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lookwhatyoumademedohaha · 9 months

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And that kids is, how I met your mother Chapter 5 - Cornelia Street

We were in the backseat Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar "I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home

And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again I'd never walk Cornelia Street again

Summary: While you are beginning again in Ravka, Kaz Brekker contemplates and reminisces about how you were the one who quietly made a home in his cold heart and is addicted to the terrible ache in his heart that he feels keenly at your absence in his life.

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x Reader, Nikolai Lantsov x Six of Crows Reader, Kaz Brekker x Reader, Zoya Nazyalensky x Reader (Platonic), Nina Zenik x Reader (Platonic), Genya Safin x Reader (Platonic), Six of Crows x Reader (Platonic).

Warnings: Pure sweet fluff, humor, lots of angst, unrequited love that might be requited, denial, pining, mentions of death and violence, Dregs being legends, Kaz Brekker being an absolute emotionally constipated asshole in denial.

A/N: Hi everyone! I’m very grateful for your kindness, love and support that encourages me to keep going! I apologize for the delay but here is the long awaited Chapter 5 to this work, you have all been waiting for patiently so thank you for your patience and understanding! I’ve written this chapter from Kaz’ POV explaining his feelings and thoughts because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time and it was a challenge but I finally did it!

I hope you all like it and I’m excited! Let me know your thoughts and comments on my work because I really struggled through writer’s block on this one.

I love you all! Happy reading!

Chapter 1 - Until I Found Her

Chapter 2 - Labyrinth

Chapter 3 - Call it what you want

Chapter 4 - Someone to Stay

Ketterdam was dark and dismal full of hidden secrets and monsters in the shadows. The city was built on blood and secrets and no one knew that better than the man who now ruled it, Kaz Brekker.

As Kaz Brekker strode through the crowded streets of Ketterdam filled with gullible pigeons and hungry monsters, he felt empty and alone. It was a feeling now he knew all too well though he tried to ignore it. The feeling ached and hurt him in places he didn’t know he had for the last few weeks. Kaz felt terrible these days, his mood completely sour and ill - tempered than usual frightening the Dregs, hurting his enemies and concerning his friends. Kaz couldn’t sleep the last few weeks as he tossed and turned restlessly in his empty and cold bed and in the rare moments he sunk into a fitful slumber, he was dreamt of you and woke up with sweat running down his forehead and gasps.

In the moments of sleep, he dreamt of you. The dreams always started the same way... there you were smiling at him as he reached for you, as he pressed a hungry kiss onto your sweet lips devouring you eagerly as both of you indulged in happiness and love that was only yours. But it would all fall down when the thick darkness began to envelope their surroundings and though they tried to escape it, you both would be caught in it, trapped within a dark and deserted place where nothing grew. Kaz remembered feeling your hand brush against his in the darkness. It wouldn’t make sense but suddenly the darkness would thin out slightly and they were both alone in a ship that had been wrecked as a storm poured down on them. In his dream, Kaz and you were trying to find a way out of the ship wreck but out of the blue, a shadowy figure shoots at Kaz but the bullet never reaches Kaz. Kaz wonders why he is unharmed as he realizes that in the cold of the stormy night, you had wrapped yourself around him and taken the bullet for him. Kaz watches you bleed as the life drained away from your eyes and the storm drowns you and he loses you.

He hates this feeling of helplessness and fear he feels when he wakes up and realizes it isn’t real, it was just a nightmare but it hurts more when it hits him that you aren’t around to quiet his fears with the gentleness in your eyes and the touch of your hand.

Since you left Ketterdam, the days dragged on and time seemed to pass by completely slowly infuriating Kaz who was haunted by you and took out his anger on everyone else. Everyone in Ketterdam feared him more than ever, and the Crows were praying for your swift return.

Kaz remembered the first time he had seen you. It was a moment he would never forget.

The cold season was oncoming and the Crows had heard of stories of the number of children increased in Ketterdam who were shivering in the cold, starving and had no shelter. As they made their way to the Slat that provided them warmth as they talked and laughed, Jesper’s eyes had landed on a girl dressed in a shabby and raggedy dress standing on the dirty and wet street with baskets in her arms as she stared at him hungrily.

Jesper was used to people staring at him. Everyone stared at him in admiration, fear, awe and lust and Jesper loved it. But Jesper had never felt anyone stare at him hungrily with a wistful look. It made him feel sad as he met your hungry and starved eyes that stared at him greedily and thought that you were one of those poor beggar children who had nothing to eat and no one to go to. It never occurred to him that you had been staring at him hungrily because you were greedy and starving for the warm and happy life he led with his friends, the laughter and mischievousness that glittered in his kind eyes and that you just wanted to go back to the better days where you had your brother by your side, and everything was just perfect and unspoiled. Jesper only saw your ragged clothes, hungry eyes, skinny figure that shivered in the cold.

And that’s why Jesper thrust his hand into his pocket and took the money he had been meaning to gamble and took off his coat as well as he walked toward you with kindness “Here you go, dear. Take this money and my coat. It’ll keep you warm.”

You had been startled and alarmed as you realized the boy with a warm and sunny disposition you had been staring at had mistaken you for a beggar girl and you realized you looked like one of the shabby and skinny poor children, the ones you had always been generous to back at home. The realization hit you like a hurricane with humiliation as you grew red and then deathly white in embarrassment as you thought of how far you had fallen down from grace.

And that’s why you broke into a laugh because you were close to crying as you exclaimed your heart touched at the boy’s kindness because all your time spent in Ketterdam, kindness had been very rare to you “Oh no! Oh no, thank you! I must refuse!”

The Crows who had been watching the scene unfold, waiting for Jesper patiently looked in intrigue and interest at you. Kaz raised his head to truly look at you because it was your voice that had interested all of them especially him as he took a few steps forward to listen to you. You did not speak in a manner of an ordinary street child but your manners belonged to a girl who was well bred and raised in a good household. A manner of a princess, mused Kaz as he looked at you intently.

But Jesper was not to be moved away as he placed his coat over you and put the money in the palm of your hand with kindness etched on his face “You mustn’t refuse! Don’t worry, I have plenty of coats and trust me, this one will keep you really warm. And you must use this money to buy food. If there’s anything you need from me, just ask for Jesper at the Crow Club.”

You saw something so kind and generous in his face that you knew to refuse would break his heart and you didn’t want to disappoint him. So you tightened the very warm coat around you and gratefully accepted the kruge from Jesper who grinned happily though your pride felt stung and your cheeks burned bitterly. You had known that you looked weary and shabby but until now you didn’t know you looked like a beggar girl.

His grin reminded you so much of your brother and his kindness was such a beautiful thing that you choked on a sob of humiliation and pain, reminiscence and happiness as you flung your arms around him “Thank you! Thank you so much! You are such a kind, sweet and generous darling boy!”

And with those words, you let go of Jesper who smiled happily and you left feeling warm. Kaz’ eyes widened at your response as Jesper skipped back towards them with a happy grin and Kaz reprimanded Jesper “Jesper! Why did you do that? That girl is not a beggar! She didn’t speak like a beggar or look like a beggar!”

“And she didn’t beg. I thought she would be angry with you. Sometimes, it makes people angry to be taken for beggars when they are not.” said Inej who felt sympathetic for you but she agreed with Kaz because there had been something very different about her.

“She wasn’t angry.” replied Jesper dismayed at his friends reactions but firm in what he had done and happy because he had made a difference in your life as he smiled widely “She was very happy. She laughed and hugged me and said I was a kind, sweet and generous darling boy! And I was!”

Kaz and Inej exchanged thoughtful glances as Kaz felt mystified by you and said “An ordinary beggar girl would have never said that. They would have just accepted the money and thanked you quickly or even respectfully bobbed a curtesy.”

From that moment on, Kaz Brekker was profoundly interested in you. Not just Kaz Brekker but the Crows and nearly all of the Dregs. You knew nothing of this new interest in you and never appeared at the Crow Club seeking Jesper Fahey but whenever you passed the Slat in your broken shoes and worn out clothes, your hair tucked with a ribbon, faces would appear at the window to take a good look at you, many discussions concerning you were held and you were nicknamed at the girl who is not a beggar. It was hilarious when the Dregs said it in a hurry.

Inej who had followed you and found information about you, told Kaz and Jesper about you “She is alone in Ketterdam. She doesn’t have anybody - she’s an orphan. She’s kind of a servant at the Van Eck mansion. She runs errands, carries parcels and does anything they tell her to.”

Inej’s anger was evident as she spoke fiercely, her hands clenched “They work her to the bone - sending her on long and tiresome errands without any proper clothing. And they punish her, hit her and deprive her of food and starve her and she doesn’t even have a proper place to sleep.”

Jesper looked like he was one second away from marching to the Van Eck mansion and getting you out of there but Inej wasn’t done as she continued “But she’s really strong. She’s friends with a crow that comes to her window and a rat in her room that she tamed.”

Jesper started laughing in amusement and wonder as his eyes gleamed in fondness “Oh! She’s odd that one but I believe I am beginning to like her!”

Kaz hid the little smile that threatened to burst at the thought of you taming and being friends with animals as he listened to Inej “And as for people who are nice to her... the Van Eck boy and her are friends. He’s the only one who is nice to her in that house.”

“What? You mean, Van Eck’s son is friends with the girl who isn’t a beggar?” asked Jesper in interest and intrigue as he snorted in amusement while Kaz sat up in interest “What? Does his daddy know?”

“No. The visits are secret and very rare. The Van Eck boy comes to her room at night whenever it’s safe, with food and books. And she reads to him and tells him stories and they talk and pretend that the attic she lives in is somewhere nicer. But she’s not a beggar.”

Kaz listened to this in rapt attention as he thought of you braving your unbearable life with a vivid imagination and determination. Perhaps that’s when Kaz had begun to like her unbeknownst to him.

The next time Kaz saw you was when he was on his way to the Slat after a negotiation and he spotted your dark mane of hair tied with a narrow ribbon as you slipped through the crowd and something in him ignited fiercely as he followed you quietly in interest. This day was a wretched one. His leg ached bitterly but he followed you nevertheless as he observed you were dressed in a dark blue dress that had grown shabbier and worn out, your shoes were downtrodden and wet with water that filled it, the coat around your shoulders was Jesper’s, your face pinched and starved and cold with blue and your heavy thick mane of dark hair was tied in a narrow ribbon.

That day was wretchedly freezing and dreary, the street wet and sloppy and Kaz observed how the wind tried to drag the coat Jesper had given you as you waded through the mud, the water filling your broken shoes. Although Kaz knew of your position in the Van Eck household, he truly did not know the extent to which the ill tempered and depressed staff treated you as a slave driving you on errands on the worst days. Kaz didn’t know that today of all days, you were trying to keep away the thoughts of your ravenous hunger by thinking of more pleasant and lovelier thoughts of being in dry and beautiful clothes, eating the most delicious food in the company of those whom you loved the best. He did not know for you, your imagination and making up stories and pretending was your way of coping and being strong in the hell of this city.

Kaz observed you stop at a bakery as you stared hungrily at the pastries, buns and cakes on display when your attention seemed to shift to a little beggar boy with untamable wild curly hair, a pale face with big hungry eyes and dirty clothes as he wrapped himself with rags to keep warm from the freezing cold. The boy was younger than Kaz himself and Kaz observed you talk softly and kindly to the boy for a few moments, your lips nearly blue from the cold. Kaz waited in the shadows as he saw you finish the conversation with the little hungry boy and look at him with an odd look in your eyes.

Kaz watched keenly as you entered the bakery where you were greeted by a friendly and kind boy with unruly brown hair and watched you point for three waffles. The nice and warm ones that had just been made. Kaz quietly watched the baker boy throw in five waffles in the bag for you and you seemed to point his mistake to Kaz’ surprise. Kaz wondered why you wouldn’t just take it and leave when you were so hungry. But the baker boy just smiled kindly and gave the bag to you as you stumbled out of the bakery and look at the little boy who seemed to be crying in suffering and starvation.

Kaz urged you to leave. You had what you wanted, there was no time for you to think about others.

But to his great shock, you knelt down before the boy as you gently smiled at him and handed him one waffle. The boy looked at you in amazement as if you had performed a miracle and began to eat it up wildly as if he was afraid that the waffle would vanish any time if he didn’t devour it up soon. Kaz was frozen in shock as he watched you place the rest of the waffles in the little beggar boy’s hands as you said something kind to the boy and ruffled his hair. The savage beggar boy was too hungry to give thanks as you left him to eat knowing that he was starving and the beggar boy looked up to see the vanishing figure of you at the end of the street.

Kaz didn’t know why but he knew that you could have eaten up all five waffles without hesitation. He had seen it in your eyes. And yet, you had sacrificed it for this poor child you barely knew. As he reflected on his thoughts, curiosity got the better of him as he strode toward the boy.

“Who gave you those waffles?”

The boy nodded toward your vanishing figure and Kaz queried curiously “What did she say to you?”

The boy looked at Kaz distrustfully but answered “Asked me if I was ‘ungry.”

“What did you say?”

“Said I had nothin to eat.”

“And then she bought the waffles and gave it to you?”

The boy nodded and although Kaz knew the answer, he had to hear it from the boy’s mouth “How many?”

“Five.”

Something in Kaz’ seemed to ignite at the answer. He had seen it was five but he couldn’t quite believe that the girl would be so stupid, self - sacrificing and kind to give the food she could have sustained herself with to a complete stranger who she didn’t know. It was absolutely an act of stupidity to Kaz and yet it moved and touched Kaz in a way it had not before. Ketterdam was a city known for cruelty and exploitation with darkness of the hearts spreading through it like a disease but this girl had proven that her heart was a ray of sunshine, the kindness and goodness in her soul was still not snatched by this city even though she faced the worst trials of adversity.

Kaz felt himself transported to his childhood where Jordie and him were completely poor and hungry. How different would their lives have been if there had been someone like her, someone who had been willing to share and listen to their woes and someone who had been completely good and kind to them without expectations and conditions.

Kaz thought of your hungry eyes and cold figure. He knew you had wanted those waffles. He knew that you could have eaten all of those waffles and even more but instead you chose to give it to a little boy who was hungrier and colder than you were.

Perhaps your act of goodness stirred something in his cold heart because Kaz inquired “Are you still hungry?”

“I’m always ‘ungry. But it ain’t half that bad now.”

Kaz was inspired by your little act of goodness that was enormous in his eyes as the next few words slipped his mouth “Go to the Crow Club and tell them Kaz Brekker sent you to be looked after by Inej Ghafa. She’ll help you get yourself warm and give you something to eat.”

The little urchin got up and obeyed because he didn’t care what was happening or what happened next as long as he was given a place where warmth and food was supplied. As Kaz looked at the little urchin leaving, he realized that he had done this for your sake and he decided to follow you because now he had started to see you, he couldn’t stop.

Kaz found himself at the Van Eck household where he saw you entering it with baskets and parcels in your hands, completely exhausted.

Kaz hid among the bushes having a good vantage point to see everything going on as he saw Van Eck accompanied by his son, both of them dressed in warm clothing as they sat at a table full of warm food with books scattered on it as Van Eck who was in a foul temper scolded the quiet son.

When you entered the garden, you ran into Van Eck who was already in a savage temper as he snapped “Where were you? You have been wasting time, lingering out and about for hours.”

Kaz noticed how tired you looked but you still managed to reply faintly and politely “It was wet and muddy. It was hard to walk because my shoes were so bad and slippery.”

“Do not lie. You shall go without dinner tonight.” stated Van Eck savagely while his son turned quite pale.

“I have had nothing to eat since this week.” Kaz heard you reply in a faint and low voice and felt himself tremble in savage anger.

“Then all the better! You shall have no breakfast, lunch or dinner tomorrow either! That will teach you how to behave like a proper servant!”

Kaz was certain you were trembling in hunger and cold as you grew pale and on the verge of breaking down when the son spoke up softly yet boldly “Father, please! She’s just a girl. You cannot starve -”

Van Eck slapped his son so hard that the boy nearly stumbled back and you gasped in horror and fear while Kaz watched in curiosity “You will speak when you are spoken to! Have you no pride? She is not a girl, she is a servant and she will be treated as so! Truly, Wylan, you disappoint me with that soft heart of yours. Go to your room and think about yourself. Have you never thought of what I think of you and try to become someone that I can be proud of?”

