#the day just started so im tired. throughout today ill kinda think this over of who to ask hehe | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

karasumajo · 3 years

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I read through the old messages with my last favorite person.

I never realized how easily I would bend to his word and needs 😅 or just how much affection and care I'd give to him. At the time I guess I wouldn't have, I use to react purely on emotions and feelings without a thought.

I guess if makes sense that my ex didn't like him, but I would still talk to him and make time and do my best to always be there for him. Now, looking back,I guess I could see why my ex boyfriend felt the threat from him. But it was purely just friendship.

I guess I liked having someone to care about and who depended on my being there for them.

There was a conversation I saw between him and I

Him: "Are you awake?"

Me: "of course, what's up?"

Him: "I just really need someone. I'm feeling anxious, sad, I can't sleep."

Me: " :( I'm always here ____♡ it's okay. Do you want to talk on the phone? Want to come over? Want foods?"

Him: "idk, I guess not being alone would be nice, ill head over."

Me: "okay, I'll make something to eat! We can sit outside and eat! See you soon ♡"

It was like 2am. I remember that day was a terrible day at work but I wanted to be there for him lol. But it was always that way when he didn't want to be alone, and I always made myself available to him.

We even had a conversation once where he proposed that if when we are older and single, perhaps we can just have some kind of FWB relationship 😅 and I just...agreed. like I didn't even factor in how that might effect me.

Anyway, what hurt me to read was when I realized I was begging him to talk to me. I mean I don't blame him, his relationship would obviously be more important than me and also I guess having me as a friend was a liability. But I did my best to keep boundaries for him and his gf. I just wanted him to talk to me at least.

But then, one day, he said something....so ...stupid lol

We had gone to the mall together as we usually did, and his gf called, asked what he was up To.

He told her.. "I'm at the mall with my ex."

.......

Not (my name here). Not "my best friend". Not even just "my friend". MY EX. WHO TF SAYS THAT ???

So I guess she obviously was unhappy and he goes to take the call privately. I started feeling anxious and like I'm doing something wrong... 😅 when he came back I asked if that's all he sees me as? His ex? And he said Well you are, you're my ex girlfriend after all, im not going to lie to her.

I said but ____ ...I'm you're friend... 😅. And he said Yeah, but we dated. You're my ex.

So here we are at the mall, I just bought him all these gifts because yknow I'm a dumb bitch, and he's just there calling me his ex and nonchalantly... 😅

That's where things went downhill.

His girlfriend hated me. My existence. I guess rightfully so...but she never would tell him to get shit together, she would come after me about it with messages and phone calls...it was stressful lol.

Then when I thought things were fine, everything finally was hashed out, I still have my fp, his gf is actually cool, she's my new friend. Everything is fine

He blocked me.

He didn't just block me, but basically erased my existence from his life.

Couldn't text or call him. Couldn't DM him. Couldn't send him a fb message. Literally nothing.

His brother told me he got rid of all the paintings I made for him. All the gifts.

He deleted me.

And I just... didn't exist anymore.

I panicked. I got scared and I got anxious and I tried what I could to just get a word out of him, something. Just tell me WHY?????? lol..like why just shut me out, in like the most random and hurtful way possible? After everything, don't I at least deserve a heads up? An explanation? Idk, something? Fucking smoke signals? A letter? An email?????

That was it. He just deleted me. My last message to him I left on IG was

"____ I'm not even angry at this point. Just please tell me what I did wrong now? Please just tell me what happened? I'm sorry if I hurt you or if I hurt ______ in anyway...Just don't shut me out like this please. Whatever your reasons are at this point okay fine but just please tell me why and what I did. I just need to at least know.."

I got no reply back and that was the last message.

For the next following days, weeks, months. I guess I went through withdrawal of not talking to him everyday 😅 not having that friendship. I was depressed, crying all the time, anxiety would rise and fall throughout the day dramatically. I'd anxiously look at my phone hoping he'd replied. But I never got anything.

I missed him.

After some time, another person we knew told me that he was talking about me at his job. At first I thought "oh? Maybe he's thinking of talking to me again?"

But no.

He talked about what a shit friend I was. How I never showed care. How I apparently was always such a bitch and didn't know how to just chill out. How I was always so intense and my favorite "she's a mess".

He read my message, and told everyone he didn't bother replying because "how can she not see how she's a lot".

😅

So naturally, I emailed him 😂.

I told him how much I hated him, how he's a piece of shit, how dare he call me a bad friend. I told him what a little bitch he is and how I wanted to beat his face in and to stay the fuck away from me forever.

Yknow, all that good stuff...

