#the instagram moots saw it first <3

[saetoru]

this blog is now archived !! find my MASTERLIST here !!

hi guys, and here’s a long overdue post that i wanted to take the time to make after collecting as many screenshots as i can for a lot of rumors that i think need to be addressed. before i do that, i wanted to apologize to all of my mutuals who ended up wrongfully harassed in their inboxes for simply knowing me—the irony of this issue being about bullying all the while people on this app have been simultaneously being genuinely awful to other writers who have zero involvement has been ridiculous.

i would’ve made this post sooner, but december was very busy—as you all know, i’ve been working with two separate companies for my capstone projects, and i had final presentations with boards to worry about. and then a cruise which was fun, but i was offline. now that i’ve finally had time to enjoy my break and collect my thoughts, i’d like to voice my own side to the discourse i’m sure you’ve all seen posted by @/garoujo, who is now @/gojoath.

first and foremost, i’ve been on tumblr for almost 4 years now, and while i may not have the brightest moments on here (no one will be spot-free in that amount of time), i’d like to think that if i actually went out of my way to vicious or bully people, this would’ve come to people’s attention a lot sooner. i’ve had a relatively large following across all 6 of my blogs in my time here, and while i don’t like to get into the metrics of my blogs, the reason i point this out is because i have willingly started my blog over 6 times. 3 of these were sfw blogs under my nickname tee, another 2 of which were my previous nsfw blogs under a different alias, and saetoru which is the current one, where i finally decided to combine my sfw and nsfw writing into one space. i just wanted to bring that up because i had quite a habit of leaving and restarting blogs before this one, and had i been obsessed with outperforming other writers in terms of follower counts, i would not have left the previous ones as often as i did. 

that being said, i’ll also go through a timeline of events and how they’ve snowballed into an issue that is not as one-sided as most of you might think. i’ve been mutuals with emmie since my first blog, and i’d been mutuals with her through most of her blogs as well. we’ve never really had issues until her last blog @/garoujo, which she’d started after deactivating @/atsymu due to discourse regarding racism accusations. the reason why we had a falling out was because i felt that there were a series of odd coincidences that felt slightly purposeful, but i was still questioning whether or not i was looking too deeply into it to actually point any of it out.

admittedly, when i saw her first set of banners, i felt our layouts were a slight bit similar, but i really didn’t mind too much because i had been planning to change my banners anyway because i was bored of them. so i took that as an opportunity to do so. it just so happened that within a day or two of every time i changed my banners, hers would be changed too—i never said i owned the color gray, and i even fully acknowledge that the last two sets of banners, at first glance, wouldn’t be a red flag. because, like i said, i was more uncomfortable with the pattern of coincidences than the actual layouts. then i switched to my instagram theme, and not long after, i noticed her add instagram story visuals to her navi. again, no one ever said instagram was my original idea, and that no one else could use it, but it was an unsettling feeling having the same moot continuously make changes around the same time as you, and changes that are different enough that you can’t exactly point out an issue, but slightly similar enough that you can’t exactly ignore the slight oddness.

coincidentally, the same day, another blog (who i will not name bc they’re not very active anymore and are also not very relevant to this story) made the same theme as me and i was a bit peeved because this same blog is someone who has copied a few other things from me and a handful of other moots, so i made a subpost on my moots-only personal blog at the time. keep in mind, i made this post fully aware that emmie was on this blog because i didn’t intend for that post to seem like it was about her. but she reached out to me, and i explained to her the situation, and i even provided the relevant screenshots to show my points. i still considered her a decently good friend at the time, and even with the slightly off feelings, i was still adamant about brushing them off and considering them coincidences that perhaps i was being a bit too critical of.

it wasn’t until i woke up a few hours later after changing my theme and going to bed that i noticed she’d then fully switched to the insta theme. again, instagram is an app used by millions and, at one point, was a very popular theme used amongst most people on this app. i’m not entitled enough to believe i was the first person to do it, but like i said. there are just off vibes most of us will not help but feel when a series of coincidences continue to happen back to back to back by the same person.

there were, amongst these things, a number of other small touches that made me feel off. most of them i don’t remember by now or have screenshots of, so i won’t bother to go into all of them, but for reference, one example i’d also like to point out that i’d had the phrase “you’ve reached the hanmas” in my inbox when she was still on @/atsymu, and sometime after, her sfw blog @/loveatsu had the phrase “you’ve reached the miyas.” small things like this are not things i make an issue over and am more than capable of brushing aside, but like i have said and will continue to push firmly is that i felt there were multiple instances of emmie, in particular, making small tweaks to her blog shortly after me that made me feel were not all coincidentally similar. the issue was never themes or thinking i am the first or only person to do something a certain way, the issue has always been me countless times feeling that one particular individual is exhibiting a behavior that is persistent and uncomfortable no matter how minuscule the instances may be. maybe they were really just unfortunate coincidences that happened with poor timing, or maybe they weren’t. but i stand by the fact that anyone in my shoes would be valid to question the timing of each of these events over and over again.

i would also like to bring up kinktober (though this happened a while after the rest of what i will get into) because this was the first public discourse that emmie and i got into due to an anon’s claims of similarities between our posts. i had received an anon who told me “i think someone copied your kinktober masterlist” which i answered to ask if they could let me know who. they had come back to say it was garoujo, and i did not reply to the ask, instead, i made a post to vaguely tell the anon that i appreciate them letting me know, but i will just leave it be and continue on with my kinktober regardless of emmie’s mlist. i do think there were some vague similarities, but honestly not enough to really question it, so i figured a confrontation or issue was not necessary. a while later, several moots had messaged me to let me know they had received anonymous asks saying to “block @/garoujo she copied @/sakusins and she’ll copy you too” (or something along those lines, i don’t remember exactly.) i myself was very confused (and upset) by the situation because i did not, and still would not, want to be publicly name-dropped in other people’s inboxes over issues that do not involve them. unfortunately, it led to some not-very-kind asks to both of us, and while i am sorry she had to deal with that, it is not an apology from a sense of culpability. that situation was, and still is, entirely out of my control. i would not have seen the masterlist unless the anon had mentioned it, and i did not take part in having people send asks about her to other writers. especially not in a manner that was pretty much social suicide for me as well. 

(this is a poorly made collage i know lol but i hit the picture limit bear with me here.)

i would also like to point out that i am not the only individual who has had issues with emmie and feels she had copied them. although i cannot disclose urls (they have been blocked out for privacy reasons) here are a few conversations i have had with my own mutuals, and i would wager there are more people whom i haven’t talked to who also feel this way. they might be small enough instances that sparking issues over them was not worth it to all of these people, therefore she has never heard from people herself about this issue, but the point does still stand that this claim about emmie is not one i alone make, and is one that i have heard countless times before. her never being approached by these individuals for the sake of peace doesn’t erase that they have been, and are, upset by these events, and it’s a habit that she seems to continually partake in. i would also like to link this post where she has been called out by another writer while she was still atsymu, which was posted while we were still friends. i’ve actually had a discussion with emmie about that post, and at the time, i had quickly skimmed the post and felt it was perhaps a reach, but after my own experiences, i went back to reread the post and considered perhaps there was validity to it, and that this might not be a one time occurrence. plagiarism in manners such as this will always have conflicting opinions, and it is hard to sometimes tell if something is a coincidence, a popular and overused idea, or something that has actually been copied. my point is that a number of people have all felt that perhaps there is a good chance this was not an accident, and please consider that so many instances of people feeling this way might suggest that there is a certain degree of validity to the claim.

at the beginning of all of this, when the masterlist banners had first started bothering me, i was upset, and i chose to vent to an ex-moot of mine who most of you would recognize as munsonsins. abby has deactivated a long while ago, but she’s relevant to this because i had chosen to vent to her at the time, and this is more or less what later caused this situation to escalate. at the time of venting to her, i knew she wasn’t mutuals with emmie because, as you can see, she’d told me as such. 

one thing i would like to point out is that there were a handful of people i had vented to about my frustrations with emmie, but one thing i had always been mindful of was ensuring these were a) individuals who i considered close friends and not just random individuals, and b) were not friends or moots with emmie in the event that i accidentally made people who she cared about think lesser of her. had abby been mutuals with emmie, i would not have shared my feelings, and once again, i was not loose-lipped enough to just tell anyone because they’d listen. i told abby in particular because i had felt we were sufficiently close individuals who talked one-on-one and were able to vent to each other. a bit after i vented to her, though, she befriended emmie, which i had no such issues with because abby was/is her own person and is an adult who can interact freely and befriend whoever she wanted/wants to. 

not long after that, on the night before eid (this detail is relevant in the future) an ex moot of mine @/kazuwhora reached out to me. if you guys remember, there was a discourse last year that was all over dash about how writers on this app should be open to criticism. a lot of people (including me and kc) were upset by that sentiment—which is still valid. please don’t give constructive criticism to writers without their explicit permission !! but regardless, kc sent me a screenshot of a mutual of mine who had posted their opinion on this discourse, and their point was clearly that while constructive criticism is important in some aspects, writers do not have to be subject to receiving it should they not want to. unfortunately, i felt as if kc misunderstood what this individual was trying to say, and i was trying to explain it to her, but we got into a small argument over how we interpreted the post. i felt some of the things she was saying about this individual were inappropriate, and i had made it clear that i was very fond of this person, and it made me uncomfortable to be having this discussion. regardless of whether she saw my interpretation of the post or not, i wanted to drop the discussion, especially because it was the night before eid. eid is the one holiday i celebrate, and there are traditions i quite enjoy the night before, and i didn’t want them to be spoiled with a poor mood over a silly argument. unfortunately, she wasn’t very willing to drop the topic, and it ended up making me upset. so i posted this screenshot to my moots only personal from the conversation that consisted of my messages only and said, “tonight i had to explain what a debate is.” it was petty, perhaps, but very harmless, seeing as there was no context given and no names/pfps to indicate who the person was.

truthfully, i had vented separately to cat, eris, and abby about this argument because i was friends with the three of them at the time, but needless to say, venting to your friends about arguments is a universal action, and i believe it is something all of us have partaken in. 

eventually, i decided to softblock emmie because i felt it would be more comfortable for me on my blog to do so. after a bit, i was informed of a subpost that seemed like it couldn’t be about anyone other than me—to make things clear, emmie subposting me was not my concern. i did not hold it against her because she is more than entitled to have her own feelings and vents on her own blog, but the thing that did concern me was that it seemed slightly evident that she was aware of my feelings when i had never explicitly had a conversation with her. it made me question who would tell her, and as you may have guessed, the only person with whom i had shared my concerns who could also be in contact with emmie was abby. 

at the time, eris had also voiced concerns that they had trusted abby with the ending of the plot for the diluc series they were planning, and coincidentally, one of abby’s friends had posted a fic idea eerily similar to their concept, to which abby had been commenting and reblogging more brainstormed ideas under. all of these ideas were very close to the plans eris had for their series plot, and understandably, they felt that it was not a mere coincidence that their entire plot was being brainstormed on dash by a person who was fully aware of their outline. i’d voiced my concerns with believing that abby may have also been sharing things i trusted her with, and as a result we both had made a few vague subposts that we liked from each other—a petty behavior, i will admit, but not something that i think is very out of the norm for a lot of people on this app. sometimes, we all just want to vent out our frustrations, and because we all more or less use tumblr as an outlet, these can sometimes be vaguely taken to dash. it’s not something that is ideally recommended (i’ve learned the hard way) but it’s also ?? not exactly something that only i’m guilty of, or is even a rare behavior. i think to shoot down one person for this behavior is quite frankly hypocritical. again, subposting isn’t a habit i would like to push as mature but it’s something i’d like to point out is very normal in this community, and is not something only i take part in. beyond that, i take to ensuring that whenever i do, i’m not explicitly exposing who i’m talking about in order to keep them out of unnecessary issues. 

after this conversation with eris, it kind of solidified in my mind that i did not want to trust abby with any more personal vents, or information, and i had ultimately decided to soft block her too. i had also decided to take the opportunity to softblock kc as well because i figured i might as well just remove individuals who i felt made me uncomfortable. this is, again, my right to do so to curate my own space. not long after, cat, eris, and i had been softblocked/hardblocked by a number of moots, and we were a bit confused, until cat ended up having a conversation with kc. many accusations were made about all three of us, more specifically, about me to kc by abby because the two of them had been discussing that they’d both been softblocked by me recently.

the list of accusations we were told of is as follows:

me, cat, and eris have a “burn book” where we “blacklist people.” it’s important to note that every time this discourse resurfaces (this is now the fourth time), the “burn book” has fundamentally changed in its composition—it has changed from a discord server “burn book”, to a google doc “burn book”, to the current rumor that it was an entire blog that was used as a “burn book.” it is consistently changed to fit whatever narrative is trying to be pushed, and regardless, the rumor itself is entirely untrue and has been addressed multiple times. cat has had a tumblr theme, a collab theme, and a server theme all dedicated to the film mean girls. she simply had a channel that was to share the urls of minors to block for interacting with nsfw works, or people who were anti-dark content—this is something that i have seen in all servers i’ve been in during my time on tumblr, and is not a new concept for many of you either. it’s simply a precaution a lot of servers take to warn writers about potential minors to block, and potential anti-dark content harassers. the name of this channel happened to be “the burn book” because it was a mean girls themed server, so the name just fit. nowhere in this channel were other writers in the community “blacklisted” or spoken negatively of, and here are the screenshots of the channel. this was simply something abby had twisted in order to paint us negatively. here is the link to cat’s post addressing it for proof and explanation (i run out of pictures or i would include them myself.)

