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sparring-hyena · 9 months

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why does this keep happening?

in which accidents keep happening.

OR, aren't accidents just the most romantic thing to ramble about for a few thousand words?

the first accident, as it were--and years later, Becca will insist that it was an accident--happens at some stupid club.

the lights are low, the music loud--and Becca can feel it beating along with her heart--and the drinks are dirt cheap. she vaguely recalls some neon sign above the bar about all the spirits being five dollars.

she slams back another shot; can't quite remember what number it was but doubts she'll be capable of much tomorrow. there's a delightfully warm buzz that worms its way through her body, making her feel light and easy, and then she spots Alex through the throng of people. Alex with her stupid smile and stupid hair and-- gah!

she's with a group, Becca notes, a few people. Chris, she picks almost immediately and feels some green insult form in her mouth, the girl she saw with Alex at the welcome week fair--Kaitlyn, she thinks her name might be--and a few other people she doesn't recognise.

but then Alex looks over at her, looks confused for a moment, and then she winks and smirks. stupid, see?

the night crawls on, some of her sorority sisters leave, and Becca's squished in tight in the middle of the dance floor. she screams the words to a song she hasn't listened to in years, but still somehow doesn't miss a single word. it's dumb really, how much fun she's having.

she gets bumped--accidents happen in clubs--stumbles into some girl, and ends up with a drink all down the front of her dress.

"shit."

Becca's head snaps up to the voice. "Alex," she seethes.

"it was an accident, i swear." and to her credit, Alex does have the decency to look apologetic.

"right." Becca sneds her a glare that Alex answers with some stupidly apologetic grin.

she shuffles between the groups of drunk people and past couples making out on her way to the bathroom. there's a line, of course, and the bathroom is clouded in a smokey haze that almost makes it a bit hard to breathe. becca stumbles over to the bench of sinks and uses the cold water and paper towels to dab at her dress and arms.

"hey, i'm really sorry about your dress," Alex says, and Becca didn't realise Alex had followed her.

"can you just leave me alone?" Becca snaps back.

"i'll pay to have it cleaned, i promise i didn't mean to--"

"what part of leave me alone aren't you getting?" Becca turns to face her fully now and accidentally stands way too close, but she'll be damned if she backs away first.

"no yeah, i know, it's just--"

"just what?"

and there's definitely nuance and things to unpack, but she's a little drunk and Alex is standing so close, or maybe she's the one who's standing too close, and Alex's eyes are definitely flicking between her lips and eyes, and accidents happen all the time in club bathrooms.

she kisses Alex.

she kisses Alex or Alex kisses her or-- whatever. the point is that they're kissing in a club bathroom and there's nothing really to make of it. because accidents happen all the time and they're both a little drunk and Alex's hands feel both good and bad on her hips where they trace a gentle pattern that burns through her skirt straight to her core.

they spring apart a second later, realise what they just did, and before Alex has a chance to open her mouth and say something stupid, Becca leaves. she stumbles out of the club and out onto the busy street where she flags down a cab and heads home for the night.

there's a party, her party. it's a sorority thing, so Becca's antsy and she'll never admit that she's kind of nervous and on edge. she clings to Chris' arm for most of the night, feels too warm and too much, and it's just not right, but she pushes it all way because this needs to work.

and then she sees a familiar head of hair and her stomach flips. the only reason, she decides, that she leaves Chris' side and follows after Alex, is because she doesn't want Alex to mess something up.

she follows Alex through the house and walks right into her when she rounds a corner.

"watch it," Becca snaps with way too much aggression.

"you bumped into me."

"and you were..." she doesn't actually know.

Alex looks at her, waits for her to finish her sentence but nothing comes. and Becca can feel her eyes wanting to drift.

"how's Chris?" Alex asks instead.

"you sound jealous," Becca says, and maybe she wants Alex to be.

Alex shrugs and takes a step towards Becca. "i just wanted to check in. especially after... well..." she allows her fingers to ghost over Becca's hand.

and if that were it, if Becca scoffed and walked away, she could forget about it all and wouldn't need to write away this entire interaction as yet another accident.

