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ms-hells-bells · 4 years

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Biggest red flags of endometriosis and what I suffer

These are by no means all of the symptoms, but they are considered the largest factors in considering whether someone has endo, and whether they should continue down the route of endo diagnosis and treatment. If you feel like you can relate to even a few of these, write them down and your experiences, and go to a doctor (best if a gyno), even if your symptoms are embarrassing to talk about. Some of the stuff I’m mentioning is going to be in embarrassing detail, but I’m doing it partially as a journal to myself, and partially so that others with the same symptoms feel they’re not alone and that it’s not normal.

Disclaimer- these are pre-depo provera. Been on depo 2 months.

Menstrual Pain: Used to be extremely severe, eased up recently, could return again. Started approximately 6 months after starting my period at 14, went on oral birth control, alleviated symptom, went off BC at 18, pain returned a few months later. The pain was debilitating, radiated from my abdomen up to my collarbone and down to my shins, felt in every nerve in my body, could barely walk. Reduced a few months after turning 20 - age, diet? Still pains, including ovulation cramps, not as bad.

Nausea/queasiness: Mild to severe episodes every few months, lasting from days to weeks. Need medication to eat and function. First occurred at 10-11 (pre-period, endo symptoms can start pre-period) for 6 months every day, then disappeared. Returned at intervals at 13-14. Went on BC. Returned at 18, coinciding with approximate time of stopping BC, not sure of exact timing. Ongoing, treated with meds and diet. Rare to vomit, but can happen. Blood tests, endoscopy, ultrasound, biopsies, stool samples have found nothing.

Constipation/difficult bowel movements/GI: Ongoing for years. Only defecate twice a week or so unless using med/natural laxatives. Good intake of fibre, drink enough fluids, not sure of cause. Worsened by dairy and bread, I cut those out. May have had anal fissures, no exam so not sure. Still have pain when waste is solid despite months of healing and laxatives (feijoas are the best aid for me, without any side effects). Defecating feels like razor blades are inside me. May be chronic fissure that needs surgery, or could be endo scarring. Painful movements can be accompanied by blood and body tissue (endo tissue?) in stool.

Bleeding: Menstruation is very heavy, but with very little tissue and virtually no clots (note: heavy clots and tissue are also signs of endo). Why so much pain with no clots? Trying to remove something that it can’t? Lose around 125-150mL of blood each period. Will menstruate every 14 days, for 5 days. Resulting chronic anaemia (being dealt with via BC and supplements)

Pain during sex: Pain regarding penetration. Noticed at 13-14. Little issue with tampons, any bigger hurts. Sex was highly painful despite foreplay, relaxation, and ample natural and artificial lubrication. Continued to be this painful post-first time. Do not think it’s a hymen issue or vaginismus (I am very relaxed and comfortable when it comes to sex and masturbation). Pain regarding penetration has very slightly eased up after a couple of years of using a menstrual cup, but is still there and have no idea whether sex would be less painful (have not been sexually active in 2 years). Tested STI free.

Neuropathy (nerve pain): Potentially. Have frequently painful rib nerve, but unlikely to be related unless at level IV endo, with severe scar tissue spread. Likely from partial muscle atrophy (chronic pinched nerve). Random brief pain in legs and abdomen. Occur for a few seconds, aching pain (feel like in the bone), then disappears. Though it was normal, like pins and needles, but may not be. Random pain nerves spark up. Usually shins, knees, lower-mid abdomen (not cramps!). Hard to know how often since it is so normal that I ignore it. Constant back pain, pulling pain in back nerves daily, random pain everywhere in back. Sometimes ache from walking (NORMAL), but sometimes sharp pains while sitting or lying down (NOT NORMAL). May be from partial atrophy, may be from endo. Note: endometrial-like tissue doesn’t just attack organs, it can cause pulling of nerves and even attach to nerves themselves

Fertility: Unknown. Very young, so too soon to know/unlikely to know if I don’t have and don’t want children. Note: endo commonly causes fertility issues and even de facto sterility if severe enough

Fatigue: Very common, improved with diet and supplements (iron, B12, etc.). Could be many different things, but can be caused by endo. Take into consideration with the many other symptoms.

Genetics: Mother had painful periods, not in enough contact to ask her about details. Younger sister has very painful periods, put on BC, but it didn’t help. Have little to no other female relatives to ask. Note: if your mother or sister has endo/what sounds like endo, you are 6 times more likely to have endo

Bloating/diet: Had severe bloating for years, still get it. Developed it terribly from dairy in teenage years, improved after cutting out dairy. Also worsens from bread, so cut most bread out. Great improvement. Can’t eat dried fruits (sorbitol)- lots of bloating and pain. Can’t drink highly carbonated drinks like coke, sprite, etc. More mildly carbonated drinks are okay. Caffeine increases menstrual cramps, cut it out, improved. High fat/fast foods cause nausea and bloating. All of the above a bit better after going vegan. Still get some bloating, especially when constipated. Have gas trapped “endo belly” often, stomach gets round and firm to touch with gas. Blood tests say no gluten intolerance, confident in lactose intolerance (especially after going vegan, your intolerance gets worse after a while). Note: endometriosis significantly increases sensitivity to inflammation causing foods such as dairy, red meat, wheat, caffeine, gluten, oils, fats, fast food , and others. These foods can cause more inflamed endo and therefore worse menstrual symptoms. Try elimination dieting to see if cutting out any of these improves symptoms.

That’s what I have so far. There are likely many smaller symptoms that weren’t present in the book I read (eg, skin issues), but these are the “IF YOU HAVE A FEW OF THESE, ASK YOU DOCTOR ABOUT ENDO” symptoms. I hope this list and these descriptions help someone! Remember that 1 in 10 women have endometriosis.

#radfem #radical feminism #gender critical #endometriosis

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canttelliotte-blog · 3 years

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Incredibly long, overly detailed post I spent too much time on.

Tl:dr AITA for telling someone they were coming off as an ungrateful, privileged asshole who didn't seem to recognize or truly appreciate what they have? I blew up after a series of encounters, they seemed oblivious to their lifestyle and support and how truly different life could have turned out without it. I called them out after weeks of trying to be empathetic but couldn't take how helpless they were acting when I would kill for the kind the support they were complaining about and taking for granted.

I should use a throwaway because I know this person will probably see this but I don't have the energy. I'll try to keep this short (actually super long sorry) I feel like I already know I was sort of harsh and out of line. This whole thing has just been sticking with me and I feel really messed up about it.

Alright, so context, back story. I had a breakdown in February and tried to kill myself. By some miracle, I got a bed at one of the best mental hospitals on this side of the east coast. After a long history of chronic mental illness, being on disability for years with medicare, getting an opportunity like this was amazing. I had been on waiting lists for months before my attempt, but fate, acuity, and availability all lined up. A true miracle. Unless you have a family with money or amazing health insurance, getting a bed is just extremely difficult at this particular facility.

The reason being, they provide real treatment. Comprehensive, attentive, life-saving treatment. They actually provide real care with empathy, actual therapy, psychiatry, and groups, with educated staff, real food to eat, world-renowned providers, and treatment teams that listen and work with you to come up with effective long-term solutions/aftercare plans that set you up for long term success.

Out of pocket, this place is unfathomably expensive. The more exclusive programs on-campus are for the ultra-elite/ ultra-wealthy, taking celebrities like Selena Gomez. The institution itself is known for its education and research. It is not funded by the state like almost everywhere else. Most state-run facilities are atrocious. a disgusting holding cell, where you're stripped of your clothes, dignity, and rights, fed prison food, overmedicated, physically and chemically restrained, only to be thrown back on the street in 3-5 days with no aftercare, med refills, or plan. Been there, done that, many times, not the point. The point was, I got some really helpful expensive ass treatment by the luck of the draw.

While I was there, I met someone lovely. We instantly connected and expressed interest in one another. They seemed really cool, we talked at length about income inequality and how unfair it was that this kind of treatment wasn't the norm or easily accessible and how unfair that was. They seemed passionate and bright and we got along great. They were set to discharge only a few days after I got there, so we exchanged info before they left. We talked a bunch while I was still there (my discharge was a couple of weeks later) and decided to go on a few dates after I got out.

A few days after I got out, I unintendedly overdosed, confused about my meds, and was incoherent by the time I got to the ER. I was restrained and chemically sedated. I was confused and fought so was deemed severely acute, and got sent to a state-run facility similar to what I described above. It was all very traumatic and I shut down once I got home. I was lucky I made it out semi-okay, that they let me out at all.

I wasn't replying to anyone's messages but the person I had met kept reaching out wanting to hear from me and make sure I was okay. I was embarrassed but it was really sweet and soon we starting talking a lot again and really connecting.

As I got to know them, I definitely thought they were very cool, we seemed to have a lot in common, they made me laugh and we got along really well. I was really digging them and saw us potentially becoming a thing. After talking for some time, we decided to anxiously have our first date. It went okay but something was off.

I didn't really pick up on it at first but the more we talked, the more privileged they offhandedly revealed they were. I know it's judge-y and lame, but that kind of put me off. I've been poor my whole life and struggled hard for everything, it's a whole different world living in poverty, so it made me a bit uncomfortable. I still live in poverty, on disability, with food stamps, and can barely hold it together enough to have a part-time job, but I have no choice. It's rough. I've been homeless, lived in institutions, went through foster care, and have no familial support. I have one of the most serious debilitating mental illnesses. It's been very very hard.

I am biased but I haven't met anyone well off who gets it. Some people don't realize how hard things can be when you've really had nothing, and had to work hard for everything. Even simple things are taken for granted, not understood, or there are miscommunications or assumptions made due to the lack of understanding. That's just my personal experience, it's hard trying to explain things and it's invalidating sometimes, it can be hard to relate or connect due to the lack of understanding.

