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#the medical system has failed a lot of people
afeelgoodblog · 24 days
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The Best News of Last Month
Sorry for being not active this month as I had some health problems. I'll start posting weekly now :) Meanwhile here's some good from last month
1. Widow donates $1 billion to medical school, giving free tuition forever
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Ruth Gottesman surprised by her late husband's $1 billion in Berkshire stock, decides to donate it in full to the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in the Bronx, New York City's poorest borough. The donation is intended to cover students' tuition indefinitely, ensuring access to medical education for generations.
A video capturing students' emotional reactions to the news, cheering and crying, circulated after the announcement, highlighting the profound impact of the donation on the medical school community.
2. Electric school buses outperform diesel in extreme cold
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In Colorado's West Grand School District, electric school buses outperformed their diesel counterparts, particularly in the bitterly cold temperatures of towns like Kremmling, where morning temperatures can drop below -30 degrees Fahrenheit. Despite common concerns about reduced range in extreme weather, the electric buses maintained their battery charge even in these frigid conditions, providing reliable transportation for students.
This success has been welcomed by the school district, as diesel vehicles also face challenges in starting in Colorado's harsh winter weather.
3. Christian Bale unveils plans to build 12 foster homes in California
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Christian Bale has led a tour round the new village in California where he plans to build 12 foster homes, as well as two studio flats to help children transition into independent living, and a 7,000 sq ft community centre.
The actor has spearheaded the building of a unique complex of facilities with the aim of keeping siblings in the foster care system together, and ideally under the same roof.
4. Average lifespan of a person with Down syndrome has increased from 25 years in 1983 to 60 years today
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Today the average lifespan of a person with Down syndrome is approximately 60 years.
As recently as 1983, the average lifespan of a person with Down syndrome was 25 years. The dramatic increase to 60 years is largely due to the end of the inhumane practice of institutionalizing people with Down syndrome.
5. Greece legalises same-sex marriage
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Greece has become the first Christian Orthodox-majority country to legalise same-sex marriage. Same-sex couples will now also be legally allowed to adopt children after Thursday's 176-76 vote in parliament.
Prime Minister Kyriakos Mitsotakis said the new law would "boldly abolish a serious inequality".
6. Massachusetts police K9 tracks scent for over 2 miles to find missing 12-year-old in freezing cold
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A Massachusetts police K9 followed her nose to help find a 12-year-old who went missing in frigid temperatures last week, tracking the child’s scent for over two miles, authorities said.
K9 Biza, a female German shepherd, was called on to help after officers learned the child left their home at around 10:30 p.m. Wednesday and was last seen in the Pakachoag Hill area of Auburn, the Auburn Police Department said.
7. Good News for the Socially Anxious: People Like You a Lot More Than You Think They Do, New Research Confirms
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The "Lake Wobegon effect" or "illusory superiority" phenomenon highlights people's tendency to overestimate their abilities, but recent research suggests that in social interactions, individuals often underestimate their likability and charm.
Studies indicate that people consistently fail to recognize signals of others' liking toward them, leading to a "liking gap" where individuals believe they are less likable than they actually are.
Techniques such as focusing more on others during conversations and genuinely expressing interest in them can help alleviate social anxiety by shifting the focus away from self-criticism. Ultimately, understanding that others may also experience similar anxieties can lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable social experience.
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That's it for this week :)
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viridianriver · 6 months
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Lemme tell you the story of the first time I really talked to an antivaccer. Been on my mind lately even though this happened years ago.
For context, I'm super pro vacc to the point that I felt proud of having basically harangued half my family into getting it. And alll the news I was exposed to was basically painting people who opposed the vaccine as ignorant and stupid.
Then I decided to take a solo trip across the country. First thing I did after getting the jab. And one night, I was camping in rural Colorado. Not the mountanous part, the plains that seem almost like a continuation of Kansas. And I got to talking to this guy who worked construction in the area, who hadn't gotten the vacc and couldn't be convinced to. And I was getting frustrated with him.
But then he called me a "rich city bitch" or something along those lines, and started telling me about why. That when he was young, how the medical industry had brought this "great" new medicine to town, opioids, and really pushed it. A lot of people found relief using them at first, most jobs around were hard manual labor and the doctors pushed them hard for chronic pain, workplace injuries, pretty much everything. People started getting addicted, got demonized by the medical industry for being "drug seeking" and turned elsewhere to get opioids. Lots of people OD'd, he had family members lost to addiction. All because of shit that the doctors said was totally safe and reccomended, and pushed hard.
And now the doctors are coming around pushing something new? Fuck that, do they think we're fuckin stupid?
And I heard the same story again and again when I talked to people who rejected the vaccine. Talked to a Black guy who mentioned how human experimentation on Black people wasn't too far in the past, shit like the Tusgegee Experiments wasn't ancient history, that's people's grandparents, community elders, etc. And they think they're gonna convince him to let them inject some shit?
It was eye opening to me, and honestly the fact that it was so eye opening just showed how sheltered I was to even have that trust in the medical system.
I went on that trip thinking antivaccers were stupid. And left it thinking the medical industry has so systemically failed and actively harmed so many people that it's pretty reasonable people ain't trusting them anymore.
Now, I'm not an antivaccer at all myself. I know the science, I studied bio and chem and all that in college, but I think my anger's shifted. The media demonizing people who won't get the vaccine absolutely fails to mention the systemic issues that'd very reasonably lead people who didn't have the privelege to take years of college classes on this shit to doubt them. And the condescending tone? Ain't helping.
It also reminds me of the book "Manufacturing Consent" by Noam Chomsky, which is all about media slant, and how it serves to protect corporate and government interests. And I truly believe that if you see all antivaccers as stupid, and not people responding pretty smartly to a medical industry that has abused their families and communities for profit for generations? You've been a victim of propaganda, that only serves to divide different marganized groups, and keep us like "crabs in a bucket" fighting each other.
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copperbadge · 2 months
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More on mindfulness and meditation
I feel like perhaps I came across as anti-meditation in that last post I did on it, and there were some folks who were a bit vocal about not liking meditation in the notes, but the notes also had some great and interesting discussion of what can count as mindfulness that isn't traditional meditation and what some alternatives might be, so I wanted to do a follow-up. Especially since I don't think I'm going to get to respond to everyone individually.
The post was not meant to be anti-meditation, but to express frustration with the way meditation frequently is, or rather fails to be, taught. I can understand why people would struggle with "mindfulness" (vastly overused term) and meditation, so I'm not here to argue with or shame anyone, and I really appreciate the alternative suggestions. But because mindfulness can mean so many things, and people can meditate for many different reasons, I wanted to talk a little about why I'm being asked to do it.
It's easy to lose track of why one might try meditation for mental health, because the cause and effect are so temporally dislocated from each other. I try to keep in mind that my specific goal is emotional regulation deriving from increased present-moment attention. Some of the stuff that was suggested is great for a goal other than this, like puzzle games that allow people to empty their racing minds or activity that brings someone back into their body when dissociating -- both extremely laudable functions! -- but that's not why I'm here. Meditation is meant, for me, to be a maintenance medication, not a rescue inhaler.
There is science that suggest that mindfulness practice, under a specific definition of the term, can help to manage emotional dysregulation, ameliorate Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, and reduce depression and anxiety. I discuss the science in a slideshow here but essentially this specific form trains the attention into the present moment, which improves executive function -- and as we know, emotional regulation is a facet of executive function, so this leads to better emotional regulation.
There is not a lot of science on it yet so there is room here for yoursamplesizeissmall.jpg, but it's all we've got so I'm running with it. There is one foundational practice and three practices that build on it which effected this change in subjects of the study:
Breathing Meditation doesn't really confer any benefit the others don't, but the others all employ it as a basic practice. We know this can calm the parasympathetic nervous system, although to be honest I have not found that to be the case personally. As soon as I stop the deep breathing I'm right back where I was, likely because my issue is ruminational, not situational. But everything else wants you to breathe first, so I still have to do it.
Body Scan focuses attention on the body and as others have pointed out is good for people prone to dissociation. As I said in the other post, I live here; paying extra attention to my body isn't something I need. I was asked to try it anyway as part of a practice in keeping an open mind about stuff I think is dumb, and clearly I do need practice in that. Still, it's likely I'll be able to let this one go pretty soon.
Loving-Kindness asks you to think positively about others, expanding compassion from a single point outward to the world. I've encountered this before in reading Pema Chodron; I don't do it as meditation, but I do try to practice it in life because I am not naturally a patient or compassionate person, and that has been helpful in the sense that it keeps me from getting punched in the face a bunch. For me there's no real "train the attention to be in the present" aspect on account of that, however.
Observing-Thought is where you just sit with your thoughts, let them arise, sometimes label them in some way, and let them go. I was most interested in this purely because it's the only one I hadn't already encountered. I haven't found it useful so far, but I don't have enough data about it to be definitive, and if it is training executive function I would expect that to take time.
Now, I know that all four of these have science backing them, so I know that we're not just dealing in new-age woo here. The problem is functional, not theoretical. The issue overall is not "meditation is boring" -> "find a way to make it interesting", although I do appreciate that it may be an issue for others and I like that people were offering solutions. The issue for me is that the boredom derives from the fact that the meditation isn't being taught. There's no progressional learning -- there's no step-progress-reward-step-progress-reward like with most difficult skills.
Any task is boring if you aren't deriving any reward from it or you are being expected to execute it without skills or training, and in this case I'm facing down both. Long silences from a meditation leader are fine if you're there to engage with a practice you already have familiarity with, but if you're trying to learn, they are the opposite of helpful, and they are actively punishing to someone with ADHD.
I don't want to be entertained (I mean, generally I do, but in this case I don't expect it). What I want is a pedagogical approach that steps up to the practice rather than beginning with it, so that I know I'm doing it right, I experience rewards along the way similar to how I currently do learning Italian, and I have more confidence that what seems dull and fruitless actually will produce results.
Uh, so yeah thanks for coming to my TEDtalk; the fact that a practice that's especially hard for people with ADHD helps with almost every problem ADHD presents really sucks, and I wish we approached teaching meditation as if it were something you actually did have to learn rather than something you're supposed to Do Until You Get It. In the meantime I guess bumping the speed on the recording isn't the worst thing I could be doing.
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Are you a big fanfic reader? What have you read lately and what's been your favourite fic so far?
Oh mannnnnnnnn. Why don't you ask me to pick a favourite child while you're at it???
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Just kidding. I don't have kids. But I assume having to pick a favourite would be hard if I did.
So, am I a big fanfic reader? YES. And what haven't I read lately? We are lucky enough to have so many talented writers in this fandom that it's possible to subscribe to numerous multi-chapter fics to the point where you're just constantly getting update emails. Which I do. It's great. It gives me something to do at work aside from, y'know, work.
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*Me at work being smug about being paid to read porn* (Also I just wanted to look at this gif)
So what is currently on my endless update list? Coming up after the cut!
I am an absolute whore for human AU, so if you like that then you will probably like:
The Cure for a Broken Heart by @rofell
a medical student AU based in the Canadian medical system (I'm a Canadian so I was pretty excited about that). It manages to tackle the continued systemic discrimination of Indigenous people in our medical system (and in general), homophobia and the ensuing trauma from those things all while also being informative, funny, sweet, romantic and hot af. Like. It's so good.
Free by @maaikeatthefullmoon
This is another one with with a heavy topic that also does a great job of making sure to break it up with some excellent fluff, hurt/comfort and humorous moments. And it's handled with the sensitivity and thoughtfulness necessary to write something that takes place in a mental health ward and deals with some intense situations. Definitely make sure to read those author notes before diving in. They lay it out very thoroughly.
The Sincere Way by @tsyvia48
A martial arts AU. Crowley is a karate sensei and Aziraphale is his student. Slow burn that keeps you on the edge. The screams I have scrumt at my screen over this one. Plus you learn a lot about karate (but it never gets boring or over-explainey. Excellently balanced) which is pretty cool. Mostly light (there is some angst. This is the Good Omens fandom. I think we are all sad, wet chihuahuas at heart). Funny and sweet.
Terminus by @emotional-support-demon-crowley
Plus One by @caedmonfaith
Astronaut AU. Aziraphale is an astronaut who meets his mission controller, Crowley, over the comms system when he finds himself in need of assistance.
Super cool concept and really well-done in my opinion. Like, I don't do any space or physics-related work (ok I straight-up failed math 9) but I find it entirely believable. And it's well-written which is the entire point. Cute, funny slow burn with an intriguing mystery happening in the background.
