David Zaslav is on the phone as he enters his office.
David: It's nothing personal, it's just business. But don't worry, once another buyer offers eighty million, you'll have your property back. Okay? Okay. Goodbye, Mom. Love you.
He hangs up and notices a package left on his desk.
David: Huh. That's peculiar.
He walks over and sees that it's addressed to him. With a shrug, he opens it up.
*WHACK*!
And gets hits in the face with a springy boxing glove.
***
A burlap sack is ripped off David's head. He looks around and sees he's in a form of a warehouse, with the only light being the shining above him. In the shadows, he hears a crunch of somekind.
???: Eh, *tsk-tsk* What's up, Doc?
Out from the shadows comes Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Yosemite Sam, and even Foghorn Leghorn. They do NOT look happy.
David: Who...Who ARE you? WHAT are you?
Sam: OOOOOOOOOOOH!
He pulls out his guns.
Sam: Now I KNOW y'all didn't just say that you--
Bugs waves a hand in front of Sam.
Bugs: It's okay, Sammy Boy. Can't blame da poor, dumb, foolish suckah. (To David) Do ya know who Mickey Mouse is, Doc?
David: Is...that who you are?
Daffy: Doeth he look like a MOUTHE, you buffoon?!
Bugs: Daf. (To David) Mickey's the mascot of Disney, YOUR competitor. Fer bettah or woise, he represents da company. And to dis day is the backbone dat made Disney what it is. As for me and my compatriots, dat's who WE are for Warner Brudders.
David: I-I'm the CEO of Warner Brothers DISCOVERY.
Foghorn: Which is, I say, which is the result of merging with WARNER BROTHERS, ya dumb pig! No offense, Pork.
Porky: N-N-No-No-No offense taken.
Bugs: (To David) Ya see, Doc, we're da Looney Tunes. Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Foghorn Leghorn, and Yosemite Sam. Ya see, while Walter was makin' the mouse dat would rule the world wid a goofy cartoon mouse that entertained the kiddies, we's was making some CLASS. Cartoons dat dee adults AND kids could appreciate, wid witty dialogue and cartoonish slapstick. Me and Daf, here? We made bank off a short where we discussed who got shot by Elmer Fudd, where da joke was ALWAYS Daffy getting hit.
Daffy: Took a lot of shotth to make that comedy gold. LIterally.
Bugs: And it worked. Wid a poifect simple premise dat people always remember, wid people going "Wabbit Season, Duck Season" to dis day. Dat's who we are, Doc...And ya messed it all up.
Sam: Ya messed with the WRONG pardners, Davie!
David: H-How? How did I mess with you?!
Bugs: Hey, don't feel too bad. Warner Brudders' have been messing wid us for years, but we always took it on the chin. Dey want us to do TWO basketball movies? Dey want us to get rid of Pepe Le Pew? Why not. He stunk anyway and we wanted him out for years. Dey want our iconic image for an animated sitcom? We did it. 'Cause we're da Looney Tunes. We can sell ANYTHING.
Porky: I-I-I actually l-l-li-lo-li-lo--Really enjoyed the sitcom.
Bugs: Okay, it can be argued dat da sitcom is criminally underrated, but dat's besides the point. What I'm getting at is dat we're willing ta sell anything just as long as we get some of dat green ourselves. But ya made a mistake, Doc. Ya see, you went after one of our own.
He makes a "come here" gesture, and both Wile E. Coyote and the Road Runner come out from the shadows as well, with Road Runner comforting the Coyote.
Bugs: Pepe Le Pew is one thing. We understand that his sense of humor doesn't fit well wid dis day and age. But Wile? Oh brudder, why did ya have to mess wid him?
David: What did I do to him?!
Bugs: Coyote Vs. ACME. Ringin' any bells?
David: That...movie no one wants to buy?
Bugs: A movie ya overselled for a quick buck. A movie dat people worked night and day on. A movie written by James Gunn, yer golden boy who you have fixin' yer DC franchise.
Foghorn: Which is, I say, which is a whole DIFFERENT can a worms.
Bugs, ignoring him: A movie dat stars our very own Wile E. Coyote. A character who's toons and silly antics are timeless and, I'll admit, makes bank better than me. Wit no dialogue, just expressions and goofy signs, him and da Road Runner are characters where the possibility is limited by da power of imagination. And a movie where he sues ACME over their failed gadgets? Well, I'd watch that. Wouldn't you, boys?
The others all murmur in agreement.
David: Well, it might not make a profit--
Bug: Space Jam 2 made TWICE of what yer trying ta sell Wile's movie for. Ya would think that a man desperate to make money would release a film featuring their most iconic brand to get him MORE money. But, no, that's what a GOOD business man would do.
David: Please! I-It wasn't anything personal! I didn't even WATCH the movie!
