#the anatomy of love

[saintmaudes]

Where did love begin? What human being looked at another and saw in their face the forests and the sea? Was there a day, exhausted and weary, dragging home food, arms cut and scarred, that you saw yellow flowers and, not knowing what you did, picked them because I love you?

—Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

#jeanette Winterson #lighthousekeeping #2023 reads #the anatomy of love #w #upl

[tcookies777]

Where I am now

Many of you have left such kind comments and sent me messages out of concern for my wellbeing. For that, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I also appreciate your patience as I understand it can be difficult to wait months for a chapter update on a long, tedious fic such as The Anatomy of Love. Your patience for this story is always sincerely appreciated.

I've been struggling for months to find the right words to say. To decide whether to express the ache in my heart or draw lines and stay silent. But while a part of me wishes to say little to nothing on the matter out of a sense of shame, the better part of me recognizes that conversations like the one I'm about to raise are something that needs to be discussed more. If only to raise awareness of the topic or help destigmatize it. If only to normalize issues like these. If only to just help someone else who might be going through a dark period in their life as well.

It's here that I'll give a final warning of the sensitive topics of this post. So feel free to turn away now if the topic of mental illness might be upsetting.

Trigger warning: suicide and mental illness

Ok, so here goes....

My sister committed suicide. I won't go into details of course, but it was not peaceful or quiet - it was violent, gruesome, and excruciatingly painful. So much so that the police thought it might've been a murder and harshly investigated us, making everything more difficult and traumatizing than it already was.

She had battled with depression for nearly 2 decades, deteriorating far beyond recognition. We had grown estranged over the years of my childhood because she pushed loved ones away, blaming them for the way she turned out but also still relying on them to survive. An awful cycle of codependency.

I myself have been battling with high-functioning depression for the past decade, which is one reason why I struggle to respond to people's messages. From readers, friends, and family alike. I, too, have an issue of pushing people away. Because I'm ashamed for them to see how broken my life is. Because I have seen the way people judge you for having a mental illness. I have witnessed friends, family, and even Healthcare workers gaze upon the mentally ill as if they are a sore sight.

To be honest, I understand both sides; it can also be frustrating to pool all your time, effort and resources into trying to help someone who does not want to be helped. It burns you out. That despite your efforts to fight for that person, they do not fight for themselves and you're forced to watch them deteriorate in a slow, agonizing process.

"At the beginning, you’ll do your best to shoulder all my burdens. At the beginning, you’ll be strong about it. But over time, you’ll come to regret it—you'll come to regret me, and the burden that I have become to you." — Kakashi, Chapter 30 of The Anatomy of Love

On the other side, it's hard to take that step to accept the help offered to you. It's hard to find the strength to meet your loved ones halfway and help them to help you when you hardly have the strength to even get out of bed. Yet, you also feel guilty because it feels as if you are just dragging down those around you.

These are the feelings Kakashi expresses to Sakura in Chapter 30, when he tries to explain the reasons why they cannot and should not pursue a relationship. Guilt and self-loathing are the feelings that have been eating me up inside for years, as they ate at my sister as well.

We were born from a loveless, violent marriage. So we didn't know how to love each other, though we did whether we wanted to or not. Likely it was the trauma that bonded us. But put together, my sister and I were oil and water. Loving someone who is your family but is practically a stranger to you is incredibly difficult and taxing.

Yet, I understood completely. You just don't know how to show love to someone when you were never given love.

But despite my estrangement from my sister, I still love her. Being a 1st generation American often means you have nothing but your family. When you have no house, no savings, no relatives to turn to - just your immediate family - it can be a toxic, tough love where you have only that person whether you like them or not. And in Asian culture, family is especially everything even when it's completely dysfunctional.

So why am I updating TAOL now?

It's mostly for myself. Because it's my own comfort fic that allows me to engage in therapeutic writing. It's a story of loneliness and love of all forms (romantic, sexual, familial, etc). More importantly, it's a story about finding family, finding love, and finding home. Something that I've yearned for all my life.

And it's a story of pursuing happiness even when you think you don't deserve it. It's a story that shows good coping mechanisms and bad coping mechanisms and their consequences. It's a story of picking yourself up by the bootstraps even when you just want to sit and wallow in despair. And it's also a story of embracing the love of those around you and taking their hands when they reach out to you and offer their support.