Aziraphale has family money but a shitty family (except for Muriel! Never Muriel!) and his shitty brother Gabriel is getting married to shitty Michael, an Earl's daughter.
Aziraphale's family disproves of his entire life pretty much and he has been lying to them about having a boyfriend. Now they are expecting him to bring said boyfriend to the wedding. His famous footballer friend sets him up with their mechanic, Crowley.
It starts as a slow-burn but becomes a hilarious, smutty romp that just gets more and more insane. The chapter titles alone have made me cackle out loud.
Some older human AUs I'm a huge fan of include Old Vines by @sevdrag. Crowley owns a vineyard and Aziraphale is a wine critic. It is so amazingly written. It makes me think of the author Joanna Harris (Chocolat, The Five Quarters of the Orange) because it's SO beautifully, vividly descriptive that I end up craaaaaving wine. So have a bottle on hand if you're giving this a read.
Also the love story in this. My god. I devoured it. The story and the (many bottles of) wine.
There is also Loosely Ballroom by marginalia_device and mortifyingideal. It's a Strictly Come Dancing (Dancing with the Stars in North America) AU and it is so. Fucking. Good.
But it comes with a disclaimer. It's unfinished and looks likely to stay that way. But honestly? Still worth it. It's nearly finished (I think) so you have most of the story. And it's just SO good. It's been a while since I read it but it was one of the first human AUs I read and what got me hooked on them.
If you're still with me...nice! Just know that was me holding back and that isn't my entire list by a long shot. If you want more recs, feel free to message me and also share your own!
I just finished Slow Show the actor AU by @mia-ugly and yes please.
Some serious angst, pining and hot hot smut.
There is another long-form multi-chapter actor au I loooved but I can't remember the name for the life of me. Just that the show they were on was basically good omens and that they swapped roles with great success (inspired by the whole Michael thinking Neil wanted him to play Crowley when he wanted Aziraphale thing).
Thanks for the ask! That was really fun!
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thewayuarent · 6 months
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Handling an addiction. Part 1.
Cause oh we need to have this conversation
Disclaimer: I am not a professional, and I won’t pretend to be. This is based on my personal experience as someone who is/was in several relationships with people who struggle from different forms of addiction. I want to clarify that I do understand all characters and while I’m going to critique them I do not blame them. The very important thing to remember is that it's a very complicated topic and there is no clear right answer to it. Let's keep in mind that any conversation about any difficult topic is always mostly one-sided and it's impossible to talk about everything once. This is about addiction and only about it, but all characters are way more then that one topic. Are we good now? Let's go.
So, let’s talk about Ray’s addiction and how people in his life are failing to handle it. 
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The most important thing to remember is: addiction is a disease. By definition of most medical associations all over the world. Addiction is not a personal choice. And while it doesn’t excuse Ray’s behaviour throughout the show, it explains it. And this is a big difference. Ray as a character is much more than just his addiction, absolutely. But his addiction is a huge part of who he is and how he behaves and we need to constantly remember about it.
This conversation begins every week after every episode. Most people who seem to understand the complexity of his situation are also people who have a lot of sympathy and understanding towards him, and this is great. There are also a lot of people who feel towards him mostly annoyance and desire for him to stop without understanding why he can't - and this list starts from characters in the show. It’s, again, understandable. It’s also the worst thing you can do towards someone who struggles from addiction. 
So let’s start from Ray’s friend group and we’ll go from the least harmful to most harmful characters’ behaviour.
Boston. Yeah, shockingly, I know. But the fact is - Boston actually has the best-ish (from the worst so it’s not a high ground here) approach towards Ray’s addiction. And why? Well, cause he doesn’t give a fuck and doesn’t pretend to do. Boston is way far from the good support system Ray actually needs but at least he never judges Ray for his habits. He won’t help him, sure, but he won’t damage him harder (well, he is, but on a different topic).
We don’t actually know a lot about this friend group dynamic outside of their current drama and one episode happened two years ago. But we kind of can assume (cause Mew said it twice - in episodes 1 and 6) that Boston at least on some level was periodically responsible for taking Ray home. Which is really weird for me, by the way, cause both times Mew said Boston will take care of him Boston was also drinking. Not on Ray’s level, but still not in a shape to drive. But whatever. 
Don’t get me wrong, Boston is a shitty friend. He’s the one called Ray a burden in episode 1 which led to Ray rushing out.
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And he intentionally targets Ray more than once towards the show about Mew, which is absolutely harmful and not helpful (can we talk about the weird obsession Boston has about Ray and Mew having sex? Like dude relax, nobody cares. Well, Top does).
He is absolutely not someone you want to have in your support system while trying to heal (not if Ray’s trying but we’ll get to that in part 2). But at least he is honest about not wanting to handle an addict. And the truth is: no one in this friends group wants to. And it’s fine, actually, more on that in a minute. But oh the level of hypocrisy the other two have.
Cheum. So, I truly don’t understand what the show is trying to tell us with this one. It’s either a clear critique on the hypocrisy people tend to have towards addicts or an attempt to show how addiction ruins not only people with it but also their surroundings. And if it’s the second one then I have a problem with how it’s shown.
There is a gold rule of cinema: show, don’t tell. We are told more than once that Cheum and Mew were actively trying to stop Ray. But what we’re actually shown is way different. The thing is, they are college kids. They drink a lot. They party a lot. And if we see this group all together they are either in university or drinking (except for the iconic pool scene). And specifically Cheum seems to get drunk pretty often. So while we’re told they tried to help Ray we’re shown only how they actually (unintentionally!!) support his behaviour or ignore it. And what should I think?
I think that they missed the point when Ray’s habits became an actual addiction. And I understand why - it’s a very easy thing to miss. I think that before his suicide attempt they did’t notice his mental struggles. I think after that they were shocked and scared and they didn’t know how to handle it so they chose to ignore it. This is a very common reaction and it’s understandable. 
The very important moment to remember is they don’t owe Ray anything. They can choose to help him and support him or not to deal with it. Handling an addiction is so hard and frustrating and exhausting for every participant. And if they choose to not get themselves into it - it’s normal. It doesn’t make them bad people, as choosing to help doesn't make somebody a better person. It’s a choice and every choice matters.
But if you make this choice - be true to it. Don’t play the “I tried to help you but you don’t want it so it’s on you” card. People with addiction didn’t choose to be that way. But people in their lives? They have an actual choice. No one will judge you if it’s not for you (at least normal people won’t). It’s honestly way better than staying only to constantly remind an addict how bad he is - he knows it already.
The thing I have to say to Cheum is - go away. It’s harsh, but it needs to be said. Don’t lie to yourself or Ray. Tell him (in very careful way) that you are tired, that you can’t handle it, that he needs help you can’t provide. Or stay, but do your research and prepare yourself to long hard work. But don’t continue to constantly drink with him to then be surprised why he can’t get better. Cheum is absolutely not responsible for Ray's actions. But she is responsible for hers. 
The one time I was almost agree with her was that scene.
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Because bringing drugs was a very fucked up thing to do - Ray puts at risk not only himself but the whole group and he deserves to be called out on that. But. She continues to put all the blame on Ray - the thing she does the whole episode and it’s just frustrating as hell -  forgetting about Mew. Mew, who actually has a lot of responsibility in that situation.
Mew. Well, he does the worst thing you can imagine to do with a person like Ray. I get it, he’s hurt, I totally understand why he does what he does. I don't think he intends to hurt Ray. But.
Mew forgets a critically important thing here - can you guess which one? - right, that Ray is an addict. Mew can do all this stuff and be fine afterwards. It is always a risk that he won’t, of course, but his superiority complex tells him he’ll be fine. And I also think so - I mean, he's a young adult, he can try partying and drinking and drugs and be totally okay after.
He can turn back. Ray can’t.
Mew did help Ray in his worst moment that one time two years ago, and it is worth remembering. And after that Mew tried his best to distance himself from Ray’s struggles - again, understandable. He was trying to talk with Ray and while it was really bad - I still give him the benefit of a doubt. He is young, he’s not a specialist, he didn’t do any research and he thinks it might work.
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But a moment he decides to let loose he turns to Ray for help. Because Ray will never judge him - both cause his idolisation and cause it’s not his place to judge, he does all this stuff himself. And this is absolutely terrible. I’m sorry, but it is. Mew, the same as everyone else, doesn’t owe Ray his help or time or support. But while it is not necessary for him to help Ray, it is a necessity to not actively - and this time intentionally - support him in this.
For Mew everything happening is episode 8 is a journey, a new experience. For Ray it's a fucking relapse.
He knows Ray is an addict. He just doesn’t care at the moment. But it can be so, so dangerous for Ray. Mew started this spiraling down journey, but it’s Ray who will end up at the bottom.
And for everyone who says Ray is also an active participant - he is. But he is not. He has a disease. And he gets in a situation where a person he idolises, his favourite human being, finally doesn’t judge him. Instead, Mew supports him. Mew wants to be like him. Can you imagine even a possibility where Ray in this situation says no? It’s impossible, not in the state he’s in right now.
And this is why I critisize this friend group. This is why they deserve to be criticized. Because this is a depiction of how these things work in reality too. You don't have to help him. But the least thing you can do - if you deside to stay in his life - is to have a compassion towards him and don't get him worse.
In part two I will talk about Ray’s current state and of course about the one person who kind of does the better job here - and why Sand is able to do it.
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unbidden-yidden · 5 months
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Genuine question for those of you who say that you want the dissolution of all states. What do you envision in place of states in terms of:
Logistics (i.e. making sure every area has the basic resources it needs in order to function and people not die for lack of water, food, fuel, medical supplies, etc.) Like not assigning these things necessarily but literally just getting them to various far-flung places.
Security (how do you prevent people from outside the area coming in and taking everything including resources, land, people, etc.) How do you prevent authoritarian groups coming in and occupying your formerly peaceful, non-hierarchical society?
Supporting people outside of affinity networks or within rigid social systems (a lot of disabled people, queer people, and other people on the social, familial, and religious outs are gonna die without some kind of appropriate systems in place to meet these needs.)
Addressing major environmental challenges that require cooperation over vast areas of land, if not global cooperation.
Rule of law, especially when it comes to human rights, freedom of movement, freedom of religion/culture, dispute resolution between governing bodies of whatever variety that doesn't involve war, etc. but also just like, basic laws governing interpersonal relationships (preventing rape, murder, theft, etc. and addressing the aftermath of those things in a humane, just way.)
Peaceful transition from states to whatever it is you imagine taking their place, without hemorrhaging lives from the most vulnerable populations.
And like, there's more that I'm sure I'd have questions about too, but these concerns are so basic that I just cannot continue the conversation without knowing what the plan is for these essential tenets of an organized society.
Don't get me wrong: I don't love states and wish we had a better system too. I am also painfully aware that states are failing many if not most of these all the time. However, what I would need to know is how what you are proposing is better than trying to improve what currently exists and isn't going to come at the cost of catastrophic loss of human life, human cultures, animal life, and land destruction. And not in a pie-in-the-sky way, a realpolitik way.
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stealthetrees · 5 months
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Okay I’ve snapped.
If you say Percy Jackson is stupid I will find you and make sure you regret it.
I have inattentive type ADHD. I was diagnosed in 4th grade and got put on medication. I did not think there was a difference but I got an award from the school for how much I improved. They didn’t know it was because of meds.
Before I was diagnosed I remember being on the verge of tears often at school because I got so frustrated that I couldn’t do work. I sat at my desk with the pencil in my hand staring at a worksheet physically unable to write the awnser I knew. I would stare at the question and like an optical illusion the rest of the page blurs together and I can’t even make out word anymore.
I thought I was dyslexic for the longest time because some fonts are so difficult for me to read. I could look at a recit, know it says lettuce, and it will not process in my brain. Unless I am a few hours away from a deadline it is nearly impossible to start assignments. Essays are hell.
You know those songs that have an American accent but are completely nonsense? That’s what it sounds like a lot when I listen to people talk. Usally I can grasp the general meaning but I can not tell you what word you just said.
Time is not real. I sit down, scroll through tumblr for maybe 15 minutes and my roommate asks why I’m sitting doing nothing for 4 hours straight. Full days disappear and I can’t remember anything that happened. I have no idea how long it takes me to do something I do almost every day.
I went two weeks at the beginning of the semester with meds that where 10 milligrams lower than my usual dosage. My grades still haven’t recovered.
