#the other day i was talking to my mom like 'yeah so ive been walking down alleys while walking the dogs lately'

[bbrissonn]

𝐋𝐚𝐜𝐲 - 𝐂𝐨𝐥𝐞 𝐂𝐚𝐮𝐟𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐝

in which even if you've been there the longest, you'll always be second to her

disclaimer: english is not my first language and this is not proofread so please excuse any errors and if any words are missing add them in your head :) also this is a work of fiction, this doesn’t reflect how these boys act in real life, and it isn’t how i imagine them acting 

warnings: angst, swearing , not proofread  

pairing: cole caufield x reader

wc: 5.4k (including lyrics)

a/n: the end is complete shit, but i really wanted to be done with this fic cause ive been working on it for like a month now so yeah sorry about that

guts masterlist

Lacy, oh, Lacy, skin like puff pastry

Aren’t you the sweetest thing on this side of Hell?

Dear angel Lacy, eyes white as daisies

Did I ever tell you that I’m not doin’ well?

Ever since you could remembered it had always been you and Cole, the first picture taken of you two was the day of your birth, two days after Cole’s. Your dads meet at work, and quickly became best friends, and so did your moms when they met. When they all found out they got pregant around the same time, they were over the moon, already knowing their kids would be best friends. 

And they were right. The two of you spent everyday together, your moms always taking walks with the two of you when you were still babies. When you became toddlers, playdates happened almost every evening when you’d get back from daycare. Cole was by your side when the two of you started kindergarten, graduated elementary school, started middle school, graduated middle school, and when you started high school. You were there for each other through it all. 

You went to Cole’s games every weekends and week nights, even going away for a tournament with him and his family during spring break of 8th grade. It was like your two families became one the day you were born, something neither of your parents minded. The longest period of time you were apart was maybe five days when you went to visit your grandparents out of town in 9th grade. 

Of course, that all changed when Cole made the NTDP team, meaning he would have to move to Michigan for the whole season. You were happy for him, obviously, but the fact that you’d be losing your best friend pained you. The two of you promised to talk everyday, but of course things always got in the way with his busy schedule and you started to work a part time job. 

Eventually, your daily phone calls turned into weekly phone calls, and then every two weeks, and eventually you wouldn’t hear from him for a whole months some times. It hurt, of course it did, you always saw his snapchat stories of him and his new friends having fun, messing around, and he couldn’t even find the time to send you simple text. 

You didn’t really understand where his sudden lack of communication came from, but it all quickly made sense when you found out from his brother that he had gotten a girlfriend, one that clearly wasn’t comfortable with how close the two of you were. You had cried in Brock’s arms that night, Cole couldn’t even bother to tell you himself about this, instead finding out from Brock when he was in town for a game. 

When your mom told you Cole would be coming home the next week, your reaction confused her. You didn’t show any signs of happiness at the thought of being reunited with your best friend, instead just shrugging and mumbling a small okay. Later that night, your mom called yours, and she was as surprised as your mom about your reaction, neither you or Cole had mention about a falling out, and the two of you barely ever argued.

Cole’s mom questioned him when he came home, asking if anything had happened between the two of you, the boy quick to answer with a simple no. He hadn’t asked to stop by your house before going home, something he always did when he’d come back from an away tournament, something she found really odd.

When your parents mentioned going to the Caufield’s house that night for dinner, you lied and said you had work. Your parents questioned you about it, you hadn’t mentioned having a shift that night, so you lied again, saying you had to cover for someone else’s shift. They didn’t believe you, at all, but clearly going to see Cole wasn’t something you wanted to do, so they didn’t push it. 

You didn’t hear from him the whole summer, but to be fair, you hadn’t reached out to him either. It was like he became a total stranger in the last year, slowly slipping away from you, and he did nothing to stop it.

But that all changed the day before he left to go back to Michigan. You had woken up that morning with a text from him, asking to meet up at your usual spot at 11. You accepted, of course you did, all you’ve wanted since the boy left the previous year was to see him again. 

You were sitting in the same booth the two of you always sat, watching your phone as the seconds ticked by. Then, 20 seconds before the clock hit 11, he walked in. His skin was tan, his hair a little longer than usually, the only thing that hadn’t changed was his height. 

“Hey.” He spoke softly as he sat down in front of you. Your eyes were piercing through his as your mouth stayed closed. “It’s nice to see you.” He added once he realized you were not going to great him back. His words made you nod a bit as your eyes stayed focused on him. He looked so different, but he still looked like your Cole, the one you spent every second of every day with for sixteen years. 

“Mhm.” 

“I wasn’t sure you were gonna answer me, honestly.” He admitted, even the way he talked had changed. You finally looked away from him, and instead down at the menu. He knew you were doing it simply because you didn’t want to look at him, the two of you had gotten the same thing here ever since the first time you came after one of his hockey game. 

“Wasn’t sure I was ever gonna hear from you, honestly.” You mocked him a little. The boy in front of you sighed as he looked down at the menu as well. 

“I am sorry.” Was all he could say, making you scoff before looking back up at him. His head was straight, but his eyes were still staring at the menu. 

“Fuck you, Cole. I haven’t heard from you in almost nine months and all you have to say is I am sorry?” 

“I know, I know. I fucked up, okay? Trust me, I know. And I am so sorry, Y/N/N, it’s just Bella… She wasn’t comfortable with how close we were.” 

“So you decided to pretty much just end our seventeen years of friends for some girl you just met? Thanks, Cole, that just makes me feel so much better, truly.” You spoke, your voice laced with sarcasm. 

“I didn’t end our friendship-” 

“Oh, then what was it? ‘Cause last time I checked, you just decided to not answer me anymore, without giving me any type of explanation. For fuck’s sake, I had to find out from Brock that you had a girlfriend. I though we promised we’d always tell each other everything! You could’ve just told me how she felt and I would’ve backed off instead of just cutting me off like that. How do you think I’ve been feeling since you left? Have you ever thought about that?” You said, making him go speechless. Luckily for him, a waitress came and took your order. Cole started, going with his usual, but his eyes quickly focused on you when he heard you select something else off the menu. 

“You changed your order?” 

“Yeah, you’d know if you hadn’t cut me off.” You sassed, making the boy sigh slightly before looking down at his lap. 

“Y/N/N…” The boy sighed, his eyes looking back up at you. “I’m sorry, I really am. I shouldn't'… I shouldn’t have pushed you away, and I am sorry I hurt you.” 

“You should be. I had to find out from Brock if you were even still aliv. Have you even thought about how I’ve been feeling? First, you leave, promising we’ll talk everyday, and then you cut me off like we haven’t been friends since we were literally born.” You said, tears starting to form in your eyes, but you quickly blinked them away. You had already cried enough because of you. 

“I know, I know. I am so sorry, Y/N/N. Let me make it up to you, please.” He begged, and you could tell he was being honest. Nothing about his body language was showing you that he was telling you the truth, you just knew. You always knew. 

“Promise me, when you leave again, you won’t do the same thing. Promise me, Cole.” It was now your turn to beg. You wanted nothing more in the world than to get your friendship back, but you did not want to get hurt again. You refused to get hurt again. 

“I promise. I promise, Y/N.” He whispered, his eyes staring right into yours. You nodded slightly, sniffling a little, and the two of you sat in silence until your meal arrived. You slowly started catching up, Cole telling you about his new life in Michigan, while you updated him on all the drama from your high school. When the topic of his girlfriend came up, you stiffened slightly. You knew she was reason he had stopped talking to you, and you knew they were still together since you saw them not long ago. You only wondered if she knew he was here with you. 

“Her name’s Alana, I really think you’d love her. She reminded me a lot about you at first, I think that’s why I was so drawn to her.” He explained, a smile you had never seen before plastered on his face. Those words were exactly the ones you didn’t want to hear. He hadn’t just pushed you aside, he replaced you. He found someone to fill the gap in his life that was missing. 

“Your mom talks about her sometimes, she seems great.” You said, forcing a smile onto your face. The truth was, from what you had heard from Kelly, she was nothing like you. Not only physically, but also in the way she behaved. She seemed a lot more outgoing and high-energized, just like Cole. 

They were a great match, you thought. Perfect for each other. But then, the conversation you over heard your mom having the night before while you were in the kitchen and she was in the living room replayed in your mind. Kelly claiming something felt off about his girlfriend, sometimes giving the family weird looks while she was at their house. In the moment, you didn’t think much about it, but now it kept playing in your head. Cole loved his family so much, they held a very special and important place in his heart, so would he be okay with his girlfriend not getting along with them? 

You wanted to ask him, you really did, but you knew you shouldn’t. Questions about how you knew that information would be asked, and having to explain that you just overheard a silly little conversation your moms had on speaker phone would be weird to explain. So, you stayed quiet. 

Ooh, I care, I care, I care

Like perfume that you wear, I linger all the time

Watching, hidden in plain sight

And ooh, I try, I try, I try

But it takes over my life, I see you everywhere

The sweetest torture one could bear

When Cole left for Michigan again, your friendship was almost what it used to be. There were multiple things that hadn’t picked up again, like your weekly movies night cuddling on the couch in his basement. He has a girlfriend, he can’t just cuddle with a girl now, you had to remind yourself every time you’d think about it. 

It felt weird, like the guy in front of you wasn’t the one you grew up with, like he was replaced by some stranger. But it was him, it was Cole’s eyes staring back at you, not some stranger’s, his smile lighting up the whole room, his voice echoing in the house. It was Cole, just not your Cole. 

Thankfully, he had kept his promise of keeping contact with you, face timing you once a week, and texting you everyday. But it was all so different. He was always busy, either with hockey, or hanging out with Alana, and when he wasn’t busy, he was sleeping. It was hard, but it all changed when he came home from the holidays, alone.

Your families shared a Christmas evening, giving each other gifts, talking during dinner around the table and in front of the fireplace. Festive songs were playing the whole time, the volume so low you couldn’t hear it if multiple conversations were taking place. Eventually, you ended up in Cole’s room, laying on his bed as he sat on his desk chair. 

“I have somethin’ for you.” He mumbled, sitting up and walking over to his closet. He pulled out a letter, your nickname written messily on the front of it. “Wrote it when we were, I don’t know, seven maybe. Found it when I came back last summer, thought it’d be a good time to give it to you.” He explained, handing you the envelope. 

“You had a horrible handwriting when we were young, there’s no way I can read a whole letter of this.” You joked, pointing at the messy letters that spelt your name. 

“Shut up and read the damn thing, Y/N/N.” He whispered, his cheeks turning a little red front your teasing. He was now next to you, sitting next to you as you pushed yourself up. You carefully opened it, pulling the letter out carefully. 

Dear Y/N/N,

I donot kno when you will read tis but I want to tel you that you are my favorite person ever. You are a great bestfriend and I hope you will be in my lyfe for a long time. I realy enjoi when you come to my gamez, I play a lot bedder when you are tere. I think you are very prety two Jacob talk about it all the time. I wish when you read this we are stil bestfriend becoze I love you so moch. 

Cole :)

You couldn’t help but laugh at the spelling mistake he had made, Cole was probably the worst kid in your class at spelling, while you were one of the best. You felt your heart warm up at the thought of seven year old Cole writing this, the sweet smile of his on his face as he messily wrote. 

Cole was reading the letter over your shoulder, he hadn’t opened the envelope when he found it, wanting you to read it before him. His cheeks redden a bit again as he read the second to last sentence, coughing a bit as he looked away. 

“That’s real sweet, Coley.” You whispered, looking over at him with a soft smile once you were done reading the letter. “Your spelling wasn’t cute, but you know, you learned.” 

“Okay, considering I was seven, I think I did pretty good.” 

“You did, you did.” You mumbled as you wrapped your arms around him, his going to your waist as the two of you sat there for a couple of minutes, holding each other close. Well, that was until you were interrupted by the sound of his phone ringing, Alana’s contact popping up the screen. 

“Sorry.” He said, picking up his phone and leaving the room. You couldn’t help the heartache you felt as he left you for her, once again. It wasn’t right, you shouldn’t be feeling so jealous towards her for having his attention, but you were. You had been feeling this way ever since he left for Michigan, you didn’t understand it at first, but now it was all so clear to you. 

You loved Cole the way he love Alana.

Smart, sexy Lacy, I’m losin’ it lately

I feel your compliments like bullets on my skin

Dazzling starlet, Bardot reincarnate

Well, aren’t you the greatest thing to ever exist?

The next summer, right before the draft, you finally met Alana. Her hair sat perfectly, her outfit hugging her perfect body as the two arrived at the restaurant. Your parents decided to have a night out to celebrate the two of you finishing high school, and of course since Alana was in town, she was invited. 

You were sitting next to Brock, Cole in front of his brother and Alana in front of you. Your parents were in their own little worlds, your moms gossiping about who knows what, and your dads talking about sports like always. 

“You look really pretty.” Alana said after a couple of minutes of the two of you being quiet and listening to the brothers. You were previously focused on the two, but your eyes quickly moved over to her when you heard her voice. It was so sweet, like an angel had just talked. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Cole look over at her briefly, a grin appearing on his face. 

You knew she was trying to be nice, befriend you since you were such an important part of her boyfriend’s life. Yet her words made a bullet shaped hole form in your heart. A year ago she had pretty much forced Cole to leave you behind and forget you even existed, and here she was, trying to be all friendly and nice to you. 

“You too.” You mumbled, thankfully the server arrived at the same time, taking your orders meaning your conversation witht he girl wouldn’t continue any longer. 

“So, Alana, where are you going to college next year?” Your mom asked once all your plates had arrived and you all started eating. 

“Wisconsin.” She answered with a smile, smiling shortly at Cole before looking over to your mom. Great. Now you’d be stuck having to see them together every single day next year. Fucking amazing. 

In the car ride home, the only thing your mom was capable of talking about was how amazing Alana was. Alana this, Alana that. You were so fucking tired of hearing everyone talk about this girl all the time. You tried to block out her words until your name was mentioned. 

“Honestly, Y/N, I always thought you and Cole were going to end up dating one day, but this Alana girl, god, she’s perfect for him!” She exclaimed, unaware of your burning crush for the youngest Caufield siblings. That was the last thing you needed to hear your own mother say. When you finally arrived home, you were quick to make your way to your room, locking the door and going to sleep. 

The next morning you woke up to a couple of texts from both boys, but mainly from Brock, asking if you were okay and why you hadn’t answered either of them. Normally, whenever you wouldn’t text the siblings after telling them you would, Cole would text for hours, spamming you letters just so you would answer. One time, he almost came over to your house at midnight after you hadn’t text him for ten hours. 

This time it was different thought. Cole had only left two messages, compared to the hundreds he used to send. 

Hey you get home okay?

Are you alright? 

That was it. No, do I need to come over? Did something happen? Is everyone okay? Answer me please. Nothing. Not even a good night, granted you didn’t text him that either, but it all just felt so weird. It was like your friendship was back, but with an obstacle that made it impossible for the two of you to go back to how your friendship was before he left for Michigan. The obstacle being Alana, of course.

You eventually texted them, telling the both of them that you had fallen asleep almost as soon as you got home and forgot to text them. Brock answered you almost immediately, while Cole didn’t answer you until later that night. You found out during the afternoon that him and Alana were spending the day together, just them, meaning all Cole was focused on was her. Not you, her.

Ooh, I care, I care, I care

Like ribbons in your hair, my stomach’s all in knots

You got the one thing that I want

Ooh, I try, I try, I try

Try to rationalize, people are people

But it’s like you’re made of angel dust

You never thought of yourself has a greedy person, well that was until Alana, of course. You hated her. You had been in Cole’s life since the beginning, literally, you were there for him through every step of his career, whether that be his first game to away tournaments. You were there for all of it. Until you weren’t. 

You weren’t the first person he hugged after his game anymore, and you sure as hell weren’t the first he hugged when he got drafted by Montreal. You weren’t even in Vancouver, the boy completely forgetting to ask for a ticket for you. So, here you were, on your couch watching as Cole smiled brightly into the camera, the habs jersey engulfing him. 

You knew it was rubbish, he shouldn’t have gotten picked at the fifteenth spot. He was so much better than many guys that got drafted before him, but you knew deep down why the teams had chosen them over him. He was too small. Guys before him were almost all at least half a foot taller than him, stronger than him, of course general managers and scouts would look at them before him. But if going fifteenth meant getting drafted by the Canadians, then you were fine with it. 

When you were kids, the Caufield siblings would always talk about one day being the coach of the Canadians, even going as far as taking French classes in high school. Back then, you would all just laugh about it, but now here he was, getting drafted by them. You couldn’t remember the last time you had felt so proud of him, this moment not even coming close to when he told you he made the NTDP squad. 

Tears formed in your eyes as you watched your lifelong best friend, who felt like home and a completely stranger at the same time, accomplish his dream. Yet your heart ached as the camera showed his family, Brock and Alana sharing a hug as they all cheered for him. That should’ve been your spot. 

You had been there for everything, and suddenly this girl just shows up and takes your spot? It made you angry, so angry. She had everything you wanted, she had the one boy you ever wanted. Knowing you’d have to be on the same campus as them next year only making it hurt so much more. You’d be stuck seeing her be with him every single day. See her enjoy having the one thing you’ve ever truly wanted. 

You hated yourself for not realizing your feelings for the boy sooner, maybe if you had you’d be the one wearing his new jersey at the moment. Instead, you’re laying on your bed, Brock on the other line of the phone since Cole was apparently too busy to answer you. 

“It was weird.” The oldest sibling stated, making you fur your brows slightly. 

“What do you mean?” You questioned. 

“Not having you there. It was so peaceful, I loved it.” The boy joked making you roll your eyes as a grin grew on your face. Brock laughed, clearly proud of the very sad joke he had made. 

“It was so obvious I wasn’t there. I would’ve never let you walk out the hotel room with that suit.” You teased, making the boy gasp a bit. 

“Was it really that bad?” He whispered after a couple of seconds making you giggle a bit. 

“No. You looked great.” 

“I am serious though, Y/N/N. It was weird not having you there. I know Cole will never admit it, but he regrets not inviting you, you know.” The boy told you, his tone going from a light one to a very serious one. 

“Is it bad if I say I am not that mad I am not there?” You mumbled after a short period of silence. Your words confused the boy on the other end of the line. 

“What? But you and Cole have been talking about this for years. He should’ve invited you.” Brock stated, getting a little worked up at the end. “You’re more family than she is.”

“She’s more important to Cole than me. She’s his best friend now, not me.” You told the boy. You had been thinking about it for a while, but saying the words out loud hurt so much more than you though it would. 

“He’s being stupid. He remembered to invite some of our cousins we haven’t seen since we were babies, but forgot you? He’s so fucking stupid.” 

“She doesn’t want me there. She thinks of me as like… an obstacle, I guess. I was getting in the way of her relationship with him at the beginning, she asked him to stop talking to me and he did. I wouldn’t be surprised if she asked him not to invite me and he agreed.” 

“Do you? Get in the way?” You knew he wasn’t asking it in a rude way. He just wanted to know if you had done something to make her act that way about you. 

“No. At least I don’t think so. But if Cole would’ve told me before they started dating that he was seeing, I probably would’ve became one on purpose.” You admitted into the phone, leaving Brock a little shock. 

“You love him?” 

“Yeah. I hate her for taking him away from him, but she makes him so happy. She makes him happy, not me.” You cried out, tears starting to form in the brim of your eyes. 

“Does he know?” The boy asked. You scoffed loudly, blinking the tears away before they fell on your cheeks. 

“Of course not.” 

“Are you gonna tell him?” 

“And give her a reason to actually think of me as an obstacle and possible lose my friendship with Cole? Absolutely not.” 

Oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh, oh

The first month of college surprisingly went quite smoothly, you barely ever ran into Cole and Alana. But that all changed when the first game of the season approached, Brock asking you to be there of course. Being so close with Cole meant you had also always been there for Brock’s big moments in the show. You were for his first USHL and College game, having to skip a little school sometimes. But now you had no excuse not to come. 

So, here you were in the stands of the Khol centre, your friends standing next to you as the crowd cheered the Badgers on. Alana was sitting a couple of rows in front, sitting with the friends she had made over the last month and a half. You couldn’t help the jealously you felt every time your eyes landed on her, a Wisconsin jersey hiding her frame, C. Caufield written on the back. 

Your feeling only grew stronger when you made your way down to where Brock had told you to wait, which was of course where Cole told Alana to wait for him. The two brothers came out at the same time, the girl next to you letting out a squeal when her eyes landed on Cole. 

“You were amazing, babe!” She exclaimed as she threw her arms around him. Thankfully, the eldest sibling came in front of you, hiding the couple from your line of sight. 

“Thank you for coming, munch.” He mumbled, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and bringing you into his chest. He didn’t use that nickname often, only during moments where he was really thankful to have you there. 

Your friendship with Brock was one you held so close to your heart, he was like the brother you never had, and you were the sister you never had. You could always talk to him about anything, whether that be something stupid you did, or just wanting to gossip. He had helped you with your nerves on your first day of high school, giving you a tour of the place himself before class started. He was one of your favourite person ever. 

Another reason why you were so scared of telling Cole how you felt about him. What if that meant losing Brock as well, and their parents. You didn’t know how you’d survive without him in your life, he was somehow always right there when you needed someone, becoming more of a comfort person than Cole was. 

“Let’s get out of here, I am hungry.” The boy told you after looking over his shoulder, getting glimpse of his brother and his girlfriend deep in a make-out session. He made sure you didn’t see them, but the sound of their kisses was something he just couldn’t hide from you. 

“They’re disgusting, anyone could see them.” You mumbled as the two of you walked away from the couple, Brock’s arm still around your shoulder. The boy chuckled slightly as he opened the door for you. 

“Be glad you’re not his roommate. Think I might have to invest in earplugs soon.” He joked, making a sour look creep up on your face. 

“You can come crash at mine if you ever need, you know.” You told him. Brock had always been there for you, helping you through though situation, it was always fair for you to return the favour. 

“Got place for an extra tonight?” 

Lacy, oh Lacy, it’s like you’re out to get me

You poison every little thing that I do

Lacy, oh Lacy, I just loath you lately

And I despise my jealous eyes and how hard they fell for you

Yeah, I despise my rotten mind and how much it worships you

As the year went by, your feelings towards Cole’s girlfriend slowly became mixed. You couldn’t help but hate her, but you also envied her so much at the same time. You wanted to be her, you wanted to live her life. Be the most important person in Cole’s life, but most importantly have the boy look at you like you hung the moon. 

But that was never going to happen. You would always be second in Cole’s life from now on, meaning you’d eventually have to move on from this overwhelming crush you had on him. Even if the two of them ever broke up, he’d find another girl to take her spot, a girl that wouldn’t be you either. You were his childhood best friend, and that’s all you were every going to be to him. 

You hated it, but you eventually found yourself trying to become another version of Alana. Picking up on some of her little quirks and manners, something that didn’t go unnoticed by the older Caufield. 

“You’ve been acting weird lately.” Brock stated as the two of you sat on the couch of his shared dorm apartment with Cole. You furred your brows slightly, lifting your head from his chest and looking at up. 

“What? No I am not.” You scoffed, only making the boy next to you sigh. 

“But you are. You switched your coffee order, the order you’ve had for four years. You switched from silver jewlery to gold, you’ve been doing your hair differently, you dress completely the opposite of how you used to. It’s like… it’s like your trying to become Alana.” He mumbled the last part. Now it was your turn to scoff. 

“‘M not.” 

“But you are. Gosh, Y/N/N, you even talked about dying your hair the same colour as hers. Look, if this is how you plan on getting Cole to look at you differently, you need to stop. Becoming someone you’re not isn’t going to help you, it’s only gonna hurt you.” 

“Then what’s gonna help me, Brock?” You asked harshly, fidgeting with your fingers. The boy next to you sighed once again before answering you softly. 

“You need to move on, munch. I know you don’t want to hear this, but Cole loves Alana. I mean yeah, he had like the biggest crush on you when you guys were in third grade, but he moved on, and so should you.” He explained softly. His words hurt, a lot, but you knew they were true. “Why not me? Why her, and not me?”

guts taglist <3 @cixrosie @nhlfs @privatemythss

#bri writes #cole caufield #cole caufield fic #cole caufield imagine #cole caufield x reader #cole caufield blurb #cole caufield fluff #brock caufield #guts series

[gretavangroupie]

Vigilance (Chapter 21 Part 2)

Word count: 20.3k

Pairings: Jake x Reader, Jake x OC

Warnings: Alcohol, Cursing, Dramatic Themes. Angst Including: Talks of Infidelity, Toxic Themes, Arguing, Yelling, Extreme Portrayal of Sadness, Crying, Abandonment, Heartbreak, Talks of Illness, Extreme Illness, Fainting, Hospitalization, Hospital Procedures and Protocols, Mentions of IV, Needles, Talks of Death and Dying. Fluff.

