#the old guard humor

[mearchy]

I used to read a lot of really really dark sad whump fics pretty much exclusively. Characters getting absolutely mentally and physically annihilated in the worst, most soul-crushing circumstances possible. Lots of hurt no comfort. Lots of apocalypses. Over the past five or six years, I’ve turned to reading mostly stories about characters getting dogs and having adventures with them, or growing old together, or escaping bad circumstances against all odds. Fix-it AUs. Slice-of-life fics. I’m not necessarily a happier person. I think I just value those stories more than I did. Something something the dystopia is here something something wisdom comes with age. Dykwim

#this is also true for writing #my writing used to be DARK #dead dove do not eat type shit #and now it is literally physically impossible for me to write fics #with unequivocally sad endings #there always has to be hope #some light in the darkness #some humor or self aware satire. #it’s frustrating but something about it is like… okay. #i’m at a place in my life where i need to create things that don’t end badly #and that’s okay. #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #x men #cherik #do you guys remember how fucking intense cherik whump was like jesus fucking christ #magneto #mormor #bbc sherlock #doctor who #the old guard #star wars the clone wars #star wars #good omens

[lovelikedestiny]

Just some humor and romance with our immortal idiots as a little treat before the weekend💕

“Your eyes look like stones.”

This phrase on itself isn’t something Nicolo would consider as an intelligent observation and certainly isn’t proud of, and the way he says it aggravates the embarrassing situation tremendously: blurting it out like the words could burn his mouth if they stayed in a second longer, so sudden that he startles Yusuf who was drawing peacefully in front of the fireplace until now.

Until Nicolo ruined the relaxed ambience.

Instantly, Nicolo wants to take back every word he has ever said but although he cannot die, the power of turning back time isn’t part of his gift. Unfortunately.

Yusuf blinks perplexed, restless fingers stopping in motion. “I beg your pardon?” He says confused and Nicolo wants God to strike him down with a lightning or the earth to swallow him whole as his face starts to burn suspiciously.

And because his brain shortcuts, leaving him helpless on his own, and Nicolo has the ability to get himself into a right mess, he repeats his remark in a voice not sounding tender or gentle but direct and weirdly loud. “Your eyes look like stones.”

“Oh…” Something closely resembling disillusionment erases a spark in Yusuf’s endless night skies and Nicolo thinks he can detect a hint of disappointment in his tone which is more than he can bear. “Uh…I suppose I should thank you for…that?”

Before Nicolo can work up the courage to explain his hugely failed attempt, he turns back to his drawing, brushstrokes somehow more sloppy than before. Any trace of boldness Nicolo had left dies in his throat.

Because his effort to compliment Yusuf’s magnificent eyes has gone badly wrong.

Clenching his fists at his stupidity and incapability to do something right for once and weave colorful metaphors like Yusuf, Nicolo leaves their cabin. Seeking comfort in the presence of their goats, he vents his annoyance while petting their he-goat. “Why is it so hard for me to do one thing right? Just one thing?”

He waits in vain for advice from his furry companions.

Truth is, Yusuf is always the one forming breathtaking pictures not only with paint but with his captivating words too. With his voice, his facial expressions, his eyes, with his whole being, Yusuf is the definition of passion and creation.

He compares Nicolo’s eyes to a reflection of the moon on a motionless lake or shards of sea glass, having trapped the stunning forces of nature inside their fragile heart.

He shows Nicolo eagerly the sketches he made of him every time he has captured him in simple charcoal when he was cooking, goat milking or only daydreaming, in such a way that Nicolo dares to think of himself as…average looking. Because Yusuf manages to turn his flaws - the too big eyes or his huge nose or his large mouth, not able to smile even - into some kind of charm. 

He compliments Nicolo nearly every day, so often in fact that Nicolo has no idea how to behave whenever Yusuf tells him how his laugh lights up his face or his facial structure is a perfect replica of an ancient marble statue. Or “He is the moon when I’m lost in darkness and warmth when I shiver in cold. He is the kindness that treats the wound the world has caused me when it has shown its worst again.”

The delicate thing that has evolved between them out of their hardly won truce transformed into a cautious friendship is still fresh and Nicolo finds himself wondering at night, as they lie tightly embraced in bed after a weirdly chaste kiss or another new gesture of an affection that has just started to grow, how he has deserved such a man after all he had done. 

After all he had done during the Crusades…after all he had done to his former enemy.

In his first life, Nicolo had always been called verbally clumsy and straightforward; missing elegance in his pattern of speech. He had trouble learning to read, each day staying behind to finish his studies, being the last one of his monastery all the time.

This - the impulse to tell Yusuf how gorgeous he is in Nicolo’s eyes - is new terrain to him, tingling with excitement and worrying by extreme nervousness. Having blown his chance at the first try feels like a heavy stone in his stomach.

No-good, they had named him because he sometimes took longer to comprehend things. Failure, disaster, fool.

He feels like an utter fool now too.

With a groan of embarrassment he buries his head in his hands, tearing at his hair, surrounded by the goats’ pitiful bleating.

Yusuf and he don’t talk much after the…incident, spending their days and nights in the ordinary routine they had acquired themselves but the existing silence between them isn’t comfortable anymore.

It is Nicolo’s fault and he doesn’t know how to fix things, fearing to destroy them further.

On the sixth day he finally takes heart because he cannot endure another night in awkward tension.

“Thank you for the delicious meal,” Yusuf says smiling after dinner, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes, and stands to gather the used dishes.

Nicolo stops him by placing a hand on his strong forearm, enjoying the body heat seeping into his own skin as if he had been cold before. “Wait!” A swallow, a withdrawal of his hand when Yusuf freezes in motion. “Please,” he adds pleadingly.

But the crucial factor that leads Yusuf to settle back down on his chair appears to be Nicolo’s anxiously trembling hand on the table he hides a second too late in his lap. 

“Is everything alright?” Yusuf wants to know and Nicolo is almost close to crying because Yusuf suddenly seems highly concerned for Nicolo himself. When he isn’t answering Yusuf reaches over the wooden table top, unusually self-conscious in the way he presents the palm of his hand, offering the support of a simple touch. “Nicolo? Did something happen on the market today? Or is it something I s…”

“I’m sorry,” Nicolo bursts out, interrupting Yusuf mid sentence, and bites his tongue inwardly cursing right after due to his lack of finesse in conversing. “Oh my…why am I doing that?” He coughs flustered, suppressing the flight instinct constantly growing inside him. “I’m incredibly sorry, Yusuf. You did nothing wrong, believe me. You’ve been perfect and caring and kind and I want to deeply apologize to you because I screwed up.”

“Apologize for what?” Yusuf inquires, knitting his eyebrows so they form one dark line. “Nicolo, your behavior unsettles me. What is the matter?”

When he leans forward, Nicolo holds his breath, releasing the air only after Yusuf’s slim artist fingers stroke his cheek, calming yet still asking for an explanation of Nicolo’s edginess. 

Faced with Yusuf’s obvious concern and the wish to relieve Nicolo of whatever burden he is carrying on his shoulders, he decides to be honest - simple solutions often prove to be the most effective ones. 

“For offending you with my blunt remark.” Putting all of his eggs into one basket, he takes hold of Yusuf’s hand, slowly interlacing their fingers until their palms are slotted together like two pieces of a puzzle. “I didn’t mean to compare your eyes with stones and it pains me to know I hurt you with my inept words, even though you didn’t let it show.”

“No, you didn’t hurt me,” Yusuf astonishingly assures him after a moment of consideration, and squeezes his hand as Nicolo grimaces skeptically. “I guarantee you, you didn’t offend me. Was it unexpected what you said? Yes. Did it surprise me? Absolutely. But you didn’t upset me.”

Puzzled, Nicolo scrunches up his nose. “Then why were you so quiet? I couldn’t think of anything else than that I wounded you with my words and induced your disappointment.”

Yusuf smiles slightly at that, finally igniting the familiar spark in the two endless depths. “The only reason why I wasn’t myself the last few days was because I was incapable of figuring out what you wanted to tell me. I’ve heard and used a lot of stylistic devices but your phrase was a riddle I couldn’t solve. What did you allude to?” 