THAT SAID. In cannon, Percy Jackson passed 13 years of school with high enough grades to be accepted to a university. Not medicated. Without accommodations.
So either the education system in New York is taylored specifically for people with ADHD, or Percy Jackson is a fucking geinios. I can’t spell.
So ignoring the fact that nearly every fight he won by outsmarting his opponent, let me tell you why.
In the books, he’s an introvert, sits in the back, tries to keep his head down but usually fails, gets detention often, and has been expelled multiple times. That’s not the kind of kid teachers go out of their way to help. He’s also unlikely to ask for help. So, despite his struggles in the classroom, he has never been held back or had to redo a grade as far as we know. And it’s pretty likely considering his age.
Add in the fact that he would be constantly sleep deprived from staying up very late (like from 10-3, based off my experience) and his dyslexia, Percy would need to be really good at retaining information after hearing or seeing it only once. That’s actually supported by his ability to memorize prophecies word for word after only hearing them once. We know Percy is bad at taking tests, so he would have to be really good at recalling information.
He also did it all unmedicated. I want to cry just thinking about it.
tldr, the fact that Percy’s grades where high enough to get into college means hes fucking brilliant
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emowoodlandwitch · 7 months
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One thing I wish able bodied people could understand is that when I say I don't like nurses/doctors/hospitals, I'm not just being an asshole. It's more than just the fact that having to go get healthcare isn't pleasant. I'm not being dramatic when I say that I won't have anyone who is a medical professional in my personal social life. I'm simply protecting myself from being hurt again.
As a young disabled person who has been fighting the medical system for the last decade, I have absolutely no trust in medical professionals. I am tired of people pretending that medical professionals are inherently good. They're dedicating their lives to helping people, so they must be good, right? In my experience, most people pursue careers in medicine because of the prestige, not because they actually give the slightest shit about people. Too many doctors chose to work in medicine to pamper their own ego. They are happy prescribing some antibiotics when you have the flu, but give up as soon as your ailments become more difficult. If they can't tick that box that says " I helped them," it doesn't pamper their ego enough for them to even pretend to give a shit. Of course, there are doctors who care. There are doctors who want to help people who have more complex needs, but they are a minority.
As for nurses, there is a reason people joke that they were the bitchy girls in high school. The majority of nurses I have interacted with have been terrible towards me. They've lacked any level of compassion and have treated my care as a chore. They've talked over me, written off my complaints, and failed to even do the basics of their job. I understand that a lot of hospitals are severely understaffed. I understand that those nurses have a lot on their plate. But that does not give them a right to treat me poorly, particularly because people are often at their lowest point when they are in hospital.
A few years ago, I fell and broke my shoulder and my wrist. I went to the hospital and they missed the broken wrist. They hung the entire weight of my arm off my broken wrist and then told me I was being dramatic when I told them how much it hurt. They denied me any pain medication accusing me of being drug seeking. I had to go back to the emergency room every day for a week, begging them to address the broken wrist. I had to beg them to give me a sling to take the pressure off my shoulder. They denied me proper healthcare for my broken bones because my medical chart said I had mental illnesses and chronic pain (this was confirmed directly in one of my visits).
I've been passed through the system from doctor to doctor being promised that they would help me, only for them to give up on me before my first appointment. I've waited years for appointments with specialists only for them to discharge me after one conversation where they decided I wasn't worth helping. I've been let down at every single step of the process in accessing healthcare, yet people still believe that I should praise the people letting me down!?
In my personal life (beyond when I am seeking treatment), medical professionals have been the most ableist and mean-spirited towards me. They have consistently overstepped my boundaries befriending me so they can have a little passion project. They've befriended me just so they can try and fix me. It's some weird saviour bullshit. They have consistently tried to force me to listen to their unsolicited medical advice. I don't care if you are a doctor/nurse. If you aren't part of my treating team, your advice is unwanted and unwelcome.
I understand the importance of medical professionals. I understand that the work they do is important. I understand that they do help people. But I am not going to act like they are all saints.
I'll start respecting medical professionals when getting healthcare doesn't give me trauma. I'll start respecting medical professionals when they start listening to me. I'll start respecting medical professionals when heart palpitations aren't written off as anxiety. I'll start respecting medical professionals when fat people can get healthcare without unrelated symptoms being blamed on their weight. I'll start respecting medical professionals when women (or anyone with a uterus) can access reproductive care without being asked about what their future husband may want.
I'll start respecting medical professionals when they show me that they deserve to be respected.
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ikkosu · 2 months
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you want pharma and prowl? I’ll give you pharma and prowl!! Them both as romantic rivals trying(and failing) to woo reader (gn, can be whatever species) cause they are both losers (affectionate) they keep trying to flirt with reader, but are so jealous and possessive they keep getting in each others way, which is not helping their image in front of readers eyes. Maybe reader is a secretary and has worked under both, and their personality(and bod) attracted them in the first place . Here’s your pharma and prowl <3
author’s note : YESSSS YESSSSS THIS IS THE CONFLICT I NEED. ILL GIVE YOU A SMOOCH FOR THAT IDEA ALONE ANON. I’m a sucker for these tropes on goddd. Also don’t mind me as I change it to a medic, since it’s more flexible for me to work with <3 possible three some later ;;)) also, whoo! This is a lot longer than I expected.
ONLY ONE WAY UP THE HIGH WAY
summary : prowl and pharma finds themselves as rivals when they pine for the same darling pet and thus the inevitable egos clash.
You hate rom-coms.
Now, you might be a hopeless romantic; delving and losing yourself in romantic stories, tugging even the most deepest heartstrings which gets you all giggly and kicking your feet. What you hate, however, are bland characters. A random, mix and mash kind of chemistry, forced with no substance, set up as a love triangle.
Which is, quite literally, what's occuring right now.
You see, you’re a medic up in Delphi for some time before being paired up as Prowl’s buddy-buddy partner, because Chromedome insists someone needs to look after that unruly cop who’s always destined get himself killed.
And so you do. Upon Ratchet’s introduction to the Autobot SIC he’s not exactly someone friendly. He's, ah, rigid and prickly, the know it all by the book, kind of prickly. His unresolved anger issues takes quite the toll wheb you tend his wounds or even so much as to touch his arm. Though, demure as you are, you know when to stand up for yourself when the situation gets out of hand. And this kind of resistance managed to ease down his sharp edges. Now, he’s still a prick, a tolerable prick more accurately, but you’re both good pals!
Or so, that’s what you thought.
One unassuming day, you were lounging off as usual in the main area, gathering your bearings after another tough match with the hoards of patients when your communicator buzzes with a ping. It's a message from Pharma.
An Autobot base will be set up here in Messatine at due time. Will be expecting your arrival promptly.
Ah, Delphi. How long has it been, seven years? Meeting your mentor again was something of a, well, it wasn't far from a dream. Wasn't really a need, either. But it's definitely something, at least. Besides, Prowl said he had to monitor the new crew in case they messed up the communication systems, again. So, you decided, with a hopeful heart, to follow along with the Coppa to Delphi.
Yeah, bad decision. Whomp, whomp.
That hospital might have it's up and downs, and while saving patients might not be it's strongest suits, it's decor are definitely a catch to mind. Goodness, since when did they have the funds to do that? The stark white of the tiled floor ( since when did they had marble designed pillars? ) embellished with grey, engraved carvings stumped your prior, blatant distaste of the facility.
It's safe to say you're surprised.
You're sauntering across the halls of the hospital, admiring the added features of new wards, machinery and nurses, when you bump into a wall that is, apparently, Pharma. Your, uh, very, very nice superior who you squint at your notes is definitely obsessively clingy BUT very smart , but also crazy. Like, mad crazy. Haha....
Why do you attract people like this.
"And, who ..? is this?" Condescension spools from his tone as he sizes up the Autobot SIC with a careless wave of his hand like he's some newly discovered specimen.
"Their partner." He makes sure to emphasize the 'partner' like it's a bullet. "The 'who', here is a Prowl."
"Oh, is it now. I didn't expect you to move on that quickly, dear."
"You're in a relationship?" You feel his glare on you; it's not a question.
"No, he's just—"
"Kidding! I'm only kidding." Pharma gives a hearty laugh. "My, my, officer. You know, tight muscles are a sore to deal with if you're not going to loosen them anytime soon."
"No thanks. I'll stick with a stroke."
"Ah, the ever so pessimistic. Pleasure to meet you then, officer. I've heard lots about you."
The doctor gracefully extends a hand to which Prowl ignores and then replies without much a look to him.
"If that's so, then I'm not very pleased."
The hand falls sharply, so does the smile.
"Oh, good,"
You swore you heard a joint breaking when he snaps his neck to your direction, and while you look away, you knew the chesire grin-like smile on his face is nothing but a threat.
"Very, very good." He straightens up. "How about a tour?"
Honestly, you expected the two would be more civil since they’re both so heads over heels about their reputations in front of another superiorly defined character. What you didn’t expect, however, is intruding in a tug of war that materialized from, seemingly, out of nowhere.
Right, the doctor insisted on an individual tour of your own. He suggested Ambulon show Prowl around, while he would take the pleasure of doing the same to you.
Obviously, Prowl isn't having any of that. So, you're currently between them, one arm in Pharma’s grip and the other in Prowl’s unrelenting grasp. You wince as their digits dig into your skin. If they're not careful, that's gonna leave a mark for sure.
“They already know their place around the medical facility, Jet-fuel. I’m sure they’re able to handle themself just fine without your guidance,”
“Oh, yes indeed,” Pharma, despite Prowl’s 100 degree glare, grits through his forced grin and yanks you back by the scruff of your collar, right into his chest, “I invited them here, I might as well show them around. If I didn’t know any better you’re trying to hog my staff.”
You know better than to voice your opinions. Their inner brain workings, all the cogs and mannerisms were already familiar; operating under their influence is like treading around a field of broken hards bound to prick you at any moment lest you misstep.
"Your staff?” The Autobot SIC scoffs. “Im not hogging them. It's long gone. They're not working for you, anymore. But I'm sure you're not aware of that since you've got a stick up your ass."
“Not quite, actually. Before they became your little pet—“
“They're. Not. My. Pet. I’d prefer it if you didn’t reduce them to some mindless animal—"
“Doesn’t matter. they’ll be fine. I know you haven’t you heard about this since you’re new here but Delphi has its new additions around the facility. I’m merely trying to greet back an old prodigy of mine back. In fact, they’ll be fine without you.”
"Oh, really." Prowl's up in his face now, grinding his dentas.
"How about you push my buttons and let's see where this leads?" Pharma taunts with an obvious tick on his under-optics.
That’s last week and you’re surprised when Prowl is frequenting your work station more often, always nagging you about your reports and how you ‘incorrectly’ structure them. That's strange, he never does that. Why is it only now he's bothering you about it?
When you asked him to take a look, however, he merely tosses it elsewhere and hands you his own datapad for you to look through. Of course, Pharma pops up round the corner and chastises the strategist for hogging his medic’s working hours. He says it's 'unethical' use of Power-play and authoritism and that Prowl should be locked up in jail.
Even worse, they’ve had this tug of war battle where they would try to ‘woo’ you when they can. You weren’t surpised; Pharma’s quite full of himself, so obviously he’s got territorial problems, even though you're not sure why he's so possessive over you. But later you realized he IS the entire problem. Not singular, not plural, he’s a walking embodiment of a complicated problem.
It gets worse when you're trying to do your work and here they are barging into your cubicle with another problem. At this point, you’re convinced it’s just a fight Pharma puts up because he hates sharing his pets. Now? He’s gotten too far down the rabbit hole to get up. For sentient robots who’s been through a war and back, they’re so damn petty.
Pharma’s idea way of flirting is more up and personal, he doesn’t care about your personal space and he never will. Brother in Christ, this mech does NOT leave you alone. AT ALL. He touches you whenever the time allows him to and you knew he's doing that to get under the lesser affectionate Cop-bot's skin, who finds physical touch repulsive.
Sometimes, you feel his hands up on your waist, your back against his chest as he leans over to regard your report, chin on your shoulder. If he’s feeling more bold, he often puts in his two cents of insinuating a quick session in the office which you, uh, politely decline because you’ve got a meeting with the new interns.
There's always another time, he'd jest. Yeah, well, not so funny. He’s clingy, obsessive and despite the charming suave-esque front of a Bond Villain he puts up, he’s easily the best person you can turn into a pile of seething venom.
