#the monster never goes away but new experiences and personal strength allow you to live with it in a sustainable way

[baku-writes]

Omgggg I just love the hawks request you did it was amazing and sooo good imma request something similar to it but with DABI/ Touya todoroki can you do where the reader and Touya as children like yk childhood friends both grew up with parents who abused them and one day Touya was about to get beaten badly in training and the reader took it for them ( timeskip when they learnt Touya died they were absolutely sadand almost suicide? And DABI finds her in time and they just talk and confess? <333 :)

AAAAAA I LOVE THIS IDEA!! Personally, even though Dabi isn't my fav character I love his backstory. I just find it so interesting.

Touya todoroki x gn!reader (mostly children versions so angst and fluff)

TW: Abuse, fake suicide (?), suicidal thoughts, minor bodily injury (mentions of burnt skin, bruises and blood). ANGST, spoilers (?)

Back from the dead

Summary: you and touya todoroki grew up together and were both victims of brutal parenting. However, when you took the punishment for Touya it was the final straw... he wasn't Touya anymore...

Life was difficult.

It always had been.

Your entire life you were told you would be nothing, your parents beat you into submission until no motivation ever sparked within you other than to be what they wanted. They wanted a hero. The next number one, just like allmight. They didn't want another version of endeavor, but a capable young hero who could fight any villain and take them down with ease.

Your parents weren't pro heroes, both were rejected by UA and didn't pass the hero course for any other school. It crushed them. But also drove them to insanity. Everything they had ever worked for in their childhood come crashing down within a short period of their lives, that is how the both met. However, when they had you they saw a sadistic glimmer of hope. Hope that their 'spawn' could do what they couldn't and hope that their child could live out their dream for them.

And so they would train you. And train you. And train you. Until you couldn't walk, talk and sometimes even eat due to exhaustion. But once they realised they could no longer give you any more training boosts due to their lack of experience, they handed you off to the number 2, endeavour. Even though they despised him, if that is what they had to do to make you strong.... they were going to make you do it.

And there you met Touya. A young boy, the same age as you, with aspirations and dreams of becoming the hero his father wanted him to be. However, like your parents, they taught this motivation through sadistic punishments and abusive training.

It was obvious the kid was worn out. Burn scars scorched his arms and even his face. It confused you, but also made you protective of him. You hated how overworked he was. You hated to see him get hurt. Ofcourse you wouldn't tell anyone this, knowing your sadistic parents they would threaten his life to motivate you.

One day it was the usual training. Your parents dropped you off at the number 2's house, with only a single bottle of water and a small dirt kids towel. Your overgrown and unkept hair was in an uncomfortably tight messy bun and your limbs ached from the previous days grueling training.

The day started off as normal: using your quirk until you couldn't do it anymore or collapse from exhaustion. Your quirk is called manipulation, it allows you to manipulate the shapes of near by non living objects, fir example you could make a smooth rock spiky. However, your quirk took a lot of focus and energy, so far you could only use your quirk on objects as large as a vase, you were only young.

Touya was next to you, hot flames spewing from his hands and arms. Singing his skin and burning the near by area... that was until he noticed his dads near by ornament fall and shatter on the ground.

Was this ornament important to endeavor? No. But would he still be pissed? Yes.

Fear immediately clouded Touya's mind....

"Nonononono" his panicked cries began to fill the room as you ran over to him, his cries would only alert endeavour sooner. Not because endeavour would be worried for him, but because endeavour would be angry at whatever he had done.

"Touya calm down. Here, I'll sweep it u-"

You barely had time to look up when you hear the sound of the door slam and angry heavy footsteps head towards the training room. Oh no. He's heard.

The door slammed open and silence cascaded over the room. Everything went still as time began to slow, the only sound you could hear was your heart thumping against your rib cage. Touya was going to get hurt.... and you hated that.

"Touya..... did you break the ornament?" He was calm at first. Some may see this as a good sign, but you two know better. He was going to explode any minute, he was a ticking time bomb waiting to blow.

"DID YOU BREAK THE FUCKING THING?" His voice was raised, his steps heading towards the two of you.

He raised his hand, ready to hit his son until your voice chimed in. Weak and unconfident you stood in front of your chest friend as you spoke.

"It was me... I broke it."

Silence filled the room. The scowl on his face grew deeper as he grabbed onto your arm with force.

"You know what's going to happen. Don't tell a fucking soul, you hear me?"

.....

After around 10 minutes you left the backroom, beaten and bloodied. Ofcourse, it wasn't to a severe extent, but still enough to hurt and be noticed by any possible strangers.

Touya didn't speak to you for the rest of the day.... and the next day training was cancelled...

Touya was dead.... death by fire. It was suicide. You knew it.

(TIME SKIP, CURRENT TIME)

The fall from the bridge seemed welcoming. You had got no where in life, running away from your parents at the age of 16 you found yourself helpless and homeless years later.

Recently, you discovered everything was a lie... Toiya wasn't dead... well the Touya you knew was. But the body if him was alive, just being controlled by a man who goes by the name "Dabi". You didn't want to accept that ot was your friend, you didn't want to accept the fact that you still liked him. He was a murderer... you should hate him. But what you hated even more was how you pitied endeavour, the abuser who tortured you two and lead his own son to 'suicide'. He had changed, but you will never forgive him.

The hopelessness and confusion in your life was too much. You let the cool air whip against your face for the final few minutes, you might as well enjoy the last moments in your life. Ironically, it was peaceful, you never really got peace before. And it had to be your final moments that ot decided to make an appearance.

Now was the time. The time to end this miserable life. The time to end the memories and pain that tormented you for years. You would never have to get hurt again, the pain will just stop and never appear. No one will miss you, your friend is gone and your family was never there. Tears began to pour down your face as you realised your life was nothing but a misery... you never even lived. You just survived...

You took a step closer to the ledge.

Until you felt a harsh tug pull you back and force you onto the concrete floor.

"OW WHAT THE HELL?!"

Your head shot up to glare at who ever pulled you down to the ground. But your blood ran cold as a white haired 5'9 figure covered in burn scars stood in front of you...

"D-dabi."

Shock overwhelmed your system, the tears ran down your face faster as you come face to face with your 'dead' best friend. The boy who abandoned you all those years ago..... the man who you never got over...

"Come on now, you know that's not my name." His smile creased his face and wrinkled his scars a little and his held out his hand to you. Warily, you took his hand and allowed him to pull you up. Should you trust him? He was a murderer.... but he was your friend.....

"Long time no see, huh?" He chuckled a little bit. Was this a fucking normal meeting for him. Is he making a guxking joke out of this.... after he abandoned you all those years ago, just to become some low life thug who murders people. INNOCENT PEOPLE.

"What the fuck? Is this funny to you? You think this is funny? Laughing when you left me all those years ago. Laughing when you become this.... a- a... A monster, a freak who murderers out of revenge? Fuck you."

Anger shot through you. You don't care if this gets you killed, either he will do it or you'll do it yourself. He was a monster. A killer. Everything you ever despised in one person. A person you used to love turned into a revenge crazed maniac who kills the innocent.

Surprise flooded his features as you rammed a finger into his chest.

"YOU KILL INNOCENT PEOPLE. YOU HAVE PROBABLY KILLED FUCKING CHILDREN! Who the hell do you think you are coming to see me after what, 5 to 10 years? FUCK I don't even remember anymore because I don't see the point in keeping track of the days I had to live thinking you died! You're a monster...."

Your figure began to crumple, your tough exterior caving in as your pent up emotions broke free from their cage. You collapsed into his arms as he ran a soothing hand down your back. You were so confused.... you were angry yet happy. Sad at what he had become but proud of his strength to fight back...

"Why did you leave me Touya? I c-could of saved you..."

The cool breeze blew against the two of you as Touya continued running soothing strokes down your back. Suprisingly, he was guilty. But he wasn't here to see you upset. He was here to get you, save you, help you. He was here to take you to the LOV, his new family.

"I know I left, but I'm here now. I'm taking you to the League, but I promise they won't hurt you. They are family, you want to change the world right? Fix society? That's our goal too. We have all been hurt one way or another.... but please. Come with me. Let me make up for the time we have missed out on so far, let me be the man you need."

You looked up at him, your eyes sore from crying and nose running. Slowly, you nodded. His warm embrace was welcoming, the first hug you have had in at least 5 years.

"Okay...... but you have to take ms out on a date first." A small goggle escaped your lips as you expected a disgusted face to scrunch his features.

But instead...

"Sure, but we're heading over to the LOV hide out right now sweetheart."

Surprise filled your features as be smiled again, his smile just like his old self.

....

Maybe the new Touya wasn't that bad... maybe the old Touya never left...

-----------------

Never wrote for Dabi before so I hope this is good enough!!! Sorry if it took a while to write, I've had a few mental health things pop up within the last 2 days but I'm going to be okay <33. Let me know if this is what you wanted 💞💞

#bnha #bnha manga #mha #my hero academia imagines #bakugo katsuki #bakugou x reader #bakugo katsuki smut #bakugou katsuki smut #alpha!bakugou #dabi x you #yagami yato bakugo #dabi x reader #dabi x gender neutral reader #dabi #dabi smut #dabi x reader smut #touya x reader #dabi angst #dabi and shoto #todoroki family #enji todoroki #mha todoroki #bnha shoto todoroki #bnha todoroki #todoroki x y/n #todoroki x reader #todoroki x reader smut

[writershapeholeonthedoor]

I’m slowly dying (with or without you) - Supercorp

Read on AO3

*trigger warning for panic attacks*

The first time Lena had a panic attack, she was sixteen years old and she had the application forms from MIT spread in front of her. She was admittedly too young to even have the forms, but she was a Luthor and Luthors have their ways more often than not. Since that was the first time it happened, all the cold sweat, chest pain and trouble breathing scared the living shit out of teenage her, who burst into Lex's room announcing she was having a heart attack. It only made sense, she tried to tell him while all her brother did was stare and stare some more. That's how their father died, after all, they had the genetic predisposition for it. Doesn't matter if Lena took the healthy lifestyle quite seriously, or that she took fencing classes four times a week, practiced tennis every Saturday and ate more vegetables than any other person on the planet. She was definitely having a heart attack.

It wasn't a heart attack, as the family doctor ruled out four hours later after Lex finally drove her to the ER. A panic attack, he explained, aggravated by the fact that Lena didn't know what it was, though it was a heart attack and, as a consequence, thought that she was dying. He gave her a prescription, told her she should search for a specialist and let them go back home. On the way back, Lex told her she shouldn't tell Mother.

"Mother doesn't believe in mental diseases. That's for the weak and she hates the weak."

Lena wanted to point out that Lillian already hated her anyway but her brother did enough for her for one day to get into a discussion with him. So, instead, Lena threw the prescription away and told Lillian she asked Lex to teach her how to drive and they spent the afternoon at a Walmart parking lot. Lillian wasn’t happy with that either, but she was never happy anyway.

Lena had many panic attacks after that first one. It was especially terrifying at first because Lena knew how bad it was, how it made her few like she was about to die, so she would freak out every time her heartbeat would peak for any reason or anytime she felt a tightness in her chest. She assumed that's why the therapy would come in handy, but she hadn't been brave enough to stand up against Lillian for twelve years and she wouldn’t start by demanding to be taken to a psychiatrist.

Instead, she found help in the only place that never failed to help her in times of need. Books.

Lena went to the library and she devoured every book that approached the subject. She took notes, she ate snacks, she made a pause to learn how to drive so Lillian wouldn’t be suspicious, but she learned all she could from those books. Over time, it got easier. She would be able to identify when it was about to happen, she learned breathing exercises, she acquired hobbies that helped calm down her heart rate instead of accelerating it, she started carrying a lavender extract air freshener in her bag, and, overall, she dealt with it by herself.

Lex, before he left home and assumed their father's position at the family's company, would sometimes help. He would engage her in chess matches, entertain her with anecdotes he found funny, explain something about his projects to her. It was almost like he knew what she was going through and he wanted to support her in his own way.

Ironic to think that the same boy who drove her to the hospital in the middle of a panic attack of his own, scared about losing his little sister, would one day become the cause of her panic attacks.

It first happened when she heard about the crimes Lex committed. The atrocities, all the deaths, the pain, the destruction. She knew her brother wasn’t a good person but she never imagined that he was a murderer – a genocidal one, in fact. So, when the first police officer knocked on her door to ask her questions after Lex's first attack, Lena did not react other than panic. Because that was her older brother, the man who taught her how to play chess and who made her life at the Luthor’s residence bearable, and then there was all this proof that the same man was a monster.

It happened again later that night, when she was alone and the words kept repeating in her mind. And it happened over and over again for the months that followed it, sometimes when she heard Lex’s name, sometimes when she saw a news report about it, twice during the trial she had to testify in, sometimes when she was alone and the silence became too loud.

That’s why she picked up her things and left for National City. A change of scenery, one of the articles said, can be the key to progress.

And things shifted and molded once she set foot in the new city. Between running around to build up a company from the ashes and dealing with the mess that was her personal life, Lena didn’t have enough time to think about anything else. She got better at the breathing exercises since she didn’t have enough time to distract herself with other things and, surprisingly, for the first time since she was sixteen, Lena felt like she could handle things just fine on her own.

Then she met Kara and things changed for real. Her first friend in the new city, her best friend in the entire world, made things easier for her. It was easier to breathe, it was easier to go through her day, it was easier to be. Lena never told Kara about her panic attacks – she told no one, actually. She always thought she might have to explain eventually if Kara walked inside her office one day to find her panting behind her desk but that never happened. Lena hadn’t had a panic attack since the day she met Kara and that was as concerning as it was alluring.

How could one person be both the solution and the cause of some of her biggest problems?

It made no sense. Lena would never understand the effect Kara had on her heart – her ability to make her heart beat faster on sight and calmer on demand. As though as she could trigger a panic attack with her smile but the calm feeling she brought with her made it impossible to happen. So, like many things in her life, Lena picked up the problem and, instead of dealing with it, she shoved it inside a box and then pushed it so deep inside her mind that it wasn’t even in the shadows.

(Like her abandonment issues, the frustrated dream of going to Disney only to have Lillian saying she couldn’t go, her fear of heights and the ocean, her trust issues and her undeniable feelings towards her best friend. All the above were securely locked inside her, never to see the light of the day.

For the long two years she had known Kara Danvers, Lena had forgotten how a panic attack could feel so... suffocating. Well, not entirely forgotten. More likely, lost in her memories, replaced by other bad feelings like facing death threats thanks to her own family, falling from buildings, piloting a helicopter, almost dying on a plane and it goes on. She almost had one when she shot Lex – when she found out the truth about the person she had trusted with the biggest parts of her soul, only to find out she had been lying this whole time. She certainly felt very close to having one when Kara confronted her at the Pulitzer. It almost happened when she finally told Kara she knew the truth for quite some time now right before trapping her at the Fortress of Solitude.

All those times the only thing that stopped it from happening was blue orbs staring right back at her. Even if filled with pain, confusion, or hurt, Kara still had the remarkable effect of sending calming waves all over her body. After shooting Lex; while in shock that Kara was admitting to a secret Lena thought she never would; while crying and begging for Lena’s forgiveness behind an impenetrable wall, even to her inhuman strength.

Kara wasn’t there that time though. There was only her, and Lex, and tons of experiments surrounding them, and a broken project on the floor, and a thousand lies.

“I gave you the world!” Lex’s breath was hot and wet from that close to her face. His eyes were so filled with rage, his skin trembling with the sheer force of it, that Lena couldn’t help but writhe under it. “Everything!” Even now, alone inside her apartment, sitting in the dark in complete silence, Lena could still feel the fury directed at her like a hot iron. “I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!” And then he lowered his voice, and he resembled his mother much more than their shared father in that second because Lillian Luthor never raised her voice but she always sent the message with the same intensity. “Because you needed to see your little project fail with your own eyes, to know the true depravity of humanity, to know that my way was the only way.”

It was fair to say that Lena couldn’t even remember what exactly she replied to her brother. All she knew was that she needed to get out, to get away from him, to escape. She said a few words, turned on her heels and made her escape without tripping on her own feet although her legs felt wobbly and, her muscles, unsteady. Once inside her house, Lena finally allowed herself to feel.

To feel.

What a weird concept, she thought while sliding down the wall of her bathroom, tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs shaking her body like there was an earthquake shaking her apart. Lena wasn’t good at recognizing and asserting her feelings, and it was even harder when all she felt was sorrow.

Sorrow for having trusted once more, sorrow for having made another mistake, sorrow for having believed, even for a second, that her brother could be different, that she could be different. That a Luthor could help change the world for good. She felt utterly stupid. There wasn’t a part of her cells that didn’t feel the disappointment, the sadness, the grief.

There was so much she needed to do to fix the mess she helped create. And the mix of suffocating feelings with the anxiety of making things right before Lex could destroy humanity eventually led her to an unstoppable panic attack, right there on her bathroom floor, with the shower still running on top of her, the night thick outside and the weight of the world on her shoulders. She knew it was coming from the moment she felt the sadly familiar tightness in her chest but there was nothing she could do to stop it this time.

The floor was cold beneath her, the water was too hot on top of her. Her sobs were shaking her to the core, her tears lost in the spray of the too hot water, her breath was short, shallow and too fast, her heart felt like it was trying to rip its way out of her chest, and her thoughts were running a mile a minute.

She needed to find a way to stop Lex – how could she have trusted him again? She would need help, she couldn’t do it alone. Lex had many friends and she had none – and whose fault was that, really? - Lex had control over every agency around the world now that he altered the timeline – and how did he even do that? - Lena would need to talk with Supergirl. Kara. Kara is Supergirl. Kara is Supergirl and she never told her that. Lex was the one who said it, not Kara, and he said it before Lena shot him.

But he wasn’t dead. Not anymore. He was right there, running the company that once belonged to her, making plans to control humanity like every person meant less than an ant and he was the only one capable of controling every single little thing. Did that analogy even make sense? She wouldn’t know. Her brain was barely functioning. Kara would have liked it either way.

Kara lied to her. For two years, the woman she called her best friend, invented lame excuses to leave her presence when she needed to be Supergirl and, for two years, Lena trusted her with her eyes closed and hands tied behind her back. That’s exactly how she felt in that second as well. Blinded and bound, incapable of moving, breathing even.

Panic attacks can kill, Lena is factually aware of that because she strumbled on stories during her researches. It could cause real heart attacks, veins could burst, lungs could collapse, it could be a real mess albeit very rarely. The ‘very rarely’ part was hard to remember when her chest didn’t seem to expand enough to accommodate air, when her heart was beating so fast she could hear it pounding on her ears, when her arms felt as heavy as two concrete blocks, when her head hurt so bad she felt like it was about to explode.

“I gave you the world!”

He didn’t. Lies. Those were all lies.

“I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lies. They were lies.

“I supported you!”

No one had ever supported her before. How foolish of her to think she could do anything right. Lillian was right, she was a waste of space and time. Lex was right, she was a stupid girl who dreamed too much. Her father, who could barely glance at her most days, was most certainly right to avoid her as well. She was a defect, an error, a deficiency on a spinning wheel that she couldn’t control.

Everyone seemed to control her but Lena didn’t have control over anyone.

Was she in the shower or the bathtub? She felt like she was drowning. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t breathe. She was drowning. She was going to die. The walls were closing around her. When did her bathtub get such huge walls? And when did it became so deep? Her lungs were filling with water, she was about to regurgitate the quick snack she ate earlier in the day, and she was going to die.

What a terrible way of going down, she thought between gasps for air and dry sobs. Naked and fallen in your bathroom. The paramedics will have a great laugh, at least. If she’s lucky enough, they won’t snap a picture as a memoir or to sell out to the journals. Although, in the new timeline they found themselves in, did anyone even care about who she was when Lex was the hero?

Guess she wouldn’t be around long enough to find out.

So lost in her own mind, trapped and tortured by it, it took Lena some precious seconds to realize the hot water wasn't hitting her shoulders anymore. Ironically, it made the drowning sensation increase to a laughable level. If she could laugh, that is.

In the back of her mind, behind Lex's scream, Lillian's sneers, her father's passive face, her mother's hand disappearing underwater, she heard it. It was faint, shushed by the cacophony of sounds already screaming inside her head, and it honestly felt like someone was talking with her underwater.

"Lena."

Lena wondered if that's how it felt to be pulled into a hurricane. If that would have the same spiral, out of control, out of body experience. She heard it, her name being called out in the void that had become the space around her, but she couldn't identify the voice or the source. Sometimes it was Lex, screaming into her face. Sometimes it was Lillian, calmly calling her out in all of her life’s failures. Sometimes it was Supergirl, melting and mixing with the woman she once called her best friend. Sometimes it was herself, calling out for help. Either way, it did nothing to soothe her.

"Lena."

They were all right. She wasn't worth it. None of it was actually worth it. Not her project, not her research, not her hard work, not even humanity. Nothing.

"Lena, look at me."

Her eyes were open. She knew that because they were burning like fire - either because of the water or because of the tears, she wasn't sure. But she couldn't focus them. It was like there was nothing to look at. Nothing there. She was alone, as usual. No one wished to be around a Luthor. No one. And people seemed to like to prove that theory using her as the character in a study.

"Please, tell me what's wrong."

Hard to know where to start, to be fair. Was there anything right in her life? Her mother was dead, her father was dead, Lillian hated her, Lex was a manipulative little bitch, Kara was a liar, Sam was miles and miles away taking care of her own life, she had no one else, everything she worked so hard for was gone, not even her house was the same. And she couldn't breathe. She couldn't breathe. How could she still be thinking if she couldn't breathe?

"Are you hurt?"

Everywhere hurt. Every centimeter, as though someone had picked up a piece of wood and beat the crap out of her, albeit she had no recollection of that ever happening. Did that happen? Why was her body hurting like that? Why was her head hurting? And what's up with her chest? Was someone pressing it? Did anyone put a weight on it? What a stupid jerk, if so. Lena doesn't do sports, she can't lift it!

"Lena."

It sounded closer to the surface. Was someone pulling her out of the water? And when did she even get in the ocean? Lena doesn't swim.

"Lena?"

Uncertain. She could relate. And that tone made a bell ring inside her head. Her name, said in that intonation, with such uncertainty, by that voice. She heard it before. Where did she hear it before? Why was she hearing it now?

"Let me help you get up."

That pulled her right out of the water. It was like someone hooked a hand on the back of her neck and unceremoniously pulled her up. The difference was shocking, the reaction was visceral and she was left feeling exactly like a fish out of water.

"Don't touch me!"

She hadn't been touched, Lena realized a second later. Not yet, at least, but a pair of hands were reaching out for her and they were just an inch away before her loud yell stopped them. It came from deep inside her chest, her diaphragm expanding and burning before releasing all the fury like an animal - a scared, cornered animal. The hands retreated immediately and Lena was left to her own. Her ears rang with her scream and she was transported once again to her laboratory a few hours prior.

"Don't touch me," she repeated and it was like someone poked a balloon with a needle. All the anger, all the vice was gone. Left was the defeat, something she was used to but hurt just the same. "Please, don't touch me."

Silence. Despite her heart ringing in her ears, there was silence. Loud. Suffocating. Maddening.

"Okay." She breathed out of water for the first time in what felt like ages. "Okay, I won't."

The air was thick with steam and Lena was reminded of the shower she was supposed to be having. The heavy breaths, the racing heart, the pounding head, it was all still there, and it didn't get any better when she remembered she was naked, sitting on the cold tiles of her bathroom floor, not alone anymore and not in the dark. Was she not alone for long? Had she moved at some point? Her legs were firmly pressed against her chest, her knees raising so high that she could rest her chin on them and, thankfully, it meant all her front was covered, and it also felt like her muscles had been stuck in that position for years, so maybe she hadn't moved. But she also didn't know when she got company. How did she get company? All her doors were locked. She lived on the fifth floor and, even so, the windows were closed.

"Can I..." How did she get inside? "Here, just let me..."

There was shuffling around, the sound of fabric scraping together and Lena was once again reminded of how sensitive her ears got while in the middle of her crisis. Suddenly, pulling her out of her thoughts, she felt something falling over her shoulders and back. Whatever it was, it was heavy, soft and warm, and it helped to set her mind back in the present, her eyes focused, her head snapped up and her breath hitched.

And then she saw her. Well, rationally, Lena knew she was there all along, but her brain wasn't exactly functioning the right way so it was only fair it took her so much time to see Kara Danvers standing in front of her. Not so much standing, the woman was crouching, in fact, her arms reaching out around Lena and her hands holding the edges of something she assumed was the same thing that was draped over her shoulder.

Her former best friend's face was contorted in worry. The crinkle between her brows was prominent, the bright blue eyes were clouded in concern, her lips were tightly pursed in a thin line, and Lena was hooked by her look almost immediately. It was good to have something else to concentrate on, she tried to argue with herself, as though it would explain why her eyes kept moving around Kara’s face like she was a damn Michelangelo sculpture.

The hands didn’t touch her, successfully avoiding her skin after her explosion, but Lena still thought they were too close for comfort. The ends of whatever was dropped on top of her came to lay on her knees, in front of her arms, and Lena noticed that it skillfully covered all of her body. Curious, she forced her eyes to stop staring at blue ones and look down, albeit the pressure on her throat did no good to her current panicking state.

Red. Red like Supergirl’s cape. Lena panted quite heavily when she recognized that it was, in fact, Supergirl’s cape. Now being used as a blanket to cover her naked body, something she never thought would happen. The material felt harsh against her sensitive, reddened skin, brushing against her in an almost painful way. It was also heavier than it looked, definitely pushing her shoulders down and ruining her posture. But, oh, so warm. So warm.

“Lena, what happened? Can you tell me?”

Her eyes moved back at the blonde force of nature standing in front of her. The rest of the suit was missing, Lena realized, although not sure why her brain decided to jolt back to life to realize that specific detail. Kara was wearing jeans and a black deo sweatshirt that looked so soft that Lena wished she could bury her face in it and never let go. If Kara would still be wearing the sweater while she did that, well, that would just be a bonus.

“Talk to me, please. I’m worried.”

She certainly looked like it, Lena’s mushed thoughts wanted her to say. With a grimace, Kara indeed looked as worried as she could get. Her features reminded Lena of other times – of crashing helicopters, assassination attempts, falling from rooftops - all of which she hadn’t control over but she had Supergirl around to save her and make things easier. It was hard to associate the worried face of her best friend with the unbreakable pose of the superhero, even more so when they were blending together right now in front of her.

