#thats what it looks like im not even kidding its that bad

[llitchilitchi]

I get hating certain political systems and trying to abolish totalitarian regimes but at the same time many of them are so interwoven with our history and society they have become tropes and when I consume media with a setting where the monarchy is absolute and revered then I am playing my part and sucking that princeling off

#litchi.txt #there are games that address this kinda stuff! and thats good! its good that there are games talking about how this is bad! #but at the same time when I go into a game knowing I will be the prince's sword and shield I dont expect the game to be anti-monarchy #despite having pretty strong opinions on many a thing I tend to put most of them away the moment I engage with media #imperialism bad. monarchy bad. doesnt mean I cant enjoy roleplaying in a game where I help these systems #because guess what its fictional and not everything needs to be a strong statement about politics #sometimes we just... wanna vibe with a setting #I am so very thoroughly exhausted from the politics in this country and where things are going I just kinda need that no brainer gameplay #even if it means working as the secret police for an emperor #even if it means replacing one dictator with another #because its still a game #a lot of people talk about imperialism-monarchy-colonialism with these things because they are a big issue even today #and they are important to talk about!! in real world!! #but I rarely see people be this upset about like religion etc which like. thats also a massive problem. #idk Im just tired of trying to look at fanart of all my fantasy medieval games and people being upset that the games #are not super anti-monarchy despite the marketing being literally 'you are the emperor's bestie. you help him out and go on a quest.' #'your quest is to manipulate local government to support the emperor and do his bidding' #like idk how That is supposed to be a game that addresses it properly #and maybe it does but ig since the MC doesnt look at the player and go REMEMBER KIDS! THIS IS EVIL AND BAD AND WHY MONARCHY SUCKS #it doesnt count??? I guess???

[fleshdyke]

#csa warning for tags #ughhh ik i was just talking abt this but man. Man. constantly bullied as a child + raped as a child is a brutal combo huh #completely irreversibly fucked up sense of intimacy. i dont want to have sex with anyone i dont care what ppl think of me looks wise but i #also care more than anything and want people to want me so bad #like when ur only experience with anyone at all finding you desirable is being raped at 6ish. fucks u up man #was constantly told by everyone i knew that i was undesirable from day fucking one. i was always the one ppl would dare their friends to #'ask out' bc everyone thought i was that bad. i never had those rumours of 'some boy likes you' without people laughing in the background #all of my friends. even the ones that were also weird kids and bullied etc etc always have stories of other kids having crushes on them or #whatever. and i just never had that. it feels like i missed out on something important #i want to be pursued by a guy i hate i want them to not leave me alone. i want to feel like im in danger. and i know how fucking disgusting #that is but i cant help it. like i feel like thats the only way im going to feel normal and wanted like theres not something inherently #wrong with me. and i know how dangerous that is but its not like it matters anyways bc still no one likes me at all. #and i know how stupid of a thing it is to obsess over like what am i 9 years old? but i just cant get it out of my head #like idk i feel like the only way im going to actually feel desirable at all is if someone tries to rape me again. or if i feel like i have #to worry about someone raping me again. i know i wouldnt feel that way if someone was like. nice about it. #bc if someone genuinely liked me and was a decent human being about it i wouldnt be able to see it as anything other than faking it for pit #i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus #an act bc they feel bad for me. the only way i could ever think it's genuine and that i'm desirable at all is if someone sexually #harassed me. like idk how to explain it but thats the only way i could feel desirable at all #bc it's the only way i've ever been desirable. when i was a kid. #and it terrifies me so bad bc i know how fucking disgusting that is and how self destructive it is #but i still feel like i dont even have to really worry about being assaulted. bc i still believe im completely undesirable at my core. #i dont believe i could be desired so i dont believe i have to worry about being raped. bc no one would want to anyways #rambles #vent

[gibbearish]

kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you #youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying #and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away #like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right? #like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine #peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that #in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids #by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to #which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering #things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much #idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it #like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch #so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling #like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right? #and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression #bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad #and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn #so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference #idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough #just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more

[gobstoppr]

and btw im in my hater arc rn. as time goes on the more i find a lot of 'fandom' stuff insufferable (i like art n stuff. just the way that fandom refits every media to fit a single mold and set of boring archetypes is exhausting.)