abby also claimed that i was using this channel to talk poorly about kc and a handful of other moots. this is also false bc this server had several strangers (as it was cat’s server and i didn’t know all her moots), but it also had several of kc’s mutuals/friends in this server as well. i’m not so dense as to talk poorly about other writers publicly in a server, let alone a server i know has people who are friends with kc

now, this next part, emmie has conveniently painted out to be about me, as i apparently harassed and blacklisted people for liking itto from genshin impact, but i have been playing genshin for over a year on this app, and quite a large number of you are my own followers who see my rambles and my writing and i don’t have to explain that i have never written for itto, nor explicitly expressed an interest in him apart from perhaps one or two posts from back when i did his story quest. i never had, and still to this day, have no interest in the character itto. i’ve skipped his banner, i plan to skip his upcoming banners should they come, and i have never written for him, nor do i plan to write for him. this issue with itto is between eris and another individual, and i do not have the details to this, as i was new friends with eris at the time, and i’m no longer friends with eris as of current time. quite frankly, even if i knew the details, i wouldn’t go out of my way to share them because it has nothing to do with me. plain and simple.

as you can see, there were a number of rumors spread here to kc by abby, and as you can see, all of which led me to seem quite vicious in character. i’ve provided, to the best of my ability, screenshots and receipts of why each of these is quite drastically out of context and far from true to what abby has claimed. 

i did in fact, after these events confront abby because i was genuinely appalled by the way she knowingly and purposely twisted things conveniently to villainize me. she expressed that she was upset and paranoid by the subposts that she figured were about her once i’d soft blocked her, so i apologized for the posts. she had conversations with both me and cat about the rumors she’d started, and she also apologized for them to both me and cat.

the rumors that emmie has claimed about me in her post, which she conveniently provided no evidence of, are all rumors that are more or less a result of my differences with abby and kc. unfortunately, despite cat trying her best to explain to kc the falseness of most of these rumors, she didn’t really believe them—which is her business. to each their own. i’m sure if i had been in kc’s shoes and in one night, someone i had considered a friend had been painted to do a series of nasty things behind my back, i also would not know what’s true and untrue, and she is entitled to piecing together what she believes is her truth. what’s not fair, however, is for emmie to have no involvement/understanding of these events apart from a twisted narrative she heard from one person and dog pile them into her claims of my behavior to further paint me as a villain. emmie is more than entitled to have her beliefs on my character based on her own experiences, which she has provided her own evidence of, but simply slapping an “and i heard she also….” does not necessarily make claims true, and is very manipulatively thrown into the post to add a list of things that make my character questionable to further validate her point. 

not only this, but she has made a point to openly admit that she and her friends have collectively mocked me for my relationship with my ex-boyfriend, who they have apparently labeled as my “fake” boyfriend that i used to get attention on this app. quite plainly, i get enough attention on my blog that i don’t need a fake boyfriend to amp that up. but furthermore, i am a south asian, muslim individual. my parents are immigrants with very strict religious and cultural beliefs that i feel are very restricting at times, and though i love my family, i struggle with my identity quite a bit as i live in a very western culture that clashes quite a bit with my cultural norms. i do not get to freely explore my sexuality or even romantic life in general, unlike some of you. my parents have been kept in the dark about my relationship because them knowing about it is something that could quite literally create a rift between us, and i find it very insulting and almost suspicious that a white girl is making a mockery of my cultural struggles and my personal life. many of you are either desi or muslim or simply children of strict immigrant parents with quite stubborn traditional views. i’m sure plenty of you understand where i’m coming from when i say that i have to keep my relationship hidden from the majority of the people around me. tumblr is the one place i can anonymously share bits and pieces of my life without worrying about if it will literally cost me my relationship with my parents, so sometimes i may have overshared silly or pointless things, but that is because it’s my own way of being able to express myself and my relationship the way i have always wanted to. apart from that, dragging and making a joke out of someone’s personal life is quite unnecessary in this case. the issue is about tumblr discourse, and i find it very hypocritical that i am being labeled a bully when people, more specifically a white and privileged individual, is plain and simple mocking and poking fun at my personal life and situation that i have no control of. that is my piece on that. whether some of you believe i had a partner or not is not my business, nor do i have to go out of my way to show you evidence of my personal life. what i will say, however, is that there are a handful of close friends i have on this app who are involved in my personal life and have seen evidence of my love life through pictures and private stories on social media. quite frankly, these are the only individuals who i have to justify the validity of my personal life to, and it’s honestly quite violating for someone to stoop to dragging someone’s outside life into issues about tumblr. i extend a very genuine fuck you to every single one of you that have ridiculed my personal relationship and just know that you are extremely bold to consider yourselves above bullying when this is the type of behavior you admit to engaging in. individuals with complex familial relationships, and identity struggles between cultural norms, their ethnicities, and the western world are not your playground to make a joke out of. some of us have very real struggles, such as not being able to pursue careers in favor of arranged marriages, not being able to pursue actual relationships that mean something to us due to a lack of familial approval, being forced to bear children at young ages due to familial pressure, and so on. they are not laughing matters, and are a part of my reality. and before some of you get started—yes, it really is that serious. i have struggled my entire life with having white girls poke fun and tease at my cultural norms, and i refuse to allow another white and privileged individual who already has a record of racially related discourse walk away with once more poking fun at my personal struggles and not be called out for it. i hope you had a good, long, satisfying laugh emmie.

onto my next points based on claims @/anantaru has made about me. the main thing i’d like to really point out here is that anantaru and i have never, not even once, interacted to the extent of my knowledge. they claim that cat and i cannot stand it when people cross us in numbers and that we go through people’s likes in order to find minors and blank blogs to explain all the notes. a) i am very bad at checking for minors and blanks in my own notes, so this is not even a logical approach on my end, but b) this claim is made because cat made this post under the tags of a post going around last year that asked to hear unpopular ficblr opinions.

what cat means to articulate here is that sometimes, when she is scrolling on dash and interacting with moots and their shit/talk-posts, she peeks at profiles she sees in the notes and has happened to catch minors lurking. cat, firstly, has never followed anantaru, so they are not a “victim” to cat glancing at their likes, but secondly, this is not nearly as psychotic as it’s painted out to be. cat is not, and was not, jealous of other blog's notes. quite plainly, she’s not exactly a tiny blog either, and she’s only stumbled upon minors in the talks-posts of moots, including me. shit-posts/talks-posts are easy to notice minors lurking on, and while most people recognize that it’s quite impossible to catch every minor and ageless blog in writing posts with numerous notes, a simple shit-post on dash is more simple, and her unpopular opinion was simply that blogs that grow rapidly need to be better about catching those minors because they are susceptible to having more of them lurking. it’s a really harmless sentiment, and she’s gently reminded me as well on more than one occasion to be more responsible about my habit of being lazy when scouting for minors in my interactions. 

this is not out of jealousy, nor is it some sick and twisted habit she has to “explain” why people get more notes than she might get. it’s also out of a place of concern for her own content ?? i myself and plenty of other large blogs reblog from mutuals, and they are well within their right to be concerned that perhaps minors are lurking on our pages and interacting with works we reblog from our mutuals. cat has voiced this concern to me before, also out of goodwill and simple concern for my content, her content, and minors in general. there is simply no need to twist it into her viciously looking down upon large blogs and their notes counts and claiming they’re “only because they don’t block minors.” admittedly, though, i do need to be better about catching minors, and i have always appreciated her trying to keep me in the habit of being responsible about it. more importantly, it was a small passing comment under a post of unpopular opinions, a lot of them were hot takes, and this is hardly a serious one to get so heated over. 

i’d also like to point out that anantaru has claimed we blocked them for being a gatekeeper and because we’re jealous of their notes. 💀. a) i am very grateful and very happy with the level of interaction i get on my writing, as more people than i imagine leave me countless comments and reblogs. i have never had an issue with comparing my interaction with that of other writers because i have always been abundantly content with the interaction i get. i have no other comment on this other than cat and i blocked anantaru at the same time because we happened to see a post of theirs reblogged onto our dash that made a joke that we felt was a bit insensitive to/alluded to SA—i’m sure it wasn’t meant to be taken that way, but it made us uncomfortable regardless. while we are both dark content supporters, and i myself have read more than one fic that includes noncon in particular, it doesn’t mean we have to like/enjoy everything related to it and we simply decided to block them. i’m not going to bring this post up bc it’s simply not important. they are an adult who is more than entitled to make jokes on their blog and cat and i do not have to like them !! we simply did what we were well within our rights to do, and that’s blocking them.

there’s more they go on to say about receiving hate asks and that apparently it’s because of our “group of friends.” cat and i don’t have a group of friends. i don’t have any group chats with her besides the one with her boyfriend because i get along with him sometimes as well, and we used to play genshin together a lot when i was in low ar. not that i have to explain my friendships here, but i quite literally do not have a group of people to “send after” anantaru because people are well aware of my close friends, who i text with my personal phone number. i’ve posted silly screenshots of convos on my blog multiple times, and none of these friends overlap because i do not have a “group” of friends, just individual friends who i talk to one on one. cat is not friends with my other friends, and my other friends are not friends with her. there are no inner circles that conspire together to send anyone hate because i “tell them to.” and if there are screenshots of me explicitly encouraging someone to send hate on anon, i would love to see it. if i had sent my anons after anantaru, it would have to be a public post, and i’m sure if there were a post of such nature, it would have been brought to light by now. they have also claimed they were given multiple urls of mine to block. i only have ONE writing blog, @/saetoru, and the only other two that are still up are archived blogs @/hanmine and @/katsuphilia, which are side blogs attached to saetoru and have been inactive for several months. there are however, multiple individuals on this app who also go by the name “tee,” and perhaps we have unfortunately been mixed up as the same person, but the only blog i have is saetoru, so there is no other active blog they have blocked me from that belonged to me and was able to harass them.

not only that, but anantaru has claimed that one person off anon sent them hate with a kaeya url which they insinuate to be me. once again, you are all more than aware of my history of urls, and many of you have all been here to see them. i’ve never once had a kaeya url, nor have i ever been particularly interested in kaeya outside of a small number of posts on a rare occasion. my genshin favorites have always been characters from sumeru and, at one point diluc, and once again i don’t have to ?? explain my selfships to you all ?? but literally, i have nothing to do with a kaeya blog or kaeya account, and im unsure why it’s being thrown into my name. quite frankly, i’m not sure  what their moot has told them we have said about them, but the only conversations cat and i have ever had about anantaru was that one about the noncon joke, and that’s it. outside of that, there is literally no evidence of us speaking about this person because it simply doesn’t exist. 

i implore you all to, instead of starting public discourse over things you hear, confirm them first. had anantaru reached out to me or cat and expressed that they are upset that we are supposedly spreading false rumors about them gatekeeping, then whatever misunderstanding it might have been could have been cleared. i would like to also point out that it is not above bullying when you simply dump numerous accusations that you have heard through half whispers from moots and provide 0 evidence for them. i am perfectly aware of why emmie may consider herself to have issues with me, but i have never had an encounter with anantaru, and truthfully, i’ve never actually even read their writing before. my main (and pretty much only) experience with them is seeing the joke i saw reblogged onto my dash, and as i stated earlier, the only thing i did for that was block and move one.

and lastly, the other point i’d like to make is that numerous blogs who i have been objectively very kind to have come out to take the opportunity to stomp on my character and reputation. for example, tumblr user @/osaemu, who used to follow me and interact with me quite often. i have always been excited to interact with her because she was really supportive of my gojo writing, and at one point, i had a small area of concern with her using the same exact title as me for a gojo fic. below are screenshots of our conversation regarding the titles.

i am quite confident that this is a very polite interaction, and i was very clear that i didn’t think that her writing elements, including gojo’s parent dynamics and his dynamics with the reader, were copied or even something that i felt she needed to change. i pointed them out as a way of indicating that between these parallels and between the fact that i know she reads my rb! gojo series, i find it difficult to believe that our fic titles being exactly the same is a coincidence, and it made me uncomfortable—my concern was not how she wrote gojo’s parents or his dynamic with reader. i never accused her of stealing ideas that were mine alone to use, all i simply wanted to do was shed light on the fact that based on these parallels, i figured the names being the same was a touch difficult for me to brush aside as a chance similarity. i was very clear to outline that i know these dynamics and themes in writing are generic, and that people can pull inspo from them because i have done the same thing. my only concern was the title, which i politely asked her to change, and she agreed. case closed. i have been, again objectively, quite kind to osaemu, and i had no intentions of blocking her like a moot had suggested because i felt it was a very silly issue to block over since she was very lovely to me. 

i did, however, block her because she posted one-paragraph posts with multiple characters tagged. that’s not a crime on her end, and i’m certainly not here to police her posts in the tags, but as me and plenty of other people on this app have voiced multiple times, it is a bit irritating and feels like spam to see posts of these kinds in the tags so i blocked her. this is a very popular opinion and i refuse to be considered problematic for it. i am not here to police what constitutes an appropriate post to tag x reader tags on, and while i have made posts simply sharing my opinion on what i feel should and should not be tagged, osaemu is more than welcome to post whatever she feels she would like to into the tags. i do, however, block anyone who i come across who makes those kinds of posts because i simply don’t like them, and i don’t like seeing them. i don’t owe an explanation for why i block anyone, but seeing as i have been painted as some bitch for doing so, here is my reasoning. quite a lot of people agree on this sentiment, and to each their own, but i don’t enjoy seeing those posts. i did also unblock her at one point, as she mentioned. this is simply because a mutual of mine had voiced that they felt someone had copied the concept of their drabble, and i was helping them word a message to send, so i went back to this exact conversation to look back on what i said because it was a similar situation. as you know, blocking someone hides their dms from your dm list, so i had intended to temporarily unblock her just to see how i worded my message to help formulate a message for a mutual. there were no screenshots sent, i simply wanted to jog my memory of my points, that’s all. i did forget to block her again for a bit but eventually did, and that’s the extent of our interactions. i don’t recall posts telling people that i condone sending anons with death threats like she has claimed, and if she could point out the particular posts i have made where i encourage people to send anon death threats on my behalf, i would be more than happy to clear them up, or address them. 