"Okay, Lena, you have to take deep breaths." No shit, she wanted to say. Do you think I enjoy breathing those shallow breaths that makes me gasp and leaves me desperate for more air? Not at all. It's not like her body was cooperative either.

"Can you do that?"

Lena didn't particularly feel like she would ever be able to breathe normally again. Rationally, she knew it would all go away in a few moments - leaving behind the dull ache in her chest and the bad feelings to deal with. However, stuck in her own mind, unable to breathe, fully panicking and totally lost, Lena was certain she was either going to live the rest of her life like that or that she was about to die - which, come to think about it, were actually one and the same.

Establishing that did nothing to help her calm down, unfortunately.

"Here, try with me."

She didn't want to. Lena truly didn't want to. She wanted, needed, Kara to move. She felt cornered, her back pressed against the wall and Kara in front of her. Her breath wasn't going to ease anytime soon while she was feeling like that. When Kara could so easily just... scream at her face, yell, grab, hurt. No, she needed space.

"Get out," her voice was hoarse, out of breath, and held none of the commands she intended it to have. Of course, the woman didn't move. "Get out."

To no avail. Her second request also fell on deaf ears. Well, selective ears, more likely. "I know you're mad at me, but you're clearly not okay so I'm not leaving you alone."

Lena didn't want to be alone. She just wanted to see the door. She wanted to see the exit and know there was a way out. Although, considering the inhuman force standing in front of her, was there really a way out? She couldn’t push Kara away, she wasn't strong enough. Supergirl was an unmovable object and Lena was no unstoppable force.

That was clearly the wrong route for her thoughts to take. Her already short breath became more erratic, her vision blurred and her chest tightened so painfully that she couldn’t help but think she was wrong and it was indeed a heart attack.

"Move," she choked. She was drowning again, faster than before. And who gave Kara the right to push her back in the water after taking her out?

For the second time.

Fortunately, Kara seemed to understand what she meant. At least, parts of it. Because she moved, taking a step to the side the best she could on her still crouching position. For a second, she just stopped there, eying Lena with bright blue eyes and furrowed brows, before she ducked her head.

"Please, tell me how I can help you."

Lena needed help. She could do it without it but she would be better sooner if she accepted the help. She didn't deserve - the soft voice, the worried face, the cape getting wet against her damp skin - but Kara was still there and Lena could be selfish for a few more minutes just so she could breathe again.

"The water."

The blonde was up to her feet in less than a second - literally, even. Lena would blame the adrenaline rush for her achievement, but she was able to shoot her hand out and grab Kara's hand before she could go farther away. Confused, the woman looked down. Broken, Lena looked up.

"Don't."

There was a pause, precious seconds being wasted, before Kara's eyes widened slightly and her other hand moved to turn the shower faucet again. The water hit Lena's back like thunder, sending electricity all over her nerves. It was hot, hotter than it was healthy to be, and it burned more painfully than she was comfortable with. But it pulled her out of the ocean again, it put the floor back under her feet, and Lena allowed the small comfort to wash over her.

Kara just stood there, her shoes getting wetter and the legs of her pants getting damp with the water splashing on the tiles, but she didn't move. Lena realized she was wearing comfortable sweatpants and a DEO hoodie that made her wonder what her former best friend was doing before showing up in her bathroom. How could she have her cape and not the rest of her suit? Kara just blinked down at her.

Then Lena let her hand drop back to her knee, releasing Kara from her hold - although, Kara could have freed herself just as easily. That seemed to bring the tall blonde back to life because she instantly moved out of the way again, leaving enough room so Lena could see the shower glass door and the bathroom’s wooden door. Her way out.

"You still need to take deep breaths."

"I-I-I-I ca-can't," Lena shook her head as she spoke, which didn't help with getting the words out.

There was a deep sigh all of sudden and she was almost offended to realize it had come from Kara. But then the other woman was moving again before her eyes could focus on her face and Lena was left to imagine if she was annoyed or not. Probably so. She probably realized Lena didn't deserve her help and that she got her sneakers wet for nothing.

Just as Lena was about to sob again, Kara sank by her side. Quite literally, she was standing one second, and then sliding by her side using the wall to support herself in the next one. Lena could only watch when the blonde sat by her side like the shower wasn't getting her clothes completely wet as well, like her loose hair wasn't clinging onto her skin and messing up her curly strands, like she wasn't sitting beside a naked and panicking woman.

Before Lena could even ask what the hell she was doing - if she could even find her voice - Kara reached her right hand out until she grasped Lena's left one. For a second, it felt like a complete stranger was touching her, like they had never touched before. It took a second, and then Kara's hand was like a rock against her trembling ones and Lena let herself be guided until her palm was resting against the woman's sternum. Kara held her hand there firmly as though she was afraid Lena would try to pull away, though she wasn't sure she could even move at that moment.

"Here, with me. In." Lena tried. "In, Lena. Deep breath in, come on, you can do it. In." Her lungs expanded and Kara nodded, copying her movement almost exaggeratedly. "Now out, slowly." She tried but it came out shaky and unsteady, so she gave up in the middle of it, letting out a huff of breath. "Again." Against Kara's chest, her hand followed the movements of her muscles and she tried to force her lungs to match the same pace.

Tired, Lena closed her eyes and let her head fall back until it hit the wall behind her. The water was now cascading down her face and neck, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She had managed to get on the safety boat and Kara was slowly pulling her back to shore.

"Does counting help?" She shook her head no. "Silence?" Another shake, more urgent this time. "Okay, I guess the blasting rock music should have been my tip-off."

Lena chuckled. It held no real humor - because she didn't find any amusement in that - but she still felt the need to let the other woman know the distraction was appreciated. Before a panic attack would start, silence, breathing exercises and calming music would do wonders to her. But after it was already happening, there wasn't much she could do to help herself.

"Maybe it could help?" Kara offered gently. "Not blasting rock on your stereo, but some music, I mean. I could go put it on."

"No," Lena shook her head again. Her breathing had started to even out, albeit it peaked again under the prospect of being alone again.

"Okay." Kara squeezed the hand she was holding. "Tell me what I can do to help."

Lena breathed in and out twenty more times - she counted them as her muscles started to lose some of the tension - before she released a deep sigh. "You already are. Just... Just stay here."

“I’m here,” the blonde stated without an ounce of doubt in her voice, or any indication that she might not be there any time soon, so Lena allowed herself to focus on her breaths.

Kara didn’t let go of her hand and she didn’t try to recover it, and it took her a few seconds to realize that was the first time in almost a year that they were touching each other. Lena wasn’t sure whose fault that was anymore – not when her brain was still foggy. All she knew, all too well, was the pain still lingering in her chest, poking her wounds, breaking her walls at the same time it put two bricks at a time to replace the one that went down. And Lena learned that it was the only thing worth carrying around because it was the only thing that made you wiser – the good feelings make you weaker, Lillian would say.

“This might cheer you up,” the woman beside her commented suddenly and Lena almost jumped out of her skin – for a second, she forgot someone was keeping her company in her very large bathroom. “I beat Alex’s ass today. We were sparring. I won. Don’t believe her if she tries to tell you otherwise.”

Lena was sure she was lying. It was quite obvious when Kara was lying. Her voice got just a note higher and she spoke in broken sentences, as though her mind couldn’t form a complete long-phrase and would just come up with things as she spoke. Lena knew that. She had noticed that little quirk of her friend a few months into their friendship. It still amazed her how long she allowed herself to be blinded by Kara’s secret just because she thought...

What did she think, exactly? That Kara wouldn’t lie to her? That Kara was different from every other person who had ever been a part of her life? Even when she knew when her friend was lying? Even when she knew Kara’s voice enough to know when she was hiding something?

Who was the real idiot there?

Feeling overly exposed to those intrusive thoughts that were doing nothing to help her, Lena hugged the red cape closer around her body and shivered. Although the water falling from the shower was hot, it wasn’t enough to keep the soaked cape warm enough to keep her body temperature high, neither was the cold floor against her naked skin helping in any way. She wasn’t about to move, though.

“I was doing my laundry when I heard your heartbeat spike.”

The admission sounded quieter and almost shy, but Lena didn’t have the strength to look over at the woman who used to know all of her secrets – and offered only lies in exchange – to see it herself. Instead, she kept breathing in a perfect match with Kara. In and out. In and out. Hold in, slowly out.

“I tried to call your phone, but you didn’t answer. I called your name, but I didn’t get a response. I thought you were dying, so I panicked and broke your balcony door. I will fix it, promise.”

Lena almost laughed at that. She tried to picture it, the puppy reporter holding a shovel or mixing cement. The prospect of having Supergirl doing it was even funnier. And, for God’s sake, Kara Danvers is Supergirl and she had to hear it from Lex after she shot him.

“I thought I was dying too,” Lena confessed in a weak whisper that was barely audible.

Kara’s thumb was doing circles on the back of her hand and on the side of her wrist. For how long she had no idea, but that seemed to be the last paddles taking her to shore. “What happened?”

“I gave you the world! Everything!”

She could still feel it. His breath against her face, his saliva hitting her skin, his voice ringing against her ears, resounding on her head, breaking her down. Lex himself had never laid a finger on her. Over the years he had paid numerous men to try and take her life – and how many of those attempts were stopped by Supergirl? – but her own brother never physically assaulted her. Words, on the other hand, were his biggest weapon and Lex was a master at operating his guns.

He learned that from Lillian, as did Lena, ironically. Although the three of them were very different from each other. While Lillian held venom in her words, she never raised her voice. Lena had seen her in many levels of anger throughout her life, but she never saw her scream or yell. Lex dealt with things like her total opposite. He wouldn’t scream at every corner, however, he would get frustrated very easily and his way to lash out was to yell and let it all out. Meanwhile, Lena used sarcasm and some very well-made phrases.

She had only screamed once out of anger and it had been into Supergirl’s face right before she locked her away like an animal. Lena didn’t think she would have been able to scream if she was confronting Kara instead. Sweet, innocent Kara, although now she knew the truth. Now, months later, she wasn’t even sure she could scream at Supergirl again.

“Lena, breath in and out with me.”

Her breathing had accelerated again. It made sense, Lena thought with a generous amount of bitterness. Thinking about Lex and Lillian did that to her. “I think I’m going to puke.” As soon as she said it, her stomach made a sickening churn and she heaved a dry gasp. There was no thinking. She was going to puke.

“Can I help you get to the toilet?”

The other alternative was puking all over Supergirl’s cape. And maybe the idea was a little appealing, she wasn’t going to lie, but she also didn’t wish to puke all over herself. So instead Lena nodded and, in a blink, Kara slid from her sitting position to the same crouching stance she had before. This time, she held Lena's hand still close to her chest before she searched for the other one underneath her own cape. Lena was in no condition to be self-aware of her nudity or the fact that her former best friend was brushing much more skin than she was comfortable with.

“Here, I will pull you up and carry you.”

Lena wanted to protest but the bile was already high on her throat, her legs were still shaking and her head was spinning. Nodding, she let herself be pulled up to a standing position. In that second, many things went through her head – she was going to puke right then and there, the cape was sliding off her shoulders and her front was definitely naked, and Kara was very, very impressively holding her up since Lena had no strength on her muscles. The blonde let go of one of her hands so she could use the other one to adjust the cape around the smaller quivering woman before she easily scooped her into her arms and stepped out of the shower.

They were both wet and water started dripping on the floor immediately. However, Lena was not going to worry about it when her body was rebelling against her. Kara kneeled on the floor, taking the brunette with her like she weighed less than a penny, and Lena was hovering over the toilet a second later. She hadn’t eaten anything after the quick snack earlier that day, Lena remembered too late, because all that rose in her throat was liquid mixed with bile that left a burning trail on the way. She panted a couple of times, emptying her already empty stomach, until all she could do was cough.

“Breathe,” Kara reminded her softly and she came to realize the woman was sitting behind her on the floor, holding her wet hair up and out of the way, drawing soothing circles on her back. “Do you need to go to the hospital? I can take you.”

“N-No.”

“Or maybe the DEO, if you prefer,” the not-so-secret-anymore hero tried again. “Or Alex. I can call Alex or take you to her.”

“Kara,” Lena interrupted her, one of her hands letting go of the sides of the toilet to touch the woman’s thigh behind her – the only place she could reach in their position. Her mind felt much lighter now that her body had made the last rebel act against her. “I will be fine. It’s a panic attack. I’ve had them before, it’s fine.” That came out all shaky and broken as she fought to get enough breath to say the words.

Strong fingers closed around hers on a strong thigh. “I don’t know what to do, please tell me what I can do to help.”

Lena sighed, her entire body losing the rest of strength it had and falling on her knees on the floor. She let her upper body rest against the side of the toilet, trying to ignore the smell coming from it, as her fingers dug into a muscular thigh so hard that she was sure her knuckles were white. She closed her eyes and ran her other hand against her forehead to try to stop the drops of water and sweat from reaching her eyes.

She was allowed to be selfish for just a while longer.

“Alex kicked your ass, didn’t she?”

There was a startled silence behind her before a huff was heard, the warm breath hitting the side of her face. “She wishes. I totally won. Big time.”

The worst liar who ever existed – and Lena was the fool who fell for every single one of them. “Where’s the rest of your suit?”

“Washing.”

“I made the suit myself,” Lena reminded her. “It uses nanotechnology. You don’t have to wash it.”

“No need to brag, geez.”

Lena laughed. She just couldn’t help it. When was the last time she laughed? She couldn’t tell. It happened so long ago that she didn’t even remember that. One thing she was sure of: it was definitely because of Kara. And there she was again.

“Like I said, I was sparring with Alex. She insists I use my cape so I can learn how to escape if anyone grabs it.” Kara sighed. “She also said I should have kept the skirt and removed the cape.”

“What did you tell her?”

“That I still have the skirt somewhere if she wants to use it and see how it feels like.”

The younger woman scoffed and opened her eyes again. Her heart wasn’t beating so fast anymore, the worst of it seemed to be over, but her chest still felt tight. “You were wearing the cape with a hoodie?”

Kara looked down at her own outfit like she hadn’t noticed it before. Her clothes were soaked and clinging into her body, but she just shrugged. “I like the hoodie, it’s comfy.”

“Well, it’s better than what I have right now,” Lena avoided looking down because the last thing she needed was to see how very much naked she was in the presence of the woman she was once in love with.

Although it still felt like she was, being completely and utterly honest. Lena could lie to people around her but she wasn’t going to lie to herself. If she didn’t have any type of romantic feelings towards Kara, she would never have been blind enough to miss the huge piece of information that was almost screamed into her face every day. And if she had got over said feelings, she wouldn’t have followed Kara out to offer her condolences over Jeremiah’s death, neither would she spend two hours in a bookstore trying to find the perfect book, neither would she still have Kara’s photo in her phone and a perfect copy on her table.

 “Do you want me to grab you something to wear?” Kara asked softly, as though she was also noticing for the first time that the other woman was naked – though, she did go out of her way to cover her when she got there.

Lena tossed the idea around her head a couple of times before she nodded. “Just... don’t be long.” How pathetic. Lillian would have smirked at her, the same smirk that made her feel like she was worth less than gum on her shoe. Lex would have laughed in her face.

“Two seconds, I promise.”

It took her two seconds, indeed. The gush of wind from her departure was not even gone before Kara was back, holding a change of clothes in her hands. She put it by the sink before stepping back with a shy smile.

“I will let you change, but I will be just outside, okay?”

“Kara, I-“ Lena closed her eyes in shame. “I don’t think I can stand by myself without puking again.”

Or passing out. Or starting another attack. Or wishing to throw herself from the closest window. Either way, Kara seemed to understand because she approached her again, this time with both hands extended in front of her body. Lena took them without a second thought, as though trusting Kara came as second nature to her – something she thought she had forgotten almost a year ago. The blonde helped her to her feet and Lena had to let go of one of her hands to hold the cape in front of her chest to keep it wrapped around herself.

She must be a view, she thought then. Wet, eyes swollen because of the tears, panic still lingering at the corners of her eyes and wrapped around Supergirl’s cape. She must have looked even more ridiculous than she felt.

Once standing, Kara held her hand for a few more seconds. “Are you good?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Lena nodded. “I’m still in the middle of it. It will take a while to wear off.”

“What else can I do?” She had no answer for that and Kara clearly had no idea what to do, so she kept talking because that’s what she did. “What if I make you some tea? Would that help?”

“I guess.”

“Okay, good.” Kara nodded and took a step back, ready to get the new task in her hands done.

“Just...” the brunette sighed. “Just don’t close the door.”

Kara didn’t, and even if Lena was a little self-conscious about it, she was also thankful. Still shaking, she found herself a towel in the cabinet and let the hero’s cape fall from her body so she could get dry. Lena tried to do it as fast as she could. She could hear Kara moving around her kitchen and suddenly her bathroom felt too suffocating. She needed to get out.

Once completely dried, she picked the clothes Kara brought her. Yoga pants that she hadn’t worn since the last time she went to spinning classes – which, ironically enough, happened with Kara by her side – and a hoodie that Lena knew all too well. The gray sweater from National City University that belonged to Kara. The woman loaned her that when she found Lena drunkenly slurring her words out, drinking wine in her dark apartment, and turns out Lena never gave it back to her.

It’s not like she stole it. It’s just she wasn’t going to give it back to her friend without washing it first, but then she didn’t want to run any risks of ruining it, so she was going to do that separate from the other clothes. When she finally realized it, a month had gone by and they were having the third movie night where Lena was wearing the sweater and Kara had yet to say a thing. When she tried to give it back, Kara said she should make it her official movie night uniform.

Lena would never admit to wearing that sweater when she missed Kara during their fall-out, but she was also not going to deny it.

Either way, Kara had opened her closet – her ridiculously large closet – and between all the options, she chose her National City University hoodie for Lena to wear. That was, admittedly, the only hoodie Lena had, but she had other sweaters and long sleeve shirts Kara could have picked.

God, Lena was really going to grasp onto thin hopes, wasn’t she?

The bile was still burning in the back of her throat, so she moved to the sink next so she could brush her teeth, half wishing she could also have a mint or something. Even without it, she felt remarkably better already.

Kara was leaning against the counter with her right hip, dipping the tea bag inside her favorite mug - something ridiculously colorful with chemical elements all over that the woman herself gave Lena because it "reminded me of you" - and her face was serious, as though she was truly putting all her attention in not screwing up the task in her hands. She had pulled her hair in a ponytail to lock away the wet, messy curls, and her clothes seemed a bit drier, like she somehow had put it to fast dry while Lena changed. More likely she just used her breath or ran around for a few seconds. Her left hand was stuffed inside the pocket of her sweatpants, her jaw was set and Lena could see, even from the distance, that she was frowning as well.

And there was something in the way she just stood there, looking completely out of place and totally belonging there at the same time that just clicked something deep inside Lena.

Something she had buried away a long time ago, shoved inside a box and pushed it deep, deep, deep in her mind.

She could admit she had made a mistake when she started working with Lex, and she could admit she made a mistake when she locked Kara inside her own fortress, and she could admit she made a mistake when she closed her eyes to the truth screaming right into her face. She could admit she fell in love with Kara, she could admit she tried to fight it, she could admit it only broke her heart more than if she had talked with Kara about it. She could admit many things, but she would never admit how many times she dreamed about the scene in front of her. Dreamed about the domesticity that she always wished for, but never voiced.

“Are you feeling better?” Kara asked, snapping her out of her thoughts. The blonde had straightened her body against the counter, she picked up the mug between her long fingers and tried to smile, although it was constricted and uneasy.

Feeling better? Lena hadn’t felt better in almost a year. She felt angry, and lonely, and empty most of the time, and none of those feelings had washed away. They still hadn't. Those were some long months. It was a long time to spend alone, trying to find your way in a world you thought you knew while it seemed to be burning around you. It was a long time missing your friends, your found family, the days where everything was simpler. It was a long time battling to do good and hold everything together when you had no idea how to hold yourself together.

At least, she could breathe, unlike ten minutes ago when she was heaving desperate breaths on her bathroom floor.

So, she nodded. And Kara smiled a bit softer, and her next breath came a bit easier. At that moment, while her former best friend took a few steps closer to hand her the tea and offered her a smile she hadn’t seen in a long time, Lena realized she was remorseful. After everything that happened in the last hours, after another disappointment and another day missing and aching something that she lost, all she could feel was remorse.

She should apologize. She could try, at least. Ask for forgiveness after doing the things she did. Kara had a big heart – the biggest she ever saw – and maybe, just maybe, she would find it in herself the possibility to forgive her. Something that Lena hadn’t been able to do a year ago when she shot Lex and found out the truth.

But, then again, it was her own fault for closing her eyes to the truth for so long. It was obvious – painfully obvious – and she told herself over and over again that she was crazy for even considering it to be real. Perhaps she had been angrier at herself than at Kara. Perhaps she was just angry in general. After a year, it was hard to remember.

She picked up the mug from Kara’s hand, making sure they wouldn’t touch, before she took two steps back so fast that it was like she had been burned. Kara noticed it, of course she did, and her expression hardened again when she also took a few steps back. The blonde hero leaned back against the counter while Lena fought the urge to run and hide. Instead, she felt the coldness of a wall behind her and let her back rest there as she slowly brought the cup to her lips.

The tea was made the exact way she liked it, she noticed when the hot liquid touched her tongue. With just a splash of milk, no sugar, strong. Lena took a long sip as she avoided looking at Kara again. Her mind chose that moment to remind her that her former best friend had just witnessed a very real mental breakdown she had in her bathroom, that she had seen her crying naked on the floor, that she had begged not to be alone.

If she had trouble facing Kara with all the regrets from before, now she could barely stay in the same room as her.

“Do you want something to eat?”

Lena almost pointed out that she had barely eaten for almost a year. She used to have Kara dropping by at lunch or dinner with a bag of food to remind her to take a break and eat, but there was no one there to do it once Kara was gone.

Not gone, Lena reminded herself. Sent away.

Instead, she shook her head and took another sip of her tea. It was vanilla, which was a weird choice for that hour of the day. She usually likes drinking vanilla tea after lunch, black tea in the morning, and chamomille at night. Those were things Kara didn’t know, she thought. They hadn’t shared enough breakfasts for her to know it, and she was always gone when Lena indulged herself with a tea after lunch.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Again, she shook her head.

“I supported you! I sabotaged nothing! Touched nothing! I sacrificed my own goals for you!”

Lena closed her eyes and took a deep breath of the steam leaving the mug to let the smell wash over her. Lex had bad breath. Always had, if she was going to be honest. She remembers noticing it even when she was a kid and he was reading her books in bed, waiting for her to sleep when in reality she was too entranced in the story to actually do it. After she grew up, she started thinking if his bad breath was caused by his putrid soul. A manifestation of his rotten interior, as funny as it sounded. Either way, she could still feel his breath against her face and it made her stomach churn again.

“I should go.”

She hadn’t realized she had opened her eyes until she was blessed by the sight of a slightly annoyed Kara. The hero was unhappy, probably because of her lack of response, and she had pushed herself from the counter as though she was actually going to start walking away.

Away from Lena. Again.

Away.

“No,” she found herself saying before she could think about it.

No, don’t go.

No, don’t leave.

No, don’t walk away.

No, don’t leave me alone.

She could say any of the above and they would all be the truth. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She still had her pride, although faltered. Instead, Lena looked down to the dark floor of her kitchen and tried not to purse her lips in the same way Lillian hated.

"You can yell at me all you want later," she declared. “I just... I can’t be alone. It could... It could happen again.”

It wasn’t unusual, Lena thought to herself. Her panic attacks always came in pairs, which was a bit ironic considering Lena herself barely had any friends. And, even when she managed to avoid the second one, the feelings eating her inside still wouldn’t leave for days on end. And it wasn’t like she couldn’t be alone. She could, she had been alone for most of her panic attacks since she first started having them, but she didn’t want to. Not when Kara was there again. Not when she was sorry and Kara was there.

"I'm not going to yell at you.” That wasn’t what Lena was waiting to hear. She was expecting some lame excuse or no answer at all as Kara walked away. She wasn’t ready for what she heard.

"Please,” she scoffed and rolled her eyes because, of course, Kara would yell. Lex had yelled, her father had yelled, Lillian had yelled in her own quiet way. And it wasn’t like Kara didn’t deserve to let her frustrations with Lena out. “You can scream, say I'm worthless, call me names, say you hate me. Yell whatever you want later,” Lena shrugged and sighed. “Right now I just..."

Need you to stay and keep my mind busy.

She didn’t have the chance to say it, though. Kara interrupted her before she could, her voice firm and only slightly raised. "I don't hate you.” Their eyes locked from across the room. Kara was frowning, her hands had gripped the counter behind her, and her face was hard. When she spoke next, her words were calmer, although they held the same intention. “I might not agree with everything you did but I don't hate you.” Another pause, this time her voice came out broken and uncertain. “Do you hate me?"

Maybe. Lena wasn’t sure she ever hated Kara, albeit it was easy to think she did.

Kara had always brought most of her feelings from within her. The good was easy to see. Her loyalty to her only friend in a new city, her happiness, her love. Those were easy to feel and, even more, good to feel. After she accepted that Kara was the person that would make her feel more than anyone else in her life, Lena even bathed herself in those new things. But, it turned out, Kara also made her feel the max out of the bad as well. The rejection, the betrayal, the hurt.

And those were hard to feel. Those feelings she didn’t want to feel.

She did, though.

And perhaps it made her hate Kara for a second.

"Hate is the only thing I was taught was okay to feel," Lena admitted lowly, her breath blowing away the fog coming from the mug at the same time her eyes moved to the big glass door across the room. Outside, the night was heavy, the clouds were probably hiding the stars and the moon was only showing its right side. Inside, the tension was just as heavy, the hurt was hiding Lena’s true feelings and the tea was now lukewarm.

It felt like a lifetime ago when Kara first waltzed in her life, bringing the sun and all its shine with her. Certainly felt more than a year.

Inside, there was Kara, standing in front of her after a year of doing everything she could to keep her distance. Inside her apartment, there was Kara, strong and determined. Inside her heart, Kara was being pushed away by a monster called hurt, although she refused to leave. Not for the first time, Lena wondered if she would ever heal. Maybe she was too broken already. She felt hollow. She had felt like that for a long time now.

“Lena, do you hate me?”

The question was made with so much hesitation that Lena felt her heart sink, skip a beat, and start running at the same time. She was sorry, God, she was so damn sorry. But she was so hurt too. It was a lot to feel for someone that hadn’t felt much all her life. Or maybe she had felt too much all her life.

