#the healing thing to do is to show everyone and hear everyone's sympathy so that i can make up for the sympathy i never got

[thestobingirlie]

I have to rant about this because I just noped out of a fic because of it and I need your opinion on it but,

One prevailing fandom trope in any Steve-centric fic that bugs the shit out of me is when they make Steve's popularity absolutely tank either after he drops Tommy and Carol, or after Billy shows up.

Because firstly, just because Tommy and Carol are no longer friends with Steve doesn't mean everyone else will suddenly stop liking him to. In fact, based on Barb's reaction to Nancy potentially dating Steve (excited) to when she brings up Nancy being friends with Tommy and Carol (which Nancy reacts badly to), Tommy and Carol have a worse reputation than Steve does at school so wouldn't people be happy that Steve dropped them?

Steve's also on multiple sports teams and let me tell you as a former sports team player, you don't successfully play on or captain a sports team without at least kind of being friends with/getting along with the people on that team. Getting beat up by a "loser" like Jonathan probably would get him sympathy instead of scorn considering how people seem to feel about Jonathan in general (and because I know that news of those pictures got spread around the school so people likely thought Steve was just being an ongoing victim of Jonathan's creepiness). He's also a rich, attractive, and funny guy. There's no way people just decide to drop him because he dumped Tommy and started dating Nancy.

Then there's the fact that when Billy does show up, Steve is still King Steve enough that Billy almost immediately knows that this is the person he has to beat in order to be Top Dog. He specifically says that everyone keeps talking about King Steve, so why would they be if Steve dropped off the social ladder a year ago?

No one can also convince me Steve stopped being popular after Billy beat him up because firstly, Tommy being his friend isn't an indicator that Billy is now popular (as stated above, Tommy was obviously less liked than Steve was), nor is doing 1 impressive thing at a party half the people will probably be too drunk to remember. He also wouldn't lose popularity from dropping basketball because 1) a bad concussion isn't bad enough to take someone completely out of a sport like basketball once it heals and basketball season wouldn't properly start until a full month or two after the events of S2, so he wouldn't quit because of that and despite what many, many fics try to do, Steve is would not quit to avoid Billy. He just wouldn't, it's so out of character that that's the reason I noped out of the fic I was reading.

This is also not even mentioning that everyone seems to think that if Billy is popular or king of the school, then Steve just HAS to be a friendless loser, which is such a blatant attempt to just dump trauma on Steve. I mean, if they want to make Steve lonely and friendless for the Tragic Backstory, at least have the reason make sense, like Steve pulling away after multiple counts of almost Dying because he just can't relate to kids his own age anymore.

Not to mention the fact that Steve is probably one of the least developed main characters and chances are the fact that we don't see or hear about Steve's other friends is because 1) less people they have to cast/take up screen time and 2) the Duffers just genuinely seem not to give a fuck about developing Steve or his backstory at all.

Anyway, sorry for dumping into your asks (I sincerely hope this is coherent), but this has been bugging me for months and I needed to get it off my chest.

oh yeah, that shit bugs me too. like, i don’t think steve had any super close friends other than nancy, but boy was still popular, he still knew people, he had a place to sit at lunch!!

and that’s actually interesting, about steve being well liked, but not tommy and carol. i’ve never really seen that kind of separation in fics, but it would be fun to have something about steve being the most popular of the group, and tommy and carol being the ones that drop popularity after the split.

steve being super sporty essentially means he always had people to hang out with lmao. and i do see steve obviously not playing basketball for a while, and no longer being captain, because i figure you have to play the game to be captain lol. i honestly don’t know much about sports tho, so i don’t know if you could just jump right in after not playing for a while, but yeah, steve wouldn’t just drop out because of billy. like, the other basketball guy called billy a douchebag. i think it’d be fun if in a fic, everyone turned against billy after the fight.

yeah, steve’s friends aren’t at all relevant to the plot, so we’re not going to see them. and i’ve said this before, but while s2 steve is lonely, he’s not alone. he has friends, he’s popular, but he’s increasingly not seeing any point towards the whole thing and essentially becoming disillusioned to the idea of being the king of hawkins high. but like you said, he’s not a friendless loser.

#steve harrington #stranger things #asks #somuchfuckingsalt

[piracytheorist]

Damian Desmond, the bully and the victim

I'm prefacing this by saying I was bullied as a kid at school. It was not the worst bullying story you'll ever hear, but that makes no difference in bully victims, cause no amount of "It could be worse!" can heal the life-long scars bullying leaves in you. I'm not saying this to evoke pity or sympathy, but to give context for my point of view in this analysis.

My two most prominent (and persisting) bullies through my school years were two boys, unrelated to each other and in different times (one was in elementary school and one in high school), who both had divorced parents and lived with their mothers. I don't know the full details of what their relationships with their fathers were, but I can easily guess that there were unfulfilled wishes in their lives, and once they found me they were like "That's who I'll burst out my frustrations on". As if I didn't have my own issues at home, but why would my problems matter from their point of view?

The thing with bullies (and abusers in general) is that, for the most part, they don't understand the pain they're causing - and if they do, they think their victim needs (tough love situation) or deserves it. Everyone is a hero in their own story - I regrettably made fun of a classmate a few times, out of my own need to feel superior for once after having been on the receiving end for so long. And I can tell you that my justification for doing so was something like "I am smart and this kid should listen to me, if he does he will become smart too!". It was only much, much later that I realized that didn't hold and the kid was actually hurt by my uncalled-for behaviour. Usually, bullies don't have the empathy, or if they do they simply don't put it to use, to see things from their victim's perspective.

And in all the praise I have to give Endo for writing Anya very realistically as a child, I also have to give it to him for how realistic the bullying is. It starts immediately, uncritically. It persists and the stupid excuse of "Just ignore them" doesn't work at all. Anya gets angry and upset at it, to the point of violent outbursts and tears (though thankfully presented in such a way that the audience doesn't blame her). Combined with his conflicting emotions about her, Damian has found the perfect victim for his bullying; Anya is an outcast (aside from having Becky, thank god), has physical attributes he can make fun of, and because of her wanting to help with Operation Strix she just constantly presents herself to him, when normally she would try her damnedest to avoid him (like Becky always advises her to).

Everything Damian does is an outburst of his own feelings of neglect. I know manga readers know more about the family dynamic, but as an anime only I've also been given enough to understand it's very, very problematic. But that's not an excuse. Having trauma on your own does not excuse thrusting trauma upon others. I mean, you think Anya, the orphan from the lab who didn't have anyone to give a damn about her happiness until she had to manipulate both her ways into getting a father and then a mother, has less trauma than Damian does???

It's not an excuse, but it's a dynamic for Damian to become better. Damian's behaviour problem doesn't only stem from him being neglected; it's also from the fact that he hasn't been taught sympathy. Which, like, makes sense. His father is an ambitious politician who genuinely believes that it's impossible for humans, even relatives, to understand each other, and had no qualms saying this right in front of his kid.

When it comes to Damian's behaviour, it does not matter that those words hurt him terribly. He doesn't have the emotional maturity and empathy yet to understand that he's only perpetuating the same toxic behaviour with his classmates. The fact that Donovan felt so comfortable saying those words in front of both his own son and a total stranger shows that it's something he's used to; and such traits can very easily be passed on from parents to kids without even consciously trying.

Meanwhile, while Anya had a much worse time while being used as a science subject, she was taught the idea of peace; in the first episode flashback, the scientists talk about how they can use her powers for world peace, to justify cutting her play time short in favor of whatever they were doing with her. When Twilight thinks that understanding her will lead to world peace, she immediately starts complying with that. And when she hears his thoughts about how he wants to create a better world, she decides to stay with him as his daughter to help him in the mission, despite understanding the risk and knowing that whether the mission fails or succeeds, Twilight will walk away in the end. She understands the idea of kindness and good. Maybe the way she was introduced to it wasn't the most noble - after all, the scientists were using it as an excuse to practically abuse her - but she still knows and understands enough about what it means for someone else to be happy.

Damian… doesn't. For the grand majority of his presentation he doesn't do things for someone else, in fact, he's so used to others doing things for him that we always see Ewen carry his backpack for him.

I do not doubt that Ewen himself, being the bootlicker he is, offered to carry it, but the fact that Damian never once went like "Nah it's okay man I can carry my weight today" is very telling about how not used he is to doing things for others.

However, his dynamic becomes interesting and receives redeeming qualities because of the times he does show altruism. First when he stops the ball from hitting Anya in the face during the dodgeball game, (though he instantly and openly regrets doing that). And it wasn't from conscious thought - it was an action purely out of protective instinct. Then, when he's the instigator of consoling George Glooman when the latter thinks he'll be moved out of the school. That one he also regrets doing, but it's much more understandable and it doesn't take away the sympathy he showed him.

There is something he constantly does, however, with someone else in mind; he studies hard and tries to excel at school to receive Stellas, in order to get his father's attention. His way of getting that attention has been so messed up by his upbringing that he thinks the only way of getting any positive interaction with his father is by working hard to not be a "failure". And even that hides some personal motives behind it, because the poor kid longs for some affection from his family. Donovan's character and the distance Damian has from him, his mother (when he calls home, he talks with their butler, not her), and his brother all combined do not allow the kid to understand the concept of doing something to make someone else happy, even (or especially) if there's nothing in it for him.

That's not selflessness; that's a neglected kid pushing himself to prove to his abusers that he's deserving of their affection, something he naturally craves and obviously misses from his life. Tough "love" is so prominent in the Desmond family that Damian had no hopes of growing any differently.

He has the potential to become better and has only been held back because of his family's toxic environment. But he needs to develop a conscious understanding of altruism first if his character is to grow into a morally better area.

You can't just give a character a painful backstory and expect audiences to automatically root for their happiness. You need to show your character also has grown empathy because of said painful experiences. We see it with all three mains. Anya was treated as a lab experiment; you start rooting for her when you see that she wants to help bring peace. Twilight went through a war as a kid; you root for him when he says he wants to create a world where kids won't go through the same thing. Yor lost her parents when she was very young; you root for her when you learn that she took care of her brother and gave him opportunities for education and a better future that she rejected for herself in his favour.

So yeah, I do feel sorry for Damian. But right now I only root for him to understand the meaning of making someone else happy — the meaning behind his own protective action over Anya in the dodgeball game and the sympathy he showed George. When he does that, and he realizes he has more in common with Anya than he dares to accept, it's only then that he'll grow from a layered but still toxic bully into a character audiences can root for.

It's also not the responsibility of Anya of all people to take up all the abuse from him and be the one to help him build up some character. It has to be him making the realization, and Anya can choose to be a friend to him as he does that, but in no way can his development depend on her.

(Again, anime only fan here, don't spoil me for the manga)

#yeah uhm this has been in my drafts for like two months #that post I saw made me want to clean it up and post it #the shipping is one thing the whitewashing of his bullying is another #Spy x Family #sxf meta #Damian Desmond #(if you see this in the tag and reblog just to argue with me no you didn't) #(discussion is welcome but pointless arguing is not)

[depressedhatakekakashi]

Do you think Hiroki has a monument in the village that almost everyone went to after he died? Even the royal family? Despite how evil they were, he was a doctor for almost 400 years. He probably helped heal past kings/ queens, maybe the current ones as well. Probably every family in the land knew of his healing deeds and how he helped so many people. Heck even though the royals were directly responsible for his demise (what with sending knights to abduct his kids/patients and ransacking his hospital and orphanage and eventually breaking his hair clip! The a$$holes!) They could have spun it/ used propaganda to say he was always loyal to the crown and his contributions will go on in history. (No one in the working/ poverty class is falling for this of course, but they own the press so what you going to do!) And building the statue themselves. Maybe even throwing the knight who did so under the bus and publicly executing him to get some heat off their backs.

But how did Gai react to hearing Hiroki died? It sounds like he was one of the last kids he healed and although he's been reborn, he can't remember that he was his father... I imagine it still hurt him. Deeply. In a way he can't/couldn't explain and his dads had to take him home as he just cried for over a week straight.

Maybe they rationalized it as Hiroki didn't charge them for Gai's care, and treated him so well in the hospital, and Gai was just sad to see an idol/ such a good man pass. Maybe Gai tries to explain it that way when he's older too.

But part of me always sees him gripping his heart subtly when Hiroki is mentioned or when he sees his statue. And this irrational thought that goes through his head like "if only I was a few years older. If I was born just ten years earlier...maybe I could have done something."

He doesn't know why he has these thoughts, but if he ever spills them to Yamato and/or Kakashi, I imagine them looking at him with such sympathy.

Ohhh, really loving the idea of the royal family trying to earn favour by making it seem like Hiroki was loved by them, and that he in turn loved them

But also thinking of the village people getting together to make a statue/memorial stone of their own that’s not the prettiest but they all know what it stands for.

Knights often come in to try to destroy it but the people keep going back to repair/make it better.

It becomes such a huge symbol of hope and perseverance for them, and when Lee officially takes over the throne one of his first acts is to have a proper statue put into place in the centre of the village while also hiring someone to take the work that the villagers created in Hiroki’s memory and create an exact replica out of bronze or stone. Something that will last forever while showing the people’s dedication to Hiroki.

I think that would be very touching. Hiroki would want a statue made out of genuine love, not political ploy

Or we could have both! The tyrant king has a statue made to make it seem like he loved Hiroki. His statue is the standard ‘hero man’ with Hiroki in a heroic pose with all sorts of medical symbol’s around him. Perhaps it even has an animal depicted with it that the kind considers brave/true, but was never one Hiroki loves. People also hate this statue because it has zero connection to the god of storms, where as Hiroki was an avid lover of storms and lightning.