This story is a collaboration with my best pal @gretavanmoon.

JAKE POV

A knock at the door caused your eyes to flutter open from the in and out sleep you’d been in all day. The medicine they were giving you, keeping you constantly fighting off sleep. You were breathing better, but still in an incredible amount of pain, and feeling worthless to boot. You turned your head to look at your mom, who was already standing to open the door. 

As it swung open you saw Y/N, standing in the door, like your own personal angel. Your eyes widened as they focused in on her; wavy hair and red eyes, her favorite sweatshirt that always smells like her. She was upset, that much was obvious. Well, to you at least. 

“Oh sweetie! I am so glad they finally called you!” your mom said, pulling her in for a hug. You watched her wrap her arms around your mom, wishing, praying it could be you instead. 

“Jakey, it’s Y/N. Can you sit up?” your mom asks. 

You press the button on the remote and the bed sits you up, and you're positive that in your entire life you’d never felt more pathetic, as she watched you come to eye level with her. As your eyes met hers, you could see them tearing up. You hated for her to see you like this, but seeing her is the only thing you’ve wanted since you got here, and you weren’t giving it up for anything.

You looked over to your mom, who was gathering her things with a knowing grin, “I know, I know, I’ll give you two some time. I’ll be downstairs if you need me honey.” she said, walking out and closing the door behind her. 

You watched as Y/N pulled a few items out of her bag, and placed them on the counter. It looked like a change of clothes, but it was so far away you couldn’t really tell. You hoped that meant you were getting out of here soon.

She walked over to the side of the bed, sitting on the edge near your feet. “Hi…” her voice rang out like music.

“Hey…” you breathed. “I’ve been asking for you…”

“I know, they wouldn’t let me come up until they got my negative test…” she replies quietly. “You scared me Jake.”

“I know, I know. I was so stupid, I just thought it was a little cold, and that it would just go away, but it didn’t. I was fine, and then… I don’t know, it happened so quick, and then I was here and you were gone…” you stammer.

“I was scared and Sam and Danny were scared, Josh was scared. We had no idea what was going on. The doctors didn’t know what was wrong. I thought you were dying or something and I couldn’t even come see you…” she said, as a single tear slipped from her eye. 

“I was scared too. Scared this was it…I think I almost lost a lung last night.” you admit.

“Jake…” she says, another tear falling. 

“Don’t cry, please…” you beg, “I’m okay now, I think…I’m feeling a little better.” 

She puts her hands over her eyes trying to conceal her tears and sniffles.

“Come here. Come closer to me.” you ask, watching her slowly shift her body closer. 

You lay your hand on her thigh, as her eyes meet yours. “I’m sorry you thought you were going to lose me. I promise I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

She nods, and continues to blink away her tears. 

“I missed you. All I could think about was you.” you admit.

“Jake, you don’t mean that… You shouldn’t– you should be mad at me, hate me, just two days ago you told m–”

“I know, I remember what I said. I do, and I am mad. But I’ve been laying here, just staring at the ceiling, thinking… of all the things I’d rather be doing than laying here. Wishing you were here…” you say.

“You have…” she questions.

“Yeah. Remember, the other night, you told me all the things you miss about me? Well, I have a list too. I’ve always had a list. I should have told you that night. I really should have, but you’re here now. So now I’m going to tell you, because if I don’t, I think I might burst.” you answer, a smirk crossing your face. 

Her eyes search yours, “Jake, no… you need to rest, you shouldn’t even be talking. It can wait…wait until you’re thinking clearly.”

“No. It can’t. Just let me tell you, please.” you ask.

She nods her head as you move your hand higher on her leg, letting your weak hand squeeze into her thigh.

“I miss the way your mouth subconsciously sings along to the songs I’m practicing when it’s late and I’ve been in my study playing all night…songs you’ve learned just from hearing me play them over and over without even a single complaint…I miss laying in bed and arguing over what show to watch, and me finally caving and letting you pick, only for you to fall asleep on my chest five minutes later…the fuckin’ best…” you see a small smile form on her lips, as you continue.

“I miss hearing you hum along to literally any Beatles song in existence while you cook or while you’re cleaning. It’s always the Beatles. You love The Beatles white album the best…I miss your pancakes… god I would kill for those right now…and yeah, I know it hasn’t even been that long, but it feels like years. I hate it…I miss walking around town with you when the weather is pretty, watching you furiously dig around in your purse looking for cash to give to the buskers. I can’t think of one time that you haven’t given money to someone playing music. Always smiling at me and reminding me ‘that was you once’. You’re right, it was, and even then I loved you.” you go on, feeling her hand rest on top of yours. 

“I miss how you get road rage so easily, but immediately apologize after you say it. I miss taking you and seeing how you are always so nice to servers at restaurants even if they mess something up, because they ‘might just be having a bad day’…I love how much you love your parents, shit and mine too. I love how much you love the ocean, and that we both find the same tranquility on the water. But I really miss the look on your face when you’re watching us play, and knowing that I wouldn’t even look at you when I played your song the other night....I can’t take that back. But just know, next time it's for you.” 

You watch a tear fall down her cheek, as you reach up to swipe it away, pushing her hair over her ear. 

“I swear to god I don’t deserve you, Jake.” She mumbled out. 

“Shhh, stop with that shit.” You said, your already shaky breath catching in your throat as you notice the glint of the silver necklace around her neck.

You let your hand glide over it, seeing the side of it being held together by a small piece of black tape.

Oh no.

“You found it…” you breathe.

She nods defeatedly. “I know you told me not to wear it anymore, and I know I shouldn’t but… I can’t. I feel naked without it. I have been trying to not wear it around you but I saw it in my bag today and…I don’t know I just needed to.” she admits, too nervous to look at you.

“I shouldn’t have done that.” you confess.

“The chain was broken when I found it on the floor, but when you left for Michigan I tried to fix it. It was so small and I could hardly see what I was doing. I think I cried out of frustration more than anything. I just wanted to fix it. Fix one thing. I eventually found some electrical tape in your desk drawer and decided it would have to make due.” she says.

Oh my god, what did you do?

A new pain had crept into your chest but not from your sickness. She was hurting, you knew that. But you had been cruel. Mean just to be mean. You ripped it off of her neck…

“I’m so sorry.” was all you could manage. 

“I deserve everything you’ve said and done.” she whispered standing up and walking away from you to look out the window. 

“You think you can bust me out of here?” you ask, trying to lighten the dreadful mood.

She smiled a little, and shook her head. “No, I think you need to stay. Get better. I brought you some clean clothes though..” she said pointing to the counter. 

“Thank you, though I am enjoying this hospital gown. Very breathable. Might start wearing them for shows.” you smile.

Finally a genuine smile crossed her lips, the most beautiful thing you’d seen in days.

“Come here.” you asked, reaching your hand toward her.

She sat in the chair next to your bed, and placed her elbows on the edge of the bed.

“Why did you want me to come so bad Jake? Why were you asking for me? We aren’t…I thought…” she asks.

You paused, turning on your side to look at her for just a second before you answered. 

“Because…even after everything…You make me feel safe. You feel like home. You are home.” 

A knock at the door startles you both, ripping you away from the moment.

Carson comes in with her laptop cart, ready to do her check of your vitals.

“Oh my gosh! You must be the girlfriend! He has been talking about you all night!” she says.

Damn Carson, give me up why don’t you…

“Oh. No… we aren’t together…” she says, letting her face fall.

You immediately grab her hand and lace your fingers with hers giving her hand a tight squeeze.

“Well, he gave us quite the scare last night!” she says, as Y/N stares off into space.

“Wait, Y/N? You… you were in Sam’s class right?” she asks, catching Y/N’s attention.

“Yeah! Yes, sorry!” she says, refocusing on her. 

“I know we didn’t talk much but I remember you. You and Sam were best friends! I remember you two watching me kick Jake’s ass on the practice fields.” she laughs, tapping on the monitors to check your levels.

“Oh yeah, I guess I do remember that. It’s nice to see you again.” she smiles, pulling her hand from yours. 

“You’re looking good Jake. You’re looking really good. Drastic improvement since my last round. She must be your lucky charm.” she smiles, “You might even get out of here tomorrow if you keep it up.”

“She is.” you smile, looking over at Y/N, who has blushed a deep red. 

“I’ll be back tonight. Keep resting!” she says, letting the door close behind her.

You recline the bed back a bit, letting out a deep breath as the pressure dissipates from your chest. 

“Maybe you should stay laying down. I want you to rest so you can get out of here like she said.” she says, putting her elbows back on the bed. 

“I will… but, I don’t want you to leave yet.” you admit.

“I know, but Josh is here. Do you want to see him?” she asks.

God, Josh…

“Yeah, I need to. But just stay for a few more minutes…please?” you ask.

She nods her head and settles back into the stiff hospital chair, as you turn to your side to face her. 

“I do think you’re my lucky charm you know…” you say.

“I guess I just don’t feel very lucky.” she says. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You ask. 

She took a breath and rested her chin in her hands. “I don’t know, it feels like I’m more like your bad luck charm. So much has happened since I’ve been around, I’ve caused you a lot of unnecessary pain, Jake. And I take responsibility for that.” 

You thought about that for a minute. It wasn’t completely untrue, she had issued you some heartbreak. But knowing what you know now, about everything that happened in Vegas…your intentions with Elle, you felt pretty shitty. And she didn’t even know the extent of it. It was eating you alive not telling her the truth, especially after everything that just happened. But you couldn’t find the right time, she deserved to learn about that when everyone’s worlds weren’t so hectic from you being in this godforsaken hospital. 

“You deserve the world, Jake. And all I’ve done is rip it out from underneath you time and time again. And I’m feeling really horrible about it. Like a really bad human. I’m…working on it. I’m working on myself. I’ve realized some things lately, and I have you to thank for that. I need to grow up a bit, take responsibility for my actions and make better choices.” 

She reached and grabbed for your hand, squeezing it tightly as you took in her words. “Listen, I want you and me to work. I want us to really work out. Okay? Do you get what I’m saying? I know we’re not together at this point, but. I want to make myself the person you need again. Someone you deserve to be with. And to make that happen, I know I’ve got some shit to work on. I’ve got some baggage to unload. I’ve got to get my shit together, Jake. For you. And for me. I know it’s going to take a while, and I know you’ve been saying all these sweet things, but I’m aware of my faults that you don’t need to patch up. I’ve got to. They’re my burden. And it’s time for me to learn how to take care of you now.” 

Wow, what in the world… who is this woman?

You nodded slowly, unable to form a response. Honestly, how do you respond to that? 

“So, I’ve decided since you’re on the mend now and in better than wonderful hands, I’m gonna head back to Nashville since the next few shows are canceled…I hope that last part isn’t news to you…” she said, standing up from the chair. 

“Nah, I figured as much. Fucking pisses me off, I hate cancelling shows more than anything. But, why are you leaving? Why are you going back? We’re all here..” you said. 

“You don’t need me, Jake. Everyone’s going to go home when you’re better, I don’t need to do my job while you’re home with your family.” She went on. 

“Hey listen, Y/N. I know I’ve been so shitty toward you lately. And…I honestly hate myself for it. But I don’t want you to think you’re just an employee to us…did you not, read my text? You are my family, always will be.” You said, sitting up a bit in the bed. 

“Go stay at my parents house. Stay in Michigan, please? Don’t leave…” you reached your hand out for her to grab. She glanced at it, taking it slowly in hers. “You’re not my bad luck charm. You’ve brought me some of the greatest gifts I’ve ever known. I don’t want to be without you when I finally break out of here…okay? Please?” She nodded again, wiping a tear from her cheek. You didn’t want to bring up the fact that Andy was still on the loose, too, and she needed to be with people who could protect her, if need be. 

“Okay. Okay, I’ll go stay with them, if that’s what you want.” she whispered. 

“I do…” you said, giving her a look that said a million words. 

Just then there were three knocks on the door, and Josh was peeking his head inside. “Hey guys…”

You felt her squeeze your hand and look to you with excitement. She was overjoyed you finally got to see your brother now. 

“I’ll see you later…” she said, pulling away. You squeezed her hand harder. 

“Hey, Y/N…” you muttered. She turned back, eyes questioning. “Take care of our family while I’m in here.” 

She smiled wide with her eyes. “I promise.”

You watched as she passed Josh on her walk out, taking him in her arms into a big bear hug. “So good to see you up and at ‘em, Joshy! You okay?”

He nodded. “Better than yesterday, will be better tomorrow.” He said, rubbing her arms as she made her way to the door. 

“Heyyyyy asshole. How did I end up in here and you didn’t? Not fuckin’ fair…” you said, voice still gravely. 

He walked over and took the seat Y/N had just been in, kicking himself back with his hands behind his head. “Guess it’s because I’m the more powerful twin, obviously.”

The two of you laughed and caught up with each other, you only being attacked with a few coughs along the way. 

“I’m sorry we had to cancel some shows, it’s my most unfavorite thing on earth.” you admitted. 

“I know, mine too. But it’s okay, I know you wouldn’t have made it through. We aren’t mad at you.” He went on before leaning forward on his elbows. “Jake, ahh. You know your road to recovery isn’t gonna be a short one, right? You had a very serious illness, and it’s not just gonna go away overnight.”

“Yeah, I’m aware. What are you getting at?” You answered. 

“Well, we were all talking, me Sam and Dan, and Richard and your doctors and everyone…we think maybe we should take some time. Step back and let you heal like you need to.” He said, voice stern. 

“NO, Josh. I’m fine. We have like, fifty shows this tour, we can’t start canceling them already. I will be fine, I’m already feeling so much better.” You argued. 

“I talked to Jay from Rival Sons, we tried to come up with a solution to even maybe play together, take some of the main effort off of you, but then we all agreed that wouldn’t work either.” He said, grazing his mouth with his hand. 

“No, not ‘that wouldn’t work’. I would never agree to that!  It’s all or nothing for our shows from now on, remember? And I can give it my all, I promise Josh. I can do it. I can’t let everybody down. You guys, the crew, the fans…god. They’ve all already got tickets and planes and hotels–”

“Jake, listen. It’s already done. Sam, Daniel and I had to make an executive decision. I’m sorry. We’re picking back up in Brazil.” 

“Brazil?! That’s in like, over a month! I don’t need that long, Josh! Tell them nevermind. I can be there.”

“Jake, stop. Listen, you’re going to be healing for weeks, you’re going to have debris in your lungs for a long time. You’re still gonna have all these side effects…tiredness, a cough, dizziness, all that. And they said it could come back if you don’t allow yourself time to heal completely. You have to allow yourself that, or else…you could end up worse and we have to cancel the rest of the tour. Okay?” He said. “And I don’t need you worse, I need you better. 100%.”

“I will be, I swear. I’m already getting there. Don’t worry about me…” you spat, feeling aggravated. 

“Don’t worry about you?! Really Jake? All I’ve done for the past three days is worry myself sick about you. Hell, I could hardly breathe myself and I wasn’t even half as bad off as you were! Laying in that damn hotel bed not able to leave or call you, no one had answers and no one knew what was wrong with you. Do you know how that felt for me? Telling me not to worry about you, fuck off. You know I feel all your shit, too.” Josh said, bringing his hands in for animation. 

“You didn’t need to worry about me, Josh, damn. I’m in a hospital in good hands…they–”

“Yeah no shit! And the doctors didn’t know what was wrong with you for a good bit of time! Sam kept us up on your state, and he didn’t tell me, but I think something really bad happened to you. I can just tell he’s not telling us the whole story. Am I right?” He went on. 

You swallowed. Your memory was fuzzy, but yeah…you think something did happen. And Sam was here for it. You stayed quiet, truly unsure how to answer, because you didn’t remember much. So you just nodded. 

“I thought so. I was worried sick, Jake. I was so scared you weren’t gonna…no one was telling me anything cause they didn’t want to upset me, make me feel worse…I thought you might not make it back to me.” He said, completely vulnerable. 

Shit. 

“Brother, you know I wasn’t going anywhere, hell. They were taking good care of me here. You know I’m not going anywhere without you, we’re going out the same way we came in, remember? You shoving me out of the way to get there first…but I’ll be following you close behind.” You said, trying to offer him some solace. 

“I know, I know. But you know how your brain works when you’re helpless and sick, it wanders off to scary places. I was trying to communicate mentally with you, begging you to please stay… I just, started thinking how fuckin’ scary that would be, if you weren’t here with me anymore. In my fever dream state it felt real, and it was shit. Okay?” He rambled. 

You laughed a little. 

“What, asshole?” He barked. 

“You really love me, don’t ya Josh?” You teased. 

“Of course I love you, you idiot.” He smiled. “Just don’t ever fuckin’ scare me like that again, understood? I’m not dealing with Sam’s shit by myself for the rest of my life.” 

You laughed again. “Alright, damn. I promise.”

“Where is Y/N? I figured she’d be back by now…” he asked, looking at the clock on the wall. 

You shook your head. “I don’t think she’s coming back tonight, Josh.”

“What? Why?”

You took as deep a breath as you could. Might as well break the news now. “Things with us are…delicate right now. I fucked up. Well, we both fucked up, actually.”

“You’re kidding me. I knew something felt weird. What happened?” He asked. 

You nodded your head to the bedside table. “Gimmie my phone.” He did, and you unlocked it, scrolling to the text thread with Elle, “Just read this.”

You watched as he silently scrolled, his eyes growing ten times in size every few seconds as he read. “What the…what the fuck?” 

Finally he handed you your phone back. “What the hell, Jake? You were going to sleep with Elle?! When did this happen? Why didn’t I know about this?”

You decided to lay the entire story out for him, beginning to end, detail by detail. He was going to find out the hard way, anyway. What you were left with at the end was his face in utter disbelief. 

“God damnit, Jacob. What kind of fuckery…” 

“I know. It’s a shitshow. But, things are alright, I guess. I just had to get pneumonia before I could really kick Sam���s ass. But Elle doesn’t know they slept together, so please, let Sam deal with that on his own. We’ve all done a lot of soul searching these past few weeks, I can tell you that.” You told him. 

“All this time, you’ve known? And you’ve been okay being around Sam?” He asked. 

“Yep. Y/N and I have been lying to all of you. I had to hang it up, put it away for the sake of the band. It’s been fucking terrible.” You relented, feeling a cough coming on. 

“I’m fucking furious, Jake. At him, at Y/N…all of you. You and Elle? Really?” He seethed. 

You nodded. “I almost did it, Josh. I really did. It almost fucking happened. And Y/N was okay with it. Wild, I know. But then your drunk ass called me to come rescue you.”

“Saved by the bell?” He said. 

“Hah, I guess. Fuckin’ always cockblocking me since we were teenagers...” You clicked your tongue. “I never did that shit to you.”

“You never had to, jackass!” 

You continued your normal conversation, going on about life and what the fuck you were going to do with it. You told Josh that you told him all of that in confidence, and as mad as he was, he agreed to go along with the act until things went back to normal. 

He left, leaving you in your bed to rest a while while he went back down to the lobby. You laid there for a long time, running over everything that had occurred in the past couple of hours. Y/N, telling you she wanted to work on things. Wanted you to work out for real. It gave you a little bit of hope that she didn’t hate you like you thought she would. But still you knew deep down that you both needed time apart. It had to happen, whether you wanted it to or not. 

The canceled tour was ripping you apart. You felt the need to apologize to everyone, tell the fans you were so sorry. You decided that when you got home, you would. And you knew exactly how you’d do it. 

You grabbed the remote from behind your head and turned on the tiny TV across the room, flipping through the channels to find something, anything to take your mind off of being in here. Carson came in a while later, startling you from a sleep you didn’t realize you were in. 

“Hey, hey! Sorry I woke you. Just gonna check some things out. Can you sit up for me?” She said. 

You pushed through every ache and pain your body presented you with while you brought yourself to sit, the weight of your lungs still heavy. 

She pressed her stethoscope to your chest and back and had you breathe deeply a few times. 

“Definitely getting better, you don’t sound nearly as raspy as you did. I’m going to give you your next dose of antibiotics through your IV now. And when you’re all through these next few doses and your levels stay up, we can remove the IV. Sound good?” She said while she recorded your blood pressure. “Then you’ll move to a round of them in pill form.”

“Sounds great. Just lovely.” You said, defeatedly.

“I’m surprised you even found somewhere to put my IV in that hand, busted up as it is.” You said, lifting your right hand and inspecting it. 

“Yeah, you were so dehydrated I couldn’t find a vein in your arms at all. Hand to resort to your hand. I noticed it’s been through some things…” she said, noting all your scars. 

“Yeah, my other arm has scars from both times I broke it, but these…all these little ones…” 

She looked closer, seeing all the little places that shards of glass had ended up that night so long ago at the bar. 

“Geez, there are tons. What did you do?” She asked. 

“Shattered glass beer bottle. Had a rough time fending off some jackass one night.” You said. “Still hurts sometimes.”

“I’d say it does. I hope you won…” she said, flicking her eyes to you. 

“I like to think I did.” You smiled, huffing loudly and readjusting yourself. 

“You hate it in here, don’t you?” She asked. 

“Eh, I’d rather be on my way to our next show right now, that’s for sure. But thank you for taking care of me. You’ve really been a light during my whole stay here.” You relented, feeling thankful that she ended up as your nurse. 

“No problem, Jake. You’ve been an excellent patient. And it was good catching up with an old friend again. I don’t get to do that much.” She said, smiling as she pulled a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“Did I really give you a scare last night?” You asked. 

She nodded. “Yeah, you did. Your vitals started crashing kinda fast. You weren’t knocking on heaven’s door or anything, but. It could have gone south fast if you weren’t here already.” She clicked a few times on her computer. “We had to call in the respiratory team. You tested my training after we left this room, and your brother's sanity, that’s for sure.”

Damn, Sam must have been just as scared as you were…

You smiled at her sudden nervousness. She leaned over you to fluff your pillow behind you. As she pulled away, your hands brushed together on the bed sheets. She decided not to move it. 

Your eyes quickly flitted up to meet hers. “Did you save me, Miss Carson Neely?” 

She giggled, shyly looking away. “No, Mr. Jacob Kiszka, me and my team saved you.” 

You felt a strange wave of something sweet fly through your body, a new, light, buzzing sensation that your brain hadn’t felt in a long time. 

She gathered her things onto the cart and began to walk away. “Just think, only a couple more days in here, and you won’t have to see my face everyday anymore.” She opened the door and began to back out. “And how did you know my Instagram name?” She left, winking secretly as the door clanked shut. 

You were left stunned. You quickly grabbed your phone, opening the app and typing in the search box. 

misscarsonneely

Follow. 

HER POV

As you step out into the lobby you see the family sitting in the same place you left them, although this time they look a lot happier, with smiles on all of their faces. As you approach they wave you over as excitedly as possible.

“Were you up there when they told him?” Karen asks.

“Told him what?” you ask.

“His doctor just came down here and told us that if he continues to improve overnight they will release him tomorrow or the next day!” Karen says. 

“Oh gosh. I hope so. I know he is tired of being here.” you reply. 

“So I was talking to Kelly, I think we are gonna checkout of the hotel and head home in the morning. I want to wash his sheets and clean up the house some. Oh, and go to the grocery store…” she pauses. “Do you want to ride with us, or?” she asks.

“Oh, um, yeah I can ride with you guys in the morning. I just need to pack up our stuff tonight I guess.” you reply.

“We’re going to head back to the hotel now, do you want to come or stay here?” she asks, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“I drove here, so I will follow you guys.” you answer.

“Me and Sammy and Danny are gonna stay here and wait for Josh, then we will probably head back too.” Elle says, trying to reassure you.

“Okay. Just…text me if anything happens, I guess.” you smile.

She winks at you and you wave bye to Sam and Danny as you follow Karen and Kelly out the doors. 

—

Tapping your keycard to the door you step into the hotel room, grateful that you already cleaned up a little bit earlier in the day. You tossed your things onto the dresser and flopped down onto your bed. You grabbed your phone and rolled to your side trying to catch up on all of the calls and texts you’d received in the last few days. 

