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#the way i will be completely heart broken if this isn't renewed
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Bephanie Snippet
I've been looking forward to sharing this one.
Hope you guys enjoy!!
___
I ignored the terrible pit of dread in my gut as I knocked on the door. I had been travelling for almost the whole entire day. I was here on a mission - determined to rebuild what had been broken.
What I had broken, to be more specific.
Something that El always says is that when you make mistakes, you have to take full responsibility for them and take the necessary steps to make things right. This was me doing just that. I was scared, but I knew that I had to put my own feelings aside... like how I should have done, to begin with. This isn't about me. This is about making amends with my husband. Ben. Who I haven't seen or spoken to in weeks.
"It's going to be fine," I told myself. Aloud. I needed to hear those words.
I stood at the familiar front door, my heart pounding with a mixture of nervousness and hope. Sooner or later, the door swung open, revealing you-know-who on the other side. I don't know if I was expecting that.
I mean, he was who I came here for. Of course, I was going to see him eventually. I wanted to see him. I guess I just didn't want to see him first. And I didn't think I would see him first, either... he's staying with his family. But I guess it's better this way. Get over the initial awkwardness of all this. Like ripping off a Band-Aid.
We both kind of stared at each other in stunned silence. It wasn't a tense silence, there was no deep sense of uncomfortability around it. But it wasn't happy or peaceful either.
I mustered up the courage to finally speak (since he clearly wasn't going to). "Hey," I greeted casually. At least, I tried to sound casual. In reality, I probably sounded like a robot.
I was expecting a lot. I was expecting rage, pain, yelling, and some good old-fashioned passive aggression. Maybe even tears, like how he reacted when he first found out.
I wasn't expecting what I got.
"Steph?"
Just my name. Barely above whisper volume. It sounded like a question, a plead, a forgotten feeling. Or maybe that's just how I heard it.
It gave me a small amount of hope that I didn't have going in. I don't know what it was exactly... maybe it was the fact that he didn't immediately slam the door in my face. Maybe it was the fact that he didn't scream at me about what a gross and pathetic slut I was (like somebody said he would... thanks, Reginald). Or maybe it was the look in his eyes. His face was a mixture of conflicting emotions. I could see surprise, pain, fear and uncertainty. But there was something else beyond all that in his eyes, something I hadn't seen in a while – a warm glow. Light. Hope. A glimmer of the old love that had once been the foundation of our relationship. Maybe even a hint of forgiveness?
Ok, perhaps that one was a stretch. But he wasn't completely angry. There was a bit of hurt and anger there, but not as much as I thought there would be.
It gave me a renewed inner strength that I didn't know I needed. I allowed myself to relax a bit and smile.
Maybe there was hope for us after all. Everything can get back to normal. Things can be ok in my life for once!
Stop it, Steph. This isn't about you.
Before I could say anything else, the sound of laughter and chatter filled the air.
I glanced past Ben to see a lively scene unfolding in the living room. His family – parents, siblings, nieces, and nephews – were all gathered, sharing stories and joy. It was a warm, chaotic contrast to the heavy atmosphere between Ben and me. And I wanted in!
I think Ben could tell, because the next thing he did was step aside to let me enter, saying, "You want to come in, then?"
I nodded, my smile growing even wider. In I went.
_
"Stephanie!" Ben's younger adoptive sister, Emily, greeted me with a tight hug. "We've missed you!"
I returned the hug, laughing. "I've missed you more, Em."
Toby (Ben's older adoptive brother) came up from behind me and joined in on the hugging action. "Highly doubtful, Steph. No, but seriously, it's been way too long. How have you been?"
Where to begin... maybe stressed out of my damn mind with this investigation? Guilty for almost wrecking my own marriage? Miserable for hurting all of my friends? Confused about where I stand with Bret (or what my relationship with Bret even is now... this has been going on for months now, and I still have no idea what it is. I don't even really know how I feel about him anymore. Not that any of this even matters. Man... I can't believe I've spent this long talking about Bret - none of this is about him!)?
All because I was bored. And because I could. I didn't think about the potential consequences. I didn't care about how my actions could affect other people.
Man... I'm such a callous bitch sometimes.
Self-loathing rant aside, it was around this point when I began to notice how curious Ben's family was. Everyone seemed to have a new question to ask. I felt like I was being interrogated or something.
"You remember Aunt Thedra, right?" Toby asked, gesturing toward a kind-looking woman with greying hair, who was engaged in animated conversation with a man I distinctly remembered to be Emily's husband Gareth. I nodded without saying a word, despite not recognising "Aunt Thedra" at all.
