#the one that swears

[shinseifer]

"average cat owner spends 3 years in prison" factoid actualy just statistical error. average owner spends 0 years in prison. Miette's mother, who kicked her body like the football and went to jail for One Thousand Years is an outlier adn should not have been counted

#miette #spiders georg #tumblrstuff #meme #1k #One Thousand Notes #oh! oh! #I swear I can math in real life #10k #tumblr is insane #is this post making the miette tag trend #20k #I know there are more than 333 cat owners #It was a small sample size #40k #50k #75k #100k

[haroldhighballjordan]

sometimes I randomly think about the time a girl posted in this girls only Facebook group I’m in telling everyone how she broke up with her boyfriend and he lied saying that he lost the spare key she gave him, only to then break into her apartment when she wasn’t home and steal the cat they’d adopted while they were together, but then he denied having done this and she didn’t really have proof that he took the cat since he wouldn’t let her come into his place and look for it. And then another girl saw this post and knew her ex-boyfriend, and she was like “girl. I used to hook up with your mans back in xxxx and I still have his number. If you want, I’ll hit him up and get him to invite me back to his place and see if your cat’s there.” And the OP was like “bet.”

So this woman hit up homie dog, asked him out for drinks, went home with him, slept with him, and then woke up in the middle of the night and TOOK THE CAT. Like she had only said that she would confirm if the cat was there but then she took it upon herself to steal this woman’s cat back. Like she full on Trojan horsed this man and then hit up homegirl like “I got the goods. Where you wanna meet.” And then the two of them posted a photo of them together with the cat to the group.

And I just think women supporting women is so beautiful.

#the best part of all is that I also knew the ex boyfriend because he worked at this place my friend was the manager of #and I texted my friend like ‘yo have you heard about this cat situation’ #and she was like ‘I swear to god if one more person asks me about this fucking cat’ #it was the drama of the century #the whole city was up in arms over this cat

[spyglassrealms]

had a fucking hilarious dream that tumblr replaced the "block" function with the far funnier "glock" function, which did the exact same thing except whenever anyone blocked you a random bullet hole, like a png of a bullet hole, would appear on your blog. discourse blogs were unreadable bc you'd go to the page and the sheer amount of bullet hole pngs stacked over the blogs obscured everything. I woke myself up laughing

#normally I don't chronicle my dreams here but fucking hell that one was funny #I think this would genuinely make tumblr better tbh #@ staff do this cowards #spy has thoughts #my life is a sitcom and i am my own laugh track #functional website #spy's smash hits #Glock function #edit for everyone in the notes saying 'everyone clapped' #I know I can't prove to you that it happened for real you're just gonna have to trust me on this #but I swear on my goddamn life I'm not making this up #I make so many conscious puns that sometimes my subconscious cooks up a real good one

[xshinina]

*Married life playing in the background

This idea was probably funnier in my head

#sansmaeda #sansmaeda wedding #undertale #danganronpa #nagito komaeda #sans undertale #meme post #I swear there's a reason why not everyone attended in nagito's side #no one wanted to go in the first place #sdr2 #fanart #so for the record: #Ibuki DID attend but could't stay put for 5 minutes so she got bored and left #Teruteru is still pretty angry and bitter at Nagito #Hiyoko couldn't care less and thought it was gross #Akane saw no reason to go since her main source of food wouldn't go (Teruteru) #And spoiler alert but Chiaki's fucking dead lmao #she would've gone tho #probably #Also pretend nagito's using really good foundation on his hand cuz I totally forgot about his metal arm

[payasita]

being a manager sucks balls half the time but the cashier kids im in charge of trust me enough to dick around in front of me so ive been keeping a running list of the shit they say that makes me laugh randomly: -"guys, is it cheating if you play fortnite with your ex" [4 seperate others, immediately]: "YES" -"there must be like… infinite sentences" -"bro what bro what the fuck bro what's that mean bro why'd you say that bro what" <distraught response to a girl randomly greeting him with 'hey there big boy' in an old timey transatlantic news reporter accent

#personal #text #gonna miss these kids lol #theres more i cant remember rn but i swear to god some of them do it just to make me crack up when im the only one in charge #infinite sentences kid and bro what the fuck kid are the same kid #he could not give less of a shit about this job it's so fucking funny

[stargirl230]

thanks for the light

I was just trying to figure out how procreate works but then the op brainworms got to me and 35 hours later here we are! can you tell I miss home-cooked meals :')

(no reposts; reblogs appreciated)

#my art #artists on tumblr #fanart #one piece #opla #zosan #blackleg sanji #op sanji #roronoa zoro #nami #usopp #monkey d. luffy #i was like wow procreate is so cool for letting me check time spent on each canvas...35 HRS and 22 MINUTES???? #tbf it's spread out over 3 weeks BUT STILL #guys...the file name for this is nakama.png and im so emotional about it #something something comfort food and family and this is what love looks like and now im sobbing #im so predictable it's the found family that gets me every time #and the scene where they all announced their dreams with a foot on the barrel?? i swear i teared up a little #also this is lowkey the most complicated thing i've ever made im so proud #nothing but the best for these strawhats <3

[brainwormcity]

David Tennant doesn't know how to half-ass a kiss. If/when we finally get a good kiss between Crowley and Aziraphale, I suspect I will be passing away from the passion of it. He just puts his whole David Tennussy into every kiss.