You click on your thread with Karen, confirming plans to leave in the morning, and realize that you need to finish packing everything up. With a groan you roll off the bed and drag yourself over to your suitcase, setting out fresh clothes for tomorrow and collecting the rest of your things. 

As you zip your suitcase, you make your way over to his, opening it and beginning to refold everything and trying to organize it better than it currently was. Bringing a couple of his shirts to your face you breathe him in, a smell you miss desperately. A tear pricks at your eye as you remember everything he said today. He misses you too. 

Collecting his toiletries you walk them back to his suitcase and place the bag inside. The tiny white bag catches your eye again, and you try to ignore it. Pretend you never saw it. But, you did. You grabbed it, and pulled it out, walking over to the desk and situating yourself in the chair. You slide the ring out of the bag and in an act of pure insanity, slid it onto your finger. 

You held your hand out, admiring how perfect it looked on your finger as a hot tear rolled down your cheek. You stare at it, and again wonder if he really was going to propose. When he would have done it. How he would have done it…where did this ring even come from? 

You pull yourself up from the desk and continue packing his suitcase, the extra weight on your finger feeling like a thousand pounds. When everything was packed away you walked back over to the desk, giving your hand one last look before sliding the ring off and putting it back in the bag. You tuck it away at the bottom of the suitcase, hoping he would think you never even saw it. But you did. And now you’d never forget. 

—

As you slid into bed later that night, you grabbed the TV remote flipping through channels, hoping for something that would take your mind off of him. But instead you found yourself settling on The Food Network, because you know that’s what he would have picked. Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives lights up the screen and you suddenly feel as if you’re back home with Jake.

You grabbed your phone from the nightstand and opened your texts looking for your last message with him. You open the camera and snap a picture of the darkened room, with just the TV as the focus, hoping he will see what you’re watching. You attach the photo to the text and press send.

You

10:44pm: *Attachment*

10:44pm: It’s not the same without you… 

You set your phone down on the nightstand, knowing he is probably asleep, or just wont respond. You wouldn’t blame him. You watch for a few minutes as you learn about a Mexican restaurant in El Paso, silently wondering if you’d ever go to El Paso…

Your phone buzzes on the nightstand and you grab it as quickly as you can, hoping it was him. 

Jake

10:56pm: *Attachment*

10:56pm: I know…

Tears fill your eyes not only because he did reply, but his response, which included a photo of his view from his hospital bed, where he was watching the exact same thing.

You swiped your hand over your eyes as you replied.

You

10:59pm: Do you think we’ll ever go to El Paso?

Jake

11:00pm: I think we have to now...

You snapped another photo, of his suitcase zipped and ready next to his guitar case as they laid on his bed. 

You

11:04pm: *Attachment*

11:04pm: Ready for you to come home.

Jake

11:06pm: Me too baby

Baby? You feel your insides practically melt away reading the simple text again and again. 

You

11:10pm: See you soon…

Jake

11:11pm: Not soon enough.

You fall asleep that night with a warm feeling in your chest. Maybe there was hope. You knew you both needed time, and you’d gladly give him that. It was the least you could do. But you knew you would also give him every drop of love you had, and maybe, just maybe that would be enough to help the two of you weather this storm. 

JAKE POV

It was late when your eyes shot open, still blurry from the sleep filling them and the dim light of the room. You rolled over on the hard plastic-like pillow, the sheets scratching you as you twisted. You glanced at the clock, 2:20am. Blah. Only a few more hours until they come in to check your vitals and give you more antibiotics. You flipped to your side, hugging the extra pillow they’d given you, when something sitting in the chair caught your eye. 

What the hell is that? 

You flipped the overhead light on, illuminating the room with a buzzing fluorescent glow. 

It’s…a guitar?

You sat up, reaching hard to grab the neck of it, noticing a small note tucked between the strings. You unfolded it, turning it toward the light. 

Congratulations on beating bacterial pneumonia!

Thought you’d like to borrow this to get through your last day…

Don’t beat her up too much ;)

-Carson 

Holy shit, this is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you. You tucked the note onto the table beside you, and laid back down on the bed. You grasped the old acoustic, feeling its weight in your hands sit just right. You positioned your hands just so, and strummed a light chord. My god, the joy you felt. This was probably the longest you’d gone without holding a guitar in your hands since before you were a teenager. You tilted your head back and let out a tiny howl at the sound of it, before tuning it up just a tad. 

You had no idea how much you missed it, the feeling of your absolute favorite object in the world in your hands. Your means of communication. Your way to make an honest living. Your tool for storytelling. One of the only things that was constant for the entirety of your life so far. She’d never let you down. 

And Carson had given it to you. Well, let you borrow it, at least. You continued playing quietly until the sun was peeking through the curtains, giving the room a dull blue tint. Your fingers were starting to ache from being out of practice for the past few days, but you welcomed the feeling. The true attachment you had with this instrument was unending. 

You grabbed your phone, opening Instagram to your direct messages. You found Carson, sending her a quick message. 

You: Thank you for the loan, I haven’t been this happy in days

To your surprise, she answered. 

Carson: Not a problem at all. How does she play?

You: Perfectly. Could use a new set of strings, though ;)

Carson: Ah, I bet it does. I haven’t picked it up in quite some time. Promise, I’ll get some new ones asap

You: See you soon?

Carson: I’ll be there to sign your discharge papers :)

You locked your phone, letting your mind drift as your fingers grazed the strings again. You closed your eyes, watching as the music floated from your fingertips directly along with the colorful waves behind your eyelids. 

Oh, shit…

You grabbed your phone again, sending Josh a quick text. 

You:

5:48am: Hey, when you come pick me up later, can you have Sam get you a new thing of acoustic strings and bring them with you? Thanks please don’t forget.

Right as the sun began to hit your face, the warmth making your skin tingle, you began to think about Y/N asleep by herself, probably still worried about you. You thought about everything she’d said, how horribly you’d treated her lately…your heart started to ache. The guilt of not telling her about Elle began pulling at your insides. You were tearing yourself up, you’d waited all your life for her, and right when you both were in a perfect spot, twisted fate came in and ripped it away. 

But she had been there all day. All week. By your side. Your fingers began to play a tune you’d never heard before, never played before…light and solemn, but happy at the same time. You memorized it, writing the notes down mentally. This sounds good… You promised yourself that you’d make it work this time. You had to, you didn’t have any other choice. You hoped to god that she intended to stay this time. 

You drifted off to sleep still playing that tune, letting the guitar slip from your hands as you slept, dreaming of finally seeing your girl tomorrow.

HER POV

The ride from Saginaw to Frankemuth was short, only half an hour at most, and you spent most of the drive laughing with Kelly and Karen about the funny things your parents got into with them before you were born. 

You knew all you could do was laugh, otherwise you’d all cry about how scary things were with Jake. You hadn’t received any updates about Jake since yesterday afternoon before you left the hospital. You hoped that no news was good news, but still, another word of reassurance wouldn’t hurt. 

As you pulled into their driveway, Kelly unloaded your bags and brought them up to Jake’s room. You and Karen made a plan for the day of the things you knew you both wanted to get done before you picked up Jake tomorrow, god willing. 

You spent most of the day assisting Karen in cleaning up, doing some of Jake’s laundry, and putting fresh sheets on his bed. You two also made a trip to the grocery store, picking up a few of his favorite things. 

It was weird being in his house without him, let alone his bedroom surrounded by his things. But you embraced it. You loved him, and all you wanted was for him to come home to you. Even if it was in a different way than before.

Around 5:00 Karen got a call that he would be discharged tomorrow, and to pick him up around noon. The house was filled with happiness and joy, but also, a bit of nervousness as none of you knew what to expect with his recovery. 

You helped Karen make a huge batch of chicken noodle soup, and later that night the three of you sat around the table testing the recipe. 

“Perfect as always, my love.” Kelly said, grabbing Karen's hand. 

You felt a shock shoot through your body. Your mind flashing to a memory of Jake saying those exact words, and sounding the exact same. You wondered if you’d ever hear those words again. 

After dinner you excused yourself to bed, ready to take a shower and get a good night's sleep before your long and emotional day tomorrow. You took extra time in the shower, letting the hot water soothe your tired muscles, and relax you enough that you would fall right asleep. 

You pulled on your favorite t-shirt and a pair of his old sweatpants and slid into his bed, wishing so badly he was there next to you. You thought of him, alone at the hospital and sighed. You hadn’t heard a word from him all day, so with the rest of the courage you had, you grabbed your phone and sent him a text. 

You opened your thread with him, and hit the camera button, snapping a picture of you curled up on his pillow, and hit send. 

You

9:47pm: *Attachment*

Jake

9:49pm: My shirt, in my bed? That’s just mean…

You

9:50pm: Clean sheets too. All to myself…

Jake

9:51pm: *Attachment*

9:51pm: This is what they are calling a pillow.

You smile as you open the photo to see Jake, laying on a flattened out piece of cotton wrapped in plastic. 

You

9:52pm: Lol, don’t worry, tomorrow you can have all of these to yourself…

9:52pm: *Attachment*

You laugh, sending him a photo of both of the pillows on his bed, looking fluffy and full.

Jake

9:54pm: Then what will you sleep on?

You

9:55pm: I don’t know, one of the pillows on the basement pull out couch.

Jake

9:56pm: No, I can probably share. Just this once…

Jake

9:57pm: What are you doing?

You

9:58pm: Rifling around your room looking for treasures…

Jake

9:59pm: Hmm, want to go on a scavenger hunt?

You

10:00pm: Okay…

Jake

10:01pm: Alright, get out of my bed and walk over to the desk

You

10:02pm: Okay I’m here…

Jake

10:03pm: Okay, open the second drawer from the bottom.

You

10:04pm: Done

Jake

10:03: Okay in the very bottom of the drawer there should be a little brown cardboard box

You

10:05pm: Yes, I see it.

Jake

10:06pm: Look inside.

Pulling the box from the drawer you open it and see it filled with CD’s. You pull one of the jewel cases out and smile. Their very first CD. You grab the next one, different from the first. Flipping through four of five untitled CD’s before getting to one you recognized, Oh, Live from Detroit, I remember that…I think I was there…

You

10:10pm: Wow, is this every single one?

Jake

10:11pm: Yeah, should be. I’m pretty sure some of those are like, the only copies in existence anymore.

You

10:12pm: Is there a CD player in here? I have to listen to these.

Jake

10:13pm: Nope. Ready to see my most favorite treasure?

You

10:15pm: Yes

Jake

10:16pm: Okay, walk over to my dresser

You

10:17pm: Here

Jake

10:18pm: Ok you see all the photos stacked in the corner?

You

10:19pm: Yes

Jake

10:18pm: Okay, ignore those. Instead, look up.

You look up and are met with your reflection in the mirror. You. You are his treasure. You aren’t even sure what to say. You just stare at the screen of your phone as you feel your heart flutter.

Jake

10:20pm: It’s true. You are my most favorite treasure. 

You swallow back the lump in your throat and walk back over to the bed, sliding in once again and snuggling up to his pillow. 

You

10:22pm: You know you’re mine too, Jake…

He doesn't respond and you figure he probably fell asleep, and you weren’t too far behind him. You place your phone on the nightstand and turn off the lamp, ready to let sleep take you away when you hear it buzz again. 

Jake

11:01pm: Remember when we used to sneak out of my window and sit on the roof and smoke so my parents wouldn’t know?

You

11:03pm: Lol yes and I was always afraid we were going to get too high and fall off.

Jake

11:05pm: You know I’d never let anything happen to you.

You

11:07pm: I know…

Jake

11:09pm: Wish we could go back.

You

11:07pm: There’s a lot of things I wish I could go back and redo.

Jake

11:11pm: All part of the journey babe, good or bad.

You

11:13pm: More bad than good…

Jake

11:14pm: And I’m still here…

You

11:16pm: But it’s not the same.

Jake

11:18pm: Not yet.

You

11:20pm: But maybe?

Jake

11:21pm: Definitely maybe

You

11:23pm: Then maybe I can make you pancakes and sing Sam Cooke with you?

Jake

11:25pm: God I fuckin’ hope so baby.

You

11:27pm: Me too. 

Jake

11:30pm: Enjoy that bed to yourself while you can…

You

11:31pm: Like it better when you’re here.

Jake

11:32pm: Me too. Goodnight babe

You

11:33pm: Night Jake ❤️

You placed your phone on the nightstand, hugging his pillow tightly to your chest, letting out a breath it felt like you'd been holding in for weeks. And as you fell asleep, you let yourself believe that things might actually be okay. 

—

You tapped your fingers nervously on the arm of the couch, you were ready to go, and you had been for nearly two hours. The clock ticking by slower than it ever has. The hospital called again this morning to confirm Jake’s discharge, and Josh was planning to meet you there and ride back with the three of you. 

“You ready to go get your man?” Karen asked jokingly.

You laughed nervously, “Yeah, I think he did his time.” you replied as you followed her out the door. 

The ride to the hospital was nervous but hopeful, you and Karen chatting about the weather and anything else you could think of, but the closer you got the more the nerves set in. Things between you and Jake had taken a drastic turn in the past two days, talking more than you had in the past few weeks. 

As you stepped into the hospital and made your way to the elevator, Josh greeted you with hugs and ‘hellos’.

“Have you been waiting long?” you asked.

“No, not really, had to come up here earlier actually, Jake needed guitar strings? I don’t know. I didn’t ask, came and brought them up and they were getting ready to start his discharge. Checked out of my hotel room and just got here a few minutes ago.” he said.

Guitar strings?

The three of you rode the elevator up to the fourth floor and you took a deep breath as Josh knocked on his door. 

Seconds later the door was opening, and for the first time in days you saw Jake behind it. 

“Wow, honey you are looking better!” Karen said, pulling him in for a hug. As he hugged her back his eyes met yours, looking much more lively than just a day ago. 

“You ready to get the fuck out of here?” Josh joked.

“Hell yes, what took you guys so long?” he laughed.

With Karen and Josh looking to you now, you stepped forward towards him as he reached his arms out to you. He wrapped his arms tightly around you like it was the only thing tethering him to earth. His face buried into your neck breathing you in as he pressed a kiss to your cheek. 

“God, I am so glad to see you.” he said. Part of you wondering if he meant it or if this was part of his act. 

He pulled away quickly as a cough shook through his chest, not nearly as bad as it was, but still not great. 

“Alright alright, let's get you home and back into bed. You’re not healed yet, son.” Karen said playfully.

He nodded and grabbed his few items, before stepping through the door and grabbing your hand in his. 

“Hey, thanks for the serenade all night, that’s a story I’ll be able to tell my grandkids one day.” The guy at the nurses station said, saluting Jake as you left. 

“Tell them you listened to me write a new song in a hospital bed!” he responded. 

“Did you really write something new?” Josh asked, leaning in close. 

“Sure did. It’s pretty sweet…think you’ll like it, too.” he said, looking over to you, his sweet grin filling your stomach with butterflies as he squeezed your hand. 

You were completely unaware that the emotions he came to terms with while laying in that bed inspired something beautiful and brand new. 

The two of you walked hand in hand to the elevator, taking the short ride down to the lobby with Karen and Josh. 

As you loaded into the car Josh joined Karen up front and Jake sat in the back with you. Each of you sat on your respective sides of the car, casting glances at each other every few seconds. You could hardly tear your eyes away from him, dressed in your most favorite item in the world. You wondered if he really meant it all those days ago when he said it wasn't his favorite. That he was going to donate it. You hoped he wouldn’t, and thankfully he didn’t.

He talked to Karen and Josh most of the drive home, but still he would look at you, the color back in his face and a small smile on his lips. 

He stretched his arm over the headrests, letting his hand fall at the nape of your neck. His fingers gently dusting the skin there as he continued to talk. Your mind began swirling with the memory of the last time you felt his touch this way. So soft and gentle. You looked over at him meeting his eyes as his thumb pressed into your skin letting you know he was thinking the same things you were.

Minutes later you were pulling into the driveway and making your way up to the front door. Sam and Elle had arrived while you were gone and were happy to see Jake in better condition. You ushered Jake upstairs, knowing he still needed tons of rest and that it was almost time for his next dose of antibiotics. He agreed, slowly making his way upstairs to his bedroom as you followed behind him. 

JAKE POV

She shuts the door behind her and leans against it as you walk over to your suitcase, laying open on the floor. You pick up a t-shirt noticing its soft texture and folded state. You pull it to your nose breathing in the scent and feeling your body physically relax. 

“Did you wash my clothes?” You ask, looking over to her still leaning against the door. 

Her eyes flick up to yours nervously, “Oh, um yes.”

You bring the shirt to your nose again breathing it in. Smells just like her.

“How does it– it smells just like you?” you question.

“Your mom and I went to the store yesterday. I picked up the laundry soap we use at home, thought it might…I don’t know, make you feel better or something.” she answers.

You stand up from your suitcase, throwing the shirt over your shoulder and walking over to her. You grab her hands and pull her into your arms, wrapping them tightly around her. Her arms snake around your back, her hands gripping into you as the two of you stand there breathing each other in. 

“Thank you.” you whisper. 

“You’re welcome…” she replies. 

You release her, stepping back and just looking at her. Really looking at her. You can tell she is nervous. After the way you’d treated her the last few weeks, you’d be nervous around you too. 

You pull off the flannel and toss it into the suitcase, pulling the black t-shirt over your head and pulling on the one you’d grabbed from your suitcase. You kicked off your jeans and threw your phone onto the bed, as she turned away.

You sat down on the edge of the bed, as you turned your attention back to her. “Hey, c’mere…”

She walked over to you, as her phone buzzed in her back pocket. She pulled it out, and looked at the screen before her eyes flashed to you.

“Time for your meds…” she said.

“Oh, are you my nurse?” you asked playfully.

“For now, though I am probably not as qualified as Carson.” she laughed.

Shit. Did she know?

“Your mom and I made chicken noodle soup for you yesterday. Do you want some? Then you can take your medicine?” she asks.

“You made it?” you ask.

“Well, yeah. Me and your mom. It’s your moms recipe, I just helped.” she admits. 

A smile crosses your face, “Yes. Please.”

“Okay, stay here. I will be back in a few.” she says, disappearing through the door.

Just ask her when she comes back. It’s just Y/N. Why are you so nervous?

A few minutes later as you’re laid back on your pillows your bedroom door opens and you see Y/N and Elle carrying in all kinds of things. 

“Brought you lunch! And snacks! Heard they were starving you in there!” Elle says. 

“I think prison food would have tasted better.” you laugh.

“Well this should be good, especially if Y/N made it.” she smiles.

“I just helped! I swear I didn’t do anything special!” she interjects.

“Sure you did. You made it for Jake right?” she asks.

A puzzled look crosses Y/N’s face, “Yeah?”

“So it was made with love. That makes everything special.” she says, scampering back through the bedroom door, shutting it behind her. 

Y/N places the bowl of soup, crackers, and water for you at your desk, motioning for you to come over. You stand up from the bed and walk over, mouth already watering just from the smell alone. You sit down and turn to her, as she places the two white pills in your hand. 

“I will be downstairs if you…need anything. You can just text me or whoever…” she says, backing up towards the door.

“You’re leaving?” you ask.

“Well, I figur–”

“You figured wrong. Stay…Hang out with me for a little bit?” you ask.

“Are you…sure?” she asks.

“Find a movie for us to watch?” you offer.

A smile slides across her face and she tries to stifle it back. She kicks off her shoes and grabs some clothes from her suitcase, running off to the bathroom to change. Minutes later she is walking back into your room in a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. You swallow nervously as you take her in. Your favorite girl.

She grabs the TV remote, climbing into your bed and nestling herself into the blankets. You have a hard time keeping the smile from your own face, knowing it would be mere minutes until you were there next to her.

—

You were nervous to crawl into bed with her, but you knew once you were there everything would fall into place. It always did. You slid into the bed, pulling the familiar blankets up over your body, as she hit play on the movie. 

You rolled to your side looking up at her, deeply invested in the movie starting on the tiny screen across the room. You had no idea what movie she picked and honestly you didn’t care. The medicine you had to take made it hard for you to keep your eyes open for longer than five minutes at a time. It had been too long since you were able to just relax with her. Not a care in the world, just you and her and that's it. 

“You want this, or do I get to use it?” she smiles, offering you the pillow behind her.

You smiled back, “You can use it, but I have the freedom to change my mind at any moment.” you say playfully. She lays down into it, closing her eyes as she breathes you in. Her eyes reopen and look at you as her hand suddenly comes up towards your face. 

Her fingers gently glide over your top lip, “I kind of like the mustache Jake. It’s…I don’t know…It’s hot.”

“I couldn’t shave in the hospital, been a few days. You like it?” you ask.

Her fingers run over it again, lingering for an extra second, “Yeah. I do. Maybe you should try it out.” she smiles.

“I don’t know, maybe.” you reply, rolling to your back.

A cough rips through your chest as you turn away from her, but you feel her hand press to your chest, warm and soft even through your thin t-shirt.

You roll back with a sigh, wondering how long this cough will stick around. 

“You know, I kind of feel like this is partly my fault.” she said resting her face on her arm. 

“What? No? Why?” you question.

“The other day, in the hotel room, you were kind of out of it, coughing here and there, kept getting headaches…I asked you if you were sick and you said no, but I knew you were. I should have made you go to the doctor sooner.” she says quietly.

You roll towards her, letting your feet graze against hers, “I shouldn’t have pretended that I was okay. Just, with everything that was going on, I couldn’t deal with that too. It caught up with me though. I was stupid for thinking it wouldn’t.”

“Thank you, for taking me to the hospital though… I…am glad you were there, in the room with me. I’m glad I didn’t move you to your own room.” you admit.

Her foot slides against your leg, sending a shiver through your body, “I did. I changed all the rest of our hotel bookings for the rest of the tour. I got my own room so you didn’t have to be near me.”

“Why?” you ask, unsure you even wanted to hear the answer.

“Because you’ve spent the past two weeks showing me that’s exactly what you wanted.” she says, driving a dagger straight through your heart.

You grab her arm pulling her to lay on your chest as you wrap your arms around her. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know I was mean. I didn’t want to be, I was just…hurting. I shouldn’t have said those things. They aren’t even true.”

“No, I deserved it. I still do.” she says, cheek to your chest.

“Will you just, lay here with me?” you ask, into her hair.

“Am I allowed to touch you?” she whispers.

“Of course you can touch me, baby.” you answer, completely shocked that she thinks she needs to ask. 

Her hand snakes up under your shirt, resting on your chest. You can tell by her urgency that she had probably been thinking about it for a long time. You knew laying with you like this was one of her favorite things in the world. Her fingers rubbed small paths over your skin, almost like she was re-familiarizing herself with your body. You missed the way her skin felt on yours, and if it was up to you, you wouldn’t move from this spot for the next three days.

It was quiet between the two of you for a while, just the gentle rise and fall of your hand on her shoulder as she breathed. The movie continued to play across the room, but neither of you were watching it. You knew that both of you had fallen into a deep spiral of what exactly had happened between the two of you that you’d ended up here, together, but not at all.

—

The two of you later found yourselves seated around the kitchen table as your mom finished cleaning up dinner, finding that the extra long nap earlier had you waking up feeling even better than you had this morning. Part of you wondered if it was because Y/N was wrapped around you, or maybe just the new medicine you’d been given. Either way, you were starting to get into better spirits, even given your current situation.

“Our flight is leaving tomorrow, Daniel’s too.” Sam said, leaning back in the old wooden kitchen chair.

“Sammy do not lean in my chairs, the rules have not changed!” your mom yelled from across the kitchen. 

You lifted your middle finger, flipping him off with a shit eating smile as he rolled his eyes and sat back down. He scoffed and flipped you off with both hands cutting his eyes at you.

“Samuel Francis!” your mom yelled, peeking her head around the corner seeing Sam with two middle fingers in the air.

“No! That was to Jake, not to you!” he said, trying to explain. You let a small laugh leave your chest as you watched him get scolded.

“Don’t let me see that again…” she said pointing at him and returning to the kitchen.

“Fuck you Jake…” he muttered under his breath.

“No, fuck you, Sam.” you replied with a grin.

“Annnnyways….I’m probably gonna stay here with Jake, someone has to drive his ass home, and I’m not making Y/N do it.” Josh says.

“What! I can do it!” she interjects.

“I know you can, but I need you to watch him while I’m driving. I can't be chauffeur and nurse.” he laughs.

“When do you think you’ll be ready to head back?” he asks.

“Probably, like…another day or so? I am feeling way better. I could probably drive, honestly.” you say but are met with a resounding ‘No’ from everyone seated around the table.

