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shy-sapphic-ace · 5 months

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List of queer books I read, loved & recommend!

(There isn't any particular order, I wrote these as I remembered them)

Master Of One - Jaida Jones & Dani Bennett (mlm, fantasy, very cool worldbuilding and magic system, funny, cool characters)

Legends & Lattes - Travis Baldree (wlw, fantasy, very soft & chill vibes)

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon (wlw, high fantasy, cool worldbuilding, kinda reminds me of LOTR but with more dragons and feminism and lesbians)

Even Though I Knew The End - C.L. Polk (wlw, supernatural noir, cool 1930s detective story with angels & demons, I loved this one!)

The Love Interest - Cale Dietrich (mlm, science fiction, very cool concept)

The Darkest Part Of The Forest - Holly Black (side mlm, fantasy, cool fae lore)

The Weight Of The Stars - K. Ancrum (wlw, not quite science fiction but space stuff is involved, lovely and complex characters)

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe - Benjamin Alire Sáenz (mlm, fiction, very nice in general, there is also a sequel)

The Gentleman's Guide to Vice and Virtue - Mackenzi Lee (mlm, historical and vaguely fantasy, nice story but I preferred the sequel honestly)

The Lady's Guide to Petticoats and Piracy - Mackenzi Lee (wlw, the sequel to the one before, more fantasy elements than the first, asexual main character!!)

Gallant - V.E. Schwab (no romance, but in the background one of the characters(?) uses they/them pronouns, very cool dark fantasy vibe)

Stranger Than Fanfiction - Chris Colfer (gay main character, trans main character, coming-of-age, nice book)

Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda (yes it's the Love, Simon book, mlm, fiction, pretty nice)

They Both Die At The End - Adam Silvera (mlm, sci-fi ish but mostly fiction, cool ideas, but the ending is sad! Very amazing book though, I haven't read the prequel yet)

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid (wlw, bi main character, historical fiction, cool story, just a neat book in general)

This Is How You Lose The Time War - Amal El-Mohtar & Max Gladstone (wlw, sci-fi, very cool time travel stuff!! and very beautiful, it felt like reading poetry most of the time)

One Last Stop - Casey McQuinston (wlw, background trans & pan & queer characters, sci-fi or fantasy idk, but time travel, I loooved this book, great)

The House In The Cerulean Sea - TJ Klune (mlm, fantasy, THIS BOOK oh my gosh you should read it!!, just cute and lovely and good)

Under The Whispering Door - TJ Klune (mlm, fantasy, this book is also sooo amazing, great character development and awesome relationships and stuff, it's been a while since I read it but it was so good)

And They Lived... - Steven Salvatore (nblm, fiction, about gender identity and learning to love yourself, read it a while ago but it was very nice)

I Wish You All The Best - Mason Deaver (nblm, fiction, about finding your identity and people who care about you, very cute and sweet)

The Song Of Achilles - Madeleine Miller (mlm, historical, very good in general)

Carry On - Rainbow Rowell (mlm, background wlw in the third book, fantasy, it's a trilogy, basically Harry Potter if it was gay and also better)

Silver In The Wood - Emily Tesh (mlm, fantasy, very pretty, lots of fae stuff and lovely descriptions, it has a really good sequel too)

Pretty much anything by Alice Oseman (all cute and lovely and great, though I've only read Radio Silence so far I hear only good things, Solitaire is on my to-read list)

I Kissed Shara Wheeler - Casey McQuinston (wlw, fiction, it's been a while but I liked this book)

The Falling In Love Montage - Ciara Smyth (wlw, fiction, this book was so cute and funny and deeply emotional it made me Feel way too many things, I'd definitely recommend it)

What Big Teeth - Rose Szabo (a bit of queerness all around, fantasy, werewolves and monsters, this one was pretty cool!, lots of original ideas for the world/character building)

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muertarte · 9 months

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PARTIES: @amonstrousdream @muertarte

TIMING: The night of this

SUMMARY: Metzli panics that they are a danger to everyone. Leila tries to stop them.

WARNINGS: References to past Emotional Abuse, Accidental Domestic Abuse (nothing serious, a one-second wrist grab)

Despite not needing sleep, exhaustion hit Metzli like a train, their mind screeching as it attempted to stop. Their eyes remained closed for a few extra moments longer, the sensation of Leila’s body against theirs doing well to keep their mind from straying too far. It was strange, Metzli thought, to have torn through hundreds of bodies only hours ago, and yet be holding someone so gently and reverently.

They opened their eyes, looking at Leila with a building worry. All the worries and fears they had long since bid farewell to came rushing back with a vengeance. Metzli’s entire body tensed, a shudder surging through them as images of the fear on Wynne’s face flashed in their mind. Then Arden’s. And Zack’s, even if that was more towards the damage painting the room and not the image of them covered in war.