I mean clearly, yeah, I'm a mess. But I wasn't a bad friend. That much I knew, but it didn't matter. The thoughts ate me up. The worry and overthinking had a field day in my head. The constant thought of "you see how you're so much you just fuck shit up? Why can't you just be normal?"

He made me question my own sanity, my love, the way I am. Am I really innocent? What if he's right? What I even fooled myself into thinking I'm good but really, what if I'm just so evil that I'm good at manipulating others into believing I'm good?

I still wonder that tho, I live in constant doubt of myself and my own intentions, I wonder if I'll ever be able to just be me and not feel like I constantly need to validate and confirm my own emotions and feelings accordingly. It's tiring and now I don't even know how to just react without thinking about my reactions first.

Today he tried pretending non of that happened. Like he never had anything to do with the way I am now. He smiled, he joked, he talked to me, he tried hugging me. He took me to Chipotle to get lunch. Then he asked me about how I've been and how I've been dealing with my anxiety. Because he worried.....

LOL EX-FUCKING-SCUSE ME SIR???????

Needless to say I went off and told him how we are just coworkers and he lost the right to ask that question forever ago.

Still, the fucked up part is, I still miss him. 🙄 ew.

I don't even know why I'm writing all this. Maybe Because writing it makes it so that it's out of my head and here. Maybe a small part of me felt happy today because small moments felt like the old days. With his dumb jokes and always finding ways to make me laugh and smile.

Mostly I guess to remind myself why I can't let myself be swayed back in a friendship with someone like him. Because I know that if I did, it would just end the same and I would have played myself again.

Womp, well that was a lot 😅 im gonna go back to sleep now, this kinda helped I guess.

Sorry for the long rant and shit 😅 goodnight nobody and everybody!

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plaidshirtjimkirk · 4 years

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i wish i had an awesome list of things i wrote in 2019, but there’s none to speak of. i probably hit 30k max or so. but i wanna talk about writing anyway. this is longgggg, sorry.

i have been and ever shall be a ridiculously passionate person. when i love something, i really really *really* love it. it takes over everything. it’s all i think about. i’ve always been this way. i had all of one friend when i was a child and i met her in preschool. we met up recently and she started naming all these series and characters i was obsessed with since i was 4. LOL the thing is, like... no one else liked these things, so she had to deal with me infodumping and reading my crappy fanfiction to her from elementary to middle school. (the fact that she still talks to me amazes me.)

my relationship with writing is complicated and im finally understanding why.

i started out with self insert stories when i was super young because there weren’t any other kids around besides my one awesome friend. i never felt lonely though because i had my stories.

i loved fictional characters. i self shipped. this led me to roleplaying. i found someone who was writing as a character i adored. we wrote together and then started dating. that was my first SO. not knowing any better, i remained in an abusive relationship for 7 years. my stories were my comfort and i can honestly say that writing saved my life. there’s a good ending to this situation. one day, i experienced a breath of fresh air and finally took the trash out.

i dabbled in drawing comics for a bit as i worked hard at my job. i met someone worth my love and effort. we loved each other so much that we maintained a relationship while living on opposite ends of the planet. as you can imagine, that was pretty lonely. writing helped me through it. i met some amazing people to write with during this time, including my bff @suitablyaggrieved.

the fandom we were in then was filled with toxic people however. my having an oc didn’t help things so i had to deal with harassment, even when i was minding my own damn business. got tired of that, took down my writing, and barely wrote a thing for about 3 years.

when i fell hard into trek, i decided i wanted to give fandom one more shot. i wanted to be in a community that loved the same things i did and figured it was worth the effort of trying. tbh i feel very lucky that my return to fandom was trek because yall are seriously some of the nicest people ever.

when i started this blog, i was just some rude dipshit who didn’t really think about the weight of my words. i said mean things but i didn’t care. it was whatever because it was my blog and i had 30 followers. the follower count grew though at some point, i thought about why i tested the waters of coming back to fandom and how grateful i was to splash land back in one like trek. i realized i wasn’t being the kind of person i wanted to be. i’m still a dipshit, just less rude now.

but the thing is that trek got me into writing again. and when i started, i felt like there were no limits. i wrote and wrote and wrote. i was telling stories about some things i’d been through and using characters as proxies. it was an interesting experience. i never wanted to stop...made me feel like i was doing something constructive when drama was going on in my work life.

everything was ok though because i had my words.............and then chronic illness caught up with me.

writing made me happy because i saw myself putting out lots of stories. but when it came to the point where i couldn’t write as much as i used to because i was in too much pain to even get out of bed, it started making me feel really depressed.