“My little pet, I think it’s high time Prowl has his duties transferred off elsewhere, don’t you think?” His optics are twitching, and his unusually sharp talons pierce the metal desk. “ Not that I mind, that rancid Cop-bot has been getting in my nerves, recently. Wrong, this, regulations that. Can you believe it, he terminated half of my crew for, as per his words, carrying out unsanitary operations! Thats defamation! A false accusation. It takes a whole restraint not to shove him down the grinds of the accelerator.”
Please, don’t.
“He’s just monitoring the district, sir.” You maintained a neutral tone. He’s at your desk again. And, instead of trying to woo you into his bed he’s complaining. Oh, my god. I’ve got a report due tommorow. And you’re complaining. Someone, help me.
“Well, he’s not monitoring anything anytime soon with how much blood he’s leeching from your body. I should've known better than to agree with his demands to stay in your office as well. He’s stuck to you like a damn mosquito.”
Like, you're any better. You deadpan.
Prowl, on the other hand is aware and accepted the fact that he’s definitely not the most likable or the best lover kind of material out there. And, to take someone like YOU to like him, someone playful and fun, not ripping out his head every two seconds, is a blessing in and of itself.
He can't even stay a second around someone without pissing off their early descendants. So, with his glock locked and loaded he takes 'counteractive measures' to ensure that nobody is going to take that moment of happiness away from him. Even if in unethical terms he’ll have to ensure it.
“You’re been forty five meters off from your office.”
You let out a startled yelp, swivelling around to meet Prowl, oh thank god prowl, who's expression is pinched, lips pressed in a thin line and his hands are intertwined behind his back, military-like.
“I’m buying drinks,” You clutch the myriad of snacks and drinks in your arms, blinking away your pounding heart. “ H-how’d you find me?”
Prowl merely glances at the contraption on his wrist where, when you crane your neck to look over, is a circular radar with a blinking red dot.
“You’re to notify your disappearance when necessary.” He grunts out and turns on his heel. “Let me know when Jet-fuel decides to harass you again,”
Weird. Still, you brush off his disdain for the medic as nothing when instead his, ah, paranoia (?) goes on for months. That one instance youre in the bathroom? Yeah. Hello, there. I'm just walking. Totally not peeking. Totally not—
Is that a new sock?
"Prowl!"
"I'm checking if there are cameras here."
"It's a bathroom?!"
"All the more reason why I should ensure there isn't."
What's more strange is the fact that there's a blatant evidence of someone meddling with your schedule. And, you had an inkling their tug of war session travelled even to technological seams.
This rivalry continued on (despite, literally, the entire hospital's annoyance) until you eventually lost it.
It was a Friday night.
A party was held in the lounge. The younger mechs had set the celebration up to mark the lethargic end of July. Of course, since you’re invited to the party, the two came along despite not being known as party-dwellers themselve. So, it was quite a sight for the young mechs to see.
You thought they’d tone down the hostility a little and even warm up with how much time they spnd trying to one up the other. That's enough months to start a relationship, God damnit. Unfortunately, you’re not able to drink freely without the two mechs pushing against your personal space. Prodding, blabbering away about how skimpy your outfit looked. You're wearing your uniform.
At some point you drink in defeat, squished between their two frames as either tries to stop you from drinking your misery out while the other eggs you on with another bottle.
After the party they insisted dragging you back to their quarters. You’re not even halfway into your room when they start bickering again.
“Don’t you have anything better to do, Prowl?” His name is a venomous jab in the guise of a forced, seething smile. “Your presence in the hospital is unnecessary as the security guard up front. A mandatory monitor check doesn’t require you here all the time. If i didn’t know any better, you’re deliberately trying to distract them so they’ll end up in your berth.”
You hold back a vomit as Pharma nabs you into his hold, the alcohol seething your veins aren’t doing much for your psyche and you stare dumbly at the floor, wanting to retch over it.
”I’m checking up on my partner.” Prowl stands his ground then tugs you into his chest again, “Doesn’t have anything to do with you, Jet-fuel.”
“Oh, it does, actually.” Another tug back, “ It’s called harassment and I'm going to report to your superiors for pestering one of my medics.’’
“Your medic?” He scoffs. “You’re a sad sorry bunch who’s got no chicks up his ass. If I didn’t know any better you’re manipulating them into caving into a newly registered scheme. A play toy, plaything, exhausted for pleasure. Don’t think I know you used to work with the D.J.D, Jet-fuel.”
“Call me that one more time and I’ll ensure your processor isn’t he only thing I’m dislodging from that helm."
“Illegal malpractice of surgery is an offense. Is that a threat, Jet-fuel?”
“Oh, you’ll see, Officer. You’ll see just how skilled I am with my Servos.”
They’re both at already each other’s throat, servos clenched, door wings, jet-wings flaring and blasters at the ready. The Engex they’ve ingested earlier only prompted the hostile ambience and as they were about to—
“Why won’t you both fuck me already!?”
In a fit of annoyance, inebriation and stupidity, the three horsemen of your misery, the words left your lips before you even think. They stop bickering and it felt like forever as they did a 180 , full, joints creaking swivel of a ‘What did you just say???’ baffled expression thrown at your direction.
But you’re still seething and only then you’ve realized your slip-up, you’re a crumpled mess on the floor, palms wide and open, clutching your face that’s unrelentingly burning. Pharma looks like he's been kicked in the crotch and Prowl looks like he's seen God.
Kill me. Kill me. Kill me. Kill me.
“Both of us, hm?” You hear Pharma muse and whether or not Prowl is considering the prospect, all you want to do as of now, is to rot in this hole you dug for yourself.
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writersblockedx · 1 year
Text
Loose Ends: Chapter One
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Chapter One: Insects
Based off - Episode One Pairing - Joel Miller x Fem!Reader Warnings - General violence, language, a good bit of angst  Words - 6.3k
A/n - Hello! Welcome to my the last of us rewrite! I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to write this as I’ve never tried to start a rewrite without having watched the full series first. I’m hopping everything I’ve planned for the reader’s character works out and I hope you enjoy it!
⇨ Next Chapter Read on: AO3 Wattpad
Masterlist
There was a hasher side to having the job Y/n did. But, the bad things were lucky they didn't weigh out the good. She had a job that not many could replace. At least, not yet. She may not occupy the great muscle that soldiers did but she held knowledge above a college level. Without, any sort of school system left standing, Y/n was a rarity many had fought over. Though, she found herself settled in Boston for the last ten years.
A very long, a very complicated ten years.
She wiped the used needle, putting it back in its box of the remaining free that they had no choice but to keep using over and over. The woman turned, halted by the figure standing in the doorway between the hall and her makeshift office. She shifted and her expression turned sour as a huff fell from her lips, "I thought you were avoiding me."
Joel was leant against the door frame, hands in his pockets ever so lazily. "Apparently Doctor Davis is unavailable." He informed as his gaze guided along her. "And I'm in need of pharmaceutical resources."
She shook her head, "Doctor Davis was demoted because he failed inventory. Lost some painkillers and couldn't explain it. We came to the conclusion a smuggler was behind it." The man tensed. "Whatever it is you want Joel, I'm not helping you."
"What about a check-up?" He pressed.
"You want a check-up?" She gestured to a group behind him, analysing some lab work, yet they lacked the lab coat that hung around Y/n's shoulders. "Get one of the junior doctors to do it for you."
Joel glanced back at them and scoffed, "You mean your little science projects?" He raised a brow which seemed to taunt the woman.
She walked from the middle of the room towards the door. And even with him towering over her, her stern expression didn't dare to break. "I'm not giving you anything, I'm not helping you. So whatever has brought you here after a year, I can't do-"
"It's Tommy." He interjected, his gaze falling down to meet hers. Her lips shut. "Its been three weeks. He hasn't responded."
Y/n thought on it for a moment but the second her eyes met with Joel's, he knew it was a lost cause. "That's got nothing to do with me anymore, just like you don't."
He peered behind him, catching sight of the working group once again. He looked back and leaned in slightly, his words only a hushed whisper, "I know you don't owe me anything, but-"
"You're right." She cut him off like her tongue were a knife. "I don't owe you anything. I'm sure you or Tess will figure something out." It took Y/n a lot, but she looked him in the eye and she swore all she could see was a flicker of a memory she had forced herself to forget. "Now, if you don't mind, I've got somewhere to be."
But Joel nodded and took the rejection in his stride as he turned his back to her and exited the building.
Y/n wasn't lying. She had somewhere to be. Somewhere she needed to be desperately in fact. She left the building with a bag of her usual medical supplies. This was her third time sneaking around in the last week; she was surprised no guards had started to catch on. Then again, as Joel had once put, the white lab coat she wore seemed to open every door and drew any attention away from her.
She took the same route. Though, as organised with Marlene, never the same time. Y/n's lab coat couldn't quite hide her from everything, she still had to be smart. She slipped into the Fireflies building, unnoticed and, seemingly, safely.
There were a few people dotted around, all of them tightly focused on their individual tasks.Y/n didn't have to walk far until coming across Marlene, likely planning within the space of her own head. "Hey," The woman greeted, wandering around the table where maps were laid out. She jolted a little, only settling when her gazed settled on Y/n. "Jesus, what's up with you?"
Marlene huffed as she looked back to the papers scattered beneath her, "Got some new resources coming in before we move." She informed.
"Since when did that put you on edge?" The other girl questioned.
She finally pulled her gaze from her maps, finding her palms settling on her hips. "Since it's a new smuggler whose delivering."
Y/n nodded her head in realisation, "Ah, right." She uttered before her eyes pulled to a door situated across from them. "You spoke to her yet?"
Marlene looked to the door too, "Yeah. Once we get this stuff, we're gone." Y/n met the gaze of her friend and found a glint of regret surged through her pupils. "You can still come if you want."
She flashed an apathetic smile, "You know I can't." As much as she may have wished she could. "I'm the only doctor they've got left in this zone."
"What happened to Davis?"
Y/n could have laughed. In fact, she almost did, "Helping Joel smuggle painkillers." By the expression Marlene wore, she wasn't all that surprised by such. "I'd go with you if I could, but you can get her out of here and you keep her safe better than anyone else ever could."
Marlene shifted in her stance, her expression softening, "You can still come with us. We'll find somewhere with better medical supplies, somewhere that's safe-"
"Marlene," The girl cut in. "Nowhere is 100% safe, I think here is the best place for me." She went on, taking a cautious step forward as her voice lowered, suddenly aware of the ears which could be listening in. "There will be other scientists, other medics, whatever you need will be out there to maybe do something." She assured.
"We'll miss you." She sent a smile which was easily returned.
"I know." Y/n was already walking out the room as she continued, "How long have I got to do vitals?"
"Dealer should be here in five."
Y/n nodded in understanding and fully turned, heading for the room Ellie was still stuck in. As she had been doing for two weeks now, the girl entered the room with her bag of medical supplies and a smile she hoped would comfort the kidnapped girl. Ellie wore the same clothes she came in. Yet, now, she was freed from the chain which once kept her here, along with having her bag returned to her.
At the sound of the door opening, Ellie stood, relaxing only a little when Y/n walked further into the room. "You're still here." She observed with knitted brows as if she hadn't expected it.
Y/n unzipped her bag, pulling out the damaged and remaining supplies she had. "What? You miss me?"
"That lady-" She gestured her head towards the doorway.
"Marlene?" Y/n questioned.
To which, Ellie nodded and continued, "Said I was leaving. I wasn't expecting the FEDRA doctor to come with me."
"I'm not coming with you." She broke to the younger girl.
Something of which seemed to insight panic, "You're not?"
Still, with that comforting smile which wasn't doing a brilliant job, Y/n shook her head. "I can't." She started walking further into the room. "Come on, sit, I still need to check your vitals before you go."
Ellie wasn't certain but she took to the floor as Y/n did. The woman reached for the blood pressure machine and as she always did, she turned to find Ellie had already rolled up her sleeve. "What will you do now then?" Inquired the girl.
Y/n didn't look away as she strapped the machine around her arm, turning it on as it started to squeeze against her skin. "Nothing different." She answered mindlessly.
She waited until the machine relaxed around her arm before continuing, "You know they tell stories about you at military school."
The older woman barely looked up from jotting down the results as she answered, "And do you bother to believe them?"
Ellie shrugged, "Some are a bit far-fetched." She thought aloud with a hum as Y/n reached for a thermometer. And, as had become routine, Ellie looked to the side as Y/n scanned her ear. "Mainly the ones that call you a murderer."
