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lifestyleofemily · 3 years

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12/26/20

Why I ghosted you

It didn’t just happen out of nowhere but more like a lot of things added up to this. I still remember the moment we became friends. At that time I didn’t really have a good relationship with my family so friends were the most important people in my life. You included. You were one of the few friends back then who showered me with love, understanding and support. You were an easy-going person. You didn’t think much when you talked so everything you said was of no malice. I always had a lot of fun with you because you didn’t care what others thought of you. You never judged me for anything I did. You were always there for me. When I had a fight with my mom and refused to eat you would bring me food so that I wouldn’t go hungry. You would always tell me that I could move in with you if anything ever happened. I loved you for all that. It may sound childish but I always wanted you to see me as your best friend. I wanted to be most important person for you after your family. I wanted to be the person you could confide in if anything were to ever happen. I was obsessed over the title of a ‘best friend’ I mean I was only 13 at that time who can blame me right? It meant that I was of the same importance as you were to me. However, In all those years I could never become your best friend. Back then I couldn’t become your bf because you already had one when we first met. After you and your best friend drifted apart you chose someone else to fill that spot. I admit I acted like I didn’t care about who it’s gonna be but I was actually hurt when the person you chose wasn’t me but someone else. Someone you met after me. I know it doesn’t matter how long you know someone but how deep your relationship with the other is. The reason I was hurt was because I felt betrayed, you would always say that I was the most important person in your life and so on but you would never put an actual label on it. It’s just a title but it still hurts when you’re an insecure 13 year old teenager who needs confirmation about her importance in someone else’s life. I think that was the beginning when everything slowly changed.

I chose to pretend that everything is fine. Maybe it’s because you were the first person I held so dear to me. Whenever I met someone knew I would always introduce them to you because I wanted you to be part of my life. I wanted my friends to be your friends. I wanted us to be happy together and sad together. I was happy you always got along with all the People I introduced you to. I was also sad when every single one of them told me they enjoyed your company more than mine. I was scared they would take you away from me. If they did I would be alone again. I never told you to stop getting closer to them because I didn’t want to sound obsessive I also didn’t want to put too much pressure one you. That’s why I tried very hard to be a fun and outgoing person just like you. But it was never enough. Thinking about it now it sounds toxic. I sound toxic. I was way too obsessed with you I know that. It’s like when you start showing kindness to a child that was never loved. They will think of you as a hero. That was the same for me. My parents divorced when I was a still a toddler. I was raised by my uncle and his family till I was 5. I started living with my mom and her new husband when I was 6. At first I was over the moon I mean I could finally live with my mom who I havent seen since I was a toddler. You know my mom she’s not the kind of person to show affection or love. She’s strict to the core and has high expectations for her kids. Anyone who met my mom was afraid of her. My childhood was painful but because I had you who would always make me laugh I still enjoyed life. There were many times when I thought of taking my own life but I was too scared of the pain. More than the pain I was more scared of leaving my friends behind. Especially you. Not my family but you. Dying is easy for the one that’s dead because once they are dead they will no longer feel any pain. However, People who are left behind have to deal with the pain and aftermath. People always say people who commit suicide are weak. They are too weak to keep on living. But what if living on is more painful to them than dying. Why should they continue to suffer just to make others happy? It take courage to take your own life. I was in pain but I didn’t have the courage to take my own life.

Remember when you started Uni and started hanging out with all those new people and totally forgot about me? Rmb when I gave you my spare phone because you lost yours? Rmb when you were super active on Facebook but ignored my text for days? It wasn’t even texts but just one text one question. It wasn’t a big thing for you but it was for me. I was hurt. I felt like I’m gonna lose you. I even asked you if you wanted to end this friendship. Years went by and things kept happening. Things like you making promises and breaking them afterwards. You knew I take promises seriously but still made and didn’t keep them. I still acted like I didn’t care because I didn’t want you to feel bad about it I didn’t want you to force yourself to keep your promises because of me. I wanted you to keep them because you wanted to not because you had to. I’d rather you didn’t make those promises in the first place. That way I wouldn’t have gotten my hopes up just to have them crushed again. One of those promises was that you would always be there for me. That friendship to you is more important than love. I know what people say and do are two different matters but I was so sure that friendship was really more important to you than love. I guess I was wrong. Because as soon as you got your first boyfriend our friendship was no longer the same.