"You want to say hi to the kids, Steph?" Emily asked, picking up one of her children - a small boy, probably no older than 4 or 5. I found out that his name was Jacob, and that he was the middle kid in Emily's family of 5(!) young children. But he didn't seem too pleased to see me (the kid straight up burst out crying when he noticed my presence), so I said no for now.
"Stephanie, darling!" called the sweet, gentle voice of Ben's mother, Marian. "It's lovely to see you back here again. I'm making some dinner, do you want beef or vegetarian casserole?"
Such a kind woman. Right as I prepared to open my mouth and respond, however, I heard this:
"How come she gets to pick what we have?!"
It was Lily. Jacob's big sister. I say "big" but she really doesn't look that much older than him... maybe a year or two.
"That's Stephanie, Lily," Marian calmly replied. "She's our guest for the night, so she gets to pick what we're having for dinner."
Lily grumbled a little bit more, but eventually, she got the message. I'm assuming she's heard about me in the past because she seemed to have an idea of who I was. How do I know this? Well, once she was done talking to Marian, she turned to me and went, "So, are you Uncle Ben's special friend?"
I kid you not. Straight up said that to my face!
I had no idea how to respond to this question coming out of a five-year-old girl's mouth. But I didn't have to, because just then, Ben's father, Paul, welcomed me with a genuine smile, and yet another warm hug. "Steph, love. How are you? Thought you were avoiding us!"
"No, Paul," I smiled back, returning the hug. "I've just had a lot on my plate lately."
Ben has a pretty large and chaotic family. It's nice to be surrounded by all this noise at a time like this - when your heart and mind are fighting for your attention, and you're hurting after weeks of nonstop despair, it's almost nice to have a room full of distraction. Being in a stimulating atmosphere like Ben's childhood home was a refreshing break from the cold dead silence I struggled to get used to when he left the house.
For a moment, I could almost forget the storm that loomed between Ben and me. But I knew that I had to face the music sooner or later.
_
The evening went by pretty smoothly, honestly - much smoother than I thought it would. Of course, it helped that Ben and I were kind of trying to avoid one another. Mostly to maintain the peace. But also because I had no idea what to even say to him. Which is weird, since I've had hours of travel time to think of things to say to him!
I caught him looking at me from across the room at several points. His gaze held a weird mixture of curiosity and something else I couldn't quite place. I don't know what it was... I didn't want to give myself more false hope by convincing myself that it was forgiveness or understanding. It might be... but it was probably more along the lines of confusion. He seemed more conflicted than anything else.
I don't blame him. I'm confused, too. Not with him. With me. What's wrong with me?! I came here to fix things between us, and I have yet to figure out how to achieve this goal.
...That's a massive lie. I knew what to do. I knew what it would take. I just wasn't sure I had it in me. I was afraid.
How does that old expression go? "He who dares, wins?"
I came here to win.
I sat next to him on the sofa and tapped his arm to get his attention (he was on his phone).
"Hello," he mumbled awkwardly.
"Hey, Ben," I responded with a bit of that same awkwardness. "So, can we talk?"
"I think we should."
"Great. Should we go somewhere private, or-"
"DINNER TIME!" Marian yelled from the kitchen. For such a soft-spoken lady, she sure knows how to yell.
Patching things up with my husband is going to have to wait a little while longer.
_
Ben and I exchanged glances all throughout dinner. I was glad. Non-verbal communication was better than NO communication. Frankly, I was rather pleased that I no longer had to avoid eye contact with him.
Eventually, dinner finished up. Ben, being the kind soul that he is, helped Marian with the dishes and the clearing up of the kitchen. I stood outside and watched him help his mother out, and eventually, even Paul came in to do his part. He turned on some music, and the three of them had a little dance party as they did the chores. Marian called me in to come join the fun, but I didn't want to intrude on a sweet family moment.
"Nonsense," Paul laughed. "Steph, you are family. Come join us, love."
Why did hearing him say that almost make me cry, damn it
Anyway, once we were done with all of that, Ben, who was in a much better mood, took my hand and guided me to a more private part of the house, away from his family's curious eyes and ears.
We found ourselves at the bottom of the back garden. It was a place filled with memories of simpler times in our relationship - barbecues, surprise birthday parties, lazy Sundays, and stolen kisses. The air was charged with unspoken words as we faced each other.
"Your parents are so nice."
"I agree," Ben smiled. "They're the best parents I've ever had, that's for sure."