i have admittedly, on a few occasions said in my responses to anon hate itself, the phrase “kys” out of frustration, and there are i’m sure conflicting opinions on that, but i do not regularly use this phrase in my vocabulary. i have been on the receiving end of graphic sexual and violent asks in my inbox regarding me, my teenage sister, and my mother, during my time on here, and sometimes out of frustration i have said less than dignified things, but this is not a constant behavior, and frankly, i think once people make graphic, violent, and inappropriate comments about my 16 year old sister, saying “kys” in response is not the greater of the two evils. it is a tad bit hypocritical to expect benevolence from me to an anonymous hate ask just because there is “another person” at the end of the screen when they have not extended the same sentiment to me.  

all of that being said, jumping on the trend to trample on someone while you have the opportunity to because you’re bitter they blocked you is also no better than bullying. apart from blocking osaemu, I have taken careful steps to always be respectful to her due to the very kind comments she’s left on my writing. leaving nice comments on my writing is deeply appreciated and welcome, but that doesn’t mean i have to subject myself to seeing posts i do not want to see on my dash on my phone. i pay for the phone bill, so i will cater my phone to show me what i want to see, and if that includes blocking a few people, i am allowed to do that !! i should not have to apologize for or be crucified for blocking someone and their feelings being hurt over it. 

not only this, but several of you have somehow started a rumor that i am 26 or even pushing 30. that’s nowhere close to the truth. i’m 21, soon to be 22, and i have stated multiple times i am an undergraduate college student. of course, there is no timeline to college, and people of all ages complete their undergrad degrees, but i have made it a point to vent about my concerns numerous times that i am very stressed about taking extra classes every semester to compensate for changing my major late because i want to graduate on time. my graduation year is 2024 (as would make sense seeing as i will be 22 years old), and if you don’t believe me, i have celebrated my bday on april 12th of every year this blog has been active. you’re more than welcome to check my archive to see if that’s true, and for further reference, here is a picture i have sent to mods of servers i am in to be accepted. (note that my url used to be hanmas before saetoru.)

although there is no shame in being 26 or pushing 30, the reason why i wanted to address this is that i wanted to point out that yet another rumor has been fiercely pushed on my name and has been believed to be the truth. no one has to walk away from reading this post assuming that i’m a saint and i have never done anything wrong or that i have been faultless in differences i’ve had with other people. but a lot, if not all, of these claims are exaggerated with 0 evidence, and people have just run with claiming them as true. i physically cannot deny a large majority of these rumors with evidence or screenshots because half of them are made by people i have never interacted with or talked to, and i cannot produce evidence for interactions that never happened. i have seen blank, burner blogs post stories of their experiences with me, one in particular that claims i dm’d them to tell them their hanma fic was breathtaking before i harassed them about their theme, boyfriend, and parents. a) i do not dm anyone to compliment their fics because i am simply too shy to do that. i would have only reblogged the fic with comments if i enjoyed it. b) again, there is no evidence on their part, and i cannot dispel this story with evidence of my own because evidence of conversations that never took place does not exist. and c) i would like to think i do not come across as dense enough to attack someone in their dm’s viciously about their boyfriend and parents openly with my account, where they could easily spread the proof around if it had actually happened. i am not responsible for people’s internet literacy, and if people believe every story that is shared with not even a small piece of proof that it took place, i cannot do anything besides simply urge you all to formulate your opinions based on what you see, not based on what you hear. 

i would also like to end things off with an apology to all of you—mainly because there was no reason for so many of you to be dragged into something that did not involve you and also because there are very disturbing and important issues going on right now in real-time in the world that are affecting a lot of people. i never want to be involved in something that takes attention off of important discussions such as genocide, and while many of you like to claim i am deflecting, i think it is quite telling that some people have posted nothing about something this important but have made multiple posts regarding discourse. i did not feel it was appropriate at that time to focus on discourse, and i still do not think so, but i wanted to leave off with my own statement.

i would also like to apologize if i have ever come across as unkind during an experience with me; it is never my intention to be that way purposely. i have a habit of being petty sometimes and can be a bit short-tempered, and it’s something i work on. with as large of a following as i have, sometimes it’s better not to say anything at all than say it—however vaguely it might be. i hope some of you who also have larger followings keep that in mind so that you can avoid discourse erupting into something grand scale. please vent to people you trust and be wary of having a habit to subpost. but mainly, please remember that people trusting you with their feelings and troubles is not something you should take pride in spreading. there is nothing to be proud of about sharing people's private socials, urls, and conversations. while i am not always able to keep my temper under wraps, and while i have had my fair share of petty moments, i, to the best of my ability, have always made sure that i don’t come across as intentionally cruel or mean, nor have i purposely broken someone’s trust. sometimes i have retaliated back a bit fiercely, but i stand by the fact that i never purposely chased or drove anyone off, mocked or belittled them, or sent people over to dislike/hate them. i have at times vented to those who i believe are people i can trust, sure—but this is something we as people are all guilty of. there’s no way any of us can hold one person more accountable than others for partaking in closeted conversations that are never meant to get back to people and hurt them. 

i genuinely loved, and still love, writing very much, and i have always appreciated every ask, every reblog, and every comment. writing is a hobby i am greatly passionate about, and it’s always a hobby i was very excited to share with people on here because i don’t get to share it with people irl. i don’t willingly tell people irl that i enjoy making elaborate plots about anime characters, and i have always been very excited to share that hobby with you all, whether you are a reader or writer. i’ve read fanfiction for a very long time before i ever decided to try my hand at writing it, and i would never want to knock other people down simply because they “surpassed” me. i enjoy finding writers to read from, especially those who write better than me, because they are where i draw the most inspiration and motivation from. the moots i look up to most are moots who are in my opinion, far stronger writers than me, and moots who i always firmly believe deserve much more reach than i do on their stories because they’re far more fleshed out and in-depth than anything i can produce. and i am proud of them !! and even those of you who feel you are stuck not getting as much reach as you would hope, i am proud also of all of you for picking up a google doc or pen and writing and trying, whether you choose to share it or not. i will always strongly encourage you all to try your hand at writing if you have ever considered it because i have genuinely built such a better sense of self-esteem when being able to incorporate pieces of myself in my stories and express parts of who i am—i think some of you might really enjoy the catharsis that writing brings, and if you ever debate on trying it out, please do !! you might become really passionate about it. 

anyway, this post is abysmally long. none of it is to clear my name in hopes that i will be “un-canceled” (LOL) because i have decided saetoru is long overdue to be put to rest. i hope you can all, at the very least, allow other writers some peace and stop harassing them in their inboxes for knowing me (because that is also bullying and very ironic of you), and i hope you all got some sort of understanding of where i am coming from. if you think poorly of me, that’s okay. i have an opinion of myself, and the close people who surround me, that i am confident in, and while i may not have always handled things in the brightest of manners, i am well aware of what my intentions have always been. 

i’m deeply grateful to all 41k of you, and thank you for reading my works and allowing me to write for you !! thank you for all the very, very kind asks that i never got a chance to fully answer each one of, and thank you especially for all the supportive comments and love on the writing i’ve posted. they might be silly fics you read once and moved on from, but they’re all pieces of me, my life, and things that are important to me, and as cringe and cheesy as it sounds, it means quite literally everything to me when people read them and take away something from them. 

also, as a parting gift, i will be posting the nerd gojo, ex-convict geto, and a marriage rb! gojo fic to my ao3 (also saetoru) for those of you who have been patiently awaiting those wips to enjoy. please (a little more patiently) keep your eyes peeled for those <3 i will no longer be posting or active on saetoru, and in the event that i keep writing, it will be posted on my ao3, so you all will know where to find me !!

so for the last time, i love you my little runts !! wishing you all the best, and goodbye to my lil saetoru bestees. 

mwah !!

— tee <3

ps. i also have turned off reblogs for this post and limited replies to people i follow only. a lot of you will jump to say that it’s simply because i am “hiding,” but it is solely because i have said my piece and i intend to move on. thank you and have a lovely day shawtee ✌🏽

#thanks to all my mutuals who have reached out !! i love you all #and i will miss you tons !!

[flynnarts]

Some Extras About Me! (Where I can Rant and no one shall stop me >:D)

Tags!

• #FlynnDoesArtShit - For mah Art

Lill’ Things I’ve Done

Keys and Locks : An OC Comic Masterpost

Besties!

@minkschasijasi, My IRL Bestie too!

@frilled-cheese-sandwich, Art buddy and Reblog Mate!

@clownpalette, Thank you for being a Mootie, I still can't believe you followed back, Love your art! (and lore lol) <3

@naughtynoodlestogo, IDK HOW you decided to follow me back, but uh- yeah! Your Vox art is amazing.

@kevin-ibw, art and au is AMAZING and I love <3

@rose-morose, because you're a consistent! Plus I got to show you what BWU was <3

@justletmereadmycomics, ah yes. Mooties over the boop war. Memories-

@goofyroxy, you are always one of my 'Biggest Fans', so I have to shout you out by now (Vox and Roxy- amazing)

@lotsofstupidshit, because you're awesome and the first person I reached out to in DM's other than Jasi!

@volatilechemicalz, writing style is amazing, my turtle booping moot introduced me to you :D

@mysterybooks-world, I see you! Blog scroller. You pop up often enough in my activity so now I know who you are :D

@im-bored-so-i-draw, but like, cat.

@bag-of-milk69, I SAW YOU. I didn't have a lot of activity that day, and then I get a butt ton of notifs. I ranted about you to Jasi multiple times <3

All my Mooties, I love you so much, I just can’t remember your names-

Find Me!

Ao3 Account - FlynnWrites -A few random OC stories Youtube - Flynn Corvus -Like, nothing here lol Instagram - Flynn.PurpleChaos -I post Aesthetic Photos here!

#meet the artist #info page #My art #Look! A new pinned post

[suwbuns]

broo i love your e-daters fic it’s so good!! also i saw you using “soobie boobie” in the first chapter! idk if you know me or follow me on instagram but my handle is the same as here and i created the soobie boobie cult at the beginning of my activity and idk when i saw this i just felt like i need to talk to you, maybe you don’t even know about it from me or anything but idk i just wanted to reach out and ask if you wanna chat someday??😭 you seem cool, text me on my insta if you want to and feel comfortable obv<3 love ya!!🤍

AWW HII thank you for reading my story i appreciate it sm :(( ALSO ITS SO COOL THAT U STARTED THE SOOBIEBOOBIE THING HEHE ive seen some moots on my twitter use it so i just incorporated it into my story hehe. ALSO ID LOVE TO CHAT BUT UNFORTUNATELY I DONT HAVE INSTA AT THE MOMENT (deleted it for the mean time cus of my new years resolution lolol) BUT I DO HAVE TWITTER WHICH IS THE SAME AS MY @ HERE IF U HAVE IT I PROMISE IM NOT A WEIRD STANTWT PERSON LMFAO 😭😭 but if not its okayy thank you for interacting and reaching out to me i hope u have an amazing dayy 🫶🫶

[tobstep]

*UHHH IM NOT FAMILIAR WITH TUMBLR AT ALL*

Just a lil about me:

I'm TJ - or Toby - he/him only please!

I'm a huge Fallout fan, my favourite games being Fo3 and FoNV. I've been a fan since 2019 (?) - Fo76 was indeed my first Fallout game lol. I've played Fo3, FoNV, Fo4, and Fo76)

I'm more active on Instagram (@tjsfalloutism / @nashierthanu), but I also use twitter (@nashiertob)

I'll probably post oc related stuff - at the moment I'm hyperfixated on my fallout ocs (who are just my lone wanderer and courier six)

I'm generally a BOS fan - however I'm not fond of West BOS. I'm pretty chill with the rest of the factions, but I am a Legion, Enclave and Fiends hater. Big fan of Arcade, Ed-e, Nick Valentine, and Paladin Cross - and of course Dogmeat and Rex <3

Other than Fallout, I'm a pretty big Saw 2004 fan, along with Pyrocynical.

I'm on the aroace spectrum, might be bi, or gay, idrc i have a job rn :(

I'm 17, so nsfw dni.

**DNI PROSHIPPERS/NEUTRALS**

Basic dni from here; e.g Homo/trans/xenophobic, racist, zionist, antisemitic etc.