The Tunes all stare at him.
Bugs: ...Ya didn't WATCH it?
David: N-No?
Bugs: You were willing to sell, shelve, and even DELETE a movie from existence because ya don't think it won't make a profit. Except ya nevah THOUGHT ta watch it yerself and make yer judgment?
David: ...Running a business is REALLY hard--
Bugs: You MAROON. You marooniest maroon that's ever marooned. I can't even comprehend how not only did you get yer job but how ya STILL have a job despite all da STOOPID decisions you've made in--How long has he been in charge?
Porky: A-A-A--Nearly t-two years, boss.
Bugs: TWO YEARS. Ya've been in charge for TWO YEARS and managed to cost da studio so much money that ya could compare it to da GREAT DEPRESSION! If Disney loses dat money, dey can make it back wid anothah Marvel movie or a live action remake of Moana! WE ain't Disney, Doc! We need every dime we get and we're losin' it because a YOU!
David: ...
Bugs: Honestly, we was initially thinkin' a beatin' the snot out a yous and leaking da movie to da public. But now? Woof. NOW I know yer as dumb as an animal. And an animal needs to be treated as an animal.
He pulls out a dog whistle and gives it a blow. Within seconds, a small, brown tornado bursts through a wall in the warehouse and zooms over to the group, stopping its spin to reveal The Tasmanian Devil.
Bugs: Have ya heard of the Tasmanian Devil, David? Who am I kidding, of COURSE ya haven't. Well, let's just say that he'd be happy to meet you.
Taz looks at David, licks his lips, and starts jumping for joy as he heads over to him.
David: No. No! NOOOOOOOOOOOO--
***
David stands before a press conference, clothes torn up and his body bandaged.
David: I am now announcing that I'm stepping down as CEO of Warner Brothers Discovery...And as my last act, I will release Coyote Vs. ACME to the public.
Reporter: And are you going to release Batgirl too?
David: Well, no, that movie's unreleasable--
A batarang lands in front of him.
David: ...Batgirl and Coyote Vs. ACME. Both coming soon...to a theater or streaming service near you.
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Round 2B
Note: this is our threeway matchup to even the numbers going forward! The two highest-voted films will both proceed, and the third will be eliminated.
Space Jam: Come on and slam, and welcome to the jam! What happens when one of the biggest athletes in the world tries his hand at acting-- alongside the Looney Tunes, no less? A confusing but lovable cinematic treasure. In the half-animated comedy Space Jam, basketball legend (oft-cited as the Greatest of All Time) Michael Jordan and the Tune Squad face off against the dastardly Monstars for their intergalactic freedom. Space Jam was the first film produced by Warner Bros Feature Animation, and although it was first released theatrically in the US in November of 1996 it would go on to gross over $250 million during its global run into 1997, making it the highest-grossing basketball movie of all time until 2022. From the slapping soundtrack to the classic jersey designs now coming back into retro-rotation, Bugs and his crew could not feel more firmly planted in the sensibility of the decade. Space Jam also features Wayne Knight of Seinfeld fame flattened in a truly haunting use of crude CGI. Look up 'flat Newman' if you've forgotten.
Austin Powers: Let’s keep this bracket groovy, baby! Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery is a spy spoof film released in 1997, written by and starring Mike Myers and featuring Elizabeth Hurley, as well as known names in the spy movie business Michael York and Robert Wagner. It was the first introduction of the titular icon-to-be Austin Powers, a free-loving secret agent who was cryogenically frozen in the 1960s, returned to us in all his velvet-suited snaggle-toothed glory in the ‘90s to face his nemesis once more. Parodying James Bond and copycat spy films as well as '60s pop culture, the movie would spawn two sequels and novelizations all sharing a similar sense for fashion, gags, and Austin’s recognizable catchphrases. As completely goofy as the film and its legacy is, critics were mostly favorable, with the New York Times writing "The film's greatest asset is its gentle tone: rejecting the smug cynicism of Naked Gun-style parodies, it never loses the earnest naiveté of the psychedelic era." (This is presumably an embarrassing typo: it’s shagadelic, Yorkie baby!)
Men In Black: Fifteen hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow. Men in Black is a sci-fi comedy, starring Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones, which would go on to spawn a franchise after the success of the 1997 film. It centers around a secret government agency known as the Men in Black, tasked with monitoring and regulating extraterrestrial activity on Earth; these agents, notably our protagonists Agent J and Agent K, protect humanity from aliens living among us and ensure the world remains oblivious to their existence. The franchise was praised by critics and audiences alike for its unique screenplay, action sequences, and the humor and chemistry of the lead actors. Over the years, Men in Black has expanded to include multiple sequels, an animated series and spin-offs, all contributing to its enduring popularity as a cheekier take on the sci-fi genre.
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