the truth is that i don’t have confidence in my work. i never did. i probably never will. it sucks when you spend all this time working on something, just to end up hating it. and with being the passionate person i am, the lower word count had me feeling like a complete failure. all or nothing. consistency or nothing. i know this is unhealthy. i also would never think anyone else was a failure for not writing as much. it was just...i had all these personal goals i wasn’t meeting.

at some point, i started feeling as though i couldn’t write ks anymore. there were a couple reasons for that but the main one was losing consistency. i didn’t feel like my work was ever anything special, but at least i was feeling productive. when that went out the window, i kinda looked back at all these words i put out and didn’t feel good about them.

i started writing for small pairings where the fandom was literally all of 2 people. i thought that maybe i could just post stories for a tiny audience, or even just for my own sake, and maybe being so worried about quality wouldn’t be such a big deal. i was kidding myself though. ofc it was. and it just made me feel worse about my writing. i didn’t know how to make it fun. instead of being pumped to start something new, all i could think about was how i’d suffer to put whatever story i was thinking of together and just end up hating. it felt like so much wasted effort.

i met some awesome new friends who encouraged me to make an oc again. it took such a long time but i did and i spent a few months privately posting fics about all of our ocs interacting. writing was slowly becoming fun again.

and that brings me to where i am today. i realize it’s been a crutch for me throughout life. i could throw myself into it, throw myself into stories that others wrote. with less energy to go around because of being in pain frequently, the amount i could do reduced drastically. i’m still trying to figure out how to cope with that, and how to not put so much pressure on myself to where i get stuck in an endless loop of self hating.

still, writing saved me. even though things got really complicated, im glad i had the experience of doing it and even though it sometimes stresses me the hell out, i want to keep at it...figure out how the same thing that helped me so many times before can do so again.

i’m not sure i can ever figure the confidence/self love thing out, but i think i can try to make words my friends again. people outside of fandom don’t get it and i guess i can’t blame them if they don’t have the experience. they think ff is some frivolous activity that has no merit, no quality, no bearing on anything. but it does on franchise, community, and individual levels.

anyway, sending good vibes to every content creator out there. let’s hang in there through the great times and bad. <3

#just plaid shirt things #the struggle is real #long post

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alicezan-ncgred · 5 years

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Bleeding Red

Preface: I’ve been bitching around the bush of this long enough. So, I’ve been really silent on a bunch of stuff that’s been eating me alive which has made me both inactive and unproductive. I’m going to get straight to the point, starting off with the TL:DR from my post on my main blog. Context: An anon asked me if I was alright because I hadn’t updated in a while.

TL:DR You probably didn’t ask this to hear about all the bad shit of my life so here’s the short of it. No, I’m not doing fine. I will try get next weeks post out on time and I’ll work on making up on the lost posts. Updates will return regularly, ‘ite.

Time for the thick and thin of it.

Insecurity and being shafted: I’m stoic, even at my worst I won’t say anything. I’ll push through regardless of my current condition and since I’ve gone years like this, it’s not hard for me to do. In my real life situation, I’m currently in a place of social isolation. This has lead to a somewhat near reliance on Tumblr to be my social outlet. This present many issues.

The main one is that I’m quite the isolationist. This has only been reinforced by many interactions throughout the entirely of my life. Because of this, I can’t say I’ve ever had anything really more than two friends at a time. While in a way this has helped me express myself so well through writing, it’s come at the cost of social skill. I don’t talk to anyone.

With this kind of issue you could easily imagine that the THREE PEOPLE (four now, but very limited) to ever directly talk ended up in a way shafting me. The first blocked and disconnected with me without warning or reason. At this point we’ve been talking to each for about a month and we hit it off very well and then one day, silence. Never heard from them again. That fucked me up hard when I finally realized what happened.

The second person left during the Tumblr P**n Purge. We were talking about how to contact each other on other platforms and then they stopped responding. I had already given contact to other platforms of which they pinged me in any way. Another person that I trusted massively on here just abandoned me and I’m still hurting from that. Wasn’t fair at all.

Then the third person was someone that I been following for a while. This person is actually the reason that I’ve been putting this off for so long. I don’t want them to see this post but they will. I got an ask from them that ultimately turned out to be misinformation. I said I wasn’t mad but I was. I was so fucking angry about it and I’m still kinda mad, but I didn’t want problems. I still don’t. I just didn’t want them to worry about it. This will come back later.

I try my best to be as inoffensive as possible. The problem with that is that much of the things I believe or enjoy are highly divisive. Hell, even my own identity can be seen as offence. I’m bisexual, non-binary (I’m currently still questioning this. I might actually be gender fluid but in the overall scheme, that’s worse than being non-binary), and nonreligious. I’m in a very religious area so you I’m still “in the closet” about much of this IRL. I though it would better online but with how much people are saying bisexuality doesn’t exist, or that non-binary isn’t a valid gender (or that being gender fluid make you insane and you should be locked up) and all the hate people who say they are this are getting, the very community that’s supposed to accept me, HATES me. I had a bi pride flag icon last year during Pride Month. I never doing that ever again. It was terrible.