IM TOO AWKWARD TO ASK TO BE MOOTS BUT I'M OKAY IF YOU ASK! Especially you fw lw x courier

[ameliasbitvh]

ahhhh! thank you all soso much for the 300 followers! i just hit 200 last week?! how are there 300 of you? i honestly don’t know, but i started this account as a place to just read smut and then i decided to post on here. the reason why my first post was angst was because i was being a slut for angst to feel something in those few moments- okay i’ll stop myself right there. for this milestone i’m going to do mutual appreciation for the moots i’ve interacted with the most so far! (if we’re moots and u wanna interact pls do, i’m not scary!)

okayy first up,

@underappreciated-spoon-321

i love you so much bby, i could not believe it when you followed me. i was legit crying happy tears and i specifically remember you followed me after i posted “needy” random lol.

your writing is immaculate, absolutely lovely. ur smut *chefs kisses* i love that you put up with my shit photos that i send you and that you actually ask for more- but it baffled me when you first interacted with me, this was my reaction

*deep breath* “omfg! (ur username) just interacted with me, wtf do i do?!” also ur nick name reminds me of belly from dear, draco.

i’m not writing a lot, bc for your sleepover i wrote you a damn paragraph 😭 but i love u sm belly!! 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

@dracoskinks

ARI! i love talking to you, bc i can talk about anything and when i say anything i mean anything. like kinks, porn, random draco scenarios, etc… you are one of the funniest people i have seen on this app.

ur blunt and funny at the same time, it just makes it more fun to talk to you. ur smut is soso good, bc i don’t find a lot of smut with a dom!reader and sub!draco.

i remember you followed me, so out of curiosity i checked out your blog and saw your piss kink fic and that did it for me. after that i followed you back and we became moots ajnwja. when ur first account got terminated you scared me so fucking much, because i thought you were going to leave tumblr forever. don’t. ever. play. like. that. again. i’m glad we became moots bc i fucking love you <3

@opalsheart

I LOVE YOU SM! i think u were the first moot that i interacted with in direct messages, bc you had tea to spill, and ever since than we’ve been #4lifers. you send me edits and hate on t*m felton with me on instagram. you were the first mutual to know what i looked like lmaoo. u r an absolute goddess, bestie, like what- i know that you can pull anyone you want, so stop playing when you talk about someone.

even though we have a fucking 12 hour time difference, we still find time to talk to each other. it is so fun talking with you and the fact that when we talk it’s night for one of us. you let me send that stupid tik tok of ed sheeran and t*m felton to you and it probably haunts your dreams now ajnwajsj-

i appreciate that you study ur MF ass off for your exams, bc i could never. and you even send me those cute memes when i wake up- also we better be watching those true crime documentaries, bc i’m still waiting. idc if we have a time difference :) anyways ILY SM ELLIE !! <3

@laceycallisto

okay- where do i even get started with this. we first interacted when i reblogged that draco fan fic and we reblogged talking about how desperate we were trying to find that iconic fic. and i forgot that the creator could see all the reblogging we were doing- you texted me directly about adding my name into your tags, which obviously i agreed to. then we just started talking about random shit like how we were superior because we were june geminis. or how we talked about being in love with remus lupin.

i have vivid flash backs of how your remus fic hurt me. i cried my false lashes off proof reading janajaj- bestie- you’ve seen me cry ajnwja- your writing is ethereal, i don’t know how you can see that? your so nice too, like girly u gave me ur netflix within like a day of knowing each other 💀 we watched bridgerton in two mother fucking sittings. we ate that bridgerton hoe up!

all ur input on the scenes were so funny like the “with child” and “dicking” comments 😭 i love how it’s so easy to talk to you about everything, like how dumb i am- even talking about the privilege of being poc and not burning in the sun. bruh u even let me tag u in dumb tik tok videos, like what?! and i think your the only mutual i have that’s in the same time zone as me… also we better binge the next season. but ily sm, ur like my older sister, even if u say ur life is shitty 😭 <3

@dracomalfoys-wh0re

honestly, kacia. i owe a lot to you for my account being “found” or whatever, bc you reblogged a fic of mine, i’m pretty sure it was “common room” and that’s when i started getting notes and followers najajwjwj- you might not know that but i do 💀 i will forever remember that.

you literally were one of the first accounts ever- to follow me. and i won’t lie, i went crazy when u followed me because i love your fics so much! you are so funny and blunt too i swear 😭

and can we talk about your tom riddle fic? like?!the fact that you really showed tom’s true personality and character. every world had me enthralled further into the fic, the way you wrote him is exactly how i think tom riddle would act towards his s/o. his toxicity and gaslighting is too accurate.

moving on from the discussion of your fic, which is amazing, ily sm babe!!

@yoooespinosa

we’ve interacted a few times and when u texted me directly saying that you thought i was sweet, i literally went, “omg- people think i’m sweet” in a good way, not bad jkwajjw- can i just get started on your writing, because oh. my. fucking. god. it is the most captivating and heart breaking thing i’ve ever seen- the emotions that you put into every word completes the entire fic. every angst piece that you have written, made me cry or made something inside me just twist with sadness. it is truly lovely and magnificent.

how do ur fics not get thousands of notes? because everyone should see what you write, it’s unfair that others haven’t seen your fics. when u explained your dream to me, i swear you practically wrote a whole fic 😭

i remember u said that you wanted to do a face reveal, but we’re scared. bestie what are you scared of? you look like an ANGEL!! and if anyone were to disagree, they are obviously blind. but ily bestie <3

@o-rion-sta-r

BESTIE BAE ORION i love you so much!interacting with you is honestly so fun. and i remember like literally yesterday we were trying to figure out ari’s time zone and we were freaking out. you, ari, and me all have a fucking time difference 😭 it sucks so much!

at least every day you ask me how my days been and i think that’s so sweet, because before i got on tumblr people didn’t ask that question. i appreciate that you ask me that and just random questions in general, because i love interacting with you so much. and you should start writing bby! i will reblog anything you write, also ily sm <3

@ilygw

we don’t talk a lot, but you seem like a fun person! i love seeing all the edits you post on here, bc honestly i need more ferret boy content. i know there is a lot, but i feel like i’ve seen all of them. until i see you posting a new edit and i’m like, “okay… i guess i haven’t seen every draco edit” but that’s all i have lol, ly!!

@arcaneslut

to be honest, you seemed so intimidating to me. i know you said you’re not, but to me you seemed really scary even though i knew you weren’t 😭 i just interacted with you recently and you are so sweet i swear! i love all ur fics, especially “and then i felt nothing” because when i read this fic you better believe i was crying so hard- to the point where i couldn’t breath- everything was written so beautifully, i couldn’t believe it.

i love how one thing we share in common is losing our phones 💀 but i just wanted to say thank you for explaining the whole sleepover and celebration things to me! even tho we just started interacting i already love u!!

moots bc i’m in love with all of them: @just-a-smol-spoon @dreamy-clousds @dracoskinks @unedibledaisyduck @thatsassyhufflepuff @a-aexotic @l0vely-lupin @gothboutique @wolfstar4lifee @littlemissnoname13 @deatthfairy @arcaneslut @ladyvesuvia @laceycallisto @dracossweetprincess @the-lonely-poet-loves-to-weep @realityblocked @harmqnia @yoooespinosa @opalsheart @lilscloud @cupids-crystals @mellifluousart @lunas-kisses @malfoysmainb @klauscarolove @crystxlss @beforeoursunsets @marrymetheonott @queeriacs @electriclocean @dlmmdl @o-rion-sta-r @sfdlm @ilygw @desiredmalfoy @underappreciated-spoon-321 @draco-and-tom @hellounicorn @mugglesthesedays @dracomalfoys-wh0re

if i didn’t tag u it’s bc i can’t tag more than 50 blogs :(

#eve’s 300 moot appreciation

[twinklelilstarkey]

Here is the storytime, as requested by my beloved moots @mrs-cameron and @chelseasdagger. THIS IS A LONG STORY, HANG TIGHT!! IT IS WORTH IT BECAUSE THE TEA IS ACTUALLY KINDA LUKEWARM.

TW: Very very very slight mentions of r@pe.

Okay so. The first time I heard of these guys (I believe they're just like 6 men), it was in my college's group chat. We're like 230+ ppl in there.

People were really mad in there with them and expressing their hatred towards them, and thankfully, people, that were just as lost as me, happened to ask what happened. And, just to give a little context, they (the group) have an Insta and a Twitter account for their newspaper, and they're known to say a lot of shit there.

One of them happened to make a joke, and I quote, about "consented r@pe" and how that is something that he loves (the person explaining didn't give us much detail). I know that it makes no sense, but know that they found this joke *hilarious* while others were furious.

Later I was told that they are known to be very conservative and tend to never take anyone's opinion on a matter if they don't agree. They will be disrespectful and not want to listen to you. Ever.

Today they made a post on Instagram which reached me because people that I follow got mad in their insta-stories. They made a whole post with 4+ photos and a long-ass description just to shit on all the students that complaint about our college on the internet, made the petition to ask for all online classes, and talked to our tv news stations last year.

Why would people complain about our college, you ask? Well, buckle up, girly, you're in for a ride.

- We had (is now being demolished due to another petition, I think) a 20-year-old building that had holes in the ceiling which made water come in through the roof every time it rained;

- People have seen countless rats and cockroaches;

- There were metal beams (which I saw) practically holding parts of archways and ceiling together;

- People (mostly girls) had to wait sometimes a total of half an hour to use a bathroom in our main building - which ended up with some of us having to use bathrooms of the faculty in front of ours, which is a part of the campus.

- And finally, (for context: half of our classes were online and the rest were normally done in a classroom just to "have fewer people in college due to the pandemic"...) People ended up having zoom classes in the hallways, sitting on the ground, because everyone has a different schedule in public colleges in Portugal (we had classrooms for these classes but we couldn't talk while in there, so if we wanted to participate, we had to sit in the hallways).

NOW. What did they do? They discredited every single complaint, saying that it was a bunch of bullshit and people only complaint for either attention or for the sake of lying.

This is just an example: a girl commented something like "i studied there for 3 years and I saw (number) rats, (number) roaches, and the bathrooms yada yada yada." I KID YOU NOT, THEY START THEIR COMMENT BACK AS: "Hi, princess."

Professional, don't ya think?

And that went on and on and on for more than probably 20 other comment threads of them shit-talking everyone that tried to tell their stories and experiences, saying how those who talked to tv stations (i was one of them, but I never said anything scandalous) were just lying and just wanted something to complain about.

The only people they were respectful with were the old ass guys on there that studied there YEARS AGO, probably when the building was still new, and who normalized the existence of rats and roaches walking around.

So... yeah. That's all I have on them. For now. Don't they seem like such nice people???? (sarcasm)

#Rita socializes #college things

[hoes4hoseok]

what was your first impression of your moots?

no one has ever sent me something anonymously wow thanks 👁️👄👁️ (also this gets off-topic and turns into a love distribution fest later so...)

if I'm being honest, i had already started a mf thanksgiving post but scrapped it bc I thought I could combine these two. I started writing this MID-NOVEMBER.

disclaimer: i didn't do every single one of my moots, bit I've been writing this for over a month so cut me some slack.

ALSO I have a ton of typos and switch between 1st and 2nd person multiple times so please excuse the terrible writing😭

&& before I begin, I'd like to thank everyone who was patient and caring while I was gone. it means a lot. I love you all, and happy holidays (and new year at this point💀) to everyone who celebrates!

okay! here we go:

@hanniiesuckle17 -> okay so I started by low-key binging her stray kids works and then was like '🤩 I have to comment, this is too good'. so I did, and she was like...the sweetest? fr I was so happy because I had never interacted here and was super awk. I truly appreciate how kind she was to me when I was still new to tumblr; it made me confident enough to interact with people more and I can't thank her enough for it 🥺💘

@hyukaite -> kat! AHHH I remember following you bc I saw one of your blue hour concept photo (?) edits and was like "🤩 I want more". and then you asked if anyone wanted to play among us a couple of days later and I said HELL YES and joined && it was prob my best decision of october lmao <3 I remember thinking that you prob didn't wanna talk to me though so 🙈. thank you for being so fun and always making me laugh w your clapped instagram reels! you're active so often and I love talking to you about the most random shit (even when we were faking 99% of what we were saying DNFJFKFKFK resin)

@unlocktxt -> I'mma start w how much I admire you bc...well, I REALLY DO—you're so carefree (when appropriate ʕ´•ᴥ•`ʔ) and on the first day we made au moas I remember feeling 1000% more comfortable after listening and watching you jam out to everlasting shine hehe. (I also rlly appreciate (and admire) that you're always the quickest to realize when someone feels uncomfortable and checking in when you can🥺)

@strykiss -> our friendship had a very ✨unique✨ start but hERE WE ARE. I literally just thought you were young. like. you radiated pure positive ((& baby)) vibes. OKAY in all seriousness, you bring positive energy w you wherever you go and I love that for you ( ◜‿◝ )♡. it makes me so happy when you start saying what ever amie-talk there is for the day, even when I'm just reading your conversations in our group. again, you're a constant energizer whether you're trying to playing some new game w kat and lexi or if you're just talking like you usually do. this felt super repetitive but I hope it gets the point across—ly amie!

@missskzbiased -> my mbti pal! I was surprised that someone actually wanted to talk to me DNFIFJFJ but I'm soooo glad we did. thank you for tagging me in tag games (&& not getting annoyed when I tag you in everything dncjfjcj) and being one of my first friends here🥰you're super sweet and I love interacting w you a lot🥺

@kkuming -> GIGI—well, there were a few things that I remember thinking upon meeting you, one of them being that you and kat were deadass soulmates😌like no joke you two got along so well so....anyways, you were also very sweet but I felt like your "I don't swear thing" was an act at the time LMAO

@yawnjunie -> blu! the mastermind who sensed my seokmin energy (still got no idea how you did it but 🧠). okay when we first started talking i thought you were hella smart for your age—at least, that's what I got from that first stats exchange lmao (you weren't very active back then either🗿 [december piper is cringing bc she's much worse] but ily anyways:D💕)

@softbbyg0rl -> YOU WERE ALWAYS SO SWEET (♡ω♡ ) ~♪ LIKE IDK I JUST REALLY LIKED YOU. you also had sick makeup and art skills and I always have thought that you're really pretty<3 also, I'm glad we started talking again recently and I hope we continue💘

#piper things #moots #lexi 🍓 #amie ❤️

[alwaysspeakshermind]

Top 5 Anti-Varchie Arguments & Why They Make No Sense

#5: “Varchie’s so bland/there’s no chemistry between them at all.”

[Note: I would like to apologize in advance to anyone/everyone upon whose timelines I’m inflicting this series of semi-rant-y posts. Someone on Pinterest felt the urge to leave an outraged comment about why they hate Varchie on one of my pictures (clearly, they confused Pinterest with Twitter/Tumblr/Instagram), and it was so unnecessary and full of all the usual incorrect twaddle I see used on SM to discount A&V’s relationship that it annoyed me and made me decide to go ahead and start writing all the refutations I’ve been keeping to myself since S2 released its first trailer and the essay-length grumbles began. Because as much as I try to steer clear of entering this type of fight, I have trouble standing by when obviously-wrong conclusions are being drawn from obviously-misconstrued information and being presented as fact. And since it doesn’t take me long to write analysis-type posts, my usual ‘I don’t have time for this nonsense’ excuse is kind of removed.]

