#the love and support of the disco cast is everything

[itsbenedict]

Games I Played In 2023 And Whether Or Not I Thought They Were Good (Part 1/4)

Once again, a year has passed, and I spent a considerable chunk of it on video games! Here's what I thought about [e: some of] the ones that I played.

1 - [2] - [3] - [4]

Potionomics

This game is- well, I've never played a Recettear game, but apparently it's a Recettear knockoff? You run a potion shop, and you hire adventurers to go into dungeons to get ingredients for your potion shop, and the whole thing's on a timer where you have to pay off a big debt by the end... apparently there's a formula it's aping that I'm unfamiliar with.

But it's very fun- it's got two main unique mechanics, one of which is a potion-brewing minigame about balancing ingredients in certain ratios which is challenging- and the other of which is an STS-style deckbuilder card game where you haggle with customers in lieu of combat. Both systems have a lot of depth and interesting options and I enjoyed them a lot.

Other standouts: the cast of support characters you can rank up social links with are great (love love love the coffee-addled workaholic moth girl and the comic relief cat pirates with a surprisingly dark backstory), and the fully-animated 3D character portraits are really fun and expressive.

Nitpicks: the time system having one time block reserved for the hour it takes to go home after visiting town is... an awkward choice (holdover from the Recettear structure they're aping?), and lategame you kind of cap out in potion-making capacity and it becomes kind of tricky to progress. Also the story's kinda predictable and the villains who don't later become party members are paper-thin.

Horizon: Forbidden West

God this game pisses me off.

Horizon: Zero Dawn, its predecessor, was a fun open-world game about hunting robot dinosaurs and uncovering the surprisingly elaborate story behind why there are robot dinosaurs. I enjoyed it a lot!

Forbidden West has everything Zero Dawn had... and also mountains of tedious cruft to pad out the game's runtime which all infuriates me to no end.

The story is still quite good! And the robot dinosaur fighting is still quite good! Those are the important parts, and they nailed them... but I have complained at my friends for hours about the bafflingly bad design choices that plague every other aspect of this game constantly. It's... there's so much, I want to like, make a video going into the details, but in short...

The cool and versatile weapons from the last game have been split up into piles of slightly-different weapons with different elements so you have to carry around and upgrade ten times as much crap and are forced to spec into a build that locks you out of effective experimentation

Every little noncombat action in the game has some very realistic and pretty AAA graphics animation that takes too long and wastes your time constantly during basic gameplay and kills flow dead

The very cool procedural climbing mesh thing... gets arbitrarily turned off in inexplicably oiled-up puzzle ruins that very badly want you to push a crate around in every way it's possible to push a crate around in order to waste the maximum amount of your time

Cooking "system" which is the most comprehensively useless thing anyone probably spent dozens of hours implementing in their video game

Item wheel that contains every consumable item in the game regardless of whether you currently have any and is basically unnavigable during tense situations like, say, combat, when you need it

So many repetitive sidequests about some poor fucker who went missing and might be in danger and is every single time dead to a bunch of robot dinosaurs obviously. Lot of missions designed to kill time rather than show you something cool or have interesting story.

There's a lot to like and it's super cool but god there's so much to be mad at. Respects the player's time 0%. I'm gonna go off about this more later for sure.

Disco Elysium

Oh my god, this game. It's... really something. You might be familiar with it from memes on Tumblr, about its comically inept slash deranged protagonist and his partner with the patience of a saint- but it's doing so much more than I expected from the out-of-context screencaps.

Like- yes, it's fucking hilarious. I love that about it. But it's also this incredibly detailed work of worldbuilding that creates this whole setting that's doing... some wild stuff. Like, you've maybe heard it's very political? Well, it is, but about weird alternate universe sci-fi politics that sort of halfway resemble our own, and it's thought through all of these invented social dynamics. And it's got a great sense of atmosphere- it knows when to be funny and when to be solemn and how to blend the two for maximum effect. It's a dark comedy, but it's all built on a dead-serious reality and a really effective story.

And- it is a murder mystery game about solving cases! It works very well on that level! It manages to be open-ended and let you solve things in a variety of different ways using this complex RPG stat system of creatively-designed psychological stats, while making sure the central whodunit (and a bevy of fascinating satellite mysteries) stays on track. Extremely good on a game design level.

(also some shit happens in this game that i was not at all expecting and can't even go into without spoilers, but- but holy fuck, the way this game opens up and the things it manages to hide in plain sight... just mind-boggling. incredibly impressive.)

Tunic

Speaking of hiding things in plain sight- neither this nor Disco Elysium came out this year, so I can't call either of them GotY, but... if they had, I'd have a hard time deciding.

Tunic is incredibly clever. On the surface, it's an isometric soulslike thing with a low-poly Zelda-y aesthetic... but there's not just the surface. There's layers and layers to this thing. The first layer it hits you with is that most of the game's UI is in a made-up rune script, which you have to learn, which is a fun challenge and caused me to spend a few hours making a tool to catalogue and decrypt the damn thing- though I eventually learned to sight-read it. But that's just- that's like, the tip of the iceberg, the most obvious twist to what this game is.

There's, like... I don't want to spoil what there's like. The whole thing is about peeling back the layers and figuring out which seemingly arbitrary aesthetic choices were secretly meaningful, and seeing how the game transforms as you figure out the different sorts of secret structure layered on top of each other. It's actually best compared to The Witness, although there's still a pretty meaty and challenging action-adventure game to tackle while you're uncovering the hidden patterns and deepest lore. It's a fascinating intellectual challenge and highly recommended to anyone who likes giving their noggin something to chew on.

The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Man, so... this game is very impressive, but it's in a weird place due to some awkward design decisions and cut corners.

This is a direct sequel to smash megahit Breath of the Wild... sort of. It's very weird what it's doing. It really wants to be a self-contained thing, to the point of throwing out major setting elements and story concepts from BotW entirely so it can do its own thing... but on a mechanical level, this is the same game, with some very cool new mechanics and a cool-ish new story bolted on.

(Said story... it has one extremely cool plot twist that's also a gameplay twist, delivered effectively in a nonlinear way that creates this great sense of dawning comprehension. Otherwise... kind of a nothingburger. Ganondorf is boring and has no coherent motivation, there's no explanation or real plot relevance to the [spoilers] that seem like such a central thing, and... the whole thing revolves around a technologically advanced precursor civilization that's completely different from the technologically advanced precursor civilization established by the last game, of which all evidence has been meticulously scrubbed from the world to... I guess avoid confusion? The one huge central plot beat really works, and the rest is... low-effort nonsense.)

So, mechanically... the developers made this very odd choice to... have the game take place in the exact same map from the first game, except warped and remixed by geologic upheaval just enough to force the environment designers to redo every bit of landscape more or less from scratch. Like, all the same recognizable locations, but a step to the left. In theory, not a bad idea- but then they layer on top of that a threefold expansion to the world.

TotK has three world maps- Hyrule, the sky (full of floating islands now), and a third spoilery area that's the same size as both of those. The game's economy is thus weirdly trifurcated- crucial resources are located in all three areas, so you need to go up and down and up and down a lot. And so is the game's content- there's a roughly comparable amount of stuff in BotW and TotK, but TotK splits it across three maps, making each area feel largely empty, with a lot of wasted space.

This effect is especially noticeable in Hyrule, which... if you've played BotW, you won't really find anything new there. It's all the same places with a few tweaks, so there's not much sense of discovery if you played the original. There's a bunch of landmarks and areas that exist purely because they were there before and it'd be weird for them to disappear... except now instead of some secret or loot there, there's just nothing. Wasted space. And both the sky and the other new map are pretty homogeneous and unrewarding to explore once you've seen the four or five types of things they have to offer- they're mainly made up of recycled assets.

TotK is... I think strictly better than BotW, with more content and more fun core mechanics, but it's a worse experience than BotW if you played the first one. If you haven't played BotW, Hyrule will still be fun to explore, and you probably want to jump straight to TotK.

-

I'm... gonna have to break this post up to get to the 21 other games I played this year, otherwise it's gonna be stupid long and take forever. Stay tuned!

1 - [2] - [3] - [4]

#game rec #tunic #disco elysium #potionomics #totk #horizon forbidden west

[fbfh]

rocks at your window pt. 12 - ricky bowen x reader

disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year. additionally, ricky begins to desplay more symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy and has a good support system. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh

!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!

wc: 5k

genre: mild hurt/lotta comfort, smut, feels

pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader

warnings: post show depression, more backstory for reader, brief mentions of gifted kid burnout and rediscovering your love for theatre, more fake texts, ricky is down ba-a-a-a-ad, classic Hot Boy Climbing Through Your Window moment, heart to heart convos, smut, body worship, clit sucking n fingering, penetrative sex, emotional 'i love you' sex, ricky begging <3, possible cliff hanger?? (BUT NOT BAD I PROMISE)

summary: it's late at night and you're reflecting on your experience performing high school musical the musical with all your fellow wildcats when someone shows up, throwing rocks at your window, and thinking the exact same thing.

song recs: rocks - imagine dragons, end of all things - panic at the disco, I hear a symphony - cody fry, fuck it I love you - lana del rey, tell me that you love me - victorious cast, where do we go from here - amelie obc, I can't handle change - roar

a/n: this is the last chapter of rocks. I got so emotional writing this and I sincerely hope yall enjoy. also before anyone asks YES I'm planning a sequel about season 2 but it's curretnly tba. I hope you cry when you hear rocks by imagine dragons and get flustered as FUCK when you hear tell me that you love me by the victorious cast because Ricky Bowen needs to be told I love you to cum it's canon Tim Federle told me so. Fangz again to Cici for proof reading and fangz to you guys for reading <3 send in Ricky asks lol

tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads

The show is over, midterms are over, now it’s Friday night and you can’t sleep. It’s one of a handful of Fridays over the past few months that you haven’t spent at rehearsal, and no matter how many times they roll around, it still feels weird. You chalk it up to routine, muscle memory, but part of you still worries you’ll be late when you see it’s past 6pm. You miss the El Rey, you miss the auditorium and rehearsal room at school, you miss circle time with Miss Jenn and all your friends. Post show depression always sucks, but after everything that happened during High School Musical, how intense things got, the letdown is worse than usual. 

Even all the fun things Miss Jenn had planned to keep everyone’s spirits up until the next show gets announced are all over. You’d spent a week with your friends learning a song about winter Ashlyn wrote and Gina and Carlos choreographed so everyone could do a flashmob for the new East High theatre department’s instagram page. Miss Jenn got everyone together to make some content in advance to post before the break, but you finished your last take of the flashmob after school today. New Year’s isn’t until later this week, so you’ve finally reached the wasteland between closing one show and starting another. 

“Hey,” your mom says softly from your doorway, and you look up from where you’re sitting on your bed. You greet her quietly, flipping through your playbill from the show, still wearing your cast shirt. You have a few open hat boxes in front of you, adorned in light florals and other delicate patterns and designs. Each one of them is full to the brim with playbills, confetti, and other mementos from past shows, except the one in front of you, which still has some room left in it. 

Your mom walks over to you, watching your expression closely as you flip through your playbill, not wanting to put it away just yet. She rests her hand on your back, rubbing her thumb affectionately before tucking the tag of your shirt back into the neck. You both know what’s coming. You think back to the deal you made with her after your dad left. You didn’t realize until months after how much you’d been struggling with everything. Your mom discussed dropping out of the show you were in, even though you were so close to opening night, and you’d refused. You’re not the type to drop out of a show you’ve spent months rehearsing for just because of some struggles in your personal life. 

Your mom could see clear as day how you weren’t having fun like you used to, how burnt out you were going to get if you kept up like that. What kind of mother would she be if she just let you do that to yourself? Once you’d found a new house and a new job out in Utah, you came to the agreement that you’d take a break for the summer. After that, if you wanted to do theatre again, you could do a show at your new school - nothing high pressure, or competitive and catty, or overly professional. After that, if you still want to, you can return back to professional theatre after you graduate. 

“So?” she says softly. Your chest squeezes, and you’re so grateful that you’ve been able to feel and see and do and experience every single thing you love about theatre so much. There had been no high stakes, nothing riding on you and your ability to perform. It was just fun. Passion. A passion you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to let go of. 

“I want to do the next show.” You say, without a trace of reservation. She smiles softly, looking down at you. She hasn’t seen you like this, so much like yourself, in years. You’re glowing and at peace, and she has never, ever been happier to see it. After everything the two of you have been through, the divorce - and the events leading up to it - she remembers this is what she’s been fighting for, the goal she’s been working toward; seeing you happy and thriving. She had a hunch that high school theatre was exactly what you needed, and now she thanks her lucky stars she was right.  

You don’t talk about what you’re going to do after the next show, it’s not quite time to worry about that yet. There’s no need to rush anything, especially when it comes to stuff like this. You’re sure that when it comes time to make a decision, you’ll know in your heart what the right one will be. But even just from looking at you, even if you don’t know yet, your mom has another hunch that you’ll be back in New York, lighting up every stage on Broadway at some point. She presses a kiss to your forehead, rubbing your back again as you finally, reluctantly place your playbill in the open hat box in front of you. 

“Try to get some rest, sweetie.” 

She goes off to bed, and now you really have nothing to do. You sigh as you organize your hat boxes back on the top shelf of your closet, in the order you usually keep them in. You look around, deciding to clean your room. You run down to the kitchen to get a trash bag, then return to your room. You dig through all the scented candles you’ve been hoarding and pick out a nice smelling one to light, then put something on Netflix for some background noise. You start by folding your laundry, then pick up any stray trash. Usually cleaning your room gives you time to think, but you’re not really thinking much of anything now. You’re grateful for the break. 

You move from task to task, losing track of time as Netflix continues to autoplay. You pause what you’re doing for a second, trying to figure out why two characters are arguing. You’ve barely been paying attention, but are still managing to follow the plot for the most part. During that moment of stillness, you hear your phone buzz with a text. You pick it up, shocked at how late it is, how quickly the time got away from you. It also makes you wonder who could be texting you so late. It’s Ricky. That makes sense, you think. You wonder what he’s doing up so late as you open the message. 

You set your phone on the windowsill, then head towards your closet to try and make some sense of it. You’re not sure how it got to be such a hot mess - in all fairness, it’s not really that messy. You just need a project to work on. You straighten up your hanging clothes, refold all your jeans and folded sweaters, then reorganize it by color. Or maybe cut. You’re not sure yet. You make a mental note to rewatch Tidying Up with Marie Kondo later for more ideas. 

You decide to revisit that in a few minutes, instead turning to all the pillows and blankets hidden on the floor of your closet. You adjust them, remembering the first time you’d shown your nap hole to Ricky. Your mind wanders idly, recounting all the things that have happened since then. You really hope that in spite of everything, Ricky had a good time performing. A part of you really hopes he’s going to do more shows. He’s so talented, and he has so much natural potential. After what he’s been through, it would make total sense if he never wanted to do theatre again, but a part of you silently hopes that he’s grown to love it the way you do. 

Thunk. 

You turn your head suddenly, wondering if you’d imagined the small noise. You glance back at the window, and see you left your phone there. You figure it was a notification or something. When you press the power button to check, you’re met with the words no new notifications on your lock screen. 

Thunk.

Something moves in the corner of your vision, followed by another noise, then another.

Thunk- crack! 

Your brow furrows as you stare at the hairline fracture left in the glass of your window. You try to peer down, but it’s so dark you can’t really see anything. You open your window up wide, lifting the latch and popping out the screen. You lean your head out just enough to look down, but it’s still too dark. You turn on your phone flashlight and hold tight to your popsocket, angling the beam down, only to be met with Ricky. 

He’s holding a small plastic bag and a handful of rocks to throw until he gets your attention. He waves up at you awkwardly, and you laugh, covering your mouth to not make too much noise. It sounds beautiful. Everything you do is always so beautiful, he’s not sure why he’s still surprised when you take his breath away effortlessly. His stomach twists for a moment, and he hopes he gives you butterflies like you give him all the time. He looks up at you, and leaning down from your window like this, he thinks you’d make a really good Juliet. He’s not sure if you’ve done any Shakespeare before, but he makes a mental note to ask. 

You watch from above as he holds the plastic bag in his mouth and starts climbing up the tree next to your house. You lose sight of him for a moment, until he reappears on the lattice on the side of your house. He’s careful not to disturb the ivy slowly growing its way up in spite of the cold weather. You laugh in disbelief, watching him climb through your window until he’s standing in front of you. It feels like something out of a movie, and your heart is pounding in your chest. 

“You could have used the door…” you laugh. 

“Well,” he shrugs, “I wanted to shake it up a little.” He smiles at you, pulling something out of the bag. 

“I brought you coffee.” He pulls a to go cup out of the bag, handing it to you. He’s hopeful it will make you happy, and the way your eyes light up when you accept the drink is worth the stranger looks he got from the barista for ordering espresso at 11 at night. He takes out his drink, throwing the empty plastic bag in your garbage. You look up at him with those pretty eyes and his stomach flips. You move closer, pressing a kiss to his lips, one he leans into. 

“Thanks,” you say after pulling away, sending him the most blinding, dazzling smile. He’s been inside you more times than he can count, and your kisses still make his head all fuzzy. He lets out a soft laugh, feeling a little high from your attention. He sits on your bed, watching you as you sit backwards on your desk chair. You both sip your drinks, and it’s quiet for a moment. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh, surprised at how well you can read him. 

“It… still feels weird not being at rehearsal.” he says, thinking out loud. You nod in silent understanding of everything left unsaid. You chuckle lightly.

“Yeah, post show depression will really kick your ass.” He laughs, feeling called out at your words. 

“Yeah…” he agrees. When Nini dumped him, he felt like there was a sinkhole in his chest. Then after that, when she left, when she just walked out on him and his dad, he felt like he was going to cave in. Then he met you. You didn’t make him stop missing her or Nini, but you gave him something to lean on. You helped him realize he had something else to think about - the show. Now he doesn’t think about Nini nearly as much as he used to; that wound is starting to heal. As for the other thing, long as he doesn’t let himself think about her or Todd, as long as he keeps moving, he’s sort of okay. 

But now he’s feeling a new kind of emptiness. He doesn’t like goodbyes, he never has, so even though he knew closing night would be hard, he didn’t expect it to hurt this much. He didn’t expect himself to grow so familiar with the soundtrack and the script, running lines and remembering blocking. He didn’t expect to miss being called Troy so much. 

“I didn’t ever expect to love theatre, or love you, as much as I do,” he muses. You glance down, face flushed from his words. He gives you butterflies so effortlessly, it’s really amazing. 

“I love you too,” you smile, taking another sip of your drink. He giggles - actually giggles - at your words. 

“So,” you continue, “you liked it? Doing the show, I mean. I know there were some ups and downs but-” 

“I loved it.”

He smiles, and you both laugh, light and bubbling over your shared adoration of each other and the experiences you just shared. 

