#the specific job i have

[inkskinned]

you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.

(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)

but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.

(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)

there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.

(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)

you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.

(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)

you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.

in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.

but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.

they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.

it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.

#spilled ink #warm up #can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically #i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason #it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism. #and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out #we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you. #this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism #where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off. #your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell #at the industry - you are probably not listening . #anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit #but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance #> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally #> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field #> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :) #(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice #i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what. #cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men. #so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT. #instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them. #which btw. is like. actual feminism.)

[entamewitchlulu]

once i was in a creative writing class in college, and in a bit of humor i wrote the line:

"Um," I said, eloquently.

And my teacher was so adamant that I had to remove it because "um is not an eloquent word, so it makes no sense" and i was like my brother in christ it's called Irony

#she was so so adamant about it like. #ma'am. #specifically i did it that way because i wanted to express the fact that the character felt particularly foolish #like their brain being all like 'oh nice job what an eloquent way of putting it dumbass' #but without writing all that out ya know. #but no it was 'wrong' and it had to be removed :/ #creative writing courses have never done a damn thing for me tbh #i know there has got to be a better way to teach it so that it doesn't quash someone's creativity #but i have yet to find one that does so #people are so weird about writing as an art compared to other visual arts :/ #lulu talks

[keferon]

…..I genuinely can’t remember the exact size difference between Rodimus and Thunderclash hahaha. And I’m too lazy to search for a panel with them standing next to each other👍

Anyway.

@lush-specimen and their Over My Dead Body fic made me love this giant metal teddy bear. I couldn’t help but draw him:>

#I searched for other Thunderrod fic #*fics #and turns out #I don’t like Thunderrod in general #I love Thunderrod written by this one specific person #they’re g o o d #transformers #maccadam #mtmte #lost light #mtmte rodimus #rodimus #thunderclash #thunderrod #I don't know #the way Lush specimen writes them #they have this extremely nice flavor other fics doesn't have #or at least I can't find another ones #yet #we'll see #Lush if you happen to be reading that I hope it’s okay to tag you #you did such an amazing job writing those lovely idiots #I wanna throw something nice at you back #lmao #fic fanart

[babaiii]

what i think about thriller bark re zosan (whether romantic or not) is that it’s the time sanji actually understands zoro’s purpose on the ship.

like i think what most annoyed sanji about zoro is that zoro does nothing — he drinks, sleeps and curses at ladies. he’s good at fights, sure, but so is sanji, but sanji also wakes up at 3am to cook for 100 people (luffy), sanji helps behind the scenes and sanji generally cares for the crew (meaning ladies). zoro is simply an annoying and unnecessary attachment.

then thriller bark happens and the realization hits that zoro is the guardian. no matter what or how he will protect the crew — which can’t be said about sanji himself, he won’t fight women, he won’t use his hands, he won’t turn his human part off. zoro will protect their crew no matter the consequences same way luffy will give freedom and defeat the bad guys even if death comes knocking.

sanji did nothing but fight with zoro, yet zoro wastes no time protecting him, with the same selflessness he protects others, because sanji is crew. sanji already is familiar with idiots who decide on priceless sacrifices to protect him, and he’s already familiar with being indebted to them with no way to pay back, so while he should be grateful, he’s terrified that reiju keeps being proven right, that these idiots keep finding him. he’s furious, jealous, scared, they keep fighting and bickering, sanji isn’t about to let the idiot win, to let him know, and yet.

sanji asks zoro to kill him if things go sour — he knows zoro will do it simply because such is his role on the ship.

#i WILL write my thoughts about post wano zosan one day when my job stops killing me #i have so fucking many thoughts aaaa #specifically about zoro and his stupid grass brain #shb op commentary #one piece #zosan #sanji #roronoa zoro

[bixels]

I wanna get around to doing some small story beats for the "Main Six Takes Manhattan" story. It'd be a good chance for me to play around with different art styles too.

I'm really excited about this story too because it'd be splitting everyone up into pairs for their own little arc.