Honestly, though, it took me by surprise. We had both talked passionately about the struggles of being on disability, the importance of income inequality, how unfair the system is set up, the barriers against the poor receiving adequate mental health treatment. They explained how they advocated for social justice and regularly went to protests. I felt dumb because I did meet them at higher-end facility, but I assumed they ended up there by dumb luck as I did with how they presented and initially came across.

They made it seem like we were in the same boat, poor af, chronically mentally ill, and 4 ever struggling. It was just a surprise because that was very much was not the case.

They moved up here from Florida, (where admittedly their life was much harder and different), but since moving, they were being supported by their aunt and uncle, who were very, very well off. They had a very expensive private practice psychiatrist, multiple treatment providers, and an apartment in a very well-off area, that their aunt owned, so they paid no rent. Their car/insurance/phone everything was paid for.

They seemed to have money to burn, dancing around being well taken care of and not really having to worry. They were on disability though receiving payments and food stamps in addition, not reporting the assistance from their family. When I lightly inquired, they said their grandmother mostly controlled their finances and they didn't deal with bills etc. They spent freely, getting take out almost every night, etc. enjoying all the pleasure of life without a second thought.

I was uncomfortable with this like I said, but they did seem cool and understanding, we did get along and I wanted to give them a chance. I put my biased experience aside and tried to give it a go.

First example that really blew me away was their dog. They had several animals, including a cat and two dogs. Even for someone working, three animals is a huge expense. I only have one cat and while she's my world, it gets hard sometimes. The vet is expensive, litter, food, treats, it adds up. And she's only one animal!!! I provide for her and take care of her, but a $350 vet bill still packs a punch. Of course, I pay it, she's my baby, but it might mean only eating sandwiches for a few weeks. I love her, so I sacrifice, she is worth it in every way, but animals are expensive and a lot of work/responsibility.

When this person and I first started seriously talking, they mentioned the dog they were closest to was very sick with a rare condition. I don't know the full details, but I guess it took a while for the vet to figure out what was wrong, he was on a lot of medications, needed loads of tests and scans. There were weeks of extensive treatments/ blood transfusions, all in a long, painful, and strenuous attempt to save him. They tried for a long time in the hopes he would get better.

He, unfortunately, passed away a few weeks after we started talking. It was devastating to them and I tried my best to be supportive and help them grieve. They were understandably at a huge loss. Their mental health tanked. Their dog meant the world to them, I understand that completely. Pets are family.

A few weeks after he passed. They were talking a little about the course of treatment and how hard it had been and what a long, painful road it was. They kind of casually remarked that his treatment cost over $20,000.

I honestly thought I had misheard. I had to ask twice because I thought they meant $2,000. No. $20,000. $20,000.Holy shit.

I just...$20,000 is what I make in a year. A year. Dogs are family, I totally, totally get that. People will do anything to save their loved ones. A pet is like an uninsured child, even with pet insurance, it can be expensive. I get that. If you have that kind of money, you pay it, without a thought, no problem.

I just... wow. I still couldn't even wrap my mind around it. My cat is my world but it breaks my heart to say, if anything happened to her like that, it would kill me, but I would be forced to put her down. I just couldn't believe, $20,000. And they said it like, no big deal, of course, like anyone would/could afford that, it was obvious, a no-brainer. I just...wow.

Next, kicker. I  came over to hang out one night and watch movies. I had never been to their apartment before. They claimed it had been super messy and they made a big deal about how they had cleaned for me. Sweet, but unnecessary, I get mental illness is tough. It was two bedrooms, all to themselves, decent space and light, but definitely scattered and cluttered. They had a huge king-sized bed, a bidet in the bathroom, and a super nice living room set up. Big comfy couch, loads of nice blankets, and honestly the biggest tv I had ever seen. They joking bragged about having all the streaming options. No kidding. Hulu, Disney plus, Netflix, Amazon, HBO, Paramount, and at least half a dozen more I hadn't even heard of. It just seemed crazy and excessive paying for that many streaming services every month.  But to each their own I guess.

We were both huge fans of anime, and they sort of decided to venture to studio ghibli. They asked if I had seen a particular favorite of theirs. I hadn't. They searched and it was only available to rent. $17. I nearly had a heart attack. I was like no way, we could definitely find it streaming for free somewhere if we look, or watch something else, shortage of options. They were like no it's no biggie that's what I want to watch and clicked rent. Like no problem *sweats intensely* Anytime I spend money, I have a heart attack and second guess it, it takes me like 10 minutes to click buy and my heart always drops when I do. I overthink, whether I really need/deserve it/whether there's a cheaper option, or if it's truly necessary. I know that's a poverty thing. It's just like we could have easily found it somewhere for free with a little effort!

We go to order food, we both have celiac so finding takeout is a chore. They knew the area better so I was trusting them. They were very adamant about ordering expensive sushi. It was $36 for just one of the things they wanted. Not including delivery or tips or fees or anything else, which included appetizers and drinks, the whole nine. I wasn't feeling sushi. They were like fine, we'll order from two separate places then. Double the delivery fee, not something I ever do, it would be cheaper finding a place together, I could get something small and affordable but they wouldn't budge. I didn't really have money to order a big thing on my own, I wanted something small, but I felt pressured. I figured anything I got would be cheaper than having to split a big sushi order I didn't want. I was like okay fine.

They kind of seemed annoyed that I didn't just give in and get sushi. They were a little short with me, didn't give me many options of other places, and were weirdly controlling, not letting me look at their phone to find something. I kind of gave up and said like just a burger is fine. I figured it would be cheap and filling, probably $20 max. I didn't take into consideration that they live in an extremely expensive area. It ended up being almost $30, plus tip. For a burger. I almost wanted to cry. I would have picked somewhere else cheaper given the option. They didn't even tell me the price until after they ordered it. I was like oh how much like $15 and they were so casual like oh no, $30 with tip. When it arrived, it was cold and disgusting, really inedible. I picked at the fries, which gave me a stomach ache as they were not gluten-free friendly and had been cross-contaminated in the fryer. I assumed they picked a place that they knew was safe.

When I wasn't eating, they asked if it was bad. I said yeah and they were like oh well just order something else. Like no, I can't afford anything else, it doesn't work like that. I was like no it's fine I'm not really that hungry. I wanted to say, I trusted you, and you kinda fucked me. I guess they picked that place because there was a gluten-free brownie sundae (prepackaged and not cross-contaminated) on the menu that they really wanted. Obviously more important.

My stomach ached all night. They ate their food happily. No big deal to them, $30 wasted on food I didn't really want, that I couldn't end up eating and got me sick. If it were them, they would have just ordered something else. No big deal to them. It was more important they got their brownie sundae and expensive sushi than making sure I was able to get something edible. Didn't matter that was half my grocery money for the week. Bologna sandwiches it'll have to be then. Awesome.

We spent the night talking, I didn't let on to how sick I was or that I was upset about not being able to choose food. They picked all the movies. I wanted to go home, but it just got later and later, one more movie I just *needed* to see. I asked them several times as the clock was ticking if it was getting too late to drive me home. No, no they were fine. Let's just watch another one. Then casually, they went to their room and brought out their night meds, threw 'em back, and settled into the couch. I started to panic. I asked again, you're taking me home, right? I guess they decided they weren't. I was miles away from home, no public transit running or close by. They were like oh I'm so tired, it got so late. Just order a car. I pulled up uber, $25. That would definitely overdraft my account.

Thankfully, after they saw me sweating and looking panicked, they were like, oh, I feel so bad, I'll order the uber for you. (If they hadn’t, I would have had to explain like, getting home on my own wasn't the plan nor was staying the night. If they thought I would be cool with just staying, they should have said something, if they wanted me to stay, it should have been a discussion, not a surprise.)

I just felt really disrespected. I was simultaneously hungry and sick from dinner, broke and unprepared to stay over with no prior discussion. I didn't have meds, my cat didn't have food out, I was blindsided and essentially stranded/put in an awkward position. They didn't consider that it might be stressful or beyond my limitations to get home. Being able to just roll with punches isn't financially feasible for everyone. It just felt like they were self-centered and inconsiderate. The whole night was what they wanted, what they wanted to eat, where they wanted to order from, what they wanted to watch, changing plans to what was convenient for them without any regard toward how it might impact me. Just inconsiderate and self-centered behavior.

We did keep talking though, I just sort of chalked it up to miscommunication and sort of beat myself up for not speaking up. It was weird though, kept just casually mentioning shit that was so privileged and complaining about shit that made them sound so ungrateful. I don't think they realized how it came across, just completely oblivious to their access to resources and not appreciating their position or supports.

They started talking about starting ketamine treatments to combat their ongoing depression. They had received them in the past and went on about how life-changing and helpful it was, and that everyone should try it. Now, being on disability (and even with most insurances) the treatments are not covered. The clinics that administer them are all out of pocket, bougie as fuck, and extremely expensive.

They talked about having several rounds in the past like it was nothing. It's easily $250-400 a pop and they were going 1-2x a week for a long time. They kept talking about all their options like what a painstaking burden. Should they start with lozenges and work up to IV clinic or ask for patches, and start that way. They wanted to work up to twice a week again but their family was giving pushback. They wanted me to agree with them, saying it was so unfair and lame and unreasonable/closeminded of their family for not immediately agreeing. The same family that would be footing the bill. No, not unfair or unreasonable at all. You sound privileged as fuck.

I was super bothered they were endlessly going on about it and complaining about pushback and asking me to agree with them. My treatment-resistant depression hasn't responded to anything, I've been on every waiting list for MDMA-assisted treatment whenever they pop up but never been selected due to demand and availability. Even ECT is too expensive and not covered. I'd kill for an opportunity like that! And it wasn't even like their family was saying no, they were discussing it in family therapy and seriously considering it.

