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thisismyghost-blog · 5 years

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A letter to my conservative friends/family

I have had the feeling of being separated by a thick wall from everyone around me for most of my life. There are times people reach me but it’s usually short lived. I have been the quiet one people tease with worn out phrase, “Cat got your tongue?” And who looks on confused and smiling trying simply not to do damage and being paralyzed by not having infinite perspective or all my ish together or knowing that how people perceives me can have consequences to them even if I only show love to them that they can not be able to recognize it or that my perspective may limit me from seeing how a blind spot I have affects them. I care and I see, therefore I am used and covered up. It doesn’t have to be that way. We don’t have to have all the answers in order to deserve respect and care. We don’t have to be likeable to everyone to not deserve judgement. No one is blameless so when fingers get pointed and groups of people get villanized there is always someone who doesn’t value people on the other end of that. Empaths have open hearts and arrows fly in. We can change the direction we face our hearts to be able to receive the love and mercy we are being offered and can’t accept. We can do that when we see we need to in order to really do that for someone else. We can turn our hearts away from people who seek to keep our thoughtful insight and the reality of our experiences secret or try to make us unlikeable. It takes a lot and it might not be fixed and always ok and someone might still hurt us but if we are to be strong for our children and those we love we have to build ourselves back up in order to speak, in order to reveal the truth, in order to rescue those who might possibly by spared. I would not have reached this place without unconditional love and willingness to sit with me in the pain.

Lucifer appears as an angel and impersonates and perverts everything good. Narcissist are the same. He roams the earth seeking whom he may devour. He took so many bites until nothing was left. I died to myself and have been reanimated by the love around me. I have been kept safe enough to do the work while not being further victimized and pushed further into a corner souley because I was lucky enough to have real love around me.I am only able to finally see those whos opinions matter and to start becoming bullet proof to being shut down by the criticism of those who have nothing to teach me. I have been loved enough times and thrown enough ropes to make it here. I am dramatic and weird and airheaded sometimes and klutzy but some of the best people are and if I am to ever reach them i have to stop letting people put me down. I have never met anyone more Jesus-like than my childhood best friend. She was treated at times like she was simple for never criticizing anyone and having an endless sunshine well of positive energy and love for others and no need to self promote. The fact that the world lost a light like hers and her equally brilliant amazing beautiful mother is one of those stark realties that make me understand how people can die from a broken heart. It’s one of those realties that threatens to fill me with hatred at people who parade around with the wrong values and wouldn’t see their infinite value and beauty.The fact she has a son in this world without her breaks me in a way that sometimes it feels not worth continuing to fight for a life in a universe like this where the rocks don’t cry out and stop these things from happening. But my son needs me and I have to be brave enough to endure what I need to endure in order to carry her torch and I have to be curious and critically thinking enough to keep myself out of the way and really seek wisdom the way the smartest person I will probably ever personally have a relationship with, my father, always did. I have been in denial and bargaining stages of greif until pretty much rn since 2001 when he left this planet. He won’t be in history books or built a monument to like I think he deserves and he has not been able to live the last two decades with his daughters and wife whom he adored and or the grandchildren he would probably adore further still. I have never been able to feel close to him or be anything but hurt and enraged by accessing memories of him and seeing what I had lost. Until my son, with his perfect innocence, beauty and valiance has managed to bring me to the present moment from the island of the supreme type of disociaton from your body and ego that happens after certain social isolating traumas. Until I was able to look in his handsome face and realize the love between us is the same and how the things that really matter, which include him never losing sight of his value are all I’m concerned about living on from me. He was able to do that only with our angels (my bf, his stepdad) shield up, willingly absorbing stressors. What he endures, I may never fully see or appreciate. The ways my family have ever gone to battle for me in the face of uncertainty and pain because they love me I may never fully see. But how I begin to connect with them in a more meaningful way and start to be the type of woman he deserves is by looking at those facts without shame but with their love. My son adores me how I adored my mom even when she felt bad about herself and I have finally begun to be able to step up and be there for him the way I want. It was never that I wouldn’t have happily been burned alive to do for him but that I was paralyzed to do because I felt unworthy, not wise enough, not strong enough, not cool enough, not good enough to express myself or assert myself at times when I wanted to. I can stop being angry at myself for not being able to protect him from ever being hurt because of the love I received from my mother which I see clearly now, moved mountains for me even if it couldn’t and never was responsible for magical, super human provisions of everything I needed. Those mother’s don’t exist because it’s not human. How can a single human being be what they want for the ones they love? By realizing they are the potential expression of God’s love and the highest level of being when they show their love for their children. By realizing that is good enough and allowing their children to have access to their healthiest possible most creative self. The loudest people in the room are most often the most selfish. The introverts and empaths and those who have suffered in ways that give them the awareness aesthetic people (think monks in wool robes in monastery rejecting worldly pleasures) are seeking. The ones with the most needed voices to be amplified are busy listening and gleaning actual useful nuanced insight that is crucial for building a society that more efficiently can seek to fulfill liberty and Justice for all. True American values and Christian values imo are to look to those at the bottom in order to gauge the efficiency of those at the top. We are all guilty of looking to the day we can be worthy enough but we are telling our kids that how attractive and liked like are by a crowd or considered impressive and holy enough by a congregation of people matters more than it already does. We are engaging in a quest for a life that doesn’t exist. We will never be blameless. Beautiful and rich will never be able to equal peace or meaningful human connection so we need to stop chasing mirages. Ostracism has huge health impacts physically as well as emotionally, and happens no matter how strong or pure someone is. Children, case and point. We have to take responsibility for our impulse to turn away from people when we can’t help them the way we want. We have to fight our urge to stifle ourselves and see that no one is qualified and it won’t accomplish what we wish it could but that our voice needs to be heard precisely because we think that way. I’m trying to tell you that you don’t need to feel ashamed for being human.If anything about me was worth saving and it’s a good thing for people not to self destruct while they fumble around in the dark dungeon of uncertainty and shame is a priority. Cliches and Grand displays of emotion that have the most powerful meanings are generally rendered totally lifeless by being repeated too much by false prophets and manipulating people. Our culture doesn’t have enough genuine displays of how a human life works and what real love looks like. From everything and everyone that I’ve lost and years of personal torment and suicidal ideation cycles and silence I have been lifted up by love. I have to let go of what I refuse to accept is gone in order to interact with what is or ever get to what could be (like living in and helping create a home where children can be even happier than I remember being and longing for. That I can stop feeling homesick for and experience the next level of with my kids and embody all that I possibly can from those who I love and have lost or who are still out there but undervalued and replace the survivors guilt with honoring them. I am ok with you seeing me struggle and thinking I’m weird and long winded if you choose to read this in the hopes I can share some outline of love and grace that I’ve been shown and the hope and can only be born from the flames. I hope to fortify you even if you can’t stick by me right now, if you are ever brought to your knees. I want you to remember what that cat lady told you.

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