"I really, really loved it." He breathes, distracted for a moment as he remembers it all. "I just… I didn't expect to be so sad after?" 

You spin a little in your seat, taking another sip as you listen. 

"Like, I spent so much time learning how to become Troy, learning all the lines and blocking and choreo and now I'm never going to get to do that again."

"Yeah," you agree, looking down. "I mean, that's the beauty of theatre; it's always fleeting, but there's always going to be another show."

You can see him soaking in your words, really letting them in. It doesn't mitigate his sadness, but you don't expect it to. You get up from where you’re spinning side to side on your desk chair and sit next to him on your bed, placing your coffee on the night table. You wrap your arm around him, resting your head on his shoulder. You don’t say anything, and you don’t need to. Your presence is more comforting than words could be. Maybe it’s the sweet smell of your peachy perfume, maybe it’s the way you’re so consistent in his life, but he’s reminded in a rush of the first night you spent together. Memories replay like flashbacks in his mind, and after a moment, he turns his head toward you. 

His face is so close to yours, and it’s obvious what he’s thinking from the bedroom eyes he’s giving you, flicking between yours and your lips. It happens so suddenly, your heart barely has time to pound before he’s pressing his lips to yours in a deep kiss. Ricky needs a distraction from the ache in his chest. He needs something else to do, something else to think about, something else that makes him happy. He can’t think of something better to focus on than you. He deepens the kiss as you hold on to him tight, loving the way you always melt under his touch. You sigh against him, giggling as he works your lips open, slipping his tongue into your mouth. 

He climbs on top of you as his hands move down. He takes his time, feeling you up, obsessing over every part of you until he gets to your thighs. He gropes your pretty thighs that he wants so badly to put his face between, not missing the way you were squirming a moment ago, already needy for some friction. He slots himself between your legs as he presses kisses into your neck, adoring the pretty sighs and noises you let out. He squeezes your thighs in his hands, before pulling you flat on your back with him hovering on top of you. The sudden change in position makes your heart race, and you can feel your cunt getting hot and puffy with arousal. The expression on your face makes it so worth it, he thinks, watching it grow even more flustered as he moves down. He pulls off your shirt and presses kisses between your tits. He plays with them, squeezing and running his thumbs over your hardened nipples in little circles. No matter how many times he sees them, it always feels like the first time, when all he could say was Wow. Oh my god. Wow. You let out a choked noise at the feeling, one he reciprocates, moaning into the soft flesh he has in his mouth.

“Fuck, Ricky…” you breathe, watching him closely as he moves down, trailing kisses along your stomach, squeezing your waist and hips, finally tugging off your bottoms. He trails his fingers over your panties for a moment, taking in how pretty they look on you, how much he loves to see that little wet spot growing bigger and bigger. He throbs as he takes them off, and you watch with wide eyes as he opens your legs a bit more. 

“There we go,” he says softly, and your pussy pulses in anticipation of his touch. He spreads you open, taking a moment to take in how pretty your pussy is, how nice you look all spread open for him like this. It’s a shorter moment than he would have liked, he just can’t resist you, he can’t wait to press soft kisses to your heat, to flick his tongue over your clit, to make you feel good. He won’t wait any longer, doing just that, listening to every noise that escapes your pretty lips like a breathtaking song. He traces a finger around your dripping hole, fluttering and desperate for contact. 

As he works his first finger in, he can't help but feel like he's home. You're so tight around just one finger, he wonders how you're always able to take all of him. The thought makes his stomach flutter with anticipation. He pumps his finger in and out gently, feeling you get wetter around him as you get used to the sensation. He continues licking and sucking on your clit, pulsing in his mouth, as he does. You taste amazing, and he wants more and more. 

"Fuck, Ricky…" you sigh, and it's like music to his ears. He pushes his second finger in, and moans against your clit as he feels your tight walls stretch and relax to accommodate him. You let out a sharp gasp, throbbing erratically against his tongue. He scissors his fingers, breath hitching as you stretch around him. 

“Oh my god,” you choke out in a breathy sigh, “Ricky…” 

He loses all his progress as you clamp around him, bucking into his mouth as you cum around his fingers. He pauses for a moment, dizzy from the sensation, that he did that to you, made you feel that good. You tug on his hair, and before you can even ask, he knows. You want more of him, want him inside you. He climbs up on top of you. You tear his clothes off, throwing them on the floor, not wanting to waste a moment. His cock throbs, almost painfully hard, and he can’t wait any longer. He needs to be inside you more than anything. He lets out a jagged sigh, pumping his cock in anticipation. He’s so ready, more ready than he’s ever been to be welcomed back into your wet, hot, tight embrace. 

He finally begins to nudge his cock inside you. He chokes at how easily it goes in, how you seem to pull him deeper and deeper inside you. You’re ready for him, even more so than usual from how hard he made you cum a few minutes before. He can feel you suck him up inside you, gripping and squeezing him just right. Each time you let him inside, each time you let him stretch out your perfect, dripping cunt, it always feels unimaginably better than the last. Every single time, he thinks that this, you, have to be the best he’ll ever have. And every single time, he’s right. You feel so good, so indescribably good, a part of him wants to cum right on the spot. 

“Fuck, I love you…” He chokes out, voice breathy. And he means it. God, does he mean it. He says it right as he pushes his cock inside you, filling you up in the most delicious way, knocking the breath out of your lungs in tandem. You try to say it back, you want to say it back, but his tongue is already shoved down your throat as he covers your mouth with deeper and deeper kisses. He’s insatiable, not ever getting as much of you as he needs to satisfy what he’s craving. 

He starts moving, unable to wait, unable to stop himself from pistoning his cock as deep inside you as he can get it. He drags his cock against your gummy walls, the friction already making you both dizzy. He keeps going, rutting his hips into yours, moaning into your mouth. He cages you in with his arms, resting his hands on your cheeks as he gazes into your eyes. He’s so in love with you, so fucking in love with you. You’re… his world. You’re his everything. Everything he does revolves around you; he’s not the main character in his story, you are. 

He would move mountains for you, overcome anything, travel any distance just for you, to be in your arms. He loves you so much it almost hurts, and he knows he’s never felt more relief than he did on opening night, when he finally, finally told you everything he feels for you. He was so sick of biting it back, of worrying about timing, if you would say it back, if he could even say it at all. He can’t remember ever being happier than he was when he finally said fuck it, and spilled his guts to you. Right here, right now, he can feel the little bulge he’s making in your tummy. He can feel where your bodies are touching and squishing together, and he can feel you wrap your legs around him to pull him even closer. He didn’t think he could be any more crazy over you than he already is, but all of this, all of you is driving him to even higher heights than he could imagine. 

It’s overwhelming, and he moans, long and low into your mouth. There’s no other way to express what you make him feel than through his beautiful moans, like music to your ears, or telling you that he loves you every chance he gets, with his last breath he’ll be telling you again and again. He presses kisses to your cheek, moving down to your neck, taking in your sweet scent. God, he doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anyone this badly. He doesn’t think he’s wanted anyone or anything as much as he wants you. He’s so attracted to you, drawn to you in an almost primal way that leaves him rutting his hips into yours, grinding into your clit to get as close as possible, moaning shamelessly into your neck. It sends jolts of electricity through you, lighting you up like a powergrid. 

His breath hits your skin in steady, warm puffs. He lets out another moan as you scratch your nails down his back. Your hand tangles in his hair and tugs it just right, making him throb inside you. He knows in this moment that no one can ever make him feel this good, no one else can do what you do to him. He can feel himself getting closer and closer as he sucks bruises into your neck, leaving constellations of love bites across your perfect skin. Even though he’s holding you as tight as he can, drawing noises out of you that no one else has had the privilege of hearing, and it makes his head spin, he needs more. 

He finally pulls away from your neck, resting his forehead against yours. You lean up to kiss him, and even though he’s aching for you, he doesn't kiss you. Not quite yet. Instead, he looks into your eyes so deeply, so intensely, with such a burning hunger that you feel like you’re being fused together. He’s still panting, this time your warm breaths fan over each other’s faces as he really soaks in everything about you, how pretty you look in his arms like this - and fuck, you’re pretty. 

“I’m close, peach,” he pants, sending even more heat to your core, making you squeeze around him as he presses a burning kiss to your lips; one you accept eagerly.  

“‘M so close,” he says again between kisses, “Can- fuck- can you say it for me? Can you tell me? Please, peach, I need to hear it, need to hear you say it…” he rambles, drunk on you and p=-

You’re trying your best, but it would be a lot easier if everything he was saying and doing didn’t render you breathless and unable to do anything but moan and writhe beneath him. 

“I love you, Ricky,” you choke out, desperate and sincere. You finally connect your lips, only for him to moan into your mouth. It’s loud and shameless and has you teetering on the precipice. “Love you so much, so fucking much,” you continue to babble as he buries his face in your neck, moaning so much he almost can’t register what you’re saying. He’s glad you’re saying it anyway. 

He can barely register how close he is before he cums. It’s hard and sudden, and he’s barely able to hear your sweet words over the blood pounding in his ears. You let out a noise he thought only existed in porn, following closely behind him. Your legs shake around him as you grab him as tight as you can, desperate for something to hold onto. You squeeze him in a vice grip as you let out the most beautiful whines and moans, and it’s enough to make him dizzy. Just your noises alone are almost enough to make him hard again - which he probably would be, if you hadn’t just milked his cock completely dry. You stay like that for a moment, letting yourself be filled up with him, letting himself be squeezed tight by your throbbing walls. He can feel your heartbeat in your soft cunt, and he lets out a shuddering sigh at the feeling. He mutters sweet nothings into your ear, rambling about every good thing he feels for you. He doesn’t think he could shut up if he tried - he usually can’t when it comes to you. He presses more and more kisses to your skin as you mutter sweet nothings back, rubbing your hand over the red marks you’d left on his back, playing with his hair. You take your time coming down from this, letting yourselves be right here and now, in each other’s arms. 

Eventually, he pulls out more reluctantly than he’s done anything. You manage to clean up enough to fall back into bed, into each other’s arms. In those few moments, you glance around at the several unfinished cleaning tasks you’d started earlier. You shrug them off, telling yourself you’ll finish them later. As you’re welcomed into Ricky’s warm embrace, you think this is way more fun than cleaning anyway. 

You settle into each other, getting comfortable as he holds you tight against his chest. You can feel the steady rise and fall of each other’s breathing, your heartbeats gradually slowing back down, the warmth pooling between you. In the quiet air surrounding you, you can feel the calm turn into a sort of melancholy. You trace your fingers over his skin as he takes solace in you. Everything about you is so comforting, he can’t deny that you’re what’s kept him as centered as he’s been able to be. 

“Where do we go from here?” he asks.

His voice is quiet, breaking ripples into the glassy silence surrounding you, but you can hear the emotion wavering through it. You’re quiet for a moment, considering. You’re not quite sure if he means him and you, him and his dad, or the next audition. It doesn’t matter, you realize, because you’ll have his back through all of it. And he’ll have yours. 

“I dunno,” you start gently, and he holds onto your words, cherishing them like heirlooms, “but I do know one thing. Miss Jenn is announcing the next show in a few days, on New Year’s Eve. So, we should probably start thinking about audition music.” 

Just the briefest mention of auditions has him smiling at the memories from a few months ago, bursting in late with his guitar. At the time, he had only ever expected to remember that audition as the day he won Nini back. He never could have predicted what a different, more significant weight that would hold for him now. The mention of New Year’s Eve brings something else to mind as well. 

“Ashlyn’s having a New Year’s party, right?” 

“Yes!” you exclaim softly, “I totally forgot about that…” 

Ricky traces his thumb over your cheek as you discuss carpools and if you should bring drinks or cupcakes. He never knew he could feel this way, this warm, just from listening to someone talk. He doesn’t know what happens next. He doesn’t know what’s going to change, but he thinks he can handle it if he has you. He’s so wrapped up in you, so invested in the quiet little conversation you’re now having about sheet music and party outfits that he doesn’t notice his phone buzzing in the pocket of his jeans, strewn across your floor. After a moment it lights up with a new notification. 

1 missed call from Dr. Robert (therapist)

1 new voicemail from Dr. Robert (therapist) 

#rocks at your window #ricky bowen x reader #hsmtmts ricky #ricky bowen #hsmtmts #hsmtmts x reader #is now a good time to remind yall that I love you guys?? #cause I do lol #<333 #also is anyone interested in a full rocks at your window playlist?? #I'm probs gonna make a masterpost with all the parts and add links to the chapters once they're all up #or like... any shoplook outfits I made for writing inspo #i am a polyvore bitch at heart #anyway let me know any bonus content you guys wanna see lol

[kitausuret]

Harry Osborn/Flash Thompson Fic Recs

(Harry and Flash at Flash's birthday, Amazing Spider-Man #789; Slott & Immonen)

After writing my own HarryFlash fic, and also at the request of a friend, I realized it might be a good idea to recommend a few of my favorites I've come across! It's a small ship but one I've become very fond of. Full disclosure, I haven't read everything out there, and if anyone has any recommendations, feel free to add them on! But here's what I've found on Ao3 and am happy to pass on.

As always, heed the tags and summaries, and have fun! Remember to kudos and comment!

Got to Believe It's Worth It - by turnofthesentry (1k, T+) - 616

Short, sweet, a little sad, a little smutty (mostly vague/suggestive). Set right before Flash ships off for active duty. I love this one even though it hurts my heart a lot. Bonus, there's a comic adaptation by @oliveroctavius which you can find right here!

Not a Math but a Science - by turnofthesentry (1k, Gen) - 616

So this one isn't solely HarryFlash, it's more like Harry pining for everyone, but it's a beautiful 4+1 fic (4 kisses Harry wanted, and 1 he got) and the bit for Flash is very sweet. I'm feelings.

phone calls - by kingdavidbowie (~2k, T+) - TASM

I think this might be a sequel to hallway by the same author, but I liked this one in particular because of its blending with some things from comics canon, especially for Flash. It's a little sad but they are sweet boys...

had they not been interrupted - by softgrungeprophet (1k, Explicit) - 616-esque-ish

trans!Flash? trans!Flash! Nadia wrote this wonderful little fic as part of their series..es..? where Flash is a trans girl. This one is a personal favorite, Harry is very good and very sweet to her.

better there than perfect - by blue_bees (2.5k, Gen) - 616

I really like this one because it's from the roommates era!! (oh my god, they were roommates) It's sweet and a little bit sad in parts but what good Coffee Bean ship isn't.

"The ladies dig a man in uniform." - by blue_bees (4k, T+) - 616

My favorite thing about this fic is how definitively it is set in the silver age of comics - Oli talks a lot on his blog about the importance of historical context with comics, and I love the way he uses that in this fic. It also makes it a little sad, of course (queer men in the sixties, and all) but god, it's so good. Also, getting frisky in a car is fun.

I hear the soft sigh of his inhale - by softgrungeprophet (9k, T+) - 616

This one's just plain fun. And look at that word count! It's inspired by the Spidey newspaper strip, which had a little B plot (or maybe more like a C plot) about Harry and Flash running a roller disco. This tick-marks a lot of my favorite things to see in fics, like the whole supporting cast. There are so many characters in this one!! It's fun! There's a scene that takes place during Halloween! It's got DAD!HARRY! There's also a lovely drawing by Oli at the bottom.

Cover Me In Bruises - by BlueCrowAnxiety (12k, Explicit, Incomplete [currently at ch. 10]) - Raimiverse

Let me preface this by saying I am not that into Raimi!Spider-Man, but I know there are a lot of Raimi fans out there and this is from what I've seen the only fic that falls into that category. I know from their other fics that Blue has a good knowledge of comics canon and that shines through here and there in this fic. I'd never considered HarryFlash in that universe before this one! It's neat!

Learn to Let it Show - by Kitausuret (2k, Gen) - 616

Not to toot my own horn, but I did just publish my very own HarryFlash fic last night. It's set after Venom: Space Knight because I like Flash as Venom and dad!Harry.

I hope you have fun with these suggestions! If anyone knows of any outside ao3 or that I missed, for sure feel free to add them.

#fic recs #harryflash #harry osborn #flash thompson

[flagbridge]

Shows I saw in 2023, Part 5: Next Year’s Tonys?

Currently in NYC and caught two Broadway shows: Merrily We Roll Along and Here Lies Love.

1. Merrily We Roll Along. This was a last minute decision at 4 PM snagging the last single seat on StubHub for an 8 PM Curtain. My seat was Balcony row D. Unpaid $160 which is below what is currently face value (the ticket was purchased by the reseller in March for $99). Most tickets are going for upwards of $200 and much more for this much hyped Sondheim Revival starring Jonathan Groff, Lindsey Mendez, and Daniel Radcliffe. It’s still in previews and I saw something I’ve never seen in the age of online resale: people outside the theater trying to get tickets.

I didn’t like it.

This absolutely phenomenal cast, from the chemistry between the three leads, the supporting actors and ensemble, could not rescue a bad book that drags so badly and had me so bored that if it hadn’t been for the cast and appreciating their work I would have left at intermission.

I didn’t know the show. My mom is a Sondheim fanatic who saw the original of everything (after Sweeney, she said that Annaleigh Ashford is “no Angela Landsbury…ok Mom) and warned me that it’s always gotten mixed reviews. It’s often performed in high school and community theater so many know the show quite well. I did not. It’s Sondheim, so the actual overall story he’s trying to tell and music is fantastic. But the show just does not draw you in.

The show also does something that I loathe in theater which is to call a normally-sized woman fat (also, calling a beautiful woman ugly—I see you Funny Girl)

Would I recommend it? If you want to see a phenomenal original cast or have nostalgia from being in the show, yes. Daniel Radcliffe is also actually Broadway talented—this is not stunt casting. But I wouldn’t drop $500 on it.

2. Here Lies Love. Full disclosure: I am a David Byrne (and Talking Heads) fan. American Utopia was the last show I saw before the pandemic and I dropped $300 for third row seats on that one and don’t regret it.

I heard this was a cool concept where it’s like being in a disco club. I got a TDF deal (they have both seated and floor seats). If you are able—get on the floor. You’re part of the action and right next to the actors. I had a great time and would go back just to dance along now knowing the songs. Notably, if you’re on the dance floor, they give you your Playbill when you leave. I had a great time.

#broadway shows #musicals #broadway musicals #here lies love #merrily we roll along #jonathan groff #daniel radcliffe #theater #shows I saw in 2023

[earthstellar]

Just so you all know, France got a special French language album released for the original Transformers movie, and honestly, it kicks ass. Very 80s disco.

This seems to be a unique Transformers album, in that most if not all of the tracks are completely original to the French promotion/release of the film, and don’t seem to sample any audio from any other Transformers music produced and released elsewhere. 

The track linked above is “Transformers pour un monde meilleur”, and honestly, it’s an incredibly good track! 

I’m unsure if this track was used in the film (perhaps credits) at any point, or if it was used in any TV materials (either the series itself post-movie release), or if it may have been part of an advertising campaign or other promotion. 