Rarity attends a fashion showcase in upper Manhattan, with April-Jacqueline in tow as her "attendant." The two get swept up in industry drama as they uncover the abuse faced by amateur designer Carol Cho under the American fashion house "Polomare."

Pinkie and Thea head to Harlem for a rent party, hosted by Thea's city friends. Despite Thea's protestations, Pinkie can't help but be the life of the party as its tenants and musicians attempt to raise enough money to fight their landlords and demand housing justice.

Dash and Félicie navigate NYC's transportation system to go to a ball game: the New York Wonderbolts vs. the Washington Senators. While Dash meets her heroes, Félicie can't help but feel homesick and smothered by the big city.

#i have 3 major art projects going on at once tho rn #the au/ko crisis for a writing class/my storyboarding job #so things are slower going #delete later #personal #last story is def the weakest. i definitely wanna set up some solidarity between spitfire and dash (as colonized people) #i need to find a strong political/historical angle for that because each arc's theme is racial solidarity and allyship #rarity and carol represent chinese/korean solidarity (especially given both groups would become victims of imperialism during that era) #and pinkie and thea represent hispanic/black solidarity (with a specific focus on housing and redlining)

[b4kuch1n]

simulated earth (it does not matter)

transcript

#sherlock and co #sherlock & co #podlock #comic #sherlock holmes #john watson #victor trevor #ft. archie (in like three panels lmao) #need to figure out a podlock specific tag for these guys so this doesnt clutter up the main sh tags #bc ohhh boy. I anticipate being insane abt s&co for a While #this comic def a Hot minute post-gloria scott #what is this about exactly? you ask. haha well (there's sunlight bouncing off a window and when u look back Im already gone) #listen I caught up to everything right before gloria scott and holy Shit that case knocked me on my ass #as a chronic adhd (and thus serious memory problems) haver.... (holds sherlock tenderly) #I have not listened to SOLI yet btw I will tomorrow. I wanted to finish this before catching up #Im obsessed with them. Im such an easy idiot lmao Im a sherlock holmes adaptation enthusiast before Im a human #gloria scott.... the way it muses on the limit of the genre same as the red headed league.... what about the victims? #what about the victims. what about the victims. what part of the pain does the process of investigation cure #victor's like. he's between jobs he's between boyfriends he's living with his dad whose caretaker he just became. who does he have #and sherlock holmes is about the truth but john's been about the solution so far. I just. I really like this john watson lmao #listen the way he complains and then refuses to shoot the underlings in red headed league. based. I love him #I can fix him (radicalize him against punitive justice) #(I am refraining from talking abt sherlock in the tags here bc I Will run out of tags before Im done) #(mariana is not here but I care her too!! she will be here more often in the future I swear I fuckign swear......) #(''I'm in a co-op that's sponsoring my visa. also I just witnessed two actual dead bodies like a month ago'' you mean everything to me) #screams. I got attached SO fast this show is targeting me specifically. my broke millenials suffering in london show #I have like a number of sketches too be prepared. theyre gonna show up soon. until then #have a good day lads. be there! be there. #edit: this comic is finished and assembled in full before I listened to the solitary cyclist part one. this has been an update #I have now listened to SOLI part one. I must hit john watson with a hammer

[lightbulb-warning]

Saiuoma not-Week not-Day 4: pregame

discussing Hot Takes from your hyperfixation, loudly, on public transport, is a love language all by itself

#you’ve heard of my uncle works at Nintendo get ready for my aunt works at team Danganronpa #saioumaweek2023 #kokichi ouma #shuichi saihara #saiouma #saiou #pregame saiouma #ive been in this fandom for barely two weeks I know nothing of pregame fanon #*projects my neurodivergencies on fav characters* my job here is done. #drv3 #drv3 pregame #danganronpa fanart #my art #maiora draws #one day I’ll learn to write dialogue while I’m planning layouts. one day. that day was not today. #the priority here was vibes /lh #started drawing this 23 Jun 2023 finished 10 Jul 2023 #yes I specifically made a tumblr because I wanted to participate in saiouma week #thanks for reading have a nice day