Right, so…chemistry. Two quick things:

Number one, on-screen chemistry is about rapport between actors, and just because a specific romantic pairing does not personally do it for you does not mean that they lack chemistry. 

Number two, in acting/performance art, chemistry is a tangible, quantifiable aspect necessary to any and all interactions between performers, so it is essentially false to state that any pairing that has made it to TV is utterly without chemistry. For writers to allow a couple to happen at all, for actors to even be cast in the first place, at least some chemistry must be present; it’s simply a matter of what kind of chemistry each pairing has, how much, and how well that chemistry translates onscreen.

Random example: Prior to Friends, Lisa Kudrow (Phoebe) was cast as Roz in Fraiser, but was subsequently replaced with Peri Gilpin because the latter’s onscreen chemistry was better with Kelsey Grammer (Fraiser). It was not a romantic chemistry issue. It was not a no chemistry, period between the actors issue. It was just that there wasn’t enough of the right kind of chemistry, which made the Kudrow/Grammar dynamic less compelling than desired.

Chemistry is, however, notoriously difficult to explain if you’re not familiar with most generally accepted forms of film-criticism, so I feel it’s useless to try proving anything with examples pulled directly from source material—for instance, anyone relatively adept at dissecting performance can see at once how the entire Riverdale pilot showcases the chemistry between Archie and Veronica so that the closet scene feels like a natural culmination of something that began the second they saw each other. If you can watch that episode from start to finish, pronounce “no chemistry” and actually believe it, providing textual evidence and defining terms is going to be a waste of time.

So instead, I’ll take the common sense route and just point out you may rest assured that with Riverdale, a show based in roughly half a century’s worth of comic history, everyone involved in the casting knew going into it that romantic chemistry between the actors playing Archie and Veronica was an absolute must. KJ Apa and Camila Mendes would not be playing the parts they are if they were unable to create any sort of romantic chemistry between them, and S1 would most certainly not have chosen to set up a Varchie relationship from the get-go—much less have continued to emphasize a budding Varchie relationship throughout—if that romantic chemistry had not translated onscreen. Ditto for S2 and S3.

Also, take my word for it: I’m here. It takes a *lot* of chemistry for me to get involved in a ship (to the point that nearly every ship I have ever shipped has involved actors who were married/dating at the time, or eventually married/began dating), and it really takes a lot of chemistry to get me involved with a teen ship because I didn’t like most teen shows back when I was a teen. Yet Varchie’s chemistry popped enough onscreen to reel me in. 

What does all this have to with anything?

Well, in short, claiming Archie and Veronica are “bland” or “without chemistry” is attempting to apply objective terms to a subjective opinion, so if you’re going to do that, it automatically opens your contention up to a couple of counter-arguments:

(1) You are objectively wrong, because by all acting terms/definitions/standards, Archie and Veronica have chemistry. 

(2) You are objectively wrong because you are in essence saying that you do not see/understand the verifiable evidence set before you. (In other words, you have metaphorically gazed upon the color red and announced “this is not red.”)

(3) You are subjectively wrong because you are stating your based-in-subjectivity opinion as fact which inherently implies that you believe subjectivity is allowable in an argument. And if you believe subjectivity is allowable in an argument, than you are essentially contending that someone else’s opposing opinion is just as valid as yours, meaning anyone who says “Varchie has the best chemistry” is just as correct as you are, and your entire point becomes moot. 

Although you may not like Varchie’s dynamic/prefer another dynamic over theirs, attempting to file your dislike under the headings of blandness or zero chemistry simply labels you as someone who either cannot grasp the concept of chemistry in relation to acting, or someone who is too stubborn to admit to its presence. (And to be frank, neither option paints your intelligence in a favorable light.)

Personally, I’d like to think this argument gets used so often because most people just don’t understand what onscreen chemistry truly is/how it can be platonic or sexual and what denotes platonic or sexual/how it can exist between actors who hate each other and not exist between actors who love each other/how it can be organic or crafted through sheer effort, etc. Or that it keeps recurring because people just don’t interact with enough different types of people to understand that certain actions mean different things depending on who’s doing them.

But while I get that people have different preferences when it comes to romantic dynamics and interpret certain actions differently, based on the always-solid-yet-consistently-underrated performances KJ Apa and Camila Mendes have been delivering since the pilot, I have trouble buying that the oft-repeated cry of “no chemistry” is due solely to a feeble understanding of what that term means. Based on the inconsistent scads of oddball scenes/out-of-context facial expressions I’ve seen cited as “proof,” it seems a lot more like this argument is a camouflaged complaint against storylines people would like to have for their favorite couple, or the fact that one romantic trope was chosen over another (both of which are other posts entirely).

So, yeah. Pro-tip: choosing an argument that puts you in the position of disputing readily-observable facts is never the way to go. 

If you hate the Varchie pairing and want to talk about how much you hate it, okay. It’d be a nice gesture if you didn’t do in the Varchie tags or on people’s pictures that were literally only tagged Archie/Veronica which means you had to search those terms to announce your dislike and who on earth deliberately goes looking for things they hate, seriously, go search happy puppies or something instead, I promise it’ll make you feel better. You’re allowed to hate things, and you’re absolutely allowed to irrationally hate things. Just don’t confuse your irrational hatred with reasonable dislike, because the two reactions are not at all interchangeable. 

Also? Maybe don’t try so hard to justify irrational hatred with the ‘Varchie has no chemistry’ argument, because any viewer with a working brain can see at once that the visible evidence simply doesn’t back you up. And citing a source (scenes from the show) that disproves your entire thesis doesn’t exactly lend credence to your assertion.

#varchie #archie x veronica #riverdale opinion #rant #my opinion #my post #what do i even tag this as #anti anti Varchie perhaps?

[dvp95]

can’t breathe when you touch my sleeve - chapter 3

pairing: dan howell/phil lester

rating: e (eventually)

warnings: none

tags: alternate universe, slow burn, fluff & humour, tiny bit of inner turmoil wrt sexuality but trust me it’s not that deep, eventual smut, idiots in love

word count: 3,385 for this chapter (12,653 total)

summary: Dan keeps making a fool of himself in interviews, to the point where it’s basically a meme. Now he’s got to sit down for the better part of an hour and sell his show to the YouTuber he’d had a massive crush on when he was a teenager.

read from the beginning on ao3 or on tumblr!

read this chapter on ao3 or here!

Dan has been dreading the seemingly-inevitable call from his family, now that filmed interviews are being uploaded and live interviews are starting in the next few days, so he’s almost disappointed when it never comes.

Surely his parents know he’s in London. There’s promotion for his show on a couple different channels they watch, and his dad has always been fairly good at keeping up with entertainment news. Adrian follows him on Instagram, but - and Dan isn’t proud of this - he can’t remember if Adrian still lives in Wokingham or not. He can’t even remember how old Adrian is without doing the math.

So maybe they haven’t been keeping up with Netflix shit, maybe Adrian isn’t home to tell their parents that he’s in town, but surely, surely some well-meaning friend of the family will say something? That’s always been the case when he comes to town.

After almost a whole week, though, Dan cracks. He calls his mum. It goes to voicemail.

That makes him panic a little, but she texts him an, at work … call you when I’m home x. So, questionable ellipses usage aside, Dan is comfortably reassured that his entire family isn’t dead.

Dan busies himself with catching up on the Heatwave cast interviews he hasn’t watched yet. Patrick doesn’t like to watch them and Jaime couldn’t give a shit one way or the other, but Dan is unable to allow a video of him to exist without knowing exactly what it contains. That’s a control thing, mostly, but he also doesn’t want to be blindsided by a new Daniel Interview Meme that he doesn’t understand.

He types his own name into the YouTube search bar and feels his heartrate pick up when he sees a thumbnail from BBC Radio One.

Thinking about Phil makes his heart race like he’s a teenager with a crush, and he presses play just so he can listen to Phil talk. He can barely remember what he said in the interview, so completely caught up in Phil’s eyes and grin as he’d been.

The interview itself is good. Nothing special, in terms of the actual things they talk about, but Dan can feel the difference in the way he speaks to Phil versus the way he’s spoken to anyone else - comfort. He had been so immediately comfortable with their back-and-forth, only awkward because he’d been trying so hard not to think about what Phil looked like under his nice clothes.

Dan wonders if anyone else can see the difference or if he only notices because he’s so attuned to his own body language, has the advantage of knowing the whole context.

He scrolls idly through the comments and feels heat rise to his face.

Yeah. People noticed.

Lots of comments are just about Dan or the show or the lack of Patrick or Jaime, but there’s more than a few that are about Dan and Phil’s apparent chemistry. Phil, being an out gay man with no partner and a fanbase, probably has to deal with these types of comments all the time, but it’s new for Dan.

Dan shakes his head to try and clear it. He doesn’t want to get stuck in YouTube comments and feel impotent irritation every time someone replies, ‘uh, Daniel Howell is straight’, like they know him. Like he’s ever said that.

He’s been photographed with women, because he’s casually dated them over the past decade, but he’s never said he’s straight. And it never works out with them anyway.

Dating girls is fine - they’re all softness and little sighs and hands that look so extremely small wrapped in his own - but he doesn’t think he can ever be with one for a significant amount of time. That thought is one he usually keeps locked in his mental box, but. He doesn’t shy away from it this time.

Even if he could admit it to himself proper, it’s easier for Dan to just not talk about it publicly. He hasn’t dated anyone seriously enough for it to be an issue in ten years. Nobody needs to know that every time he’s inside a woman he remembers why it never progresses past that.

It’s fine. It’s always fine. It’s just, if he’s completely honest with himself, 'fine’ isn’t what he wants to settle for.

“Moot point anyway,” Dan mumbles to himself, clicking over to Phil’s channel for a distraction. “Not like you’re gonna do anything about it, you big fucking coward.”

Phil has uploaded the video he told Dan about when Dan was busy trying not to stare at his mouth. It’s such a welcome distraction that Dan almost doesn’t clock the title and thumbnail for the buffoonery they are.

IS MY DOG PSYCHIC?

The title doesn’t change when Dan blinks. Neither does the image of Thor, edited to be wearing round glasses in front of a crystal ball.

“What,” Dan says, clicking on the video before any of it really sinks in.

“Hi guys,” says Phil. He already looks like he’s trying not to laugh. “I know you read the title and you’re like, what, but I promise it is not clickbait! As I’m sure many of you know, my grandma had 'the gift’, and sometimes I think she passed it on to me. The question is, did I pass it on to my son?”

Phil pulls an over-exaggerated thoughtful expression and then breaks, giggling and shaking his head at himself.

“I know it’s stupid, but, I also figured it might be funny? I dunno, you tell me.”

It’s exactly as silly as Dan expects it to be. Phil sits on his floor with Thor while the dog 'reads’ his tarot cards. Dan can see why this video gave Phil a hard time in editing. There are a lot of close ups of Thor and the cards, filmed more like a comedy skit than a vlog.

He finds himself laughing along and getting way too invested in what the tarot cards mean, and he knows first hand how much work Phil put into this, so Dan clicks the share button before he can overthink it.

tbh watching amazingthorgi do anything could make a believer out of me, he tweets alongside the link.

Most of America is asleep still, but that doesn’t stop hundreds of people replying. Dan’s really got nothing better to do while he waits for his mum to call, so he settles in to respond to some of them. He makes a couple bad jokes, commiserates with some of them over not being able to have a dog yet, and ignores any mention of Phil.

Maybe that’s childish of him. He is sharing Phil’s work, after all. He sighs and replies to an innocuous question about how he knows Phil. met during this and then he let me meet his dog so now he’s not getting rid of me, Dan says with a link to the BBC Radio One interview.

His phone chirps with a Twitter notification and he taps it warily, still scrolling through replies on his laptop.

@AmazingPhil @danielhowell You saw his face now you’re a believer? He’ll tell your fortune anytime! It’s accompanied with dog and sparkle and crystal ball and, inexplicably, sock emojis.

Dan laughs, the sound of it almost surprising him. It’s impossible not to feel some kind of way when Phil is the way he is, so cheerful and dorky and fun.

He likes the tweet, but responds by messaging Phil - do you have me on notif or are you just always online - because he doesn’t want to add any more fuel to the fire that is Twitter stans. He can already imagine the argument threads about his sexuality that he usually tries so hard to avoid.

The thought of strangers picking apart something he’s not even comfortable with himself is abhorrent, makes him itch, and he puts on some older AmazingPhil videos to calm himself back down.

That depends

on?

Which one is lamer lmao

Phil’s voice filling the lonely hotel room and his words taking up space on Dan’s screen where something anxiety-inducing might have otherwise been is almost enough to make Dan as comfortable as Phil’s physical presence does.

Almost. It’s unreal how much Dan wants to reach through both of his screens to pull Phil closer.

Dan hides his smile in his hand, even though nobody is around to see it, and replies, tbh those are equally lame so you might as well go with the truth

I was on Twitter anyway. I really shouldn’t be, I’m supposed to be responding to emails. Phil keeps typing, then stops, then repeats that process a few times before he finally adds, I should go do that, but you can call or facetime me if you want to keep talking or whatever? It’s easier not to type/text while I’m doing emails lol

And, in a third message, a string of numbers. Phil’s phone number.

Well, that sounds better than using Phil’s videos as background noise. Dan shuts his laptop and gets out of bed to fuss with his hair.

“You’re such an idiot,” he tells his judgemental reflection. It, thankfully, does not respond.

Once he’s gotten his hair into some semblance of order - it’s mostly still straight from yesterday, but it got all sleep-mussed and a bit wavy in the front overnight - Dan tosses on a shirt and video calls the number Phil gave him.