I laughed quietly at that one. Partially because I just wanted to laugh, and partially because I didn't know what to say. Or maybe I did, but I was scared of saying it. I had a feeling of where it would lead the conversation, and I didn't want to go there.
But he who dares, wins.
I want to be that "he." Even though I'm a she.
"How have you been?"
"Much better now that I have these guys," Ben replied, gesturing to the house full of music and family noise. That sweet sound of comforting chaos.
"I can imagine. You look great!" I offered, trying to keep the conversation nice and light for as long as possible.
"So do you," Ben sighed, his tone inscrutable. "Although you don't need me to tell you that, I don't think."
I sighed, too. "Oh, Ben. I've missed you so much."
Ben raised an eyebrow. "Have you?"
"Of course! God, these past few weeks have been a nightmare without you. Did you really think I wasn't going to care at all when you left without a word?"
"I don't know, Steph. It's not like you need me all that much anymore. You have someone else to play with when you're lonely and bored."
I mean... ouch. But true.
"Ok... I deserved that."
"Look, Steph... nothing you do or say is going to change the way you've made me feel. I appreciate you coming all this way. I appreciate that you probably feel bad, and that you might want to make things right, but what you need to understand is-"
"I do! I do want to make things right!"
"Let me finish. It doesn't change anything. I don't need or want anything from you. No apologies, no nothing. All I need is time to move on."
Sounds simple enough. That doesn't mean I'm satisfied with that answer, though. There's a lot more that needs to be said.
"I need to give you an apology, Ben. Because you deserve it, and because after all the hurt I've caused, it's the least I can do. I'm so sorry. I messed up. I know that completely, and I take full responsibility for it. It's not your fault in any way, so I hope you don't feel like it is, even a little bit."
Ben was quiet for a while after I said that. "Steph," he began, "I need to understand. I need to know why."
I'm still searching for the answers to that question myself. "I don't know," I admitted to him. "I guess it was a way to unwind. Or forget about how stressed the investigation was making me."
Ben's face sank when he heard that. "You could've just talked to me about it," he said.
It's true. I could've. But the thing is, that's not really the reason. I don't know what the actual reason is, but it sure as hell ain't that.
"I have no idea. It didn't mean anything to me, Ben. It still doesn't. And neither does he. We've stopped seeing each other, by the way."
"That's great! Problem solved. Yippee."
"Ok, stop. I know that things aren't going to get better between us overnight, Ben. I can accept that. What I won't accept is your decision to give up on us."
"What do you mean?!"
"'I just need to move on'? Sounds like quitter talk to me."
"You quit on us first!"
"It's not a competition, Ben! You and I are married! Married. Do you know what that means?"
"I don't know. Do you?"
Another excellent question.
"Yeah. It means that when things get rough, you deal with things together. As a team. Instead of fucking off to the other side of the country to stay with mummy and daddy because your wife is hurting your feewings. Actually fighting for your relationship and actively trying to make it work, instead of being a damn baby about it. That's what it means."
"Oh, my God..."
A little harsh, I know. But the longer the conversation went on, the more I knew that this was going to take more than a simple apology or a gesture of kindness and love. This was a trust issue. Ben just doesn't trust me anymore. And much like Rome, trust can't be (re)built in a day.
The argument went on until it finally reached its peak, with both of us standing on the precipice of emotional exhaustion. Silence lingered, filled only by the echoes of harsh words exchanged in the confined space. That was it. We ran out of stuff to say. We were done.
Except... not really.
Suddenly, it was almost as if he and I were being drawn together by an invisible force. Our eyes locked in a moment of shared vulnerability, and the charged atmosphere shifted. The anger and hurt that had fueled our fight transformed into a different kind of intensity. I felt my breath getting caught in my throat as I gazed at him. I still couldn't quite read his expression, but I had a feeling he was thinking what I was thinking.
Without a word, without a conscious decision, our lips met in a desperate and passionate kiss. It was a collision of conflicting emotions, a fusion of anger, desire, and the lingering traces of love that had not completely faded.
It was a disjointed, chaotic dance, a paradoxical blend of frustration and longing. It spoke of a history shared, a connection that, despite its fractures, had not entirely disintegrated. At that moment, the outside world faded away, and the only reality that existed was the collision of two souls desperately seeking solace in each other.
It was so... weird. And random. And beautiful.
When we broke away from each other, our eyes met again, now clouded with a mixture of confusion and a hint of something deeper. Hope?
I've got to stop seeing everything as a sign of hope, man.
Anyways, later on in bed, we continued having this conversation. Sort of.
