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pardonmybunion · 2 years

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The Spells of Astoroth, or Disney’s Shakespeare

If you like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, if you like Shakespeare, if you like bizarre mashups of seemingly unrelated things like Bedknobs and Broomsticks and Shakespeare…then hot damn, do I have a story for you.

My original plan was to just to celebrate Bedknobs and Broomsticks, which turns 50 today. If you’ve come this far, you’ve probably seen it—it’s that Disney movie where Angela Lansbury is a witch who saves Britain from a Nazi invasion, and there’s an animated soccer match and a big dance in Portobello Road.

I was going to write a nice, thoughtful, pseudo-academic post about why it works, starting with obvious attractions like the tunes (a nice Sherman Brothers score) and the atmosphere (evocative sketch of wartime England). And then, since I was feeling just pretentious enough, I was going to open out to a wider look at old Disney films: how even the obscurer titles often have something mysterious in their fabric, some glimpse of hidden depths and unknown horizons, some reason to keep imagining further questions. For a final flourish, I was going to tie all this to fanfics, and suggest that it’s exactly that kind of open-ended mythicism that makes Disney films such good springboards for creativity—even as the administrative side of the Disney empire has famously pushed the opposite way, toward tight legal control.

Not a bad gimmick, yes? You can probably imagine how that sort of long-winded post would go. So could I. But every time I started to write it, I kept finding myself haunted by the film’s backstory.

As you may remember, all of the magic in Bedknobs and Broomsticks is supposedly derived from Astoroth, a long-ago sorcerer who was killed by his own menagerie but whose spells, apparently, actually work. His tattered spell-book and star-shaped amulet are the film’s MacGuffins, and his most important spell, substitutiary locomotion, gets its own song. But apart from Angela and her friends, the sole person who seems to recognize the importance of Astoroth is an obscure old merchant, the Bookman, who cuts a sinister figure but only appears in a single scene.

The more I thought about this, the more it loomed over the narrative. Astoroth seemed not only mysterious, but strangely tragic: someone who gained forbidden knowledge, propelling everything that happens in the film, but who was doomed for his discoveries. To make it even stranger, nothing like his story appears in the source material, a wonderful weird novel by Mary Norton. (Even the substitutiary locomotion spell is missing; there’s a roughly equivalent concept, but it has a different name and seems to work differently.)

When I plunged into writing, of course I planned to cite this whole Astoroth business to bolster my argument about open-ended details. (I told you I was feeling pretentious.) However, the post refused to cooperate. This wasn’t a time to be pseudo-academic; this was a time to celebrate the creative imagination, using the creative imagination. Only then could I get anywhere near the film’s open-ended questions in a way befitting them. In this case, the essential questions seemed to be: Where did Astoroth and his magic come from? And why?

For a while I thought I’d never find out, but then, in a sudden flash of insight, I realized why the name “Astoroth” seemed so familiar in the first place. Come back with me, for a moment, to the John Payne Collier Memorial Conference in Stratford-upon-Avon in early April 2019. One evening I was sampling the offerings at the Vortigern & Rowena, a charmingly touristy old pub on Croft Street, when my attention was caught by a dusty pamphlet that had long ago fallen behind an antique tea cabinet. On retrieving it and reassembling the torn pages, I discovered it to be an Elizabethan or Jacobean quarto publication of a play script. The title page read A most lamentable tragedy, call’d The Spells of Astoroth, as it hath oft been perform’d at the Globe and sundry other disreputable Playhouses.

I was due to present a paper the next morning on the neo-Shakespearean playwright Ladbroke Brown, and still needed to write it, so I filed the quarto among my conference souvenirs and promptly forgot all about it. For reasons obvious to those of you familiar with the year 2020, the following conference was cancelled, and I’ve been unable to return to Stratford since. However, as I sat considering Bedknobs and Broomsticks, the play’s title suddenly reoccurred to me. Was this the answer I sought?

I dug out my tea-stained souvenir, and soon became amazed at my good fortune. The play is uncredited, but from recognizing certain familiar turns of phrase, I can only conclude that it is a complete, hitherto unknown work by William Shakespeare. More importantly, though, for fans of moderately well-known live-action Disney musicals of the seventies, the play is little short of a revelation.

And so, although I cannot post what I initially set out to write, I can offer what is perhaps an even more valuable service to world scholarship: a brief summary of an astonishing rediscovered text. I am including generous quotations, taken from my forthcoming critical edition of the play (press and publication date TBD). In the classic tradition of old-fashioned Shakespearean scholarship, my editorial interventions have been limited to modernizing spelling and grammar, correcting obvious typographical errors, and completely rewriting some of the more impenetrable passages.

The Spells of Astoroth opens outside the shop of our protagonist, Richard Asham, a printer-bookseller in an English town. We meet his devoted family: his wife Susannah, his daughter Anne, his apprentices Tom and Simkin. Susannah encounters her friend Mistress Rawlins, another merchant’s wife, in the street. Their conversation turns to the intriguing nature of Asham’s trade, so much so that they lapse from prose into heightened verse:

Mis. Raw. But little time ago Printing itself was judg’d the Devil’s work. Why, you and I have heard our fathers say That he who brought the printing-press to France, Old Master Fust, was taken for a witch, His skill mistaken for satanic pow’rs; And soon anon, that very Master Fust As Doctor Faustus was immortalis’d In legend and the traffic of the stage.

Sus. Aye, all this have I heard, but in this age Of not believing, none so foolish are. For now the trade is prosperous and strong, And all esteem and venerate my Richard, A worthy man, a solid citizen.

As is already clear, the play is obsessed with its leading man. Finally he himself enters, greeting his family and acquaintances warmly, the model man of business, as he goes in to start the day’s work.

We see a more private, more troubled side of him in the next scene. Asham is alone in his study among his books, and soliloquizes that printing has come to seem empty to him:

Ash. Another pile of manuscripts to print, Another pile of printed leaves to sell, And so from hour to hour we write and write, And then from hour to hour we rot and rot; Alas for printing and for selling books! My trade is but a shadow, not a life: Events occur in words, and not in deeds, A limiting too onerous and cramp’d For such a mind as mine. I find myself Confined to scriptures, fables, bald accounts That only speak of life, when life itself, The vasty field of human enterprise, Is out of joint, nay, out of all control, With us the figures in’t, and not the authors! Why cannot we be writers of the world, Controlling it with powers of a god, And take the strings of earthly destiny (To mix a metaphor already tangl’d) In our controlling grasp? O wisdom lost! O for the ancients spoken of in legend Who with a few occult and mystic words Could make their very garments move about As if endow’d with life! O brave old world That had such magic in’t! What power then Would open up, if we could but regain Those secret words, referr’d to as the spell Of substitutiary locomotion!

Simkin the apprentice interrupts here in a flimsy attempt at comic relief, but is quickly shooed away.

Ash. Aye, there’s the rub! The spell, to catch the spell. Surely there must be methods to regain’t, Stray words in antique texts to point the way? Why cannot I be sorcerer as well, Who now am merely printer? Ay, why not? Methinks I see an occupation Well suited to my time. I shall begin By gathering such manuscripts and scrolls As speak of magic and satanic art, Pretending they pertain to printer’s work, And thereupon experiments pursue. I start today, nay, on this very hour: Now, Asham, on to glory and to pow’r! [Exit.