To Nicolo’s amazement Yusuf really just seems to be curious about it and he is crushed by a wave of relief. “Your eyes look like stones. I wonder what you were referring t…?”

“I love your eyes,” Nicolo cuts him off for the second time this evening and Yusuf suddenly makes a wheezing sound, hand getting limp in Nicolo’s own.

“What?” It’s almost funny how stunned Yusuf stares at him, lips slightly parted, except it’s not because Nicolo’s heart is beating so fast it hurts and he is sweating and maybe he is getting nauseous. 

“I love your eyes.” It is a dry rasp and his throat clicks loudly when he gulps. “I love your eyes, Yusuf.” He reiterates quieter, whispers it like a prayer in the hope of voicing the amount of devotion he feels for Yusuf, filling every single inch of his body. “Your eyes are so much more than stones and undoubtedly not so dull.”

Yusuf continues to speechlessly gaze at him, so Nicolo proceeds getting it all out of his system. “I love your eyes, is what I wanted to express with my pathetic phrase.” Following a sharp impulse he gets up to kneel beside Yusuf, not letting go of their interlocked hands for one second. “Your eyes are warmth: like sun-kissed wood and the glimmer of a safety promising hearth fire. Your eyes brim with raw, pure life and whenever you spot something you like they begin to glow with joy, so vivid I can taste your delight as if it were my own.”

At that, Yusuf tries to say something but all that leaves his mouth is a choked gasp and Nicolo has to laugh, more hysterically than anything else. “I can see infinite night skies in your eyes, beholding every opportunity you’ve gifted me with thanks to your benevolence of reaching out a hand to me after I had killed your people and raided your home. Your eyes are obsidian containing stars and I love them…” Nicolo’s lips curve into a barely visible smile, a bit unsteady in the corners due to the emotions overwhelming him. “...because I love you.”

He hasn’t even time to process that he eventually had the guts to tell Yusuf what went through his head days ago when his attempt on poetry didn’t work out as planned as Yusuf grabs the front of his shirt and nothing but reels him in.

Their mouths collide, clashing, but considering that Nicolo is being kissed by the man he loves and hangs on for dear life, doing his best to kiss him back just as feral, he couldn’t care less.

Yusuf cups his face as they part, both breathing heavily. “”Next time you’re going to be poetic, give me a little warning, okay?”

Nicolo giggles wetly. “I only did what you do to me every day.”

“How else am I supposed to show you how much I love you?” Yusuf says affectionately and Nicolo thinks he might die then and there.

“You love me?”

“Every day a little more, ya amar.” His beloved places another kiss on Nicolo’s lips, and another on his cheek, on his nose, on his forehead, covering his entire face with his lips. “Every second a little more.”

Almost a millennium later, Joe - dozing on their blanket amidst thousands of flowers, shining colorful in the afternoon sun - cracks an eye open and Nicky doesn’t even have to see his face to know about the mischievous grin having appeared in his beard. “What was the poetic declaration you used centuries ago in order to woo me? I’m afraid I cannot recall it. Was it something with stones by chance?”

Nicky merely shifts his weight and turns a page of his book, not making the effort of sparing him a glance. “You are the love of my life, Joe, but shut up.”

#it's been a hot minute since I've posted some newly written stuff so I'm nervous af #the old guard #fanfiction #fanfic #ficlet #tog #yusuf al kaysani #nicolo di genova #joe #nicky #joe x nicky #yusuf x nicolo #immortal husbands #immortal idiots in love #kaysanova #some humor #attempt at poetry #love speeches #Nicky probably centuries ago: Yusuf is so romantic I have to compliment him and his beauty #YoUR EyES LoOk LIke StONES #Joe probably centuries ago too: I wonder what Nicolo wants to tell me with that #*insert image of Nicolo hiding in their flock of goats trying to overcome this humiliating attempt of impressing Yusuf with #his weird-ass compliment #face burning bright red #replaying his words every night in his head dying a little more inside every time #while Yusuf is just like #What an intriguing metaphor #a riddle waiting to be solved #a word puzzle meant to sharpen my mind

[saetoru]

if one more person comments on the authors note of that al haitham drabble i will become the werewolf meme that rips off the shirt

#lulu insert the meme for me u have all the werewolf memes #but I WAS BEING FUNNY AND REAL #u are all cowards #ALSO it would be nice if ppl actually commented on the drabble itself instead of the silly lil authors note #like we got it #it was unhinged and caught u off guard #not everyone can have my amazing sense of humor #BUT ITS GETTING OLD OKAY SHUT THR FUCK UP

[celia-bracali]

My "The Old Guard" fic recommendation for today:

"It's not technically body snatching if they weren't really dead in the first place!" By

SiriusNebulae

Summary:

"C'mon, we gotta go break Joe out of the morgue again."

"I thought you just said this happens once or twice a century! How can it be his second time this year??"

"Eh, you know Joe."

The group has to break Joe out of the morgue again after he had to play dead. Started off cracky, but became fluff, found family, and Nile appreciation!

#tog #joe x nicky #immortal husbands #immortal family #nicolo di genova #fic #tog fic #nile freeman #andromache the scythian #sebastian le livre #yusuf al-kaysani #kaysanova #the old guard #fanfic #crack treatred seriously #morgue reference #fluff #humor #team as family #fic rec

[morfia-ramona]

First animation! :’D

#humor #tog #the old guard #the old guard comics #comic #first post #pls help #spanish #andy x quynh #noriko #omg #lesvian #meme

[geo-hmstck-liveblog]

HELLO ?????

#HEY . WHAT ? #this caught me off guard for a second . especially since i forgot for a second this is the start and its years old and also that its from t #at raunchy humor era of the internet and also i am black and it s 2023 . obama was elected president in 2009 #geo liveblog #3

[valeskafics]

"Fantasy Come True" - Paul Atreides x Harkonnen!Reader

a/n: combined the SHOCKING amount of requests you nasties sent for sex on top of a sandworm with mommy kink and harkonnen!reader 🤭🩷

Summary: Generations of enmity come to an end when you, the only niece of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, and Paul Atreides, the son of Duke Leto and Lady Jessica, are wed to each other.

TW: profanity, innuendo, she/her pronouns, AFAB reader, dream manipulation, semi public sex, breeding kink, p in v sex, creampie

Word Count: 1,500

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Dune characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images used nor do I claim to own them.

Comments, likes, and reblogs are never required but are immensely appreciated 🩷

Generations of enmity come to an end when you, the only niece of Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, and Paul Atreides, the son of Duke Leto and Lady Jessica, are wed to each other in a ceremony on Arrakis. Your houses are united and the Atreides and Harkonnen clans now each have a representative to rule on Arrakis and oversee the spice trade. And, even if Paul Atreides is the Chosen One - the Kwisatz Haderach - the machinations of the Bene Gesserit will not go to waste. Even if Paul was meant to be a daughter who was meant to be promised to your beloved brother, Feyd, the old women are just as happy with this arrangement.

What no one expected, however, was for you and Paul to see this as more than an arrangement of necessity. No one expected for the two of you to fall deeply, madly, passionately in love. Feyd and Rabban aren’t particularly fond of the idea, especially Feyd who seems to make it his business to ruin things for you and your newlywed husband at every turn, not entirely trusting him. Feyd is always casting him dirty little glances, making threatening remarks about the body parts he’ll remove from your husband should Paul ever hurt you. But Paul doesn’t care. He doesn’t fear Feyd. You know it comes from a place of love with your brother, and that he has volunteered to remain on Arrakis as your personal guard out of his devotion to you. And so, you humor it. And you convince Paul to as well.

However, your brother has - thankfully - been away to attend to business with Rabban and your uncle on Giedi Prime, leaving you and your husband alone in your palace, free to frolic around and revel in your newlywed bliss. You spend long afternoons together reading in the library, his head in your lap as your fingers play with his curls, exploring the planet and speaking to the Fremen, doing your best to learn their ways.

And, of course, this freedom from Feyd’s overbearing nature has certainly allowed the physical aspect of your relationship to flourish. Paul takes you anywhere and everywhere, the two of you making the excuse that you must bring forth an heir as soon as possible. Though everyone knows the truth of the matter.

You simply can’t keep your hands off of each other.