Either way, it’s rare to see an international release with 100% locally produced original content for a show in the 1980s! 

Especially as it seems most other international translations of Transformers (aside from the Japanese version, for obvious reasons) generally kept the USA release tracks/albums, albeit sometimes with lyrics removed (turning some songs into instrumental only tracks) or sometimes with translated lyrics being performed by a singer cast by the localisation/translation teams of various respective countries. 

If you are someone who grew up with the French language media for Transformers, I would be interested to know how this album was utilised in TF media in France! 

Interestingly, other French speaking nations (or even primarily French speaking regions of certain nations such as Belgium) do not seem to have had this French TF album released, as far as I can tell. So this album may have been 100% unique solely to France! 

EDIT: Although this perhaps isn’t surprising, as my favourite part about the French version of the movie is that they made Starscream female.

This is presumed to be because they were not provided with many translation notes (according to what I’ve heard, which also seems supported by the TF Wiki notes on the French version) and they assumed the high pitched English language voice meant Starscream was female:

“In the French dub of The Transformers: The Movie (but not in the TV series), both Starscream and Shrapnel were referred to as female, with Megatron calling Starscream "une imbecile" at one point (French articles are gendered), and Shrapnel referred to as "Mademoiselle". The reason for this gender-switch was never fully explained, though it is possible that Starscream's and Shrapnel's rather high-pitched voices were mistaken for women's voices.” - TF Wiki

YOU CAN LISTEN TO THE OFFICIALLY FEMALE FRENCH STARSCREAM HERE. 

Honestly? I fucking love the French Starscream. She’s amazing. 

I’d love to know more about the French language TF dub, especially the original movie, because it seems to have an all around somewhat unique take on everything-- And I wonder why, as many other national/regional dubs don’t have quite the wide range of unique content! 

#transformers #g1 #tf g1 #maccadam #tf audio #tf music #music #audio #transformers movie #86 movie #transformers music #transformers audio #g1 music #starscream #tf starscream

[jonismitchell]

Love dies in the city; or the romanticism v. modernism conflict on folklore

In my humble opinion, Taylor Swift’s 2020 album folklore is about the conflict between romanticism and modernism. It sets up the natural as a place of freedom and unrestrained love, contrasting this with the city (presumably New York) as a place of hiding and secrecy that ultimately dooms the integral relationship. In the end, Swift expresses her deepest desires to return to the natural world, to restart the timeline that began with her move to New York, something I will elaborate on when discussing “hoax” and “the lakes.” This storyline is the crux of the album, and the motif I’ve used to classify its songs into six distinct sections, which follow a vague plot that is not represented in the track list order.

the natural (seven, invisible string, betty) I would argue that “seven” represents the heart of folklore, containing what seems to be the album’s mission statement (“passed down like folk songs / our love lasts so long”) and describing the earliest point in Swift’s timeline. This song is the one most directly linked to nature, describing a childhood friendship that takes place in the woods. One lyric, “before I learned civility / I used to scream ferociously / any time I wanted,” implies that Swift found freedom in nature, when her secrets were mere promises to friends instead of the pain she had since hinged her life on. In addition, this song is pure romanticism. The interest in childhood is implied, we can reasonably assume both main characters to be seven years old. To support this, the song states “although I can’t recall your face, I still got love for you,” implying that much time has passed since the events. There is awe of nature (the “beautiful things” are the creek and the trees), emphasis on the importance of imagination (your dad is mad because the house is haunted), and a celebration of the individual (“just like a folk song, our love will be passed on,” where the love is the individual she speaks of). This is the dream that Swift wants to return to, and yet her characters already face conflict (the keeping of secrets, hiding in the closet, an angry father). She romanticizes her past into something she can escape into, creating a sort of mythos around an upset childhood.

Our next nature-intensive song is “invisible string.” She again makes a callback to childhood, citing a park where she used to read in Nashville. It would not be incorrect to categorize this as a love song, perhaps the most lighthearted one on the album. Swift emphasizes time and fate, both recurring themes in her discography. Like “seven,” “invisible string” draws attention to nature as a freeing and healing space, which sets the stage for her romance. Lines such as “gold were the leaves when I showed you around Centennial Park” draw attention to the ‘invisible’ connection the song depicts. In the bridge, she notes that there was “a string that pulled me / out of all the wrong arms, right into that dive bar,” implying a protection from the dangers of interpersonal conflict. Throughout the verses, mentions of any city stay tangential (“your first trip to LA… an American singer”) while the focus lies on her freedom. It is a dreamlike song, which implies that the city can be glimpsed but not detrimental, and showcases an utter belief in things working out. 

It is, then, rather ironic that the final song with unique ties to the environment highlights an unanswered apology after the foundations of romance have been shocked. “betty” is ostensibly narrated by a teenager, James, who plans to make up for her mistake in a garden. This perspective ties into the album’s greater focus on time, in this instance equating innocence (“I don’t know anything”) with a natural setting (the garden, which is explicitly removed from society). At first, James wonders if Betty will allow an apology, but wants it to happen without anyone watching (“if I showed up at your party… would you lead me to the garden”). She then casts this hope aside, dreaming about being able to broadcast her love to the world without fear of judgement (“will you kiss me on the porch in front of all your stupid friends”). It is also, then, relevant that the relationship is ruined when scrutinized (“rumours from Inez”). When considering how themes of secrecy and hiding come into the picture once the narrative travels to the city, it is interesting to look at how the hope of an public relationship prevails here. But in the end, James still dreams of going back to any relationship with Betty, no matter how private (“kissing in my car again”). Of course, Taylor Swift herself is James, and James is Swift, so we know that the secrecy dooms the relationship in the end.

the romance (august, illicit affairs) “august” describes a doomed relationship, perhaps meant to be the affair James has that prompts her apology to Betty. However, the story of a love that was never built to last has been referenced multiple times in Swift’s discography (“Wildest Dreams” and “Getaway Car”) and even expressly linked to summer on 2019’s “Cruel Summer.” These songs show distinct lyrical similarities to “august.” Hence, I feel comfortable describing this song in the context of those, rather than within the storyline of Swift’s fictitious love triangle. (Which is flimsy as it stands, but that’s for another analysis.) While there is no set location, this song describes one kind of coming-of-age (“whispers of are you sure”) and delves into the hope associated with a short-lived romance. Here, there is no secrecy to speak of, but a fear of what will come when a return to society comes (“will you call when you’re back at school”). My contrast for this song is saying it is “Cruel Summer” without the ‘happy’ ending. There is a privacy here (“meet me behind the mall”) but it is the instability of the romance that dooms it (“you weren’t mine to lose”). “august” is a time capsule, a reflection on the love that always would’ve ended regardless of the locale.

The next song, “illicit affairs,” is another one that ‘visits’ the city (for lack of a better term) but places the primary conflict in a largely undetermined setting. In fact, there seems to be a rejection of the urban (“take the road less traveled by”). In the sorting of tracks as they relate to different sub-themes, “illicit affairs” is the first song that says, without preamble, that secrecy is the death of love. While the word ‘illicit’ simply means forbidden, the verses describe sneaking around in a way that has been attributed to cheating since album release. There is virtually no acknowledgement of another character outside of the two lovers, save for the ‘him’ referenced in the perfume line. But it is not this person that the narrator seeks to hide from, it seems to be almost everyone. It could be construed as a song about adultery, but taken in the context of the rest of the album it reads as a lament for having to hide a relationship (most likely a romantic one between two women, but this is extrapolation).

the city (the last great american dynasty, mirrorball, mad woman) Now we approach the slew of songs that deal with the actual location of the city. The first song is “the last great american dynasty,” which seems the most removed from Taylor’s viewpoint and yet involves her directly (“and then it was bought by me”). We get an actual move to the ‘city’ (“Rebekah rode up on the afternoon train”) which is reminiscent of Swift’s own move to New York in 2014. Rebekah is immediately disliked by the people around her, blamed for her husband’s death to the extent where she flies in “bitch pack friends.” (1) Keeping with the theme of folklore’s similarity to a time capsule, one could see this song as Swift retelling her own purchase of Holiday House (and by extension much of the events from 2014/2015) through the lens of someone else’s life. Indeed, part of this theory is directly corroborated by the song through the lines “then it was bought by me” and “I had a marvellous time ruining everything.” In relation to the conflict between secrecy and survival of love, “the last great american dynasty” does not offer much insight. However, it effectively sets the scene for songs to come.

(1): I don’t know anything about Rebekah Harkness’ life, this is just how I interpreted the song. 

After the initial move, “mirrorball” establishes the new dynamic between the lovers. In turn, it introduces the performative nature of romance in the city (which is referred to and combatted with the line “all these people think love’s for show / but I would die for you in secret” from “peace”). Swift expresses interest in a lover who is “not like the regulars,” who wants more than to watch her turmoil. Still, this song finds her drawn into the nature of performing, consistently showcasing her tragedy to let others see themselves to the extent where she cannot even let her guard down when “no one is around.” Even after the circus has been called off, she seems to have entirely integrated with the role of the mirrorball. This provides some introspection on her viewpoint: digging into insecurities under the viewpoint of desperately trying to save a sinking ship. Almost as a counterpart to “seven,” the lyrics to “mirrorball” show some characteristics of modernism. Individualism is represented through the focus on the person who is the mirrorball, while unrelated characters do not warrant much elaboration. In terms of formalism and experimentation, the format and structure of the song deviate from Swift’s usual manner. The concept of a person being a mirrorball (shown in the music video as a disco ball) is both a symbol and verges into the absurd. All the imagery in this track is based in large crowds; featuring a disco, a circus, and masquerade revelers. It both establishes the setting where love dies and assures that the relationship will end (“the end is near”). 

“mad woman” is the final song which establishes setting more than storyline. It proves the city as a angry and dangerous place, one that is not sympathetic to “people like” Swift. We find her contemplating revenge on someone who has done her a great wrong, which is less attached to the general storyline but serves to depict the setting as actively hostile and worthy of contempt. When compared with other tracks, certain lyrics imply that the narrator is hell-bent on getting the last word (“they say move on but you know I won’t” / “you know I left a part of me back in New York”). There isn’t much else notable about this song in terms of what we are talking about, but it does frame several absurdist tendencies in the context of a destructive setting. 

the death (cardigan, exile, my tears ricochet, epiphany)  In “cardigan,” Swift reminisces on a long-past relationship, which has been interpreted to be James and Betty’s teenage melodrama. This is the first of many breakup songs, which idolize what has passed and mourn the loss. We observe many signs of the city (“chasing shadows in the grocery line”) and individualism (“I knew everything when I was young”). As referenced in “betty,” the cardigan becomes a symbol for the relationship at large. Moreso, the idea that the relationship was cursed to end as it begun is elaborated on here (“I knew you tried to change the ending”) even if it is not ascribed to secrecy yet. In reflecting on Swift’s past work, we see many signs of her being accustomed to this thought (“I can see the end as it begins” from Wildest Dreams and “I knew (...) we were cursed” from Getaway Car), but “cardigan” comes across with deeper pain regarding the whole affair. In tying different lyrics together (“back when I was living for the hope of it all” from “august” and “I hope I never lose you” from Cornelia Street), we begin to paint a picture of the true narrative behind the love triangle. Swift knew her greatest love would end—desperately hoped it wouldn’t, prayed they could ‘get away with it’—and finally channels her anger and sorrow into this retrospective. She almost accepts it: love dies in the city.

Another reflection on a past relationship is folklore’s only duet; “exile.” This song discusses an inability to communicate, the concept of determined endings (“I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending”), and plenty of ‘hiding in the city’ imagery. This sees one narrator (Swift) faking a relationship (“just your understudy”) to hide her true lover (in this context, Iver). Both agree on various facets that caused fallout (“didn't even hear me out... never learned to read your mind… couldn’t turn things around”) until the final disagreement (“you never gave a warning sign / I gave so many signs”). So while the song is fundamentally about a miscommunication, it is evident that much of the misunderstanding comes from ways of signalling the secret relationship. Presence of the city is acknowledged through lyrics such as “I’m leaving out the side door,” “out here in the hall,” implying that the narrators share an apartment. Nature also gets a brief mention here (“breaking branches”), but this usage explains that the freedom of the narrators is fading, just like their connection to the natural. 

Most do not connect “my tears ricochet” to romantic fallout, but there is no denying that the song hinges around prominent death metaphors. Many metaphors used imply that the narrator has broken up with their lover, but still haunts the hope of what could’ve been. In the line “we gather stones, some to throw, some to make a diamond ring,” a connection to marriage is implied, divorcing the meaning from the loss of Swift’s masters. A crowd of people is repeatedly referenced (the ones in a sunlit room, for instance) and the lover must “save face” in front of them. This external pressure contributes to the greater theme of death of love in the city, which Swift equates to her own death. She describes herself as a recalcitrant ghost (“you know I didn’t want to have to haunt you”) but one her lover must have around (“when you can’t sleep at night, you hear my stolen lullabies”). This song is another one that recognizes Taylor Swift the writer within the lyrics; within this interpretation the “stolen lullabies” are the songs that the ex-lover inspired, work she can no longer look proudly on. While no explicit connections to the city are formed, it is obvious that some external pressure resulted in a damning betrayal, which was painful enough to describe as death. 

The final song in this death theme is “epiphany,” which does not discuss the romantic timeline at all. Instead, “epiphany” is the culmination of two sub-motifs on folklore: water and war. In nature, water gains a passing mention in “seven,” but does not truly become relevant in this organization until “the last great american dynasty.” In “epiphany,” the water reference is “crawling up the beaches now,” which serves to distance it from the overall storyline. The song also deals with the war motif (evident in most of the songs, but “ease your rifle” is very literal) and contrasts soldiers at war to doctors during the pandemic. All of this builds on this section’s burgeoning theme of death. It fits in with the album theme, but does not display obvious modernist or romanticist hallmarks.

the chance (the 1, this is me trying, peace) Opening the album is “the 1,” a frequently disliked song but a very telling one. It is similar to “cardigan” in that it reminisces on a past relationship, but the narrator feigns contentment with her current situation. If all of folklore can be considered a time capsule, “the 1” perhaps describes the headspace of the narrator before they begin reminiscing: convinced they are alright, but not holding up very well. This song involves much city imagery (“I hit the Sunday matinee,” “I thought I saw you at the bus stop”) and deals with the aftermath of many events in the album. It is interesting that this song was one of the last written, as one can imagine the narrator went directly from “it would’ve been fun” to “don’t want no other shade of blue but you” (as described in hoax). The love has died here; but there’s a desperate hope to return (“if one thing had been different, would everything be different”). 

Much like “betty,” “this is me trying” is another last-ditch attempt to save a failed relationship. Both songs find Swift in a doorway, ready to apologize, but “this is me trying” bears the weight of experience and less expectation that they will have a second chance. The increased maturity finds acknowledgement of faults without excuse (“my words shoot to kill when I’m mad / I have a lot of regrets about that”) and an attempt to come to terms with the death of the relationship despite pain. This, of course, breaks apart in the bridge (“all I want is you”) but, as Swift consoles herself, at least she’s trying. Setting-wise, this seems to be in a smaller locale (“the one screen in my town”) which calls to mind the “the only thing we share is this small town” from “Death By A Thousand Cuts.” There is also what appears to be a bar (“pouring my heart out to a stranger / but I didn’t pour the whiskey”) and an influx of people (“it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound”). It is not necessarily the city, but rather a recovery period that does not go well. 

If the painful instruction of “illicit affairs” acts as a foil to 2014’s “How You Get The Girl,” then the anxiety of “peace” complements 2017’s “Delicate.” While “Delicate” expresses the sufferance of an early, undefined relationship (“is it cool that I said all that”), “peace” begs the lover to reconsider the end one last time. As “hoax” makes undoubtedly clear, it wasn’t enough. We see the dangers of outside influence (“I’d sit with you in the trenches”) and the strength of the romance (“the silence that only comes when two people understand each other”). It is a final plea for someone to stay, a list of the success and a fatal acknowledgement of the worst. There is a declaration that sums up much of the album: “all these people think love’s for show / but I would die for you in secret.” As we’ve seen from other songs, it is the secrecy and the hiding that has doomed them. Swift sees this, she briefly suggests a return to the free and safe woods (“give you my wild”) but is ultimately stuck on the question of peace, which she wishes she could give her partner. 

the return (hoax, the lakes) The original album closer, “hoax,” finds Swift leaving a part of herself in the destructive city that has become home. She makes an attempt to return to her home, only to find that it is not the way she’s left it (“my barren land”). With her lover, she has gone through a journey that changed her too much to return to innocence (“I can go anywhere I want, just not home” from “my tears ricochet” contrasted with “you’re not my homeland anymore” from “exile,” where the lover becomes the homeland). She turns to a bleak setting, using sparse lyricism and simple constructs to describe her pain and betrayal. While Lover highlights themes of likening one’s love to a religion, the Swift we see on “hoax” has given up on any sort of healing coming from her romance. All she acknowledges is that the circumstances of her love have “broken her down” and “frozen the ground” (from which she hopes a “red rose” will emerge in “the lakes”). 

In “the lakes,” Swift tries to move forward but still sets her sights on the natural world, citing a deep desire to escape the scrutiny that destroyed her romance completely. This is a call to action for her former lover, a final request for shared freedom that reminds the listener of the lyric “would you run away with me?” from 2017’s “Call It What You Want.” Swift continues to call on aspects of romanticism she’s referenced on reputation and Lover to make her point. It then tracks that she has been inspired by this muse all along, and is finally asking for a return; both to the early romanticism her albums are built on and to her lover’s “homeland.” Her desire for a new home is evident, her conviction that her former lover should join her too great to be overcome.

The response of the muse to this, of course, is unclear. 

#arden speaks #my analysis #taylor swift analysis #this is more than three thousand words #arden's essays

[flying-elliska]

i watched star trek discovery s3 ! thoughts !

- no matter what i always feel pushed to be overall positive about disco because of all the stupid whiny fanboys dunking on it because it’s too *diverse* and I think this season did pretty well in that regard and that it’s just very refreshing to have a cast that is just a lot more realistic re:what humans would look like in that era

- s3....i actually really enjoyed overall ? by going to the future, they’re not so stuck between all the older shows, being a prequel and bringing old characters back etc etc. they can explore new territory. And like. I don’t think they handled a lot of the plots as well as they could have. It had this HUGE potential that i don’t think they really made good on, because this series�� writing is just...i don’t know, a bit wack sometimes, like it was written by lots of different people pulling in a different direction. i see what it’s trying to do in terms of sociological and philosophical storytelling, but it’s often a bit too simplistic. but i just...i love these characters, i thought the season’s set up was so interesting, and it was just so much fun. and like...star trek has always been full of cheese and shortcuts and stories that focused more on emotions. it’s not hard scifi. it’s just not. i would like disco to come through with more philosophical/geopolitical episodes sometimes, but that doesn’t mean it’s ‘not star trek’

- Booker is definitely my favorite new character of the season. He’s just so cool ? Like a charming rogue idealist with an enormous cat named Grudge who travels around space to save endangered species ? that is just so new. i’m so tired of cynical rogues, they’re so overdone. but Booker breaks the rules because he CARES. yes. the empath thing is very sexy. the episode with his brother was so interesting. Booker’s the idealist but he left his people behind, while the brother is doing awful things to keep his people from starving to death, and so both their perspectives are understandable, and i love that they came to an understanding. also his chemistry with Michael is great, even though i wish they had taken more time to show us their developping relationship. but the episode when they met is one of my faves. that episode where he helps the slave workers rebel was !!!!! i hope they give him more to do next season apart from “Michael’s boyfriend” but yeah. he’s great.