“Jake, you can barely keep your eyes open.” she smiles.

“Okay, so tentatively the day after tomorrow…”Josh says.

“Yeah, I think so. Y/N?” you ask.

“Yeah, whatever you guys want.” she answers, as you slide your hand to rest on her leg. You feel her hand grab yours and give it a tight squeeze before she stands up and walks into the kitchen.

Sam and Elle follow after her, leaving you and Josh to sit at the table. 

“I think I would kill a man for a beer.” you say.

He laughs, and pats you on the shoulder, “Damn, you are feeling better, huh?”

You nod and send him a smile.

“I’m glad. Was scared there for a minute.” he admits.

“You can’t get rid of me, fucker…” you laugh.

Y/N walks back in with a glass of water and another handful of pills, handing you both, as she watches you take them. 

“Gonna go take a shower, don’t stay down here too long or I’m starting the next episode without you.” she says, with a smirk.

“I’ll be up in a bit.” you say, squeezing her hand as she walked away and disappeared up the stairs.

“So, are you two like…good now?” he asks.

“I mean, no. I haven’t even told her about Elle yet. Gonna wait until we get home. I just… I spent the last two weeks being a complete dick to her. Hated her, or– what she did to me. Said some really fucked up shit to her, then I found out what happened with me and Elle, and knew I fucked up. Knew I overreacted. That morning I was going to try to start being nice to her again, but then, next thing I knew I was in the fucking hospital. I spent the entire time I was in the hospital thinking about her. I fucking love her man, that shit doesn’t just go away. As much as I wanted to hate her and never talk to her again, when that alert thing started going off and I couldn’t breathe…when I thought I was about to fuckin’ die… It was her. I know it’s always going to be her.” you pause as he nods his head. 

“So I wake up and she's in my hospital room and she’s just… god, I don’t even know. Just so attentive and wants to listen to me, and be there with me. How could I not want to forgive her? I put her through hell, and I know, she’s no angel, but even after all the shit I said to her, she still came. I know I hurt her, but I know she still loves me too.” you finish.

“She does Jake. But what her and Sam did is a far worse offense than what you and Elle did.” he says.

“I know. I know that, but…I feel just as guilty. I was planning to do the same thing. I just…how can I stay mad at her when she all but gave me free reign. The only difference is that I didn’t give her permission.” you say. 

“Would you have given it?” he asks.

“No? I don’t know? Maybe? That whole night is a fucking blur, I barely, barely remember it. It was like a movie, man. Wild shit and bad decisions happening everywhere. Way too much alcohol. We were having fun, we all felt really free, I guess. One of those once in a lifetime nights, ya know? Do you know that I came and slept in your room that night?” you ask.

“What? No.” he replies.

“Yeah, after I told her we were done, I left the room. I didn’t know where to go, so I slept on the couch in your room. Left before you got up. Tried to talk to her again, went pretty fucking poorly, so I went to the bar and drank myself stupid.” you confess.

“I just feel like…I got really lucky that she was in the room with me the other night. I don’t know what would have happened if she wasn’t. I got a second chance, you know? So why shouldn’t I give her one, too?” you finish.

“That’s your call brother. I know she loves you. I know you love her. But sometimes things aren’t that cut and dry. I know you’ll make the right call though. You always do. I’m glad you are feeling better and I’m glad you told me about everything. You know I will help you any way I can.” he says, standing up from the table. 

“I realized while I was in the hospital that I don’t tell you guys that I love you, nearly enough. You know I’m not an emotional kind of guy, but… I do, love you.”

A smile crosses his face at your confession, “I love you too Jakey. And for the record you might be the most emotional guy I know.”

You smile and pat his back as you walk away up the stairs, trying to keep your heart rate down and avoid a coughing fit. You twist the door knob, and as you step inside you see Y/N squatting down in front of her suitcase looking for her pajamas, her towel twisted on top of her head. 

You’d missed seeing her like this. Sure you’ve been with her nearly every night in the hotel room, but something about being here was different. You pulled your shirt over your head and tied your hair up at the base of your neck, letting your sweats fall to the floor before sliding into your bed with a groan. Your body was sore from all the coughing you’d done the past few days, and your muscles were extremely tight as a result. 

Y/N flipped the towel off of her head, dragging her brush through it, and tossing it back into her suitcase. She had on her normal pajamas of an oversized t-shirt and panties, though she’d been opting for shorts as well more recently. You were interested to see what she would choose tonight. 

She looked over her shoulder as you watched her make the decision, and as she shut her suitcase you couldn’t help the smile on your face. She turned off the overhead light, leaving the room lit by the TV, as she crawled over you into the bed. 

“You gonna turn it on?” she asks, positioning herself under the blankets.

“What?” you ask.

“Our show?” she answers, so normally. 

“Do you want me to?” you ask.

“Well yeah. Don’t you want to know what's going to happen to the cigarette smoking man?” she asks.

You turn to her and pull her into your side, letting her cuddle up to you in her favorite spot as you hit play on the remote.

About halfway through the episode you feel your eyes starting to get heavy, thanks to that damn medicine. You have been lazily running your fingers through her still damp hair, and halfway paying attention to the show on the screen as you just enjoy the feeling of her draped over your body.

Your phone buzzes on the nightstand causing both of you to turn your heads. You reach over and grab it, pulling it out in front of you to see who it is. You and Y/N both squint at the brightness of your screen as you quickly turn it down. 

You click on the notification letting it open your Instagram DM’s and seeing Carson's name appear at the top.

Carson:You changed my strings? You didn’t have to do that! You’re a sweetheart. 💕

Your heart starts to race as you quickly lock your screen and place the phone back on your nightstand, hoping she didn’t see. 

“So that’s why you needed strings…” she says, laying her head back down on your chest.

“Just trying to be nice. She practically saved my life you know…” you say, hoping to play it off.

A few minutes pass and it's silent between the two of you. You swallow nervously as you grab the remote and pause the show, before turning off the TV. She turns to look at you, resting her chin on your chest.

You turn onto your side, letting her fall beneath you, as you cup her face in your hand.

“For three days that woman had to listen to me ask for you. Beg, really. Were we good friends in highschool, yeah, sure. But I haven’t talked to her since graduation. She did something nice for me, so I did something nice for her. If anyone knows how I feel about you, it’s her.” you say.

“How do you feel?” she asks.

“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Josh. When I was scared to death, thought I was about to die, your face was all I could see.” you reply.

“Really?” she breathes.

You lay your face onto hers, letting her lips lay against your cheek, as you force yourself not to show her exactly how you feel. “Yeah, baby.” you whisper.

“You wanna go to sleep?” you ask.

“Will you hold me?” she asks, the tone in her voice nervous that you might say no.

You roll her to her side and pull her into your chest, letting your head settle into your pillow as you twist your fingers with hers. It feels so, so good to be with her like this. Your missing piece. 

You breathe in deeply and let it go, finally feeling the weight lift from your chest as you let your eyes close. Suddenly you feel her turning in your arms, her face centimeters from hers.

“Hey Jake?” she whispers. 

You open your eyes and see her looking back at you, “Yeah?”

“It’d be you, too.” she says.

You send her a puzzled look. 

“If I was dying. It would be you, for me. It always has been.” she breathes.

You grab her face with your right hand, cupping her cheek as you press your lips to hers in the kiss that has been dancing between the two of you all day. Her lips are soft and full, and warm, and everything you thought about for the past two weeks without her. Her hand snakes up your bare chest, resting on your neck as she kisses you back; her lips like velvet as they move against your own. 

After a minute you force yourself to pull away from her, just looking into her eyes for a few seconds, before you pull her body back into yours and lay down on your pillow. Though this time you are holding her closer, and holding her tighter, knowing you can’t let her go again. Not ever.

“Goodnight, love.” you whisper softly into her ear.

She rolls her neck to the side, letting you place one soft barely there kiss to her skin as she whispers back to you in her perfectly sleepy voice, “Goodnight, babe.”

HER POV

Evening was drawing near again; you’d spent almost the entire day at your parents’, soaking in the hours you had with them and explaining everything that had been happening the past few days. They were devastated to hear about Jake’s health and the cancellation of the next shows, but they agreed it was in his best interest. 

After dinner and more sweet goodbyes, you told them you were off to play nurse again, and you’d call them when you got back to Nashville. 

You crept back into Jake’s house, the smell of leftover dinner aroma filling your nose. It seemed though mostly everyone had gone to bed, until you heard laughing outside on the back porch. 

You waltzed to the sliding door, peeking through the blinds and found Jake and Josh sitting and talking, bundled up with jackets and scarves. 

You slowly opened the sliding door, and poked your head out. “What are you two doing? It’s freezing out here!”

“No it’s not, Y/N, you’ve just gotten accustomed to the warmth of Tennessee.” Josh laughed. Normally you would find them out here having a beer or sharing a joint, but both of those things weren’t allowed in the house for quite a bit yet. 

“Yeah. Both our doctors told us fresh air would do us some good, so here we are…” Jake said. “I’ll be in in a minute, though.”

“Take your time, get all the fresh air you can! I need you both well.” You closed the door quickly behind you, stopping the brisk air from entering the house. You wondered if Jake had told Josh about anything, and you wondered how he was going to react when he finally did. You weren’t looking forward to that. 

You’d been cuddled up in Jake’s bed reading a book when you heard his door squeak open. You turned sleepily to find him pulling off his scarf, hat, coat, and all the layers he had bundled up in. 

“Hey, whatcha been doing today?” You asked. 

When he was down to his boxers, he climbed in bed beside you, pushing his chilled body against yours. “Missing the hell out of you, that’s what I’ve been doing.”

“God, Jake! You’re so cold, quit!” You laughed and pulled away as he placed his cold hands on your stomach. 

“But I need you to warm me up!” He complained as he grabbed you again, pulling you closer. His freezing cold face was buried in your neck, his hot breath a contrast to the frozen nose pressed into your ear. You felt your whole body tingle, feeling him this close again. Mmm, slow down Jake. But also please don’t…

You let your body roll over against his, sucking up the fact that he was almost frozen solid and giving you chill bumps. “Ahh, that’s better…” he said as he shivered into you, letting out a low growl as he thawed out. Your lips traveled on their own, slipping down the curve of his cold neck, laying tiny kisses as you trailed down to his shoulder, your body begging you to keep taking it further. 

But you couldn’t. You had to go slow, keep your feelings at bay. You weren’t together…but then you saw his deep brown eyes flick up to yours, his eyelids heavy already. His hand grabbed the back of your neck softly, pulling you to meet face to face. Your lips fought to reach out to his, connecting again like they had last night. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this…” he whispered. 

“No, we shouldn’t.” You answered, as he pulled your neck again, letting you stop just millimeters from his lips. You let your tongue sneak out, brushing it into his mouth before pressing your lips to his in a flurry of hitched breaths and grabbing hands. His kiss was hurried and hot, pulling you over on top of him. His hands buried in your hair, and yours cupping his head. It was fast and frantic, like you’d been starved for one another for years upon years. Finally, so perfect. Your Jake…

…but wait. Suddenly you pulled away, disconnecting the two of you as you wiped your lips off with your hand. You shook your head quickly from side to side. “This isn’t right Jake. We can’t…” you laid back down beside him. 

“Fuck you’re right. You’re right you’re right. We can’t. I’m sorry, I just–”

You leaned in and kissed him again, the pull to him overtaking your entire mind, body and soul. He kissed you back, this time slow and sweet, the kind that set your insides on fire. You couldn’t help the whimper that escaped your lips at the overwhelming feeling of passionate want for him swimming through your body. 

“Mmm, gotta stop making those noises baby, driving me crazy already…” he whispered between deep, engulfing kisses. “We can’t be doing these things…breaking our own rules…”

You rolled him so you were on your back, him hovering over you. His hand instinctively reached down and pulled your leg over his, hitching it and burying his hand in your hip. 

“Truly not the best idea…we should really stop while we’re ahead…” you breathed into him, tongues searching into each other’s mouths again. “But we never came up with any rules though, did we?” You stated more than asked. 

“Mm, nope. We should have laid some down.” He said, gritting his teeth together, flexing his jaw and moving his eyes from your lips down to your breasts. “What’s rule number one, baby? Tell me what we can’t do…” he said, kissing you hard again. 

Your mind was swirling, fighting between wanting to say fuck it and sleep with him, and deciding that you needed to stop. Truly stop. And show yourselves that you could do it. It was time to grow up…but god…his hands on you…

“Rule number one is no kissing.” You said as he brushed his hand down your neck, pulling your tit into his hand and squeezing it, the touch alone making you want to moan obscenities. He pulled his mouth away from yours. 

“Okay, no kissing. Got it.” He breathed, chest heaving. 

“Rule number two, no touching, like that…” he firmly gripped your tit again, pulling and twisting your nipple just the way you fuckin liked. 

“Okay, no touching like that. And three?” He asked, body buzzing. 

“Rule three is… I still get to tell you I love you every single day, how much I care for you, and how sorry I am that I hurt you so badly. How much I want to make this work. And how much I want you to be the person I wake up next to every single morning for the rest of my life.” You spit the words out before you could think about them, and they took him by a little bit of surprise. 

He sat back, admiring you. A small smile crept to his lips as he brought his lips to your forehead, kissing it hard. He nodded. “Okay. Okay baby.”

You let yourselves calm down, settling into a state of relaxation again after getting so worked up. 

“So, you never said no sex, though. So we can still do that, right? Just no kissing or touching?” He said after a few minutes. You rolled up and smacked him across the chest. 

“Jacob!” You laughed. 

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! Lay back down. Go to sleep.”

“Gonna be hard to go to sleep after feeling you like that again…” you said, laughing. 

“No shit, I already wanna break those rules so fuckin’ bad.” He laughed too, both of you realizing how much you turned each other on. 

“Jake, I wanna tell you something.” You sat up on your elbows. “We both know we’ve got to give each other time, right? We owe it to each other.” He nodded.

“I talked to Logan, and he and a couple friends have a big house, and they’re looking for one more roommate. I told him that I’d take the room. I think it would be best for us, right now. So we can truly have our space away from each other.” You went on. You watched his face fall. “Things feel okay right now, but let’s be honest Jake, I hurt the hell out of you. And I still harbor that guilt. I’ve got to have my time, and I have to give you yours.”

He sighed deeply. You could tell by the look on his face that he didn’t like the idea, but he understood where you were coming from. You thought back to how horribly he talked to you just a week ago, how awful things were…you didn’t want to end up there again. 

“Can we talk more about it tomorrow?” He asked. You could tell his meds were kicking into overdrive. 

“Yeah, babe. Tomorrow.”

You both ended up cuddling again, each of you falling asleep with the love of your life. And you promised yourself right there that you’d spend everyday proving it to him. 

——

The next morning you woke up early to head back home, Jake finally having more strength than he had all week. It was good seeing color in his face again and you knew he was anxious to get back to Tennessee. 

You made your home in the backseat while Josh hopped into the drivers seat, and Jake manned the copilot seat. You’d made yourself a little bed in the back, ready to curl up with your book. 

You’d been on the road maybe an hour or so when you got a text from Jake. 

Jake

9:12am: Please don’t move out

You

9:13am: Jake, you know we need our space right now

Jake

9:15am: Yes, we do. So I’ll just go to the guest room. You can have our bedroom again. Just… please stay. Don’t go away.

You looked out the window at the passing trees, knowing in your heart that you truly didn’t want to move out. But could you make it work? Moving away from him seemed like a good idea, but also, what if it wasn’t? What if it drove you even further apart? What if so much time passed, that you never ended up coming back? 

You

9:20am: Okay. One condition. 

Jake

9:21am: Tell me

You

9:22am: The guest room is mine.  

——

A while later, you’d made it to somewhere deep in Kentucky when you felt your stomach rumble. 

“Do you guys wanna stop for food soon? I’m starving.” You said, closing your book. 

“Hell yes I’m starving too.” Josh said, bringing up his GPS. “Jake, you’ve had nothing but jell-o and hard boiled eggs for 4 days, you pick where we go.” 

“Do you guys really wanna know what I want?” Jake went on. “You can’t say no…”

Josh nodded. “Yeah okay I guess…”

“I want fuckin’ Dairy Queen. Chicken strips, and honey mustard, and french fries, and a giant turtle blizzard.” He said, making weird mouth sounds as he talked. “My mouth is literally watering right now. All I could think about in that damn hospital bed was fucking up a blizzard bigger than my face.”

You and Josh erupted with laughter. “Of all the places in the world, and you want Dairy Queen?” He laughed at his twin. 

“What do you have against the Queen of Dairy, Josh?” Jake said blankly, his British accent coming back full force. “Shit’s delicious and that’s where I want to go, got it, damn it?”

You were laughing hard now. “I love Dairy Queen. Sounds good to me babe.” 

Josh raised his eyebrows. “Oooookay then, find the closest one.”

——

Jake was still eating his ice cream on the walk back to the car, a giant smile planted across his face as his red spoon hung from his lips. 

“I’m gonna sit in the back with you. I’m getting tired.” He said, going around to the back door of the car. 

“Meds kicking in already?” You asked. 

“Yep. Big time. Plus I know if I lay down in your lap you’ll play with my hair.” He said, raising his eyebrows in question. 

“I don’t remember making that deal, now.” You answered, knowing that yes, you would play with his hair if he laid in your lap. 

Josh started the car up again and rerouted the GPS. “Josh, I didn’t even see if you needed a break, want me to drive any?” You asked. 

“No no, you coddle him. I’m good to go. Had me my strawberry sundae so I’m ready for the next 200 miles, baby.” He said, placing his sunglasses over his eyes and pulling out of the lot. 

Jake finished his oversized blizzard and put the cup in the door, curling his legs up underneath him as he laid his head onto your lap. He then fished around behind him for your hand that was once again holding your book, grabbed it, and threw it on his own head. “Pleeease?” He whined. 

You giggled, knowing he wanted you to play with his hair. So you obliged, holding your book in your left hand and pulling through his long silky strands with your right. 

You didn’t even notice him on his phone at first, but your eyes inadvertently popped down to his screen below your book. You saw the name Carson, and immediately your stomach fell. They’re still talking? What could they be messaging about? But you couldn’t say a word. It wasn’t your place. 

“Ya know Jake, with your peach fuzz mustache growing in and your hair getting longer by the day, you might actually turn into a pirate by the time we get back home.” You laughed. 

“Mmm, you’d like that wouldn’t you?” He said flirtatiously look up at you. 

“Uggghhhhhh…gross.” Josh said from the front. “Don’t make me turn the music up louder cause I will.”

“I’m thinking about cutting it. I miss how bouncy it was. Now it just sticks to my face when I sweat. I hate pulling it off my neck during shows.” Jake went on, his voice getting sleepier. 

“But that’s what they love, Jake. Haven’t you seen all those crazy people on your TikTac or whatever that things called? Wanting to collect your sweat in fucking vials and shit?” Josh yelled. 

“Oh my God, Josh!” You laughed hard. 

“What? I can’t help it that I’m a super fuckin’ sexbeast on stage! It’s not my fault…” Jake laughed, obviously feeling himself from the medication and overload of sugar.

“My god, you two are insane. And don’t call yourself a ‘sexbeast’ ever again.” You mumbled, going back to your book. You rode on for a little bit, feeling a bit drowsy yourself. Your eyes kept flitting open and closed while the words began to jumble. 

Suddenly you saw a finger flick down onto your page. “Ya like it so far?” Jake asked through a yawn. 

You smiled. “Yeah, I’m really into it. I hope you don’t mind I borrowed it…” you said, realizing you never asked. 

“What’s mine is yours, babe. And that is one of my favorites.” He said, tucking his hand between your thighs, and curling up on your lap again, letting himself drift off into a much needed slumber. You traced the plains and curves of his face with your fingers, letting them drag over his eyebrows and down the slope of his nose. Even in his sleep he would whine at the pleasant feeling, leaning into your touch. You loved him. More now than ever before. The thought of losing him, showing you everything you already knew, in a whole new light.

An hour or so passed and you somehow manage to stay awake, the upbeat lull of Josh’s quirky playlists keeping your mind piqued. 

“Almost home, you wanna drop Jake off at the house then take me to the office to get my car?” Josh asked, turning the music down. 

“Yeah, that sounds good to me.” You said, placing a dog ear on your page and setting the book on the floorboard. 

A bit later you pulled onto your street, the sun beginning to dip low in the sky. You jostled Jake awake as best you could. “Hey Jake, we’re home. You wanna go ahead inside? I’m gonna take Josh back to his car.”

He stretched, rubbed his eyes, and nodded. “Yeah, I’ll get the bags and stuff out.” You all slinked out of the car, stretching your legs after the long ride. 

“Ahh, feels good to be back in the non frigid temperature, eh guys?” Josh said, helping to pull your suitcases from the back of the car. “I’ll get it brother. You don’t need to get winded.” He handed him a small bag, and wheeled his larger one up to the door. 

“I’ll be back in just a bit.” You told Jake as you placed your suitcase inside the front door. 

You switched Josh out to take the driver’s seat, adjusting the chair and mirrors a bit to fit your liking. This was going to be your first time alone with Josh, and you wondered if Jake had mentioned anything. 

You’d been on the road just a few minutes before he spoke up. 

“You know, you guys don’t have to keep the charade up when you’re around me, right?” He asked, breaking the ice. 

Fuck. Of course Jake told him. 

“Ah, Jake had a little conversation with you, didn’t he?” You said, flipping the blinker to turn into traffic. 

“He did. I’m still not very happy with you, Y/N. I hope you know. Sam either.” He said blankly. Ouch. Would you ever stop hurting Josh, too? 

“I know you’re not, Josh. I wouldn’t be happy with us either. Hell, I’m still so mad at myself I can hardly see straight.” You were both quiet for a bit before you decided to keep going. 

“I know there’s nothing I can say to fix it, except that I hope you know that Jake and I have talked through everything, for the most part. He knows and I know that I made a huge mistake. I can’t go back and change anything, so I’m just going to take my mistake and grow from it. I’m really ready to grow up now, Josh. I have to. I have to be the person he needs, and the person that I need. I’m going to start working on myself, fixing my faults and moving toward better days.” You were quiet again. 

“I hope you know how much I love him.” You mumbled, wishing that Josh would say something. Anything. 

“I do. And I know how much he loves you. Even though I can’t believe the shit that went down, with Sam and everything, I know that you guys will figure it out. You have to.” 

You nodded. “Thanks, Josh. Remember you can stay mad at me for as long as you need. But I’m still going to keep being here for him. And for you guys.” 

“I know you are. You’re family, remember?” He muttered. 

You glanced at Josh, a tiny smile on his lips. 

“Yeah, family.” You smiled, holding your hand out to hold his. He grasped it back, squeezing it tightly, and placed a tiny kiss to your knuckles. 

“I have a question, though. Well, a condition, maybe. An option?” Josh said. 

“Ha ha, yes?” 

“Start coming to yoga with me. Take some classes. You said you wanted to work on yourself, what better place to start than right here?” He said, reaching his hand over and touching the spot right below your breastbone. 

“No, Josh, I can’t! I’ve never done yoga…” you went on, surprised at his proposition as you put the car in park in the lot. 

“So? That doesn’t matter. Yoga is an actual journey, and I’m telling you right now, it’ll help you get in touch with yourself quicker than any self-help podcast or whatever. Come with me. I’ll even go back to beginner classes with you.” He said. 

You considered it, biting your cheek into your mouth. “You really think it would help me?”

“I know it will help you. I promise. And, it feels good. Every single time you leave, you’ll wonder why you didn’t start sooner. And you’ll get to hang out with me, and what’s better than that?” He joked. 

You giggled, punching him on the shoulder. “Okay, I guess I could try it out. Yeah, let’s do it.” 

“Perfect! It’s settled then!” He leaned over to kiss your cheek. “I’m still very disappointed in you, but I’m also excited. When we go back on the road, I have some great classes on YouTube I use.”

He climbed out of the car, letting the cool rush of air cut through the blowing heat from the vents. “See you later!”

Hmm, you, a yogi?

JAKE POV

Walking back into your home after the past few weeks felt eerie. The walls felt warm and welcoming, but the darkness is what got you. After lying in a hospital for days, all you really wanted was to be back in your home, with Y/N, a fire going, music playing, and life happening all around you. 

You walked yours and Y/N’s suitcases to your bedroom, switching on all the lights as you did so. You lifted the suitcases, placing them on the bed so you could unpack a little later. A cough rattled through your chest, sending tiny shooting pains into your lungs, but not nearly as bad as it hurt a few days ago. 