It was hard to say.

“No.” The admission came easier than it should have, Lena thought to herself. She did hate Kara, for only a second and only because hate was something she knew how to feel since she was a child. But it was only for a second. Enough to make her lose her breath and make some terrible decisions. Enough to make her scream and lock Kara away, and then lose herself. Enough to make her hate herself. “God. I tried, I tried so hard to hate you, what you did, your lies, your actions, your betrayal. But I can't. I can’t hate you.”

For whatever reason, she looked back to the other woman. Kara’s eyes were still hard, her brows were still furrowed, her lips were still pushed together in a thin line, but there was a small glint in her eyes that looked suspiciously like tears. She didn’t look angry exactly, but she didn’t look happy either. Lena suddenly remembered the face that had looked at her inside her bathroom – concerned and desperate to help – and she almost wished it back. She remembered the cape draped on her shoulders and the soft hand grasping at hers. She remembered lies next and it all came crashing down.

“Do you want to?” Kara asked eventually.

She didn’t look like she actually wanted the answer for that and Lena didn’t truly want to give her one. She did, however. Because her chest was still too tight and her thoughts were jumbled and her heart was aching for the past year and her sun hadn’t shone ever since.

“Yes.” Kara looked surprised, only for a second, before she started looking angry and Lena could almost hear her voice raising to yell at her next – and she deserved it, didn’t she? She decided to talk faster to avoid it regardless of that. “It would be easier than loving you.” The hero now looked shocked and Lena huffed a humorless laugh at that. “I’m sure it would hurt less.”

That was a lie. She couldn’t be sure it would hurt less. She hoped it would hurt less because, right now, it hurts like a bitch and it was hard to think it could be worse than that. The universe wouldn’t be so cruel. Or maybe it would. It tended to have a great laugh with her.

“Lena...”

Lena shrugged, took another sip of her lukewarm tea and sighed. When she looked up again, Kara had moved. She had taken a couple of steps closer before she stopped, took three steps back, then moved forward again. She came to a halt in the middle of Lena’s ridiculously big kitchen, with her mouth opening and closing like she was trying to say something but had no idea what to say, and Lena almost laughed.

Almost.

She didn’t, though. Because she felt more like crying than laughing for almost a year now.

“I will have your cape washed and return it tomorrow,” she said, took a deep breath, and reached out to put her mug down and crossed her arms. “I hope you don’t mind if I use...” coconut soap. That was what she was going to say and it would be more out of depracative humor than actual concern for Kara’s soap preferences, but the words died at the back of her throat when she noticed that the blonde was moving again.

Closer.

Really close.

Somehow, closer than they had been inside her bathroom because, in there, Kara had touched her hand and nothing else. In the kitchen, her former best friend suddenly raised her hand to touch Lena’s jaw.

“What are you doing?” she asked and she sounded completely out of breath as though she was in the middle of a new panic attack. Which wouldn’t be surprising. There wasn’t a mirror around, but Lena could picture the surprise on her face and the panic behind her eyes as she waited for Kara’s response.

“I just...” Blue eyes flicked from her eyes to her lips, then back to her eyes, and Kara looked so lost that Lena almost asked her if she needed to sit down and take a breath. “I just need to try something.”

Kara’s lips were softer than they looked, which came as a shock. Lena gasped the first time she felt them touching hers and her eyes widened as her arms fell to her side, not sure what was even going on. Kara tasted like a matcha green latte from Starbucks – and Lena hated matcha with all her being – and onion ring chips that she remembered were one of Kara’s favorite snacks. She smelled a bit like sweat and deodorant, and she kind of kissed Lena’s teeth at first before their lips touched.

Lena always imagined their first kiss – and, yes, she had thought about it like an obsessed person since she first met the blonde – would be the sweetest thing ever, with fireworks exploding in the background, racing hearts and shy giggles. Things she saw in the romantic comedies she watched on numerous movie nights because she knew Kara liked them. Things she had never experienced herself, but thought they would happen when she kissed the woman she had fallen in love with so deeply.

That wasn’t the case.

There were no fireworks and it wasn’t sweet either. Her heart was racing, though. One thing checked. The kiss was heavy with hurt and a year of distance. The giggles didn’t come. It was hard, and messy, and out of sync, and Lena felt almost angry at Kara for taking that fantasy away from her. For crushing another thing in her life.

Instead, she tried to take it back by biting the blonde’s bottom lip hard enough to make her gasp, by raising one hand to grab the back of Kara’s neck to pull her close at the same time she pulled her hair harder than was necessary, by raising her other hand to grasp at the front of her hoodie to both tug her closer and push her away. Instead, she swallowed Kara’s gasp and shoved her tongue inside her mouth. Instead, she tried to hate Kara at the same time she loved her.

Instead, she only hated herself.

Kara pushed her back against the wall she was leaning against, kissing her back as hard as she was, but Lena didn’t allow her to take any control away from her. She felt a strong hand holding her hip as the other one cupped her face. Their push and pull lasted about a minute before they both realized there was no point in fighting it. No point in pushing.

Like wildfire in a dry forest, there was no way to stop it.

Kara’s hand was suddenly under her sweater – Kara’s borrowed sweater – touching her still damp skin and raising goosebumps everywhere she touched. Then her own hands were pulling Kara’s hoodie away, then her legs were wrapping around a slim waist, strong arms were picking her up, soft lips were kissing her neck and white teeth were biting her skin, and Lena felt the fire explode.

Inside, outside, everywhere.

She felt underwater again. She couldn’t hear anything other than the thunder her heart was creating inside her chest, and she wasn’t sure she was feeling anything other than the wandering hand beneath her clothes. Was there even anything else to feel? To hear?

“Lena?”

Lena didn’t open her eyes, even when her brain caught up with the distance Kara added between them. She had been barely able to feel Kara’s lips before, but she missed them once they were gone. She missed the warmth, the softness, even the taste. And she missed Kara’s hand once her former best friend removed it from the cold skin of her ribs.

“Lena? Your heartrate is spiking again.”

Kara sounded scared, although Lena had no idea why. She had witnessed a panic attack just a few minutes prior. Surely, she should know Lena wouldn’t die by now.

“Lena?”

She should do something about it. Take her mind away off it before it became a real, full-on panic attack that would consume her again.

“Onion ring chips.”

“Uh?”

Lena almost smiled at the confusion she could hear in Kara’s voice. She tilted her head down to hide the grin that insisted to appear, grabbed the blonde’s hoodie even harder and made sure that Kara knew she wasn’t supposed to pull away any further by tightening her hold at the nape of her neck. No point in pushing.

“You taste like onion ring chips.”

“Oh,” it was just a release of her breath, either in relief or more confusion, but Lena could picture Kara’s face perfectly even with her eyes closed – a crinkle between her brows, big blue eyes, pink lips pushed together. “Yeah, I, uh, I was eating before I came.” Blinking her eyes open, Lena sighed, nodded distractedly and tried to focus on everything she could see. Blue eyes, the crinkle, the tiny scar, pink lips, a black hoodie that was way softer than it looked, a faint blush. “Your heart is quite fascinating,” Kara mumbled under her breath when she raised one hand to fiddle with her glasses.

Lena immediately missed her touch. She wouldn’t, however, voice that. She could have, a year ago, but not anymore. Now, she bit the inside of her cheek and pretended she didn’t care when Kara let her hand drop instead of putting it on her waist again.

“Did you figure it out?” she whispered.

“What?”

“You said you needed to try something,” Lena reminded her with just a hint of bitterness. “Did you figure it out?”

Kara took a step back as though she had burned her. Half of her wanted to follow, to pursue, to touch and be touched. The other half, the one that still held some sanity, crossed her arms and hardened her expression. For the first time that night, the hero looked like she would rather be anywhere else.

“I-” Kara stopped, gulped, shook her head, looked down, placed both hands on her waist, looked up, down again, and then shrugged like she had just been defeated. Like she had just walked away from the hardest battle of her life without a victory. “Yes,” she ended up saying after Lena thought she would just fly away without looking back. “Yes, I did.”

At that, Lena cracked a smile. It was filled with bitterness and every bad feeling swirling inside her chest, and she wasn’t brave enough to look at Kara to see her reaction to the brokenness that was clear on her face. She was broken and she didn’t have the strength to hide it that night.

“Okay.”

Kara took another step back and the uncertainty, the hesitation she was feeling was clear as day in her blue eyes. Lena had forgotten. She had forgotten they were supposed to be enemies now, working on different sides and making accusations instead of sharing lunch while watching crap TV.

What an irony, Lena thought. What an irony that they had to kiss as enemies when they had been friends for much longer. When friends had meant much more.

The blonde took a step closer then, then took another two back, then closer again. She looked like she was trying to figure out something to say, what she should do, where to go from there. She had no idea where to start, but neither had Lena.

Kara was saved from saying anything when Lena yawned, bringing a hand to cover her mouth and letting her eyes fall close for a second. When she opened them again, the hero’s face had softened and she had a tiny smile that made Lena’s heart beat faster for a completely different reason.

“You should go to sleep.”

Lena almost said she wouldn’t be able to sleep – she never could so soon after a panic attack. However, she took one look at Kara’s almost gentle smile and decided to let her have that way out of the clearly uncomfortable conversation. Because it has been a year, and they were different people, and Lena didn’t even know who she was anymore, let alone anyone else around her.

“Okay. Yes, I will.”

So, Lena went on with her nightly routine while trying to ignore the elephant – or the superhero – in the room. She put the used mug inside the dishwasher, walked back to her room to grab her empty glass of water to fill it up and walked back to the kitchen. Kara hadn’t moved much, she had just leaned against the island counter and was staring at the marble with her brows furrowed and so intensely that, for a second, Lena thought she would burn the whole thing down by just staring at it. When Lena walked past her holding the full glass, she didn’t move and Lena didn’t say anything.

She wanted to.

Wanted to ask if she was going to stay there all night, staring at her counter and looking like she had no idea where she was. Wanted to ask if Kara still remembers where the extra blankets were. Wanted to ask her to leave at the same time she wanted to ask her to stay. And, in between her own confusion, Lena chose not to say a thing.

She put her glass down at the nightstand on top of the coaster, put her phone on the charger and walked to her bathroom so she could brush her teeth. While she added the toothpaste to her boring red toothbrush, Lena yawned again. All the emotions from her day were catching up on her. The deception with her project, with herself and humanity. Lex’s explosion. The panic attack. Kara randomly showing up. Kara’s lips touching hers. It felt like she had been awake for more than a day – more like a month – and all she wanted to do was crawl on her bed and rest. She knew sleep wouldn’t come easily, it never did these days, but she would try at the very least.

Lena fell on top of her bed like a dead weight. She didn’t bother changing clothes, closing the door or checking to see if Kara had left. The clothes made her feel comfortable, the bedroom could feel too small with the door closed and she didn’t want to know she was alone. So, she just took a deep breath, stared up at the ceiling and tried to think of ways she could force her body to sleep so she wouldn’t be able to think anymore.

Ironically, she fell asleep in less than a minute.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Lena woke up with the sound of heavy rain. There wasn’t thunder or lightning, but the rain was falling heavily outside from what she could hear. She took a deep breath, groaning a bit when she stretched, and then turned around to reach her phone. Her room was dark, mostly because of the curtains stopping any outside light to get in, and the glow from her phone burned her eyes for the first few seconds. She blinked the discomfort away before trying to focus on what she had to do that day.

She was halfway into remembering everything that had happened the day before when she noticed her blanket wasn’t its usual black color. Lena frowned, deciding she could concentrate on something else for a minute, and her arms fell to her sides so her fingers could investigate the material. It wasn’t as fluffy or soft as her usual blanket with its thousand something threadcount that had made it ridiculously expensive. Lena reached for her phone again so she could light the area around her and almost choked on nothing when she realized what had been used to protect her from the chill air of the night.

It was red and way heavier than it looked, and it certainly didn’t belong to her house. Supergirl’s cape. Every memory came crashing down on top of her leaving her breathless and lost. She remembered leaving that cape on her bathroom floor, wet and cold, and it made no sense to her that it was used as her personal mantle for the night. The only way for the cape to be covering her now instead of wetting her floor would be for Kara to have walked in after she fell asleep and put it on top of her.

That thought, that image, made Lena feel sorry again. She was sorry for many things. She had made a mistake, she was sorry, and she needed to say that before it was too late. Before Lex could move on with his plan, before he could cause even more damage than he already had, before something worse happened. And she needed to say she could never, ever, choose to hate Kara over loving her.

She needed to say that.

Lena almost jumped from her bed as she rushed to get changed and ready to go. It was early, way too early, and it was raining outside, but she would cross town to reach Kara’s apartment and she would apologize, she would tell her she was sorry and she would ask what the hell was the whole ordeal with the kiss from last night.

She hadn’t dreamed about that, had she? Kara kissed her. Kara really kissed her. Their lips had touched in a very non-friendly way. That hadn’t been a dream, had it?

No, Lena decided while putting on her trench coat without thinking too much about what she was doing. It hadn’t been a dream. She had said she loved Kara – loves, still, if she was going with the whole ‘being honest’ thing – and Kara had kissed her. Which could mean nothing, but also could mean everything, and Lena wasn’t about to ignore it for any longer. She would have to apologize, so she could add her own question into it.

She just needed to get to Kara’s place and...

Lena stopped in her tracks, almost slipping on the floor with how sudden she came to a stop, and only avoided screaming thanks to the way she was raised by Lillian. Kara was idly sitting on a stool by the island counter in the middle of her kitchen, drinking something from Lena’s old MIT mug while she read the morning journal. Like it was something common. Like she hadn’t just scared Lena to death. Like she belonged there.

Kara didn’t look up – not that she needed, Lena reasoned, she probably knew Lena was awake since before she had noticed it herself. All the blonde did was take another sip from the mug, turn the page and pursed her lips when she read something she didn’t like. The silence that fell above them was different from the night before. It was less heavy, Lena felt just as breathless, but it only lasted about ten seconds before Kara finally spoke.

“Are you going somewhere?”

She hadn’t look up yet and Lena felt only slightly disappointed. She missed the blue eyes, the small scar and the crinkle. She missed it more than she missed a simpler life without murdering brothers returning from the dead. Instead of replying right away, Lena glanced to her own outfit, to her purple trench coat, the jeans and boots, to the cape she had folded on top of her left forearm, and then, for some reason, she blushed. She felt ridiculous, for some reason.

“I...” Lena cleared her throat, bit her lips for a quick moment and then sighed when she looked back up. Kara was just lowering the mug again, and Lena watched her throat move up and down as she swallowed. Honesty, she tried to remember. “I was going to... try to find you.”

Somehow, saying she was going to try to find Kara sounded better than saying she was going to leave her apartment at 6 am on a Saturday when the sky was falling outside to cross town to beg for forgiveness. It wasn’t a lie, at least. And, apparently, it made Kara lose some of her determination to not look at her. Lena noticed how blue eyes moved to the side just for a second before focusing on the journal again and she found herself blushing again.

“Well... You found me.”

Yes, she did. Sitting in Lena’s kitchen, reading her journal and drinking her... whatever that was. Still there. Still around. Still... existing in Lena’s life as though they hadn’t avoided each other for almost a year. Well, Lena did most of the avoiding, she was going to admit that. She was also going to admit she had missed waking up and feeling hopeful.

And hope was all she could feel when her mouth started to move on its own accord, without her approval and faster than her brain could keep up. Hope that Kara would understand, that she would be able to find it in herself to forgive her when Lena had taken almost a year to be able to show her the same treatment.

“I have made a terrible mistake.” She watched through misty eyes because of the tears as Kara slowly let go of the mug so she could close her hand into a tight fist, and, even though her heart clenched and her mind started to race, Lena couldn’t stop talking. “I was hurt. I was so hurt. And... I thought I could get rid of the hurt.”

Kara put the paper down next and she took a deep breath before finally turning her head to look at her. Lena almost stopped there, she almost gave up, turned around, walked back to her room and allowed darkness to consume her. She didn’t, though. Not when Kara was looking at her like... like she didn’t hate her. Not when Kara was still there. So, instead, Lena tried to remember how warm the sun Kara brought to her life felt, let her fingers fiddle with the cape she was holding tightly and let every word slip from her lips without trying to contain them anymore.

“I thought that I knew better, that I could make the world a better place. But I was wrong,” Lena swallowed a sob back and tried to hold back her tears, although it was already a lost battle. “That hurt took me to a dark, dark path, where I was blind to what I was really doing, to what I had become. You were right. This whole time I became a villain, and then...” A lot of things had almost happened. And then she lost everything. And then she was proved wrong. And then Lex showed his true colors again. And then, and then, and then. And then nothing. “I’m not looking for forgiveness. I’m... I know what I said and I know what I did, but I am...” Sorry, so terribly sorry. “I am really hoping that you will believe me right now. Okay?”

“Lena.” The single word, her name, wasn’t said softly or gently, but it wasn’t a curse either.

Even so, Lena didn’t look up from where she was staring at the red cape and she didn’t try to stop talking either. “Lex is working with Leviathan, and they are going to...”

“Lena.”

“...use Obsidian to do something terrible...”

“Lena.”

“...using the system I made with my project. I didn’t know I was helping them, but I did. And now...”

“Lena.”

“...Now I want to help stop them, so...”

“For Rao’s sake.”

“...please, okay? I want to help stop Lex and Leviathan.”

“Are you done?”

It was the impatience she could hear in Kara’s voice that made her look up. She had expected Kara to be mad at her, but she wasn’t expecting the blonde to sound so... done. When she looked up, though, all tears rolling down her cheeks and sobs being barely contained, she saw that Kara had a tiny smirk on her lips. The blonde had turned her body to better look at her and she had now an arm draped at the back of the stool beside her while she rested her chin on her other hand.

For a second, a terrifying second, Lena thought it was over. Then, Kara sighed, pulled the stool back and gave it a soft pat. “Sit down, will you?”

Lena didn’t know if she should ask what was going on, scream or cry even more. Instead of doing any of those things, she closed her eyes, took a deep breath and tried to order her heart to stop beating so goddamn loud. When she opened her eyes again, Kara was filling a second mug with hot water and she could no longer hold a thousand myriad of emotions swirling inside.

She allowed herself to cry, then. Allowed a year of bottled-up emotions to escape and take over. Allowed the pain to be known. Allowed it all to be felt.

She was not expecting to feel Kara’s arms warmly embracing her into a tight hug. It didn’t stop her from resting her cheek on Kara’s shoulder or hugging her back just as hard. It also didn’t stop the tears, but that was okay. She knew she could trust Kara to have her back while she wasn’t strong enough to do it herself.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered on top of her head where she was resting her chin and Lena didn’t doubt for a second that she meant it.

“Do you hate me?” she asked lowly, not bothering to raise her voice.

“No,” Kara’s reply came fast and certain. “I don’t think that hating you would be easier than loving you either.”

And when Kara kissed the top of her head, Lena finally felt it. The fireworks she heard about in the romantic cliches Kara made her watch. She felt the fireworks and she felt the heat of the sun. She felt the tingles and the butterflies. She felt safe, maybe for the first time in her life.

“We will figure it out,” Kara whispered again and, this time, Lena knew she was talking more than Lex, and Leviathan and Obsidian, and every other mistake in between.

“We will figure it all out.”

#supercorp #supergirl #kara x lena #lena x kara #kara danvers #lena luthor #melissa benoist #katie mcgrath #fic #ao3 #fanfic #one-shot #oneshot #romance #love #panic attack

[corseque]

Since you played those three’s routes, which one would you suggest if someone wanted the most the thematic ties, without romancing Solas? Blackwall’s feels the most obvious to me, but I’d love your thoughts. Also, how would you rank those romances personally?

BLACKWALL yeah BUT ALSO IRON BULL? And CULLEN too actually?

They’re all so related it’s wild. All 4 are monster husband romances. 

Bear = Blackwall

Lion =  Cullen

Dragon = Iron Bull

Wolf = Solas

In different ways, moral monsters with regrets who are trying to change their life, or are failing to do so. All of them are about the identity of the character, and who they want to be or decide to become. Names, and names changing. Titles and roles in society. Deception and shame.

Hissrad/Iron Bull, becoming tal-vashoth

Blackwall/Rainier, the concept of a “good man”

Cullen as a Templar or a free man

Solas (obvious)

Failure to live up to their promises or their responsibilities to their roles, and generally stories about weakness or faltering

Iron Bull and his responsibility to the Qun but also his men

Blackwall and his responsibility to his men

Cullen and his responsibility to the Inquisition

Solas and his responsibility to the people

About finding faith or strength or trust in those outside themselves

Iron Bull’s shift from the Qun to the Chargers

Blackwall’s shift to the Grey Wardens or the Inquisition

Cullen’s shift from the Templars to the Inquisition

solas’ failure to do this :’(

All of them are about these men trying to transform and heal after experiencing incredible trauma that just breaks you

Blackwall’s deep moral injury, having to live with yourself afterward

Solas’ indescribably deep moral injury that even Cole can barely catch the edges of, it’s so big and horrible

Iron Bull’s deep moral injury, when he lost himself fighting the Fog Warriors, and the tension dividing himself from his people

Cullen’s deep trauma after the Circle collapsed in DAO and Kirkwall collapsed in DA2, and the moral injury of how he contributed to what happened to the mages in Kirkwall, recognizing that and wanting to do better than Meredith

And actually, Bull, Blackwall and Solas in the game fully talk to each other and judge each other and relate and help each other process their traumas because they have such closely related experiences. It makes me so sad that Solas deeply projects onto the others negatively but at the same time is particularly good at helping and comforting the others over these moral injuries. I put their (spoiler) banter under a cut at the end, for reference to show they really do talk to each other about their traumas, and compare themselves to each other. I kind of wish Cullen could have had banters with them too.

As for ranking them, I think they’re all very good. Solasmance is bestmance lol

Blackwall: You haven't said much to me since... well, you know.

Solas: There is little to say. I assumed we were alike. We'd seen war, knew its terrible costs, but understood that it was necessary. But there was nothing necessary in what you did. You did not survive death and destruction. You sowed them. To feed your own desires.

Blackwall: I know that. I see it every time I look in a mirror. I try to make up for it.

Solas: By wearing another skin. You ran away rather than face what you had done. You wasted your time.

Solas: I wish to apologize for what I said to you, Blackwall.

Blackwall: You were right, though. I deserved it.

Solas: My people had a saying long ago - "The healer has the bloodiest hands." You cannot treat a wound without knowing how deep it goes. You cannot heal pain by hiding it. You must accept. Accept the blood to make things better. You have taken the first step. That is the hardest part.

Solas: So, you and the Inquisitor are together.

Blackwall: Yes. Is that a problem?

Solas: Far from it. People should seize any chance for a moment's respite in times such as these. I am glad you've allowed yourself some happiness.

Blackwall: I expected you to think that I should keep punishing myself.

Solas: I would be concerned if you forgot your past, but that seems unlikely. Beyond that, guilt is a distraction. One we can ill afford.

Blackwall: What of you, then? Have you found someone to share a moment's respite?

Solas: I find my peace elsewhere.

Blackwall: You sacrificed your own men.

Iron Bull: I'm Qunari. We don't flinch from duty.

Blackwall: Your men trusted you. You betrayed that trust when you left them to die.

Iron Bull: No.

Blackwall: No?

Iron Bull: Two key differences between you and me, Rainier.

Iron Bull: First, I didn't kill a wagon full of kids.

Iron Bull: My men were holding a position to secure an objective. I mourn their loss and honor their sacrifice.

Iron Bull: And second, I'm proud of who I am. I hope that's not a problem for you.

Blackwall: Not unless you ask me to hold a hill, Qunari.

Blackwall: So, Bull, how does it feel to be Tal-Vashoth?

Iron Bull: Feels a bit like I've been living a lie, and now it's coming back to bite me in the ass. What's that like, Blackwall?

Blackwall: Calm down, I meant no offense.

Blackwall: As you say, I know something of being cut off from a past life, having to find a new way.

Iron Bull: Well, you could've just led with that.

Blackwall: In any event, you have the Chargers. You haven't lost everything.

Iron Bull: Yeah, I think I'm good.

Iron Bull: Now, isn't this better? Getting the burden of that lie off your chest?

Blackwall: And exchanging it for the burden of everyone hating me? Yes. So much better.

Iron Bull: Hey, I don’t hate you. You and me? We’re good.

Iron Bull: Now that you know who you are, you can stop doubting yourself and start hitting crap again.

Blackwall: Why don't we hit a few bottles first, huh?

Solas: You fought the Tal-Vashoth for a long time, Iron Bull, did you not?

Iron Bull: Every day.

Iron Bull: I'd kill some of them, they'd kill some of my guys, and then I'd kill them some more.

Solas: No man can kill so many people without breaking inside. To survive... those you fight must become monsters.

Iron Bull: The ones that kill innocent people, yeah. The rest... I don't know.

Solas: The mind does marvelous things to protect itself.

Iron Bull: Nice job in that last fight, Solas. You really kicked the crap outta that guy.

Solas: I suppose.

Iron Bull: What, you don't think so? You ripped him a new one. It was great!

Solas: Unless the fight is personal, violence is a means to an end. It isn't appropriate to celebrate.

Iron Bull: I don't know. Gotta wonder about anyone who fights as much as we do and doesn't have some fun with it.

Solas: We have fought living men, with loves and families, and all that they might have been is gone.

Iron Bull: Yeah, but they were assholes!

Iron Bull: So, you going to let me have it, Solas? Or do I get to wait and wonder.

Solas: What do you mean?

Iron Bull: We've got the alliance with my people. Given how much you love the Qun, I figured...

Solas: I might scold you? Berate you for your decisions?

Iron Bull: Hey. The Chargers died as heroes for the good of the mission.

Solas: I never said otherwise.

Solas: The truth is, Iron Bull, you are Qunari. I cannot be disappointed in your decisions.

Solas: As a mindless, soulless drone, you could never make any.

Solas: You are not Tal-Vashoth, Iron Bull, not really.

Iron Bull: Well that's a fuckin' relief.

Solas: You are no beast, snapping under the stress of the Qun's harsh discipline.

Solas: You are a man who made a choice... possibly the first of your life.

Iron Bull: I've always liked fighting. What if I turn savage, like the other Tal-Vashoth?

Solas: You have the Inquisition, you have the Inquisitor... and you have me.

Iron Bull: Thanks, Solas.