Wylan’s eyes were misty but it was your face that caught Van Eck’s attention. It had caught Kaz’ attention too for your face was serious and solemn, quiet and sad as you fixed your eyes on Van Eck who glared at you fiercely.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kaz’ eyes were on you as you stood steadfast and fearless in front of Van Eck as you answered quietly “I was thinking.”

By the expression on Van Eck’s face, Kaz realized that he had dealt with situations like this with you before as he demanded “Thinking of what? Beg my pardon for thinking.”

“I shall not beg your pardon for thinking.” you replied honestly as Kaz’ looked at you, your expression serious and sad as you replied quietly “I was thinking of what my father would think and do if he knew where I was today.”

Kaz’ saw Van Eck go red and then a dangerous purple as he flew at you and shook you violently, slapping your cheek and boxing your ears as you gasped in pain from the endless blows you received as Van Eck ignored Wylan’s protests as he snapped “You insolent child! How dare you be so impolite to your employer!”

There was a fire of fury that ignited in Kaz as he watched you take the blows in agony and pain as you hid back your tears. When Van Eck was finished with you, your cheeks were red and smarting and there was a slight wound from the blows you received but Kaz’ felt curious and awed as he saw your eyes were bright as stars as you let out a little amused laugh that shocked Van Eck who saw that you were not frightened by him.

Kaz felt curiosity stir as he watched you in amazement as you laughed and then bobbed a mocking curtesy “Excuse me for laughing if it is impolite but I cannot help it when there is a clown in front of me.”

Kaz couldn’t help but grin at her daring sassiness as she ran away leaving Van Eck struggling with his rage and Wylan hiding a small smile as his eyes lingered on her vanishing figure.

That day, as Kaz sat in his office in the Slat, he thought of your tight and pinched face, your starved and hungry eyes that held determination and thoughtfulness in them and your quiet polite manners and daring bravery. Kaz was fascinated by you from the moment he had seen you. You reminded him of a girl in his childhood. You were vastly different from this girl but yet there was something about you that reminded him of the girl back in his village Lij.

Everyone called her the Little Empress. She was the daughter of a rich and respected man who was a businessman in Ketterdam. Her father kept her in the grand mansion and there were many stories and rumors about her and her dangerous father that Jordie used to tell Kaz to pass the time because Kaz was fascinated by the fairytale life they lived. Kaz remembers the times he did catch rare glimpses of her and believed that the name Little Empress fitted her.

Kaz had seen her traveling in a carriage with her father as she held onto his arm. Kaz had seen her hand in hand with her father, surrounded by elegant governesses and intimidating men and women as they walked through the village commanding respect. Kaz’ eyes widened in awe and wonder every time he glimpsed her, for she looked very pretty and beautiful in her velvet dresses trimmed with furs, lace and satin dresses with puffed sleeves, lovely hats, ermine coats and muffs and tiny gloves that fitted her little hands, handkerchiefs and silk stockings that Kaz heard the villagers whisper that the little girl had a wardrobe that was much too grand for a child of seven. Kaz had learned the father was a gangster from his father but fond of his little girl and wanted his child to have everything he admired and everything he admired himself. Jordie murmured that though she had everything, the little girl was not spoiled because once Jordie had bumped into her on an errand and when she had seen Jordie cold and shivering, she had offered her silk scarf and her cloak and insisted on buying him a hot meal and food for his family as well. Kaz had never spoken to the Little Empress but all he knew of her is that she lived grandly with a gangster father who spoiled her, governesses who taught her everything she needed to know and people who protected her.

Though Kaz barely remembers much of his life in his village, one of the memories he does remember is meeting the gangster, the father of the Little Empress who visited their farm to buy a horse for his daughter. Kaz’ father knew the gangster through casual acquaintance for both men had fondness and affection for horses and greeted the gangster excited about finding a horse for his daughter. They both walked around as Kaz’ father talked about the special qualities of each horse but the gangster was waiting for the right horse.

Kaz and Jordie left their village after their father’s death and a week after that, they heard that the gangster’s house was burned to ashes with everyone in it and there was no possibility of any survivors. Kaz had thought of the Little Empress burning in the fire and had felt a pit of sadness grow at the thought of the gangster and the pretty Little Empress dying in the fire. Their faces were now blurry to him but he still remembered the excitement and amazement he felt every time he caught a glimpse of her.

You were not like the Little Empress at all. You were dirty, shabby, poor and worn out. But there was something in your manner that reminded him of the Little Empress. Something bold and kind, smart and resilient that impressed Kaz who was lost in thoughts of you.

Kaz kept an eye out for you but after a while, you stopped passing by the Slat and Crow Club with parcels and baskets in your arms. Kaz waited for you to pass by the Slat and Crow Club but as days went by, your presence did not grace them and the Dregs felt worried about the girl who was not a beggar. Kaz hid all the worry as he sent Inej to look out for you but you had disappeared from Ketterdam. Kaz felt something in him sink in dark pain when Inej bought back the news that she couldn’t find you anywhere as he realized that you had not survived the cruelty and mercilessness of Ketterdam. After your disappearance, the Van Eck boy mysteriously disappeared as well. Though Kaz, Inej and Jesper searched valiantly for you, their efforts were in vain because you were nowhere to be found and no one knew of where you were.

After many months after your disappearance, Kaz Brekker who was working on a heist regarding taking down one of the prominent gangs that abducted young children heard stories and rumors of an infamous spy and an intelligent detective who could find anyone no matter how far they ran and how hard they tried to hide away from the rest of the world. This spy was a shadow, an enigma and a mystery that had no name but many people in Ketterdam owed their lives to this spy because this spy would take any job given to them and do it successfully with style. This was a unique spy different from the ones who dominated Ketterdam. This spy took on cases of murder, missing children, abusive households, exposing corruption and helped people with their skillset. The stories and rumors boasted of a spy who was dangerous, uncatchable, intelligent and always one step ahead of those who thought they had the spy in a trap.

Kaz searched for this ruthless and smart spy endlessly because it was rumored they were working on the same case as him and secondly their skillset could be valuable to him. Finally, you got into a fight with one of the Dregs leaving him seriously injured. Kaz who had seen the injuries on his Dreg decided to find you once and for all as he send Inej, Jesper and Nina to inquire and found out that you occasionally hung out at a particular pub where people knew your identity but protected you. He learned that you went by name Pandora Silvertongue in the profession.

Kaz remembered stepping into the bar that belonged to the boy with unruly hair that had been kind to you that day. The boy had now upgraded his bar to a dining and drinking pub where the patrons were drinking and eating, laughing and singing like strangled cats while the boy smiled as he poured them more drinks.

When the boy with unruly hair saw Kaz, Inej and Jesper enter, his eyes widened in recognition and fear and Kaz announced in a steely voice that was not to be challenged “Is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?”

Everyone was quiet in fear and fright as no one dared to breath and Jesper took one of his revolvers and shot it to the air startling the patrons who screamed in fear as Kaz announced once again with authority “I said is there anyone named Pandora Silvertongue?”

The private room of the bar opened up as a girl with a spring in her step, color in her cheeks stepped out calmly as her eyes glinted with understanding and fearlessness. Kaz’, Inej’ and Jesper’s eyes widened in shock and amazement as they recognized you, the girl who was not a beggar who they had thought disappeared from Ketterdam but here you were alive and well.

Kaz could feel his breath quicken as his eyes never left you who was dressed in a fine dark blue dress as you looked at the Crows and then at the bartender with authority that you commanded naturally “Steve, get them a drink. Everyone else go home.”

Everyone obeyed your command as they immediately stumbled out of the bar. You seated yourself at a table carelessly and elegantly without extending an invitation to the Crows to join you because you showed no signs of fearing them while Steve poured fine whisky for all of them as you had ordered.

When Steve finished pouring the drinks, you looked at the bartender with a quiet gleam in your eyes “You go home.”

“But -”

“I said go home.” you said in a calm and quiet voice but everyone understood you shouldn’t be challenged as Steve cast a good protective and concerned look at you and scuttled to the back.

You lit a cigarette airily and carelessly as you looked at Kaz Brekker as if he was nothing special who was still recovering from his shock and Jesper broke the silence with a grin “The girl who is not a beggar! It’s you! We were so worried about you! We thought you had died - or disappeared but you look so awesome!”

You smiled slightly but before you could reply, Kaz spoke sharply in a hard tone “So I suppose you are the infamous Pandora Silvertongue because you are looking up and down at me like you aren’t afraid of me.”

You merely smiled as you replied calmly and quietly taking a puff of your cigarette “I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.”

But before Kaz could say anything, Jesper jumped in “We’re so glad you are alright. We were worried about you, you know? I mean, we used to make up stories and theories about who you were. You probably don’t remember me -”

“Jesper Fahey from the Crow Club.” you said with a genuine smile as you nodded at him “I never forget anyone who has been kind to me. Thank you for being warm and kind on one of the many dark days I had.”

“Oh... it was nothing.”

“No, it was something. It was something extraordinary.” you replied with a genuinely warm and grateful smile as Jesper felt appreciated and happy.

“I want to know what you want, Mr. Brekker.” you replied calmly and quietly as you took a puff of your cigarette. “What are you doing here?”

“Your name is Pandora Silvertongue. In the past few months, you have earned a reputation for being a dangerous spy and an intelligent detective who no one can hide anything from. You also tutor Ketterdam students. You’ve made yourself more enemies than friends. You’re in danger.” informed Kaz calmly with a deadpanned expression as he gazed at you skeptically and perceptively.

“You’ve done your research but you are still not answering my question.” you replied in amusement as you dabbed your cigarette into the ashtray

Kaz saw you raise your eyebrows at him and intrigue spark in your eyes as he began “A few weeks ago, someone started to capture Dregs. Not just any Dregs, female Dregs were targeted, lured into isolated areas, tortured and killed. Their eyes were gouged and hearts were ripped out and after three murders, a note was left at the fourth murder.”

You listened to Kaz who handed you the information on the murders as you looked through the papers “This is all the information we have on the killer. We’ve tried to follow and keep tabs on each Dreg but there is little progress. We need to know who the killer is so we can take him down.”

“I need to examine the bodies of the victims and visit the location of each murder to determine the behavioral patterns of the victims and murderers, preferably with one of you so I can role play and get inside their minds.” you replied thoughtfully as you flipped through each page quickly while Kaz nodded “Was the murder weapon left at the scene?”

“No. Who would be stupid enough to do that?” laughed Jesper rolling his eyes at you.

“Killers who enjoy the thrill of the chase. To them, killing isn’t just a crime, it’s an emotional release and enjoyment.” you replied as you ran your hand through your hair, your face full of concentration and focus making you oddly attractive to Kaz “Was anything taken away from the victims when they were found?”

“Their weapons.” answered Kaz curtly

“Well, I’ll look into everything about these girls. From their family backgrounds, traumas, how they were recruited, special skills, who they were close to and their daily routines. I also look into their autopsy reports.” you stated firmly as you closed the file and looked at an unreadable Kaz, a hopeful Inej and amazed Jesper who listened attentively to you and you were silent for a few moments as you read the note “But I can tell you this about the killer from the note.”

Kaz leaned slightly forward in interest as he waited in anticipation “Did you ever wonder why there was a note left on the fourth murder? It’s because the first three killings didn’t get the attention he wanted it to. So, to get the glory and revel in it, the killer left the note. What he doesn’t know is... he also left clues as to how to find him.”

Kaz raised his eyebrows because he couldn’t quite believe you had found clues regarding the killer so soon but he nodded at you to continue.

“From what you told me about the killer, he is not confident enough to initiate social contact so he lures them into isolation. Look at the letters, the style of writing - not confident enough but charming enough to be trustworthy. Emotional indicators are analyzed through slants. The writer’s handwriting shows signs of emotional repression and violence. And the pressure if you look closely is excessively heavy which shows that he is uptight hiding trauma and can easily overreact with excessive violence.” you stated in one breath as you gestured to the handwriting in the letter while Kaz looked at you in hidden wonder and admiration, impressed by your intelligence.

Jesper was the first one to find his tongue “You got all that from his handwriting?”

“Handwriting is an indicator of personality and behavior. It symbolizes your emotions at the given time just like your facial expressions parallel the way you are feeling and speaking.” you replied smartly while Kaz processed this new information “But the interesting thing about this note is - it’s a line from a Kaelish poem. It says ‘Mirror mirror on the wall, tell no more lies about who you are.’”

Inej looked at Kaz and Jesper and then at you thoughtfully as she offered “So then, we are looking for someone Kaelish, well versed in literature, educated, narcistic and organized?”

You looked at Kaz confidently and smartly, with a grim glint in your eyes “I would cut off Kaelish. This person wants you to narrow it down to Kaelish people. Right now, you are looking for someone who knows the language of Kaelish, who is well - versed in literature, violent when provoked, smart and organized and charming and trustworthy and someone who needs to be in control. This was a person all these three girls knew and trusted... and maybe, it’s someone you know too. Someone who knows the procedures of the Dregs and how things work in there. This was someone who stalked each girl, observed the times she did everything, places she went to, people she talked to and organized the crime accordingly.”

“So we cannot eliminate the possibility that it might be one of the Dregs.” replied Kaz calmly as he thought of the possible suspects and the people who the three girls had in common.

“No. In fact, I believe you might have even met the killer, perhaps offering condolences for the deaths of the girls or trying to help in any way they can to find them. Keep a sharp eye and trust no one.” you replied sharply and grimly and then after a long moment of silence, your lips curved into a smile “How do you feel about the violin?”

Kaz, Jesper and Inej exchanged surprised glances because that was the last question they expected “What?”

“Well, I play the violin when I’m thinking. Will that be a problem? I also need a large space to pace about, I’m a coffee addict and I don’t talk for days on end and sometimes I talk to myself because I’m the only one in the room who makes sense. Will that bother you? Potential colleagues should know the worst about each other.” you stated easily and calmly with a charming and sweet smile as you finished the last of your whisky.

Jesper and Inej exchanged amused glances at how Kaz looked surprised at you taking charge and twisting the conversation to surprise him as he replied “Colleagues? Who said anything about becoming a Dreg?”

“I did. Told Nina Zenik day before yesterday over waffles that I must be a difficult and dangerous woman to work with because Pekka Rollins’ has his eye on me because I just took down one of the slavers. Now here her employer is... Kaz Brekker, the Lieutenant of the Dregs, the owner of the Crow Club, clearly wanting to get to me before Rollins does by testing me to see if I am worthy of his time and investment and lives up to Zenik’s word.” you said casually and nonchalantly as if the answer had been simple enough for anyone to understand and Kaz wondered if you had set this up on purpose as he watched you stand up and put your coat on “It isn’t really a difficult conclusion.”

Jesper grinned “I really like her.”

Inej grinned wider as she nodded “Yeah, I really like her too.”

“I’ll be in contact. I need to establish my investigation so I’ll be moving in as a bar girl and Brekker’s secretary tomorrow. That way, I can discreetly find out about what happened to the girls and who they associated with and perhaps even lure out the killer.” you replied briskly in a composed and matter - of - fact voice that Kaz did not like because he was the boss as you moved across the room swiftly “I don’t need a room, I have my own place so I won’t be around for that. I’ll meet you in the evening around at five to go check the victims and locations. Sorry, got to dash... have important things to do.”

Kaz was surprised at the nonchalance and fearlessness you held toward him and the way you treated him as your equal as he called out “Is that it?”

“Is that what?” you inquired politely as you stopped mid - step to look at Kaz in curiosity.

“Well, we just met and now you are part of the Dregs without my permission?” replied Kaz smartly in a deadly and dangerous voice as he looked at you coldly while Inej and Jesper exchanged amused looks because Kaz seemed to have met his match.

You didn’t seem fazed at all, in fact you seemed surprised and amused “Problem?”

“We don’t know a thing about each other. I don’t know where we are meeting this evening and I suspect Pandora Silvertongue isn’t your real name.” replied Kaz smoothly and smartly as he raised his eyebrows at her with a smirk because he had to admit she had the nerve and daring combined with her intelligence and curiosity which felt oddly attractive to Kaz.

