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tothemanwhohidesbehindbottles · 2 years

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The Timeline

Early November '20

I know him for the first time

Late November '20

I worked for him for the first time. There was no written contract between us and he only said that I’d get 10% of any payment he receives from a work I’d take care. However, sometimes he asked me to make an invoice from a work I wasn’t even working on and paid 0 rupiah on it.

Early January '21

We started to hang out/drink more.

Late January '21

Celebrating his birthday with his team because I was invited by the team, not by him.

Early February '21

I spent a night at his house while his kids were at their mother's and fell asleep on the couch. I went home around 4 a.m.

February 3, '21

My ex and I agreed to take a break because of what happened that night.

February 5, '21

We went to one of the restaurants in Prawirotaman owned by his friend. His friend said something persuasive, something like, “he’s a good man, I want you to take care of him.” I kissed him on the parking lot.

Mid February, '21

We're getting closer and started to get drunk more often. This led us to sex. He hurt his arm the first time we did it.

Late February, '21

We celebrated my birthday together, just the two of us.

Early March, '21

He gave me a t-shirt saying “magic pussy” because he thought it was funny.

Celebrating his daughter's birthday while knowing that nobody knew that we're sleeping together. Spending the night at his right after that party.

Late March ‘21

We became closer and started to take more pictures together. I even got him an access for the 1st vaccine when the application was closed.

At the end of March ‘21

Somehow things weren’t fine between us and I knew that I needed to step back but he kept pulling me closer. I even had the thought to leave him.

Early April ‘21 My ex and I decided to break up. It was very hard and I needed time to process all the feelings.

Mid April ‘21 Worked together with his team, again when none of them knew about us. I remembered riding a motorbike with him while he was flirting with me once in a while.

Late April ‘21 We're getting closer and at this point we also had sex more often. Most of the time we used condoms. Many of his friends thought we were officially dating.

Early May ‘21 Hanging out with him way more often and he started to introduce me to his friends at his fav bar.

Mid May ‘21

He had asked me to be his girlfriend quite some times. Often I asked him if he was sure or not, if he could accept all of my flaws (because I could accept any of his shits). He didn’t say any word. One night he offered me the same thing again. He always did this under the influence of alcohol, we never talked about this matter when he’s sober.

Apparently, he was scared that his kids won’t have anyone when he’s gone since he didn’t trust his ex wife. He was scared of death (I guess it’s because some of his friends have passed away). He didn’t want his kids and everything he had fell on his wife’s hands so he wanted me to take care all of it without making sure that it was what I want (it wasn’t). He then said, “But if we’re together, I don’t want you to be involved in that rainbow thingy.”

I said I couldn’t. It’s my identity, it’s what I am, and I will help anyone in it. It’s my issue as well. He couldn’t say any word. Before we continued our conversation, one of his friends approached us and talked to me. They said tat it’s okay if I wanted to be with him, but I shouldn’t forget my happiness.

Mid Jun ‘21 Selling my stuff at a queer event where he came and being supportive.

Late Jun - Jul ‘21 At this point, we hang out and fuck almost every weekend. When he got drunk, he could send me random flirty text, even when we’re together with his team members.

Late Jul ‘21 Helped him to shoot some photos for his friend who already knew we were "together".

August 13, ‘21 Was feeling down cuz my ex and I could've celebrated our 7th anniversary, and ended up drinking with him at his fav bar. A class got cancelled which made me feel worse. I drank too much and he said that I acted like his ex wife, I still don’t know what it meant but it made things worse. I went to his house that night, fell from my motorbike on the way but he didn’t help because he rode in front of me. Nobody helped. We slept drunk that night.

August 14, ‘21

He took me to the river I went with my friends the week before to make things up.

Late August ‘21

I got another job (since I needed more income) and was busy making an annual report. It made me busier so the time I spent with him was lesser.

Late September ‘21

I went to Bromo for few days on the weekend. We still texted and call each other just to see what’s up. This was where things got worse for me.

Coming back from Bromo, I found myself getting the disease I got the year before. In 2020, I got an issue with my intestines caused from a bacteria. The treatment was quite late and it made things really bad. I had to learn to walk again due to the weight loss and needed few months to recover. Knowing that I got that again made me feel so down. My doctor even told me that the treatment wouldn’t be short again. I had to take antibiotic that made me puke. I had to stop eating cheese, chocolate, ginger, alcohol, and anything deep friend--which were the only things I consume. I had to go back and fourth to the lab to see if my feces were clean or not.

I never eat or drink from street stall so I assumed it was because of the weather and/or my mental. The disease appeared in the same time, when we had to celebrate my dad’s death. I may say that I’m okay but my body told me the otherwise.

I contacted my psychologist regarding the problem (the disease, dad’s death, and his act where I felt like he started to avoid me). She was busy. We ended up not seeing each other. Another time where I got no help.

October ‘21

I was so stressed because of many things. My work, the relationship, the illness that wasn’t still recovered, the ticket refund, etc.

Early November ‘21

I recovered from my illness but my mental wasn’t in a stable condition yet. On the same week, I saw him on Viavia and he still could joke about how he still kept our old photos, especially the spicy ones. I didn’t know what to say so I stood there like an idiot and gave him the awkward laugh.

Mid November ‘21

Somehow I spent a night drinking at his house with his team, I forgot the occasion because I don’t think there’s any. We just hung and drank.

Late November ‘21

I asked a friend of my mine to tattoo me and they worked in a place where he usually visited. I wasn’t surprised when I found him and his friend sipping beers there. I didn’t really pay attention to them since I focused more on my friend and the tattoo I was about to get. His friend and him said good bye when I hadn’t started being tattooed. Much later, he went back to the place, saying something like, I still want to drink but don’t know where to go. Another friend of his came and sat next to him. They were sitting just in front of me so I could hear what they said but I pretended not to hear anything. There was one time when he said something like, “Her? She’s my manager and my kids’ teacher. She takes care of us all, I don’t know what happens if she’s not around.” Again, I pretended not to hear that. He checked on me to see my reaction, but I made myself focused more on the tattoo. I think at that point I didn’t want to care on anything coming from his mouth.

Very late November ‘21

We drank on his house with no occasion. When I was about to leave, he tried to stop me to make me stay, so I did. We both were drunk but I wasn’t as drunk as him. We had sex and in the middle of it he said, “You know, I almost intentionally impregnated you.” I laughed because I thought it was just a joke. “No, I’m serious. I wanted to do that so we could stay together.”

I was too drunk to respond it, but the next morning, I remembered everything. He didn’t remember anything from that night, I’d asked him couple of times. There was no text he sent after I went home that night (or early morning). There was nothing.

I still remembered the thing he said which made me go back to a night where I found out that he took off his condom without my knowing. I had to ask him if he removed his condom or not, he didn’t say anything at first but he finally admitted it. Was it an intentional to make me pregnant? Was it something else? I couldn’t think straight at that time but a friend of mine comforted me by saying that he was wrong and I was right for leaving him.

I wrote a poem about us which was read aloud on an event the following year.

December 23, ‘21

I went to his house to celebrate Christmas. There were already some people there, his team and some friends of his. Before I left, he texted me not to leave yet. We had sex that night and after we’re finished, he told me that he’s actually seeing another woman but he wasn’t clicked with her yet and planned to break up with her soon. He said she was too much, had a different religion from him, asked for money when she bought stuff for his kids, etc. I thought they just got to know each other for a short time, like a fling, so I let it pass.

He also asked me to just be sex partner which I agreed on with the thought that he would only do it to me. “But if I stop at you and you stop at me, we are dating, okay?” I didn’t say anything to this.

Early January ‘22

I eventually knew that he left his kids at home on NYE to drink with his friends at Prawiro/Paris Street. I felt sorry for the kids and told him about holiday depression because I don’t want them to experience it. He then took them to stay a night in a hotel. In the afternoon, he invited me to swim with them. I thought it was just gonna be swimming and that’s it, because I needed to go to grocery shopping and the supermarket was just next to the hotel. Nope, he asked me to stay up until late. He asked for a booze, I offered him to buy one for him with the thought that he would drink it himself, without me. Nope, he offered me the booze. We ended up kissing in front of the room. He actually planned for more but the kids weren’t asleep yet.

Late January ‘22

I knew how things between him and the other woman was getting more serious despite the fact that he said he had had enough of her for being too much and clingy. I politely asked if I bothered them or not because I wanted to step away from it but it felt like he hold me, made me stay, made me be the other choice when the other woman wasn’t available. I didn’t give my consent to the last part--he never asked anyway.

One night, I promised to myself to step away, lock the door behind me, and find new people. All of my friends were very supportive to me.

Last week of January ‘22

Just when I knew I was free from him, he told me that he broke up with the other woman. She blocked him and he laughed at it. I didn’t know what to respond so I just sat there asking him if he was okay or not. He said that he was totally fine, he wasn’t hurt at all, it was like nothing to him.

We then celebrated his birthday with some friends of his, I stayed overnight but because we’re both so tired, we didn’t have sex the next morning.

February ‘22

Because of his relationship status (well, ours), he was trying to get closer to me again. He would send me the good morning text, we would have sex once in a while with me thinking that he won’t see the other woman ever again. Of course I was the joke.

Late February ‘22

I celebrated my birthday with a friend of mine. He joined us right before midnight and posted a birthday greeting on his insta (which then was checked by the other woman). We kissed and he left. At night, we had dinner together with the kids and he gave me a pair of pants and I don’t know why I assumed that he gave the same pair to the other woman.

Early March ‘22

We’re getting close again and I helped him making the birthday party for his kids (I ordered the cake and decoration). We celebrated it but I couldn’t stay long enough at the party due to family thing.

Late March ‘22

He had a work with a big phone company. Because I thought that I was still part of his team, I thought that I would get a role on this project too. Nothing he said involved me until I had to ask whether I was needed or not. I mean, I know I can do nothing but ya know, I can grab ya beers if ya need em. He then said that I could just stay home with the kids (a.k.a. babysitting them). I was kinda disappointed but I was like, okay.

He worked for two days where the second day would be longer and more tiring, he said. He offered me to work until late or until around 6 and he would call their usual babysitter. I chose the later one. I went home around 6 or 7. Apparently, he finished his work earlier and invited me to “celebrate” the work since I was part of that team. I told him to just let me know when and where so I could join them since I was already free at that time. He said he was at his friend’s restaurant in Prawirotaman with some other team members. I was so ready to go until he said that he wouldn’t be long there because he’s tired and everything.

The next morning he told me that he was so tired because he spent a night at the restaurant. I said to him that he said he was going to leave early, that I didn’t go and join him because of that reason. He made excuses, saying something that his friend was there when he was about to leave and he didn’t want to let his friend down or something.

But I knew, I knew that I wasn’t wanted there. There might be someone else that he doesn’t want me to meet. Very professional, indeed.

Maybe he felt bad for me so he told me that we should celebrate it in a different way, with the kids. But I was already busy on the weekend since I had to push some things because I had to take care of his kids the days before. I was feeling unappreciated anyway so what’s the point.

Early April ‘22

He sold his t-shirt where I had to take care of the order, but not the content posted on Insta, it was all him. He posted two pictures of the other woman on his business account which made me question stuff. I asked him their relationship and he said that they’re just friends but it was the other woman who was still trying to get him and he was still thinking that she was too much for him.

Mid April ‘22

We still hung and drank together but I knew that I shouldn’t do it, but it felt like he pulled me over.

Late April ‘22

I was working on my product and needed help on the photos. I’ve actually asked some friends but he asked (more like forced?) me to help me. I agreed on it, I had some pics ready to post on insta even tho not all of them were based or at least similar to what I made on my mood board. I asked him how much I should charge and he said that I shouldn’t think about it.

He went to Jakarta to do a work on the same phone company. He already told me that he would work with the other woman, but since he said that they’re just friends now, I didn’t have any negative thought on them. At this point, I was working for him for another company of cellular data.

Somehow, on April 25th, I tweeted, “he’s probably fucking his ex rn.”

Mid May ‘22

He was already in Jogja and we hung and flirted like we did before. We celebrated a kid of his friend’s birthday together and even asked me to shower with him. Yes, in an event like that.

May 20s ‘22

He went back to Jakarta to work on the same thing with the same people. Again, I wasn’t included. So much appreciation for calling me a part of his team.

I knew one thing happened in this moment. I even tweeted about it, but maybe it was just a gut and as a scientific person who likes crime stories, I wouldn’t believe something until the person confesses.