"This whole thing has completely destroyed what we have. I don't know if we can even put things back together... at least not the exact way it used to be. Things'll probably never be the same ever again."
I swallowed hard, the reality of his words sinking in. "I don't want it to be the same, Ben. I want it to be better. I want us to be better. And I believe we can make it better, too. Don't you?"
Ben's expression softened, a hint of vulnerability breaking through. "You don't even know what 'better' means right now, Steph. And neither do I. That's something that'll take a while to figure out."
"Yeah..." I agreed, sighing. "But that doesn't mean we can't try."
I mean, look at us. We're practically halfway there!
___
Book 2 is so dysfunctional, y'all. I'm just realising lol.
But yeah. This is a long one, but it's pretty packed. Hope you guys enjoyed it. Let me know your thoughts!
Also, who is your favourite member of Ben's family? I love his mum, personally <3
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tianshiisdead · 1 year
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Preface: This isn't anything polished, just a thought dump for convenience's sake. I realized I enjoy a variety of different China characterizations as long as they fall along a general line, but despite not seeing him the same way as canon, I never sat down and developed my personal main view of him, so I'll lay some preliminary sketches here and work on polishing it when school calms down.
Firstly, as someone unknowably ancient, it's hard to put into words (or even picture) how he would truly act. I'll shelve that for now.
I suppose I see him as such, opposing traits that somehow fit together: Quietly ruthless and pragmatic, but deeply loyal and doting toward family and those who make the cut. Lofty and at time thoughtlessly arrogant - though not dramatically so. In recent years holding within himself a renewed zeal for progress and the strength to carry on through unimaginable pain. He doesn't show his emotions openly, he's subtle, but he holds them close to his chest along with all those he loves. He can be stubborn about the strangest of things, his belief in his own flexibility - not completely unfounded as he's pragmatic enough and proficient at moving with the times and understanding change - nonetheless causes him to cling to certain values he sees as unchanging even more so. He's not great with criticism, especially as he doesn't necessarily think there are many people in a high enough place to criticize him, however if he's horribly defeated he's able to take lessons from his scars. He can both recognize someone as a threat, while not seeing them as an equal.
I like when he's not all power and ancient glory, when there's a quiet sort of wistfulness about him, whispers of all the lives he's lived and things he's seen, everything he believed in that ultimately came crashing down - as all things do. Maybe he was more explosively arrogant in the past but less self-assured, without time to whittle down his edges. I like to imagine him like broken pieces mended together, that he's like jade, proud and precious, but learned to patch his scars with whatever he's had on hand long ago. In his cracks are gold and silver, glue and rubber, steel, resin, some things glitter beautifully in the sun and turn him into art, some things poison him from the inside but are so old they can't be removed. After every collapse, he sits with the pain and slowly stitches himself back together, with nothing by his side but his enduring will to survive. He knows how to forgive, while never forgetting, but when the resentments do exist they run deep.
But when he's powerful, it encompasses him completely. He's not only determined to survive, after all. Despite his arrogance, he's more level-headed than his leadership often is, he knows to think long-term, to set up traps and wait slowly, slowly, slowly, until the rewards emerge. Here is one thing his age helps with. He doesn't derive joy from conquest, doesn't feel pleasure in taking: his power growing is to him just another day, the endless glory of an undying civilization, and all of his unquestioned supremacy that is only reinforced by those moments quietly stitching himself together, that even his conquerors die at his feet.
He does love though, he loves with all of his heart, though it's often unreadable. He might have shown it more, long ago, when he was (unthinkably) young and vibrant and still had the naivety to throw himself into his love and beliefs. But even now. After all, and this is the stupid sentimental idiot inside me talking, doesn't he love his people? Doesn't their lives interlock with his, doesn't he live for them as well, his determination to move forward tied intimately to theirs?
And that's the motherland, the fatherland, I really don't like how these terms are gendered in English asjkldhgdf
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kadtherine · 3 years
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They have an incredible chemistry with one another. They’ve already bonded like brothers and sister. They’ve grown so much as a team. Julie and the Phantoms, it’s a band and it’s almost unbelievable how much they’ve accomplished already. 