"an accident," Becca hears herself say, and then another accident when she doesn't pull away from Alex's hand.

she kisses her quickly again. surges forward, sucks in a deep breath, and winds or arms around Alex's neck to pull her in just a little bit closer. another accident, she guesses.

hands wander--accident--and Becca nips at Alex's lip--accident accident accident.

and then someone comes walking down the hallway and they spring apart before their accident becomes something else. Becca backs away, puts more space between them, and doesn't say anything as she turns and leaves.

there are more accidents as the year drags on. there's the time when Becca finds Alex alone in the library late one night. that happens right after her break-up with Chris so it's... there are a few accidents that night.

she throws razor-edged words at Alex, wants them to cut deep and burn.

Alex fights back; begs Becca to understand that she didn't mean for this to happen. she doesn't say anything as harsh but she gets close to Becca so her words stick.

and it's when they're breathing the same air that Alex surges forward and kisses Becca hard. the accident comes when Becca kisses Alex back and twists her hands in Alex's hair and moans her name and wishes for it to never end.

there's the end-of-quarter dance when Becca watches Alex dance and laugh with her friends and definitely gets caught staring once or twice.

there's the whole fiasco with the play at the start of their winter quarter, and how Becca and Alex fight so aggressively about the casting that they don't realise how close together they are until they're breathing the same air. Becca had stood, speechless, and Alex had backed away, her eyes wide and not speaking a single word.

but there is no accident quite as big as stumbling into some hole-in-the-wall bar after a fight with her dad and finding Alex all alone in a back corner booth.

she's not sure if the accident is walking into the bar or sliding into the booth across from Alex or taking the time to talk and listen and understand. or maybe, really, the accident comes when she lets the tips of her fingers brush over Alex's.

"it's late," Alex says, not moving her hand away and watching the way Becca's fingers move against her own.

"yeah."

"i should go."

"you could come back to the sorority," Becca says, and maybe the real accident is saying that out loud. "it's closer than the dorms."

"sure."

the car ride to the sorority is awkward. the walk from the curb to Becca's room is awkward. it's all awkward even though they were just fine an hour ago in some crummy little bar. and it shouldn't even be awkward now because aren't they sort of making progress in an odd kind of way?

somewhere between closing her bedroom door and Alex opening and closing her mouth for the fifth time in an attempt to fill the silence, Becca thinks, screw it, and pulls Alex in for a messy kiss that's all teeth and tongue.

she pushes Alex back towards her bed and only allows their lips to separate once she's got Alex seated in front of her.

Alex opens her mouth to say something, probably something stupid Becca guesses, but before she has a chance, Becca takes her dress off in one quick motion and straddles Alex's lap. that seems to shut Alex up for the rest of the night.

they wake up together the next morning, and Becca decides that that is the real accident. but then Alex has the gall to ask Becca how she slept. has the audacity to be nice and funny and actually kind of sweet as she gets dressed and sits at the end of the bed to put her socks and shoes back on.

"we should-- i mean, we could, absolutely zero pressure-- but we could do this again if you wanted?"

they could, technically. technically. but accidents aren't planned. you can't plan an accident. to plan to do this again--as much as Becca loathes to admit she might just want to--would ruin absolutely everything.

no, this was an accident.

except the whole night can't possibly be an accident. an accident is small. fixable. forgettable. a whole night though, that's massive. it spans hours and has so many decisions and choices, and at a certain point, you have to take a little bit of personal responsibility for making the same choices over and over again, when you knew exactly where they'd lead you.

and there's also the small, slightly relevant detail that, unlike accidents, this is not forgettable.

oh no.

Becca's walls shoot back up immediately and she answers Alex's question with a hum as she picks at a loose bit of thread on her bed sheets.

"right, well, see ya' Becs."

Alex leans in to kiss Becca bye, but Becca turns her head and Alex plants a kiss on her cheek instead. and Becca knows that she can't even call that an accident. turning her head, just like the hurt that flashes in Alex's eyes, is unforgettable.

Becca doesn't see Alex for the rest of the quarter. and that could actually be an accident, probably the only legitimate accident if she's being honest with herself. because she's been busy with exams and sorority stuff and her parents are just kind of... bleh at the moment. so she hasn't really had a lot of time to spend thinking about Alex.

and then there's the spring fling.

she doesn't plan on going, but the sorority house is empty and cold and quiet. there's also only so much ice cream and trashy TV can do to ward off the icy loneliness she feels settle in her chest.

her phone buzzes from its place buried in her blanket. a message from Alex wishing her well for the summer break and god why does she have to be so sweet?