Late May ‘22

After going back to Jakarta, we went to a gig with some other team members. One of them jokingly asked him if he got “jatah mantan” and said more evidences on it. This is it. This is the time I should be leaving.

The next morning I asked him if he had sex when he was in Jakarta. He said yes. He said it was a mistake and he shouldn’t do it. I laughed so hard reading the text, I laughed at me for being so stupid.

I immediately did an IVA test. It was positive. I had to come back the next week to do pap smear. I asked a friend of mine to accompany me, she said yes. We did it together. I was afraid that my period would come because according to my calendar, it should come soon. But no. I got my period late. I had so many negative thoughts. I had sex with him after he went back from Jakarta, unprotected, because he didn’t want to wear condom.

Pap smear test turned out well, but I still had to see my counselor for few meetings because of my stress. Everything was so draining and overwhelming. I felt like I was drowning. I’d wake up with anxiety most morning, I felt sick in my stomach, I couldn’t sleep well at night, I easily lost focus. I knew I needed help from many people.

June ‘22

I was quite suicidal but still trying to make everything as a joke. Friends helped me a lot in this situation. Some friends who don’t even know about the situation cheered me up with their stupid jokes that I laughed at anyway. Some small things would trigger me and gave me anxiety or panic attacks, even in the middle of party. There was a week where I woke up with anxiety every morning. I was kinda distant from him but there’s one more project that we had to do.

Mid June ‘22

We did a photoshoot for a contemporary artwork contest. It was all his idea. I almost didn’t do this thing, but I still had to ask him whether or not he wanted to go on, he did. He only needed my name since he’s too old to be in the contest. He picked all of the ideas and the references. He went with a queer theme since it’s my issue but I had no part in choosing anything. Everything was him. Doing the photoshoot was a hell for me because I also had to go back to the place where I first worked with him and his team mates.

Late June ‘22

There was a gig I attended as a seller in the south. A friend of mine told me about it and suggested me to join. I did it in the last minute.

I was by myself (of course, as usual), preparing the stuff, carrying everything, setting up the place, selling and explaining the products. He and his team were there. One of them was there to present a film he and his other team did, the other was just there to watch the gig, just like him. He drank, obviously. I don’t know what he has taken, but late at night when the event almost ended, he came up to me and brought me some amer. I drank some then got tipsy. We then talked and in the middle of our conversation, he had the audacity to ask me if we can go back like we did before. You know, sex and flirty messages. I was too nice to say no, I said I’d think about it. I should’ve said fuck no.

Early July ‘22

I went to go on a holiday (finally!) and ditched all of my work. Our photo was done and ready to be framed and shipped, so he texted me to deal with it. I said I’d do it on July 5 at night because that’s the time I’d be on the train to go back home. I think he didn’t like my response since he said to do it quicker. I just said I’d do that on July 5 at night again.

After I went back home, I went to Artjog and saw him there. Things were awkward between us, I could tell. He left early while I was still there.

A couple days after that, I went to a club somewhere in the north and met his close friend. He asked me why I wasn’t with him anymore. I told him the truth that he didn’t want me. He said things were too fast between us but then he went on a date with a woman whom he only knew for 2 months. His friend asked me what I was looking for in a guy, I couldn’t think straight so I just told him that as long as he wants me, I can be with that guy. He said he wanted me and touched my arm and shoulder in a very creepy way. He almost touched my boob but I moved. I couldn’t say no, I was afraid.

Mid July ‘22

He asked me to babysit his kids. I didn’t really know where he went, didn’t really wanna know either. Things went well, we went back to his house and I left immediately.

End of July ‘22

I was looking for support group because I felt like I needed it more than seeing a counselor. A friend of mine suggested to see someone who usually deals with victims of sexual harassments but not exactly a counselor or something. I asked for their contact and agreed to see them early August.

At the same time, I shared my story on Instastory without telling my followers that it was my story. I did a polling on whether or not what he did was a harassment or not and 100% of the voters voted yes. That gave me a hope because I thought this whole time I was being too much.

Early August ‘22

On the first weekend of August, I met the person I mentioned before. I thought that they’re gonna say that it was nothing, that it was all just me being too dramatic and the actual problem wasn’t that big. They said the opposite things. They said that it was very complex because not only it was a personal problem, but there were other problems in it, like age gap and power relation. I felt really relieved after meeting them. They also told me that I had to be fully free from him which means I had to stop working with and/or for him. I said that I could stop being his personal assistant but I didn’t think I could stop teaching his kids. They needed me.

The following Monday I had to teach him which means I had to go to his house. That day also happened to be a birthday of one of my students who was also a friend of his kids, so we decided to go there together. Before teaching, I told him that I needed to talk to him after the class. He agreed but after minutes of waiting, he said that we better did it on the birthday party. Funny. So we met there, I had to wait for him to approach me but it’s like he got stuck on his seat. I had to be the one who came to him and told him that I was ready to talk. There was some interruption by the kids or other people. He still had the chance to talk to one of the people there why they didn’t invite his team member. The person said that his team member was actually at that place (they weren’t) and he asked the person to call him to join us. To join us, when I was about to talk to him??? Chicken move I have to say.

It was really difficult for me to say the stuff. I almost broke and cried but I held all the anger and tears I had left. I asked him whether he still needed my assistance or not in which he didn’t answer directly. He just told me that he wasn’t busy anymore. “I want to stop working for you as your assistant,” was the thing I finally said. “You don’t need any more assistance, right? You could do anything now. I’m not needed anymore.”

“Okay,” he finally said something. I didn’t mean to be arrogant or something, but I kinda expected an apology or gratitude. Instead of giving those, he asked, “How much do I owe you?”

“I don’t know, I don’t care.” I was disappointed that he brought up money instead. That was not the big issue.

I asked the same thing just to make things fair, he said the same thing.

I then left from the party.

August ‘22 - present

I still teach his kids. I was thinking to stop teaching them after they moved to their new house but it was very obvious that they still needed me. I thought I could leave them with him and his new girlfriend, but she didn’t even brush the kids’ hair like I did, he was mad when he explains math questions to his kid, and his kids still desperately need more attention and help from me.

(All conversations above were in Indonesian, I wrote the English version because I am more comfortable this way).

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findingjoynweirdstuff · 3 years

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Dream SMP Recap (April 18/2021) - Skeppy and the Egg

With only a week left to prepare for the Red Banquet, Bad takes a trip down to the Egg and ends up in a tense confrontation with Skeppy.

A brief summary of the week’s total events can be found at the end of the post.

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VOD LINKS:

HBomb94

Foolish

Badboyhalo

Captain Puffy

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- HBomb hosts Niki, Puffy and Hannah’s episode of L’Cast!

- Bad rows to shore in a boat. He gets out near Fundy’s base.

- He examines the server, remarking on how the Blood Vines are gone. It’s all in preparation. One week from today will be the Red Banquet.

- Quackity has been causing nothing but problems. Meanwhile, the Egg Room has been renovated with Nether brick walls. The plants have been growing nicely, and a dance floor has been prepared.

- Bad looks at the dining area. There are many chairs, but Bad isn’t sure if there will be enough seats for everyone.

- The Egg whispers to him.

“I will give you your heart’s desire. I will give you what you want.”

Bad: “I know. You don’t have to say it anymore, I know!”

- Bad walks over to the Egg and notices Skeppy there. Skeppy tells him that he wants to be near the Egg. Bad says he worries about him, but Skeppy says he’s fine and to leave him alone.

- Bad tries to convince him to go on a walk. Skeppy tells him that there’s nothing he can say to change his mind. He’s staying with the Egg.

Bad: “I mean I...All of this, all of this is for him...and it’s so frustrating. I just -- I know that Egg, it’s not evil, and everybody’s just misunderstanding it, and I know -- at the Banquet, we’re gonna show them! We’re gonna show everybody exactly what the Egg is all about, and exactly what the Egg wants, they’re gonna see it for themselves. Everybody’s gonna see it...but I just don’t like how much time he spends by it now. He literally just hangs out by it. I mean -- if it wasn’t for Skeppy, it probably wouldn’t have even survived that explosion...Oh my goodness...he was able to repair it.”

- As Bad talks, he watches Skeppy fiddling with the Egg’s surface. The Egg whispers again.

“I will give you your heart’s desire. I will give you what you want.”

- Skeppy asks why Bad is still talking to him. Bad reluctantly leaves to look at the decorations again. Skeppy tells him that no one has entered or left the premises.

- Bad reminds Skeppy of the statues he built for him. Bad says he thinks it looked a little better before...Skeppy asks what it’ll take to get Bad to stop talking to him.

- Bad tells Skeppy he found something wrong on the perimeter. Skeppy says nothing could possibly be wrong, but Bad insists they do one last walk around. He says if they go for a walk, he’ll stop bothering Skeppy.

- The Egg starts to whisper, but Bad tells it to stop and the Egg goes quiet before it can say anything.

- They start walking. Bad says that no dancing is actually going to take place, it’s just for show. He shows Skeppy the table too, but Skeppy gets impatient.

Skeppy: “What’s the mistake? I feel like you’re manipulating and lying to me right now.”

- He shows Skeppy a wall. Skeppy says the wall is “crisp and perfect,” and nothing is wrong with it. He goes back to the Egg.

- Skeppy says he invites Bad to get on the Egg. He gets Bad to stand on it. Skeppy asks if Bad feels good. Bad says he does, but Skeppy insists.

- The Egg starts talking and Bad tells it to shut up again.

“Nourishment...”

Bad: “Quiet! You muffinhead.”

- Skeppy asks why he keeps doing that. Bad snaps and says he doesn’t like how Skeppy’s been acting lately.

Bad: “It’s not about power! It’s not about control! I’m your FRIEND, Skeppy!”

Skeppy: “I mean...you can think that.”

Bad: “...What do you mean?”

Skeppy: “I mean, what do you want?”

Bad: “No, what did you just say? You said ‘you can think that,’ what do you mean?!”

Skeppy: “You can think whatever you want in your silly little mind, okay? It doesn’t matter to me.”

Bad: “No, we’re friends, right?”

Skeppy: “Sure.”

Bad: “Sure?! That’s it?”

Skeppy: “You can call it whatever you want, alright? In your head, we can be best friends, okay? We can be friends for life. Just leave. Me. Alone.”

...

Skeppy: “It’s up to you, ultimately, because I can’t change your mind. So stop trying to change mine.”

- Bad is furious. Is the Egg Skeppy’s friend now, the only thing he hangs out with?

Skeppy: "The Egg is more than just a friend. The Egg is life itself.”

- Skeppy tells him he doesn’t expect Bad to understand the feeling within.

Bad: “I...I have done so much, because I did for...for you! For our friendship! And now you’re trying to tell me that we’re not friends anymore?”

Skeppy: “Did I say that?”

Bad: “No, but you’re saying you’d rather spend time with this Egg!”

Skeppy: “I’m not saying it, I’ve been proving it.”

- Bad and Skeppy start arguing and yelling at each other. Bad says he’s done so much, sacrificed so much to protect Skeppy from the other people on the server.

Skeppy: “You left me for a long, long, long time before you even checked up on me, okay? And now, all of a sudden, you care about me? All of a sudden we’re best friends and all you have is my best interest? I don’t think so!”

Skeppy: “The past doesn’t matter. It’s only about the future and the present. And right now, I know what I want.”

- Skeppy goes back to the Egg.

Bad: “Skeppy...I just wanted us to hang out like we used to.”

Skeppy: “Yeah, well...Times change. So do people. So get used to it.”

Bad: “I just -- I did this all for you and I didn’t want the Egg to take that away.”

Skeppy: “Do you hear how selfish that is? You are trying to take away what I enjoy, and what I like, for your own benefit? Do you realize how selfish that is of you? you don’t actually care about me! Stop hitting me! That is the definition of selfish!”

Bad: “YOU TAKE THAT BACK. Skeppy, if you have any idea of what I have done, and you calling it selfish?!”

...

Bad: “I...I want an apology. I don’t want you to call ALL the sacrifices that I made for you selfish! Take that back, right now! Apologize!”

Skeppy: “They were ALL selfish, and they were all for your own benefit! You didn’t even consider letting me spend a little bit! Just a little bit of time with the Egg! That was completely cut out!”

Bad starts shaking.

“IT’S JUST A STUPID EGG, SKEPPY!”

- He pushes Skeppy into the lava and Skeppy dies. Bad screams, horrified.

Bad: “Skeppy, wait! No! I’m sorry! Skeppy no! ...What happened? What did I do?”

The screen goes black.