A few scenes go by in which Asham, building up his collection of occult implements and texts, grows more and more distant from his family and apprentices. (In good Shakespearean tradition, their lives are developed in subplots, but for brevity I’ll stick to the main narrative here.) When we rejoin him in his study, he has been devoting all his energies to magic for some months:

Ash. No luck has crown’d me yet. When in disgrace I think on all the newt’s eyes I have pickl’d, The hexes I have studied all for nought, The poison’d dragon livers gather’d up For amulets I know not how to forge, I nearly think to give up in my quest But for mine anger. Why cannot I rule? Why should God’s name be sounded more than mine? I feel Him laugh upon my little deeds, And lash me with the whips and scorns of Time, Taunting me e’er with fear that this my quest Will be cut short before it is complete, My life cut off too soon, my candle snuff’d, My spirit fled as if pursu’d by bears. I strut and fret my weary hours of work; Shall I be heard no more? Shall idle Rumour Say “Here was Asham who was once a printer, And who in seeking to escape that fate Met only failure?” Must mine be a life Liv’d by an idiot, full of toil and craving, And signifying nothing?

But a change is in store. A visitor arrives, heralded ominously: “Methinks I smell / The scent of burning sulphur in the air,” muses Asham. Sure enough, it is Mephistopheles, straight from Hell and the Faust legend, in disguise as a noble lord interested in witchcraft. Asham converses with him, at first suspiciously but with growing enthusiasm, and soon admits to his weariness of the world and his hunger for power. Mephistopheles is intrigued. The scene that unfolds is worth quoting at some length:

Meph. Aye, thou hast indeed The fundamental element of hate, A simmering distrust of humankind, To fan thy witchcraft’s flame. But for the words That still thou lack’st, a sorcerer of might Thou might become forthwith.

Ash. Aye, ‘tis the words, The words and time to carry out the charms: To try each magic spell and write them out In volumes I would prize above a dukedom, Nay, e’en above damnation and salvation! O would I were immortal!

Meph. Soft thee now. Am I to understand that thou wouldst give And freely of thy soul’s immortal life In Heav’n for immortality on earth?

Ash. E’en so, if magic knowledge follow’d with’t.

Meph. Hold then. I see a bargain made in Hell. In six days’ time I shall return and bear For thy perusal documents to sign, If still thou art determin’d for the pact.

Ash. What! Have you such a power?

Meph. Aye, indeed.

Ash. Who or what are you then? Beelzebub, Or Até at his side, come hot from Hell?

Meph. Not they, but one familiar with these. Familiar too, as legends do relate, To Faustus.

Ash. How now, Mephistopheles!

Some spectacular byplay follows in which Mephistopheles, to prove his identity, turns book pages into feathers and ink into blood. Asham is convinced at last.

Ash. Why then do you delay? Why not abscond With my immortal soul ere I can find A reason to regret the selling it?

Meph. Why not? Because a trick so cheaply work’d Is foolish, fitted only for the tales That rustics tell and strutting actors play. What need would Satan have for simple wiles When every lure of vice is on his side? Far better that thou mak’st a studied choice To turn thy back on mere humanity And live instead for glory and for gain, For then has Satan clinch’d thee in his jaws But of thine own volition, and thy soul With merry flame will fuel the fires of Hell.

Ash. Well, be it as you wish. In six days’ time Shall I await you here. But heaven grant That what you say is true!

Meph. Nay, Satan grant That blessing or that curse. Till then, farewell! [Exit.

Ash. You vanish as the cup of happiness Is at my lips! Immortal and a god Of sorcery! O daughter, O my wife, Draw near, attend, my news is purest joy!

[Enter Susannah and Anne.]

Sus. What news, dear Richard?

Ann. Father, sir, what news?

Ash. All power, fame, and glory shall be mine, All secrets, and eternity itself! My soul has bought them all. Forevermore My name and destiny shall be assur’d By Lucifer himself, the Prince of Darkness. Why do you frown? Do not you understand?

Sus. The words thou speak’st are poison in my ear, As if a foul and most unnatural murder Had seiz’d my frame. If to the Devil now Thou pledge thyself, our family is lost. Thy wife is lost, her marriage pact destroy’d, For ‘twas a pact thou rendered unto one Whom now thou hast forsaken evermore. Thy daughter too is lost, for if thou turn’st From her, then no right thine to call her daughter. I pray thee, get thee to a monastery. Something is rotten in thy state of mind.

The week goes by, and the family and apprentices watch in mounting horror as Asham is unshaken in his enthusiasm. Susannah and Anne try repeatedly during the week to change his mind—“You seek the bubble Reputation / E’en in the Devil’s mouth,” cries Anne—but he rejects them with mounting impatience. In a short but poignant scene, Susannah and Anne finally draft a prose letter to Asham, taking their leave of him. Reflecting with sadness and anger on his descent into darkness, hoping his soul may yet be redeemed, they go to live with a relative far off.

The next scene, Act III Scene II, is the type of socko middle-of-the-play rollercoaster that nowadays would come right before the intermission. “The six unwanted days have linger’d long,” announces Asham, entering his study in much excitement. He has returned, as he soon realizes, to an empty house. He picks up the letter Susannah and Anne have left on his table.

Ash. [reads the letter] What, gone, all gone? Is’t possible? Gone, gone! Steel thyself, Asham!—No, there’s no harm done. No harm. Far better to go forth alone. Nobody’s problems for me evermore. ‘Tis how I want it. Aye, ‘tis what I need For my immoral and immortal calling. Come, where’s my guest? ‘Tis high time that I put A necromantic disposition on.

Mephistopheles appears and gives Asham a final chance to back down:

Meph. Well, art thou still inclin’d to seal the pact?

Ash. As e’er I was. Immortal magic mine!

Meph. I do remind you, th’immortality Is but of mind and body, for thy soul, Fresh-pluckéd from thee, is condemn’d fore’er To burn in hellfire.

Ash. ‘Tis a condemnation Devoutly to be wished.

Meph. Then we begin!

[Thunder and lightning. Enter some Devils with a cauldron, preparing a potion.]

Incantation. Witch’s, warlock’s, wizard’s ear Bend this evil pact to hear. Wattle yeast and hyssop seed Brew for us a ghastly mead. Cabbage buds and nettle stew Bubble in the steaming brew. Satan’s potion boils hot; Greas’d ambition heats the pot.

[Mephistopheles claps his hands. The Devils bestow the potion upon Asham.]

Meph. The deed is done. Your thoughts now hold the keys To all the pow’rs thou pridefully desir’st: Brave spells of travel, firelight, disguise, And best of all, that lost and ancient charm Of substitutiary locomotion. Thy life is endless, guarded by the spell Of Astoroth, a Crownéd Prince of Hell, Where even now thy soul is trapped in flame. Thy patron smiles below. Take thou his name.

[Exeunt Mephistopheles and Devils.]

Ash. At last! The deal is made, the Devil lives! Condemn’d no longer I to rush around In hopeless circles, searching everywhere For something true. The truth has been reveal’d. My soul is Satan’s; what of that? I have Immortal longings in me. Here’s my robe, And here my books. Now, mischief, do thy work! Impart to me that secret too long kept, So weird, so fear’d, yet wonderful to see: The spell of locomotion it must be! [Exit.

When Act IV opens, some time has passed since the pact. Working from his diabolically granted instincts, Asham—or Astoroth, as we should now call him—has written, practiced, and perfected spells for broomstick flight, for enchanting objects to travel, and for temporarily disguising humans as animals. There is a comic prose scene in which Astoroth, giddy with his power and in a pranking mood, tries out some of his spells in public. It is not worth quoting.

The spell for substitutiary locomotion, meanwhile, continues to elude him, and eventually it becomes his overriding obsession. He feels the need for assistants in his study, but is distrustful of human help. He therefore looks to animals, buying a goat, a bear, a lion, and a small bird; in the dramatis personae, they are listed as Kick, Claw, Scratch, and Flit, respectively. A few experiments later, Astoroth has woven spells to give them the thoughts, language, and capabilities of humans.