You liked him and you knew he also kinda liked you but you weren’t dating yet. I was rooting for you, happy for you because you were so incredibly happy just being with him. It was your birthday I had to work but we were planning on meeting afterwards. I was looking forward seeing you again because we haven’t seen each other in a long time because you were busy with Uni, dancing and life in general. You made me wait for an hour.... you didn’t text or call to tell me you would be coming late. And when you arrived you were with him. You told me he suddenly asked you out and bought you new shoes. I was mad. Not because you were late but because you didnt even call to tell me you were gonna be late and because you were out with him even though we had plans. If you would have called I would have Gone home and we could have met another time. You could have spend the day with him. Instead you came an hour late and with him in your back. I knew you wanted to spend more time together. I gave you your present and went home. That was when I realized that you’re gonna break another promise again. Love was more important than friendship to you. That’s why I stopped taking your promises serious. Whenever you would promise me sth I would just laugh it off because I knew you’re not gonna keep them. It’s not your fault. We were young and you were carefree to begin with. That’s what I liked about you. But because of your carelessness you never really realised the weight of your words or the impact they would have. I couldn’t even be mad anymore because that’s just who you were. That’s when I started distancing myself from you. It helped when you and him finally started dating and you didn’t have time for anything else anyway. Your world started revolving only around him. I mean I know it’s also because he was a control freak and you weren’t allowed to go anywhere w/o him or do anything w/o asking for permission. Still you let yourself be controlled. I started hanging out with others more and also worked a lot more because just being home was exhausting. Maybe that’s also one of the reasons why it was so much easier for me to leave everything behind and travel to Australia for a year. Nothing was really holding me back. We didn’t talk much when I was there. We started talking again when you broke things off with him and when you were in the US for an exchange. When I came back and you told me that you were pretending to be in the US for an exchange but weren’t actually there the whole time but instead hid somewhere else at some guys place because you couldn’t afford the exchange I was hurt again. You said you didn’t want to tell me because you didn’t want to disappoint me. But do you know what disappointed me more? Your fear of seeing me disappointed rather than the trust that I would or could have supported and helped you in your difficult time. Do you know how much of a useless friend I felt when you told me that? How much I blamed myself because I couldn’t help you in your time of need? It was a shitty feeling.

.....

#diary #thoughts #life

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untitledacrylic · 4 years

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PSYCH UNDATED POST HAHAH

You fools thought you could catch me in CONSISTENCY? HA. never

Been a little while! I’ll spice it up today by talking about positive things. Obviously I’m gonna throw in negative ones but like, small change of pace.

To bring everyone up to speed on the Ev situation. We are talking again, with an odd amount of trust and intimacy for someone I will refuse to consider more than a toy for me to play with. Ok it’s not really that but like I’m continuing my pattern of not allowing myself to develop any feelings out of self protection. Sowwy I know it’s bad uwu. But why feel pain when you can feel nothing(⌐ ͡■ ͜ʖ ͡■)

The homies have been cool lately. I don’t mention anyone but romantic interests by name but ive been hanging out w a recently (ish) reconnected friend. We didn’t talk for 10 months of 2019 and now after 9 months of being friends again she’s kind of like, repenting and apologizing pretty heavily for that. When I happened I was super pissed. Definitely felt really used and lied to and like she wasn’t being a good friend at the time, she was really into being “inclusive” even when the group she put together was composed of people who didn’t like each other. Anyway, my point is that I’d like to be able to reciprocate the sentiments and talk about what happened but I don’t care about it literally at all anymore. I’ve basically smoked away what I was upset about and after just having like over a year of medical problems I dont have the capacity to give a fuck I’m so fucking unbothered by things that I should be engaging in? Ugh this paragraph has gotten so long. End

Hhhhhgg I said I had good things what are the good things

Oh yes, so prior to writing this I was re reading posts because someone last night mentioned the pronouns in my bio, subsequently dropping the fact that they read my blog🥴 which honestly, incredible. Very glad I never have to verbally express feelings in front of another person I literally vomited after having a DREAM where I had feelings (also because I didn’t eat but it’s fine I have now eaten) SO ANYWAY RHE GOOD THINGS???

1. Definitely complained a lot about feeling unappreciated and I now feel significantly more appreciated (maybe if I complain about someone always leaving their trash in my room they’ll start throwing it away)

2. I feel less unhappy. I’m not happy, but I not as actively disdainful and I do attribute that SOLELY to leaving my house and spending time with friends for like 12 hours a day

3. I’m making this post at 2pm instead of my usual 3am Sad Whore Novella (speaks volumes)

4. Skinnier! Noticeable to me finally

5. Pool every day = less acne BUT harder to be goth when you no longer look white

Eh enough happiness I’ve moved on OH FUCK WAIT LAST ONE, might get to go meet Evs cat today 😌 very excited. Actually he texted me while I’m writing this but if I don’t finish the post I’ll forget every thought in my head

Shit dick and balls now that I said no more happy I keep thinking of shit

Got to smoke GOOD ass weed w a friend, that shit had us fucking spitting on the concrete having to swallow hits

Gonna go to the beach Tuesday w the same repenting friend, her bf, and Ev (omg double date guys) I WILL be getting bodied by waves and gling tits out

Will be going to arkansas w same friend for a week soon also, I hope we don’t get sick of each other before then but so far we’ve been doing really well (as in we can comfortably sit in silence and it’s not weird; I can also hang w her fam and it’s chill which is so nice)

God damn I do this every time. I go to make a post, ONE PHONE SCREEJ LENGTH and then write a novella.

I’ll go, I’ll say more things later maybe. If you’re lucky ;)

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