How would the Cullens act during karaoke? Assuming everyone's gotta sing something, yanno... to keep up appearances?
I mean, this could be something they do for funsies on their own. Now you just have me picturing Carlisle who has been dragged to a work karoke bar function and is awkwardly trying not to sing by his colleagues then pushed up there to sing "Uptown Girl".
This is a very headcanony question so the below is based entirely on nothing. Or at least, on very little. We never see the Cullens do karaoke.
Alice is completely into it but only ever sings catchy pop songs typically performed by female singers or all female bands. She thinks it's great fun.
Bella's horribly embarrassed and refuses to do it. She's mortified. If pressed, she'll try but is so mortified that even as a vampire it just comes out as squeaky mumbling. Edward assures her she sounded wonderful.
She knows she didn't and refuses to do it ever again. (Especially when Emmett laughs at her and uses it as his ring tone.)
I imagine he finds the whole karaoke thing a bit strange. He gets forced into it though and probably defaults to the same John Denver song every time.
(He did David Bowie once and it got too weird. He never did it again and the family never mentions it.)
Edward is above karaoke and finds it pedantic and stupid. Much like Christmas. He'll indulge the family if forced to and goes out of his way to show off how vast his musical knowledge is and force you to listen to his rendition of some artist he believes is niche and unlikely to be known by many.
You're listening to Edward do Linkin Park songs.
And telling him he did a great job.
Emmett gets so into it, too into it, and deliberately picks the worst songs. I imagine there's a lot of "Wake Me Up Before You Go Go!", "What's New Pussycat?", "Delilah", "I Will Survive" and basically every ridiculous karaoke number you can picture.
Doris Day. So much Doris Day. All Doris Day. I imagine a lot of "Que Sera".
Japser has no idea what he's doing, and he can't sing. Every attempt at karaoke is painful. Somehow, he's worse than Bella.
He ends up sticking to Neil Diamond songs as then he can sort of talk instead of sing.
Renesmee gets very into karaoke as it's a glimpse into the human world and is fascinating for it. As a result she picks the worst songs and weirdest fucking music as she has no idea what any of these songs are.
I imagine a lot of accidental Bollywood numbers are selected.
Rosalie does duets with Emmett and has herself a grand time.
Lots of "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
I know this is the wrong blog, but what if Ivan the wealth eating vampire hits the Voltura? What does Aro do?
Anon is aware that @therealvinelle and I are not the same person, that the latter wrote this post, and doesn't care. Anon is a honey badger.
Now that we've gotten the obligatory roasting of my anons out of the way, as a reminder, last time we met Ivan the wealth eating Bolshevik vampire who took offense to the Cullen's grandiose capitalist swine lifestyle. He cursed them with poverty.
And subsequently turned one-year-old Renesmee into an exploitive business owner and capitalist swine who pays her family less than minimum wage. As a result, he cursed them with even more poverty and went to Volterra to complain about it.
And that's where we left off.
Setting the Scene
Ivan Ivonovitch, turned in 1929 as an idealistic Bolshevik zealot who didn't stick around in the human world long enough to realize that the majority of his cherished party leaders also became stupidly wealthy and exploitive of the common worker and peasants.
He also thinks the vampire world has a system of government and that system is communist. Why? Well, he couldn't spot any workers or employers, so if there's no class struggle then... They won, right?
Aro, however, is not a Marxist.
The vampire world is neither capitalist nor communist nor mercantilist nor anything else because it involves people without human needs. There are no goods and there are no services, and what goods and services are required can be... donated to the vampires by their loving human compatriots.
Vampires don't make their own clothes: they steal them from victims. Vampires don't grow their own food: they pick them up off the street. Vampires rely on humans for things like the arts and entertainment, and that's if they care about such things.
Vampires are kind of like that college roommate you had who never does anything, certainly never pays anything, but shamelessly eats all of your food even if that food is semi-sweet chocolate chips used only for baking.
Except pretend that college roommate wants to eat you too. That's a vampire.
What vampires do get into competition over is food distribution. However, rather than barter and bargain for territory and food, they instead kill each other.
But back to the Volturi.
Aro hears about this from an irate Ivan Ivonovitch and--oh good lord.
Ivan is one of those few truly clueless vampires who, being a sole nomad, has somehow not heard of Renesmee the miracle child.
(Well, he put it together eventually, but assumed that Renesmee was the result of those classist bastards being the only ones who could afford to have a child and that the proletariat were being oppressed and not able or allowed to have children of their own.
... Considering the circumstances of Renesmee's birth and how vital the medically trained Carlisle Cullen and all the equipment they had to buy was, Ivan's not actually wrong there. Good work, Ivan, claps for you.)
What Ivan didn't know was that there was this whole, big, scandalous trial not too long ago in which the Volturi made asses of themselves, the Cullens were nearly murdered to a man, and Bella Swan proved she can topple the world order.
And now he's come to Volterra not to tell Aro that the Cullens have broken the law again but that they're... not being poor in the correct manner after he stole all their money.
Caius votes they should kill the Cullens anyway. Perhaps Ivan is right, they're capitalist swine and must die! And in being poor they're clearly toeing the line, as little Renesmee the mutant weed is being seen all over town when she's an inch taller one day to the next. It's very clear he's just using this as an excuse to murder them at all because this might be the best they get. However, Ivan doesn't know that.
Aro, however, both doesn't want to do this as he still hopes they can live peacefully together and that it need not end violently, and this would be a huge PR blow. The Volturi just got accused of being tyrants who make up charges to assassinate their enemies. They are now being presented a completely made-up charge which Ivan wants them to use to assassinate their enemies.
This will confirm every rumor circulating about them and could cause widespread rebellion even if Bella Swan does die because of it.
No me gusta, Aro says.