You could still feel the lethargy, the exhaustion, and the body aches hanging in your body, and you knew they were right. You needed rest. No way you could go back out on the road right now. 

You walked around the house, ready to pick up the little messes you’d left behind before you left. But there were none. In fact, the place was so clean you could eat off the floor. The floor…had the wood been shined? You walked to the bathroom. Spotless. Shower scrubbed, laundry done, bedsheets changed with folded extras in the closets…what the hell? It almost felt sterile…

You decided you’d talk to Y/N about that when she got home. In the meantime, your fingers were itching to play something, so you decided to go into the study and turn on the fireplace, drifting away playing that new tune you had written in the hospital until Y/N got back. 

You walked into the study, finding that your acoustic wasn’t in its normal place. Oh, you’d taken it upstairs to hide away forever in the closet. Back when things were bad. Back when the guitar held horrible memories. 

You ran up the stairs and pulled it from the closet, also in a different place than you’d left it. 

Fuck. 

You made your way back downstairs, completely winded, and sat down in your leather chair to check the tuning. It felt so perfect in your hands, your old faithful. Always there when you needed it. You glanced to the desk, as something out of place caught your eye. Small and red…

Wait. Your notebook. The one you’d given to Y/N for Christmas. Sitting right here on your desk. And…a flower laid perfectly on top? Dried and wilted and brown, with only one petal. 

——

You aren't sure how long you'd been sitting there staring at the notebook, it had to be at least an hour. Flipping through the pages reminiscing on all the memories it held. Finding it on the desk felt like someone had ripped your heart out of your chest. Why would she leave this? Did she not want it anymore?

You sat back in your chair twirling the flower stem in your hand. One last petal. One last she loves me. Or maybe she loves me not and that's why she left it? 

You hear the front door open slowly, and seconds later she’s stepping into the house. You continue to sit there, twirling the brown stem in your fingers, just waiting for her to find you.

“Jake, what are you doing babe, you need to get in bed.” she says, tossing her things on the table by the door.

She steps into the study, and as she gets closer she spots the notebook on your lap at the flower in your hand. Her face goes white as she makes the realization.

 “You don’t want it anymore?” you ask.

“No…Jake…” she says, fighting off tears.

“You left it…were you not… were you not going to come back?” you ask, your voice shaking.

“When I left here, we weren’t even speaking Jake, I– I didn’t think you wanted me back here. I thought we were done, over, all of it. I couldn’t take it. I could hardly look at it. Just reminded me how badly I betrayed you. What I did to us.” she admits.

“The flower. You left one petal…” you question.

“I just…wanted to tell you I loved you one last time.” she replies quietly.

You run your hand over your face. It’s time. You have to tell her.

You stand up from the chair, and reach your hand out to her, letting her clasp her hand with yours as you lead the two of you to your bedroom.

You lead her to the end of the bed, and she sits as you kick off your shoes and flannel. You join her on the edge of the bed, taking a deep breath. “I need to talk to you. I need to tell you something. I’ve needed to tell you for a few days, but… I just couldn’t find the right time.” you say.

Her face drops, and you wonder what she's thinking. 

“You know that whole night… it’s kind of a blur to me. I really don’t remember much of it. I think I was just so mad initially about you and Sam, that I kind of blocked out everything else. My brain was only focusing on that hurt.” you start.

She nods her head as you continue, grabbing her hands in yours, “I don’t remember much of what happened in that hotel room with them. Part of me tried to just forget the whole thing ever happened, but a few days ago, Elle texted me.” 

Her eyes widened at her name, “Yeah?”

“Yeah. She, apologized for kind of pushing the limits, so to speak. At first I had no idea what she was talking about, so I told her that. And well, she told me what happened.” you say, pulling your phone from your pocket. You scroll to your messages with Elle and hand the phone to her, to let her read for herself.

You watch as she reads the messages, her brow furrowing and relaxing a few times over before she reaches the end. She looks over at you, a confused look on her face. 

“You don’t remember any of that?” she asks.

“No, well, I didn’t but, now I kind of do. Bits and pieces.” you confess. “I’m so sorry. I…I wouldn’t have been such a dick if I had known that… I don’t know… that I was probably going to do it too. How could I be mad at you if I was going to do the same thing? I– I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sorry, Y/N.”

“Jake… It’s not the same. I went behind your back. There was no conversation between us where you said it was okay for me to do that... I cheated on you. It’s different because I knew you two were probably going to hook up and I was okay with it. Do you not remember our conversation about it, either?” she asks.

“Not much…” you breathe.

“Jake, I told you right as you got that phone call from Josh. I told you it was okay. I told you I knew things with you and her were looking like they were heading that way. I gave you a free pass, I told you I trusted you both. I’m not mad baby, I gave you permission.” she says, rubbing her hand up your arm. “I thought you knew that…”

“Did I…tell you, you could…?” you ask, hoping she knows what you’re asking.

“No. We never finished the conversation. Your phone rang, and then you left. Part of me thought maybe, you kind of had? We never spoke the words, but we both sort of acted like we were going to…ya know. Switch, I guess. But I don’t know, the second it happened I knew what I was doing was so wrong. The biggest mistake I’ve ever made. I shouldn’t have stayed. I should have left with you. I know that now. But I had to learn the hard way.”

“Y/N…” you say, running your hand over her shoulder. 

“Why aren’t you mad baby? The guilt has been eating me alive for days…I feel like you should be mad at me.” you say.

“Because Jake, I knew that you two were probably going to. I came to terms with it the second the two of you started making out. It hurt a little, but I knew it was just a one time thing. I knew you loved me, and you were coming home to me. You promised me that. What did I have to worry about?” she pauses. “But… the weed, the alcohol… it got to me. I took things past where they should have gone. And I ruined it. I ruined everything we built.”

“You had every right to do what you did that night Jake. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but…I hope that maybe one day…” she trails off. 

You twist your fingers with hers as you bite your lips together. “One day.”

“That’s why I feel like we need space from each other. So that you can process and have time to figure out what you want. So maybe you can forgive me. It’s easy for us to fall back into our same pattern if I am here everyday, and around to tempt you. If I’m gone, maybe you’ll realize that this isn’t what you actually want, or maybe we will both realize it is. I don’t know, do you know what I’m trying to say?” she says. “None of this makes sense, it’s like there’s not a correct road to take.”

“Y/N…I completely understand. But, can I ask you a question?” you ask.

“Yeah…” she breathes.

“Do you love me?” you ask.

“Yes, I do.” she replies.

You nod, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me?” you ask nervously.

“Every single second.” she replies.

“So why would you walk away from that?” you ask.

“I…I just want to give you space to figure out if that's what you want, Jake…”

“Baby, I have known that since the night you picked those glass shards out of my hands. There’s nothing left to figure out.” you reply.

“So please. Don’t go because you think it’s what I want, or what I need. What I need is you. Always you. I know I need time to forgive you, but that’s something I am willing to work on together. I want you to have your space though, so I am fine with you staying in the guest room, as long as you want. We can follow all your rules, and shit, I don’t even care if you add ten more. I’ll follow them. All of them. I just… I know what I want, and it’s you and it will always be you.” you finish.

She wraps her arms around your neck and pulls you into her. You wrap your arms around her and pull her down to lay back onto the bed. You hold each other there for a few minutes, just feeling each other closely as your bodies melt into one. 

It’s quiet, just the sounds of your breathing filling the air in the dim room. Your room. The room you hoped to share with her again one day. You would. You just knew. 

Her phone alarm began to echo through the house, bouncing off of the walls and into your ears as she pulled away from you. You held her hand as she pulled away walking towards the door to grab her phone. The alarm stopped and you heard her make her way into the kitchen before returning back to the bedroom with a glass of water. 

She came back to the bed, standing between your parted legs, “How about you take a shower, and get in bed, while I find something for you to eat before you take these pills.”

“Is it time already?” you ask.

She grabs your hand and pulls you up from the bed, shooing you off to the shower, as she disappears through the door. 

You had to admit the shower felt good. As much as you hated postponing the first leg of tour, there was nothing quite like being home. You ran your towel through your hair and pulled on a pair of boxers before making your way back to the bed, and pulling back the duvet. Sliding into your own bed felt like heaven. You opened your side table to grab the TV remote and stopped when you saw her photo.

Fuck.

You had forgotten you took it out of your wallet. You pulled it out, tattered around the edges and looked at it. You looked into the drawer again, finding the pick, right where you left it. Thank god. How could you have ever been that mad?

You quickly got up, finding your jeans on the floor, and fishing out your wallet. You hastily put the items back where they belonged, and jumped back into bed before she came back. 

You grabbed the remote and turned on the TV, seeing it still paused on the documentary you started a few weeks ago, but at the end, not the beginning where you left it. Did she finish it?

Seconds later Y/N walked back into the room, carrying a plate.

“Best we had. We need to go to the store.” she laughed. 

“We can go. Do you want to go tomorrow?” you offered.

“I will go. You need to stay in bed and rest.” she says.

“But I want to go do something…I’ve been in bed for days…” you whine.

“Okay, maybe.” she concedes.

“Make sure you take those after you eat, okay? Almost done with them. Two more days I think.” she says, pointing to the pills on the nightstand. 

“I will.”

“Okay…I’ll see–” she says, slowly walking to the door. 

“Wait! Are we…not gonna see what Scully’s solution is?” you ask, hoping she would come back.

“Jake…” she groans, leaning into the door frame.

You nod towards the TV, bringing up the episode you stopped on. 

“Let me change, and then we can watch one episode. But I’m staying on the other side of the bed, then I am going to the guest room when it’s over.” she says.

“Yes Ma’am.” 

—

A few minutes later she is walking back into your room in a blue silky pajama set, your mouth positively watering as she releases her hair from her bun as she walks to the other side of the bed. 

She pulls back the duvet and slides into the bed, sighing as her head hits the pillow, “God, I forgot how comfy this bed is…”

“Mmhm….” you smirk, biting your lips together as you look at her. 

She turns to look at you, you still examining every inch of her body that she was willing to show you.

“What?” she scoffs.

You smile and shake your head, “Nothing. You’re just…gorgeous.”

“Jake…” she warns.

“I’m not breaking any rules.” you quip.

“Just hit play.” she says, turning back to the TV.

You finished your food and took the pills like she said, and within minutes you start to feel drowsy. You turn off the lamp that was lighting the room, and roll toward the center of the bed to keep watching. 

When the episode ends and she doesn't make a sound, you turn to look at her, only to realize she's been asleep the whole time. You just look at her for a minute, taking in the subtle part of her lips and the way her chest is rising in falling in her deeply content sleep. How could you possibly dream of waking her up?

You pull the duvet up over her shoulders and brush the hair from her face before quietly rolling out of the bed and bringing your dishes to the kitchen. As you place the items in the sink you spot her phone on the counter, and decide to bring it to the bedroom for her. You grab the phone charger she keeps in her purse and quietly plug in her phone and place it on the nightstand next to her head. 

You return back to the bed, and let out a sigh, ready to finally sleep in your own bed. As your eyes close you feel her body move closer to yours, cuddling into your side before going still once again. You wrap your arm around her, and gently kiss her forehead, closing your eyes and finally feeling like things might turn out okay after all. Just you and her, right where you should be.

—

Your eyes open slowly, adjusting to the light of the room as you blink away the sleep. You let out a huge yawn, noting that your deep breath isn’t nearly as painful as it has been. You reach your arm to the other side of the bed to feel for her, but all you’re met with is cold sheets.

You sit up on your elbows looking around to see her phone gone and her side of the bed made. What the hell?

You roll over to your side to grab your phone but see a folded note sitting on top of it. You grab it and rub your eyes before opening it and reading it.

Jake,

Went to meet Logan for breakfast. 

Will be back soon and we can go to the store. 

Next dose of medicine is at 9:45, don’t forget.

xo

You fold the note and set it on your night stand, laying back into your pillow. Logan?

You roll out of bed and into the kitchen, seeing the coffee pot still on and half full, your favorite mug waiting by the machine. You smile to yourself, knowing she took extra time to do that for you. You pour some coffee into the mug and make your way back to the bedroom, rummaging around for a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt, finding everything you’re looking for simply because she did all your laundry. While you were a total asshole to her. While you left her here alone. While she thought you hated her.

God, I fucked up.

You pull the clothes on and make your way to the front porch, settling yourself in the wooden rocking chair as you enjoy the sun on your skin. You scroll aimlessly on your phone for a while, wondering what time she left this morning, and how long you slept after. 

After draining your mug you returned back inside, deciding that if you were going to be banished to your house for a few weeks you would at least be productive. You made your way over to your record cabinet and pulled the entire stack. You made piles by letter and began organizing each one into the appropriate pile, by artist name. 

You must have lost track of time, because the next thing you knew your phone was ringing alerting you that it was time to take your pills. You pulled yourself up from the floor and made your way into the kitchen, grabbing the medicine and a glass of water and following the rules laid out for you. 

You returned back to your study and finished putting the last of the albums into the cabinet, very satisfied that you’d completed a project you’d been wanting to do for a long time. 

You drug yourself into the bedroom to start unpacking your suitcase, taking out the clean items and putting them away until it was time to pack again. As you reached the bottom the tiny white bag laid there just staring at you. Shit. You had almost forgotten about it. Where should you put it?

You grabbed the bag, sitting on the bed and dumping it out into your hand. You held the tiny piece of circular gold metal between your fingers letting the small diamond glint in the light. You imagined what it would look like on her finger, tying her to you forever. You wanted it. You wanted it more than anything. You wondered if you would ever get back to that point with her. You hoped and prayed you would, but for now you needed to hide this away. Somewhere she would never ever find it. 

You stood up and walked into the hallway, spotting your guitar case leaning against the wall. Perfect. You bent down and unlatched the locks, opening it up to see your guitar sitting perfectly nestled in the red velvet confines. You opened the tiny pick slot, and slid the white bag inside, shutting the small slot, and reclosing the case. Safe and sound. You knew the crew guarded this case with their lives. No one was getting their hands on it other than you. You walked the case upstairs to the music room, putting it there with the others, just waiting for their time to play.

You made your way back downstairs, positioning yourself on the couch for a while flipping through TV channels as your stomach rumbled. Shit, you hadn’t eaten yet today.

You drug yourself to the kitchen and began pilfering through the pantry, looking for anything you could eat before you went to the store today to restock. Finding a lone granola bar you scarfed it down, hoping she would be home soon so you could go. 

You took a quick shower and shaved for the first time in days, hoping Y/N wouldn’t be too sad to see it go. As you dressed yourself in fresh clothes, you heard your phone chime on the dresser. 

Danny

11:14am: *Attachment* (4)

Danny

11:14am: I know it’s probably nothing, but didn’t want you to randomly see these scrolling through socials. They’re eating her alive in the comments…

What?

You opened the attachments seeing screenshots from social media of photos of Y/N and Logan, from what had to be this morning. Comments about her being with someone else, or speculating on her cheating on you. People wondering who that guy is since she wasn’t with you… Photos showing them walking together with his arm over her shoulder, at what seemed to be a farmers market. Photos of them eating this morning. To be fair, it didn’t look good, but after everything last night, surely it wasn’t what it seemed. You had a nauseous feeling in your stomach, but you pushed it away, knowing that she loves you, and only you. She told you. Right?

You

11:18am: Thanks dude. 

You tossed your phone on the bed, pacing the room for a second as you tried to let the negative thoughts leave your head. In a split second decision you decided to call Josh, grabbing your phone again and hitting call. 

The line rang out until you were met with his voicemail, groaning and throwing it onto the bed once again. You carried yourself to your study, turning on the TV again and starting a documentary knowing she would be home any second. 

Your phone buzzed on the couch next to you, picking it up, you saw her name. 

Y/N

11:27am: Hey, Wanda from next door just called me. She was confused why we were home early since she was going to keep our mail for us until the end of April. Anyways we were talking and I told her you got sick and we came home so she wouldn’t need to get the mail anymore – all that to say she is making you ‘get well soon’ muffins. So check the porch in a little bit. Be home soon!

You

11:29am: Thanks baby

When another hour passed and your stomach continued to growl, you snatched your keys off the counter and drove to Publix, buying any and every item that looked even remotely appetizing. As you walked the aisles you dreamed about the sandwich you were going to make when you got home, piling it so high that it might be physically impossible to eat it. 

Your phone buzzed in your pocket as you perused the wine selection, needing to refill your stash with her favorites. You placed them into the cart as you pulled your phone out, seeing her name on the screen once again. You swiped your thumb across the notification, expecting to see that she was on her way home, but instead you were met with the opposite.

Y/N

1:10pm: Running longer than I thought. I’ll be back soon! ❤️

Right.

You shoved your phone back into your pocket and headed towards the checkout. You swiped your card and made your way back to your car, filling the trunk to the brim. As you pulled up to the house to see that she still wasn’t there, you felt your face grow warm. You spotted the muffins on the porch, smiling and telling yourself to walk over and say ‘thank you’ as soon as you could. You carried all the groceries and the muffins inside and put them away, finally able to make yourself that sandwich and of course have a muffin.

The day continued to tick by and Y/N still hadn’t come home. Part of you started to worry if she was okay. Around 2:45 you took your next dose of pills, retiring to your bedroom for a much needed nap. Even the simplest of tasks were exhausting you. You knew the guys made the right call postponing the shows. There’s no way you could have played a show in a few days. 

You scrolled on your phone for a while, eventually falling asleep as the TV played in the background. 

The chime of the security system woke you up, and you sat up instantly knowing she was probably home. You looked at your phone. 4:03pm. Damn.

You stood up from the bed and walked over to the bedroom door, leaning into the frame as you watched her kick off her shoes and coat, arms full of various paper and plastic bags and a bouquet of flowers. 

You crossed your arms and looked at her as she finally saw you standing there, dropping most of the bags and the flowers as she stared back at you.

“How was your breakfast date…” 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

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[stranger-fanfiction-n-things]

CHAPTER 3: HOLLY, JOLLY

This is an Original Character fanfiction. All Stranger Things characters and content are owned by Netflix and The Duffer Brothers.

a/n: We do not take what Jonathan did lightly and neither does Diana.

Warnings: Bullying.

Word Count: 2122

Masterlist

PART I || PART II || PART III || PART IV

HAWKINS HIGH 

The day goes by in a blur. I don’t remember what I learned in my classes today because I can only think about Barb. If something happened to her—My body is pushed to the side and I squeak staggering on my feet. 

“Sorry!” Jonathan says, holding my arms to steady me. 

Jonathan. I forgot mom wanted me to talk to him today. 

“It’s okay, I’m glad I found you.” I respond with a small smile. 

“Oh…” he says, fixing his buttoned shirt. 

I give Jonathan a quick once over, feeling a pit in my stomach. Jonathan looked like he was slowly spiralling. His hair was sticking out in all directions from running his hands through it too much. I know the Byers don’t have a lot of money, but they were always put together…Jonathan’s clothes looked like he threw them all haphazardly. The bags under his eyes are what stuck out to me the most. I’ve known Jonathan since we were little kids. Despite our little brothers being best friends, Jonathan and I don’t hang out one on one like Nancy and I do. The only time I have was freshman year, last year. I was his model for his photography project. We took a lot of photos at the park some regular, others with me in my pointe shoes, doing various poses and positions. The photos came out beautifully and Jonathan gave me a couple to keep for myself. Mom framed it and put it on the fireplace.

“I just wanted to know how you’re doing. I’m sorry for not checking in sooner.” I shake my head. “I didn’t know how.” 

“It’s been…rough.” He says, avoiding eye contact. “My mom isn’t doing so well.” 

“I can only imagine what you’re going through. I hope you know we’re here for you.” 

“Thanks, Diana. It means a lot.” 

I bow my head, pursing my lips. “My mom made cookies for you guys yesterday and she stopped by, but your mom wasn’t home. She left them on the porch.” 

“Oh yeah. My mom got them,” he said with a small laugh. It sounded forced. “I only had a few. They were really good. Tell your mom I said thanks…from both of us.”  I can tell it pained him to say both because they are a family of three. 

“I will.” 

Jonathan shifts from side to side. “Um, do you need a ride? I can drive you home.” 

What is it with boys offering me rides? 

“You live on the opposite side of town.” I point out. 

“I know, but I don’t mind. Really.”

I sense Jonathan doesn’t want to be alone and nod my head. “Thank you. That’s very nice of you.” 

As we approach Jonathan’s car, I am surprised to find Steve, Carol, Tommy H and another girl, who I don’t recognize standing around. I am immediately filled with dread, having spent the entire day avoiding them. Steve watches Jonathan with a scowl on his face and pushes himself off the car, walking toward us. 

“Hey, man.” He greets Jonathan. It’s as if I don’t exist. 

Jonathan swallows, eyes scanning the group. “What’s going on?” 

“Nicole here was telling us about your work.” 

“We’ve heard great things.” Carol says sarcastically. Tommy H and Nicole smile, but it looks more like a sneer. 

“Yeah, sounds cool.” Tommy H adds.

I squint not understanding what’s going on. 

“And we’d just love to take a look. You know, as…connoisseurs of art.” 

Jonathan pushes pass Steve to his car. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“Oh, no?” Steve asks. 

Tommy H quickly snatches Jonathan’s bag from his shoulder, throwing it to Steve who catches it with ease. Jonathan goes to Tommy H who bumps him in the chest, antagonizing him. 

“Hey!” I shout, marching to separate them. 

Tommy H stares down at me, like I’m an insect. “You hanging out with freaks and perverts now, Sinclair?” He taunts. 

I ignore him, pushing Jonathan away. Tommy H smirks at me as if he’s in on some inside joke I’m not sure about. 

“Please, give me my bag.” Jonathan stammers. Steve begins to unzip his backpack. “No just…” 

“Man, he is totally trembling.” Steve muses, “He must really have something to hide.” Steve pulls out a stack of paper. “Here we go.” 

“Let me see.” Tommy H says and Steve hands him half the stack. He’s glaring at Jonathan and I’m wondering what has him so mad. 

Tommy H flips through the paper, scowling as he goes. He looks up at Jonathan in disgust. “Dude. Yeah, this isn’t creepy at all.” 

Jonathan shifts from side to side. “I was looking for my brother.” 

It’s then I realize these are photos. Carol takes some out of Tommy H’s hand to look for herself. She pops her gum obnoxiously wearing the same disgusted look on her face. I swallow, glancing at Jonathan. He looks so uncomfortable; I fear the worse about the photos. 

“No. This is called stalking.” Steve snaps. 

“Give those back.” I demand. I don’t know what those photos are, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for everyone to be seeing, Especially if they are supposedly that bad. 

“You defending this creep?” Steve spat. 

“I’m not defending him. Just—” 

“There’s some of you too, you know.” Steve says, cutting me off. He hands me a stack of photos. 

I take the photos flipping through them. He wasn’t lying. There were photos of me by the pool while I was dancing by myself. Some with me and Barb sitting on the lawn chairs. Some of me in the Scorpion pose in front of the group. I see the grimace on Tommy H and Carol’s faces and am instantly transported to that moment last night. The feeling of embarrassment creeps up my spine. My stomach is in knots. From the corner of my eye, Jonathan is looking at me. I can’t believe he’d do this. Part of me feels betrayed and foolish. I was consoling him about his brother and he was…I rip the photos in my hands, shoving them in my bag. 

“This is so inappropriate for everyone to be looking at, don’t you think?” 

“What’s going on?” 

I turn around and see Nancy approaching us. I haven’t seen her since lunch. This day just keeps getting more and more worse. 

“Here’s the starring lady.” Tommy H announces with a smirk. 

Nancy arches her brow. “What?” 

“This creep was spying on us last night.” Carol responds, gesturing to Jonathan. She pulls a photo and hands it to Nancy. I glare at the red-head, shaking my head. “He was probably going to save this one for later.” 

Nancy takes the picture and I can tell by the look on her face and the flush in her cheeks, the photo is less than pleasant. She looks at Jonathan who avoids her stare. Steve rolls the photos in his hands. Usually, Steve is happy and aloof at school, but right now he looks menacing as he approaches Jonathan. 

“See, you can tell that he knows it was wrong, but…” he fixes Jonathan’s shirt, wiping off imaginary dust off his shoulders. “Man, that’s the thing about perverts. It’s hardwired into them. They can’t help themselves.” Steve rips the photos in his hands, throwing them on the ground. I watch Steve walk back to Jonathan’s bag by the car. “So, we’ll just have to take away his toy.” He opens the bag pulling out Jonathan’s camera. 