i just get really easily annoyed lately. and have been unfollowing people on a whim a lot. its not personal i promise

#fandom culture has made me actively dislike shit i was fixated on a year ago. looking at your ninja turtles #its not even like what they were doing were particularly offensive it was just exhaustingly boring #im sorry i just really dont care about ur 2 million fics about leo being a sadboy. or one million seperated aus. #theres definetly a part of the whole situation in general which has been me coming to terms with my own internalized misogny #actively re-examining my tendencys to gravity towards male characters #idk maybe its making me dislike art more. but idk. ive always analyzed why i react certain ways to certain things. this isnt new for me #anywaays. i had been following a bunch of ninja turtle blogs and they sorta kept messing around with shows like ninjago too #and at some point i was just like. i dont know if these shows are actually that good guys. i think youjust like shows for little boys #and fandoms tend to shaft female chars so it sure helps that their casts are 98% male . #maybe theyre not your blorbo maybe theyre just Guy McAverageMan. thats not inherently bad but you have to consider it. #guys rottmnt is isnt even that good . its not that good ok. its alright/pretty good. and the movie does a few neat things #i feel like ive become one of those people that turn 18 and then immediately go 'minors dni'. im not there yet but i just. #we're watching kids shows. its ok . you can say it. #you may have noticed ive been reblogging a lot of dungeon meshi stuff. i read it all over the past week. #but here's the thing. i thought it was mid/good for like 70% of it. #i think its got some really really cool worldbuilding ideas and stuff #but i think a lot of the writing was sorta. uninteresting to me. #my discord friends have been raving over izutsumi for months. #but i found her presence in the story to be weird and underdeveloped. she felt out of place and her introduction felt clumsy #i felt when the story was ramping up the manga got a lot better. because again theres some rlly cool ideas at play #all the shit with the lion? incredible. the way all the infighting led to more problems bc the elves refuse to explain anything? rlly good. #marcille landing in power? reallly good shit. (i still thought it was a lil undercooked still tho) #i cant stop thinking about laios in that climax scene. i think he shouldve been feral a lot more often #uhh. i got distracted. fandom bad and annoying. #saw a post talking about marcille realizing izutsumi is only 17 and then describing how 'omg shes a mom now' and i wanted to throw up #im done. i swear. im done talking for real. aagh #text

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ugh. im feeling chatty today. probably bc i feel kinda weirdly anxious. like when u can Imagine bad things happening in detail #and like it feels like ur wait for it even tho its in ur imagination? whatever. anyway. ive been watching a lotta #stuff on like professional artists and idk maybe im just in too deep on science academia but i dont. i dunno the culture #seems so weird to me? like what does one do in art school? i guess i took a lot of art in high school but my teacher was kinda trash #all we did was paint realisticly using a grid and i hated that. but i image ur supposed to exercise different styles and medias? how tf #does that get graded? i dunno. i haven't taken any uni level art classes. i should tho. id probably like it #its weird tho. anything that tries to give structure to art stuff seems so weird to me. like u go to school for science stuff to build up #ur background knowledge and i guess u can do that with art but it feels different. i guess bc ur training muscle memory. i dunno #i like to imagine an au where i go to art school but i legitimately cannot fathom doing that. cannot fathom a life outside of my toxic #relationship with academia. i dont even kno what i would want to specialize if i went down that path. maybe illustration #bc it makes me happy when ppl say my style looks like something out of a kids book. i dunno #i guess classes would help with things like forcibly learning shadows and anatomy and composition #maybe i just need to make art friends. like what is ur life like? im too much in a science bubble #i guess going to art school also just devotes all ur time to art. not just tiny pockets of time between all the things u have to get done #god. i can only imagine the panic of procrastinating an art project and physically not having enough time to finish it #thats how i felt with my masters thesis. there was just physically not enough time for me to fix my code in all the ways i needed and rew #rewrite things. but i finished it somehow #ugh. god. i have things i need to finish coloring. i will finish them today. i will #i hate coloring. but colors r so pretty ;_; #unrelated

[caffeinatedopossum]

I feel like I have an unacceptably low level of control over my body. Like obviously there are some things that no one can control but I have like actual big problems because of it. I'm not really sure how to describe it but it's not just me being really clumsy (although that is an effect of it) or even the tics I have.