I’m trying my best to come out of my shell like I said I would when I made this blog but it seems I’m just crawling further into it. People I think I can trust keep setting me up to fall, people I know in real life won’t ever accept my existence if they knew who I really was, and my own mental health problem and self loathing are eating me alive. But that isn’t the total of it.

Crumbling Pillar: I’ve always ended up in the position where things were thrown onto me. In which no one wanted to do, I was stuck with. Because of this not only do I have a severe distaste being around my family (beyond everything mentioned before hand) but I grew to have a negative out look on everything. This effect is still quite obvious in my writings, especially my poems. Out of the 14 poems on my poem blog @washed-soul, only one has a happy meaning.

The one happy poem was called dreams. Under a metaphor it talks about how a demon kept me trapped in a dark space. I start to get better and nearly break free before I have a negative relapse back to my old ways. The poems ends with the demon putting a end to itself leaving the nightmare in which it was keeping me in to slowly fade away, letting one crack of light peeking through to become a window to a door until one day I walk free. When writing this poem, I never thought I would find myself rebuilding the nightmare but that’s where I am.

I’m done with holding things together that other people have placed onto me. Because of this, issues have began showing in my private life. Issues that should’ve been solved decades ago are only now being addressed. This change in the status quo of my life has caused many issues in my productive and mood. Between everything else I’m too tired to do anything.

Is that a reason, is that an excuse. No it isn’t but it’s the best thing I got as a reason. I’m doing my damnedest to do the best I can but of course, when it comes to the thing that matter I just fall short. Big fucking whopha my intelligence and capability does me if I can’t use it for anything that means a damn.

Meaningless Triviality: I’m a very emotional person. I’m very strongly bound to my emotions and if everything above hasn’t given it away, my emotions are very negative prone. But it just doesn’t stop there, it goes back into my memories. I can only honestly place 3 happy memories for certain that aren’t either A) a dream or B) me escaping reality through my mind. Besides that, almost all my memories are negative.

People like to throw around the word Nihilist to describe themselves because today's culture is very, god while I hate to use this word, edgy. For those who don’t know a Nihilist is someone who views the world as being completely meaningless and reject all religious and moral principles. I very truly struggle with this outlook of life. It’s a daily for me to berate myself saying “just kill yourself” or “I want to die” or just shutting down and crumpling up while say “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry” over and over again. Hell, I did that while writing this.

I take things very hard, even the slightest transgression. I’m so used to trying to make things perfect and because people have the image that I’m the smart one, the mature one, the capable one, I’m left with the over hanging expectation of excellence. Almost no room for margin of error or being human. Since I’m the silent type, I put up no challenge and work to meet it. Only time I get any praise for anything too.

I guess as a little self promotion to my main blog, for those that have read the very first few updates of my main blog @the-truth-behind-redacted, or read Defiance’s character sheet, while The Machine and Defiance are separate character, they both share the name Machine. That in part is a reflect of said above expectation. How ravenous and inhuman it can be all under the guise of something human. Those characters are the two sides to the same coin.

Remember how I said I try to be un-problematical and how I try to avoid any potential conflict. In the first segment I told on how I lied about my feelings just so another person didn’t have to worry over something that honestly, in hindsight, wasn’t even really a big deal. But I also said how it consumed me in anger. I just don’t want to bother anyone over anything. It’s part of the reason why I am writing this post, as some way of a self enforced rehab program to get better.

This absolute consumption of negative emotion has pushed me into a non human state before. I hit a point of absolute mental exhaustion and in such a self enforced bubble of actual hatred I became completely apathetic. I felt numb to everything. I watched and heard of terrible things happening to people, and felt nothing. I watched people lives crumble before them leaving them nowhere to go and LAUGHED. “Just another worthless pathetic worm on this rotting carcass of a planet being hit with the hard reality that life doesn’t care for them. What whimsical pathetic bullshit they deluded themselves with to think otherwise.” This isn’t an exaggeration on how I thought, this is what I actually thought. Which brings me too.

The Mandatory Sob Story: Roll your eyes everyone and get the tiny violin. I guess in order for everyone to exactly understand the place I’m coming from when it comes to mental health I’ll have to detail my experiences. I have a long standing history with mental illness. I have professionally diagnosed OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, and visual and auditory hallucinations. I take 600 mg of Seroquel a day as well as Amitriptyline when needed. I’m also still currently in therapy to deal with said OCD, Bipolarism, Anxiety, Chronic Depression, the visual and auditory hallucinations, as well as Suicidal thoughts, and my Nihilism. There’s a reason to why I’m so god damn familiar with mental illness and treatment plans.

