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#the consistency changed depending on emotion and getting less solid the happier he is
renthewerecatboi · 2 years
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did i create a deltarune oc who is a slime person who i planned on actually drawing at some point and telling u guys about but then i stalled on it for too long because i created way too much lore for their species and i really don't wanna wright it all down and i still barely know the MAIN lore of deltarune because i only entered the fandom recently and for some reason don't wanna watch a lets play on it or play it myself?!
yeah...
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4 April 2021
agh. the catholic guilt is sinking in. my dad told me to have a “nice dinner” tonight, and i’m doordashing wendy’s. i don’t know.
guilt with [001], too. maybe that’s not the right word. anxiety, certainly. but guilt too, in a weird way. 
i wrote a whole tangent, but, first, i should add some stuff about [002] in regard to [001]. i have complex feelings about her, and i don’t like that about myself. i’m not going to try too much to change some of those feelings, because i feel that they’re valid, to an extent. it’s okay to dislike the way you feel without wanting to change it, i think? sometimes i wish i could simply not feel anything. anyways, [002] added more pain to one of my deepest, most painful wounds, and that’s really hard for me to fully move on from when it was never addressed, even though she knew it had been bothering me. she simply didn’t care enough to do anything about it, and still doesn’t. i don’t dislike her. i have a lot of respect for her, actually. she and i are pretty different, which is part of where that respect comes from. i get along with her decently well, too, i think... most times. but i suppose jealousy is a factor, too. as much as i hate it. this part i would change, if i can. i’d like to get a better handle on managing it. [001] and [002] have a friendly dynamic, and they have a more of solid foundation than [001] and i do right now. i’m jealous of that. i’m jealous of their late night walk(s) around charleston. [001] and i haven’t gone on a walk like that. he hasn’t suggested anything like that, or anything besides lunches or hanging out at [003]’s house. i’m jealous of how they always manage to bring up past memories—a party i wasn’t invited to, another late night walk together, whatever—that they share that i’m not included in, even when i’ve heard some of them a multitude of times before. yes, [002], i know you were with [001] when he peed in those bushes. i’ve heard the story about five times now, every time we’ve passed by that short brick wall. congratulations! he took his dick out around you! i haven’t been afforded the luxury as of late. ugh, it’s just frustrating. and he always defends her whenever i air a specific grievance about her, rather than supporting me or even remaining neutral. not that he has to be on my side for everything because he’s my boyfriend now, but it does hurt. i feel like, whenever he comes to me with an issue about someone else, i try to be just as validating of how he’s feeling as i am of offering a different perspective and advice. i try to do that with anyone who talks to me about how they’re feeling, honestly. but, when i pointed out how much he defends her, he replied with “because she’s my friend.” I’M HIS GIRLFRIEND. do i hold less weight? i feel petty for writing it out, but it’s bothering me, so into the journal it goes.
anyways, back to [001]. after being being broken so many times by him, i really want to put in the effort to build a solid foundation for a relationship. i know we have some fundamental differences. i can be stubborn, mainly about my morals—those are really my only sense of self that i know of. i struggle with knowing who i am. i always have. and i’m stubborn about things that have hurt me before, when they haven’t been resolved. i have plenty of forgiveness to give, but only when it has been earned. lately, not many people have tried. i guess i’m not worth it.
it’s hard to build that foundation without the optimism of the “honeymoon phase,” or really, with much optimism at all. i know that have it. i don’t know if he does. he says he loves me and wants to be with me. he worries about the future, though, which is ironic, because he has so adamant about only focusing on day-to-day emotions. he said something about how he doesn’t know if we’re compatible for the long-term, since we’ve been arguing sometimes about things we talk about. some things that don’t even really matter, i guess. i wish we had a better foundation of just, trusting each other. but that’ll take time to build back up. it’s hard, because i’m still earning his trust, but i haven’t don’t anything to discount it, i don’t think. but, i think that, sometimes i’m so focused on making sure he’s feeling okay and just, on him that i neglect how i’m feeling. and it sneaks up on me: that i’m not feeling okay, sometimes: i mean, it’s only been a few days. but not much has changed from how we used to be. and i got hurt, then. i’m still looking for that, like, difference. it was supposed to be in effort, and in certainty. but the idea of a date seemed lackluster to him, and he expressed they he’s feeling uncertain about our compatibility. which is hard, hearing that right after we just officially started dating. i feel like i’m just now starting the journey with him after months of back-and-forth and on-and-off, and he’s still not sure about how he feels when he told me he was. like, i’m not a fan of the fact that we argue sometimes the way we do either, but i’d never look at it like a fundamental compatibility issue right away? more like, a dynamic thing, to talk about and resolve. but it felt like i had to convince him of that logic. 