Tonight is no exception. You fall back onto your plush bed after a long night of making love to your husband, his head resting on your chest as slumber claims him, the steady rise and fall of his chest making you smile.

“What is it that you dream of, my love?” You sigh softly, fingertips tracing the contours of his face as he sleeps peacefully, a grin on his face, “Are you dreaming of me? Let me give you a little dream of me, my sweet Paul.”

You know your abilities aren’t supposed to be used this way, but you don’t care. You close your eyes and enter the world that is Paul’s mind, finding his dream only to confirm that he is indeed dreaming of you. The two of you back on his home planet of Caladan, wrapped in an intimate embrace, his body moving against yours. You decide to spice things up a little bit, quite literally, and weave a scene of the two of you standing on top of a sandworm on Arrakis, riding through the Dune together. You gently push him to lay back, your hand caressing his face as you join your body with his once again, his gaze completely focused on you as you ride him, your hips rolling against his faster and faster. Paul’s hands move up to cup your breasts, groaning as he squeezes, the creature you two lay atop taking a sharp turn, the danger of it all making your adrenaline spike.

“Have you invaded my dreams again, my duchess?” He teases, letting out a moan of your name as he feels you squeezing around him, “Someone could see us, sweet wife. You think this is such a good idea?”

“Shh,” you press a finger to his lips, a coy smile playing on your own as you continue, “Just let me take care of you, my sweet Paul. My darling duke.”

You’re a bit taken aback the next morning when Paul insists that he wishes to make last night’s dream a reality. He drags you by the hand, the two of you in your stillsuits as you climb atop the sandworm, more hesitant and unsure than you were in the dream. Paul climbs up first, extending a hand, the great beast moving at a slower pace than normal. You suppose it’s a perk of your husband having all the powers of the Mahdi. You two embrace tightly, planting your feet firmly as Paul’s hands move along your waist, squeezing your hips, groaning against your mouth.

And just as in the dream, you push him back, undoing the lower half of his stillsuit and your own, joining your bodies as one. He stares up at you, hands resting on your face, lips parted in awe as you begin to move against him. As wonderful as the dreams you two share are, there’s precious little that can compare to the actual feeling of making love. Of having him inside you, of being one with him. He fills you so perfectly, his cockhead hitting spots deep inside of you that you never truly knew existed before he took you for the first time.

Your hand threads in Paul’s curls, tugging playfully, while your other hand rests at his throat, squeezing just enough to keep things interesting. Paul, you learned early on in your marriage, loves having you on top of him, using him for your pleasure, taking charge of your intimate encounters. He loves worshiping you like the goddess you are to him. His duchess, his lady, his wife. Being with you like this is better than anything he ever could have dreamed up.

And God, has he dreamed of you. He’s dreamed of you since he was old enough to remember his dreams. And now, here he is. Laying beneath you, doing something insane and dangerous, and yet having no fear of it because you’re with him, your hair falling around the two of you like a curtain, hiding you away from the rest of the world. Paul sits up to kiss you as you continue bouncing yourself up and down on his cock, faster and faster, every nerve ending in your body and his own feeling as though it’s on fire.

“You feel so perfect, my darling husband,” you murmur against his lips, squeezing his throat gently, “You feel incredible. Fill me with your seed, my love. Let us do our duty. Let me bear you a child, one who’ll make the world tremble before him.”

Paul grins at your words, smiling into your kiss as his mouth moves desperately against your own. He feels his entire body go taught as he spills his seed deep inside you, letting out a low moan of satisfaction. He whimpers slightly when you continue, making yourself come as well before his cock can grow completely soft, the two of you laying atop the sandworm utterly sated and with wide smiles on your faces.

“You’re very wicked for having put this idea in my head,” Paul mumbles, brushing your hair off your face, the two of you fixing your stillsuits and getting ready as Paul commands the creature to move back toward the edge of the Dune, “How is it you seem to know the deepest, darkest desires of my heart better than I do?”

“The same way you know mine,” you whisper before pressing your lips to Paul’s once again.

When Feyd comes back a month later, he’s only somewhat surprised to learn that his beloved little sister is with child. He shoots Paul a scathing look before turning to you, congratulating you and asking when the baby is due.

“Well, it’s been a month since we made love on top of that sandworm, so you should be an uncle in eight months.”

“Oh, that’s wonder- what?”

You beam at your brother while Paul shakes his head from his spot behind Feyd, pleading with you not to tell your brother the intimate details about how the baby was conceived, “Yes, on top of a sandworm. A dream of my husband’s which I made come true.”

“Atreides…” Feyd slowly turns to face your brother, murder in his eyes, jaw locked as he rasps, “Run. And don’t stop running.”

“Is this a bad time to mention that the whole thing was your sister’s idea-”

“I SAID RUN!”

You watch the two of them, bursting into laughter as you rest a hand on your stomach, whispering to the miniscule bump that doesn’t even show yet how lucky he’ll be to have a mother, a father, and an uncle who love him so much.

#paul atreides x reader #paul atreides x you #paul atreides #timothee chalamet x reader #timothee chalamet x you #paul atredies x reader #paul atredies x you #paul atredies #dune x reader #dune x you #paul atreides oneshot #my writing

[iovesia]

IN THIS DARKNESS.

❥⠀masterlist. ⠀:⠀ ( keanu reeves masterlist. & gif credit. )

synopsis : sfw & nsfw dating john wick headcanons.

warnings: fluff. breaking up. angst. smut. canon typical violence.

pairings : john wick  𝒙  fem!reader.

josie’s note .⁺ ˖ ⌒ holy fuckkkk, the new john wick movie ignited something in me. i was straight up biting my lip off in the movie theater. enjoy these little headcanons while i try to come up with an actual fic. your media consumption is your own responsibility, read the warnings and enjoy! — reblogs and likes are greatly appreciated !! ♡

⠀

⠀

SFW.

Number #1 Gentleman™. Outside of his profession, he’s quite literally the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, and he'll really try to woo you when you first start dating.

Like, holding the door open for you, carrying your bags, giving you his jacket when you’re cold, paying for dinners, and even buying you expensive gifts.

This man is 100% loaded. Expect him to be buying you all kinds of trinkets and gifts. Whenever he notices you staring at something, or briefly mentions something, he’ll remember it forever.

John is super observational, he notices all the little things. His quietness (and lowkey awkwardness) make him an amazing listener. Because he lives such a chaotic life, in contrast to the one with you— he loves to listen to you ramble about everyday shenanigans.

He has a dry ass sense of humor.

Pet names consist of: sweet girl, and honey. He's a little old-timey like that.

Super protective over you. Like, second shadow level protective— man will not let you out of his sight. He's lost so much in his life, and after Helen, he just can't stand the thought of ever losing you.

While he would try to stay out of fights when he's around you, he'd wouldn't take shit from anyone who tried something with you. He's John Wick after all, so trust that he'd kick their ass.

Not a fan of PDA, and gets a little awkward about it in the early days of your relationship. Growing up in the Ruska Roma, physical affection wasn't exactly number one priority. So he's a little surprised (and touch-starved) when he notices how clingy you are.

Always walking his his arm around your waist, pulling you closer to him. Random sidenote, but I headcanon that John is warm all the time. Mans is a walking furnace.

You spend all your nights tangled in each others arms. He's always the big spoon, letting you rest your head against his chest and listening to his heartbeat as he encapsulates you with his strong arms.

John loves having you sit in his lap. The two of you could spend hours together, even if it was in silence, just enjoying each others loving embrace.

You end up getting a dog together, and you constantly tease John for his terrible choice in names.

"John, c'mon, don't be boring!" You giggle as you kneel down, rubbing the cheeks of the cutest pit bull you've ever seen. "We can't name the dog, Dog."

"You have any better ideas?" John smirks, kneeling down next to you, pressing his lips to the side of your head.

It'll take a while before he talks about his past and profession with you. He doesn't want to inadvertently drag you into his life of crime, and put you in any danger.

But, soon enough, the walls will lower and he'll let his guard down. John will confess secrets about himself, bit by bit.

It'll be on a random night, when you start tracing his tattoos with your finger. In a quiet whisper, you'll ask him what the one on his back means.

"Fortune favors the bold," he whispers with a raspy voice, his thumb rubbing your forearm, as you lean your head into the crook of his neck. "I got it when I was younger."

