#the sister who misgenders me

[talisidekick]

If a transgender person asks you to deadname and misgender them in front of certain people. Misgender them and deadname them in front of those people. It doesn't matter how icky or gross it may feel, it doesn't matter you'd rather be honest. It doesn't matter if there's more of you there. Certain people aren't safe, and honesty IS NOT the best policy when honesty could put them at serious risk. It doesn't matter if there's a crowd, because when there isn't shit goes down.

Be an ally, do what they ask. Understand that the trans person knows more about their situation than you do, and this includes who's safe and who's not. Some one can be "trans friendly" to other people, but not to people they know or specific people. Do as the trans person asks, yes it's uncomfortable, but it's 10 times worse if the person we don't trust finds out. 100 times worse if they have access to us when you're not around.

Respect trans peoples safety. Misgender and deadname when asked.

#trans #transgender #lgbt+ #lgbtq+ #2slgbtqia+ #lgbt #transfem #transmasc #transneutral #there is a post about this on my blog but it reminded me of my own situation #my whole family knows I'm out and I didn't want them to #my entire extremely christian catholic and mormon extended family knows because I let my sister tell my parents because we weren't talking #now I live in constant damn fear I'm going to get a message forwarded from family to the point I blocked my own parents #these are dangerous people who will stop at nothing to ruin my life if they find me so I'm going to ask I get deadnamed and misgendered #in front of them #i'm going to lie that it's a joke so I can live my life in relative peace.

[monsterbisexual]

hmmmmm

#sometimes i wonder if i shld think more abt gender stuff? cuz i dont rly sweat it anymore #i dont luv hearing myself called someones daughter/sister etc #also sometimes i worry its like a weird internalized thing for me where i feel like im gross n weird #so im just some Thing/boything #which isnt the worst but its like i also get by in the world being misgendered n called woman stuff #for likeee many yrs now #so maybe its just not the biggest deal for me as some ppl n thats fine? or. idk #n smth abt feeling like im weird n different growing up cuz i Am weird n if that had some effect on how i feel abt my me? #mannnnn why does it even matterrrr #i just feel like maybe i shld do some investigating (in my feelings/brain) but i think overthinking it #will just be stressful n pointless #he/him = good n feels better n so what if im just a Whatever its fineeee #just worried that feelings of being weird n different n feeling ugly etc have made some impact on it #cuz that would be weird :/// idk #im on lunch at work why am i thinking abt this rn #it literally doesnt impact anythingggg #im not Out irl except to my few friends #who caressssss not me i decide! #p

[looktoyourkingdomz]

i hate it when people tell me their sibling/friend/cousin or whatever is trans/nonbinary and then proceed to refer to them with their agab pronouns after explicitly telling me those are not the pronouns they use

#met a nurse who saw me and said oh my sister is non binary! she uses they them pronouns #like do u not see a problem here #or a guy who was like oh i have a friend he said he's happier as a woman and has started living like one #and i'm like okay so you're misgendering your friend rn #but it happens all the time

[supernaturalyaoi]

normalize replying with “who? 🤨” when getting misgendered

#the story behind this is when i lived at home my dad would call me she and i would look my sister in the eye with the most confused face #and say to her ‘who is she????’ #and shed reply shrugging her arms real wide going ‘who is she!’ #and this would go back and forth a few times making my dad sooooo angry #until we pavlov’s dogged him into not misgendering me #also it makes me feel powerful #scott.txt

[angelboybreakdowns]

nothing like realizing that no matter how accepting someone seems, they will always have exceptions. there will always be people who are hated enough for them to be bigoted towards.