The people’s memorial is much more true to Hiroki.

It has Eel skeleton’s/paintings of eel’s because the people know that was Hiroki’s favorite animal. It also has paintings from people of storms, clouds, lightning. All the things that they know Hiroki loved.

Hiroki’s first visit as a god is to the village, and when he see’s the statue made by the king he balks. He hates it

When he see’s what the people made for him, though, he cries because there’s so much love in it. He can see how much they adored him and he only wishes he could have done more for them.

As for how Gai felt, i do think the grief was overwhelming, and while i think Gai and one of his dad’s chalk it up to Hiroki being beloved, i think the other dad might have realized

Maybe he picked up on the way Hiroki hung outside he door whenever Gai sang his favorite lullyby, or how Hiroki would always tell Gai grand stories of his dad with such softness that couldn’t be attributed to just memories

Perhaps he was a studier of history and knew all the tales of the ancient hero, and how her was continuously reborn

Perhaps one day he was watching his son play and just realized that this is him

That his son is not just any child, but a boy born over and over to do great things

Perhaps, with his final words to his son, that father tell’s Gai that he knows somehow the kingdom will be saved, and it will be because of Gai. So Gai has to live. He has to fight no matter how much it hurts or how desperate he may feel to give up

Because as much as his father wishes his son was just a normal boy who could hold his head down and survive, he knows he’s not

He knows deep down Gai is there to change things for the better, and he needs Gai to know that he will always have his dad’s support whatever he does

#GOS AU #God of Storms au

[maerambles]

Chapters 23, 24, 25 and 26

Keeper of the Lost Cities - Shannon Messenger (October 2, 2012)

“You know, for a girl who hates doctors, you sure can’t seem to get away from the Healing Center.” [Elwin] (Ch. 23, p. 221)

I bet Sophie’s fear of doctors comes from being able to hear their thoughts from such an early age. The first place she noticed she could hear other’s thoughts was in the hospital, so I can bet that the first person she heard was her doctor and it may not have been good.

“Banshees can sense when someone’s in mortal danger.” [Elwin] (Ch. 23, p. 222)

I wonder why that is?

“But a brain push is a highly specialized skill only the ancients can pull off.” [Elwin] (Ch. 23, p. 223)

List of Sophie’s talents: Telepathy, Telekinesis, Photographic Memory, Blocking, Ability to read ANYONE’S mind, ability to read animal’s mind and Brain Pushes. Seven talents/abilities...

She wasn’t sure she wanted to have things in common with someone who acted like such a brat. [Sophie about Biana] (Ch. 23, p. 226)

You barely know Biana? She hasn’t even been that mean so far. It feels more like Sophie is jealous of Biana’s appearance but that’s just me.

She searched her memories for the rest of the night, but when she went to bed she was no closer to the solution. (Ch. 23, p. 229)

Why do I keep forgetting that Sophie can go through her memories like this it’s legitimately so cool!

For those of you worried you won’t be able to score the required seventy-five percent to pass, I recommend seeing Lady Nissa in the tutoring Center.” (Ch. 24, p. 231)

Lady Nissa?? I wonder who she is I don’t think we’ve heard anything about her.

“Oooh, smart thinking,” Dex agreed, reaching for the rest of his books. (Ch. 24, p. 232)

I did this in middle school, and now my back hates me.

“Which pin did you get?” Marella asked as he pulled out a small velvet pouch, like a Cracker Jack prize. (Ch. 24, p. 232)

Shannon’s age is showing, I was born in ‘99 and I had to google what that was lol.

“Right now there are only one hundred and eighty five unicorns - so that pin is super rare.” [Dex] (Ch. 24, p. 233)

Oh wow, that’s not a lot of unicorns.

“You could have told her that she’s a stuck up snob and you don’t want to be her friend,” Marella offered.(Ch. 24, p. 234)

Is Biana really that bad?? I haven’t seen her be extremely rude to anyone besides Sophie, and her feelings towards her are valid.

“Wait. I’m sorry. It’s just... girls always use me to get to my brother. I guess I sort of expect it.” (Ch. 25, p. 238)

This is so sad. No wonder she’s picky with her friends.

“Maybe you can braid each other’s hair and giggle about what boys you like while you’re at.” [Keefe] (Ch. 25, p. 239)

Can we stop with this.

Jealousy flared in Biana’s eyes as Keefe wrapped an arm around Sophie’s shoulders. (Ch. 25, p. 239)

Does Biana like Keefe???

Most Telepaths could only isolate a general area, but Sophie could nail down the exact spot. (Ch. 25, p. 240)

List of Sophie’s talents: Telepathy, Telekinesis, Photographic Memory, Blocking, Ability to read ANYONE’S mind, ability to read animal’s mind, Brain Pushes and exact thought tracking. Eight talents/abilities... albeit some are connected to being a Telepath but most are things that other’s can’t even do.

Sophie sighed as Marella flled everyone in on her almost weekly explosions. (Ch. 25, p. 244)

Oh my gosh Sophie this is actually so insane!! Lady Galvin must be PISSED.

She didn’t deserve sympathy. She didn’t deserve anything. (Ch. 25, p. 246)

Later in the books, it mentions that elves don’t deal well with guilt. I’m assuming this is why Sophie has such a drastic reaction to cheating on her exam. Also, it could be a way to show how incapable Sophie of doing something horrible. It’s defiantly interesting.

They’d [Grady and Edaline] just nodded, forgave her, and hoped she didn’t get in too much trouble. (Ch. 26, p. 248)

Grady and Edaline are such good parents, I adore them.

Sophe released the breath she’d been holding. (Ch. 26, p. 249)

Everyone’s favorite line, lol.

Alden was reporting on her too? (Ch. 26, p. 250)

Why is he reporting on her? I feel like he should be on her side, but he seems to never tell her anything.

“It’s hardly a secret that you tried to stop his wedding with Della.” [Tiergan] (Ch. 26, p. 250)

TIERGAN HOLY SHIT?? He knows the tea! This is so interesting, I would love to know more. I’m reading the annotated edition and Shannon says there’s a lot of background for the adult characters that she had to cut out. I would to read something about that! Would especially love to read about what Prentice and Jolie are like since we only experienced them with them already being passed away.

“I’ll serve the detention.” (Ch. 26, p. 251)

Sophie, our selfless queen!

An earsplitting shrill whine - part whale song, part nails on chalkboard, with just the right amount of screaming toddler - reverberated through the rooms. (Ch. 26, p. 253)

Oh wow, I though Sirens were supposed to have a pretty sound? I guess that’s not true in the Keeper world.

“You keep claiming you’re not mysterious, but who are you kidding?” [Keefe] (Ch. 26, p. 253)

Keefe’s favorite word for Sophie so far: Mysterious.

“Remember the reekrod someone put in Dame Alina’s office a few months ago?” (Ch. 26, p. 253)

Reekrod - an original thing from Miss Messenger!

His palms [Valin] were cold and sweaty and a blob of drool settled in the corner of his mouth and never went away. (Ch. 26, p. 254)

How is a person this nasty existing in the elven world lol. No offense to Valin, I know he’s a 12 y/o boy, but I can’t imagine a person existing like this in our world let alone the “perfect” elven world.

“Too bad I can read what you’re feeling without physical contact.” [Keefe] (Ch. 26, p. 255)

Can he turn this on or off or is he constantly feeling the emotions of others? Questions Questions...

“If you must know, yes, your emotions are stronger than others.” [Keefe] (Ch. 26, p. 256)

More ~interesting~ abilities to make Sophie stand out more. I believe this is more to connect Sophie and Keefe more, but still.

Sophie wasn’t allowed anywhere near them, forced instead to sit alone in a corner while Keefe winked at her and Valin stared and drooled. (Ch. 26, p. 256)

Ok but she didn’t actually do the punishment (as weird as it was?) which is something I would be happy about it. I’m surprised Keefe didn’t say anything about this treatment lol.

Did she really pick iron purification - the easiest transmutation in alchemy? (Ch. 26, p. 257)

Ok, but why didn’t Lady Galvin just tell her earlier in the book? Wouldn’t that save them both a lot of trouble?

Ok!! Just wanted to upload this because it’s been a while since I uploaded something lol.

#KOTLC #Keeper of the Lost Cities #KOTLC Reviews #Reviews #Book Reviews

[mysticmsmatrix]

Cracks … 🚏

cracks show on the development of this being

internal cracks appear upon every source of why I am who I am & also how I am

becoming in this time span

from childhood memories , misunderstandings of love , society & the high standards it holds up

just like the bridges that hold tons & tons of pounds daily spiraling in a thousands directions & streets

full of potholes , bumps & cracks, still standing up so strongly

yet theses crack of mine all reside in the inner deep , the foundation not everyone sees

this external may look like I am freshly painted concrete , but to me I feel I need a reconstruction of my foundations badly

imperfections eating away at me , i never wish theses cracks to leak on those who don’t deserve my bleed …

I say I’m sorry in advance if I’m not what one may seem

I’m trying my best to understand what that , I even means

imperfect is the truest me

cracking with every decision I make , crumbling with every move I’ve made not the good ones , the mistakes most days I’d rather sit still

& just wait for things to come into play so I don’t have to feel or think of a thing

although even in stillness, I feel every little thing

resorting to music to ease the pains

it allows me to fill the cracks as it hears my subconscious words without me saying it

& it sees me & my cracks without me displaying it , holding my cracks together better than anyone has , even I

I feel warm in the moments I know someone or something understands they way I work, not sympathy

I am aware that cracks are prone to happen in this life as nothing that happens to us is something we really choose , unless we really do choose that path of life …

but something’s even the painful ones are just meant too happen, even in disguise

without our judgment on how it should’ve happened

I am cracked like a egg that was almost fully cooked but wasn’t , harshly thrown onto, stone cold pavement

some pieces are still together & others are far away from home

unintentionally I’ve taken most of the blame for the mess that was made even from the things that were already on my plate , on my life’s chapter & page

I know I don’t deserve to carry others burdens on my soul

pouring into myself is the best thing for me to do but the hardest as first, I must stop my bleed

to truly feel put together, peace

every eggshell of me broken into micro pieces

mixed into all the things ive dealt with & been through especially the things I never speak …

I am open for change yet at times I am scared of the new , what will I be , this time or again

& I know I can’t take back those old pieces , experiences of me

learning theses deep cracks i see ,

it is to find new things of myself to replace the space , cuts & openings

cracking while also replenishing is a process that’s apart of me even when I am healing

pure love relies in my embrace, always

i am still a young cracked woman with mistakes & parts of herself to remake

don’t dare to believe my cracks equal to weakness , they equal to the strength I’ve endured to manage through the damages & burns , to become eternal in spiritual ways

I am cracked & even cracking now yet I am a beautiful crafted being made with divine worth

learning to accept , learn & love my everything. -themysticmatrix

#divine #poetry #spirituality #art #beauty #cracking the code #falling apart #pieces #i love you #self love #letting go #poem #poetic #growth #colors #oceans

[mariposavuela]

I haven't made a vent post on tumblr in years.

I'm supposed to be on writing moratorium for a week but I am so full of pain that I can't not externalize it.

My period started today which might explain why I've been so weepy this past week or maybe it's the fact that I started a new therapist next week who actually started off the bat with a PTSD diagnostic test for me.

You know the relief when someone finally listens to you? When someone finally hears you and recognizes what you're feeling?

I have no one in my life who will do that with me. I have no support system int he city I live in. Therapy is the only place and I am hopeful it will help, but I have also just started again with this new place and I have to rehash everything.

And the list just gets longer and longer. I feel like I'm brimming with resentments and nobody helps me with them. People all try to correct me without listening to me and all it does is make me feel lonelier and angrier.

I am so angry and upset that people I trusted used that trust to sexually assault me. I am so angry and upset that a stranger did the same thing. I am so angry and upset that I can't just be angry and upset without people judging me. I am so angry and upset that people don't offer me sympathy.

My support system has been dissolving around me this past year and I am hopeless that I am ever going to get better. I am hopeless that I will ever be able to handle myself independently and I am hopeless that anyone would ever want to help me. My best friend moved back home across the country so I can't talk to her. My pastor was fired for a clusterfuck of reasons a year ago and now I don't trust anyone who tries to help me because I keep wondering if they're just going to end up awful too.

I tried living in a Christian community house and everyone here is so immature and afraid of sorrow and think the appropriate response to trauma is to tell me to rejoice always anyways. When they hurt my feelings, they tell me Jesus is my strength. While this is true, I think Jesus would be upset that the thing he has to protect me from is my housemates' selfishness and thoughtlessness.

I hate where I live. I hate the disappointment of my hopes. I hate it worse here than anywhere else I've lived because 1. it's recency bias and 2. I thought Christians were supposed to try to be better. Even if it's an impossible task to be Good, I thought Christians were supposed to try. I would have so many fewer hurt feelings if Christians just showed me some effort to care.

Once when I was little, my even younger cousin saw me crying. I was like six years old and we were watching Bambi. She was like two years old and she saw me crying so she handed me a toy cymbal. It wasn't like she did anything huge to help me. She didn't talk me through my grief. She didn't have beautiful healing wisdom. She was two years old. But she saw I was sad and saw earlier that I had played with the toy cymbals and had been happy, so she handed me the toy to see if it would help.