#one thing about David Tennant is that he's gonna be kissing #David Tennant kiss #good omens #crowley #aziraphale #ineffable husbands #aziracrow #david tennant #michael sheen #good omens 2 #aziraphale x crowley #a/c #ineffable partners #ineffable divorce #ineffable kiss #I swear if we get another chin kiss I will punch a wall

[lazylittledragon]

if i had a nickel for every au spawned from twitter that i SWORE i was going to be normal about

#i'd have like. five. which isn't a lot but IT KEEPS HAPPENING #stranger things #platonic stobin #steddie #steve harrington #robin buckley #eddie munson #here we go again boys #i've had this floating in my head for a Minute and i was like #nah i'm not gonna do it #maybe i'll anonymously write a fic #but no we're mombin posting on main #i think on twt we agreed it's a 'what's the worst that could happen' situation #platonic co parents can be so so so personal #also i have One more stobin wip and then bg3 again i swear #when i have a baby i Will be putting my giant black wings on beforehand #they have to know what kind of family they're coming into #cw pregnancy

[glitchedcosmos]

Yeah he’s fine.

#this was so funny in my head #i giggled drawing this fr #he lost his emotional support boyfriend in one episode fr #guys I don’t think sonic is fine #lmao #sonic prime season 3 #sonic prime #sonic prime art #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #my art shit #sonadow prime #sonic prime spoilers #sonic #sonadow #sth #i thought sk many things after ep 1 was realeased and this was one of them #this is so funny to me I swear lol

[dongslinger--420]

When BoJack Horseman (2014-2020) said "you can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it ok. you need to be better" and "all we have are the connections we make" and "I really should've thought about the view from halfway down" and "sometimes you have to take responsibility for your own happiness" and "you do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around, you turn yourself around, THAT'S what it's all about" and "things have to get worse before they can get better" and "in real life, the big gesture isn't enough, you need to be consistent" and "if we hadn't met each other until now, we wouldn't be the people we are now" and, my personal favourite, "every day it gets a little easier, but you gotta do it every day, that's the hard part, but it does get easier".

#if i hear ONE MORE PERSON say this show is depressing and pessimistic i SWEAR #this show cured my depression #bjhm #bojack horseman #bojack the horse #mr peanutbutter #todd chavez #diane nguyen #butterscotch horseman #the sad horse show #1k #2.5k #5k #7.5k #10k

[isjasz]

🌖🌗🌘🌑🌒🌓🌖

(happy eclipse day yesterday🎆🎆🎆)

#dddaily4sherin #day 274! #geminitay #pearlescentmoon #mumbo jumbo #grian #goodtimeswithscar #cubfan135 #ethoslab #smallishbeans #tangotek #impulsesv #skizzleman #hermitblr #hermitcraft #hermitcraft season 10 #solar eclipse #my art #magic mountain #magical mountain #(GUYS WHICH ONE I SWEAR) #decked out diamond #(??? no clue if that ended up being their group name) #idk about the colors anymore i have stared at this for too long i just need to post it now. hope it looks ok HKASJDJASDkj #i considered drawing all the hermits but id probably die #:D ECLIPSE WOOOOOOO i dont think i did it justice that much ngl but tried my best o7

[nicetomeetmew]

Are you KIDDING ME? (via @amauryguichon on Instagram)

#the chocolate guy #amaury guichon #chocolate man #i swear #one day we'll wake up and the world will be chocolate #the chocolate man

[dostoyevsky-official]

just one more graduate degree bro. i promise bro just one more graduate degree bro and it'll fix everything bro. bro. just one more degree bro. please just one more. one more graduate degree and we can fix this whole problem bro. bro cmon just get one more graduate degree bro i promise bro. bro bro please you jsut need one more degree

#bro this is a different graduate degree bto uts a different one this is a master of science bro this isnt master of arts #this will not make you unemployable and unnaproachable just stry it bro i swear just do the courses bro #please bro it's a different graduate degree bro

[sabertoothwalrus]

I know it's probably just referencing how in the original F+C she said she was in love with ice king but I love the implication that Finn would also find simon hot. maybe cause simon isn't cold anymore HAR HAR HAR

#this is the first time I've EVER let finn say actual swears in a comic.. #THIS IS ONE SIDED #BTW. DONT KNOW IF THAT NEEDED TO BE SAID #finn mertens #adventure time #simon petrikov #fionna and cake #my art #comic

[chloesimaginationthings]

FNAF movie Mike learns William Afton is a freak

#myart #chloesimagination #comic #mike schmidt #michael afton #ballora #toy chica #william afton #fnaf #fnaf movie #fnaf 2 #sister location #fnaf fanart #five nights at freddy's #what was William Afton cooking #dudes the most divorced man ever I swear #sorry to Michael Afton again for your trauma #that’s rough buddy #Tbh I just really wanted to draw Ballora and Toy Chica #ballora is actually one of my favourite animatronics ever #gotta draw these two again sometime

[jedi-starbird]

'Desert hermit Ben Kenobi develops a reputation as a crazy wizard because he keeps talking to thin air.'

No. This is Tatooine, talking to yourself is hardly the weirdest thing they've seen. Ben Kenobi, however, keeps having full on fucking screaming rows with thin air and seemingly gets replies back, which is decidedly a step up.

(They've managed to piece together that a major point of contention is the acquisition and raising of a child? Clearly Ben is a wizard that had a bitter divorce with a desert spirit and is working through a custody dispute)

#i fully believe the first 3 years after qui gon manifests himself is screaming matches between the two its cathartic or something #tatooine residents watching ben have a seemingly coherent arguement with nothing #but sometimes they swear the wind moves the sand to form the shadow of a very tall man next to ben #tatooine residents very invested into the one-sided family drama theyre hearing about #obi wan kenobi #qui gon jinn #star wars