--- ---

CANON DEATH: SKEPPY

Cause: Pushed into lava by Badboyhalo

--- ---

Skeppy: “Bad? Bad? Bad...Bad, answer me!”

- Skeppy is blue. He’s standing in a wooden house, calling for Bad.

- The view pans around. Skeppy is standing in front of a white bed. He quietly asks for Bad to answer him.

- The view zooms out, exiting through the door marked as Bones and Skeppy’s house.

It’s Big Daddy Island.

The screen cuts to black again.

- Bad visits Puffy at the mansion.

- Bad asks if Puffy’s excited for the Banquet. He sounds saddened. Bad tells her Skeppy died, though. He fell into lava. “Gravity killed him.”

- Puffy asks if Skeppy was shoved.

- They argue about whether gravity would be the killer if Puffy pushes Bad off a roof. Puffy does so and then tridents, accidentally falling to her death.

- Bad talks to Puffy about how he and Skeppy got into an argument because Skeppy kept doing nothing but sitting on an Egg despite all that Bad did for him. Then Skeppy slipped and fell into lava.

- Puffy asks if this means the Egg that Bad loves so much killed Skeppy.

- No matter what, the Banquet has to happen. Bad says he’ll cover the lava up. Puffy will still attend, but the gravity of the situation has changed.

Puffy: “There’s going to be no accidental deaths?”

Bad: “No...”

Puffy: “There was hesitation there.”

Bad: “No accidental deaths.”

- Puffy writes the death report.

Puffy: “Friends aren’t forever but that dump truck sure is.”

- They switch out of canon as Skeppy comes over to hang out.

- Puffy suggests that Bad and Skeppy get a room. To play chess in. They go inside of the Rat statue to play chess. They play Battleship? And then chess but with their minds.

- There’s a lot of interesting talk in the Rat statue.

- After a lot more banter, Skeppy logs off with Mr. Pointy. Puffy says she should start charging for couple’s therapy.

- Skeppy logs on and they get into a chase. He falls and dies and Puffy retrieves Mr. Pointy.

- Bad and Skeppy start bargaining for it from Puffy.

- Bad, Skeppy, Puffy and Sam all hang out together

Upcoming Events:

- Ranboo’s lore stream (April 23rd)

- The Red Banquet (April 24th)

- Dream SMP one-year anniversary (April 24th/25th)

- Tales From the SMP: “Space Race”

- Dream’s lore video

END OF WEEK RECAP:

4/12 - Quackity recounts the events leading up to his visit with Dream

4/13 - Nothing much happens.

4/14 - Foolish hires HBomb to be his maid.

4/15 - Nothing much happens.

4/16 - Nothing much happens.

4/17 - Hannah goes sleepwalking

4/18 - Bad and Skeppy fight, Bad kills Skeppy

#dream smp #dream smp recaps #long posts

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andilovetowrite · 3 years

Text

Chosen Couple (Part 3)

Peter Parker x Reader (The reader is an Avenger)

Summary- Peter and you have a movie night to celebrate the school year ending, but the night takes an unexpected turn. Suddenly, you wish you had never even gone to Peter’s house in the first place.

Warnings- Pretty bad angst, but then again, it’s my first time writing it, so I am open to comments and suggestions on how to improve it.

Posted: April 26, 2021

Word Count- 2.3k

Part 1 and Part 2

Feeling your face heat up, you read the card again and again. Could it be for you? Could Peter like you back? But you got your answer quite quickly.

“What are you doing?!” Peter asked, dashing to you, webbing the box shut.

“Uh, just checking out what was in the box…” you said, crossing your fingers behind your back. “Who’s it for Peter?”

He stared at you, and for a second, you thought he was going to say your name, tell you that he liked you back, tell you that he wanted to be more than friends. But it all went down the drain, and your heart sunk to your stomach when he blurted out. “MJ!”

“MJ?” you asked, feeling pieces of your heart tear into two. Peter looked shocked at what he said, eyebrows furrowed at the slight shake in your voice. But he couldn’t take it back now, could he?

“Y-yeah...uh, I.. um, like MJ, and I told Mr Stark the other day, and he helped me buy these things for yo-her”, he said, stuttering lightly. Maybe if you had paid attention, you would have seen the slight look of desperation on his face, but you were too busy trying to keep a neutral face.

“You told Tony before you told me?” you asked randomly, trying to mask the pain in your voice.

Again, Peter looked crestfallen, looking at the ground before nodding. “You know, because MJ is your best friend, and I thought that if you knew, you might tell her and she might reject me before I even could tell her how I feel” As Peter went on with the sentence, you could see his eyes start to shine a bit, and the small ball in your throat started to grow bigger, almost choking you.

You could feel a slight tingling in your stomach and hands, meaning your powers were beginning to become stronger. It usually happened when you were angry, but now, it made sense that it showed up whenever strong feelings were blowing up your mind. Numbly nodding, you picked up the beautiful copy of the book he had gotten her, now understanding.

You weren’t the only one who liked the book. MJ loved it as well. A couple of weeks ago, you two were chatting about it in the cafeteria, laughing and joking around, and then Peter had shown up, pulling you aside to ask you what was the title of the book that had you enamoured. Well, which had MJ enchanted. Putting it back down, you gulped, forcing a smile on your face. The air was uncomfortable for a couple of minutes, neither of you saying anything. Peter kept staring at the ground while you were blinking rapidly, trying to have a weak attempt at keeping the flow of tears threatening to burst out. Just as you were about to leave from the high tension, open the door and leave, the lights flickered back one by one, the TV’s sounds filling the room again.

“Um, do you want to finish movie night?” Peter’s voice asked from behind you, making you hesitate. You had two choices. You could either go home and cry under the comfort of your bed and then rant to Nat and Wanda about your conundrum, or you could suck it up and endure few more hours of torture, knowing that the last four years of your life spent on loving you best friend would be in vain…. See, you had never taken the easy way out in anything.

So you nodded at him, not saying a word as you slowly walked back to the sofa where you were just about to confess your feelings. Not even touching the blanket, on you and Peter earlier, you pulled your feet up, hugging your knees. Peter sat from across you, reaching out his hand as he might touch you but then pulling it back. You could hardly pay attention to the movie, which was probably the sixth one.

Instead, you focused on the clock, watching the minutes tick by slowly. Second by second. You knew him long enough to see that he wasn’t paying attention either. Any time you spared him a glance, he seemed far away, glassy-eyed and lost in thought. Just as the movie was ending, Peter asked out loud, his voice sharp and brittle.

“Why are you so weird?”

Looking at him properly for the first time since you opened the box, you were speechless. Why were you weird? Maybe because you thought you and Peter were close enough to share little things like crushes. Maybe you were mad that he could trust you with his life on the battlefield but not with his high school crush. Maybe you were furious that he went to Tony for help. Maybe because you thought that he and you were closer than him and Tony. Maybe because you were angry that he couldn’t just suck it up and tell you that he liked MJ. Perhaps because you liked him like he liked MJ, and just maybe because you thought that he wanted you like he liked MJ...

But you couldn’t tell that to him, so you just said back in an emotionless voice. “I’m not weird at all. Why do you think I’m weird?”

Not expecting you to beat around the bush, he answered back, hints of a frown showing up on his face. “Well, you haven’t said anything since I told you I liked MJ. Do you have some type of problem with her?” As soon as he finished, his face contorted into a frown as if he was in pain.

Shocked that he would even ask that, you shot back. “I don’t have any problem with MJ. Hell, she is my best friend. I just want to know why you didn’t tell me about this simple secret?”

He spat, answering me back as he stood up, towering over me. “What’s your problem?! Just cause I don’t tell you about my crush? Oh, and by the way, it’s not a simple little secret. I’ve loved her for years!” His jaw clenched lightly, slowly looking you in the eyes.

Shaking your head, you stood up, now standing the same height as him. “I’m don’t have a problem with anything. I just thought that you- uh…-”, gulping softly, you gaped at him, “Peter, why are you acting like this?”

Breathing heavily now, he glared at you, hate in his eyes, mixed with something you couldn’t make out. “Why are you acting like my mother Y/N?!”

“What the hell Parker? I could’ve helped you out. We’ve always done these things together”, you said, pushing out the words. Your stomach twisted as you said you would help him, curling with envy and jealously towards MJ.

“Oh yeah? Like how you asked for my help with Brad?”

Exasperated, you threw your hands up, light lavender light starting to show from your fingertips. “What is it with you and Brad? He’s a great guy!”

“Uh-huh, and that’s why you thanked me for launching you out of that problematic date of yours, right?”

Starting to feel tired and feeling the weight of your fight beginning to fall on you, you just gazed at him, trying to figure out why his face was red. “Is it because of the movie? Or the exams?”

“Y/N, I don’t know why you can’t just-”, going to sighed, hands running through his curls. The only time you had seen him this broken was when Tony had taken away his suit and when you came with him to find the Vulture. You took a deep breath, moving back from the couch. This was the first time you and Peter had ever fought on something so minute. So irrelevant. Something so damn hard to swallow for you. Peter clicked his tongue and then called out, fire laced in his words.

“Well, maybe it is because of the movie. You keep saying that you like Harry and have spent your whole life loving him as a... character, but now, judging from your glances at the screen, Ron’s the one you want, don’t you?”His eyes narrowed into tiny slits as he spoke.

“Oh yeah, and why’s that?” you asked accusingly, folding your arms over your chest.

“I don’t know? Maybe because you just have bad taste in men!” he said, sneering at you. Not once, ever in the six years you had known Peter did you see him sneer at you. But this only fueled the anger deep within your chest.

“Well, in that case, you probably don’t even like Hermione so much. You would like someone like Ginny Weasley! You tried to stop, but you couldn’t as you went on, airing all of your problems out.

“Oh wait, and your right, I do like Ron better. It’s because Ron is tall and cute, part of sports teams and oh yeah, he gets all the girls. He has experience with a girl, and I think that’s what makes him more interesting than Harry!” you said, knowing that the topic had gone off the movie long ago.

Peter almost looked hurt for a couple of seconds as you spoke of ‘Ron’, but then he clenched his jaw, face hardening. “Well, your right then! Ginny is the perfect girl. I mean, her life is smooth and secure, with family and friends surrounding her. Not like Hermione, whose parents don’t even care about her, let alone anyone else.”

As soon as Peter finished, you could feel the anger draining out of you, replaced by a blinding pain in your chest. You could see Peter’s eyes widen in realisation, softening apologetically. Letting out a long breath, you stood up, not wanting to let him see the tears welling in your eyes. “Why would you say that?”, You asked as you let out all the pent up energy, stress and emotions you had been holding in for the evening in one go. Picking up your phone, you began walking to the door, ignoring Peter’s calls behind you.

“Y/N, I’m sorry, I’m so so sorry!” Peter said, calling out, his voice cracking towards the end. Gritting your teeth, you kept going. You were taught from a young age never to cry in public. You had kind of let that go with Peter, though. He was your best friend. You two used to talk about many things, about school, movies, family, friends. You had comforted Peter every year when his parent’s death anniversary came around. He was a shoulder to cry on when being an Avenger became just too much for you. But you had never cried because of Peter. Never but none because of your fight.

Oh, and coincidentally, that little piece of advice was given by your parents. Your parents who...left you. Almost forgot about you. Feeling a fresh new set of emotions burst through your mouth. Whirling backwards, you stared at Peter. He was standing in the middle of the hallway, almost hunched over under your vision. He glanced up at you, eyes bloodshot. “I’m sorry”, he whispered helplessly.

Dark purple light started emerging from you, making your hair stand up. You could feel your heartbeat get faster as you pushed out every last bit of hatred you could muster. Peter’s face was now reflecting the violet light, lip quivering ever so slightly.

“Why would you use my parents? You know how I-” Feeling a sob jump out of your throat, you collapsed on the floor, the purple ring around you flashing out before the apartment became as dark as before. Just as you fell, you felt Peter run over to you; arm’s circling you. You could feel his hair tickling your neck as he bought you closer.

“I didn’t mean it. Please…”, Peter said, holding you tight as his embrace. Wondering if you should push him back, you couldn’t be bothered. Instead, you hugged him back, letting yourself melt into him. You don’t know how long you stayed in that position, huddled near the door, both you and Peter trying to figure things out.

But at some point, when you were sure that you could stand up without becoming a bumbling mess of tears, you pulled away. Peter looked at you, eyes rimmed with red, cheeks puffy with his curls a mess. Sniffing, you stand up, not saying anything as you turn away, opening the door softly and looking back at him, your gaze diverting to the black box.

“Go give it to her Pete. I’m sure she would love it.”