She chuckled, "And what are they becoming in military school I wonder." The thermometer beeped and Y/n pulled it back. Once again, noting down the results. "I wish I could come with you, you know." She admitted.
"Then why don't you?"
Y/n thought on it for a moment. She thought about avoiding the answer all together but that curious glint in Ellie's eyes seemed to insight her. "Because them stories you've heard, they travel further then your little military school."
The younger girl was about to give a reply when the mutterings from outside the door got louder. At first, Y/n wasn't going to pay much attention to them. That was until she caught the words woven between the sudden sharp tones. "This wasn't what we agreed." Yelled Marlene.
A sickening scoff was sounded, "Oh, was it not?" Taunted another voice. Y/n wasn't certain, but she made an assumption it was the new smuggler. Obviously not one to be trusted by the sound of things.
She glanced back to Ellie who was listening just as intently as she were. "Stay here." Y/n instructed.
Ellie watched with wide eyes as the woman slowly crept closer to the doorway, keeping low to the floor as to not give away her location. Well, more importantly, as to not give away Ellie's location. She peered her head around the doorway, lucky to find most backs faced her. The smuggler and his fellow guard dogs were talking to Marlene and a few other loitering fireflies.
"Look, I don't know what your plan is here, but either you're going to get what we actually agreed on or we're gonna have a problem." Said Marlene.
She scanned the various smugglers. Their ripped and ragged clothes. And then the pistols which hung from their belts, accompanied with shivs and other blades. A part of her worried for the woman who was facing the group, but Y/n knew Marlene could handle herself. And while she was certain Ellie could too, she took the decision to protect her.
With a sharp inhale, Y/n delicately pressed the door shut, holding her back against it. She met Ellie who had still yet to move from her spot. "You got a gun in that backpack of yours?" She questioned, quietly, gesturing to the bag which was near the girl.
The girl didn't speak. Instead, she rummaged through the bag and pulled out a very small pocket knife. Not a gun, not a dagger, just a small, blunt pocket knife. Y/n could have sworn they were dead there and then.
"I don't think that's how this is gonna work!" Snapped the male voice, immediately followed by the sound of gunshots.
Y/n stiffed and her gaze jumped to Ellie. She gestured her head for the girl to come next to her. She followed, scurrying across the wooden floor as her back leant aginst the door like Y/n's did.  The sounds of bodies getting hit and thrown jumbled with groans of pain. Y/n reached out her palm as Ellie passed the only thing they had to protect themselves. She had no plan on moving from this room. She would wait it out. The only problem which plagued her was if they dared to look in the locked room.
Alas, long moments passed of holding their breath before the gun shots dwindled out. The sound of movement was limited to the sound of body's dropping and suddenly, the only noise from outside their room was the mumbles and groans that Y/n struggled to make out. "Is it over?" Whispered Ellie from her side.
The younger girl was looking up at her for assurance that she was unable to give. So Y/n kept her gaze to the floor as she focused on every sound she could catch. "I don't know yet."
The groaning continued and Y/n thought about escaping the comfort of the room which was keeping them hidden. Then came the footsteps. More than just a pair and that was enough to keep her body and Ellie's behind the door. "Shit," She heard Marlene curse. Another voice replied in a soothing tone which told her the girl was safe.
"It's Marlene." Ellie noted, worry glazing her pupils as the two looked to one another.
"I know." Y/n huffed.
"Well, aren't we going to do something?"
The expression written over the woman's face gave Ellie her answer. She wasn't going to do something. Not yet, anyway. So in an act of desperation, Ellie snatched her pocket knife back and busted the door open.
"Ellie, don't!" Her voice screeched. Y/n scurried to her feet, attempting to grasp the young girl, but she had slipped from her fingers.
Though by the time the words had slipped from her tongue, Ellie had been thrown to the floor again and Y/n found herself faced with the barrel of a gun. A gun that was held by Joel Miller. "Y/n?" Questioned Joel as if he didn't quite believe it.
And, in a similar fashion, she did the same, "Joel?" Their eyes both snapped to the end of the hallway where Marlene was stumbling with a gunshot wound, held in a steady position by Kim.
Then Y/n's eyes jumped to Ellie and her expression simply read: Told you so. Y/n looked passed the gun that was still held at her head, "Ellie? You okay?" She asked, glancing between the weapon and the teenage girl.
She hummed something along the lines of a, "Yeah." before reaching out for the pocket knife, almost bruising her fingers as Joel stepped on it, keeping it from use.
"Ellie." Called Marlene. At first, the girl seemed too captivated with sending a death glare to Joel that she hadn't dared to turn away. "Ellie." Marlene repeated, more stern and forceful than before, prompting her to finally look away.
Her eyes found Marlene's face first, then they jolted to the blood which was drowning her t-shirt. "Oh, shit!"
Marlene hovered a hand in front of her as if silently saying it was okay. "No, it's okay. I'll be alright." She lowered her gun. "You can't be stupid like this."
"Trust me," Y/n spoke up. "I'd tried to stop her." The two were like scolding parents with a disruptive child.
Y/n only caught a glance, but a glance was enough to process the puzzled, tender emotion that was painted over Joel's face. Even if he had yet to move that gun from her. "So this is who Robert screwed us over with?" Came another voice as they rounded the corner: Tess. "The Che Guevara of Boston and the FEDRA medic turned firefly?" She scoffed as if it were laughable. "War must be going pretty shitty for you to buying from scumbags like him."
Y/n found her eyes rolled but her lips stayed tied shut while Marlene replied, "Yeah, it kinda has been. Merch was bad and he didn't take fuck off for an answer." Which would explain the voices her and Ellie had overheard before the gunshot started.
"What about you?" Y/n's gaze jumped between Joel and Tess. "The hell are you doing here?"
Tess snapped back before Joel could, "None of your business."
"Give me my knife." Demanded the voice from below.
The voice of which had been ignored. "What do you need a car battery for?" Joel interrogated.
Ellie moved when she shouldn't have. Maybe the fact she was ignored had prompted her on as she reached for her knife anyway. Thus, leading to the gun once pointed at Y/n to point at her. Marlene and Kim both raised their weapons. And with nothing else, Y/n swiftly pulled the shiv from Joel's belt, swinging it around his throat.
It hovered over his skin just as the gun hovered over Ellie's forehead. "Don't point it at her." She stated in a slow, firm tone which had seemed to send a shiver down Joel's spine.
He didn't dare move. So he gave a harsh whisper in reply, "Then where the fuck am I meant to point it?"
"I don't care." She said. "Just not at her."
So, with that, Joel's hand moved. Rather than point to Marlene or Kim, Y/n felt it prod below her ribs. Sharp and prominent that it made the thought of breathing fearsome. "Why do you need the car battery?" He asked again.
This time, Y/n felt obliged to answer, "For a much better reason than you do." He pushed the gun further into her skin and she tensed.
Luckily, Marlene swept in to continue, "Tommy's just one man." She felt the gun relax slightly at the mention of Joel's brother. "It's our business to know things."
"To know things." The man reiterated. "You're the cause of it. You turned my own brother against me."
"Not the only reason." Y/n mumbled, expecting that to cause Joel to push the gun against her skin again. Alas, it seemed to just keep his lips sewn shut.
Within the silence, Kim brought everyone back to current matters at hand, "That was a lot of gun fire. FEDRA's gonna be on their way." As if they didn't already have enough to deal with.
"I know." Marlene nodded.
Y/n looked over Joel's shoulder, "What do we do now?" It was obvious Marlene was stuck in a thought. A thought of which she didn't seemed to like. "Marlene?"
She sighed but let on such thought, "We were going to move Ellie out of the zone tonight. But we won't make it anywhere like this. Not for a while." She explained. "So now I'm thinking, you're gonna do it."
The shock from both parties encouraged them to pull away as the shiv left Joel's neck and the gun left Y/n's ribs. Spontaneously, together, there came a chorus of negative responses:
"What? Marlene-"
"I'm not going with them!"
"The hell we are."
Glances were shared between the three of them; all of which opposed this very stupid idea. "Who is she?" Tess inquired, considering this deal.
"To you, she's cargo." Suppose that was how they were sure to look at this.
"We don't smuggle people." Said Joel.
Kim looked over at Marlene and offered, "I can do it."
That was instantly shut down by the wounded woman, "Kim you don't have a fucking ear on your fucking head." And that plan went out the window just as quickly as it had come in. "There's a team of fireflies waiting for her at the old State House. We were going with a whole squadron for that very reason. But now I don't have a squadron or a truck. FEDRA's five minutes away. What I do have is you."
Maybe it was practical, but it was still a stupid idea with how delicate they must handle this situation. "Why can't Y/n take me?" Ellie queried.
Tess had scoffed at the idea of that as she stared at the doctor, "Because she's got no idea how to survive without these walls which keep her precious prestige."
She could only reply to Tess with a deadly glare that did nothing. But as she looked back to Joel, she spoke up, "I know what you're both capable off." A glint passed through the man's eyes that she couldn't pinpoint. "For better or for worse."
"What are they capable of?" Came that vulnerable voice from below.
Y/n's gaze flickered to Ellie before back to Joel, "We can give you what you need to find Tommy, not just the battery."
Marlene backed that up, "Just get her to that house safely."
It seemed they were on the brink of a deal when Ellie had to throw in a curve ball. "I'm not going without one of you." She was peering over at Marlene and Y/n, that worry still lingering in her pupils which sparked guilt.
"I'll just slow you down." Marlene pointed out, still having that gushing red pool at the fabric of her shirt.
So then eyes landed to Y/n. The automatic answer of 'I can't' didn't seem to follow. Not when she was facing Ellie's desperation to feel secure with someone she could trust. And it took her a long moment before she sucked it up, "Okay, I'll go with you." She decided.
"Y/n-" Marlene was about to remind her of what she already knew, about what could be awaiting her out there if she wasn't careful.
"It's okay." Y/n assured.
"Well this will be a first." Critiqued Tess. Again, something that had earnt her a glare from Y/n as she was left with nothing else to respond with.
The couple soon met eyes, Joel nodding his head before they trailed over to have a silent conversation. Y/n took that as her chance to move over to Ellie, handing the knife back over to her. "Talk it through but please remember I'm bleeding out over here!" Yelled Marlene.
That seemed enough to draw their ever so important conversation to a close. "Alright, here's the deal." Tess started as she spun on her heels to face the group. "The three of us will get her to your crew at the state house but before we hand her over, they give us everything that we want. If not, we kill her. There and then." As in true Tess fashion.
And, almost too quickly, "Deal." Agreed Marlene.
"Really?" Ellie uttered. "That fast?"
"You are all that matters." Marlene said. "My team will not jeopardise that."
Y/n helped the girl back up to her feet, "Come on, lets get your stuff." She gave one more glance to Joel and Tess before wandering back into the room.
Ellie grabbed her backpack and Y/n stuffed her medical supplies back into her bag. By the time they exited the room, Marlene was by the doorway, offering a pistol to Y/n. "Just in case." She uttered.
She glanced between the weapon and the woman who had grown to become her friend. "Do I get one?" Ellie beamed.
In synch, they both snapped back, "No." Before Y/n took the offer, shoving it in the waistband of her jeans.
"You stay safe out there." Was the last thing Marlene said to her before her and Ellie were trailing behind the smugglers. Joel took one last stare and Y/n overheard Marlene as she practically threatened the man, "Don't fuck this up."
There came no reply from Joel. Instead, he must have nodded his head and continued on with the rest of them. They tread through the pouring rain. Pace in their step as they walked against the curfew. Ellie was smart. Any whiff of a solider and she had her face hidden. Right up until they entered an apartment complex.
Tess led the way, stopping at what Y/n assumed to be their apartment, unlocking it. She slipped in first and held the door open. Ellie wandered in first, her curious eyes translating between this new surrounding. And Y/n followed her. Which was when Tess moved. "Give us a minute." She stepped back through the doorway, and before either of them could realise what was happening, the door was slammed right in their faces.
"What the fuck!" Exclaimed the young girl, while Y/n found it to be expected. Tess had never particularly warmed to her.
Ellie huffed as her back hit the wall. Y/n took further steps into this apartment that wasn't her own, but seemed to have speckles of her memory. Most memories which had Joel attached to them. The blanket they had once shared, the old board games she had been adamant they kept, the books which words were rich, but their pages were lacking in such as they started to tear. As Y/n kept walking, her eyes fell to the paper insect that hung by the window.