Phil picks up with a big grin and sleepy eyes, and Dan almost hangs up on him to stop the heart palpitations in their tracks. “Hi!”

“Hey, you just wake up?” Dan asks, getting comfortable in the hotel room armchair. It feels weird to lie back down in bed while they’re chatting. Phil is at his desk, phone propped up so he can use both hands to type. His glasses are a little crooked and his shirt is too big on him, exposing his collarbones whenever he leans forward. Unfortunately, he looks like serious wank material right now.

“Yeah, had my first coffee already, though,” says Phil. “You would not like me before my coffee.”

“Barely like you now, mate,” Dan says to try and hide his blush at the idea of seeing Phil first thing in the morning. Phil just laughs. It’s tinny through Dan’s phone speaker, but it still makes Dan feel warm.

“You’re awfully chatty for someone who doesn’t like me,” says Phil.

“I’m only bored, don’t flatter yourself,” says Dan. “My mum’s supposed to call me in a few hours, so I’m just kind of waiting around til then.”

“Oh, yeah, you haven’t had the chance to go home yet, have you?” Phil’s tongue pokes out between his teeth as he concentrates on whatever he’s reading. “My mum would be going out of her gourd. When was the last time you went home?”

Dan doesn’t really like the way that Phil keeps calling it 'home.’ Wokingham hasn’t been home in a very long time.

He doesn’t want to get into that, though, so he just shrugs. “Uh, Christmas?”

“Dan,” Phil says, looking appalled. “It’s August.”

“I don’t live here,” says Dan. “And I’m busy. My family gets it.”

Phil hums, a little disapproving still. Dan has to bite his tongue so he doesn’t say anything scathing, reminding himself that some people actually like their parents.

It’s not that Dan doesn’t love them, because he does, it’s just. Complicated.

“Do you get to see your family often?” Dan asks, desperate to get the attention off of how shit a son he is.

“Not as often as I’d like,” says Phil. He sounds so genuinely sad about it, like he really would like nothing more than to go visit his parents every weekend. “My brother lives in town, so I see him a lot.”

“I didn’t know you had a brother.”

“Yeah, he’s -” Phil cuts himself off, then, and gives Dan an apologetic sort of look through his screen. “You don’t want to hear about my family.”

“I do,” Dan says, and he’s surprised by how much he means it. He shifts in the armchair. It isn’t that comfortable. “Dude, I already know every song on your iTunes, what’s so weird about telling me stuff about your family? They clearly mean a lot to you.”

He has no idea how to interpret the expression on Phil’s face, but whatever it is shifts into a smile as he turns back to his computer. “Okay, his name’s Martyn, he’s older than me, we work together -”

This time, Dan cuts him off. “You do? I haven’t seen him on your channel.”

“He’s not really interested in being on camera. We actually run IRL Merch together, although honestly it’s mostly Martyn.”

Phil explains the business to Dan, who feels himself getting more and more awed by the amount of stuff Phil does on any given day. It isn’t just sitting in front of his camera and then in front of his computer for a handful of hours.

Granted, Dan never thought that being a YouTuber was easy, or everyone would do it, but Phil seems to add things onto his plate that he doesn’t really need to do.

Dan listens for a little while, changing positions in the armchair a few times before he gives up and flops back onto the bed.

“Phil,” he says, holding his phone high above his head and making a face at the angle. It’s fine, really, Phil has barely been glancing at him this whole time. Now that Dan has some kind of idea about the number of people Phil works with, he gets the hours of emails thing. “Do you ever take a break? Hang out with your friends?”

“What friends?” Phil jokes, but Dan senses there’s some truth behind it.

“Okay, first of all,” says Dan, “big mood.”

Phil’s laugh seems like it’s surprised out of him, and his eyes flick to his phone again. They linger on Dan for a long moment before turning away again. Although, to be fair, that may be lag from shitty hotel wifi. “Is it?”

“Yeah, man, like I’ve got any fucking friends. Second of all, you need to take some breaks or you’re going to burn the fuck out.”

“Trust me, I know,” says Phil.

“I know Thor already reminds you to take breaks,” says Dan. “But he can’t force you to. I can.”

“You’re gonna force me to take breaks?” Phil hums, his eyebrows raising. “How exactly are you going to manage that when you’re back in Atlanta?”

“I can be very annoying with nothing but an internet connection,” Dan promises. “You wanna see?”

“No, no, I believe you, and I need to get this done, please don’t.”

They both laugh, quiet, and Dan curls up on his side to just watch Phil work for a little while. Phil runs his fingers through his hair every so often and mouths along to whatever he types. Dan has no idea how one person can simultaneously be the hottest and the most adorable thing ever.

“I have a brother too,” Dan offers.

“Do you?” Phil asks, more surprised than Dan expects him to be. “That’s not on your Wikipedia.”

“He doesn’t like the attention,” says Dan. It’s a half-truth. Most of what he says about his family are half-truths. “But you’re not, like, a stan account or the media or whatever.”

“Technically, I am both,” Phil jokes. “I’ll keep it to myself, though, don’t worry.”

Dan isn’t worried. He trusts Phil not to go blabbing about him on the radio, even with something as small as Adrian’s existence.

It feels a little strange to trust someone so immediately, and part of Dan wants to pull back, put some distance between them, because the combination of trust and a deepening crush can only spell disaster. He’s not going to do that. He’s only got Phil nearby for another two weeks.

After they’ve finished their media circus in London, then Edinburgh, then Dublin, Dan is off to France with Patrick and Jaime. They’re only hitting a handful of international media press, but that’s more than they were asked to do last year. It’s exciting to be expanding this way, to have something to point to and say, 'I did that before I was 30’.

And when they’re done with the press tour, Dan… goes home. Back to Atlanta, where his apartment is being sublet during his summer travelling.

They don’t even know yet if Heatwave will get a fourth season. It’s a bit of an industry joke that Netflix shows rarely make it past the third. Dan doesn’t even want to consider how Atlanta will feel without a steady filming job down the street.

Probably not much like home. Nowhere feels all that much like home, if Dan’s honest.

“Hey, you still with me?”

Dan blinks away the doom and gloom of his uncertain future and refocuses on the conversation he’s supposed to be a part of. Phil is looking at him now, the sort of undivided attention that makes Dan’s cheeks burn.

“Yeah, sorry,” says Dan. “I’m still here. Have you made a dent in those emails?”

Not the most graceful change of subject, but Phil allows it with a small snort. “No, for I am Sisyphus, doomed to answer a dozen emails only for another dozen to arrive.”

“Maybe if you didn’t have, like, three jobs, this wouldn’t be a problem,” Dan points out. “I get maybe two important emails a day. It’s great.”

“Maybe,” says Phil. He’s still just looking at Dan, his chin resting on an open palm.

“What?” Dan asks, feeling a smile tug at his lips.

Phil smiles back, brighter. “Nothing.”

There’s a warmth in his face, visible even through the mediocre FaceTime quality, that makes Dan’s stomach twist all up in knots. He doesn’t know how to handle that at all. “My mum’s calling I gotta go bye,” he says in one breath, hanging up before Phil can even react.

While he waits for his heart to stop pounding, Dan stares at the hotel ceiling and wonders what the fuck is wrong with him.

–

Dan’s mum does call, eventually. He’s been fucking around on Guild Wars and cursing the wifi for god only knows how long, refusing to check his phone so he doesn’t have to be faced with another message - or the lack of one - from Phil. Dan finishes the raid and then calls his mum back.

“Daniel, hi,” she says, sounding frazzled in the way she always seems to.

“Hey, mum.” It feels weird, now that he’s got her on the phone, but he pushes past that discomfort. “I was just calling to let you know that I’m in London.”

The sound of a door slamming comes through before his mum says, “Well, yes, dear. I know that.”

She doesn’t sound upset with him. More than anything, she sounds confused. Like she doesn’t know why he’s even telling her this. Like it hasn’t even occurred to her to nag her son for a visit. Dan has to swallow past a lump in his throat, not sure why he wishes she was angry.

“Oh,” he says. Allows a long moment of quiet to pass, just in case she wants to explain herself. She doesn’t. “Well. Okay. Do you - are you busy weekend after next? I could come see you before we leave for the continent.”

“That’s quite short notice, dear,” his mum says, and Dan experiences a dizzying rush of relief and distress before she continues. “But I’m sure I can make some time for dinner.”

Dan exhales. Dinner. He can do dinner.

“That sounds good,” he says. Another half-truth. “I’ll text you?”

“Yes, yes,” his mum says, already sounding distracted. “Text me and we’ll make a proper plan. Work hard til then, okay? I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

The call ends almost as abruptly as his call with Phil, but Dan is okay with that.

im going to see my fam before i leave england jsyk, Dan texts to Phil. Phil sends him celebratory emojis in response. And maybe dinner with his family will be horrible, maybe it will be great, most likely it will be slightly uncomfortable, but at least he isn’t disappointing Phil on top of everyone else he’s let down.

#phanfiction #phanfic #phan #dnp fic #can't breathe when you touch my sleeve #words words words

[feitania]

Jjk is in cinemas next week in Germany and I have no one to go with T.T

Do you maybe know some groups or communities where I can find someone?

I'm really sorry if that sounds random lmao 😭

Oh,

Hi :)

So first of all, good you told me. I forgot about the release date again.

First of all I guess you could ask your friends? Maybe they want to go even when they don't know jjk? The time until the movie could be used to get them hooked. Or just blackmail them.

From where are you from? Maybe you can find a few people on instagram, in groups or even apps like bumble (there is a finding friends section that my friend actually recommended) work out fine for that. If yoz have a few moots from germany maybe ask them if you're comfortable.

I hope I could help you a little. Feel free to tell me what you choose to do and if you saw the movie. Wish you the best digger <3

#🧳visitors #don't apologize for asking something #always happy to help #hope it works out

[undertheinfluencerd]

https://ift.tt/38DX3yU #

While a Psycho 4 TV movie was made eventually, it had little in common with the wild, unmade meta version that was supposed to follow the third movie. The original Psycho is essentially the originator of the modern-day slasher, and would later influence the likes of Halloween. Despite being an enormous success, it was produced during a time when sequels weren’t the norm. Psycho 2 eventually arrived in cinemas in 1982, over 20 years after the original and after the passing of original director Alfred Hitchcock.

Psycho 2 is shockingly good for such a belated follow-up, and its critical and commercial success convinced the studio to hand the reins to star Anthony Perkins for Psycho 3. This 1986 sequel is a true oddity, playing like a blackly comic art film, with slight touches of Giallo slashers. The movie failed to receive either the good reviews that greeted the previous sequel or reach the same box office. Perkins’ would return to the Norman Bates role one last time for 1990’s Psycho IV: The Beginning, a TV movie sequel that featured Norman recounting his origin story, with Henry Thomas (The Haunting Of Hill House) playing young Norman in flashbacks.

Related: Christopher Walken Was The Second Choice For Psycho 2’s Norman Bates

Psycho IV is well-regarded, but it wasn’t the first version that was mooted. During his commentary track on Psycho 3, screenwriter Charles Edward Pogue (The Fly) revealed that he and Perkins were approached by the studio about developing a fourth movie before part 3 had been released. The two developed an outline that would feature some meta, Scream-like qualities, and it opened with Norman back in the asylum following the events of Psycho 3.

This unmade Psycho 4 saw Norman involved in some therapy where a follow, mute female patient would roleplay as his mother. This treatment would involve Norman being put into showers and other sexual situations with “Mother.” When the asylum burns down, Norman and the girl escape and head back to the motel, which has been taken over by an entrepreneur who turned it into a murder mystery attraction based on Norman Bates’ crimes. As Norman arrives, the actor who was supposed to play him quits, so Bates himself is hired for the part.

Having Norman Bates play himself is already a neat meta touch, but this Psycho 4 would also have been a mystery, as it wasn’t clear who the killer was as guests were being bumped off. It sounds like a premise with some potential, but the modest box-office returns of 3 killed that version of Psycho 4 being produced. If it had, it might have predated the meta-textual likes of New Nightmare and Scream by many years, in addition to diving even deeper into the black comedy tone established by Psycho 3.

Next: Psycho: The True Story That Inspired Norman Bates

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#Undertheinfluencerd

[aseriesofthrills]

Suzie Is Back

Suzie is back, and so are long, overly emotional, rambling posts.

I matched with Suzie mid-October 2020. Caileigh and I had broken up earlier that summer after 3.5 years together, and my plan was to take some time off dating to “figure myself out.” Caileigh was the first person I ever dated, so I thought being single and out at the same time - for the first time - was a necessary step in figuring out my identity as an individual. Well, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but there’s this big thing called a Global Pandemic going on that’s forcing us all to choose between our physical health and a social life. Put simply, I was lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks on a deserted island before he found Wilson. Or maybe even lonelier than America’s Dad Tom Hanks after he struck up a friendship with Wilson, because after all, Wilson was a volleyball. I wanted to find my Wilson.

And boy did I find a lot of Wilsons. Unfortunately for me, I found a lot of off-brand Wilsons that were the wrong color, didn’t hold air well, or came out of the box with fabric missing. This is not to say these Wilsons are undesirable. I’m sure any of them would provide solid companionship to the next unfortunate soul whose fallen plane renders them a castaway. They were just not for me.

There was Emily, someone who I had strong feelings for and made me realize I’d really like to date someone who’s also Jewish. I was wowed by her philanthropic agenda of making candles and donating half the proceeds, until she did a very gay thing™ and got back with her ex, which was when I began to wish I instead had simply donated that $100 directly to charity and didn’t have to stare at her Tender Flame (more like Tinder Flame, amirite) candles sprinkled around my house. Looking back, we really were not compatible. Emily taught me that just because you have good banter with someone and a shared belief system, it doesn’t mean you wont clink teeth when you make out for the first time. It might even mean she will be extremely silent while you go down on her for what feels like hours, then not reciprocate because she is… probably thinking about getting back with her ex.

