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#the best thing in my life

me, up at 3am: so here’s why clerics should be Better,

#look i’m sure some people (probably hannah) could make a compelling case against this but., #i dont like divine intervention!!! i think it’s a boring and very underwhelming ability, #it’s just. i Know there’s compelling ways to do it but. i dont like that your Highest level thing, #is calling on someone else. i just. its not as Cool!, #this post is brought to you by me looking at paladin abilities, #i think. my problem simply is that i want clerics to be more like paladins, #maybe i just wasn’t raised christian enough for this 😔, #but. you spend your whole life/adventure healing and defending and helping. and even if you have a god you’re channeling thats still YOU, #and at the end of it all. at your most powerful. you call on some other force? something besides YOU?, #idk. i simply don’t Vibe with it personally, #it doesn’t seem satisfying to me if it works hsjsjsj, #divine intervention.... bro just do it urself smh 🙄, #but yeah i firmly think it’s WAY more compelling to have a paladin-like ability than divine intervention, #i’m also probably biased by playing cami and her Not having a god but i think that’s how more SHOULD be, #also. i have unity takes but i won’t get into those just that emboldening should be Different 😤, #katana is my best friend i think for that talk about how there should be more subclasses based in Community, #i guess i just don’t. really see the appeal of such devotion to one being and i don’t think it makes sense for that devotion to Work, #i think i just. yeah clerics should be more like paladins 😤😤😤 devoted to an Idea not a god, #i can’t see a narrative about getting a cleric to level 20 making Sense unless at some point they become about ideas instead of a god., #because otherwise what is the Point. if you devote your existence so fully to something else it Doesn’t End Well imo, #anyways. gonna go back to drawing hsjsjs, #nicki talks, #dnd hours
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Y'all mind if I ramble a bit?

You don’t?


So I’ve been thinking about this attempted insult I received on Twitter the other day, this rando called me Tumblr Trash, which was meant as an insult but honestly I was fucking cackling at how stupid that insult was.

(Then Someone called me a redditor which made me laugh more because like, the kids who bullied me in elementary school had worse insults than that??? Like get creative Y'all it takes some serious shit to offend me)

Anyways, back on topic, it got me thinking about how much I fucking love Tumblr, like I’ve been so much more happy when I’m able to interact with people and share my work with Y'all.

Like I’ve been dealing with a lot of irl shit that I can’t avoid anymore because of the whole quarantine thing and Tumblr, Reddit, and AO3 have been keeping me sane at this point. I’ve been so happy to have people to talk to about my interests and not constantly have the feeling of a certain someone in my life constantly looking over my shoulder.

So yeah I am Tumblr trash,

No I will not get a fucking life,

And to answer your question rando on twitter:

Yes the Texas brain eating amoeba did get me, and I might be a fucking idiot because of it but at least I’m enjoying myself being A Mysterious Anon.

(On the topic of dealing with irl shit:

Mini shout out to my best friend (you know who you are) who has been the best fucking friend ever, he was the only one to respond to my texts this entire quarantine and he’s been fucking lifesaver for my mental health. I seriously don’t deserve you dude. 💕)

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Something that I see in a lot of body positivity circles is a lot of well meaning, blind lip service to an “all shapes and sizes” credo, but zero understanding of what that looks like.

I’m thrilled that there is more unabashed love for curves in the world. But it is upsetting that the body appreciation is still mostly an expansion of adoration for white western bodies. Beyond the expectation for light skin and fine hair, there is a universal assumption of height, proportions, muscle mass, fat distribution, etc. This literally isn’t just skin deep.

I’ve been a part of these circles for a long time. It is impossible to ignore how white women (and women-adjacent folks!) in particular will praise each other for Very Eurocentric Traits, but the conversation falters as soon as it’s not about us.

I’ve caught my own frustration that it’s actually not as simple as practicing ~radical self-love~ when speaking to my BIPOC friends about body image. I seen the same white friend proud about not shaving just laugh nervously when a friend with darker body hair excitedly say the same. I know the way my other white friends struggle to even comprehend the shape of my body because my broad shoulders, barrel chest, and unibrow announce that I’m not Western European in the same way they are. Like… very real examples with very real consequences exist far closer to home than the fashion industry.

There isn’t a magic bullet to this, and I honestly don’t know if I have the space to cover just how deep this runs. Beauty standards are defined by systemic racism, misogyny, cissexism, toxic masculinity, ableism, classism, Eurocentrism, and so much more. All I can say is that you have to accept that learning is an ongoing, active process that you aren’t exempt from because you face discrimination – especially if you’re white. Narrowing your perspective on body positivity down to the discrimination you personally face not only blinds you to the harm done to others, but it only makes us less effective in addressing the root of the problem.

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looking up “How to Write a Resignation Letter” and now questionign myself.

I’ve been so fed up for months and now they have people hired on. I’m not leaving them in the lurch but I’m terrified for this leap of faith I’m going to make.

Also kind of worried that this is a knee-jerk reaction to my anxiety/migraine attack but also admitting that this has been coming on since my graduation in 2018.