- i just loved seeing the crew bond!!! so much! they’ve gone through so much together ! i definitely ship jola now. they’re just so cool. i hope we get to know the others in the bridge crew more but i love the bits we got, about them adapting to these crazy new circumstances, and about ‘growing through change’ ; even though i thought some elements like Detmer’s PTSD were dealt with a little bit too fast. I loved seeing Hugh trying to get everyone some mental support and therapy. I loved Tilly taking charge more and more ; and people recognize that even though she is emotional she’s also unfailingly compassionate and brave and those are qualities you want in a leader. ahhhh

- the new future is very interesting. i was afraid they would go too grimdark with the Federation gone, but...they’ve kept it relatively nuanced so that was interesting. seeing the Vulcans and Romulans reunited was quite incredible, and i loved the bit with the trial. and Michael deciding to back off so she wouldn’t risk their fragile unity. and her admiring the fact that Spock’s life work came to fruition. emotions !!!!!

- Michael’s development is...a joy to see. I love Sonequa’s portrayal of her so much. and she’s so pretty lmao. the writing for her character is still a bit all over the place, though. i don’t feel they explained her big changes of mind enough, and i don’t always understand what they are trying to do with her character, sometimes it’s a bit too much of ‘whatever the plot requires’. the series has a tendency to both make her the one who always saves the day a bit too much and to put too big of a burden on her in ways that feel iffy. But i’m still super happy to have her be captain, finally, and can’t wait to see how she grows into the role.

- I thought the Terra Firma episodes were so interesting ; it was fascinating to see how much Georgiou has changed through her time in the Prime universe. Mirror universe characters redemption arc is a Star Trek classic, after all. I am sad to see her gone from Disco but i feel like her next series could potentially be sooooo interesting. i mean, i know the evil promiscuous bisexual cliché is a bit bad, but Michelle Yeoh is just having SO MUCH FUN in the role i kind of forget about it. it’s a bit like ‘nggggh evil queer lady sexy’ thing. and the guardian of forever !!!

- Adira and Grey...now, i do think it was great to introduce a trans guy and a non-binary person and to make them a couple, totally awesome. i am not entirely convinced by their story though, i don’t feel they had a lot to do past their introduction. and the fact that Grey started the series being dead already...i mean they’re probably bring him back somehow but they have a bit too much of a tendency to kill their queer characters already, it’s an issue for me. i liked Stamets and Culber kind of adopting them that was cute but they didn’t do much this season either. i have to say tho, two gay dads telling a trans kid they will ‘help him be seen’ was like awwwwwwww

- i found the ending...a little bit underwhelming. it’s the opposite of s2, where i found the season pretty meh until the ending which i found kind of incredible. this one...the Emerald Chain was a cool villain, but I don’t feel like it materialized enough. i did think it was interesting to ‘tempt’ the Federation, to see how their principles held up ; but the fact that most of their problems with dilithium seem to be solved by the end of the season is a bit...hm, is that all ? similarly, the revelation that Su’kal was at the core of it all...i found the bits in the stimulations kind of fascinating, the theme of the importance of connection, etc. that said, i was hoping the solution to the Burn to be a bit more...Geopolitical. I just miss Deep Space Nine in that regard, they knew how to do political storylines in a way that felt so deeply grounded and complex. In Disco, problems get solved a bit too easily, and so it just feels like everything has less impact.

But overall, this is probably the season i’m most likely to rewatch for fun. the first two are so gritty, and they have made some really stupid story choices. this one is a lot more like a fun space adventure, and honestly that’s not a bad thing. even though next season I really hope they will put some effort into the worldbuilding. because sometimes it feels a little bit like modern storytelling has dumbed star trek down (i feel the movies are responsible in part, but it’s also like a general thing accross the board)

#star trek #star trek discovery #star trek disco #discovery #stdisco #stdisco spoilers #star trek disco s3

[mylittleredgirl]

trekathon: disco 1x7

“magic to make the sanest man go mad”:

the one and only episode of star trek discovery i could watch on a bus 

because every other episode makes me cry at least once

i don’t know who said “what if we did a time loop disaster episode, but a comedy with beer pong and glowsticks where everyone gets sloppy drunk and makes out a little in between death montages,” but i would like to travel back in time to a pre-covid era and then kiss them on the mouth

give the people what they want:

time loops!

romance!

explosions!

giant space whales! 

harcourt fenton mudd!!!

let’s do the time warp again:

i never in my life thought i would be this nostalgic for plastic cups full of cheap beer in a frat house basement but here we are, in month 95 of quarantine

my inner dr. fauci is losing it. rhys and tilly share a DRINK, keyla is making out with some RANDO, do you know? how many hands?? that ping pong ball touched??? 

we can now divide the crew into “horny drunk” and “not going to attend that party full of horny drunks”

blah blah copyright whatever but can you imagine if the party had the rocky horror picture show theme this episode rightly deserved

mostly for pun purposes, but are you going to tell me that mary wiseman DOESN’T have a magenta costume in her closet ready to go whenever?

at first i was a little weirded out that the crew of the future spaceship discovery were attending the exact same party i did every week in college, but then i realized that’s how my father must have felt when tom paris turned up wearing a 1962 big daddy-o surf special.

the vulcan science directorate:

“a time crystal. we learned about these at the vulcan academy” WELL WELL WELL

elderly admiral archer writing a lengthy memo that could be summed up as “i told you so”

can we take a moment to just appreciate:

michael 🥺

and tyler 😏

they’re just pouring gasoline on the fire of my feelings and I KNOW THEY ARE and i’m LETTING THEM DO IT

i freeze-frame these character moments so you don’t have to:

the “admit you love each other or draw 25” meme for saru and michael

saru stopping michael from attacking mudd to protect her (“please 🥺”) and then grabbing her arm for support when mudd threatens him and then she steps in front of him

rhys drunkenly trying to kiss tilly and her like lol byeeee

her face was right there, that was an honest mistake dude

mudd calls bryce “random communications officer man,” which honestly should have been his name in the credits instead of “comm officer 2”

michael and stamets dancing and they hold hands when the ship blows up and i swear to god, discovery, if you don’t fucking fix this in season 4 i will be so upset i will write LETTERS i will put my tears in an envelope and MAIL THEM

speaking of that scene, stamets describing the meet cute with hugh as basically “shut up and go away” “no ❤️” and now they’re married

i enjoy the ever-loving heck out of captain lorca. “i don’t give a damn” “i still don’t give a damn” like sir, you may be evil and horny for implements of torture, but you crack me up 

other moments of delight:

honestly every single mudd moment was note-perfect. all of the discovery re-casts and the writing for established characters have been brilliant, but mudd is flawless and it makes my heart SING

stella didn’t actually say “harCOURT!!!” like that in this episode but i was thinking it and that’s enough for me

it’s been mentioned before how great the costuming is for stella and the baron and how it’s so in keeping with the technicolor look of classic trek, but i would like to celebrate everything about them. that is what comically opulent space wealth should be like.

all she has to say is “i’m michael burnham *eyebrow*” YEAH YOU ARE!!! 

no wonder sybok had to fuck off to the center of the galaxy to find god, how else is he supposed to get any attention in this family

#trekathon #discotrek #star trek discovery

[superwinkies]

Super Junior:  Dating a Popular Broadway/Musical Actress

//weee back at it again with another headcanon! Hope the anon who requested it liked it! Tell me what you think! Also, i’m including Sungmin in all my writings now! But, it will be him and his wife! Sorry if you’re an OT9 or what! //

Boyfriend Leeteuk would never fail to monitor your performances.

but, it’s not like would comment on your skills or abilities.

it’s the small things like, how you gaze at the cast in some scenes, or like your hand motions when you do some actions.

he won’t criticise but would give you his feedbacks, which you appreciate most of the time.

also, it’s his thing to attend only the last performance. 

“end it with a bang!” he says

and when he does, it’s grand. Him dressing to the nines, biggest flower wreath for you, packed dinner box for all the cast and crew.

however, will always send you an encouraging text each night of your performance.

your relationship with him was not low key at all. it was kinda hard to keep it on the DL at first but you were relieved when you two went official.

You two now go anywhere and everywhere without caring a bit of the cameras and papparazis.

ooh biggest supporter Kim Heechul!!

he would always say, “not bad,”, but then you see him going on his youtube live and showering you with endless compliments.

“I thought you said it was not bad?”

you would then see him smiling shyly scratching the back of his head shyly.

Heechul is a busy man, so it is expected that he would miss your performance often.

but, he always makes it up! Either by sending gifts to the whole cast, or a simple dinner when you come back home.

dates with Heechul are mostly Netflix and Chilling at home. 

both of you being popular sometimes made it hard to go do normal couple things.

you mentioned once that you want to go picnic

lo and behold, Heechul prepared a picnic in his house. Set up fake grass, with a mat and picnic food.

constant harmless bicker but Heechul accommodates to you a lot. He probably would do everything for you

OKAY HE”S SWEET PLEASE!

Boyfriend Yesung would always go to your performances. You told him going once is enough but he insisted that you are too good to only watch once. 

Every performance he goes, he is always bringing different people. He says he wants everyone to see you perform.

Yesterday was his brother, the other day was two of the members and tomorrow will be with his school friends.’

Always a single stalk of rose for you which he will give once he meets you backstage at the end.

as much as your relationship was publicised, Yesung rarely ever posts about you on his social media. 

at first you thought it was because he was ashamed of you, but later you find out he didn’t want you to just be known as “Yesung Girlfriend” or get hate comments. 

also, you two would travel a lot together. If it’s not to a new country, it would be a short drive to the neighbouring city.

you liked that because people don’t swarm the both of you. you have your privacy and it’s usually one or two people who recognise you. 

also, both of you love going to record stores to find some hidden gems. 

a lot of cafe dates! and also museum dates!

for some reason Shindong do not want to publicise the relationship.

he went through it once and he don’t want you to go through the hate or scrutiny especially not when you are the country’s best musical actress.

Shindong is very careful. At first it kind of frustrates you but you slowly got to understand where he is coming from and to be quite honest, you like keeping it low key.

Dates with him are usually evening drives, watching movies in a less crowded theatre or walks at his nearby parks.

But, mostly chilling in his each other house.

No fancy public gestures, no surprise or anything on your performance day.

But, he will attend at least once, at least with his group of friends to not make it obvious. 

Come the end of the performance, you went to his home to relax and wind down.

You entered to his house decorated, with balloons and music and stuff, with CONGRATULATIONS hanging off the wall. 

He took your hands and made you sit.

Shindong would play the video he secretly took of you performing, you practicing in his house. 

You know he feels apologetic.

“I love it,” you would say as you softly caress his cheeks.

shut up our favourite dumpling is married to an actual musical actress!!

so cute okay!! please!!

Sungmin would be the most supportive person ever okay! Making time to see his wife before she starts performing!

Always sending her words of encouragement!

If he can attend, he would in a heartbeat. But when he can’t he would send you a text to ease her nerves!

He would definitely post on his social media about her performances night. 

Going on YT live together, doing fun tiktoks together, featuring on each other channel!

Just cute married couple things okay?

A lot of dates at home because our resident married couple gets tired easily!

Eunhyuk appreciates musical but even more so after dating you.

He admires the effort and hours of practice you do every single day. 

You would say, “babe, it’s the same for you?”

“Nah, I just dance. You belt out all your high notes like you’re talking!”

You would often shake your head and he would always like gently pull your closer using his arms and kiss the top of your head.

Man would attend your first performance, sitting first row. Doesn’t matter if he’s alone or with his members. 

When you would make eye contact with him, he would put out a small wave so as to not distract you. 

Somehow, this always makes you more confident. Like a boost of adrenaline. 

your relationship with him was mostly “accepted” by the general public and his fans. 

in fact, his fans would sometimes do an ad for your performance or even like send your cast and crew gifts.

likewise, your fans would sometimes send a coffee truck to his concert.

Dates with him were more free. Shopping dates, food dates. Basically normal couple dates. 

But, every date must have a slot for the both of you to eat ice cream because both you loves ice cream too much. 

sometimes, you two would go to the park, get a tub of ice cream from a convenience store and people watch as you dig in to your tub. 

Hae is the biggest fool for you to be honest

like everything you do is beautiful to him. Your smile, the way you smile, when you sing, when you focus on your script. 

He just loves everything about you OKAY

your biggest supporter! He would always post your performance on his social medias, telling his fans and followers to go support you!

He just loves tagging you, in the most random meme, edits of the both of you made by yours or his fans.

Donghae would never miss your performance. He goes to any night available if he’s free.

The one time he couldn’t was when the group toured South America.

Facetiming you to send you his words of encouragement and support! He would also ask his brother to send you a flower wreath on his behalf.

Donghae enjoys going out with you. Whether it’s to run errands or exploring new food, or even going to museums. 

His camera roll would be filled with his secret recordings of your perfomances or your candid photos he couldn’t bare to delete.

siwon is your #1 fan without a doubt!

siwon wouldn’t show his support publicly but he motivates you to be the best musical actress you can be.

“what is one challenge yo want to embark as a musical actress?”, he would ask one day randomly.

It took you a while to give him an answer. 

you eventually did

“I want to be at the top of my game. I want to perform at Broadway and have the public acknowledge my hard work”

He looks at you, only amazed and respect.

and that has become your goal since then. you were thankful for siwon for helping you realise your directions.

Siwon would usually attend at least one of your performances because #1 fanboy.

When he couldn’t he would make sure he calls you and cheers you on.

Siwon loves going on dates with you.

Sometimes, it’s exciting dates like a theme park or disco roller skating. Other times, it’s cultural appreciation dates. Occasionally, quiet chill dates at each other’s houses with books of your choice and coffee.

definitely each other support system! 

somehow, loves taking selfies with you!

“for memories,” he would always say. 

being an established musical actor himself, Ryeowook would always ask you to monitor him. 

More so than he monitors you.

Ryeowook would want like one feedback from you after each performance you attended.

It’s always things like “maybe you can vibrate your notes at the end?”, “keep your hand motion smooth?”

He takes your feedback seriously and he respects you. 

Wook also likes the fact that he don’t have to keep his relationship private.

Would also attend your performances and like standing ovation each time, even if he is doing it alone.

But, he does keep it low key. Only ever mentioning you vaguely in his vlogs.

with him, it never felt like you are dating a celebrity. likewise for wook. And he absolutely loved that feeling.

It makes going out with you easier. 

He absolutely loves going on walks with you. You were sure you went to more parks than you ever did your entire life. 

Dates with him are mostly at Incheon because he likes to show you the places he grew up in. 

You absolutely love going on coffee runs with him. You enjoy just grabbing coffee and sitting with him as you talk about your lives. 

in private, both of you love drinking. It’s like a thing for the both of you if both of you do not have schedule. 

also, a private duet when you are your house. Him playing the piano and harmonising as you sing.

power couple OKAY?!?!

Top musical actress and idol turned musical actor was sure to get people talking. 

it did!

but it was a lot of positive reactions and endless support.

so much so that the public and fans wants the both of you to star in one musical together. 

when it happened, tickets were immediately sold out. They had to extend more slots. 

Ads and news of the two of you were everywhere!!

Both your fans were always sending gifts to the cast and crew, and there were always endless flower wreaths on your performing nights. 

Despite the blow up in support, Kyuhyun and you were still wary. You realised that one wrong move could backfire the two of you and the support you two have been receiving. 

wary or not, the two of you still go on dates, sometimes public sometimes private. Mostly private. 

You like going on escape room dates or the movies or finding the best tteokbokki with him, but you also like cooking said tteokbokki and eating with him at the comfort of your own homes. 

#super junior #super junior scenarios #super junior reactions #super junior drabbles #super junior headcanon #leeteuk scenarios #kim heechul scenarios #yesung #shindong #lee donghae scenarios #eunhyuk scenarios #choi siwon #kim ryeowook #cho kyuhyun #suju request #suju scenarios #suju reactions #suju imagines

[gracekelsen]

Her face was pale, bloodless.

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[glenngaylord]

OUTFEST 2020 FILM REVIEWS:  The Rest Of The Fest

As the curtain closes on another Outfest, this one presented under extremely unusual circumstances, I sit in awe of the filmmakers and of the staff who put together not only a great group of films, but managed to creatively bring them to its audience online and at drive-in screenings.  Typically, you find yourself having to choose one film over several others, but with this new format, you have a great chance of seeing everything you want.  In past years, I found myself lucky if I saw 15 films.  This year I saw 23 features and 4 shorts programs out of the 160 on the schedule.  

As it’s impossible to get full reviews submitted for everything while the festival is still chugging along, I wanted to write capsules of the remaining films not covered at TheQueerReview.com .  Please visit the website for all the other reviews I wrote as well as those by my colleagues.

THE OBITUARY OF TUNDE JOHNSON ★★★★★

Melding a Groundhog Day-style concept with police violence against black people, this stunning film could not be more prescient and emotionally overpowering.  A black gay teenager relives his moment of murder over and over again, with slight shifts in the narrative taking us to someplace unexpected and earned.  Director Ali LeRoi directs his first feature as if he’s been doing it all of his life and has interpreted Stanley Kalu’s ingenious script with a great cinematic approach.  Gorgeously framed, beautifully acted, written, and directed, this is one of the most powerful films of 2020.

TWO EYES ★★★★★

I can’t form sentences here so I’m gonna vomit out words:  Instant classic. Glorious. Set over three centuries seamlessly melding a triptych of stories about gender identity.  I’m a blubbering mess.  Fantastic and very funny last line.  Travis Fine is a very gifted filmmaker who screams love child of Terrence Malick and Kelly Reichardt.  Heartbreaking. Inspiring. Unforgettable.  Montana is so beautiful.  Barstow is not.  A perfect film for anyone who wants to find their place in the world. I wouldn’t complain if TUNDE and TWO EYES both received Best Picture Oscar nominations.  

DRAMARAMA  ★★★★

Theater nerds rule in this incredibly endearing, early 90s set film about a group of high schoolers discovering themselves in one night at a ridiculous Murder Mystery-themed party.  Hilarious script, vivid and wonderful performances, and the opposite of a “Coming Out” movie in the best possible way.  Jonathan Wysocki has given us The Breakfast Club for air-kissing, mid-Atlantic accented freaks and geeks. 