#just. idk my sister admitted shes ableist to me but a) wont admit that makes her ableist in general and b) thinks its okay #because were related or some bullshit #you know whats funny is i always thought my mom would be the least accepting one when i come out? but now i think maybe itll be her. #i mean. if calling me an idiot for not understanding social cues and saying my autism is embarrassing is fair game #whos to say misgendering and deadnaming me wont be? #i dont know how she fucking turned out like this. i dont understand how she ended up such a vile person #sure mom and my older sister werent perfect but like. they were probably average as far as parental figures go and i dont understand #what made her become so awful #at least shes not telling me every day that she wants me to kill myself anymore. progress amirite #vent #personal vent but ok to rb if my tags not included #vent in tags #cw ableism

[ihavetoomuchhomeworkforthis]

ib disco, adira's boyfriend has such powerful femboy vibes that my sister keeps misgendering him as "she"

ok so this has been in my drafts for so long because I looked it up and accidentally found out that the actor is actually trans so I should really get my sister to stop doing tha- wait we already watched them all, it's too late, crap

We had all been correcting her every time, (she thought he was a girl the very first time his character was onscreen and didn't ever fully get that he wasn't) but she didn't really try very hard to get his pronouns right, or adira's, once they came out as non-binary, so nearly every time one or both of them was on screen, my brother and sister (who, annoyingly, like to talk about the show during it) would be trying to ask their questions or laugh about what was going on by retelling it, but just constantly tripped over all the pronouns in a mess of gender confusion

#honestly goals #I want to cause that much gender confusion #star trek #star trek disco #star trek discovery #discovery #adira tal #adira #my sister also has told me on several occasions that she much preferred it when I had long hair (which was... about 4 years ago) #and that it's “just weird” and “not how she's used to it” for my hair to be short (which-granted- she hasn't said for a while) #and one time in 8th grade when my friends were pushing me to find a label and I told her I thought maaaybe I wasn't exactly a girl #I think she said something like “but you're my sister 😢” (more than once) #my brother was more accepting but he forgot and I was questioning so I didn't push it #and now lately he's been like “You. Are my sister. 😌” as an affirmative thing in place of “I love you” and that's sweet but #I'm just slightly uncomfortably like *if you say so* #Neither of them are trying to be transphobic though ESPECIALLY not my brother #wow this kind of turned into a rant sorry #the original point was that I thought it was kind of funny how my sister was accidentally misgendering a character who I thought was cis

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

.....

#now he is angry at me again bc i want to talk about it wjen i want #not what happened btw #he asked me and my sister to go out now that he's back in town #and i said to him that i would rather talk alone bc i don't feel comfortable going out with him #he then said that he is only going to be here for 3 days and don't have enough time to do anything #and since he ended our last convo with “ouch'' #i told him that it's up to him to solve it bc he is the one who's hurt #he then proceed to tell me that I'm tje one hurt by the convo #i told him that at least he remembered to use the correct pronouns for once (he was misgendering me so far) #he said that he doesn't want to bring it up again (the subject literally never changed) #i told him to fuck off #bc he presented it as a favor to not talk about it again #he called me childish #i answerrd with ok amd stopped responding #and tbh I'm correct #i have the right to talk about a topic that affects me and only me deeply whenever i feel safe to #i shouldn't have to try and convince him to not out me to my sister bc he thinks that it's safe #whatever it's a fucked up mess #I'm too emotional to think clearly #he didn't tell me that he's angry at me about it i learned about it bc he is ranting to my sister about it #i swear if he outed me to make a point

[the-dragonlich]

It is always weird and kind of depressing to me to see people who I know used to be really left leaning become conservative/centrist as they get into their late 20s/30s. Because like genuinely wtf happened, what changed to make you think any of of the shit that’s happening is suddenly okay when it wasn’t not even 10 years ago to you.