We meet the animals locked in their menagerie, longing to escape Astoroth’s cruelty; “All the world’s a cage,” laments Kick the goat. They hatch a plan in a scene that’s equal parts Jack Cade’s Rebellion and The Island of Doctor Moreau:

Claw. We must rebel as one, and break the bonds Of magic that enslave us. Will you, Scratch, The King of Beasts, our leader be?

Scratch. Not I. This caging has depriv’d me of my crown. Though King where I was born, I bear no pow’r Within these walls. They have my spirit trapped, And melancholy heap’d upon my mane. The pacing of a lion in a cage Has in it all the sadness of the earth: For in disgrace with fortune, with men’s eyes Staring upon him, he doth weep to think Of vasty plains and endless wild fields Where once he bounded free. And thinking thus, His losses weigh upon him as a shroud. When such a lion stalks, ‘tis not a prowl, ‘Tis not a hunt; ‘tis grief and mourning only For the wide world clos’d off from him forever.

Claw. Alas, poor beast! And yet that very loss Is yet a reason more to move our hearts. There is a tide in the affairs of beasts, Which taken at the flood leads on to freedom. Are we not fit to live as we were born? Are we not children of a freer state? Are we not trapped in servitude most foul And most satanic? Are we not prepared To take up arms for that we hold most dear, Our liberty? Are we not agreed to fight? Are we not men?

Scratch. We’re not.

Claw. Ay, there’s a point. Yet Astoroth would make us men indeed, In reason, language, all indeed but freedom, And keep us as his slaves.

Kick. This cannot be!

Claw. My hornéd friend speaks true. It shall not be. ‘Tis time to fight, escaping this our cell, Reaching the harbor, seizing there a ship On which to sail the beauteous briny sea, And find at last an island of lost souls Where, seeking to forget the ways of men, We’ll live as beasts once more.

Flit. Huzzah, huzzah!

(This is the only line for Flit in the entire play. Apparently the part was either sorely neglected by Shakespeare or designed for the most inexperienced player at the Globe.)

Scratch. ‘Tis well. I hope our enterprise may thrive. But no more words, for we must strike tonight, When Astoroth is busy at his spells. Lead us to fight, friend Claw.

Claw. I shall indeed. We’ll work each other free of these our bonds, And take or rend apart the magic charms And books that bind our lives to his.

Scratch. Enough. Give me your paws all round. We’ll go as friends, We few, we happy few, we band of beast-men.

Kick. O wonderful! Our lion shows his pride!

Scratch. Ay, and his teeth will follow. This our rage Will soon surmount th’entrapment of the cage. [Exeunt.

Jump to that night in Astoroth’s study, where he decides that he must take drastic measures to attain the substitutiary locomotion spell.

Ash. I cannot wait, I shall not be denied. What magic can I use to speed the work? Ah what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what, what?

(This last line is, admittedly, not one of Shakespeare’s most inspired.)

Finally Astoroth seizes on an idea. In a trough meant for printer’s ink, he uses his occult knowledge and skill to forge an enchanted amulet, the Star of Astoroth. He watches as the “five mystic words” of the spell, the five words he has sought so long, appear by demonic power on the face of the amulet. Crowing that his life’s work has been achieved, and eager to test the spell for the first time, he drags in a suit of armor to bring to life.

Ash. And now to speak the mystic words at last! Treguna, mekoides, trecorum satis—

Animals [without]. We will be satisfied! Let us be satisfied!

[Dumb show. Enter Animals arm’d, shouting and bearing weaponry. They fight with Astoroth and trample him down, tearing his books asunder and seizing the divers implements of magic. The lion Scratch wrests the amulet from Astoroth’s grasp. Astoroth lies still on the ground. Exeunt Animals.]

The two apprentices come in to find their master dead on the ground, a bleeding piece of earth. Panicking, they flee the scene—but not before one of them, hapless and downtrodden Simkin, stops to pick up what torn fragments of notes he sees on the ground. Perhaps, he muses, he can collect them into a folio, a monument to his master’s life, a book of the spells of Astoroth. Exeunt both.

In reading it, this feels like the end of a Shakespearean tragedy. We expect the corpse to be dragged off the Elizabethan stage amid a round of applause, and for a Morris dance or something to follow. But no.

Richard Asham, bruised and beaten, wakes up. His pact included immortality, after all. But as his tour-de-force soliloquy reveals, he has lost his memory; his magical knowledge is gone. As it turns out, the Devil did have a trick up his sleeve.

Ash. [waking] What can this be? Not dead? Not yet quite dead? I would not have me linger in my pain. But where be I? And wherefore? On my life, I fear my reason’s fled. No, no, not reason, But my remembrance. Blinded are my eyes To the dark backward and abysm of time. I know not who I am. I only find A single image left, a mirror crack’d From side to side, a sight far off And rather like a dream than an assurance. A most rare vision. Ay, call it a dream. Methought I was—but no man can tell what. ‘Tis past the wit of man. A whirl of beasts, Of mystic words, of deeds and dealings strange, Of love rejected for ambition’s sake. If this were play’d upon a stage anon, I would reject it as a tragic jest. Enough. No more. ‘Tis not so lucid now As ‘twas before.

[Strange sounds without.]

Holloa within! Who’s there?

[Enter Ghost.]

Demons and ministers of vice defend us! Is this a spirit that I see before me, Deck’d in strange clothes and bearded like the pard, Who in these confines with a noiseless voice Doth beg the voice and utt’rance of my tongue? What art thou? Speak!

Ghost. Thyself in spirit, Asham. I am the ghost of thou that art to be, Of thou in times to come. Nay, fear me not. I enter but to tell thee who thou wert. Know thou wert Asham who was once a printer, And who in seeking to escape that fate Met only failure.

Ash. Spirit, I believe it. What was my quest?

Ghost. A shadow, not a life. A prideful struggle, melted into air, Into thin air, remaining only as A book of spells. Thou art condemnéd now And evermore to roam about the world In search of it, alive yet not awake, A Bookman only, wizen’d soon by Time, Seeking but for the page that tells the spell That once thou knew’st.

Ash. A Bookman, sayest thou?

Ghost. Ay, thou who in ambition scorn’d the craft Of printing-press and binding now art bound To press eternally for thine own book, That your unfinish’d spell of locomotion May come to life at last.

Ash. O woe the day! What is my book call’d, cans’t thou tell me that?

Ghost. I can. It is The Spells of Astoroth. And now farewell.

Ash. Stay longer.

Ghost. I cannot. Thy search o’er barren heaths of Time begins. Thou shalt be me in centuries to come. [Exit.

Asham, in a final reflection, laments his fate and points up the moral of his hubristic search for power and glory.

Ash. O Lord, what fools we sad immortals be. The Prince of Darkness is a gentleman, And keeps his word too well. My twofold quest For godlike Power and eternal Time, Two heresies alike in dignity, Has trapp’d me here. My dream’d remembrance now Grows sharp and cuts upon me. Mine the blame In spurning kin and kind for glory’s name, And blameful all who heartless grow for fame. ‘Tis far too late; at last I start believing There’s something wonderful in earthly life. The rest is silence, silent recompense. Stifled was I in Pride’s o’erwhelming cloth, In mastering the Spells of Astoroth. [Exit.