It's just the effort that means something. That someone sees you're sad and tries. That I didn't have to reach out, that someone else of their own volition tried to do something.

When my housemates ask me how I'm doing and I explain, then they sit in this interminable silence and I regret saying anything in the first place.

I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I hate my life. I hate how selfish that sounds. My life is not hard. I have a physically safe house. I have food and shelter and safety. I am in a job that feels meaningful to me. I make no money but I have enough to get me through to the end of this program. I live in a place where the landscape is beautiful and birds sing and the grass is green and soft.

And I cannot escape the rumination on this pain. I can't stop thinking about how three years ago I gave myself to a man who decided it was a good idea to put my hand on his dick while I was asleep. I loved a man who dealt with us breaking up by trying to rape me. I forgave and forgave and forgave him and I used up all my forgiveness on him I guess because now I can't do it anymore.

I am in interminable pain and I see no end. I spent all day today doing meaningless activities to distract myself from my suicidality. I took a long evening nap so I can't sleep now and I am full of pelvic cramps so I doubly can't sleep now. Everything in me aches. The period cramps will stop in twenty four hours but the grief won't. I'm going to be sad forever. I am never going to see the light. I hate it here. I hate it here. I hate it here.

I'm posting because if I post this I can pretend that someone will read this and offer me hope. Writing is the only recourse I have ever had for anything that has ever hurt. I haven't been able to write all year. I have no recourse for my pain. Nobody cares that I am hurt. Nobody cares when they hurt me. I have nothing left to give anyone and they keep taking more.

I am so exhausted. The only hope I have is in the resurrection. The day Jesus will wipe every tear from our eyes. But I don't have hope that I will reach that day because I have wanted to quit my religion so many times this year. I'm scared I'm going to reach my breaking point this summer. I'm scared no one will care that they pushed me to it.

#this is a vent post and its very negative #i am at the end of my rope #i am at the last dregs of hope #I have nothing else to give #i have nothing else to look forward to

[sushigreys]

Beamer boy lyrics

#Beamer boy lyrics full

#Beamer boy lyrics pro

Man, I will always be thankful for your music and that it was the only thing that would stop me, for the time, to bloody lie to myself, put up fronts for myself which was retarded, and be myself, be it for five minutes, or all night listening to Peep's music. Sadly, Peep is not here, nor he would see me of course lol even if he was alive. Saying this as a 30 year old man now may sound corny, but I felt like he's some bro of mine, not literally, but relatable as hell, and as I could never show any ''weak emotions'' to anyone for like all my life, cuz it's how we roll where I'm from (sadly or not - I do not know to be honest), at some point I even started to almost believe that this is normal, to feel fucked up like that, to do fucked up stuff, be violent, and so on - because of that consistent front I had to put up, it's like at some point you, yourself, start to believe in your own lies. Drugs never healed me from that bullshit, but Peep's music always did. I wish Peep could see me now, out of prison, for the second time, all of my five court cases done with, my Major Depressive Disorder in check that I battled with since 2016 (felt in love with Peep's music in late 2015), my drug habits under control, me in good shape, working out, feeling like I have shit to live for and just feel good, without any nihilism and misanthropy which to me as a Catholic, was disheartening to say the least to wake up each morning hating everyone, everything, being real aggressive, having no sympathy for those I really should have done much more than I have done or not done, depends on which angle you look at it from. Nonetheless, on “Beamer Boy” Peep expresses his fondness of the established automobile brand, speaks on how people are appearing to view him differently now that he has fame and money and makes references to one of BMW’s most recognizable and iconic models, the Z3, which was most famously featured in the 1996 James Bond movie, “GoldenEye.”

#Beamer boy lyrics full

Nonetheless, on “Beamer Boy” Peep expresses his fondness of the established automobile brand, speaks on how people are appearing Read Full Bio Bavarian Motor Works widely known as BMW, is a German luxury car brand founded in Munich, Germany that produces automobiles as well as motorcycles. Interestingly, Bimmer is the correct term for the cars and the former are used to refer to BMW motorcycles. Many BMW car owners refer to the German brand as Beamer and Beemer. Written by: Braden Morgan, Gustav Elijah Ahr, Phillip Whitman Elvrumīavarian Motor Works widely known as BMW, is a German luxury car brand founded in Munich, Germany that produces automobiles as well as motorcycles. Lyrics © DistroKid, SC PUBLISHING DBA SECRETLY CANADIAN PUB., Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd. I hit JGRXXN like, "What's the deal, bruh?" Okay, I pull my cash out, shawty pass out I love a girl that don't even fuckin' need a boyīaby, I'm a Beamer boy, I need a Beamer, boy I'm a motherfuckin' Schema' boy, I'm a dreamer boy I feel like I'm a no one, that's what they told me They want that drug talk, that, "I can't feel" shitĬan't let my bros down, can't let my bros down

#Beamer boy lyrics pro

You see me doin' shows now, I'm a pro nowīut they don't wanna hear that, they want that real shit I hit JGRXXN, like, "What's the deal, bruh?" Yeah, I'm in my zone now, I put my phone down

#Beamer boy lyrics

[cerberuscommissions]

Usually I like to keep my RL away from my WL, but I feel like you all deserve an update as to why my commissions are taking me a bit longer than they usually do. I’m putting it underneath a cut in case no one wants to read it, and please be cautioned of trigger warnings and for death. This isn’t to gain any sympathy at all or make excuses, I just want to update everyone because I feel like I owe it to you guys to give an explanation. 

For the past few months, I’ve been dealing with hearing issues on and off. When I was younger I would have a wax problem that would block my ear drum off and have to go to the doctor and get it removed, so I figured that’s what it was. So I tried a ear flushing kit at home and it felt like it made things worse, so I went to the doctor. It turns out I have a perforated ear drum. After a minor panic attack in the office that I was going deaf while the doctor talked to someone, it turns out that I’ll be fine and that it’ll heal. But in the meantime, it’s been a very long issue of patience, which isn’t my strong suit. It’s starting to feel a little better, but I’ll know more after my doctor’s appointment coming up.

Last week, unexpectedly my grandma’s dog got worse. After my grandmother passed we took her dog in because she had been around us so much since we had gotten her as a puppy, and for a few years she adjusted very well. Then she developed this giant cough, and when we took her to the vet for it, it turns out she had congestive heart failure. So they put her on some medication and for a while she did really well on it. Unexpectedly, she started to get worse, and ultimately when we took her to the vet, we had to make a decision for her quality of life. We know we did the right thing, but it’s still extremely sad and it’s a gigantic adjustment. 

Then, shortly after that, my own dogs started to get sick. Nothing extremely, just a stomach bug, but it’s been a lot of watching over them and making sure they’re okay. One is slightly on the up and up if we can get her to eat, but now my male is getting sick and showing the same symptoms. We think the batch of dog food we purchased either was expired or just a bad batch, and it’s given them some tummy trouble. It’s that, or it could be the stress of losing my grandma’s dog. We don’t really know and we’re trying to be patient and give them time because bad stomachs can last up to five days with what they’re having. 

TL;DR: I’m very stresso espresso lately and I’m trying to work on commissions in my free time, but there are times when I open photoshop and I just literally cannot get the inspiration. Icons have been coming a little bit easier, so if you have an icon commission it might come out sooner. Again, I’m not asking for sympathy about any of this or asking for orders to be cancelled. All I’m asking for is to please be patient and it’ll be worth the wait. Of course, if you truly feel like it’s been too long, please just message me and I’ll be more than happy to delete you off the list if you want to pull your commission out. I completely understand. 

#cerberus updates

[agirldying]

i’m making more additions to my exposee and.... wow i went through a lot

#i keep rounding up and saying like oh hey i wrote 40 pages now #its like 36 and it was 38 yesterday lol i made a ton of edits and cut things out to paste in later #it's still massively under construction which i can personally judge by the fact that i plan for it to be much larger than just 40 pages #especially if my goal is to include everything i can possibly remember from 2014 to 2015 and maybe onward as well #just to also voice the shit i had to go through after the fact #like this blog is the only leverage i have in publicizing my trauma #literally nobody from the area gives a shit about this #even though some of what happened is literally a federal crime #but its not your problem until it involves you huh new paltz #anyways #idk like i just need someone to be like #you've been through so much and you're really a trooper to have survived that because most people wouldve given up by now #but i feel like the best i can do is to just say it to myself until i dont need everyone elses reassurance #idk the whole thing about my trauma is that everyone ignored it even when it happened right in front of them so it often feels as if #the healing thing to do is to show everyone and hear everyone's sympathy so that i can make up for the sympathy i never got #but its also such an emotional burden on everyone else #aaaaa #/rant

[cheeseburgersstuff]

Hi💖Can u pls write like steve rogera x reader, where steve got badly hurt in a mission and end up lossing his memory and forget about his wife(reader) and his marriage reader tries to help him remind.. lot of angst with a happy ending please..💗

Reminisce

Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: language, mistakes, shitty plot, kinda idiot Steve (not really) a Lil bit of angst...

A/N: thank you nonnie for the ask and I'm sorry it took me so long :') and still, it's shitty...

Word Count: 2.8k

master-list.

~

You ran towards the infirmary with tears running down your face. It might be an overreaction to someone else considering how he would be just fine but you knew he was hurt. You had a weird feeling before he even went on that mission, a restlessness inside you that you couldn’t express.

The sight made you stop breathing for a moment. “Oh Steve” you whispered seeing your husband laying on the bed embraced by the wires. The right side of his face was swollen, bruised, and a nasty cut on the left side towards his lips.

He was still unconscious. Doctor Cho came out of the room. You rushed towards her.

“How’s he?” your voice, hoarse because of crying.

She sighed and looked at you with sympathy. “Can’t say anything till he becomes conscious. But you can meet him now” she said with a smile before walking off.

You entered his room with shaky legs and sat near him. He looked tired, a frown covering his face that you wanted to smooth out with your fingers. But you were too afraid to touch his injured face, your heart cleaned seeing him like that.

putting your hand on his while resting your head on the space on the bed, a fresh tear escaped your eye.

--------

You woke up feeling a hand jerking away from yours. You sat up and looked at a confused Steve.

“Hey, it’s okay,” you said trying to comfort him but he looked panicked. You went outside to call the doctor.

Steve was trying to free himself from the wires when you got back. You ran towards him to stop him.

“Hey, relax babe” you put your hands on him, causing him to stop. But before he could utter a word the doctor came in.

“Good morning captain rogers.” she greeted cheerfully coming towards him to check him up.

“What happened to me” was what he said.

The doctor kept checking his injuries. “You got severely injured on the mission. Kept everyone worried especially this lady here” she smiled, pointing towards you.

Steve frowned, his hurt hurting like hell. “What mission?” he didn’t remember going on any mission and why would you be worried about him.

“You shouldn’t be worried about me agent y/l/n”

Both you and doctor Cho exchanged looks at his words. This was getting serious.

Doctor Cho sighed and signaled you to follow her. You left a confused Steve behind and followed her.

A frown covering her face, “I think you have an idea what is happening to him.” she said, sympathy in her eyes for you.

Yes, you knew but didn’t want to accept it. When you didn’t reply she sighed explaining it to you. “He is having amnesia, most probably retrograde amnesia where he can’t remember things before the injury. We can’t say what he remembers what he doesn't but by the looks of it I think he doesn’t remember you are his wife”

“Yeah I know, he called me agent” it came out ruder than you anticipated but she understood your anger even though it wasn’t her fault.

“We will have to do CT scans to know how severe the damage is. And maybe he is going to heal soon because of the serum” she placed her hand on your shoulder. Her words soothe your worry a little bit.

“And you could help him heal too, it wouldn’t be easy though. You have to be careful not to overwhelm him with too much information” saying this she left, probably preparing for the CT scans.

With a sigh, you returned to the room. Steve was still sitting on the bed with his head in his hand. You sat down beside him, patting his shoulder gently so he wouldn’t get scared.

The soft eyes he gave you, reminded you of the time he came out of the ice. When you were assigned to guide him to cope with his new life. He had the same look when he was trying to understand how to use a smartphone and then looked at you with confusion, silently pleading for help.

He was asking for help again but this time you weren’t enjoying this, you were scared. What if he never…

“What’s the last thing you remember?” you asked softly.

“The last mission I remember is with you Nat and Rumlow, to free the hostages. But we came back, reported to fury, and then went home. That’s it” that was two years ago, a month before you two started dating.

So he doesn’t even remember us dating. You thought.

“Steve, I know it would be difficult to understand, to accept but what you remember happened two years ago.” you didn't know how much to tell him before he started to panic but for now he looked okay. Trying to take in the information.

You took the ring beside the table, they took it off his finger and showed him. “Um.. this is” you were hesitant to tell him but it was important. You showed him your hand with the wedding ring.

“We got married,” you whispered looking at him, trying to read his expressions.

You knew how emotional he was about his relationships, and suddenly knowing he was married would be a shock.

Steve took your hand in his and caressed the finger as if trying to remember but there was nothing.

Nothing, he could think off and smile. It was a bit painful to know you are married and not know anything about it. That day, your life with that person.

“Hey, it’s okay. You are going to be fine. We are going to retrieve everything back” you said his face in your hands.

You didn't know how you were going to do that or how much time would it take but right now it was important to give him hope.

He nodded and got out of your grip. Suddenly the doctor came in to take Steve for CT scans.

His ring was still in your hands, you didn’t give him, nor did he ask for it…

~

You brought Steve to your floor after the CT scans. You cleaned the bedroom especially for him considering how difficult you find cleaning your room.