#ramblings #this is mostly me talking about my sister because she’s gotten more conservative in the past years and is weirdly ‘respect your elders’ #like we were talking about her younger sibling who is transmasc and how they were getting upset about having to correct their parents #on their pronouns all the time #and my sister said she told them that ‘hey getting on to people the first time makes you come across as a asshoke #and like no it’s been months they should have mostly gotten that down by now and she was asking him #how they were going to deal with the real world potentially misgendering them if they couldn’t handle it from there parents #which like bro you do know you should feel accepted by the people you live with and say they love #and that’s a very different situation to get misgendered by your family members in your own home vs. strangers #like you do know that right #idk I think my eldest sister is sort of falling into the same category as my mom where I love her #simply because that’s my sister and I’ve known her my whole life #but I just don’t like her as a person #like she’s also probably falling for fascism hook line and sinker just not quiet as quick as our mom #maybe it’s because both our mom and her dad are really conservative and she just got tired of being angry with them all the time #and compromised her morals about it because she is honestly super fucking flaky that sounds in character #like I’m sure a lot of that shit was already there but she seemed to be trying to not do it at one point

[sortaanalyticoptimisticstudent]

Benefits of going home for the holidays: family doggos

Downsides of going home for the holidays: getting misgendered constantly by everyone

#coko monologues #personal #tw misgendering #im just so tired #i know its small #but when its only my sister occasionally correcting herself and even then #its more about how well she is correcting herself #and then getting upset that someone called her cisgender #even though all that means is you identify with your assigned gender ar birth #but noooooooooo #and then theres the drama with my fiance who she doesnt like #and my fiance goes to battle when it comes to people misgendering me #at least luci just cuddles and asks for playtime #the issue is that i dress and wear skirts and am nonbinary #but i do not owe anyone androgyny or what they think nonbinary means to them #i can identify myself as i want and what feels best while also wearing whatever the hell i want #ffs

[lorem-and-or-ipsum]

I usually save the moping for my vent blog, but I’m just having the roughest week when it comes to gender dysphoria. 😞

Anyone got coping tips?

#I keep seeing anti trans stuff on my feed #found out my surgery consultation got pushed back to January #got a bad haircut today despite asking for what I always do #somehow it got botched and I hate it and it’s making things worse #getting misgendered a lot more lately too #watched Psycho with my mom and sister which is a great movie but #it’s loosely based on a real life serial killer that more or less inspired the trope of #the man dressed as a woman who’s out to get you #and I just couldn’t think past it as hard as I tried #idk bro it’s just wearing me down #Loren’s rambles #gender dysphoria

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA for not showing up at my sister’s wedding?

My family has never been very supportive of me and my transition (I’m a trans man) except for my brother. It took years for my sister to even call me the correct name and to this day my parents still misgender me. It has been a struggle transitioning. My brother is the only person from my family who supports me through it.

About a year ago my sister reached out to me wanting to get back in my life after we hadn’t talked in 4 years. I gave her a chance and she still didn’t understand why I had to “mess with my body” but she did try to not misgender me so I kept in contact with her.

She hadn’t told me about her wedding when I finally got a date for top surgery. It had taken so long to get to that point. I cried.

A few weeks later she sent out the invitations, her wedding was the day of my surgery. She knew when my surgery was, she chose that day on purpose. I called her and she said that I should reschedule my surgery. I got very angry and yelled at her. I said I wouldn’t be at her wedding. I started to feel bad, she is my sister after all. My brother told me that I shouldn’t feel bad, but I still did.

Apparently she thought I would actually reschedule my surgery because the day after her wedding she showed up at my appartement crying and yelling. She was supposed to be on her honeymoon. My brother was there helping me and he managed to get her out.

She was very hurt and upset. And now I’m starting to feel guilty, should I have tried to postpone my surgery?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[biggest-gaudiest-patronuses]

Lately I've been thinking about the ways that families, and society, just aren't taught to celebrate queer people.

Probably the most significant life change that my sister experienced as a young adult was getting married to her husband. They are both lovely people, and their marriage was celebrated by an expensive formal ceremony surrounded by friends and family. There was catering and beautiful clothing and a hired band and dancing and photographers. My sister and her husband were surrounded by people who loved them, and were expressing their love and their joy. It was considered normal and natural for the occasion to be marked, and marked well.