Aro instead tries to gently explain to Ivan that vampires have no nation states. Ivan is not taxed and in return he's not granted anything. The Volturi are not The Party, they do not redistribute wealth nor manage any kind of economy whatsoever, and all they do is kill you if you eat too many humans at a time.
Now, is that kind of a wealth redistribution? Sure, alright, we can call it that, but it's really not all that complicated and certainly nothing like an economic system or system of government.
The only currency the Volturi have is human blood and they're not shipping out babies to starving vampires in Siberia.
That was the worst answer Aro could have given.
Ivan, stunned, realizes that the Volturi are worse that capitalist dogs, they're even worse than the petty bourgeoise, they're old style nobility. They live in aristocracy, in wealth, and purposefully inact laws that are not for the good of the people but only to suppress them and ensure that their lavish lifestyles are secured.
Ivan Ivanovitch strikes Volterra down with poverty.
It's the last thing he ever does as Caius then immediately lights him on fire for the attack on Volterra (perhaps not quite traditional, but the intent was very clear there.)
The Broke Episode
Before we get into this, we have to get into how the Volturi were likely making money before this point. They're not playing the stock market like Alice, at least not directly, I imagine they have sizeable chunks of money in hedge funds.
They probably made their money from rent of Volterra (as they've been there longer than anyone else), occasionally pawning things from Aro's vast collection, and perhaps running a bank in the Middle Ages when Christians did not allow themselves to lend money.
This is money that has been built over a long time, through position of just being around long enough, and none of them have ever had to integrate into the human world to get a job.
Only Carlisle Cullen does that.
And now they're poor.
And this actually is a hindrance. Poverty means no jets means a longer amount of time to get from place to place, which makes enforcing the law that much harder. It also puts a kabash on Heidi's tourism scheme, meaning that undetected dinner gets that much harder.
Then there's the question of whether or not they can even afford the buildings and land they own anymore and if they have to leave Volterra... Not only is that a huge PR blow but where the fuck would they go?
First things first, Heidi's setting up a pyramid scheme. They'll go back to the fishing scheme they used before Heidi, picking up people to eat who are less likely to be noticed disappearing. Heidi will instead spend her time and efforts getting people to sell makeup and timeshares.
On the side she also runs Nigerian Prince scams.
Heidi, being very good at this sort of thing already with her tourism scheme, does very well for herself and does a shockingly good job at not getting caught.
(Heidi is in the green.)
Aro is forced to sell off parts of his collection. Devastated, and because Caius threatens to burn it if Aro doesn't complied, Aro gets rid of all of his paintings of Carlisle.
The market is suddenly flooded with priceless works by master artists, centuries old, of a very beautiful blonde man. It becomes a mystery of the art world, who was this model? Was it all the same person or was he a motif of some kind?
Hey, doesn't this doctor from Forks Washington, look eerily like this guy? (Luckily for Aro, the destitute Cullens have already been forced to become nomads thanks to Ivan's second attack against their money. Carlisle's already out of the human world.)
Aro still gets to keep much of his collection, but every painting, statue, book, item of furniture, and piece of jewelry he parts with is a thousand blows that makes it look as if the Volturi is truly weakened by this.
(Aro is in the green.)
Marcus is sent to actually run art courses and not lose all his students on the first day of class.
(Marcus is in the red.)
Demetri asks for donations from the vampire covens he visits who are still on friendly terms with the Volturi. Unfortunately, they're all destitute nomads who steal cellphones from their victims and have no idea how to use them.
Demetri gets a pile of stolen electronics and automobiles that he then has to sell off discretely to the humans. However, this isn't Demetri's forte, and so they all end up just piled up in Volterra for whenever Heidi gets a chance to tell them.
(She won't, she's busy catfishing.)
(Demetri is in the red.)
Caius doesn't really think this is a huge issue, they were poor nomads once before and were able to claim unwanted territory for themselves. If they have to move, then they'll just go off and build themselves a castle in some other bit of land that no one wants.
But it seems like everyone's set on this making money thing.
Caius suggests, if things get truly desperate, they can pretend to be Vandals and sack the wealthiest city in the wealthiest empire on the planet.
This is vetoed.
(Caius is in the red.)
Sulpicia has a vague awareness of what's going on, but she figures candles aren't that expensive and she'd be more of a burden than anything else if she tried to come up with something.
Everything will be fine; she'll just wait it out in the tower with Athenodora.
(Sulpicia is in the red.)
Fortunately, thanks to Aro sobbing and parting with his things and Heidi being disturbingly good at this, they actually do very well for themselves and much better than the Cullens did.
Within a shockingly small amount of time, the Volturi are able to break even and maintain their daily operations. The food bit is still very tricky but, er, maybe Heidi can get her catfish victims to give her all their money AND come to Volterra.
Cullen family incorrect quotes
Y/n: I'm not doing to well.
Carlisle: What's wrong?
Y/n : I have this headache that comes and goes.
*Edward enters the room*
Y/n : There it is again.
Y/n: I am a responsible adult!
Esme: *raises brow*
Y/n: I am an adult.
Edward: I asked Bella out.
Y/n: Oh, I’m sorry.
Y/n: Well, I assume she said no.
Edward: No, she said yes.
Y/n: Really? Then I’m sorry for her
*Y/n is casually searching around the room*
Esme: Hey Y/n, what’re you looking for?
Y/n: My will to live.
*Alice walks into the room*
Y/n: Oh, there it is.
Emmet: Hey, I dare you guys to dare us to make out.
Edward: Hey Emmett, you know that’s a mirror, right?
Edward: Hello all, it is I, your favorite kid
Carlisle : Actually, y/n is my favourite.
Edward: Okay then, it is I, that bitch.
[Thank you for 300 followers!!]