OCD and Bipolarism run in my family on my fathers side. My Father’s Father had them, my Sister has them, my brother most likely has them (however he refuses to see a doctor because he uses said possible mental illnesses as a get out of jail free card. He doesn’t want to be treated and he has FUCKING ADMITTED IT), my father has them, and I have them. I, however, have the misfortune of having it real bad. I said yes to well over half of all the total symptoms when I was being tested (I don’t remember exact numbers but I remember there being three pages worth of common symptoms) which was very worrying to the doctor. I was currently in an inpatient hospitalization program at the time for both suicidal thoughts and actions, and severe depression.

On that, my graze in with suicide. Before I went into my first inpatient program I was contemplating suicide. I was sat in front of a mirror with a bottle of over the counter medication. It was an unopened bottle of ibuprofen, 1000 200mg tables. What I planed to do was down the whole bottle with benadryl and die in my sleep. I had the small box of benadryl got from the Kroger pharmacy and a hand full of ibuprofen poured out looking directly into the mirror. My suicide note was sitting on the desk on my room with an online copy on my laptop open.

I sat there for an hour in the dead of midnight complicating my life. I had lost all hope in the world, filled with hatred, anger, pain, and despair. I had no god or after life to look forward too, part way hoping that a Hell existed for me to burn in. I hated myself that much. I was close to taking the first handful before before I caught a glimpse of my own eyes in the mirror. In what was in a weird sudden epiphany I realized that I truly did become what I hated but not for any reason I told myself. I became the very bastion of negativity I sought to fight and rid of in what little friends I did have. That was what set off my path to recovery in spite of the medical system. I guess if people care I’ll make a separate post on that.

Before I move on, I feel I should explain my history with the visual and auditory hallucinations. It should be no surprise that with everything else above, I also had extreme paranoia that led to me having very bad insomnia. Insomnia is, just like most other medical disorders like Depression, Self-harm, Anxiety, OCD, Bipolarism, is romanticized to hell. Insomnia isn’t having one nights bad sleep where you got 5 hours of sleep instead of 8.

You know what Insomnia is? insomnia is being physical incapable of sleeping despite not sleeping in 2 to 3 day while your body suffers massive agony brought on by this. Muscle spasms and seizing, difficulty breathing, your eyes feeling like fire ants are eating them, and of course visual and auditory hallucinations. Now I already had issues with visual and auditory hallucinations even when I could get sleep regularly but the combined effects of my OCD and Bipolarism made this perfect condition of Insomnia, Anxiety, Paranoia, with the already added in disposition to hallucinations and I felt like I was actually losing my mind.

My hallucinations presented themselves in three forms. Disassociation of reality, night terrors, or alterations of reality. Disassociation of reality often were complete black out moments. I would lose any perceived connect to reality and enter an episode of my mind. I can’t remember what they actually were but I do remember what it felt like. Cold sweats, anxiety to point where if I didn’t lock up I would vomit, actual physical pain, mind numbing fear, and intense fatigue.

The second were night terrors often in the form of horrific “things.” I do remember these and most of them were as best as I could describe, forms of things that were vaguely human and formations of industrial machinery. The most vivid one I remember was of a long lengthy apparition that was for the most part human but many locations of it’s impossible physiology were rebar beams and mechanical sockets. It began when I was about to fall asleep and it was next to my window. The thing was making week groaning and gasping sounds before it violently slammed against my window breaking it then letting out a horrific howl that I can’t describe as it tossed itself out followed shorty after with the sound of bones breaking against the dirt.

Now that might not seem so bad, exspecally with everything that is in horror movies or games now, but keep in mind that was fucking real to me. It was as real as the clicking of the keys of my keyboard as I’m writing this. As real as the chair I’m sitting in and as real as the wall in front of me. As far as my mind was concerned that thing, what ever it was, actually existed. It took me physical touching my window to make sure it wasn’t actually broken and checking outside to see if there wasn’t a body there. This isn’t the type of thing I talk about lightly.

Finally there is the alteration of reality. This is very simply but it’s something that fucked with me hard. For very little meaning or warning, I would have trouble interpreting the world around me. My hearing and sight would be warped and there wasn’t any real way to tell what I was hearing or seeing was real or not until the episode was over. The way I got through these was the ultimate fake it till you make it. Obviously, very often I failed and this created issue in my schooling.