“Steve.” Nancy mutters.  

Jonathan charges for Steve but is quickly pushed back by Tommy H. 

“No, please, not the camera!” 

“Tommy. Tommy.” Steve cautions. “It’s okay.” He coos, walking to Jonathan. He hands him the camera. “Here you go man.”

Jonathan goes to take it from his hand, but Steve is faster and drops the camera on the ground. My jaw drops as the lens cover pops out and bits of the camera shatters. Tommy H laughs and Steve stares at the ground. I notice he avoids looking at Jonathan. There’s a flicker of sorrow behind his eyes but it’s gone as soon as it appears. 

“Come on, let’s go. The game’s about to start.” 

Nicole follows behind Steve and Carol rips up the remaining photos dropping them on the ground in front of Jonathan. Tommy H saunters toward him. 

“Boo.” He whispers. 

Tommy H then turns to me and grins triumphantly and makes sure to brush me when he walks away. When everyone is gone, Jonathan immediately drops to the ground reaching for his camera. I drop to my knees picking up the remnants of the photos. I see bits and pieces of Nancy in what I assume is Steve’s room and clench my jaw, snatching them from the ground before they flew away. Nancy drops to the ground beside me picking up a few scraps. I assume she’s helping until Steve calls her name. She looks at me and Jonathan before apologizing. I watch her hurry to Steve and walk with him towards the school. 

I continue to pick up the photos trying my best to avoid looking at them too much just wanting to get rid of them. My eyes betray me at the sight of another photo of me dancing by the pool by myself. If the photo was taken in better circumstances, I would’ve found it pretty. I crumple the picture in my hands shaking my head. 

“Jonathan…” I groan. 

“It’s not what it looks like!” 

I stare at him in disbelief. “It doesn’t look like you’ve been taking unsolicited photos of us?”

Jonathan shakes his head. “No—” I scoff standing to my feet, walking to the nearest trash can. “Diana I can explain.” He calls from behind.  

I look back at him, feeling nothing but disappointment and anger. Anger about Nancy, Barb, Steve Tommy H, Carol, Nicole now Jonathan and these photos. I feel like everything is coming at me in all directions and I don’t know what to do.

“I was giving you my condolences for Will and you had these in your bag the entire time!” I shout, waving the scraps in my hands.  

“I’m sorry, okay!” Jonathan cries, rushing toward me. 

I scoff throwing the photos in the trash. “You developed them, Jonathan.”  That was the worst part about it. It’s one thing to take the photos, but to develop them. For what? For what reason? 

“I know, I know!” Jonathan exclaims. “I didn’t…I just…” he runs his fingers through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. I know he feels bad, but I don’t care. 

“How long were you standing there taking photos of us? Some of these photos are of…” I look around before continuing. “Nancy taking off her shirt.” I hiss quietly at him. 

“I was looking for my brother and then I heard screaming and ran thinking it was my brother, but then I saw Tommy and Carol—”

“Oh, my god.” 

“I don’t know why I did it! There’s no excuse for it. I messed up.” 

“I am so…” I clench my hands into tight fists and squeeze my eyes shut. My chest feels tight. “Ugh.” I stomp the ground. “I can’t even think straight. You boys are so…so…stupid!” 

“I’m so sorry, Diana.” 

I open my eyes and take a deep breath finding Jonathan looking at me. I notice the bags under his eyes and how disheveled and stressed out he looks. He’s been through a lot the past few days, but it’s no excuse to do something like this. He looks down at his camera, toying with the cracked lens. For as long as I’ve known Jonathan, he’s never without his camera and now with Will gone, I know he has been more attached to it now, more than ever. 

“Let me see,” I sigh, extending my hand. Jonathan looks at me for a moment, but hands me his camera. 

I inspect the damage. It’s bad. He definitely won’t be able to use the camera anymore. Part of me thinks he deserved the confrontation, but the other part doesn’t think Stee had a right to break his camera. That was going overboard. Nonetheless…

“Steve didn’t need to break your camera to prove his point.” I begin, handing the camera back to him. “But honestly, it was justified. You invaded his privacy too, Jonathan.” 

When he doesn’t reply. I shake my head, fixing my bag on my shoulder. From the corner of my eye, I see someone coming towards us and I brace myself for round two, but when I turn, it’s Nancy. She’s speed walking and there’s a worried look on her face. Nancy touches my arm and pulls me. 

“I need you to come with me,” she whispers.

#stranger things rewrite #black fem reader #stranger things fic #stranger things #dianasinclair #eddie munson x black!reader #steve harrington x black!reader #eddie munson x female reader #steve harrington x fem!reader #sinclair!reader #eddie munson x reader #steve harrington x reader

[robs-corner-of-the-internet]

Dear friend,

if anyone is out there and reading this then hi! this is my little part of the world where i can talk about the stuff that i cant tell anyone about irl. My name is Rob and im 15 years old. Im anorexic, i also have depression, anxiety and adhd :D Fun ikr?/j. But yeah its a lot to deal w and i just needed somewhere to talk about it all and here we are.

Ive had ana for about 2 years now but ever since i moved to my mom its been good and bad periods. Right now you could say im in a "bad period", just meaning that i dont want to get better. Honestly I wish that i could be normal but i just got a scale and i cant imagine gaining weight and being able to see each kg i gain.. I also just get nauseous when i eat literally anything so i would rather not.

My depression also has good and bad periods and sometimes i just want to give up but i cant bc then i get behind on school work. Ive been feeling like im holding my head just above the water, waiting for someone to help me but no one ever does. That was awfully depressing but it really is true! Ive been getting worse and i even started hurting myself again. some days i get this overwhelming sad feeling and it consumes me until theres nothing i can do but cry, dissociate or hurt myself. The worst part is that this happens in school quite a lot and most times i go non-verbal too. I am just very exhausted and i want this all to be over soon. I wish that life was like a movie so that you could stop it and watch something else once in a while.

There is a lot of bad things to talk about but there is some good too! I have recently gotten into DnD for example. Its very fun but a lot to learn. I am going to be DM for a group of new players while i am as well a new player so its a bit scary. I am very excited about it still! Some of my other interests are reading, writing, listening to music, sleeping, observing, and musical theater/theater. I like mitski, rain, big theif, the cranberries, The perks of being a wallflower, Aristotle and dante discover the secrets of the universe, Dead poet society, smoking, and going on walks. some things about me are that i go to a waldorf school, i live in sweden, i have a gf (<33), im greyace, i acually have good grades (whatt:0), and basically my whole wardrobe is thrifted!

Anyways, back to the bad-ish stuff! Okay well this isnt all "bad" but i am going to be posting pro-for-me ana stuff cuz i need somewhere to share it all so here is some of that. cgw - 37kg (updated in bio) ugw - 35kg (or just basically as low as possible) lw - 37 cw - 38.3 (updated in bio) cbmi - 15.7 (updated in bio)

So rn im not acually counting my cals bc i feel that its easier to just not eat during the day and then if i really have to ill eat dinner (cuz of my mom). So far its working, i just wish i lived by myself. Everything would be so much easier.

Sorry this was a lot longer than i thought it would be:o Hope you enjoyed hearing a bit about mee and i hope ur having a good day/night<3

//Love always, Rob

#@na #th1n #boy ana #ed behaviour tw #ed meals #ed not ed sheeran #th1n$pø #ed vent #ed relapse #ed not sheeren #actually mentally ill #mental illness #tw depressing thoughts #tw depressing stuff #sorry for being depressing

[cpunkwitch]

answering my own questions

[pt: answering my own questions]

dont really get sent anything and not many people sent in the questions when the games were posted and reblogged, and i wanted to talk about stuff, so here we are.

this might end up being a multiple part post series?

ask game one (link)

(if comfortable) tell us about your condition? as much info as youre comfy with sharing.

i have a defect in the base of my spine, since i was born its caused me chronic pain all throughout my development and in recent years its only gotten worse, twisting my spine, headaches, jaw issues etc. i've also got highly suspected rheumatoid arthritis, fibromyalgia and ive been diagnosed with a pretty bad case of anemia so bad that everytime a doctor looks at my results after bloodwork they give me a pained look and say "heyy...did you know your iron is low? like...really really low?". that and a hand full of other things, vitamin deficiencies, etc. i dont mind talking more about this

2. do you know about the spoon theory? if yes, what do you think of it?

i'll be honest, the majority of my knowledge of spoon theory off the top of my head is that "drawer with limited supply of spoons" is the disabled way of saying i only have so much motivation and energy (phys, as "battery" usually refers to social and emotional) in me. i've read up on it ages ago but would not be able to put into better words what i still remember about spoon theory (esp since we had a different host back then), i like that its just so much quicker and easier to convey my amount of ability to do things for the day by saying whether or not i have the spoons for it.

i do like to joke that my drawer is always stocked with knives and forks for the ablests, but sometimes that requires spoons to handle too. /silly

3. do you have mobility aids? if yes, which ones? if no, do you want any in the future?

i've mention how i really wish i could have a wheelchair if i were in a different situation, i dont know if i'll ever get one and i almost cried when my brother responded to my joke of "would you make on for me?" with an "i would if i could", i really would like a wheelchair of some kind in the future if the world were more accessible and i were in a safer place. right now though, i've just got my cane that still needs repainting. i guess my moms back brace counts too, i take it with me to work sometimes.

4. how did you find out about cripplepunk? what drew you to the community and movement?

i dont exactly remember but i've known about it for years. i (prev host) might have come across it looking up different punk aesthetics, though im not completely sure why it showed up in a punk aesthetic list, possibly because its punk and people misinterpreted it? my first glimpse was seeing patches on jackets, spiked customized aids, cripples/phys disabled people in your classic punk attire (piercings, dyed spiked mohawks, ripped jeans and fingerless gloves) and i loved it. im a sucker for self expression through appearance and customizing things and then when i found out it was a whole community for support and centered around being physically disabled in general and slowly came to terms with my own disabled body and started accepting myself, i kinda fell in love with cripplepunk in the "this feels like home" sense.

i could probably ramble way more but i'll stop there.

5. if you deal with any kind of pain, what's your method of pain management?

i use hot packs, ice packs, voltaren cream, sometimes i take a cbd gummy, i do little stretches when i remember them, i take walks and hot baths/showers, im trying to go back to the chiropractor and my favourite instructors in rehab (theyre trans friendly and complimented my cane when i first came in with it i love them so much), and i take whatever meds i can, normally anti-inflammatory like ibuprofen but because i cant swallow pills i either take liquid (yeah, childs liquid meds works, the couple hours of mild relief is still worth it) or powdered tylenol or something. the hot/cold stuff depends on the pain and where on my body the pain is.

6. do you stand or sit in the shower or do you prefer baths/find bathing easier rather than showers?

i take baths for my muscles and during the damn monthly ouch in order to relax my body. i take showers just for my shoulders and when im feeling icky and wanna rinse off or something, i take showers on a "regular" basis and i normally stand because the only way i sit is if im crouched in the tub and if i do that i get extra dizzy standing up to get out when i turn the water off. thankfully im no longer near passing out when i take a shower but i still have to sit on the floor matt after because my legs demand rest. i gotta be careful with hot water cuz not only will it make me overheat quickly (i will not realize if in standing in blood-boiling hot water and turning myself into a cooked lobster until after im out) but it can also cause me to literally fall asleep in the bath which can go wrong.

7. do you have a sort of comfort item or safety blanket that helps you feel better, especially on the worst days?

a couple things. a few of them are stuffies/plushies, or music, games or books to help me keep my mind off it i suppose.

8. name 3 things you hate about hospitals/doctors/nurses/the medical system

a) a lot of them refuse to take people seriously or actually listen. sure maybe theyre tired or heard the same shtick before and wanna make sure this person isnt just a drug user trying to pity their way into getting more, but even then all matters a patient presents them with should still be taken seriously and never brushed off or mocked.

b) the fact that the er, the place you take a ticket and wait, is called the Emergency Room, when its normally scheduled appointments and people taken in by the ambulance that are top priority. sure its called the er because most visits through the er are rushed "emergency" last minute visits, people going there because they couldnt schedule an appointment and needed to see someone on that day, but still it feels wrong to call it the emergency room when its really just a waiting room and regardless of the visit they arent actually treated as emergencies. the whole system of just going to see a doctor feels messed up and most of the time you end up just going to see a nurse, get a check up and leave when they tell you what they got after a talk and examination or they schedule to see you again when a doctor is available. because of this i tend to prefer walk in clinics.

c) the fact that they charge to damn much, no matter if youre insured, it still charges so much. no matter what they do. and yeah, healthcare in canada is free to an extent if youre insured but a lot of times they charge more than your insurance can cover and not everyone can get/has insurance. not to mention the medical debt so many people have in america. i get that staff and hospitals need pay and funding but the government should have that covered and not have the patients charged so much for getting help. i almost got charged over 3k just for my short visit to the ward because there was an issue with my insurance and thats a whole angry story for another time.

9. whats an accessibility tool you wish was more accessible/that you had access to?

one of them is aac, the one i have on my phone i have to disconnect my phone to and has a limited amount of phrases i can pick from. id like it better if the app or just aac programs in general when directly to your device speaker by default, had more options for more ease conversing and none of them were behind a damn pay wall, in-app purchase or otherwise. i rarely use it for several reasons but i'd love if i could use it more with less limitations.

also wheelchair ramps. i dont have a wheelchair ramp but i wish people stopped walking on them when theyre clearly able-bodied, i wished my parents taught me and my siblings what the ramps were for and not to run up and down them as well as other parents to their kids because those things are supposed to be clear for a wheelchair user. i also think the corners should be rounded for ease of turning and that wheelchair accessible paths in general should be firm to the ground (not a wimpy matt on the sand that flips over and gets buried on the beach unmaintained), maintained and cleaned regularly, not have any gaps (ive seen so many of the small ones installed in doorways that have a height gap above the ground which causes trouble getting the wheelchair on the ramp let alone through the damn door) and not have railings made of metal if theyre outside (they can often reflect light into peoples eyes and get too hot to touch in the sun both of which are not good issues to have no matter how small they seem.)

those are at least the first to come to mind.

10. whats the worst accessability cockblock you've seen ableds do/make?

theres quite a few i've seen but atm nothing significant comes to mind other than overpricing mobility aids or placing paywalls in front of aids in general.

however there was the few times in more than one school i went to you had to go to the office, provide a 'valid' reason and ask them for a key to the elevator, otherwise they make you take the stairs. i know they do it because they dont want able-bodied kids messing with it n shit but its stupid, it should be accessible to everyone regardless. thank fuck both collages ive been to so far give free elevator use to any staff or student but in the schools i went to i was only allowed have the access key because i couldnt walk up the steps on my sprained/twisted ankle and i had to give it back at the end of every day. the last school even limited my use to just the morning or 1-2 periods that i had on the second floor. nevermind if my locker was up there.

11. whats an accessibility tool youre very thankful for?

screen readers. my little brother uses/used em more than me and i dont use them too often but im glad they exist in general i used them when i was younger and my english teachers gave us work on the computer, i used it like an audiobook and it helped me majorly. i hate that people dont always provide translations to things and make things harder on screen readers by using coloured, tiny, non-serif font-ed or 'quirked' text but ever since i was a kid i was just as happy they existed as i was about braille.

12. name 3 things you like about hospitals/docs/nurses/the medical system

a) that there are some people there who are actually hoping, willing and ready to listen and help others.

b) that they provide things for kids like toys in the waiting room, people who specialize in caring for kids in the hospital, some doctors even have their office decorated. one doctor i went to had her entire office winnie the pooh themed and it helped me out a lot when i got blood work done n stuff, it was really comforting to stare at pooh bear instead of the sharp pokey in my arm.

c) that things are usually kept quiet with low voices, as it reduces risk of overstimulation as well as avoids hurting anyones head and protects privacy of those talking about whats going on. voices are usually only raised to a normal talking level when in the privacy of a nurse or doctor office and its something i dont see really acknowledged anywhere.

13. do you have any favourite disability rep? (media or character)

not picking from my own sources, when it comes to physical disability rep, its hard for me to pick something that involves a realistic character because most of them arent very well portrayed or i cant personally relate to. i can list Freddy freeman as one, hes a crutch user and how the shazam movie portrayed him does well in expressing what ableism can be like for some visibly disabled kids in school. i could probably list some shows that handle disability well through other means if i thought of them, i know theres a few that handle it through super heros being disabled (the one spider-person who's got both a wheelchair and a cane from the recent spiderverse movie for example) or non-human characters having differences that are implied to be disabilities, and i adore that creativity, especially with showing disabled super heros as it tells disabled kids theyre still strong, not broken, they can still be cool and do great things just like able-bodied people. hard for me to name specific things off the top of my head though, guess i like specific tropes around disability rep more than anything. it helps normalize disability and thats what really makes me happy with it. (thats a big reason why i made @/your-fave-is-crippled)

14. least favourite/worst disability rep?

not phys disabled but sia's fucked up movie right off the bat still angers me. i cant name any specifics once again, normally if theres some rep that i dont like i purposely forget they exist to begin with, they arent worth remembering if they arent gonna do it right, y'know? id rather forget and move on than linger and rage about it if i can help it.

15. list some creators (youtubers/bloggers etc) that are disabled and/or cater to a disabled audience that you enjoy? (if any)

@crippled-pvp, @cripple-culture-is are a couple blogs i follow that i enjoy seeing on my dash (sorry if you dont want to be tagged!)

there was a deaf/hoh girl i used to frequent the content of as she talks a lot about signing and i really enjoyed her videos, shes such a sweet person but i never remembered her name nor any of the other creators i watched/followed. no one else comes to mind atm

16. favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

i like that there are people with advice at the ready, whatever question you have or info you need etc, theres always going to be someone with the words you need. i just like how helpful people can be in general in this community and how easily support is accessed through the community.

17. least favourite aspect about the general disabled community?

the fact that theres in-fighting, fake claiming, judgment, quick assumptions, and general internalized ableism still going on when we're supposed to be a community helping each other out not tearing each other down. im not just talking about the fight over "inclusion vs exclusion" on cripplepunk and other sub/separate communities in the disability community.

18. favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

i think my answer to "what drew you to cripplepunk" also answers this.

19. least favourite aspect about cripplepunk?

honestly? none. i hate the people forcing themselves into a space not meant to include them nor benefits them in the first place. i cant actually think of an issue i have with the cpunk community, only issues with people outside being upset over how "exclusive" it is because they want in.

20. free space:

feel free to ask me about any of my answers! i'll make a second post for the second ask game some other time. its currently 11pm and i have to get up early for morning classes yuck

[ID: banner reading "dni if... proship, transx/id, syscourse/discourse blog, anti-mspec lesbians/gays, anti-lesboy/turigirl more in pinned rentry. this blog is protected by the addams family, the de rolo family and co." in all black lowercase text. It has a grey cloud background. On the left is the De Rolo coat of arms with a cobweb in the top corner and symmetrically flipped on the right is the symbol of Vox Machina with the same cobweb in the bottom corner :End ID]

#cass rambles #disability blogging #actually disabled #physically disabled #cripplepunk #physical disability #cpunk #disabled #cripple punk #cpunk blog #answers

[rikilouvre]

Distaste.

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contains : r-16 (story contains physical violence and bullying) , school / acad rivals / nemeses , student council enhypen jungwon , student council y/n , profanities , family issues , ex-bestfriends , kind of heavy plot , dark theme , semiclear backstory

little description : scenarios of how you deal with your highly competitive classmate / co-student council yang jungwon — someone who's worth a punch in the face for being so obnoxious , hypocritical , annoying , and evil. in short, i like making up fighting scenarios in my head hahahahahaha.

no. of scenarios (word count) : 4 (total of 1.5k)

theme song : IVE – My Satisfaction

everything in this story is fictional.

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"look who finally decided to come!" the student council yang jungwon sarcastically applaud for seeing you attend the urgent meeting the student government decided to have after announcing the night before that there's nothing to be talked about regarding school matters. "how are you irresponsible enough to be up on your phone all night and not know what's going to happen today? you're so incompetent that you don't even deserve to be a part of this whole deal." some officers snickered, some remained quiet. you were too fed up with his daily blabbering and constant interfering with your life that you don't even care to cross boundaries : "oh, yeah? what about you? didn't you come to school late the other day during your defense 'cause you were up all night crying 'cause of your dad who didn't greet you a happy birthday?–" his eyes widened, fists closed tight, he was ready to hurt you at that point but then you opened your mouth again : "–you're involving your life so much into school matter you don't even deserve to be a part of this whole–" he grabbed you by your collar with his two hands, "just know that i'm not afraid to hurt you and destroy your reputation, y/n." other officers were quick to stand up and stop the both of you, but they were too scared of what jungwon is capable of. his grip on you becomes tighter and tighter 'til you feel like you're a few centimeters off the ground, "don't you dare talk about my dad 'cause you know damn well what will happen." with every word he's gritting his teeth, his dark eyes bore into yours — no longer able to see the old jungwon you once had as a bestfriend in elementary. he became completely different after he started having family problems. he became an overachiever and a competent piece of shit. atleast that's how you depict him now. he finally let go of your collar and you struggled to maintain composure after clumsily landing on your feet. "and don't even try to interfere with my life again 'cause you don't know anything about me and what's been happening to my life lately at all. not anymore." you talked back and stabbed his chest with your pointing finger hard enough to make him step his left foot back a little. you walked off, slammed the door shut. even with the heavy atmosphere the meeting room had, you were quite relieved there were no CCTV cameras present there because you know everything would be a lot more complicated if there were.

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"what the fuck?!" on the school corridor, someone pushed you from behind that made you fall onto your knees with the heavy papers you've been carrying towards the faculty office, and everyone was fast enough to have all their eyes on you – some are already having their phones pointed at you and some are whispering and idly reacting – the scattered papers on the ground, and jungwon behind you. "oh no, y/n! didn't your mom teach you to walk properly with your feet? are you that stupid?" you remained still on the ground, he slowly examines you as he walks infront of you. jungwon kicked some of the papers to your face which got quite a lot of vocal reactions from students surrounding the area, "you need help?" he asked in an overly-sweet tone. you quietly picked the papers up and stood back up. face-to-face with your nemesis. with the test papers piled up thick enough, you waited for a few seconds looking at his shit-eating grin before you bashed the papers hard on the side of his head. he almost lost his balance and caress the side of his head in pain, "move, shitface." you shoved his shoulder with class test papers tucked and secured with your arms, you continued walking away.

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"wrong, wrong, correct but you're still wrong for being an asshole to me, wrong, wrong..." jungwon murmurs to himself as he's been given the task to check the test papers you've been carrying around earlier, animatedly marking all your answers wrong due to his hatred for you. someone kindly gave a test paper that you forgot to pick up earlier and told you that they saw someone carry the papers to classroom C-4, and so you went to place it on the teacher's table, where jungwon is. you opened the door – the classroom was empty, the lights were off, the blinds were all closed except for the windows beside the teacher's desk. you had him look at your direction and greet you : "hi, y/n! just in time." he stood up to walk and stand infront of you, holding your paper up to your face marked 0/80, 0% and ripped the paper in two whole pieces slowly and adequately before letting the paper drop onto the floor. and as the paper falls, you slowly started seeing his evil grin that was blocked earlier. you let out a horrified gasp and there started your questions at him : "yang jungwon, why are you doing this to me?" tears immediately started forming on your eyes, like pent-up emotions of sadness and confusion, and you keep on asking yourself where everything went wrong in your 9 years of friendship that was thrown away. "i'm pretty sure you're smart enough to know why, y/n. that's the reason why i'm your classmate, why you're able to even talk to me." before you could even say anything in response, he continued : "2 years ago, you started distancing yourself from me right when you found out about my family problems just because you had yours as well. you knew that you were my only friend, you knew you're the only one i can go to. but apparently, it was too hard for you to make everything according to place. and now you're going to ask me why i'm being like this to you, now you're going to talk shit about my relationship with dad infront of my new friends and ruin my established school reputation. you should be ashamed, y/n. you should be ashamed. "but that is the reason, jungwon. i distanced myself because i didn't want you having a hard time from my problems and you were too narrow-minded to understand that. i understood you and you didn't realize that. and now you think you've changed for the better by downgrading me and thinking of me as a stupid person and mocking my achievements by ripping my midterms examination paper into pieces? you're the one who should be ashamed of yourself. i can't even comprehend how you are where you're standing now with that shitty attitude of yours, like c'mon, you? a fucking student council?" your tears started dropping onto the paper you're holding, blurring the printed ink and smudging tiny portions of the paper. "here, take your paper and mark all of them correct i don't fucking care anymore. if you're gonna continue to act like i wasn't an important part of your life before and don't wanna fix our friendship then just leave me alone. i'm tired of this fuckery we're doing, this stupid nemeses bullshit." you pushed the test paper onto him as he was quick enough to catch it, "that's nice that your reflexes are still fast like when you saved my ice cream from being stolen when we were still hanging out in elementary, remember that? you were the one who stood up for me against those kids picking on me. i never expected you to be the one to shame me infront of the whole school. i hope you're that fast too at realizing you're the problem and not me." you were quick to leave the room feeling extra light.