You always ask him to teach you some moves, and he's happy to do so, under the guise that it's for self-defense (and not at all that his muscles and figure look amazing when he's doing martial arts).

He can only keep running from the assassin life for so long, until it eventually comes to bite him in the ass. So to protect you, he forces himself to break up with you.

John, unfortunately, carries a large sense of self-loathing. He thinks and knows he doesn't deserve you. For the heinous things, he's done, he knew it was too good to be true.

You cry, and beg him to explain why he's doing this. But, in true John nature, he holds himself together and presses a soft kiss to your forehead before walking out.

You don't see him crumbling, and breaking down as he shuts the door behind him.

⠀

NSFW.

Size kink. Size kink. Size. Kink.

John is 6'1, so you'll be climbing this man like a tree.

He loves how big his hands look, when he presses your wrists down on the bed, or when he grabs a handful of your breast.

Missionary position is his favorite. He loves the intimacy, and being as close to you as physically possible.

You wrapping your legs around his waist, pulling him in closer as he leaves several hickeys along your collarbone— Lord, he can't get enough of it.

Corruption kink, I can't lie.

He's a big, scary, assassin— and his moral integrity is a little murky. John almost gets off on the idea of slowly corrupting you, and turning you into his dirty girl.

He is hung. That's all I have to say.

Again, super possessive. Do not ask him to share, he will shut that down.

For someone who never talks, he's suddenly dirty talking in your ear the whole time. His lips pressed against your ear, mumbling all kinds of things that make your cheeks burn.

"Hmm, what was that?" He hums, sending vibrations through your body. "Tell me what you want, sweet girl."

Breeding kink.

Not fully for the reason of wanting kids (although, he'd love to start a family with you and really settle down), but again for the intimacy.

He loves to mark you with his cum, another result of his total possessive protectiveness of you. You don't miss the way his eyes darken when he empties inside you, watching as it comes pouring out.

© iovesia, 2023. do not plagiarise, translate, or repost my work.

#john wick x reader #john wick imagine #john wick chapter 4 #john wick #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves #john wick 4 #jw4

[cordeliawhohung]

a dad!simon scenario that @ghostslillady planted in my head awhile back that i can't stop thinking about and figured i'd share with you guys <3

dad!simon gives you twin boys and they are an utter handful. from the very moment they're born, they're getting into trouble, but it's nothing simon can't handle. it's not uncommon to see him holding both boys at once, as they fit perfectly in his arms. and god, you almost give him another child the first time you see him do this. the way he does it so effortlessly, how he quietly mumbles his thoughts to them as he goes about his day, turns you on in a way you don't think you could ever admit to him.

dad!simon insists on putting the boys into football the moment they're old enough. at first you were worried about them getting hurt, as they're toddlers after all, but when you see them running around on the field, their cleats slightly too big and their shin guards slipping with every step, you can't help but coo about how adorable they are.

dad!simon, on the other hand, doesn't coo at them. he's shouting, cheering, clapping his hands every time one of them scores a goal. you're certain he intimidates the other parents, but no one dares to tell him to quiet it down. every time they win a game, simon lifts both boys onto his shoulders and parades them around the field until their stomachs hurt from giggling so hard. no matter if they win or lose, he always treats the whole family to dinner or lunch after the games, because hard work should always be rewarded <3

dad!simon is a smart man, but the new methods of doing simple elementary level math dumbfounds this man. "why do all those fancy steps?" he asks, eyebrows furrowed. "it's how the teacher showed us," one of them responds. "goddamn waste of paper, that way," he curses. you make sure to have a talk with him about how often he uses "foul language" around the boys. you're honestly surprised their first words weren't "fuck" or "shit."

dad!simon gets you pregnant again by the time the boys turn four, and honestly you were surprised it didn't happen sooner. this pregnancy is much easier to deal with as it's not twins, and the two of you are pleased to find out its a girl. when she's born, simon holds her like she's the most precious thing in the world, and your boys are just as gentle with her. taking turns holding her with your supervision, placing kisses on top of her head just like they saw their daddy do.

dad!simon and you go to every single one of her dance recitals the moment she's old enough to be enrolled. she stumbles across the stage with the grace of a newborn fawn, and yet simon and the boys are clapping and whistling the loudest out of anyone in the crowd. he buys her flowers, which the boys end up stealing in order to give to her themselves.

dad!simon gave your boys his height, and they make sure to bring it up at any possible opportunity. always putting things too high up on the shelves, or leaning their elbows on top of your head. they've also picked up on simon's dry humor, and dinner time conversation is usually filled with a myriad of terrible puns and anti-jokes that leaves you rubbing your face and groaning. it only gets worse when your daughter joins in.

dad!simon and you worry a little bit about your kids as they get old enough to date. especially your daughter, who's too kind and sweet for her own good. so when the two of you get called to the school one day because the boys got into a fist fight with some other kid, neither of you were exactly surprised. figuring they had been fighting over some girl, you were taken aback to hear that they threw punches because of something someone said about their sister. "he called her a cunt because she wouldn't go out with him!" one of them exclaims, causing the teacher to gasp at such a vile word. "no one calls our sister that and gets away with it," the other one finishes. that was all simon needed to hear in order to excuse their behavior. he buys them the new video game they've been begging you get them as a prize. "good behavior should be rewarded," he says to you with a slight smirk.

dad!simon doesn't tone down his affection when you're around the kids. of course he's not doing anything grossly inappropriate, but he doesn't hide the quick kisses he gives you, and he's always surprising you with hugs from behind while you're chatting with the kids or making dinner. always giving you gifts, to his beautiful wife who gave him such an amazing family. and this rubs off on your children. the boys always treat their partners with the utmost respect, and your daughter knows not to take any shit from anyone who would make her feel smaller for being a girl.

dad!simon and you watch as your children grow up into amazing people, taking the world head on by themselves. he forever thanks you for giving him everything he could have ever asked for, something he thought would be forever out of his reach. and there's something a little bittersweet about the fact that they're no longer living at home with you, having become full grown adults with their own lives to live, but the cycle begins all over again by the time your first grandchild is born <3

#simon riley x reader #ghost x reader #dad!ghost #dad!simon riley x reader #dad!simon

[norman-fucking-reedus]

Thinking a lot about GirlDaddy Daryl… like nobody can convince me that he wouldn’t be absolutely soft for his daughter

When she’s a baby his heart is just so full, the first months after having her he just cried everytime he held her. He’d think about how he has a family of his own to protect, and how he’s gonna work his ass off to be a worthy father unlike his own.

The toddler stage catches him way off guard. He now has a walking talking mini female version of him tailing along behind his every step. She follows him EVERYWHERE its absolutely adorable. He spends every day playing questionnaire.

“Daddy wha’s tha?”

“Don’ touch tha’ ya could get hurt”

Yes she would definitely pick up his accent, and yes it is the cutest thing. She lives up her nickname Lil Dixon all the way.

When she reaches the tween stages, tempers start to flare and arguments ensue, only unfortunately for Daryl his daughter is, well his, and not Judith, so instead of walking away she bites back, and surprisingly hard.

“Dammit girl jus’ listen ta me alrigh’?!”

“Fuck you!”

“Aye! Watch yer damn mouth missy- Don’ walk away from me!”

The conversation ended with a frilly bedroom door being slammed in his face, leaving him more grounded more than anything. He obviously ends up feeling horrible about, almost spiraling in your arms as he sobbed about how he was ending up lile his dad. You had to reassure him that “Good parents can still argue with their kids. Give her some time and then go talk to her”

Daryl may or may not have felt slightly sick when he knocked on her door a few hours later, but it was quickly washed away when the door open and she jumped into his arms.

“M’sorry fer swearin’ daddy”

“M’sorry fer yellin’ at ya kiddo”

Can you blame the man for crying a little? He didn’t get apologizes as a kid and right now he was healing himself.

Surprisingly the teenage stage ends up being the best, her having gained your sense of humor and a laidback personality, also not being afraid to speak her mind and defend her thoughts.

“Dad, yer gettin’ prettyy fuckin’ old. What am I gon inherit from ya?”