#Dragon Age #Inquisition spoilers #monster romance #SO MUCH MONSTER ROMANCE #Solas #Iron Bull #Cullen Rutherford #Blackwall #I love romance #these are so good #Anonymous

[jack-o-cel]

I would like to officially introduce one of my OC's that live rent-free in my brain. He's a Resident Evil 8 OC. Even tho he's a fandom OC, he means a lot to me and has grown on me a lot. He's special to me :]

Also please spare me, Resi 8 is my first game in the Resident Evil series.

Forester Vein

Nickname: Ester

Biological Age: 138

Age Appearance: Early 20s

Gender: Male

Sexuality: Gay Demisexual

Place of birth: Norway

Occupation: Miranda's right-hand man. He essentially does her bidding and only takes orders from her. He also has power over the lords but is usually tasked with helping them. Besides that, he's a Botanist.

Family: Both his parents are dead. All he has is his little brother Foxglove, who looks around 7 years old.

Appearance: Forester is about 5'9". He's a twig. He's pretty pale with long white hair (It was originally brown before being implanted with his Cadou). He has light blue faded sharp eyes. He has sharp teeth (an effect of his Cadou). He also wears glasses.

When carrying out his duties for Miranda he wears a white tailcoat with gold accents, a black and white striped vest, a black dress shirt, a white and gold cross tie, black slacks, and black dress shoes with gold accents.

On his own time, he wears a white t-shirt, a beige knitted jacket, black sweatpants, and socks with sandals.

Personality: On duty, he's in what I affectionately call, customer service mode. He's very formal and helpful. He'll hold his tongue. He's Miranda's most loyal servant and does his very best to meet her expectations. On his own time, however, he more casual and sassy. He speaks his mind. Oh, and he hates Miranda with every fiber of his being (which is a lot :3).

In general, he's manipulative, obsessive, and smug. But also caring to those he loves. Would go above and beyond for them. He's a pretty serious and quiet person. Only when he's alone or with his little brother does his playful and goofy side come out. Despite his usual serious attitude, he's very expressive. His most common expression is a mocking smile.

He's very clumsy, especially when thinking about his obsession, whoever that may be. He's borderline yandere (His yandere behavior is a combination of Yuno from Future Diary, and Tsukiyama from Tokyo Ghoul).

Powers/Abilities: Enhanced strength, and regeneration.

Forester can control large thick vines (which look like large tendrils) and all plant life. He can release special pollen that allows him to control plant life (similar to Donna). The vines are different tho. He can control them without his pollen. To understand why first you have to understand how Ester's body works.

His body underneath his skin is made of vines. He also can easily regrow his limbs and regenerate his skin and hair. His vines are an extension of himself. Although his body is his main body, it isn't his core. His core is located underground surrounded by vines and impossible to get to. Vines from the core spread across the village underground. Forester can only go a few miles away from the edge of the underground vines.

The only time his core would be possible to access is when Forester transforms. His transformed state is a 50-foot tall behemoth made of vines. In this state, he's stuck where he transformed. The core is moved to just below the neck area of the vine monster. Fighting Forester is suicide in most cases. He attacks with huge vine tendrils from his arms and the base of the beast. He doesn't tire and his vines regenerate.

There are only two ways to beat him. The first way would involve killing him. You would need large amounts of fire-spreading explosives to slow him down. It makes getting to his core easier, you'll still be getting attacked tho. You'll need to be able to fly (or just about anything that's not climbing) to his core, climbing would take too long. You'll need to plant explosives where the core is sealed away. Once opened, jump in as fast as you can, the vines will close shut rather quickly.

The core is a large amber sphere. it's soft and gooey when touched gently, but if you were to attack it, it would harden. Inside the core is the shape of a man in the form of vines. That's where Forester's brain and Cadou is. Destroying that kills him.

The second method requires cooperation with Forester's brother, Foxglove. This method is to non-lethally beat him. In this method you cant use explosives, Fox won't agree to help you otherwise. You'll need a team to pull this off. You need someone, or a group, to distract the majority of the vines. You'll need a way to get to the core and something strong enough to pry open the vines long enough for Foxglove to enter where he'll take care of the rest. This method saves Forester, but kills Foxglove.

His Area: Just like the four lords he has his own area. You'll need the six-winged unborn vine key to unlock the gate that leads to his garden lab. The lab is outside with a greenhouse nearby. It's a small area. Most, if not all, would miss the entrance to his underground lair.

The underground area is seven floors down with an arena to the right of all the floors. You can peek inside the arena through 5 of the sub levels. sublevel 1 is above the arena, while level 7 is where the entrance to the arena is. The arena's ceiling is about 60 feet tall. It's used for testing Miranda's experiments abilities among other things. Forester uses it to test and train his own abilities (which is why the ceiling is so high :3).

From the main entrance to the bottom level is a spiral staircase. Each sublevel has a floor gate on the steps with a unique lock. To continue you have to find the key somewhere in the sublevel. Each level has its own tactics and enemies. They're all based on the five senses. Also, before entering you will be disarmed, one way or another.

Sublevel 1 - normal. There's an elevator on this floor locked behind a door that requires the vine key, that only Forester, and his little brother (who i'll talk about later in the post) have. The elevator goes to each level by going through hallways behind the arena walls.

Sublevel 2 - enemies that rely on sight. It'll be essentially hide and sneak kinda gameplay. If you get spotted you have to run out of sight and into a hiding place. You cant be seen going into a hiding spot.

Sublevel 3 - enemies that rely on hearing. You have to explore as quietly as possible. If a chase scene happens you have to hide in a special safe room.

Sublevel 4 - enemies that rely on smell. You'll have to regularly step into ponds that have a special substance inside that masks your scent into smelling like the enemy. But you can't get too close to the enemies there. They'll be able to identify you if you're too close. There are special rooms filled with an overwhelming amount of scents that the enemies wont enter.

Sublevel 5 - the enemies there rely on touch. They have long arms and hands that sweep across the floors. All you gotta do is avoid them. Harder said than done tho. The enemies can sense vibrations =). Dont move too erratically. Simple fast movements are best. Since they're rather big, they cant fit inside some rooms.

Sublevel 6 - The enemies here rely on taste. The key in this level is at the end of a large room that's packed with enemies with long tongues. They interact with their tongues. If they taste a human they'll attack. You have to explore the rest of the level for a vine suit to disguise as one of them. A few enemies roam outside the crowded room tho. They whip their tongues around them. It's a pretty wide radius, but it's not fast. To get past them you gave to see the whip pattern. There are no safe rooms or hide spots, besides the merchant room, in this level.

Sublevel 7 - All the above (with Forester roaming around as a treat =3)~

Arena - Boss Battle =))))))

Story: Forester was born in one of the poorest areas in Norway. His parents barely had enough to feed him, and themselves. When Ester was 10 he found a job at a garden owned by an old wealthy woman. To get the job he had to pretend to be rich. He did a lot of stalking to learn the behavior of rich kids his age; he got very good and stalking and slipping on a mask. He also stole clothes and food to look the part. The old lady was none the wiser. For 6 years she believed in his carefully constructed lie.

The old lady happened to have no living relatives, with no one else to give her wealth and belongings to, she gave it all to Forester when she died; He was 16. With his newly acquired wealth, he gave his family a comfortable home, with everything they could need and want.

Forester had always wanted to attend school, but could never afford or have time for it. Now that he could, he immediately enrolled. It was incredibly difficult. He was somewhat educated, he'd stolen books in the past and taught himself, but he was still incredibly behind. Regardless he tried his best and spent countless nights up studying. Eventually, he was able to do more than catch up, but surpass many of his peers.

After graduation, he went to college out of his country where he majored in botany and aimed for a PhD. He met Miranda in college. They had a few similar classes and got along well. Eventually, they became close friends.

After graduating from college they both went out to do their own thing, but kept in touch and traveled often together. Eventually, Forester decided to work as her assistant and learn from her.

In his early 30s, he took in his little brother, Foxglove, after their parents died. Foxglove was around a year or two years old at the time. While raising his brother, Forester felt a void in him filled. He had someone to love and take care of. Someone he could trust and love unconditionally. Both Foxglove and Eva got along well and played often together.

When Eva died, Forester was there to support his closest most trusted friend. When Miranda found the megamycete she went to her friend and explained what happened and her new plan. Forester, although wary, supported her in any way he could. He refused to go near the megamycete tho.

When he got close to it, Miranda pushed him into it. The megamycete grabbed Forester with tendrils and seemed to absorb him into it.

A few months after Eva died. Foxglove wandered into the forest nearby and found beautiful flowers. Ones that shared his name. Curious the boy ate a few of the flowers. Not too long afterward he came to his brother as fast as he could. He felt sick. Very sick. Fox explained what happened to Forester. Panicked he quickly tried his best to make a remedy, a cure, anything with what he had. But with no time or sufficient supplies on hand, Foxglove died in his arms.

It broke Forester. The void from before returned, larger than before. He desperately turned to Miranda for help. Miranda smiled, with something malicious behind her smile, and told him to go to the megamycete.

Inside the megamycete was an indescribable experience. While inside Ester could feel his body painfully changing. It also awoke something hiding deep in his mind. Something he was forced to forget. Miranda had been brainwashing him for years as an experiment in creating a truly loyal servant. He could feel his anger overwhelm him. He thought they were friends. He thought he could trust her. She knows things about him that he never said out loud before. He was hurt, betrayed, and pissed. Forester was determined to confront her, make her pay.

With his mind quieter, Forester remembered his brother. He found Miranda and approached her carefully and asked where his brother is. Miranda took him to an unmarked grave in the forest. He broke down. Miranda interrupted him, and asked him what he was going to do. Was he going to continue to wallow in despair or try to bring Foxglove back?

He clawed his way out of the megamycete. He felt heavy, but he continued. Eventually, he broke through after weeks of being trapped. With him a giant sphere like object covered in vines emerged. Upon inspecting it, he quickly realized what it was. He could believe what he saw. He had to hide it, and fast. He had looked down and had an idea.

He felt a newfound power within him, and with it, he sent his core deep underground where its vines would grow and spread. With his core safe he confronted Miranda. She initially tried to kill him, but found the effort futile. Instead, she spoke a series of words. Forester blacked out.

When he awoke he was sitting in a chair in Miranda's lab. Miranda was nowhere in sight. Desperate to find answers he returned to the megamycete. Touching it revealed the truth. When he blacked out, he was still awake, but he wasn't himself. He saw as he answered every question Miranda asked and did exactly as he was told. He calmed his growing anger and thought carefully. He needed a plan to bypass her brainwash effect.

Soon he began working on his lab and lair. He worked tirelessly on ways to bring back his brother. After years of research and testing, he was able to make an exact copy made of foxglove flowers. Forester not caring that what he created was a copy, embraced the boy and accepted him. Ester explained to the new Foxglove who he was.

Forester was content. He had his brother back. Still, the void remained. Regardless he could now focus on getting rid of Miranda. By then he had learned how to pass messages and take notes unconsciously. He informed his brother about his situation.

As the years passed, Foxglove stayed physically the same, but his mind grew.

Eventually, during the time that Heisenberg began preparing his army, Forester had Fox give him a letter explaining everything he knew. In secret, the two conspired against Miranda.

Currently: So Forester was created for an rp with one of my closest friends (@plague-doctorz). So what happened with Forester is that a war had started with three forces. Heisenberg's army, William's (Plagues' OC) army, Miranda's one-man brainwashed army, Forester. Will provoked Forester into transforming, according to Foxglove's plan. After dealing with many attack from Forester, the pair, with Lady Dimitrescu's help, formed a plan.

William acted as the distraction. With most of the vines focused on him, Alcina, transformed, swooped in through the middle, while dealing with stray vines, and brought Fox to where the core is. She pryed open the vines. Foxglove stepped inside and forced Alcina to let go. The vines shut closed. Inside Fox opened up the amber easily. Even in a brainwashed state, Forester trusted his brother no matter what.

Foxglove began flaking into leaves and flowers and flew into the crevices of the vines that made up Forester. He was able to snap Ester back to his senses at the cost of his life.

Forester had lost consciousness, and when he awoke, Miranda was already dead. He felt even emptier than before. The hole in his heart got wider when he found out what happened.

Right now, a few months later, Forester is at a state where he's on the brink of snapping. What he needs is closure, and something to fill the void in his heart. But can he have both? Will he even get either?

=)

So this is Forester! Please send me any questions and stuff if youre interested. I love to talk about him! Seriously, he lives rent free in my head.

Oh also, here's a picrew of him while I'm still working on his sketches~

His hair down too, cause im a simp,,,

Also here's Foxglove!

Also here's the link to a playlist on spotify based on Forester: here

one last thing

👉👈 @roxyourworld look what i did~

#finally finished writing #this is seven pages in docs #I wrote more than i thought i would #i just have so much thoughts on Ester and Fox #OCs #Forester #Foxglove #Resident Evil 8 #Resident Evil #Resident Evil OC #Resident Evil 8 OC #the garden lab #original character #oc

[conspirwbytheorist-inactive]

Some Cinder Thoughts

So I saw this post from @hoepunkausta a while back and was going to reply. Then I realized that this was the first time I’d actually sat down and taken a good look at Cinder and holy cow is there a lot to this character. Anyways, it got me thinking about Cinder's potential background and, while I've always seen her as a foil and tied to Ruby, I never realized how she could potentially tie in to ALL of team RWBY. Which is. . .pretty awesome from not only a narrative point of view but in regards to character redemption as well. Full take under the cut.

TLDR: If we assume Cinder’s backstory is in keeping with the popular version of the Cinderella tale, it ties-in to a lot of the our heroes’ traumas, giving each of them a reason to relate to her. Currently, Salem maintains control over Cinder by presenting herself as the fairy godmother, because were Cinder to see her as the stepmother she was, she would potentially leave. Were she to break away from Salem, recognizing her shared traumas with the members of Team RWBY could provide her with the connection needed to grow and heal as a person.

***Content Warning: Mentions of abuse/abuser tactics***

Intro

The post itself is pretty simple. Do we think Cinder came from an abusive background or do we think she came from a normal family that died under tragic circumstances before she met Salem? I’d always gotten the vibe that Cinder came to Salem searching for power after a life of rather horrific abuse similar to a more traditional Cinderella story.

The way she craves power, not just as a resource but as something she desperately needs for her own survival (her line about Pyrrha “taking her fate into her own hands” in V2 and the “I refuse to starve” of V7 come to mind), leads to believe that she came from a home that didn’t allow her much freedom or agency. She seems to know exactly what it feels like to not be in control of her own life and, now that she has found her escape from it (Salem), refuses to ever go back.

But how does this translate into ties to Team RWBY? She obviously has been foiled with Ruby, but the other 3? Kind of a big leap to make. Well, stick with me. Naturally, when thinking of a Cinder backstory, it makes sense to look at her main allusion, the Cinderella fairy tale.

A Cinder Story

Cinderella doesn’t start her story with an evil stepmother and step sisters. By most accounts she started out fairly privileged. With that in mind, imagine this woman, who we have come to know as a murdering power-driven villain, as a small child with seemingly everything she needed. A loving family, relative financial stability, decent social standing, etc. until one day, out of nowhere. Her mother dies. And suddenly she finds her world turned upside down. Her father remarries to a woman who loathes her and, who, after his death, does her best to control her, isolate her. Everyday she is told she is lesser than her sisters, meant to act as a servant. To cope with the difficult circumstances, she daydreams about a perfect place (in the main story, the ball/landed nobility but in Cinder’s case perhaps the opulence of Atlas) where if she can just prove herself good enough, endure enough pain, she can finally earn a happy ever after.

Now, what’s interesting here is that in just this bare bones outline of the Cinderella story, we touch on the key traumas of each of our four protagonists. Ruby and Summer’s death, Weiss’s isolation and molding under Jacques, Blake’s experience of racism as a faunus and abuse under Adam and Yang’s attempting to live up to Summer’s ideal to cope with abandonment. Which is really fricking cool because it means if ANY of this hypothetical backstory were to come to light, at least SOMEONE if not EVERYONE from the team has a potential point of empathy for where Cinder is coming from.

Something I love about RWBY is how it (for the most part) does its best to show how people are not inherently good or evil, but rather products of their circumstances and environment. So imagine the narrative and thematic potential of a villain for whom each of our cast could theoretically look at and think “Wow. That really could have been me” instead of “look at this monster”. A moment where they realize that, had things gone a bit differently, had they not been a position to cope with their traumas and actively choose to love instead of being engulfed by their pain and anger, they very much could have been this story’s villains rather than its heroes. A moment where, through Cinder, they concretely realize themselves as products of choice rather than destiny and, in that same vein, perhaps Cinder can see the same for herself.

Okay, but what about the Salem part? If we reduce “badness” all to a matter of choice ignores another key theme of RWBY: the importance of an awesome support network and team to back you up. At every point of the series our heroes have had someone to help them. Ruby had Yang and Qrow growing up before her team and JNR after Beacon, Weiss had Winter and Klein, Blake Ilia and Sun, and Yang had Ruby growing up and Tai after Beacon. But who did Cinder have to help her through her darkest times? No one. Except Salem.

The Case of the Fairy Stepmother

That brings me to the second part of the question: Is Salem the stepmother or Fairy Godmother? Honestly I think it’s both. The real question (and what I think will be the biggest obstacle for Cinder growing as a character) is how does Cinder see it?

In the Cinderella story, the Fairy Godmother and Evil Stepmother play opposing roles. Stepmother does all that she can to keep Cinderella underfoot and away from realizing her full potential as a person while the Fairy Godmother steps in when Cindy is at her lowest and uses her magic to give her all that she needs to get that “Happily Ever After”. In theory it should be impossible for one person to be both at the same time, but turns out it’s a matter of perspective.

Imagine Cinder at her lowest point. Maybe she was a no-name seamstress in Argus who daydreamed about being swept up into the glamour of the Atlas elite. Maybe she was a scared kid who saw becoming a huntress as her ticket out of poverty and into a life of adventure. Imagine her getting that wish of her own accord. Playing the game, doing everything right, biding her time until finally, she escapes - only to find herself trapped in a new way. (a Prince Charming who controls her as a plaything, a student not willing to be a child soldier, there are so many possibilities here). Only to see that the system was stacked against her in way where she could never escape it under her own power. That’s. . . a lot to process and a feeling of hopelessness that I think a lot of us can relate to (especially in our current world-state).

Then Salem comes in and not only promises Cinder the power to create her own destiny, but delivers it. Cinder goes from having almost nothing to magically receiving the means to accomplish anything she desired. All because of Salem. I see a lot of people question why Cinder is so loyal to Salem, but given this view, it’d be very difficult for her not to feel indebted to her savior in some regard.

Furthermore, Salem seems relatively fond of Cinder. She defends her from ridicule in Volume 4, goes out of her way to praise her strengths and, honestly, seems to have more patience with her than the rest of WTCH.  Given her backstory, I wouldn’t even be remotely surprised if what drew Salem to Cinder was the chance to give this angry young woman the power she wished that she had had prior to her curse. It’s almost. . . motherly. In a way I would expect a millennia old woman driven mad by isolation and Grimm Lakes and a very traumatized Cinder to view motherhood.

But, that doesn’t mean that the two have a healthy relationship. We as the audience see how Salem’s “love” comes at a price. She never hesitates to keep Cinder underfoot: oscillating between praise and threats of punishment, criticizing Cinder’s discomfort in Volume 4 as weakness, and making it clear that Cinder is only important to her insofar as her usefulness. The whole “Without you I am nothing” really illustrates how far out of her way Salem goes to make Cinder painfully aware that all that she has, all that she has accomplished is because of Salem’s magic. Salem hasn’t helped Cinder as a benefactor. A benefactor would let Cinder proceed to live her own life. Salem has instead taken advantage of Cinder’s lack of any support network and feelings of isolation to establish herself as Cinder’s sole source of support.

While we as an audience can see how abusive this dynamic is, Cinder can’t. Right now, she’s more or less fully embedded in Salem’s manipulation tactics - Salem’s narrative is her truth. And, even if she does come to see it (don’t think I missed the hints of resentment in the trailer), there’s nowhere for her to go. What can she do? Go rogue? The woman has an entire Grimm army! Turn to Emerald, Mercury, or Neo? They’re all either children or also in on all this! Just like the Stepmother, so long as Salem keeps Cinder feeling isolated, the chances of her escaping or changing remain slim.

Seeds of Support and Redemption

So, that leaves us with two things Cinder needs in order to break away from Salem:

Recognizing Salem as a controlling/toxic “Stepmother” figure instead of a  “Fairy Grimm-Mother” and that this is NOT what she wants out of life.

Finding connections/a support network she can go to after leaving

This is why Cinder having parallels to all of Team RWBY is so frickin cool. I’m still not 100% certain of a full Cinder redemption. Like, I love her as a character. But part of the reason I love her is that she is a hot mess who will go full ride or die no matter the situation. So getting her to even pause and go “is this what I want out of my life?” is probably going to take something pretty drastic to rattle her current convictions.

However, that being said, I find it really suspicious that the team would take a character that could be used to parallel the traumas of all four main heroes and just hang her out to dry. In a different show, I might think they could set her up with a death as a warning for our protagonists. But, that doesn’t make sense. Every possible warning I can think of motivating Cinder’s death is already being conveyed by another character. The dangers of falling to spite? Adam. Isolation causes only weakness and pain? Raven. Sacrificing humanity for the sake of power is a crap idea? Ironwood.

Instead, these seems like a great way to set up a situation where Cinder can find connection. After all, if our team could potentially look at Cinder and go “This could have been me”, what’s to stop Cinder from looking at them, seeing their pain and how they support each other, and going “Huh. Maybe this could be me?”. Especially if something radical has just happened to get her to want to break away from Salem for whatever reason. Maybe I’m just crazy, maybe I’ve been sitting on this too long, but I think that that would be really cool for a show about the power of love and connection to have its longest-term “villain” illustrate how, given support and humanity, victims of abuse can grow and find genuine connection with people.

#cinder fall #rwby #rwby analysis #rwby theory #cw abuse #cw mentions of abuse #This thing took me over a month to write #but i regret nothing #all of this is speculation btw #feel free to comment thoughts! #salem #salem rwby #long post

[minmotl]

Chapter 59: Sui Zhou Forbids Tang Fan From Hiding More Money

Context: 洛水古棺案 The Luo Shui Ancient Coffin Case - This happens after Tang Fan’s promotion and is his first major case after he successfully deals with people who don’t like him at his new job. The case happens at a riverside city called Bei Song (Northern Song). To the North of the city it faces Luo Shui (Luo River), and further up they will see the Yellow River. The town is built near the tomb of the Song Emperor, and while the town and tomb have to frequently deal with tomb raiders, everything is still pretty manageable and peaceful.

Recently, however, things have taken a turn for the stranger, and the courts have put Sui Zhou and Tang Fan on the case.

Before they embark on their next case together, however, some things have to first be ironed out, for example, the royalties from writing that Tang Fan gets but secretly hides from Sui Zhou.

Seeing how his ears are drooping downwards, Sui zhenfushi compassionately caresses at his friend’s head as if he would a dog, “I am not after your money. I just want to help you keep it. Who asked you to be so happy when you see books? We almost cannot stack them up anymore, you have to control yourself.”

Introduction Post | Masterpost

—

Highlights under the cut

Since a year ago, every day when it hits midnight, the civilians living nearby would hear some strange noises coming from Yong Hou Tomb and Yong Shao Tomb. At first, they thought it was the sound of the wind, but listening to it closely, they realised that those were crying sounds.

Yong Hou Tomb is where Song Ying Emperor Zhao Shu rests, and Yong Shao where Zong Ren Emperor Zhao Zhen rests.

Zhao Shu was Zhao Zhen’s successor, but he was not Zhao Zhen’s biological son, because all of Zhao Zhen’s sons died then, which left him with no choice but to take on Zhao Shu, who was from the royal family, as a charge.

These are not important, however. The question is, in the middle of the night, why would there be crying sounds from the royal tombs?

It has been so many years since the emperors from Song dynasty passed away and there are no longer any filial children or virtuous grandchildren. And even if there were, who would choose to cry for these lost souls in the middle of the night?

This is really strange.

The civilians in nearby villages have the responsibility of guarding and watching the tombs, and so after hearing the cries for a few consecutive nights, a few villagers went ahead to Yong Hou Tomb to investigate.

In the end, the people who went, never came back again.

It was only then that the village chief realised something was amiss - he urged other villagers to head forth to locate the missing people on one hand, and on the other, reported this to the Gong County Magistrate Court. Officials sent some men over and also searched thoroughly, but did not manage to find the people who disappeared. The royal tombs are built right next to the Luo River, and officials guessed that these people could have accidentally fallen into the river when they returned in the night.

With this conclusion, the case was wrapped up as well.

After that for a long time, the cries were never heard again. The village seemed to have its peace restored. Aside from those villagers who lost their loved ones, everyone slowly forgot about this incident.

But just half a year ago, those chilling wails emerged again and were louder than before, seemingly accompanied by the roar of thunder. The village chief did not dare to be careless about this and anxiously reported this to the courts again. The Gong County Magistrate thought that the village chief was making a fuss over something small, coming off the previous incident, and so did not think much of this. However, because the royal tombs are located there, he still got some of his officers to bring some men to the village and investigate.

This time, they found three tomb raiding holes near both the tombs of Yong Hou and Yong Shao. It seemed that tomb raiders had their eyes on these two emperors’ resting places, and came for a visit. Regarding the royal tomb being stolen from, the magistrate did not dare to be careless either. And so, he ordered the officers and also six of the strongest and younger men from the village to stake out the royal tombs nearby, hoping to catch the tomb raiders.

Everything was quiet in the surroundings of the royal tombs as the first day passed. The moonlight was like water, and next to them, aside from the sound of the Luo River water flowing, nothing else was heard. Everything was peaceful. The same happened on the second day.

And on the third day, crisis struck.

Three officers, six villagers and the village chief, when they went, they were 10 people in total.

At the end, only two returned.

One of them was an officer, and the other was the village chief.

The first went mad, and the second turned dumb.

The one who went mad was the officer. The village chief and he ran back from nearby the royal tombs, one after the other, and he was incoherent. Whoever he saw, he would try to hit, not to mention saying anything while being in a clear state of mind. The village chief’s expression was filled with horror, and his body drenched in fresh blood. His state of mind was almost that of the officer’s.

After the prognosis of the physician, he concluded that the officer has probably been frightened to the point of insanity. He would probably like this for the rest of his life as there is no cure for it. Although the village chief is old and of dwindling strength, he did experience more things in life and instead, was more resilient than the young officer. After a period of rest, his mental state slowly improved.

