#the hard part is working on forgiveness and understanding for all the pain/harm ive caused myself & others

[pop-punklouis]

hi hope. idk if you’ll post this or not, but the other month i had came across some posts of yours from about 10 (?) ish years ago of you using the n-word with an “a” and i know you’ve grown since then and i know you grew up in the south (so did i & so many kids used it aunfortunately for slang) but just wanted to message and say that knowing people can grow and that you can see that growth in someone over time is really nice. constant evolution and education is so important. hope you’re well

Hey. yeah, i actually want to address this. I’ve been talking with someone privately about these posts recently and just reflecting on them, myself, from all those years ago and the person i was compared to who i am now. and although that term was never used on a black person or about a black person, just using it as slang for anyone/anything was not okay and was horrifying to see from myself. regardless of its intent, it’s still a very harmful and traumatic word. i don’t remember much of this time period in my life, but that isn’t a justification. that word has such a devastating origin with a weighted history that i will never, ever be able to understand as a white person. knowing i contributed to that weight as an ignorant kid is something ill be ashamed of for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t erase the harm it had on those black people who saw that on their dash from me and experienced it or any of the black people who dealt with this term being used so casually by white people growing up and still are working through the scars from that to this day.

going through those posts that i’ve now deleted because of how disgusted i was from the casual use from myself and tumblr as a whole back then (some reblogs i had), i saw an ask where i dismissed a black person after they asked why i used the term— saying if it wasn’t used as a racial slur, then it didn’t feel as bad… and i want to apologize from the bottom of my heart for even believing that fucked up idealogy 10 years ago. to know, in the back of my mind, it could offend someone who has been generationally hurt by a term but using it anyway because it “wasn’t used with that intent,” is so far out of who i am and who i’ve grown to be. like i keep saying, i was absolutely horrified to see some of these things, but my horror of my own ignorant past and the environment i grew up in doesn’t take away all the harm it caused and still causes black people. i take full responsibility for that behavior and usage of that term. it’s unjustified, and i keep thinking about the pain i know ive caused people who have had to see that tied to me. no black person deserves to suffer because of the blatant ignorance and dismissal from another race, and it’s devastating that you guys do :(

i am so, so sorry. and i know those words only go so far. even though i was from the south, it doesn’t matter. we all should’ve known better than to say that term so nonchalantly. i hope i can be forgiven for these past actions, and if not— then that’s totally fine. no one has to forgive me or understand. it would be completely justified not to. this has given me a long overdue self-reflection for parts of my past i didnt remember until it was brought to my attention. so much of our comments comes from how we’re raised and the environment were raised in, but after time we grow and change because we learn new things and are educated and brought awareness to every day. that doesn’t mean the hurt and harm is forgotten just because someone can “wipe their hands clean of it” and stand on the moral high ground knowing they aren’t that person anymore. but, it is hopeful to know how much growth someone can have. and i hope you all have seen that in me.

i know i harp on tumblr a lot, but i believe this website exposed me to so much information, news, politics, injustice, prejudice, and hard truths as a teen that i didn’t have anywhere else at the time that it helped me evolve as a person. just knowing this platform gave me access to so much of the world i didn’t have access to otherwise is something ill forever be grateful for. i’ll never be able to apologize enough for these past comments, but it didn’t feel right not to talk about this publicly. it’s been heavy on my heart since being made aware of them, and i just want to be as open and honest as possible about everything— even if that means facing such hard behavior from my past. i know i’m not that person anymore, and i know i’ve grown and would never even think to say or do something like that. but, at the end of the day, i’m not the one who has been affected. it’s black people, and i’m so so sorry.

#it didn’t feel right now to address it #it’s been hard to even see me use that term as slang back then #and i’ve wrestled with it a lot #but i don’t want to go on without talking about it and apologizing for it #i hope you’re all well and to all my POC followers/mutuals #i am devastated that i contributed to your hurt and harm with that term #going to leave this at the top of my blog for a bit #i am so so sorry #*not instead of now #*not POC but black followers/mutuals

[floralkittygambler]

Return of The Thing

Sort of. By thing, I mean me. But I love this movie and the meme. Ok, context for this post: - Where I’ve been - Why I left - Whats hip happening -  Where I’ve Been:

Long story short, I’ve had real life matters to deal with. Firstly, my entire household contracted COVID. Well, *almost*. We’ve been through constant testing, quarantine zones, and had the ambulance up numerous times. My parents and 2nd oldest sister were hit the hardest. My 3rd oldest sister was positive and asymptomatic. Now something none of us could predict that I would be completely COVID free despite my compromises. Despite that I was in close contact with them all, including the 2nd oldest who contracted it first and accidentally being coughed on a few times lol. I went through the exact same testing and yet nothing. No symptoms. No presence of COVID. And I took no precaution to isolate from my family as I presumed in our small house we’d all get it, so I was more preoccupied with caring for the sick. Ultimately, I’ve either gotten off scott free this time or there’s a chance I may actually either be highly resistant or even immune. Even then, I WILL be having the vaccine as and when my family are eligible. And we all still follow regulations set.  I’ve also had other real life obligations, much of it either mundane fixing up my living circumstances to more personal matters. Overall, I have been extremely preoccupied.

A mini update, the stray cat Big has been in our porch a lot more in recent times due to the snow as well as being even more affectionate. And Queefster passed away after a good life and a full tummy. Why I Left:

Aside from COVID, business, and my own health declining, I’ll be blunt. I left because of how disgustingly toxic most fandoms are nowadays, but Hazbin is one of the WORST for it. That includes harassment, death threats, mocking MI and triggering an ED. In fact, I’ve even seen others get rape and death threats. So yes, even if YOU are a decent fan, collectively most of you arent doing any favours. Even some critical blogs seem to be overtly catty in ways no one else seems to pick up on under this ‘look how blunt I am’ look and it’s just... You dont have to be a prick to have your say, to be honest and to disagree with the trending. That’s a few on and off of tumblr, and no one I follow anyways. 

In regards to my ‘sensitivities’ - two things: 1) Of course trauma is going to hurt, 2) Im fully aware of kids doing and receiving much of this, which hurts MORE. I have my own lil squids and Im worried of them eventually having to deal with this shit. And no, no one SHOULD have to put up with such rude and poor behaviour. Agree to disagree doesnt live in some people’s realities, but by God harassment and bullying seems ok if YOURE doing it or enticing it. That ISNT ok. Even if it seems like nothing to you it could kill another. I certainly will not take your shit. 

On huskerdust I STAND by my words. It’s fucking creepy and there is sexual harassment and obsession. And there are large triggers. I will not go into detail here because Ive done that dance before and I’ll be refining it again. YOU may like it, however it triggers my very real traumas as well as those in my bloodline. Be respectful and keep that shit away from me. And for goodness sake, parents PLEASE dont raise your children to behave as such online. And no, being anon isnt actually fully anonymous. Also to send hate and threats anon is not only traceable but also cowardice. Grow a pair and find a hobby. I avoid my traumas for the most part. I will not allow you to weaponise or diminish my own or others experiences for your fictional based gratification. Likewise, if it becomes canon, I’ll just make an AU where it is not. Simple. You can hate it but Im not your personal circus so go be toxic elsewhere. IF you like HD and follow me, honestly... Youre probably better to unfollow as I am deeply and passionately against it and stolitz, and valvox, and am very vocal on that. Dont mistake my traumas and discomfort as a personal attack - and dont personally attack me over it either. And before anyone claims homophobia, no. This is nothing to do with sexuality. You arent the victim. If you love these pairings with your soul to the point of a ‘stan’, then youre best off unfollowing because I really am too old for extremists and rabid fans more crazed than the infected in REC. Also I never used to hate angel but now... Fans behaviour is abhorrent and hes so over saturated that I honestly really dislike him now. Doesnt mean you have to hate him too, but just bloody respect that angel isnt loved by all, he can be triggering to some as well as toxically enabling [incl. past addicts], a vile homophobic gay stereotype and just overall a lack of knowledge and respect of sex workers as a whole. When you know a lot of the ins and outs and victims, it’s hard to overlook. I respect your triggering ships by avoiding that mess. Respect others.  The problem with Viv - and I will elaborate in the future - is that your audience is often a reflection of your work and it’s message/presentation. And most of the fandom Ive met are awful. Honestly, though lonesome I find more comfort keeping distant from fandoms because yall often extremely toxic and petty. Perhaps others have had better experiences than I however Im drawing a line in the sand. For MY sake. I’m annoyed with virtually anyone I sense great potential in that becomes wasted. Im angry at Viv because she can do so much better but is blocking HERSELF. This is from a creative and business mindset. When someone has potential that gets wasted - especially creatively - it burns me. Im just passionate on artistic fields. It doesnt mean I hate them. I hate the waste of full potential.