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sunarc · 3 years
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Hello there 👋. I hope you're okay. I was wondering if you were up to writing some angst for Kageyama where his s/o is in Japan on a work visa and he finds out they haven't manage to renew the visa in time and have to move back to their home country and stay there for the foreseeable future. You can make it as angsty as you want. Break our hearts if you want 😁. Thank you very much!! Stay safe!! 💜
This Isn't Goodbye
A/N: ugh anon I got so excited to write this then I started writing and I got so sad hahaa but I really hope you enjoy this
TW: Angst without fluff
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You were busy that's all. With work becoming so much and trying to keep a decent social life you just lost track of things sometimes or at least that’s what you kept telling yourself over and over again trying to figure out a decent excuse to tell Kageyama. You stared at the pile of unread letters that sat on the side of your work desk completely ignored warnings that your work visa was expiring. Your heart pounded in your chest, fresh tears prepared to fall past your already red eyes. There was nothing you could do but cry at this moment. You slid your body down the wall you were leaning on and placed your head in your hands letting out loud sobs. This was supposed to be your fresh start. You were happy here, with Kageyama and all the new friends you had made and now it was as if it was all being snatched away from you and there was nothing you could do but chase after this failing dream with outstretched arms. What were you going to tell Kageyama? You only had 3 days to pack up your entire life and leave him. How were you supposed to tell him you had to leave him, that you couldn’t stay to love him the way you promised you would because you forgot to do one simple task that could’ve easily avoided all of this. You picked up your phone with a shaky hand, your heart pounding in your chest, you felt sick, your body felt weak. You sent a quick text to Kageyama letting him know that you needed to talk when he got home.
Kageyama was quick to come to you, his feet slammed against the pavement as he ran to you. His mind was submerged with fearful thoughts afters seeing your text
‘Nothing good comes from a ‘we need to talk’ text’ he thought
Kageyama stood at the doorstep key in hand afraid to open the door. His mind was flooded with thoughts and memories trying to recall if he had done something wrong. Finally he opened the door but something felt different, something was off. An eerie silence filled the home with the only sound being the creaking of the floor as Kageyama walked towards your shared room. He pushed the door open to see you with a duffle bag and empty soon to be filled suitcases scattered around the room.
“Y/N please whatever it is we can fix this.. Please” Kageyama walked over to you, placing his hand on your shaking hands.
“W-we can figure this out. Talk to me.” Kageyama’s voice cracked and you felt your heart rip into two at the sound
“My work visa… it expired. I got a letter telling me I had to move back to my home country. I have three days.” Your voice came out as a whisper.
Kageyama froze
“We can-”
“They gave me my final warning… I have to leave”
“No.”
You looked up at Kageyama. His eyes were wide, tears threatened to spill.
“I can’t stay Tobio” your voice was failing you all of your words came out as broken sobs.
“But… What about me?” The tears that were threatening to spill were now flowing freely from Kageyama's eyes as he held on to your hand afraid to let go.
“I don't want to go, I want to stay here with you and watch movies we’ve watched a thousand times before, and eat all the pork curry with slow cooked egg that we can eat”
“I love pork curry with slow cooked egg on top”
You let out a weak and pained laugh
“I know”
Kageyama grabbed a shirt of yours and placed it in the duffle bag.
“What if I came with you?” “No”
“But we can be together if i-”
“No tobio.” You said voice stern “Your home is here I cant take everything you’ve worked so hard for away from you.”
“I don’t want you to leave me Y/N please.”
You were silent as you continued packing your bags as Kageyama watched with a pained look, tears streaming down his face.
Your bags were packed in two days. The once shared, full of life apartment now almost empty with the few things Kageyama had.
“Is this it for us?” your voice came out small.
“Not if you promise to wait for me… I’ll see you again soon” Kageyama pulled you in for a hug. “ I promise this isn't goodbye”
You held him tight breathing in his scent for the last time.
“Please don’t forget about me Tobio '' you squeezed him as you stared at your packed bags waiting by the door with misty eyes.
“I love you too much Y/N”
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annbourbon · 3 years
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Pretty sure I'm going to break a lot of hearts here. But I needed to say it. And yes it's about the Twins Choi. Because I love them too much. Both of them.
So anyway, I saw a couple of post on Amino (I forgot my password and even my nickname because it was on my iPod and that thing got broken so whatever. I'm too lazy to make another account and I really loved my nickname.. c'est la vie)
I'm going to try my best to make this spoiler free, but this is about the Saeran's AE Good Ending so if you haven't played, and you don't want to be spoiled, go away. Run for your life. If you're curious, and want to torture yourself, keep reading.