The cutout butterfly glistened against the street lights, it's colours reflecting into the room. It was a haunting memory of someone Y/n was still certain came as a comfort to Joel. "Do you trust them?" Ellie questioned, finally moving from the wall she had once been leaning against.
Y/n peered away from the butterfly, "I trust Joel's need to find his brother." Their voices still lingered outside. When the girl looked to Ellie, she was sat in a deadpanned expression, urging for more information. To which, Y/n obliged. "For now, I trust them. I'll let you know if it changes."
Ellie started snooping herself. Though, not for what parts of her might still linger in this room, but for what she could use as leverage. Something better than a blunt pocket knife, she hoped. "How do you know 'em?" She wondered as her fingertips tranced a bookshelf by the window.
"Old friends." Y/n uttered and Ellie hummed in response as if she didn't quite believe her but didn't bother to pester further into the topic.
"Tess!" Yelled Joel's voice from the other side of the wall. Y/n turned, facing the door which was still closed on them. Then she looked to Ellie who was flicking through a music book. "Tess!" He repeated.
Soon after, he entered the room, clearly not in any better of a mood. He threw his bag to the side and headed for the couch without muttering a woad. "So?" Ellie spoke up. "Who's Bill and Frank?"
His eyes widened slightly before meeting Y/n who had seated herself in the armchair by the window. "Didn't I tell you she's good at eavesdropping?" The woman raised a brow.
Ellie continued on: "The radios a smuggling code, right?"
Again, Joel looked to Y/n for an answer. "Or that's she catches on quickly?"
"60s song they don't have anything new, 70s they've got new stuff." She went on, reading from a note tucked into the thick book. Joel stood from the coach. "What's 80s?"
He snatched it from her hold and threw it to the battered coffee table which was somehow still standing. Then he returned back to the coach, getting comfy against the fabric once again. Y/n was just about to turn her head to the window, when Ellie piped up again. "What are you doing?" She was standing over Joel.
"Killing time." He said without taking a peak back at her.
"Well what am I suppose to do?" She snapped.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out."
Ellie spun, facing Y/n who didn't have any excuse for Joel's unwelcoming ways. She took the book back, dragging a chair over to where Y/n was sitting. "Your watch is broken." She pointed out as if Joel were unaware.
That time, his eyes pulled open, meeting Y/n. They both thought the same thing but neither of them made a move to voice it. Ellie huffed harshly as she sat down, "Why were you friends with him again?" She asked.
Y/n stole one more peak at the man who had shut his eyes again, though was still obviously listening, and she chose it best not to answer. Her gaze pulled to the window as she attempted to wash away the thoughts of the day. She wasn't sure yet if she had just made the worse decision she could, but leaving this zone was the biggest risk she could possibly take. Only time would tell if that risk was going to come back to haunt her.
Hours must have passed. The sun set and curfew was soon enforced. Ellie had shut the song book and joined Y/n in staring out the window like it was the most entertaining thing in the world. Somewhere along the lines, Joel stared to stir back awake. Ellie noticed first, "You mumble in your sleep."
Y/n turned her head, confused as she expected Ellie to be talking to her, only to find her eyes centred on Joel. The man pulled himself up and the young girl continued on with her words, "I've never been on the other side of the wall. Look how dark it is. You guys go out there a lot?"
"I guess." Joel answered, still in between the state of dreams and consciousness.
"When was the last time?"
His eyes flickered to Y/n before he said anything, "A year. Maybe." He shook his head, seeping into a different topic, "What's it matter?"
Ellie shrugged, "You know where to go. So were gonna be okay?"
Silence passed and neither of the adults in the room knew how to answer that question. It seemed a matter of false hope or reality. "Yeah," Y/n finally uttered. "We'll be fine." Or so she prayed they would be.
"What's the deal with you anyway?" Queried Joel. "You some kind of bigwigs daughters or something?"
Y/n replied before giving Ellie the chance, "Since when did you ask questions?" She snapped like the words meant something.
Joel shifted at that, standing from the couch in an act of opposition. "Sorry," He spat back. "I won't do it again." Y/n watched as he turned his back to her, wandering over to the kitchen tables. Suddenly, she was wishing she had given the chance for Ellie to speak first, a guiltly feeling burdened her gut that she knew wasn't going away any time soon.
"Oh, the radio came on while you were sleeping." Uttered the younger girl once tension had sizzled slightly.
Joel snapped back around as Y/n scolded her, knowing where this was going, "Ellie-"
But it was no use, "What?" The man rushed. "What was the song?"
"He kept saying like 'wake me up before you go-go'."
Joel looked down, "Shit." He muttered to himself.
And such had ever so easily given him away. A smile tugged at Ellie's lips as she said, "Gotcha." It was with that when Joel finally caught on too. "80s means trouble. Code broken."
"I did warn you." Y/n added.
The man was about to point his finger and scold the girl just like Y/n usually did when the door swung open again. Tess walked in and all three of them stayed silent. "The spot under Lancaster looks good." She informed before pointing to Ellie. "You got a jacket in your pack?" She nodded and then Tess glanced over to Y/n. "What about you, prestige? Got something other than that lab coat?" Her response was a silent one, the answer given to Tess by the expression which was written over her face. "Of course, you haven't."
Joel was already moving as he spoke, "I'll go get you one from the war-"
Some material hit her chest before he could finish.  The man stopped, seeing as Tess had thrown her one from her bag anyway. No one dared to say anything. Y/n slipped from her lab coat to Tess' jacket within the matter of a moment before she announced, "Let's go." And with that, the rather dysfunctional group exited the apartment, uncertain as to when they would return.
The streets were littered more than usual. Soldiers lined the roads, their guns aimed and trucks patrolling the area. Each of them stayed clear of the light, weaving and tangling through the bodies which could easily catch sight of any of them. They were lucky to get so far. Though, once they were outside of the wall, loitering on the outskirts, it may as well not have been worth it.
Tess led the way, turning a corner they didn't realise was going screw them over. "What the hell?" They all stopped at the voice they didn't recognise as one of their own. They turned, a soldier starring at each of them, all while his zipper was undone.
"Shit," Y/n mumbled, instinctively nudging closer to Ellie.
The man scurried to make himself some-what presentable before addressing the group. "Hey, hey! Don't move!" He threatened and they are raised their hands at the sight of the rifle he grasped. And then he uncovered the front of his helmet, "You got to be shitting me."
Y/n looked to Joel; of course, she should have known. "Okay let's talk this out-"
"Turn around!" Suppose he wasn't in a talking mood. "Get on your fucking knees!" He demanded when none one of them moved.
"Now, hold on-" Joel tried again.
And again, he failed. "What did I fucking tell you man? Stay the fuck home."
Y/n glancd to the man, "Glad to know you shared that information with the group." She huffed.
"Get on your knees!" He ordered again.
This time, Tess moved. "Just get on your knees." The woman said. And they followed her, dropping to the dirt and mud. "Listen you let us do this run, we'll split the cards with you."
"Oh, will you?"
She nodded, "Yeah."
But Tesss' plan hadn't worked. He laughed and gave her the sarcastic reply of, "I'm so blessed." Which was followed by, "Put your hands on your head. Eyes forward."
"Really man?" Y/n looked across the line to Tess who was being tested.
Shit. Her eyes widened, soon to meet an equally worrisome Ellie. "Yep." Said the soldier. "We're doing this by the book." The machine beeped and Y/n knew her and Joel were all that stood between Ellie's life and the soldier.
"Alright, how about three-quarters?" Tess still nagged.
"Joel?" Y/n leaned over, her voice low in hopes to not gain the soldier's attention.
He looked between her and Tess a few times before finally listening, "What?"
"Unauthorised exit." Continued the guard.
"I didn't tell you everything." Y/n spoke up to Joel, lucky the guard was too focused on the beeping machine in front of him.
Joel's brows became knitted, struggling to follow her words in such dire situation. "They'll hang you for that." Informed the soldier as he moved behind the man.
"Fine!" Said Joel, bypassing Y/n's words for a moment. "Everything from this run and half off on the pills."
The machine beeped, followed by a scoff from the soldier. "Half of?" He reiterated like it was pitiful. He moved to behind Y/n as he responded, "All off!"
Y/n slowly brought her eyes to meet the man next to her. Her pupils empty as she knew what awaited them. And in that moment of complete uncertainty, she could only say one thing. "Joel." Her words were drowning in the type of fear he had only ever heard her say once before. And that's when he realised something was truly wrong.
The machine beeped behind her head before the soldier moved on to Ellie. Y/n couldn't take another breath. Not until she heard the soldier groan and stumble. The four stood to their feet, watching as the blunt pocket knife was soon shoved into the man's thigh. "Ellie!" Y/n snapped.
And while the girl had lept for Ellie, Joel lept for the guard. The rifle was soon pointed right at him. "Woah woah, we can fix this." Said Joel in the calmest tone he could muster in that moment.
The soldier gave one order: "Move."
And Joel didn't listen to it. He jumped forward, tackling him to the ground. The rifle was thrown to one side. Once given the upper hand, Joel started punching. And punching. He didn't stop until the breath from the guard's mouth did.
He slowed. He realised. And then he rose, turning to face what was left. Y/n was holding Ellie who seemed curious at the violence which had occurred. Not scared, just curious. He looked up and down between that sight and his bloody hand. There were thoughts plaguing his mind. Enough that  it had pulled Y/n forward, as softly, she called, "Joel?"
It was more of a question, a prompt for assurance which wasn't given in return. She stepped closer to him until he was only looking at her. "Are you okay?"
He never got the chance to answer. "Joel! Joel!" Screamed a panicked voice from behind them.
Tess was showing the machine, the blinking red machine which meant infected. "I'm not sick!" Ellie claimed.
"Tess, you don't get it." Y/n went on as she jumped to protect Ellie once again.
"Look!" The younger girl yelled, rolling up her sleeve and the wound which painted her forearm. "This is three weeks old!" Tess inspected it herself. "Nobody lasts more than a day. This look a day old to you?"
Y/n went on to add, "You have to trust us Tess. Why else would the fireflies and a doctor be working together?" Tess seemed to be coming around to the idea. "Why are we all trying so hard to keep her fucking safe? Huh? We need to go, alright?"
The sirens made clear of that plan of action. Y/n took a hold of Ellie and Tess started to lead the way once again. "Joel!" Y/n yelled and the man glanced at her. "Come on, we gotta go!"
It took him a moment. He stared between the body and the girls which were already leaving before he started walking, grabbing the rifle as he did so. He joined the side of the woman he once loved as they followed the one he did love and the dead girl walking.
--
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alpaca-clouds · 2 months
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Let me use Astarion as an excuse to talk about CPTSD
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You know what? I think this might be a good moment to talk about CPTSD and how Astarion really is a textbook example of someone with CPTSD (though it is very likely that basically our entire main cast of characters in BG3 is suffering from it to some degree, they just are less textbook in their presentation).
Let me start with a simple question: What is CPTSD?
CPTSD is the shortened version of Complex PTSD, or rather Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. So, to dumb it down: It is like CPTSD, but it sucks a lot more.
While normally PTSD is caused by one traumatic event (like having a car accident, seeing a loved one die, being subjected to random violence at some point), while CPTSD is caused by a traumatic situation that goes on for a while or repeats several times. In the western world, we see a lot of CPTSD in survivors of parental abuse or intimate partner abuse. Aka, traumatic situations that went on for a longer while. You will also find CPTSD in some people from marginalized groups, as the traumatic situation of discrimination is constantly repeating. And of course you will find it in survivors of war or similar ongoing events.
PTSD will often lead to having triggers related to the trauma, showing avoidance behavior towards possibly triggering situations. It might also lead to flashbacks, nightmares, and a raised awareness/carefulness, often especially regarding relations with other people (though this might depend on the traumatic event it stems from).
CPTSD will have all of that, but often in more complex ways (as a longer experience will allow for complex triggers to develop - and a lot more situa´tions to become triggers as well), but it will also lead to a difficulty to regulate emotions, a general mistrust towards other people, inability to have healthy relationships, prolonged moments of dissociations, a generally negative perception of the world and events, feelings of worthlessness and internalized shame.
It should also be noted that in many cases the symptoms of CPTSD only start showing, once the traumatized person is removed from the traumatizing situation.
Neurally the reason for CPTSD is basically, that the nervous system is put into a prolonged survival mode. Which is also why the symptoms often trigger after the survivor is removed trauma inducing situation.