I’ll state things here people disagree with but encouraging harassment, hate or just being an overall cunt just aint on- It’s like people charade as being this fair being but its all bullshit. Self improve and sod off, I do NOT have time to parent you online. 

And obviously there are RL duties I must fulfil. Some in which I will need the publics assistance for if you can spare it. Overall, Im just... Fandoms behaviour generally disgusts me. Disappoints me. We SHOULD be better than this. It’s like listening to bloomin incels rant on fuckin chad or some bullshit pill theory instead of looking to improve themselves too. Honestly... I do mostly acknowledge my own flaws and faults and try to improve each day. It just feels fewer folk see that in themselves and do the same. And that’s coming from an old cunt whos far from fuckin perfect. Also, my fuckin laptop broke so I waited a week for a bloke nearby to fix it. What a fuckin lifesaver, he’s the real mvp!

Also Also, one of you did privately apologise and I appreciate that. I certainly hope we agree to disagree and continue to grow as people on our separate ways. Trust me, I dont forget small acts like this. Even the trauma that caused and the aftermath, please dont think I dont appreciate the apology. However you’re also entitled to know that the forgiveness and healing side may take longer for me due to various factors that occurred - much that few are aware of, including yourself especially. I wish you well and safety.

Hip Happenin Now:

Still busy but slowly visiting. I’ll reply and reblog soon, be patient please. Ive still many things to sort which take priority as well as other things. Im trying to get money n shit for a future and whatnot. Health issues are strong in the blood rn and Im spending extended time with both Big and the other pets to keep up harmony, especially now that Big is accepting slowly that our porch is a welcome shelter for him and he’s free to leave and stay whenever. Trust me, overloaded isnt even the word. Im prepping shit early this year and from now on. Also, my God Ive been dealing with more physical issues as well and had to play doctor. May even need medical interference but holy shit I could never see this coming. Still... It’s... An experience- If you could call it that. Staying more active and healthy. Cat’s nearly clawed my eye out in my sleep (to which I can only presume Billy got too close or hyper) but it’s fortunate placement so Im alright. Most of my body is in pain to the point of absolute normality at this rate. And I plan to make space for a better altar. Future of the Blog: 

Errr, it’s my fuckin space so it’s whatever I want really. Ill still have my Viv rants (ie, pros and cons of her work, HH/HB, other shit like that) however I just really dislike most the fandom at this point as well as the poor management and lack of professionalism and attitudes of staff. It’s just draggin me down and making me ill. I also want to showcase more of MY work (from redesigns to projects to some dumb 2am shit), cosplays, fashion, hobbies, spiritual practises - MY. SHIT. I feel like Ive strayed slightly. But I WILL be honest. And damn well will it upset people. And if it does and I’m genuinely ding something wrong/harmful - guide me patiently. Educate me. If it’s like this HD shit where Im not only allowed my opinions but justified on my traumas or mocking my disabilities or features, then just yeet yourself elsewhere. Also some of my gaming shit too. Getting to know folk who interact with my stuff and just... Create my space. For me. Something hopefully others can enjoy. Something that can function as a bit of an art portfolio as well. Critiques and whatnot.  But I will continually not stand for anyone’s shit or poor handling of serious matters. You will not cause me to doubt and invalidate my experiences like you have to others.  For now, Im tottering but slowly returning. For those who I previously and daily interacted with, I will get back to you. And Im sure you’re patient and understanding of my situation - it’s appreciated. But in terms of any fandom, more so if it’s known to be as hostile, I’d rather keep a healthy boundary between us. That’s for newer folk. Perhaps we may bond further and you’re welcome to try, however I do feel far safer not getting involved into other people’s shit any longer. I will put anon back on but any toxic shit will be reported as well as compiled so at least I have a reference on the actual toxic nature of fandoms. Likewise, Im slowly getting there but god theres a lot of fuckin work. So much that not even my closest friend has heard too much from me until recently. I’ll be returning to the grind for now as I have duties, as well as many demanding felines for my attention. Alongside some physical medical concerns which require additional care, I’ll be popping off now.  Im thankful for those who have checked in on me. I will reply shortly. Take care

#im fucking tired #ive hardly had any alcohol lately as well #ive snuck some though but not as much for unwind time sadly #also discovered sourz alcohol and it is wonderful #i made someone laugh until literal pissing themselves though so #im taking bloody pride in that comedy so