There was an awkward silence between you two. You never felt this way with him even when you two didn’t start dating.

“You should change and take a rest, I’ll bring you dinner” you smiled to which he just nodded and watched you go.

It wasn’t that he didn’t like you anymore. He did like you, and with what he remembers he was thinking of asking you out but suddenly you are his wife and…

His head hurts thinking about that, so he laid on the bed thinking this all to be a dream.

~

You went to the kitchen where everyone was eating and talking. When they saw you coming they stopped and stared at you.

“I’m just here to make dinner for him. His head hurts constantly, I think he is thinking too much” you sighed. The team gave you sad smiles.

“It’s gonna be alright y/n,” nat said, coming towards you. She hugged you before you started making something for your husband.

You came back with a bowl of soup and saw him lying in bed with closed eyes but you knew he wasn’t sleeping. You sat near him and ran your fingers through his hair causing him to open his eyes. You smiled at him.

“I brought you soup, you have to take your medicines after that.” again just a nod and he took the bowl from you.

You got up and continued watching him, no glance at you, no smile, nothing. You knew you had to be patient but it still hurts seeing him behaving like a stranger.

With a sigh, you went to the bathroom to change for bed…

~

It’s been 3 weeks since lost his memories and you were trying very patiently to help. You were always there for him, wake him up with a smile, usually, you would kiss him but now everything stopped as he was distant from you. But now things were a little bit better as he would often give you a little smile. You made him his favorite food. You took him for walks and to dinner, where you two had memories.

Yesterday you took him to the restaurant where you went on your first date. You were noticing his expressions the whole time if he would get a spark of his past but there was nothing. And even if he felt something he didn’t show it. He barely showed any expressions now.

Today you were going to take him to the central park, that was where you took him first when he came out of the ice.

You personally had a lot of memories there with your family.

Maybe if you talked about the same things you did that day, that could cause an effect on him.

You sighed happily and went down the floor, to find him. He was on desk duty these days, which was funny. Considering the captain who always gave everyone else that pathetic job as a punishment, was doing it himself. And that everyone was mostly you, the favorite target of Steve Roger’s wrath.

You went towards his desk but didn’t find him there. So after asking FRIDAY you were heading towards the laboratory.

You were about to enter but stopped hearing their voices.

“I don’t know tony. It’s not like I don’t like her but…. She is being too much for me. She is always there, when I wake up I see her face, on breakfast lunch dinner. Then going to bed. And now she is taking me outside. It’s… so overwhelming.” Steve sighed.

Normally Steve Rogers didn’t babble his tensions out when anyone asked him what happened. But now when tony asked this question he couldn’t help but let out everything he was thinking for the past three weeks.

Tony gave him a sympathetic smile, “maybe you should talk to her then. Tell her she needs to give you space. She isn’t like that, Steve, she is worried too and maybe that’s why she didn’t even realize that.”

Steve considered his words and indeed before going out of the laboratory. You on the other hand left before he could.

Here you were trying so hard to help him get back to normal and he was taking you, as too much.

You marched towards your room and packed your stuff. Maybe you should shift back to your floor giving him his space back.

Well, you were being too much y/n. You thought. But for him, and if he had any problem he should have talked directly to you.

You sighed. He was normal with everyone but you, or maybe everyone was normal with him but you.

You took your bag and went back to the other floor. Now you also would try to be normal, acting as if nothing happened and wait for some miracle to heal him.

After making your old bedroom look presentable you decide to head towards the gym to let out your frustrations. But on the way you found Steve, who had the audacity to smile at you.

“Umm… I was looking for you,” he said softly. This made you even more annoyed. He was acting as if he didn’t bitched you to your friend just half an hour ago.

“Why?” he flinched at your tone which wasn’t meant to be that harsh.

“We were supposed to go for a walk” you sighed and gave him a forced smile.

“Not today Steve. I am a bit tired.” you were about to walk away but stopped.

“And Steve, I think we should stop this for some time. It must be overwhelming, huh, you know I can be too much sometimes,” you whispered the last part. He barely caught it but he heard. And watched you walk away.

~

One week passed and he was restless. You weren’t there, he barely saw you the whole day. He couldn’t even sleep at night. It wasn’t just because of the guilt of his words, it was your presence that soothes him, your warmth. Even though his mind didn’t remember his body was used to being around you.

He was in the kitchen making coffee for everyone when you walked in. and it hurt him when you didn’t even look at him and started preparing your breakfast.

“Hey, your coffee,” Steve said, passing a cup towards you.

“Steve she doesn’t drink black coffee-like, everyone” nat said looking at him.

Steve shocked his head, “no I didn’t make her—” he stopped in the middle of his sentence.

You looked towards your cup and it was filled with cream and an outrageous amount of sweetness, just like you loved your coffee.

You looked towards Steve who was giving you a nervous smile, while everyone remained silent. “Thank you” you muttered and walked out with your cup.

With a smile and happy tears in your eyes, he subconsciously made you a coffee. He remembered.

Still, that didn’t mean you are going to be on friendly terms with him.

~

The mission was successful but tiring, you were returning in the jet with Tony nat and clint. Sitting in a corner you smiled lightly thinking about the moments before going to the missions.

Steve came to you, “be safe” that’s what he whispered before giving you a peck on the cheek, hesitantly. As if you would slap his face hard for kissing you.

You chuckled before closing your eyes to take a nap…

~

He was sitting at the desk doing his work when Sherline? What was her name? Came to him with a more than a friendly smile. She was a new receptionist always needing help with stuff especially when Steve is around. She bent down when you walked in with a file on the mission.

Not again… that was what you thought. You knew what he must be on his display by the flustered face and the way he was averting his eyes.

He smiled hesitantly before trying to explain whatever that recipient girl was asking him.

“Captain Rogers” you called, with authority causing both of them to look at you. The girl instantly straightened and walked away before greeting you. Your eyes followed her as she went away before coming back to him.

The look of disappointment you gave him, reminded Steve of a memory, somewhere deep inside his head.

“Captain Rogers” your voice was stern as you looked at Sharon and then Steve. She was there for some work Fury asked her to do, and also got a chance to see Steve as well. You were annoyed from a hectic mission after a week to submit your report and seeing them together annoyed you even more.

“Hey y/n” Sharon greeted with a smile which you returned with your forced one. You marched towards steve and threw your file on the desk.

“Report,” you said before walking away.

With the same look of disappointment, you came near him and threw your file. Steve looked like a kicked puppy when he looked up.

“Report” the voice seemed like it was coming from a distance. He was watching you go away and involuntarily called your name.

“y/n” he kept calling but you didn’t stop. He left Sharon there and ran towards you. He grabbed your arm, causing you to turn. “What?” you spat…

He remembered, he remembered what he said after that, your wrist in his hand and you, still thinking what the fuck he wants?

“Will… will you go out with me” the words left his mouth. He suddenly smiled looking at your expressions. Your eyes got wet, while you chuckled.

“You..”

“Just a little bit” he whispered.

He took your hands in his, “look y/n I’m sorry about those words. I was just” but you stopped him. “I understand,” you smiled sadly. “Doctor Cho warned me not to be overwhelmed. I just got too much, I know”

“Will you give me another chance, will you help me with this?” he asked.

“Of course babe,” you said before giving him a long-overdue hug. It felt so good to feel him against you after so long, his arms wrapped around you. Now he felt like your husband.

“Now can you give me my ring back?” he said, showing you his empty hand.

“Hmm, lemme think about it. Think if you even deserve it or not” you said squinting your eyes at him.

He pretended to be wounded at your words only to receive a scoff from you. You turned and walked away leaving him there alone.

“Buy me dinner first, then I’ll decide” you shouted behind you, causing the captain to smile shyly.

#chris evans x reader #steve rogers x reader #chris evans #captain america #steve rogers #marvel #captain america x reader

[morgansunflower]

Momma Bat 2/2

Requested by @animefan3223

Batman/Bruce Wayne X Wife! Reader

Batmom! Reader

Warnings: character injury. Angst.

Words:1075

Batmom recovering from a injury. Her new adopted son is recovering from a broken heart

Pic below is a moodboard I made for the story! I do not own the pics!

Duke's P. O. V

I don't understand what went wrong? I thought everything was going so well. What did I miss? After Ana broke up with me, I went to the first person I knew somehow could make everything better. I was willing to take the bullet. I should be the one unconscious in the E. R, but I'm not.. I still remember the look on her face, sympathy, kindness. I feel so horrible. Why did she do that? I sit on the roof of my home aka Wayne Manor. Bruce made me come home to rest up. I feel the brisk wind hit my face. Dinner was depressing no one said anything or I was so wrapped up in my head, I couldn't hear. Bruce said mom's been through worse. How is that supposed to make me feel better? How can my life get more messed up? I should have known.. It was only a matter of time until everything fell apart again. I crouched up more feeling my gut sink.

"hey" Cassandra said

"hey" I sighed

She sat next to me laying her head on my shoulder.

"sorry" she softly said

I knew what she meant. "sorry" that I had to watch mom in such pain, for me and that things didn't work out between Ana and I.

"got room for one more?" Dick asked

He sat next to the available spot beside me. He placed his hand on my back, with his knees bent upward. I had lied to them saying that I was on a date with Ana. Now, she doesn't even to be with me.

"so everyone knows, huh?" I ask forcing my throat not to shake

"yeah, detective training and all that. You get used to it"

"great" I sighed again

I rest my chin on my arms further crouched. I hate this.

"Bruce said, Mom will be discharged day after tomorrow. He's here now" he scoffed with a half chuckle "I've got Damian guarding your door. He'll hold off Bruce until you're ready for the post-break pep talk. It's a doozy.. Besides mom is a lot better.. with well, everything"

"want to talk?" Cass asks laying her head on my shoulder

"no" I stutter under my breath, it's so hard to control myself.

"ok" she replied

I'm about to break "she wants to be friends. How am I supposed to go back to that after everything?"

"it's OK to need space. You're allowed to give yourself time to heal" Dick said

Holding myself tighter, I couldn't stop the tears. "it doesn't feel like it'll ever get better"

"it will, promise" Cass said

I started crying more uncontrollably "I should be the one in the hospital, not her"

Dick put his hand on my back as I cried "mom is gonna be OK. In the meantime, we've got you, Duke. We're here" I just want mom. She must be in so much pain.

Y/N's P. O. V

I hear slow but consistent beeping. I then feel intense pain in my shoulder blade. I groan and then remember the bullet that went through my shoulder. Duke! My husband? The kids? Alfred? How long have I been unconscious?

"Y/N" Bruce softly said

I open my eyes to see, my handsome husband. He lovingly kisses my forehead.

"how are my children? Alfred?" I ask softly with a soft wince

"their safe but concerned for you. Alfred is insisting that you are grounded for a month" I chuckled softly, so protective. Bruce's face drops sympathetically

"what?" I ask with a worried tone

He grunted "Duke and his girlfriend are no longer together"

"Aww no!" my heart sinks. I try to get up but my husband stops me

"no" he ordered

I scoff laying back down "is he OK?"

Bruce grunts "I would know if your children would trust me"

I hold my smile back, I then sigh "I need to see him, I need to see all of my family"

He kisses my lips and then parts "I know"

With my injured shoulder bandaged and in a sling I sit in the back seat with Damian. Bruce driving to the Manor. Dami had his head rested on my uninjured arm. It was when less eyes would see that, he'd show any affection to me. As Bruce parked in the garage.

"do not open the door!" Damian demanded

"ok sweetie" I replied

"tt, I hate it when you call me that!"

Damian swiftly moved away from me and opened my door. He holds my hand helping me out.

"thanks kiddo"

We step inside "MOM'S HOME!!" I'm instantly hugged by Stephanie. I chuckled kissing her head

"I'm glad you're home"

"me too sweetie" I said softly

Cass runs in "mom" she smiled.

She hugged me gently. I rub her back and kiss her forehead. As we part Dick, Jason and Tim run in. They each smile.

"I'm the oldest I hug her first!" Dick says hugging me first.

"I hugged her first I'm the favorite!" Stephanie exclaimed

"tt you fool's I was with her first therefore I am her favorite" Damian proudly proclaimed

Barbara then rolls in with a, relieving smile.

"it's good to have you all home" I smile to myself. "where's Duke?"

Dick let go's of me "he's been taking a note from Timbers and been a shut in for the last day"

"hey!" Tim offended to Dick's statement, while hugging me.

Then my tallest son bends his knees and hugs me carefully. I hold Babs hand firmly, still remembering when she was not in her wheelchair. I depart from my family to find my missing child. I step up the stairs. I knock on his door gently.

"Duke.. Duke honey it's me, are you ok?" I take a deep breath "I heard what happened.. I just want you to know that I am here for you, I can give you space if you--" the door opens, Duke clings to me carefully "oh kiddo"

He began to cry in my arm. I sympathetically kiss his forehead.

"it hurts mom, you should not have done that"

I rest my cheek on his head and gently rock side to side.