They talked about it so nonchalantly and kept going on and on about how amazing it was. Like great, tell me all about something else I'll never be able to afford. I'm sure Paris is great, and backpacking across Europe is awesome, like please do tell me more.

I finally mentioned like okay that sounds great, will never able to afford it, glad it's so helpful They told me that I could just buy it off the street. That's what they used to do occasionally. It's only a couple hundred dollars and you get way more. Like oh okay. Let me just not pay a third of my rent in the hopes that this jam band kids ketamine isn't fentanyl or some shit and maybe have a shot at not wanting to kill myself for a week, you know on the off chance it works. Sounds great, super safe, much more affordable. And like as ridiculous as it was to offer that as an alternative, that still wouldn't be something I could afford! They just came off so clueless and privileged and oblivious.

What really got me was how they eventually talked about their family. They did weekly family therapy with their aunt and uncle and occasionally their dad since moving up here. They stayed with their aunt and uncle (lived down the street) more often than not so they weren't alone. This was encouraged/appreciated/welcomed. They did activities together regularly to help with depression and loneliness/ managing symptoms. They had their grandma and brother, whom they saw often and cherished greatly. They portrayed the relationships as really solid and important. I thought wow, truly wholesome and wonderful. They seemed so loved, close, connected, cared for, and supported. Across the board, they had support.

But then tables would turn. They complained often their family was too close, too conservative, and not understanding. They didn't want them so involved in their life, their treatment, decision-making, and recovery process. They resented the support, complained they weren't a kid and were capable/in sound mind to make decisions/have control of their life. I tried to listen and be understanding but I didn't get it. They came off almost like a spoiled, ungrateful teenager.

You're getting help, love, and support all around, everyone wants to support you and see you do well and will give whatever that takes. Like legitimately whatever ?!? You don't have to work, pay for anything, and it is made sure you don't have to struggle for anything. Anything you need, you've got.

I get the concept that having family so close/involved could be crippling or invasive or just downright unproductive. But it was such a slap in the face they would complain to me of all people about having that kind of support.

Family/support is such a foreign concept to me personally. Like I said, I grew up in foster care. I've never had family involved, healthy relationships, or any sort of support like that. The concept of calling your aunt when you're sad and she offers kind words, support, and tells you to come over to do something fun? Like, can't relate. I could only take so much of them complaining about being taken care of.

Living with extreme mental illness, not being able to work for periods of time, living solely on disability paychecks and food stamps is damn is impossible to survive, especially where we live. Without the help they were being given, they wouldn't be able to survive. The cost of living is out of control, you can't even rent a room with a single disability payment. I know, I'm doing it. It takes everything for me to keep a part-time job, barely making enough to make ends meet. But if I don't. I'm homeless again. No matter what, no matter how bad symptoms get. And I have one of the hardest, most debilitating mental illnesses. I don't have any other choice.

Their aunt would pay for them to go to school or learn a trade or anything they wanted. They have a world-renowned private practice doctor that prescribes them literally anything they could want or need to help and they have a great bond/ working relationship. I have a psych who can barely remember my name and sees me for 5-15 minutes maybe once or twice a month. I was asking for medications recently to get through a hard time, nothing serious, but my state-assigned psych does not prescribe benzos. Period. Neither does my PCP. It's state rehab or psych facility for me or bust. Another thing they take for granted. They almost bragged to me about immediately getting two heavy-duty benzos and another maintenance medication, just by saying their panic attacks were slighting increasing. Meanwhile. I was at risk for DT's after relapsing and begging for basic Librium to maybe not die and was denied.

The real reality of being on disability is the bare minimum or bad treatment. My psychologist is thankfully amazing but it took 10 years and hitting absolute rock bottom and being homeless to find her. She's a diamond in the rough but only works with the sickest of the sick. I would be in a state institution right now if it weren't for her and I avoided it by the skin of my teeth.

So here's where I'm probably the asshole. After weeks, I broke. We were texting as usual and they started to sort of mope and complain. They were venting about having a hard time again and how symptoms were bad and there was just nothing they could do and it was so hard. They started going on about how helpless they were and how there was no opportunity to get better and everything was just super hard and impossible for them and how rough they had it. Their family was checking in on them too much and they were annoyed at them for being concerned and that they had no options and no chance and everything was just so hard and impossible.

I understand, that's depression. I'm pretty empathetic and understanding and have been up to this point but it just felt like the rich person complaining to the homeless guy sleeping on the street, how awful it was they forgot their umbrella that day, and how unfortunate it was to be getting wet. I just wanted to scream. If you're anxious take your benzos, take your other meds! Call your aunt. Text your on call therapist. Call your fancy psych who answers night and day. Utilize any of the resources you have and all the support you are given!

I was just tired of it. Things in my life have been super difficult, especially lately, and I have to figure it out alone. The voices were getting loud again which lead to a bad relapse that went off the rails, which I had to pull out of completely unassisted. I am in between jobs, my housing isn't stable, my bank accounts are low, my mental health is chronic and very severe, my treatment team was threatening to section me if I didn't reel it in. Things were bad. But I deal with it, alone.

I know it was wrong of me, but I couldn't take it. They have everything to help themselves!!! They could go to a fancy hospital, they could ask all their supports for help! They would receive the best care. All the medicines, the best treatment. Anything.

I basically kind of spelled it out for them. You have privilege, you have support, you have money, resources, a great treatment team, family, everything... please for the love of God, USE IT! You wouldn't have to worry about losing your job going into treatment, you wouldn't lose your housing. You wouldn't have to worry about falling behind on bills. You'd be fine.

How can you not see or appreciate all you have and or see how oblivious and privileged you come across and how hurtful that is? You're complaining to the wrong person.

I went on a bit too long. I was definitely coming from a place of hurt, mental illness, and jealousy. I wasn't trying to make them feel bad, I just wanted them to understand. That kind of support would make all the difference for so many that are struggling. They are sitting with gallons of water around them, complaining to be inconsolably parched and that don't know what to do, all while sort of offhandedly bragging about how much water they have and how they can easily get more. I've been carefully conserving a 16 oz Poland spring bottle, rationing for weeks not knowing if/when I will be able to refill. They aren't alone, expected to make it on just disability. They weren't recognizing their position, how they were coming across, how hurtful that was. I didn't get anyone to catch me, love me, support me. This is the real reality of living with extreme mental illness on disability looks like without that opportunity or support. This is hard fucking work. We are not the same. You got lucky. Now do something with it.

They ended up calling me a dick, saying I didn't understand, that I was being cruel and mean for no reason. We haven't talked since. I do feel bad, I just couldn't take it anymore.

So if you made it this far, lay it on me, AITA?

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gay-psychopomp · 4 years

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Should I talk about the things I've self-diagnosed?

I ask because I mentioned other self-diagnoses in my introduction, but never specify what they are. Please keep in mind that I'm hesitant to actually call any of these self-diagnoses since I don't think I truly have the knowledge and impartiality to be 100% certain and I don't want to normalize/romanticize/appropriate terms and mental illnesses (or whatever the Thing in question may be).

So, I think I'll start with oldest/most likely/most sure of, and go from there.

(Edited: 3/22/2020, added number 5)

Auditory Processing Disorder. I've always aced hearing tests given at school or at checkups, but I frequently have to ask people to repeat what they said. I misunderstand words and phrases often, and more often just don't understand or process what was said. The more Sounds are going on at once, the worse it gets. Half the time, I just nod and agree or hit them with a "that's crazy" since it's easier than admitting that I did not hear/understand anything at all.

Sensory Processing Disorder. Not super severe, but I'm very temperature sensitive and have some weird sensory things. I, almost compulsively, touch anything that looks soft when in a store (hyposensitive, texture craving). I, as a child, would have breakdowns about my hair and how it was styled/brushed. If a sock seam is on my toes, I find it repulsive (and will sometimes refuse to wear that pair of socks if it can't be corrected). Pressure stims in my lap or held to my chest are 👌🏼👌🏼👌🏼.

Maladaptive/Immersive Daydreaming. This is where we start to get into "I'm not/can't be sure" territory. I'm not sure which it is and it may have changed. I'll likely go with Immersive (as it's not Debilitating and not really normalizing/romanticizing an illness). I constantly come up with what I call characters and story ideas, but can never get anywhere close to writing about them. I'll write details about the world they live in and the characters involved, but I never make anything of it. I always have to have an OC or a Fictional character that I "identify with" and can project onto/pretend to be just so I can sleep. I often replay scenes for my characters in my head, usually acting out what the character I identify with does and says. I hate to do it in public for fear of being seen doing that. Sometimes, to get myself to do something boring (usually in school), I again pretend to be that person and imagine that person doing what I need to do. Often times, I'll come out of a daydream and realize I was about to do a chore or that I needed to do a chore and just... zoned out and ignored it.

C-PTSD. Again, I hesitate to actually say I have C-PTSD as I'm afraid I'm just overreacting and misattributing my symptoms. However, I relate to many of the symptoms. I isolate myself and feel as if I'm disconnected from everyone else. I dissociate. Emotional dysregulation (could very easily just be my ADHD, but with symptom overlap, I may never know). I only have a few memories of what would be considered my trauma, but I don't know if those are the only events or if I've truly just buried/forgotten the others. I say C-PTSD as I don't have flashbacks and my trauma would definitely be considered recurring over a long period of time. I avoid my brother (potential abuser, reminds me of my trauma) as much as I can despite him living in the house. I am extremely jumpy and easily startled. My relationship with my brother is very weird and despite any improvements in it and in his behavior, I can't get over what happened.