It's like I can feel my body moving wrong constantly but I can't correct it and it hurts and it sucks and I'm tired. I'm tired of hurting myself, making mistakes, breaking things, acting like it's fine when in reality I'm constantly afraid of how much any movement I make next could hurt me. I need to move to stay sane, I want to workout and get stronger and go on walks with my friends. I wanna get better. I can't even roll over in bed without pain and I'm just so tired.

#opossums chronic illness rants #seriously though this sucks so much and idk if theres anything i can do about it but i wanna try #its probably a combination of a lot of different things #like muscle weakness and instability from ehlers danlos syndrome both making each other worse #along with the poor proprioception from autism the dizzyness and weakness from the dysautonomia #the fact that i cant really see and even possibly inner ear damage (thats a new one that ive been suspecting more and more recently) #im not sure if the ear damage would be just from built up ear wax or maybe or something else #but im really not having a good time because it brings back bad memories #when i was a kid (8 i think) my mom was convinced i had compacted ear wax but given that she refused to ever #take me to doctors she decided she had to fix it herself #which led to a lot of excruciating trials where she stuck wires and que tips stripped of their cotton into my ears #and tried to scrape out whatever she could. even though i wanted her to stop because it hurt so bad i would start crying everytime #im also mildly suspicious that might be what damaged my ears in the first place... but i really have no way to know that at the moment #all i know is i dont want anyone looking in or putting things in my ears ever again #it doesnt even matter how much i trust them because now anything put in my ears hurt #like even when im just regularly cleaning them with que tips it hurts and im reminded that might not be normal #idk if you read these tags let me know if cleaning your ears is supposed to hurt i guess? #im honestly not sure. like i just always assumed i wasnt being gentle enough or something but it doesnt matter what i do #its not super painful either just a little bit so i ignored it because i assumed it was normal #since a lot of 'normal' things hurt for me. which i now know to my surprise isnt normal at all but i didnt figure that out #until i actually got people to believe that these things were hurting me #apparently its very hard to find anyom #who believes that opening bag clips or trying to lift a jug of milk are actually quite painful for me #they usually just say im way overreacting and when i was a kid i just believed them i guess

[yuridovewing]

IIII think I may go the "change Tigerheart's name entirely" route for my au tbh.

#i knowww there's interesting stuff about maybe tawny wishing to redeem the name and their kin #or maybe even naming her son after the good parts of her dad that she fondly remembered #and then the second tigerstar having ideals that are so incredibly different from the first tigerstar #but like. its fucking confusing man skldfjklsdfjldsfjdlfjdlsjfldsfjldsfsd #you cant do this to me erin hunter. you cant make these guys look exactly the same and have the same relatives #and have the exact same name and then lampshade how ''similar'' they are #its just. man. it sucks im sorry #i kinda want to name her swiftheart instead after swiftpaw #or lynxheart cause thats cute. after lynxkit (swift/tawnys deceased sibling) #like its an interesting idea and i like the idea of reclaiming a name but it just makes things messier than they should be #especially since the erins dont actually seem to think tigerheartstar is a subversion of the original tigerstar #also while tawny definitely has conflicting feelings on her father in razorverse i dont think she'd name a kid after him #that one moment i read in tawnypelts clan where she holds his name over his head leaves a bad taste in my mouth honestly #and it just makes me want to cut any notion of ''she did it to redeem the name or honor what she liked about her father'' out

[silverislander]

gradually learning that coping w my anxiety is gonna require a level of what feels rn like narcissism (but i know logically is not). i have to respond to "what if everyone hates me" with "so what if they do, they can all have bad opinions if they want to, i hate some people too that's just life". going out wearing outfits i like but am nervous about with the mindset of "i look hot as shit and anyone who disagrees is wrong because it's subjective anyways". about half of trying to get over my fear of social situations has been me hyping myself up by telling myself that not only do i have as much of a right to be where i am as they do, someone there is going to be happy to see me for some reason