And with that, you walked out the door, into the dark night, rain pelting on your head, but truthfully, you couldn’t care less at this point.

Damn, and I thought this would be a fun, fluffy piece, but it turned into something a bit more… Well, anyway, let’s see what happens next. Will Peter give MJ the box? Will Y/N ever even talk to Peter and MJ? Check it out in a few days when I put out the next part. Also, if you made it this far, maybe follow me to see some more short series and stories about our favourite spider boy :)

Part 1 and Part 2

Part 4

#peter parker x bestfriend reader #peter parker fluff #peter parker x reader imagine #avenger reader #avengers #tony stark #mj #spideychelle #angst #peter parker and y/n #peter parker angst

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seokmingiggles · 3 years

Text

65 song lyric prompts. (+ requests are now open!)

Happy three-month anniversary of me posting my first fic! To celebrate, I’ve decided to re-open my requests! This time, I’m opening requests for drabbles only (so I’ll be writing for pieces approximately 0.5-2k in length). As I am still in the middle of my semester, I do not want to have longer requests on the back burner to worry about (and I have far too many wips, too... remind me why I’m doing this again?).

Something else that I’m doing differently this time around is supplying some potential prompts to include with your desired member (or group if you’d like a surprise pairing; I enjoy doing that, too!). I will mention that the lyrics listed below are entirely optional to include in your request.

If you do decide to include a lyric in your request, I will either use it directly in your story or as a concept to determine the overall tone of the fic. (What I mean is, don’t be surprised if your chosen song lyric isn’t explicitly mentioned in your requested piece!)

The lyrics listed below are a blend of fluff and angst; feel free to include a specific genre in your request, too, if you’d like! And this is a friendly reminder that I won’t write anything regarding incredibly sensitive topics or NSFW. Here is my request faq page if you’d like a refresher!

(Lastly, here’s a quick shoutout to @woozisnoots for supplying me with the last three song lyrics on this list. Thanks again, Alex!)

"Those three words now are home." Broods; Four Walls.

"Come and kiss me slow." Niki; Spell.

"You'll be my best friend until we grow old." Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; this is how you fall in love.

"So pull me tight and close your eyes." Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; this is how you fall in love.

"I want to embrace you like I did then." Seventeen; Habit.

"I want things like they were before." 88rising, Niki, Phum Viphurit; Strange Land.

"The starlight of the day we saw together." Tomorrow x Together; Magic Island.

"The smile that you gave me." Billie Eilish; i love you.

"There's nothing stopping you from leaving." EDEN; love, death, distraction.

"Hold my breath another minute." The Japanese House; Lilo.

"Every move was just habitual." The Japanese House; Lilo.

"I keep looking for something even though I know that it's not there." The Japanese House; Maybe You're the Reason.

"We don't touch anymore." The Japanese House; We Talk all the Time.

"And all the ideas, and the hope I'd never ask him for, I'll throw them away." dodie; Cool Girl.

"And I'm kissing pillow lips, drunk off saccharine potions." Niki; Pandemonium.

"I won’t take you for granted because you loved me as I am." Seventeen; Fallin' Flower.

"I met you, and I realized that everything has a reason." Seventeen; Fallin' Flower.

"In my heart, it’s only you." Seventeen; Thanks.

"I'll disconnect and keep the heart safe; I replicate emotion." Chase Atlantic; LOVE IS (NOT) EASY.

"I remember your eyes in the moonlight, but I only get to see you in my mind." Daniel Schultz; Bad Company.

"Those little curls on the back of his head bouncing as he steps out of my life, forever." Tom Misch; Movie.

“Two lovers in this mystic dream.” Tom Misch; Movie.

“But would you realize what you meant to me, or was it mystery?” Tom Misch; Movie.

"But when I reach for you, there's just a supercut." Lorde, Supercut.

"In the starlight so blue, remember evenings so yellow." Miles Cameron; Caged Bird.

"I no longer dream of you, but your shirt's still in my dresser." Miles Cameron; Caged Bird.

"Maybe I'm too busy being yours to fall for somebody new." Arctic Monkeys; Do I Wanna Know?

"Thanks for listening to me out of pity." Gallant, Panasonic.

"Say what you want, but I've seen a million faces, and not even one can compete with watching you." Gallant, Céline.

"You are the sunlight that rose again in my life." BTS; Euphoria.

"When you called me, I became your flower." BTS; Serendipity.

"You're something like an angel; you do something to my mind." Pink Sweat$ (feat. Joshua & DK of SEVENTEEN); 17.

"I find solace riding in your front seat ‘till morning." Dizzy; Joshua.

"Think about your lips and the way they kiss; there's so much I really miss about you." Sam Smith; For the Lover That I Lost.

"Guess we'll never know all the beautiful things we could be." Sam Smith; Forgive Myself.

“I love that it's not hard to be in a place where laughing's easy.” Still Woozy; Goodie Bag.

"We don't need much outside of us, do we?" Lauv, Alessia Cara; Canada.

"The way I feel and the way we kiss, swear that nothing else in the world exists." Lauv; Invisible Things.

"Close your eyes; if you're tired, lean on me for a second." TAEMIN, WENDY; Be Your Enemy.

"And I know I like to draw that line when it starts to get too real." Troye Sivan; Talk Me Down.

"Just like the tall sky, the chilly wind, the vast ocean, you’ve become a part of the scenery that I take for granted." Seventeen; Smile Flower.

"We mess around, and laugh too loud, and make the sounds we try to hide when people are around." Conan Gray; Comfort Crowd.

"Flowers bloom even in the falling rain." Hwasa; LMM.

"Will I get to you a little faster if I was the snow in the air?" BTS; Spring Day.

"Wait a little bit, just a few more nights; I’ll be there to see you." BTS; Spring Day.

"But we're the greatest they'll hang us in the Louvre." Lorde; The Louvre.

"You asked for my heart, but I didn't know where to start." The Weeknd; Nothing Compares.

"And I know you don't love me so, but please say it once before I go." Matt Maltese; Even If It's a Lie.

“I hope it’s you they put me in the ground by.” Niki; Around.

"Collecting my thoughts just to keep them on inside." Thomston; April.

"I'm surprised when you kiss me." King Princess; 1950.

“You’re beautiful, that’s what you are, and I still don’t know how we fell in love.” Jeremy Zucker; orchid.

“I ask you just to hold me, hold me tightly, hold my body.” Wet, Body.

“I will lay down by your side; I will keep an open eye while you stare into the Sun.” Jeremy Zucker; hell or flying.

“Listen carefully, winter; you made me bloom. Now I will send forth my blue aroma with my branches; I'll show you that there's another sky.” Younha, RM; WINTER FLOWER.

“Some things stay, and some things fade.” Rei Brown; Wouldn’t It Be Great.

“I find her silhouette dances in the corners of my mind.” Rei Brown; Wouldn’t It Be Great.

“And in spite of it all, you’re still my everything.” Jeremy Zucker, Chelsea Cutler; emily.

“So do your worst to me.” Bruno Major; Just The Same.

“I don't need to take your heart; you keep yours, I'll keep mine.” Niki; Lose.

“I'm brittle at the parts where I wish I were strong.” Niki; Lose.

“Inside my blue dream, I want to hold you even if you say we can't.” J-Hope; Blue Side (Outro).

“Heaven is in reach; does your heart skip a beat when I'm gone?” PARADISE RISING, Fern; Kaori.

“Sometimes is just sometimes, and you know, sometimes never stays.” khai dreams; Sandals.

“I only feel alive when I’m breathing in your air.” pretty havoc; goddess.

#requests #open requests #prompt list #lyric prompts #seventeen #seventeen x reader #bts #bts x reader

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punksarahreese · 3 years

Note

I haven't had another episode, except last night was touch and go + Mr Crockett

Episode | Crockett Marcel

Excerpt from a psych!AU I’ll never write; Crockett is an inpatient in the psych ward and he has therapy with his favourite Psychiatrist

Prompt: “I haven’t had another episode, except last night was touch and go.”

Word count: 1797

CW: Psych ward, talks of depressive episodes, brief mention of dermatillomania, schizoaffective disorder, child death

***

“Mr. Marcel?” the voice at his door made Crockett groan, recognizing the voice as the nurse who always disturbed him at ridiculous hours. He wanted to have a talk with whoever decided pill time would be at six in the morning, how was he supposed to “heal” if they never let him get any sleep?

“Maggie, can’t you let me sleep for another hour,” he rolled over and sighed when she shook her head. Medication and vitals were a morning routine, every day before the sun even thought about rising completely. Routine was good, they told him, a routine would help with figuring out what was reality and what was his mind playing tricks. He didn’t think so, nothing would stop the fact that he saw his daughter clear as day despite the 5th anniversary of her death steadily approaching.

“Up and at ‘em, mister,” the nurse mused as she marched over with his tray and the cart carrying the monitors. He obliged because he had no choice but to do so, even though he hated the way the pills made him feel. Antipsychotics were something Crockett hated, ever since his diagnosis back when he was just twenty-one. They made him feel incorrect, as if he was floating through life with blinders on. He knew they were supposed to help, to show him what was really there, but he couldn’t help but think it made him more miserable.

“You have one-on-one therapy today,” she reminded him as she watched Crockett take his pills and then checked under his tongue to ensure he wasn’t hiding them. He had tried that a couple times and sometimes it worked on the younger nurses, but not Maggie. She knew all, especially these kinds of tricks, and Crockett wasn’t about to risk mandatory IV medications for another month just for one day without the drugs.

“Oh lovely,” he muttered, “Not that Charles guy again, right? He’s insufferable.”

Maggie laughed, “Oh please, Daniel is just fine.”

“Insufferable,” he restated with an eye-roll, still complying when she held out the pulse oximeter to clip it to his fingertip. Maggie just hummed, watching the machine for a moment before speaking.

“I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. If it makes it any better, though, you’ll be seeing Doctor Reese today.”

That brought a smile to his face, though it was one that never quite reached his eyes. Maggie wasn’t sure if she had ever seen a genuine smile from Crockett, certainly not since Harper’s death and the worsening of his illness. Still, if one thing made his days more bearable it was sessions with Doctor Reese, who Crockett had started to consider more of a friend than a physician by that point.

“Our Sarah,” he hummed as she took the device off his hand, “She’s lovely.”

“She is,” the nurse agreed, “Now go get ready for the day, Crockett. You’ll be expected in the dining hall by 7:00 and I certainly won't have you slumming around in your pyjamas all day; you know the drill.”

***

By noon, Crockett was ready to go back to bed. Breakfast had been as dull as always, with his friend Ava in solitary for the next two days he didn’t have many people to speak to. Well, Natalie liked to talk to him but, if he was being honest, she could be a little much. She was just excited, Maggie insisted, but she tried to get Crockett to talk about his hallucinations far too often for him to be comfortable.

Jimmy sat with him that day, though. He didn’t talk much, or ever really, but he was decent company. They played cards together sometimes and always partnered for the team-building exercises in group therapy. Crockett didn’t press for verbal communication and Jimmy never judged him for his episodes; it was a friendship built on silent respect and they were both pleased with that arrangement. Still, Crockett often preferred to be alone, and that day was no different, so he retreated to his bedroom the second they allowed him to.

When nurse April arrived at his door with her tablet in hand, Crockett had been staring blankly at the TV. It wasn’t on, never was, but he watched it as if the most riveting program was playing. He wasn’t focusing on a delusion, though, and he promised April that when she asked if he was okay. The meds got rid of most of his visual symptoms, though the auditory ones were still a frequent occurrence with or without the drugs. He just liked to look at the TV, letting his mind wander to a time where he could actually enjoy television. It had been about five years by then, the last movie he remembered watching being the Princess and the Frog. Harper had loved that movie and talked excitedly of visiting New Orleans to see where her papa and Princess Tiana were both from. She never got there, unfortunately; the cancer taking her before her dad had the time to buy plane tickets.

“Come now, Crockett. Sarah is waiting in the conference room for you.”

He let the nurse lead him down the hall, silent because his head was still miles away. He was alert and lucid, that wasn’t the problem. Today it wasn’t delusions that plagued Crockett, instead it was the memories that had started to hurt him the most. Sarah would ask about that, especially once she saw the semi-lunar marks along the inside of his wrists, turning to scratches that curled up towards his biceps. Maggie hadn’t seen them because of his long sleeve shirt that morning but Sarah would check, she always did. It’s not as though Crockett did it on purpose, but when he couldn’t sleep at night and his skin was crawling all he could do was dig his nails in and pray for it to stop. The bugs weren’t there, Sarah always said they weren’t real, but his skin felt wrong and nothing would stop it. He had to scratch, he would tell her; it was the only way to make it stop.