The most significant life change I've experienced to this point in adulthood has been coming out as trans. Like my sister, I bought outfits for the occasion (but wardrobe essentials rather than a wedding dress). Also like my sister, I filled out paperwork to change my legal name (although the process was significantly longer and more expensive in my case, and the change was met with confusion and annoyance rather than congratulations). The similarities ended there. There was no party. No one congratulated me. There was no sense of celebration. Just the relief of "Thank hell the paperwork's over with," and the exhaustion of having to repeatedly remind disinterested relatives about names and pronouns and Gender Studies 101. Years later, most of my family still misgenders me behind my back, and frequently to my face. Not "on purpose." They just don't care enough to learn.

But hot damn, coming out means something, motherfucker. Queer self-discovery is hard and it is long, and it is an achievement. It deserves to be recognized, and to be celebrated.

Looking back, I wish I had celebrated. I wish I had dressed up and insisted on a family dinner at a nice restaurant. I wish I had told people to send me congratulatory greeting cards. I wish I had demanded to be celebrated. But it didn't occur to me, much less to my family members. That's the extent to which we are taught to ignore the significance of queer experiences. I went through a journey that transformed my life, and it didn't even occur to me to celebrate.

And even if it had, I would have had to celebrate alone, at least in spirit. Because the same people who were so excited to show up and celebrate my sister's marriage, this major milestone of her adulthood, just fundamentally did not care about the milestone I had reached. They barely acknowledged it; it didn't match their own experiences, and so they didn't recognize its importance. Crucially: they didn't offer me congratulations or celebration, because they were never taught to. And that's a pile of rubbish. All this to say:

Celebrate queer family & friends with the same gusto you celebrate cishets.

Bitch.

#not a shitpost #serious post #trans stuff

[spookysplatt]

Hatchetfield Tumblr omg

✝️ graciee777 Follow

Hello world! I'm Grace, I just got this app to keep up with my friend @s-lauter and post bible verses daily for a project my study group is doing! Can't wait to learn more about you all!

✝️ gracie777 Follow

All of you are going to Hell.

💿 s-lauter Follow

we NEED to start talking about problematic morning cup'a news is. yeah it's """just a squirrel""" but if you're willing to misgender her it's a slippery slope

🔆 debs-bian Follow

#okay but I actually had no idea peanuts was a girl?? #I'll tell my dad lol I promise he and donna just didn't know #chronically online kinda take though steph I hate to say it

🍃 emmahikes Follow

Tell me why my boyfriend just called himself babygirl while hyping himself up for his big presentation at work today??

#what is wrong with him <3 #I think I have to marry him now

👾 peternotparker Follow

First day working at my local theme park! I'll update you guys with how it goes

👾 peternotparker Follow

hopital

🚬 califor-mia Follow

my sister is playing her little guitar at 3 am in our shared room and i can't even complain because i was already awake

🚗 carsnpunks Follow

Babe I think the little ones are violins not guitars

🌺 al-pal Follow

...ukulele. Guys. It's a ukulele.

#Lex you GOT IT FOR HER how do you not know what it is

🧑🏻‍🎤 attackonbi-tan Follow

My uncle Gary called me cringe???? He's an actual lawyer he doesn't know these words who told him to say this

🌌 leialove Follow

I mean he's got a point you do use an anime character's name on here

🧑🏻‍🎤 attackonbi-tan Follow

You.

#ruth you can't talk you have a star wars fandom blog #plus levi is a great name fuck you #stop teaching my uncle words

📼 missretro Follow

I miss this

📔 dukesthoughts Follow

Babe I love you so much but that picture says 2017

#hatchetfield #tgwdlm #nmt #black friday #npmd #long post #grace chastity #stephanie lauter #emma perkins #pete spankoffski #lex foster #ethan green #alice woodward #richie lipschitz #ruth fleming #miss holloway #duke keane #so many tags aaa

[olderthannetfic]

Being a trans man and not being an anti is also isolating, which is part of why I think trans guys gravitate towards either being an anti or reposting anti posts. If you're not an anti, you get booted from discord servers, blocked on social media at best or sent misgendering rape threats, death threats and suicide bait by other trans men at worst, and now that I'm in college I've found IRL that not being an anti makes a lot of people in queer spaces available to the average college student incredibly uncomfortable. So you have to either be entirely alone - which is very difficult when you're young, queer, and just coming into your own identity - or you have to be around it a lot without saying a word. Agreeing with it at first wouldn't even be necessary. You just have to not say anything against it, and then you'll be able to be around other people.