#also just. its easier to respond with hyperbole? its easier to go in completely the opposite direction bc it still feels funny #same energy as 'i want to die' jokes -> 'im the best person alive' which im also switching up #and trying to combat my paranoia abt someone/something else being in my house with 'so what its my fuckin house and ill kick their ass' #'who gives a shit the world is gonna end someday' flavour of optimistic nihilism also works pretty well for any situation #levi.txt #recovery is weird yall. its fucking weird sometimes hsdhkdfsjl #a lot of this comes from past bullying but i remember as a kid having the thought that i was too selfish bc of the churchs teachings #and it was shit like. wanting junk food when i wasnt allowed to have it. being honest abt how i felt abt my looks/talents #putting myself/my comfort first before letting people push me around. not always agreeing with my parents #and i decided to purposefully work on that by basically putting myself last as often as possible #like i was A Child committing to basically a vow of self deprecation. i was seven years old. needless to say it was a bad decision #so yeah its gonna feel like unbelievable levels of self aggrandizing behaviour #but if thats what it takes to get me to healthy levels of self love then whatever im gonna do it! im not even hurting anyone

[perenlop]

so dont get me wrong, “iris and the rogue dragonite” is a really, REALLY good episode. it does wonders for iris’s development and shows that she’s more in tune with her dragon powers, and she gets a new member on her team that’s finally a new dragon type. but i’m sorry, the episode and iris’s overall team would have worked so so much better if it was a hydreigon instead of a dragonite. im willing to die on this hill

#in fact id go as far as saying that they originally planned this arc to have a hydreigon #because dragonite's behavior is more akin to a hydreigon's and fits the ''there are no bad dragon types'' message a lot better #and they only mention ''oh its a scary dragonite'' like once to set it apart. like ik pokemon are individuals #but dragonite up to this point have been shown to be pacifists unless something theycare about is threatened #so the public generally reveres them. and yeah this is just one dragonite and its different #but the novelty wears off in the first episode for me and i cant really take it that seriously bc dragonite is so doofy looking #clairs dragonite in johto was terrifying bc we saw it as a sweet pacifist and THEN it went on a rampage to show its sheer power #when something it loved was threatened #this one just doesnt have that same effect on me. ik it did on other ppl but as a kid i was just like ''this doesnt feel like it should be a #a dragonite'' #''rogue dragon thats territorial and fights everything in sight for power and everyone fears it and refuses to believe it could be good'' #is something that fits hydreigon WAYYYYYYY way better. and the follow disobedience arc as well #like game iris had a hydreigon at this point and hydreigon is actually native to unova and fitting for her and its own arc #and ghetsis doesnt even have hydreigon in the anime so like what was the hold up??? was it bc cameron had one?? #bc he literally just sucks and if thats why then that absolutely blows #like it feels like its only a dragonite bc ''oh thats kanto and genwunners are mad that theres less kanto so throw it in'' #and to have advertsing like ''WAAAAAAA we are getting DRAGONITE vs CHARIZARD???? #bc i remember that being literally everywhere lol #im sorry i like dragonite as a pokemon its really cute and ive used one before. its a good pokemon #but its so unfitting for this arc and its always bothered me so much #and rewatching it only reinforced those feelings. also i just like hydreigon better lol sorry #echoed voice #pokeani lb

[mejomonster]

Oh no guys I read about adhd symptoms to see if I had it and now I've made myself sad :c dang these things be affecting my life :c