CICADA ★★★★

What happens when a traumatized, bisexual man who has more sex partners than any standard montage can contain slows things down to concentrate on one kind but also traumatized young man?  This elliptically told film has a fun, flirty side but carries its heaviness with great ease.  A terrific feature debut for director/writer/editor/lead actor Matthew Fifer. 

THE STRONG ONES (LOS FUERTES) ★★★★

From Chile comes this sexy, moving story of two men at cross purposes who form a beautiful bond.  Set against some stunning scenery and mining the chemistry between its two leads for everything it has, I am half-jokingly calling it Brokeback Andes.  It’s so much more than that trite, hackneyed comparison.  

MONSOON ★★★1/2

Director Hong Khaou’s followup to Lilting sets its sights on modern day Vietnam as Henry Golding’s character visits to find a suitable place to distribute his mother’s ashes.  It’s a terrific mediation on a gay man finding a sense of belonging in a place he’s never been and Golding proves himself to be a subtle, compelling actor.  Perhaps a little too quiet and reflective, the film makes up for what it lacks in narrative drive with its awe-inspiring cinematography and immersive qualities.  

P.S. BURN THIS LETTER PLEASE ★★★★1/2

What an unexpected surprise.  Michael Seligman and Jennifer  Tiexiera’s documentary about a treasure trove of letters dating back to the 1950s brings us into the world of drag queens from almost 70 years ago.  With many of its subjects not only alive but in fine form telling their stories and the dishiest voiceover readings ever to grace a film, I was not only thoroughly entertained, but I didn’t expect to weep like Laura Dern at the end.  Oh, this is so so so so good. 

MINYAN ★★★★

Eric Steel’s feature debut has its own unique tone and a star making performance by Samuel H. Levine, a spitting image of a young Al Pacino/Sylvester Stallone hybrid.  With its 1980s Jewish Brighton Beach backdrop, this powerful yet subtle film about a young man coming to terms with his sexuality as well as his place within his religion, it’s a stunning debut.  Ron Rifkin is stellar as Levine’s charming grandfather and Alex Hurt (William Hurt’s son) has his father’s intensity.  Fantastic, lived-in production design which feels like its decade without resorting to the usual candy colored tropes and a evocative score makes this a memorable experience.  Reminiscent at times of On The Waterfront, this film puts a fresh new spin on a coming of age tale and finds so many moving moments from first sex to an elderly gay couple hiding in plain sight.  A must-see. 

SHIVA BABY ★★★★

Writer/Director Emma Seligman must have studied Rosemary’s Baby quite a bit with this angsty story set mostly at a memorial service.  Rachel Sennott is fantastic as a young lesbian who moves from one cringe-worthy moment to the next in an attempt to avoid as much conflict as possible.  The great supporting cast includes Polly Draper, Fred Melamed, Dianna Agron, Molly Gordon, and Jackie Hoffman, all note perfect.  Less a comedy and more of an emotional horror story, Seligman knows how to make the best of a cramped space and throw up an endless variety of obstacles.  You just want Sennott’s Danielle to get her goddamned bagel with lox and cream cheese, but the fates have something else, something better, in store. 

COWBOYS ★★★★

Steve Zahn gives a career best performance in this moving story of a father with mental health issues and his trans son escaping into the Montana wilderness.  Sasha Knight makes an impressive debut as Zahn’s son and Jillian Bell expertly walks that fine line between villain and empathetic character.  Its comparisons to Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid are not coincidental.  Not perfect by any stretch, it may feel fairly conventional, but it’s tackling a vibrant subject matter.  Extra points for giving Ann Dowd a role where we don’t hiss at her. 

BREAKING FAST ★★★

Solid romcom with a Muslim backdrop, this very tight, deceptively simple script provides just the right amount of sparks between its charming leads, Haaz Sleiman and Michael Cassidy.  While structurally not breaking new ground, the entry point into a world we don’t see enough of on screen coupled with food porn for days makes this a fun, funny, goes down easy delight.

ASK ANY BUDDY ★★★1/2

Q: Daddy!  Daddy!  What were the 70s like down at the Piers in NYC?   A: Oh shut up and watch this movie.  

An experimental collage of vintage gay porn and archival footage from the disco, pre-AIDS heyday gives this film a mesmerizing, museum installation quality.  While technically without a story, you feel like you’ve gone on a journey nonetheless.  Would pair well with William Friedkin’s Cruising. 

DRY WIND ★★★1/2

Slow cinema meets voyeuristic gay porn in this one of a kind Brazilian exploration an arid small town, a workers’ union crisis, and a man obsessed with the Tom Of Finland drawing come to life who motors into his life.  Overlong and a little too obtuse as it goes along, it’s worth watching this Alice In Wonderland takes a quaalude, gets a very hairy back, and has a lot of sex in the dirt. 

NO HARD FEELINGS ★★★★

This year’s Teddy Award Winner at the Berlin Film Festival, Faraz Shariat’s film uses its backdrop of a refugee camp in Germany to tell the story of Iranians and Irani-Germans searching for a better life.  Its three leads bring a spark and youthful energy to a story with devastating undercurrents.  A wrenching glimpse into the emotional effects an oppressive culture has on its people, yet told with a driving pulse. 

LILY TOMLIN: THE FILM BEHIND THE SHOW ★★★

A look behind the scenes as Lily Tomlin and wife Jane Wagner workshop their legendary 1980s Broadway show, The Search For Signs Of Intelligent Life In The Universe.  It’s great to see these two at the top of their game and get a glimpse of their creative process, but this documentary is almost devoid of incident and feels more like a sweet gift to the fans than a fully realized film. 

SHORTS: WHAT A BOY NEEDS ★★★1/2

A mixed bag here of people searching for excitement, I found a couple of gems here nonetheless.  Not to take away from the shorts I don’t mention, I want to single out two exceptional films. Ruben Navarro’s Of Hearts And Castles looks great, has a beautiful vibe, and shows us a lovely connection forming right before our eyes.  Kiko’s Saints proves highly original as we follow a female Japanese artist on assignment in France become obsessed with a gay couple who have a lot of sex on the beach.  Combining animation with fairly explicit sex, I loved seeing the male gaze from a female perspective. 

THE CAPOTE TAPES ★★1/2

I love Truman Capote. I grew up at a time when smart authors found themselves on talk shows and were treated like superstars.  I’ve read his books and always have been in awe of his ability to be himself.  Featuring never-before-heard tapes of Capote’s friends being interviewed by George Plimpton, unfortunately, I don’t think this repetitive documentary gave me anything all that new.  It’s still touching at times and for the uninitiated, this is a great overview of his life, but I was watching the clock. 

OUT LOUD ★★★1/2

A moving look at the Trans Chorus of Los Angeles as they prepare for their first public performance.  With its ticking clock storyline, director Gail Willumsen expertly interweaves storylines of its founder and members.  As such, you really learn what’s a stake and what it means to them.  I was lucky enough to see the chorus perform David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust a few years ago and basked in the power of its mere existence…and was also ridiculously entertained. 

TWILIGHT’S KISS (SUK SUK)  ★★★1/2

This quiet charmer form Hong Kong shows us something we almost never get to see on film - two elderly gay men meeting and falling in love.  The fact that both have been married to women doesn’t stop them from exploring their feelings.  A little to gentle by half, I still was in awe of this rarity.

[neocity-sarai]

Under the Lights

۞ mark lee x reader (based on my fic “fight for you”) 

۞ alerts: kissing, spicy dancing, language, angst (thank you for 200 followers. that’s just a number that doesn’t amount to how much true support I have received. seriously, thank you!)

۞  inspired by this lovely edit made by @/kpopmood on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZV4rvsaB0hE&t=12s (please go check out the creator’s videos!) 

It’s funny how the night time used to be your favorite part of the day. It’s the way the moon would shine, casting it’s light on the rippled puddles in these streets, colors would bounce off the artificial rainfall and on all the glowing city sign boards. That was how it was. Walking through the city would make your heart swell with excitement- how everything was immersed in a pool of technicolor, eyes bright with adventure. That’s because he was there. Mark. Mark Lee. The boy who saved you from some homeless man that was trying to hit on you. He looked so noble then, doe eyes gazing at you, lips curled into a smile. It always replays in your mind, the memory of the way your cheek feels on Mark’s shoulder. The way that his warm, soft lips feel on yours as people bustle along the city streets below you. The way he’d play his guitar and his singing voice as you drifted off to sleep. Every time the night overtakes the sun, he’s all the runs in your mind. It’s like a cycle that never really ends even when you’re awake and doing something else. Now, you’re all alone again. That night that Mark died. His crimson blood stained on your hands. It never really washes off. You spent months blaming yourself, blaming yourself for the loss of the one person you never wanted to lose. Foolishly, you thought you could fix it. Kynigos had inputted a function into everyone’s headsets that you could leap into different time periods, view memories, and create an all encapsulating virtual environment all stemmed from your mind. That’s what you used to get to know Mark better, seeing the inside of his life. It’s what made you fall in love with him, this innocent, handsome dork.

[months earlier]

Are you sure about this?

You laugh, “I want to dance, silly!”

You waste no time, grabbing Mark’s hand. It was Haechan’s birthday, Mark’s best friend. Of course, you had met Mark’s other friends in the meantime too. Haechan, Jeno, and Jaemin were already wasted drunk in the bar that you were at and downing several shots of liquor didn’t help your case either. The bar was a wide space, strobe lights of violets, indigos, and red beat to the pump of the music as virtual dancers twirled their ribbons in light cages. Other strangers gathered around the bar, clamoring to dance and to drink. Normally, you’d never go to a place like this but somehow, Haechan had convinced you to have fun with the group anyway. You couldn’t say no. 

You were dressed in a pretty outfit, makeup to match the sequins of the giant disco ball, and it makes Mark gulp nervously every time you would brush arms. He was dressed in a nice satin shirt and some jeans, complete with his favorite pair of dress shoes. Mark doesn’t budge when you try to pull him to the dance floor, staring down at your hand clamped over his. You turn back at him, “Is everything okay?”

Mark nods almost too violently, “Yeah! I’m just- surprised is all.”

You have to shout over the bass that shakes the floor and makes the tiles glow a million colors, “Surprised over what?!”

Mark shakes his head, “I don’t know how to dance well!”

You slap him in the back, “It’s fine, come on!”

By the time you squeeze your way through all the people, you try to pay no mind to the girls who are dancing on their dates or the drunkards who are dancing alone. You start to move your body, rolling and moving your hips to beat of the song innocently. Mark stands still, watching you as he moves shyly, trying to wiggle to the beat too. Others may laugh but you think he has his own charm. He laughs along with you, fingers covering his eyes because of how embarrassed he is. With the alcohol that runs in your veins, you stop moving, pulling him closer, “Just relax, Mark.”

He stops too, eyes widened from your proximity, “I-okay.”

You put your arms around Mark’s neck and you notice how he bites his red lip, eyes fluttering everywhere, “Can I, uh-”

You take it upon yourself to guide his clammy hands onto your hips, his touch surges electricity down your spine but try hard not to show it. Finally, you feel Mark relax next to you as he lets out a sigh when he rests his forehead against yours. You chuckle, moving together in syncopation, “See, you got it.”

Mark smiles, eyebrows raised, “Only because you’re leading.”

Then, your friends find you both in the middle of the extremely crowded, sweaty dance floor and you can tell because of Haechan’s drunk yells and Jaemin’s curses when he can’t stand up straight. The lights fade from a multitude of colors to a stark violet shade, the song switching tempos to a slower, more sensual beat. It sparks heat on your body, fingers craving for wild touches and the boy who’s in front of you. Being Mark, he panics a little, caught off guard by the sudden change in atmosphere. Because he lets go of you, you can’t but feel disappointment. Jeno, drunk off strawberry smirnoff and lime margaritas swings you around to him, “Come on, y/n! Dance with me!”

You laugh, tripping over your own heels. Still, you jump up and down with Jeno and the rest of the boys, riding the beat along with them as people begin to dance on top of you. Everything is blurry and it feels like you’re losing yourself into blinding light, your hair sticking to your skin from how hot it is. You let the music run through you, wracking through your body. You almost don’t realize that Mark is standing by you all as he watches you, Jeno, and Renjun. Mark looks away, fists curled into his palms. His lips are slightly pouted, his perfectly styled hair becoming more messy. So, you tread back to him, pushing past all the girls who glare at you for interrupting their energies, but you don’t care. 

“Is everything okay? We can get out of here if you want-”

Mark stares at you, wasting no time to pull you flushed against his chest, his hand protectively flat against the small of your back, “Why are you dancing with him when you were dancing with me?”

You realize that Mark’s tone is deeper than before, his shy attitude abandoned before you can respond to his command, “We just kind of got caught in the moment, I’m really sor-”

Mark’s lips barely brush past your ear, he growls a little, “Be close to me, y/n. I want you right here.”

You’re startled by Mark’s sudden shift in attitude, it makes you shiver from the thought. 

“Okay.”

So you both let yourselves go. You dance with Mark, letting him twirl you under the lights and you swing your hips against him, not actually having danced with anyone like this before. Mark groans from your body against his, his fingers curled tight on your hips. The bass shakes your bodies, rumbling through the atmosphere like earthquakes and even though your feet are numb, you still keep going. Then, Mark spins you around so you’re facing him, “Let’s go.”

Before you can reply, he’s whisking you out of the bar and out of the virtual portkey at the entrance. Suddenly, you’re back on Everlane street which is the street where you and Mark had first met. Outside, the night sky is covered with a net of swirling stars and cars zoom across the sky overhead. Robots advertise menus for the cafes and restaurants that line the sidewalk, romantics happening on every corner. The breeze in the night smells sweet, bringing back the flood of memories. Mark begins to lead you into the double doors of his 3 story apartment, reaching in his jean pocket for his keys. You follow him up the stairs, entering the living room that is familiar to you. The apartment feels like Mark. It’s a studio apartment, the furniture beiges and whites, the carpets a light grey. Just as Mark throws his keys onto the counter, he grabs you by the shoulders, his hands warm on your skin, “I’m sorry if I acted weird back there. I was just looking forward to dancing with you and drunk ass Jeno swept you away…”

Mark’s eyes are sad, his lips pouted as you bring your hand to the curve of his cheek, “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”

Mark jokingly frowns, “I think I would’ve gone crazy if they touched you.”

You laugh, “I love you. Nobody else, okay?”

Then Mark presses his forehead against yours, his arms wrapping around the waist of your dress where you ribbon belt is tied before smashing his lips against yours. You stumble back on your heels, your back and Mark’s hands against the rim of the counter like he’s trapping you in. You run your hand through Mark’s silver hair, drunk off the cologne that he wears. Mark bites down on your lip, making you groan. You mumble on his lips, “You’re not upset right?”

Mark chuckles, running his hand along your thigh and moving down to press kisses to your neck, “What if I said that I was?”

You tug on Mark’s hair, you’re absolutely breathless, “You shouldn’t be. There’s no reason to.”

Mark pulls your ribboned belt, letting it fall to the floor on a pile, “Shouldn’t you prove it to me then?”

Mark goes back to kissing your lips and you mumble, “How should I do that?”

And expecting him to take things further, Mark reaches behind you for something in his coin bowl that’s shaped like a watermelon slice. You pull away from his lips, staring at the pair of keys he has in his hand. Mark jangles them, “Y/n, would you like to move in with me?”

You eye him with shock, “Wait- did you just- wait, for real?”

Mark nods, “I’ve been wanting to ask you for a while now, just didn’t know when.”

“So you’re asking now?!”

Mark smiles a toothy grin, threatening to burst into laughter, “Yes?”

You smile into your hands, “I’d love to.”

Launching yourself into Mark’s arms, he catches you, kissing you with fervor once more. 

[current time]

Tomorrow, you had a mission. Ever since Mark’s been gone, you and the boys have been working to clear levels and gain more skills. You swore to yourself that even though you couldn’t bring Mark back, you didn’t want men like Mr. C going around killing people. Everyone calls them the Underground, a mafia-like organization that tries to take advantage of the Kynigos system and force kids to do their dirty work so they don’t get caught. They rob people of their points, their skills so that they can become more powerful. They don’t have morals and they don’t care either. So, you and the rest of the boys formed the Right Compass, an organization of hyper-intelligent headset users to combat the Underground. Renjun and Jaemin are in charge of the tech, Chenle and Jisung are in charge of outreach and recruitment, and you and Jeno are the honorary agents. Besides Mark, you trusted the boys more than anyone else. After Mark’s passing, it brought you closer together-- forming the Right Compass in Mark’s name. 

Your mission was that the government had sent an infiltrator spy to scout the Underground levels, to crack down where the heart of the organization is. No one knows and that’s why you and the boys have been tracking leads since you first knew about it. There’s some sightings, maybe a cloudy witness here and there but nothing definite. Your mission was to find the undercover spy and convince them to do a covert operation with the Right Compass. You wanted them to see how strong you were as a united front and how many members had solved crimes, big or small. You and Jeno had packed light. You had dressed in all black so that you could blend into the shadows, your beam-powered guns strapped to your holster. 

Jeno nods at you, his glass-lenses sitting on the bridge of his nose as he coats them with invisibility spray. You do the same, it makes you both less noticeable. You nod, hopping up on your hoverboard as Jeno does the same, shooting up into the sky. You ride your board over the city, the lights glowing under you as people who walk the streets look like tiny ants from your view. Jeno goes first, his tall figure blasting into an emerald portal that opens up in the middle of the sky. You follow him, being swallowed by green light as you’re both transported to the Underground levels. Everything looks starkly different in the Underground. It’s like a black hole, the streets are covered in grime and trash, alleyways shrouded in secrets. Everyone’s cloaked as they walk along the bars that are locked with passwords and gambling shacks, dog fights happen on every corner. You’re reminded of why people don’t come here, at least good people don’t. Jeno motions you over, pointing at a ledge on a roof, “Land over there, turn on shadow mode.”

You do as he says, your body disappearing into the dark sky that’s as black as charcoal, no stars glow overhead. When you and Jeno land, you scoff, “It’s filthy here, why would people want to live in a place like this?”

Jeno presses a button on his hoverboard that makes it condense into a cube like a transformer as he shoves it in his pocket, “It’s the Underground. People don’t come here for fun, y/n. Well they do, just not the good kind.”

You nod, “Where’s the lead this time?”

Jeno opens his map on his wristwatch that Renjun built for him, the map appearing as a scan of the entire area. “Well, for starters after tracking the government’s traces, there’s been a link at this bar. There’s someone in there who can help us to find the undercover agent.”

“Let’s go then.”