It doesn't help that most trans men who get sucked into anti circles are teens at the time. There's 501 proposed anti-LGBT laws right now, not counting everything that has passed, the majority of it anti-trans. If you're a teenage boy seeing all this transphobia on the rise, you're going to feel powerless. Bullying people like antis do makes you feel power over at least a few people. Being told you can consume your way into being a good person via media intake makes you feel like you have power and control over at least that.

I was sucked in incrementally because I wasn't exposed to the more violent antis who fantasized about murder and hurting people for writing fiction, I met my only friend - who was an anti - after my dad had beaten me for coming out as trans, and I was sixteen. I got out when I was eighteen because once I went to live with my mom, a psychologist, she gently corrected me when I would say things that aren't based in fact. She pointed out how upset these people were making me. She taught me how to fact-check claims and look into the veracity of claims.

And when I tried to convey to my friends that no, what they were saying wasn't supported, they turned on me. Including the only person who had been there for me when I was hatecrimed, who had reached out to me specifically because she met me what day. I lost every friend I had in roughly 30 hours.

If I hadn't had a really great mom, a very intelligent rabbi who's well-versed in psychology and is a former lawyer who saw the "fiction made me do it" excuse used to defend heinous crimes and doesn't buy it, and an older half-sister who lived through people calling her a psycho lesbian because she's a lesbian who played D&D, listened to metal and dressed Goth in small-town Montana in the 80's/90's, I would have probably killed myself. Having those three people who accepted me and did not accept this extremist rhetoric kept me sane and repaired my self-esteem enough to keep me going.

But a lot of people don't have three adults who are intelligent, supportive, and know better than to fall for this faux-psychology. A lot of people don't even have one. Often, they have unsupportive people who also believe firmly in the faux-psychology of "if you watch a thing you'll do that thing IRL". So there's not only no one hauling them out of this, it's getting reinforced.

Being a non-anti who is a trans man gets me a lot of shit from a lot of people online and offline. (As other anons have mentioned during the ace discourse, online talking points come up on college campuses and in real life, because the internet is not an alternate dimension, it is something being used by the people around you who exist in the same physical space as you.)

A reality that I don't think people want to discuss is that trans men, just like all other people of all other genders, suffer a lot of psychological distress if they're put in a position where they have no support. I sure as fuck wasn't happy being in a position where I went from having tons of online friends, discord servers I could hang out in and fandoms I associated with good vibes to none of that, plus harassment, plus massive misgendering.

It's a lot less awful of an existence to be a trans man and an anti when you're young and need community and support than it is to not be an anti and be isolated. And humans gravitate towards the least awful option 99% of the time.

--

Yuuup.

Having some kind of real support network, usually offline but at the very least not randos you met a day ago on discord, is vital and is the difference between not only whether you rot in a pit of antidom forever but in stemming the massive flood of trans teen suicides. The overall queer rates aren't great, but the specifically trans rates... they're bad. They're so, so bad.

[st-dionysus]

Note from an angry trans man.

Of course, I’m angry. Who wouldn’t be. Dead children, dead teachers, a trans man to blame and the world ready to blame every single one of us instead of a single person -- instead of mental illness -- instead of guns -- instead of all the horrors that surround us. Eager to blame our HRT, our transitioning, our existence. Trans sisters who should be standing up against the abuse and shame put on their brothers – who instead decide to reject us, to blame us for anti-trans legislation, to group us all with Aiden Hale. To further stigmatize testosterone and trans-manhood. To act as though we are the harbinger of doom.