Avoidant Personality Disorder. I have a major tendency to isolate myself. I avoid making plans, even with people I know and like, for no good reason. Even a task as simple as getting up and putting my plate away when I was visiting my future college made me cry because I was afraid of doing something wrong and being embarrassed or punished for it. I'm an extrovert, I like to talk to people and go out, but it also terrifies me and drains me rather quickly because I'm constantly thinking about my behavior and watching everything I do and say to make sure I'm not going to embarrass myself and that I'm projecting the "right" image and people think of me the way I want them to. I constantly feel like I'm a burden and I'm annoying everyone, including my family, so I almost never open up to them or tell them when I have problems. I could write more, but I think you guys get the point.

That's all I know of as of writing this. I've also wondered if I'm on the Autism spectrum, but due to heavy symptom overlap with Autism and ADHD, I just generally write it off as my ADHD. I also wonder if I have a dissociative disorder, but usually it could be explained by my combined ADHD and (potential) C-PTSD.

I thought I owed anyone following or viewing my blog this explanation as I'm trying to keep this blog somewhat themed to content related to my mental health, gender/sexuality, and personal interests.

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nyameowtherfucker · 3 years

Text

Robin Hood(Elizabeth Bathory)

Temporary summon: Deerlet/Puppy!!! Are you ready to redistribute candy!? We can't have selfish people hoarding it! We must become the Robin Hoods of Halloween!

Summon: Woop~ I'm in the Archer Class, Elizabeth Bath- oh, I mean Robin Hood! Good job, Deerlet/Puppy! We saved Halloween! I'm putting my trust in you, please take care of me!

QQAAB

Skill 1: May Princess EX

Apply Evade(1 turn) and Damage Cut(3 times) to self. Gain delayed buff(gain 20 stars).

Skill 2: Animal Communication A

Increase your NP gauge (50% - 70%)

Skill 3: Breath of the Nature Dragon D

Clears Debuffs from party and inflicts toxic status, attack down, and defense down on all enemies.

NP: The Legend of Robin Hood

(Arts) Deals Minimal damage to all enemies, inflicts poison >increases with overcharge< all enemies, and Reduce targeted enemy's Arts resistance >Increases with overcharge<

Battle Start 1: Is someone disturbing the peace again!? Let's go, troupe!

Battle start 2: With the blessings of the Forest, I will defeat you!

Skill 1: Laaa~

Skill 2: Am I doing this right? I'm new to this Robin Hood thing!

Skill 3: Listen to the song of nature!

Card select 1: Hold on, I'm cocking my bow!

Card select 2: Right away!

Card select 3: No holding back!

Noble Phantasm Select 1: Do, Re, Me, Fa, So, La, Ti, Do~

Noble Phantasm Select 2: Hold on! Where's that flute, it's somewhere in my cloak...

Noble Phantasm Select 3: I wrote this myself! I do not take criticism.

Attack 1: Just how he taught me!

Attack 2: Ahahaha!

Attack 3: Behold! The beauty of nature!

Noble Phantasm 1: Now! Listen up, open your ears! This is only one of the most famous European myths in all of history! *flute rendition of Oo-De-Lally* Thanks for joining, you were a great crowd!

Noble Phantasm 2: The many legends of Robin Hood, gathered into one beautiful ballad! A concentration of vigilante heroism! Don't even bother to plug your ears! *Oo-De-Lally, Oo-De-Lally, golly what a day*

Damage 1: Gah!

Damage 2: You're so rude!

Damage from NP 1: I...! Can't...! Back...! Doooown...!

Damage from NP 2: My costume!

Defeat 1: Robin... Help...

Defeat 2: I just wanted... to be a hero of the people...

Battle Finish 1: Thanks, critters of the forest!

Battle Finish 2: Doing good is so hard, but it's so rewarding!

Profile:

Initial bond: Elizabeth has taken inspiration from the infamous Robin Hood to become the shadowed and hidden protector of Halloween! Neither the words shadowed or hidden apply to her, she still does her best.

Bond 1:

Height/Weight: 5'1" ・ 97lbs

Source: Historical Fact

Country of Origin: Hungary

Alignment: Neutral・Good

Gender: Female

Comment from her archery instructor: "She has potential, but did she have to go with Robin Hood!? It's embarrassing to deal with for me!"

Bond 2: One of the Robin Hood myths involves him being a noble, or an ex-noble, unhappy with the treatment of the people by their fellow nobleman. This Robin Hood is the manifestation of that, being a well-meaning noble wanting to give back to the people through stealing from other nobles and distributing wealth.

Bond 3: While this Robin Hood is not specifically money, this case involves the redistribution is candy! Elizabeth Bathory, with her love of Halloween, refuses to let someone hoity toity mysterious nobleman hoard all of the candy for himself, and thus donned the classic Green of the specter Robin Hood!

Bond 4:

May Princess EX: A unique take on the May King that Elizabeth associates with Robin Hood. However, this is mostly due to the cloak in question being enchanted by the very one in question, knowing that if she was going to go through with this, she would most definitely get hurt. Feeling responsible, he placed protection runes on it to make certain she wouldn't die.

Animal Communication A: Her dragon nature mixed with her current link to nature(not to mention her status as the May Princess) has given this Robin Hood the ability to communicate with animals.

Breath of the Nature Dragon D: An enhancement of her Breath of The Dragon E skill. This skill was tweaked when she adopted the persona of Robin Hood, making the mana more equivalent to that of a druid's than a supersonic blast of sound, restoring her allies to their normal state and debilitating the enemies somewhat with song.

Bond 5:

The Legend of Robin Hood: A manifestation of the myriad legends of Robin hood gathered into one song, weaponizing all the concepts and beliefs that people have about the figure as an assault on the enemy. The poison comes from both the death that Robin Hood was believed to have and her own connection with "Robin Hood" and "A person who uses poison as a weapon of justice".

Bond 6: (Complete Elizabeth Hood and Her Merry Troupe)

While Elizabeth Bathory is one of the most infamous murderers in all of history, we can't forget that she has been summoned as a 14 year old girl. Hyped on imagination, silliness, ideals of the Robin Hood persona, and sugar, she's bound to be a bit more active than usual. Sometimes, even a princess can want to run around and frolic, to get a bit dirty, to be a kid. Let her play the roll, let her be a child. She doesn't have to be that evil vampire, the murderer, or the proper dragon idol all the time.

My room lines:

Bond 1: Remember! I am not Elizabeth Bathory, I'm Robin Hood! I'm not hiding it, but refer to me as Robin! Or Robinette since we already have a Robin... Wait, Robin is already a name that isn't feminine or masculine! Hmmm... AUGH! Lizzyhood! I'm Lizzyhood!

Bond 2: My thoughts on the common folk? I certainly treated them wrong... Well, it's in the past, right? Even if people remember me that way, I can't change their thoughts.

Bond 3: Hm? Does how people view me bother me? Of course not! I've abandoned such silly ideas, I'm Lizzyhood now! ...You like me though, right? I want you to like me at least, since you're my Master.

Bond 4: I learned everything I know about Robin Hooding from the real deal! His face was priceless when he saw me in this outfit, so funny! And he immediately got me into training with a bow too! Though... he didn't really look like he was having fun... I must've been a bad student? Ugh, why am I worrying about that!?

Bond 5: You said that Robin was just like that because he was worried, right? I'm... relieved. I don't want him to find me annoying, or bratty, or anything like that. I want to be his equal! I want him... to like me as a comrade and friend! Even though what I said should be true... I want people to like me, even now. But... because of my past... Eh? You-you're... my biggest fan? Even with... I... *sniff* You can't go making a hero of the people cry like that, Master...

Conversation 1: Deerlet/Puppy, what shall we do today? Shall we go out and help the people?

Conversation 2: Master and Servant? Someone like me doesn't need a Master! Can I call you backup for now? At least for a bit?

Conversation 3: I made this myself you know! What do you think? I'm pretty, right? Like a little forest princess!

Conversation 4: People are really calling me cute in this outfit... Ah, I'm too adorable, I can't stay hidden!

Conversation 5 (Robin Hood): Oh hey! My fellow protector of the common folk! Robin, I've been doing great, right? Are you proud? ...What was that about childhood flashbacks? What's with that grin!? This isn't a game to me, I'm serious!

Conversation 6 (Any Nero): My rival! Even moreso now that I am a hero of the commoners, she is the picture perfect image of a corrupt leader who wants nothing more than to waste her time doing nothing and stealing citizen's money! But she's still a friend so I'm not mad at her or anything.

Conversation 7 (Emiya): When I was talking about how I'm a hero of the people, that red guy got all nervous. Does he have issues with that phrase? ...I probably shouldn't ask.

Conversation 8 (Any demonic servant): U-um... I-I-I-I'm a hero against tyrants, not demons... No! I can do this! Anything to protect the people...!

Likes: I love the commoners, and protecting them against the evil and the corrupt! But, other than that, singing is still my favorite thing to do.

Dislikes: With this on, I like closed spaces even less. Give me a forest over an inn's room any day!

During an Event: Ooh! That looks fun! Um, Deerlet/Puppy, let's take a bit of a break! Even a Robin Hood needs to do a bit of R and R now and again!

Birthday: Because it was your special day, I went out and picked some berries for a fruit pie! The crust is only a little burned on this one, but other than that it's perfect! Please enjoy!

Robin on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): She's still at that... Look, don't get me wrong, seeing her be so excited is heartwarming, but when I see her I see myself, when I started. I don't want what happened to me happen to her... As long as she's having fun, who am I to stop her beyond keeping her safe?

Nero (Caster) on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): Aw, how disappointing… I really wanted Elizabeth to be in a swimsuit so we could have a bit of fun in the ocean... But, even in those garbs she is quite the adorable figure indeed!