“I know you are the Lieutenant of the Dregs, Kaz Brekker. I know you sent the Wraith to follow me yesterday. I know that Per Haskell is a puppet and you are the puppet master who one day hopes to be the leader of the Dregs but is waiting for the opportune moment. I know that you are an orphaned farm boy who was raised outside of Ketterdam in a village judging by the hint of the rural accent that is audible under your Kerch. I know you came to Ketterdam with someone you loved dearly - the last of your family members - perhaps an older sibling. Since you are standing here alone, I know that your older sibling must have died in the firepox plague that overwhelmed Ketterdam but somehow you managed to survive and climb up the ladder in the streets, developing an aversion to touch, trust issues, avoidance of friendships, hyper vigilance, protectiveness toward Jesper who possibly reminds of your sibling by the way you look at him and reprimand him and hunger for revenge. You think the world is out to get you and you are distrustful of every single person you come into contact with because you were let down by someone you cared about. You like to think you are detached from weakness but you do care... and the reason I know that is you permanently marked yourself with that tattoo on your wrist... R... it stands for something personal... perhaps a name of someone you care about with love or hate... a reminder to you. I know that you like to pretend you are different from the rest of the criminals in the Barrel by dressing up in black like a mercher and distinguishing yourself away from them but the gloves - they hide something - perhaps your touch aversion? I know your limp is psychosomatic. And just one mention of Pekka Rollins, your face is filled with hatred but you are not competing with him for power - no, your eyes are filled with revenge. It’s personal and you intend to be the last man standing.”

Kaz’ eyes widened as you began your explanation and analysis of him and he felt completely exposed and slightly frightened when you deducted and observed his weaknesses and shames that the world did not see because he hid it so well from them. Kaz couldn’t breath as he listened to you cleverly and calmly rattle out facts about him that no one else knew but seemed completely transparent and obvious to you and when you finished, Kaz’ knees were slightly wobbly and his grip on his cane was tight as he looked at you with something akin to fear and reverence in his heart.

Inej and Jesper exchanged slightly anxious looks as they looked at Kaz who had gone completely pale and you grinned and winked at the three of them “That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you’ve earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

Kaz had been shaken to the core and had wondered how you knew about these personal things. The next time he had met you to help you with your investigate, he had been completely cold and threatening as he demanded how you found out his secrets but you simply explained your observations that had led you to conclude your deductions about him. Those observations were sharp and clever, things that the rest of the world were stupid enough to ignore and it had shocked Kaz you were clever and sharp enough to pick up on those little things.

Though Kaz hadn’t liked how you had first approached him, he understood your value as a person and a member of the Dregs immediately. He knew that he could not let you go because there were a dozen more powerful and cruel men who were willing to get their hands on you and use you unkindly to their advantage. Kaz had enough information on the city to know that Pekka Rollins had a keen eye on your talents and wanted you all to himself. And Kaz was not going to let a dangerous and talented girl like you be Pekka’s property.

“That’s enough to be going on, don’t you think? The name’s Pandora Silvertongue until you've earned my real name and meet me in front of the Church of Ghezen!”

You worked undercover as a bargirl and Kaz’ secretary for two weeks in the Crow Club and the Slat. Kaz noticed that you wasted no time in charming everyone and making friends with people who warmed up to you and opened their hearts, confiding their deepest and darkest secrets to you. You were an efficient and effective hard worker who never gave anyone reason to doubt that you were a spy as you observed and worked on the case. There were times you would drive Kaz crazy with your endless playing of the violin at midnight when you needed to think, your coffee addiction that was worse than his and you muttering under your breath, spouting completely random but interesting facts that surprised everyone out of nowhere and sometimes completely zoning out lost in thought ignoring his presence. Kaz found it truly annoying and exasperating but Inej, Nina and Jesper who were slightly patient with you found it amusing that Kaz had found someone worse than him.

Through his time with you, Kaz couldn’t believe you were real. Whenever you presented developments in the investigation, there were somethings such an elegant intelligence and raw thought that he had never seen in anyone else. He always would be surprised by your findings because you would up with observations that no one else would think of and was surprisingly accurate. Kaz never showed it but he was in awe of your intelligence and wondered where you had trained your mind to be like this and learned all these things.

You had found the killer soon enough and suspected that Anika would be the next target. What you hadn’t expected the killer to do was twist his plan and take Inej hostage. Kaz and Jesper had set out to find the killer with the Dregs with your help and you were ordered to stay out of the line of fighting. But the killer had been too smart for Kaz and Jesper planning own traps for them forcing them to watch when he tried to torture Inej under the impression that Inej was Pandora Silvertongue.

Jesper was full on panicking “PLEASE! LET HER GO! SHE’S NOT PANDORA SILVERTONGUE!”

The killer laughed as he looked at Jesper who was trying to break free “I don’t believe you.”

“You should you know. Pandora Silvertongue is nothing like her.” came a cocky and confident voice out of the dark shadows alarming everyone and getting the attention of the killer.

Inej let out a gasp, Jesper looked around in amazement and shock at your voice that had echoed out of the darkness and Kaz swore his heart jumped out of his chest in alarm and relief with overwhelming emotion that he could not describe.

“How would you describe her, Mr. Brekker? Beautiful? Intelligent? Resourceful?” your voice asked from the distinct darkness as Kaz had tried to look around trying to search where you possibly might be hiding.

Kaz had muttered “Disobedient.”

The killer who was one of the new Dregs grinned maniacally “Then you know what I want, don’t you, Silvertongue?”

You had answered as you had taken down one man through the darkness “I believe I do.”

The killer was maniacal at this point as he called out for you as he flashed his knife with a grin when you had appeared out of nowhere and hit the killer with a large brick on his head making the killer fall onto the floor in an unconscious heap as you had rolled your eyes at the killer “Moron.”

You had saved Inej, Jesper and Kaz in time much to their relief. Kaz had seen enough proof that you were worthy of being in the Dregs and offered you a position of the spy in part of the Dregs. You had accepted and from then on, the Crow Club and the Slat had become your home. You had become a loyal ally, a talented spy who was excellent at your job and a close friend to Kaz. Soon Kaz trusted you with the most important missions that you completed brilliantly, valued you as an important part of the Crows and began to see you as a close friend who he liked.

Kaz prided himself on being someone who had a control over his emotions. After all, he was the most feared man in Ketterdam and his stoic and cold nature required a certain level of control. But when Kaz was with you, he felt something warm flood within him whenever you smiled at him reassuringly and teasingly, he found himself becoming a boy who craved to feel the flutter of his heart whenever you laughed at his dark and dry sense of humor, the reassurance he felt when you stayed up late with him planning heists and cleaning messes after parties. He found his eyes searching for you in the crowded Crow Club and lingering on you for a moment too long as he gazed at your charming and charismatic demeanor that enchanted him. He found your company enjoyable as both of you walked the streets of Ketterdam from the harbor to the marketplace to the Slat and you chatted enthusiastically about anything on your mind as he found himself listening in fondness as he memorized the expressions of your face. He looked forward to the nights where both of you would sit on the roof together gazing at the view of Ketterdam and looking up at the stars as you both shared bottles of whisky and laughed and confided your insecurities, wildest dreams, deepest secrets and untold thoughts to each other as he felt a connection of understanding and trust he had never felt with anyone else.

Kaz remembered when one day Jesper had dragged him to one of his games where they had to disguise themselves and fool as many Dregs as possible. Kaz and you had been friendly competitive rivals as Kaz promised to beat you in the game. But he had been destroyed when he had only managed to fool two Dregs and you had managed to fool around ten Dregs with your disguise and cover story.

Kaz walked toward you who was drinking as he scowled “I blew it. I only got through two Dregs.”

“Woah! I got to ten.” you had replied with a playful and sympathetic grin as you looked at him.

“I can’t believe I lost this stupid game! I was so excited for this. What happened?” exclaimed Kaz as he sat next to you wearing a scowl as he looked completely frustrated.

“Well, maybe you being excited is what happened. Like every time we’re planning heists, you’re always super intelligent, you take your time, you stay calm and examine every possibility. But every time we do dumb games like this, you get excited and act like a crazy idiot. My advice... don’t act like a crazy idiot.” you replied with an insightful and thoughtful smile as you looked at Kaz with a soft glimmer in your eyes.

Kaz was surprised at your answer that made him think because it made sense at how perceptive and true it was “Thanks. That was surprisingly wise.”

“Yeah well, motherhood really opens a woman’s eyes. I finally feel as if I’m finally part of something bigger than myself.” you had dramatically said as you touched your fake pregnant belly that was part of your disguise in the game while Kaz rolled his eyes at you and slapped the fake belly in exasperation.

You placed a protective hand on your fake belly as you gasped dramatically “Hey don’t you dare touch Kazper Jr! That’s right! It’s your baby!”

Kaz had to stop himself from laughing outright as he played along “Are you saying I knocked you up?”

“You sure did!”

Kaz liked it when you were with him. With the rest of the world, he knew you were a gold rush. Everybody wanted to have a taste of you and wanted to know what it would be like to love you. Kaz couldn’t keep his eyes off you because you were an inviting temptation as you flirted and talked with the people with such charismatic and charming sweetness that he felt a flicker of twisted jealousy that crushed him. But when you were with Kaz, though you still teased him with that charming twinkle in your eyes, you displayed a soft sense of vulnerability you never showed to the rest of the world. There was a softness and sweet sincerity in you that you gave Kaz that you never showed the rest of the world and before he could stop himself, Kaz had opened himself and showed his deepest and darkest parts baring himself vulnerable and you had accepted and loved him unconditionally.

Kaz knew he felt something special for you, something that he never felt for anyone else and something that he couldn’t afford to feel for you in this world. In this world, sentiment was the greatest weakness and it would be used against him by the countless number of enemies who he had made on his way to greatness. So he tried to keep a distance from you as much as he could but there were times he was just drawn to you and he couldn’t stop himself from indulging in your company and worrying about you.

Before the Ice Court, Kaz had promised Nina that he’d keep an eye on Matthias. So as he searched for Dregs who could infiltrate Hellgate, befriend Matthias and protect him, you had volunteered eagerly. But Kaz had turned down your suggestion feeling something akin to terror of losing you to the darkness and cruelty of Hellgate but when he realized that there was no one else he could truly trust and that you were not backing down from this assignment, he had reluctantly sent you into Hellgate to spy on Matthias. Your absence had been absolutely maddening as the Slat felt cold and empty without you and he worried about your wellbeing in Hellgate. When the chance to break into the Ice Court had arrived, he had seized the opportunity to break you out along with Matthias.

Kaz remembered when he had reunited with you after your year in Hellgate. You looked completely different, grown up as if you had lived through darkness and survived to tell the tale. But the kind twinkle in your pained eyes was still there as Kaz finally caught up with you and found himself smiling genuinely in relief as he had said “Can I get a free woman a drink?”

The grin you had given him reassured his heavy heart that despite the pain you had endured, you were still completely in sync with him as you said the words he had wanted to say “I missed you, Kaz Brekker.”

You had been by his side through the Ice Court Heist and watched him take down Pekka Rollins as he enjoyed his vengeance on the man who had destroyed his life.

Kaz remembered the aftermath of celebrations when they had overthrown Pekka Rollins and taken Ketterdam to themselves. He had stood with bruises that didn’t seem to hurt but felt victorious and triumphant as he heard Nina, Inej, Wylan, Matthias and you celebrate with Jesper who announced loudly to the Dregs.

“Alright everyone! Pekka Rollins is history, we are absolute legends and we can finally walk freely around Ketterdam!” exclaimed Jesper in an absolutely celebratory mood, feeling blissful as he looked at the Crows who were grinning madly “Who wants waffles?”

You had grinned at Jesper’s infectious mood but had approached Kaz who was staring out of the window at the view of Ketterdam as you looked at Kaz “Hey, you alright? You did it. You finally got your vengeance on Pekka Rollins.

Kaz’ lips twitched into a small smile as relief and victory blossomed in his chest at his accomplishment and looked at you curiously because he knew if you didn’t have such faith and optimism, he couldn’t have done it “How do you do it Y/N? Keep hoping. Hope is dangerous and it clouds your judgement. And yet after everything you’ve gone through, after everything that happened, everything I did... how did you still manage to hope that it could all work out?”

You smiled gently as your eyes gleamed knowingly and sincerely as you looked at him softly “Because of you. You don’t realize it, Kaz... but you’re actually the most hopeful person I’ve ever met.”

Kaz’ eyes widened as his breath hitched at her unexpected words that he was completely taken aback by as he stared at you in disbelief and surprise seeing only the truth and kindness etched on your face as you said honestly “From the day you crawled out of that harbor having lost everything you ever loved, everyone assumed your place in the world was in the bottom as the weak and lonely, a boy who was defined by loss. But you wished for more. You dared to dream and hope as you worked to climb your way up and gain the power. You dared to hope to succeed in the craziest heists and became someone who everyone feared. You dared to hope to bring down the man who was responsible for your brother’s death.”

Kaz felt breathless at how you saw him and you smiled at him brightly “Now it’s all over. You have your whole life ahead of you.”

Kaz’ lips curled into a soft smile as he looked at you hopefully “I guess in the end, there really is no end. Just new beginnings.”

You had tended to his injuries patiently with tenderness and kindness he did not deserve. You had saved his life countless times from taking your first gunshot that was meant for him and committing your first murder as you killed a man in cold blood to protect him.

You had stood by his side through every questionable decision and defended him when you disagreed with him. You had been loyal to him even when he had pushed you away and lashed out at you in a cruel manner. You weren’t afraid to pushing and telling him when he was wrong and cruel with the stubborn and fiery look in your eyes. You had seen his lawless demons and dangerous ghosts that haunted him but had understood him and helped him work through it. You had seen him as the darkest demon who was dangerous and cruel and yet loved the monster within him. You knew about how he struggled with touch from the very beginning but never questioned or mocked it but simply allowed Kaz to take it slow as he started it with simple fleeting brushing of shoulders to soft fingers interlocking with each other and holding hands to the feeling of being close to you without drowning in the waters.

You were unlike any other woman he had ever met.

Kaz sighed as he buried his head in his hands as he remembered when it all went wrong. He had an important mission that required him to retrieve information and steal a valuable documents from the vault hidden in a highly guarded mansion of one of the merchers in Ketterdam. The mercher had a reputation for throwing lavish parties to make connections and relationships so Kaz had decided to ask you to be his pretend wife so they could disguise themselves as guests and get into the vault.

Kaz’s eyes had flickered toward you when you had entered into his office. He had pretended to be busy but the truth was you had a way of making him painfully aware of every breath you took and every smile you flashed as you brought a warm light into his cold life and he informed you of what he needed. You had grown completely silent and your smile had vanished slightly concerning Kaz who raised his eyebrows at you waiting for your answer.

“No.” you had replied curtly and crisply as you had looked away from Kaz. “Ask Inej or Nina. Or -”

“Y/N... I want you.” Kaz had replied softly as he had slipped out of his seat and stood in front of you “You and I work well together. We make a good team together. And you are the only one I trust for this.”

His gloved fingers had brushed against yours as he looked deeply at you waiting for your answer and you had surprised him as you smiled at him warmly as red dust scattered on your cheeks and you replied “Ask me properly and I might say yes.”

Kaz had smiled genuinely as he watched you walk away. Later, you were working late into the night with him as both of you were looking through information on a mercher that Kaz wanted to rob. Both of you dug into boxes of information that you had found of books, letters, documents, and photographs of the mercher’s life. As Kaz and you sat side by side enjoying the comforting silence of the moment, and Kaz found a photograph of two lovers laughing on the porch of their old house. It felt hard to explain but in that photograph, he saw himself and you living that life.

You had looked over at him with a small smile as your eyes flickered at the photograph “They look very happy. They must have loved each other very much.”

Kaz looked at you and he felt time stand still as he couldn’t find the right words to describe how he felt in that moment with you as he felt breathless staring into your enchanting and warm eyes and finally broke the silence as he asked “Y/N, do you want to dance with me?”

You had blushed but your smile was answer enough as you had accepted his gloved hand. Kaz’ lips twitched into a smile as he felt your hand rest upon his gently and your other arm holding onto his shoulder gently as he ran his hand softly along your waist and placed it on the small of your back. His breath hitched as he looked at your tender and sweet eyes that twinkled brilliantly as both of you began to dance around the room to the slow and romantic music echoing from downstairs as the rain splattered outside.