"I know, I'm so sorry about what happened to you. Now you listen to me... I'm going to get hurt sometimes. It's inevitable but I am not going anywhere. I will be right here for every low and every high, in your life"

#Bruce Wayne X Wife! Reader #Bruce Wayne X Reader #Batman X Reader #Batmom #Batmom! Reader #Batman:Wayne Family Adventures #Hurt #Heartbreak #Angst #Comfort #Crying #Duke Thomas #Dick Grayson #Cassandra Cain #Bruce Wayne #Damian Wayne #Stephanie Brown #Barbara Gordon #Tim Drake #Jason Todd #Character injury #batfam #alfred pennyworth

[xreaderbooks]

Two sides (2)

Pair: ACOTAR Azriel x reader

Word Count: 3.6k

Warnings: Language, implied smut

Summary: Y/N has been in love with Cassian for centuries now, Just how Azriel has been with Mor. Both heartbroken by their unrequited love they fall into a routine of 'one-night stands', Not realizing their each others mate.

Masterlist - Part 1

A/N: So I dont know how accurate the mate information is, like I said before I haven’t read the ACOTAR series since 2019 so I probably got a couple things wrong or didn’t write the characters the way you would expect them to act. I chose to make them more how they would be in head canons if you get what I mean. Either way I really hope you enjoyed the 2nd and final part to Two sides :) Feel free to send requests for Azriel or any other Acotar characters. Thank you all for the support <3

"We need to talk."

"Okay," Azriel says skeptically, he walks over to sit on the chair across from you.

"I wanted to apologize for the other night," You shifted in your seat as you spoke, you were noticeably uncomfortable. That bothered Azriel, he wanted you to feel natural not forced, he didn't know where that desire came from but it was true. Even if this conversation was a bit awkward. "I never meant to make you feel used, I guess, I just needed a distraction."

"From seeing Cassian and Nesta together?" He asked. You bit your lip and nodded. "Y/N, I didn't feel used." He let out a small chuckle. "I enjoyed it, actually. And a bit flattered that you chose to-" He coughed awkwardly, "share that part of yourself with me." You grinned. You eased up a bit after knowing that Azriel didn't feel bad about what happened the other night, and even enjoyed it. It also warmed your heart at the fact that this was one of the rare moments that he felt comfortable enough to talk about how he was feeling. Despite it probably being out of sympathy or to defuse the tension.

"Oh," You chirped "well good. The last thing I wanted to do was fuck up our friendship."

He shook his head, "Y/N you've done a lot in the past few centuries that could've fucked up this friendship and we're still okay, better than okay considering. Besides Mor and I are still friends even after..." He tensed up, you went over to him and hesitantly put your hand on top of his.

"I know." You gave him a small smile. "I have an idea, I'll admit it's not my brightest but it will benefit the both of us."

His eyebrow quirked, "Your ideas are never the brightest, that's why you're just my second."

"Okay, wow." You blinked, removing your hand, and started pacing around the room. "First Rhys made me your second because I'm good at my job and you're just better cause of your shadows." He glared at you when you made the comment about his shadows. "Two, I've had a couple of good ideas in the past you just never go through with them."

"Maybe it's because all your ideas are reckless and we'd get caught if we did our job by using your so-called good ideas." He got up to meet you when you turned around to face the other way, you were met by his chest in your way.

You huffed when you looked up at him. "Whatever, I'm pretty sure you were going to like this one." He gave a nod to continue. "I- you know what I think it's better if I just show you."

He cocked his head to the side. You took this as an opportunity to grab him by the back of his neck and slammed your lips onto his. Immediately after he put his hands on your waist, pulling you closer. He started walking backward, leading you towards one of the bedrooms. Your foreheads pressed together but you paused from kissing him, catching your breath. You knew he could hear your heartbeat, beating quicker by the second, his heart was beating faster too. It gave you all the encouragement you needed to start taking off your clothes.

"So this was your bright idea," Azriel asked, while also hurriedly taking off his clothes.

"Mhm." Was your response before nodding and relocating your lips onto his.

The intensity of it made your heart stutter. You wanted him and at that moment he wanted you. He truly wanted you, you both felt it and took that feeling, using it to fuel the passion in that kiss. He moved down to your neck, nipping and biting at it. You moved your hand to slowly graze his wings, which made him freeze. Azriel gave you a look that made your body go on overdrive.

He picked you up, you wrapped your legs around his waist as he continued to "eat your neck" as Cassian had said all those days before. You rolled your eyes at the thought, but then they rolled back as Azriel bit at a sensitive area that intensified that already intoxicating feeling you got when you were with him.

And you wished it never ended.

~~~

"How do you feel about this?" You asked, hoping he'd be okay with it. So far he hadn't opposed.

"I don't want to hurt you." He confessed. You knew he meant physically, he could be a little rough sometimes. You were okay with that though, You rolled your eyes at his comment.

"I'm serious Y/N." He looked you in the eye. You were back at the training grounds of the Illyrian camp. You didn't specify any details, so you both didn't care about speaking in public.

"I'm a big girl, I think I can handle it." You began to walk ahead of him, He grabbed your forearm and pulled you back to face him, a hint of a smile on your face. "Only if you're sure."

Your smile faded once you saw that he was genuinely concerned. "Az, you wouldn't hurt me. I trust you."

He froze and let you go. He had a hard time letting people see how he was feeling but you could tell he was struggling with letting you in and his self-deprecation.

~~~

You had kept your secret "relationship" hidden from everyone else, as much as you could. It didn't take long. They were extremely nosy and it was difficult with Mor being your best friend. She always knew when you were lying and had insisted you were acting differently. You would always blow it off and say you had a good day, telling a random story you just thought of on the spot.

Cassian had continued to tease you about your secret lover-- which only intrigued Mor even further-- you avoided the truth most of the time. You and Azriel would be extra careful when doing what you did. Sometimes even going to Inns and you would both winnow to the location.

Going through all that trouble only for Amren to find out and threaten to tell the others. She tried to blackmail you into buying her a pure diamond bracelet. As if she couldn't afford it yourself. You talked to Azriel about it and you both decided you didn't care if anyone else knew, it's only a matter of time before they found out anyway. Plus you could use the money to buy a house somewhere private in Velaris. You enjoyed the privacy and lack of teasing for as long as it lasted.

Amren didn't tell but as you predicted, everyone did find out. Some already had suspicions like Mor, Rhys, and Feyre. Amren wouldn't have known if she hadn't caught you both and Cassian never would have thought. You'd be lying if you said you weren't disappointed at him not showing any sign of jealousy. You knew he wouldn't be, being caught up with Nesta and all but you still held hope. You considered yourself a fool and would try to fuck the feelings out of you with Azriel. And most of the time it worked.

~~~

Months went by as sleeping with your best friend became your new normal. You never would have thought that you'd be one of those mysterious girls that Azriel hooked up with, ever since that night, you were the only girl. You had to admit, you liked the idea; being Azriel's only girl. But you knew that although you would be the only girl in his bed, Mor will always be on his mind. Not that you blamed him, you were still somewhat hung up on Cassian. After you can't get rid of 500+ years of feelings.

As you laid next to Azriel, who now stayed nights instead of leaving right after, You admired his tattoos, the intricate designs, you fought the urge to trace them. You did anyways but only a centimeter away from his chest so you wouldn't wake him. In the morning light that slipped through a slight gap in your curtains, It shone right on him. He looked ethereal.

You always knew he was attractive most Illyrian men were, at least if they weren't assholes most of the time. You had time now, to actually take in his beauty. You could never understand how someone so beautiful and kind could be so broken. You guessed that's why you chose him to spend your nights with, instead of some random guy. You could help him and heal him and get him to appreciate himself more.

The shadows around him became more active, it made him tense up. He was awake. You lifted your hand up to up to move the stray hair that fell onto his face. At that moment, you felt your world shift an overwhelming sensation of love and adoration consumed your body and you snatched your hand away from him. You were in pure shock.

'Holy fuck' Was the only thing going through your head.

"What's wrong?"He questioned as if he could sense your distress. His voice hoarse from just waking up.

"Nothing." You said, immediately getting up and getting dressed in whatever you had closest to you. "You should, um, You should get going. I have a lot of reports to do, I've been holding them off but Rhys has been asking me for them for the longest so I should get on it."

Azriel sat up, the bed sheet covering one leg and another part. His perfectly sculpted body in your bed, the lighting, half of his leg uncovered by the blanket. You tried to compose yourself to figure out what you would do. Hoping that he didn't pick up on how different you were acting. It was no use he probably already expected something was up.

To try to ease the tension you sat next to him, brushing the hair out of his face, dragging your fingertips down to the side of his face, and kissed his cheek. You ignored the tingles you felt as his face nuzzled into your hand. Hesitantly, you remove your hand and got up from the bed, and sat at the desk you had in your room. You pretended to read through old letters from officials.

Azriel took that as his cue to leave. He got dressed and pressed a kiss to the back of your head before he left.

He definitely knew something, that's not how your mornings usually go. You would at least spend an hour or two together either talking or enjoying each other's presence before sending each other off to your respective duties. However due to your new discovery of Azriel being your mate. You panicked. What would you do now?

~~~

Hours had passed and you hadn't left your room, choosing to focus on the reports that you did in fact, have to do. Rhys just wasn't expecting them for another week or so. Mor then busted into your room. "Knock, knock bitch."

"Uh, hello gorgeous, didn't expect a lovely visit from you today." You said sarcastically, turning your chair to face her. She dropped the shopping bags onto your floor. You lifted a brow in question.

"We're going on a trip!"

"I'm busy." You turned back around to focus on what you were writing.

"It's a fun work one." You twisted your chair around again.

"How do you mean?"

"Day court gala, bonding with people, gaining trust, and all that." She waved it off as if you didn't need to know actual information. You decided you'd ask for details from Rhysand later.

"And you went shopping." You gestured to all of the bags. "like you don't have tons of outfits you could take."

"Well of course I do. These are for you." She grinned.

"W-what?"

"Just because you're supposed to be invisible and all that, doesn't mean you have to be like that all the time." She referred to your job description, being another spy for Rhysand, relying on you being a woman to get information from people Azriel couldn't. Kind of ridiculous considering Azriel's shadows allowed him to get all the information needed but it was an easy enough job. Unlike Az, you didn't have shadows to command so you stuck to your black outfits tunics, and suits that would help you move easily. You never really dressed up, unless it was for an occasion, but you enjoyed doing it when you could. Most of the time you would be on duty or something like it so you couldn't.

This Gala gave you the perfect excuse too. You were thankful to Mor for having bought you these dresses and accessories. You were pretty sure you had worn all the dresses you had in your closet already.

"Yeah, you're right." You gave her a half-smile. Part of you wondered what Azriel's reaction would be to you in one of these revealing dresses. You shook the thought from your head. You would dress for yourself not for some male, even if that male is your mate.

You debated whether to tell Mor or not. She might be able to help you with your internal battle. Part of you was hurt about Cassian not being your mate. Another part always knew that he wasn't, and another part of you wondered how Azriel would react. Did he feel the bond snap into place? Or was it a Feyre-Rhysand situation where the bond would snap into place at another moment? Would he reject you cause you weren't Mor?

You opted to tell Mor at the day court where you would have more space and privacy from the others.

~~~

Helion's words about uniting and bonding were very heartwarming and kind, but you couldn't get past the thoughts that swarmed your mind. You took advantage of this time with everyone listening to Helions welcoming speech and sneakily made your way over to where Mor was standing. You pretended to greet her with a kiss and whispered in her ear to meet you in the room you were staying at.

"Thank the cauldron you came along, Helion was droning on and was about to make me fall asleep." She joked as she sauntered into your room. She paused her amused tone as soon as she saw your face. "You were fine like two minutes ago."

"Glad to know, I'm good at hiding it." You forced a smile. She tilted her head as if to ask you 'what's wrong', so you told her. You told her that Azriel was your mate and how it happened. You told her of your fears of rejection and confusion with your love for Cassian. It was a different love now, you felt it. There was a shift in what you felt towards Cassian and more intense feelings for Azriel. You suspected the bond but you didn't mind it. You then opened up about your insecurity about him rejecting you for her. Which she shut down, though she knew what you meant.

"Mor, Azriel loves you, like I loved Cassian. What if his love for you is stronger and he refuses to let go. We all know the only reason he never went for you is his trouble with his self-worth." Those were harsh words, but they were true. "He could easily reject me for you, knowing you don't love him in that way."

"You don't know that Y/N. And you loved Cassian, probably as much as Azriel loved me. After all this time you spent together, you truly don't think he would have changed the way he feels for me?" She grabbed your hand in hers. "You and Azriel are like two sides of the same coin, he's all dark and brooding and you, well you're the same in some ways. But you bring out the light and you can cast out all of his darkness with a simple smile."

"I don't know." You whispered. You were scared. Your feelings for Azriel already began to grow, without the bond, with it in place now it was strengthened. Your feelings for Cassian was a background noise that would soon grow into a more familial type of love.

"What should I do Mor?" You whimpered, you put your face in your hands. "I feel like a girl with a crush. This is ridiculous."

She laughed and nodded. "Yes, yes it is. On the bright side, if he doesn't know about you being mates, you could still have fun with other people."

You gave her a look. "You forget that he's my designated person to 'have fun' with."

"I didn't know you had a conversation on exclusivity." She shrugged and walked over to the cart that had alcoholic drinks, at the corner of the room.

"Technically we did when we agreed to sleep with each other when we felt like it." You reasoned.

"Hm." She mused, sipping on her drink. "I still say enjoy tonight, dance with a few males, or females, and if you two end up having sex with him again just enjoy the time you have with him."

"Thanks for the talk, Mor."

"Of course darling, by the way, I highly doubt he'll reject you. If he does he's an idiot and I'll kill him." She sent a wink your way and left you in your room to think.