“Crockett,” she greeted him cheerfully the second he stepped into the room, “Have a seat.”

“Hello, Sarah,” he replied as kindly as he could, though he was a bit distracted. His mood had been pretty low all morning, which was probably evident in his posture and demeanour.

“How have you been doing?

Crockett just shrugged, occupying himself with studying Sarah’s name badge. She had gotten a new one, the piece of plastic now boasting “psychiatry fellow”. She had been his secondary therapist since she was just in her second year of residency, so it was nice to see her climbing the ranks. It was well deserved, of course; Sarah had been the one constant in his most recent stay that kept Crockett relatively sane.

“Crockett?”

“Fine, I guess,” he muttered, “I haven’t had another episode… except last night was touch and go.”

“How so?” She was always so patient, not pushing too much, but she did need answers. If he was still having episodes on his antipsychotics, they may need to adjust the dosage again. He hoped she wouldn’t, though, because he hated the constant brain fog that came along with high dosing.

“A low, again.” he was fidgeting with his sleeve, not able to make eye contact at that point. His depression was a topic he never liked to discuss, since it was an aspect of his disorder he hadn’t been aware of until after Harper. Before it was just schizophrenia, a diagnosis that came about after a paranoia episode landed him in handcuffs in the security office at his university. However, when he hit a major low after Harper’s leukaemia was found, his primary psychiatrist noted that his diagnosis may be more than they expected. Schizoaffective disorder with the depression variant, he was told, and that was probably a factor in why he didn’t respond to the medications in the beginning.

“I see,” Sarah typed something onto his chart before looking up at him with gentle eyes, “Do you want to share how you felt?”

“I miss her,” he admitted softly, “It’s hard.”

“I know, I’m genuinely sorry, Crockett. Harper must have been so loved, I’m sure she misses you.”

“The meds…” Crockett huffed, “I can’t see her anymore.”

“Crockett, she’s not there,” Sarah’s words were gentle but still firm, as if he needed a reminder that his only daughter was dead before she even got to live a proper life. That reality was something that never left his mind, a nagging feeling that haunted him every single day. Meds or not, it was hard, but without seeing Harper daily, Crockett began to feel like he would forget her.

“Sarah, I need to see her.”

“I can’t do that, you know how unsafe it can be to take you off such a high dosage. I know you are upset but we can talk through this, okay?”

“No!” he was getting frustrated, even though he hated to yell at Sarah. She didn’t understand how important this was. He didn’t care if she was dead and she claimed the delusions weren’t real, he just wanted his daughter back. Even if it wasn’t the proper reality, maybe Crockett didn’t want to live in one without Harper. He told Sarah that much, upset that she would claim that she isn’t there anymore. She is always there; sitting on his bed and playing with her stuffed bunny, singing songs from those Disney shows she adored so much. Crockett saw her, held her close when the bad feelings returned and he felt like he was drowning. His baby would never leave him, she couldn't; Harper was all he had left.

“Hey,” Sarah spoke quickly when she recognized his agitation, “I’m sorry. Tell Harper I didn’t mean any harm, next time she’s around, okay? Can we start over, please?”

He frowned, knowing what she was doing, but nodded all the same. He didn’t want to fight with Sarah, she was one of the only staff members around here that he properly trusted. She didn’t want to upset him and she didn’t want to take his daughter away, it was just hard to recognize that sometimes. She wanted to help, to understand his mind, and maybe it was time for Crockett to let someone in again. It had been far too long.

“Start from the beginning,” she prompted as he slowly relaxed again, “How long ago did this low start?”

#q #I wrote this in record time after having a whole mental break down today <3 #can you tell I’m not okay #goodbye friends i am gone #crockett marcel #harper marcel #sarah reese #maggie lockwood #april sexton #asks #anon #userglow #fractured reality #psych!au #my aus #cj add this to your fic masterpost

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eloarei · 3 years

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A little rambling: on grief; and grieving a dog, a cat, an unborn child, and pieces of me that got hurt along the way.

2300 words under the cut.

It’s a very gloomy day today. I don’t usually mind; I like rain. But on a bad day, or a bad week, it only seems to insulate me in my own dark thoughts. That’s what today seems to be. I’ll work on fixing it later-- getting some exercise, sunlight if the clouds clear, making some tea. Should’ve done that already, but I forgot. Ate half a banana, at least.

As I’ve complained about a few times lately, I’ve just not been doing especially well. When and why did it all start? It’s hard to say, but this ‘unwellness’ spell seems most potent starting April 11th (my anniversary, unfortunately, which is why I can remember it), when I came down with a gruesome stomach bug. Really haven’t been feeling right since. I’m really bad about being sick; it scares me and I handle it badly. I assume that’s part of what has messed me up.

But grief is the other part, I think. Grief, and my being scared and worried that what caused it could strike again at any minute. Look, I’m... 32 now, and I’m sure that most people by this age have experienced profound loss. I’m probably not unusual, and I’m certainly not alone, but I think all the loss I’ve experienced is just piling up on me now, like there wasn’t enough time to process the new fresh ones before newer fresher ones came on, and so now even the old tough scars are aching.

When I was a teenager, my parents died. They were old, and it was health problems. It was not a surprise, but that didn’t make it easier to deal with in freshman year of high school. (What made it easier to deal with? Rabidly cleaning out the fridge and watching Lord of the Rings tapes the neighbors lent me. That’s all I did for three days after my mom died.) It’s been a long time-- more than half my life ago-- and I do feel like I’m ‘over it’, but sometimes it just wells up, tears from nowhere. Maybe that’s just how grief is.

A certainly had a good decade of my 20′s. I got married at 19, and had a pretty uneventful set of years. That felt normal to me. I do think, though, that the loss of my parents haunted me in that time, quietly. It influenced everything I did; it probably still does, if only because it changed the person I have become. But other than that, things were good, I think. My dog Roxy died two years ago, when I was 30, not long after I got back from seeing my siblings for the first time in ages. She was violently ill, and died right in front of us as we were getting ready to take her to the vet. I think I’ve written about it. In fact, the next day I wrote a depressing fanfic piece, certainly as a coping mechanism. (It made people cry, so, mission accomplished, I guess.) I think that helped a lot. A few months later, my in-laws’ dog died too, while mom-in-law was on vacation, and that was rough as well. I wrote another sad fanfic about death. I really like both of these pieces, because they mean something, and they’re very raw. Furthermore, I’ll always have them, as tokens for Roxy, Ginger, and the little pieces of me they crushed when they died. I don’t know if the exchange is worth it, but it’s what I have.

My grief over Roxy was gentle, as time went on. It didn’t bother me. I think I’d processed it well. I’d written out my feelings. I held her body in numb arms as my husband dug her grave. It was okay.

In early 2020, basically on my 31st birthday (and right as Covid was happening), I found I was pregnant. Long story short, those were the densest two months of my life, where everything seemed to change so quickly. My thoughts and feelings could fill so very many pages; this is not the place I’ll leave them. The point of this particular story is that it didn’t work out. The baby ‘died’ not terribly unlike Roxy had-- violently ill, in front of me, with far too much blood. I passed out three times-- the real start of this current fearful nature, because I cannot overstate how very much I felt like I was going to die. I went to the ER; it was miserable, an ordeal I could say quite a lot about. I won’t, though. I have before, and I likely will again, elsewhere.

This... This grief... I think I still don’t know what to do with it. I don’t think I ever will. Months later, I started writing a fic to deal with my feelings, though it took 90k words and many months before I got to the part where I could really delve into my trauma. And it has helped, I’m sure. I’m really sure. And I care about this fic so much, because like the others it is raw and real and it’s something I’d never have if not for my experience. Again, it may not be a fair trade, but it’s what I have.

I don’t grieve for the baby. It didn’t make it far enough to even have a heartbeat. It doesn’t have a name, a gender. It doesn’t have a grave. We let the hospital take care of it. But I still grieve. I’m sad. Wrecked. I grieve what it could have been. I grieve the hope that was spent and lost on it, a precious resource that will take a long time to grow back, if ever. I grieve over not only my own disappointment, but my husband’s, and my in-laws. They’ve never pressured us to have kids, but they’re in their 60′s now, with no grandchildren. I think they feel... lacking, in a way. I understand. I feel the same (though different). I wanted to give them that. I wanted to have that.

I still....?

I can’t say. I don’t know what I want. The event complicated my already complex emotions. I’m still waiting for them to simplify. Maybe they will, or maybe they won’t.

I was alright for a while. Stressed enough because of Covid and family’s declining health. Then in early April 2021, just a year after the miscarriage, I got badly sick. Gross, but not what most people would call a real issue. But only a year after the miscarriage, when my body betrayed me and I was at its horrid mercy, this felt like too much. Again I felt like I was going to die. A week of near delirious fever and nausea; I’d have handled it badly enough in any other circumstance.

As expected, I got through it. A horrible week, but just a week (or so). And then my dog Tobi died, just days later.

This is it. This is the one I... I’m speechless about. The one I... maybe haven’t processed enough. I was just back from the edge of being badly, violently ill. I didn’t have the energy to write, physically or emotionally. And that just made it worse. I love writing. It’s my outlet (surprising, I’m sure). I wanted to write. I thought I ought to write. I needed to write. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t muster the words. I still... can’t.

Tobi was... my baby. Not literally, of course. I didn’t conflate him with my lost child or anything. Tobi was 14. I’d had him since I graduated high school and got an apartment. Adopting him was one of the first things my husband and I did as an established adult couple, before we were even married. He was there, at my wedding. The photographer took a cute picture of me holding him before the ceremony. He was 11 months old at the time. Still had all his brown spots before they turned tan, then later white. He was there; he was always there. He was my entire adult life. And now I’ve lost him, the pup I had longer than my marriage (though soon we will outlast him). He was the big brother to all my other pets. He practically raised all the cats, and they adored him. (Tobi was a chihuahua, so they might have thought he was just another cat.)

He was a sweet boy, who loved his mom and dad first and foremost. When he was little, he was scared of everyone else. Eventually he warmed up to strangers and friends, and in his old age he mostly liked to nap somewhere on his own. He was silly and playful; he always chased the cats when they wanted to be chased. It was a game they all loved.

The vet... well, we took him in when he started to cough badly. He’d had a cough for a few months, but it wasn’t constant and didn’t seem to be affecting his quality of life much. But that day it was bad, so we took him. (We can’t afford frequent vet visits, so this was clearly desperate.) The vet took him and put him on oxygen. We had to stay in the car because they weren’t open for human guests. Then she came and told us a scan had revealed cancer, marbled through his lungs. He was suffocating. In fact, he wouldn’t likely even make it home, not even the two mile drive. We had to put him down. My husband and I cried like babies. We’d never put an animal down before. Generally speaking, we don’t really ‘believe in it’, if that makes sense. But faced with this situation, we had no choice.

I didn’t see him again. I think that’s the worst part, though it would have been equally bad to see him, I think. And it was all so sudden. He was playing and chasing the cats the day before. Begging for treats of human food. Barking at the Roomba. And then I had to pay hundreds of dollars to say goodbye to him. It felt so unfair. I cried all day. My husband and I, we just went home and laid down and wept.

But I still haven’t written about it, not in the way that I wrote about the others. For all that I wrote here, it doesn’t begin to encompass my deeper feelings on what it means that he is gone, and how I felt to have to make that decision. I have ideas. I think I know what I would write, if I could, but writing... still mostly eludes me. I may try. I probably should.

I take a deep breath. I know I should sum this up and take care of myself, but there’s yet a little more to say.

I think Tobi’s death is a large part of what affects me still, but several weeks ago I had what I could only call a panic attack. In the middle of the night I awoke, my heart beating rapidly, a horrible feeling of dread like certainty that all I could possibly do was die. It took over two days for me to feel mostly normal again, and then I still felt vaguely nauseous for two weeks. Then, just a few days ago, it happened again, but this time before bed. I could feel it rising in me, this indescribable sickness. It took several days ago before I felt normal. And this is where I am now.

Sadly, a little while after the first panic attack, my husband and I failed to save a malnourished feral kitten. It was not a surprise, but yet one more reminder of the fragility of life, and how little I can do to keep death away from those I care about. This poor thing, it was so desperate to live, but nothing we could do could save it. I could have poured all my time into trying, could have scrounged up money to take it to the vet (when I should take my own cats, who all have colds), but I know better. I know... so much of the time, there’s nothing you can do. And now I’m trying to help what might be its siblings, a few cute feral kittens nearby. My favorite seems... a little lethargic, and not very interested in eating the wet food and meat scraps I sometimes bring by. I don’t think there’s anything I can do, if it ends up being sick, if it ends up being malnourished. I can’t bring it inside when it could infect my own cats. I have to care for them first.

