#the fairly grueling bio 101-102 courses

[kaesaaurelia]

someday I’m going to get it into my head that whenever I post fiction (or anything I have worked on) it is probably not going to be the moment when everyone realizes I’m not that good at writing (or whatever) and I don’t know what I’m doing.  this honestly isn’t that bad?  like, I definitely have this thought a lot but it’s become routine, like, “well I am going to post anyway so there.”  and like, rationally, I do think I’m a pretty good writer, not because I love my writing The Most, but because I like it well enough and because other people enjoy it enough to read what is frankly far too many words, and what does “being a good writer” mean, really, if it doesn’t mean “being engaging and entertaining with words.”  I was never going for deep literary merit here; I just wanna have fun and maybe also talk about stuff I think is important.

but it is a very annoying little mental popup to have to x out all the time, and I really wish I could do that thing with my impostor syndrome that’s like HAHA I AM PULLING THE WOOL OVER EVERYONE’S EYES BY BRILLIANTLY CONVINCING THEM THAT I WRITE GOOD!!!  if only!  how does anyone do that while avoiding the crushing guilt of dishonesty and/or Breaking A Rule???  I can’t even imagine.

#kaesa op #venty post #(I do not really regard my hairtrigger crushing guilt as a sign of Ethical Whatever #I just have a hairtrigger guilt response #I still feel guilty about the one exception wrt getting my college degree #that I did not actually ask for but my advisor just *gave* me #basically I needed a specific kind of STEM course #for a non-STEM major #but since I'd been a biology major previously I'd taken a bunch of STEM courses #which taught me similar things #but the university didn't have them on the list #because the list was intended for people who were absolutely not touching #the fairly grueling bio 101-102 courses #which were prereqs #this keeps me up nights #what if my degree #which I've NEVER USED FOR ANYTHING #is not something I deserve???? #who even gives a shit kaesa u got that environmental studies degree #and then worked for a climate denier divorce lawyer for 10 years)