~~~

Azriel watched as you swayed your hips to the beat of the music. A man who he didn't know came up from behind you, keeping up with you. That was the first of many. He felt a twinge of jealousy in his gut. He attempted to force that emotion down. He couldn't understand where that was coming from.

He was keeping watch, even though he always made sure to keep a lookout for danger to his court. Mor and Cassian tried to get him to ease up, he didn't budge. Who would pry Cassian from more liquor when he's had enough to drink if Azriel wasn't sober? He used the excuse of being the only responsible one to keep an eye on her. Y/n, Azriel thought he knew what it was to love someone because of Mor but what Azriel felt for Y/N was different. It felt raw and real and whatever it was, was growing fast. She was easy to talk to, not that he did much of that but she listened, actually listened when he did, and she didn't pry or hover as much as the others. They tend to beat around the bush when wanting to know about what was going on with him. Unlike Y/N who would take her time to make sure he felt comfortable and if, he wasn't, she would change the topic and act normal.

Y/N was a calming presence that allowed him to just be. She brought out another side of him that he thought he could never be.

That's why when he felt a change in the way he saw her dancing with a new guy than the one she was with earlier, it all made sense. She was his mate. He saw red as he practically flew to where they were. The fae males' hands that were roaming your bonds were ripped away from you and he dragged him away. Azriel pinned the man against the wall. People began to stare and talk in hushed whispers, appalled at the sight.

"Never touch my mate, again." He growled. He dug his fingers into the guy's neck.

"I-I didn't know." The man choked out.

"Well, now you do." He muttered, letting the man slump to the ground. He went over to where you were standing, eyes wide. His eyes softened while looking at you. He slowed as he got to you. "Can we talk?"

You nodded your head and began to walk toward an empty hall.

"I'm sorry if I scared you." He kept his voice low but soft. He was afraid, you would want to run away.

"You didn't." You stood there staring at him. You tried to figure him out, to no avail. His face was always stoic. "I- I thought you'd reject me and now I don't know what to do." You confessed.

"You knew?" He tried to recall if you had acted any differently. His shadows had felt the change in your demeanor and set out in whispers when you were rushing him out. He brushed it off, he should've looked more into it. The last thing he wanted to do was to make you feel unwanted or rejected.

"Since yesterday morning." You confirmed. Your anxiety consumed you, you heard of the pain that came along with being rejected by your mate. Some have died from it. Little did you know Azriel was worrying about the same exact thing. Not thinking himself worthy enough of your affection. He allowed himself the pleasure of being in bed with you, assuming it was nothing more and he couldn't get hurt you or be hurt that way. It was a release from another pain you both had the displeasure of feeling.

"I want you to know it is an honor to have you as my mate." He took a step closer.

"Really? Honestly, I thought..." You shook your head. "Nevermind."

He looked confused but let it go, if you wanted to tell him you would. "Guess this means I have to go cook you something." You let out a laugh. He smiled an actual wide beautiful smile. Azriel grabbed your face and kissed you.

It was soon interrupted by a very drunk Mor who shouted, "Finally!"

Cassian was right behind her, "Mor! I forgot where the bathroom was, can y-" He paused looking between you and Azriel. "Oooh getting freaky in the hall, that's new. Hey Y/N if he isn't hitting it right, you know where to find me." He winked at you. Azriel gave him a murderous look, putting his arm in front of you. 'So he's gonna be one of those', you thought.

You couldn't wait till the second part of the mating process.

Tags: @wildchild2707​ ,@theworthlessqueen​ ,@ciciakai​ ,@rockinginneverland​

#azriel acotar x reader #azriel x reader #azriel x you #azriel x y/n #acotar imagines #acomaf #acowar #acosf #cassian x reader #cassian x y/n #nesta x cassian #morrigan #feyre x rhysand #rhysand #amren #velaris #shadow singer x reader #shadowsinger #azriel x reader smut #feyre archeron #feysand #acotar x reader

[incorrect-encanto-quotes]

What the Madrigals Have Taught Me(from my most to least favorite)

Isabela: To never hide who I truly am for anybody, not to seek scraps of others' approval and try to fit their expectations, not to worry if I'll ever measure up, that there are many ways of expressing your own femininity that are all valid, that chlorokinesis is cool! 

Dolores: That true love will come eventually, that my hair is cute, that sometimes I don't need to tell everyone everything I hear because it could be detrimental, but other things might be urgent and I need to tell someone RIGHT AWAY! Also, if my cousin is engaged to a man that I love but she doesn't, sabotage that shit. 

Mirabel: To not feel like the black sheep, not everything is my fault, others might see the worst in me but that doesn't necessarily mean I did anything wrong, just because someone looks a certain way on the surface doesn't mean I should dismiss them as shallow and they deserve sympathy and to be listened to, too. That sometimes I will feel left out and like an outcast, but it's important to pick myself up again and maintain my sense of individuality and self-confidence. 

Camilo: That I'm truly blessed to have a sister instead of a brother. Be who I am and don't change myself for anybody, to develop a clear picture of my identity, that it's important to find myself, laugh once in a while, don't take everything too seriously, always ask for seconds. Also, theatre is cool. 

Luisa: Being strong isn't mutually exclusive to being feminine. Don't carry the weight of the world on my shoulders, it's okay to not always be capable of doing everything and to ask for help. Being the older sister means I'll often have more responsibilities and expectations placed upon me than my younger sister, but doesn't mean I have to be able to do everything. Take a chill pill and relax, don't let myself be consumed by stress. Everyone deserves a breather. 

Pepa: It's okay to express your emotions. It's also okay to be a hopeless romantic. Never be afraid to express yourself and speak your mind boldly. 

Julieta: Being soft, gentle, and kind, is not a bad thing, nor is it weakness. Also, being able to cook is a pleasurable gift and should be cherished and valued more than it currently is. There's also nothing wrong with being a housewife(I still want to work, but still.). 

Agustin: Fathers are supposed to support their daughters, and love them unconditionally! Even if she doesn't live up to familial expectations, that doesn't make her any lesser and she is fine exactly the way she is! 

Abuela: Trauma can do unspeakable things to a person. It's important to show them sympathy and let them heal. Still, that doesn't justify spreading your trauma to others. Things won't get better right away, but they will eventually, if you just put in enough effort. 

Felix: Always be supportive of and stand behind the one you love, don't invalidate their feelings, and make them feel like they're somebody you can trust. 

Antonio: Communication is key, I guess. Also, it's important to be empathetic to those who aren't given enough recognition and appreciation. When everyone else makes them feel worthless, unneeded and unloved, be that one person who reaches out to them and says, "I need you." And they'll do the same for you! 

Bruno: Similar to Mirabel above. Also, sometimes you feel left out and like you don't belong with the rest of your family, but deep down inside they really do love you and want you to be okay. And there's always somebody looking out for you. 

-----

SO TRUE PERSON WHO SUBMITTED THIS!

#submission

[voidsbabe]

Lost memories

Pairing: Stiles x reader

Characters: Stiles, Lydia, Malia, Scott, Allison

Word count: 2.2k

Summary: Stiles and y/n have been dating for a few years but y/n got in an accident and lost all of her memories. Now Stiles and rest of the pack are trying to get her memories back and help her feel happy and like myself again

Warnings: car accident scene, English isn’t my first language so please ignore some grammar mistakes etc

Masterlist

——————-|

“She’s fine. She’s stable right now, but she needs to rest” says Mellisa, looking at me, Scott, Malia, Allison and Lydia. I let out the air I’ve been holding for so long. Thank God. “But Stiles, due to that accident there were some changes in her memory…she’s probably not gonna remember the last 3 years of her life. I’m sorry.” That’s the last thing I remember because right after that all I could hear was “she’s not gonna remember you” over and over in my head. I don’t know what happened after that and how I got to my house. All I know is that we all agreed not to tell who I was to Y/N before the accident.

“Are you going?” asks Lydia, pulling me out of my thoughts. I look at her and nod. “Yeah, I will be there in a second”.

It was a car accident. At least that’s what the doctor has told you when you woke up. He told you that you lost 3 years of your life. It will eventually come back to you, but you don’t know when and how. Sometimes the healing process can take years. After everything that has happened everyone at school were looking at you with that sympathy and sadness in their eyes. Shortly after that they stopped looking at all but for your own comfort you stayed at home most of the time. Two months went by. You are living with Scott’s mom and him due to that car accident. You lost your parents in it and Mellisa took care of you after that accident. Thankfully she wasn’t the only one.

You have your friends who are currently approaching you with some weird book in their hands. Ever since you woke up they were trying to get your memories back.

“Hey Y/N, how do you feel today?” asks Scott looking at you with a big smile.

“Better, thanks. Um guys, can you tell me about the accident one last time? Please. Maybe it will trigger my memories.” you say hoping they will do that one more time. Stiles glances at you and nods. You knew he was the one who found your car.

“Sure Y/N. Um, you were going to Lydia’s house for her birthday party. Your dad was driving and when he was about to take the left turn, a drunk driver hit on you guys. The force of the hit was so strong that you hit a tree. I was driving on that road and when I pulled over you were unconscious and your parents…well they didn’t make it.” says Stiles and looks down. You take a deep breath and lick your lips.

“Thank you Stiles. Well, it looks like I remember that, but it’s hidden somewhere in my memory. I remember going somewhere with my parents, but that’s all.”

Lydia gets up and comes closer to hug you “Don’t torture yourself with that, honey. You will get your memories back. We promise.”

You wipe a few tears from your cheeks and look at them “What’s that? That book.”

Allison smiles and gives you the book which happens to be an album with some photos of you and the rest of the pack.

“It’s a gift for you. We made an album with every picture we had of us all together from campings, parties and many more and we are more than happy to tell you about everything.” says Malia smiling. You open the album on the first picture which shows the six of you sitting on the bench in front of your High School. You are sitting next to Stiles who’s making a really stupid face. You point at that picture and look at them “When did we take this one?” you ask. Scott grunts “It was a picture day and Malia was complaining that Stiles is ruining every picture of her that Lydia takes. Stiles was being a goofball and kept annoying Malia so we proposed to take the picture of all of us and you were feeling down so Stiles made a stupid face, showed it to you and then the camera took the photo so that’s why he looks like a total idiot on that picture.”

Everyone laughs and looks at Stiles “Oh shut up. I look awesome. You better look at the next picture of Malia and you Y/N. Malia looks like a Grinch there.” he smirks. You look at the next picture and laugh “Malia really does look here like a Grinch” you say and admire the picture of you hugging Malia and making some stupid faces. Malia smiles and hugs you. You turn the page and see a picture of you and Stiles at a party painting with neon paint on each other’s bodies. You look at Stiles with questioning eyes. He starts to laugh and sits next to you on bed “well Y/N we all went to that party that Danny and Ethan threw and me and you we just covered our bodies with that fluorescent neon paint and you got pretty wasted. I remember that you were dancing on the table and all the attention was on you so Danny got mad and he just kicked us out so I took you from that table.” You look at them shocked “guys…I remember this one. I remember that after we got kicked we were dancing and screaming on the street till Stiles’s dad hadn’t “arrested” us for disorderly intoxication because that old lady called the cops on us.”

Everyone looks at you surprised. Lydia breaks the silence as the first one “that’s exactly what happened” she says and smiles “You remember”.

“I’m sorry. I will be back in a second. I need some air” says Stiles and leaves your room. Scott follows him. You look at them leaving a little confused. Allison smiles and says “Don’t worry. Remember that Stiles has been having some panic attacks? He probably needs to take some deep breaths due to anxiety. He will be back in a minute”. You just nod and continue looking at other pictures.

“Dude, are you ok?” asks scott looking worried at Stiles. Stiles looks at him with tears in his eyes “No, I’m not and you know why? Because of that party. That night…it was the night that I realized I’m in love with her. I realized that she’s my everything and that I want to be with her”.

Scott sighs and hugs Stiles “It will be ok Stiles. She’s gonna remember everything soon. I promise. You will get her back.”

Stiles bites his lips “I just really miss her. I miss her smile, her touch and how her eyes sparkle when she says she loves me. I really miss that. Just everything reminds me of her. Of us. And knowing that she has no clue she’s my girlfriend…it just breaks my heart. I’m devastated and nothing can change that”.

Scott looks at Stiles “Go home Stiles. You need to rest”. Stiles nods and goes to his jeep “Yeah, that’s probably a good idea”. Few moments later Scott comes back to the house.

“Where is Stiles?” you ask, looking at Scott a little sad.

“um, he’s not feeling good so he came back home”

“oh” you murmur and look around. You sigh “Thank you. All of you. For everything you are doing to help me remember. I think I need to spend some time alone now if you don’t mind. I’m a little overwhelmed”.

Malia, Lydia and Allison hug you and leave while Scott gives you a little kiss on the cheek “I will be downstairs. If you need anything just yell.”

You stay alone in the room. You sigh and lay down with a head full of thoughts. Few moments later you fall asleep.

“Why the hell are we at school at 2 am, Stilinski? I swear If this is some stupid prank I will kill you and say that it was some animal attack” you say looking at Stiles. He just smirks and looks at you with a face that literally says ‘you ain’t got the balls to do that’. You roll your eyes. Stiles comes to you from behind and covers your eyes with his hands. He leans and whispers “Go forward. Don’t worry. I will guide you and I swear you aren’t gonna end up on the nearest wall”.

You just trusted him and like five minutes later you entered a room.

“Keep it close till I say you can open your eyes” he whispers and leaves you.

“Fine” you answer with a smile.