Becca's ready to leave in less than forty-five minutes--a personal best for her, but now's not really the time for that.

the dance is in full swing by the time she shows up, and it almost feels like walking through a fairytale with the fairy lights strung up and music and gentle laughter coming from nearby couples. it's actually kind of perfect.

she scans the crowd as she walks through it--not looking for Alex, but also not not looking for her. she spots a few of her sorority sisters, makes awkward small talk with Chris when they bump into each other while getting more drinks, and then finally, she finds somewhere quiet to pause for a moment.

"hey, stranger."

Becca feels herself smile and has to tamp it down before she turns around. "Alex."

Alex comes to lean against the gazebo railing beside Becca and maybe stands just a tad bit closer than strictly necessary.

"i didn't think i'd see you tonight," Alex says.

Becca answers with a shrug. "disappointed?"

"hardly. but what are you doing all the way over here by yourself? i figured there'd be a line of people competing for your attention."

"are you competing for my attention?"

"do you want me to?"

Alex doesn't answer right away, instead she looks at Becca, like she's considering how she wants to make her next move. "i did actually want to apologise, if i came on to strong or if i was reading everything wrong."

and god this is painful, standing here and listening to Alex apologise for something that she doesn't need to apologise for. it's like the universe is asking her to make a choice. telling her that she can't keep twisting things into accidents to avoid facing her feelings.

Becca places her hand on Alex's arm and waits until she feels Alex lean into the touch before saying, "you didn't read anything wrong."

then she leans in and kisses Alex, and the last thing she wants to do is pretend that that's an accident.

#my writing #becca x mc #becca davenport #playchoices #the freshman #the sophomore #the junior #the senior #hi i guess i’m back now? 😬

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sparring-hyena · 4 months

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all the way back.

time has a wonderful way of showing Becca what really matters.

OR, a childhood friends-to-lovers AU.

Becca’s parents divorce when she’s eight.

she doesn’t really understand what it means—all the nuance that goes with it—doesn’t even realise that that’s the word for it until later. all she knows for sure is that one day she wakes up and her mother tells her that they’re moving and that her father won’t be coming with them.

“there’s a park close to our new house,” her mother says while they’re in the car.

Becca hums, her sister sits happily in the booster seat beside her, watching the world flash by in the window as she kicks her little legs. Becca thinks Alexis understands less than her, thinks that’s probably for the best, and doesn’t understand why that makes her angry.

their new house is a lot smaller. it’s not as nice as their old one, but Becca sort of likes that her new bedroom is smaller and that she gets to share a bathroom with her mother and sister.

“i know it’s not much,” Shannon says as she stands with Becca in their empty home. “but i promise that this will all be okay.”

she doesn’t have a bedframe yet, but they go to the store and Becca picks out some fairy lights and her mother helps her strig them up around her room.

“are you okay?” Becca asks after that first day as her mum tucks her in. she’s never tucked her in before and she looks unsure of herself.

“i will be.” it’s honest, probably too much honesty for an eight-year-old. “are you?”

Becca shrugs as best she can with the blanket tucked right up to her chin.

“whatever you’re feeling is okay. we can talk about it when you’re ready. but just know that i love you so much. nothing will change that.”

the new house is louder and quieter all at once. there’s no more shouting, and Becca likes that she doesn’t have to creep from room-to-room to hear or not hear what her parents are yelling about. she likes that the yelling has stopped, that she can hear her sister playing on the floor in the kitchen while her mum cooks and she reads in her bedroom.

her mum seems sad sometimes, but happy too in an odd kind of way that Becca doesn’t understand. she wants to understand, wants to ask, but doesn’t. she keeps everything to herself for a while.

and then halfway through August, with her first day at her new school looming ahead, Becca meets her neighbour.

she plays outside in their backyard now. it’s not big—barely big enough for the old swing-set and small sandpit that Alexis likes to play in—but it’s enough. sometimes her mum comes out and plays with them.

“hey!”

Becca startles. she stops on the swing and looks around the yard but can’t see who spoke.

“up here!”

she looks up and spots a girl perched carefully in the large tree that hangs over the fence separating their yard from their back neighbours.

“wanna play?” she blows a piece of hair out of her face and wiggles further out onto the branch hanging over the fence.