Ending Message: I’ve been in a very bad state for a while now and as it is now, no signs of getting better. I also strongly believe my medications are being to fail me which I’ve been telling my doctor and therapist for over a year now but nothing’s been done. Mainly it’s my Depression but insomnia episodes are beginning and my own paranoia been on the rise. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even look at a creepy image or thumbnail without having a very bad episode.

I’ve managed to eat something today which was nice but my body is cramping hard. And to possible stave of a possible comment, I’m biologically male. Like I said I’m not in the best head space, or living for that matter. If this gets better, only time will tell.

#Long post #tw: suicide #TW: Depression #Trigger Warning #TW #OCD #Anxiety #Chronic Depression #Bipolar Disorder #Bipolar #Mental Health #My mental health

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c0co-cos · 6 years

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Blue's Highest Rank

I felt horrible because I wrote someone else a story, but I didn't write @nozapuns-nsfw a story. So i'd like to award this Fan Fic to them. I absolutely love their artwork, and I hope they continue to work of their 'Fractured comic'

I love how listening to a song can completely change my idea for this story. It was first gonna be a full story and all, but throughout downloading music on my phone for a trip im taking, I found a gem.

The gem was "Oh Cruel Darkness, Embrace Me" by IAMX

So basically that's the song you should listen to while reading this.

Summary: Blue Berry was the best of the best. He was quickly going up the ranks to become part of the Royal Guard. That changed when Blue was introduced to Alphys and Undyne.

Tags:

Chapter 1: Oh Cruel Darkness, Embrace Me

Blue Berry was quickly working up the ranks. He started on the lowest of the low. Then he met Alphys, and thank lord he did. He was training with her, Every. Single. Day. He didn't really have any prior interactions with Alphys, but out of luck, they bonded quickly and things got straight to the point.

He had liked his time spent with Alphys, there was never a dull moment, Also he never knew what he was going to do during training. It always changed. It went to dodging attacks one day, to making Tacos in her kitchen the next. There was always something new to learn.

Blue wasn't sure when he met Undyne, but he knew Papyrus was friends with her. Papyrus didn't really get out the house much to hang out with anyone. Only time he went out was when he planned to get black out drunk at Muffets, but other than that, he found Papyrus going to Undyne's lab at random times during the night. He must have had a good reason to get up and go though. It wouldn't have been for nothing.

To Blues surprise, Papyrus actually knew Alphys. They had been friends before Undyne met Alphys. It always amazed Blue how almost everyone knew everyone in the underground.

Id it wasn't for Papyrus, he wouldn't know half the people he knows now. Papyrus was amazing. If it wasnt for him, Blue wouldn't have a room to sleep in nor have supplies to make food, even though Papyrus was mostly a lazy bum, he was Blue's lazy bum brother.

"Hey Alphys! Im here for today's training!" Blue couldn't wait for today's training, Alphys had something new in store, and laster on, Papy was going to come over and view their hard work.

Alphys jumped at the sudden loud voice coming outside her house. She had invited Blue earlier than usual, it wasn't something new shes done, but today she had a reason, and pulling it off wasn't going to be easy.

"Woah Blue, you scared me! Come on in, I gotta prepare the rest of the supplies."

Blue had already let himself in with the Key she leaves under the door mat.

"Wow Alphys, this place looks better and better each time we cook! With that being said, what are we making today? More tacos?"

"No, something better. Lets look at the menu."

Blue grabbed the piece of paper with the big letters on it spelling out 'MENU'. It had also been something Alphys did to tease Blue right before they started cooking. It was always Tacos, but he kept up the running gag, just for the giggles of it.

He unfolded it, revealing what they were going to make today. He eyes shrunk with fear.

"Today were making you.... Alphys this isnt funny you know!"

He saw Alphys out of the corner of his eye, he could see bright yellow magic coming off from her magically formed weapon. She loved using an axe. He quickly moved out the way, also using his bone attack to dodge it. He moved just in time, any second later, he would have been dust.

"Ha, nice Blue! You're getting better and quicker with each attack I throw your way. Sorry about my lil joke there, had to do something to get you distracted."

Blue's heart was pounding out of his chest. He knew at one point furing todays training, this would happen. Alphys said she does this to make him become aware of his surrounding at all times, but it still scared him shitless. Alphys could tell that Blue was very shook.

"Oh gosh, im sorry Blue. I should have done it while we were actually cooking. I won't do it again, I swear, just sit down at the table and ill make you some tea."

Blue dis just that. It was great to know Alphys didn't mean any harm, she never does. It was just a small scare, nothing else right?

"Here your tea Blue, again im sorry I did that. I wrote it for the fuck of it, then the idea came to mind where i can do the daily 'scare blue' skit, but it back fired. I truly am sorry Blue."