Climbing down from the ledge, you and Jeno disguise yourselves with outfits that make it seem you belong, tattoos cover Jeno’s arms and you tease him at how it suits him. He smiles, pulling you close to him as you both make your way to a dark sector of alleyways. You pull the rim of your hat down, careful to not show your face. You can’t risk being caught, or even worse, killed. As you pass, burly men who smell of cigars eye you with contempt. Women who have several layers of makeup and ripped outfits glare at you but stare atJeno with hungry eyes and it makes you intertwine your fingers with his. There’s a tone of surprise in his low voice, “Everything alright?”

You nod, keeping your head down, “Just fine. Just blending in.”

You try to ignore the rapid beating in your heart. Half because it’s Jeno and the other half being you haven’t forgotten about Mark and it makes you feel guilty. 

You finally stop at the entrance of the bar, the stench of smoke and vodka making your eyes burn. A blue dial pad appears on the door, the number turning. Surprisingly, Jeno enters a code with nimble fingers, the lock becoming undone right in front of you. Jeno turns back to you, “Don’t drink anything and don’t talk to anyone. I’ll handle the talking. If anything happens, you run and get to the portal okay?”

You find yourself wanting to argue back but now isn’t the time. All you can do is agree. When you enter the establishment, it’s everything you expect it to be. Big men drink at the barstools, women play pool as they sip their beers, and the bar is decorated with oriental decorations. A woman struts in front of you, walking like a feline as she runs her long nails against the skin of Jeno’s bare arms and it makes you grimace. He smiles with his eyes, adjusting his black turtleneck up to his nose. You think he looks like an undercover ninja rather than an agent. Jeno walks towards a red velvet curtain by the side, pulling it to reveal people making love to each other on the velvet booths and you can’t feel any more uncomfortable. Jeno doesn’t really have an expression. He walks to the clerk booth, speaking to an asian woman who’s applying eyeliner on her lids.

“Are you Misty Kinazawa? We’re looking for Ghostboy.” 

The woman doesn’t answer. She wears a red oriental dress, jewels hang off her bun as she annoyingly chews her gum with a smack. You and Jeno look at each other in confusion, growing impatient. Finally, she sets her mirror down in irritation, “I don’t go by Misty anymore. It’s Rae now. And who are you?”

Jeno looks around before tugging down the edge of his sleeve to show her the compass tattoo on his wrist, “Right Compass. We spoke on the phone.”

Rae cackles, “Ah right- those kids who promised to pay me right? Ghostboy’s probably here somewhere, check in the back room.”

Jeno pulls out a wad of cash from his jacket pocket, “Thanks Rae. Have a nice night.”

Rae scoffs, counting the bills as she cocks her head in the direction of the back room. You and Jeno pass by the sex club and you swear that you would have torn your eyes out if youweren’t on a mission. Entering the back room, Jeno sweeps away a suede emerald curtain and what you find behind it is insane. The entryway opens up into a humongous warehouse room, submerged underwater. It’s a huge floating cube of water, filled with a large crowd of club-goers. It reminds you of that night, that night when Mark had pulled you close. Jeno rubs his temples, “How the fuck are we going to find an undercover agent in this crowd?”

“Let’s split up, cover more ground. Meet back up here?”

Jeno looks at you with concern, “Are you sure?”

“Yeah- have more faith in me. I can take care of myself.”

Jeno nods, “Okay. Meet back here right after. We’re tagged so just ping my location on your wristwatch and I’ll come find you.” 

You both enter the cube, the music transitioning from muffles to blaring electronic sounds, sweaty bodies crashing into you like a vortex. Jeno heads left so you head right. You remember looking at Ghostboy’s file, he’s supposed to be wearing a gold armband. His frame is medium height, yet you don’t know what his face looks like. Jeno’s right, it’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. You start by weaving through the bodies, girls falling into you from being too drunk. Even though everything is underwater, you find that you can still breathe. Must be why a virtual world is most desirable, technology can do everything.

People get in your way, boys hooting and hollering at you, trying to rip off your cloak. You swat them away, trading through the ocean of bodies. The music makes your head hurt, the air becoming suffocating to you. The smell of various drugs permeates, making you want to vomit. Still, you keep going. You look for the gold armband in a blur of blue, keeping your hand on your gun under your coat. You hear Jeno’s voice through your headset, “I can’t find him! Any luck on your side?” 

You scream into your voice function, “No! I can’t! It’s too loud and there’s too many people!”

Before you turn away, you see someone. There’s someone who stands a few feet away from you,  shrouded in a white outfit but a mask for a face. They call it a virtual glamour, to disguise the real person’s face. From the looks of it, the person- male it looks like he’s staring right at you. You scream at Jeno, “Wait- there’s someone! I’m following them!”

“Wait for me!”

You hang up on Jeno, pinging him your location as you make your way to the person. They turn tail and run and you leap over drunk people who have crashed to the ground as you try not to lose them. Finally, you chase the person through a series of tapestries until you reach the back exit. Shoving the door open, you enter back onto the street, glancing around for the mysterious vigilante. 

Then, in an instant, the white clothed figure points a gun at you, “Who the hell are you?”

It happens like oil being added to fire, exploding your heart into a million rapid beats, making your knees grow weak. That voice. That voice. You hold your hands up, turning to face them, trying to see through the glamor. Like a glitch, the glamor flickers in and out and it takes your breath away.

 The face that you see is identical to Mark’s.

“I asked, who are you?”

You fall to the ground weakly, your hand curling in the dirt, “How is this possible- there’s no way- no, I saw you die that night! this isn’t real!

”You start to wail, “Mark! It’s me! Y/n!”

Mark raises his eyebrow in fury, “Who?! How do you know my name?! Where are you from?!”

He doesn’t recognize you. Is it really him? But he looks exactly the same. His eyes, his lips, his cheeks. His frame. It’s all the same. 

You point your gun at him, starting to sob, “Mark- please! It’s me!”

In an instant, Jeno yanks open the door, his hand flying to his gun the moment he sees you and a boy pointing handguns at each other. You scream, “Jeno, don’t shoot!”

Jeno puts his gun up, making his way to you by putting a protective stance in front of you. But that’s when it dawns on him, who is he staring at? The face of his brother, his best friend, his comrade on the streets from childhood. Jeno screams at him, his ears burning red from the cold, “Who are you?! Why are you using Mark’s face as a glamor! Show yourself impostor!”

Mark knits his eyebrows together, unclipping his white cloak, revealing a cyber-kinetic arm that’s sparking with electricity and tiny wires. The gears in it churn with gold ropes, the circle on Mark’s palm glowing red, “I don’t know who you people are, but tonight will be your last night alive!”

Just when Jeno is about to pull the trigger, you shove him, the bullet ricocheting off the ground. You launch your whole body in front of Mark, even though you’re tripping over yourself and with your whole heart you shove your necklace in his face. It’s a portrait of you and Mark from back then, a gift from Mark for your birthday. 

Tears are streaming down your face and you swear that your heart is going to burst from how fast it’s going, “Please! Just listen to us, please. I need you to see.”

You grip the chain of the necklace, watching his expression fade from anger to confusion. He runs the pad of his thumb on the picture, “It seems that this is me. But how-”

You shake your head wildly, “I don’t know. But don’t you get it? you used to know us! You used to know me!”

Mark shakes his head, “This is impossible, I work for an organization. I always have. I’m a machine! I would have never crossed paths with you.”

You look back at Jeno, and you see him shake. He treads slowly towards you, “Don’t you want to find out? You have two options. You can kill us now or find out what happened. We’re your only lead.”

Mark lowers his arm, the fire in his palm dimming, “I don’t wish to find out because I assume what you’re saying is some made up scenario. I suggest we don’t run into each other in the future. I won’t be so merciful.”

Like that, Mark swings his white cape on, hiding his face under his hood. He types in a code that appears in front of him, a white motorcycle appearing in its place. Hopping on, he speeds way down the street, leaving you and Jeno alone in the musty night. Tears stain your cheeks, “I have to go after him, Jeno. I don’t expect you to follow me.”

Jeno stands next to you, putting an arm around your shoulder, “We. We’re going after him. We have to.” 

You and Jeno hop back on your hoverboards, disappearing into the dark. 

#neowritingsnet #cznnet #dreamwritersnet #nct-writers #nct au #nct fic #nct aus #nct fics #nct dream #nct mark #nct #nct fluff #nct angst #nct dream angst #nct mark fics #mark x reader #nct mark fic #nct mark fluff #nct mark angst #mark lee #nct mark blurbs #nct blurbs #nct suggestive #nct mark au #nct timestamps #nct mark timestamps #nct mark scenarios #nct scenarios #nct dream scenarios #nct x reader

[1dffchallenges]

I Hear A Rhapsody

Written By: @sunsetter96​

Characters: Anne/Niall

Summary: Anne is a struggling actress trying to advance her career in Los Angeles while making ends meet financially. When she meets Niall, he introduces her to his love and world of music, but they struggle to create a balance between their relationship and their desire for success.

Author’s Note: This is the first chapter to the first story I am writing. Please let me know what you think :)

Warnings: alcohol

2014 — 

It was June, and I'd never felt anything like it before.

Weeks before, I had been driving to an audition for a role in a movie my friend had told me about just a few days prior, and I was in my car, in the middle of possibly the worst Los Angeles traffic I'd ever experienced.

"Please don't tell me it's true," I said to my phone. "Please don't let this be real," I continued, practicing my lines over and over again into the receiver, speaking as if there really was someone else on the line, as if there really was someone there to connect with.

I hadn't had much time to practice in the past few days, only because I'd been so busy with moving into my new apartment. There was that, — and then there was having to start work at the new bookstore location. They had made me acting manager for the first few weeks. I had a long list of things that I had to do in order to help set up the new location, and I think the worst part of it was accounting and payroll. I'm just terrible with numbers.

"Fuck," I said, realizing I had come to a stop in the middle of traffic while rehearsing my lines. Cars were honking like crazy, as if that would somehow make the line move faster, and the man in the car behind me was going wild over the fact that I had come to a stop. I guess it was my fault for being distracted, but at the same time, those 20 feet that were between me and the next car really couldn't have saved us even a marginal length of time with the amount of traffic there was.

When there was enough of a gap to cut through the left lane, he merged and cut me off aggressively before pulling off at the next exit after a few minutes. I was so fucking late, and this guy was pissing me off. 

I got there just minutes before my audition time and almost ran to the door of the building. I think my audition was one of the last ones of the day, so I was lucky they'd even let me in to go through with it. But I went in and made my audition, albeit without enough time to mentally prepare beforehand.

It went well enough, but I could sense right away that I wouldn't be getting a call back from them. I guess it's true that I didn't fit the role as well as I could have. The listing had called for a girl between ages 18-24, for a supporting role in a movie about a group of girls that went to summer camp and did all of that teen stuff, like fall in love and drink and smoke. I did look like a teen, but I suppose I was already on the back end of that age range considering I was 23. I also didn't look like many of the girls that were there for the audition, too — blonde, tan, and skinny — and maybe that's what they were looking for. I was a thin person but not nearly as skinny and fit as some of the girls there, and I had brown hair and brown eyes.

I guess it didn't matter, because I'd find a role that would suit me eventually. At least I hoped so.

*

Later that day I came home feeling like shit, and I didn't even feel like eating or working out. Thankfully I had the day off the next day, so I just laid in bed looking at social media and watched Netflix until I fell asleep.

My roommate woke me up the next day with the sound of her using the blender. I turned around in bed and saw the time. 7:00 a.m. It was too early for this, but I figured it would be worse for me to be depressed and lay in bed all day.

"Cecilia?" I called out after coming out of the bathroom. "Why are you using the blender so early?"

"Sorry dude," she responded. "I'm going out for a run at 8:00, but I wanted to eat something light beforehand, so I made myself a smoothie."

"Oh, that sounds good," I told her. A run actually sounded good despite my tiredness. "Can I come with?"

"Sure," she said. "Let me make you a smoothie, too."

I went back to my room and washed my face and teeth before putting on some workout clothes. Cecilia had made me an icy blueberry smoothie with greek yogurt, and it was absolutely delicious. I think I've always been in love with liquid food (like smoothies or margaritas), because they're so easy. I have a sensitive stomach, but somehow her smoothies have always soothed me, physically and emotionally. 

Maybe I'm just a little bit intense, but I think that's also what drove me to want to act. All of the things that I feel — that emotion and the intensity I seek with others and in simple, everyday tasks — that's what engrosses each line that I act and every character I play. And I hoped in that moment that I could transfer that intense energy to my acting, and maybe one day be recognized for it.

Cecilia and I drank our smoothies and talked about our plans for next weekend. We had been invited to 70s themed party where there would be a live band and an open bar. It was pretty exciting, especially for her, because the guy she had been sort of dating invited her to come and bring a friend.

"His name is Louis," she smiled. "He's a producer, and his company has themed parties sometimes, kind of to help artists network and to celebrate a new release."

"Oh, I see," I said. "Well, I'm just happy that you're enjoying yourself with him. Let's see how this party goes. I'm so excited to get our outfits together and dress 70s style," I laughed.

"I knew you would love that idea! You've always loved 70s rock, so that's right up your alley," she says.

We left the house and ended up running to the park near our neighborhood. I'm actually glad she woke up early that morning, because it forced me to get out of the depressed mood I was in. 

We talked more about what outfits we would wear to the party as we ran, and she decided that she would dress disco themed, while I wanted to wear something more hippie style. My hair was long enough to do the hair style, but I thought it might look nice if I straightened it and wore a flower crown.

"Anne," she said. "I think we should use this opportunity, this party, this experience — to have a lot of fun. It's been so long since we've done something crazy. So yes, we will be drinking margaritas and we will be taking shots this time."

"Okay," I laughed with her. "I'll try to keep up, but it's been a while since I've drank."

We came to a stop at the end of the trail going around the park, and leaned against the rails, looking back at the playground, across the grassy field. In the distance, I could see a couple walking their dog together, holding hands and laughing together. I looked over at Cecilia and she was looking at them, too.

My mind took me back to our past relationships in that moment, and I remembered how it felt to hold someone else's hand like that couple. I remembered that feeling of warmth and security when you held the hand of someone you knew well but also that clamminess you felt when you would first hold hands with someone because you were nervous. I missed that feeling, and I could tell Cecilia felt the same.

We were like that when we were together sometimes. We thought so alike that I felt like she was my other half, and even my soulmate in some sense. I had never felt that for another man, but I did for her, even though I wasn't romantically attracted to her. 

Last year both of us had broken up with our boyfriends within months of each other, and we had decided to move in together after our leases ended. It was interesting how we had both started dating our exes at the same time, when we were just 19, and how we had both spent those three years spiraling in abusive relationships. 

It was sad to think, but somehow I felt that our respective heartbreaks had brought us closer together. We had drifted apart when we got into those relationships, the first long-term relationship we both had ever had, but their ending is what helped our friendship grow even more. She was always there for me when I was grieving, and perhaps it had been destiny that led us to this very moment in time.

You could argue that this moment wasn't anything special, but it was small moments like these that I would always remember.

"I'm so happy you're coming with me to this party," she smiled. "And maybe we'll be able to meet some cute guys there."

"That's true," I laughed at her comment.

We were both looking forward to the party, not just to have fun but to use it as an opportunity to let go of our past, including the pain we had felt for so many years. While Cecilia had dated on and off in the past few months, I couldn't bring myself to open up to anyone yet, especially not to any stranger at a party. It had been months since I had talked to a guy more than casually or as a friend.

"Honestly, I'm just ready to get drunk and forget everything, my inhibitions, all of it," I breathed out.

"Okay, Anne," she laughs. "I'll make sure to be the drink police for you all night. If I don't see a drink in your hand, you'll have to take a shot with me. It's the law — no fighting me and no questions asked!" she points at me.

We both started laughing and talked for a few more minutes, allowing our heartbeats to slow down as we relaxed from our run. When we got home, I spent the rest of the morning relaxing and cleaning up my room and around the house. Cecilia had left for work at 11, so I looked online for more auditions and recorded one video to send to a casting agent for review. 

While I was settling down that evening to eat my dinner, I got a notification from Cecilia on instagram — it was a picture of some guys standing together.

Hey dude, this is the band that's going to play at the party. Louis told me that they're really good.

Thank you <3 I'll check them out, I told her.

I looked up their profile, and they were called "The Breakers." From the picture, I could see that guy Louis had been tagged, and he was posing next to a couple of guys, one of which I guess was the main songwriter who had worked with him. The picture was of them at their studio, celebrating the completion of their debut album.

I ended up looking them up on Spotify and listened to a few of their songs — they were definitely my type of music. I could hear various elements of classic rock and psychedelic music in their melodies, mixed with a bit of pop and even jazz. 

That night, I went to bed listening to a few of their songs through my headphones, letting myself get lost in the melodies, just as I would do when in character sometimes. It was interesting how music informed a lot of my life, and I think if I hadn't gone into acting, I probably would have tried to be an artist.

If there was one thing I was sure about, it's that I needed to start taking my acting career seriously. I had already been in Los Angeles for four years, with nothing coming to fruition, and I just hoped that destiny would take me where I needed to be, soon.

#1dff #movies challenge #niall

[francoiserenaldt]

This is my playlist for day 2 of @it-lives-week :) This was so much fun to make and I hope you all like it!

Song explanations under the cut.

a.m. one direction

all my favorite conversations / always made in the a.m. / ‘cause we don’t know what we’re saying + And talking out of our asses / like we’re all gonna make it, yeah yeah

The way I can just see them spending a whole night together talking about nothing and doing fuck all but they’re having a good time because they’re together? I can’t even.

disturbia rihanna

it’s a thief in the night to come and grab you / it can creep up inside you and consume you + it’s too close for comfort

This is them coping with Redfield and everything going on.

loyalty kendrick lamar ft. rihanna

you actin’ shifty, you don’t ride / with me no more, i need / loyalty, loyalty, loyalty

The obvious answer is that this is Noah’s betrayal song, but I actually think it represents the dynamics of the group in that everyone has a different motivation and wants Redfield gone for their own reasons. When that aspect of tension comes into play, we kinda see them turn on each other in small ways.

weird people little mix

we’re just doing what we came to do / ‘cause we’re all weird people / and we love it + don’t let those other suckers hate on you

The sprinkler scene during homecoming made this song a necessity in the playlist. This also just fits their vibe in general, in my opinion.

mad world riverdale cast

and i find it kinda funny / i find it kinda sad / the dreams in which i’m dying are the best i’ve ever had

I’m hilarious, I know. Mad World is in here because I wanted to give the playlist a song about their darker thoughts, but I put the Riverdale version instead of the OG because this playlist is sad enough as it is and I wanted to laugh.

sign of the times harry styles

we never learn, we’ve been here before / why are we always stuck and running from the bullets + we don’t talk enough / we should open up / before it’s all too much

Self-explanatory.

all my friends are dead turbonegro

all my friends are dead / all my friends are dead / got dragged outta bed / now they’re buried and they’re dead

The ILITW writers themselves gave the gang this song because they have a sick and twisted sense of humor and, honestly, I do too. I just imagine the maniacal laugh at the beginning to be the survivor of a “everyone dies” ending trying to stay sane and failing miserably.