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So, I'm gonna skip all, and say we had the Good Ending, you're happy, you're sad. You feel a thousand emotions running through your heart and cheeks, blah blah blah,
I'm going to the point here: I really can't see the flowers Saeran's is holding, except for the roses, and that's it. It's too white for my poor eyes and I'm writing this at 3AM (thanks Cheritz for ruining my schedule lolol I still love you)
Anyway, yes, we're supposed to be happy because it's Saeran's AE. And all that. BUT there are a couple of things that left me thinking. And freaked me out. (After embarrassing myself on Twitter with Cheritz because I experienced a glitch with the AE, I went through the app a couple of times and suddenly I realized that according to moi there was a picture missing, and I came back and embarrassed myself a second time because once wasn't enough....)
And that's how I discovered that Saeran's AE Good Ending picture was on.... 707's album. And I was completely weirded out because, Seven's picture is on his album. Right? So are the rest of the members. They have their own AE's picture on their own album. So... why??
Well here's why:
Look at both Choi body language. Their eyes are full of love for MC. Most logical thing would be, she's on the center, so it's impossible not to look at her. But if that was true, which isn't, look at Seven body language. He's basically all over MC, and it's even closer than Saeran's. 😳 His hips at least, and one of his legs, and one of his arms. So yeah... And if that's not enough, you can see how his eyes and his brother eyes are basically, in love, with her.
BUT if that doesn't convince you, the flowers will. At first I thought it was weird that both had bouquets. Both were pointing with their body language to MC and all that. And then I remembered a couple of things I read about flowers, and the way Saeran gives a huge importance to these. He knows the meaning of all the flowers. Even Jumin was impressed with his knowledge on his Normal Ending so he hired Saeran to work on his island.
Anyway, we know that Cheritz chooses the flowers really by their meaning. And that's how we know that the Lily of the valley means the promise of happiness. Which ironically, we're basically seated on a field full of Lily of the valley.
But, while I was investigating, the flowers that Saeyoung has on his bouquet are not just more visible, but also hold a deep meaning. At first I thought they were lavander. But I happen to have lavander on my backyard, and sorry to disappoint you, that, on Saeyoung's bouquet is not lavander.
It's Lilac. And it has a totally different meaning:
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During the Victorian Age, the giving of a lilac was meant to be a reminder of an old love. Victorians thought that giving someone a lilac indicated an old, often bygone love. Widows frequently wore the flowers to commemorate their lost husbands.
The Celtics regarded the lilac as “magical” due to their incredibly intoxicating fragrance
They symbolize spring and renewal. Lilacs also symbolize confidence. There are many meanings that lilacs have that can best be classified by color.
White lilacs symbolize purity and innocence.
Violet lilacs symbolize spirituality.
Blue lilacs symbolize happiness and tranquility.
Magenta lilacs symbolize love and passion.
Lilac, the color for which this flower is named, is a light purple that symbolizes a first love.
Although various colors of lilacs have different meanings, the lilac has always had a strong association with love and romance throughout history.
American poet Walt Whitman, uses the lilac in his famous poem, “When Lilacs Last in the Door-yard Bloom’d”, as a symbol of life after death in a narrative depicting Abraham Lincoln’s last days.
Greek Myth:
The lilac has a deep history that is, as with many flowers, rooted in Greek mythology. The myth goes that Pan, the god of fields and forests, fell hard in love for the nymph Syringa. Syringa was eventually forced to turn herself into a lilac shrub to protect and disguise herself from Pan’s advances.
Although Pan was unable to locate Syringa, he did, of course, find the shrub. He cut the reeds of the shrub and created the first original panpipe from these reeds.
Lilacs almost always symbolize love and romance, but often take on an even deeper meaning than that. This flower can refer to old or lost love, too, and is often chosen by widows or widowers.
So yes. Seven still, loves us. Even if we're with his brother... and on a second thought... Why's he being so blunt? Because I'm pretty sure that Saeran knows about the meaning. And Saeyoung being blunt about it... not only that, but I think, he, in a certain way, want us back. And according to the whole image, he wouldn't really mind if we restart the game as long as we choose him. (He prefers to be the one who saves his brother and have us.) Pretty cute, and greedy. The way I think about it, it's that Saeyoung it's really trying hard not to ruin it but failing. And he also wants us to remember, that even if we're head over heels for his brother (let's admit it, Saeran's AE was completely awesome compared to his AE. Because we had more couple moments with Saeran's than Saeyoung with us. Even though we understand because he was trying to save his brother. Something we did now and we can completely understand because we would go to the end of the earth to make sure Saeran's okay... okay, I'll stop rambling.) Even if we're heads over heels for Saeran. Saeyoung wants to remember us that we were first. I don't think he blames us though... he just wants us back.