[rottmntrulesall]

Even when Blitzø tries. Even when he doesn’t run or push those he loves away, he is told he would just ruin things by being around

#I know we dont have context to their specific past but damn— #And then he goes and finds her.... And manages to lose her her job #It really takes him back to what Fizz said to Blitzø from his bad trip #helluva boss #vivziepop #unhappy campers #helluva boss barbie wire #helluva boss blitzo

[inkskinned]

there are days that it is hard, and unfair, and some horrible part of me wishes i could have been born in a different world. i love being queer, i hate how others react to it. when i first came out at 15, my mom whispered: please don't say that. your life would be so much harder.

it is harder.

it is also a tuesday, walking my dog. we are both skiving off of work, and yes both of us have dyed hair and pronouns. mine is patchy - it was my first time trying bleach; i didn't have enough. theirs is a resilient toadstool green. a little girl comes up to us and asks um, excuse me? is your hair real? 'cause jason says you're a fairy.

it is sunday brunch, all of us talking over each other, overfull on love. she is trying out a new name today, and we made her a cake with today's name scrawled in shaky purple letters. she laughs so much she cries and then gets frosting in her hair. someone young at a different table keeps giving us these large, wide eyes: the same look we have all been on the other side of. the kind that says, breathless: wait, is that possible?

it is a half-fight in a supermarket because he loves "dance moms" and says abby's tiktok is funny and meanwhile i think the children in that show should be allowed to sue abby lee miller for child abuse. i tell him that it led to the casual acceptance of child harassment for mainly adult views; and then i am standing, suddenly, in someone else's thrown soda. there's a white lady standing there, furious, saying something about hell-on-earth. i had forgotten i was wearing stuff with pride colors. and then it is this: he had just been casually arguing with me - and within an instant, he squares his shoulders and goes after her like i am his sister

on saturday i sat in a circle while beca played with my hair and we were all over 30 and we laughed about how much happier we are being this old, how much more we appreciate our community. 25 minutes from now, we will be on stage to dance in baggy beige clothing, but for now we look on with envy to the dancers in loud-and-bright buttondowns. where are they getting these shirts! i cry, distraught. everyone laughs. one of our friends has a mushroom witch hat. this would have been cringey in high school, probably. instead we are all delighted with each other; happy just to be here and alive and moving

it's that last week my new friends cried with joy for me when they heard i'm getting top surgery. every so often i have the honor of being the first person someone feels comfortable enough to tell. i'm trying to make long fluttery butterfly wings to wear to pride; but i don't know anything about fabric or dye, so my friends have been sending me their personal advice.

i think in a different poem i would talk about how sometimes you walk into a room and put the mask back on. but i'm sleepy and my whole brain is fuzzy so i think in this one, it's a monday, and my dog and i took a nap on a couch, and i had missed texts from friends. i used to wake up lonely. i think this poem is about walking into a room and seeing someone and just knowing, the way you just-know-sometimes, and then giving them that little smile, and seeing them light up with joy and relief. it is how we always seem to be able to find each other in a crowded room. how we always seem to make friends with each other before even we know-it-to-be-true. it is saying: we're very different people; but i belong to you.

it is harder, yes. but it comes with a built-in family.

#wish this was better written!!! but im sleepy!! #writeblr #pride #lgbt #but for real please help me make these lesbian wings. gonna get the supplies tomorrow . i have #no sewing machine but know how to hand sew #have never done a good job with tie dye so idk why im just runnin with it #ps im specifically going to boston pride next weekend come hang out with me

[yourlocalabomination]

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust.