#rant #i was like: well i probably have ahdh but i have a fuckton of coping mechanisms so doctors probably wont help me #then i reflected on my coping mechanisms :c #guys i spend 8 hours prepping for a doctors appt. im not kidding. i hqve to schedule reminders on my outlook calendar #that i must look at constantly for work (so i dont forget). then sit for a couple hours to focus and dontemplate on the goal #of the appt. then write everything i need to tell them. then think some more. then write things i forgot in another few days #then in anothef few days. then after several hours and a few weeks i have a LIST OF STUFF TO TELL DOCTOR and then i always put calendar #appts EARLY on them by 1 hour so i freak out when i hear alarm and get ready then have time to get there extra. #and i do this for. taxes. oil changes. license renewal. any appointment of any kind. any work situation that isnt super routine and quick #all this shit takes me hours to WEEKS of prep. taxes take me 2 weeks of ONLY TAX WORK so like 20-30 hours whenever im nog working to slowly #prep then calm down then concentrate then prep. but i also do this for shopping for so much basic shit #i have calendar reminders to pay bills. i have a whiteboard on fridge to remind me of chores #i CANNOT remember any convo or task without gratuitious written reminders and notes so i write EVERYRHING down. college was hell #i threw out my planners from college so many bad memories and stress. byt like. goddamn some peiple... #onlt take 1-3 hours to prep for a #doctor???? or even less?!!!! some people GENUINELY only need 8 hours/a #sunday to do taxes???!!!! some people can plan appointmenrs without 1 hour buffer early time on their alarms? hell without NEEDING alarms #to remember the appt exists??!!!! i cant even follow a conversation thats 5 minutes without asking what they said. my mind blanks and i #space out. like... :c quite sad how much time is wasted by all this prep to cope as well as others. its all that CBT therapy strategies i #learned combined with just. so many fuxking notes. #i also do SO much to have normal convos. i practiced hard to focus ish and respond better and write things and have #the correct expressions and even now i know my talking speed upsets some ppl. which stresses me out :/

[computerpeople]

ive thought about becoming a babysitter full time id really enjoy it, i love child care and i think im pretty good at it! i couldnt raise a kid of course but im really good at interacting with them and teaching them stuff and keeping them entertained. my friends always liked my littlest sister better, but my friends siblings always liked ME better and thought i was the coolest thing theyve ever seen. every kid ive ever met has thought i was the coolest person theyve ever met and i tend to work really well with them

#txt #im flexing right now but its relaly not that hard you just dont baby talk at them and tell them cool facts you knpow and do cool dance move #and really listen to them when they talk. like really genuinely listen and respond. thats all they want #though i am kind of known for being a bad influence because i tend to encourage them to do things and then get in trouble bc their parents #didnt want that. one of my little sisters friends wanted short hair super bad and she had it tucked into a hat and eventually she was like #do you think my hair would look good short like yours! cus my mom said itd look bad! #and i was close to this kid bc ive babysat her a billion times and i was like DUDE YOUD LOOK SO GOOD WITH SHORT HAIR NO JOKE #mostly bc thats what i would have wanted to hear as a kid even if it wasnt true or the honest opinion of the person #and then next time she hung out i was like oh dude nice haircut! i knew itd look good #and she was like yeah but my mom grounded me for cutting it :X #and i was like UHM

[fucktheroyals]

can we acknowledge the random celebrities who randomly appear in the star wars sequels as masked characters (usually stormtroopers)?

#ed sheeran and karl urban are in tros apparently #prince harry and prince william and tom hardy are troopers in tlj #wild #oh but apparently tom hardy wasnt in the final cut... now we know why tlj sucks (im kidding i dont think its bad) #we all know about daniel craig but michael giacchino; yes the composer; was a trooper in tfa #lol simon pegg is also in tfa #lets look at rogue one and solo... #ok theres no one in rogue one that screams 'oh i didnt know they were in it' .....maybe thats why rogue one was actually good #aside from it being well written and directed and all #maybe what we should be talking about is how tfa is clearly a copy of anh and is bad but rogue one is set right before and heavily attached #to the story of anh but is like actually original #...same thing with solo 👀 #speaking volumes that what that does #that and the fact that solo and rogue one have huge acknowledgements to the clone wars that the sequel trilogy does not #shows who clearly did their homework and doesnt think animation doesnt matter and cares about the art of making a movie even if #its one made for moneyyy #star wars

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[evandorepart2]

ok anyway im leaving in. the day after tomorrow at like 2am so im just saying its tomorrow cause im literally just gonna stay up till then theres no point in sleeping. BUT two things. one i need to finish packing. my clothes are dry so i just have to bring them upstairs and pack. sort of stressed out bc like. i like my outfit i dont want to change it but everyones telling me its too hot for a leather jacket like i know!!!! but its my jacket :(

anyway i just have to do that so ill do it now and then…on top of that i wanted to get the draft for my ghost story done but i havent been working on it at all >_< ive just been reading comics the past couple days. so tomorrow. for sure. i will definitely work in getting the draft done totally.