Then there was MK, someone who I’d actually met once before at a Hollywood Ladies Drinks Night Before The World Shut Down We Used To Have It So Good Oh My God. I remember wondering that night if she might be queer, but my gaydar couldn’t figure her out and I was in a relationship so it was a moot point anyway. I was hesitant to send her a “like” on Hinge because what if she didn’t feel the same way and then I ran into her at a work thing in 2023 and she KNOWS I liked HER but we BOTH know SHE didn’t like me BACK and -

It took me 3 seconds to get over that existential crisis because I remembered that thousands of people were dying every day and nothing actually mattered. So I liked one of her photos, and she matched with me in literally 4 minutes. I normally like to talk to someone for at least a few weeks - pandemic or not - before meeting in person, but she almost immediately suggested getting together the following weekend. Maybe that’s just her, or maybe she felt confident that I’m most likely not a serial killer since we have mutual friends, but she went for it and I agreed because I hadn’t yet figured out how to assert my own boundaries. But also, why not. It was just a picnic.

It was not just a picnic. It was a picnic conveniently a few blocks from her apartment. It was a picnic and then it was dinner and sex. I enjoyed spending time together at first, but the more we talked and hung out the more my feelings dissipated. In the middle stretch I thought for a second that I had perhaps cracked the mythical Friends With Benefits code, but after a few more dates I realized the code was far more complicated than I’d originally anticipated and what I thought was the treasure map key was actually just meaningless hieroglyphics and OK I will stop this metaphor now. It was time to take the high road and be honest, which for me manifested in telling her I was going to quarantine the next 2 weeks before flying home so this would be the last time I saw her before 2021 and we should check in when we’re back in LA in January - and then I texted her once I got to Florida to say lets just be friends. Not my proudest moment, but we’re learning.

There were a few other short-lived dalliances, but we all have places to go and people to see (from a distance). Just know I somehow managed to make the Pandemic Year my own personal Slut Year. And we’re using the term slut lovingly, simply to describe that 2020 was the year I managed to sleep with more people than any year prior. Tell me I can’t do something, then watch me work.

If you pay attention to detail, as I’m sure my 2 consistent followers do, you’ll remember Suzie and I matched mid-October which was in the midst of my MK chronicles. I am not exaggerating when I say that I was lovestruck by Suzie just from her Hinge profile and pictures. I don’t mean like, “Oh, she’s pretty, I hope she likes me back.” I mean like, something happened to my brain immediately that can only be described as some version of virtual pheromones invading my bloodstream. It felt uncontrollable and biological. And if we learned anything from Dr. Fauci this year, it’s that science knows best. The first real conversation we had - meaning that sweet sweet moment someone on a dating app finally admits that they, too, were looking at the app at the very same moment you messaged them - felt engaging and electric and right. At the end of the conversation I gave her my number and she immediately texted me “Talk to you tomorrow *kissy emoji*,” which probably made me precum. 

What ensued was months of talking every day. I’ll drone on for paragraphs if I let myself, so I’m not going to let myself. I’ll just say for a while it felt amazing. I liked her so deeply. It took us a good stretch of time before we broached the subject of seeing each other in person, but then a combination of her horrific time management skills (her words), a potential Covid exposure, and a highly contentious presidential election got in the way and lead us down a windy path ultimately culminating in a Zoom first date… a week and a half before I was supposed to fly home for 2 months. The Zoom date was everything I hoped it would be and more. I’d never felt more sad to click “End Meeting For All” but was too giddy to notice. She asked me about my holiday plans, so I told her about my impending travel, and then she more or less said we should have sex before I go. So we did. And it was the best sex of my life. And then I left the state of California, our mutual residence, for 2 months.  

Things were somewhat fine at first - we were still talking every day, with a few more Zooms sprinkled in - but then she went home to New Jersey, and suddenly we weren’t talking every day. It was more like every 3-4 days and rarely in actual conversational form. It was more like me waiting for her to reply, then waiting to respond since she’d waited so long, then we’d do it all over again. I felt anxious and tortured and dejected and had no appetite and my mom asked me on more than one occasion if I was ok. I was not ok. But I told myself to bE cHiLL, something that is often diametrically opposed to my natural state of being. I reminded myself that, despite the fact that we had spoken every day for 2 months - which is practically one step away from engagement in LesbianLand - we had only had one in-person date. I was careful to not make It seem more serious than It was, so instead I workshopped a lot of dramatic WHAT ARE WE? texts that I sent to all of my friends and never to Suzie.

We had mutually agreed upon “See you in January,” so I told myself I’d just ask her to hang out when we got back. Then she postponed her flight to LA for 2 more weeks because our Covid numbers were at a scary peak, the worst it had been since the beginning of the Pandemi Lovato. Finally she told me she’d rebooked her flight for the 15th, and I optimistically thought to myself, “You simply don’t tell someone the exact day you’re getting back into town if you don’t plan on seeing them! Right?” Wrong. I shot my shot, and she shot me down. She replied with a long series of texts explaining that her mental health wasn’t in a good place, and she couldn’t be accountable for communicating effectively. She sprinkled in some compliments for good measure, making sure to take a pit stop in “I think you are so wonderful so please don’t think this has anything to do with you” Town, which was reassuring but did not override my brain’s instinct to rethink everything I’d done and said the past few months. But I felt connected to her on a human level, and I didn’t want to lose that simply because she didn’t want to bump butts anymore, so I suggested we be friends and she enthusiastically agreed. End of conversation.

Until later that night, when she texted me Greetings after landing at LAX. I was confused, but I assumed that just meant she was taking me at my word, and this friendship started n.o.w. What followed was some of the most perplexing behavior I’ve witnessed as a living person and hands down the most confounding I’ve ever experienced in my dating career. She’d text me about a new vibrator she bought, or send me a song link then simply “heart” my response and be done with the exchange. It felt like she was just reminding me she existed, as if my small brain could forget. Sometimes she’d ask me how I was doing and we’d have semblances of a real friendship, but other times she’d tell me that I’m SO HOT or send me DMs of a sexy Phoebe Bridgers photo or a Normal People instagram post of Connell telling Marianne she’s pretty. Somewhere in the middle of all that my patient friend Caroline finally hit me with some tough love and told me I needed to block Suzie’s number and hide her on social media. For all intents and purposes, Suzie couldn’t exist anymore. Caroline was right, but I couldn’t do it, so I compromised that for the next week I wouldn’t reach out to Suzie first. Caroline told me “Alcoholics have to quit cold turkey, they don’t get to say well I drink on the weekends” but I decided I was simply not able to do anything more drastic than not text this freshly 25 year old girl who was slowly unraveling my emotional stability first for a week.

You will not believe this but I survived the week and actually felt better, so I did it again the next week. And the next. And the next. Until it had been a month and I hadn’t reached out to Suzie first. She was still texting and DMing me, but I felt my feelings finally waning! Gone were the days of finding her high school ex-boyfriend’s blog in the depths of the internet or looking her up on Venmo to see who she’d gotten Chipotle with the night before. I absolutely still liked her - those fucking pheromones are relentless - but it felt less fresh, so I started to formulate a plan. Once I felt FULLY (lol) over her, I’d text her the next time I was horny. Best case scenario she’d come over, worst case scenario she’d be so disgusted or insulted that she’d never want to talk to me again and I’d actually get over her, not pretend-get-over-her-so-I-could-trick-myself-into-safely-bootycalling-her. But then she sent me potentially the most flirtatious message yet, and I took my opening at 12:53p on a Wednesday and simply said “when are you going to fuck me.” She fucked me that Saturday night.

So. Suzie is back, and Saturday night (and Sunday morning, *wink* she slept over) was great. But now it’s terrible, horrible, no good, very bad again, to borrow some words from Judith Viorst.

How we left things this time is that she does want to see me again, but it can’t be a talk-everyday-thing because she’s ~bUsY* and moving to NYC this summer anyway for grad school (did I forget to mention that? Oops!) and for whatever other reasons that exist that are preventing her from being obsessed with me. She asked what my boundaries and needs are too, and both her actions and words that night really felt clear that she still liked me. I asked if she thought she’d ever see me again. There are some things you really can only ask while cuddling post-sex, and that’s one of them. She paused and said yes. She explained the context around her poor communication and that she never wanted to stop talking to or seeing me, and the way she was holding me felt like she was feeling just as connected to me as I was to her. You can tell when someone just isn’t there with you, and this was not that. We were both right there.

But we were also right back to there being a power imbalance between us. There’s no escaping the fact that this is really on her terms in its present configuration. Our best plan was to promise to be honest moving forward, which felt like it had a lot of potential at the time, but it turns out being honest is hard. Things sort of reverted back to how they were, except with all of my feelings and expectations that I’d worked hard to push down rushing back to take their place on the frontlines of my brain.

It’s been almost 2 weeks, and we’ve talked a few times every 2-4 days. I’m fighting the urge to memorialize exactly what’s transpired, but there’s simply no use in holding onto the details. What finally made all of these not-at-all latent emotions bubble up to the surface and inspired this Intense Feelings Word Vomit is two pronged. First, because I love to torture myself, sometimes I look at Suzie’s Hinge profile to see if she’s changed anything. For some reason, if it stays the same, I feel safe that she’s not seeking out anyone else but me. Which is somewhat logical but also farcical in this particular situation, and I fully understand that. I guess I was really wanting to invite some pain into my life tonight, because even after she texted me yesterday and then proceeded to stretch a very short conversation into something that still is in limbo, I decided it would be fruitful to check her Hinge profile. I’m here to report that all 3 of her prompt questions & answers were different. And readers, I had previously checked it recently enough to know this was a very fresh edit.

The second thing that pushed my feelings over the top, out of my mouth, and directly onto my keyboard is that when she finally texted me back at like 11:30pm, she seemed to entirely brush over two clear attempts, in my opinion, at relaying that I’d like to see her again. And that feels not good. My instinct is to tell myself that maybe my comments weren’t as overt as I first believed them to be, but I think that’s a thinly veiled excuse and a defense mechanism. If someone wants to see you, they will.

I’m almost certain (I am certain) all of my friends - ALL of them! I have A LOT! - are up to their eyeballs in Suzie-flavored-shit, so before writing this I must admit I did the loneliest thing of all: instead of being honest and sharing my feelings directly with her, I texted them… to myself. Raw, unedited emotions that I hope to never re-read one day but probably will and when I do I sure hope I’m in a healthier place and can laugh about it and think about How Far I’ve Come.

The truth is, I’m sitting here all over again picturing the dates I could take her on (the Carlsbad Flower Fields), what restaurants she should experience before leaving LA (Pace), and what fun at-home activities I could plan for us before the world fully returns to a post-Covid society (the DIY pottery kit I bought for myself, fully aware she loves to make clay art). Dare I admit I even daydream about the cross-country road trip that I’ll offer to accompany her on when she moves back East. I look at the contents in my fridge and think, “Maybe I wont use that ingredient tonight in case I need it to make us dinner next time she comes over.” I was ready to plan trying to get vaccinated this weekend around her availability, which is actually insane. You look up simp in the dictionary, and there I am. I took the crumb she gave me and turned it into a huge fucking Mrs. Fields birthday cookie cake that serves 20. No wonder I feel sick.

Unless I’m entirely miscalculating, which I can safely say I am not, Suzie is not sitting in her home thinking the same about me. I think she does like me - I have to allow myself to believe she does, because she said she does, and if I don’t believe it now I never will - but I also have to admit that 6 months into this game of Suzie Mental Gymnastics, I can recognize that all signs are pointing directly to the fact that I like her far more than she likes me. I don’t say that as a form of self-flagellation; it’s just a fact that I need to finally accept. Not just accept, but also let go of the possibility that it’s going to change. That’s the hardest part. I naively thought we were getting back on the ride again, and I buckled up for what turned out to be just a detour.

It can feel nearly impossible to pull yourself away from someone, especially when it feels like their claws are deeply embedded in your brain and your heart. That sounds wildly dramatic, but it is genuinely how I feel. What’s doubly hard is being able to trust my own instincts. I can get attached very quickly, and then it’s almost indecipherable whether someone is actually mistreating me or if my unrealistic expectations don’t allow the other person a chance to actually meet them. This whole essay could potentially be described as an overreaction, but the more I think about it, the more confident I feel in the validity of my feelings. Even if part of the issue is setting my expectations too high, the bigger issue is how I’m being treated. Suzie and I did agree on a low-pressure situation, but it doesn’t take much more than the bare minimum effort to consider another person’s feelings. And I don’t think my feelings are being considered all too much.

Not that Suzie ever really left my life in a real way, but I’m starting to think she came “back” for me to get a second chance at prioritizing my boundaries, my feelings, myself. I don’t want to overreact and call a party foul too soon, but perhaps I need to readjust my idea of what constitutes too soon. After all, maybe it was a mistake to not have asked for clarity sooner the first time. It would have probably allowed me to enjoy my time at home with family more and saved my brain a heck of a lot of overtime I am still saving up to pay. A not-no doesn’t mean a yes, and waiting does not change the outcome. It’s a natural reaction to hold on tighter to someone while loosening your grip on your own needs when you feel them pulling away, but it’s often something you can’t stop from happening. And that’s a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes you have to assert your needs when they’re not being met and watch things fall apart, not because you have those needs but in spite of them. You start again. I will start again.

[the-legal-duchess]

Reflecting on 2017 and Setting Goals for 2018

2017 was a good year. My husband and I were just talking about how nothing terribly exciting happened- it was just an average, good year for us. I really can't complain about that; generally, our family was healthy and happy and we made a lot of great memories.