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#literally how do you stop missing someone, #it’s been over a year now since i’ve had that final™️ convo with my best friend, #and my chest still literally aches with how much i miss her, #i have never missed someone like this before in my life, #i literally look at pictures of us and instantly start to cry and it’s been over a YEAR, #we literally grew up together, #i have a photo of us when we were four years old, #but we grew up and grew apart and suddenly our needs changed, #and ultimately i am not what she needs anymore, #and i respect that really, #i just wish i could fucking move on too you know, #i’ve learned so much about friendship from her, #and there was definitely a lot of times where i was straight up unfair and asked too much of her, #and she wasn’t perfect either i know we both let each slide too often and called each other out when it wasn’t necessary, #but this time it was like i was talking with a whole other person, #our thing was we would always have sit down convos and talk about what’s bothering us instead of bottling it and it helped create a really, #healthy dynamic for us, #and when i communicated that my needs as her friend weren’t being met i just wasn’t expecting her to literaly verbalize that she was pickin, #her boyfriend over me, #to quote ‘you are not my priority anymore and i’m sorry but you’re just going to have to be okay with that now’, #which felt so weird to me because i never asked her to choose, #she just was suddenly not texting me and leaving me on read and standing me up for planned events, #and i think there was just so much miscommunication, #but i see her at work all the time, #and she just doesn’t even look at me, #and hangs out with people who hate me. people who very proudly hate me and have hated me for three years now, #and i have so many reasons to hate her but i cannot bring myself to ever think badly about her, #there was legit one point HAHA HERE WE GO IM CRYING, #there was one point in my life where if i had to choose her or my husband, #i would have picked her
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i’ve thought very hard about how i’d tell him

#i don’t know that there’s a best way tbqh, #i think you need to let it come up organically and just let it come from the heart, #it gets so hard sometimes though, #like everything in me is screaming to just TELL HIM already so i’m not constantly trapped in my own head about it, #and we can at least move on from there, #i wish i could just record my thoughts without having to write them down or say them out loud, #because i feel like i have to structure thoughts logically like into sentences with points and purposes, #but my brain just conglomerates everything together about him and it jumps from thought to memory to emotion to fantasy too fast, #to the point where trying to write it out coherently is impossible, #like what’s the point of relationships, #do i actually want to date him or do i love him strictly platonically, #would i actually be happy spending the rest of my life with him or am i only happy with the romanticized version of us i made in my head, #why do i overthink things that probably won’t come to fruition, #what would happen if we just went for it? would that be incredibly dumb with the way our lives are going?, #he’s my favorite person in the world and i think i do legitimately want to spend the rest of my life with him, #i want to do everything with him, #we talk on the phone constantly these days and it makes me feel so loved that he just wants to sit and tell me about his day, #and listen to me complain in real time and we just cook breakfast together and and and, #i just love him so much but so many things are holding me back and i just want my thoughts to be transparent, #so he could see how much he means to me and what a time i’ve been having with this
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@admiral-craymen replied to your post “i am a very bad person This is a post where I’m going to talk about a lot of stuff. I hope you’ll read it. First: I think…”

That’s not true, Frank. You’re a very nice and funny person.

Yeah, it is, and I’m glad.

But it is also a good example of the problem with the standard “not being a horrible person” line of thought – not only does it not work, it also doesn’t work.

I can, at times, be a total pain in the ass for an hour or two and then go on to be pretty good at things. But that has nothing to with my personality, which is just me being me. Being a total pain in the ass for an hour or two doesn’t mean I can’t do a single calculus problem later. Likewise, being bad at stuff and then being good at it doesn’t mean I’m a good person in the sense of not being a total pain in the ass for an hour or two.

(This may be more poorly explained than I think it is, but basically I just know what I’m like, and some people just don’t.)

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No one:

Me just over a week before the start of NaNoWriMo: should I write something completely different from what I’ve been planning to write for like 3 weeks now

#in my defence two things, #(and just to preface this; neither of these things are a good defence at all), #1. the girl i was talking to who just said ‘we have no romantic chemistry so have a nice life’ helped me brainstorm one of these, #so while i don’t think that’ll stop me from writing some version of it at some point that did kind of put me off, #like i don’t think i’m in a good space to write that particular novel right now. and i know she’d be horrified if she knew that, #but it’s not like i’m casting all my plans for it into the fire. i just don’t want to look at it or write it right now, #2. i had a dream about a different project and the aesthetic was just 💋👌🏻✨, #(that was my best attempt at conveying a chef’s kiss through emojis idk how well it translated), #but anyway it was also kind of a prophetic dream because i was holding the completed published novel in my hands and it was so good, #and it’s made me think like.. what if i just put those characters in a similar setting but in like the 1910s or 1930s, #(specifically i felt like it was the buildup to a world war so it would make sense if it were one of those), #i just like the idea of writing something dark and tragic idk, #and the only thing that’s really stopped me from putting those characters in an earlier time frame is that i thought one of their names, #was too modern, #but actually it’s been in use since the 19th century! we’re good to go!!!, #so yeah i think i’m going to completely change my plans for nanowrimo at the last minute as per usual, #listen. it wouldn’t be late october if i wasn’t frantically trying to pull a novel outline together, #while also juggling like 6 other responsibilities :)))), #personal
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