“up there?”

the girl shrugs and wiggles further out again and then drops down into the yard right in front of Becca. she smiles wide and now that she’s closer, Becca can see her two missing front teeth.

“what are you doing?” Becca says, and she can hear a little of the iciness her mum used to have in her voice.

she quirks her head to the side just a bit. “playing?”

“you’re a stranger, and i—”

“Alex. my name is Alex.” she offers another toothy grin made slightly odd by her two missing teeth.

“okay.”

“so we can play?”

Becca nods, hesitation in her movements and hope in her heart that she’s maybe making a new friend.

Becca sits at the table that night for dinner and doesn’t stop talking about Alex once. her mum hums and nods and smiles sweetly as she listens and cuts Alexis’s food into smaller pieces. Becca feels warm all over.

summer ends a week and a half later and Becca starts the third grade at a new school. she learns that Alex goes to the same school but that she’s starting the second grade.

the sky outside is gloomy but the classroom Becca walks into is bright and colourful.

her new teacher, Miss Jones, crouches down to her level and introduces herself with a warm smile and warmer handshake that makes Becca feel like a grown up in a good way.

Becca sits beside a girl, Madison. she doesn’t say much to Madison, but Madison says plenty to her and makes Becca feel like this isn’t her first day at a new school.

she sees Alex near the handball courts during recess and wants to go say hi, but she’s surrounded by a group of friends, and they look like they’re having fun. Becca doesn’t want to ruin that. and then Madison runs up to her and asks her to come play on the monkey bars.

by the end of the day, Madison declares them best friends.

Alex is perched carefully in the tree by the time Becca gets home that afternoon and runs outside to meet her.

“was your first day good?” Alex asks as she drops down onto the grass in front of Becca.

“i made a new friend in my class. her name’s Madison and she sits beside me. she asked me if i want to hang out after school too.”

“that’s good,” Alex says.

“she said we’re best friends now.”

“am i still your best friend too?”

“yes. you’re…” and Becca doesn’t really know how to put it into words at eight years old. Madison is her best friend, and Alex is something else entirely. something different but no less important.

Becca surges forward and hugs Alex tightly. she doesn’t understand why she hugs Alex or why it feels so nice when Alex hugs her back just as tight.

“are you okay?” Alex asks.

Becca nods and presses her nose into Alex’s neck. she thinks for the first time that she’s not okay but that she might be in time.

she doesn’t understand much when she’s eight, but then she turns ten and starts to understand a little bit more.

Becca wakes up just after midnight in Alex’s bed that can’t really fit both of them anymore.

“hey,” Alex breathes into the space between them.

Becca blinks, tries to adjust her eyes to the dark. “what time is it?”

“midnight,” Alex says and Becca can hear excitement in her voice now. “happy birthday.”

“oh.” Becca sinks into the pillow, and doesn’t understand why she gets so much comfort in the smell of Alex all around her. a small smile tugs at the corners of her lips. “thank you.”

“i got you something.” Alex leans off the side of the bed and grabs something from underneath it before she pops back up with a small present in her hand.

Becca sits up now too. “you didn’t have to get me anything.”

“i know but i saw it and wanted you to have it.”

Becca opens the present carefully and after a moment where she doesn’t breathe and Alex looks like she’s about to explode with giddy energy, there’s a thin bracelet in her hand. the kind that will stain your skin a little green if you wear it for too long.

“i know it’s not much,” Alex starts, “but i wanted to use my money to get you something and… well… do you like it?”

“will you put it on for me?”

Alex beams and Becca doesn’t need any light to see that.

it takes a while for her to fall back asleep after that. Alex passes out almost immediately after promising to try stay awake so they can talk and gossip and share stories into the early hours of the morning. Becca doesn’t mind.

Alex drools a little in her sleep and Becca thinks it’s gross but can’t find it in herself to wish for anything else to be different.

Becca doesn’t see her dad at all on her tenth birthday. but for the first time since moving into their new house, she doesn’t mind.

her mum seems happier too. but there are still days where she won’t talk much. where she looks just a little bit too tired to laugh it off as a bad night of sleep. they’re always the days after birthdays or holidays or family days where calls to her dad remain unanswered and unreturned.

she’s twelve when Alex whispers to her that her parents are getting divorced.

