#the movements of his first childhood abuser is like annnnnnywhere near enjoyable to work on

[mokutone]

since we are all in our sad yamato feelings tonight. im just gonna post this snippet of comic. it's post yamato being rescue'd, while he's still recovering. and it is not going well.

rough script of the page:

Kakashi is sitting in a chair next to Yamato's hospital bed, book in hand but not reading it.

Kakashi: —And you're currently her patient. You shouldn't be focusing on anything but your own healing.

Yamato is lying in bed, one hand covering his eyes, uses the other to flash a quick hand signal communicating his frustration.

Kakashi: Let alone trying to manage a hospital environment for her.

Yamato looks to the side, away from Kakashi.

Kakashi looks down at him, eyebrows low and furrowed in the middle in sympathetic pain.

Looking away from Yamato, Kakashi says: "It's not your fault, Yamato. You couldn't have stopped it.

Yamato whips his head around to fix Kakashi with a furious look.

Kakashi leans over the hospital bed. Hands raised in frustration.

Kakashi: What—what do you want me to say? That you could've tried harder? Do you want me to blame you for being a prisoner of war?

Yamato doesn't look at him, staring straight ahead.

Kakashi: Well, I won't.

Yamato turns his head away.

Kakashi: And neither will anybody else.

Yamato brings his hand up to his face again, rubbing it furiously.

Yamato uses two more hand signals, asking Kakashi to "Please, drop it."

In this last panel, we see Yamato's arm hanging off the bed, but close up, we see Kakashi's hand tighten on his own knee.

Kakashi: Ah.

Kakashi: Sorry.

———————————————

So like. plainly speaking (and plainly speaking abt like, ptsd + trauma + other various miserable things) a lot of the comic which this is a snippet of is about like. Yamato struggling to kind of regain control over his identity and his story, post-war-arc.

this interaction here is about yamato struggling with the fact that this entire situation was absolutely out of his control, and that there was nothing that he could've done to stop it—something which is particularly hard to accept, because it feels like that means that it could happen again. and again. and again.

but this is the nature of untreated trauma, right, living in fear of it.

he's refusing to accept that it isn't his fault because he feels like, if it is his fault, then its something he could fix, if he could just figure out what it is he needs to control about himself in order to avoid it.

kakashi is struggling to see Yamato refuse this, because taking on the blame for this situation is. absolutely horrifying. practically speaking, the fact that Yamato being captured wasn't yamato's fault doesn't mean that it's going to happen again. it's literally accepting the blame for something that's not his fault! that is going to hurt him!!!

But also. Yamato isn't in a space where he's ready to hear that! he does not feel safe enough to let his guard down even that much.

And really, Kakashi isn't a stranger to these thoughts either. It's not as though he hasn't spent his whole teenage + adult life trying to make himself responsible for everyone around him.

#this is a comic i have trouble working on because it is. literally the most miserable thing #ptsd discussion #trauma discussion #and because of the nature of the content its just incredibly depressing— #it has like. a ''happy'' or at least Looking Up ending where yamato gets strong-armed into dropping the orochimaru gig #but no step of watching yamato purposefully isolate himself in order to spend time trying to control and monitor #the movements of his first childhood abuser is like annnnnnywhere near enjoyable to work on #but like that makes sense doesn't it. in a way. when he wants to re take control of his identity #where would be better to go then back to the beginning #what would be a better position to take than one where it is not He who is being observed. monitored. had notes taken #but one where orochimaru is supposed to be the one being monitored. orochimaru's turn to be in the tank #yamato's turn to stand outside of it with a clipboard. take notes. report back. who is in control now? #of course this doesn't get him what he wants (to feel safe) but. he's trying #its just that what he really needs is like. therapy. and to let his friends fucking help. hooolyyy shit. #RISE. RISE. RISE. Where is your anger? Where is your fucking rage?