Proto Cu on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): Well, look who it is! Someone's having a fun time, why don't I give you a hand with that whole justice for the commonfolk thing? Come on, let's have a bit of fun whacking corrupt officials together! I got a few in mind right now!

Tristan on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): That dragon girl is playing dressup, and she seems to be even more interested in me now. Ah, it's because I'm a knight, a musician, AND an Archer...? Am I going to have trouble, Master?

Bedivere on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): The legendary Robin Hood... I know there are many alternate character interpretations of him, but... Wings and a tail? And hot pink? I never envisioned such flashiness on a thief...

Fuuma on Robin Hood (Elizabeth Bathory): I feel an odd sense of kinship with Elizabeth right now. Both of us, the blood countess and a person with oni blood, beings of evil that are trying to protect people... I must thank her for letting me join, it was really fun.

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combustiblegarbage · 3 years

Text

please ignore this post. it is going to be inserting small clippings of fics written 7-10 years ago and laughing at myself.

me at every party where there’s alcohol

[parents just don’t understand starts playing except replace parents with Brother]

this fic really had al get mad at ed for leaving what would soon become nazi germany. wtf @ baby me

i wrote a LOT of “our side of the gate roy mustang but with debilitating ptsd since ww1″ and u know what? that’s very valid of me

this fic is titled “parental royed” but the only parental thing roy does is try to keep ed away from a serial killer who’s brutally butchering people like. i mean. i guess that’s not NOT parental?

ok so apparently this was about ROY’s parents. interesting development

this actually is from a touchign little piece about al visiting roy and riza in the early days after getting his body back :’)

wow. i’m a huge bitch for this. i’m so sad

i wrote so, so, so many pages of havoc and riza going undercover on a mission and having to pretend to be ~~sexy~~ and her getting injured and roy having to rush over and break their cover. now i can’t even bring myself to read it at all because it’s such an embarrassing concept lmfao

and so many babies!!!!!!!! disgusting!!!!!!!!!!! royai would never have a baby!!!!!!

sick burn riza

i named the canon edwin babies will and sara and in my mind that is Forever what their actual names are

this is about a potential royai child named maes (which i now cringe about, but to my teenage credit there’s a whole paragraph where the kid is like it’s so fucked up that my dad named me after his dead best friend) and like. man

me, a 14yo royai fan: writes about how my otp’s son thinks his parents hate each other

WOWEE a couple snippets of a sad rose ficlet coming in

the idea of no one bothering to tell a traumatized rose what date her baby was born is so real and also insane to me. scar may have cared for her but he wasn’t thinking about the future, thinking about her raising that baby; and it would never have even occurred to dante because rose was just a pawn in her plan

this quote was Formative in the way i began to unravel and understand riza’s relationship to her father ): what a terrible thing he did to her. i wrote a lot about how she spent years strugglign to identify her worth as a person and not just a Vessel. it so sad

can someone tell me why 14yo me just wrote out the lyrics for it ends tonight by the all american rejects in large font and then saved it to my computer oh my god. i scrolled down and it’s HYUROI YAOI

#happy new year i'm reviewing my old hard drive lmfao

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outrageousloveinc · 4 years

Text

281 Synonyms for the Poor

When we think of the poor, it is important to remember that our minds are formed by our language. Much of our ideas of what the poor are like or why they are in the situation they find themselves has less to do with the actual people but more the heavy-weight of language and implication. I think the negative implications associated with the poor are found here in our synonyms. these are words that over time in the English language have been used interchangeably with poor.

As I was researching this, I found myself again and again shocked by the misconceptions that the poor face in our culture. Synonyms for the poor include the idea of a bum, crook and corruption, defect and deficient, disease, evil, sin, dull, impotent, unwashed, wickedness, unpleasant, trash, rubbish, stupidity, pushover, and looser. In my interactions with the “poor,” I can attest that they are no more or less those than any other segment of society.

Here at Joe’s Addiction, we look at each individual, looking past the pain and past to do our best to see all their potential and beauty. We may not be able to change their financial situation, but we can see beyond the label society places on them to the true person within. Each human individual is created with infinite value in and of themselves. As a society, we should not measure the value of a person nor their moral character by their ability to make money.

I found this list to be a cause for reflection and repentance. Assumptions that I didn’t even know I had, and some that were just below the surface, had to be examined and then replaced with a clear picture of a beautiful human.

I think the healthiest synonyms were those that did not assign value or morality to a human, but simply described their situation. It is my hope that as we examine our own language, ideas that reduce the value of a human, do to a disability or lack of finances like this might be adjusted so we can become a society of mutual respect and honor.

So here is a list of 281 synonyms for the poor. I hope you find freedom from prejudice and misconceptions that our language implanted in us and are able to break free to see the individuals that struggle next door to you and me in every city of our world.

alleviation

amount

anguish

at-risk-of-poverty

baby

bad

bad luck

baddies

baja

bankrupt

bare

bareness

base

bass

bassline

beggar

bit

blackguard

blew

blue

boom

boring

bourgeoisie

boyfriend

branch

broke

bum

bummer

casualisation

casualization

child

citizens

coarse

common

commonality

commonalty

commoner

commons

community

corruption

crook

crowd

crush

crying shame

curse

dale

damage

dearth

debilitated

debility

decline

defect

defenselessness

deficiency

deficient

deficit

degradation

degree

denial

depletion

depravity

depressed

deprivation

deprived

destitute

destitution

detriment

difficulty

disadvantage

disadvantaged

disappointment

disapproval

disease

disgrace

disgusting

disservice

distress

dregs

drop

dull

embarrassment

evil

exiguity

exiguous

exposure

failing

failure

faint

faintness

feebleness

few

flaw

foible

fragility

frailty

fraud

frustration

gap

good

grief

grievance

grieving

grifter

hack

hardship

harm

have-nots

heartache

heartbreak

hell

helplessness

hostel

humble

hurt

hurting

impairment

impotence

impoverished

impoverishment

inability

inadequacy

incompetent

indent

indigence

indigent

ineptitude

infant

inferior

infirmity

injury

insecurity

insolvency

instability

institution

insufficiency

junior

lack

lad

less

level

little

loser

loss

lover

low

low class

lower

lowly

mala

malabsorption

meager

mean

mediocre

mediocrity

minor

minute

mischief

misconception

misery

misfortune

miss

moment

nakedness

needy

nonsense

nude

nudity

on uppers

ordinary

outdoors

pain

paltry

paragraph

paucity

pauper

pauperism

pauperization

peasant

penchant

penury

person

pity

plight

poor man

poor people

poorer

populace

poverty

poverty-stricken

powerlessness

precariousness

precarity

privation

proletarian

proletariat

puny

pushover

quality

qualmish

quantity

quick

rabble

regret

remorse

retardation

riff-raff

riffraff

river

rough

rubbish

sad

sanctuary

scarcity

sentence

shame

sheep

short

shortage

shortcoming

shortfall

sick

sickness

simple

sin

size

skinny

slender

slight

small

smallness

sorrow

sorry

sparseness

starvation

starveling

starving

stupidity

subparagraph

suffering

sympathy

syncope

thing

time

trash

uncertainty

underfinancing

underperformance

underprivilege

underprivileged

undersupply

undress

unhappiness

unhappy

unlucky person

unpleasant

unwashed

upper

upset

useless

vile

villain

volume

vulnerability

want

weakening

weakling

weakness

whitish

wickedness

woe

wretch

young

youngster

#poor #poverty #compassion #synonyms

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mrsvasiliev · 5 years

Text

Guess what I did instead of working on that Shobbs fic?

So instead of writing that fic I promised @thefuckingwarship, I compiled a list! A list that is fueled by my love for Jason Statham. But this is not a typical “actor crush” where I think an actor is hot or charming. This is what I call a “dad crush” where I often find myself wishing his badass characters would be my dad. It probably has to do with the fact that he spends two movies bonding with little Chinese girls. As a former little Chinese girl, I am very affected. So I made a list, with notes, ranking every character I’ve seen him play in order of my dad preference. Please feel free to add to this or disagree with me. I’d love to hear other people’s opinions on his dad potential. (I’ll get back to working on that fic I swear!)

Metrics:

Ranking: My order of preference for how much I want them to be my dad. Not necessarily logical. Not fully based on other ratings.

Fun factor: how much fun you have when you are with him. How funny/cool they are. Does not indicate care/ reliability/ bond.

Dad factor: reliability. emotional availability. protectiveness. General dad qualities.