“my dad doesn’t live here anymore,” Alex says, the confession sudden and sitting in the space between them like something cold and unwanted.

and for the first time in years, Becca thinks she might have someone who understands. her mum gets what she’s feeling in an abstract kind of way, but she’s carrying her own extra baggage so it’s not quite the same. and Alexis was too young to ever know the difference, and Becca is trying not to resent her for it.

but Alex… they’ve talked about it before, mostly Becca rambling and raising her voice. never at Alex though, she would never, but it always just sort of happens when she talks about her dad.

“do you miss him?” Becca asks, silly, she knows. because when Alex had asked her that same question years ago now, she had felt shame when she whispered a yes in answer.

Alex nods, plays with Becca’s fingers, and avoids making eye contact. “does it ever go away?”

“i think…” Becca watches her fingers moving with Alex’s and gets distracted for a second. “i think it gets easier to live with. i hate my dad for leaving, but i love our new life without him.”

and that’s the first time Becca’s said it out loud. she’s always alluded to it, and she thinks Alex has always probably known, but it feels better actually giving life to the words.

“and i don’t think your dad is anything like mine,” Becca says after a beat. “i think he’ll still want to see you all the time.”

and then Becca wraps Alex in a hug, tight like the one when she was eight and terrified and hopeful and so uncertain.

the dying sunlight casts a pretty glow over Alex’s face when they separate, and Becca thinks she feels the flicker of deep understanding in her heart before it vanishes again.

but something stays, hums beneath her skin, thunders through her veins. a promise of something more waiting ahead.

she's fifteen when Alex drops nervously into her backyard from the tree. Becca still finds it odd that Alex does this—climbing the tree like they're eight and seven again—but loves it and can't find the words to express it to her.

Becca quirks her head to the side just a bit when Alex doesn't greet her with her usual energy and zest for life.

"okay, i'll bite," Becca shifts so they're facing each other, knees touching, "what's up?"

"nothing."

Becca nudges Alex's knee with her own.

"okay, it's not nothing, it's just... Chris asked me to hang out after school tomorrow and i thought it was, like, a friend thing, so i mentioned it to Kaitlyn and then she got weird about it and said it was a date. even James was being weird about it."

"oh, i didn't— do you like Chris?"

and it's strange that Becca doesn't know the answer to that question. they've been something parallel to best friends for years now, and never once in that time have they talked about crushes.

years from now, Becca will understand everything about that subconscious choice and line in the sand, and how she hadn't realised she'd buried hope for something else deep in her chest.

she understands absolutely nothing about that in this moment though. not the angry coil she feels tighten in her stomach or deafening echo she can hear in her ears.

what she does understand is that Chris likes Alex. Kaitlyn likes Alex. and James probably does too.

Alex shrugs. "as a friend, yes. as... i dunno, that, i have no idea. how am i supposed to know?"

Becca doesn't answer right away, because even though she does sort of know how you know—she's talked about it with Madison—putting it all into words for Alex just seems so impossible.

"i think sometimes not knowing is part of it," Becca finally says. "like you're supposed to just give it a go and figure out what liking someone is supposed to feel for you."

"oh, okay." Alex nods and meets Becca's gaze. "so do you think i should hang out with him after school tomorrow?"

"yes," Becca says with a shrug, and it will take her a while to figure out why she hates herself for saying that.

they don't say anything much for the rest of the afternoon. they exist together quietly and do their homework in Becca's room when it gets too cold to stay outside. and then just before Alex leaves so she can make her curfew, she hesitates and looks at Becca like there's something she's trying hard to understand as well.

they don't talk at all the next day, in fact, they don't really talk again for a while. Becca sees Alex and Chris holding hands out front the school a few days later. a week later she watches from beside Madison during lunch as Kaitlyn gets this pained look in her eyes every time she looks at Alex. it takes a month before she realises she hasn't seen James around Alex and Chris at the same time.

and then the school year ends and Becca's dad sweeps back into their lives with the promise of an exciting summer on the West Coast to make up for lost time.

she doesn’t tell Alex she’s leaving for three months. doesn’t say anything at all. Alexis makes one of those annoying comments that are surprisingly spot on about how she seems irritated.