Obviously, much research remains to be done on this text. Shakespeare must have been very young when he wrote this play: its relatively simple vocabulary and spiky jog-trot rhythm, evidently influenced by Kyd and Marlowe, seems to mark a playwright finding his style. In this light, it’s delightful to see the young Bard try out so many phrases, sometimes even whole lines, that he would later rework for very different contexts in his later plays. (The final scene even includes a striking mirror motif not reused by the Bard, but stumbled upon centuries later–appositely, freshly, but naturally admittedly probably entirely coincidentally—by Tennyson.)

What happened to the play after its first publication? It seems to have been unknown to the editors of the First Folio, and evidently the play has flown since then under the radar of scholars and collectors, its true authorship unsuspected. Perhaps some ownership dispute kept it out of the Folios; perhaps Shakespeare, embarrassed he had recycled so much of it in later plays, made attempts to disown it. There are many possibilities to suggest.

What I am absolutely not suggesting, of course, is that the makers of Bedknobs and Broomsticks were familiar with the play, much less that they borrowed its plot points and even some of its phrases for their film. Even if that were a logical assumption, which I am categorically not asserting, the administrators at Disney would surely look with deep disapproval on any suggestion that they might not own the rights to all the ideas found in their films. Therefore, I am emphatically not implying that the play supports the claim mentioned earlier, about how the company’s famous focus on controlling their intellectual property—suing small businesses, pushing copyright extensions into national law, and so forth—seems to run counter to their own films’ mythic qualities. Such ideas are entirely outside the scope of this article, and if any of them have crossed your mind, I am appropriately shocked and appalled.

That the play reads as an unconventional sort of prequel to the film, therefore, must be written off as a coincidence. That does not, I think, affect its talisman-like quality, the way it magically adds backstory to a film’s mystery. Perhaps we might best think of the play as existing not in the real world of the filmmakers, but in the imagined world of the film—and as Angela Lansbury’s character says, it’s always tricky to transport a magical object from one world into another.

The other possibility, of course, is that the whole thing is some kind of bizarre modern forgery, an elaborate joke planted in Stratford for an overenthusiastic fan of Disney and Shakespeare to discover. Certainly my original post, if I’d ever been able to write it, would have welcomed such an oddball example of creative response.

On the face of it, though, I can’t help but find this idea ridiculous. Who would take the time and effort to write a pastiche of Elizabethan tragedy, in archaic iambic pentameter, full of phrases borrowed from Shakespeare and the Sherman Brothers alike, all in homage to a relatively obscure Disney film?

That said, I admit I can’t discount the possibility completely. And I know that when I watch the film again, that barely-glimpsed Astoroth backstory will loom even larger than before.

Meanwhile, what can we make of the play’s mysterious ending, with its refusal to resolve tidily in a traditional tragic death? Evidently there’s no way out for Astoroth, doomed never to shuffle off his mortal coil—but the play also suggests that his fruitless quest depends on his final work remaining unfinished.

In light of the film, since I can’t write that post about just such open-ended details, I’ve begun instead to imagine my own reading. Call it silly if you want, but I like to think that when that Substitutiary Locomotion spell was finally used, in a battle for good against the Nazi attack, some kind of sense came over Richard Asham that his life had finally come to fruition. And, at long last, a deep calm descended on the solitary, wizened Bookman in his little shop off Portobello Road.

#bedknobs and broomsticks #shakespeare #disney fanfiction

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harmonyandco · 3 years

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Set during the summer of 6th year and Harry has managed to escape from the Dursleys (not evil just indifferent) and travels to Hermione's house (location up to the author.) While there they watch the Disney movie "Bedknobs and Broomsticks." Something about it triggers a subconscious memory in Harry so he digs around in his history book. Turns out the events were real and that Miss Price is really a disowned witch originally from the Prince Family. Deciding to use this newfound knowledge, Harry uses this as his essay for History of Magic.

Later at school, Harry and Hermione are discussing some of the details and obvious magic used in the movie when they are overheard by Minerva and Severus. Minerva compliments them on their diligence in their studies and comments the Substitutiary Locomotion spell hadn't been used in ages and the modern 'Piertotum Locomotor' was the now accepted spell to be used to animate armor and statues for battle.

Severus, upon hearing about Miss Price is taken aback that his cousin broke the Statute of Secrecy to tell her story to the muggles. When asked how he knows about this, he explains that his mother used to be a member of the pureblooded Prince Family but was later disowned for marrying his muggle father, which made him the infamous Half-Blood Prince.

#submission #harmony prompt #harmony #kgfinkel #HBP #disney #based on a movie

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girlwiththeblueblood · 4 years

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Songs Melaina has set as ringtones on her phone for the Brothers, the Uneatables, OCs and Vice Versa.

Lucifer

(Melaina thinks the song suits him. Lucifer picked that song because it reminds him of Melaina, and was a song he requested one time on karaoke night, he secretly likes to think that Melaina is talking to him thought the song. He likes those moments when they both lowers their walls for each other.)

On Mel’s Phone: Shepherd Of Fire, Avenged Sevenfold.

https://youtu.be/yvd-HnVI61U

On His Phone: Walk Me Home, Pink.

https://youtu.be/LQMBlFSu2QU

Mammon

(They were both wasted when those songs where picked and they don’t want to reset them.)

On Mel’s Phone: Dynamite, Taio Cruz.

https://youtu.be/sLqdRmwY6vc

On His Phone: U + Ur Hand, Pink.

https://youtu.be/jkNnceNJXz0

Leviathan

(They picked the songs together after amine night)

On Mel’s Phone: Pokemon Theme Song!

https://youtu.be/JuYeHPFR3f0

On His Phone: Magia, Kalafina (I think) Puella Magi Madoka Magica.

https://youtu.be/sj3fy3J5EHI

Satan

(Nothing much to say here, they just picked a song that they think matched up well.)

On Mel’s Phone: You’re Going Down, Sick Puppies.

https://youtu.be/O0M5D5OA-d4

On His Phone: You’re Gonna Go Fair, Kid. The Offspring.

https://youtu.be/zEZRKgFIkxc

Asmodeus

(They got drink over cocktails and chose the songs while giggling like idiots. Plus they say “Bitch” and “Fuck you” to each other constantly, in a joking kind of way.)

On Mel’s Phone: Fuck You, Lily Allen.

https://youtu.be/NmlbfyptLOM

On His Phone: Bitch, Meredith Brooks.

https://youtu.be/6ge53QaDpKQ

Beelzebub

(Melaina chose Beel’s favourite workout song because she can’t un-see him working out to it. Beel chose the song because of Mel’s back tattoo.)

On Mel’s Phone: Eye Of The Tiger, Survivor. Rocky.

https://youtu.be/QEjgPh4SEmU

On His Phone: The Phoenix, Fall Out Boy.

https://youtu.be/5JqY-6q-RNA

Belphegor

(They both like Portal and quote the game at each other, they chose the songs by themselves with on prompting for them other. The others find this both funny and scary.)

On Mel’s Phone: Want You Gone, Portal 2.

https://youtu.be/dVVZaZ8yO6o

On His Phone: Still Alive, Portal.

https://youtu.be/Y6ljFaKRTrI

Diavolo

(Again, not much to say about the choices. Lucifer has heard both ring tones when alone with both of them on separate times and made a note of it.)

On Mel’s Phone: Hail To The King, Avenged Sevenfold.

https://youtu.be/liZXofwkePE

On His Phone: Titanium, Madilyn Bailey.

https://youtu.be/1UlRIbpYTwk

Barbatos

(An inside joke, they both love the classics)

On Mel’s Phone: Step In Time, Mary Poppins.

https://youtu.be/YSCdFVc6DoY

On His Phone: Substitutiary Locomotion, Bedknobs And Broomsticks

https://youtu.be/uFj2RZG2BEE

Solomon

(One uses spells, the other uses words to win a fight.)