“Ok, open your eyes” you hear.

Your jaw drops in surprise. You are in a gym and right before your eyes you see a big shiny banner that says SCHOOL DANCE? and Stiles holding like fifty roses.

“Will you go to that school dance with me?” he asks while approaching you. You giggle and say yes as Stiles is giving you roses. Right after that he kisses you…

You wake up even more confused than you were before going to sleep. Was that another memory or just some weird dream? You shake your head trying to get rid of that dream and suddenly it hits you. You know how to trigger your memories to come back! You take your phone and text to Stiles.

To: Stiles

I had a really weird dream, but I have to test my theory. Please be here in 5.

You hit send and get up. Shortly after your text, Stiles appears at your door.

“What’s going on?” he asks, confused and worried.

You inhale and look at him “Let me drive” you say.

“No way Y/N. I’m not letting you drive.” he says immediately.

“Please Stiles. I wanna remember and just please do that for me” you say looking at him with those puppy eyes. He rolls his eyes and sighs “Fine”.

You get into his jeep and start driving.

“Wow Y/N, we can’t drive that road. That’s exactly the road when you had your accident.” says Stiles afraid and looks at you “Y/N you are driving way too fast. Slow down. Y/N!! SLOW DOWN!” You hear and there everything is coming back. You press the brake and pull over. You get out of the car into the street feeling every memory coming back to you. It gives you a massive headache and the last thing you see is some light and Stiles pushing you from the road.

“What happened?” ask Mellisa, taking you from Stiles’s arms.

“She was driving because she wanted to trigger her memories to come back and suddenly she was on the road and it looked like she was having a panic attack. I pushed her from the road and that’s when she just fainted. I think she might have felt overwhelmed and I-I don’t know what happened” says Stiles, nearly crying.

“Wow Stiles you need to calm down otherwise you will have a panic attack soon. Try to relax and think about something else. Come here” says Mellisa and hugs Stiles while telling other doctors what happened.

“Stiles, listen to me. They are gonna give her nootropics and psychiatric medication which are going to improve her brain function and make her numb for some time, but you have to be here for her because she’s going to be sleeping now, but if she triggered her mind she will remember everything after waking up” says Mellisa and looks at Stiles.

You feel like coming back to real life was just heartbreaking. The first thing you noticed was a huge pounding in your head. When you opened your eyes, Stiles was there.

“Oh my god, you woke up” he says looking at you really concerned.

“You didn’t tell me I’m your girlfriend” you say with tears.

Stiles looks down avoiding your eyes.

“I thought it would be for the best. I’m sorry” he says in a hoarse voice. “I’m so sorry we didn’t tell you. I thought it might be shocking news for you so I’ve kept it from you. I shouldn’t have done that. You have no idea how scared I was today about you. Um, the pack is here and they are worried too so maybe I will get them”

You nod and Stiles gets up from his chair and goes to get others here.

Lydia, Malia and Allison hug you crying and Scott kisses your cheek “We’re so happy that everything is ok. We were so worried” says Scott and smiles seeing your and Stiles holding hands “Turns out we shouldn’t have”.

You smile and wipe tears from your cheeks.

“I love you guys” you say.

“We love you too” answers Malia “but it looks like you two lovebirds need some privacy so we are gonna leave for now”

Stiles smiles and closes the door after them then he jumps right next to you and takes you into his arms “I love you Y/N and I will never let anyone hurt you. I won’t allow it. Neither me nor the pack” he says and kisses you gently. He’s the one who breaks the kiss “Now go to sleep. It was a really exhausting day” he says and cuddles you “I swear I’ll be here the whole time because I will never let you go. You are mine forever”.

—————-|

Hey guys! This one here was requested. Hope you like it ❤️ I’d appreciate a reblog or like. Thank you for reading!!

#stiles stilinksi x reader #teen wolf #stiles stilinski #stiles x you #dylan o'brien #void stiles #stiles x derek #stiles x lydia #stiles x y/n #stiles x reader #stiles stilinski fanfiction #incorrect teen wolf quotes #teen wolf one shot #teen wolf stiles #scott mccall #lydia martin #kira yukimura #derek hale #isaac lahey #stiles stilinksi icons #dylan o’brien imagines #stiles and lydia #dylan o'brian icons #stilesedit #allison argent #malia hale #malia tate #malia x lydia #stiles x theo

[babyboibucky]

Deserve Better

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: Bucky disappeared and came back only to say goodbye.

Word Count: 2,887

Warnings: angsty angsty angsty angsty angsty

A/N: Post-endgame timeline with lotsa angst! Included Andy Barber here because why the fuck not but he’s really not a major character lol

Deserve Better || Undeserving || Deserve The Best

MAIN MASTERLIST

-

The day you got Bucky back was the same day he said goodbye. He left you— said it was for the best— just as when your fingertips touched him for the first time after five years of longing.

Your reunion with Bucky after the snap was nothing like the movies, far from it actually. A lot of things happened when he was snapped back, in between the battle with Thanos and Tony’s funeral. Besides, you weren’t an Avenger; you didn’t work for SHIELD nor the CIA. In fact, you remained oblivious of the battle that was going on until the moment of chaos caused by the sudden reappearances of half of the world’s population.

And then you received a message from Steve, about the tragedy and the sacrifice of Tony Stark. He was inviting you to the funeral and as much as you felt devastated from the loss of a hero, you couldn’t help but focus your attention on the last line of Steve’s message.

Bucky’s going to be there too. He’s back. He needs you to be there with him.

It wasn’t until the funeral was over that you finally got to have Bucky all to yourself. You had locked gazes when you arrived and staring back into his beautiful blue eyes again made your knees weak.

Bucky was really back.

“Hi.” He greeted you first, his voice remained the same— soft and gentle.

One word was enough to make you feel the warmth of his existence. Hearing him, seeing him again felt like finally coming home after a very long, tiring day.

“Hi, Buck.” You whispered.

Bucky’s smile was all it took for the dam to finally break. You’d burst into tears right then and there and you were more than ready to feel his arms around you after years of hugging yourself to sleep during his absence.

But the warmth never came. If any, Bucky stopped himself from doing so. You frowned when he took a step back from you, extending his metal arm to keep you at a certain length away from him.

“I’m sorry.” He uttered, refusing to meet your gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I have to go.” He explained, gently squeezing your arm before rubbing circles on your skin using his thumb.

You didn’t understand why Bucky needed to go when he just got back. You just got him back. You had spent years crying over his disappearance only for him to come back and disappear again?

Bucky explained that he thought he got better but things have become so vastly different after the snap that it left him feeling broken and different again. He told you about Steve’s decision to go back in time, never to return again. How Tony’s death made him feel like it was too late to set things straight and how he would probably carry the guilt and regret from not being able to apologize for what he had done.

“I’ll help you, Buck. We’ll work through this together. I want to be by your side when things get better.” You insisted, tears blurring your vision as you tried to reach for Bucky, wanting to feel him again after such a long time.

But Bucky kept on moving away from you, he kept on pushing you away and you wanted to understand why he wouldn’t let you touch him.

“I’ll only hurt you, I don’t want that to happen. I want to get better because you deserve better. But I can’t do that with you because this...this is something that I gotta figure out by myself.” He further explained.

You shook your head, unable to accept his decision. “Buck...I don’t think I can lose you again. I just got you back...I can’t afford to lose you again, please?”

When you attempted to reach for Bucky’s hand, he finally let you. You quickly entwined your fingers through his metal ones and savored how they felt against your skin. They were cold as usual, but Bucky always oozed a certain warmth that made you feel safe.

But now they’re just that— cold and hard.

“I love you. I’ll wait, Bucky.” You murmured and tugged at his hand before he could even let you go.

Bucky smiled sadly at you, “You don’t have to, doll.”

You shook your head and brought Bucky’s hand to your lips as you cried, “I want to. And I will.”

Pressing one final kiss on his hard knuckles, you watched Bucky slip his hand away from yours before turning around to leave. You felt your chest tighten as if you lost all the oxygen in your lungs the same way you lost Bucky.

Losing him the second time around proved to be even more painful. Because this time, he didn’t just disappear.

He walked away.

-

You waited for Bucky to come home to you for days and weeks until they turned into months...and then years. Still, no Bucky walked through your doorstep but you never stopped hoping.

Sleep was such a rare occurrence to you since Bucky walked away. How do you honestly cope with the loss of someone when you haven’t even healed yet from his first disappearance? You wanted to get mad at him, curse him for suddenly deciding to leave you. But you felt selfish for even thinking about that, because Bucky left to better himself.

To be better for you. He said so himself.

So you kept waiting for him to come back. You made it your reason to keep going. You looked forward to the day you’d hear your door open followed by his heavy foot steps. You wondered, would he smell the same then? Would he still be using your favorite perfume on him? One that smelled like cedar wood and mint and well, Bucky. Would his hair still be of the same length? What about his beard? Would he shave them off before coming back home?

How about his gaze? Would his blue ones still look at you as if you were his moon?

As much as these thoughts made you miss him more, they were the ones that you held onto. They were like your glimmer of hope on nights you were the loneliest, on nights you cried and dreamt of his return only to wake up to an empty, cold space beside you.

You held onto these thoughts every single day in hopes of them becoming real soon enough.

People have told you to move on, to not waste your time waiting for someone who walked away just like that. But you trusted Bucky when he said he wanted to be better because you deserved better. You couldn’t move on, not from Bucky.

You love him with your entire being, so much that his absence caused you physical pain too. You couldn’t even find the right words to describe how much you love Bucky.

In the three years that you spent waiting, you’d met a lot of people too. People who showed interest but none of them really won you over.

You’d met a man named Andy through work. He was a lawyer and was dealing with his own divorce. The connection was there and you wouldn’t deny that.

Two people dealing with the grief from losing someone they love, it wasn’t that hard not to find a common ground. And you did find some solace in Andy and him in you. But it was just that, nothing more and nothing less.

“How has it been?” You asked Andy after he had settled into the booth across of you.

The restaurant was surprisingly scarce on a Sunday morning. Usually there were plenty of customers, their chatters overpowering the soft music playing in the background. Now, it was peaceful and the radio was turned off. There were only the clinks of plates of being set on tables and the footsteps of the staff walking around the place as they attended to the few customers around.

It was serene and peaceful, pretty much like Andy’s aura when he arrived.

“I wouldn’t say I’m fine but I guess I’m at a much better place now than before.” He said with a nod, as if he was finally agreeing with himself after questioning his emotions for the past few months.

You offered a kind smile and placed a hand on top of his, “It shows, Andy. I’m glad. I’m happy for you.” You said.

He had been going through a lot of emotions since he signed the divorce papers. He didn’t want to but knew it was for the best. Andy had a son, Jacob, and he didn’t want for his son to grow up in an environment where his parents no longer slept on the same bed. As much as he loved Laurie, the relationship was no longer working and was becoming toxic the more they stayed together.

“And you?” Andy asked back before calling the waiter.

You let out a deep breath, “Still waiting.” You chuckled as your stared at your hand that remained on top of Andy’s.

Andy spared you an apologetic glance but nodded, “I do hope he knows how lucky he is.” He said, turning his palm up so he could hold your hand.

To others, the gesture may seem romantic but it really wasn’t. You and Andy both knew that despite the similarities and the comfort you found in each other, the both of you were not meant to be together in that way.

Your heart still belonged to Bucky after all.

-

When you received an invitation from Sam Wilson, you felt confused and excited. There was going to be a huge gala at the compound to honor Steve Rogers’ legacy as Captain America.

You’d heard the news about Steve’s passing not long after he went back in time. He finally got to live the life he deserved and when he came back, it was as if everything had been corrected. He may no longer be the super soldier that many knew but he remained the same person— but he wasn’t the man out of time anymore. Despite his white hair and wrinkles, Steve looked the happiest he had ever been.

You wondered how Bucky coped up with such a huge loss, you always worried for him.

It sparked debate though, Steve’s decision to leave the Avengers. Some got angry, said that Steve was selfish for doing that. Others showed sympathy, that Steve didn’t owe the world anything. He’d spent a lifetime fighting for everyone. It was time that he fought for himself and what he deserved. And Sam fought just as hard for Steve’s legacy and finally, all his hard work finally paid off.

What confused you was whether Bucky was going to be there? Does he know about the gala? Was he finally back? If he was, why hasn’t he come home to you yet? You had so many questions that you wanted to ask.

The answers though, were literally in the palm of your hand— the invitation.

-

It was no surprise how big the gala was. Just on your way inside, you’d already come across a lot of big personalities. There were politicians and popular celebrities too. You felt intimidated given that you went by yourself and that you weren’t really part of their world.

You were just you, someone who had fallen in love with one Bucky Barnes who introduced you to the world of superheroes. The rest was history.

“I’m so glad you’re here!” You turned around and found Sam approaching you with a huge smile.

You embraced him and smiled as you pulled away, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” You told him.

It was Steve and Sam that you’d met first and they were nothing but kind to you. Despite being well, ordinary, they welcomed you like their own when Bucky had introduced you.

Sam’s expression changed at your response, “I honestly thought that you wouldn’t show up after Bucky said—“

“Bucky?” You immediately cut him off upon hearing his name.

“Bucky’s back?” You asked and Sam had never looked more confused as ever.

He carefully nodded, brows knitting together as he frantically looked around. “I thought you knew about it.”

“How long? How long has it been since he came back, Sam?” You probed, feeling your throat constricting at the unexpected revelation.