“M’not dyin’ any goddamn time soon girl, get away from me”

“Hey! S’rude to push women! Didn’t moms teach ya anythin?”

“Ya ain’t a woman, yer a girl. Now scram”

“Why are ya tearing me down?”

“Are ya gettin’ a kick out of botherin’ me?”

“Yes very much so”

She becomes his second best friend, constantly getting on his nerves and harassing him throughout the day. Having grown up with Merle, Daryl was used to some of her antics, at one point starting a prank war against her.

“Daryl, do you wanna explain to me why you’re filling balloons with glitter?”

“Yer daughter is gon have some real sparkly hair”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ ｡･:*:･ﾟ★

© norman-fucking-reedus 2024. I do not give permission for my works to be copied, modified, or adpated to any other platform. You may translate my works with my asked and given consent.

#daryl dixon #the walking dead #the walking dead daryl #daryl fanfiction #norman fucking reedus #daryl x reader #daryl x female reader #twd #daryl dixion imagine #twd daryl dixon #daryl twd #twd daryl #daryl dixon fanfic #daryl imagines #daryl x y/n #daryl x you

[tossawary]

A weirdly formative movie for me was "The Slipper and the Rose" (1976), which is a live-action movie adaptation of the Cinderella fairy tale set in some made-up European country. It is also a musical. I think it's fun and funny and sometimes quite sweet and I really like it as a comfort movie. It's kind of long and a little slow and old-fashioned and silly, and the ending is a little flat, but there are several songs that are just... about various logistical and humorous realities of being royalty... and I thought that was just fascinating as a young teenager who liked historical fantasy fiction.

(I excitedly tried to show it to a friend once and she was like, "WHAT am I watching?" She was bored during the dance sequences. It's quite different to the "(Rodgers and Hammerstein's) Cinderella" movie from 1997 starring Brandy. They're entirely different Cinderella musicals.)

The king and queen (and the dowager queen and the prince's cousin who will inherit if he doesn't marry) have a song sung to the prince called: "What Has Love Got To Do With Getting Married?"

The prince has a companion-at-arms (servant) named John and they have a really funny song together in the royal family's mausoleum, where the prince is like, "No matter what I do, I'm just going to end up buried next to these kings. Let me tell you all about how much they sucked as people." (It's called "What A Comforting Thing To Know" and it's probably my favorite song.)

The king and his ministers have a song all about the protocol for throwing a ball ("Protocoliogorically Correct"), because they don't want to offend anyone and accidentally start a war (again).

The prince's servant, John, is in love with Lady Caroline, who is the lady-in-waiting / companion to the dowager queen, but they can't get married because they're apparently too far apart in status. After the ball, when the prince is failing to find Cinderella, there's an entire song ("Position And Positioning") where John, the castle servants, and guards and civilians explain to the prince that there are ranks among servants and servants aren't as free to marry for love as the prince thinks they are. They even take the prince into the kitchens and are like, "Here are a bunch of other servants that you never see and barely knew existed, dude. They're going to do an extended dance number about this."

There are other musical numbers in this movie, including the romantic ("He/She Danced With Me") and heartbreaking ("Tell Him Anything") songs you would expect from a Cinderella story, but I mostly remember the humorous songs that actually engaged with the worldbuilding. I hadn't really seen a "fairy tale" movie do that before to that degree. (I'd seen books adapting fairy tales do it many times, but they don't have musical numbers.)

I think both "What A Comforting Thing To Know" and "Position And Positioning" are both worth watching by themselves, just for how unique they are among the many different Cinderella adaptations, and the movie clips are easy to find online. Go look them up if any of this sounds neat to you!

#tossawary watching #tossawary musicals #the slipper and the rose #cinderella

[hotvintagepoll]

hotvintagepoll Hot Men Tournament rundown thoughts

I promised a final recap post and here it is! I'll try to cover the questions I saw the most as we closed out the bracket, reveal my ✨secret faves✨, and talk about the biggest surprises and turnarounds I saw in the brackets.

Yes, this will get silly.

ROUND 1

As I've mentioned before, I worked off submissions for who to include in the bracket, so if your fave was missing—that's why. I used submitted pics when I could, but many submissions didn't have one, so I tried to find decent ones in the couple of days I had to prep the first round (I didn't always succeed). By decent, I mean pics where 1) I could see the hot man's face, so not too much moody lighting, and 2) hopefully conveyed something about his vibe, even if it was a funny thing (yes, I showed Howard Keel in full Shakespeare get-up—I'm not beyond putting up a pic because I think it's funny). I didn't know all of these hotties going in, so some I had to guess with, but when I could I tried to pick shots that had a touch of the humor, class, or genre of the hot man.

For Round 1 and Round 2, I grouped the hotties by each decade, so only '60s actors ran against '60s actors, '50s against '50s, etc. Male beauty standards shifted pretty dramatically over the sixty years this tournament covers, and I didn't think it was fair to pit dramatically different styles of beauty against each other immediately.

I pitted hot men against each other based on opposing energies—hot vs cold, elegant vs rough, comedy vs drama, etc.. I wanted the polls to be interesting and I've never liked brackets where everyone is clearly in different "lanes" until the finals! I also wanted to make polls where I couldn't tell which way they would swing, so by setting matchups that felt opposite but equal, I got to be surprised by the bracket results too.

The only reason we had any three-way matchups is because the amount of men submitted didn't round to a nice bracket number. I don't like them generally and find them really hard to balance.

Secret faves from Round 1—I am a James Coburn girlie and knew he would die immediately, so that was not a shock but a bummer. I similarly knew Robert Preston is only magical to people who have seen him do His Little Dance Routines in That One Iowa Musical, but it would have been nice for him to last longer.

Surprises—Jeremy Brett was a last-minute add and I didn't think he really had a shot, so I put him in as a third wheel on the Sean Connery/Dean Martin matchup. Little did I count on the Granada girlies. (Always count on the Granada girlies.) The Elvis/Peter Falk poll was the first one to gain any momentum—Elvis was winning for the first 24 hours but then, my god, did Peter fight back. I didn't expect the Tab/Toshiro poll to make that bad a mincemeat out of Tab—people have different tastes, and I thought the people who like blonde sunny All American white boys might turn out for The Blonde Sunny All American White Boy. Sorry, Tab. I hope you've peeled yourself off the sidewalk by now. And, of course, I was SHOCKED and APPALLED that James Cagney would be obliterated by, of all people, Mr. Bing Crosby.

SHADOW BRACKET

The fervor of the Harold Lloyd and Fredric March people inspired the shadow bracket, and I couldn't be happier at the way it's gone. You were right, the original photos I had for them did suck. Cunty Harold Lloyd in his little life guard uniform was a revelation.

ROUND 2

For Round 2 I'd gotten a better sense of who was doing well and who was not, so a little of that came into play, but I mostly paired on vibes again. (I genuinely think this is a good way to make a fun, challenging bracket.)

Secret faves—Noooo not hot dilf Dick Van Dyke don't take my hot inventor dilf away uwu!!! (He was up against Marlon Brando. I would have been shocked if he'd won but for a minute there, a glorious second, it was possible.) I am also a big old softie for David Niven's particular brand of repression to the point of volcanic rupture, but he is one of many hotties who does not look good without moving and speaking so I figured he would be going.

So much beef—hey! hey you. I ran a poll asking if we are horny for dancers. Yes, was the resounding poll response. Where, then, did all the fucking dancers go? This round we lost Donald O'Connor, Fred Astaire, Harold Nicholas; Sammy Davis Jr., Danny Kaye, Frank Sinatra, and Bing Crosby all sneak into this category as well, by token of having been in the kind of big MGM bang-a-pan-and-put-on-a-show beloved bedlams we all watch at Christmastime. Round 2 voters HATED musical matchups. Except for one.

The one—SOUND OF MUSIC, the voters said, WE LOVE SOUND OF MUSIC. we will KILL the man responsible for salad dressing because of the SOUND OF MUSIC. every other dance man can die but THIS man dances a FOLK DANCE with JULIE ANDREWS in a GARDEN. I did not go into this poll with strong opinions about Christopher Plummer or Paul Newman but my god did I leave having heard all of them.