On Mel’s Phone: Prologue, Harry Potter.

https://youtu.be/UuPb1J_RCJM

On His Phone: Dovahkiin, Sykrim.

https://youtu.be/AVy7YPNP_zI

Simeon

(They both like Disney films and picked a song that them think of the other. Melaina joked that Simeon would make a good Esmeralda in a good way. And Simeon joked back by saying “But it’s obvious!”)

On Mel’s Phone: God Help the Outcasts, The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

https://youtu.be/MEEpavnk7Uw

On His Phone: I Won’t Say I’m I Love, Hercules.

https://youtu.be/Tl0DMTlwLw4

Luke

(Was also watching Disney films with Melaina and Simeon and wanted to play too! But poor, sweet little Luke is still trying to find the right song -cries-)

Lily

(It’s their song, hearing it always brighten their day.)

On Both their phones: Drop Pop Candy.

https://youtu.be/UwdiUeH1RdA

Jake

(Melaina chose the ring tone for him first. Jake didn’t notice until she couldn’t find her phone after her shift at work, so he called her phone, hoping they could hear and follow the ringing. They found it in one of the cupboards with the cleaning supplies. Being a man of few words, Jake said nothing, but raised an eye brow at her. A month later it was Jake’s phone that went missing. Melaina couldn’t believe it at first, but she was happy, Jake just smirked and shock his head, how did his phone get under the stove?!)

On Mel’s Phone: Seven Nation Army, The White Stripes.

https://youtu.be/fRXtQpw7X3k

On His Phone: Alice, Avril Lavigne.

https://youtu.be/NzUP2QeRLmY

Miss Rose Miles

(Miss Miles started it. Don’t think she isn’t teach-savvy because she’s an old woman. She even set up the ring tone on Melaina’s phone while she was pouring her tea.)

On Mel’s Phone: The Way You Make Me Feel, Micheal Jackson.

https://youtu.be/m1w92hV5gRk

On Her Phone: Beat it, Micheal Jackson.

https://youtu.be/T2PAkPp0_bY

#obey me MC #obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me asmodeus #obey me beelzebub #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me simeon #obey me luke #obey me ocs

6 notes · View notes

hitchell-mope · 4 years

Text

(Third film. After “Substitutiary Locomotion”. Jaylos’s room. Carlos is working on a new machine to help them with finding Ben)

Jay: so run this by me again. This is gonna be a...?

Carlos: This IS a DNA tracking device. Two months after dad got the crown we were paired up for an intergrade scirnce fair.

Jay: yeah?

Carlos: I only needed him for one thing. Hair. Hair from dad. Nail clippings from mom, skin flakes from Doug, lipstick blotter from Evie, towel from lonnie, dessert spoon from Jane and I already had loads of dna from you. Because you never clear out the shower drain

Jay: I’ve gotten better at that

Carlos: uhhhh...no. No you haven’t. Hence the inordinate tips I give the cleaning staff

Jay (dryly): thanks sweets

Carlos: you’re welcome dear. Now. Once it’s ready we can go back to the others and finally find my father

(In the halls of the school a certain pirate is lingering near a suit of armour)

Harry (drolly): I can feel you lurking Jay

Hadie (brightly): Jay’s still with Carlos. It’s me. Your brother

(Harry jumps a foot in the air, startled and laund in Hadie’s arms bridal style)

Harry: why...

Hadie: you looked distracted. I thought I could help

Uma (walking up to them): well, ya can’t. Move it or loose it Silkrobe. I wanna talk to him.

Hadie: ok, ok. But (he grabs her upper arm) if you upset him you’ll have me to answer to.

Uma: I’m not scared of you.

Hadie: oh of course you’re not. You’re the sea witches scion. You know what? I see it. I really do. Slimmer. Younger. No lines on your face yet. But the personality. The physicality. The voice. You’re more like Ursula then you care to admit.

(Uma looks like she swallowed an owl whole)

Hadie: I’ll leave you two to chat

(He leaves and Harry approaches her)

Harry: you’re getting called out a lot ain’t ya?

Uma (calming down): I just wanted to tell you that I was wrong.

Harry: hmmmmm?

Hadie: take this dictaphone and commit it to memory. It’ll help when you have another lovers tiff.

Huma: OUT!

Hadie: sorry

(He slinks away)

Uma: I’m sorry.

Harry: for what?

Uma: not believing you, calling you a liar. You know. That whole schtick.

Harry: that’s god. What tipped you off.

Uma: the eye glow and fire hair.

Harry: ahhh. Well then. You’re forgiven. But I am gonna hold it over you. For a long long time

Uma: I’d expect nothing less

(Off towards the side Evie’s looking pissed off)

Evie: great. Now they’re both happy.

Celia: you really do hate them don’t you?

Evie: more then you will ever know

(Near there entrance Mal’s vainly trying to call Ben again)

Mal: please please please work. You have never not answered me when I needed you before so there’s no use in starting now GODDAMIT!

(She throws her phone against the walls and squats down in frustration her head in her hands. She lets out a guttural shuddering screams and vines shoot out from the floor. Hadie pulls Gil away, Evie pulls Celia away, Uma pulls Harry away and Harriet pulls Cj away from the violent magical burst)

Gil: remember what Milo said. Focus on what you can do right now and not what can’t be immediately fixed

Mal: I know I know. It’s just that URGH. I want Ben to be here. Cause at least then I know he’s safe.

Gil: my brother has magic just like yours. He’s fine.

Hadie: Gil’s right.

Mal: how? How could you possibly know. You heard the gunshots. Ben could be anywhere. Unconscious. Bleeding out. Dying. He could already be dead.

Hadie: well. A. If he has you’re magic as you well know he has then he’s nigh invulnerable. B. If he died I would’ve felt it. Doug too. I have this sort of. Radar. Not a gaydar Evie. A real one it’s sort of a feeling. I can feel the exact moment someone’s died. Two people have died in this building. But they’re fully human. Their stamp is different. And the second gunshot was a cover up. I think.

Mal: then how do we find Ben.

Carlos (sauntering in with the tracking device and followed by Jay who’s got the biggest grin on his face): I may be able to help with that oh mother of mine. Behold ladies and gentlemen. And sea witch and bastard pirates. My DNA tracking device. And one of dad’s hairs.

Mal (walking hopefully over to him): really. You brilliant child MWAH (she kisses him on the forehead) uh how does it work?

Carlos (slightly embarrassed but still a little smug): like so

(He puts the strand into the slat. It beeps getting faster and faster and more and more higher pitched. The fizzles out and dies)

Carlos: This didn’t happen last time. And no Evie I literally just fixed it up. I did everything correctly. Why isn’t it. Why isn’t it working? CMON DAMN YOU. WORK. I WANNA FIND MY DAD. ARRRRRGH

(He throw the machine away and copies Mal’s previously hunched over forlorn stance)

Carlos (near tears): I just want my dad back.

(Jay crouches down and hugs him tight)

Gil: what hair did you use?

Carlos: dads! What kind of hair do you think I would’ve used for finding the fucking king?

Gil: purple.

Carlos: huh?

Gil: Ben’s hair is purple now. Like Mal’s. He’s got her magic. And the ember finished the metamorphosis. His hair’s completely purple now. Ergo cinnamon coloured hair wouldn’t work anymore because he’s not fully human anymore.

Harry: what the fuck

Uma: you never used to be this comprehensible

Gil: I’m not just a pretty face and a hot bod now. Cranial gears are turning constantly in this ol noggin of mine. I like it here

Carlos: so, I’m not a failure

Mal (smiling reassuringly): not even close

Evie: you never were C.