Early 2017 started off exciting when we rescued our sweet Annie. This dog reminds me of all that is good in the world. When we adopted her, she was 1.5 years old and had already had a litter of puppies, had been shot in the shoulder with a pelleted shotgun which it healed poorly without medical attention and the pellets are still in her leg encased in a large amount of scar tissue and leaves her with a small limp, and she was found running stray on the streets of Kentucky. After all of that, this dog is still the sweetest and happiest dog I have ever had the privilege of knowing and has a trademark smile for whenever she gets excited. She fits perfectly in with our other two dogs and has meshed into our life like she was always here. We simply cannot imagine our life without her now and we are so thankful we got to adopt this sweet little angel. #adoptdontshop

January also featured me getting reared ended in a hit and run which lead to two weeks of my husband and I share a car and a rather big bill to get my car fixed. Not very fun but I am just thankful I was not injured and the car was fixable thanks to good insurance.

Most of my spring was just busy busy busy with law school. Over spring break I had an emergency root canal which put a little damper on my vacation time. I did finish spring semester strong with a big improvement on my GPA and my first A in law school. Soon after, I found out I made the Moot Court Products Liability team which was a big dream of mine in law school.

I spent my summer interning at my local prosecutor's office and I loved absolutely every minute. I had the opportunity to work on murder cases, write official briefs and memos and attend and assist at several trials. I have officially decided that criminal prosecution is where my career plans lay and I can't wait to continue forward in my career path by interning with a local Judge this coming summer.

At the end of the summer, my hubby and I took a vacation to Maine. Maine is one of my absolute favorite places on earth- my dad grew up there and we have visited almost every year of my life. It is one of few places I can visit over and over again and love it just as much every time. We had a wonderful and relaxing week full of ocean views, mountain hikes and family time. If you are looking for a vacation spot, mid-coast Maine is one of the best.

School started back up in August and I embarked on my busiest semester to date. I started working in Law School admissions as a student ambassador and I absolutely love it. It is the best job as I love helping new law students (hence the whole point of this blog) and I have the best bosses! I enjoyed most of my classes this past semester: I took a Criminal Adjudications class with my favorite professor which I absolutely loved, I took an appellate procedure writing class to prepare for my moot court competition in the spring which was so informative and helpful and I surprised myself by getting through a very challenging commercial paper class despite my lack of natural ability in those type of classes. My grades are trickling in slowly and thus far I have been very pleased and my GPA is rising. In between the craziness of school and life, I did get a chance to go to two amazing concerts: I saw the legend himself, Sir Paul McCartney, and he was just as fantastic as I expected. I also saw my favorite artist of all time, Garth Brooks, and it was the absolute best night.

During the early Fall semester, I competed in my school interscholastic appellate advocacy competition. This was fashioned in the format of Moot Court and involved weekly head to head argument sessions that eliminated one person each time, bracket style. I made it all the way to the final four in my class which involved arguing in front of three federal judges and my entire school. It was a grueling experience on top of all my regular school work and my job but it was such a wonderful opportunity and I grew so much as an advocate through it.

We had a lovely, quiet holiday with family and enjoyed a white Christmas for the first time in years. The snow is still hanging around and I am hoping we can sneak in a ski trip sometime soon.

That brings me to now- winter break. I have been lounging around the house, reading novels, drinking too much hot tea and completing some various little projects and cleaning/organizing around our home. This time to relax, reflect and rejuvenate had given me some time to think toward the new year and all that I want to accomplish. 2018 will bring another semester of law school, my first moot court competition, a new internship, a Carribean cruise in May and I am sure many other adventures. I did sit down to make out a few goals.... we shall see how I do with those.

2018 Goals

1. Make My Health a Priority

I recently purchased a treadmill and I am absolutely determined to get in shape and run a 5K in 2018. I have a Fitbit, I have a jug of lemon water in the fridge and I am ready to get in shape. I am tired of spending my days hunched over a desk and feeling like a bump on a log. I am also starting the Tone It Up 5 day Detox tomorrow (you can still sign up and it' completely free!) and even once that ends, I am vowing to eat healthier and improve my overall wellness in 2018.

As a part of improving my physical wellness, I am working on my mental wellness as well. I have been on a mission to remove as much negativity from my life as possible- cut out toxic friendships and toxic influences. I am trying to make an effort to seek out the positive in every day... something I have always struggled with as I can be a somewhat glass half empty type of person. But I am vowing to try see the glass half full from now on. I am vowing to be a better friend, a better daughter, sister, wife, dog mom and overall better and less negative person.

Also, I am working to make social media a little less toxic. The beauty of social media is the connections and relationships it fosters. The ugly side of social media is that it encoruages comparing yourself to everyone else and only seeing the highlight reel of peoples lives. This can feed into my natural propensity for not seeing the positive so I am trying to delete any negative influences through social media and make a constant effort to see the best out of social media and not compare myself to the highlight reels of seemingly perfect Instagram feeds. I know guilty of this as much as anyone else- as a blogger, I tend to carefully select everything that goes on my blog or social media and it becomes a bit of a highlight reel... I try to strive for transparency and try to keep it real but I, like most, fall into the trap of only showing the best parts of life on social media. In the new year, I am going to try to keep in mind that behind every gorgeous, jealousy-inducing Instagram feed, is a normal person who has struggles and ugly moments just like me... letting that jealousy from comparing myself eat away at me is just silly so I am going to try my hardest to avoid that from now on.

Similarly, this is true in law school as well. It is a competitive environment. It is easy to compare your grades to others, be jealous of someone else internship or job... this is not helpful. In the new year, I am doing all of this for me. The only grades I am trying to be better than is my grades from last semester. The only internship I care about is my own. I am getting this law degree for ME and the accomplishments of everyone else is irrelevant to that goal.

2. Professional Networking

As an aspiring attorney, networking is so key in getting jobs in the future. In fact, both my internships thus far in law school have been the result of pure networking and had nothing to do with my grades or anything else. In the new year, I am setting a goal to increase my legal contacts through networking and start setting myself up for the post-graduation job f my dreams.

3. Be a Better Wife

In the hustle and bustle of life, I have realized I often forget to put my husband first. Remedying this is one of my goals for the new year. I am blessed to be married to a thoughtful, sweet, patient man who goes out of his way to make my life easier and works so hard to support me through law school. My goal is to remember to thank him more often, send a surprise note and cookies in his lunch more often and make at least one evening a week a date night where I turn off everything else spinning around my mind and focus on my husband and my marriage. After all, we are still technically newlyweds LOL.

4. Explore

It is easy to get caught up in the day to day routine and forget to explore. When I was in Europe for study abroad, I explored: I tried new things, stumbled upon crazy adventures and had the time of my life. I am not in a place in life where exploring can be European vacations but it doesn't mean that I have to stop exploring completely. In 2018, I am going to make exploring more of a priority. I am going to explore other places through books, I am going to explore my city on weekends, I am going to explore my limits by pushing myself out of my comfort zone and eat new foods, try new drinks... basically I am going to treat everyday life like it's a European vacation and find the beauty in every day, ordinary things and attack life with the mentality of exploration.

So that's my recap of 2017 and my goals for 2018... I am really looking forward to another great year. Hopefully, I can stick with my goals! I hope everyone has a safe and fun New Year's Eve and a wonderful 2018.

#2018goals

[phatjosh180]

RACE RECAP: Deseret News 10K

Oh, Pioneer Day! I used to kind of hate the holiday. Well, okay, hate is the wrong way of saying it — I love the reason why we celebrate the day — I just never thought we really needed TWO Fourth of Julys in the same month. This is completely derailing my race recap, but I don’t care — this is my blog. I just wish we came up with something a bit more original in celebrating Pioneer Day instead of copy and pasting the Fourth. Keep the fireworks, ditch the parade (all parades really) and give us better food than hot dogs and homemade potato salad.

Anyways, I seriously digress. Hopefully you’re still with me here?

Yet, with all those strong feelings about Pioneer Day that I have and do hold — it’s grown on me — especially since becoming a runner. It’s become somewhat of a tradition to run on Pioneer Day — whether it’s been the Deseret News or Handcart Days races. Sure, sure, sure you can use the (valid) argument that people run 5Ks all the time on the Fourth of July, but that’s not my jam — since that’d mean I’d be missing my neighborhood chuck wagon breakfast. Sense my illogical hypocrisy?

I ran my first marathon on Pioneer Day back in 2012 — and I’ve loved keeping the tradition of running on holiday intact. I’ve only missed running the holiday in 2014 and that was because I went camping. I thought about doing a run on Pioneer Day to keep the streak alive, but I wasn’t quite yet confident in my trail running at the time. No, not so much the running part, but where we were camping had a lot of deer and moose.

Most years I’ve always done a half marathon when I’ve run on Pioneer Day, mainly to work toward my 180 race goal. So this year — a year after reaching my 180 race goal — I decided to shake things up a bit and register for the 10K instead. And, I am sure glad I did. The shorter distances have been a godsend for me.

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Long story short — my ancestors walked 2,092km across the Great Plains 172 years ago so I could run the streets of Salt Lake City today for a race medal and a bruised half banana.

A post shared by Josher (@josherwalla) on Jul 24, 2019 at 8:17am PDT

After battling injuries and back issues for the first part of the year — I got myself into a good rhythm that I was hoping to build into solid marathon training. But, then in June that got derailed as I came down with bronchitis and walking pneumonia. I didn’t run for almost four weeks. I couldn’t breathe, let alone run. It was bad.

I know that I repeating myself from past posts, but the time off killed me. I decided to kill the marathon training and just go out and run. Forget about goal races, etc. I just needed to go out and run, have some fun and just don’t die. Pretty solid goals when you get down to it.

So coming back into consistent running just a couple weeks ago it’s been a tad bit of a struggle. Getting my legs back to strength has been the toughest part. It doesn’t help that it’s also the hottest time of the year either. Heat zaps everything from my legs. So it’s been a struggle both physically and mentally — to say the least.

A couple weeks ago — my first race back — the Farmington Days 10K I finished in 1:41 minutes. I was dead last. And, if it wasn’t for a chuck wagon breakfast of bacon and sausage I would have died there. It was hard on me — between the comeback legs and heat.

So going into this race — I wasn’t exactly sure what to shoot for on the clock. I knew I didn’t want to hit 1:41 again. I was fairly confident I wouldn’t considering I had a couple weeks of training on the legs — PLUS — the course had a wonderful 60 feet of downhill. So with all of that in mind I just decided to give it my best and push myself just a TAD beyond comfort.

But, really, I had no game plan. I just wanted to get out there and run.

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I need to find myself a woman that’ll greet me like Bumble did at the finish line this morning.

A post shared by Josher (@josherwalla) on Jul 24, 2019 at 1:41pm PDT

Since I talked Amanda into running the 10K as well. We started out together. She doesn’t run/walk as well and I decided to keep up as long as I could. I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up for the whole race, but I wanted to keep up for at least a couple of miles. Which I did.

Amanda, Brandy and I kept up with each for about the first 2-3 miles … ish. I say -ish, because I lost Amanda around 7 Eleven on 1300 East when I had this moment of temptation. It was hot and I could have sure used either a Slurpee or Diet Coke at that moment. But, I forgot my money — so it was a moot point — and I kept running.

My legs were feeling pretty heavy by mile three and our first aid station. I knew I would hit this wall, so I slowed down my pace just a tad and focused on tweaking my run/walk sets a bit. It helped, especially as we ran along South Temple and I could feel the slightest of uphill.

Once I got on 200 East and the parade route I got a second wind from the crowd. It was a bit thinner of a crowd compared to when I run the longer distances — just because not everyone is there — but, it was fun to hear my name shouted out a few times along the way. After getting a slap on the butt from Rachel — who was doing the half marathon — I made the turn onto 800 South toward Liberty Park and the finish line. I glanced at my watch and noticed I was pretty closed to a sub-1:20 — nearly a 20 minute drop from my Farmington Days 10K. This gave me a third wind.

As I glanced ran into the finishers chute I glanced at the clock and noticed I was just over 1:20. That didn’t disappoint me at all — that was still nearly a 20 minute improvement! And, as I made my way across the finishing line I saw the Salt Lake Bee’s mascot Bumble and just made a beeline (ha!) toward him for a hug! A Deseret News photographer was there and actually snapped a picture of the moment (it’s the picture above).

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I can do this because I’m Greek.

A post shared by Josher (@josherwalla) on Jul 24, 2019 at 7:42pm PDT

I was very happy with my finishing time. Yet, I still was fighting off disappointment. Which is a weird feeling. I did well, I improved, but it almost didn’t feel like it counted because I should have been in a better situation where I could have gone faster. Luckily I didn’t have much time to entertain that thinking as Shonda, Anita, Lizz, Andrew, Amanda, Brandy, etc., etc., etc., etc. diverted my attention.

One of my favorite things to do after the Deseret News races is to just sit down and park myself under the shade in the park watching all the runners come in. This year I even made a new friend Spencer, who’s a part of the AIIA team. After about an hour I finally started the long way back to my car via the shuttles.

All in all — I feel good about the race, considering the circumstances. Was it my fastest? Heavens no. But, it was a great effort and I felt some gained ground I hope to build on. Which I am sure I will.

My next race is the Revel Launch Team 10K this upcoming Saturday down Emigration Canyon. That should be a fun fast one. I’m not exactly sure what to expect from that one, but I would love to beat my sub 1:20. I have a couple training runs planned this week so it should be out of the realm of possibility.

But, I’m not going to worry about all of that — I’ll just put the work in and let the run come to me. That’s really the only thing I can do, no?

My Next Five Races

Revel Launch Team 10K; August 3

Elephant Rock Trail Run; August 10

Mt. Nebo Half; August 24

Revel Big Cottonwood Half Marathon; September 14

The Haunted Half: SLC; October 19

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A post shared by Trails & Pavement (@trailsandpavement) on Aug 7, 2018 at 10:12pm PDT

RACE RECAP: Deseret News 10K was originally published on Life In The Slow Lane.

#running #salt lake city