Panic’s claws dug into Metzli, a horrible sensation of pins attacking their chest and fingertips. Their breath hitched, and they quickly rose to sit up, panting. As much as they tried, Metzli was coming to the conclusion that they’d never be able to change what they truly were. Zack, Wynne, and Arden had seen it, and now they probably—and rightfully—feared Metzli. They sat at the edge of the bed, and looked back at Leila, wondering when she’d look at them that way. It was something they couldn’t let happen. They’d never forgive themself if they gave Leila a reason to fear them.

She had to be protected. Everyone did.

“I have to go.” Their voice was emptier than ever as they sped away from the bed and to the closet, a poor attempt to not feel the storm twisting within them. “I have to go,” Metzli repeated, body rigid with panic. “I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.”

Something was wrong.

Leila had been laying there for god knew how long, tucked close to Metzli, grateful that they were okay, they were okay- but something in the silence made a pit grow in her stomach. She’d scanned over every inch of them, every line of their face, hoping she might find an answer hidden there. But it wasn’t until their eyes opened that the mare found the beginnings of proof. Worry. Fear. A wave of it crashing over their face before Leila had a moment to process it all.

And then they were up, wrenching themself away from her as their breathing sped faster and faster out of control. “Metz…?” She was up in a moment, abandoning her spot in the bed to try and check on her partner. The pit grew larger in Leila’s stomach, a black hole of dread that threatened to swallow her up. “Hey, what’s wr-” They were off the bed in with a shot. Leila’s hand hung in the space between, a moment shy of reaching Metzli’s shoulder.

I have to go. “Metz, you need to rest…” I have to go. They ran towards the closet, as far from her as quickly as they could. She wondered if this was some terrible dream she’d constructed for herself…. I have to go, I have to go, Leila clambered out of a bundle of sheets, her bare feet on the floor matching rhythm with a quickening heartbeat. I have to go. “Go where?”

There didn’t need to be much packing, not when the place being traveled to wasn’t even set. Regardless, Metzli felt like they were already behind, their prison waiting for them to rush in. “No. No. No.” Worry began to tremble their voice, a soft desperation clinging to it as they rummaged around their closet. “No rest. No rest. No rest…” It sounded breathless and quietly urgent, legs beginning to pace in circles instead of marching to a specific goal.

What was it anyway? What were they doing?

Metzli bumped into Leila in the midst of their panic, recalling what they needed to do. She didn’t deserve a monster, and Metzli certainly didn’t believe they deserved the warmth she offered them without hesitation. She didn’t know better, but they did. Metzli knew what they were, and they needed to protect the people they loved from their murderous and bloody hands. Save them from being spattered and stained with their violence.

“M-Monster. Monster. Monster…I-I…need…y-you are in danger.” A pause, eyes wide with irrational panic staring into Leila. “I have to go. I have to go. I have to go.” Metzli tugged at their hair, the needles making their scalp itch. They needed a plan to set in motion, but they hardly had the capacity to think past the cacophony of voices thundering in their head, and echoing into themself repeatedly. It was made even worse by the memories of everyone’s fear being worn so plainly on their expressions. “You are not safe with me. Not safe. Not safe.” That’s when a thought came to mind, an old one. Not quite unlike the place they just left. Metzli needed a new basement. They needed to be locked up like before. A terrifying thought, but they supposed there was a reason both their parents and sire shut them away.

Eloy was right. Eloy was right. Eloy was right.

They hurried about from one place to the other in the closet, looking for… something- she wasn’t quite sure what- all the while murmuring things that didn’t quite make sense repeatedly to themself. Fear. Leila was far too familiar with the sound of it. The way it made a voice shake and stammer… the way it looked in a person’s eyes, glossy and wide… But she’d never thought she would find that sound or look in Metzli. Not when they were talking to her… looking at her…

Metzli bumped into her and the fear-soaked-panic that drove them from their bed and set them to packing turned into the worst words Leila had ever heard. I have to go. The mare tried to rationalize what they were saying- what were they saying? going where? she wasn’t in- I have to go. “M’amour, I’m not in danger… you’re not a monster…” Words tumbled from her lips but got swallowed up by I have to go. They tugged at their hair, a tempest in their mind that would not let up keeping that fear firmly set in it’s place.

Without thinking, she reached out in an attempt to gently extract the fingers that were tightly wound in their hair. “Metzli… Metzli, please… Está bien cariño, I’m safe. You aren’t a monster. I’m safe with you-”

Leila wasn’t getting it, and she wouldn’t. This facade that had been created was something she drank readily despite it being poison. No matter what Metzli believed they could finally be, it was wrong. And they finally understood what the meaning behind ‘If you love someone, let them go,’ was. Metzli was a blood-soaked monster, painting Leila with every touch.

How long until she was consumed by it? How long until they ruined her? Metzli couldn’t let that happen. They wouldn’t.