Of course, I’m angry. Dead trans people fill the news and wiki articles. Trans men among the corpses, but we don’t say their names. The bodies of FTM children left on the road, genitals mutilated, and newspapers printed with the wrong name and pronouns. Misgendered in death. Misgendered in rape, assault, and murder statistics. Misgendered in the publication of his horrific crime.

Of course, I’m angry. One of my brothers killed six people – three children and three adults. “Police then killed 28-year-old shooter Audrey Aiden Hale, who investigators said left behind a manifesto and detailed maps about how to carry out the attack. Law enforcement officials have not shared details about a suspected motive.”

Of course, I’m angry. The Nashville shooting was the 128th US mass shooting this year. There were 127 other mass shootings this year (and it’s only the end of March), most of which we did not talk about, most of which we did not address. More than 348,000 students have experienced gun violence at school since Columbine. There has been 89 school shooting incidents in the USA so far in 2023.

I want to rip something apart with my hands. I want to scream. I want to bleed. There is rage in my body, and it’s locked away behind tears and prayers. I consider cutting for the first time in over a year. I think about drinking myself to death or blowing my brains out in protest, but I don’t want to leave my cat alone, I don’t want my friends to cry about me, or to leave my lover heart-broken. I don’t want to be another dead trans man. I don’t want to be another name on the list of FTMs that have killed themselves. I’m already a part of the 50% of the FTM population who has tried at least once, I don’t want to try again. More than that, I don’t want my deadname to be the name I die with. I don't want to be seen as a dead woman.

I watch people die every day. I fear the deaths of my grade-school siblings. I fear the death of my loved ones. I fear walking into a gay bar and being carried out in a body bag.

Of course, I’m angry. It must be the testosterone.

#Saint Speaks #Death mention #nashville shooting #aiden hale #child death #gun violence #transphobia #transandrophobia #testosterone is not evil #ask to tag #self harm

[aurpiment]

An interesting quirky use of singular they that may well be a new language feature (don’t quote me on this. This is a conjecture based on anecdotal observation) happens when someone is talking about a third person whom the person they’re talking to doesn’t know. Specifically a third person who does not use they pronouns. The speaker will refer to the third person as “they”when first mentioning them and then as the speaker keeps elaborating, will use the third person’s pronouns. This usually happens with “he” and “she” pronouns but could happen with “it” or neopronouns in theory.

Like:

Person 1: nice new grips on your bike. I have a coworker who’s really into bikes. They’d love them. Can I take a pic to show them?

Person 2: sure!

Person: she’s new at work and I’m trying to make friends with her because she’s into fermenting and I’m trying to get a scoby off her

End scene.

Though the details of the example may not be relatable (I don’t work with this cool hypothetical woman either) I wanted to make it specific in order to keep it from getting boring.

The key features of this kind of use for me are:

The third person is assumed not to be known to the listener.

The third person does not use they pronouns in addition to another set of pronouns. This is not a case of switching between a multiple pronoun user’s pronouns.

The third person’s relationship to the speaker is usually a gender neutral word like “coworker” or “classmate” or “friend” or “labmate” or “someone I know” or “relative” and so on. (I haven’t encountered this use of they with gendered kinship terms like “mom” or “uncle” or “sister”)

The speaker is not misgendering/degendering the third person and then noticing and correcting themselves. The speaker is un-self-consciously going from generic to specific.

Have you encountered this “introductory they” or “generic-to-specific they-to-other-prounoun switch” for an unknown-to-the-listener person who doesn’t use they/them?

And does it stand out to you as unusual or does it sound natural?

I’m using “natural” as a value-neutral term to save space. What I mean by it is “unremarkable” and “not calling attention to itself.”

Something standing out to you as unusual/novel is also value-neutral. It does not mean you disapprove! It only means it makes you have to pause to understand.

You may talk about different/similar pronoun phenomenon in the tags or reblogs, but don’t use a different/similar pronoun phenomenon to answer the question above.

#linguistics #singular they #grammar #my polls #mt