But knowing that it could die... it bothers me.

And knowing that I could die. I could die. I’m too aware of that, on top of everything else. I hate doctors, so I never go. (Also I’m poor.) This toothache? Could be a terrible abscess. My brother went to the ER for sepsis from an abscess tooth recently! That’s probably what caused the panic, to be honest. But then... why have I felt so week? Is there a problem with my blood? Am I sicker than I know? Do I have breast cancer? My grandma did, and I know I should get it checked out, but it’s just ONE MORE THING. It’s always like that.

And that’s... how I feel right now. Covered in ‘one more thing’s on rainy days and night-work schedules. Trying to take care of myself but not always knowing what that means. Lacking the inspiration to do the things I know I enjoy, because worry and apathy holds me back from everything.

I’m okay. Really. No day of mine is ever entirely without merit, and I have plans to do most of the things that should keep me healthy. But the day is short when my needs and long, and the day is long when I’m paralyzed by apathy.

So. I’ll just take it a moment at a time. And when I can, I’ll try to keep writing.

#elo talks #long post #personal but ok to interact

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megbox · 3 years

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2020 Year in Review

Previous Posts: (2019) (2018) (2017) (2016) (2015) (2014) (2013) (2012) (2011)

2020 is a weird year because as the world goes through something collectively extremely traumatic and that is radically changing the structure of our lives, our workplaces, the way we connect socially, our mental health… our response to disease…. SO MUCH ABOUT THE WORLD…. And yet the day-to-day of living in a pandemic is so… mundane. I am privileged enough to have that opinion. I have stayed securely employed and it is privilege for my main reaction to something as intense as this pandemic to be boredom. But really, 2020 was a year of absences. It was a year spent largely alone, in my own company. It was a year that forced me to rest. It was a year that made me feel so terribly lonely but also forced me to get acquainted with myself and enjoy my own company in a new way. And it was a year of running.

I would also like to thank Connor for making this post happen by reminding me to do it and not to break tradition.

January & February

I am combining these months because they were not altogether all that memorable. My resolutions, as I noted on Twitter on January 2, were to 1) Keep running and 2) Learn how to make fresh pasta dough. I can safely say – mission accomplished on both fronts.

On January 14, I had the privilege of presenting a suicide intervention lecture to students at the medical school where my brother goes. By that time, I’d done a million of these presentations so nerves aren’t really a factor (imagine that! Me, no longer remotely afraid of public speaking…), but this one meant a little extra to me. My brother is so highly accomplished, and I am so proud of him, and I enjoyed having an opportunity to show him what I do and make him proud of me. I wore my favourite dress and did my hair all nice and he described it later as “exceptional.” It was a really, really good feeling. The first weekend of February, Ali and I had planned to go to Jasper. We wanted to go for a hike or two, and get super stoned and go to the planetarium. A huge blizzard hit Alberta just before we were supposed to leave, so we ended up having a staycation here in Calgary. We rented a hotel room, went swimming, drank wine, went to Japanese Village, had drinks in the lounge and then later to a punk rock band roulette night at the Palomino and finally crawled into our giant hotel bed and fell asleep to Remember the Titans… of all movies. It was the kind of night where you simultaneously feel 18 and 35 years old.

March

March was when the pandemic really started to become real. I don’t know exactly why, but I did not take the threat of coronavirus very seriously until the last minute. My coworkers would whisper about it in the hallways and I just rolled my eyes. But then, people started deciding they would work from home, the number of us in the office dwindled. The vibe was bad. Nobody could really focus. They held meetings at 8am and 4pm every day just for COVID-19 updates and we all waited with bated breath for them to finally tell us to go home and not come back. I really feel like I didn’t acknowledge the true implications of this virus until we got the official work from home order, and I had to tell my boss, my laptop at home is too old to run this software, I need a work tablet. My first official work from home day was March 23, 2020. I don’t remember much about that time except that the general sense of panic and anxiety made my job a lot busier, and it is hard to do a job like mine from home because it is hard to counsel or reassure clients through anxieties that are hitting you just as hard. I coped with wine, a lot of running, and listening to Ben Gibbard’s afternoon live streams where he would play acoustic versions of Death Cab songs and other covers. He played New Slang by the Shins one night and I burst into tears. I also coped with teaching myself how to make fresh pasta dough, and enjoying what was, at that point in the pandemic, the novelty and fun of Zoom.

April

In the absence of being able to have a party for my birthday, I decided to be obnoxious and do a “challenge” on my Instagram story. I asked my friends to record a distance run and/or walked and send it to me as a birthday present. My actual birthday ended up being a cold and windy and pretty miserable day. I ran 12km myself, came back home and watched both Magic Mike and Magic Mike XXL, and then went to my parents’ to celebrate both Scott and I’s birthdays with our family. My friends dropped off presents to my door and drove past my house and honked and I felt very loved and appreciated. I drank a lot of Prosecco with my brother and we listened to Kacey Musgraves.

It was also in April that I become “acquainted” with my neighborhood running nemesis. I put acquainted in apostrophes because I have never actually spoken to him. On one fateful run in April, I happened to catch up to him on my regular route. This was at the height of the COVID fear and so, while I would usually just pass someone on the sidewalk, I went out into the street. He saw me out of the corner of his eye and SPED UP. WHICH IS SUCH BAD RUNNER ETIQUETTE LIKE DUDE I’M IN THE ROAD LET ME PASS YOU. And then we ended up in this like, all-out 100m-finals-at-the-motherfucking-Olympics sprint challenge when all I was trying to do was go for a leisurely training run. And then I finally passed him, turned a corner and had to like collapse on to my hands and knees to catch my breath. Since then, I see this man running all the time. Sometimes while I am also running, sometimes from my car when I am driving through my neighborhood. He’s like… 16. And we are very competitive with one another. I hope to one day actually say hello to him. I both hate that guy and have to thank him for the motivation.

I ran my first half marathon on April 13, 2020. I was very hungover because I had stayed up quite late with someone on Zoom the night before on a virtual “first date” that had gone much better than anticipated. I don’t know why but I woke up the next morning in such a good mood that I decided I would go for a long, slow run. I got to 18km and figured, what’s 3.1 more? And so, I did it. The first thing I did upon finishing was call my mom. The second thing I did was contemplate calling an Uber to drive me the 2km left to my house. The other notable thing in April is that Maddy moved back from Australia, begrudgingly and a LOT earlier than planned, because of COVID.

May

May was kind of a blur. It was the first month of the Great Virtual Race Across Tennessee, which I signed up for while coming off of the high of actually running a half marathon all by myself. The GVRAT was fucking awesome. It was created by Lazarus Lake, of Barkley Marathons fame. The ask is to run 1022.68km between May 1 and August 31, an average of about 8.3km per day. Well, you could run, walk, or hike. This is the actual distance it would take you to cover the state of Tennessee. Myself and about 20,000 other weirdos from around the world signed up for this challenge. I figured I would never get a chance to run in a Lazarus Lake race for real, and being home all the time opened up a lot more opportunity for training. It was one of the very best things I did for myself in 2020. So May involved a lot of running, because I was fresh and naïve and fully intended to be ahead of the curve. I was running about 10-12 per day, sometimes more, and not taking any rest days.

In between these runs, I spent a lot of time going on long, ambling quarantine walks with Maddy. We would either go for a long walk or she would come over and we would get absolutely hammered in my backyard playing beer pong just to pass the time. We would send snapchats to our exes and make TikToks like 18 year olds. I know we never really said it out loud but having eachother during this time made these months bearable. We were lamenting the loss of a summer, and Maddy’s time in Australia, and all of the expectations we had for ourselves. We were watching our friends in relationships move in together or get closer due to the quarantine. We needed companionship, and stupid things to laugh about, and love, and distraction. And I can genuinely say I would not have gotten through this quarantine period if it weren’t for the nights I spent shooting Pink Whitney and dancing to Party in the USA in my living room with her.

May 13th was my one year anniversary of working at the university. It felt good to have accomplished so many things in that time, and have moved up already in my job, and to have a full-time, permanent contract.

And May 16th was when I ran my second half-marathon as part of a virtual challenge put on by a friend of a friend. My parents came and sat in lawn chairs in the park while I did loops. They cheered me on and filled my water bottle for me when I ran out. They’re my number one supporters and I love having a family that does that kind of shit for me in the face of something arbitrary like a virtual half marathon challenge. I knocked 7 minutes (!) off my original time. Amazing what not being hungover can do for your fitness levels.

June

I don’t remember many important things about June, other than Maddy moving to Banff. It was depressing but I was also happy for her and happy to have an excuse to go out there and visit. I went the very first weekend after she moved. Halfway through June I seriously contemplated quitting the GVRAT. My shins were bruised, I was dreading every single run, and I could not fathom doing it for 2.5 more months. I was dragging behind in the standings and losing my motivation.

I spent a lot of time with friends reading in parks. Sometimes, often, with wine. I met a stranger in Canmore Park and ended up kissing him. He was lovely.

Ali and I had one really good day in June where we went to the Farmer’s Market and then came back to her place and watched Ru Paul’s drag race for like eight straight hours. It was one of those days where we hadn’t seen each other in so long and you just feel totally high off of friendship and absolutely everything is funny and you just can’t stop laughing. I vividly remember it as one of the best days of the year.

July

Again, July kind of passed in a blur. I did a lot of hiking, and a lot of running… keeping up with the GVRAT. I hiked Picklejar Lakes, Castle Mountain, Little Beehive Lookout.

I went to Banff for a weekend to hang out with Maddy. We had a predictably wild weekend with her roommates and friends. We had dinner at Chili’s (hell yeah) and then went to High Rollers for beers and bowling. The “thing to do” at that point for all of these Banff people was to meet at the “rec grounds” aka public firepits and drink. The police would generally leave you alone so long as you weren’t being rowdy. I sat next to an Australian named Josh at a picnic table and later took him back to my hotel room and he gave me the world’s most unbelievable obvious hickey. Maddy and I sweat out the tequila shots the next day with a long ass hike, and then had a nap before her brother came and took us climbing at the Sunshine slabs – an activity I was not very good at but I wanted to be good at. It was the kind of weekend where you feel like, okay, I definitely indulged my wild side. And you drive home just like totally exhausted but smiling. I sent Maddy’s brother a voice note on my way into town thanking him for taking us climbing and saying it was nice to see him.

August

Okay – August was actually really eventful. Like most of the year’s events happened in August, honestly. A lot of running and hiking. I did Ha Ling Peak for the first time, and we did a 30km hike to Aylmer Pass one day that was a fricken GRIND. I spent the long weekend in Saskatchewan. We went to a cidery, and I ran laps around my Dodo’s acreage, and then we got to visit Wakaw Lake and reunite with our old next-door neighbours. We took the boat out and went tubing and lit fireworks and had an amazing dinner and honestly it was like reliving my childhood in the best, best, best way. I fell asleep on the car ride home.

I went camping with Ali in Sylvan Lake. We got ice cream and cooked fish tacos over the campfire. She told me that Cody had a date planned for the day they took possession of their house, that she wondered if he might ask her to marry him but didn’t want to get her hopes up in case it didn’t happen and ruin what otherwise was supposed to be a celebratory day. Spoiler – he did ask her to marry him  I was running when she called me. I was listening to Epsilon by Kygo, and now when I hear that song I always think of them. I stopped my watch and just openly bawled on the street out of happiness for them.

Steven successfully defended his master’s thesis. We went camping in Waterton to celebrate with Matt, Kennedy, Regan, Scott, and Rie. They brought cake. We did a sunrise hike. I slept in the back of my Ford Escape.

On August 27, Ollie passed away. It was both expected and unexpected. He had been having some issues with seizures. The vet didn’t think it was anything to be too concerned about, he was old and it wasn’t uncommon for them to happen. It happened suddenly. I had a terrible sleep that night, and woke up in a cold sweat somewhere between 3 and 4 am. In the morning, my mom called me and told me the news. He had a giant seizure in the night and was crying and yelping. They woke up and took him to the emergency vet, they made the executive call to put him down to prevent any further suffering. He died right around the time I woke up in the middle of the night. I like to think that was his way of saying goodbye, maybe. I cried all day. Well, let’s be honest, I cried all week. I burst into tears at the mere thought of him. He was such a good and lovely dog. He was so loved by us. He had a good life. It is always sad when we lose pets so early. They bring so much joy to our lives, and still when I go to my parents’ place the first thing I want to do is call for him or pet him. I hope he is running around in whatever the pet afterlife is. I miss him.