"No worries Alph. I know its a joke, I just need to stop being a big cry baby about it. Also thanks for the tea. But it's um.. Kinda sweeter than usual. What happened to 'my soul is black so my coffee and tea have to be the same'?"

"Oh actually its a different type of tea. Undyne gave it to me to try, and right now i can try it. But Blue, lets actually talk about the Guard. You kno--"

Blue couldn't think straight. He felt as if his whole world was spinning. He didn't like it, not one bit. Was it because of how scared he got earlier? Was he having a panic attack? He wouldn't know. He never had one before.

"Hey Alph. Im sorry but i think I got to cut th-this short. Sorry, it was uhh fun?" Blue was breaking a sweat by now. Maybe he was actually having a panic attack? Also what would he do about ? Papyrus wasn't home yet, and the way he was feeling, he wasn't getting home like this.

Blue looked up at Alphys. Her straight face had been completely gone, covered with a huge grin, starting from one side of her face to the other side. Blue was expecting her to look more freaked out like she had been when she had accidentally hurt him during training, but she stood absolutely still, giving Blue a horrid feeling.

"Oh please blue, what's wrong? Here, if you insist on leaving, let me carry you out the door." she said while walking towards his area. Blue was too freaked out by her fake response. It had seemed practiced, meaning she knew something he didn't.

Blue hesitated, backing away slowly from her, before bolting to the door. Even with how he was feeling, he could sense the danger. He didn't even make it anywhere close to the door, falling down after taking a couple of steps towards the direction. He couldn't move, and felt horribly tired.

For good measures, Alphys pinned him to the floor, magical axes surrounding him and the exit, if he planned to leave.

"Alphys? Why? What and why are you d-doing this? I'm sc-scared. Please, if I did anything to hurt you, l-l-let me know. I'll fix it just plea--" Blue had been cut off after he felt Alphys step on his ribcage. It hurt like hell, but he could take it.

"Honestly Sans, I'm sick and tired of you. Im doing this for myself, im just the message man at the point. But other than that, I can't stand you. Did you really think you, out of ALL monsters in the underground, you would be the same rank as me? There are kids, younger than you who have an actual chance of being in the Royal Guard. Sorry blue, you wont get the rank you want. But hopefully, this rank suits you and your lazy ass brother."

By this time, Blue had been trying to pull her leg off his ribcage. She was close to breaking it, and he would rather have a ribcage than none at all.

"OKAY OKAY OKAY G-GET YOUR LEG OFF!" Blue was struggling at this point. She was going to break it. He didn't want to die by getting stepped on, he was going to die in battle protecting everyone in the underground.

Alphys showed mercy, slowly lifting her leg off of his ribcage.

"This is how it's going to work okay Blue? I'm going to knock you out, don't worry, the most that would happen is you get a bruise, and I'll call Papy. You'll find everything out later. Goodnight Blue! Don't let the bed bugs bit."

Alphys couldn't really be doing this... It was a dream. He had to be. She would never harm him. At this point, hopefully Alphys knocking him out will cause him to wake up from this Nightmare.

Alphys came up to Blue, fist closed, ready to come in contact with his skull. It wasn't long before Blue actually knocked out.

Lucky for Alphys, the tea did most of the work, all she had to do was get him asleep. All she had to do now was call Papyrus and get him to teleport over to Undyne's lab.

Talking to people over the phone wasn't the easiest thing to do for her, but hey. She lied to Blue for most of tome they've known each other, so it shouldn't be harder over the phone.

"Pa-Papyrus? Oh thank god! Please come over quick! Its ! H-He fell and hit his head on the table! Come quick!"

Lucky for her, She didn't really have to give much detail regarding where she lived. Sometimes Papyrus would walk Blue home after practice, so he knew the way here. In seconds, a 'pop' noise came from inside her restroom.

"where is blue? oh my gosh... what happened?"

"I- I don't know! We were about to make Tacos, and he fell! Please take us to Undyne's lab, Im certain she knows what to do! S-she'll help!"

Papyrus didn't even have to think twice, he picked blue from off the floor, and teleported right into the lab.

Undyne was no where to been seen, and as the looks of it, so was Alphys. That's strange. Alphys was right next to him as he teleported.

"UNDYNE. NOW." Papyrus heard Alphys scream.He couldn't even turn his head before he passed out from whatever they did to him.

Him and blue were up for it when they woke up.