At its core, The Anatomy of Love is a story about fighting loneliness, self-hatred, guilt, and mental illness with love. With the love of friends and family. And with the love for yourself. Because while it's important to have a strong support system to love and look out for you, it is just as important to love yourself and really put in the effort to take care of yourself. And sometimes that means being ""selfish"" and prioritizing yourself over others.

Why am I saying all this?

I'll admit, I'm uncomfortable revealing the skeletons in my closet to strangers online where everyone can judge and share my secrets. I'm embarrassed to admit that TAOL's themes are projections of my own desires, and for people to know that I write about such things in fanfic because of the fact that I don't have them. But I'm just too insecure to talk to anyone 1 on 1. Not to mention that, unfortunately, it's not that simple to just go to therapy (especially when the healthcare system is broke here).

Most importantly, I hope that if there's anyone out there reading this and going through a shitty point in their lives as well... I hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you are not alone in this. We individually have our own demons to fight, but we're all fighting the same battle.

I wish I could say it gets better, but there's honestly no guarantee. So many times, I've had to stop myself from telling patients "things'll get better" because that's a promise that we're taught never to make. The truth is no one knows if things really do get better. Personally, I haven't been feeling better at all. For most of my life, people have been telling me it gets better and to just be patient, but every year it actually gets worse and worse. And just when you think things are starting to look up, it instead gets even more worse.

It's tiresome waiting years for things to get better when it seems it's nowhere in sight.

But I'm trying my best to take it day by day. I do my best to get out of bed, go to work, take a proper shower, feed myself. I do my best to love myself - mostly out of fear that what little family I have will one day disappear and I will have no one left to love me. No one but myself.

But sometimes my best does not feel enough. Sometimes I hate myself more days than others.

That's okay, I tell myself. I hate myself today, but I will love myself tomorrow. I will forgive myself eventually. I can be happy eventually. One day at a time.

Because on my better days, I realize that not every person can afford to wait for things to get better. You have to be the one to take the initiative - get off your ass and take that step forward and make things better yourself. All the people around you can offer you all the help that you need, but the most important thing is that YOU have to want to help yourself.

So that's all I am able to say for now. I do apologize if my thoughts are a bit discombobulated. I am still struggling to find my feet when it feels like I'm still drowning under pounding waves of darkness. If you've read this far, I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

Meanwhile, I hope you guys can continue to enjoy reading The Anatomy of Love. The chapter is not entirely to my satisfaction due to the last minute revisions I made, but I wanted a sprinkle of happiness in the moment. I think that's something we all need.

Also, thank you for the messages you have sent me and the comments you left. I'm truly sorry I do not have the courage or strength to respond, but please know I am forever grateful and touched that people would reach out to a stranger like me.

Hope to see you soon,

TCOOKIES

#a cookie speaks #the anatomy of love

[latenightsonrooftops]

The Anatomy of Love by @tcookies777

Art by me

Follow me on Twitt|Insta @lateroofnights

Thnxs!

#sasusaku #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #the anatomy of love #fic in ao3 #fanart #naruto #they a little crazy yall #more so sasuke but what else is new #i pray i didnt make an editing mistake #its late yall #sigh #artist on tumblr

[readingisloving]

#update #the anatomy of love #naruto #naruto fanfiction #kakashi x sakura #kakashi hatake #sakura haruno

[kimikocanvas]

Small sketch 🤗❤️

FanFic: The Anatomy of Love by @tcookies777

#naruto #art #fanart #anime #drawing #digital art #hatake #kakashi #sakura #haruno #taol #the anatomy of love #kakasaku

[sinsydia]

ITS OUT UPDATE 1.6

TIME TO ROMANCE THE EMO MOTORCYCLE BF ONCE MORE

*chugs mayo violently*

#stardew valley #sebastian sdv #sdv sebastian #i wasnt going to give him that sleeveless hoodie thing but.. um.. i did for the love of anatomy #and i didnt want to draw all the tattoos but once again.. for the love of anatomy #concerned ape thank you for creating him i owe you my life #sinsydia

[amygdalae]

this is the only anime i care abt for a variety of reasons but especially because theres comparative anatomy (the coolest thing in the world to me)

#i love u comparative anatomy i love u bones mwah mwah mwah #i enjoy how marcille and laios get along best when sorting bones because its where their freak special interests intersect #dungeon meshi #dungeon meshi spoilers

[teddytheartist]

“Mmnph- !!”