And, oh look, it is Astarion lol
Looking at the character from this perspetive, you really see pretty much all the symptoms in him.
Does he struggle with regulating his emotions? Fuck yeah, he does. He tries to regulate them, but he very often fails at it.
Does he get triggered by some situations? Yeah, it does. (You get that especially when you play his origin.)
He is super mistrustful towards other people - which is also why he does not intermingle with other people that much.
His view of most things as negative is also fairly clear - I also would argue that his "let's kill some puppies and kittens" behavior is also very closely connected to this.
And that he struggles with feelings of worthlessness and shame is again something that is found in the text.
He really is a very textbook example of CPTSD, which also brings me back to what I already talked about this week: Both CPTSD and PTSD will permanently change the nervous system. Which as far as we know will never quite go away. (Like, not to be a nerd, but there has been some recent research, that has shown that certain medication might permanently eleviate some symptoms - but not heal it totally.) It is basically scars from a nervous injury, if you wanna think of it like that.
You can however learn to live with the symptoms and learn techniques to regulate them. If you have read any of my Tavstarion stories (like this one), I bring some of those techniques into that. Stuff like breathing techniques or techniques to get your brain out of a flashback spiral (like consciously perceiving your surroundings). But to learn to deal with it, you also need to confront the trauma, which is probably the hardest thing to get Astarion to do, because he seems to be very avoidant. Like, his entire "I need to ascend" thingie is all avoidant behavior. Basically, he wants all that power that comes with ascending to prevent him from ever ending up in a situation that would be in any way similar to his trauma again.
But even if he does not ascend, there is a good chance he will still show a lot of avoidant behavior in the future.
When I write him, there is a reason that I do not have him leave home for a good seven months outside of what he has to do (like feeding). Which is very typical avoidant behavior.
The thing is that often trauma and especially CPTSD is not always the very big reactions - though those might be there too - but a lot of those more muted things. Avoiding going outside. Avoiding new situations. Being just a bit anxious. Feeling that nice things are done with bad intentions. Things like that.
Just, you know... A heads up.
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imaginemalereader · 1 year
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Anonymous request: Imagine being Clint Barton’s trans son
Sometimes it was hard to have an Avenger for a dad. For once, that wasn’t actually the hardest part. Him being away a lot had actually made part of this easier. It gave you more time to plan and prepare.
You thought about a letter, an email, a text. Ultimately you decided against them all though. You wanted to tell him face to face. You still wrote out a lot of what you wanted to say but you didn’t want to be reading off a script when you talked to him either.
When he got back from the latest mission, he and Natasha came back to the house. It had been an easy one they said, by Avengers standards of course. Once you were sure that everyone was safe and still as mentally stable as they had been when they left, you asked to pull your dad aside for a minute.
“What’s going on kid?” He asked. He could tell you were nervous, you were fidgety and looked from him and then away and back several times.
“Dad there’s something I need to tell you. About me.”
“Are you okay? Has someone-” His mind raced to a hundred bad things that could be going on before you cut him off.
“I’m fine. I’m just, I’m just not who you always thought I was.”
Was it bad that his first thought was that you were secretly an Asgardian sent to Earth as a baby or something like that?
You read the confusion on his face and quickly continued speaking.
“Dad I’m transgender. I’m a boy. And I want you to call me [Y/N] and your son and a brother and-”
This time you were the one cut off as your dad pulled you into a hug. You wrapped your arms tightly around him and even though you were happy and relieved, you were fighting back tears.
“Son, daughter, anything else. it doesn’t matter buddy. I love you.”
“Thanks dad.” He could here that you were choked up and held you a little tighter.
“Should we go tell your Aunt Nat while she’s here, or do you want to wait?”
“We can tell her now.” You said. 
Your dad let you drop the hug first and stepped back when you let him go.
“Are you okay?” He noticed your eyes were watery but he didn’t want to press you.
“Yeah, I’m good. Happy.”
 He put a hand on your shoulder and guided you back out to the porch where Nat had gone to wait for the two of you so she wouldn’t accidentally overhear anything.
“Aunt Nat?”
“You both good?” She asked, picking up that both of you had been near tears moments ago.
“Yeah we’re good. Aunt Nat, I’m trans. Could you call me [Y/N]?”
Natasha smiled, then put on a fake frown.
“Clint you’re subtracting from my niece tally.”
Your dad smiled and you laughed.
“Sorry to disappoint.” You smiled.
“I guess I can live with it.” She sighed, winking at you.
With those two out of the way, telling the rest of the Avengers was easy. Your dad brought you to the compound and helped you tell everyone and educate them. Thor needed the most help with terminology but everyone was very supportive. Tony immediately had Jarvis update your records and pronouns in the system.
Everyone was lovely about it, truly.
But your dad was on a whole other level, rivaled possibly only by Natasha. Around the house, you got a Nerf gun to correct people if they misgendered or dead-named you. The idea caught on and soon all the Avengers found themselves shot with little darts if they got it wrong. Everyone became remarkably fast learners.
Your dad doesn’t do much press, not like Steve or Tony, but it makes you smile every time he talks proudly about his son.
He made arrows with trans colors on them that spew colored smoke and disorient a person. You helped him design them after all the gender reveal party fails you saw online.
He’s not so good at dealing with all the bureaucratic nonsense that is the American healthcare system, but it’s impressive what doors being an Avenger opens. If/when you decided you want to pursue medical transition, he’s very supportive. Hormones, surgery, he’s got your back through it all. 
The first year after you came out, you asked him to take you to pride. You ended up getting a little more than you asked for.
It started out just the two of you. You walked around, saw the booths. Your dad was happy to see you happy. You got some merch, and your dad bought himself some stuff as well. He asked you questions, you guys talked to people. It was nice, and pretty low-key all things considered.
After some time wandering, you saw a collection of familiar faces approaching.
“I hope you don’t mind, I invited them to join us.” Them of course meant the rest of the Avengers, some of whom stuck out more than others. They all wore varying degrees of pride gear, from Natasha who wore a black shirt with an abstract design in trans colors, to Tony who had gone full rainbow.
The now large group of you walked through the festival together, with everyone talking and laughing. Some asked you questions about words or flags or memes that were unfamiliar. Thor had a lot of questions about how he had become a lesbian icon and what his duties entailed.
At the end of the day, you all went your separate ways.
“Was that good?” Your dad asked as he drove you both home.
“Yeah it was. Thank you for taking me, and for coming, and for inviting them. It was fun.”
“I don’t think I’ve actually said it to you yet, but I’m proud of you. Not just for this, because I know coming out and that is hard. But I’m proud of you. My son. I’m proud of the man you’re growing into.”
You smiled. You wished your dad could be around more, selfishly, but more than that, you were proud of what he did and who he was. You wanted to be like him in so many ways.
“Thanks dad. I love you.”
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At this point trans people are coping hard as fuck and lying out of their asses to stay delusional. That girl claiming that you can change sexes is coping big time LMAO. At some point it actually gets sad because there has to be something mentally going wrong to actually think it’s possible to change your sex. How do these people convince themselves that as long as they’re taking horse pee medication and synthetic hormones they’re changing their sex??? If she really thinks that she no longer has a female reproductive system and somehow no longer produces large gametes then there’s something seriously wrong upstairs…
It’s hard to have sympathy for people blatantly lying like that smh.
I think a lot of them are mentally vulnerable people who have been failed by medical professionals who should know better tbh. Anyone who thinks they are changing their sex by taking hormones should not have been allowed to take said hormones in the first place
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copperbadge · 1 year
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Having ADHD and Being A Little Punk Rock
So....a huge amount of the discourse on Tumblr around neurodiversity generally is just venting. Which is good, it’s good to vent and Tumblr is a good place for it. And I know that often, when venting, the LAST thing you want to hear is someone trying to offer help or solutions. So generally I keep my mouth shut unless someone is speaking to me specifically. 
But a while back I saw someone asking (rhetorically) about what people with ADHD wish their parents had known, and I had a lot of thoughts about that which I started jotting down. Reading the various ADHD tags, I also see a lot of teens and twentysomethings with ADHD who visibly have no coping mechanisms and no way of creating them. I don’t blame the kids, and it’s not some kind of personal failing on their part; they’re young, and nobody has taught them. But I look at them and I think, A little sideways thinking would help you out so much. Then, recently, I got an ask (thank you for the permission not to respond directly) that was full of feelings about not being able to process or communicate well, and feeling a lot of negative emotions because of it. 
So, maybe it’s time to just throw this out there. I want to offer some advice as Fandom Dad with forty-three years of being neurodiverse and exactly seven months of actually being aware I was neurodiverse. Which for once is actually going to be pretty helpful! Because I looked at the world and I assumed my own neurotypicality and I thought, well, okay, but fuck all that.
Allow me to explain.  
I think this can apply to a number of ways in which people are neurodiverse, but I have ADHD so that’s what I’m really speaking to here. With ADHD, there’s medication, and I strongly urge people to explore that option because medication is awesome when it works. But there’s also a lot out there about how to try harder, or trick yourself into doing something in a very neurotypical way, or use systems that may not work for you. I know; I tried some too, and the sense of failure, the sense of being an ongoing failure, is terrible. So I want to offer an alternative which has helped me a great deal, and may help other people with ADHD, particularly younger people. 
People of any age, but especially young people who have ADHD, should be made aware that it’s okay to suck at things, to struggle, and to fail. Even if you think you should be good at something, even if everyone around you thinks so too, it’s okay to just be garbage at it and to acknowledge that fact. But just saying “well I’m dumb and can’t do this” of course isn’t actually helpful, and harms you a great deal, because you are a living person with feelings and if you’re self-aware enough to notice, you’re also too smart to be calling yourself dumb. Acknowledging that you’re bad at something, and even acknowledging that you’d like to succeed at it, is only part one of figuring life out.
Part two is deciding what to do about it, and more importantly, how. 
I was always told I was smart, but I was told “You’re smart so you should be able to do this”, not “You’re smart, so let’s come up with a way around this.” I don’t think many people are encouraged to explore why they are bad at something, to understand their own brains and thought processes which cause them to struggle.
Decades before I knew I had ADHD, I had to figure out that one of life’s most important skills is not being able to creatively solve problems but to recognize when you have to. Anyone can sit around and come up with three or four ways to solve a problem, but it’s not actually often taught that you should also be aware of when this is needed. Often, when faced with a problem that is difficult to solve, we’re taught that our reaction should be the socially approved “I just need to try harder”. Sometimes that’s true, but usually it’s not.  
More often, when we feel that instinct, especially as people with ADHD, we should say instead, “I’m not going to try harder, that’s bullshit. I’m trying already. I’m going to find another way to solve this problem.” Trying harder doesn’t work, after all, when your own brain is fighting you.
So you stop and think, if there were no rules to the world, how could I do this? You don’t have to work smarter; a lot of my solutions could reasonably be described as “work dumber”. The point is to work differently in a way that helps you specifically. 
Stop trying to remember to take your keys when you leave the house and get a lanyard and hang them on the doorknob; if you lose them a lot, hang the lanyard around your neck when you leave the house. 
Stop pretending you’ll remember to scoop the litterbox every night and set an alarm that tells you to do it. Or don’t, that works for me but might not for you! Maybe you have to put the litterbox somewhere you’ll see it right before bed (I ALSO do this for the days I turn off the alarm and then promptly forget it happened). 
There are phone charging cords in every room of my home so that I never run down my phone battery, something that is mildly inconvenient to have happen but deeply anxiety-inducing to think about for me. And now I never worry.
The point is, don’t ask how you can do better at something, ask how you can make something easier for you.
Even rewiring your brain to ask the question is a learned skill, though. You have to consciously stop when you find something is fighting you and consciously think, how can this be easier for my specific brain? If we assume I am not stupid but am in fact fighting an invisible monster, how do I make the monster visible? 
Life became roughly 60% easier for me when I started thinking this way. Of all the tips for time management and list making and organizing and de-organizing you can try and implement, none of that is necessary if you know how to ask yourself, “How do I do this differently?” and come up with alternatives that suit your brain. 
Especially with neurodivergence, there’s no “one size fits all” when it comes to handling it, neurologically or emotionally. So I think that it’s important to be a little bit punk rock. Not necessarily in the way of defying authority but in the way of defying convention -- the ability to say “fuck you” to the Way Things Are Done and do one’s own thing is very liberating and healthy. You lose a lot of the benefits of creative problem solving if you’re also ashamed of the solutions. So I think the best trick I know of to succeed despite unmedicated ADHD is just to say “fuck you, there must be an easier way to do this.” 