The story is also on my AO3, at @/sintaley if you would like to read it there :)

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meitanreax · 4 years

Text

day 6

hey bebs!!! we’re almost at the halfway mark!!! we can do it!!!!! keep on going and stay strong!! thanks for calling me so much this afternoon/the previous night too!!! and our upcoming call in the morning too ^.^ OUR COMM IS STILL SO CUTE I CANT GET OVER IT!!!! im a big fan <3 it blew up on twitter too surprisingly, it has like 25 rt’s and like 200 likes LOL our comm is one of the artist’s more liked posts!!!

i really appreciate and love how well this is going!! we’ve grown a lot since the last time and we keep on growing everytime we’re apart!! im rlly glad!! we learn a lot from our mistakes & the past and im glad looking forward :D thanks for making this work baby!! i know 16-17 hours is tough but we’re literally almost at halfway point!!!!!!! we got this hehe i love and miss you so much! sorry i dont think ive been saying it that much or been making it super clear but i rlly do!!

hehe

today was a relatively chill day!! just woke up around 8 cuz of the KARAOKE THOTS...theyre literally still going rn and it’s 9 pm LFMLDKJFLDKJF please help me TT_TT

AND THEN i just stayed in bed til like 12 on my phone/laptop n shtuff! :3 i was only able to sleep for 5 hours cuz of the dumb karaoke stupid thots...sigh i am so LOL

but yeah!! i just chilled and then i ate breakfast/brunch downstairs and then napped for like 1.5 hours before i called u! o:

i literally just was watching videos, catching up on subscriptions, playing mobile legends, etc!!! i just wanna have a day where i stay in and dont do anything fully LOL and i dont need to leave or dress up or anything!!! here are some photos from downstairs/the christmas tree!!

i called u O: and then afterwards when u left to sleep, my dad wanted to buy some halo-halo and ez had errands to run so we went to the mall..dude it was so CROWDED UGH LOL dummy!! i get so tired when i go out in public sometimes and i just want 2 sleep fml

at the mall, i got halo-halo!! and appetizers at this restaurant idk, i had eggrolls and these really good like fried clam scallops?? idk how to describe it but it was fucking GOOD im O_O but yah!! the halo-halo was ok LOL i thot there was too much ube ice cream but i liked the consistency of it cuz it was like bingsoo iced ube instead of just like........ice cream ice cream LOL

dude it was fucking FAT so i shared it with my cousin LOL

afterwards we walked around and went to a book store!!! cuz my cousin wanted to get acrylic paint stuff cuz her artist stuff LOL i was looking around and saw this book and i thot it was SOOO FUNNY LOL

imagine having a FLUFFY BOOK OMG the left one is cute, but the right one is lowkey scary ASKSDKFJSLDFKJ there was a gray version of it too!!!

we just walked around tbh and we got a screen protector for ez’s new phone and then we went to a store to get a shirt for some secret santa thing and dude like some random filipino girl started singing silent night fucking LOUD and i was liek wtf is going on LOL this botch is singing like throughout the entire store it was so loud i was legitimately like PLEASE. STOP LFSJLDFKJSLDFKJSLDKFJ it was soo try hard too cuz she was obviously trying to fake an american accent LMAO

T.T then my aunt picked us up from the mall and we went to the hospital to wait for her to drive us back home cuz she had another patient LOL

the hospital was lowkey kinda rundown and jank and very like...yah obviously built a long time ago/had kinda bad resources but they extended it and she showed us to like the “off-limits, in construction” portion of the other hospital wing kinda like stranger things HAHAHA but it was completely different and modern!! it was lowkey scary tho like bRO LIKE THE LIGHTS WERE OFF AND THE HALLS WERE LONG AND EMPTY...BUT THE INFRASTRUCTURE WAS NICE

but yah that’s p much it!! i went home and ate dinner and now im chillen again :3 gonna shower soon, wait for ur call, and ktfo!! apparently we have a fuckin family reunion thing/party tomorrow e_e im not looking forward to it im so tired dude i do not like LOL i hate these family functions theres too much energy to talk to people and i hate dressing up for it. dude wearing makeup here is so annoying cuz u just feel disgusting at the end of the day by how humid it is LOL

but anyways!!!

here’s my response to ur challenge <3

LOL i tried my best but they look more chibi if u make their eyes bigger :D

for your challenge for the next day:

make a photo collage of ur favorite moments of us together this year :3 like any photos, or any dumb selfies, screenshots etc!! like make it cute and stuff HAHA cuz i may want to or u may want to post it :3 just a cute recap hehe

thanks so much for everything bebz! have fun at the spa and let me know how it is ^__^ ill try to hold out a lil bit more for you LOOOL i literally just need to get through up to new years and i can fucking. live. and SEE YOU SOON HEHE

have a good rest of the day baby!! i love you so so so much, ill talk to you real soon! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, FOREVER, MORE THAN ANYTHING WITH ALL MY HEART :DDD

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