Becca snaps at her sister, hates that she does, but just can’t help it. her dad says nothing though. Becca doesn’t even think he notices that something's growing inside of her. some mornings, Becca even thinks that her dad forgets he invited them to stay with him for the summer.

but it’s fine. Becca works on her tan on the beach while Alexis plays in the sand beside her. it works, and by the time she’s back, she hardly remembers being in such a sour mood to begin with.

Madison wraps Becca into a hug as soon as she arrives at school for the first day, and launches into a million questions about her trip. Becca smiles, answers them all, and hardly notices the thing humming beneath her skin when she catches Alex staring at her.

Chris is no where to be seen, and Kaitlyn and Alex are huddled close together by her locker. Becca says nothing to Alex, but she can't bring herself to look away just yet.

"did you hear me?" Madison says, amusement on her face.

"huh?" Becca shakes her head and finally tears her gaze away from Alex.

"i was asking if we're still on for the party on Saturday night."

"oh, yeah, of course."

Becca kisses Chris at the party on Saturday night and makes a point to make sure that Alex sees it. she doesn't understand why she does it, but she does understand that everything starts to slowly fall apart from that moment on.

Chris follows after her for weeks and months after that and Becca lets him. Becca talks to him and lets him put his arm over her shoulders when they eat lunch together.

she's not sure if she likes him yet. but she remembers what she said to Alex almost a year ago, about how they're learning how it feels to like someone.

all she really learns though, is that she doesn't like Chris, not like that anyway, because he is lovely to be around and talk to. but his arm doesn't feel right around her waist, and his hand feels too big in hers, and his lips against hers are just— she understands that it's not supposed to feel like this.

Becca tells Chris all of this—most of it, because all of it might hurt his feelings, and Becca does care about him—and he seems hurt for a while, but on the last day of January, Chris shows up at her front door.

"Chris?" Becca stares at him for a second, not quite believing, and then she steps outside with him and gently closes the door behind her. "what are you doing here?"

"i know we aren't, like” —he gestures his hands widely, searching for the right word— “together, anymore, and this isn't some ploy to try win you back."

"okay?" Becca folds her arms across her chest and she can hear some of the iciness returning to her voice.

"i just wanted to tell you that i get it," Chris says.

"get what, exactly?"

"why we didn't work. why we were never going to work."

"go home, Chris." Becca's already turning to head back inside, but then Chris reaches for her arm so gently and carefully that she stops and turns back to listen.

"sorry, no, i didn't mean— i just think there's something that you're missing."

Becca says nothing, but her silence is enough encouragement for Chris to continue.

"i know you and Alex are, like, best friends, or were anyway."

"i— we..."

"i'm not asking for an explanation. you don't owe me one. but i noticed that you guys don't talk anymore."

"so?"

"i spent months trying to figure out how to ask Alex out. it was always you two together, even when you weren't together, it's like you still were. like no matter how hard i tried, she would never see me."

"well, she did. she went out with you. she dated you."

"yeah, and then she broke up with me while you were gone."

"oh, i thought..."

nothing, really. she knew that they had broken up—Madison had filled her in on everything she'd missed when she got back—but Becca had never really thought about why or how. she thought they'd just fizzled out.

"i didn't know that," Becca says.

"i figured. i think that's part of why i wanted you in the first place. because she didn't want me, and you two are— were close. if i could have you then it would be like having her."

and that hits Becca in the heart. stabs a knife into her and twists and presses in again and again. but beneath all the gushing pain, Becca thinks she understands because—

"and i think that's why you wanted me too."

Becca says nothing for a long time. she goes to sit on the front steps and after a moment, Chris sits beside her.

"assuming you're right, then that's pretty fucked up."

"yeah." Chris shrugs. "but i think it's supposed to be."

"how come?"

"because you have to realise how fucked it is and reconcile with it and make a choice that really scares you."

"assuming it's true," Becca says, and it feels pointless to say now.

"right."

"and assuming it is true," Becca says, "what choice would i have to make?"

she sees a warm smile light up Chris's face, and it instantly puts Becca's mind at ease.

"talk to her," Chris says like the answer is obvious and simple.

a few minutes later, Chris leaves and Becca stays outside in the cold for a little while longer. when she does finally go back inside, she's met with her mother standing in the entrance way.

"was that Chris here?" her mum asks.

"were you listening?"

her mum shrugs. "i heard part of it."

"which part?"