And on August 31, I ran my last kilometre of the GVRAT. I finished with 733.78 run, 83.18 hiked, and 205.09 walked.

September

September was a nice break from running. I got to start coming to campus one day a week, on Thursdays, which was good for my mental health and work productivity. I got to spend September long in Vernon with Maeghan and Madison at Michael’s family’s cabin. They took us boating and made us meals and didn’t judge us for drinking margaritas with Michael’s sister literally all day. It was the best. It was the epitome of every summer weekend you dream about. I was so happy I got to go.

I met a boy in September. It’s always September, isn’t it? It feels weird to write about him. Like, that makes him significant. But. He is significant. And I met him in September. And it was unexpected. Last minute. And essentially not a day has gone by since that day in September that I have not thought about him.

I also joined a Calgary Sport and Social Club team with my friends for softball and it started in September. We played two games and then I tore my hamstring running from second to third base. I tore… my hamstring…. Running like 30 metres…. After a summer of literally running 10+ km every day. I… it was the worst day ever. Softball itself was amazing and so fun even though I really do suck at the sport but highly recommend Rec League C-level beer league softball with all of your best friends. There’s just no way that isn’t fun.

October

A lot of pouting about my hamstring, I went to two physio sessions and then decided to just start running again. I’m bad. I’m a bad example. Don’t do what I do… but also…. It worked.

I went to Victoria to visit Sydney over the Thanksgiving weekend. We went to a Thanskgiving potluck party at my old coworker’s place. It was a nice experience to be the new people at a party, to have a room full of new people to meet and who ask you questions about your life. We got really drunk and they tried setting Sydney up with one of their roommate’s brothers, and gave us lipstick to try, and poured us tequila shots. We had such an amazing meal. It was honestly so fun. We laughed in the cab the whole way back about how we were going to need to debrief that evening HARD the next morning. We watched a lot of All Gas No Brakes, and went for dinner and brunch and I limped up Mount Doug with my hamstring. It was a very very chill weekend, like we spent a lot of time just lounging at Sydney’s apartment and doing nothing. Because that is the kind of friends we are. It was so relaxing and lovely. I was sad to leave.

Karla, my roommate, left for New York at the end of October. Her aunt was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, and she and her mom made the executive move to go there to basically be with her for the end of her life. She wasn’t going to be back until December. I was happy, because it’s nice to have a place to myself, but also sad because Karla is lovely and I knew it was going to be a stressful situation for her.

November / December

I am combining these two months because they have also been largely uneventful. In fact… I don’t know if I could really tell you anything significant that happened. We’ve been in a lockdown. I’ve spent my time playing piano, watching Netflix, listening to podcasts, basically doing all of the things I usually do when I’m bored. Lots of Among Us. Lots of outdoor things… skating… more running. We’ve been in a lockdown since early December. Time has dragged on since then. I spent Christmas with my parents. Scott and Rie stayed isolated, because Scott is in and out of the hospital for school. My mom and I watched shitty Christmas Hallmark movies and made fun of the guys who star in them. We drank a LOT on Christmas Eve and both spent Christmas with a wicked hangover. My dad and I ate edibles and I was launched into the stratosphere. I spent New Year’s Eve with Boy from September. We played beer pong, and card games, and he tried to use a coat hangover to pick the lock on the mysterious room that my landlord keeps locked. We spent most of the night kissing, honestly. I was happy to spend the last moments of the year with him.

2021:

Honestly... at this point... who really knows?

#year in review #text #personal #2020

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letters-to-alex · 3 years

Text

October 25, 2020

Dear Alex,

I want to start this out by telling you I hope you’ve been doing at the very least, okay, or preferably, great lately. You deserve health and happiness in the world and I hope you’ve found at least a little bit of it.

I found you back in mid 2018-ish when I first made this page. You were one of the first accounts I followed and pretty much the only account I followed closely.

I think it’s extremely kind of you, to do this, you know. To run an account and let people come and speak to you. It’s nice and much appreciated. You’re appreciated.

I came so close to submitting something many times before, but always backed out. Though, I’m gaining courage slowly, so I’m going to do it now.

I was in a relationship for four years… ended back in April, two weeks before what would’ve been our four year anniversary. They (T) cheated on me and left me for the new person and I was heartbroken… but, I threw myself into someone else because I felt they didn’t deserve my sadness if they were the one causing it, you know?

But… I wasn’t sad over losing them, just sad over losing the companionship. I didn’t love them as much as I should have and I knew they didn’t love me as much, if at all. It was a slow burn of death of a relationship and ended with a bitter taste, but sometimes that is life.

The thing is, after that, my first thought was to run back to my first love. She was a rock, an anchor, a constant. Whatever your choice of word may be for it does not matter, they all mean the same to me. The point is, she kept me safe and steady in a world that always seemed to falter at the slightest movement.

Now, the issue with that is, as soon as my ex broke up with me, I wanted to turn to my first love (J) and seek comfort from her. We’d been the best of friends for years before and after we dated. I just wanted my best friend back.

Around the beginning of August, the girl I had been flirting with/talking to (A) and I started calling everything off, but we were both too scared to do it for good.

August 11th, I finally caved in and messaged J. Nothing too deep or pivotal. Just a simple, “Hey… I hope you’re doing okay.” It felt like I was screaming into the void– we hadn’t talked in two and a half years at that point because of T being racist and insensitive and J blocking the both of us because she was extremely uncomfortable. I wasn’t expecting any form of response, and frankly was expecting to be blocked on that social media as well.

A and I finally called everything off for good very late on Saturday, August 29th. Not even twelve full hours after everything ended, J messaged me back.

That was the first “coincidence” with J. The second was after we broke up, I used the day of the month we’d gotten together in everything: passwords, codes, usernames, emails, everything. Little did I know that she was doing the same thing. The third coincidence was when I found out that my roommate’s spouse so happened to be deployed in the same country that J lives in. I didn’t find that out until two weeks after J and I started talking again.

Now, things with J are so, so confusing. I need to focus on myself and get better, but I want her by my side when I do it, you know? Moreso than literally anyone else and not in a platonic way either, but I’m not sure how she’s feeling about everything. Even though it seems very much that she’s feeling at least something…? I’m not entirely sure about anything anymore and just wanted to express all of this.

Thank you for listening– a response isn’t necessary, but it’s most welcomed.

Thank you for this, again and I hope you’re doing all right! :)

Love, S.

#submission #Letters to Alex #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #heartache #i miss you #i love you #lgbt #lesbian #gay #gay love #lesbian love #palepinksky

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godofplumsandthunder · 4 years

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Worthless - Bucky Barnes Oneshot

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Latina/Hispanic Reader

Warnings: None

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: This was written for @buckysmischief writing challenge. Some how, my dumbass thought the deadline was April 27, how I got the date, no idea 😂 The real date is today, so here it is. My prompt was the song “Without Me” by Halsey.

Today was a special day. You woke up feeling like a giddy teenager. Today wasn’t any normal day, it was your 1st anniversary with Bucky. The days leading up to your anniversary, you weren’t sure if Bucky would even be here for it. So when you checked the rota last night you were ecstatic to see that Bucky wasn’t on call for any missions. So unless some aliens decide to invade earth, you had Bucky all to yourself today.

You roll over in bed, trying to find the furnace that is your boyfriend, and much to your disappointment, you find a cold, empty side of the bed. He’s probably been up for a while, you thought. It’s not like he had a nightmare, you would’ve heard him. Without the cuddles from Bucky, you don’t have any motivation to stay in bed. You stretch and get out of bed to take a quick shower and change into some loungewear. You didn’t have to report to your job for a few more hours, so it didn’t make sense to get ready so early. You decide to find your boyfriend, which if you were to guess where he’s at, you’d say the kitchen, where he spends most of his free time.

As you make your way to the common kitchen, you couldn’t help but think about Bucky’s strange behavior. You didn’t consider yourself a spoiled brat or a princess, but you thought that Bucky would’ve at least given you a morning surprise. “Did he forget your anniversary?” You thought, but there was no way that he could forget, right? You try to push these thoughts away, as you make your way to the kitchen. And, no surprise to you, you find your boyfriend at the table eating his breakfast. You make your way over to him and take the seat next to him.

“Morning baby,” Bucky greets you while kissing you. You could taste the cream and sugar from his coffee on him. Despite the brooding, dark, and mysterious persona Bucky tries to portray, he is a sucker for anything sweet: especially when it comes to his coffee. It’s one of his many quirks that you love.

“Morning Buck, have any plans for your day off?” You ask Bucky, hoping to see if he has any plans for you later in the day.

“Not really. I’m just happy I have a day where I can relax and decompress. I might go out with Sam later in the evening,” Bucky replies plainly. “He has something planned for tonight,” you think. This whole “going out with Sam” thing is just a clever ruse to cover the fact that he’s taking you out for the night.

“That’s good. It’s always good to just take a day and relax,” You respond to him, without any emotion, sipping your coffee, not giving away the fact that you had uncovered his plans for this evening.

Bucky offers to cook you some breakfast before your shift starts. You try to make a decent dent in the tower of pancakes that Bucky made for you, but after only managing 2, Bucky dutifully took the rest of the pancakes for him to finish. You spend as much time together as you can before you had to leave and get ready for your shift at the medical center, in the tower.

Luckily for you, your work at the medical center kept your mind busy. Being one of Dr. Cho’s medical assistants’ certainty kept you busy. That’s what you loved about this job because unlike the normal doctor’s offices, you were practicing medicine alongside Dr. Cho. She didn’t treat as some glorified secretary. Plus you quickly became best of friends with two of the other medical assistants, Esmeralda and Sara. When your shift would get rough, those two would always be there to brighten you up. And they were thereafter your shifts too. Going to bars and exploring the city. It felt good to have real friends here, and not have to pretend to get along with your co-workers.

Your shift today was going pretty uneventful until Dr. Cho pulled you in to assist her in treating a SHIELD agent. He had a pretty nasty encounter with some HYDRA agents and was left for dead. But luckily his teammates were able to rescue him and send him to the Med center. If it wasn’t for the gravity of the situation you would have joked that he looked like a piece of Swiss cheese, with how many bullets he had. But you knew that this was a life or death situation you were dealing with. It wasn’t the time or the place for silly little jokes.

After many hours of work, a few bags of blood, and countless stitches, you and Dr. Cho were able to save this young SHIELD agent. There would be side effects and repercussions from his injuries, but at least he was alive. You make your way back to the nurse’s station, clearly shocked and exhausted. That’s when Esmeralda pulls you away.

“Mija, you are taking your break right now! Look how tired you are! You have to be well-rested for Bucky tonight,” She orders you as she makes her way to the break room, with you on her arm.

“I don’t know if I’m going to make it through tonight, Esme. That was a pretty hard case. I just hope where ever Bucky is taking me tonight has lots of alcohol.”

“Where is Bucky taking you, Y/N? You know I want all the chisme,”

“I don’t know where he is taking me, Esme. It’s a surprise!”

“Well then, I expect to receive some hot tea tomorrow than,” Esmeralda jokes with you as she leaves you in the break room to get some much-needed rest.

Thankfully, the rest of your shift doesn’t have any big emergencies. Just the usual cuts and bruises. You clock out, say goodbye to Esmeralda and Sara, and head your way back to your room. Ready to have a nice night with Bucky.

========

You lay on your bed, in your blood-stained scrubs, waiting for Bucky. You didn’t want to change until you know where you were going. You were exhausted and desperately in need a big glass of white wine. You are starting to slip out of consciousness when you hear the door open.

“Tough day at work, baby girl?” Bucky, seeing your blood-stained scrubs, asks as he gets into bed next to you.

“Yeah, it was. But thankfully, and luckily, the patient was able to pull through. I’ve just never seen anybody with that many bullets before. 32 bullets, Buck, he had 32 bullets in him. It’s a miracle that he survived, if you ask me,” you cuddle Bucky as you recount your day to him. You stay cuddled for a little while until Bucky, much to your groans of protest, get out of bed.

“I just came up here to grab my keys and wallet. I can’t keep Sam waiting too long.” He tells you. Amid all the drama at work today, you forgot about his plans with Sam. Turns out it wasn’t a distraction or ploy. As Bucky starts heading towards the door, you call out to him.