#Do you ever think about the fact Ted held the love of his life in his arms while she died? #Do you ever think about the ash covering his hands? The dust stuck inbetween his fingernails? His tears making the ash stain his palms? #Heart in hand - interlocked with all his love between each finger - desperatly trying to not let it fade away? #Thinking about since the Old Testement ashes have been a symbol of repentance and penitence - a token of self-abhorrence and humiliation #Specifically ‘Wherefore I abhor myself and repent in dust and ashes’ (Job 42:6 KJV) and the entire concept of Ash Wednesday #I know that probably wasn’t the langs intention but as a ex-church kid I can’t stop projecting religious imagery into media I like #also is anyone surprised I drew this man with a clock and a halo again? I physically cannot stop myself from doing it #Anyway I’m not sorry for drawing this but I’ll go back to being a silly goofy guy with my fanart and tags….until next time :) #ted spankoffski #theodore spankoffski #JennyBear #Jenny nmt #Jenny starkid #god I feel so evil for tagging Jenny #starkid #starkid fanart #team starkid #starkid productions #time bastard #starkid time bastard #time bastard nightmare time #nightmare time #starkid nightmare time #hatchetfield nightmare time #nmt #hatchetfield #hatchetverse #hatchetfield universe #fanart #my art

[jacobglaser]

Also, I don't care if you hate the show or whatever, don't be a fucking cunt about it. Already seeing some embarrassing shit.

#i cant imagine being someone who would celebrate a show getting cancelled regardless #oh people lost their jobs? pass the champagne! #i will never understand why ofmd specifically makes people so fucking weird. get a grip #pretty much every show is constantly on the verge of being cancelled in this tv environment and it sucks for everyone #regardless of what you think of the show (or the fans) it mattered to a lot of people #idk. i have a weird relationship to the show nowadays but i still feel bad for everyone else. #anyway. tldr dont be a prick #ofmd #our flag means death

[sensitiveheartless]

do you ever think dazai would listen to chuuya's heartbeat..... and consider it calming............ maybe i'm just weird but i think about it sometimes

Oh absolutely! I like to imagine they’d fall asleep like that :D

#also several of my AUs have very specific circumstances that would make Dazai listening to Chuuya’s heartbeat particularly emotional kdkdjd #also hi y’all! I live #I’ve been super busy cause it turns out I am moving next month and also I need to get a new job alsksjdjf #so I am very behind on everything but I am okay! 👍 #bsd #ask box #my art #bsd chuuya #bsd dazai #soukoku #skk #bungou stray dogs

[atissi]

okay very preliminary thoughts on mitski's new album BUT i think there's something with how "laurel hell" felt like a goodbye to the music industry (can't find the source but i remember reading that it was intended to be her last album under her contract) like i'm sorry anthony fantano but if you interpret the back half of "laurel hell" as being generic breakup songs you're missing like 80% of the context. to me TO ME it feels so clearly about her negotiating her relationship with fame, how she can't love her fans the way they love her, and how she feels like she sold her soul to her job, so the only thing to do is step away. but THEN "the land is inhospitable and so are we" was created after mitski decided to renegotiate her contract, specifically because she loved making music enough to deal with the negative aspects of the work. and then all the songs are about the ghost of love she can leave behind, despite the present pain or emptiness, and like. do you see it. do you see it.

#THE NARRATIVE. #beepbeep.txt #mitski #like you can definitely interpret everything through the lens of personal romantic relationships BUT. i think its even better #envisioning that she is speaking to her actual audience. the love they have for her and the love she is trying to communicate to them #i mean especially “i don't like my mind” just feels like a response to “love me more” where she begs to keep her job #specifically so she doesn't have to be alone with all these thoughts. so she can be witnessed #but then i feel like “the deal” and “when memories snow” are responses to “working for the knife” and “everyone” where her job leaves her #feeling emptied out of all this pain and love simultaneously. hence the ghostliness of the whole album #and her coming to terms with this feeling of emptiness. or actually. the loneliness of having no witnesses at all. after the music. #being king of her own land. if one would like to use that turn of phrase #IS ANYONE ELSE GOING INSANE OR.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