Surprises—James Edwards/Anthony Perkins matchup was a nail biter! Conrad vs Oscar kept me up at nights. Surprised to see Basil Rathbone survive against Sabu Dastagir—both very fetching, but Sabu had some top-tier propaganda. Cesar Romero put up a surprisingly stiff fight against Cary Grant (an omen for things to come).

Oh horrors—horror heroes surprisingly fell all over the place. I was sure either Bela Lugosi or Turhan Bey would sweep their three-way matchup, but Michael Redgrave of all people carried through; Boris Karloff went down against Johnny Weismuller (while holding hands with fellow fallen hottie Fred Astaire), but at least we got his guacamole recipe before he went. Delighted to see that the Venn diagram of the coalitions who support horror hero Vincent Price and funny lil guy Donald O'Connor is a circle.

Secret faves pt 2—oh yeah, I fucking love Danny Kaye and Donald O'Connor. RIP funny lil kings.

ROUND 3

For some reason this was the hardest one to make matchups for. Oh no, all the men are hot.

Secret faves—Michael Redgrave i love you SO much you're SUCH an idiot, how did you make it as far as round 3. I want you to sweep the whole thing but you should NOT be surviving this. I love you, here's a kiss, go home.

Surprises—Marlon Brando is gone! Errol Flynn is gone! Christopher Plummer exhausted himself beating the organic oreos man to death and goes out with a whimper. Beginning to actually see the roots of #mifunesweep as Tyrone Power, a hot man very different from Burt Lancaster, who was in turn very different from Tab Hunter, also gets swept under the wheels of the unbeatable toshirobus. Conrad Veidt finds that no amount of purring svelte eccentricity compares to the people who will fuck a young Lt. Columbo.

SHADOW BRACKET 2

Cannot believe it but Veidt loses this one too. Perkins sweeps and becomes Prince of the Shadow Realm!

ROUND 4

At this point I've set a formal bracket that I'm following.

Secret faves—this isn't secret anymore, but losing Jimmy Stewart hurt.

Surprises—The Gene Kelly/Jeremy Brett matchup was the diciest one all round, moving back and forth between the two by sometimes .01%. Far more surprising, however, was Cary Grant getting eliminated before the quarterfinals. Grant has never been my type, but he is famous for being THE type, so while the writing had been on the wall the whole tournament—how on earth did Michael Redgrave even get 36% in his matchup?!—seeing Grant go down was a SHOCKER. Other fallen hotties included Gregory Peck, James Dean, Harry Belafonte, and Sessue Hayakawa. Peter Falk finally met his match in Omar Sharif.

QUARTERFINALS

Secret faves—I don't know if it counts as a secret fave, tbh, as my horses in the race really went out with Stewart, but I do have a soft spot here worth mentioning. Here's my childhood dog, Keaton.

The resemblance is truly striking, and yes, he was short, fast, and not prone to smiling.

Surprises—I couldn't predict how any of these matchups would go down, but I was most interested in Keaton vs Sharif, as they are both SO hot in SUCH different ways.

SEMIFINALS:

This was such a good batch of semifinalist contestants. By this point I think we could all tell Mifune was unstoppable (though I thought Sharif might give him a run for his money), but I really didn't know which way Robeson vs Poitier would flip.

FINALS:

I wanted Sidney Poitier to pull a last-minute sweep out of nowhere, but alas, Toshiro is just THAT GOOD (maybe. I will admit that I find Toshiro's domination a little hard to believe, given the variety and hotness of all his competitors; the man is hot but all these men are hot). I'm still happy with how the tournament went.

FINAL MEDITATIONS:

Biggest shock of a dropout: the loss of Paul Newman

Biggest "you people have no taste": the loss of James Cagney

Biggest victory: Paul Robeson making it to the semifinals over often-assumed champion Gregory Peck

Biggest coalition who deserve justice: dancing men

Biggest ask character: vents anon (currently eating Laurence Olivier)

Biggest, uhh, anything: how many of you are here! I genuinely thought it would be me and 10 other people voting for the whole tournament. I'm thrilled it took off like this!

I think that's everything, but I'm happy to answer addl asks. And THANK YOU to everyone for your tags, rants, impassioned propaganda, beautiful pics, and love for the hot men! See you for the ladies!

#hotvintagethoughts

[charlotteharlatan]

Do you ever think about what would have happened if Mary Hodges (formerly Mary Loquacious) hadn’t interrupted Crowley and Aziraphale’s “intimate moment”?

Because I do. I think about it a lot.

First off, the way that this shot is set up is perfect. Mary - Mary who had a key role in the whole “Antichrist shuffle” fiasco, and who is a walking reminder of the approaching apocalypse that will separate Aziraphale and Crowley - is literally coming between them. The show is full of these beautifully simple, yet easy-to-miss moments that only last a few frames.

Now, on its surface, this part of the scene mostly plays as humorous because Crowley and Aziraphale are sexless-by-default, non-human entities who just happen to come across to most humans as a very aesthetic queer couple. So naturally, Mary makes the same assumption as every other human that so much as glances in their direction, and isn’t that a laugh?

Except that…she’s not actually wrong about it being an intimate moment. Not just in the physical sense, although I think this is the closest we see them physically get in the whole first season (not counting being literally inside each other’s corporations, I suppose).

But it’s intimate in the emotional sense too, because Crowley is worried and stressed about having lost the Antichrist, and now on top of everything else he’s got Aziraphale calling him “nice” and poking at some very old wounds (if he’s so “nice” then why did he Fall?). And Crowley is also probably *frightened* - they’re inside a former Satanic convent that kept regular contact with not just Crowley himself, but also Hastur, and probably other demons too. For all Crowley knows, someone from his side could still be lurking about; they could overhear and get them both in big trouble.

And as if all that weren’t enough, I don’t think I’m imagining a healthy dose of frustration with Aziraphale in the mix either. Just a few minutes prior, the angel essentially tempted Crowley into miracling the paint stain out of his coat, and then broke their rules by saying “thank you” for it. Aziraphale has spent at least the last few centuries sending him some very mixed signals and we can see that Crowley is done with them dancing around each other. That game was more or less fine before, they had time, all the time in the world. But now, in just a few days, all the time in the world will be ENDING. And yet here’s Aziraphale, playing the same game as always, acting like nothing between them has changed, even though they both know better.

So yeah, it all comes to a head in that moment, and Crowley (sort of understandably) loses it a bit. He won’t actually hurt Aziraphale and they both know that, but he has to get across to the angel SOMEHOW that he’s experiencing some Big Feelings. And he doesn’t have a whole lot of options as to how to do that. He’s too worked up to communicate effectively. So he goes with the wall slam. This causes an emotionally charged situation which we’re primed to think will have an emotional payoff - the camera pulls in close, a dramatic transition, drawing us in to the tension of the moment right along with Crowley and Aziraphale.

And then there’s Aziraphale, who…doesn’t defend himself at all. Aziraphale, who is kind but far from defenseless, who used to guard the gate of Eden with a flaming sword, who was supposed to fight in a platoon of angels in the final battle. He’s no pushover, and yet he lets himself get literally pushed over. It doesn’t even seem to occur to him to stop Crowley, not even as he’s wrinkling his precious coat.

And maybe this is just my read of this scene, but Aziraphale’s reaction to Crowley coming into his personal space is interesting in and of itself. He doesn’t act as if this is the first instance of Crowley being that close to him - and it is CLOSE. Their lips are centimeters apart. Their noses are touching.

And one might well say that all of it happens so fast that Aziraphale is caught off guard and freezes up, but as so many have already pointed out about this scene, just after Mary interrupts he looks…blatantly longing, and then more than a bit put out.

And after Crowley lets him go, he casually fixes his clothes and goes straight back to bickering. Which may be partially a defense mechanism, because they don’t have time to talk about what just happened, there clearly won’t be any emotional resolution right now. But really, wouldn’t “you go too fast for me” Aziraphale be more rattled if that were truly the first time they had crossed that physical boundary and shared space like this? He looks affected, certainly, but quickly shakes it off.