1. Jonas Taylor - charming and good with kids. Not an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Has good healthy relationships with everyone. Lives in a world where it’s “take your kids to work day” every day, which means awesome ocean adventures and learning how to fight sharks. Fun Factor: 10/10 Dad Factor: 9/10

2. Phil Broker - Like Jonas, he is also good with kids, emotionally available and balanced. Stay at home dad, with dad powers at 1000%. Will rescue you single-handedly from kidnappers. Will go horseback riding with you after school. Will do literally anything for you, from kicking asses to licking boots. Loses first place to Jonas because he has no personality/hobbies outside of being the best dad ever. I can see the relationship being a little suffocating as you grow older. Won’t take you on cool adventures like fighting biker gangs and blowing up meth labs, because he’s too protective. :( Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 100/10

3. Luke Wright - Cool, laid back dad. Treats you as an equal. Will respect your autonomy and intelligence. Happy to let you spread your wings, but always there to catch you when you fall. Will run your enemies over with a car several times. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 10/10

4. Deckard Shaw - Displayed a lot of cool uncle vibes with baby Brian, so definitely great with kids. Psycho-bananas for family. Probably will be a very involved and protective dad. Unlike Phil, who completely divorces himself from his job to be a dad, being a badass assassin is basically the Shaw family business. You will learn how to make bombs and kill people. Will have many cool adventures saving the world. Fun Factor: 15/10 Dad Factor: 8/10

5. Jensen Ames - Good solid family man type. Works hard to provide for you. Breaks out of jail and murders people to get daughter back. Will raise you in a dystopian Mexican junkyard. Fun Factor: 2/10 Dad Factor: 9/10

6. Rick Ford - Most embarrassing dad ever! You will probably not survive past puberty because you would have died of embarrassment at some point. Will tackle being a dad with as much intensity and enthusiasm as everything else. Honestly kind of cute in his earnestness. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 11/10

7. Danny Bryce - Emotionally stunted tough guy. Is responsible and competent. Like Phil, he leaves his badassery behind for his family, so no awesome adventures. :( Cares about you in his own gruff way, but has trouble expressing it probably. You can always depend on him. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 7/10

8. Turkish - Great sense of humour, cool dude, seems like a good time to be around. Hustling to make a living and provide for you. Lost to Danny because he is a little bumbling and not very competent. You might lose your dad because he got killed by gangsters or arrested by the police. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 6/10

9. Lee Christmas - Lee seems like a cool dude too. Not around a lot, but shows a genuine desire for family (i.e. the Lacy debacle). Would treasure his relationship with you. You’ll have a good time whenever he is around, but he would be gone for months at a time. Expect to have 20 badass, doting aunts/uncles. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 4/10

10. Quentin Connors - Intelligent and competent. He has a sense of loyalty but ultimately is selfish and a little narcissistic. Not a good man. But he does have one billion dollars. My moral compass kind of goes haywire from the magnetic pull of one billion dollars. Fun Factor: 7/10 Dad Factor: 4/10

11. Tony Leather - Family man with questionable priorities. Claims to be pulling jobs to provide for his family, but clearly attached to his criminal buddies and lifestyle. Disregards his wife's concerns and protests. Tony cares about his family but can’t prioritize it over the con. Good with his kids though. Fun Factor: 5/10 Dad Factor: 4/10

12. Chev Chelios- Human disaster. Trying to improve himself. Probably not a responsible dad, but will make an honest effort. Will bring you to some horribly inappropriate places. Will let you get away with a lot. Fun factor: 6/10 Dad factor: 4/10

13. Jack Crawford - Obsessed with finding his partner’s killer. You’ll always take a backseat to the case. Total disappointment of a dad. Does care about you and will try, but expect to be tossed to the side as soon as he gets a lead. Fun Factor: 2/10 Dad Factor: 3/10

14. Bateman - Loving guy. Seems smart and charming. Like Christmas, he has a longing for family and will likely treasure his relationship with any children of his. Is, unfortunately, a crackhead, therefore cannot be trusted to be responsible for kids. Fun Factor: 5/10 Dad Factor: 2/10

15. Nick Wild - Has a strong sense of loyalty and responsibility. But is also a self-destructive, compulsive gambler. Is definitely an “emotionally stunted tough guy”. Will care about you, but will not be emotionally available. Can count on him to avenge you for your murder at least. Fun Factor: 3/10 Dad Factor: 2/10

16. Bacon- Immature, deadbeat dad. Seem like the type of guy who dumps the heavy lifting of parenthood on his partner. Will be around to play with you when it’s convenient for him. More likely to hang out with his mates. Maybe 1 hour/week of dad time. Fun Factor: 4/10 Dad Factor: 1/10

17. Tom Brandt - Another entry for embarrassing dads as well as “emotionally stunted tough guy” dads. Total fashion disaster. That lumpy-ass-old-man-sweater with baggy sweatpants?!! Ewww…. No social grace or manners. Will kill you with embarrassment just like Rick Ford. Proven time and again to be prone to excessive violence. A domestic abuse case waiting to happen. Fun Factor: 0/10 Dad Factor: 1/10

18/19 Arthur Bishop/ Handsome Rob - Does not know you exist. You don’t even know their name. Your mom doesn’t know their name either. Fun Factor: 0/10 Dad Factor: 0/10 (Resurrection does not exist to me)

20. Joey Jones (Smith) - Clearly cares about his family. Provides for you. Protective too. Has debilitating PTSD. Lives in self-imposed exile. Would be a great dad if he weren’t so FUCKING SAD and full of self-loathing. Could be #4 or 5 if he got help. Fun Factor: -100/10 Dad Factor: 5/10

BONUS: Frank Martin - Ultimate responsible parent. Has a lot of rules. Tells you to take your feet off his furniture. Will complain about you getting his upholstery dirty. A constant air of exasperation. Uses “I’m going to count to three” as a threat. Will make you get to the airport 3 hours early and sit in the terminal. Will drop you off at school, appointments, and extracurriculars with military precision. Fun Factor: 3/10 Mom Factor:10/10

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damienthepious · 5 years

Text

gonna keep being negative under the cut for a bit

i feel like ninety percent of the problems in my life could be easily solved if i could just make myself not be paralyzed by incredibly minor barriers.

can’t figure out how to get a ride to PP without feeling mildly embarrassed or as if i’m inconveniencing someone, or without making like a single fucking phone call? guess i just won’t go for literal years!!! even though having a doctor actually look at me for the first time since 2011 would probably be a good thing, even though being on birth control would be INCREDIBLY FREEING and remove a major stressor in my life, even though i could theoretically inroad myself to therapy through their services!!!

feel terrified by the idea the unknown? guess i just won’t call anyone to get answers about potential apartments for rent in the area, won’t even consider making plans to move somewhere more distant, despite the fact that living with my dad is emotionally debilitating and i feel like i’ve been spinning my wheels for a goddamn decade!

don’t have anyone directly who i trust to teach me how to drive? guess i fucking won’t then, even though i don’t live somewhere pedestrian/bicycle/public transit friendly!!!

literally a millisecond of stress will turn my exec dysf so fucking hard that i just fail to exist. wonderful. great. i don’t know how to stop failing. i have things i want to do in my fucking life and i keep sabotaging myself to the point where the helplessness is more powerful than any other part of me. anyway. ugh.

#elle babbles #negativity //

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inaudiblemon · 5 years

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Sorry, I just gotta vent this to get it out of my brain and into a semblance or order. I’ve been percolating on a thing since last week. Mostly, on exhaustion and anxiety, and how both have been my big problems over the last year.

Exhaustion is an easy one to figure out; I just endeavoured to do too much this past year, and with how emotionally taxing things have been over the past few months, it’s a no-brainer as to why I get so tired so fast. I just went to the gym this morning and I’m already tapped out. I haven’t been sleeping well, I’m either eating too much or too little, and while having my cat Samwell around has created more structure into my life, it doesn’t fix the feeling of being so brain-dead all the time. I have a progress-meeting with other students this Friday (organized by my thesis supervisor), and I’m dreading it, because I haven’t had the concentration to get much work done, so, the potential for embarrassment is pretty high. There’s stuff I was supposed to have done over the summer that I haven’t even touched (and I technically got paid for), and I’m having a hard time getting into the mindset of transcribing the audio for my own data.

I put in non-stop effort from January to June this year, juggling classes, work contracts and my thesis for those six months; it’s tiring to put in a lot of effort and to have your depressed and anxious brain not be able to celebrate the achievements (or to see the progress you’ve made). And then all the shit that happened over the summer, I think I just collapsed under the pressure from all the things I was trying to pour myself into. While I don’t want to rush my recovery, I can’t keep hiding under my metaphorical couch to play video games. I’m not helping myself under the guise of “self-care” if I’m not actively trying to get back on that horse (but like, in a careful way, after taking the time to see how I’ll do it). I need help figuring out where to go from here, so that I can do the things and not feel absolutely exhausted all the time.

And then, anxiety. I’ve been trying to do more things out of the house, and some things have been working; others, not so much. I went to see a comedy show in Toronto (a bad financial decision made at a time where I thought I’d have enough money to survive the year), and honestly, I needed that. I got to have time where I wasn’t in a rush for things, got to stop into some cool book shops and restaurants, and it was my favourite comedian, who is unique in that he’s especially kind and goofy.

Although, when I got there, I was immediately faced with a crowd composed of couples and people who came with friends, and the only seats left were in front. I get nervous and sit down, but talked a bit with a couple who had also driven down from Ottawa, who were super cool and invited me to come see them at the coffeeshop where they work (I want to do that soon)! The comedian does crowdwork, and I had been mentally prepping myself to talk all day, since he talks to EVERYONE at his show. And for the most part, it was fun, but since literally every other person in the room was there with their SO, it was mostly centred around that, which, y’know, adds to the loneliness of taking the train for 6 hours to see a show by myself. His last bit was about a Halloween joke, and being a big fan of the holiday, I gave him an enthusiastic “Yeah dude!”, and he turns to me, and is like “Dude, I didn’t even see you, it’s the first time you’ve spoken up. What’s up man? What you got going on?”. It was a friendly and jovial invitation to start banter, and I froze. This guy I admire for his kind sense of humour took the opportunity to ask my consent to be funny with me, a literal dream I couldn’t believe was happening; I’ve wanted this moment. But anxiety took over with a “Dude, I got nothin’, I’m sorry man”. He replied something to the affect of “That’s alright man” and did his Halloween joke, and it was great, but I felt shitty because anxiety got the best of me and ruined what could have been a cool moment.

I got the chance to speak to him and his wife after the show (she often tags along for his gigs, or appears as a disembodied voice during his sets to roast him; they also have a podcast together, it’s hilarious) and I didn’t really know what to say when I got up to see them; he noticed I was nervous and suggested we take a photo, and we did. He was super gracious that I came to see, and I thanked him for answering a question I sent in months ago on his YouTube morning show. I fumbled with my words but I got the essentials out before thanking him again and letting someone else talk to him. His wife talked to me a bit about coming from Ottawa to see the show, and how I made friends with the other couple from Ottawa. It was really pleasant, and she was a delight despite the fact I felt I was rambling, and I just wished I hadn’t been so nervous and awkward.