"the part where he thinks you should talk to Alex."

Becca nods and looks at anything except her mum standing there with her apron and whisk and looking like the warm mother she's spent years growing into. Becca doesn't realise she's crying until she's in a hug and her mum is whispering quiet reassurances into her ear.

she goes out to her backyard that night, long after her mother and sister both went to bed. Becca shivers against the cold but digs herself in firmly and refuses to budge.

she looks up to the stars that she can't see hidden behind the dark clouds and begs them to help her understand. the stars are quiet and Becca is left to figure it out for herself.

she's seventeen when she goes to a party and runs into Alex. Becca glares at her from across the room, grips her red solo cup just a little too hard that the cheap tequila-sprite mix in it spills up over the rim. because she understands more now, and she's almost certain that Alex has understood this whole time too.

"hey," Alex says, flashing that openly, earnest smile that has always managed to calm Becca in a way she can't explain.

"what are you doing here?" Becca spits, and that thing inside her, that thing that has been gently humming beneath her skin, begs her to take it back.

"it was an open invite. and i actually wanted to—”

"i don't care what you want."

hurt flashes in Alex's eyes. "i didn't mean—”

Becca doesn't stay to hear the rest of it. she turns on her heels and moves deeper into the party.

later in the night, when the music is pumping through Becca's veins and she's given up on drinking because nothing tastes good and it all just hurts, she goes upstairs to find the bathroom. the house is massive—a lot like the one she used to live in before her parents got divorced—rooms for the sake of adding space that won't ever actually be used.

it takes a while to find the door to a bathroom, and when she does, she stumbles inside and presses her back against the door, allowing it to close softly behind her. she slides down the door, looks up, and finally realises someone else is in here with her.

Alex. sitting in the bathtub. her legs hanging over the edge.

"what are you doing?" Becca says as she stands and straightens her skirt.

"i was here first."

"right, but why are you in the bathtub?"

"what do you care?"

Becca scoffs and rolls her eyes but gets into the empty bathtub and sits right beside Alex.

“what are you doing?” Alex asks.

“something’s obviously wrong.”

Alex just stares at her, studying and trying to understand.

“what?” Becca shifts, uncomfortable under the intensity of Alex’s gaze.

“why did you leave me?”

“i didn’t—”

“right after Chris. is it because you liked him? because if you had just told me i wouldn’t have gone out with him.”

“it’s not because i wanted Chris,” Becca snaps, because it hurts her and digs deep into her heart that Alex thinks she would choose Chris over her. “i never wanted him.”

“then why did you kiss him?”

and it’s in that moment that Becca realises just how close they are now. her side is pressed flush with Alex’s, their hands are daring to be the first to touch, and their lips. Becca watches Alex’s eyes fall to her lips and it’s like time stops and starts again all at once.

“i think you know why,” Becca says, her tone soft and open and ready for whatever big, scary thing is coming next.

“yeah, but i want you to say it.”

“i wanted you.”

Alex surges forward and closes the already small space between them. she cradles Becca’s face in both her hands and gently rubs her cheek with her thumb.

“it was always you,” Becca says when they finally pull apart for much needed air.

“when i first saw you, i thought you were the prettiest girl i’d ever seen. i knew i wanted to know you.”

“you’re a sap.”

“the sappiest.” Alex punctuates this with a kiss. “your sappiest sap.”

Becca hums and allows her head to fall gently against Alex’s shoulder.

“wanna get out of here and get some food?” Alex asks after a few long moments of comfortable silence.

“like a date?”

“not like a date. a date.”

“always.”

when Becca is eighteen, she walks the stage at her graduation and looks out into the crowd of proud parents and friends to find her mum, sister, and Alex sitting and cheering with them. her dad isn’t there. she hasn’t spoken to him since that summer where he forgot she existed everyday. and Becca thinks it’s perfect.

a year later, she goes back to her old high school and watches as Alex grabs her diploma too, with Alex’s parents sitting to her left, and her mum and sister on her right.

she thinks in that moment at nineteen that she finally understands everything she hadn’t growing up. there’s a lot more new stuff that she doesn’t understand now, but her favourite person smiles and waves at her from the stage, and in that moment, Becca thinks that’s okay.

#playchoices #my writing #becca davenport #becca x mc #the freshman #the junior #the senior #the sophomore

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