And, to take it one step further: Aziraphale knows Crowley. He knows what words are likely to set him off. He has an established pattern of having Crowley do things for him, based on Aziraphale’s own prompting (see also: wordlessly asking Crowley to help Hamlet become a hit). Aziraphale does as much tempting to get Crowley to do “nice” things as Crowley does to get him to do “naughty” things. All of which is to say, Aziraphale may have actually been baiting Crowley here, but the bait is just a little too effective, and Aziraphale isn’t fully prepared for the intensity of the response he gets. But there’s a strong case to be made that by calling the demon “nice,” he’s looking to get a specific reaction out of Crowley. Again, not the healthiest form of communication, but it’s what they have in this context, because honesty would be too dangerous.

Which brings me back to my point: it IS an intimate moment, in more ways than Mary could have possibly realized, and what if she hadn’t walked in on them? How would Crowley have finished his sentence that got cut off, and how would Aziraphale have responded to it, to Crowley’s outburst of emotion, or to their proximity?

Maybe he would have gently and politely pushed Crowley away - but to me, something about his expression and body language says he wouldn’t have. Because Aziraphale is tired of dancing around this too, actually, and in the heat of the moment, he may just have closed the distance. Especially if they’ve had “intimate moments” before this one.

And between you and me, I think they did, and I think it was after Crowley saved Aziraphale and his books during the Blitz. It’s a solid explanation for the increased tension between them in the holy water scene.

Anyway. This meta has been sitting in my drafts since before the first trailer came out, S2 is only nine days away, and I’m clearly very normal about all of this.

#good omens #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #go meta #meta #analysis #scene analysis

[hypewinter]

Clockwork clutched the bundle close to his chest as he approached the two entities.

"I am glad you could meet with me on such short notice," he greeted.

The first of the two figures looked up. She was a tall and boney woman, with ash grey skin. She wore a long black mourning dress and a veil that obscured most of her features.

"Think nothing of it old friend," came a low gravely voice. "Why have you called?"

It was then that the ancient of time revealed what was in his arms. Gently unfolding the blanket, he exposed the face of a sleeping baby.

"Something has happened to the King of the Infinite Realms," he said. "As you can see he has now become a baby. As such it is no longer safe for him here."

"He's so cute!" the second being beamed. "I just want to squish his tiny widdle cheeks!" He was practically a being of pure light but right now, he had dimmed himself to a man with blonde hair. Very reminiscent of one of his chargers.

His outburst garnered a little slap on the back of his head from his companion. "Hush," she hissed. "The child is sleeping."

"Thank you, Lady Gotham," Clockwork said.

"Of course, you may continue."

"I have called you here because I need a favor. He cannot stay here and I was hoping I could place him in your care," The ancient of time explained.

Lady Gotham stepped forward, reaching for the baby, "Of course. It would be-"

Clockwork pulled baby Daniel out of reach. "Allow me to finish. I wish for you to raise him together."

It wasn't often that the guardian of Gotham was thrown off guard but this time, she audibly gasped. "You want me to raise the child with him?" she questioned, pointing to her companion.

"Indeed. I mean no offense but the Speed Force will provide a sense of humor and freedom you will not be able to. I have seen how tortured your own charges can become." Clockwork replied.

Lady Gotham growled but the Speed Force just went back to cooing. "Awwww I get to help raise this lil guy," he gushed. "Ohhhh I'm so excited! I'll teach him lots of fun games and we can binge watch so many shows together. And and and, I'll let him try all my favorite foods. Maybe I'll even introduce him to my speedsters. I bet it will be loads of fun!"

This earned him another slap. "You fool, what part of the child is sleeping do you not understand? Besides, the child will need more stimulation than television and he cannot eat all that junk you call food."

Clockwork turned back to Lady Gotham. "This is why I am leaving him in the care of the both of you. Each of you provides something the other can not. Can I count on you?"

Lady Gotham stepped forward once again and this time Clockwork allowed her to take the baby. "Fear not, Kronos. I will make sure this dolt does not endanger the child. He will be safe in our hands."

"Yep!" the Speed Force added. "We'll give him the happiest childhood on Earth!"

Clockwork sighed. He knew this was the optimal timeline yet still he doubted. He leaned in close to baby Daniel. "Take care little one," he whispered. "The Realms shall eagerly await your return." Then, in an uncharacteristic move, he planted a quick kiss on the baby's head. Daniel giggled softly in his sleep but didn't wake.

Clockwork straightened looked at the two before him. "Go now, quickly. And take care."

Both nodded firmly before turning and disappearing into the portal from whence they came.

#dp x dc #dc x dp #winter's tales

[celia-bracali]

"The Old Guard" fanfic recommendation:

"The food of love" by smilebackwards

Summary:

Nile’s first confirmation that Nicky is a real live human being and not a benevolent food ghost that haunts their apartment, comes at 1:21 in the morning on a Thursday.

Or: the AU where Nile cannot seem to meet her roommate Joe’s new boyfriend.

#tog #joe x nicky #nicolo di genova #the old guard #fic #tog fic #yusuf al-kaysani #booker | sebastian le livre #nile freeman #alternate universe no power #alternate universe modern setting #fluff and humor #fanfic rec #fanfic

[huexuri]

⊹ advantage : dom!kai x fem!reader ⊹

NSFW, MDNI!!

warnings: bsf!kai, roommate!kai, fem!reader, dom!kai, cum denial, slight mention of nipple play, praise, degradation, fingering, size kink (bigger hands, smaller hands)

note: i just couldn't... im supposed to be on a writers block but this fancam of hyuka changed the trajectory of my life. + not proofread so sorry for any mistakes

incorrect key. off tune. forgot to press this key. no, off beat. wrong chord.

your blood's boiling at this point, sitting in your roommate's room and in front of his keyboard; death stare piercing through those dizzying piano keys as if the inanimate object betrayed you.

"when will i get this right? ugh, stupid fingers, stupid me!!!" you clench your fist and begin to collect yourself to play again.

your pinky stretches across the keyboard to play an octave, but your your fingers are trembling over the piano keys. after all the nonstop continuous playing and aggressive slamming of fingers on kai's piano, you can't tell if you feel bad for your fingers or the poor keyboard. you let out an agitated scoff as you're barely pressing on the keys — friction being the only thing keeping your fingers barely on the edge of each key.

for some reason, an octave on the keyboard is way too wide for your fingers to press both keys simultaneously, and to you, that's embarrassing as hell. you stare dreadfully at your short, stumpy fingers that clearly isn't made to play piano. you've always wished you were rachmaninoff or something.

you slam onto kai's keyboard in frustration as you sit in the deafening silence that follows.

until, a twist of his doorknob catches you off guard when you're met with your blue haired roommate, hueningkai, his concerned eyes peering right at the keyboard as the door slowly creaked open.

"um.... everything alright? what are you doing in my room, absolutely wrecking my piano?" kai lets out a nervous chuckle, then his gaze fixates back up at yours as you fume.

"you're home so fast?" you immediately turn off his piano and stand up, cheeks flushed red and the tip of your ears glowing the same red in embarrassment.

"don't be embarrassed or anything, just asking since you have your own keyboard..." kai closes the door behind him and throws his bag onto the floor.

"yours felt better to play, i thought... but maybe i'm just the problem." you sigh, defeated, dropping back onto the chair.

"what is it though?" kai bends to reach your height and turns on the keyboard.

"might sound embarrassing, but can't reach an octave." you show him by stretching your fingers across the keyboard, the pads of your fingers barely pressing the designated keys.

"what do you mean? you can!" his chin points to your fingers.

"well, barely." you scoff again, and you're probably bothering kai with your continuously negative attitude.

"pfft... why are your fingers so short? can't relate.." kai hysterically laughs and plays an octave with barely any effort, his fingers even able to cover 2 keys over an octave.

"flexing much.." you cross your arms and roll your eyes. "i'm so awfully jealous. can't do anything at this point, my hands are like, useless."

"i'm just better!" kai cockily shrugs as he goes on to play a piece full with scales and octaves like it's nothing.

"don't act like you're superior... you just have an advantage of having longer fingers." you look back up at him, sneering.

"wanna give me attitude? well i bet you can't even finger yourself and make it feel good. are your measly fingers shaking already?" kai laughs teasingly, and he's coming back at you with the humor of a 14 year old developing teen.

he's sounding really fucking cocky right now, but even that stupid comment had a tinge of degradation in it and damn... it was kinda hot. no, really hot.