It’s a long story, but it helps to illustrate something I’ve been confronting daily: I get anxious real easy around other people and it ruins moments, it’s debilitating, it prevents me from doing things normally and it upsets me. I feel I’m always fumbling around with my words, restarting sentences, or I get real quiet, or get caught off guard and don’t know what to say, or I start rambling. I want to be more confident, in control and comfortable, but how do I go about changing that? I don’t want to stay idle on this anymore, I need guidance.

And thus, I think the obvious conclusion here is to never speak to anyone ever again because the world is a scary place filled with judgement and doing things is hard especially when there is little to no payoff for doing them and finding motivation and energy to do things is a struggle finally start going to therapy because I need help dealing with my shit.

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micropenisunveiled-blog · 5 years

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How Having a Small Penis Messes With Men’s Minds

I noticed my penis was one of the smaller in the bunch as a kid, when I used the communal showers after swimming, track and basketball practices. So for a long time public washing was strictly off limits—I'd rather drive home from the gym in my sweaty clothes and shower in the privacy of my own apartment.

My insecurities about his 3.3-inch erection affect more than just my hygiene habits. Condoms didn't stay on well, and that made sex more of an anxiety trip than it already was. In a recent bout of obsession, I gathered a "database" of scientific papers on penises and measured myself multiple times a day for several weeks to see how I sized up. Growing up, it shaped me socially, even when my pants were on. Because of teasing from my brothers and some team mates at school I became quite insecure. I had an ongoing fear that I would never grow up, never become a man. I feel that my low self-esteem, due to my size, was a main driver for this. I did an interview with Michelle Malia, freelance reporter on November 3 2017 that was published in Tonic.

I am reprinting the article here.

I suspect that lots of guys can relate to my story. It is part of why I started this website.

THE TONIC ARTICLE

Almost one in five American men are unhappy with the length of their erection, according to a recent study of more than 4,000 men, and another 15 percent have a problem with their girth. You won't be surprised to learn that the guys who thought their penises fell short had less sex than the penis-proud group. "Being small can be the heaviest of burdens. I'm genuinely afraid of everything and everybody alike," says David, 30. "I feel I just can't be truly sexually desirable to women with my size."

There's a lot of dick-shaming that perpetuates this idea. When Marco Rubio exposed Donald Trump's small hands, Trump felt the need to tell the whole country that his penis was perfectly fine, thanks. (On national television. During a presidential debate.) In a Fat Shack ad, a seductive blonde—lips parted, a trail of mustard dripping out of her mouth á la cum—holds a sandwich. "Four inches has never been so satisfying," the caption reads.

It goes beyond mainstream news and marketing and weasels its way into casual conversation. "A lot of the jokes we make in everyday life are often sexually related in one way or another," says Abraham Morgentaler, a urologist and the director of Men's Health Boston, whose practice focuses on the health effects of testosterone deficiency. "It's sort of standard humor for guys to josh each other about masculinity type stuff, including penis size."

Movies and television frequent take jabs at villains and characters by assaulting their masculinity. No one would consider making fun of a man with one arm, or a blind individual. When asked in a recent Bloomberg poll what bothered them most about Donald Trump voters picked one action above all others: when he mocked a reporter with a disability in November 2015. But no one winces when someone makes fun of a man’s small penis. Interesting!

Morgentaler calls men with dick fixations "peno-centric." The idea that the size of your junk validates you as a man might start as early as boyhood. "When we're younger and coming of age sexually, when there's a lack of sophistication about what it means, number one, to be a man, and number two to be a good lover, the thing that men can see and point to and certainly think about is really the penis," he says.

Boyhood is synonymous with inexperience, and sadly, we don't magically figure everything out as adults. Some guys may think they're small even when they're not, but for the ones who do fall left of the bell curve, the best way to get over it is by being realistic about what your penis "should" look like and how important it really is in the long term”, Morgentaler says.

Lots of people never have the chance to see other people having healthy, real-life sex, so they might base their expectations on the sex they do see, usually in porn. But—shocker—porn is not real life. Those macho men are more than well endowed and that can give off the wrong idea, that you need to sport an eight- or nine-inch shaft (also, ow—but we'll get to that later) to satisfy your sex partners.

"If a guy watches 50 or 100 of these video clips, he's going to feel inadequate because he may be smaller than every one of those," Morgentaler says. "But those men are extremely unusual." When researchers sifted through data on more than 15,000 men, they found that the average penis is 3.6 inches soft and 5.2 inches erect. Nothing like many of the massive dicks we see on our laptops.

On a purely biological level, it's also irrational to think size has anything to do with your baby-making skills. "If it matters from an evolutionary standpoint, the best question would be, does it increase fertility?" says Robert Martin, an evolutionary biologist and adjunct professor at the University of Chicago. "The testes size indicates the potential of producing sperm, but I don't see any connection between penis size and anything that would be important in evolutionary terms." There's no evidence that primates have ever used their penises as a power display, he adds, and it may even have little to no effect on how physically desirable you are as a man.

Australian researchers generated 343 life-size male figures that ranged in body shape, body height, and penis size. They projected these "men" on a screen and asked 105 heterosexual women to rate how sexually attractive they were. The women cared most about body shape, which was responsible for 79.6 percent of attractiveness. (They preferred a triangular torso with wide shoulders and narrow hips.) Height came next with 6.1 percent, and penis size fell by the wayside, accounting for only 5.1 percent of attractiveness. "It seems to be a male preoccupation," Martin says.

It's a preoccupation that can be debilitating. Andy, 24, has never heard complaints from sex partners about his 4.7-inch erection, but he still can't shake the feeling that he's coming up a half-inch short. "It lingers in my mind throughout the day on a regular basis," he says. "It causes great anxiety and depression most of the time." Andy started to notice he was smaller than average when he was 19. Like Jase, he also measures a lot. "There [have] been days when I find myself spending a huge amount of time with a ruler next to my penis."

When he's naked in front of sex partners, he often tries to cut through the awkwardness of the initial reveal by being self-deprecating—"It's small, huh?"—but nobody has ever complained or agreed.

It's not crazy that Andy's partners aren't throwing him shade. When it's part of the equation, the penis is an important part of sex—whether it's the real thing or the dildo equivalent. But it's not everything. "How we talk and behave in bed, how we touch, these are all important parts of what makes for good sex," Morgentaler says. "The hands and the mouth and the lips are all part of that. The penis is just one part of the repertoire."

Bigger is not always better, and that goes for anal, too. Research in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that 72 percent of women and 15 percent of men feel pain during anal sex. In another study, 76 percent of bottoms reported pain during anal, and for 23 percent of those guys, it was worse than mild.

Not to mention more than a third of women need clitoral stimulation, not penetration, to reach orgasm.

Jace told us that he wonders if he was born bisexual, or if his life experiences led him to exploring sexuality with men, specifically because of his fear of intimacy with women after bad experiences. In his relationships with women he told us that he had used large strap-ons, penis extenders, and sex toys of all kinds before he finally figured out all women need is need is clitoral stimulation to reach her oh-my-god moments. Now I helps her plateau using the basics: his mouth and, sometimes, a vibrator. In his relations with men Jace told us that he is exclusively a bottom, and has come to prefer orgasms through prostate stimulation.

Jace has three decades of life in the books, he's been married and in a long term dom/sub relationship with another man—that's a lot of time to figure out what is and isn't important in your relationships and sex life. Younger guys might need to live a little more before they figure that out. "Every time I hear stories about guys my age hooking up and having one-night stands and even being in relationships, it gets to me because I know I can't ever do any of those [things] because of my size," Andy says.

The peno-centric approach can keep you from engaging with others in all sorts of ways, whether fully clothed or bare-ass naked. Morgentaler recently saw a patient who was worried that he wasn't "developed" down there—despite his junk being "completely normal," Morgentaler says—and because of that, he was still a virgin.

Jace doesn't get regular checkups anymore, because at his last visit the doctor brought in several interns including a young woman to check him for a hernia. "I really thought that I was going to die of embarrassment right in the doctor's office," he says.

David doesn't like swimming or going to the beach because he feels exposed. "I can say with all my heart, I'd be way more happy and have a better life if I had a normal penis," he says.

It might seem like a huge deal when it comes to first-time hookups or one-night stands, but in the longer term, your penis does not take top priority. Most aspects of a relationship have nothing to do with what's in your pants—compatibility, mutual respect, and sense of humor, to name a few. Good sex is also high up there in importance, but using your penis is just one way to satisfy your partner, and it's naive to prioritize size over everything else.

"I would emphasize that this problem often goes away when a guy ends up in a stable relationship, because the couple figures out what they do that works, and penis size is usually not an impediment," Morgentaler says. "The quality of the man is not dependent on the size of his penis."

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cummunication · 6 years

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23 Lessons

Today is my birthday. 24 years of ups, downs and everything in between. 23 was a challenging year full of obstacles but needless to say, I got through it (always do). At the heart of a birthday is an opportunity to tell someone, “I’m glad you were born,” also “I’m happy you’re alive.” Despite the fact I am getting older, aging is a sign I have breath in my lungs and my heart is still beating. I am blessed for the lessons I continually learn the more time I spend on earth and the amazing people I continue to meet. So I will let my story unfold and see what 24 has in store. Every one of our stories is important and that is something worth celebrating. So here are 23 lessons I have learned over time plus 1 bonus for my birthday.