At first, Kaz hated that he was nervous and clumsy tripping over himself and stepping on your toes. He was the Bastard of the Barrel who had humiliated and overthrown Pekka Rollins and now ruled Ketterdam inspiring fear with intimidation and violence and yet he couldn’t properly dance with the girl he possibly liked.

You had grinned brightly much to Kaz’ mortification at his mistakes as he stepped on your toes once again and you offered “Hey, do you want me to teach you how to do this so you don’t hurt me or possibly yourself?”

Kaz had flushed a bright red in mortification as he had nodded “Yes.”

“Hold your back straight. Now you will lead and I will follow. And now one, two, three...” you began softly with a tender and encouraging smile as you let Kaz guide you across the floor and much to his surprise as Kaz followed the gentle hum of your words, Kaz found himself dancing without causing you any grievous injuries.

Kaz felt his breath hitch and his heart race as he danced with you smoothly and his eyes flickered down to ensure his feet were not going to hurt you when you instructed him gently “Look into my eyes. Dancing is seeing one another for who they really are, understanding and trusting each other. That’s why I love it.”

Kaz had looked into your eyes and had seen you who had always been there for him through thick and thin and had changed him in the most unimaginable ways as he murmured softly “I see you.”

You had sucked in a breath as your eyes had grown wide but you had smiled softly and joyfully “You dance incredibly.”

“All because I have a talented teacher.” replied Kaz smoothly with a soft smile as he spun you around as you chuckled.

Kaz had never felt so light-hearted and happy as he spun you around and held you in his arms as both of danced perfectly together in harmony. Kaz knew it felt foolish to give in so easily to how he was feeling but in this moment, he didn’t care as light and humor danced in his eyes feeling weightless, all the burdens and worries he carried washed away as he held you in his arms as you glowed in happiness and laughter.

Kaz felt free and weightless laughing in delight as you spun him around as you laughed in amusement, breaking rules of dancing but he didn’t care because he knew this moment with you was right and wanted this forever. He couldn’t let go of this perfect moment where the stars had aligned and everything felt just good to be true as Kaz spun you around and dipped you down, his hand supporting your back, stopping you from falling. You held onto his shoulder trusting him to hold you and never let you fall and break. Kaz pulled you up once as you held onto his gloved hand and his nose brushed against your forehead swaying to the soft and romantic song echoing through the Slat as both of you stayed like that for what seemed like an eternity.

“Y/N...” murmured Kaz as his eyes fluttered open, memorizing every inch of your face and committing you to memory afraid you would vanish if he let you go “Will you marry me and make me the happiest man on earth?”

Your heart rate escalated through the roof and your eyes had widened in surprise as you stared at him in speechless amazement as he took out a ring that had a crow with a R engraved on it as he held your hand tightly in his “Marry me, Y/N and be my partner in crime for life.”

Kaz saw you chuckle and smile at him as you nodded “Yes. I’ll be your partner in crime for life, Kaz Brekker.”

“Kaz Rietvald.” confessed Kaz softly, his voice barely a whisper as he looked at you vulnerably “Kaz Rietvald is my real name. The name of the boy who came to Ketterdam with hopes of making it with his brother. The name of the boy who died in the harbor that day.”

You had looked at him with understanding and sincerity as he swallowed a lump of emotion and confessed “But when I’m with you... I feel like Kaz Rietvald once again. The boy who believed in magic and beauty of the world.”

“Kaz...” you had murmured as you looked at the ring that held great meaning for you now and then at Kaz with so much you wanted to say to him but he shook his head as he placed a soft and fleeting kiss on your hand.

“Y/N...” he whispered as he slipped the ring onto your hand with his own trembling hands and then placed a sweet and tender kiss on your forehead “You are the reason.”

The reason that he was alive. The reason that he still felt alive. The reason that he looked forward to waking up every day. The reason that he paid attention to all the magical little things you did. The reason he felt worry whenever you were hurt and wounded. The reason that he dared to dream once again.

From there on, Kaz had felt connected to you in a way that he hadn’t before. He had wanted to practice perfecting the image of pretending to be an engaged couple so he encouraged both of you to do little things that couples do. But it was easy to forget that Kaz was pretending when he hid sincere love notes inside your room, replaced the wilting flowers in your room with your favorite flowers and left little gifts for you. It was easy for Kaz to forget that you were not his to lose when he found little notes filled with jokes and small affirmations inside his files, his favorite books annotated with your thoughts and sentences highlighted that reminded you of him, flowers pressed to the pages.

It was easy to get lost in the act of being your husband when he exchanged knowing and lingering glances with you in secret, whenever he would feel the twisted dark feeling of jealousy when he saw any man look at you in the wrong way, when you bought coffee made exactly how he liked it in the mornings and when he was working late. It was easy to forget that you weren’t his lover when both of you worked late until night, your head resting on his lap as he ran his hand through your hair smiling down at you as you read your books, when he listened to you play the violin, when he shared meals with you and cuddled with you relishing the comfortable silence and teasing each other and confiding his secrets in you.

It was easy to forget that you were not his wife when he had seen you laughing in amusement, your eyes gleaming brightly and his lips had met yours passionately and tenderly as time stood still and his heart beat violently out of his ribcage when you had kissed him back with equal tenderness and desire. It was easy to forget that this was all just an act when he would indulge in the pleasure of nipping your earlobe and placing a trail of kisses from your cheek to your neck and collarbone taking his time to taste you and feel your body tremble underneath his touch.

It was easy to forget it all because you were easy to fall in love with deeply and madly until it was too late for him to back out.

When the day came for the party, he had dressed up and you appeared in front of him making him speechless as his eyes widened because you were a breathtaking sight to behold. You were wearing an off the shoulder satin long emerald green dress that hugged your curves perfectly. You were wearing simple pearl earrings, your hair braided into loose waves and your cheeks pink and your lips ruby red as you smiled at Kaz.

Kaz had placed his hand on the small of your back as he guided you away and whispered into your ear “You look beautiful.”

You had blushed when you felt his lips brush against the nape of your neck as you squeezed his hand gently “You don’t look so bad yourself”

At the party, everyone was full of admiration for Kaz and you as a couple. Kaz and you socialized with the crowd of aristocrats, merchers and businessmen as you charmed them with your signature charisma that got enough information for Kaz. Though Kaz was not much of a social creature, he observed you morphing into the form that you needed to take in order to charm and lure your target into giving you what you wanted.

As the time drew near for them to rob the vault, Kaz and you were talking with a few ladies and gentlemen who were very impressed with the both of you, the affectionate and loving couple and one woman had asked Kaz how he knew you were the one for him.

Kaz had frozen at the question but his panic had disappeared as soon as it had come as he tightened his arm around your waist as he replied to his surprise with the truth of his heart “She makes me laugh. She’s smart, kind and funny and accepting of who I am. She’s truly the kind of woman who comes once in a lifetime. She’s beautiful and impossible. The way we got here was unexpected. But no matter how I think about it... we were meant to be. And the more time I spend with her, I know that I don’t want to lose her.”

Everyone cooed over the answer but you had frozen at Kaz’ answer as you looked at him in amazement and surprise but Kaz didn’t meet your eyes. The lady was insistent on knowing what you liked so much about Kaz that you knew you had to marry him. You wanted to hit that woman with the tray of champagne because she was putting you in a very awkward position at the moment.

“He is... well, one night we were just gazing at the stars and talking when I looked over at him and it struck me that he is my closest friend. He’s awesome, intelligent, strong, brave and protects those who he cares about. How could I not want to be with him?” you had replied easily and sincerely with a tender and sweet smile shocking Kaz who had not expected such an answer that sounded terrifyingly real.

Both of you had escaped the crowd and made it to the vault in time. You had distracted the guards while Kaz broke into the vault and took what he needed. Both of you were on the verge of an escape when both of you heard footsteps heading your way. Kaz had looked at you with desperation and desire as he had pushed you against the wall but before you could say anything, his lips were moving against yours passionately and fiercely, roughly and hungrily devouring you as his hands explored your body and sparks flew within him as you kissed him back with fierce passion and overwhelming emotion as you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer toward you.

Kaz couldn’t stop. He knew what he felt for you was a weakness. And if anything, you felt the same way about him too. And Kaz was secretly ecstatic that you felt the same way toward him. But Kaz had realized as he broke into the vault, he was a criminal. He was Kaz Brekker, the King of Ketterdam, the Bastard of the Barrel who had no weakness and who could not afford to love anyone. Kaz had realized the true harsh reality that he could never love you the way you deserve to be loved. He was not a man made for love. He was a monster created for chaos and cruelty. And you were weakening him, bringing his softer and vulnerable side that he had hidden from the world for so long. He couldn’t let it happen. As Kaz kissed you, he kissed you goodbye as he held you in his arms trying to keep you with him for a bit longer but he knew he had to end it before the world ended him.

The guards who had been patrolling cleared their throats when they had seen you and Kaz and you had narrowly escaped their scrutiny and attention as a very handsy couple. When both of you had left the party, Kaz hardened his heart ignoring your pleasant conversation and then your inquiring questions. It didn’t take you long to notice this sudden change in Kaz who had grown cold and distant from you.

“Kaz!” you had snapped as you shoved him getting his attention “What is wrong with you? What’s going on?”

“Y/N... I’m not your fucking husband, so stop nagging me!” snarled Kaz harshly, the softness in his eyes completely gone as he looked at you coldly “It’s over. We completed our mission. I got what I needed.”

Kaz started walking away because he didn’t want to see your fallen face when he heard your trembling voice speak up “Is that it?”

“Is that what? Did you think this was real? It was just a game... part of a mission.” replied Kaz coldly, his eyes flashing with harshness as he began to break the one thing he was falling in love with.

“Don’t. Don’t you dare. I don’t believe you. I know you feel the same way I do, Kaz.” you had replied with a trembling and shaky voice that you tried to keep strong as you looked at him with a pained expression “You - please don’t do this. You can’t just do this to us and then run away from all these feelings because you are scared.”

“Scared? Y/N, I don’t love you. You are an investment to me.” replied Kaz cruelly and harshly shoving down the voice screaming that he was lying as he glared at you. “You are nothing to me!”

You remembered how safe you felt with Kaz and how he had always assured you that you belonged and had a home with him as you felt everything you thought you knew burn once again into ashes as your heart shattered into pieces at the words carelessly and brutally uttered by Kaz and you sucked a breath as you looked at him in disbelief and heartbreak “You don’t love me?”

Kaz answered with cold silence that rang loudly among both of you and he could hear your heart shattering into pieces and had to hold onto looking at how your once bright and happy face now fell into an expression of shocked disbelief and pained suffering as you tried to understand how your world could quickly fall apart. Kaz couldn’t bear to look at your pained expression any longer so he decided to walk away from you, to leave you alone and save himself from the pain.

“I don’t believe you. Two hours ago, at that party, you wanted me. You were in love with me, Kaz. All these months, you made me believe we could share something special.” you called out, your voice shattered and hurt but there was a sliver of spite and anger in it that stopped him within his tracks as he closed his eyes and stiffened because he was losing you because this had to end “But we can never be that because you put yourself above everyone and within you is -”

“Is what? A cold monstrous dark dead heart?” snapped Kaz clenching his jaw as he turned around to look at you with a dark and cold look in his eyes as he thought of how everything they had built up on a shaky ground was now falling apart “I thought you knew better by now. I don’t have a heart, Y/N.”

“Who knows? Because you never show anyone who you are!” you had spat out with tears in your eyes as you looked at Kaz with hurt and pain. “You aren’t letting me in, Kaz!”

“Nothing good comes from loving people! Everyone leaves in the end. I intend to live my life knowing that I have no weakness that my enemies will not exploit against me and knowing that I have no one who loves me mourning for me when I’m gone wishing every single moment that I would come back for them!” yelled Kaz fiercely, his eyes flashing with powerless reminiscence of a destroyed childhood and suffering that had made him monstrous as he looked at you knowing that he couldn’t afford to love you, not when he was weakened with you, not when he could never give you peace.

“Well then, I love you! Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” you had screamed at him hysterically, tears rolling down your eyes as you felt nothing but piercing heartbreak and completely broken at how casually cruel and brutal he was being breaking you into pieces.

Kaz’ breath hitched as he froze at your confession, his heart skipping a beat traitorously with hope and happiness but he collected himself reminding himself that both of you could never have a shot in the dark because he was too damaged to be loved by you as his lips curled into a cruel sneer “You disgust me! It’s too bad for you that I don’t love you. That you didn’t make the cut into my heart. Why would you do that to yourself?”

“You - you shouldn’t have let me in! You shouldn’t have made me feel safe with you! You shouldn’t have made me feel like I belong with you and the Dregs are my home!” you had snapped in unbearable pain that burned every inch of you as you gasped through a broken sob and looked at Kaz who looked so pretty like the devil through the tears as you slapped him “Because now it’s far too late!”

Kaz felt the sting of the slap but your words lashed across his heart more than the pain of the slap. He clenched his jaw as he felt his heart bleed in unbearable pain as he looked at you in hurt and wistfulness. He wanted to take back all his cruel words that broke you and crumpled you but he knew he couldn’t do that.

And as Kaz looked at you, he wanted you more than anything in the world. More than all the kruge and the most beautiful paintings and precious jewels that he spent his life chasing to steal. Kaz was painfully aware of the aching desire he had to call you only his and to come home to your bright smile and tender heart every single day. Kaz wanted more than anything to hold your hand through life and death and to love you with all your scars and bruises and protect you from the rest of the world. Kaz had never felt this kind of powerful love and aching desire for anyone in his life, the kind that made him want to live each moment and love fearlessly. He wanted you so much that he was afraid that what he shared with you could bring him back to life as Kaz Rietvald or break him down.

Kaz loved you. Kaz had so much love inside him that he wanted to give you but he was terrified of how much you meant to him and what he would do to the world if you ever were hurt. As Kaz looked at the moonlight shining upon you, Kaz believed in Saints who had created the most perfect punishment fitting for him. For he was a monster, and it was only fitting for a monster never to hold and have what he loved the most in this world.

Kaz felt you sense his reluctance and desire for you as you took his hand in yours and caressed his cheek gently as he was hypnotized by your tender eyes as he stared at the one that he loved and dreamed of as you softly and earnestly confessed “Kaz...I know you are scared. I’m terrified too. But I want you. I love you with all your flaws and scars, Kaz. Don’t give up on us. So let’s stop pretending and do this for real.”

Kaz’ breath hitched as he leaned toward you, drawn in like a moth to a flame. He could feel your breath fanning against his cheek as he inhaled in your intoxicating perfume and felt your hot skin against his lips that longed to kiss you. His eyes fluttered shut and his heart was racing inhumanely as his mind forgot to remind him that you were a bad idea. You were an addiction he couldn’t yet give up on and wanted more and more until he was completely satisfied. Kaz had an inkling he would always be wanting more of you as his hand held the nape of your neck wondering how something that was so rationally wrong could feel so perfectly right.

He did not ask for this. He did not ask for you in his life. You were beautiful, intelligent, dynamic, wonderful and brighter than fireworks in the night sky. Kaz did not ask to be plagued by these feelings for you, to be driven to distraction every time you entered a room.

“Say you want me like I want you maddeningly.” your voice whispered as your breath fanned his cheek, and Kaz couldn’t breath or think as he was lost in his storm of feelings for you as his lips lingered close enough toward yours eager to taste you.

But your words jolted him from this madness as he took a deep breath and stumbled back from you, realizing that he had been giving into his weaknesses and he breathed heavily trying to compose himself. What had he been thinking? What was he doing? This wasn’t fair and - this wasn’t right. Kaz ran his hand through his hair as he convinced himself that this wasn’t love, this was a distraction, a fleeting infatuation that would pass with time. You were not going to be his destruction. Kaz felt a bitter taste in his mouth as he convinced himself that he was not the one for you. You deserved someone better, someone who was not broken and damaged who would only bring you down.