Sam merely looked at you with what seemed to be pity. Why? Why was he looking at you like he was sorry? And why didn’t Bucky tell you when he came back? Was he simply not ready? Or was he waiting for the right time?

“Sam, how long?” You asked again, voice firmer this time around.

“A year ago. He decided to join the Avengers but wanted to undergo formal training before taking on the responsibility of one.” He responded.

You opened your mouth to say something but it’s as if your whole body was paralyzed. He had been back for an entire year now...and yet he kept you waiting?

A hand on your arm pulled you back to the surface, looking up at Sam you shook your head in utter confusion.

“I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me.”

Sam sighed, “I thought you knew. He said he saw you and—“

Sam’s words died on his tongue when he saw that your attention was no longer on him. Following the line of your sight, Sam turned around and saw that Bucky had walked into the venue. He swallowed and couldn’t hide the guilt he felt from assuming that you knew about his return. Before he could apologize, you’d brushed past him as you kept your gaze on Bucky.

Why he didn’t inform you of his return was beyond you and to be honest, you couldn’t bring yourself to care about it for now. Because Bucky was right in front of you and it felt like forever since you last saw him.

A lot has changed. He chopped off his hair but he still sported some scruff. Bucky looked closer to his younger self back in the 40’s. You remembered the conversation you had with him about cutting his hair.

“Should I cut it?” Bucky stood in your bathroom, observing his long locks in the mirror as he ran his fingers through them.

You walked over to him, hugging him from behind and pressing your lips on his back before moving to stand beside him.

“Do you want to?” you asked.

Bucky scrunched his nose, “Maybe in the future. I do miss my hair back then.” he smiled.

You chuckled, “Back when Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes used to sweep the ladies off of their feet?” you teased.

Bucky turned to you and wrapped an arm around your wait pulling you closer to kiss your lips, “Hmm, I wanna see if that hair will have the same effect on you.” he said and kissed your cheek.

You hummed as you caressed his face with your delicate hands, “I’d like to see that too, but maybe you should keep the scruff.”

But it wasn’t just his hair that changed. It was his entire demeanor— his aura seemed a lot lighter now, he seemed happier and confident. You knew it for a fact because he wasn’t wearing a glove to hide his metal hand. It was out on display for everyone to see and shake, apparently.

You watched in awe as Bucky interacted with the people around him. He used to avoid eye contact with strangers but now he seemed relaxed doing so. Although he would still open and close his metal hand, something he did whenever he was anxious. The crowd still made him uncomfortable but he’s shown a lot of improvement since then.

The question as to why he never told you about his return continued to linger in the back of your head. But you couldn’t stop yourself from smiling from ear to ear, eyes brimming with tears as you quickened your steps.

Your Bucky was finally back.

And then the world seemed to have stopped when a certain blonde walked over to Bucky, her hand sliding over to his cheek as she leaned up to press a quick peck on his lips.

You knew her of course, Sharon Carter; and you knew about her and Steve. It was Bucky himself who told you about them and how proud he was that Steve finally decided to try his luck at romance. Which is why you felt even more appalled at the scene playing before you.

The way Bucky slid an arm around her waist, pulling her closer to him and how he tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. How he was smiling down at her, whispering to her ear as they laughed.

Bucky was in love with Sharon. You didn’t have to ask him that anymore because he was looking at her like she was his moon, his source of light in the darkness.

You knew that because he looked at you the same way, back when you still had his heart.

Suddenly, the questions plaguing your mind found their answers. You understood now why he never came home to you.

He did get better, you could tell that by the way he smiled and laughed.

Bucky was better now, but not for you. At least, not anymore.

-

Everything Bucky Tag List:

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[omniscientwreck]

Let me combine both of your favorite things! I would love a little thing about Caduceus (in his infinite wisdom and questionable intelligence) trying to give either Essek or Caleb relationship advice that may or may not be actually helpful. Those two wizards are probably too much in their own heads to see what's right in front of them and could use a little nudge. Just imagine both of them going to Caduceus for advice on how they're attracted to the other and Caduceus just sitting there trying to fight to urge to facepalm.

Hello! Thank you for combining my two favourite things into this fic that took way too long but I'm quite pleased with! I hope you enjoy!

In which Caduceus has three conversations with two wizards fighting against a force bigger than either of them.

----------

The first of these conversations Caduceus had was expected. Gardening alongside Essek, teaching him how to sow beauty where destruction had laid waste had been therapeutic for both of them. Caduceus had never given up on the war criminal. It’s difficult to feel no sympathy for someone whose story was written across their face in blank but pleasant stares and a mask of platitudes.

The state he’d been in when they met him at the outpost had filled Caduceus with determination. He’d been as close to a wreck as they’d ever seen him and now kneeling alongside him and looking over to see a small self-satisfied smile as he observed the work they’d done, it feels like they’ve done something right. This second chance had been well earned and he has faith that Essek will continue to earn it for the rest of his days.

This Essek is determined to right wrongs, and he’s started with the garden. He pays careful attention to the plants, always asking if he’s unsure about the compatibility of certain species, and making sure to put them exactly where they tell him. When they work past the point when the sun disappears behind emerald leaves he takes off the gloves Jester had made him and digs his hands into the ground. It seems to bring him peace, it’s good that he’s found any.

Most of the time when they work it’s silent, creases pressed into Essek’s forehead. He sweats through the layers that serve to keep him safe from the heat overhead and always has to be cajoled into taking breaks or drinking water. It reminds him a bit of Yasha.

On the third day, when he’d nearly gone faint Caduceus has to intervene, “You don’t need to hurt yourself to repent you know.”

Essek takes great care to swallow and not choke on the water he’d been sipping, bad timing. The mask comes up again, “I don’t know what you mean.” he states flatly. He knows that Caduceus is smarter than that and it shows.

“Hurting yourself doesn’t change anything. It’s the creation of beauty here that tips your scales, not the destruction of yourself.”

He nods slowly, indigo eyes downcast. “I suppose you’re correct. I have much to atone for Caduceus. There is much work to be done before I will deserve any of the kindness you foist upon me.”

“Hey now, I decide who deserves my kindness. We all do.”

Essek nods again, running a dirt stained hand through his silver hair. It leaves streaks of dirt, Caduceus says nothing.

“It’s difficult to be made aware of your stark moral failings, to learn what it means to truly care for someone again. It’s difficult to care more than you expect and to know what is enough, if anything is.”

His eyes flick behind Caduceus, where he can hear Caleb explaining something to Luc and he understands more than Essek probably wants him to. “You’ll find enough.” Essek looks at him, eyes full of a delicate hope, easily shattered, “He’ll tell you when it’s enough.”

His eyes widen just slightly and a deep blush spreads across his face alongside a smile so small it’s like he doesn’t want to let himself accept the barrage of feelings it holds back. “If.” His voice is small but the weight is heavy in the tone.

Caduceus reaches a hand to cover one of his, “When. Remember, I see things the rest of you don’t.”

Essek smiles wryly at that, voice full of mirth, “Of course Mr. Clay the ever observing.”

They go in for dinner and Essek speaks up a little more, he’s a little more alive. The change is small, but Caduceus notices.

----------

The second conversation is less expected, completely unexpected if he’s being honest. Caleb arrives at the doorstep of the grove one evening around 8 months after they’d last seen each other. “Hallo friend, I hope I am not intruding.”

His smile is easier now, though still restrained by sadness. “Not at all Mr. Caleb you are always welcome here. There should be left overs from dinner, fix yourself a plate.”

Caleb allows himself to be ushered in and fussed over. He tells a few stories of the trial but Caduceus tries to steer away from that particular vein of conversation. It’s raw and it doesn’t look like he’s fully healed. There’s still one catch somewhere that he needs to loose himself from before the smile will be easy and free, before he can walk away from his past and toward the future.

“I am going to Aeor next.”

Ah.

When Caduceus doesn’t say anything he continues, voice laced with trepidation, “I am going to ask Essek to join me.” he wants Caduceus to convince him of something.

“Well, two wizards is better than one.” He eyes Caleb knowingly and the wizard squirms a bit under his gaze.

“It is just, a little strange isn’t it? The directions we are led in.” He trails off again, maybe he’s hoping for wisdom. Caduceus decides he can probably dispense something.

“You’ve never seemed like someone who wanted much to be herded into decisions to me.”

“It’s been a journey.”

Caduceus clears his dish and sets down a teapot, “It’s a journey you’re still on. One that might not have a definite end. Is it worth it to deny yourself happiness because you’re worried about whether you deserve it?”

That caught him a little off guard, copper hair shook a bit as he’d clearly gone a little further than Caleb was expecting. He likes to talk in metaphors so that he can hide from truths later, or at least pretend everything can have multiple meanings. It’s time for Caduceus to stop letting him twist words around in that expansive brain of his until the original meaning is obscured by hypotheticals.

“I cannot tell you what’s right Caleb, but if you came here for a reasonable perspective listen to the one I’m giving you.” He pours the tea and offers honey, “You will never know if you don’t go and I know you better than you think. You don’t like loose ends, not as long as there’s something to learn.”

He nods, staring into tea, they’re so similar and so stubborn that Caduceus can feel the loving annoyance usually directed at his siblings creeping in. “Caleb, stop punishing yourself for something that wasn’t your fault in the first place.” Caleb nearly interrupts but Caduceus keeps barrelling through, “Self-flagellation won’t get you anywhere, you’ll just end up with regrets and what ifs. Go explore Aeor, forget everything else for a bit. Do that thing the two of you do where you’re finishing each other’s sentences and nobody knows why you’re bothering to speak out loud because it’s obvious you’re thinking the same things.”

Caleb’s smile is smaller now, but lighter. “Ja mein Freunde, I think you will. Thank you for tolerating questions I don’t know how to ask out loud.”

Caduceus smiles back, “I think this will be good. If you need anything while you’re there don’t hesitate to reach out. Stock up on healing, you’ll need it.”

Caleb laughs at that and spends the night, before heading to Zadash the next morning, undoubtedly to clear out Pumat’s stock of healing potions.

----------

The third time this conversation is had it’s his fault. He doesn’t mean to start it, but honestly the situation is getting ridiculous and the sibling feelings Caduceus has to both the wizards are firmly cemented.

They decide to get everyone together maybe a year after the last conversation. It’s his first time seeing any of them since then and as soon as they’re all in the same room it’s like no time has passed at all. Essek had come to get him while Caleb gathered the rest at Beau and Yasha’s home in Rexxentrum. Jester wraps him in a crushing and loving hug, Beau gives him a punch that’s soft for her but still stings, Yasha offers clippings of flowers immediately, and Fjord’s hug is warm. Veth’s family is here and she looks happier than he’s ever seen her. Caleb greets him with the warmth that’s always burned behind eyes that hold less and less sorrow every time he sees him. He hopes they’ll drop it all together one day.

When they pop back into existence from the way Caleb and Essek look at each other Caduceus expects something to happen. He doesn’t know what exactly but they hold each other’s eyes in a profound way. There’s gravity to them and everyone can feel it, he’s getting tired of watching them fight it.

It seems so simple even though he doesn’t feel that kind of pull, to see where this is going. It’s feels like the days before a big storm, when everyone knows what’s coming and it’s getting a little ridiculous that you’re still waiting for lightning to strike.

Everyone else drinks, they cook and eat and tell stories. Caleb and Essek sit apart but spend the entire time stealing glances across the table when they don’t think the other is looking. Nearly always they catch each other.

Yasha plays on the bone harp, she’s gotten very good and Jester swings Veth around into a dance. Kingsley, three sheets to the wind, grabs Beau and whips her into a reluctant dance and her initial protests eventually bubble into laughter. Caleb sits beside Caduceus and Jester has switched to twirling a flustered Essek across the floor of the livingroom. It often turns to dancing with these people and he loves that they love it so much.

“As I recall you’re an excellent dancer Mr. Caleb, go cut in.”

He shakes his head, “Ah- I couldn’t. Yasha is playing and I don’t think you’re much of a dancer.” He looks over with a quirk of a brow.

“I’m sure Jester won’t mind a break.”

He coughs at that, “I ah-”

Caduceus shakes his head, “No, talking is done, this is getting ridiculous.” He puts a hand square on his back and guides Caleb to stand, “You two will weave circles of metaphor around each other until one of you drops. Go Caleb, follow gravity.”

He seems to understand, seems to accept Cadcueus’ words and as soon as he stands to full height, Essek is watching over Jester’s shoulder. She, thankfully, understands the same way Caduceus does and even sends a wink as she loudly proclaims, “Oh my gosh Essek I’m so tired, I think Caleb needs someone to dance with, go to him.” She extends her arm, releasing him, and his levitation doesn’t allow him to stumble at the abrupt change in momentum.

Essek and Caleb meet and Essek steps to the ground gracefully as Caleb holds his hand out and pulls him in.

Nobody says anything for fear of spooking the delicate peace that settles over both of them as they gently turn, but Yasha slows the music she’s playing a bit and a quiet celebration is shared in the eyes of the rest of the Nein.

Caduceus breathes a sigh of relief and Jester sits herself beside him, bringing an overly sweet juice she’d found on her travels for him to try. She tells him stories into the night, and the wizards never let each other’s hands go.

#shadowgast #caleb widogast #essek thelyss #caduceus clay #critical role #the mighty nein #cr fanfic #critical role fanfiction #tm9 #my writing #omni writes #my fic #a little worried this is ooc for Cad but also I think he's just treating them like he'd treat his siblings #eventually you just gotta push people in the direction they're heading