but ugh im kind of nervous i havent seen these people in so long and im not great socially. also i dont go on trips in general so like. i hope i have energy for a full month yknow. i have a tendency of isolating myself when im stressed out but i dont have any space to do that…not that i should but whatever you know

#LIKE. im just eugh like im Bad at small talk. im better at dispensing information and leaving it that #or listening. ive been practicing listening a lot more so i dont overtalk and everyone gets a turn #OH RIGHT!!!! i hope. cause i have 4 cousins. two are toddler age #one is a little younger than me so like 13 but hes a boy idk how he is cause he might be annoying no offense <3 #and then an older girl whos around my brothers age so a few years older. and we never rlly talked cause it was always my brorher and her #last i saw them i was like. god idk it couldnt have been too young cause i got black out drunk before i stayed with them #so. 11? 12? definitely younger than 13 i know for a fact #im bad with times tho #anyway its been a while and im a lot older now. so i hope shes there so we can talk and be friends idk #apparently my brother isnt close to her anymore? he called her a bitch last time we talked abt her so. hope i do see her #and my aunt! i always liked her a lot and my brothers prob gonna be busy with our uncle. ill be stuck with the younger kids but thats ok i #dont mind since im used to handling my sister. apparently theyve wanted to meet me for a long time so i am super excited #i dont think anyones gonna expect what i look like tho lol i dont think anyone could have guess me being punk #not even me like i distinctly remember in elementary my friend. we were talking about mcr and emo / punk stuff and he was like. you coukd #never be like that. ummmmm well guess what dickhead!!!! jokes were actyally still close lol #ANYWAY i am fucking excited and nervous and have to find a normal way to bring up 18th century fashion or perhaps history of contemporary #folk

[lonely-dog-song]

I'm watching a clown .otel movie but it's so bad 😔😔 not even the clowns can save this one

#lonely dog speaks #this movie is so obsessed with sex aaaaaaaaaaaa #gdi they introduced some characters at the beginnign and then didnt bring them back!!! come on dude #what was that. they couldve just had the jane doe subplot be the set dressing and not the other random family #they amnaged to have 1 gay man and 1 lesbian somehow #so like um kudos i guwss. what if we found representation in the worst movie we've ever seen👍💔 #listen. i like clown designs but this movie just looekd so funny its like this is just what a convention looks like #ahh we're being haunted by the souls of angry clowns!!! but it just looks like a clown convention #it was so hard to be scary BUT IT WAS SOO GROSS.not even in a scary way. just uncomfortable & embarassing #ok thats my clown review. im sorry clown motel *turns away* #*the lady was probably bi. my bad #this movie made us cringe so much we kept forwarding thru it so IDK what most of the dialogue was in the later 1/3 of the movie 💀 #<- fake clown motel fan. just kidding i dont think i would ever be a fan of this movie unless i develop several relevant fetishes

[dyketubbo]

theres something so terribly and uniquely lonely about systemhood sometimes

#mask mews #plural stuff #i dont know how to explain it but its like. #if i focus hard enough i can convince myself im warm but in the end once my focus drops my bodys as cold as its always been #(<-probably completely nonsensical my bad) #we have a very extensive headspace and many. many headmates #but i know that if i tried to map out the auditorium i live in i would not be able to #and even with all of my focus i would not be able to give proper directions #and i dont know what my headmates rooms really look like even though ive walked through hundreds of them hundreds of times #ive been over to tipps house more times than i can count or remember #i could not truly tell you what her kids look like even though ive known them since they were born (and thats unsettling in its own way.- #-theyve grown so fast. theyre nearly teenagers and its only been two years. maybe three.) #i dont know what her living room looks like. i have no idea what fog sounds like even though ive talked to her more than anyone #if i wanted a hug i know intimately that there are over a hundred people in here that would jump at the chance #i also know intimately that the body would still be cold. that i wouldnt properly be able to focus on the mental image of being hugged #mosslid has held me in a hand for hours on end. i could not tell you what it feels like without having to think and even though i know it #happened itd feel like i was making it up #im used to it but if i think about it for any longer ill feel like im in one elaborate horror story. haha #ok to rb