is it too much to ask? to be loved? it feels like it, from the way things have worked out with past relationships, and the way this has been. it hurts. i love someone with everything i am—why can’t i get that in return? i don’t expect a perfect dynamic right away, especially after everything that happened with us, but i want so badly to make things better and happier and I CAN’T DO THAT IF HE DOESN’T WANT TO AND I NEVER KNOW WHAT HE WANTS. it’s so scary sometimes, because it just reminds me of the outright heartbreak that he brought me these past few months. there was so much uncertainty there. and now, i thought him saying he wanted to date was a commitment of really trying. and that he was going to make it up to me. and he has been sweet, but, like i said, i need something that shows me i can trust him. of course i want him to always be honest with me, but coming to me after just five days of officially dating with a statement of “i don’t know how long we’ll be together” and “we’re really different people; i don’t know how compatible we are in the long-term” and “i still don’t know if i should be in a relationship” is really really scary. he hasn’t done much to build up that trust that was broken besides provide physical affection, and adding stuff like this on top if it just feels... overwhelming, because there isn’t a solid foundation yet. the last quoted statement is the scariest, i think. he told me he was sure. that was my only condition to dating again: to let me know when he’s absolutely sure he wants to be with me. and i know it’s not his intention, but it makes me feel, almost, unworthy of love, i guess. so often, i’m feeling perfectly happy and normal and i’m loving on him, and i think i’m good to him? but he’s still questioning his decision. am i not enough? am i handling this wrong? i’m trying my best.
i’m going in circles about the whole thing at this point, honestly. sorry. i just love him a lot, and i hate the idea of losing him before we’re really tried a relationship and while we still love each other, and it’s so hard when there’s so much going on with him that i have no control over. he feels how he feels, and there’s only so much i can do about that. and it terrifies me, because he’s shut me out so many times. if he thinks we aren’t “compatible,” then what’s to stop him from keeping me out? i hate feeling like this, and saying these things about the person i’m so in love with. i hate that i even have to address things like this, because what if he hears how i’m feeling and decides that i’m right? that he wants to just shut me out again? essentially, my worst anxieties would be confirmed right before my eyes. it’s happened before, in the past, when we were struggling and i would ask him questions and he gave answers that upset me so much. i can’t bear that; i couldn’t. it destroyed me. i never want to feel like that again, but every time i think i’m out of the woods, it seems i’m right back in the thick of it. and i try offering solutions, but it depends on what he feels like; on what he can endure, right now. i’m sympathetic, of course, because i hate seeing strained and struggling. but it hurts, too, knowing that working on our relationship and going on dates and all of that is just... a second-tier priority. if he doesn’t have the energy for it, it simply won’t happen. of course, it’s been like this for a while. when he didn’t want to deal with stuff involving me, we just broke up when he decided so. and he’s saying that now will be different, but i’m still... waiting for the proof.
i really do hate myself for feeling this way. i don’t want to seem like i’m discounting his efforts, because i know it took a while before he could even get to the point of being ready to date, and i certainly cannot see every physical and mental effort he makes. i’m just consistently putting my heart in his hands, and it’s been broken so badly before. i don’t want to be scared anymore. i just want to be held, and to be told it’s gonna be okay. not that he’s questioning our compatibility. i want to be shown that everything is okay. that i’m safe with him. i have the confidence that he can do it. if he tries. if he wants to. i just want to be loved, and treated well. by him. because i love him, so much.
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gorogues · 3 years
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belphegor1982 replied to your text post: I am SO KEEPING THAT IMAGE, OH MY GOD (I giggled for five minutes straight XD Thank you!!)