Jay: at least we know it still works.

Hadie: our nephews a genius

Harry: he ain’t my nephew. He’s my would be victim

Mal: I can turn into a dragon so watch your cartoonishly lipless mouth

Harry: or what?

Mal: how does a gangly fillet mingon sound?

Harry: I dunno what that is but since you’re the one that said it then it’s gonna mean my death

Mal: so you finally managed to win at connect the dots. Congratulations dickbrain

Cj: Harry

Harry: give me one good reason I should snap you’re fugly little neck right now

Jay: Mal

Mal (sarcastically): uhhhh I’m a dragon which is how we started this ridiculous skit in the first place

Gil: HEEEEEEEEEEEY!!!! Look!

(The other ten follow the direction he’s pointing in. While Mal and hook were arguing the suits of armour snuck up on them. A hundred of them from all over the school. All to stop them in their tracks. This is when the opening to “this is war” happens)

Carlos: oh. My. Grandfather

Evie: what do we do?

Mal: uhhhh

Evie: Mal! WHAT THE HELL DO WE DO?

Uma: we fight. This is what we know.

Mal: I think they want me

Jay: nuh uh. No way. Ain’t gonna happen. You are not pulling the self sacrificial care. Not again.

Celia: I can take em

Core five, Huma, Hadie and the hook sisters: think again kiddo

Celia: oh I can fight

Mal: it’s a warning

Jay: a what?

(This is when “this is war” starts fully. After the song Mal nearly collapses but Jay catches her)

Mal: ohhh I cant believe that worked

Jay: you alright

Mal: don’t worry about me. Celia, you doing ok?

Uma: she’s fine

Celia: I can speak for myself thanks. I’m fine Mal.

Mal: good. Now we need to send a message to Maleficent and Chad. Maybe if I

Harry: oh for fucks sake. There’s more of them

(Sure enough. Thirty more suits of armour are marching towards the eleven vks)

Mal: of course. Oh my god I’m an idiot, not one word, from any of you or your tongue will disappear. If it’s Maleficent’s spell then

Jay: only another spell will counteract it

Evie: but what spell can counteract that of a dark fairy armed with the fairy godmothers wand.

Hadie: that of a god

(They all turn to look at him)

Hadie: with a little help from a free genie and child prodigy of course

Jaylos: we’re in

Mal: I hope to our father you know what you’re doing

Hadie: I’m a disciple of Dionysus. The first of this generation actually. What better way to stop the embodiment of evil with the embodiment of fun?

Mal: I wouldn’t know. I was never much fun

Evie: it’s true. I have it written on record in my diary.

Mal: oh that reminds me. Now we’re really sisters. I can read your diary with impunity

Evie: you can’t. Seriously. You can’t. It’s locked in a chest in my macrame room. And no one but Doug and I are allowed in my macrame room

Mal: That’s because it’s not a macrame room isn’t it? It’s you and Doug’s own private little love

Carlos: ohhhhkay. Let’s break this up before someone, Evie, gets thrown through a window or shot apart with glass.

Hadie: I concur nephew. Now everyone get to safety. Jay, Carlos and I will handle things from here

(Mal and Uma poof everyone else out of the room)

Hadie (eyes glowing a steely grey): suit of armor strong and true/make this metal bust a move

(This is when “cha cha slide” happens. After the song Hadie steps up to the final suit of armour)

Hadie: I believe my dear sister should have the honour of felling this one don’t you?

Jay: I should think so yes. What about you C?

Carlos: just tell em it’s safe to come back and dispense with the bullshit

Jay: Mal, Evie, Gil, Celia. Guys, it’s ok to come back now.

Hadie: Harry too

Jay: urgh...fine. Fathead as well.

(Two streams of smoke, one purple and one turquoise, swirl up from the floor and the other eight vks appear)

Mal: so what’s with the, uh, lone cyberman?

Jay: first of all, impeccable reference. Second of all, the three of us thought that you should do away with this yahoo

Mal: why?

Uma: yeah, why should she do it

Jay: because Mal is queen and you, captain calamari, barely qualify as a peasant. Go on M.

Mal: ok, ok. Ok. How do I...? OOH! I know. Ahem. (Her eyes start glowing). Go back to your masters, tell them that the vks are back in Auradon. We are running them out of town. And we are not gonna rest until they’re defeated. GO!

(The final suit of armour marches away)

Hadie: you’re incredible

(Uma looks mortally offended)

Mal: thanks. If you’ll excuse me (she takes a long swig if whiskey out of a hip flask) ohhhh that’s much better

Uma: is she seriously gonna be doing this most of the day?

Mal: probably. Milo’s asleep. So I’ve not got my therapist in hand.

Jay: if you don’t like it you can go

Hadie: please, please go

Evie: and ideally take a long walk off a short pier

Carlos: and get eaten by sharks

Celia: she’s my sister guys

Jaylos, Evie and Hadie: Sorry Ceels

Celia: Don’t be. She’s a drag

Mal: we need to find Ben

Carlos: agreed

Mal: so here’s what we’re gonna do. Evie, Uma and I are gonna take Celia to Evie and Doug’s place you’re rest up, I know you say you’re fine but your dad told me to look after you and I’m not ready to gain my inheritance yet

Uma: huh

Celia: dad’ll kill her if I get hurt or die

Uma: ohhhh

Mal: Jay, Carlos, Gil, Hadie. You guys look for Ben. The forest, the lake, surrounding areas. Any other places you can think of.

Hadie (joyfully): oh wait wait wait.

Mal: yeah?

Hadie: there’s a lot of intermagical tension within this little group and I personally feel that it could be dissipated if we do something about it

Mal: heh?

Hadie: an ice breaker

(The others groan outwardly)

Hadie (oblivious): I’ll go first. Harry

Harry (to himself): oh shit

Hadie: I love that your head has shrunk down from your infancy

(There’s a highly troubled silence)

Hadie (brightly): who’d like to go next

Carlos: I will. Gil. I love that you took to inventing like a duck to water.

Hadie: awww

Carlos: I’m not done yet. Uma. I hate you.

Hadie: ok...?

Carlos: I hate your. Idiocy. Your shortsightedness. Your malevolence. Your vindictiveness. Your. Obsession with one upping my mother. But if I’d course you don’t do you? Not if you’re the one in the right. Do you even know what he tried to do to me? Five years ago on my eleventh birthday I got lost in the marketplace. Separated from Mal and jay. I wandered into the docks. And I heard barking. Loud. Feral. Wolf like barking. I ran. But he cornered me. I yelled for help. And I heard you laughing. You laughed as I cried for someone to save me. Someone did. Evie. Did. She stabbed him in the leg. We left Harry bleeding out on the floor. But I still have nightmares sometimes. And I think I’ll always have them. But that’s ok. But you have to keep that away from me if you ever want me to see you as anything other than a petty vindictive shrimpy looking bitch.

Hadie (nonplussed): wow. Harry is this true?

Harry (very very surprised but not at all ashamed): well I uh...oh yeah. And I’d do it again. It was a really fun time for me

Carlos: I’m gonna kill him

Mal: bury the body in the forest. We’ll split up into two groups. My sister and cousins with me. Jay leads the search for Ben. Carlos Gil and Hadie go with him

Uma: and what about them?

(She points to the hook sibling)

Mal: honestly I blocked them out. Uhhhh.

Carlos: they can go with us.

Everyone else: what?

Carlos: my boyfriends a genie. My uncles a god. They can keep them in line. And as the cliche goes. Keep those you hate in short spikes

Cj: that is not the

Mal, Jay and Evie: yes it is.