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and to think he wasn't affected by your emotional speech for him, you were wrong. "good morning everyone, i am yang jungwon and today i'm going to read aloud my school homework which is to make a short message for one my classmates anonymously." and you were lying if you told yourself that that didn't catch your attention.

"you're mean but we once got along, you're a snob but you were really attentive when i needed your advice, you're such a bad and cruel person without even realizing it. i'm sorry but i don't think i'm strong enough to sincerely apologize and restore what we had before — i'm too full of pride, but i'm ready for everyone inside the classroom to know that, even the ones they're gonna tell on. you were a great great friend, maybe even the bestest friend i've ever had. but we grew apart. you think and told me i'm the reason and the one to blame, i thought otherwise in the beginning but i unexpectedly agreed in the end. you know who you are, but after years of constantly bullying you and making you lose your worth, i just wanted to tell you that i made our homework which is a lot more important to me, about you. i found this as an excuse to tell you everything without talking to you directly.—

with a short pause, he gathered air and spoke sternly for his final sentence of his homework.

—refer to this as our 9 years of friendship's closure and from now on i'm going to leave you alone as you requested."

jungwon politely excused himself to your class professor and looked straight at the doorway. a week has passed and he finally announced to the student government that everything was settled and that he was switching schools due to personal reasons, you never heard from him ever again.

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taglist : @lalalalawon (interact with me if you want to be tagged <3)

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#enhypen #enhypen fanfiction #enhypen imagines #enhypen drabbles #enhypen oneshots #enha ff #enha #enha jungwon #enhypen jungwon #yang jungwon #enhypen yang jungwon #jungwon #enhypen fluff #enhypen angst #enha angst #enha scenarios #enha blurbs #enha drabbles #enha au #enhypen au #enhypen smau #enha x reader #enha oneshots

[bmckay1120]

The Healer

Summary: After almost a week Chris Argent is still in Brylee McCall’s care. And both are seeing sides of each other they never thought they would.

Parings: Chris Argent x Brylee McCall

Warnings: Fluff, kissing, some blood, nursing things

*Not my Gif but all my writing!! Also this one runs a bit long!!

Part 4

We fell into a routine of sorts over the next few days. As the lines of his infection slowly started to recede he started to gain strength. He felt good enough to walk on his own. And the second day he was here I decided to take him off of his IV.

It was almost like having a roommate. He was quiet most days. But every now and then something would spark his interest. Something about the house. Or asking about Stiles or someone else in town. When he felt up to it he would ask about the past creatures we had encountered while he was gone. I could see how bittersweet it was for him. How much he loved the place and missed the people. But how hard it was to remember things that were once close to Allison.

Though the comfortable silences were easy to live with. Quietly I cooked while his steady presence remained on my porch. A silent dance ensued between us on the days he felt up to helping me. And on the two days I had patients, he was a soundless bystander who let me get on with my work.

His being at my house was almost more of a comfort than it was an annoyance.

I had finally convinced him to sleep during the day when he felt like it. That part of him that had been scared to sleep or be unaware had disappeared in the last few days. With his body fighting the infection he needed all the rest he could get. Convincing the never still man of this was tough, but eventually I broke through the thick and high walls of his. I also had the help of him not being able to keep his eyes open on a few occasions.

It’s what he was doing now. And I curled on the couch with a book in the small down time I was allowed. Diving into the story, the pages taking me somewhere new and far away from here. A knock disrupted my reading. I hurried for the door before the person could ring the doorbell and wake Chris.

Swinging the door open my mother stood there in all her glory. Holding a bottle of wine and a bag of my favorite popcorn. A smile covered her face, though it started to fade slightly when I didn’t let her in right away.

“Are you going to let me in, or am I just going to stand out here with this bottle,” she asked, only half joking.

I quickly shook myself out of my stupor. “Yeah sorry, come in. Just be quiet, I have a patient resting.”

Her eyes turned understanding as they always did. She did as I asked and set the wine carefully in the fridge, barely making a sound. “So that’s why I haven’t heard from you. I was starting to get worried,” she said in a hushed tone.

“It’s been a tough case. He came in with deep lacerations and an infection set in. I’ve only been able to get his fever down a handful of times. It’s starting to worry me,” I took a seat at one of my bar stools while she leaned over the sink.

“Do you know him?”

Usually I didn’t mind talking about my patients with mom. She was a nurse so she understood most of my situations. But this was a little different. She and Chris had become decent friends once she got over him hunting Scott. I wasn’t sure if him being back would upset her in some way. And I didn’t know if he wanted anyone knowing he was back.

“Kind of,” I settled on. “I’m sorry I haven’t called. How’s Scotty?”

She eyed me for a second, noting how I changed the subject too fast. But she played along with my little game for the time being. “He’s fine. Him and Kyra got a lead on the Dread Doctors, they’re trying to follow it the best they can.”

“What about you? How are you handling things?”

“As best as a mother can with her children running wild,” she gave a small laugh.

I leaned over and let my hand rest on her shoulders, “We’re just doing what you taught us mom.”

Patting my hand she nodded. “It doesn’t look like your patient has let you sleep very much.”

With her hawk-like eyes she never missed anything. How she never found out about Scott turning into a werewolf sooner than she did I will never know. Even with a busy work schedule she never missed a beat in my or Scott’s life. She knew every time we snuck out. Every time we did something bad. Or when we had our first kiss and neglected to tell her about it. She claimed it was her own supernatural power.

I sat back down on the stool looking at the half full coffee pot. I had been through more coffee than ever in these past few days. “He’s had rough nights. He refuses to take any kind of pain killer so all he does is toss and turn trying to get comfortable. Plus I’m still checking his wound and temperature every hour.”

“I can always fill in for a day or two. I’ve got some off time coming up,” she offered. Always looking out for me. Always ready to put in a helping hand.

“No, you need the rest as much as I do. I’ll be okay for now.”

She walked around the counter and wrapped me in a warm hug. Giving me the comfort that only a mother could provide to a child. The embrace that always provided a blanket of safety and comfort.

“If you need anything, just call. I can be here if you need me,” she said, leaning back and pushing a few stray hairs away from my face.

“I will mom.”

I saw her off, waving from the porch as she drove down the bumpy road. Clouds were starting to darken again. It would begin to rain soon. And once more my roads would become a muddy mess.

As I stepped inside Chris was pouring himself a cup of coffee. His graying hair was pointing in a few different directions. It took all of me not to giggle at the sight. I’d never seen him so… disheveled.

His eyes were starting to become clear again. The fog of tiredness, and heavy medication wearing off. “How was your mom,” he asked, taking a long sip of coffee and staring at me over the rim of his mug.

“I thought you were asleep, not eavesdropping,” I quipped. He shrugged, not looking ashamed in the least. I continued before he could ask anymore questions, “You look better. How are you feeling?”

“Good, but sore,” he said honestly.

“Why don’t you sit on the couch and I can take another look at your wound?”

He wordlessly followed me, used to the routine of my checking things. He seemed to be less agitated every time we went through this spell together.

His skin was hot to the touch, which I hated. It was like flames on my fingers every time I brushed against him. Every time we bumped into each other in the kitchen. Every time I pulled his bandage up. Every time I helped him out of or into bed. I knew it was the fever that was doing this. However it sometimes felt as if the flames would transfer to my own skin, and linger long after I had left him.

I pulled the bandage off and for once was pleased with what I saw. The red lines had started to recede. They were almost halfway gone. The puffiness around the wound had lessened. And the stitches were all holding up nicely even as he gained more sense of movement. It was the most improvement I had seen since he was brought here.

“It’s the first time your eyebrows haven’t scrunched together while looking at it,” he said almost too quietly for me to hear.

I looked back into his blue eyes. The ones that were addicting. “It’s looking better for once. You’re finally making some progress. If you didn’t start soon I was going to have to take you into Beacon Hills.”

“If you were so worried, why didn’t you tell your mom about me? I doubt I could fight off both of you while I’m like this.”

I looked down to the couch, trying to hide the blush that took over my cheeks. “I didn’t know who you wanted knowing you were back. And I… I don’t know, I just, I wanted you to trust me.”

Calloused fingers found their way to my chin. Slowly he made me look at him again. He made me look him in the eye. Flames burst onto my skin, and I had never been so glad that he couldn’t hear my heartbeat. It was going to leap out of my chest.

“If I didn’t already trust you, I wouldn’t have had Maddie and Josh bring me here. You’re one of the only people I can be sure of at this moment,” he said gently, like speaking to a loved one. Someone he cared for.

I prayed that the blush in my cheeks didn’t grow any deeper than it already was.

*****

After our nightly routine of dinner and some time by the fire on the couch I situated him in bed. Once he was comfortable I retreated to my own room. Even though I was exhausted, sleep eluded me.

I tossed and turned, and did everything in my power to fall asleep. Nothing worked. Not counting sheep. Not reading for a while. Not even staring at the wall or forcing my eyes shut. Sleep was not my friend tonight despite me needing it desperately.

It had been almost a week since I had gotten a full night of rest. Nor had I gotten to sleep in. If I kept this up I wasn’t going to make it.

The rain started an hour into my tossing spell. Usually the thick rain drops pounding onto the roof sent me to sleep quickly. The soothing sound wasn’t enough tonight though. Instead they were music helping to keep my brain alert. I was going to go crazy laying here.

Ripping the sheets off of me I stood and slipped out of my room. Before I could make my way for the kitchen I noted the light was still on in the guest bedroom. I wondered if he was having just as much trouble as I was. Or if maybe I was somehow keeping him awake. Not able to stop my curiosity I knocked on the door, pushing it open to find him standing by the large window.

He had taken off his shirt. His large frame took up most of my view. Broad shoulders flowed seamlessly into his long torso. The only thing disrupting his figure was the bandage covering up about half of his abs. Despite the trauma his body had been through, he still kept his sculpted shape.

I pushed the blush from my cheeks as best I could. I stammered over my words and forced my eyes to the ground. “Sorry, I thought maybe… Um, I thought I was keeping you up, so I came to check on you.”

I could hear him shuffling closer to me. Though he had gained a lot of strength back, it was still hard for him to walk normally with the wound on his side. It was a miracle that he was walking at all.

“I was afraid I was keeping you up,” he said. I could see his feet in my line of vision.

I wasn’t sure why I couldn’t look up. I had seen him without a shirt plenty of times. Who had stitched him up? Who had helped him dress himself? This was ridiculous. I was a medical professional, I could keep it that way.

Lifting my gaze straight to his eyes I could see the small amount of humor in them. It seemed as if he was trying his best not to laugh at me. To not be humored by my reaction. But under that humor was a deep sadness. His eyes were lined with a little bit of redness. Like he had been crying.

“Are you okay,” I near whispered, afraid to embarrass him, or make him upset.

It was his turn to push his gaze away from me. “I’m fine. Just one of those nights.”

One of the nights he couldn’t push his grief away. A night where it consumed him and demanded to be felt. Demanded that he bow to the sadness and memories both good and bad. When the guilt consumed him and he couldn’t escape his losses.

“They happen. It’s okay if you want to talk about her, Chris.” It took a lot to keep my hand from moving to his. I was seeing all new sides of this man in this little escapade that brought him to me.

He started to run his fingers through his beard. Taming the wild hairs, putting them back in their place. Over the last few days I had noticed that one of his ticks was being unable to sit completely still. A bad habit for a hunter.

“It’s not that I mind talking about her. Talking about Allison is what keeps her with me. It’s the… the guilt that gets me these days,” he answered.

“The guilt of what?”

“Of feeling happy. It doesn’t feel right to… move on. To be happy without her here.”

He finally looked back at me. This was the most sad I had ever seen him. Even at Allison’s funeral he had been stoic, somber, held together. But before me was a man torn apart by grief and guilt. No longer did he put on a facade, and pretend to be okay.

I gave in to the instinct that was calling me to hold him. Slowly, so as not to startle him, I took him into my arms. Pulled him by the shoulders, standing on my toes to get my arms around him. I let my fingers dive deep into his hair, like my mother had done to soothe me as a child. He didn’t resist me, or push me away from him. Instead he melted into me. Wrapped his arms around my waist and sank his head onto my shoulder. As if we had been doing this for years.

I felt his breath on my neck. Felt the deep long sigh he let out. His leaning weight on me, the contact of his skin, as familiar as a lover. The man’s hair was as soft as silk.

“It’s okay to feel something other than pain for a while. I don’t think Allison would want you to be sad all the time. It’s okay to remember her and move on. It’s okay to feel happy, Chris,” I whispered.

We stayed in each other's embrace for a long while. That comforting silence falling back upon us. Not needing words to understand each other. Not needing to speak to be heard. Right now he just needed someone to lean on. And I was okay with being that person.

He finally pulled back, though he didn’t go far. He leaned his head onto mine. Now his warm breath was on my lips. He was so close I could nearly taste him.

I knew what was coming. Like every girl knew before the proposal happened. Or when her boyfriend was going to ask her to prom. I knew he was going to lean in. Part of me shouted to go away. To step out of his arms and keep the professional relationship between us.

I told that part of myself to shut up.

His lips descended onto mine warmly. He was no longer plagued with fever, but he held warmth. Warmth that ran through me and made me burst with flames of my own.

I let my eyes slip shut. Let the feeling of him being this close take me over. My fingers combed through his silk-like hair, while his own hands roamed over me. They had pushed some of my blouse up, getting us as close to skin on skin as possible.

Barely sucking down air he deepened the kiss. Pulled me as close as he could manage. I was still on my toes trying to reach him. Trying to get deeper into him. If I could have faded into him I would have.

He started to back up, pulling me with him. His soft full lips never left mine as we moved together. Slowly and carefully we sank into the mattress. Chris began to tug at my top as I straddled him, careful to avoid his wound. Though he didn’t seem to care.

His eyes burned in a way I had never seen. Burned bright with desire. For the first time in a long time he looked… alive. He looked like the same man I had first met. The one with a passion and a calling. I savored the look he gave me. Felt honored that it was me who had been the one to ignite it.

His lips found their way to my bare shoulder. Soft delicate kisses roamed over me. As I lost myself in the feeling of small fires starting up, I deeply hoped that I could keep him like this. That I could keep him alive in a whole new way for as long as possible.

#teen wolf #teen wolf fan fiction #chris argent #chris argent x reader #teen wolf imagine #chris argent fan fiction #chris argent imagine #fan fiction #imagine #imagines #original character

[trobeds]

hi! do you have any ronance + elmax headanons? <3

HELL YEAH!! ALSO YOU ARE AMAZING THANK YOU FOR THE RONANCE PROMPT IVE BEEN DYING TO RAMBLE ABOUT THEM OMG I LOVE YOU <3

ok so onto the hcs (yeaahh)

robin and max hang out and talk about their crushes a lot and robin ADORES having someone like girls in the same way she does. but straight boy solidarity is great, steve! (ik hes bi obviously it just hasnt clicked yet)

nancy is a journalist with insane instincts, so she was bound to pick up on elmax eventually

robins already out to nance and the party at this point so nancy just mentions it casually in conversation

"hey, do el and max like each other"

robin doesnt have a filter so she just blurts out "wait max told you??"

"...no. i guessed"

and thats how ronance teams up in trying to set elmax up. as if theyre so amazing at confessing to their crushes *hint hint*

ronance = maxs moms = encouraging max to ask el to be her gf near constantly <3

its so silly bcs they dont realize theyre making eyes at each other instead of keeping tabs on elmax and making sure everything is going according to plan

max knows. she knows everything 100% and she keeps thwarting their plans like the self sabotaging bitch she is (rip)

el asks her out first.

she goes to robs bcs she knows robin likes girls and is just like her <3 and they come up with a plan for el to ask max out

she does and their first date is a picnic fuck you i will never give up the elmax/elumax picnic first date agenda

nancy helps el pick out something cute to wear (disclaimer: el is fucking adorable in everything she wears. its all cute.)

they laze around and el appears in her mind so max can see her when she kisses her for the first time <3

max and el are super bouncy and happy next time they talk to ronance and robin and nancy clap for them and get just as excited, if not more

ronance with that sense of "you only got your shit together because of us" high-fiving quote unquote, "subtly"

the roles reverse. el and max are the matchmakers now (+ steve bcs hes ronance truther #1 in my mind)

el using her powers to make them gravitate towards each other and them giving her death glares that say "what are u doing stop trying to set us up its obviously unrequited" and el just stares back like "girl wtf are you talking about??" while max gives them thumbs up and nods encouragingly while both robin and nancy think theyre being set up for rejection.

once nancy composes herself she power walks her ass over to robins house to tell her that el and max are trying to set them up

robin "what? no theyre not haha why would they do that its not like we like each other amiright? am. i. right." buckley and nancy "yeah ofc totally not. right. youre right." wheeler being kind of oblivious.

they get together when robin is just rambling about this book she read one day and she wont shut up and theyre sitting close enough that their sides are pressed together and their knees are in a perpetual state of bumping into each other and shes just so adorable and pretty and hot and nancy just cant resist

she grabs her face and kisses her

it takes a hot minute before she pulls away in mortification and robin starts talking. again.

"that was mind-blowing but if that was an experiment we can just forget about this. um. if it wasnt. id be surprised but...not opposed. at all. but thats not possible so anyways, my book was so-" ohmygodohmygodohmygodholyshitohmygodwhatthefuckohmygod

theyre girlfriends pretty soon after

elmax commends them on *finally* getting their shit together

final verdict: elmax and ronance are in love

anyways, thank you sm for the ask!! i really enjoyed answering it ily and take care of yourself <3 <3 <3

#ronance #elmax #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #el hopper #jane hopper #el byers #jane byers #jane ives #[insert every other variation of el's name i'm missing] #max mayfield #my fav sapphics <3 #+ two (2) mentions of #steve harrington #i love u thanks for the ask <3 #(my head)canons #my mailbox 💌

[violetwitch12087]

You and cooper hang out his mom crashes yall go to the hospital and cooper gets yelled at for drinking beer but its a misunderstanding and turns out you and cooper have gone through a lot

You're Lonely

Me and cooper decided to hang out today at my house and hes been at my house literally never so he was a little stoked a bit but it all turned okay

Me and him are on my bed with his arm wrapped around me drinking a couple beers talking a bit and making out occasionally i love his soft lips pressed up on mine making me smile it just fills my stomach with butterflies

After me and cooper talk a bit i lean in about to kiss his soft plump lips i love so much when his phone rings and i pause before sighing "sucks" cooper says before answering the call "shello" he says making me smile a bit but it quickly drops after i realize something is wrong

He hangs up the call after thanking his friend and turns to me "i gotta go" he says and i look confused "are you okay? What happened" i say grabbing his hand gently "my uh mom just got in a crash shes in the hospital" he says and my eyes go a bit wide "come on ill get my brother to drive us" i say quickly standing up throwing on a sweater since the outfit im wearing is kinda a surprise for cooper yk? Not too revealing but it sure did catch his breath

I run upstairs to my brothers room "hey me and cooper need you to drive us to the hospital something happened with his mom" i say and his eyes dart at me before he nods okay acting weird

We go downstairs and i grab cooper and we start walking outside before my brother pauses causing me and cooper to stop in our tracks "Look I'm really messed up right now I wasn't expecting a big emergency and it's kinda freaking me out" he says and i roll my eyes "okay he cant drive i wanna go to the hospital not TO the hospital" cooper says "fine ill drive give me the keys" i say grabbing the keys "you sure?" Cooper asks and i nod "yeah i have been taking care of him since i was like 12" i say "damn y/n whats the big deal" my brother says "im tired, so tired" i say getting into the car and cooper literally crawls on top of the car to get to the other side so i had to hold back my laugh a bit

Its late and im driving down the road when someone honks at me making me more nervous "you did say you know how to drive right?" Cooper asks "shh im concentrating okay?" i say "sorry" cooper says making me feel a little bad and i sigh "its okay" i say softly and he sighs leaning back into the seat "your moms gonna be okay" i say "ive had like a sixth sense thing ever since the happy pills" i say looking over at him a bit him smiling "im not lying" i laugh "no i believe you" he says smiling

"You know im actually glad we didnt get Mongolian tonight" cooper says referring to when i pulled out the weed and initially ditched it "yeah, yeah me too" i say nodding my head focusing on the road i turn my head to look at cooper whos already looking at me with his pretty brown eyes making my stomach turn before he looks away back at the road causing me to look back at the road

Me and cooper arrive at the hospital and i have a bad feeling about me leaving so i go with cooper inside and i stay outside of his moms room and just kind wander around as cooper goes and talks with his mom after a moment i think i was just tripping when i hear cooper and his dad arguing

"How many?" Coopers dad jackson asks cooper holding coopers arm tightly "what" cooper asks "how many did you have" jackson says "what what arw you talking about"cooper says "cooper i can smell the beer" jackson says making cooper realize "like 2 but they werent that good so-" cooper says but gets cut off "where?" Jackson asks and cooper sighs "y/ns house but her parents are okay with it and-" cooper says "her parents are okay with it?!" Jackson says his voice a little high

"Did you have any intention to show up to ur moms party today or were you gonna stay at y/ns at drink beer all day?" Jackson says "just chill out a little bit" cooper says in a feeling i can describe but ive felt before "chill out?! Do you have any idea what ur mothers been through today?" Jackson says and cooper sighs "whats going through your head coop" jackson asks cooper "do you have any idea what i didnt do?" Cooper asks looking up at his dad "thats it thats what you got?" Jackson says and cooper nods "yeah" he says softly and kinda snarky "you're gonna tell me everything you didnt do? Good you didnt smoke any crack or beat up any homeless people coop bravo im proud of you" jackson says clapping his hands loudly

"I knew you'd understand" cooper says in disbelief before hes about to start walking away down the hallway where i am "and there you go walking away when things get tough" jackson says pointing at cooper and cooper turns around "and there you are not coming after me" cooper says before he turns around and walks down the hallway and turns the corner to see me and i look at him sympathetically before i grab his hand softly and we walk out of the hospital and to the car

We get in and i start driving again back to my house i grab coopers hand softly again making sure i dont crash the car i know hes hurt he just does a hell of a job not showing it sometimes but if he was ever hurt and i saw him i would know cause thats how much i love him

Me and cooper walk into the kitchen and i grab some empty beer cans throwing them into the sink before leaning against the counter looking at cooper whos faced away from me "hey, you okay?" I ask softly and genuine "i just walked away from my mom whos in the hospital after losing her baby i dont know if okay is the right word to describe me" cooper says turning around to look at me when we hear banging and yelling upstairs i sigh "whats he doing?" Cooper asks referring to my brother looking really cute in the moment "hes totally messed up gonna make himself go to bed" i say "sure he had social opportunities on a friday night" cooper says

"Just coveted to think time" cooper says "please hes a mentally stunted bag of crap i can drag behind me" i say scoffing a bit before we hear a loud bang and silence "nighty night dumbass" i breathe out harshly after a moment cooper speaks "you're lonely" cooper states and i scoff softly "is that why im a slut?" I ask "i didnt said that" cooper says before he pauses "i should go" he says and i nod hopping off the counter "yeah you should ill take you" i say "i wanna go with you" i add softly looking away from cooper "because you're lonely?" Cooper asks

I nod softly kinda "what if i am" i ask and he thinks for a moment before walking over to me and he wraps his arms around me making me do the same my hand rubbing his back slightly "woah" i say "woah" cooper copies "this doesnt suck" i say "nah" he says softly and i sink more into the hug putting my face in the crook of his neck giving his neck a quick kiss softly his warm body making me feel like i actually matter for once

After a while we finally pull away and i smile softly at him before i grab his hand and we walk over to the couch i sit down making him sit down next to me and i cuddle up to him a bit after a while we hear a knock on my front door i open it and see coopers dad "is my son cooper here?" He asks and i nod before cooper comes into frame

"I am so sorry" jackson says as he pulls cooper into a hug "i need you at home with me okay coop?" Jackson says "yeah, yeah man" cooper says pulling away from the hug and turning to me "are uh, are you gonna be okay?" Cooper asks and i nod softly but i know i wont be "yeah" i say lying but cooper stays looking at me almost pleading or unsure what to do "would you like to come home with us?" Jackson asks "yeah" i say softly nodding at jackson "I'd like that" i say

"Nice" cooper says to his dad "really?" Jackson says "yeah" cooper says softly before his dad walks out the door as coopers about to walk out to follow his dad i grab him gently "hey, you have no idea how lucky you are cooper" i say looking up at him "dont forget that" i say and he looks up from me and we walk outside to the car and coopers dad drives us to his house

We get to coopers house and make sundaes just having fun for the reat of the night i love cooper so much more than i will know...