However, whenever the happenings of that night were mentioned, the village chief could not be more silent and reluctant to say anything more. It was not until the magistrate himself came over to question him that the man began repeatedly chanting ‘it’s a ghost’ and ‘there’s a monster’ - words related to that. No matter how much they asked, they could not get anything substantive out of him.

The magistrate was out of ideas but also felt that this situation was strange, and so had no choice but to get the investigation reported to higher authorities until it reached Jing city.

“Ghost? Monster?”

In their small courtyard, Tang Fan considers both words and asks, “Could it be the tomb raiders pretending to be ghosts?”

Sui Zhou shakes his head, “I’ve also only just gotten this case. It’s very difficult to ascertain the accuracy of the magistrate’s report just by his words, we will have to head down there personally to make judgement. This happened in the jurisdiction of Henan, and I suspect it will be handed to the Department of Justice for an investigation, and then after that, it’ll also land on the head of the Henan’s Qing Li Si.

Tang Fan laughs bitterly, “That seems like a definite possibility.”

He stretches lazily, “Might as well. Anyway, I naturally have fidgety bones and cannot bear to be so leisurely. I’ve gotten tired of sitting in the courts, and if given the chance, I’d rather go out for a walk!”

Sui Zhou says in a low voice, “I also plan to go personally.”

Tang Fan is flattered, “It cannot be, Sui zhenfushi would like to fight by my side? This is truly this lowly official’s honour!”

Although Sui Zhou is officially only a qianhu, he has become the boss of the Northern Administrative Court in reality. Any higher up than him would be Yuan Bin, so between officials, everyone is already used to calling him “Sui zhenfushi”.

Of course, hearing Tang Fan call him that, the title sounds a little more like (light teasing) mockery than anything else.

Sui Zhou leans into the chair, and taking the cup of buckwheat tea from Ah Dong, he says lightly, “Fighting side by side, maybe not so much. Since I am the zhenfushi, I naturally have to handle all matters. For a small Rank Five official like you, you’ll have to listen to my commands then too.”

Of course, these words are coloured with mirth, as he says it like a joke.

Tang Fan laughs, “Then I’ll have to fight for that with you. You’re a Rank Five army official, and I’m a Rank Five civil official. Since the Ming dynasty came into being, it is always civil officials commanding army officials. If we follow the principle of a Rank Five civil official being allowed to command a Rank Four army official, even if your big boss Yuan came, I’m afraid he would still have to listen to my orders. Otherwise, for someone who as physically unfit as me, what will I do if I go? I can’t possibly head up personally to catch the criminals myself, right?”

He winks at Ah Dong, “Isn’t that right, sister?”

Ah Dong nods, “Yes.”

Tang Fan puts up his leg and proudly says to Sui Zhou, “It’s really good to have a sister, see how considerate my Ah Dong is!”

Ah Dong goes, “I’m saying that Sui-dage is right.”

Tang Fan is dissatisfied, “Why do you always favour the outsider?!”

“Of course I have to side with the outsider. Da-ge, all your money is now in Sui-dage’s hands. Without him, we’d both be homeless!!” she laughs.

Tang Fan retorts, “What do you mean by all?! I only gave him half, don’t I still give you grocery cash every month?!”

Sui Zhou then asks, “So tell us how much money you have on hand right now?”

With both of them staring at him with their four eyes, Tang Fan stammers, “A man’s savings is a secret, you can’t just ask like that!”

Ah Dong then asks Sui Zhou, “Sui-dage, how much money do you have?”

Sui Zhou doesn’t say that she cannot ask, and very honestly says, “I helped him to save 30 taels last year, and then together with the 350 taels he gave me previously, that’s 380 taels. I also have some savings from before, and together it totals up to 1400 taels.”

Ah Dong gaps, “Sui-dage you’re so rich!”

Tang Fan huffs twice in awkward laughter, “The weather is really great today! That dumpling dish has been left alone for too long and it’s waiting for us to eat then. How low class is it to speak about money, our mouths full of the stench of copper!”

Ah Dong covers her mouth as she laughs, “You hid your writing royalties under your pillows and did not submit it. And here I was wondering how long you’d hide it for, but in a flash, you went to buy another stack of useless novels!”

Tang Fan, embarrassed, says, “What do you mean useless books! That is Spring and Autumn, a Song dynasty publication that people can’t buy even if they have money. I only got it after looking out for the book of so long!”

Ah Dong blinks, “Well, there’s another one called The Legend of Chun Chao.”

Sui Zhou frowns, “Why does that name sound a little strange?”

“That’s a proper book on demons, don’t think so much!” he says, guilty.

If he didn’t say anything, that would still be okay, but the more he explains, the stranger it sounds.

“Give it to me so I can have a look later,” Sui Zhou says.

Ah Dong sticks out her tongue at Tang Fan, “I want to see it too!”

Tang-daren feels immense pain, “You took the manuscript for Aspirations of War previously and you haven’t returned it to me yet!”

Although Tang-daren does spend his free time writing fiction books as a way to pass the time and also to get some writing royalties as well, to say that all he writes is erotica fiction, this is truly an injustice to him. Take Aspirations of War for example, he reflected the history of the years of war during the Eastern Zhou period, but because the content is complex, he often does not have time to write it. Only now does he have two-thirds of it finished.

Innocently, Sui Zhou says, “I’m not done reading it yet, I’ll return it to you when I’m done.”

“And when will you finish it?”

“When you promise not to secretly hide your royalties,” Sui Zhou answers.

Tang-daren is so angry right now that he feels like he is capable of doing anything, as he expresses his objections and dissatisfaction at these unfair standards.

“Well you didn’t give me the money either!”

“But I don’t have a habit of spending money unnecessarily,” Sui Zhou’s explanation ends the argument.

“…”

His pride slides to the ground and shatters.

He’s rising up in the ranks as an official, but when he comes home, his status gets increasingly lower! Let him live!

He wants to run away from home…

Seeing how his ears are drooping downwards, Sui zhenfushi compassionately caresses at his friend’s head as if he would a dog, “I am not after your money. I just want to help you keep it. Who asked you to be so happy when you see books? We almost cannot stack them up anymore, you have to control yourself.”

Tang-daren’s face is filled with tears.

===

Notes:

*胳膊往外拐 ge bo wang wai guai

Literally means using your elbow to reach out and hook onto someone else - As a metaphor it means to side with outsiders instead of your closest friends or family.

*满嘴铜臭味 man zui tong chou wei

Literally means for one’s mouth to smell like the rotten stench of copper - as a metaphor it means that it is not good practice or manners to speak about money the way they are talking to each other.

*春潮记 chun chao ji

Sui Zhou is so scandalized when Ah Dong mentions this book - The Legend of Chun Chao, and that’s because when you break the characters down: Spring (chun), tide (chao) and legend/records (ji)

chun also can mean youth or a time of canoodling of sorts

chao can also have a sexual connotation, i.e. to climax

And that’s why he is like “that sounds strange” when Ah Dong reads the title out, and this book is in fact an old story about demons, but the more Tang Fan denies it, the more guilty he sounds basically.

#tsomd #成化十四年 #the sleuth of ming dynasty #fanzhou #tsmod novel #tang fan #sui zhou #i can see fanzhou 60 years old and tang fan still sulking #because sui zhou doesn't let him buy books

[rotten-white-rose]

Well well, I will introduce the protagonist of this blog.

Name: Melody Gheata

Age: Apparently 19 (she really is millennia old although she is younger than Karl Heinz)

Gender: Female

Sexuality: Heterosexual

Birthday: December 29

Zodiac: Capricorn

Nicknames: Mesubuta (by Yuma), Yuki-onna (by Laito), Watermelon (by Ayato), Lilith-san (by Azusa).

Blood type: -A

Status: Dead / Alive

Race: Demon (Succubus) / Vampiress

Height: 1'80 cm

Weight: 60 kg

Eye color: Garnet

Hair Color: White

Body type: Voluptuous

Occupation: 3rd year High School Student, Queen of Hell

Appearance: Melody's style ranges from casual to gothic. What she uses the most are dark colors, such as black, gray, maroon or dark purple. You will never see her in pastel colors or white, since for her, wearing white is wearing a funeral dress. She almost always wears cleavage. Also as an accessory, she wears a special necklace for her that is only removed from her when she goes to sleep, where she leaves safely.

Personality: She is an arrogant and broken woman. She has great pride and always boasts of her benefits. She is flirtatious, she likes to play with fire but she knows the limits and she never gets to the point of burning. Although she flirts more to make the person nervous than to get something. Despite covering herself with an arrogant, frivolous and immature attitude, she hides a woman who wants to be loved just as she is. She always hides her true intentions and feelings.

Hobbies: Studying constellations, reading and playing the piano.

Favorite food: Sarmale (Romanian food)

Relatives:

Father: Lucifer (deceased)

Mother: Rosemary (deceased)

Twin sister: Kuroko (deceased)

Good traits:

Loyal

Charismatic

Compassionate

Kind

Bad traits:

Arrogant

Proud

Immature

Liar

Powers:

Immortality: She cannot die, not even if she wishes it with all her soul.

Self-regeneration: If she receives a fatal wound, she will regenerate, regardless of how long it takes.

Power and custody over two dragons: She ended up ruling hell and with it, by her unwanted power from her, she received the blessing and loyalty of two dragons who rule life and death.

Change in shape or appearance: She can turn into a wolf or change her appearance to hers at a different age.

Clone invocation: She can summon a clone of herself, but said clone is a shell that will only repeat what she wants it to say. Pretty useful if she doesn't feel like doing something.

Story:

In a cold winter, on a night where the moon was bathed in blood, two twins were born who were to be immortal human beings, pure and immaculate beings, all according to the plan devised by Lucifer. However, the older twin was born still alive, with no heartbeat or temperature. A being that was not human, if not a monster corrupted by the demonic and vampiric blood of her progenitors. The younger twin, on the other hand, was born everything as Lucifer had planned, an immortal human. It can be assumed that the monarch of hell was not at all happy with the outcome of it. A plan that ended in disaster, all because of "that thing".

Despite everything, both girls were given love and affection, at least, by her mother, who loved her little and adored Melody with all her soul. From the moment she saw her huge maroon eyes watching her, she fell in love with her tenderness. She was sorry that her husband hated her eldest daughter so much, but she was calm when she saw that she paid attention to her youngest.

"Since Kuroko receives affection from my husband, I will give all my affection to my precious and sweet Melody." Those were her thoughts. However, the demonic blood that ran through the veins of the little one of hers did not take long to blossom, unleashing and corrupting her with only 3 millennia. With an incessant thirst for blood, she slaughtered the army guarding hell and this gave Lucifer the perfect excuse to imprison her. Melody spent 12 millennia imprisoned and tortured. She couldn't die, because her body ended up regenerating even if she didn't want to. She wanted the light, she wanted freedom and wanted with all her soul, her death. But not even that was allowed.

At 15 millennia, she got enough strength to be able to escape from her prison, ending the life of the one who had locked her up and getting the power of hell. Unfortunately, her mother had lost her sanity, due to her guilt and sadness at not being able to rescue her from such an ordeal. Melody fulfilled her mother's request and ended her life in the smoothest possible way. As for Kuroko, the relationship of both sisters was always complex. They hated, envied and at the same time, admired each other. They had a confrontation and the winner was the oldest, although it was not by her own hand. To this day, Melody regrets both the death of her mother and that of her younger sister, she regrets not having been able to do anything. As for her powers, she had become so strong that she ended up gaining the loyalty of the two dragons that today channel her powers. Said dragons were the guardians of life and death: Vitae, the blue-eyed white dragon that hated humans and Mortem, the red-eyed black dragon that, unlike its companion, loved humans.

She decided to stay in hell so she could take over both the kingdom and to investigate her father's writings. She was able to understand the objective that she had set herself to achieve and the reason for those visits with that man who called himself Karl Heinz. That plan ... without a doubt, "that man" had no qualms about using anyone to carry it out. She also found "plan B" and was surprised to see that she was precisely the main target of that plan. She burned the papers after reading them and decided that she would live as a human. It was what she wanted. Freedom and light. She wanted to feel humanity in her own flesh, to feel the warmth and to be able to live among humans. She wouldn't be Lilith… she wouldn't allow herself to be part of a stupid experiment.

Years passed when she had come to the human world and settled in a Transylvanian town. That town was the home of her mother when she was human. Melody achieved a few years of happiness, where she had fallen in love and committed to a human. Just on her wedding day, when she was 17 millennia, she learned secretly that her future husband was only going to marry her to get her fortune and status. She could see that he was with another woman. It was then that she understood that humans were selfish, cruel, capricious, and lying beings. She was carried away by her anger and sadness, letting her emotions speak for her. That is why her snow-white wedding ended up being covered in crimson.

"If my feelings cause this ... if my feelings cause me so much pain ... I don't need a heart!"

She decided to return to hell, where she got a coffin full of white roses. Those flowers were her late mother's favorites and they were her favorites too. She lay down among the roses and decided to sleep for two millennia ... until someone woke her up, for her to continue her reign and receive a visit. Apparently her father's great friend, Karl Heinz, had decided to talk to her about business.

"So, will you accept the proposal, dear?"

“Yes, after all, my life is already boring. Living again between humans and vampires ... fufu, I wonder if your children can really bear it ... I'll make you see that both the plan of "that man" and yours, are not going to bear fruit. Just as my birth was a mistake, the plan to get Lilith and Eve to find two Adam and start a new race… will end in error. "

"We will see if it really is as you say. Until then, I will be a spectator. I hope you don't disappoint me. "

Curiosities:

She has died in every possible way.

She is right-handed.

She has two bodies. The first is the real one, without self-regeneration and the second is the regenerated. Her real body is a decomposing corpse, but due to the self-regeneration that her body unconsciously exerts, she always has a young and immaculate body.

She loves cold temperatures as they make her feel "alive".

She hates and adores winter.

Her fangs are much longer, sharper, and larger than those of an ordinary vampire.

Although she doesn't admit it, she fears loneliness.

She has a great knowledge of the constellations and loves to see the starry sky.

Her hair is extremely long, as she reaches above her ankles.

She is lazy and loves to sleep.

She may feel pain, but she's so used to it that she doesn't notice it anymore.

She tends to woo cute girls, even though she's just kidding.

 When there is a red moon, her powers are increased, while in an eclipse she feels completely weak.

She always wears a necklace that her mother gave her before she died. It consists of a silver cross with five diamond-shaped garnet gems. Behind the cross, there is an inscription in Romanian that says: “You are my light. You are my life. Please live and be happy. " Melody feels extremely attached to that necklace and if it were to break, she would end up devastated, since it is the only memory she has of her mother.

#diabolik oc #diabolik lovers #my oc

[iwillgetridofyourangerforyou]

The Good Doctor Kuseno

More questions than answers Possible Spoilers ahead!!

@gofancyninjaworld​ has a few excellent posts about this already please read them if you’re interested. These posts are well researched and provide a different perspective than my own. I recommend that everyone consume different perspectives to help inform and diversify their own. I also reference a few of them in my post here.

https://gofancyninjaworld.tumblr.com/post/612670463398772736/when-cancel-isnt-an-option 

https://gofancyninjaworld.tumblr.com/post/612685729355759616/what-about-if-the-mad-cyborg-was-created-by

https://gofancyninjaworld.tumblr.com/post/190986677872/the-nysh-forward-the-following-meta-has-been

https://gofancyninjaworld.tumblr.com/post/187738207032/so-conflicts-of-interest-with-whowhat-else#notes

https://gofancyninjaworld.tumblr.com/post/184129389540/how-to-grow-old-and-stay-mad

What do we actually know about the good doctor?

As Fancy Ninja noted: 

He claims to have been chasing ‘that cyborg’ for longer than Genos has been.

He used to be angry over some injustice.

He’s not afraid to take up arms in person.

He’s a skilled scientist/engineer, specifically he “likes to dabble with mechanical engineering”

He’s deeply invested in Genos. Seemingly in both the literal and figurative sense.

Additionally and significantly, He’s not a monster.

Why is 6 important? I mean, if Garou teaches us anything it’s that the lines between Human, hero, and monster are not as clear as we may have initially assumed. And yet, Monsters truly exist in this universe and their existence is significant. (It's also notable here that we have seen a few instances where monsters appeared as the humans they were before they consumed monster cells only to reveal their identity later, but for the moment this seems to be unlikely of Kuseno.) One of the possible interpretations of this fact is that despite his past anger and continued obsession with hunting this cyborg he still has something within him that keeps him human. I’m not sure exactly what that is in this case because if I’m honest, I’m not super certain what makes humanity human in general, in OPM or otherwise. Aside from that, we know fairly little about the good doctor. We know almost nothing about his past.

What he tells us: 

“When I and Genos first met, we didn’t have a single ally. It was as if the pair of us were lost and alone fumbling in the darkness… I dived into research with all I could, trying to come up with some way to fight back at the forces of evil... and yet our troubles were just beginning, because me and my boy-”

vs  THis: 

What does Kuseno have to gain from all his tireless effort into Genos?

Despite my reservations about Dr. Kuseno I’d be remiss to fail to admire his work on Genos. Kuseno has done an incredible job with Genos’ upgrades. The aesthetic and humanizing touches he’s given Genos are so, and I cannot emphasize this enough, important. He has a human looking face and hair. Kuseno has even been aging Genos appropriately over time, he can even eat food normally. (And we all know he’s been keeping Geno damn hot in the process) The things that he’s done to humanize Genos is sincerely one of the most compelling arguments that Dr. Kuseno is a truly good bean. But he’s not off the hook yet. 

When he says that seeing Genos reminded him of his youth when he was righteous and feared nothing always charging in without thought of consequences and I have to wonder, what consequences did Dr. Kuseno experience in his life that changed him? If he’s experienced so much in his life why is he still walking the path of vengeance and promoting that path for Genos? Even if he’s not promoting the path for Genos but merely ‘supporting’ Genos on his path wouldn’t you think someone who was so similar in their youth know better than to fuel a revenge mission? But I’m not particularly apt to believe Dr. Kuseno is merely going along with ‘pushy’ Genos. He definitely has his own motives here and we’re not very clear what those are yet. For this I recommend reading Ninja’s conflicts of interest post to get some different perspectives on his varied motives. One possibility is that he’s effectively living through Genos. There is a scene in Season 2 of the anime where Dr. Kuseno is standing in a beam of light talking about his quest for justice in his youth and Genos stands under Kuseno obscured in shadow. That image made me shudder. Now the care and attention Kuseno gives Genos feels much creepier, like a doll to be dressed up and played with. I hope that’s not the case.  

Who is this Dr. Kuseno and what is his relationship with Genos? Fatherly? Or Patronizing? And what are the ethics and implications of allowing Genos such extreme body modifications.

I love a found family as much as the next person, but I find it slightly suspicious that a doctor that just happens to be an expert in cybernetics arrives in time to save Genos’ life after his village was destroyed by a CYBORG. So, we’ve learned that Kuseno was chasing the mad cyborg before Genos was so maybe that explains the convenient meeting but that makes me wonder, when and how did the Cyborg’s trail go so cold that neither Kuseno or Genos seem to know where it is at the moment (or maybe Kuseno knows something more about this and is hiding it from Genos)? We’ve also since learned that even though cybernetic components are relatively commonplace in this world modifications over 30% are extremely rare. ‘Enhancements’ as extensive as Genos’ are almost unheard of and extremely risky, including a risk of madness. How did Dr. Kuseno become such an excellent doctor of cybernetics? I couldn’t have just been overnight? Learning takes trial and error and mistakes. God knows Genos has given that man more than enough trial and error for a lifetime but what about before Genos?  

Ninja noted that in all of the lab frames Dr. Kuseno stands a fair distance away from Genos. I immediately think of the anime Dororo from 2019 and the way Jukai handles Hyakkimaru, who is likely not less dangerous than Genos in context. Jukai is genuinely fatherly and close, only teaching Hyakkimaru to fight once it became clear the boy would not walk a different path. In the lab Kuseno is cold and distant and the atmosphere is draped in shadow. The contrast between Dr. Kuseno’s behavior toward Genos in public verses in the lab is notable. I don’t really know what specifically to note about it, except that it reinforces for me that the two men barely know each other, which is disturbing given that Genos has known Dr. Kuseno probably longer than he’s known anyone and Kuseno was effectively Genos’ guardian. How much does Genos really know about the man who holds his life in his hands if Genos didn’t even know Dr. Kuseno had a battle suit? What else is Kuseno hiding or omitting? At the same time Dr. Kuseno notes seeing a new side of Genos at Saitama’s apartment. Does Dr. Kuseno know Genos as well as he thinks he does when he says things like “you remind me of myself in my youth.” ? 

Genos believes he isn’t good enough and never will be good enough. Intentionally or unintentionally Dr. Kuseno feeds into this insecurity. Does that mean he’s responsible for Genos’ insecurities? No. But it is a piece of the troubling looking puzzle connecting the two of them. Unfortunately, when Genos goes to see Kuseno it’s often in defeat so he didn’t get much meaningful encouragement from the doctor. Even in victory, after G4, Dr. Kuseno doesn’t give Genos much encouragement. “There are still areas where we can improve you” even after getting a completely new upgrade neither Dr. Kuseno nor Genos seem to be satisfied. We consistently see Kuseno chiding Genos for being reckless and begging him to be more careful and to stay alive at the very least. Perhaps Kuseno is more concerned about losing his investment than the psychological health of his charge? Kuseno is more of a scientist than anything else and it's difficult to fault him for his excellent skills but can you imagine how actually damaging it is for a growing human to literally be a never fished project in the eyes of the person who should be loving you unconditionally. We all need to grow and change constantly, but there is a difference between acknowledging a person’s strengths and weaknesses and only acknowledging (in any meaningful way) a person’s failures. It’s a habit Genos has made for himself but unfortunately, even if not intentionally, Dr. Kuseno may have helped build that habit. Ever since Genos’ family died everything in his life seems to be reinforcing the ‘not good enough’ narrative. Not good enough to save his family, not strong enough to protect anyone. Every victory is shallow and meaningless in his mind because his eyes were set only on the final goal of defeating Mad Cyborg. Which is, likely as not, unattainable. 

Genos may see Saitama as his mentor but he is dependent on Kuseno for his growth making Kuseno far more practically his ‘mentor’. There is an important part of a typical hero’s journey story when a hero must move past the teaching of their mentor and grow on their own. This is a fundamentally important stage to help the hero see that they are ‘good enough’ they have the tools they need to succeed. Sometimes this transition is painful, think back to Iroh refusing to speak to Zuko while they were in the fire nation or when Jukai refused to help Hyakkimaru anymore. Both Zuko and Hyakkimaru were angry and devastated, but it was in the end a vital part of their progress. I fear a mentor who is either not willing or not able to allow them to surpass them. 

Whether through compliance or malice the system created by the relationship between Genos and Dr. Kuseno is one where Genos relies heavily on Dr. Kuseno. If Genos is compromised he could put Dr. Kuseno at risk but the battle suit indicates that Dr. Kuseno may be more prepared to deal with risk than an average scientist. But if Dr. Kuseno is compromised that could put Genos in an early grave. Regardless of the scientists intentions Dr. Kuseno is holding Genos back. Since Genos’ latest upgrade in the anime we’ve learned that Genos used to have safety restrictions on his parts but when we first meet Genos he is about to self-destruct his own core. So what were the safety restrictions for? The practically seem more about preserving an investment than protecting the human being. Garou’s story seems to indicate there is an important part of the path for one to push their limiter is possibly to get to the brink of death itself (probably not the only way) but possibly Genos’ safety restrictions have been holding him well below his limiter for ages. Maybe he can’t break his limiter because of his cybernetic body but I honestly don’t think it’s so cut and dry. (Also I find it sad and notable that when Genos is about to self-destruct he apologizes to Dr. Kuseno for letting him down. Genos wants to live badly, but he’s so deeply self-destructive just the tip of the iceberg of emotional issues Genos is battling. When he apologizes to Dr. K, even though he’s the one who would lose his life! It’s like he’s so afraid of failing the Dr.’s expectations again he’d rather die.) Genos needs to be able to repair himself. I’m desperately afraid that the practicality of complete cybernetic repair will render Genos dependent on someone forever. 

We already know that Genos would do anything to get stronger but what has ‘doing anything’ looked like for him? What does it mean for him? I don’t really know how you can take one look at this guy and deny he’s already made painful sacrifices to get stronger. It looks like he’s willing to sacrifice his dignity, youth, life, respect, independence, joy, all sensual pleasures, and much much more for his goal to be stronger. That goal servers a purpose and that purpose was given to him by Dr. Kuseno when his village was destroyed ‘defeat Mad Cyborg’. But what will his goal for ultimate strength be without the purpose that will almost definitely be taken away from him. Even if it isn’t and he accomplishes it what will he do then? Will the sacrifices be worth it in the end? Will he be able to rebuild a new purpose and a new life for himself?

#genos #opm #meta #one punch man #Forgive me I don't know how to make links look nice on tumblr rn #dr kuseno #kuseno #saitama #demon cyborg #cyborgs #How and why did he recognize the parts that Genos brought him #What does this mean? #“Somehow or other I ended up supporting Genos? #And yet Genos directly attributes his survival from the Mad Cyborg to the good doctor? #Before the doctor mentions that he’s been tracking the Mad Cyborg longer than Genos #and inquires how Genos’ search is going? #Is Dr. Kuseno is responsible for the creation of the Mad Cyborg? #Does Dr. Kuseno actively puts Genos at risk to gather useful data? #Was Mad Cyborg was destroyed already? #and does Kuseno know this? #Is he hiding that information from Genos to keep Genos hungry and desperate? #making him easier to manipulate. #If Dr. Kuseno and Bofoi are rivals and genos could be dangerously caught between them in the future? #I did a lot of research for this post because it’s a really dicy topic I have a lot of conflicting views about #I also have a bag full of internalized resentment I'm working through so please don’t look in there. #one punch man webcomic

[lladyariall]

Badgerclops literally falls in love with Mao Mao at this point (officially) because this is probably the most touching moment he has ever had alongside the grumpy hero. The cyborg's intentions are pretty clear that Badgerclops does have a small crush on Mao Mao, since he is bisexual in this series, throughout the entire start of the show, and he deals with quite a bit of neglect and bad tantrums from his boyfriend- I mean, best friend.

To start off, Badgerclops wants to be physically closer to Mao Mao.