Hadie: so I guess this is where we part ways. Awww. Our little family’s breaking up. I’m sad now

(Audrey walks in just as Hadie’s about to bear hug Evie)

Audrey: Mal?

Mal (relieved): Audrey? Good. You’re not asleep. He’s not gotten to you yet.

Audrey: no. Ben told me to activate the defensive mechanisms. Then I heard you fighting. Carlos you were great by the way. And who are these guys

Hadie: my names Hadie. I’m gay.

Audrey: I’m Audrey. And do I really look desperate?

Evie: don’t talk to me, I hate you

Mal: RIGHT! Of course. Introductions. Hadie’s my oldest brother. The one with a raccoon face that’s eyeing you like a piece of meat is my other brother Icarus. Sidenote: Evie’s my little sister and she’s 24 hours younger than me. Scary looking girl is Uma, my cousin. She’s hates me. Redcoat is Harry’s ever something truthful sister Harriet, their father is very imaginative. And the other one eyeing you like a piece of meat is Harry’s other sister Cj. Listen gormless. Audrey’s straight. You’re not getting lucky

Cj: dammit

Audrey: Uma...oh yeah. I’ve heard of you. Though judging from your frankly terrifying expression my longevity relies on me not saying what I’ve heard so I’ll shut up now

Uma (scowling): good choice

Mal: lets go to your room. We can talk there. I’m still not entirely sure this areas safe. Walls could have ears

(They all go to Audrey’s room. Outside the school Hades is trying to explain himself to Elsa)

Hades: what else do you need to know? I’ve said everything of importance

Elsa: but what I don’t get is why show up now

Hades: to help. To help my children defeat my ex wife

Lonnie: whoah whoah uhuh um. Ex wife?

Hades: yes. Maleficent. She left the morning after the ceremony. Can you imagine?

Lonnie: sadly yes.

Hades: I feel your pain. She was exquisite in the

Lonnie (hands covering her ears): LALALALALALALALALALALALALAIMNOTLISTENINGLALALALALALALALALALA

Elsa: it’s a tetchy subject

Hades: so I can see

Jane: are you really here to help

Dizzy: more to the point. Is Harry really my uncle?

Hades: yes. And yes

Dizzy: this is proof more then ever that there is no god. Except there is. You’re it. But he still exists. Why

Hades: I was hard up

Dizzy: I’m gonna need so much therapy after this

Elsa: agreed. Well my lord hades. I’m sorting this out so there’s no need for you here. If you’ll be on your way I can help my daughter and her friends

Hades: my daughters and their friend could do with my help

Lonnie (aside to the other two): you’ve heard of fighting in-laws? Well here’s the rarer but just as intense biological parents vs adoptive parents. I saw it on tv once

Dizzy: and?

Lonnie: nothing made sense. But hades seems nicer then Regina.

Dizzy: mom wouldn’t let me watch that show. She hated that woman

Lonnie: many do

Jane: and the rest?

Lonnie: think she’s a lesbian and in love with the biological parent. Who’s also her step granddaughter

Jane: some people are very weird

Lonnie: tell me about it

Elsa: I don’t want to hear it. You left them to their mothers and that cannot be forgiven. So no. I’m not gonna let you interfere with my daughter or her friends

Lonnie: here’s an idea. How about we all go help? Hades is more powerful then Maleficent. Elsa is an entirely different class of magic. We’re up against the fairy godmothers wand. Aka. Jane’s inheritance. So it’d be more productive if we all pooled our efforts, locate my boyfriend and his family and then take down chad and Maleficent. How does that sound

(The adults murmur their agreement)

Lonnie: now we can concentrate on

(A window on one of the upper floors explodes and a giant shadow flies out followed by a couple of gauntlets and pieces of chainmail and four helmets)

Jane: oh that is not good

Hades (worriedly): Celia. Oh this is not good

Lonnie: what do we do?

Hades: I’ll tell you what we’re going to do. We’re going to get my children and my boyfriends daughters

Jane: I’m sorry what?

Dizzy: Uma and Celia are Doctor Facillier’s daughters. And how come you never told me you were dating him

Hades: it’s only been six months sweetheart. No one really knows yet and I’m an idiot cause he swore me to secrecy. Great. My wife’s going to be so thrilled

Jane: you have a wife? But Maleficent divorc

Hades: Persephone and I have a standing agreement from three million years ago. We’re gods. As long as she know most of them she promises not to smite them and vice versa

Lonnie: I hope Gil and I have a love like yours

Hades: thank you dear. You were being sarcastic weren’t you?

Lonnie: yes I was sir

Hades (smiling genuinely): I like you

Lonnie (smiling as well): I wish I could say the same

Elsa: how do you propose we get into the castle “milord”?

Hades: magic. Obviously.

Elsa: your move

Hades: gladly. Is everyone ready?

Elsa: oh we’re ready

(He steps forward and ignites his hands. This is when “the Phoenix” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

5 notes · View notes

ghostlenin · 5 years

Text

West Arlew Session 3 Recap

Session 2 (or, the second part of session 2) ended at the docks with the commotion of the arrival of the Boyar of Gogolgrad’s delegation. In the crowd you noticed a mystery man on top of a warehouse shipping crane, a brewmeister with a familiar apron and a magical aura that prevented people from standing too close to him, the Copper Street Urchins casing the crowd, and Lady Beatrice d’Saudade making a rare public appearance.

Aldora had paid the Urchins for some info. They told you that in the fight with the flying abomination - people are calling it the Red Terror - it seems to have been wounded. For a bit more gold, they told you princess Olesya’s injuries were not just physical, but she also seems to have been poisoned by the Red Terror. For a bit more gold, though not as much as they were asking because Cody snuck up on the orphan child, you learned that the welcome fete is still happening, but in 5 days’ time and - this is the juicy part - at the Cosmos, the up-and-coming luxury hotel and competitor of the Majesty, Daggerpoint’s premier hang for the social elites.

Looking up to identify the mystery man on the crane, he disappeared with a poof after he twirled his cloak around.

The brewmeister of the Pointy Hat invited you back to his bar to talk in a more private location. It’s in Oldtown, number 12 on the map above. The bouncer/doorman made you deposit your weapons in the mouth of a carving of a face on the wall, and you got your hand stamped when you put your stuff in. The bar itself is underground in the cellar space seemingly spanning the entire block. Its low ceilings were arched, and all of it were made of brick and stone. Imagine something like the picture below:

Towards the back of the large room was the bar, and the man from the docks was already behind the bar washing some glasses. He introduced himself as Taryn Kettleman, the brewmeister of the Pointy Hat. He looked like Phoebus from the Hunchback of Notre Dame (above). He praised the party for showing great potential and being brighter than most of the others that join up with the Guardians. It seemed like it took him a bit to remember that he’d sent a messenger out to you while you were on your way back from Swindmore. After some questions and some very large beer orders from Cody - entire liters of tasty brown ale - he offered you a deal. “You take care of something for me, to prove you can handle yourselves, a test of sorts, and I’ll answer as many of your questions as I can. In fact, I’ll open up a whole new world of weird and mystery to you.” All you have to do is deliver a small package to an elderly elf woman named Yrnamar at the Tower Stables in Cliffton, and then bring back the package she’ll give you. You agreed. Balthazar’s detect magic spell pinged at least 5 different schools of magic coming off the small box.

Scoping out the bar, Katriel noticed that there was a wood statue in the corner that looked just like the messenger that came running for you on the road. There were 4 other statues in the corners that looked like other people, but carved out of wood all the same. Kettleman mentioned that, since you’re Guardians and all, there happens to be a bounty for a caravan guard to Cliffton - why not make a little money on the way?