“I don’t love you. You were a pleasant distraction from my work.” replied Kaz firmly and coldly as his heart cried out at the lie but he knew it had to be done as he looked you in the eye “This isn’t a fairytale, Y/N. I am your employer and you are my Dreg. So stop being delusional and be what I need you to be and do what I need you to do.”

Then it had taken everything in Kaz to walk away leaving you alone in the dark, the masterpiece of what they had torn apart as you felt alone, tears of heartbreak and pain running down your cheeks.

It hadn’t taken long for everyone else to notice what had gone wrong between you and Kaz. Both of you had been inseparable, never one without another and now both of you were distant and apart. Kaz kept his distance coldly and cruelly from you refusing to listen and talk to you as you tried to fight for them again and again and the brightness in your eyes began to fade away slowly as you wondered where you had gone wrong as you sat in the dark choking on your sobs dying inside of pain and heartbreak.

Kaz didn’t know that you were trying to hold onto him as you stayed in your room. After a while, you stopped coming to see Kaz but your presence lingered with him as he heard you play the violin, vulnerable, soft and sad, melancholy heart tugging and heart breaking melodies that would float through the Slat down to the streets. The melodies you played were piercingly agonizing, beautifully emotional and reminded Kaz every single moment of the memories he had shared with you, the unconditional joy he had felt in your presence and now the sorrow that ached within him at your absence as tears sprung into his eyes. He wasn’t the only one affected by your emotional performances. One of the most toughest Dregs who was violent had burst into tears when he had heard you performing a heartbreaking farewell song.

One day, Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer as he quietly walked toward your room as his eyes fell on you facing the window playing an achingly sad and sweet melody that touched Kaz’ cold heart feeling that your melody was a breathtaking story that never got a happy ending.

“Is it a sad song?” asked Kaz softly as he lingered at the door, his eyes full of sadness and curiosity when you had finished playing and he noted that you didn’t look surprised at his presence.

“Nothing is sad until its over. Then everything is.” you replied quietly and contemplatively, your eyes full of grief and heartbreak as you looked at him with a sliver of hope in your heart.

Kaz had felt a lump of emotion swell up in his throat as he tried to speak but he was too lost in your eyes that mirrored how he felt and you took a step toward him “Kaz... I just wanted to say -”

“Y/N - I just came to say it’s enough.” said Kaz clearing his throat and taking hold of himself as he took on the coldness and harshness against you who looked slightly confused “Enough of your melancholy whining and playing the violin! It’s a headache and distracting all of us from doing important things.”

Kaz had watched you freeze in shock at his order, your eyes burning bright in disbelief and hurt and Kaz knew it that you loved playing on your violin. Your violin was the most precious possession in the world to you and you would never give up your violin to save yourself. You loved playing music on your violin more than anything in the world and to hear Kaz order you to stop playing the violin was an equivalent to ordering you drown yourself and kill yourself.

The despair and grief in your eyes flashed into cold anger as you gripped your violin protectively “You once looked me in the eyes and told me that you would be by my side until the end. But it’s wonderful to see that you are okay being a liar who wants everything to revolve around you. I guess my pain - the pain you caused is such an imposition to you.”

“Y/N... I’m sick of you! So please stop playing the violin! If you so much as play a note on that stupid thing, I will burn it!” exclaimed Kaz who had felt anger that derived out of guilt and self - loathing as he glared at you with lightning in his eyes.

Kaz saw you were paralyzed with shock at his cruel words that he suddenly regretted as he looked at your grief-stricken expression but he didn’t want to stay and dwell on it as he turned away but as he took a few steps away from you, he heard you say in disappointment and sadness “I thought you might be different than the rest of the monsters in this world. But I guess you are all the same.”

Kaz had frozen but before his anger could get the best of him, he had marched to his office. You had looked down at the streets of Ketterdam that were haunted by your father who had come before you, your brother who you had lost to the cruelty of this city and the one person you had always felt like you belonged in this godforsaken city had abandoned you making you feel unspeakably lonely and terrified, unbearably heartbroken and hurt. You had been the phoenix in this city rising from the ashes every single time they burned you but you were getting tired of rising and fighting like it was nothing. Kaz had dealt the final blow.

When Nina had offered to take you with her, you had not hesitated. Kaz had been surprised that you had accepted and something in him wanted to stop you from leaving to Ravka. But he stayed silent as you packed your bags and left for Ravka with Nina without saying goodbye to him as he had the deadly sinking feeling that he was losing you.

Kaz had expected that he wouldn’t miss you at all. After all, it was good that you were far away from him as possible and it would give him time to move from this disaster. But the air was thick with loss and indecision as he realized the truth of the saying that you never knew what you had until it was gone. Kaz had thought your absence would only satisfy him and give him the satisfaction that he was right all along.

But Kaz had been completely, utterly, tragically wrong.

Because after you had left, everything seemed empty and wrong to Kaz. Your absence could be felt in every single vein in Kaz’ body and your absence taunted him as he felt the little things about your presence in his life. His office that had once been full of light and warmth, a place of shelter from the cruelty of the world where he shared sacred moments of sincere smiles and easy conversations with you had now become cold and dark, empty of your vivid intelligence and easy laughter that lit it up as Kaz stared frozen at the blueprints, maps, documents, contracts that didn’t make any sense to him any longer. Your scent of sharp jasmine and comforting pages of books lingered on his pillow that he buried his head into every night trying to hold onto you as he missed you terribly. Kaz missed your incredible intelligence and imagination that saw the world through different eyes and observed things that everyone else missed. Kaz felt your absence ache terribly at the lack of beautiful, magical and lovely music that you would play on your violin during the most random and inconvenient times of the day when you needed to think. Kaz missed the little things from the little soft and knowing smile you had reserved only for him, the midnight conversations that made them smile and cry, the afternoons you would come back from your favorite café to share coffee and pastries with him, your furrowed brow when you were focused on sketching, and the playfulness and childlike innocence you exuded brightening his life.

Kaz couldn’t bear your absence that echoed in this godforsaken city of Ketterdam. Ketterdam, the city that used to be a reminder of Jordie was now driving Kaz mad by screaming your name everywhere Kaz went. Kaz couldn’t walk past and live in this city of blood that was now haunted by you as he was reminded of you in each place from your room that used to be scattered with papers, books and boards that were marked with ongoing investigations but now was empty of activity, the marketplace you frequented bargaining with the vendors driving them to despair, the bookshops in the University District you lingered in for long hours, the Crow Club where you laughed and drank with the Crows sharing intimate and secret glances with Kaz, the library where you loved to read losing track of time, the waffle house where you and Nina loved to eat waffles, the hot chocolate stand where you and Kaz would always buy and drink hot chocolate after a heist or a job or whenever they passed it by, the crowded canals where you liked to sit and sketch landscapes of Ketterdam, the harbor shore where you liked to run into the sea and jump around in the waves childishly and freely and the bar your friend Steve owned where Kaz had first met you.

Your seat at the table was empty and no one in the Dregs dared to sit on it. Everyone in the Dregs missed you too. Jesper didn’t frequent the Slat often and when he did was restless and anxious, Wylan was quiet and thoughtful as he worked on his bombs but when something went wrong, he would be frustrated and once snapped in anger at one of the innocent newly recruited Dregs because no one else except you understood him and his love for inventions. Inej prayed daily to her Saints to keep you and Nina safe, posted letters all the Crows and the Dregs wrote to you, sent you little trinkets, and tidied your room replacing the wilted flowers and arranging it. Matthias would try to raise everyone’s spirits as he reminisced of good times with you making everyone smile and laugh and encouraging the Dregs to keep going but inside he was worried for your wellbeing since you were the first friend he had from Hellgate until now.

Kaz also was subjected to high sass levels of incredibly frustrated and angry intelligent, skilled and protective teenagers and your friends in the Dregs who were first seen by you and touched by your kindness to them in the streets and were forever in your debt for giving them a home and a purpose. This was the worst punishment yet for hurting you and he wished that he had never done anything to you because the revenge from the kids and friends in the Dregs who loved you was worse than any humiliation he had been subjected to.

He had once come down in the morning to get coffee but the last of the coffee was taken by the dark haired, sassy kid called Hari who had marched into the kitchen completely covered in blood as he held an axe and glared at Kaz as he marched away with the jug of coffee, never letting Kaz get coffee at any given moment. The red head named Betty who was completely mad at Kaz had arranged to deliver the most distasteful cakes that tasted horrible to him every single day with the most hurtful and imaginative sayings on the top ranging from ‘IT’S GARBAGE DAY. CAN’T BELIEVE THEY HAVE A WHOLE DAY DEDICATED TO YOU’, ‘SORRY YOU ARE SUCH A HATEFUL BITCH’, ‘YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS A JOKE’, and a cake with a middle finger on it that said ‘YOUR LOSS’. There were three kids named Tony, Sabrina and James who helped you with your investigations and whenever Kaz ordered them to do anything, they would defy him sassily by shrugging him off and not taking him seriously. There were two twins named Rob and Hal who pranked Kaz every single day after he had broken your heart, nearly driving Kaz crazy but Kaz could never trace the prank back to them but Kaz knew it was them when they smirked in amusement whenever they saw Kaz covered with glitter and pink confetti or Kaz’ hair completely blonde and purple. The curly haired boy named Joe who you had given all your waffles to on that terribly hungry day would replace Kaz’ gloves with brightly colored, crazily patterned leather gloves, hide Kaz’ documents in places where Kaz couldn’t find them, replace Kaz’ coats with bright and colorful coats, redecorate Kaz’ cane into silly shapes and replaced Kaz’ perfume with a spray that made Kaz smell like rotten eggs for days. A medik you trusted and had taken into the Dregs named Hungyun would sharpen his blades and recite facts about surgeries and how to dispose of a body whenever Kaz passed him by so Kaz avoided him all together.

Matthias who had noticed Jesper’s restlessness, Wylan’s frustration, Inej’s worry and the Dregs’ sass had gathered them for a project to cheer you up by making an album about how much you meant to them and soon all of them enthusiastically joined in the creative venture. The only thing that calmed all the Dregs and Crows from starting a revolution was your letters to them that kept them happy that you were doing fine.

Kaz received your letters and he read them the moment he received them. You wrote so beautifully about Ravka and how it was so different to Ketterdam. Every letter was a piece of you that he clung onto as he read it over and over again, tracing your elegant yet messy handwriting full of enthusiasm and sadness as you described everything in vivid detail, put down your own thoughts and confessed how much you missed him and couldn’t forget him no matter how hard you tried. Kaz tried to write back but every time he tried to write, words failed him as emotions overwhelmed him because he didn’t know where to start and he knew if he wrote back and really confronted how he felt, he would be giving into weakness. He couldn’t afford to be weak. So he wrote the letters he wanted to write to you secretly and locked it away and read your letters over and over again never sending you a response hoping that in time you would forget him.

But the thought of losing you terrified him. Because that was kind of heartbreak time could never mend. Kaz could never feel this kind of love for anyone again and though he was adamant in holding onto strength of not giving into his weakness, he never wanted you to leave him for another because it petrified and terrified him. He could never walk the streets of Ketterdam again if you were not by his side.

Kaz knew he had to do something when he dreamed of you and started seeing visions of you in broad daylight. The first time Kaz had seen you in broad daylight was when he was supervising the Crow Club and he had seen you laughing in the Crow Club and you winked at him with that charming and knowing manner that always made him blush and his eyes widened in wonder and disbelief because he couldn’t believe you had come back so soon but then you vanished. Kaz had blinked in confusion realizing that he had hallucinated you but that was just the beginning. When Kaz had been walking down the street, he had heard you call out his name cheerfully and his heart had soared in traitorous hope as he swerved to look in the direction where he heard your voice and saw that it was you with your sweet disposition and bright eyes running toward him with wind in your hair and his knees had almost given out but then the vision of you disappeared as a girl ran past him to hug her lover behind him. Kaz tried to shut you out but you were impossible. You were in his head and you didn’t leave. He saw you sitting in his office looking at him in disappointment and anger, tears of sadness rolling down your cheeks as you begged him to love you.

Kaz couldn’t bear it any longer. Kaz didn’t care how long Nina had said she would be gone with you. Kaz needed you with him. Kaz wanted you with him because he couldn’t live without you since this was hell. Kaz pulled out a new paper and wrote a letter to you ordering you to come back home to him because he couldn’t live like this any longer. He hoped that once you got the letter, you would not hesitate to come back.

After all Ketterdam was your home. Ketterdam was where you belonged. Ketterdam was where he was. There was nothing special tying you to Ravka.

As Kaz sent the letter, he looked at the sun setting down on the horizon and muttered with all the sincerity and piercing agony in his heart as he remembered the rare masterpiece he shared with you, remembered you all too well “I miss you, Y/N. Come back to me.”

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262 notes · View notes

jakeperalta · 1 year

Photo

we were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go as if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home

buddie + cornelia street for @singlethread 💖

664 notes · View notes

sunsetkerr · 7 months

Text

Y/N L/N BREAKS DOWN 'CORNELIA STREET' | s.kerr

summary: you breakdown the story behind and the lyrics of your song 'cornelia street'. [1k words]

pairing: singer!reader x sam kerr

notes: classic genius video

[STUDIO; PALE PINK BACKGROUND, Y/N SITTING]

Y/N L/N: Hi, I'm Y/N L/N and today I'm breaking down my new single 'Cornelia Street'.

'CORNELIA STREET: THE BREAKDOWN'

[CORNELIA STREET INSTRUMENTAL PLAYS IN THE BACKGROUND]

[STUDIO; PALE PINK BACKGROUND. Y/N SITTING, A SMILE ON HER FACE]

Y/N L/N: I wrote this song about my girlfriend, Sam and how we kinda came to be? I guess? It's about realising how much a newer love means to you and how much it could ruin you.

[INSTRUMENTAL PAUSES]

Y/N L/N: Well.. that was a little dramatic, wasn't it?

'WE WERE IN THE BACKSEAT DRUNK ON SOMETHING STRONGER THAN THE DRINKS IN THE BAR // "I RENT A PLACE ON CORNELIA STREET" I SAY CASUALLY IN THE CAR'

[STUDIO; PALE PINK BACKGROUND. Y/N SITTING, A SMILE ON HER FACE]

Y/N L/N: These lyrics reference one of the first times that I ever met Sam. She was in London and playing for Chelsea, I was there co-writing with another artist at the time and we were introduced by some mutual friends. We ended up in an Uber together after a night out and she asked what I was doing in the UK, and I told her about a little apartment that I rented at the time.

[CUTS TO A CLOSER SHOT OF Y/N'S FACE]

Y/N L/N: She soon became very very well acquainted with that apartment.

'WE WERE A FRESH PAGE ON THE DESK FILLING IN THE BLANKS AS WE GO // AS IF THE STREET LIGHTS POINTED IN AN ARROWHEAD LEADING US HOME'

Y/N L/N: Sam and I weren't really sure what we were doing at the time, if it was official or not, we were making it up as we went really. She's got a super busy schedule, her workload is very demanding. That was something we both came to terms with very quickly in our little 'will they, won't they' situation.

[CUTS TO Y/N HOLDING UP A POLAROID OF SAM POINTING TO THE 'CORNELIA ST' STREET SIGN]

Y/N L/N: I think we were really lucky that my schedule wasn't super hectic at that point in time, because I'm not sure how we would've managed it (CHUCKLES). Now we've been together for nearly two years, we've worked out a system.

'AND I HOPE I NEVER LOSE YOU, HOPE IT NEVER ENDS, I'D NEVER WALK CORNELIA STREET AGAIN // THAT'S THE KIND OF HEARTBREAK TIME COULD NEVER MEND, I'D NEVER WALK CORNELIA STREET AGAIN'

Y/N: This part is my favourite.

[CLIPS OF SAM FILMED ON A SUPER-8 FILM CAMERA, Y/N IS FILMING. SAM IS LAYING ON THE COUCH LOOKING OVER TO Y/N, SHE WAVES SHYLY FROM HER SPOT UNDERNEATH A GREY THROW BLANKET]

Y/N L/N: It's pretty self-explanatory to be completely honest. I don't plan on losing her anytime soon.