That also reminds me how he hug us when we were on his route taking us a bit away from his brother instead of sitting besides Saeran's.... coincidence? (Please don't do the I think not meme lolol)
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duraxxor · 3 years
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Shadowlands: Chapter 2 - Subtraction
How did I end up here? Has my life truly been as fragmented as I were? Nothing makes any sense anymore. Many voices have spoken. Some familiar while other's, not so much. Yet, all the only physical presence that greets me is the pain in my chest. It's almost as if they are dissecting me for a glorious harvest of organs. Doubtful that they are, it feels as though it is only to remind me of my place in these wailing halls. The only entertainment to pass the time is the maddening arguments amongst my kin along with the various jailbreaks all across the endless floors of this place. I've learned a great deal about this energy flow though. Whispers of various energies of death. Anima. Phantasma. Stygia. I know not what they fully entail, but... it matters not. I am a great many things. Weak. Emaciated. Beaten.
But I'm not broken...
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A wail just down the dismal hall of deathly metal echoed directly into the chamber that the unconscious trio were bound by chains. Both beasts lay upon the cold, stained floor while their heart dangled by twin links that held his arms up. His frame no more than a fraction of it's once, muscular glory. Ink-smeared pale skin that were barely covered by tattered, black cloth. Flowing white hair hung almost to the ground as he bowed in an attempt to rest his soul, preparing for the next torture that would be laid before him. The vile racket increased in volume as the sound of plated footsteps echoed across the floor. The very noise made the trio stir in their own ways. Randdu's ears wiggled while Sphula's eyelids suddenly opened and dilated with it's endless, distant stare. Not long after, the armor of Mawsworn rolled across the solid steel as they would be blessed the sound of true death. Though music to the ears of the familiars, the correct melody for Daev himself was that of the footsteps that followed with the clanking of chain, gravity now taking his course as he found himself following completely onto the floor. " Is this... no.... this isn't real... " Daev muttered in delirious disbelief, writhing like a worm before the beat of the drum followed with the shattering of the chains that barred the beasts.
" Who... issssss... thissssss?.... " Sphula hissed tiredly as he tilted his head to behold a hooded knight much like that of the Ebon Blade. The serpent watched as the knight knelt before Daev and began reaching for him. To which, the serpentine familiar protested. " Do not... harm a hair.... on hissssss head.... " Randdu followed with a weak flap of his wings before he hoarsely screeched. Both animals were set off by the visitation of a stranger who appeared to be potentially a foe.
" Stay your... claws and teeth. I am only here to do what is necessary. " The voice coming from the hood confirmed the condition of undeath that laid within the epicenter of this being. Faint, white hairs tickled the edges of the hood which only revealed a familiar nose and chin structure. As he reached to place a gloved hand upon the epicenter of Daev's chest, he muttered something unexpected. "... I'm here, to save my son before it is too late. " The hand now emanated with strings of white tethers that flowed freely into the much younger Daevara, which in return made this new ally's jaw clench. " Take my anima... and rise again, Alphus! "
Daev felt the energies of the being that claimed to be his father pouring into his soul. A subtle gasp following which brought his glassy eyes to glow that white purity. Images flashed before his eyes of the man's own memories of youthful struggles, benevolent love, and even the talks of the birth of a son named Alphus Durand Daevara. It all happened so fast but brought a vision of clarity that only he could understand. It was an overwhelming sensation that caused the youth to involuntarily clutch to his father before realizing that he could see the hooded figure. " ... Father? "
The man smiled, despite being a harbinger of undeath now, he still possessed a joyous sense in any situation. Without hesitation, the man removed his hood, revealing the cyan glow of his eyes along with a messy ponytail of familiar white hair that represented the trademark that was long passed down through the Daevara family. " I just want you to know... I'm proud of you for finally defeated the curse our family couldn't overcome... but right now... you must get out of here... " With that being said, Sephirrion Daevara placed a spectral key into the palm of his hand and nodded to him, picking him up off the ground so that he could stand. " Do you have the strength now? "
Daev fumbled at first as the beasts around him slowly began to rise. Randdu standing on all fours while the serpent began to levitate, anima energy now being distributed to balance the flow within the centerpiece himself. " Is this... another trick... another... torture... has the Jailer finally decided to break me?... " Daev looked at his hands in disbelief, smudged with residues of a variety before he clenched them into fists. It was the offering of the sword that lead him ask another question. " Father... I have to ask... if it is really you... why did you... "
A thunderous notion in the distance sounded that made animal and person tense up. " There will be time to ask later, Alphus... get going. You have friends and family waiting for you... I... will distract them while you escape. That key will get you to the exit. " Daev finally took the sword from his hand, clenching the short blade and opening his mouth before another rumble settled in, this time drawing much closer. " GO! "
" You heard daddy-o, let's get the hell outta' here! Reeeeeee! " Randdu trotted across the floor, tackling Daev to move as the trio began to take off down the hall. Despite the nature of the situation, the elf found himself slower than the beasts not only because of his structure, but because he was looking back towards the man that claimed to be his father who drew his swords and charged the other direction. " Move yourself, Daev! Do you want to die here? Because I sure as hell don't! Reeeee! "
" But... what about him... he risked his neck to save us? " Daev responded back to the unfiltered bat with worry. The serpent slithering his way beside their key to the way out of here. " Randdu issss right. Asss much assss I hate to admit it. We have obligationsss to fulfill and there will come another opportuni- Look out! " The serpent coiled around Daev, forcing him backwards as Randdu screeched loudly when he dodged a swinging guillotine in passing. The metal of the pendulum force whisking by them with that faint, metallic wail that indicated death. " Allow meeee... " Sphula declared as he tightly wrapped himself around Daev and pulled him through a shadowy pocket, instantly seeping out of the floor beside Randdu before the trio was once again reunited.