********************

This episode was pretty sad tbh but anyways im bored kinda high and idk i need money and im bored sooo yeahhh anyways i love you *mwah mwah mwah* bye my love

#cooper day x reader #evan peters fanfic #cooper day #evan peters #cooper day fluff imagine #cooper day x y/n #the days

[girlwithfish]

im trying to hold it together and i guess i could be more open or vulnerable w my family abt how i mdoimg but i dont feel comfortable w that. but then it results in them thinking im doimg bad and having this negative view of me that they dont actually address to my face and think im spending too much time w a guy i dated too fast im not doing anything else and it just makes me upset bc last time i tried talking to my mom abt this stuff cuz my sister suggested i talk to her and it just feels weird having to explain myself i really do not like it but im trying to be considerate of other ppls feelings i guess 👍and my mom just tells me things i already know all the generic stuff ppl tell u to do when ur life is in the shitter make friends go out get a job spend time w urself like i am working towards all of these things and i feel ashamed its a slow process or im not instantly there i guess? but i see myself trying every day this week and i know myself best but i guess other ppl dont see it and some of it is concern but i just hate people feeling sorry for me or butting in to my life idk👍wish i lived alone so badly. I habe applied to a job that i am really hoping i get and am gonna do my best to at least get an interview im trying to make friends and its been fuckin hard cuz bumble bff is a warzone but i made.myself reply to people today and all i do is spend time w myself if im not w the guy im seeing and i am used to it now and like having my time to myself w no one elses influence thats the nice part. I walked and ran for two days in a row which isnt a lot but i started somewhere and im probably not gonna do it today bc i feel really low today so im trying to not beat myself up over it. i foudn a therapist ive. been trying to get on top of my dental health n eye doctor stuff which i had this week. Blablabalbla i feel im trying to do all the things ur supposed to and yeah its slow im not at the final Oh shes doing ok in life point yet but i am working towards it and i feel like thwts something. i dont cry anymore when i was crying a lot the first week of december when i was very fucking angry and upset abt every thing in my life being out of my hands and it still feels that way now but im trying so hard to just make peace w the fact that this is my situation for now 👍

[ghoodles]

I saw a post like this and so i decided to chose from the playlists i made for Sparrow's first and second arcs that i associate with the arc

So lets get on with it :3

PS-A1- Digital Silence, Just Take My Wallet

Digital silence-

Just like- the entire idea of the Spider-Society and Miguel just fits into this song. I see it as the canon events, because first of all, it's normalized of it just "being how it is and always should be" and even though its like- its not good! People they care about are dying in order to 'make them a better spider' and everyone knows that, and they just let it happen, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Just take my wallet-

Sparrow, throughout the entire arc, has lost their family, has lost their version of gwen, and, has lost themself, because of the canon. It took away their brother, it took away his girlfriend. She's lost their support system, and yeah, he gained another through the society (specifically Noir) but it doesn't dampen the loss, especially because at the end they get kicked out of the society.

PS-A2- Your Obedient Servant, Just Leave Me Alone

Your obedient servant-

Throughout the around two weeks Sparrow was gone, two new vigilantes showed up, The Prowler and Venom, and essentially stole their spotlight. (even though he doesnt want it, it still kinda hurts, and a bit frustrating cause 'Well shit i cant go home, this is literally the only thing i can do!') Sparrow is not happy about this, at all.

Just Leave Me Alone-

Sparrow goes through it this arc.. And she gets so tired, so stressed, that she begins to start snapping whenever people begin to reach out. She's in mourning, and denial has finally ran out.

Other songs that can really go either way- Dinner Is Not Over, You're Nothing Without Me, Create A Creature, Mama's Boy

Dinner is not over-

Throughout the arcs, Sparrow's mental health suffers. I mean, seeing your brother rush into the flames of your burning house in an attempt to save you- you who was perfectly out of harms way, sealing his fate and faking yours, can kinda do that to a guy!! And, there has been multiple times where he forces himself to continue, because "its not over yet."

You're nothing without me-

Ive ranted about the idea here, but essentially, Sparrow has no identity outside of being The Pumpkin-spider, at least, in their universe. Because of his 'death,' she has no legal records, she is dead legally. So, who is he if he decides to take off the mask? Nothing. He is nobody, a dead man walking.

Create a creature-

Okay less serious but ITS HALLOWEEN THEMED AND SO IS HE SO FUCK IT WE BALL

Mama's Boy-

Sparrow has grown up with just her mom, nana, and brother. She loves them all dearly, however, especially during their days as the pumpkin-spider before the fire, their relationship became especially strained.. He wants that connection back, especially after the fire, but he cannot talk to them, its all over the news that she did it, even though it couldnt be further from the truth.

#atsv #across the spiderverse #spidersona #sparrow 'cherry' wilson #We love him #(he's traumatized) #and itll only get worse baby!! #someone give him a hug #he needs it #she's just like me fr #i mean obviously #she's my spider-sona after all #there's so much angst in A2 and A1 #that is literally 2 weeks and three days combined #someone give this kid a break

[lexis3npaii]

Books and Cherry Coke

hyunjinxfem!reader

1.2k words

NOT PROOFREAD (im lazy)

(just fluff)

omg this is my first post and ive never shared my writing like this before nor have i ever written fan fiction but i figured this would be a good way to practice my craft. if chloe zhao can do it! so can i! feedback is always appreciated!

Every day during lunch, she sits by the fountain and reads a book. She’s a fast reader because every 2 weeks or so, the book is different. Every day she’s all alone, sipping on her cherry Coke. Metal straw in the can to mess up her lip gloss. He almost doesn’t want to disturb her. She always looks so peaceful. So enthralled in the book she’s reading. 

But he can’t put it off for any longer. He can’t keep looking in the other direction when they lock eyes. Or turning down a different hallway when he sees her at her locker. He has to get over his fear of rejection and just “Shoot his shot” as his friend Jisung would say. And now is his chance. 

Shaking himself out of his thoughts, Hyunjin begins to walk to where she’s seated. When he finally reaches her, he clears his throat in an attempt to capture her attention. Slightly startled, Y/N’s lifts her head and lowers her drink and book. A small smile captures her face when she notices who it is. 

“Oh hi Hyunjin. I didn’t see you there.” Y/N cheerily greets the boy, making his ears slightly turn red. 

“H-Hey Y/N!” he responds a little too loud, this time the blush rushing to his cheeks. But this makes Y/N giggle and it eases Hyunjin’s nerve just a little. “New book huh? ‘Big Little Lies’?” 

Y/N glances down at the book in her hands and chuckles to herself. “Oh yeah. My mom was really into the tv show, so I figured I’d read the book first before I check it out. Moms and murder. It’s actually pretty good.” She finishes and looks back up at Hyunjin who has been looking at her the whole time. “I’m sorry, you probably don’t even care.” Y/N says while placing her palm on her forehead. 

What she doesn’t know is that Hyunjin could listen to her talk about that book day, even if he had no idea what it was, him not being that interested in books or tv shows. What she didn’t know was that he secretly didn’t want her to stop talking, the nerves from before slowly finding their way back to him. He was scared again. And he was doubting himself again. 

“Hyunjin?” He comes back to reality when he hears her call his name. Hyunjin meets her eyes again. “Did you need something?” 

“No.”

“No?”

“I mean yes.”

“Yes?” she says with a smirk. 

“I meant no I don’t need anything but I do have something” gulp. “To tell you…”

This time Y/N places her bookmark, which is just an old receipt,  in between the pages and closes the book, setting it down next to her drink. She pats the space next to her, signalling Hyunjin to sit next to her. 

“What’s up?” 

Hyunjin fidgets next to her, trying to find the right words to say. He opens his mouth to speak but Y/N cuts him off. 

“Oh! I meant to tell you how good you were in that showcase on Saturday.” Y/N says. 

Hyunjin gives her a perplexed look. “You were there?” He asks.

“Yea. I promised Lix we’d get ice cream after and Min would’ve killed me if I missed another one. I had to request the day off at work.” 

“Yea Minho can get pretty scary. One time he stuffed toilet tissue in my mouth cause I kept getting the timing wrong during a routine.” Hyunjin recalls earning a chuckle from Y/N, which makes him smile. He has to do it today. He wants to hear that laugh every day and be the reason for it. He wants you to call him ‘Hyun’ or ‘Jin’ like you call Minho ‘Min’ and Felix ‘Lix’. He wants you to come to his showcases for him. And after the show, you run into his arms and he spins you around refusing to let you down because having you in his arms just feels so right. 

“Yup that sounds like Min.” she says pulling him out of his thoughts, still giggling about what 

Hyunjin said. “But I’m sorry. I interrupted you.” 

“No, no! I like hearing your laugh. It’s beautiful.” 

This time it’s Y/N’s turn to feel heat rush to her face. What Hyunjin doesn’t know is that the reason she’s rambling is because she’s also nervous. And everyday she secretly wishes Hyunjin would come to the fountain and talk to her. What he doesn’t know is that she's been asking Minho and Felix about him. More so annoying, as Minho would say. What he doesn’t know is that Felix has invited her to sit in on the team's rehearsals so many times, but each time she declines, nervous about seeing Hyunjin. 

“Oh um thank you…” Y/N says with a small smile on her face, avoiding eye contact with the boy in front of her. 

There’s a silence between the pair. Hyunjin clears his throat to break it. “So I um I was out with Jeongin the other day and um we saw this book cafe and um I was wondering if maybe you’d want to go?” At this Y/N looks up, wide eyed. 

“Would Jeongin… be there… too…?” She questions shyly. 

“No! Just you and me. Y/N. I really like you and-” His sentence is cut off when Y/N places a chaste kiss to his lips. Hyunjin is stunned, at a total loss for words. He opens and closes his mouth a few times.

“I really like you too, Hyunjin.” 

Shaking himself back to life, Hyunjin reaches into his bag. “Um I actually already went in and I um I got you this.” He pulls a fancy royal blue bookmark out of his bag, complete with a long tassel and her name down the center. “It was pretty and had your name on it. It’d be a crime if I didn’t buy it.”

Y/N carefully grabs the item at a loss for words herself. “Hyunjin, it’s beautiful. I don’t know what to say.”

“Say you’ll go out with me on Saturday.” 

Y/N sets her eyes onto the blonde boy next to her who is already gazing at her like she’s the only person in the world. 

“Yes. Of course I will.” 

“Oi! Y/N!” The pair turn their attention to Minho who sarcastically points at his watch, his way of telling Y/N to hurry up. 

“Alright Min! I’m coming!” Y/N turns back to Hyunjin and begins packing her stuff away. “Sorry Hyunjin, I gotta go but I’ll see you on Saturday.” She rushes towards where Minho is standing. 

“Can’t wait!” He calls after her, standing up quickly. 

Y/N finally makes it to her friend, doing nothing to conceal the smile on her face. Minho side eyes her, nudging the girl with his elbow. “I guess lover boy finally made his move? Bout time. I was sick of you two asking me about each other. I thought you guys would never-” He’s cut off when Y/N pushes the boy right back but with her whole arm, given their size difference. 

“Shut it.”

#hyunjin x reader #skz x reader #stray kids #stray kids x reader #hwang hyunjin #hyunjin x y/n

[lilacponds]

my mom needs to stop willfully ignoring actual problems to be dramatic

me: yea i know my legs hurt because i havent really been walking a lot, but i cant walk a lot because my foot hurts, its a vicious cycle

my mom: OH SO NOW YOU CANT WALK? YOURE GONNA NEED A WHEELCHAIR?

and im just sitting here like why do you think i want to see a better doctor. do you think i have fun being in pain. and honestly? i would be lying if i said i havent thought about using a wheelchair in the future! its more trouble than its worth at the moment for multiple reasons, but if my pain gets worse and more constant? yeah, i wouldnt be surprised if one day i'd have to use a wheelchair.

nevermind that i already know i cant walk very far distances even with my cane. sure, the foot pain can be pretty random, but i know it'll definitely flare up if i walk too long, and there's a discussion to be had there that i'll make in a separate post with a readmore because it has triggering stuff.

if i had the money for a wheelchair, lived somewhere with an elevator (or on the ground floor), and my city's streets were better, i would be seriously considering it, you know? it's exhausting not being able to go outside because i know i'll be in pain.

i can't go to the library. you know that? i want to go so bad, sometimes. or even to the promenade, near the beach, just be where the life is - i mean, i can if i pay for a bus ticket. but able-bodied people have access to these places for free because they can walk. it's not the distance - not really - it's the overpass. bridge? it goes over a canal and the train tracks. its between my house and where the life is. sure, this side of the overpass has people, schools, stores - but there's nothing for me here. its not where people hang out, just where they pass by. theres nothing here. but oh, on the other side of the overpass? thats my terabithia. theres way more shops full with curios that are fun just to look at. there are so many people to watch! there are seagulls and pigeons hopping around, there's the bookshop you can always stop in without buying something just to see whats new on the shelves, theres the beach, and the sea, and the pier! (if we want to dip into money talk, there's the best granita ever on that pier as well, and an arcade. an arcade! thats the only arcade ive ever seen) theres the library, and sometimes, sometimes theres people having fun on the streets. theres this one guy who likes to hang around, and he makes giant soap bubbles, and he entertains children and adults alike. one shop he was near once tried to complain about him and get him sent away, and people flocked together to support him. i was there, with my own little bubbles, just like many others, and we all blew bubbles together with him. (that shop closed, later. unsure how related the two things were, but the nice old man is still there sometimes, blowing bubbles and making children laugh.) i saw a small circus-like parade, once - so many people, but i remember a man in stilts and i remember looking up, and i remember the joy in my heart.

theres life over there.

and im poor and disabled. and im stuck over here.

#this got... more vent-y than i expected #fuck. i hate this. #and i type this as my foot hurts. #i often put my foot up on my computer case. after a while it goes numb. and its weird but it stops the pain #Charlie chatters

[brad-bakshi-loves-bugs]

oh my gosh, did you just say you roleplay in your room?? dude (gender neutral)!! that’s so smart. and also really cute..:)

you talked about having ADHD. i’ve been having some trouble lately and i was wondering what it looks like for you? just to get an idea wether i might need to check it out or not.

thank you, i think...? this is the strangest ask ive ever received but i think being called cute is a compliment LMAO so ty

so like. adhd looks different in everyone it affects, and i always recommend reaching out to a psychiatrist or even just your physician if you suspect you might have some Fucky Stuff going on with your brain! i was diagnosed with adhd when i was 10 which is pretty telling for how severe mine is because they dont usually diagnose afab kids that young LMAO but again. everyone is different!

HOWEVER i will start this off by saying that i also have severe bipolar 1, which has a lot of overlapping symptoms with adhd. im not a psychiatrist, a psychologist, or a therapist (or any other -ist), and i couldnt tell you which of my Problems are adhd and which are bipolar. so here's your disclaimer to please not use me as the deciding factor for whether or not you have adhd! my adhd personally is life-altering and essentially ruined my childhood for various reasons, and it's still something i struggle with daily. not every case is so severe (most aren't, in fact), so take everything i say with a grain of salt!

but here's a list of things i attribute to my adhd, which is very far from a complete list, but it's what i can think of off the top of my head:

i HATE silence. whenever im doing anything i have to be playing music or listening to something or i cant focus at all, but it also cant be New Music or ill just get distracted and not be able to focus

on the flip side, i also cant fully concentrate if i have any sort of noise. so if im trying to have a serious conversation that requires my full attention, i have to turn off all music and essentially block my ears so that i can focus. no i dont know why but its SO FUCKING ANNOYING

i alternate between skipping every song halfway through because i get bored quicker than a song can finish or listening to the same song for 6 hours on loop and still wanting to listen to more of it. seriously, i listened to rockstar sea shanty by nickelback almost 400 times this year alone, and i only just discovered it in august

when i hyperfixate, i cannot do ANYTHING else or i get massively depressed and lose all motivation. i ended up in a psych ward back in october because the thought of doing my (easy and otherwise enjoyable) job made me self-harm because i was hyperfocused on watching a specific show and i couldnt do ANYTHING else. im a terrible employee

time management? not here! im late to EVERY SINGLE THING. i had an interview yesterday and i was late by 15 minutes. when i was working at petsmart, i can count on both hands the number of times i showed up to work on time in an ENTIRE YEAR. i have no idea why im like this and i hate it

i pace. a LOT. like, i spend several hours a day pacing. i literally just walk around my kitchen and living room and bedroom aimlessly. im like an npc, but instead of giving you helpful tips i just give you really shitty one liners and puns until you beat me to death

if im not pacing, im doing SOMETHING. whether im biting my nails, popping my knuckles, bouncing my leg, bobbing my head, anything. its physically impossible for me to sit still. like right now, im sitting at my desk typing on my keyboard, but im also shaking my legs violently and bobbing my head to the music im currently playing (it's hicktown by jason aldean. yeah, i enjoy country music. im a redneck sorry)

i SUCK at multitasking. like, even just listening to something and writing. or listening to someone and watching tv. or listening to two things at once. okay, so im starting to think im just really bad at listening. but STILL. my mom can work and watch tv at the same time, but if i try to do that i just end up watching tv and i cant get anything done. i absolutely cannot concentrate if two things are happening at once

i cant watch movies. i literally spend more time rewinding and playing back whatever i missed while i was checking my phone than i do actually watching the movie. im the same way with tv shows unless im hyperfixated on them, but at least theyre shorter so i can take more breaks

again, this is not a complete list. nor does this mean that if you check all of these boxes then you also have adhd, or that if you dont check them then you dont. i cannot stress enough that adhd affects every person differently. thats why its such a bitch to diagnose, and why the symptoms overlap with so many other illnesses and disorders.

i do hope that some of this helped! i have no issues with talking about my own mental problems because im a very firm believer that they should be destigmatized and more often talked about publicly, but i try to limit how often i bring up my own issues unless someone directly asks about them because i know not everyone wants to hear about them and that's fine too!

#not mq #asks answered #mental illness #<- thats the tag im gonna use in case i make any future posts exclusively about my own mental Problems so feel free to blacklist #also sorry for rambling so much. thats another classic adhd symptom LMAO #words cannot limit me #whoops!

[queer-adhd]

@ everyone ive seen in ur notes defending docs saying theyre always right or complaining abt shopping around; i have a great story that for once didnt happen to me but shows how just downright oblivious and unhelpful the majority weve experienced can be, and how much harm it can cause

so when my little bro was in kindergarten, he suddenly started walking on his tiptoes, absolutely everywhere, and would cry when he had to put his feet flat on the ground and absolutely hated wearing shoes. mom took his to his pcp, and he automatically went to 'some form of muscular dystrophy' solely because i have it, and wouldnt listen to my mom saying that she didnt think that was it because it was only in one leg. he talked over her and suggested going to the md doc i had, and that doc told mom he wanted to do a muscle biopsy, but to try the bone and joints department first before they performed it on someone so young, since back then it was a pretty painful process w a long healing time (i would know, i had one done around the same time).

this whole process of 'go to the doctors, suggest something drastic or do a test that comes back negative, get a new doctor because the old one refused to listen, repeat' continues for over a year, and she went to at least 11 doctors by this point with absolutely no answers. the 12th doctor, a specialist who id been seeing because he was researching my rare form of muscular dystrophy (and also the absolute BEST doctor ive had in 3 decades), took one look at him, tested the muscles in his legs against each other, stood up, and went "have you tried an xray?"

none of the 11 doctors before him had suggested it because they all automatically assumed it had something to do with his muscles or his nerves because of my moms and my own medical problems. she said we hadnt.

wanna know what it came back with?

a sewing needle, perfectly intact, sitting behind his kneecap, with a clear cut path through his muscles beneath it starting from the bottom of his foot. we think he mightve stepped on it while exploring my grandmas sewing room without permission and just didnt feel it at the time.

he went into surgery a few days later. the surgeon said that it had managed to SNAP IN HALF between the xray and the surgery, and it was half a centimeter away from a large nerve that couldve permanently damaged his ability to use that leg at all if it had stabbed into it.

11 different doctors and 11 different test and almost a year and a half and none of them had thought to order a simple xray. he couldve spent the rest of his life with a useless leg because no one thought of an XRAY, even though my mom had suggested it MULTIPLE TIMES

anyway hes perfectly okay now, he sprang back up literally 3 days later running around and causing chaos again. the surgeon let him keep the now broken sewing needle so we took it home in a little pill bottle, and it was his favourite show-and-tell object to bring to school every year. he still has it sitting up on a shelf in his room

Hhhhh oh my god oh jesus they wanted to do a MUSCLE BIOPSY without any sort of prior investigations? Jesus Christ.

Also what the fuck whether something is unilateral or bilateral is supposed to be one of those things you sit up and pay attention to specifically because of situations like this - unilateral symptoms make non-systemic causes more likely, and you should rule out injury first.

Thank fuck you found one person with an actual head on their shoulders, I'm glad your little brother is ok.

And thanks for the testimony, because, like... Yeah, it should not be something you have to do at all. You shouldn't have to push for years to try and find someone who will actually do their job.

[makalamunsonblog]

You thought wrong.

Eddie Munson x reader

Warnings: mentions of romance, cringy

*i dont give permission for anyone to steal or say my work is theres!!*

➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖➖

Ive been lonely my whole life. I mean, sure i have Chrissy and the basketball team. But we all know that Chrissy is always with Jason and no body really gives a shit about me on the basketball team. Maybe Lucas, but thats it. So thats how i ended up sitting by myself in the woods. But thats what i needed, a fresh breeze & a little sun to cure my problems.

I was finished so i got up, and turned around until i saw a tall figure approach me. The one and only, Eddie Munson. You can say we have some nice long history, if you know what i mean. We dated in freshmen year, it was honestly the best year of my life. With my moms death and so much other things, Eddie cured it. He was there for me when no one else was. He understood, well understands me. I had a-lot going on and i felt like i was involving Eddie to much. So i broke up with him on the first day of summer.

(When eddie speaks,i will use this symbol <>

< wow i didnt mean to scare you, u okay> i blush at his raspy but deep whisper. “Yeah im okay, just eating lunch in the middle of the woods” we share a laugh. “Hey , uhm i know this is weird to ask but, do you still sell- <drugs?> “yeah.” <well yes i do sweetheart, who wants to know?> i looked at him as my gaze went to the dark muddy grass.

“Well, its for me. Im kinda in a frenzy right now and need some special k” eddie looked at you and wondered to himself if he should. You see, eddie understood you needed a break, but he missed you so much. He always wanted to be there for you and take care of you.

so, he decided to lie. <well, im out but i have some less hard core stuff> “ill take that, and how much is i- <im stopping you right there, you get it for free. Special people deserve special deals>. A hint of pink spread across your cheeks. “Okay, your place tonight at 10.” <sounds good>

Y/n arrives at eddies trailer and knocks. She blushes at the sight of a shirtless eddie opening the door. <sorry i was gettin ready , but we need to talk> you walk into his room and sit. It brings back old times, the kind where i lost my virginity, or the cuddles i got. I miss them.

“So what do you need to talk to me about?” Eddies neeves shaked up as he is about to say something that will change everything.

<y/n, i love you. I have loved you ever since we met. I miss us, i miss this. I miss us cuddling on the bed, or having movie marothons. But most of all, i miss you. Never in my life will i gove you a harmful drug and not know the purpose.>

“Well Im just stressed okay. And i fucking miss yiu and it hurts so much because i dont want to put you through that pain i was feeling.”

You both stand stunned as you both just admitted your feelings for one another. You run over to him and your lips touch and go into a passionate kiss. His arms wrap around your waist. He looks into your eyes,

<god ive missed that.>

#eddie munson #steddie #eddie x reader #stranger things #season 4