Outside the bar, after retrieving your weapons, Katriel summoned her familiar, an undead skeleton bird that materialized out of a wall. Aldora went looking for more information on the Pointy Hat and Kettleman. What he found out was that the bar’s been around longer than anyone can remember - might as well be forever - but nobody he talked to had actually been in there. Another guy said that they sell Pointy Hat ale at the market, and it’s the best he’d ever had. Orin went looking through the magic item room at the Horse and Pony and finally settled on his reward - gloves of ogre strength. Balthazar went to the magical library in town, the Arcaneum Originem, to see what interesting things he might find on the road to Cliffton and read about a tavern called the Bearded Grell, the fantasy equivalent of a biker bar, famous for its wild mushroom soup. Cody went to sleep.

The next morning, the party visited Ulin Gerswain, the person looking for a caravan guard. The address listed was a three-story building outside Cliffgate (6 on the map at the top) with a large staircase. In the offices at the top, you met a 2 1/2 ft tall hunchback gnome arcane inventor. Like the picture above, but more hunched over. His latest scheme is to make a safe, reliable, and quick transportation option for the 31-mile trek between Daggerpoint and Cliffton called the Magi-lev. It involves erecting 30 ft high poles every half mile. On top of the poles is a device of his own cunning that essentially acts as a spell amplifier, director, and repeater. Once the line is set up, you go to the station (which he owns), and board what is essentially a large cart. The cart's driver is a trained magic user who casts the spells to keep the cart floating and moving. Ulin's done extensive testing and is sure - in theory - that it will work. While he won't share the details of what he calls 'substitutiary locomotion' he was too excited not to mention the great discovery that led to his breakthrough: by using an ancient, long-forgotten magical language he can alter common spells to act in different ways. His understanding of this language isn't that good though - he's only got partial translations of two dusty scrolls - so he has to rely on the power of the leylines.

The job was to protect him and his supplies on the way to Cliffton and to help him and his assistant, a warforged fighter named Tigermoth, install the 65 poles. He said while much of the journey will be made along the actual road, because the Magi-lev has to follow the leylines, some of it will be in the forest. It normally takes about 2 days to walk from Daggerpoint to Cliffton, but Ulin estimated it will take 4-5 days if we can average 15ish poles per day (takes about an hour to walk to the next position, dig the hole for the pole, and then have Ulin enchant and activate it). Ulin also offered you the chance to be part of the maiden voyage of the Magi-lev once you get to Cliffton.

Most of the pole-installing went easily. Many people passing by seemed to know Ulin and wanted to know what was going on - he was happy to give them his sales pitch. The first complication was a pole that needed to go exactly where a roadside shrine to Tymora, goddess of fortune, has been erected. This was touchy business. You got the statue moved very easily, with Cody earning a bit of favor from the goddess, but Katriel could only remember the exact position of 48% of the offerings, and she burned the rest, and immediately felt a sense of foreboding. Aldora offered the prayer to rededicate the shrine and did a fine enough job.

The next issue was that a pole needed to go directly in the middle of the Bearded Grell. Balthazar relayed what he’d read about the place, and Ulin apologized - he knew this was going to be an issue. In fact, he’d been thrown out of this place when he’d asked the owner, Shon. But, he also had a special short pole he could put on top of the Bearded Grell if Shon agreed. The party went in and negotiated with Shon, who looks like Nathan Explosion from Metalocalypse, to the tune of a 800gp/month contract with Ulin in exchange for putting the Magi-lev pole on his roof. The mushroom soup was delicious. That night, Katriel had terrible dreams, but couldn’t remember any of them when she woke up.

The next day, there were a few more complications. First, Malanoor, a Tree Maiden of the Sisters of the Forest, accosted you for desecrating the forest. Orin felt bad and tried to sympathize, but just came off both aggressive and suggestive. She left without incident, but promised she’d let the Sisters know what was going on.

Later, while laying a pole, you smelled fire off deeper into the woods. Katriel’s familiar revealed a cult of pyromaniacs arsoning a village. You went in to stop the fires. Aldora cast fog cloud, Orin shapeshifted into a giant elk, Katriel set the elk’s antlers on fire, and Cody and Balthazar hopped into the fray and went for the cult leader, a quaggoth.

You made short work of the cultists, outright killing most of them, including a decapitation from Cody and a Piccolo-style beam cannon eldritch blast shot right through the chest of another. One guy yielded and two others were put to sleep. Aldora took the one that surrendered to Ulin while the rest helped put out the fires in the village.

The cultist explained that they weren’t from here but were summoned. They just love lighting shit on fire though, and they just happened to arrive at this village, so they did what they do best. He had no idea why they appeared where they did. Aldora suggested to Ulin and Tigermoth that summoning members of a cult that doesn’t even exist on this plane of reality was likely a result of his incomplete knowledge of powerful ancient magic he was using to build the Magi-lev. Tigermoth countered that 1) you can’t prove it was his master’s fault, and 2) dealing with unintended consequences is a major part of life. Besides, Ulin has - or will have - enough gold to hire you or anyone else to take care of those issues, should they arise. Aldora still felt uncomfortable, but you all agreed to keep the bounty contract. Orin however decided to stay behind in the village to help them clean up and start rebuilding, promising to meet back up in Cliffton.

The next day, Ulin needed a pole placed in the middle of a fairy ring. Cody, being a bear, knew this was probably a bad idea. Nevertheless, he and Aldora crossed into the fairy ring. They blinked out of reality for a couple seconds, but then reappeared as if nothing happened. Katriel leaned down to investigate the mushrooms that made up the ring and inexpertly plucked one, which made her blink out of reality for a second as well. Nobody else wanted to cross into the ring, but the pole went up anyway.

While blinked out, Cody, Aldora, and Katriel found themselves in the court of a lord of the fey, a powerful magical creature. He offered them a choice: either amuse him by sacrificing a part of themselves, or let him perform a little magic trick on them. Aldora sacrificed a level 2 spell slot, but Cody and Katriel decided on letting him perform a trick (read: curse). Cody can no longer enter any building without being explicitly invited, and Katriel will forever smell strongly of fish.

The next day, you got closer and closer to the road. The last pole in the forest however presented a problem. When you tried to insert the pole into the hole you and Tigermoth dug, you heard a low and grumbly “ow!” The ground rose up and unfolded - it was a galeb duhr!

He was angry you hit him on the head with a giant pole, but you explained the situation. The Magi-lev would help people! “Well I like helping people,” he grumbled. All he had to do was move. “But I’ve been in my spot for 419 years, I don’t know where I should go,” he grumbled. You told him of the village from yesterday that could probably use some help. “Well I like helping people,” he grumbled. Cody gave him a tiny red pebble. “Thank you, I haven’t eaten in 419 years,” he grumbled, then curled up into a boulder and rolled off toward the forest village.

The only other complication was near the gates of Cliffton. A group of young nobles started harassing you. “What are you doing to my road? You’re ruining it!” Turns out his father, Sir Snively Whipface, had adopted this stretch of the road. This young man, Snidely Whipface, was very indignant, but realized that in a head to head fight, he and his posse would lose badly. Instead, he resorted to insults and threats.

Finally you got to a building outside Cliffton that looked just like Ulin’s offices near Daggerpoint - it’s the end station. He thanks you for your assistance, pays you your 200gp, with a bonus 200 in helping deal with all those complications, and then urges you to return in a few hours to be a part of the maiden voyage on the Magi-lev!

#dnd #west arlew

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