[B-ROLL FOOTAGE; SAM SITTING ON A CHAIR BEHIND THE CAMERA, WATCHING Y/N SPEAK. A BIG SMILE ON HER FACE]

'AND BABY, I GET MYSTIFIED BY HOW THIS CITY SCREAMS YOUR NAME // AND BABY, I'M SO TERRIFIED OF IF YOU EVER WALK AWAY'

Y/N L/N: I had never watched football before Sam... like, ever. I wasn't a fan, I had no interest in it. So when we started dating she took me to my first ever game and I watched her play again Man City. The crowd just loved her (Y/N SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISBELIEF). I never realised how much Sam could hold thousands of people in the palm of her hand. They adore her.

[CLIPS OF Y/N ON THE BIG SCREEN AT A CHELSEA GAME, PANS TO SAM ON THE PITCH, SMILING UP AT THE FOOTAGE]

Y/N L/N: It was funny because.. we had just gotten back from flying from.. somewhere? who knows. but Sam had gotten in the morning of the game and the crowd did this chant. It was 'even with jet lag, she's better than you' (LAUGHS).

[CLIP OF THE CROWD CHANTING 'EVEN WITH JET LAG SHE'S BETTER THAN YOU'. SAM TURNING AROUND TO LOOK AT THE CROWD SHYLY]

Y/N L/N: I mean it's true (SHRUGS). I was so taken aback by how much they all just loved her, but now whenever I sit in the crowd section, I make sure we chant it... it's my favourite.

'BACK WHEN WE WERE CARD SHARKS, PLAYING GAMES, I THOUGHT YOU WERE LEADING ME ON // I PACKED MY BAGS, LEFT CORNELIA STREET BEFORE YOU EVEN KNEW I WAS GONE'

Y/N L/N: There was a moment before Sam and I officially got together that I almost.. ran away? kinda.

SAM (OFFSCREEN): Kinda?!

Y/N L/N: (LAUGHS ALONG WITH THE CREW) I did, I completely did. I for some reason just got really nervous that she wasn't as serious about it. I had lots of conflicting feelings at the time, but Sam was very quick to get me back on track and make me realise what the important things were.

'BUT THEN YOU CALLED, SHOWED YOUR HAND, I TURNED AROUND BEFORE I HIT THE TUNNEL // SAT ON THE ROOF, YOU AND I'

Y/N L/N: She fixed it all, as she does. Sam is very good at that.

[CLIP OF Y/N AND SAM KISSING OVER THE BARRIER OF CHELSEA'S HOME GROUND]

Y/N L/N: She fixes everything.

'YOU HOLD MY HAND ON THE STREET, WALK ME BACK TO THAT APARTMENT. YEARS AGO, WE WERE JUST INSIDE // BAREFOOT IN THE KITCHEN, SACRED NEW BEGINNINGS THAT BECAME MY RELIGION, LISTEN'

Y/N L/N: I don't stay at Cornelia Street anymore, Sam and I live together now when we're both in London. We went back before I wrote this song and it was so surreal to realise that someone else was now in that apartment.

[PHOTOS OF Y/N AND SAM FADE ONTO THE SCREEN, ALL FROM INSIDE THE CORNELIA STREET APARTMENT]

Y/N L/N: We spent so much time in that apartment it was like our first home together. Really it was just a place for us to spend our down time. I love that apartment and I try to go back every time I'm in London... which is a lot. So, thanks to Cornelia Street for having me and thank you to Sam for having me.

[CUTS TO A CLOSE UP OF Y/N]

Y/N L/N: I'm very lucky.

#one shots . * • .#sam kerr x reader #sam kerr imagine #sam kerr one shot #woso imagine #woso one shot #woso x reader

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petruchio · 1 year

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taylor swift is actually so insane for putting dbatc right after cornelia street on the tracklist. she closed the first half of the album with cornelia street and then opened the second half with dbatc. and its particularly insane theyre actual mirror images of each other. "drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar" becomes "i get drunk but it's not enough" and then "as if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home" becomes "i ask the traffic lights if it'll be alright they say i don't know" and then "we were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go" becomes "if the story's over, why am i still writing pages?" and then "windows flung right open" becomes "i look through the windows of this love, even though we boarded them up" and then "i get mystified by how this city screams your name" turns into "the only thing we share is this small town" and she just expected me to deal with that? like. okay.

#caroline speaks #taylor swift #whenever i think about lover i just get mad like she was DOING something. and she threw it all away for fucking me and yntcd #but like. she wrote a song that says youve touched my life in a special way and im afraid if it ends i could never escape that #and then the next song is: someone left me and i cant find a part of my life that they didnt touch #like fuck. okay

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snowysakusa · 5 months

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going down the brocedes rabbit hole pretty quickly, so i decided to make a taylor swift playlist-

can i call this a brocedes fic with taylor swift lyrics? cause it kinda is just that... anyway lets get down to it.

okay how about:

invisible string Cornelia Street Sweet Nothings Maroon champagne problems tolerate it coney island peace exile All Too Well (10 Min) The Archer The Great War Say Don't Go this is me trying You're Losing Me my tears ricochet Breathe Is It Over Now? The Way I Loved You I Bet You Think About Me Now That We Don't Talk

Here's the 'story'

1. invisible string / like a prologue (lewis' version perhaps)

Time, curious time Gave me no compasses, gave me no strings Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All long there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? Time, mystical time Cuttin' me open, then healin' me fine Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons, wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you (...) Time, wondrous time Gave me the blues and then purple pink skies And it's cool, baby, with me And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me?

unrelated to this narrative but: Cold was the steel of my axe to grind For the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents (literally lewis sending presents to nico's daughters, i screamed)

2. Cornelia Street / Lover song, can't imagine it ending, prologue 2 (nico's version)

We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home (...) Memorize the creaks in the floor Back when we were card sharks, playing games I thought you were leading me on I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street Before you even knew I was gone But then you called, showed your hand I turned around before I hit the tunnel Sat on the roof, you and I (...) Walk me back to that apartment Years ago, we were just inside Barefoot in the kitchen Sacred new beginnings That became my religion, listen I hope I never lose you I'd never walk Cornelia Street again Oh, never again (...) That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend

3. Sweet Nothings / Beginnings, sweet nothings leading them on

I spy with my little tired eye Tiny as a firefly A pebble that we picked up last July Down deep inside your pocket We almost forgot it Does it ever miss Wicklow sometimes? They said the end is coming Everyone's up to something I find myself running home to your sweet nothings Outside, they're push and shoving You're in the kitchen humming All that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing Industry disruptors and soul deconstructors And smooth-talking hucksters out glad-handing each other And the voices that implore, "You should be doing more" To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it

4. Maroon / They're loosing themselves here, the start of hurting each other

The burgundy on my T-shirt when you splashed your wine into me And how the blood rushed into my cheeks, so scarlet, it was The mark you saw on my collarbone, the rust that grew between telephones The lips I used to call home, so scarlet, it was maroon When the silence came, we were shaking blind and hazy How the hell did we lose sight of us again? Sobbin' with your head in your hands Ain't that the way shit always ends? You were standin' hollow-eyed in the hallway Carnations you had thought were roses, that's us I feel you no matter what The rubies that I gave up

5. Champagne Problems / consequences, mellowness, public view of their feud

You booked the night train for a reason So you could sit there in this hurt Bustling crowds or silent sleepers You're not sure which is worse Because I dropped your hand while dancing Left you out there standing Crestfallen on the landing Champagne problems You had a speech, you're speechless Love slipped beyond your reaches And I couldn't give a reason Champagne problems Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me" How evergreen, our group of friends Don't think we'll say that word again And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls That we once walked through One for the money, two for the show I never was ready, so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "She would've made such a lovely bride What a shame she's fucked in the head, " they said But you'll find the real thing instead She'll patch up your tapestry that I shred

6. tolerate it / nico pov, he's had it, begging for acknowledgement

I sit and watch you reading with your head low I wake and watch you breathing with your eyes closed I sit and watch you I greet you with a battle hero's welcome I take your indiscretions all in good fun I sit and listеn While you were out building other worlds, where was I? Where's that man who'd throw blankets over my barbed wire? I made you my temple, my mural, my sky Now I'm begging for footnotes in the story of your life Drawing hearts in the byline Always taking up too much space or time You assume I'm fine, but what would you do if I Break free and leave us in ruins Took this dagger in me and removed it Gain the weight of you then lose it Believe me, I could do it If it's all in my head, tell me now Tell me I've got it wrong somehow I know my love should be celebrated But you tolerate it

7. coney island / lewis pov, doesn't understand what changed, grief towards the relationship

Break my soul in two looking for you But you're right here If I can't relate to you anymore Then who am I related to? Did I close my fist around something delicate? Did I shatter you? And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering, "Where did my baby go?" The fast times, the bright lights, the merry-go Sorry for not making you my centerfold Do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care? 'Cause we were like the mall before the internet It was the one place to be The mischief, the gift-wrapped suburban dreams Sorry for not winning you an arcade ring And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium I think that I forgot to say your name When the sun goes down The sight that flashed before me was your face When the sun goes down But I think that I forgot to say your name Over and over

8. peace / decisions and confessions

Our coming-of-age has come and gone Suddenly the summer, it's clear I never had the courage of my convictions As long as danger is near And it's just around the corner, darling 'Cause it lives in me No, I could never give you peace All these people think love's for show But I would die for you in secret The devil's in the details, but you got a friend in me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace? And you know that I'd swing with you for the fences Sit with you in the trenches Give you my wild, give you a child Give you the silence that only comes when two people understand each other Family that I chose, now that I see your brother as my brother Is it enough? But the rain is always gonna come if you're standing with me Would it be enough if I could never give you peace?

9. exile / conflict within themselves

I can see you standing, honey With his arms around your body Laughin', but the joke's not funny at all I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before I can see you starin', honey Like he's just your understudy Like you'd get your knuckles bloody for me I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending I'm not your problem anymore So who am I offending now? You were my crown Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before So I'm leavin' out the side door So step right out, there is no amount Of crying I can do for you All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

10. All Too Well (10 Min) / Recap of everything that went down, trip down memory lane, receipts for combat (11. the archer)

And I, left my scarf there at your sister's house And you've still got it in your drawer even now And I can picture it after all these days And I know it's long gone and that magic's not here no more And I might be okay but I'm not fine at all You almost ran the red 'cause you were lookin' over at me Your cheeks were turning red You used to be a little kid with glasses in a twin-sized bed And your mother's telling stories 'bout you on the tee-ball team You told me 'bout your past thinking your future was me 'Til we were dead and gone and buried Check the pulse and come back swearing, it's the same After three months in the grave And then you wondered where it went to as I reached for you But all I felt was shame And you held my lifeless frame And I know it's long gone and there was nothing else I could do And I forget about you long enough to forget why I needed to 'Cause there we are again in the middle of the night We're dancing 'round the kitchen in the refrigerator light And there we are again when nobody had to know You kept me like a secret, but I kept you like an oath And maybe we got lost in translation Maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there I remember it all too well And you call me up again just to break me like a promise So casually cruel in the name of being honest I'm a crumpled up piece of paper lying here 'Cause I remember it all, all, all Too well They say all's well that ends well But I'm in a new hell every time You double-cross my mind The idea you had of me, who was she? A never-needy, ever-lovely jewel Whose shine reflects on you That's what happened: You You who charmed my dad with self-effacing jokes Sippin' coffee like you're on a late-night show But then he watched me watch the front door all night Willin' you to come And he said: It's supposed to be fun Turning 21 Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again But I'm still trying to find it But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence And it smells like me You can't get rid of it 'Cause there we are again when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there I remember it all too well And did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you too? 'Cause in this city's barren cold I still remember the first fall of snow And how it glistened as it fell I remember it all too well Just between us, did the love affair maim you all too well? Just between us, do you remember it all too well?

11. The Archer / pre-climax

Combat, I'm ready for combat I say I don't want that, but what if I do? 'Cause cruelty wins in the movies I've got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you Easy they come, easy they go I jump from the train, I ride off alone Dark side, I search for your dark side But what if I'm alright, right, right, right here? I wake in the night, I pace like a ghost The room is on fire, invisible smoke And all of my heroes die all alone Help me hold onto you I've been the archer I've been the prey Screaming, who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? Can you see right through me? They see right through me I see right through me All the king's horses, all the king's men Couldn't put me together again 'Cause all of my enemies started out friends Help me hold onto you I've been the archer I've been the prey Who could ever leave me, darling? But who could stay? You could stay Combat, I'm ready for combat

12. The Great War / self explanatory, climax. screaming, crying, throwing up (but well see 13 & 14)

My knuckles were bruised like violets Sucker punching walls, cursed you as I sleep-talked Tore your banners down, took the battle underground And maybe it was ego swinging You drew up some good faith treaties I drew curtains closed, drank my poison all alone You said I have to trust more freely But diesel is desire, you were playin' with fire And maybe it's the past that's talkin' Screamin' from the crypt Tellin' me to punish you for things you never did So I justified it It turned into something bigger Somewhere in the haze, got a sense I'd been betrayed Your finger on my hair pin triggers Soldier down on that icy ground Looked up at me with honor and truth Broken and blue, so I called off the troops That was the night I nearly lost you I really thought I lost you There's no morning glory, it was war, it wasn't fair And we will never go back To that bloodshed, crimson clover Uh-huh, the worst was over My hand was the one you reached for All throughout the Great War Always remember Uh-huh, we're burned for better I vowed I would always be yours 'Cause we survived the Great War

13. Say Don't Go / turnaround

I've known it from the very start We're a shot in the darkest dark I'm standin' on a tightrope alone I hold my breath a little bit longer Halfway out the door, but it won't close I'm holdin' out hope for you to Say, "Don't go" I would stay forever if you say, "Don't go" Now I'm pacin' on shaky ground Strike a match, then you blow it out Oh no, oh no, it's not fair Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Make me want you (make me want you)? Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Give me nothin' back? Why'd you have to (why'd you have to) Make me love you (make me love you)? I said, "I love you" (I said, "I love you") You say nothin' back Why'd you have to lead me on? (Oh) Why'd you have to twist the knife? Walk away and leave me bleedin', bleedin'? Why'd you whisper in the dark Just to leave me in the night? Now your silence has me screamin', screamin' go" I would stay forever if you say, "don't go" But you won't, but you won't, but you won't

14. this is me trying / nico, post-retirement-ish, rough patch, regrets

I've been having a hard time adjusting I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting I didn't know if you'd care if I came back I have a lot of regrets about that I just wanted you to know That this is me trying They told me all of my cages were mental So I got wasted like all my potential And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad I have a lot of regrets about that I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here Pouring out my heart to a stranger But I didn't pour the whiskey And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (...) At least I'm trying

15. You're Losing Me / the end, melancholy, relationship finale pt.1, friends? we're not friends vibes

You say, "I don't understand, " and I say, "I know you don't" Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? I'm getting tired even for a phoenix Always risin' from the ashes Mendin' all her gashes You might just have dealt the final blow Stop, you're losin' me I can't find a pulse My heart won't start anymore For you 'Cause you're losin' me How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'? I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick And the air is thick with loss and indecision I know my pain is such an imposition And you know what they all say You don't know what you got until it's gone How long could we be a sad song 'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life? I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier Fighting in only your army Frontlines, don't you ignore me You're losin' me Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me I can't find a pulse My heart won't start anymore

16. my tears ricochet / the final blow, relationship finale pt.2, dead and gone and buried

If I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes too Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me? 'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you 'Til my dying day And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake? Cursing my name, wishing I stayed Look at how my tears ricochet You know I didn't want to have to haunt you But what a ghostly scene You wear the same jewels that I gave you As you bury me I didn't have it in myself to go with grace 'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want, just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones I didn't have it in myself to go with grace And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same Cursing my name, wishing I stayed You turned into your worst fears And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain Crossing out the good years

17. Breathe / cause and effect, acceptance

I see your face in my mind as I drive away, 'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way But it's killing me to see you go after all this time Now I don't know what to be without you around And we know it's never simple, Never easy Never a clean break, no one here to save me You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand, Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve And sometimes it doesn't work out, Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out I can't, Breathe, Without you, But I have to, Breathe, Without you, But I have to