I’m garbage at cleaning my home (I can say that because I’m not only calling myself garbage, I’m using “I’m bad at this” as a stepping stone to solving the problem, and then I no longer feel like garbage and can joke about it with a healthy ego). I vacuum regularly and do the dishes and such but like...I don’t scrub the floors or dust or wash out the bathtub. That’s part of why I do November Cleaning -- so that at least once a year those things, that I never want to do but always think I should do, get done, but only have to be done once and at a specific designated time. So now if the bathroom floor is a bit grimy in the corners I just think, “Ah -- that’s for November” and add it to my November Cleaning list. 
For my friend who struggles with communication, which is something I also used to really struggle with (and still do in some ways), one of my “make stuff easier” techniques for this was simply to...tell people.
“Hey, I tend to talk really fast when I get excited, so please tell me if I need to slow down.” 
“Sorry, I have some hearing issues, I may ask you to repeat something -- it’s fine just to do it slower, I don’t need louder.” 
“I’m upset and struggling, I need a minute.” (or even just “Hey where’s the bathroom?” so you can sit quietly for a moment and gather your thoughts. If you’re too upset to talk, it also helps to type them out, which I often do.) 
If someone tells me something I want to remember, I’ll get out my phone and say “Sorry, I’m still listening, but I want to write that down so I won’t forget it.” I do all my writing-things-down in Google Tasks, then once I’m somewhere quiet and private I review the notes and move stuff that isn’t actually “to do” to another list. Sometimes I’ll tell someone “I’m so sorry, you just said something and I totally missed it, but it’s important to me -- can you repeat it?” 
Most people find that kind of honesty, where you’re open about why you’re maybe talking at cross-purposes, really charming. It indicates that you think they are important, and you’re putting in effort to hear what they’re saying and respond to it thoughtfully.  
I hope this is helpful in finding ways around some basic problems, rather than through them -- that being able to stop and think “This could be easier -- how?” is something that people can internalize and make use of. Going around a mountain rather than through it might look like it’ll take more time and energy, but it beats trying to punch through granite the whole way there. 
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werewolfcave · 22 days
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GOD OK I was getting my psych degree when it was announced they'd be adding Maruki
and I was sitting here like "Atlus is gonna fumble this so hard i just know it." because in collectivist countries/cultures like japan, you mind your business and don't air out your problems.
AND I WAS RIGHT I WAS SO RIGHT AND IM SO MAD ABOUT IT.
like thanks for making a prominent to the story therapist be a big time bad guy you CLOWNS. BUFFOONS.
Sorry I just. I needed to say! I AGREE hes interesting and I see a lot of traits that would make a good therapist but BOY HOWDY. He makes me so fucking mad the way he was handled lmao
Okay I totally get where you're coming from and do agree framing a therapist in a bad light especially as the first therapist in the series is going to have negative consequences. BUT when I was talking to my own therapist yesterday it occurred to me that Maruki is a genuinely a fascinating critique of the clinical psych field. Because, as my therapist pointed out; "[Maruki] makes you realize how silly and unrealistic the idea of no one experiencing pain is. It makes you stand back and stop idealizing that idea of no one experiencing that pain because it's so absurd and harmful."
I then added onto that by pointing out how a lot of his ideals are a very interesting reflection of the psychology field when you look at it from a Western Standpoint (I am not sure how it is from an Eastern Standpoint I do apologize about that), because in the West we are very caught in the idea of Intervention instead of Prevention, and Maruki is obviously under the same idea.
See the Clinical Psychology field fails when it views things under the medical model, that mental health problems are something one can just "cure". Viewing pain as unique to the individual and that it's something that can be fixed is a very temporary solution. Instead there needs to be prevention, which is focusing on that pain comes from systemic places, and that we need to reform society rather than focus exclusively on individual pain. I will get into how we can tell Maruki is focusing on intervention exclusively in a moment, but first let me further lay out what Intervention vs Prevention is using an excerpt for a Reflection Essay I wrote for my Community Psychology Class:
"The concept of Prevention vs Intervention can best be explained up with a parable often credited to sociologist Irving Zola. The parable tells of man standing on the edge of a river, when suddenly he spots someone drowning. The man jumps into the river and drags the person out, and just when he manages to get that person out, he hears someone else. So he goes in to drag that person out as well. And it repeats. Eventually the man is exhausted and there is still people falling into the river. It is then that he realizes he never even thought to go upstream to check how people were falling in in the first place. This parable tells of the way that intervention by itself will never be truly successful, because there will always be people falling in, and never enough resources to keep pulling people out. This most efficient solution would be to fix whatever is causing people to fall in."
It should be stated that Intervention is not wholly unnecessary, as I go on to say in that same essay:
"Yes there has to be someone who goes upstream to address what is getting people in the river in the first place, but that isn’t possible with someone staying downstream. Because of we yet to prevent the harm from being done, we do still need intervention. To allow the preventionists to do their work they need the interventionists to keep that hurt at bay until we can prevent the hurt from happening in the first place."
Now, returning to Maruki. Maruki obviously has the idea in his head that he can remove points of pain for people, and that at all costs someone, to be healthy, must avoid a situation in which they get hurt. We take all of this with the fact that capitalism, corporations, etc still exist in this world. Let me break that down as to how this itself is a prime example of how his idea of a world with no pain does not take into account systemic oppression nor works as a long term solution.
A.) If one's pain stems from, say, low wages making it hard to pay rent and thus having to work multiple jobs, Maruki's solution would likely be to raise the amount of pay for whatever job is preferred by the person and continue from there. We do know that he makes it so that way Okumura Foods is a more idealized company that treats its workers fairly and has more ethical sources for its food. But this only works within the short term, as there is still a need to get money to put food on the table, to keep a roof over your head. Economic stress is still there even when paid well enough, because there is still the fact that you must keep getting more of a limited resource to pay for the ability to live. There are still people who come out on top, there are still people who are working the factories, there are still people who must do backbreaking work. Additionally Maruki is of the mindset that if your dream isn't working out you must abandon it, which will leave those whose dreams lie in underpaying jobs (such as an artist who makes a living through their art, and is hit with art block that keeps them from producing work) they are to abandon that for something that will keep a roof over their head. This leads to a rather soulless existence.
B.) To quote the Combahee River Collective, a Black Feminist organization that is responsible for intersectionality really making it's way into the collective consciousness, in their Coalition Statement:
"We realize that the liberation of all oppressed peoples necessitates the destruction of the political-economic systems of capitalism and imperialism as well as patriarchy."
That is to say that systemic oppression cannot be undone without the removal of capitalism. Scholars such as Cedric Robinson and Ruth Wilson Gilmore talk of how capitalism itself is rooted in the oppression of racial minorities, especially Black people. This is a concept called Racial Capitalism, which put as simply as possible in the Wikipedia entry for this concept is:
Racial capitalism is a concept reframing the history of capitalism as grounded in the extraction of social and economic value from people of marginalized racial identities, typically from Black people. 
While not a study on Japan itself, and instead China, here is a fascinating chapter on Racial Capitalism in China wherein it states:
Emptied of their former political content, the disarticulated concepts of race and ethnicity have often been reduced to foreign and domestic modes of social differentiation in the reform era, which can allow nationalists to claim that there is no racism in their country and can allow China scholars to deny the relevance of race to the field. Yet, the externalization of race and racism is particularly dubious these days as China’s participation in global capitalism has been accompanied by prominent examples of Islamophobia and anti-Blackness.
And to address how Racial Capitalism is relevant to Japan itself, we are to look at Race Relations and the Capitalist State: A Case Study of Koreans in Japan, 1917 through the mid—1920s by Kazuhiro Abe. From the Abstract:
"Expansionist Japanese capitalism developed racist ideologies toward Korea and the Koreans. In 1910 Japan annexed Korea. After 1917, Korean labor was imported on a large scale into Japanese society, where racist attitudes were rapidly taking shape. However, cheap Korean labor produced a wage differential that caused a split in the labor market along ethnic lines. Thus, competition for jobs between Japanese workers and Korean immigrants transformed racial prejudice into overt ethnic antagonism."
From the talk of the Theoretical Framework at play:
"The analytical framework employed here is the synthesis of several current theories of race and ethnicity. It draws heavily on Marxist theories of race relations, and especially on the split-labor-market theory. In the Marxist tradition, as Wilson argues (1978, pp. 4-9), there are two major approaches to race relations. One is orthodox Marxist theory emphasizing the manipulative role of capitalists who seek to divide the working class racially by exploiting racist ideologies so as to preclude the emergence of a unified working class. (For an example of this position see Reich 1971 and 1981). The other approach is the split-labor-market theory systematically developed and elaborate by Edna Bonacich (1972, 1975, 1976). This theory involves three groups of actors: business, higher paid labor, and cheap labor. The labor market becomes split when cheaper labor is introduced into the market. Capitalists prefer to use the cheap labor, and the higher-paid labor consequently faces threat of displacement. The higher-paid labor group attempts to forestall such displacement by excluding cheap labor from its territory. If exclusion is not possible, the higher-paid labor establishes a caste system to systematically block the access of cheap labor by certain occupations. The success or failure of these attempts largely depends on the amount of political resources the higher-paid labor group can mobilize"
All of this is to say is that while not on purpose, the game implies to us a complete lack of understanding of systemic injustice that causes much pain in the first place. Maruki is very purely intervention and has no interest in prevention.
Maruki himself talks about totalitarianism and how it is something that forces everyone under one ideal, and Goro himself points out (in an implied sense) that that is precisely what Maruki is doing. He is forcing people into his idea of intervention and no pain, while doing nothing to rid the world of the root cause of unjust pain. He is creating a totalitarian dystopian world without any sort of self-awareness.
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sophieinwonderland · 2 months
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I think the r/system cringe discord server has the right intentions, but are doing things in the wrong way. In the end it seems both sides (You/People with ideas like you and the r/system cringe server) want to end the spread of misinformation, but both have different ideas of what said misinformation is and how to go about it. I have not been in the server longer and have been observing, I think attacks against each other should cease and you should talk things out. You both give interesting POVs on the topic of endogenic/mixed origin systems and it would be interesting to see a (civil) debate happen. Thoughts on this?
I and many others have tried to speak in r/systemscringe, and the result of speaking politely with sources to back up what you're saying has traditionally been getting mass-downvoted and banned.
Some people in the server have said they want civil debate, and I'm sure they do. It's a controlled environment where any pro-endos will be outnumbered. If they say the wrong thing, they can be banned from the server. And meanwhile, server members can namecall and toss slurs at them with no repercussions.
And unlike Reddit which anyone can see if they happen to be there, it's a private server and the only people whose eyes will ever be on the conversation are members.
I don't feel a debate would be worthwhile or productive.
As for having the right intentions... I think you could say that about a lot of groups.
Anti-vaxxers legitimately believe vaccines cause autism, and their intentions are trying to protect children from developing a potentially debilitating mental disorder. Their intentions are very noble. Protect children from big pharma. It doesn't matter that their research is debunked, has failed to be replicated by any studies, and that their actions will actually lead to deaths of children from diseases. Their intentions are good.
Many Pro-Lifers honestly see pro-choicers as baby killers. Many TERFs see trans women as a threat to women's rights. Many xenophobes are totally convinced people immigrating across the border are violent invaders. You can defend a lot of hate and bigotry with "good intentions."
Some members of these cringe communities probably do have good intentions too. (Although some are just bullies and want to mock people for being different.)
For example, some of these cringizens have experienced ableism first hand from the medical community who has denied their experiences. And who do they blame for this? "Fakers." They believe there is a mass number of evil fakers in the world who are pretending to be plural, and that it's those people who are responsible for all of their ills and the ableism they've suffered.
It's easy to point blame at other marginalized people for what you suffer. In fact, it's more rewarding to be able to mock the little guy than to truly take on institutions that are so much more powerful than you are.
And that's a huge reason that these people are going to be resistant to the correct information too. If you spend all day looking for "fakers" to the point where you start deriving joy from mocking anyone who presents slightly different, you become disincentivized to change.
In the end, I can make a post with quality academic sources disproving popular talking points from r/systemscringe...
And the sad truth is that it's unlikely to change a single mind.
Because their beliefs are so entrenched that no amount of evidence or sources will be able to convince them that they're wrong.
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