Badgerclops has a new family now that he believes he can try to find new ways in this life to settle down a little more, and according to research, natural ways Badgers show their mates they care by providing a secure den to share kits with or hibernate. Sure, they didn't give birth to Adorabat, but adoption is still as thick as blood, so these two are kicking it in to high gear when it came to welcoming this little girl in their lives. Both heroes already settled to being Mao Mao as a dad figure/hero trainer and Badgerclops has the mom figure/positive role model in their family.

Badgerclops is super ready to have a family, by now. It shows that Badgerclops see's his chance to find someone close to him (besides Adorabat) since after finding Bobo-chan; yet, he catches unto this big maternal instinct to go raise a monster baby.. by himself. He grew waaay too attached to that creature too fast, too soon without thinking of the consequences. He already has a child but he doesn't feel like he has a legit family since Badgerclops and Mao Mao keep faltering their relationship, sometimes. Hell, even when he could have done more to prevent from Bobo letting be adopted by Badgerclops, not even Mao Mao argues any further to ditch off the baby; which, for SOME reason, he just let's Badgerclops be happy as a pretend mother to the point of holding Adorabat back from attacking the two. It's crazy how Mao Mao may not want Badgerclops to touch him all that much, but he's okay with letting his boyfriend- friend go off on his just so he can be happy? I think in the end of every episode, Mao Mao sees more and more how his friend's feelings are, in small and big ways, that only adults can see and Mao Mao is not acting on them, for a reason.

To be fair, I think that Badgerclops has been giving off hints to Mao Mao, and it just goes way past the little guy's comfort zone; it seems like he grew a bad case of needing his personal space every social encounter he has that Badgerclops and Adorabat both try to break, and he will guard his body to prevent from anyone touching him (especially the Sweetie Pies.) Buuut we forget how "persistent" Badgerclops can be when it comes to provoking Mao Mao on purpose VS him laying down a few attempts to be able to, well, touch the sheriff cat. He wants to be physically closer to Mao Mao, which is not working out; but there is a twist to this. I think Mao Mao notices these touches quite often (after all, he is always on duty for action) that he allows it from time to time, and yet he probably never touched Badgerclops unless it was a time or moment that he forgot to keep his emotional guard up. He doesn't cherish Badgerclops as much as he should because he believes that so much could take his reputation away, and even ditches off his boyfriend's feelings from being so high-strung to be beside his abusive dad. Wow. That's.. that's harsh, right there.

These two are super duper close as best friends go. They just don't know where to truly talk down their feelings for each because the pressure of Mao Mao's actual wants and desires are stronger than having a stable relationship right now. It's crazy how much they cherish each other to the point of interacting as a legit cartoon couple; from the bickering, to the small challenges they engage with each other, giving each pther compliments, trying to make the other jealous, having a lot in common, being each other's ying and yang, small touches, adopting a child, never giving up on their relationship, sharing a home, and I could keep going but I would take up this entire paragraph. So, Badgerclops shoves it all down; the feelings he tries to hide from Mao Mao, and they slip up from time to time, because he thinks he has the emotional stability to let Mao Mao lean on him, like how the black feline sort of leans on their daughter. But the grumpy sheriff can't take Badgerclops that seriously if he has to admit he's wrong, going back on what he believes, and crashing a lot of reality on him at once.

To be fair, I think since they crashed by accident in the Ruby Pure Heart, maybe they are emotionally being more open and Mao Mao is having a small crisis in his mind that he could already be living the life of a full time husband and father; and that freaks him out. Mao Mao doesn't truly adore labels, unless they're heroic ones, and his one goal in life is to hear his dad say the words he wants to hear. And Badgerclops can't fill that hole. I think the deep pain in Mao Mao's heart is too great to let him move on and grow up emotionally for him to find a stable relationship with anyone. Badgerclops can deal with Mao Mao and his hard personality, unless given a reason to, from their recent history; but.. what if Mao Mao actually knows he just isn't capable of working a relationship out with Badgerclops, is because he makes him a better person when he wants the one who HURT HIM to take that pain away until he's ready to mentally find himself inside? I think he hides out from Badgerclops' advice because he doesn't want to hear a dad, he wants to hear a boyfriend/co hero be able to support his childish decisions (since he practically raised himself) but Badgerclops is only trying to be a little hero in Mao Mao's beliefs and save his confusion from getting any worse; which it normally does.

If Badgerclops knows his friend well enough, becoming a legendary hero is not going to be put aside because of some relationship they love each other in. It probably is on Mao Mao's list of what a hero should and shouldn't do, and sadly, it's probably a "should not date your co hero" priority. I think Mao Mao does have feelings for Badgerclops and I will talk way more about that in my future blog, but he rejects everything Badgerclops physically offers and even advice is from being unable to admit he might be the best fit for his soft-hearted companion.

Final thoughts about Badgerclops having a crush on Mao Mao is that if it comes to not getting off the couch at all, the large mammal will not give up on Mao Mao. To him, Mao Mao is more worthy doing whatever can make him happy (or stop bitching) and he can't push any further to court the cat, until Mao Mao comes around through his past issuses. For his own emotional support, Badgerclops has found a perfectly comfy spot to be in between a good friend as well as letting out a little love when he comforts Mao Mao. He even gets him to listen in the very end, sometimes, and throughout the series, Mao Mao listens to Badgerclops more and more from every experience they share as a family. It's truly touching how much Badgerclops gives a lot of his life to be around Mao Mao. He doesn't have to stay with him or Adorabat, at all. He can leave at ANYTIME and he freaking doesn't!

Like, if you really think about it, Badgerclops is almost a better fit for a legendary hero if he put all his energy into bringing down Mao Mao, and the Pure Heart Valley Kingdom, he could rule the world. He has the smarts, the tools, and the strength to out live this evil idea but he doesn't because being beside Mao Mao.. is what makes him truly happy. (I'm pretty damn sure if you have the cherishable locket to Badgerclops, a photo of him and Mao Mao meeting is what will probably pop up.. just saying. Lol) He doesn't want to live up to Mao Mao, he wants to be by his side throughout of the rest of their lives. Badgerclops made his choice to live forever beside this stranger he once almost got his ass kicked by, and now they're raising a little girl. Huh.

These two are going to get closer somehow. I hope they become canon as soon as possible. They belong together and if they could be a little more able to talk about their emotional feelings without too much critism than I'm pretty sure they would be making out, by now. Lol. Oh well, we'll have to wait and see :)

#mao mao #badgerclops #adorabat #heroes of pure heart #blushy blush #badgermao #maoclops #mini blog #i guess #i need sleep #sorry if it is hard to read

[shirtlesssammy]

7x11: Adventures in Babysitting

Then:

Cas is dead, and we continue to salute those brave souls that continued to watch this show live without him. Also, Bobby is now dead and I really hate season 7 on so many levels. (Natasha: I survived through pure denial.)

Now:

Knife-wielding Ishim Dude sits at a cafe watching a couple outside. When the couple walks off, he pays the waitress, Marlene, and runs out, chasing them. He tracks them through parked semi-trucks. Suddenly Marlene is there. She drugged him. She flashes snake eyes and pointy teeth before knocking him out. 

Week One

Sam and Dean are at Rufus’s cabin drinking beer and watching TV. All they can really summon the strength to do after Bobby’s death. 

Week Two

Dean’s REALLY drinking and he’s trying to decipher the numbers Bobby wrote on Sam’s hand right before he died. 

Week Three

They’re deep into tracking Dick Roman.

For Dean and Pen Caps in his Mouth Science:

Sam wonders if they should tell other hunters that Bobby’s gone. Dean wants nothing to do with that. Bobby’s phone rings. Dean wants nothing to do with that. Sam answers. A young girl is on the other end looking for Bobby. She tells Sam that her dad told her to contact Bobby Singer specifically. She hangs up when Sam tells her Bobby isn’t there. Sam wants to track the girl. Dean gets pissy because they’re waiting on Frank to get back to them on Bobby’s numbers. 

The brothers separate. 

Sam tracks down the residence where the girl’s phone number was registered. Sam tells the girl, Krissy, that Bobby is dead. It seems that Krissy’s dad is a “salesman” and has been gone for five days without calling. Sam sees flashes of his childhood in Krissy’s apartment. 

He roots through Krissy’s dad’s stuff until he finds the dude’s murder board in the back of the closet. He has a start on where the guy disappeared. 

Dean, meanwhile, pulls up to Frank’s hideaway. It’s completely gutted. But Frank is there, guns ready. 

He thinks Dean’s a Leviathan, but Dean proves he’s human by bleeding real red human blood. Dean makes Frank prove he’s not a monster either. They head to an RV in a shed where Frank has set up his new surveillance shop. Dean is livid that Frank hasn’t got back to him. Frank has lost track of time and doesn’t see the big deal (and yet is paranoid beyond words..). Frank admits that he thinks the number is incomplete. 

He ran a probability program to complete the number and found that they’re coordinates to a field in Wisconsin. 

Roman Enterprises recently purchased the land. Time to survey the place.

Sam heads to the morgue to view a dead body, drained of blood with bite marks on his leg and neck. The coroner suggests a vampire attack. Sam doesn’t see the humor. 

Sam and Dean reconnect and Dean tells Sam about the field in Wisconsin. He also tells Sam that Dick’s at a Ted conference. He read it on the Huffington Post. Sam wonders when Dean started reading. And I WaNt tO sEt YOu On FirE SamUEl. 

Dean and Frank head to the field to check things out. 

For Dean in Costume Science:

Frank notices lots of Roman surveillance cameras and decides they should hack those cameras. 

Sam calls and leaves a sleeping Dean a message that the missing hunter was hunting a Vetala. They feed slow so Krissy’s dad might still be alive. 

Sam then heads to where Krissy’s dad was last and talks to Marlene. She sends him to talk to the woman outside. He asks her about Krissy’s dad. She tells him that she’s never seen the guy, and then in a lower tone tells Sam that “it’s not safe here.” She leads Sam away. She tells him she’ll talk to him in private, so they head for the canyon privacy of two parked semi-trailers. When the waitress comes out, fangs a-blazing, Sally turns out to be a vetala too. Together, they take Sam out.

For A Tiny Bit of Shirtless Sammy Science:

Dean wakes up to Frank settled in front of his surveillance monitors. Apparently Dean slept sitting up in a half-lit trailer for 36 hours??? DEAN BBY. Dean stares blearily at the video. Roman Corp. is planning on building something new in that field. Dean’s less than impressed at their progress, and Frank fires off some advice. “Quit.” It’s either that, or burn himself into nothing chasing after Dick Roman. “Decide to be fine ‘til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you're alive and that's your job. Then do it again the next week.” Look, I know this episode is in our hate watch week, but I’ve always been particularly fond of this exchange. SO GOOD and SO SAD. Krissy interrupts this moment to call Dean and tell him that Sam’s now missing too.

Sam wakes up tied to a chair. There are bodies in the room (the SMELL, people, come on clean up your meals) and Lee Chambers is tied up next to him. 

Sam tells him that Krissy contacted him. Lee fills him in. The vetala have fed on him three times already and he’s incredibly weakened. One more time and he’s dead. 

Dean heads into the Chambers’ house like an angry cloud. He tries to shoo Krissy away as he investigates, but Krissy won’t allow any of that. She let Sam take the lead in the investigation while she hung back to be “normal,” but now she’s all-in. 

She demands to be brought along on the hunt and tells Dean that she memorized all her dad’s case notes and then destroyed them. He NEEDS her. In the car later, she tries to talk to him. Dean’s not into light conversation. “I'm a fun guy. I'm actually awesome. Okay? But right now, I'm not in the mood.” Dean then threatens to drop her off at a MALL. Hello, child of my generation. Dean speculates that Sam and Lee were bested by the vetala because they both thought the monster was a loner. Dean knows better from a Sammy-at-Stanford hunt experience where he learned that they hunt in pairs. 

The revelation that Sam went to college stuns Krissy. Dean goes into dad mode, suggesting that she could go to college as well… 

Sally the vetala chats with her trussed up prey before bending her head to Lee’s neck. Sam baits Sally away from Lee, telling her that he enjoyed hunting vetala in the past. Sally rewards him with a big ol’ chomp, sparing Lee for a little while longer. 

At the truck stop, Dean and Krissy compete to see who’s the biggest tough guy. Krissy hasn’t ACTUALLY hunted any monsters yet, but she’s totally ready. She spots Marlene, the blond vetala, climbing into a truck and driving it away. They tail the truck to the vetala feeding ground. 

Dean celebrates by asking for a fist bump. Krissy calls him a “dweeb.” (Me: creaks rocker and asks if anyone actually uses the word dweeb anymore.) Dean continues to be my favorite because when Krissy finally accedes to a fist bump, he cuffs her wrist to the steering wheel. She’s going to stay in the car where it’s safe! He heads off with her lock pick safely in hand. (But let’s be real, that car’s gotta be brimming with weaponry and picks, right?)

The vetala are merrily feeding on Sam and Lee when Dean arrives. There’s a scuffle, quickly interrupted by Krissy storming in and heading straight for her dad. Sally grabs hold of Krissy and promises to release her if Dean lets Marlene free. 

There’s a standoff. 

Marlene moves in to kill Lee, and Krissy pleads with Dean for help. Dean freezes as he watches Krissy plead, and I imagine that he’s replaying some choice flashbacks to his own sorry childhood. Krissy twists suddenly and kills Sally with a knife she had hidden on her person. Marlene is quick to follow, killed by a newly freed Sam. 

Later at a hospital, Lee’s grateful but Dean’s instantly on edge. “Don't thank us. Quit. Your daughter's 14 years old. She's already a hunter with a kill under her belt. I'm not trying to be a dick, but what do you think that does to her life span? She could still be a regular kid.” He tells Lee that family’s a good enough reason to get out of hunting for good, no matter what tragedy first instigated it. 

Outside, Krissy implies that the Chambers family may be giving up hunting and that college could be in her future after all. We get some Dean smiles and it feels like sunshine in this dark time. 

In the car, Sam and Dean talk. Neither of them are doing okay, but they’re still alive and fighting. While Sam settles down to sleep, Dean smiles as he tries to take Frank’s advice to just get through it day by day. Just like that, all the sunshine is gone. Oh, Dean Bean.

All Quotes Hunt in Pairs:

Gwyneth Paltrow is not a Leviathan

You think it's easy to see this deep into what's real and also be bipolar with delusional ideation? 

Decide to be fine ‘til the end of the week. Make yourself smile because you're alive and that's your job. Then do it again the next week

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive! 

#spn recap #spn rewatch #spn 7x11 #adventure in babysitting #dean winchester #sam winchester #hate watch week #supernatural season 7

[sprinkledonion-blog]

Another real long “I don’t like Bumbleby” post (Part 2)

Part 1 is here. 

The Adam fiasco

We’ve reached the most controversial point in the essay: Adam.

Adam was… a symbol. He didn’t have much to offer in personality and screentime, but he represented. Until he stopped representing and became a mere tool for Bumbleby to develop.

I know, I know, another Adam fan who coincidentally dislikes Bumbleby. What can I say?

Adam was the sacrificial goat for Bumbleby. His existence became so tied to them that his whole faunus vs SDC plot became just an afterthought. He became a puppet to do Evil Things; if you pay close attention, especially in daylight scenes, you can actually see the strings on his back.

Adam had lost his way in every sense of the word. And he became a monster: Bumbleby’s heart.

Bees are gonna beat me up for this one.

Yes, Adam became such a vital piece for Bumbleby to develop, their whole relationship revolved around him. Yes, he traumatized both girls, but V1-V2 gave us nothing else to chew on. No bonding, no cute smiles, no development. Adam triggered the rise of Bumbleby like kaboom. Bam, now there’s Bumbleby. And what cemented their relationship? Killing him.

I need to ask: why does a wlw relationship revolve around a man? Why does everything in RWBY come back to a man? Jaune speaks over Ruby. Pyrrha dies so Jaune can have development. Qrow steals screentime along with Oscar like a madman. Adam is a matchmaker. Can the “RWBY is a feminist show” take die already? It ran away when Pyrrha was fridged.

Worse is? Bumbleby is good because Bumbleby is BETTER than Tauradonna.

Or so it seems. Ahem.

Now. Of course it’ll be better than Tauradonna, as it isn’t an abusive relationship. But what I mean is, this is the ONLY thing going for it. Oh, you should ship it because it’s better than Tauradonna. No, it’s not its own thing. It’s just better than Tauradonna. And no, we can’t stop comparing to it.

I know abuse leaves you a wound it’s difficult to heal, and you’ll inevitably make a comparison. I’ve been in an abusive relationship too. But Bumbleby should be its own thing, developed separately from Tauradonna, and then compared. I didn’t get enough screentime and reasons to ship them, and now you want me to compare it to an abusive relationship? Of course I choose Bumbleby! The other option is horrendous and… hey, this is more manipulative than I thought!

And the killing… oh, there’s nothing more romantic than killing a guy together. Maybe I’ll try this next time I wanna date a dude. Forget Netflix and chill, this is the real thing!

The show handled it… shakingly okay. Blake cried, Yang comforted her. Alright. Fine.

But now Adam’s not here, what’s gonna happen? Let me guess: we’ll get all the Bumbleby screentime we didn’t get early enough. Some say “Great, now it’s gonna be RW-BY instead of RWBY”. Maybe. I don’t really care. Ruby seemed to be more comfortable alongside JNR, and Weiss does what she can. Maybe she could get incorporated to the team too? Or form a new one with Qrow and Oscar (and Ozpin)? Hey, it’s not a bad idea. Either way, the dynamics will change, but as long as they don’t take too much time off other characters, it’ll be fine. I gave up.

DC comics development

I’m not 100% sure of how to feel with this one.

I couldn’t read the DC comic, but some… definitely interesting screenshots were posted. I could see that they don’t care very much about canon (I can’t take Raven seriously anymore). But they also patched some things up, meaning: Bumbleby.

Remember when I complained about not seeing enough Bumbleby bonding to actually buy the ship? Well, DC comics gifted us one, two, eight panels of Bumbleby bonding: borrowing books, offering food, braiding hair. Sounds very nice… and very late. And very fake.

Why didn’t we see this on the show? This feels like those eight panels are supposed to show peak Bumbleby bonding and we must be satisfied with it. Peak LGBT+ representation right there. Why didn’t we cut off Arkos, Renora, Iceberg and Blacksun and spent time with Bumbleby instead? Why should I feel satisfied with a mere eight panels?

Not genuine at all.

Bonus: the newest take goes like “DC comics was CRWBY trying to build more Bumbleby with moments at Beacon we didn’t get to see in the show because the episodes were ONLY 6 MINUTES LONG”. So CRWBY had time to build Arkos, Renora, Iceberg, Blacksun and not the main ship? Those 6 minutes were enough to build straight relationships but not the main wlw one? What an unfortunate coincidence.

What would have you done differently?

Team BSCE.

Bonding: why is Yang interested in Blake? Why is Blake interested in Yang? What does make Yang feel like she can be vulnerable around Blake instead of, let’s say, Weiss? What do they talk about, that isn’t Adam, or Ozpin? Do they have private jokes? Do they look forward to spend time together? Does Blake know what Yang’s favorite food is? Do they train together more time than they should? Why do they love each other? How do they support each other? Does Yang read books about faunus?

Showing: how does Yang feel when Sun flirts with Blake? How does Blake feel when Yang flirts with guys? What makes them blush? What is their body language? Do they notice things about each other no one else notices? Do they think about closeness? Do they think about each other at night? Do they think about kissing each other? How does their attitude change? Do the rest realize something’s going on?

Conflicting: besides Adam, what problems do they have? Blake has been shown to feel like a burden and isolate herself, but what about Yang? Do they have things about each other they barely stand? Do they share the exact same mindset? Do they have arguments and about what? How do they handle disagreements and arguments? How do they approach problems? How do they fix them? Do the same problems come up over and over again? What things they don’t tell each other? What do they hide from each other? Do they expect each other to defend them on arguments with others?

Exploring: what’s their endgame like? What are their dreams and goals, and do they collide with each other? Do they think about the future? Do they have a theme? Did they develop separately, as individual people, before developing their relationships? Are they dependent? If one of them died, would the other (take revenge and) move forward, or fall into deep depression? Can they live apart from each other and things don’t change? And what if things do change? What things change? How do they face change?

Yes, I love asking questions. One brings another, and another, and before you realize, you thought a lot about the couple and their core. You don’t need to answer every single one of these questions, but it can help you develop a clearer and deeper relationship, better than… I don’t know, sudden love?

Show bonus (what I posted on twitter):

·         Yang interested in faunus. It is sudden, and Ruby realizes (Yang taking lots of notes during history class but only on faunus lessons, finding her in the library reading about faunus [allows for cute funny moment! Yang never reads!], talking to Velvet)

·         After being informed, Yang asking Blake about her experiences (Adam topic could be brought up and thus foreshadowed), making them closer. This also has an impact on Yang, which drives her to defend Velvet from Cardin, making friends with Sun, etc

·         Yang would also be more careful about the jokes she makes, trying not to make any racist ones and letting Blake explain her which ones are

·         Just talking in general. Deciding to spend time together when they're free (that does NOT mean they're never with the group)

·         Free time together allows for more talking and deeper topics brought up more naturally (ex: more about Yang's mother, maybe some other insecurities, further deepening her character)

·         Blake realizing Yang is allowing herself to be "weaker" around her, so she supports her a lot

·         They would defend each other in an argument against Weiss for example, and if that isn't the case, whoever wasn't defended would feel hurt and they would have to talk about it (fixing problems and talking out disagreements)

·         LISTENING AND TALKING TO EACH OTHER

·         Knowing small things about each other, for example Yang's secret place when she wants to think, Blake's favourite tea, etc

·         Yang trying to show off her strength, making flirtatious comments that Blake doesn't get and getting embarrassed

·         Yang feeling hurt when Blake spends more time with Sun and seems to be falling in love with her, but not acting on it because she doesn't wanna to get in their way and wants Blake to be happy

·         Blake missing Yang

·         Yang trying to flirt with other girls and Blake feeling strange

·         When talking with Sun, the Yang topic is brought up frequently and Sun realizes and tells Blake she seems special, Blake starts to realize something

·         Blake running away breaks Yang as she had put a lot of trust on her, even allowing herself to be "weak", and she knew about Yang's abandonment issues. Yes it's the same in canon, but it had more buildup and thus is more heartbreaking

·         During Menagerie arc, Yang is brought up often and Blake finally realizes her feelings, while Sun accepts his place as just a friend and supports her all the way (also Yang is his friend too, remember!)

·         From this point on you can drop canon on it just fine

·         BUT ADD THE TALK™! They need to talk about Blake running away. PLEASE.

Conclusion

This is not me saying “Do NOT ship Bumbleby”. Ship whatever the hell you want. I ship things that don’t even make sense. This is me saying “Your ship isn’t as good as you think it is, please stop attacking other shippers for pointing it out, and no, your argument ‘you’re just homophobic’ isn’t always valid”.

I don’t want to talk about bees anymore. Never again. But I probably will, when volume 7 drops. Until then…

Beehaw, I guess.

#bumbleby rant #rwde #rwby rant

[hyoubusqueenofespers-moved]

Kyousuke Hyoubu + Shadow Angel Self Ship Headcanons!

~

Since I’m in a headcanon kind of mood, I have created some new Kyousuke Hyoubu and Shadow Angel (Hyoubu x Azusa), aka the Zettai Karen Children power couple.

Headcanons:

* Hyoubu and Azusa are considered to be the Most Dangerous Esper Crime Duo In The Underworld (Hyoubu says their team name of him and Azusa as a duo is known as Shadow Angel). Combining their incredible powers and strength, their great intelligence, their unmatched teamwork and synergy, and their strong and unbreakable love; devotion; and trust for one another; Hyoubu and Azusa have proven to be an absolute power couple in the eyes of their enemies, having decimated many enemy criminal empires; get away with various crimes and stealthily avoiding authorities; easily take on enemies with a lethal yet synchronized fighting style. Due to this, Hyoubu and Azusa are sometimes referred to as ‘The Power Couple from Hell’. Due to how much of a threat Hyoubu and Azusa are as a duo, many people try to avoid them as much as possible and are wanted in several countries for their undying criminal record.

* Hyoubu likes gushing about Azusa a lot and often reminds others how much he loves Azusa, which he does towards PANDRA members to even strangers. He is often seen calling Azusa cute nicknames and like call Azusa “King” and reminds Azusa that he is “His King”. Even during battle, when taunting/teasing his opponents, Hyoubu is still calling Azusa cute nicknames.

• Hyoubu has created official PANDRA merchandise of Azusa such as plushies and a couples keychain featuring Hyoubu and Azusa. Whenever someone new joins PANDRA, Hyoubu is always handing out the couples keychain of him and Azusa.

* Hyoubu loves to treat Azusa like a king as well, treating him to very lavish clothes and meals. He evens buys Azusa a throne for when Azusa and him become kings, they’ll be able to sit on it even has a top hat with a king crown attached to the hat reserved solely for Azusa.

* In one of the predictions, a few seconds prior to the war starting, Hyoubu is seen accompanying Azusa now, recognized as King of Eternal Darkness, sometimes called King of Espers, on their throne watching the events unfold on a large building roof.

* Hyoubu is a wholesome and protective father to his daughters, Dominique and Yugiri, who is often seen calling princesses and loves them to bits. He’s also very protective of them as well as Hyoubu assigns three of PANDRA’s strongest esper bodyguards, known as Protectors of The Princesses, assigned to accompany and protect Dominique at all times and prevent her from being harmed by outside forces, engaging in fights with those who intend to do so; whenever Dominique is traveling outside of PANDRA to do things such as shopping or getting ice cream when Hyoubu and Azusa are too busy to do so.

* Speaking of protective father, Hyoubu is incredibly protective of his daughters and whenever he learns that one of the girls gets hurt; Hyoubu does everything in his power to find their attacker, even getting his hands dirty just to find them. Once Hyoubu finds them, Hyoubu becomes incredibly terrifying in the eyes of his enemy and rains hell upon them, inducing fear upon his foe for hurting those he loves and has absolutely no problem with killing anyone who hurts his daughters, ensuring that NOBODY is allowed to hurt his kids and get away with it.

* Hyoubu doesn’t mind getting his hands dirty for Azusa. Same for Azusa.

* Both Hyoubu and Azusa have positively influenced each other and motivate each other in dynamic ways.