“Are you sure you haven’t forgotten anything, Buck?”

“Nope, I have my phone, keys, and wallet. I should be good. I’ll make sure to call if anything happens, Y/N. Now I really got to go.” And with that, Bucky plants a quick kiss to your forehead and hurriedly speeds out through the front door.

Left in a state of shock, you yell your heart out, “Asshole! That asshole forgot our anniversary!” You melt into a state of anger, hurt, and sadness. You don’t want to be alone right now, with so much pain and emptiness, so you decide to text your two closest friends.

You: Esme, Sara, I know it’s late to ask, but do you guys have anything going on right now? I could really use you guys.

Both Esmeralda and Sara answer almost immediately.

Sara: Of course, where do you want us to meet you and do you need us to bring wine?

Esme: I’m free too, but shouldn’t you be having other plans tonight??

You: I should, but I’m not. And yes, Sara. Bring a lot of wine.

You sit, brooding in the dark as you wait for your friends to come. And, you can’t wait to drink your problem away.

===========

“He did what?” Sara still couldn’t believe that Bucky would do something like forgetting your anniversary. For her, it just seemed to out of character. Esme, on the other hand, was ready to pounce.

“Pero, que hijo de puta! Where’s his ass at? If he thinks he can fuck with my friend, he has another thing coming. Please, Y/N, let me beat his ass! Just give me five minutes.”

“Esme, he’s not worth it. And don’t call him a hijo de puta, it’s offensive to the puta.” You sigh, as you take another sip from your wine glass. You love your two friends equally, but you couldn’t help but laugh at how different they are. Sara is the quiet friend, who will just sit with you and let you vent for hours if you need to. Then you have Esme, who would burn down Bucky’s apartment and bike if you asked her. They’re both idiots, but they’re your idiots, and you love them with all of your heart. They sit with you watching cheesy romcoms while eating too much ice cream, and drinking WAY too much wine. After a few movies, you send Sara and Esme home, not wanting to waste more of their time, even though they said that you weren’t wasting their time. It took many promises of texting them if you needed something and checking in with them to get them to leave. Hearing the click of the door behind your two friends, you grab the newly opened bottle of wine and head to the coach, to wait for Bucky. “Wouldn’t want the wine to go to waste,” you thought as you got comfortable on the love seat.

===========

It was 11:52 p.m. when Bucky finally decide to come home. Exactly 5 hours and 32 minutes since Bucky last talked to you, when he let you know that he was abandoning you on your anniversary, to go to some sleazy bar with Sam. But, who was counting? For you, its been 5 hours and 32 minutes and 2 and ½ bottles of wine since you saw the asshole Bucky. You don’t know if it was the alcohol or your nerves speaking, but you gave Bucky a piece of your mind.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t the prodigal son himself. Finally back home, after 5 hours and 32 minutes away, that is if my calculations are correct.”

“Baby, what are you talking about?”

“Don’t baby me. I’m not in the mood for that. But I guess I should be the one asking you the questions. Asking about your "night out” with Sam. And by the smell of you, I’d wager that you went to one of those sleazy bars, right?“ You ask Bucky with such poison in your voice. Such toxicity. One that surprised both Bucky and yourself. Bucky didn’t know that you had so much bitterness in you. He didn’t know what he did wrong, but he knew he fucked up.

"Y/N, I-” Bucky tried to say something but you cut him off.

“No! You don’t get to speak. You are to listen. Got it?” you bark out to him, waiting for his confirmation that he understands his role. Bucky doesn’t dare to say anything, so he just nods his head, showing that he understands his role.

“You know, when we first started dating, my family and friends told me to not get involved with you. They told me to run while I still had the chance to. They told me that you were so fucked up in the brain. That you couldn’t be fixed. And do you know what I told them? I told them that it wasn’t true. That sure, you did have some problems, but that would make sense after decades of torture. But that we would work through our problems together, as a couple. And oh, God knows that I’ve put up with a lot of YOUR shit,” you viscously say while pouring yourself another glass of wine.

“I had to help you with a lot of shit. First with your nightmares. You’d wake up in the middle of the night, thrashing and yelling which would wake me up. After I got you to calm down, you made me sleep on the couch. The fucking couch! But I helped you with that. But that wasn’t your only problem, because God knows that you have a ton of them. It took you 3 months into our relationship before you were able to take me on a real date, in the city. Not one in the compound, but in the city with other people. 3 months! If that were to happen with any other guy, I’d have dumped his ass a long while ago. But, you were different. Your reasoning was different than any other man alive, and I respected that, and I worked through that with you. Are you starting to see a pattern here, Buck? You have a problem, and I help you fix it. What would you be without me? A hermit with severe PTSD! That’s what you would be!” You fill your glass again with more wine, you should probably stop with the wine, but you didn’t because it felt good drinking your problems away. It felt really good.

“Do you know what day it is, Bucky?” You ask out of the blue, your tone returning back to normal.

“What?” Bucky’s confused now. Where did this come from?

“I asked, what day is it?”

“Wednesday, Y/N. It’s Wednesday.” Bucky nervously answers your question. He’s unsure of what you’re talking about.

“Good fucking job, Bucky. It is Wednesday,” you yell at him, while slowly clapping. “Do you know what else it is, Buck? It’s our first anniversary! One year together. One year, that I wasted. I was wasting a year of my life picking you up and fixing you, and you can’t even remember our anniversary. This morning, when you said you were going out with Sam, I thought you were pulling my leg, making me think you were busy so that you could surprise me. So when I get home from an extremely stressful and difficult shift, I was more than ready to go to a nice restaurant or even to the movies. But I find out that you were dead serious and were going to a bar with Sam Fucking Wilson on our anniversary-” Your ramble is cut short when Bucky starts to apologize.

“Baby, I’m sorry-” You cut him off. You don’t want to hear him apologize. Frustrated, angry, and fueled by the alcohol that was pulsing through you, you grab the bottle of wine and lob it at Bucky, while screaming. “Get out! Get the fuck out! I don’t want to see or hear you.” Bucky’s super-soldier reflexes let him duck in time so that the bottle didn’t hit him, and he knew that no matter what he said it would have fallen to deaf ears. So he decided it would be best for him to sleep on Steve’s couch. He walks out the door of your apartment, leaving you sobbing, feeling absolutely heartbroken. This was not how you were supposed to spend your anniversary.

=======

You wake up the next morning on the same couch you were on the night before. The only difference is the major hangover you’re nursing. Your head’s pounding and the rays of light are just making it worse. Opening your eyes and painfully adjusting to the level of light, you notice a certain super-soldier cuddled up on the love seat, opposite of the couch you were currently spiraled upon. On the table next to him was a tray with your favorite breakfast and a bottle of Tylenol.

“Buck, what are you doing here,” your voice was barely above a whisper, but Bucky’s enhanced hearing picked up your words, which brought Bucky out of his slumber.

“Yesterday you didn’t really give me time to talk. So now it is my time to talk and your time to listen. Okay, Y/N,” Bucky kindly responds while pushing you the bottle of Tylenol and a glass of water.

“You should probably take these first. You’re right, Y/N. I am an asshole for forgetting our anniversary. It was a special milestone that I’ve ruined forever. I can’t deny that. And I will try to make it up to you for the rest of my life. But, and I say this as lovingly as possible, the rest of what you said was complete lies. I want you to know that you didn’t waste your time. This last year has been wonderful for me. You were right. When we first met, I was a broken man. I didn’t know who I was or how to live. You showed me that. Your patience, selflessness, and most importantly your love, taught me what it meant to live. Whenever I go on a mission, I don’t worry about me dying, because if I were to die, I would be at peace because you gave me my life back. During the decades, I was under HYDRA’s control, I never felt love. The few moments that my mind was coming out, I wanted to die because I didn’t have an identity, let alone a life. And I never thought I would have a future. But you gave me one. So I know that I fucked this up big time, but do you think you could forgive me? Or at least give me a second chance?"

Bucky looks at you with tears streaming down your face. He meant every single word he said and you could feel that. While you were still mad at the fact that he forgot your anniversary, you knew it wasn’t done on purpose. It was just a lapse of judgment. Plus, there would always be more anniversaries.

"I think I could forgive you, if you showed me how sorry you were,” You give him a suggestive look as you lead him to your bedroom. “Time to show me what you would have done yesterday, Sarge,” You say in a low voice as you lay next to Bucky on your plush mattress.

“Baby, I’m going to show you how sorry I am. Every single day,” Bucky told you as he showered your body with kisses. Maybe your anniversary didn’t turn out that bad after all.

#gabs1kwritingchallenge #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes angst #angst to fluff #latina reader

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ellaintrigue · 3 years

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Last night I found out that one of dad's childhood people had passed away. I didn't know them so it doesn't personally effect me, but they had cancer and were only 60 so that hit home. It bothers me because I've been obsessed with death recently. Has anyone else noticed how many celebrities have died in 2021 even? Not just Prince P. and DMX but just one after another since the start of the year. I'm not superstitious enough to wave my arms and wave about omens but it is ominous.

Reading that made me want to look back through messenger to find another dead person that knew my dad. Without getting into detail there was some drama in dad's life a couple of years ago, but right before that, this woman added me and mom on FaceBook. We didn't know who she was, we just assumed because she was old that she knew my parents or something. Well, she complained she felt fat or something and I said "you look great" in the comments, SOMETHING along those lines. I am body positive and would never insult someone. Well, her sister inboxed me screaming how dare I insult her sister and that mom and I were pieces of shit. I was like "what?" I had no idea who she and her sister were and once the woman found that out she backtracked and apologized. It was weird, but ya know, everyone is a dramatic troll online.

Fast forward to a couple of years later and I found out that these women were basically mad at my father and thought mom and I knew who they were. Bitch what? I fully put the pieces together last night when I scrolled back to the dead woman's messages. She had messaged me briefly in 2017 and she was dead by 2019. She wrapped her truck around a tree taking a turn too fast. The news article described a trashed white pickup but dad approached me in the yard with his hands in his pockets and a distant look in his eyes. He said that not only was she still alive on impact but that she was practically torn in half by the mangled truck. She was partially decapitated but died in the hospital. I can't imagine being alive that long like that. Was she able to look down and see her organs all laid out or was she unconscious?

It's the anniversary of my grandmother's death, early April 2019. I'm not going to cry and moan about my dead grandma, I wasn't even thinking about it in fact. But for some reason it was leaving a bad taste in my mouth anyway. I was too upset to go to her funeral but mom brought me some food back. A broken chicken wing rejected by other goers and some limp pasta salad. "Everyone ate all the good parts," she said.

I've said this before but it seems weird when someone dies and you start eating. I had graphic visuals of my grandmother's coffin sinking into the dirt and her starting to rot while everyone ripped their teeth into fried chicken. Gnashing their jaws and loud slurps as they sucked down sweet tea. I'm overreacting, it shouldn't bother me that much. I was thinking about it last night and thought about how my old cat died in 2014. I stepped outside one morning and I saw her back legs from under a hedge and instantly knew she was dead. She was almost 19 and when her head came into view her eyes were completely clouded grey from death. I wrapped her up in a towel and buried her but whenever I think about someone dying I imagine their eyes being the same way. That misty grey look of surprise, "hey, I'm dead!"

I had sobered up by that point yesterday and started to cry a little. I hadn't slept yet but either when I sleep and wake up sober, or I sober up by 10 PM life just hits me hard. I think about mom being sick, I think about how I can't make enough money, and it just maddens me. Then always upon sobering, I can feel all my physical problems again. Last night I was in vicious pain, tossing and turning like my body was on fire. I got up over and over to piss blood. I had been bleeding a lot into my urine the past week but sometimes it just gets unbearable. I lay awake all night cursing life.

This morning I woke up and stepped outside and narrowly avoided stepping on a droplet of blood. I don't want to step in that no matter how small. I stepped back and there was more blood. So I put my hand on my crotch, then my face, to make sure it wasn't me. I just don't know anymore the way things fall apart. I wasn't bleeding so Domino must have eaten a critter or something.

In a world full of death it would be nice if the shitty people died for a change. The people I know that have died were kind, yet the monsters I've encountered keep on running around hurting people. The words of one online predator still ring in my head "stop acting like everyone is out to get you and give me a chance." The toothy military vet's message before that told me I should be raped and killed.

Karma, do you exist? Stars, do you align? Kill some devils so I can eat carefree funeral chicken.

#Blood #Death #Morbid #Yep I'm still goth #Family #Personal #Thoughts #Pain #Mourning #Karma #Trauma #Nonfiction

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