:-P

#how long ago did i watch pacific rim? i feel like it might have been last year but i finally drew this lmao #sometimes it just takes a while. newt specifically gets under my skin tho bc i think his research interests r kinda similar to mine #at least in a broad sense. but im dealing with cyanobacteria which is less exciting to most ppl lol but any fanfic i read thats like: newt #has 6 phds im like fucking what? what r they in? they have to be literature based right?! when would u have time to independently design. #carry out. write and defend for 6 independent projects in different topics by his age? #what as waste of time. i say as a person who would happily fuck around and collect degrees without ever having to get a real job #idk characters i relate to make me a little unhinged bc i do not like to relate to characters lol #pacific rim #herman gottlieb #newt geiszler #newton geiszler #tw blood #tw gore #also i agree with herman abt the numbers quote. physics is like literally understanding the fabric of the universe so like yeah #also i cant draw hermann and i cant see his face without thinking of owen from torchwood who i hated lol #pacrim

[sysig]

Ellen McLain’s commentary from my trivia playthrough

#She's so cute <3 #WPP #Portal #Ellen McLain #If you haven't played through the audio commentary I would Absolutely recommend it it is So fun #I clicked out of curiosity - kind of just expecting like a movie's audio commentary y'know? Like a video that highlighted specific scenes #No it's just the whole game again but with trivia pop-ups! I love that!! #It reminded me so much of like trivia track or the pop up fun facts from special editions of movies I would watch as a kid #But you can play through them!! You have to click on them and they spin! I love that!!! #I always love hearing the design and development process - fascinating how the playtesters reacted to this new game! #We take it for granted now but yeah I imagine it would've been very confusing at the time #And I was like ''Well it was such a small team and Ms. McLain was such a large part of it - surely she'll have a few bubbles?'' #She does lol - as soon as I got to her first one (it was a slow burn! They buried the lead with her lol I'm already invested!) I had to go #I saved-quit the game out of sheer excitement and giddiness lol I had to sleep on it before I was ready to come back #It is so cool to hear her natural voice ah <3 And the kinds of direction she was given! Other bubbles also talk about her vocal direction :) #Very cool! I wonder what TTS they used for reference :0 #But to hear her real laugh without the audio processing over and and she still sounds like GLaDOS! I mean of course she does but just jfdksl #That's /her/ laugh! They share a laugh! It's a very similar laugh!! #Not to mention her talking about wanting to play and just fdskalfd they clearly did such a good job with her performance and ahhh #It's too cute it's all too cute sharing a room with GLaDOS while her voice actor talks about making a cake to share with her friends stopppp #I am so enamoured <3 #I also took a bunch of screenshots of GLaDOS still shit-talking while she was being destroyed lol #Actually beat the ending in one try this time :P I ran out of time the last time pfft #But now I've beaten it twice in as many days :D Although I did start it the first time several days ago - but I beat it again quickly! #Has me all the more itching to replay 2 ♪ #WPVG

[transmascissues]

i’m going to be starting a job soon where it looks like almost all of my coworkers/bosses are going to be cis women and i am…terrified. especially since this is the job i’m going to have to get time off from for top surgery.

if there’s one thing i’ve learned over the almost ten years of my transition, it’s that a situation where i’m the only guy there is one where my gender is guaranteed to not be respected. it really feels like far too many cis women realize they’re alone with a trans man and just see it as an opportunity to act out some sort of power fantasy where they get to stick it to the big bad evil men by taking out their anger on the first man they see without the power to fight back. that or they decide you’re “just one of the girls” and will not hear otherwise, but honestly, given where i’m at in my physical transition, i have a feeling the former is more likely.

there was a time when i felt safer around cis women than around cis men, but now it’s just a different kind of threat.

#a lot of them are also. let’s say a very specific kind of cis woman #because of who this kind of job attracts #as a trans man but also as a disabled and mentally ill person…im not optimistic about how it’s gonna go #i was already deadnamed and misgendered throughout the physical for the job bc their system has no way to handle preferred names or anything #so uh. not looking too great right off the bat and im sure that’s just the beginning #it’s not a job im super jazzed about in general bc it’s in a setting that i have Lots Of Problems With and never wanted to work in #but a bitch needs money so. gotta suck it up and deal with a few months of transphobia ableism and general cognitive dissonance #i love capitalism! it’s so fun and cool and quirky! (said with the most lifeless voice you’ve ever heard) #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia #trans men #transmascs