1-800-273-8255 logic

i been on the low / i’ve been taking my time / i feel like i’m out of my mind / it feel like my life ain’t mine

I included this song because it reminded me of how they comforted each other when each person hit their lowest point. It also felt like a good turning point for the playlist because we’re departing from sad hours here.

8teen khalid

because i’m eighteen / and i still live with my parents / and then a lie goes / “well, yours are more understanding” + so let’s do all the stupid shit that young kids do

This song just captures the vibe of being a teenager so well and being carefree for the last moments of your life.

cups kurt hugo schneider

when i’m gone / when i’m gone / you’re gonna miss me when i’m gone

The Cup Song is just so nostalgic and I wanted that childhood friends feel for this playlist.

good enough little mix

sorry for the way my life turned out / sorry for the smile i’m wearing now / am i still not good enough?

Did I say that sad hours were over? Oops. I don’t feel like this needs any further explanation, so I’ll just leave this here.

oath cher lloyd

wherever you go, just always remember / that you got a home, for now and forever + this is my oath to you

Please accept this feel good friendship song to make up for my last choice :)

be alright ariana grande

baby don’t you know / all of them tears gon’ come and go / baby you just gotta make up your mind / that every little thing is gonna be alright

Self explanatory.

victorious panic! at the disco

oh we gotta turn up the crazy / livin’ like a washed up celebrity + shooting fireworks like it’s the fourth of july / until we feel alright

I see them ironically yell-singing this at/on the way to a party or school dance.

handclap fitz and the tantrums

need to believe you could hold me down / ‘cause i’m in need of something good right now + and i could make your hands clap

They’re all so talented and unique in their own way.

dynasty miia

all i gave you is gone / thought we built a dynasty that heaven couldn’t shake + 

thought we built a dynasty, like nothing ever made / thought we built a dynasty forever couldn’t break up

One last sad bop. For real this time, I promise. This is Noah’s betrayal song. The dynasty in this is like their friendship.

get well soon ariana grande

here’s one thing you can trust / it take you and me to make us + 

one of those days you had enough / i’ll be there

This song reminded me of their promise to never split off at the end of the book. Their support system at the end of everything is just >>> and it deserved a spot on the playlist.

kids mgmt

you pick insects off of plants / no time to think of consequences

This felt like a good note to end on. When everything first started, and even as it winded down, they were really just a bunch of feral children trying to figure their lives out. Also, you can’t listen to this song and stay in a bad mood. It’s not possible.

If you read this far, I love you. Hope you enjoyed <3.

#ilaweek #ilitw #it lives in the woods #i'm not sure i should put this in each of their tags so i'm just not going to lol #day 2 #my tunes

[artificialqueens]

Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor, 4 (Branjie) (and background everyone) - Ortega

a/n: something something strictly rewrite something something pls love me something something love u bye. in all seriousness thank u for reading and bearing with me in amongst this clusterfuck…next chapter is the last of the rewrites and so a new one coming ur way within the next week!

fic summary: Strictly Come Dancing enters its 18th series and its producers, after being goaded by a rival dance show on its inclusivity, commission it to be an all-female cast. Unlike Akeria who’s just here to bone her potential dance partner, dancer Vanessa is ready to act like a professional.

And then TV presenter Brooke Lynn walks into the rehearsal room.

***

3rd October 2020

Vanessa takes a deep, nervous breath and looks to the ceiling. The disco ball hangs high from it and creates tiny little square reflections, chunks of glitter against the light rigging. The lights themselves are purple and blue, matching those that snake along the balcony and up the stairs and arch over the huge projection of the show’s title card at the other end of the room. There’s another projection, a yellow one that dances across the shiny lacquered ballroom floor as if it’s practising too. The judges’ table is silver and glittering and intimidating to Vanessa’s right, despite the fact that none of the judges are even sitting at it yet. The band and singers are all set up underneath the huge arch of the stairs that Vanessa has practised walking down with Brooke and the other girls and knows she’ll be walking down again in just a few hours’ time.

“Right, Brooke and Vanessa, please. You’re up!”

A little “woo!” goes up from the couples assembled in the dark shadows of the empty studio. Peppermint and Shea are leaning with their backs against a pillar, their eyes supportive but analytical. Crystal and Gigi are sitting in some of the chairs at the far back row, clapping loudly with each new routine they manage to see and whispering to each other secretively between dances. Yvie and Scarlet are both in the front row off to one side, as Jaida and Plastique are off getting some last tweaks done to their costumes. They don’t seem to mind that their partners are away and are talking excitedly to each other, Yvie every so often making Scarlet laugh so hard that she reaches out and grabs her arm or knee or hand. And Monet and Monique are on the chairs behind Vanessa and Brooke, currently screeching their heads off and pushing them forward onto the dancefloor.

It’s Saturday, the day of their first show. It’s half past four and the sky had just been starting to take on that threateningly Autumnal look halfway between grey and navy when Vanessa had arrived at Elstree studios with Akeria, her friend having to listen to her excited babbling at the thought of getting to actually participate in the competition for the first time. Vanessa hadn’t stopped talking since- not when she’d greeted all the dancers and celebrities with similar excitement, not when she’d given all the hair and makeup artists a hug and thanked them preemptively, and not when she’d been non-stop texting Brooke. To be fair, her partner had started it, so excited was she since rehearsal that morning that she’d texted her practically every available moment since. When Vanessa had finally seen her at the studios they had squealed and joined hands and jumped excitedly on the spot in anticipation of seeing their costumes, trying them on, getting to dress-rehearse and experience their first live show together. So Vanessa has been chatting excitedly the entire day.

The only point where she has fallen quiet is when she had seen Brooke in her dress for the first time.

It’s light blue with satin straps that criss-cross at the back, a bodice that is studded with dimantés, and a long skirt with ostrich feathers along the hem. It’s not the most gorgeous dress in the world but Vanessa knows it’s going to look incredible during the routine, and besides, Brooke could wear a bin bag and still look effortlessly beautiful. Brooke had looked bashfully to the floor as she emerged from her dressing room in the dress, her face ever-so-slightly red.

“It’s hideous,” she’d whispered to Vanessa, out of earshot of the costume girls who Brooke hadn’t wanted to offend. Vanessa, without knowing what had possessed her, had put her hand on Brooke’s upper arm and given it a squeeze.

“Shut up. You look stunning,” she’d smiled reassuringly at her, and the flash of gratitude in Brooke’s eyes had been all Vanessa had needed in return.

She’s in her dress now and Vanessa’s in hers too, the exact same but a royal blue instead of the sky-blue shade of Brooke’s. Vanessa’s stomach is fizzing at the thought of them both dancing in full costume, makeup and hair with an audience watching them as well.

The dress rehearsal doesn’t always run in the running order of the show and today is one of those days. Brooke and Vanessa have had to wait for some of the other couples to run their routine through whereas this evening they’re up first. They’re the ones kicking off the whole show, and Vanessa would be lying if she said she isn’t nervous. They have practised as much as they can, they can do the routine well. Now all they have to do is show the other couples what they’re up against. It’s hard, though, for Vanessa to put everything she’s seen out of her mind and focus on her own dance with Brooke. Jaida and Yvie have just finished their Jive, huge smiles on both their faces as they hit every single beat throughout, the moves coming to Yvie effortlessly as if it’s a partnership of two professionals. Before that, Jan and Jackie rehearsed their Cha Cha Cha which contained so much tension and chemistry that Vanessa became convinced that their lips were going to meet at some point in the routine.

“How you feelin’?” Vanessa whispers to Brooke as they move onto the ballroom floor. The band swap around and tune up and the singers glug water behind them. Brooke looks the most nervous Vanessa has ever seen her.

“I’m fine,” Brooke lies. Her eyes dart around in a panic, wide and white. It unsettles Vanessa so she takes Brooke’s hand, rubs her thumb over her knuckles comfortingly.

“Hey. You don’t need to be nervous,” she reassures her, despite the fact she’s swallowing down her own nerves as she speaks. “You’ve got me. It’s going to be okay.”

Brooke takes a deep breath, her lips forming a tiny “o” as she breathes out. She manages to shoot a smile Vanessa’s way, and Vanessa is slightly more at ease.

“Ready to go?” she hears a producer shout.

“Yeah!” she shouts over, as Brooke Lynn drops her hand to give the producer a thumbs up. They sit in the two chairs that form part of the beginning of their routine, there is a click of drumsticks, and a silence falls across the studio. Two notes from a trumpet, the shuffle of papers on a music stand. Vanessa’s throat is so dry. Launch show feels like a walk in the park compared to this.

There’s a one…two…one-two-three-four click from the drumsticks, the music begins, and the pair of them are off. Straight away, Vanessa can tell something isn’t right. Brooke is too in her head and it shows. When they move into hold she can feel Brooke’s hand shaking, feel her pulse through the hand on her back so fast and heavy that Vanessa wants to make eye contact with her, but she can’t- it’s dress rehearsal, and she needs to be a professional. She can feel Brooke’s feet opposite her, though, and she just knows they’re not doing what they’re meant to be doing. Brooke is trying to keep up and failing, and it’s so hard for Vanessa to push through and keep dancing when she knows it’s going so wrong. They reach their bit on the steps and Brooke stumbles, the steps all coming at the wrong time and in the wrong direction. The smile is still plastered to Vanessa’s face even though she wants to stop right there, cut the band off and just talk to Brooke, calm her down and reassure her. There’s a point in the middle where she finally gets to meet Brooke’s eyes and she tries her hardest to make them comforting and gentle in the few seconds they’re facing each other. It hurts Vanessa to see Brooke’s own full of resignation and disappointment. She manages to pick things up a little near the end of the dance but there are still a few mis-steps and blunders, and by the time it’s over and the others are clapping and cheering Vanessa can already see the hurt in Brooke’s fake smile and the slump of her shoulders. She takes her by the hand, squeezes it urgently.

“It’s just the dress run, okay?” she murmurs to her, panicking as she sees what could be tears welling up in Brooke’s eyes. “You can do this, baby. You know this.”

Brooke nods harshly, blinks once, twice, three times, and the tears- if they were ever there to begin with- vanish. Vanessa wonders whether or not to hug her and then allows her heart to take over. She pulls her in, reaching up to loop her arms around her neck and burying her face against her chest. As Brooke squeezes her waist, she decides that it was a good decision.

Of course the hug can’t last forever but their hands are joined as they leave the dancefloor and return to their seats. Nobody from costume comes over to make adjustments so they can watch some more couples, not that Vanessa particularly wants to. Monique and Monet are still in their chairs. Vanessa is reluctant to face her friend but a tap on her shoulder prompts her to turn around anyway.

“Hey,” Monique hisses, and as Vanessa turns around Brooke does too. Monique’s smile is caring and comforting as she addresses them both. “Don’t worry. First dress run is always off-puttin’, it’s a new environment and the lights are down and the band’s so different to a track. You’ll be great tonight.”

Vanessa is thankful for her words as they seem to put Brooke at ease a little more. She thanks Monique and, wanting to move the spotlight off the pair of them, asks Monet how she’s feeling.

“Ready! Excited! We’re gonna wipe the floor with all you bitches,” she teases playfully. Monique laughs supportively beside her and Vanessa wants to roll her eyes at how much of a ridiculously obvious lovesick puppy her friend is.

“Well, it won’t be hard after what just happened there,” Brooke jokes, her tone not dissimilar to Eeyore’s. Vanessa raises her eyebrows at her and points a finger in her face, channels a bit of her Abuela’s tough love.

“Hey! I’m not letting you talk like that, you’re amazing. We’re gonna be flawless tonight. Just you wait.”

She punctuates her telling-off with a tap to Brooke’s nose, which finally makes her crack a proper smile. A producer shouts over for Monique and Monet, and Vanessa and Brooke clap for them and wish them luck as they take to the stage in matching little glittery playsuits, assembling themselves in their starting positions. Vanessa takes the opportunity to talk to Brooke properly now they’re alone.

“What happened?” she asks. Brooke lets out a heavy sigh.

“Just like Monique said. It’s all so different to the studios and everything just…I don’t know…threw me off, I guess,” she mutters, picking at a bit of feather. Vanessa takes her fidgeting hand and holds it gently between both of hers. The gesture seems to surprise Brooke, and all of a sudden their eyes meet, green opposite brown.

“Brooke Lynn, listen to me. I want you to know this. You can do this fucking dance.”

“I know I can!” Brooke whines, exasperated. Her expression is pained and pouting. “That’s what fucks me off about the whole thing. We’ve done it literally perfectly before. I feel like the only time I was worse than when I just did that dance was the day we started learning it.”

“Well, that’s good! I’m glad you know that,” Vanessa says firmly, enthused by Brooke’s determination. “So. What’s our game plan for tonight?”

“Do it perfectly again,” Brooke says instantly, and Vanessa squeezes her hand between the both of hers. She can’t stop the grin that creeps onto her face at Brooke’s decisive tone.

“Let’s do that, then.”

Brooke’s returning her smile and hasn’t taken back her hand and the world seems right again.

Monet and Monique’s Cha Cha Cha is the best they’ve seen so far- granted it’s the only one they’ve seen so far, but it’s good. Monique’s choreography is funny and clever and as they dance the pair tell the story of a backing singer (Monet) upstaging the star (Monique). Despite the fun they’re having the pair of them manage to only make a couple of mistakes, and Vanessa is cheering for them at the end. Courtney and Blair are next, and God, Phi Phi had been right when she’d said they had a lot of work to do. Blair plods her way through their Tango and visibly shows the mistakes she makes on her face, but Vixen still claps and cheers once they’re done as if she’s just witnessed a piece of modern art. Their performance seems to cheer Brooke up significantly, and Vanessa can practically read her mind- at least we won’t be as bad as that. As if Brooke’s able to read hers, she leans down and gives Vanessa a smug grin which makes her heart skip a beat.

They don’t stay to watch the rest of the couples. Instead they practise as much as they can in Brooke’s dressing room, which embarrassingly makes Vanessa nervous to even be in. Brooke’s all business, though, and they mark as much as they can of the dance in the space that they have.

They do it perfectly all three times.

Hair and makeup’s waiting for them, though, so they eventually relent and join the other couples who are all assembled in the huge room either getting combs and brushes swept through their hair, sponges dabbing at their face, or sitting and chatting. The pair of them are out of breath after their impromptu rehearsal, and when they enter the room a whoop goes up from Willam, who’s sat beside Courtney. Come to think of it, they both seem to be joined at the hip despite not being partnered and it’s as if the two of them are salt and pepper shakers, never one without the other.

“Oh! Strictly curse! Strictly curse! Dressing-room fucking!” she cries out, eliciting a laugh from half the room to Vanessa’s embarrassment. Before either of them can defend themselves, Phi Phi cuts in from her position in the hairdresser’s chair.

“They were probably rehearsing. Which is what we should be doing after that fuck-up of a dress run.”

Vanessa’s intrigued by the mention of how their dance went, but instead she ignores the comment and nods her head gratefully. Brooke replies, and Vanessa doesn’t miss the blush that’s crept onto her face. “Yeah, post-rehearsal sweats, not post-sex sweats. Sorry, Willam.”

Willam’s undeterred, and she shrugs lightly as she chomps on a cereal bar. “Give it time. I’ve never been wrong yet. I gotta sixth sense for this kinda shit, y’know.”

“Ooh, how come?” Courtney asks, crossing her legs and batting her lashes Willam’s way. Willam immediately swivels away from Vanessa and Brooke to give Courtney all of her attention, and Vanessa rolls her eyes long-sufferingly at her partner.

“Strictly curse, Jesus. As if,” Vanessa laughs, but it comes out more bitter than she’d wanted it to. There are still memories she associates with that phrase, she can’t help them, and even though time has passed she’s still got scars that are slowly healing.

Brooke gives a snort beside her, but Vanessa sees the way she doesn’t smile with her eyes, the way she looks almost wounded. Is Brooke…disappointed? Vanessa scrambles to follow up her comment.

“I mean, you know, some good comes out of it all the time. Obviously like Shea with Sasha…I just think…”

“It’s not something you’d ever fall victim to,” Brooke nods slowly, understandingly. Vanessa shakes her head.

“No, no, that’s not it at all! Like if I developed a connection to someone on the show like that, then of course!” she explains quickly. All at once she sees a small twinkle appear in Brooke’s eye, and it sends a spark of electricity up her spine. She feels she has to justify her earlier remark and she swallows before deliberately forcing her tone to be light. “It’s just, you know…obviously after what happened last year.”

Brooke makes a face as if someone’s just dropped a very heavy object on her foot. “Right. Right. Of course. Fuck, sorry, of course you have every right to hate people talking about it so much.”

Vanessa gives a soft laugh. It still hurts and the humiliation might never dissipate but she tilts her head and smiles at Brooke. “Don’t worry. It’s fine.”

They drop the topic, chat about the show instead and Vanessa explains to her how it’ll all work. The pros will do their group number first (Vanessa will change into her costume for that later, a strappy silver leotard with a fringed skirt that hangs low on her waist), which the dancers have been rehearsing all week. Then the judges come out and sit at their table and do a bit of chit-chat with Michelle. Then each of the couples come down the famous stairs and are introduced, and after that the show kicks off. With them. They are opening the whole show, Vanessa’s brain reminds her, and her stomach does a somersault. While they chat a couple of the other girls join in. Scarlet sits herself down in a free chair opposite them and chips in in between bites of mango, and Yvie pipes up every so often from her position in the makeup chair.

“Are the judges really terrifying?” Scarlet asks nervously, biting down hard on a piece of fruit. Vanessa shrugs, pulls a face.

“I mean, I wouldn’t know really. Never competed before, remember?”

Vixen pipes up from her place in the hairstylist’s chair. “Bianca can be a bitch but she’s alright when she ain’t behind the judge’s table. I think half of it is just her playing into the panto villain stereotype. Kennedy is just happy to be there, she always gives fair scores. Laganja is on a different planet, she’s hilarious. Always marks high. Shangie is lovely but you know she undermarks half the time and plays favourites the other half.”

“Well, I’ll just need to make myself one of her favourites,” Scarlet flips her perfectly curled hair and shrugs.

“You’re already one of my favourites,” Yvie says nonchalantly. Scarlet fixes her photoshoot-ready smile onto her.

“The only correct decision,” she points at her approvingly. Yvie laughs a too-loud laugh that makes Vanessa roll her eyes at just how lovesick and useless everyone in this cast seems to be. Then again, she supposes she can’t really talk. Scarlet’s talking to Yvie now as if they’re the only two people in the room. “How’re you feeling, baby?”

“Just excited! Ready to go and get some tens,” she laughs, although Vanessa knows she’s not really joking.