* Hyoubu has a cruise ship and submarine that he owns to sometimes use for PANDRA HQ. Hyoubu names the cruise ship after Azusa, calling the boat “Eternal Darkness” while he calls the submarine “Pyromania”. Eternal Darkness is the name of Azusa’s alias as king while Pyromania is a reference to his daughter’s name when she becomes the Princess of espers. The submarine originally didn’t have a name at first but once he become a father, he ends up dedicating the submarine to Dominique.

* Despite Hyoubu being incredibly powerful, Azusa only felt calm and collected whenever he’s with Hyoubu. Though Hyoubu is very powerful, Azusa has never shown fear towards Hyoubu at all, even when Hyoubu is intimidating his enemies and showing his powers. An example of this comfort is Hyoubu is when Azusa sees Hyoubu in his Unlimited Mode for the first time. Despite Unlimited Mode Hyoubu being strong enough to destroy aircraft with his energy sword and destroy entire buildings, Azusa only remained calm and affectionate to him despite Hyoubu’s immense power. Azusa even hugged Hyoubu while in this mode. Hyoubu, despite being in Unlimited Mode, never harmed Azusa and even though Azusa was incredibly comfortable in the presence of Unlimited Hyoubu, still asked Azusa if he feels comfortable and safe and Azusa said to Hyoubu “I’m good, in fact, I feel perfectly fine around you Hyoubu. I love you and I know you so well, I know, even with all this power, you’ll never ever hurt me the same way that the people of my past have done to me.”

* Hyoubu also is very calm and composed whenever Azusa takes the form of a kitsune up to 7’9”/236 cm tall. So Azusa has a 7 ft Kitsune form which he turns into usually when he feels Hyoubu or family is threatened or when greatly injured Hyoubu in some way. However, Azusa doesn’t have good control as a nine tailed Kitsune when snapped so he destroys everything his path till Hyoubu calms him down. When Azusa used to take this form before joining PANDRA, people shot Azusa with guns so they could render him unconscious and sometimes even had like electric collars so when Azusa wanted to transform, his electric collar shocked him whenever he did so. Hyoubu witnesses Azusa turn into a Kitsune when someone threatened to kill Hyoubu and Azusa snaps at them for his husband being threatened in such a way and mauled him as a kitsune. However, there was an issue. Kitsune Azusa is hard for Azusa to transform back from while angered as he usually has a beast-like mind when doing so. Hyoubu, instead of hurting Azusa as a kitsune, goes up to Azusa and pets him despite this giant kitsune being as large as a building and having just mauled someone to death. Along with Hyoubu petting him, Hyoubu praises and compliments Azusa so much, telling Azusa is is very adorable fox. Hyoubu remains extremely composed and doesn’t exhibit fear to the giant fox. This causes Azusa to calm down and turn back. Whenever Azusa transforms back from giant fox, Azusa always collapses and Hyoubu knowing that Azusa used the last of his energy on his opponent, Hyoubu always tells Azusa “You did very well My Azusa, please take some time to rest.”

* One of the reasons why Hyoubu wants to take over the world to create an esper society with Azusa as his King, asides from esper rights, is so Azusa doesn’t get hurt and live in a state of fear and hatred ever again. Hyoubu doesn’t want Azusa to suffer again and he believes that if Hyoubu achieves his goal, he believes Azusa can live happily without having to worry about being traumatized ever again. Azusa shares this same belief for Hyoubu too, he wants Hyoubu to create a new society is so that Hyoubu, his family, and PANDRA can live in a world where they don’t have to be in a constant state of fear and such.

* Hyoubu is the very first person in Azusa’s life and how through Hyoubu, Hyoubu viewed Azusa as he looked at Azusa more than just some monstrous esper assassin. tells Azusa he has such outstanding powers when Azusa tells Hyoubu that his power is garbage, learns the feelings of love and compassion as well as being able to finally express his emotions; things that Azusa never had gotten a chance to experience prior to meetinh Hyoubu; and Hyoubu; despite being a criminal; is always seen showcasing love and concern for Azusa, always asking them if they’re ok before engaging on missions. Azusa always makes sure that his lover is feeling well and comfortable.

* Azusa starts to feel comfortable with his powers once he settled into P.A.N.D.R.A. However, Azusa wasn’t always like this. In fact, even when Azusa first joined PANDRA. Azusa used to hate being an esper and Like even Azusa still kept onto his limiter even after leaving his former group and even after leaving, he still allowed the shock of his collar limiter hurt his body whenever he wanted to activate his powers because he thought he deserved it. His former group used to do this to Azusa and that’s how they got him into obeying them for so long. One day, Hyoubu hears Azusa’s screams from subjecting himself to his painful limiter. Hyoubu showcases concern for Azusa and Hyoubu’s expression was a saddening one. Hyoubu asked Azusa what’s wrong and why he is subjecting himself to such painful methods. Azusa tells Hyoubu how he subjects himself to the pain of his Limiter believing that he deserves the pain he has gotten and even called himself a “brainless monster” believing no one would love someone weak and unlovable like him. He also tells Hyoubu that this is the only way Azusa could control his powers. However, Hyoubu greatly disagrees with Azusa and tells Azusa “He isn’t a monster and even tells Azusa that he’s much stronger than a monster. Hyoubu also tells Azusa that he admires his powers, his bravery for overcoming his traumatizing past, and reminds Azusa that Hyoubu loves Azusa a lot and believes the espers that Hyoubu and Azusa will ally with down the road will love him greatly and view him as their King. Hyoubu tells Azusa that he no longer has to hold back his powers any longer, reminding Azusa formed PANDRA in the first place so Azusa could use his powers openly without being seen as a monster, and even tells Azusa he is freely allowed to use his powers in PANDRA and even tells Azusa that if he wants to learn how to use his powers, Hyoubu offers him a lessons to do so. After that, Hyoubu hugs Azusa and ends up removing the Limiter from Azusa and spends the rest of the day comforting him.

* When Hyoubu and Azusa started dating, Azusa was very slow to Hyoubu’s romantic affection and didn’t quite understand the traditions of romantic holidays such as White Day. After all, this is the first time Azusa has ever shown romantic love for someone before and was very clueless on holidays to the point that Azusa learned that Halloween was a holiday after escaping. However, even though it took Azusa a long time to learn these things and was slow when it came to romance, Azusa was never afraid to learn these things and in fact; Azusa was fascinated with how people experience romantic love for each other. One of those times where Azusa learns about the traditions of how people show romantic love is Valentines Days. Weeks prior to Valentines Day, Azusa notices, people are buying very expensive chocolate and Azusa was wondering why every one was buying so much of it, someone was like “Chocolate is a very gift you give to loved ones. If the person you love is your lover, you give them expensive chocolates and such. Sometimes, lovers show their love for someone even further by buying them giant bears and cards.” After Azusa hears about, Azusa is like “Alrighty that makes sense now. I’ll give Hyoubu so many chocolates and gifts!” so Azusa commissions a chocolatier to make him four boxes of high quality expensive V-Day chocolate, buys a giant fox plush that has “I Love Hyoubu.” embroidered on the fur and has a heart plush in its mouth, buys a giant bouquet of roses, and bought half of V-Day cards in stock in his local department store to the point that half of the rows were empty. Everyone thought Azusa was nuts but Azusa was like “You guys said you give gifts to your lover so I did.” On V-Day, Azusa shows off all the gifts Hyoubu bought him. Hyoubu was only surprised by this because Hyoubu didn’t know Azusa went shopping heavily for gifts. Azusa tells Hyoubu that “I learned that Valentines Day is a day where you show strong romance feelings to your lover and one of those ways is buying them gifts so I thought, I would do the same.” Azusa tells Hyoubu. This causes Hyoubu to smile happily and look at Azusa with much love in his eyes. Hyoubu replies with “Azusa, I will always love you with all my heart and that makes me happy!” Hyoubu compliments and praises Azusa for learning about Valentine Day’s and showing a lot love for him.

* Azusa has a made a promise to Hyoubu that if Hyoubu starts to get crippled and stuff due to his old age, Azusa refuses to leave him. Instead, Azusa takes care of him in his state of old age and helps Hyoubu around such as Azusa helping Hyoubu eat his meals and walk around the house since sometime soon, Hyoubu will no longer be able to do those things on his own anymore and Azusa wants to make sure that he is loved and cared for. Hyoubu is Azusa’s dearest treasure and wants Hyoubu to know that.

#romantic f/o: hyoubu the king of pandra #s/i: umbrakinetic king #hyoubu kyousuke #otp: shadow angel #child: pyromaniac princess #f/o: precious esper daughter #zettai karen children #self ship #self shipper #fictional other #self shipping community #f/o #my self ship #self ship headcanons #self insert headcanons #the unlimited hyoubu kyousuke #headcanons #self insert #self insert x canon #self ship writing #self insert writing #self ship positivity #self insert positivity #villain s/i #villain f/o #self ship content #self ship blog #my self insert #canon x self insert #f/o headcanons

[glowwormsmith]

I wanna know ALL the angst questions for Iris, my latest fascination, because I’m always a slut for Eden’s Gate ocs and her playlist is full of BOPS seriously you have excellent taste in music 👌💕

asdfds thank you!!💗 I’m glad you like the playlist for her, I worked hard on it. It’s half sad, soft girl who loves her flower girlfriend, half horror movie villain lol. I also really like talking about Iris, since she’s an unrepentant follower of Faith and Joseph and I can make a complex villain. Let’s get into the angst.

oc angst questions here for reference!

(cw for child abuse/domestic abuse/mental illness/sexual trauma mentions/self-harm/suicidal thoughts and idealization below the cut. Let me know if you need anything else tagged.) 

💙 If Iris were dying near Faith or Joseph, her final words would be nothing but gratitude and love for saving her, accepting her into their family and giving her purpose. With Faith, she would tell her she was the only person she ever loved and promises she’ll wait for her in the afterlife, even if she doesn’t truly believe in such deep down. If she is dying in the presence of her enemies, she will curse their names and go down like a bitch: taunting and spitting poison at them, defiant to the end. 

In my story, Iris survives the Collapse and the events of “New Dawn;” she’ll most likely die of natural causes down the road, which the Deputy and Iris’s other victims find unfair.

💧 The worst physical pain she was in was when her father brutalized and locked her up in the basement for three days when she was fourteen because she was hanging out with a girl after-school and they came across her giving the girl a kiss; she doesn’t remember much about her past that was rife with abuse, but this moment has stuck in her mind due to the fact that this was the first instance of severe abuse and when she became a prisoner within her own family.

The worst pain she was in mentally was when Faith died. She had mainly healed from her past thanks to being with Faith and the Project; even when the Project was under siege by the Resistance, it was fine because she had Faith. When she came across Faith’s body in the river, Iris had a complete mental shutdown, simply holding Faith’s body in her arms and sitting on the river bank, talking to her as if she were alive. Only Joseph was able to pull Iris away from Faith and Iris needed time alone/with Joseph to process her grief.

🔷 While Iris does not regret leaving her dysfunctional and abusive family, she notes that it was a great leap of faith that culminated in more abuse while on the road; the only reason she never tried to go back was because she could not bear to be locked up again under the grip of her cruel and sadistic father, uncaring and cold older sister, and an awful uncle, aunt and cousins who helped in the abuse.

She was abandoned by her birth mother when she was ten, who had been her only source of comfort. Her mother’s abandonment gave Iris both a feeling of low self-worth but also a desire to be as brave as that woman to leave her prison one day, even if it was into an unknown and uncaring world.

🔵 Her home life was never pleasant and it grew worse when her mother ran off when Iris was ten. She became a captive within her own family at fourteen and she developed severe depression, anxiety, severe anger problems, suicidal idealization, and even sadistic tendencies as a result. She was able to escape after killing her sister in a fit of rage, though it didn’t get better as Iris became homeless and was further exploited on the road.

It is all a blur to her and she prefers it that way, with only a few key memories standing out in her mind. She had to overcome a lot of sexual trauma to show physical affection for Joseph and Faith, and even then they are the only two she allows to touch her. She has an inherent distrust of law enforcement (her aunt was a detective that helped to keep any suspicious people away) and has developed a fear of men, dogs, sex-repulsed, sharp objects, confined spaces and loud voices. She also wonders, in her moments of self-reflection, if she would have been a better person without her dysfunctional family, or if she was always this cruel and vindictive.

❄️ She regrets having to turn to prostitution, thievery and even murder while she was homeless. While she knows it wasn’t her fault that her family treated her awfully, she feels shame and disgust over what she had to do on the road, to the point where she wonders if she should have just died instead of kept going. Faith and Joseph have to continuously remind her that no, she’s not “dirty” or “bad” for having to survive and that if she chose to die, then they would never have gotten the chance to know her. While it makes her feel better to hear this from the two people she loves, the negative intrusive thoughts refuse to go away, so she copes by projecting onto others, becoming a bully and tormentor herself.

💦 She tended to self-harm before Eden’s Gate and she still tends to do it at her lowest of lows or if no one’s around. She also has the urge to be a huge asshole to others, as a way to get her pent-up frustration and bitterness and negative emotions out. This unfortunate habit is supported by EG because, even though Joseph wants to save as many people as possible, he allows his followers to fight the Resistance and she takes the opportunity to be cruel to “sinners.” 

She has become somewhat reliant on the Bliss, since being in the Bliss makes all the bad thoughts go away.

🌊 Iris is a pretty mean-spirited and petty person, but she can hide it well to put up a sympathetic and sincere front. When she’s hit her low, she drops the facade and goes hard; pray you aren’t on the receiving end of her anger or if you’re dealing with her during an episode.

If she becomes triggered or has a panic attack, she’ll dissociate and find a quiet place out in the woods to curl up and wait to settle her mind. She’ll look to Joseph or Faith for comfort and reassurance she is fine, that they won’t leave her or let anyone harm her.

☄️ She does, though it has gotten better due to healing from Joseph and Faith. She only opens up to these two, though she has enough emotional intelligence (probably due to healing from them) to understand that they are the only two she can even genuinely love at this point.  She is complex: on first glance, you’d think she wasn’t affected by her past at all, but more time and learning about her history that her experience has shaped Iris into her current personality and behaviors, even if she suppresses much of her memory.  By the time of “New Dawn,” she has completely forgotten her past and only knows Eden’s Gate; the only trace memory of her past life is that “monsters made me a monster.”

🔹 She has scars on her arms and thighs from both self-harm and the abuse from her family. Her family were more careful not to leave evidence of the abuse, so most of the scars from them are mental. She hates looking at the scars because she sees them as her weakness and impurity, so she covers them up when she can.  Iris has gotten so good at burying her past that most of the Resistance or even regular EG members simply believe she is an asshole or monster, without realizing that her past has made her this way.

To quote Daenerys Targaryen, “If I look back, I am lost.” Iris refuses to dwell on the past, purely seeing them as monsters she had to face before she found her true family, her true father who loves and protects her, and her true love of her life.  By refusing to give thought to her birth family and life on the road, she both allows herself to bury the abuse and let the trauma and hurt manifest itself in her personality, relationships with others, and behavior.  It’s both good and bad, and just like the Seed family, she really needs proper counseling but will never truly get it so she copes in different, sometimes even unhealthy, ways.

📘 Theme: Meet-Cute (have an angsty drabble with a happy/hopeful ending lol)

I want to die.  I don’t want to, but I do. It hurts too much to keep going, but I’m too scared to end it.

It was funny how Iris realized the folly of her desire to both live and not live, how beautiful it would be to lie down in the field of white bell-shaped flowers, close her eyes and stop breathing, rotting back into the soil and letting her bones become home to the flowers and weeds and worms. 

Before she was taken out of school, her English class had read Hamlet and she had been idealizing Ophelia since, a beautiful death, and she had looked at any river she passed with a longing to enter it and not come out. But then she remembered her mother, the ghost of a woman whose only true strength came in her running away into the unknown, and any attempt to end her life was half-hearted and abandoned, with the next thought turning to how she would get her next meal, with only three dollars in her pocket.

It doesn’t matter now. Food, shelter, dying by my own hand. They’re found me. Iris had seen them when she wandered into that small town, putting up pictures of her at sixteen near a dive bar and speaking to the town’s preacher. She had frozen only briefly before he slunk back into the shadows of the forest line and kept wandering. They had been searching for her the whole time since she killed the Bitch and left the Cage; the Monsters that had the nerve to call her blood. She allowed a small, bitter chuckle that it took two years to cross her path; she always knew she was the smart one among them...And then a hysteric sob burst out as she fell to her knees, her tongue tasting iron as her lip broke. She would die easy by their hands; they probably wouldn’t even kill her as they dragged her back “home.”  The memories were coming back, no matter how she tried to push them down into the darkness: the Beast’s hands and voice and evil laughter, being dragged into the Dark Room again, feeling the pangs of hunger....Iris stopped her sobs, only letting the tears form but never cry.

No. She would not let herself be drawn back there. Not after escaping, not after putting herself through cruelty on the world just for the sake of freedom. Only she had the right to her body and mind and thoughts; no one, especially those Monsters, were going to take it away. Only she would be the decider of her fate.

Just as Iris was about to reach into her pocket to pull out the switchblade and steel herself to fight against her survival instinct, she heard singing. It was soft at first as Iris looked up and around the field of bell flowers.

“H-Hello?” she called out, voice hoarse. Perhaps I’m already dead. She then stood up and walked towards it, both curious and more of her survival instinct keeping her alive as long as possible.

The singing became clearer as Iris spotted a figure twirling in the field. It was a pretty sound, but there was no lyrics, just melodious humming and chiming.

The singing belonged to a beautiful young woman and Iris felt any unease at meeting a strange ease; she only had fear and mistrust of men, and this girl...was an angel. She was clad in a pure white dress, her dirty blonde hair hanging loosely to her shoulders and she was holding a flower as she danced without a care in the field. Even her bare feet looked untouched and mildly muddied, which only endeared Iris to this wood nymph.

She then took note of Iris, who was conscious of how dirty and plain she looked compared to the lovely girl’s pristine appearance, with matted red hair, grimy face, stench and tattered clothes she pulled from Goodwill and hardly replaced. Rather than look surprise or disgusted, the angelic girl smiled kindly.

“Hello, friend. Do you need help?”

“I...” Iris was unaccustomed to speaking to anyone in such a pleasant manner since her time on the road, let alone anyone asking her for help so kindly and without any secondary motivation. She blinked in confusion then looked behind her, afraid her family would suddenly appear with their horrid faces and harsh words to drag her away. She must have looked panicked when the girl’s brow furrowed in concern, though the sweet smile was still on her face.

Iris saw the girl open her hands towards her and she feared she would be touched so she drew back, but the girl kept her hands open, waiting for Iris to take them herself. Iris felt her hands fold together and began picking her skin with her nails, her eyes drawn towards the soft, clean hands. She had no right to touch them with her own dirty ones.

“I can take you to my home. We have warm food, showers and a place to rest. You seem to have been traveling for awhile. There’s no need to be afraid of me. My name is Faith; what’s your name?”

“...I-Iris. Umm...” God, she’s so pretty and kind. Like a real angel. Can someone like me be so lucky to be in her presence?

“That’s a beautiful name. Iris, would you like to come home with me?” Faith asked. “You’ll be safe there.”

Iris felt her mouth twist into a scowl. “Nowhere’s ever safe.” She cringed and thought that Faith would turn away from her now that she showed her ugliness, but Faith nodded and gave a quiet hum in agreement.

“I know all too well how unsafe this world and people can be. But there’s no where quite as safe as Eden’s Gate,” Faith said. “I know I’m a stranger to you, but all friends start as strangers, and if you come with me, you’ll finally feel the safest you’ll ever be.”

Iris looked to Faith and noticed her brown eyes, like a doe’s. All the barriers she put up with people melted away as she looked at the open, beautiful face, the soft lips curved in a smile. Iris gulped. Who knows how long the Monsters will be in this area for. “Alright. I’ll...I’ll take a leap of faith.”

Faith let out a chuckle at that, which sounded wonderful to Iris’s ears, and the girl took Faith’s hands into her own, was lead out of the field and into a new life.

#iris #fc5 oc #oc ask meme #abuse tw #self-harm tw #suicide mention tw #hope you like it #this really got long and heavy #casino-lights

[lynne-monstr]

sea and shadows (chapter 2/2)

follow up to this ficlet instruments fic (alec is an artist. magnus is a sea demon)

chapter 2 on ao3

Alec hangs back a respectful distance while his unexpected guest cuts himself free from the fishing net.

The last thing he expected coming home from his daily walk was to find an injured sea-demon invading his kitchen. Alec’s heard the stories, of course. Every child has. Long ago the sea-demons demanded sacrifices to sate their demonic appetites, murdering their victims and feeding off the magic of their life force until humanity fought back.

The man in front of him, with his easy smile and his bruised skin and his tentacles caught in a tangle of fisherman’s knots, doesn’t look like a monster. He looks like a man.

“I thought sea-demons were extinct,” Alec finally dares to ask.

“Extinct. Is that what they call it nowadays?” A muscle in Magnus’ jaw clenches tight before he shakes it off in favor of squinting at a patch of netting near his shoulder. The blade of the scissors easily finds its mark and a patch of net falls to the floor. Another tentacle pops loose, wiggling skyward as if celebrating its freedom.

Magnus’ eyes are golden slits when he looks back at Alec. “Extinct is a funny word for slaughter, if you ask me.”

The worn, broken-in leather of Alec's boots suddenly seems a lot more interesting. Alec’s never put much thought into questioning the old stories. Everyone knows them. Water nymphs are harmless unless provoked, selkies aren’t to be kept as pets, sea-demons will eat your soul if you let them.

Granted, no one has ever said anything about the tentacles so perhaps the stories aren’t as accurate as everyone likes to believe.

A heavy silence settles between them and Alec assumes that’s the last of the conversation. There’s only the whistle of sea air through the open front door and the occasional snip of the scissors to mark the passing of time.

Until Magnus looks up. “Children or virgins?”

“Excuse me?” Alec asks.

“These stories about my people? Were we eating children or virgins? I’ve heard it both ways.”

“Babies,” Alec admits.

Magnus shakes his head but says nothing, and Alec is left with the uncomfortable feeling he’s disappointed this strange man.

Again he’s surprised when Magnus breaks the silence. “I won’t deny that some of the tales are true. We’re a lot like humans in that some of us good and some of us…aren’t.”

Even from across the kitchen, Alec can’t miss how the muscles of his shoulders draw up tight. A bad memory, perhaps. Whether he’s remembering an experience or a particular person, Alec doesn’t know and doesn’t have the right to ask. Whatever it is, it’s bad enough for its presence to linger in the fibers of muscles and sinew beneath Magnus’ skin.

It’s gone just as quickly.

The minutes tick by and more and more slick black tentacles slither free from their confines. Some of them wave around in the air. Others settle themselves on Magnus’ shoulders or wrap around his waist, adorning him alongside the strands of shells he wears around his neck and his hips. Alec might be just a little bit jealous that they get to traverse the dips and valleys of hard muscle so clearly on display.

A pained hiss jolts him back to the present.

Magnus is twisted almost completely around, eyes narrowed and muscles straining as he tries to reach a spot on his back. His eyes close and he exhales, deepening the stretch. He’s practically quivering with the effort but it still isn’t enough. His bare chest heaves and he tries again, and Alec doesn’t need to be a yoga instructor like his asshole ex-boyfriend Todd to know this is a losing battle.

He’s in the middle of contemplating the futile beauty of the action, the strokes and lines it would take to best capture Magnus' struggle on paper, when he realizes he’s being every bit the raging dick his siblings affectionately tease him about. He bites his lip, debating if it’s his place to offer aid.

A pained grunt reaches his ears and makes his decision for him.

Several long strides bring him across the kitchen, careful to keep his hands visible and his motions non-threatening. Not that he’s much of a match for a sea-demon, even a weakened one. Then again, some of the stories say that the best way to bind a sea-demon’s power is to bind their tentacles. If that’s true—if Magnus is merely pretending to be friendly until his tentacles are freed—Alec is about to sign his own death warrant.

He thinks of how Magnus expected a fight when Alec first stumbled upon him, and the surprise scrawled across his face when Alec offered the scissors, like he was unused to being treated with basic kindness.

Alec gambles with his life and he does it with a soft smile. “Need a hand?” he asks.

Magnus blinks. His eyes flit from Alec’s face to his outstretched palm, like a cornered animal circling a baited trap.

Alec’s stomach clenches. The man in front of him is a lot of things but he’s no animal. No monster. “You’re going to cut yourself if you keep that up and I don’t really feel like cleaning blood off my kitchen floor.”

“I supposed I’ve encroached enough on your hospitality without forcing that particular horror upon you.” Magnus’ knuckles are white around the rubber grip of the scissors but he slowly places them in Alec’s hand and lets go. “Be gentle.” His tone is laden with innuendo but there’s a tightness at the corner of his eyes.

Alec gives him a reassuring smile and angles himself so he can see the tentacles on Magnus’ back. This close, the jet black of their coloring is shot through with bands of sickly gray. He runs his finger over one of the gray veins. Magnus flinches and Alec pulls away like he’s been scalded.

It’s an injury, he realizes. The places where the fishing net dug too deeply into him.

There are so many gray spots. Alec pushes away the wave of nausea and concentrates on his task. He aches to run comforting hands over the mass of tentacles, but he already has proof that does more harm than good. Instead, he turns his eyes towards the ugly tangle of netting and tentacles that spans the length of Magnus’ shoulder blades.

“Tell me if it hurts,” is his only warning before he cuts away the first piece of net.

Magnus winces but doesn’t say a word as Alec cuts the last parts of him free. The tentacles that can, curl tightly inwards around his body. It drives Alec on, wanting to be done with this as soon as possible. As he finally snips away the last piece of straggling pieces, Magnus heaves a relieved breath and slumps.

The moment the last tentacle breaks free, a blue wave what can only be magic washes over Magnus’ skin. When it passes, the tentacles are once again a smooth, unblemished black. Alec is reminded of the old wives’ tales about how to bind a sea-demon’s magic, and wonders if Magnus realizes how much he just gave away.

Before he can think too much on this new information, Magnus staggers. Only years of catching runaway pencils and paintbrushes allows Alec to catch him before he hits the ground.

“Oops,” Magnus mumbles. “Forgot how much that takes out of me.”

Alec smooths a hand down his arm, barely aware he’s doing it. The slightest of tremors rock Magnus’ otherwise solid body, the beginnings of exhaustion. Alec’s debating whether to remove his hand when Magnus practically melts backwards against him.