It was a hilarious story -- Barry and Jay were thrilled to watch Batman spar with (and get beaten by) Wildcat.  Then Batman told them he’d seen them even though they were operating at super speed, and they looked so guilty :D
belphegor1982 replied to your text post: Y'know, imo the best villains (my favourites, anyway) are the ones the audience *cares* for, and those two definitely fit the bill. Loving the heck out of each other and being loyal and supportive and endearing? Check. Also bent on revenge via misguided blame game and unwilling to consider other ways to live happily? Check. *shakes head* I want them to be happy without killing anyone, dammit ;__;
Yeah, the two of them don't necessarily have the most healthy of goals, and in this case they definitely don't.  It seems pretty clear to me that death and Hell significantly traumatized and darkened Roscoe; he did admit that it was very traumatic, and he became much more of an a-hole after death.  And of course Lisa went totally off the deep end when he died, so it did her mental health no favours either.  If a time traveller was trying to keep both from making terrible decisions, the most useful change would be to prevent Roscoe from dying...they'd both be so much happier and more emotionally healthy people!  It's kind of surprising (and very endearing) that they were as functional and loving as they were at this time, considering both had a ton of emotional baggage.  And I'd think you'd start seeing humans differently once you've spent months or years as a disembodied phantom and know you're not really alive anymore, even if you pretend to be.  It'd be a very strange existence, and probably very lonely.
Spoilers for Flash #763 beyond this point!
villainapologist replied to your photo post: i haven't read this yet but omgggg look at axel he is not a fetus anymore!!!! :')))
Axel's experiencing what a lot of teens in comics get: a fluctuating age that goes up and down depending on the artist :>
one-rogue-army replied to your photo post: Alchemy's become a chemical compound. :) But seriously, the chin and hair color look more like Roscoe in "Flashpoint Paradox", and the orange and green on his upper half are more like Mirror Master's colors.
Heh, I like that!  And the costume colours are pretty odd; he's still got the quilted tunic, but yeah, it's like the colourist confused him with MM and it's jarring.  It could be a way to distinguish the Als if both do get brought into the story, but that seems an unlikely motivation.  And I guess FP Roscoe does have a reddish tinge to his hair, although I still perceive it as mostly brown.  Alvin's hair is distinctly red to me in this issue...though it must be noted that I've got terrible vision :]
one-rogue-army replied to your photo post: But that is a question: did the absorption of Alvin still take place in the Rebirth? Enough other details had changed (like Digger spending most of his career in Suicide Squad instead) that I'm not sure.
Yeah, it's hard to say what happened, so I hope the subject is addressed.  I believe pre-Flashpoint events are mostly supposed to be intact, but there are also some notable examples to the contrary (Digger and Owen are good ones) so it's not a given.  The thing is, Alvin or a red-headed Dr Alchemy occasionally showed up even after he was destroyed/absorbed, so even before Flashpoint things weren't consistent.  I've kind of wondered if the Stone re-created him a few times afterward or if it was purely an art error.
secondratevillain replied to your photo post: The idea of Axel ever being anything taller than 5'3" is absolutely hilarious to me - I'm gonna pretend he's used a hard light construct to pretend to be Barry's height for the lolz :
That could do it!  I'm sure it'd keep Barry utterly off-guard, at least if Axel can keep from snickering throughout :>
parkakingrolo replied to your photo post: Honestly, this is a James story in every way but name. If Barry didn't call him Axel and he didn't have the robo-arm, I'd assume it was James.
Oh yes, agreed.  The dialogue could have gone to either of them and he does physically look like James.  It makes a solid argument for never letting Axel genuinely age in the comics, because he'd probably grow into something similar to James and then there'd be few differences between them.  At that point there'd be no reason to keep both of them around, so either one would have to go/die or one would have to be significantly altered...which probably nobody wants to see.
belphegor1982 replied to your text post: I was a bit worried that Alvin would turn into The Thing That Wouldn't Leave! Thank goodness Rita's not having any nonsense like that :D
He certainly tried to!  I can imagine the humour potential of him living as a weird squatter in the basement and getting up to shenanigans, but she'd probably find it far less funny for obvious reasons :>
one-rogue-army replied to your text post: *applauds* Rita is just that powerful. :)
She is!  She's pretty tough from dealing with all the strangeness in her life, and Alvin's no match for her 💪
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