Vixen raises her eyebrows, amused by the girl’s cocky remark. “Reign it in, girl. They never give out tens on the first night. You wanna score above twenty-five, that’s a successful first week,”

“Well, at least nobody’s going home this week,” Scarlet shrugs easily. She’s right- there’s no vote in the first week, and all the scores are instead carried over to next week’s show. But Vanessa doesn’t see that as a chance to relax. Scores are combined with the public votes so she knows a high score in the first week puts them in a good position for the next. She knows she’s thinking ahead too much but she can’t really help it. This is a long game, like Akeria said on launch night, and Vanessa is playing it to win.

“How’re you feeling, Scarlet?” Yvie asks back. Scarlet pouts. Vanessa thinks it’s more than a little for Yvie’s benefit.

“I’m just nervous! I hope I do okay.”

“You’ll be amazing,” Yvie tells her, and Scarlet’s smile is back on her face. Yvie smirks as she finishes her sentence off with, “Like me.”

The girls all laugh. Brooke takes out her phone and scrolls it a bit, nudging Vanessa after a while.

“Cute backstage video?” she offers, and Vanessa nods happily, glad to see Brooke a little less subdued. Vanessa leans into her as Brooke tilts the camera at them both.

“Hey family, we’re just about to get our hair and makeup done, hoping they can do something to fix this,” Brooke jokes, gesturing around her entire face. Vanessa shoves her.

“Shut up, girl, you’re gorgeous.”

The compliment is out before Vanessa can stop herself, but she doesn’t miss the way Brooke’s smile gets slightly wider. She ignores the compliment with her words but her face acknowledges it. “We’ve just done our dress run, it went horribly-”

“Oh my God, the lies you are telling today!!” Vanessa’s jaw drops. She knows it hadn’t gone well, but she just doesn’t want Brooke being so down on herself.

“Tell me we weren’t bad.”

“We weren’t bad!!”

“Well we weren’t good, either,” Brooke laughs, and Vanessa has to hand that one to her. “So you guys better vote for us next week, because we’ll need it.”

“Yeah, vote, vote, vote!” Vanessa nods enthusiastically.

“For Willam and Phi Phi!” Willam ducks her head into shot, and Vanessa pushes her away as she bursts out laughing.

“Brooke and Vanessa!” someone from hair calls, and Brooke pulls a face at the camera.

“Ah! Right, that’s us! See you all later, love you,” Brooke squeals into her phone and stops recording. In lieu of a story she decides to post the video on her grid, with the caption:

bhytes: 1 hour to go! Mood: terrified! Lucky I have @vanessavanjie dancing with me!

Vanessa is heartened by the tag, promises herself she’ll reply with something later. As the hair stylist sprays Brooke’s hair to within an inch of its life, Vanessa watches in the mirror as Brooke scrolls her phone, then pauses, a stifled smile creeping across her lips and a hand reaching up to touch her face self-consciously. Vanessa narrows her eyes with interest and, refreshing the page, finds that five new comments have popped up on the video Brooke’s posted. Three of them are a series of emojis, one is well-wishes from Brooke’s One Show co-star Nina, and one in particular catches her eye.

branjie5ever05: you GUYS i can’t take it you’re so good together!!! like an old married couple!! can’t wait to see you dance! branjie 5ever!!

Vanessa allows herself to wonder if that was the comment that had made Brooke’s face light up before her mind tells her how utterly ridiculous she’s being.

Hair and makeup is a blur and once they’re done, Brooke takes Vanessa’s breath away for a second time. The pair of them never really get to see each other with a full face of makeup on- they would just sweat it off in rehearsals- so this is unfamiliar territory to Vanessa. Brooke’s beauty hits her all over again just as it had on launch night, and Vanessa feels herself dissolving into a bashful mess whose tongue has been cut out.

“Wow,” Brooke says quietly, her tone of approval sending another little spark through Vanessa’s body. The atmosphere is already so electric and Brooke doesn’t need to add to that but she won’t complain. Brooke gives her a small smile that’s almost shy as she manoeuvres herself out of the makeup chair. “You look so good.”

Vanessa smiles, mutters a soft thanks to her. Brooke keeps going.

“I mean, better than good, obviously. Really pretty,” she stutters out, and Vanessa has to try not to laugh at how endearing she’s being.

“Well, same to you, boo. If anything goes wrong, which it won’t, all you need to do is smile at the judges and then maybe they’ll ignore it.”

Brooke rolls her eyes, gives a small laugh. “Ugh, please. I’m not Scarlet, I’m not going to simp for the judges.”

Vanessa lets out a howl of a laugh which causes some of the other girls to turn their heads. She yells an explanation. “Brooke Lynn just used the term ‘simp’!!”

“What? Did I not use it right?” she blinks, unamused. Vanessa butts her head into her arm and hugs her, trying to explain how funny she finds a thirty year old TV presenter using a term she’s only ever seen on Twitter.

If Brooke’s Insta post is a countdown to the show starting, then their time is eventually up. Vanessa feels like Brooke hugs her extra tight before she goes out to do the pro dance, clingy in the best kind of way. They won’t be separated for long but Vanessa still feels her heart hammering in her chest as the dancers begin to assemble on the ballroom floor, walking through the audience who are silent in anticipation (or perhaps under strict instructions from the producers). There’s a countdown and Vanessa tries to forget that, unlike the launch show, this is live, her dancing instantly beamed into the living rooms of everyone watching. The lights begin to come up, and the commentator’s voice booms through the studio.

“Live on Saturday night, this is Strictly Come Dancing!”

The audience cheers, and the band play the first notes of Boogie 2Nite. Vanessa can hardly breathe as she watches Akeria and Phi Phi open the dance, not a single error between them as they kick and spin each other around the floor. When Vanessa and the other pros join in at the swell of the chorus there is another excited cheer that ripples through the studio and makes Vanessa’s smile hurt her face. She gets to her solo and feels as if she’s igniting as the lights beam down hot onto her and she spins, kicks one leg high into the air, melts and then finishes with a stag jump that she knows wasn’t perfect but she’s too full of adrenaline to care. She partners with Monique and the two of them have matching grins on their faces as they dance, Monique spinning Vanessa round, round, round until she’s almost dizzy. As the dance comes to a close, Vanessa hits her pose right on the last beat, holds it, and then after waiting for the audience to finish applauding she runs backstage along with the other girls, hurrying into costume to change into her quickstep dress. The wardrobe team help her change and before she knows it, she returns into the line that the partners are all forming at the top of the stairs, waiting for their names to be called out. As soon as Brooke sees her, her face lights up in a smile and she wraps her in a tight hug. She smells of hairspray and fake tan and peppermint chewing gum, and Vanessa never wants to step out of her arms.

“You were so amazing. Well, everyone was. But you were the best,” Brooke murmurs into her ear before she lets her go, and Vanessa’s whole body tingles at the praise. There’s hardly time to reply, however, before a runner is telling them that they’re to come down the stairs in just twenty seconds, and stand in the spot they’d been given earlier that day during the dress run. Vanessa’s palms are sweaty and she’s self-conscious of them as Brooke takes her hand.

“Introducing your Strictly Come Dancing stars!”

The commentator’s voice is loud through the speakers and Brooke’s thumb strokes Vanessa’s skin between her thumb and index finger as they look at each other affirmingly before stepping out onto the stairs. The lights are blinding in Vanessa’s face but she’s still smiling and waving at the top of the stairs as the audience cheers for her and Brooke.

“TV presenter Brooke Lynn Hytes, and her partner Vanessa Mateo!”

Vanessa sneaks a look at Brooke and she’s already looking at her. The coincidence makes them both giggle before they walk carefully down the stairs, Vanessa telling herself not to trip on her way down. They make their way to their space and watch and clap for the other couples while the anticipation fizzes in Vanessa’s chest. They’re first. They’re first. They’re first. If she’s this nervous, she doesn’t know how Brooke must be feeling. Eventually all the couples are assembled, and Michelle is introducing them.

“And kicking off the whole show…it’s Brooke and Vanessa!”

As the audience gives a whoop and their VT plays Vanessa takes Brooke’s arm and looks at her, making sure she’s okay. To her relief Brooke returns her gaze steadfastly and there’s a little sparkle in her eye. She doesn’t seem as anxious as she was before. The couples leave the ballroom floor, Monique, Akeria and Crystal making sure to tap Vanessa on the shoulder on their way past and whisper a quick “good luck” to her and Brooke. They sit on the chairs that the set people are running about assembling, and Vanessa hisses across to Brooke.

“You good?”

Broke nods to her. “We’ve got this.”

Vanessa’s nerves instantly leave her body. Brooke’s truly back in the room and her head is in the game. There’s a countdown of five from a runner and the commentator’s voice booms overhead again.

“Dancing the quickstep…Brooke Lynn Hytes and Vanessa Mateo!”

The drum kicks in and their performance has begun. Already it’s nothing like the dress rehearsal. Brooke’s smile is genuine and easy during their silly interview-style bit, and when Brooke takes her hand as she rises from the chair Vanessa can feel her pulse again but it’s not heavy and frightened like before. It’s full of adrenaline and excitement and as Vanessa rests her hand on her upper arm and Brooke rests hers between her shoulder blades, something just seems to click. They’re off across the dancefloor and Vanessa knows Brooke’s steps and hops are in time with hers, the intricate footwork coming so naturally to her. As they go to cross the floor again, Brooke’s smile seems to falter as she stumbles. Vanessa doesn’t let this deter her and as they meet each other’s eyes she gives Brooke a wink.

“Beans on toast!” she reminds her mid-dance, and Brooke’s confidence is back as they do the next set of steps perfectly. Their feet are going so fast that Vanessa can’t even pick up on whether or not Brooke’s made any more mistakes yet, but the majority of their first dance has been good.

They reach their little section on the steps, and Brooke gives the slightest little falter as she makes eye contact with Bianca. The judge never gives anything away so her steely gaze might have rattled her, but as soon as they’re off the steps and back in each others’ arms Vanessa gives Brooke’s hand a squeeze.

“Almost there, last section!” Vanessa tells her encouragingly. They’re back to kicking, stepping and hopping their way across the ballroom floor to their seats where they finish, and as Brooke hits her final pose and Vanessa hits hers the audience gives a loud cheer. As soon as they’ve held it for a few seconds, Vanessa squeals, jumps up and meets Brooke’s waiting arms. She knows they’ve got to go over to Michelle to be interviewed but she holds the hug for a few more moments than necessary, raising her voice over the roar of the crowd as she speaks against Brooke’s rapidly rising and falling chest.

“You did it! So incredible!!” she gasps, all out of breath. To her shock, Brooke rests a hand on one side of Vanessa’s face and plants a kiss against the other.

Vanessa doesn’t know if the past five minutes could get any better.

They make their way over to Michelle. Brooke’s got one arm slung around Vanessa’s shoulders and Vanessa’s not moved her arm from her hips since their hug. Michelle is waiting for them with a bright smile on her face, seemingly as happy with their performance as they are.

“Congratulations you two, what an opening to the show!” she smiled encouragingly, and Vanessa gives Brooke’s waist a squeeze. “Brooke, how did it feel performing tonight?”

Brooke’s out of breath as she talks. “So amazing. So, so amazing. Dress run went so badly and just having the real thing go so well…wow. Just the best feeling.”

“I told y’all she was good!” Vanessa pipes up proudly beside her, and Brooke gives a laugh and pulls Vanessa in closer to her side.

“Judges! What did you think? Shangela?”

Vanessa’s heart stands still as she comes to the first judge, smiling gently at her desk.

“Well first of all, what a way to open the show! So much fun, and Vanessa, so great to have you as part of a pairing this year, that choreo was something else.”

Vanessa can feel Brooke’s eyes on her and she flushes pink from the praise, stutters out a thank you.

“Brooke, great job tonight, you lost your footing a little bit on the steps there, but overall a gorgeous start. Just work on strengthening your core, holding your frame a little bit better, and once you do that? Lovely, gal!”

Vanessa turns her head to see how Brooke’s reacting, She’s smiling and nodding and taking it all on board. Laganja speaks next, growing animated as she gives her feedback.

“I think we have one to watch here, mama!” she cries, and the audience gives a cheer. Vanessa looks up encouragingly at Brooke, gives her waist another squeeze because she can. “So much amazing potential! You just have a natural eleganza, all light and frothy like a latté! A couple of mistakes, girl, work on not showing that on your face. Cuz when you show it, we all see it, you know? But all that aside, well done.”

Bianca’s up next, and Vanessa clenches her core in preparation. The woman could watch Torvill and Dean dance Bolero on ice and still find something to say. “Uh, I thought the footwork needed tightening up, there were bits that were just a little bit too haphazard for me, your elbow was drooping just a little bit which is not great, you did lose your footing on the stairs here…”

Vanessa can feel Brooke drooping a little beside her, a bit like her elbow had allegedly been doing. The audience boos Bianca like the pantomime villain that Vixen had mentioned, but the woman’s face cracks into a small smile as she finishes her remarks. “But what I do love about you is your energy, you have a lot of great potential as Ganja’s pointed out, and I’m looking forward to seeing what you can do when you get just a little bit more technical.”

The audience seems appeased and claps her comments, and Brooke has perked up at Vanessa’s side like a flower that’s been given a drink. Michelle turns to Kennedy, the final judge to give her comments.

“Brooke! I think you started out a little bit nervous, and what was nice was that as the dance went on you kinda came out into your own a bit. You have a lovely feminine and elegant way of moving which is really nice to see in an all-female partnership, and you seem really comfortable in hold with Vanessa, which is lovely.”

Vanessa tries to fight the blush that washes her face at Kennedy’s comment and doesn’t succeed.

“Just work on your presentation a little bit and your confidence and…yeah. I’m living for you, miss, you’re gonna be dangerous.”

Vanessa is heartened by the way Brooke’s face lights up at the praise. Michelle thanks the judges and waves them off upstairs to be interviewed by Divina, her co-host, and the pair of them pick up the hems of their dresses and entwine their hands as they dash upstairs to the auditorium (or, as it’s commonly known between the dancers, the Divinatorium). Most of the other pairs are there having watched them dance while they wait for their turn, and they all clap the pair of them as they nudge their way through.

“You did it!” Divina smiles, giving Brooke a hug as she meets them both. “Congratulations! Now, nice comments from the judges- I know Bianca got a bit pernickety there, but how do you feel about them?”

“Really happy, yeah! I just can’t believe what Vanessa’s managed to do with me in the space of two weeks, she’s been amazing. It’s all been down to her.”

Vanessa can’t help the rays of sunshine that feel like they’re emanating from her face as she looks at Brooke. Divina turns to her.

“Vanessa, you’ve been benched for a couple of years now, how does it feel to have a partner finally?”

“You know what, it was worth the wait. She’s been an absolute star,” Vanessa beams, wrapping her other arm around Brooke’s waist and pulling her close just like Brooke had done once their dance had finished.

“Worth the wait! Too cute, you two. Well, the judges’ scores are in.”

Vanessa’s stomach gives a dip. She feels Brooke’s grip tighten on her shoulder as the voice of the commentator rings across the studio. This is the moment they’ve both been waiting for. They’re about to get their first ever scores.

“Will the judges please reveal their scores. Bianca Del Rio.”

Bianca holds up her paddle. Vanessa blinks and tries not to pull a face. Because what’s on the paddle is a number, a number that doesn’t correlate with the dance they both just did.

“Five.”

Hardly wanting to look away, she keeps her eyes fixed to the screen.

“Kennedy Davenport.”

“Five!” Kennedy is holding up an identical paddle. Vanessa can’t help it- she scrunches her face up, turns to Brooke.

“Five?” she shakes her head. Brooke shrugs and smiles but Vanessa knows the scores are hurtful to her. They’re being undermarked- okay, she knows the dance wasn’t perfect and they made just a couple of mistakes, but it was at least a six, perhaps even a seven.

“Shangela Wadely.”

“Five.”

Vanessa shakes her head, trying to keep a smile on her face but wanting to storm down the stairs and give those judges a piece of her mind.

“Laganja Estranja.”

“Six!” the girl cries happily as she holds up her paddle, and the audience lets out a cheer. Vanessa relaxes a little, and she can feel somebody pat her on the back encouragingly.

“Happy with those?” Divina asks a little gingerly, and Vanessa jumps in before Brooke can say anything.

“You know what? It’s week one, and it’s a start!” she shrugs firmly. She’s not going to let this dent her confidence or Brooke’s. This isn’t the first time she’s been undermarked or disappointed in her career and it sure as hell won’t be the thing that knocks her or Brooke down.

“The only way is up,” Brooke agrees beside her, nodding fiercely.

“Well, we all thought you did amazing,” Divina reassures them both, and Vanessa flashes her a grateful smile. Divina explains to the TV audience that they can’t vote until next week, and that the judges’ scores will be carried over to the next show. She closes their interview and the audience claps them and just like that, after all the buildup, their first dance is over and they head backstage.

The moment it’s just the pair of them, Vanessa instantly pulls Brooke into a hug because God knows if Brooke doesn’t need one then she definitely does. They’re in the cream-painted corridors where the dressing rooms are, and the light is harsh and bright around them when all Vanessa wants is just a moment of darkness. She wants to be under her duvet, pulling it up high over her head and letting the shadows envelop her. As her arms circle around Brooke’s waist she lets out a sigh. Brooke returns the hug and Vanessa takes a deep, calming breath as she feels the older woman’s strong arms wrap around her shoulders and pull her in close to her chest. Vanessa’s back is against the cold paint of the wall and it’s contrasting so much with the warmth Brooke’s body is giving off. They stand like that in silence for a moment, each of them grounding the other, and Vanessa can feel Brooke’s heart through her chest. It’s intimate and gentle, and not a single word has been spoken between them but Vanessa can sense a shift in the atmosphere. She feels something change between them, a difference that somehow pulls them closer together and connects them in a way that they hadn’t been before.

“That was undermarked. You were amazing,” she whispers in annoyance against Brooke’s chest. Brooke’s arms tighten around her in response.

“We were amazing,” she whispers back. Vanessa’s not sure why they’re whispering, but she likes it, makes the moment seem more theirs somehow.

The thought appears in her head and it’s out before she can stop it. “I’m so lucky to have you.”

Brooke shakes her head above her and repeats her words back to her instantly. “No, I’m lucky. So, so lucky.”

Giving another sigh, Vanessa lets her arms slide down to her side and, taking her cue, Brooke slowly releases her, but not before resting her hands on her shoulders and giving her a smile that seems to say so much without saying anything at all. Vanessa wonders how long that hug could have gone on for if she’d let it.

“Put it out of your mind. We move,” she says decisively, and Brooke gives a single nod.

“Tomorrow’s a new day, and next week’s a new week.”

They link arms and go to be interviewed for the socials and, after the moment she’s just shared with Brooke, Vanessa knows that her smile won’t have to be faked.

#rpdr fanfiction #bet you look good on the dancefloor #ortega #strictly au #lesbian au #branjie #vanessa vanjie mateo #brooke lynn hytes #monique heart #monet x change #willam belli #courtney act #phi phi o'hara #scarlet envy #yvie oddly #background jankie #background momo #background scyvie #background crygi