"okay, you help then! yapping as if you can make me feel better, i doubt it." you snap back at him, trying to ignore the heat on your cheeks returning back once again.

"you doubt it? do i have to prove it to you?" kai responds, and you go quiet immediately.

"well?" you sweep imaginary dirt off of your pants as you hurry to walk out of that room. "think about it then." you nervously snap back as a last attempt to return the attitude.

in a blink of an eye, you're gone from the scene, leaving kai in his room, barely processing what just happened, upper teeth digging into his lower lip as your last few words ring in his head. "what do you mean think about it....?" he murmurs.

you probably forgot about that conversation as you woke up, because it didn't occur to you that in the midst of scrolling on tiktok, you'd receive a notification from kai, asking you to go over to his room when he could just come out and ask you. despite the suspicion of it all, you drag yourself from the sofa to his room. what could he possibly want from you at 2pm in the afternoon? you swear if he's going to tell you some stupid ass dad joke you'll actually eat him alive.

"whatcha want?" you enter his room, the coldness of his air conditioned room immediately slamming you in the face, feeling like you're suddenly in antarctica.

kai puts down his headphones and his gaze follows you the more you walk. you look at him, a mix of a concerned and disturbed expression.

"whaaattt?" you giggle.

"about... that thing you said yesterday..." kai hesitantly says as he stands up from his chair, and onto his bed. he taps a spot next to him, indicating for you to sit.

you put down your phone next to his headphones on the table and sit down, clearly confused. "yeah, what about it?"

"i thought about it for a bit after you left. i mean ... if you're being serious...?" kai tries approaching the topic, trying to sound the least like a pervert as possible.

"oh—um," you gulp, and he's on the verge of spitting out apologies for ever bringing it up.

"no, well, uh, i don't see a problem?" you start to rethink your life choices; are you really going to let your boy best friend of years to finger you? just to prove a stupid point in a childish argument?

"i do wanna prove to you, wanna... show you that i'm actually good." he hesitantly blurts out.

"you've never tried, have you?" you laughed at his confidence.

"might sound weird as hell, but i've been watching porn solely for the purpose of knowing how to finger someone. it was supposed to be a stupid joke between my homies, but i think i'm really not that bad. well, i never know until i try, and yesterday when you said that... um, i thought of it as the perfect opportunity. i really do want to make you feel good and prove you wrong." kai rambles, muttering in between his words like a shameful perv.

"calm down," you reassured him. "show me what you've learned."

with a grin, he positions himself to sit on the bed against a wall and invites you to sit in between his legs.

you don't hesitate to do so; sliding your loose dolphin shorts off of you and sitting against him in a way that your back presses against his chest and your legs rest comfortably spread onto his. your hips are tilted so that your clothed pussy is exposed to the cold air of his room.

looking up at him as you fondle with your clothed tits gently, you could see the want in his eyes and his hands would travel to hold your waist from behind and up, under your shirt to grasp at your braless breasts. his bigger hands cupping your breasts really do feel different and way more warm and arousing. his eyes roll back as he flicks his calloused fingers over your delicate buds.

"they're so nice..." kai pants, and you feel an obnoxious bulge grow hard against your plush ass.

"damn, i can feel you already." you subtly grind against him and his lips slightly part to take in a breath that was caught up in his throat once he felt you move against him.

"how do you expect me to not be hard?" kai giggles and his hands start traveling up towards your face to cup it. he lifts your head to twist slightly in his direction, and he kisses you. you can taste the minty gum he always has a habit of chewing every second of the day.

"you're seriously chewing gum at this moment? typical kai .." you scoff and peck at his lips before grabbing his hand towards your core.

his hands move by themselves to start rubbing you over the thin cloth, and you've already soaked his fingers with your slick.

"complaining that i'm hard already but you're already this soaked? i haven't done anything yet..." he rubs you harder, and you squirm beneath him. you can feel his grin against your head.

"w-wasn't complaining, mm.." your back arches away from his chest and your nipples perk up so visibly over that baggy shirt. the sight alone makes him so worked up, he's always had a thing for your plush tits, ass, tummy, everything.

he pushes your panties aside to expose you raw to the cold air and you jolt slightly at that.

"my god, you're drenched. so fucking soaked, more than i thought you were." kai coos as he spreads your slick all over your pussy, applying the perfect amount of pressure on your clit for you to be throwing your head back onto his shoulder as your jaw drops slightly agape.

"don't talk like that, gonna make me wetter." you mutter out, so soft and needy it's almost impossible not to miss. but kai catches it, and he only chuckles under his breath, vibrations traveling through the top of your head, resonating throughout you.

kai plays around with the slick on your pussy, enjoying the moist sounds that it creates as he swirls it and taps it against your folds, almost forgetting that you're almost on the verge of cumming at this point from how he's just flicking around.

"gonna cum, please, let me cum. i've been throbbing since you touched my tits, p-please?" you beg. but kai shows no mercy, and immediately without warning—

"fuck!" you yelp, his middle finger now entirely up you as kai chuckles, unnerved. his single finger feels like two of yours.

"hold it for a bit, can you?" kai lowers his gaze at yours when you look up at him, teary-eyed.

you clutch at his thighs in response.

he slowly thrusts his finger in and out of you. "you're so worked up over my single finger, what if i insert another?"

"no, a-am not,," you deny.

"oh?" kai sneaks another finger up you, filling you completely. "you're so fucking tight, it's cute. so wet and you still manage to be so tight." he whispers, and you whine under him.

you were never ready for when he would thrust in and out of you at an increasing pace, and god knows what you were going to do when he curls both his fingers deep inside you. but oh, he does.

he kisses you on the crown of your head, curling his fingers to prod at the spongy spot inside of you, pulling a cry from your lips as lewd sounds begin to fill the air; loud and wet. his lips capture yours in a kiss as you grasp his other hand, guiding his fingers back where you want them — under your shirt.

"fuck, oh my god,, k-kai.. you..." you murmur uncontrollably as you grip on his thigh with strength you never knew you had.

"oh yeah? am i not better? then why are you squirming against me and moaning my name so loudly? why are your nails digging into my thighs? clenching around me like you don't want me to let go," he teases, his chin resting on the crown of your head, looking down at you with a grin. "huh? huh? fuck, doesn't it feel better? say it!" the pad of his fingers grasp on your breasts as he finger fucks you with speed that feel like the speed of light. you're so dazed in the head you feel high and you don't even know if you're saying the correct words.

"mmfff—fuck, better, better, hnggg~!" your eyebrows furrow as your hips jitter uncontrollably, clit so swollen it's dizzying. you feel intoxicated and your brain is barely processing your surroundings anymore, but as you reach your high, you can't even address that you're going to cum, the only indicator is of your moans becoming louder and breaking more and more.

"what's better? say it properly, hm?" kai continues to tease as his fingers curl up into your gummy walls at indescribable speeds, fingers so skilled you feel like you just passed out.

"you're, aaah—hhngg~ c-can't, say anything,, fuck, fuck—!" you're not even aware of what's rolling off of your tongue anymore. maybe barely, but all your consciousness is probably clouded somewhere above your head. eyes rolling so far back your skull that you start to see stars.

then, it fades white — and you can feel yourself release all over kai's poor fingers and poor bedsheets that will probably smell obnoxiously like you afterwards.

it feels as if your heart is pumping 200 beats per minute and as you come back to your senses, you can feel kai pampering you with kisses all over your head and his signature comforting tummy rubs as he pulls back your panties in its place. the deafening white noise inside your head starts to tone down and it fades to kai, showering you in praises and reassuring words, telling you you did such a good job and so on.

“what a pretty girl… such a good girl for me, handling all this so perfectly.” kai returns to his usual comforting and soft tone.

“i'll finally admit.. you made me feel better than any time i've ever played with myself.” you sigh in defeat, and kai smiles.

“though, that boner beneath me never went away huh?” you turn back, and kai's grin changes almost instantly into a needy one.

“well, if that's the case, i think i deserve your help.” kai states.

“i think so too.” you giggle as you get up from your position to face his achingly hard boner.

the rest of the day was like no other, and at the end of the day… both of you are confident that kai is significantly better at playing the piano than you are. and better at fingering you, obviously.

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