1. There is no such thing as a pain free life. Living life to the fullest requires bad experiences. In order to genuinely enjoy life, you must take the bad with the good and vice versa. “Courage is not the absence of fear.” Meaning, fear and courage co-exist. There are voices in my head that tell me to give up and I let them boss me around. Fear can be crippling and it has prevented me from doing things many years. It can seem as though everybody else is moving forward while I’m left behind. That’s terrifying. Bravery is accepting your fear and doing it anyway.

2. It’s nearly impossible to accept love until you love yourself. For so long I pushed people away; creating walls between me and people I care about. The thought process behind this was if I did not let love in, they could not hurt me. I know letting people close is uncomfortable for me because when you’re unable to love yourself, any type of love given seems threatening. Human connection can feel repulsive and foreign when you push it away for so long. But if you don’t love yourself, how do you expect others to?

3. I am not a label. Just because you’re diagnosed with something does not mean it is your identity. Having bipolar disorder does not mean I am bipolar. We are so much more than the boxes society puts us in. You need not be ashamed of your illness, mental or physical. If you wouldn’t be ashamed to tell somebody you had cancer, you shouldn’t feel embarrassed of your mental illness.

4. All emotions are valid. Sometimes we can feel depressed and we don’t have to justify it. No matter how insignificant our feelings may seem, they are important. You are entitled to your emotions because your experiences are real. Don’t let someone tell you it’s “all in your head.” Being continuously invalidated is one of the most damaging things you can do to the psyche. However, don’t fool yourself into thinking your entitlement to emotions is entitlement to unacceptable behavior. If you hurt someone, you are accountable. We should always take responsibility for our decisions.

5. Emotions do not own me. I am guilty of letting emotions overpower me at times. It’s easy to let them take control and get flustered. Sometimes we choose our battles and sometimes, our battles choose us. There’s a quote that says “God only gives us battles he knows we can handle.” Or something to that extent. I’ve been dealt some hands in this game of life I did not want. And yet, we are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. Someone once said the hardest battles are given to the best warriors. Instead of asking why me? I’m learning to ask why not me?

6. There are wars we must face to uncover our full potential. And sometimes we must win without support. Meaning, it sucks when we feel misunderstood by people closest to us. We need to be “saved” because we feel we won’t make it. While guidance is always appreciated, at times, there is no hand to save us from drowning. I have learned that I can walk this road alone if I must.

7. Everyone everywhere is going through something. Everybody is fighting their own version of hell. You never know what the person next to you is going through so try not to be an asshole. You probably have a lot more in common than you realize.

8. Quality over quantity. What good is a lot of something if the quality is shit? This especially applies to relationships. Having thousands of Facebook friend’s left me feeling empty when I had zero friends in real life. Nurture your close relationships to create strong support systems.

9. Try to embrace the present and live less in the past/future. Basically, stop and smell the roses. When you remember to, practice mindfulness. Practice gratitude. It’s super helpful and important to appreciate all we have in our lives, good and bad. Each day I try and reflect on something I’m thankful for. It can be easy to take things for granted and focus on what we don’t have; comparing our negative to everyone else’s positive, resulting in feeling inadequate. Studies show practicing gratitude daily results in increased life satisfaction.

10. Treat everyone you meet with respect. This is a simple rule that can be hard to implement. When people are mean spirited, it can be tempting to spew it right back. But the way we treat others says more about us than it does them.

11. Don't sweat the small stuff. Not everything is a tragedy. I’ve spent so much time and energy on things I later realized I stressed over for no reason. I understand having anxiety can be relentless & debilitating however, we can train ourselves to prioritize what consumes the majority of our attention.

12. People are quick to judge. That doesn’t necessarily mean they are bad people, only human. People will jump to conclusions about what you’re doing wrong & how you could be better but I’ve learned this is to take the focus off of them. I’ve come to realize it’s less important what we say and more important what we understand. That’s why we have two ears and one mouth.

13. There’s more to being beautiful than our looks. There’s more to a person than their clothes, their car, the size of their waist, and their inherent value can never come from the outside. I’ve hated myself because of what I look like, basing my worth on my weight, if my skin is breaking out etc. Throughout my life my appearance will change but at the end of the day I am still me no matter what. Instead of aiming to be “perfect”, I now dedicate most of my awareness to how I can better myself as an intellectual. A boob job or whiting my teeth doesn’t make me more lovable. Real confidence can only come from knowing who you are.

14. Just because I believe something is true, doesn’t mean that it is. A famous quote says “we see things not as they are, but as we are” or something like that. Thoughts are extremely powerful in affecting our beliefs and morals etc. and these are shaped by our experiences growing up/what we were taught. Nonetheless, it is helpful to question our perception of reality. I’ve been forced to challenge what I tell myself in therapy since for a long time all I told myself was that I’m fat, ugly, and useless. We do not see ourselves as others do. Something may feel true in the moment and we are entitled to our feelings but remember, we can not see it from an objective lens. Being in therapy has been especially useful in distinguishing my mental illness and me. It can be tempting to give into my ANTS when things don’t go my way, yet the older I get the better able I am to take a step back.

15. This too shall pass. Everything is temporary. Cliche but true. I enjoy learning Buddhism since it teaches that ultimately, nothing is ours. We own nothing and have control of very little. At first glance this can seem overwhelming and depressing but it gives us a chance to live life to the fullest because, well, in 100 years we’re all going to be dead anyway so why not?! It can be nearly impossible to believe the worst moment of our lives will be a thing of the past when we are entrenched in them, but life is full of ups and downs. It helps to recall the last time I was feeling that way and remind myself I got through it, even though I doubted I would. At times I am scared of happiness in fear of it slipping away, afraid of love because I know all good things end, but living like this will prevent me from seizing opportunities and experiencing joy. Pain passes and so does happiness but when we are willing to let things go with the knowledge they return, they do infact, come back.

16. Nobody thinks about us as much as we do. It is human nature to be all up in our head about ourselves. Humans have a tendency to be self focused and narcissistic. But when I’m feeling particularly self conscious, I tell myself nobody judges me as much as me. Basically, we are our own worst critic. We worry what others think when most likely nobody is worried about us in the first place, they are too busy worrying about themselves. Free yourself of your self scrutiny and let people think what they want. It’s more important what you think of yourself. 17. You can’t change people. I had trouble accepting I could not change my ex. We make excuses for people as to why they are like they are and remain in denial, letting love blind us and keep us in harmful situations. But sometimes love isn’t enough. You can love someone from a distance and let them go. People have to want to change themselves, you can’t do it for them. And you can’t help someone unless they are willing to help themselves.

18. Healing is a journey that comes in many forms. Recovery is not linear and is about progress, not perfection. Self care is vital: don’t let anybody make you think taking care of yourself is selfish. You should always be your number one priority. There’s a different between self love and selfishness.

19. Being single is nothing to frown upon. Never depend upon another to be the source of your joy. You have to get comfortable with yourself before you can ever be in a healthy, interdependent relationship. It’s totally normal to want to be in a relationship but it’s another to need to be in one. I would so much rather be alone than in a relationship out of desperation or loneliness. Celebrate your single-hood and take it as a time to enjoy your independence and self discovery. After all, love comes when you least expect it.

20. Boundaries are necessary. We can’t be truly vulnerable and deeply intimate with someone without clear communication and setting boundaries. I was and still am to an extent, very bad at this. I tend to be an enabler, a doormat, a people pleaser. I want to avoid conflict and not rock the boat so I just say yes to everything. But something I’ve learned is to never destroy yourself in aims to make others happy. It is never worth sacrificing your own peace of mind to try and appease somebody else. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself and your sanity is what’s most important. Trust your intuition; your gut instinct is almost always right and can never lead you wrong. If you don’t want to do something say no! If you want to do something, say yes! Speak up! Setting boundaries and speaking your truth is hard but imperative if you want to have genuine, equal relationships. If not, you will be full of resentment, take it from me. I’ve learned the truth always comes out one way or another anyway, and people respect those who respect themselves enough to be honest. Besides, the most kind people are those who are in touch with themselves and can be assertive in a caring way.

21. Forgiveness is one of the hardest but most crucial steps to happiness. I’m not saying it is necessary to automatically forgive every person who wronged you, trust me I know how shitty it is. But at least have the intent to, at least be open to it. It’s hard to be free until you release the chains of hate from your heart. We may have to continuously address this searing emotional pain and continually work on it but be aware that holding on to past traumas does not prevent them from occurring in the future. While experiences makes us grow, holding things against people only makes us weak and bitter. It’s something I’m still working on, but I know the more I try to forgive people who have scarred me, the less power I give them.

22. That being said, even though certain events may make us feel powerless, our power can never be taken from us. I have dealt with many tragedies in my 24 years. I have felt hopeless, out of control, victimized, helpless and everywhere in between. People may have broken my heart and crushed my spirit, but they can never destroy my soul. They can never touch me at the core of who I am. And the same goes for you.

23. One of the best things we can do for ourselves is to eliminate anybody or anything from our lives that makes us feel less than, or less powerful than we really are. Cutting out toxic, unhealthy and dysfunctional people is the biggest favor you can do for yourself and you will see immediate change.

BONUS - We are never alone, no matter how isolated we may feel. There are people out there who feel the same as you. Find your tribe. Reach out for help. Speak up. You are worth it.

Each time a birthday passes we can take it as an opportunity to reflect and celebrate. It’s a chance to celebrate your story and to give those struggling a chance to find hope in that we can survive all that questions our strength. No matter where life has taken me or what I come across this year, I know for the most part, my worst days are behind me. I have the tools and insight to survive almost anything that crosses my path and with that, I can make light out of the darkest nights. I am a survivor, and so are you.

#survivor #rapesurvivor #dvsurvivor #ptsd recovery #mentalillness #mental health #awareness #recovery #lifelesson #birthday #lifelessons #cancer #cancerian #watersign

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