A tentacle curls around Alec’s waist, ending any thoughts of putting space between them.

“That’s twice I owe you my thanks now.”

“I’m not counting.” Alec shifts his hold so he can walk Magnus towards the adjoining living room and onto the couch. It’s an old thing, the fabric worn and faded, but it’s deceptively comfortable and he’ll fight anyone who argues differently. “Though you should probably make it three, since I’m about to offer you the spare bedroom while you regain your strength.”

“Three it is,” Magnus agrees. His eyes are practically closed as Alec settles him onto the couch.

There’s a throw blanket draped over the side chair. It’s gets draped over Magnus, the edges carefully tucked around his shoulders. Alec would prefer to get him a towel since he’s still wet from dragging himself in from the water, but the blanket is good enough for now.

Straightening, Alec admires his handiwork. His eyes catch on his pencil where he left it sitting on the kitchen counter and he goes over to retrieve it. And stops as a pair of tentacles wind around his wrists, tugging him backwards.

Alec lets himself be tugged all the way back to the couch.

Back to Magnus.

His sketchbook will still be there when he gets up. For now, he has a sea-demon pressed against his side, his damp hair resting against Alec’s shoulder as he sleeps.

#shadowhunters #malec fanfic #magnus bane #alec lightwood #malec #tentacletober #magnus x tentacles #lynne writes fic #today was a rough writing day but i'm glad i got this done!

[hellyeahheroes]

Post-OMD/Slott’s unused Spidey characters: Alpha a.k.a Andrew Maguire

So there was an ask about Alpha and it was about what happened to him, and yeah, it was just as @filipfatalattractionrblog​, otherwise known as the admin, said, Slott got tired of him and dumped him on someone else where they got written into obscurity. And that is like a thing Slott or the writers of Post Brand New Day did constantly. He did it with Cindy Moon, he did it with a bunch of Spider-verse characters, he did it with Yuri Watanabe, he did it with Mr. Negative, Screwball, he did it with the entirety of Parker Industries and Horizon Labs. He even did it with Superior Spider-man. The moment Brand New Day started, Spider-man was tossed around a bunch of writers where they all started trying to race to create the next MJ love interest replacement. So there are even more characters that Slott didn’t create that are very under utilized. Not to mention characters created prior to One More Day/Brand New Day didn’t have much fucking screen time during this and thus did not receive any development. So characters like Liz Allen, Phillip Chang, Betty Brant, Flash Thompson(although he got to be Agent Venom), Randy Robertson, Glory Grant, Mary Jane Watson until fans complained, and even Aunt May which made the whole One More Day deal redundant. 

Old school Spider-man constantly hung out with his clique. Post One More Day Spider-man didn’t seem to have many friends outside of his Spider-man persona. And the partnerships that he did make didn’t last.

So, this is where I will go back and detail those lost characters starting with Andy because he is the most egregious. Then I speculate if they can come back, what role should they have.

I fucking hate Andrew Maguire. And apparently, I am supposed to hate him according to Slott, but I believe that is a cop out. He wanted this character to work. Regardless, Andrew Maguire serves as the Peter Parker without any of the selflessness and virtue. “So...Eddie Brock?” No, not as cool as Eddie or as well written.

And subtlety is not a thing for Slott. If you noticed, the character is named after the two Spider-man actors at the time, Toby Maguire and Andrew Garfield. People say it is a tribute, I personally think he was mocking them. My opinion, but you already know that.As you can see that the origin is pretty much a This Loser Is You trope which is weird because it’s insulting for fans of Spider-man, a character that is renown for being a superhero with everyman problems, to have a character who exists to say Peter is exceptional and you are not.

Andy goes on a Field Trip to Horizon Labs and meets Peter Parker who is about to unleash his newest discovery, Parker Particles. Which by the way, feels like an accomplishment for Peter, but Slott just had to twist the knife on that and have Reed casually say that he discovered it first and decided to leave Pandora’s Box be. Fuck Reed Richards. Anyways, as expected, Parker’s experiment went to shit and Andy decides to to perform his one solo act.

And Alpha is born. 

Okay well, first, Horizon had to settle with Maguire’s parents to avoid lawsuits and Any became the mascot for Horizon labs and then Alpha is born. So they do a check on his powers to see what the kid’s got.

He has the strength to lift a ton which is weaker than any Spider-man, he is bulletproof, has enhanced speed,has energy projection. So if you are following those useless ass stat charts on Marvel wiki, his chart would be...

Intelligence: 2 Normal

Strength: 4 One Ton is his max

Speed: 3 It just says enhanced speed so I am going to assume he can’t break the sound barrier

Durability 5 Bulletproof

Energy Projection: 5 Long Range single energy type blasts

Fighting Ability 2 Normal

What we have here is a powerhouse. Oh and he has a caveat. He can only use one power at a time at the moment. And he is only growing more powerful because Mr. Fantastic points out, Andy is embedded with Parker Particles which are tied to the expansion of the universe. His powers are only going to grow. So Mr. Fantastic decides to place Andy Maguire under Peter Parker’s care. Thus making Alpha Spider-man’s sidekick.

Alpha because no one else in the world has self-control without an Uncle Ben dying decides to market himself as the next best superhero. He gets marketing deal with Horizon to market their inventions, and he also becomes a pop sensation and media darling. Gets the girl that he was pawning after, Chrissy Chen, who I do like btw. I mean he is living the life, amigo.

His new girlfriend even makes him a fan page. 

And this is where there is some credence to the idea that Andy was meant to be hated because the comment section tears him apart with meta commentary. He is called a poochie which is a synonym for Scrappy, a term tor fan hated characters. Which, again, what is the point of a character that we, the fans, are meant to hate? It is counter intuitive and a waste of time. I mean people like Golden Booster, Slott. I just don’t get why bother with this? Of course, Andy’s set up in his origin follows the same beats as Slott’s other creation, Cindy Moon, who he wanted to be liked and cried racism when fans hated her as well.

This is endemic to Slott’s run as a whole. He doesn’t get Spider-man. He wanted to create Iron Man instead of making Spider-man stories. And when he introduces new characters, he doesn’t properly want to build them. Like Kamala Khan had 3 issues of character development before she became a superhero. Her origin was fleshed out. Miles had 5 issues and 14 issues to have a proper origin. Andy literally has just 1 issue that can’t even be considered an origin. It is not his origin story. It is just another problem for Peter to solve and that was the problem with Cindy Moon. She wasn’t a character but a replacement to Felicia Hardy who Slott went and tarnished to begin with.

So Alpha gets annoyed with those comments and decides to prove the haters wrong. Peter has been keeping track of Alpha the entire time so he intercepts him before he does anything wrong. Spider-man takes him under his wing and makes him his side-kick.

First, no. Spider-man has turned down sidekicks from Black Cat without super powers, Ollie Osnick, Sally Avril, and a few others. Miles’ isn’t his sidekick, student, or anything. Miles is his own hero who Peter feels responsible for and he sort of hangs out with.Spider-man doesn’t do sidekicks nor would he take them on if offered. He barely does team-ups and only out of propriety and necessity. So him donning Andy as such is out of character and kind against theme.

Second, the dialogue here does not match Peter’s tone.He is too sarcastic and cavalier about things. Peter is one of the most restrained heroes in Marvel in terms of his power usage. He knows what Andy is capable of. He wouldn’t be so casual. He would be on him like white on rice. He knows the seriousness of Andy’s situation. If he teaching Andy, he would refrain from fighting unless he has to. Peter was a teacher. He should know how teenagers are because he has dealt with them. It is like....okay.

Anyways, Andy being the ambitious little scamp decides to take over and do his own thing.

Okay, this is when I kind of knew that Slott would be an okay Fantastic Four writer.And he doesn’t waste any time reminding people that he is the most powerful hero of all time. 

Ben is beside himself because the little shit used his catchphrase in public, Johnny is ribbing on Spidey because he created a monster, Sue is trying to keep the peace, and Reed is annoyed because of Parker’s terrible decision of telling a teenager that he is the most powerful being in the universe. 

Reed tries again, and reminds Peter that Alpha is his responsibility. He has to essentially babysit Alpha for free. Meanwhile Alpha is letting his newfound success go to his head. He decides to two-time the girl that he was pining for...or he only liked because he felt that she was the best that he can get. You see, Andy is the guy who thinks as people as material to gain. He doesn’t mind using them, but once he outgrows them, he dumps them.

It is like Slott just wants to create the biggest asshole in Spider-man. And I guess that’s okay, but again, to what end? Is Andi going to be a bad guy? No. Is he going to be a reoccurring character? No. So why bother creating him if other writers won’t bother and fans hate him?

After this, Miles Warren aka the Jackal captures Andy easily and Peter has to find the little fuck because he is ,”Peter Parker’s responsibility.” Yeah, I am tired of that too.The Jackal wants to clone Alpha and repopulate the world with his own Alpha Males. No I am not kidding, that is what he calls them. Anyways, Peter tries to stop him but not before Miles Warren congratulates him of “out mad sciencing” him and creating Alpha. 

....I am already bored with this comic so I will speed it up. Jackal unleashes the clones, clones don’t have the Alpha powers because the power is not tied to Alpha’s genetics, Alpha breaks free of the harnesses and kills all of the clones, and saves himself sort of. Well not before saying even more alarming shit.

This is it. This is where he will learn, right? This is where Alpha makes a turn and become the little scamp that we hope for.

Well...can’t say that I am surprised. 

Peter gets fed up and conspires to take his power away from Alpha because the kid just can’t be trusted with them anymore. He is far too dangerous and honestly, Peter was right, but he was wrong the rest of the time.

Here is the thing: Alpha should have never been given these powers and allowed to keep them in any capacity.Peter should have suggested of taking them away from the very beginning and so should’ve Reed Richards and every hero who tested Andy. And I get it, it’s a little hypocritical of a blog about teenaged superheroes to say this, but there is a difference between the teens we usually cover and characters like Alpha. Alpha is in it for the glory and fame. He never has a redeeming moment. He is never humbled and is too self-centered to be humbled.Making him the strongest teen ever without proper guidance and knowing his parents were trying to mooch off of him and didn’t give a shit how much it effected his son, and only cared because of a profit margin should have been a dead giveaway. Someone should have spoken to his therapists or teachers and figured what kind of kid Andy was. It shouldn’t have taken issues of Spider-man testing it out because it was a bad idea from the start.

Alpha continues to use his power irresponsibly until the Avengers demand that Spider-man call him in to deal with Terminus. Alpha does so as he travels from Japan to Manhattan to deal a huge blow.

So good news is that Alpha got stronger. Bad news is that Alpha took out all of the airplane controllers in the vicinity so all planes are about to crash all over the New York area. So think 9/11 except on 30 buildings or so. The Avengers go into scramble mode and try to immediately rescue the civilians which by the way was the first rule Spider-man told Alpha. Guess who isn’t trying to save any civilians? 

So Alpha utterly failed this day. He made a bad situation worse and it shouldn’t have taken this to finally bench Alpha. The moment he disobeyed Peter, was the moment he should have been stripped of his power. I am being serious. But whatever, Alpha gets stripped by Spider-man.

So Alpha got powered down and is normal again.

But wait, there is more. Otto took over Peter’s body and preceded to give Andy his power back, but only a little of it this time. Andy moves to Pittsburgh, his parents divorced, and becomes the new hero of the Burgh. But he accidentally kills someone using his Alpha power, his power has been shown to be cancerous and he unknowingly gave his mom cancer and he doesn’t know it, the person he supposedly killed comes back and becomes this huge cancerous alpha powered villain named Zeta, Alpha stopped Zeta, and then another criminal blackmailed him to stop Andy from fighting crime or he will kill his whole family. And that was it for Alpha.

Can this character be redeemed?

Yes. 

Honestly, Alpha was saved in his mini in my opinion. I know, I didn’t post any pictures because that mini looked like shit. Again, however, the story wasn’t bad and did redeem him a little. He should have been in Miles Morales spot when it came to Marvel’s PS4. He was more suited for it and most of Marvel’s PS4 was Slott’s Spider-man run anyways. It had Yuri, Screwball, Mr. Negative, a sympathetic Doc Ock, and shit. All of these are hallmarks of Slott’s writing.

What would I do to introduce him back to the Marvel fold?

First, Alpha isn’t Godly anymore. He is like a low rent Nova. That stat chart that you saw in the beginning is where he is at now. So as long as he stays at that level, we are good. Second, his new predicament of being blackmailed by a criminal creates an interesting scenario. I would think a criminal would love having a bad guy under his thumb. So I suspect this bad guy, Boss Jimmy Cohen might think of expanding with his brand new super pet.Let’s say Alpha becomes his own enforcer and forces him to. Alpha’s mom dies of the cancer that he accidentally gave him and becomes Zeta 2.0.

So Andy after dealing with a ton of despair decides to come back and help Boss Cohen expand his empire in New York. He starts in Brooklyn, and you know where I am going with this. Andy meets Miles, Spider-man II. I am against having Miles inherent Peter’s characters, but Andy is basically an unused character. He might as well go somewhere so why not with Miles Morales who is getting an expanding list of rogues anyways. A reluctant fallen hero would be an interesting addition.

As for Chrissy Chen, I don’t like wasting characters at all, especially one that is just off the edge of Spider-man mythos. Chrissy still goes to Midtown High. And so does Lana Baumgartner. Instead of creating another character, just have her be Lana’s confidant just like Miles has with Ganke. 

And that is all folks. Now I will be doing a bit more on the forgotten characters of Post OMD Spider-man. A lot of them aren’t teens, so I will cover them on my other blog. I hope you enjoyed and thanks for reading.

@ubernegro​

#alpha #andrew maguire #spider-man #peter parker #dan slott #marvel #Marvel Comics #long post

[themyskira]

One of the things that’s so irritating to me about G. Willow Wilson’s run is that she’s actually taking the story in directions I really want it to go, picking up on plot threads ignored since the end of Rucka’s run, bringing back the mythology and resolving (finally!) Diana’s inability to return home with a development that enables the Amazons and Themyscira to be a recurring part of Wondy’s ongoing story again… and yet somehow she’s doing it in the blandest, most uninteresting way imaginable.

A lot of it isn’t technically bad. She’s not pulling any James Robinsons here. But there’s no emotional punch, no surprise, no heart to it. At the end of the day, she’s just moving pieces around a board.

As an example of this, let’s talk about her writing of Veronica Cale.

Veronica sees love as a weakness. When you open your heart to others, you give them power over you, hanging only to trust and blind hope that they won’t use that power to hurt you, to betray you, to destroy you. When you allow yourself to love, you make yourself vulnerable. You cultivate avenues by which your enemies can attack and manipulate you.

Veronica: Wonder Woman’s been here all of six months and she’s lecturing us about how we need to love one another. That through love we respect each other. That we will appreciate one another and this beautiful, precious world of ours. Adrianna: So it’s naive, maybe, but-- Veronica: It’s not naive, it’s a lie. Love has never solved a problem, Adrianna... all it does is create them.

And this was her mindset before the only two people in the world she’d let into her heart were stolen from her by a pair of sadistic gods seeking to use her to get to Wonder Woman.

Years of tucking an empty-faced, inanimate child into bed each night while her daughter’s soul screamed from the prison of the fear-gods’ gemstone. Years of being forced to scurry at Phobos and Deimos’ bidding as they held Izzy’s life in their hands. It sends her down a very dark road, one that leads ultimately to her ruin and that of everyone around her.

Veronica will not be controlled again, and so she works systematically to control everyone and everything around her. Every person and every resource is a potential tool in her cause, and she’s willing to hurt, kill, torture, manipulate, exploit, curse or destroy anybody if it gets her a single step closer to rescuing her daughter. 

All of this comes to a head at the end of Rucka’s run.  Due in part to Veronica’s own actions, her daughter is lost to her forever. Safe but unable to leave Themyscira, Izzy must remain with the Amazons -- to be raised by the people of the woman Veronica loathes most in the world.

Sick with grief and self-loathing, she lashes out at the only other person who cares - Adrianna, the AI patterned after her lost friend. She rejects that friendship, denies Adrianna’s personhood and dismisses her as a tool, seeding the beginnings of a rift.

She’s attacked by a murderous Cheetah, symbolic in that moment of everything she’s burned and broken and corrupted in her fruitless quest, only to be rescued at the last by none other than Diana.

Which leads to this heartbreaking exchange:

Veronica: We’re never going to be friends. You understand that. Diana: I understand we could have been. I understand that you see weakness in the places where I find strength. And I understand something more. Veronica: Do you? Diana: That you will always be alone, Doctor Cale.

And that’s where we leave her, alone amid the rubble of her life.

As significant as she is to Diana’s Rebirth story, it’s no surprise that the writers who followed Rucka (James Robinson, G. Willow Wilson) wanted to return to her. Unfortunately, neither of them seem to have known quite what to do with her beyond ‘Veronica is rich and powerful and hates Wondy’.

To be fair to them, this would be a challenge for any writer. Rucka created this version of Veronica with a very defined character arc, from the kidnapping of her daughter that begins her descent into villainy, to her tragic ruin which sees her daughter put forever beyond her reach. For ten years her sole motivation has been saving Izzy no matter what the cost, and now that’s gone. What is there left for her? Where does she go from here?

And the easiest answer is, well, she still hates Wonder Woman and blames her for what was done to Izzy, so I guess she’ll just make it her new mission to fuck with Diana by creating new metahuman villains to run rampant or launching a campaign to destroy Wondy’s reputation.

Robinson goes the former route, in the process reducing Veronica to a sadistic mad scientist, throwing monsters at Diana and conducting experiments on her foes simply because she likes hurting them.

“She tried to kill me, did you know that? Came close, too. I swore then that she’d be my property again, if I ever got the chance. So yes. Thank you, Adrianna... let the hunt begin.”

Wilson opts for the latter, and on its face this route has more promise. The celebratory news coverage of Wonder Woman and her (infantile, lecturing, false) mission rankled Veronica even before she became ensnared in Diana’s orbit. Being surrounded by it now, all this fawning over the woman Veronica believes ruined her life? That must burn her. It’s not hard to imagine her launching a covert campaign to show the public the ‘true’ face of Wonder Woman.

The problem here is that such a story has been done, and done very effectively, in Rucka’s first run on Wonder Woman, where he first introduced Veronica Cale. If you want to avoid simply retreading old ground, you’re going to need something more, a new angle.

Wilson has one, but it’s not good.

For context, Wilson’s run begins in Ares’ Themysciran prison, now also home to Grail. In amongst the other weapons littering their cell, Grail idly picks out a sword named Godkiller. Ares (who, apropos of nothing, has decided to stage prison break so that he can live a reformed life as a Noble and Just god of mass slaughter, wtf Willow) demands that Grail use it to kill him.

For reasons that, nearly twenty issues later, still have yet to be satisfactorily explained, Ares dies and is immediately resurrected, resulting in a “cosmic paradox” (?!) that tears Themyscira, Olympus and all their connected realms asunder (?!?!), spitting confused divinities and mythical beings out into the mundane world.

Veronica, observing the appearance of these gods, immediately begins investigating and comes to the bewildering conclusion that Themyscira is gone and therefore Izzy is dead.

This immediately makes no sense. Veronica spent ten years doing everything she could to get Izzy back, in the face of impossible odds. The scientific analysis may be pointing to Themyscira’s collapse, but that’s purely theoretical — and all around her, as gods and monsters materialise from nowhere, Veronica is being presented with evidence that she’s closer to Izzy than ever before. You can’t tell me that this woman, with her single-minded purpose, would give her daughter up for dead before she’d seen a body.

But okay. She thinks Izzy is dead. She’s hurting and she wants Diana to hurt, too. So she decides she’s going to tear apart Diana’s reputation.

By sending the goddess Nemesis to blow up a city street, waiting for Diana to show up and fight her, then storm in with cameras declaring loudly that “Wonder Woman attacked my employee in the course of her job protecting Cale Enterprises from superhuman threats” and then proceeding to file a massive lawsuit against her.

“Let the record show that Wonder Woman attacked my employee in the course of her job protecting Cale Enterprises from superhuman threats. If superheroes want to work, they must do business like everyone else. Register. Pay taxes. Otherwise, it stands to reason that they risk running afoul of the law.”

This is… so far from Veronica’s MO it’s not funny. She’s a meticulous planner, operating from the shadows, never showing her hand before she’s well and ready. Diana was clashing with Veronica’s people for years before she had the slightest idea who they were working for or what they were trying to get from her. She wouldn’t needlessly expose herself to media scrutiny with a stunt like this — not when she could far more effectively demolish Diana’s reputation from a distance with a team of PR operatives, some high-level media and political connections, and an AI ally capable of getting in almost anywhere.

But it turns out Veronica is kind of being controlled by Nemesis, who’s stoking her grudge against Diana (because, in an outrageous bit of mythology fail we don’t even have time to get into, Wilson thinks Nemesis is the goddess of… nemeses), so maybe we can explain away her brash incompetence as her not being in her right mind.

That doesn’t explain why, upon Diana’s breaking the spell, Veronica immediately bursts into tears and starts babbling, “I just want her to be safe— I can’t stop thinking about it— about her being alone and scared and not understanding what was happening—” And sobbing into Diana’s shoulder, she agrees to drop the lawsuit if Diana will search for Izzy.

“I--” [sobbing] “--I just want her to be safe-- I can’t stop thinking about it-- about her being alone and scared and not understanding what was happening--”

Remember, two of the very first things we learned about Veronica: she believes love is a weakness that her enemies will exploit, and she does not fucking trust Wonder Woman. She’s spent a long time cultivating a stony facade to hide her vulnerabilities. She’s not going to let that drop for Diana, not easily. She’s certainly not going to trust to Wonder Woman, the person she blames for Izzy’s loss, the task of recovering her daughter.

But that’s exactly what she does.

So then we get to WW #76. Diana has found Themyscira again, but before she can get caught up with her family, Diana wants to get Izzy back to her own family.

So naturally she LEAVES IZZY ON THE ISLAND and flies off on her own to pick up Veronica and bring her back.

“A reunion that is within my power to grant… yet it means bringing my enemy to the shores of my homeland.”

NO IT DOESN’T YOU ARE MAKING THIS NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED FOR THE SAKE OF MELODRAMA

So Diana drops into Veronica’s house all, ‘hey, I found your daughter, she’s in the place you hate most in the world, so I thought I’d bring you to her rather than make this easy on you’.

And Veronica, rather than saying, ‘if you found her, why didn’t you bring her with you?’ or ‘why should I trust you?’ or ‘what’s the catch?’… drops her gun and dissolves into a weepy emotional puddle. VERONICA.

Veronica: [wiping away tears] You’re s-still my enemy when all this is over. Diana: You’re still my enemy now. Come. No more tears. There’s a young woman anxious to see you.

Where Robinson erased Veronica’s love and desperation to rescue her daughter in favour of a simplistic villainous portrayal, we see Wilson doing the exact reverse -- erasing Veronica’s viciousness in favour of a simplistic portrayal of a forlorn mother who thinks only of her baby.

And again, NONE OF THIS IS NECESSARY, YOU COULD HAVE JUST BROUGHT IZZY HERE.

Bad characterisation and hacky dramatic devices aside, what makes this story thread particularly bad is that it effects a significant change both in Veronica’s individual arc and in Diana’s relationship with Veronica without actually adding anything to either. There’s no conflict, no complication, no trade-off, no character growth. It’s a half-arsed quick fix, removing an obstacle without any effort or repercussions, which is flat-out bad writing.

And what sucks is it didn’t have to be this way.

Consider this: What if, instead of instantly giving up her daughter for dead, Veronica immediately gets to work hunting for a stable path through the cracks in the worlds? And what if this time, rather than her efforts being a threat to Themyscira and the mortal world, they’re the key to Diana finding her way home and saving Themyscira?

In this scenario, Themyscira is not under attack from within (i.e. the civil war resulting from Grail’s overthrow of Hippolyta), but from without. Evil spirits and mythical monsters have been spilling out of the Underworld through the cracks in reality and the Amazons are engaged in a desperate fight to subdue them and stabilise their world before it becomes subsumed into Hades’ realm. (You could do some cool stuff with the topography of the Underworld beginning to bleed into Themyscira - the flaming river Phlegethon slicing through the landscape, the city strangled by poppies and asphodel.)

The path that Veronica locates leads through the Underworld, so instead of a wacky journey through the ~wild world of Hippolyta’s imagination~ we get an awesome katabasis story! One way or another, Diana and Veronica’s paths converge in the Underworld and they end up unwilling allies, relying on one another to fight their way through.

This unlikely team-up also gives us the opportunity to examine the characters’ conflicting worldviews and unresolved issues with each other. Greek mythology is full of daimones, personified concepts (e.g. grief, rage, nightmares), which provides some great opportunities to bring personal insecurities to the surface and make literal characters’ battles with their fears.

So they make it out of the Underworld and into Themyscira. They find their way to the Amazons’ stronghold, where Veronica is finally able to embrace Izzy. It’s an emotional reunion, but one fraught with uncomfortable edges. Veronica’s spent ten years on a very dark road. She’s committed monstrous acts, ruined lives, doomed souls in her quest to get her daughter back. If Izzy knew the woman her mother had become, it would terrify her.

And as the Underworld encroaches, threatening to swallow whole these women who welcomed Izzy in as family, Veronica’s faced with a choice: save herself and her daughter, while breaking Izzy’s heart — or be the hero Izzy still believes her to be and stand with her enemies to save Themyscira.

With Veronica’s help, they triumph. But the new status quo brings new challenges - maybe Themyscira is pulled into the earthly realm. Maybe the walls between dimensions, while stabilised, remain porous, riddled with cracks through which gods and monsters can escape and wreak havoc. And of course, Ares is now loose in the world, unchained, along with Phobos and Deimos, whose actions brought so much misery on Veronica and her loved ones — and who, now that they’re free, have some scores to settle.

And so, while Veronica is able to bring closure to one awful chapter, returning home with her daughter, she emerges with a new resolve: to monitor, control and — if need be — destroy these gods that now lurk in the world. Because she’ll let the worlds burn before she lets them touch a single hair on Izzy’s head ever again.

Godwatch is back online.

But nah, what we get instead is a trite little reunion that ties everything up in a neat bow for Veronica, with no sacrifices required on her part and no consequences for her terrible actions, because it’s easier to portray her simplistically as a bereft mother than to remember that, HEY SHE’S ALSO MURDERED A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.

#g. willow wilson's wondy is an exercise in disappointment #wonder woman #veronica cale #comics talk