18. Is it Over? / resentment, bitterness, both sides, in your face type of vibes

I slept all alone You still wouldn't go And did you think I didn't see you? There were flashing lights At least I had the decency To keep my nights out of sight Only rumors 'bout my hips and thighs Was it over then? And is it over now? When you lost control Red blood, white snow Blue dress on a boat Your new girl is my clone Let's fast forward to three hundred awkward blind dates later If she's got blue eyes, I will surmise that you'll probably date her You dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor You search in every model's bed for something greater Oh, Lord, I think about Jumping off of very tall somethings Just to see you come running And say the one thing I've been wanting But no

19. The Way That I Loved You / reminiscing, flashbacks

He is sensible and so incredible And all my single friends are jealous He says everything I need to hear, and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better He respects my space And never makes me wait And he calls exactly when he says he will He's close to my mother Talks business with my father He's charming and endearing And I'm comfortable He can't see the smile I'm faking And my heart's not breaking 'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all And you were wild and crazy Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated Got away by some mistake and now I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain It's 2 a.m. and I'm cursing your name I'm so in love that I acted insane And that's the way I loved you Breaking down and coming undone It's a roller coaster kind of rush And I never knew I could feel that much And that's the way I loved you

20. I Bet You Think About Me / again with the reminiscing of the past, their lives, a bit of knife digging in the wound, I bet you think about me while thinking about them, double sided sword there

3 a.m. and I'm still awake, I'll bet you're just fine Well, I tried to fit in with your upper-crust circles Yeah, they let me sit in back when we were in love Oh, they sit around talkin' 'bout the meaning of life And the book that just saved 'em that I hadn't heard of But now that we're done and it's over I bet you couldn't believe When you realized I'm harder to forget than I was to leave And I bet you think about me You grew up in a silver-spoon, gated community Glamorous, shiny, bright Beverly Hills I was raised on a farm, no, it wasn't a mansion Just livin' room dancin' and kitchen table bills But you know what they say, you can't help who you fall for And you and I fell like an early spring snow The voices so loud sayin', "Why did you let her go?" Does it make you feel sad That the love that you're lookin' for Is the love that you had? Now you're out in the world, searchin' for your soul Scared not to be hip, scared to get old Chasing make-believe status, last time you felt free Was when none of that shit mattered 'cause you were with me I bet you think about me in your house With your organic shoes and your million-dollar couch I bet you think about me

21. Now That We Don't Talk / they still check in on each other, instead of talking, the end

You went to a party I heard from everybody You part the crowd like the Red Sea Don't even get me started Did you get anxious though On the way home? You grew your hair long You got new icons You didn't have to change But I guess I don't have a say I call my mom, she said that it was for the best Remind myself the more I gave, you'd want me less I cannot be your friend So I pay the price of what I lost And what it cost I don't have to pretend I like acid rock Or that I'd like to be on a mega yacht With important men who think important thoughts Guess maybe I am better off Now that we don't talk And the only way back to my dignity Was to turn into a shrouded mystery Just like I had been when you were chasing me Guess this is how it was to be Now that we don't talk

i tried to make this short- i tried and did not succeed.

when i listen to songs i see stories and i connect them, all that jazz. I saw this.

i apologise to everyone who's normal about brocedes, im not apparently.

#brocedes #f1 #lewis hamilton #nico rosberg #im not okay #that post that went this narrative fits both nico and george kinda killed me dead gone died #brocedes edit #mine #i think i hallucinated this whole thing tbh #my ramblings

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butchermybigheart · 2 months

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TS Eras Tour Mash-Ups Braindump

You All Over Me x Clean — no amount of freedom gets you clean, i've still got you all over me → like a wine-stained dress i can't wear anymore

Maroon x Clean — the burgundy on my t-shirt like the wine you splashed into me → you're still all over me like a wine-stained dress i can't → hung my head as i lost the war and the sky turned black like a perfect storm → that's a real fucking legacy to leave

The Moment I Knew x Lover — we could leave the Christmas lights up till January, this is our place we make the rules → Christmas lights glisten / i've got my eye on the door, just waiting for you to walk in

The Moment I Knew x Hits Different — what do you say, when tears are streaming down your face in front of everyone you know → i trace the evidence make it make some sense why the wound is still bleedin' → standing there in my party dress in red lipstick with no one to impress → don't need another metaphor it's simple enough

Hits Different x mad woman — is that your key in the door? is it okay it is you? or have they come to take me away? → there's nothing like a mad woman (what a shame she went mad) no one likes a mad woman (you made her like that)

Death By A Thousand Cuts x Paper Rings — paper cut stings from our paper thin plans → i'd marry you with paper rings

Death By A Thousand Cuts x exile — you said it was a great love, one for the ages → i think i've seen this film before, and i didn't like the ending → but if the story's over, why am i still writing pages? → i think i've seen this film before, so i'm leavin' out the side door

closure x Death By A Thousand Cuts — don't treat me like some situation that needs to be handled, i'm fine with my spite and my tears and my beers and my candles → my time, my wine, my spirit, my trust / trying to find a part of me you didn't take up / gave you too much but it wasn't enough

Cornelia Street x Death By A Thousand Cuts — we were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go / as if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home → i take the long way home, i ask the traffic lights if it'll be all right / they say, "i. don't. know."

happiness x Cornelia Street — when did your winning smile begin to look like a smirk? → i don't wanna lose you, hope it never ends → when did all our lessons start to look like weapons pointed at my deepest hurt? → i'd never walk cornelia street again

happiness x mad woman — i hope she'll be a beautiful fool, who takes my spot next to you / no, i didn't mean that, sorry, i can't see facts through all of my fury → every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy, what about that? and when you say i seem angry, i get more angry

Haunted x Cold As You — oh, i'm holding my breath, won't lose you again, something's made your eyes go cold // i've never been anywhere cold as you / you never did give a damn thing, honey, but i cried, cried for you / and i know you wouldn't have told nobody if i died, died for you → something keeps me holding on to nothing

Say Don't Go x Sad Beautiful Tragic — i'm standin' on the sidewalk alone, i wait for you to drive by / i'm tryna see the cards that you won't show / i'm about to fold unless you → kiss me, try to fix it / could you just try to listen?

hoax x False God — your faithless love's the only hoax i believe in → but we might just get away with it, religion's in your lips, even if it's a false god (we'd still worship)

hoax x the lakes — i want auroras & sad prose → don't want no other shade of blue but you // you know i left a part of me back in new york. you knew the hero died, so what's the movie for? you knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart → a red rose grew up out of ice frozen ground with no one around to tweet it / while i bath in cliffside pools, with my calamitous love and insurmountable grief

the lakes x I Know Places — i'm setting off, but not without my muse → and you know for me it's always you (i know places)

Come In With The Rain x I Almost Do — i'll leave my window open 'cause i'm too tired at night to call your name → i hope you know that every time i don't i almost do → i've watched you so long, screamed your name, i don't know what else i can say → oh, we made quite a mess, babe / in my dreams you're touching my face and ask me if i wanna try again with you → i could go back to every laugh, but i don't wanna go there anymore

I Almost Do x All You Had To Do Was Stay — i bet it never, ever occurred to you that i can't say "hello" to you and risk another goodbye → i've been picking up pieces of the mess you made

Begin Again x King Of My Heart — and i want to talk about that, and for the first time what's past is past → is this the end of all the endings? my broken bones are mending, with all these nights we're spending up on the roof with a school girl crush

Babe x Forever & Always — i break down every time you call. we're a wreck, you're the wrecking ball → 'cause it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong, it rains when you're here and it rains when you're gone / 'cause i was there when you said, "forever and always"

Question...? x Is It Over Now — did you leave her house in the middle of the night? → baby, was it over when she laid down on your couch? → did you wish you put up more of a fight when she said it was too much? → was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? → did you wish you could still touch... her? → "come here," i whispered in your ear in your dream as you passed out, baby - was it over then? and is it over now? → it's just a question!

Dress x "Slut!" — inescapable, i'm not even gonna try / and if i get burned, at least we were electrified → but if i'm all dressed up, they might as well be lookin' at us / and if they call me a slut, you know it might be worth it for once

Mary's Song x Timeless — a few years had gone and come around / we were sitting at our favourite spot in town / and you looked at me, got down on one knee → you're always gonna be mine / i'm gonna love you when our hair is turnin' gray / we'll have a cardboard box of photos of the life we've made / and you'll say, "oh my, we really were timeless"

#the eras tour #taylor swift #ts #surprise song guesses #i'm literally just thinking aloud pls feel free to add to this if anyone wants

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andichoseyou · 4 months

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#taylor swift #taylor swift poll #polls #my polls

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deathofpeaceofmiiind · 3 months

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high infidelity | twenty one

"I rent a place on Cornelia Street", I say casually in the car. We were a fresh page on the desk, filling in the blanks as we go. As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead leading us home

*Ellie's POV* A few days later…

I was finally back up in Vancouver and with Liam, I missed him so much and being with him gave me a sense of stability. Tyler put the house up for sale and it sold on the same day which was incredibly lucky but very normal for Vancouver real estate. Liam and I have just been staying with my dad for the time being, which my dad enjoyed. Danielle even found me a condo and I was getting ready to move into it already. I had to admit this transition period in my life was going a lot easier than I expected. I had such an incredible support system that made it even better.

“I can’t believe this place is mine.” I mused as I walked around my new home. It was right in the heart of Vancouver, bright open layout, lots of windows, a large patio, and even better it had three bedrooms so Liam could have his own space and I could still have a guest room. Danielle looked over at me at smiled, “It’s all yours babe, time for a fresh start.” “Absolutely.” I mused, still not believing I was finally out of that house and didn’t have to walk on eggshells. I could decorate it the way I wanted, adopt a cat if I wanted, put my Christmas tree up early without someone bitching in my ear. Hell I could drink wine and dance around naked if I wanted to. “When does the furniture arrive?” “Tomorrow.” I had taken some of my money from the house selling to get new furniture, cause I wanted nothing from the house in here besides Liams room. Danielle and I were gonna mirror it to his old room to help him with the transition. “It was nice of them to leave this couch.” “This couch is fucking sick.” Danielle agreed, it was a giant cloud couch that almost wrapped around the whole living room. I couldn’t wait to have Noah and the guys up here to hang out and have family dinners or even football Sunday’s with them. I went to check on Liam, but as soon as I did my phone buzzed, it was a text from Noah. “Special delivery at your front door.” I raised my eyebrow and walked towards the door. My footsteps felt heavy the closer I got, I checked the peephole, but he wasn’t on the other side of the door. Filled with confusion I swung the door open and saw a giant bouquet of ivory roses. My heart skipped a beat, they were my favourite. How did he know?

I grabbed my phone and face-timed Noah, he answered and saw me with the flowers,“Congratulations on your new home baby.”

I blushed as I stared at the screen, he was sitting in his home studio as his favourite Naruto hoodie hugged his body. “Thank you these are gorgeous.” “I thought you deserved a house warming gift.” “I’ll never say no to flowers. Are you happy to be home?” I replied as I sat down on the floor in my empty bedroom, completely consumed by Noah’s voice. Funny how a few short years ago I found comfort in his voice on Twitch and now he’s FaceTiming me daily, it was something out of a teenage dream. “I am.” He replied as he scanned his room. “It’s just missing something.” Rolling my eyes, already knowing the answer, “hmm, what could that be?” “You, obviously.” His smile faded and turned into a small pout, “I miss you so much, Ellie.” My heart sunk as it hit me that he really wasn’t here with me, but he was in another country. At least we were in the same timezone but it still wasn’t enough. “I miss you too, Noah.” “I actually have a question for you.” He started. “We upgraded to a bigger venue tomorrow and the remaining tickets sold out quickly so we added a second show the night after. I was wondering, if you’re able, do you want to come down for the second show?” “I’d love to Noah.” A smile appearing on my face, “I want to see what your life is like down there. Only thing is, I’d have to fly down the day of the show. Liam goes back to his dad’s tomorrow after dinner.” He smiles at me through the screen, “Works for me.” “I can’t wait to see you.” I stopped myself, every cell in my body wanted me to tell him I loved him. I wanted to tell him, but over the phone just didn’t seem right. “I can’t wait to see you either.” He was cut off by his doorbell ringing. “What are your plans tonight?” “Inhale this ramen that just arrived and watch more Demon Slayer.” His dark eyes burned a whole into my heart as he looked at me, “Isn’t your boyfriend so exciting?” “Very.” I chuckled. “I can’t wait to see you.” “Once this tour’s over I’m coming up to stay with you with no interruptions okay? I gotta go though, Jesse might steal my food.” He replied, referring to his roommate Jesse Cash, who was also in a band called Erra. Noah started to walk out his room and I could hear him yelling at Jesse to not go to the door. Jesse told him to get fucked and went anyway. “Goodnight babe.” I hung up and I just sat there, feeling tears in my eyes. How can I have so much going for me but I feel deflated? I didn’t want to feel like this. I didn’t want to be this attached to him this fast but he made it impossible, especially with how he’s been so devoted to me. This felt like the cruelest way to fall in love, but I knew it was something I would have get used to with his career. “Mama?” I looked up, Liam walked into the room and towards the flowers. I smiled at him as I wiped the tears from my eyes, he caught me and walked over to me. It amazed me that even at his age he felt my sadness and wanted to make me feel better. He crawled onto my lap and hugged me, putting his head on my shoulder. I held him close to me as I felt more tears escaped my eyes. It can only get easier from here…right?

#fanfic #bad omens #noah sebastian

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luna-writes-stuff · 1 year

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Day 15: Cornelia Street, Sam Winchester

Song link

Fanfic, fem!reader

Follows pilot episode, fluff, slight angst

Word count: 4177

Tw: mentions of alcohol/being drunk, slight pilot divergence. Azazel is a little bitch. Mention/description of violence and blood, but nothing too severe. Stanford!Sam my darling <3

Summary: In which you buy your first house with Sam. However, domestic bliss seems to fade quickly when his brother shows up in your home one night, ranting about their father missing.

s1 sam has my heart pls bring him back

“We were in the backseat Drunk on something stronger than the drinks in the bar.”

The best feeling after a long night of partying and drinking, was the drunken serenity that was the backseat of a cab. All noise of the night simply faded away. It was peaceful; quiet. Something so beautiful about it.

Beside you, Sam was giggling to himself, clinging to your hand constantly. He hadn’t heard you utter an address to the cab driver, nor had he picked up on your tiny grin. He was lost in his own world. You smiled at him, holding his hand up and placing a kiss on it to draw his attention. A happy grin was thrown your way as Sam shuffled on the backseat, seating himself closer to you as he rested his head on your shoulder.

“‘M proud of you, baby.” You whispered, referring to his earlier test results, and his talk with a law firm.

Sam mumbled something under his breath. Something that you could decipher as “You’re beautiful.” Yes, he was completely gone. You knew that fourth drink hadn’t been a smart decision for him.

Houses flew past you as the car moved through streets and roads, the lights of street lanterns illuminating your face occasionally. Sam’s eyes stared out the window, silent realization dawning upon him.

“This isn’t the way home.”

“"I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car.”

You smiled at him, stroking his hair gently. You grabbed a key from your jacket's pocket, placing it on his lap slowly. In his drunken state, he was still able to pick up on the gesture. Toying with the key, his fingers fell over the keychain.

“I bought a place for us,” You spoke up. “We have been talking about it for ages, and we won’t get anywhere with our tacky apartment.”

It was true; You and Sam had been living together for a couple of months now, but everything in your apartment seemed to degrade with time. First, it was the lights, then it was the heating, and now you kept receiving brown water. You both knew buying a new place would be cheaper than fixing your current one.

A look of disbelief crossed over Sam’s features as he stared at you. His eyebrows furrowed together, his eyes squinted, his hair unkempt, a sliver of a smile on his lips. Despite the awful smell of alcohol on his breath, he looked adorable.

“What?” He mustered out.

“It was supposed to be a gift for tonight, but I kind of forgot after all the drinking.” You explained, grinning sheepishly. “Suprise…”

“We were a fresh page on the desk Filling in the blanks as we go As if the street lights pointed in an arrowhead Leading us home.”

After that, the house became a home soon enough. Before the first month was even over, the entirety of the living room and kitchen had been decorated. Even your bedroom has been done. Little boxes were still stacked in the hall, but none that were terribly in the way.