“You are not safe!” They yelled, eyes meeting Leila’s and nails digging into their scalp. “No one is safe around me. This is why master locked me away. I am just…just…” Metzli tensed and when Leila’s fingers grazed their hand, the needles surging deeper into their skin. There was only one way to react, something they couldn’t stop. “No!” With their exclamation, Metzli grabbed Leila’s wrist with a bruising grip. They let go in an instant, the act calamitous and wrong.

“I am–Leila…I…” She truly wasn’t safe. Not as long as she was around Metzli. They couldn’t protect her from anything, not even them. “I am sorry.” They said it once, everything going wickedly calm and quiet. “I have to-I have to…” A swallow, “I have to protect you. Everyone. Not supposed to hurt people you love. Not supposed—” Metzli slid past Leila, careful to not side-swipe her in the process. “I will not do it again. I will not. I will not.” Looking toward the door, Metzli tensed their hand through their hair. “I will lock myself and it will be fixed.”

She flinched.

She hadn’t meant to- she wasn’t scared of Metzli. Never had been, never would. But some piece of the long dead girl she had been, the one who remained locked away and buried deep inside of her, couldn’t help but shrink at a raising voice. Leila’s memory had grown fuzzy after centuries, but she remembered his voice, too loud and too angry. That wasn’t Metzli’s voice- even when they yelled, there wasn’t anger. Just that same fear.

They grabbed her wrist, and she sucked in a breath in surprise. As quickly as they grabbed her, they let go, as if she was some white hot coal and had only just realized it. She knew better, Leila thought, they were panicking and she shouldn’t have gotten so close so quick, she knew better- “It’s alright…” The words got choked out, forced past the wall of stunned silence. “You didn’t hurt me–” But Metzli wasn’t listening. They were walking around her, painfully cautious not to touch her, eyes fixed on the door across the room.

Leila scurried out of the closet, trying to place herself between Metzli and the door. “You aren’t something that people need protection from, Metzli! I don’t need protection from you. I just need you–” Lock themself?? Her mind was whirling about like an out of control carousel, like she was trapped inside the worst nightmare she had ever had. Worse than the ones that had slowly killed her. Only now, there was no waking up. “Don’t lock yourself up, you don’t need to lock yourself up! Just- talk to me, Metzli, this doesn’t make sense… Don’t go…”

Leila’s reaction was evidence enough, proof that the monster they had tried so hard to kill was still within them, and it was hungry thing that she was watching in front of her with a hint of terror. There truly was no other choice. “I have to. I have to. I have to.” Legs moved on instinct, the same never-ending circular path. “I will never hurt you again.” Metzli promised, forcing their legs to comply and stop in front of their partner. The only woman they’ve ever loved. Leila looked so broken and hurt, the fear of abandonment not lost on the vampire. But Metzli wasn’t leaving her, and if they could stay, they would.

“My heart is still yours.” It still didn’t make sense, saying those words when their heart was still in their chest, but if anyone could hold it without ripping it out, it would be Leila. “You deserve better. I-I-I do not belong.” Metzli connected their forehead to Leila’s, a selfish act. They needed to feel her skin against theirs just one more time so they could have the ghost of her touch remaining. “Everyone I love will be safe.” Their lips connected deeply, passionately. A goodbye without words. When they parted, Metzli let the numbness consume them, willing themself to tear themself away before they made the wrong choice.

“I will put the monster away.” Metzli stood straight, pain threatening to crash through their shield. “I will miss you.” They almost broke then, but they held their ground, steeling themself as they burst into a limped sprint, straight out the door.

If their heart was hers, then why were they leaving? “No, no, no, no…” Her voice had grown so small, so quiet. Wake up, wake up, this is a dream, you’ll wake up and this will all be a dream. It was a lie, Leila knew it was a lie, but it was one she prayed would become true. Tears rolled down her cheeks, staining her face with that strange shimmering stuff of nightmares. Wake up, wake up, wake up… “You belong- with me, with Honey, with Cass and Osito- don’t go… don’t go, please don’t go-”

They silenced her with a kiss. Leila had kissed those lips so many times now, but never had she had a kiss that felt so final. They had decided for the two of them and hadn’t given her a choice in the matter. Metzli was leaving. She tried to make the kiss last, tried to hold on for as long as she could, but Metzli won out, always the stronger one…

And then they were gone.

Leila stood frozen in the bedroom, practically swallowed up in the now-too-large-too-empty space, staring at the place where her partner had once stood. If it had been a dream, she would have woken up by now. But she was herself a nightmare, dead and gone and not capable of waking from her own bad dreams. A sob rose in her throat as her legs gave out and the woman sat on the floor. Alone. Again. Of all the nightmares Leila had in life, of all the dreams that had plagued her until her heart gave out… this was worse.

This was far worse.

#wickedswriting #writings #bloody ink #it's not you it's me #c: leila #leila and metzli #the love interest #emotional abuse tw #domestic abuse tw

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