#the anatomy on this is nonexistent pffff #shy zuko for the win def #they’re in love your honor #zukka #zukka fanart #fanart #atla #atla fanart #avatar the last airbender #zuko #sokka

[butterflyscribbles]

It all started with someone else’s hc that Donnie has an innocent/benign heart murmur on Discord and ended with “what solidified leo as the team medic?” and I have not recovered...

Bonus, after three days of extensive research and not a wink of sleep:

#rise donnie #rise leo #rottmnt #rise of the tmnt #disaster twins #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #I think about medic leo sm guys #I love to think leo is a closeted egghead and actually reads a lot but mostly about medicine and anatomy #he just needs to keep his fam safe:’) #if he hadn’t been serious about it before he definitely was after that…..

[pokeberry5]

i feel like i never draw tim smiling but bb robin tim smiles a lot! (in between angst and tragedy)

brought to you by my continued attempts at figuring out tim’s early robin hair

#dc #sart #tim drake #he’s got smug cat energy and i love him #most of these are referencing moments from tim’s earlier appearances which i /tried/ to track down but they’re like scattered across #like 4 different series and bleh #’tec 365-367 does have Batman and robin fight a villain thru the power of Tim’s mad gaming skills while Jim Gordon gets addicted to video #games in the background #ringing in the new year w my boy 😤 #I started this a while ago but got stuck in anatomy hell #are u really an artist if u’ve never stripped downt to ur underwear so u can stand in front of a big mirror #and stare furiously at ur own joints

[puppyeared]

these two are so interesting to me

characters belong to @canisalbus

#clenches fists. im so sosososo normal about them. i think about them a normal amount (lying) #actually the 2nd image is based on some sort of anime couple pose template(?????) that i saw a while back and wanted to draw them in it #but i swear to god i CANNOT FUCKING FIND IT. i was literally knee deep in yuri and yaoi fanart for hours trying to find that god damn photo #but i dont even know who the characters were and pinterest just shows me bakugou and deku making out sloppy style whenever i try #so i gave up an tried drawing it from memory and cried the whole time. i hate anatomy.. but they look so happy so its fine #god whenever i see Lore or sweet little tidbits for these two i want to tear into something with my teeth and throw something /pos #i genuinely want to study these gay little renaissance dogs under a microscope #what fucks me up is the fact that we all know it ends horribly but u cant help loving them anyway.. they are so. incoherent hand gestures #my art #myart #others ocs #vasco #machete #vaschete #furry art #fur #anthro

[ofukitty]

THERES A CATS DONT DANCE AU MADE BY thehumanblob1 AND I HAD TO DOODLE SOMETHING FOR IT!! ITS MY CHILDHOOD MOVIE!!

#poppy playtime #poppy playtime fanart #poppy playtime catnap #poppy playtime dogday #catnap #dogday #catnap x dogday #dogday x catnap #ITS SO DAMN CUTE I LOVE THESE TWO!! #ALSO SHOUT OUT TO MY FRIEND STAR FOR THE ANATOMY TIPS #my art

[tcookies777]

new TAOL chapter coming

I'll finaly be uploading the next chapter of The Anatomy of Love on Friday, December 8 at 3pm PST. Not Sunday because I will be half-awake and high on coffee that day in preparation for finals week.

The chapter is a whopping ~20k words worth with some special seasoning of spice in it. So I hope this special, gargantuan chapter compensates for the late update and serves as a nice study break for you guys if you're also finishing finals.

Anyway, my joints are creaking, back aches, hip hurts, and I'm getting so much white hair now, so cross fingers for me that I'll survive finals because I'm not as young as I was before 😭

And good luck to you guys too!

#kakasaku #kakashi x sakura #the anatomy of love

[lotus-pear]

every time i think abt their canon height difference i want to eat drywall

#ISTG I COULD NOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GET THE ANATOMY RIGHT FOR THIS ONE IDK WHY😭😭 #anyway they make me sick in the head i try to go one day without thinking abt them and my rotting brain starts shutting down #they're like the iv drip that's keeping my sickly malnourished deteriorating body alive #live laugh love soukoku #bungou stray dogs #bungo stray dogs #bsd #dazai osamu #osamu dazai #chuuya nakahara #nakahara chuuya #soukoku #skk #lotus draws

[readingisloving]

#update #the anatomy of love #naruto #naruto fanfiction #kakashi x sakura #kakashi hatake #sakura haruno

[titsay]

#art #illustration #artoftheday #digital painting #artists on tumblr #artist #procreate #love #heart #skeletonart #anatomy #titsay #titsayart