Sam had been clingier than you were used to. Ever since the move, he had been following you around like a lost puppy, helping you with the littlest things, such as giving the toothbrushes a place. The first week the only breakfast you had was in bed, and nearly every night, a warm bathtub was ready for you.

Sam had insisted on paying back half of the home, but you refused, claiming it had been a gift for him. Perhaps that had been why he was following you around constantly. It was his way of returning the favor.

The place was in a calm neighborhood, granting Sam the peace he needed to study. Sunny days were spent in the garden. During the rainy hours, you were snuggled up on the couch together. His nose in a book as your head lay in his lap, aimlessly zapping through tv stations.

It was something so domestic, you hadn’t expected to share it with Sam that soon. But you were glad you did.

“And I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

But the honeymoon avenue faded quickly. Too quick for your liking.

You had lain in bed peacefully, your back against Sam’s chest as he clung to your waist. His hands occasionally tugged on your stomach as he dreamt, his head in the crook of your neck. His breath tickling your neck could lull you to sleep at any time. But something was wrong this time. You knew it.

A loud thump was heard from downstairs. Your initial thought was that one of the boxes had fallen over. They tended to do that often. But when a silent sling of curses followed it, you were positive someone was downstairs.

Immediately turning in Sam’s arm, you whispered his name urgently. But he remained asleep.

“Sam,” You repeated, now poking his cheek. That seemed to wake him up.

“Mmh?” Came his groggy response. You had almost felt guilty for waking him. But when another thud echoed through the house, anxiety settled back in. Sam heard it too.

From his nightstand, he grabbed a gun. How that had gotten there, you would have to ask him later. Now, you were simply grateful he had it. Standing up swiftly, Sam neared the door, his footsteps near silent. You immediately followed him.

“And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

“Fucking boxes everywhere,” Another curse came as the door opened. Sam held his hand out to you, pushing you back slightly, keeping you out of sight from the hall. Your phone clung in your hand, ready to call 911 would the situation arise.

Sam got the gun off of safety, aiming it slowly as he stepped forward. Anxiously, you patted behind him, keeping your footsteps as silent as possible. As your boyfriend turned the corner, something jumped him. The gun fell out of his hold, a panicked shriek escaping your mouth almost instantly.

Idiotically enough, your first thought was not to call. It was to grab the vase next to you and knock it against the attacker. As the pair struggled on the floor, you raised the object, before colliding it with the back of the attacker’s head. It didn’t break as you had hoped, but it seemed to do the trick.

“Get back!” Sam warned, urging you to run into the bathroom. You obeyed him immediately, locking the door behind you. From the window above the door, you could see the light turn on. Silence filled the air, and for a second you were worried something happened to Sam. That is when his voice sounded.

“Dean?”

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

Now, that was a name you knew. You never met Dean, but you knew it was Sam’s brother. He talked about him often enough.

Slowly unlocking the door, you peeked out, your phone now opened at the emergency number. One click on the button and you could call. But when Sam did not seem to reach for the gun on the floor, you figured you were safe.

“Hey, Sammy.” Came Dean’s voice, his body now rising from the floor, his hand shooting to the back of his head. His eyes met yours, and in response, you walked closer to Sam, the hold on your phone now tight enough to smother it.

“What are you doing here? Why didn’t you knock?”

“I wanted to see if you still had it,” The older Winchester objected, hissing as he withdrew his hands. “Do you have a towel for me?”

You merely pointed towards the bathroom, letting him find it on its own. He seemed to understand you, and wandered to the room you had hidden in only seconds prior.

“How did you even find me? I moved here three weeks ago.”

“I searched Sam Winchester in the phone book after I noticed you weren’t in your old apartment.” He meekly pointed out, grabbing a white towel to hold to his head. If you had known him better, you would have scolded him for not using the black one. But you were still in too much of a shock.

“Windows swung right open, autumn air Jacket 'round my shoulders is yours.”

“That’s your girlfriend?” He mused, pointing to you. Sam squeezed his eyes together at his brother’s statement, and placed himself in front of you slightly.

“What are you doing here?”

Dean’s eyes shifted from yours to Sam’s, sighing deeply. “I think it’d be better to discuss it amongst four eyes.”

You couldn’t have agreed more. You had already taken a step from Sam when he grabbed your arm gently, halting you.

“No,” He rejected. “Whatever you can say to me, you can say to her.”

Dean remained silent for a moment, visibly contemplating his words. But as his eyes fell back on yours, he exhaled, throwing his head back.

“Dad’s on a hunt. And he hasn’t been home in a couple of days.”

No visible sign of distress seemed to wash over Sam’s face, and you were nearly confused. Dean continued to talk as you slowly kneeled to the floor, grabbing the gun that had still been laying there, safety off. Carefully, you clicked it back on, placing it on top of the tiny desk beside you.

The longer they talked, the more desperate Dean became. And the more you knew, you were going to lose Sam.

“We bless the rains on Cornelia Street Memorize the creaks in the floor.”

That same night he had his bag packed. His brother was waiting in the car outside. It had all happened so fast. You weren’t even sure how to respond anymore. Sure, you were concerned for his father, but from what you heard from Sam, he hadn’t been the best guy.

“I will call you when I get into a motel, okay?” Sam spoke softly, wrapping his arms around you as he pulled you into his frame. His head bowed down as he placed a kiss on top of your head.

Your hands found the back of his shirt, tugging on it gently. “Come back Monday?” You whispered into his chest.

“Promise,” He agreed, parting from you slightly, placing his lips against yours in a loving manner.

You kissed him back with equal fervor. Your arms wrapped around his neck as you pulled him closer, your hands finding the ends of his hair, tugging on them lightly. His hands settled on your hips, pulling you flush against him again, his kisses becoming more urgent.

Before you got carried away, you broke from him, showing him a fake, but believable smile.

“I’ll miss you,” You mumbled, grabbing his hands.

“I’ll be back before you know it.”

A final kiss was placed on your lips, before he walked out of the door, offering you a final wave. You had stood in that doorway minutes after the car left, secretly hoping Sam would make up his mind.

But he didn’t. He would stay away for the next couple of days.

“Back when we were card sharks, playing games I thought you were leading me on I packed my bags, left Cornelia Street Before you even knew I was gone.”

After the call from the motel, you barely heard anything from him. No text, no note, no letter. It was as if he had completely forgotten you. You had never doubted your relationship with Sam, but he seemed to go with his brother too easily. You hadn’t even met the guy once, and you knew Sam for at least two years now. Perhaps all he needed was that little nudge to his family.

And that wasn’t bad. Not at all. If anything, you had encouraged him to get in contact with his father again. But you figured you could have at least left with them. Or perhaps get more than a wave and a goodbye. But as the minutes turned into hours, insecurities began to bubble up, and the urge to call him every second became unbearable.

You had spent your nights downstairs on the couch, hoping to hear him the second he got back home. He promised to be back by Monday. It was Sunday night, and he had yet to call. He should have been back by now, right?

“But then you called, showed your hand I turned around before I hit the tunnel Sat on the roof, you and I.”

You had skipped school that Monday, staying home in case Sam would show up. Now, worry began to settle in your stomach. Perhaps something had happened? A car crash? Maybe they found his father and the worst-case scenario happened. And you were worrying about him not loving you? Guilt seeped through your veins at that thought.

It was 9 PM. You had yet to eat dinner. You had ordered fries, but they were turning cold on the coffee table in front of you. The news on the tv filled the room, but you weren’t paying attention. Your eyes were on your phone the entire time. Hoping for some kind of light. Anything, at this point.

Outside, you could hear the rumbling of a car slowing down, before coming to a halt in front of your door.

You shot up immediately, wrapping your cardigan around you tighter, before running up to the door. Through the tiny window, you were able to make out his frame. A sudden jump in your heart occurred, and you found yourself inhaling sharply upon the feeling. You had missed him more than you care to admit.

“I hope I never lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again That's the kind of heartbreak time could never mend I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

Before he could even find the key in his pocket, the door opened before him. Your hair disheveled, your posture tired. But you smiled immediately upon seeing him.

“Baby,” He sighed relieved, the events of the past couple of days finally fleeting his memory. His bag dropped to the floor as he walked up to you, wrapping two arms around you tightly, squeezing you lovingly.

Your hands fell upon his chest, clinging to the material of his shirt, as you so often did with his hugs. The scent of his cologne had faded significantly, but it was still there. Hidden, but not faded. Upon the realization, you took a step back, taking in his full figure. A cut was sitting on his left eyebrow, and a bruise began to form below it.

“What happened?” You whispered, already reaching up to touch it gently. “Are you okay?”

“I am now,” Sam reassured, reaching down to grab his bag again. “It’s cold.”

Nodding in agreement, you stepped back, giving Sam room to walk. He looked behind him shortly, sending a wave towards his brother, who took off driving.

“And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

The pillows and blankets covering the couch were the first things Sam noticed as he walked into the living room. As he walked closer to it, he found your phone sitting on its charger on top of the biggest pillow. It did not take long for him to connect the dots.

“Did you sleep here?”

You stared at the makeshift bed, shaking your head lightly. “Not yet.”

“Not yet?” His figure walked up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as his head rested on your shoulders. Almost melting in his hold, your hand found his, resting them on your stomach as your head leaned against his.

“It was getting late, but you’d promised to be home today.” You eventually confessed.

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

His head rose from your shoulder at those words, his eyes glued to the couch. “You were going to sleep on there?”

He turned you around in his arms, staring down at you with sympathy and remorse. “Baby, you knew I’d always come home, right?”

Forming your lips in a thin line, you nodded at him. Of course, you knew he’d come home. You weren’t stupid. Yes, you had held your insecurities and hesitations, but regardless of Sam’s heart and decisions, you knew he’d show up at your doorstep again. But having him leave for three full days after seeing him every day was something you had wished you were more prepared for.

But you were not going to tell him all of that. Instead, you spoke: “I knew you’d let me sleep if I was upstairs.”

A tiny smile appeared on your boyfriend’s face, his eyes crinkling slightly.

“You know me too well.” He mumbled, pressing his lips against yours as his hands slowly raised to the small of your back. You reciprocated the quick kiss, your hands grasping his biceps to remain your balance.

“‘M glad you’re home,” You muttered against his lips, a smile finally growing on your face.

“I love you.”

“You hold my hand on the street Walk me back to that apartment Years ago, we were just inside.”

That was the last peaceful moment you’d remember for a long time. That same night, you had moved your stuff back to the bedroom. Sam had been unpacking his own stuff there, occasionally helping you with the sheets and pillows.

You were standing in the bathroom, brushing your teeth, when you noticed something strange behind you through the mirror. Spitting out the toothpaste, you adjusted your toothbrush in your hand. Everything hurts if you poke someone in the eye. And ever since Dean had shown up, you became paranoid at night, frightened someone might be watching you, standing elsewhere in your house.

As you turned around, you came face to face with an older man, his eyes glowing yellow. Letting out a panicked yelp, you dropped the toothbrush. The thought of stabbing someone was entertaining; not so much the practice of it.

“Sam!” You shouted, already running into the bedroom. Your boyfriend shot up from his place on the floor, grabbing your shoulders to steady you, his eyes staring intently into yours.

“What’s wro-”

“There’s a man in our bathroom!”

Alarms seemed to immediately ring in his head. Before you could even ask him where he had grabbed it from so quickly, Sam drew his gun, pulling the safety off, and standing in front of you.

“Hiya, Sammy.”

“Barefoot in the kitchen Sacred new beginnings That became my religion, listen.”

The man from the bathroom grinned, an eerie ambiance filling the room all of a sudden. “My, have you grown.”

“Get out of my house.” The Winchester warned, his gun still drawn. The man’s smile fell, his face morphing into a sneer, his eyes now set on you. As he had done with Dean, the boy reached behind him, forcing you behind him completely.

“What a beautiful distraction you have there,” The man went on, though no longer friendly. Without a second of hesitation, Sam shot the man in the leg. But he didn’t budge. He didn’t even seem to be bothered by it. He simply chuckled.

“We cannot allow for distractions to happen.”

Suddenly, your feet were lifted off the floor. One last hopeless look was thrown Sam’s way as your body flew through the hall, colliding with the wall harshly before falling down the stairs. A sharp pain climbed up your spine upon the impact.

“I hope I never lose you I'd never walk Cornelia Street again Oh, never again.”

Jolting awake, you reached for the knife under your pillow, holding it up towards the place the man had stood. But he was gone. And the lights weren’t on either. You weren’t in the hall.

Your heart beat rapidly, your breathing labored as something - or someone - stirred beside you. Slowly, you had begun to realize it had been a dream. A nasty memory. The man you now knew to be the demon Azazel. The house you had left the day after that, leaving with Dean and Sam. It was the only safe solution.

Now, you found yourself in your bedroom in the bunker. It was dark, but a slight luminescence fell from under the door; you were able to make out certain shapes.

“Baby?” A tired mumble came from beside you, an arm lazily landing on top of your lap, as if to test if you were still there.

“Sorry,” You muttered, lowering the knife, but still staring around the room in distrust. “Bad dream.”

Subconsciously, your free hand reached toward your lower back, your fingers brushing the faded scar; still visible, but no longer red, as it used to be for months. A sharp pain shot up through your spine, your shoulder blades reaching back to get rid of it.

A second one brushed over yours, reaching the scar. It was bigger, more calloused, but soothing. “Your back?”

You hummed in response, letting Sam grab the knife from your hand and place it on his nightstand. Carefully, he wrapped a second arm around your waist, leaving his hand to reach the back of your head. Then, he lowered you back into bed, rubbing your back soothingly.

“It’s not as bad now,” You tried to justify, but your efforts seemed in vain.

“And baby, I get mystified by how this city screams your name And baby, I'm so terrified of if you ever walk away I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

It was a miracle you were still able to walk after the incident, let alone still feel your legs. Psychogenic pains still happened from time to time, but they could only be described as a sore back these days. None as extreme as the pain used to be.

You were grateful for it, but after nights like these, you wished all the pains would just leave permanently.

Sam’s hand resumed to massage your lower back, pushing your shirt up slightly. His other hand rested against your stomach, pulling you closer to him. Sighing in exhaustion, you leaned into his touch, letting your head fall back against his chest.

Looking up slightly, you smiled at him. And even through dimmed lights, Sam could see. That same goofy grin appeared on his face as he leaned down, placing a sweet kiss on your lips.

“I'd never walk Cornelia Street again.”

“Go back to sleep, sweetheart.” He mused, resting his chin on top of your head.

The movements on your back did not cease, and in all honesty; you did not wish for them to stop. They were too soothing for that. Yet, you could not find peace easily. As you closed your eyes, those same haunting yellow eyes flew in front of you.

It was not that you were terrified of Azazel. Perhaps you once had been. The first year you left with the Winchesters. But the more demons you encountered throughout your life, the less frightened you grew of them. And the more you realized that that was all Azazel has ever been: A demon.

But the last memories you held in that house you grew to adore in such a short time were all bad. From Sam leaving to Azazel showing up. You wished you had parted on better terms. Secretly, you wished you had never left that house. But you wouldn’t tell Sam that. He seemed happy with his brother. And you grew to love his brother as well.

“I don't wanna lose you, hope it never ends I'd never walk Cornelia Street again I don't wanna lose you.”

Swallowing harshly, you grabbed Sam’s hand, squeezing it once. At least you still had him.

“I love you,” You whispered through the calm air. A soft chuckle was heard from behind you, the rumbling of Sam’s chest carrying itself through your body.

“I love you too.”

Silence. Again. You were tired, but could not bring yourself to sleep. It happened often after those dreams. You knew it would take some time, but you’d eventually be able to close your eyes. But for now, the question lay heavier on your tongue than ever.

“Will we ever have our own place again?” You asked hesitantly.

Sam’s hands halted momentarily, visibly pondering over his answers. If you had asked him if he wanted to, he would have said yes in a heartbeat. But with your lives now, everyone and everything hunting you: It seemed too difficult. You knew this, yet always held hope.

“We will,” He ultimately concluded. “One day, there will be a period of peace again, and we will find that house.”

His lips pressed against the top of your head, kissing it lovingly.

“Promise.”

“"I rent a place on Cornelia Street" I say casually in the car.”

#november writings 2022 #sam winchester #supernatural #spn #jared padalecki #sam winchester x reader #supernatural x reader

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