" That was a close one, boss! " Randdu chittered, flapping his wings as he felt his strength returning more so now. " You gotta' work out more, Daaaaaaev... you'll never win any races with this chicken legs... " Daev gave the bat a look before Randdu felt himself being pushed back by their kinetic link. " Shut it, bat... you try being chained up for an eternity... oh wait, you were! "
The howl of abyssal creatures was heard coming up directly in front of them as an armored bowman with three, smoky hounds come clattering down the halls in their wraith-like states. The lack of physical body made them haunting to look at. Unless, of course, you were a certain bat that saw the raw energies that coursed within them. " Oh yeah, baby! Buffet here I come! " Randdu suddenly flapped frantically and made a mad swoop towards one of the stalkers while the other two were commanded to charge the elf and his serpent companion. Magics suddenly began to hum from within the Sphula's jaws as he wound himself around Daev to protect him. His tail slipped through the floor and came out to swipe at both hands, knocking them backwards before the serpent shot a bolt of lightning at them. All three of the beasts howled out as they found themselves pushed back. One of them even squealing in agony as Randdu began to siphon the energies from it, causing his mass to grow and the energy within him to turn darker. " Yeah! Yeah! Ow! "
The knockback of a bolt was heard just before Randdu found an arrow lodged into his side, making the bat-like creature shriek into an enrage frenzy before the unlucky mawsworn found himself on the other end of his jaws. Armor pieces began chipping and flying everywhere from the sheer madness that was the beast that tore into it. " ... Nothing... escapes... the Maw! " The declaration had been heard a great many times through this halls and most of the time, they were the unbearable fact. " Reeeeeeee! You're wrong! We will find a way to get out of here! " Randdu screeched his own opinion out before he immediately returned to his companions, allowing his energies to spill out and ease there way into them to split the balance.
" Randdu... I never realized you were such an energy conductor. And Sphula... you're... a magic conjurer? I've never used lightning magic before... " Daev seemed utterely surprised by the abilities of his animalistic fragments that were a part of him, bringing about a faint smile as he found his resolved temporarily renewed. " Let's get out of here and find our allies! " Daev took off as quick as his *chicken legs* would allow with bat and snake in tow. Once they come across a flight of ascending stairs, that's when the real challenge awaited them.
Coming through the doorway, the floor had finally revealed to them an massive, open room with a door on the other side that matched the key perfectly to the point that the spectral energies began to glow in Daev's hand. But, there was just one thing standing between them and their exit out of here. Within it's epicenter was a floating oculus forged from a twisted, metal shell with an energy lens within it's core. " None may escape the Jailer's Third Eye! " The voice bellowed out much like the tone of the Jailer's voice did. Energies now channeled within him as he suddenly fired off a beam of phantasmal energies. This, in turn, made the trio split apart in order to avoid the blast.
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" Randdu, don't let that thing get too close to us! Flank him! " Daev shouted out in command as the bat screeched in his attack, tackling the incoming, floating eyeball. Wings were a flutter and the sharp edges of his teeth were gnawing at the metal structure. " My teeff isn't working! " Sphula's tail suddenly came out of the ground below the Third Eye as he attempted a tail swipe to knock this thing backwards. Meanwhile, Daev struck from the other side of him with a sword by trying to stab into it's core. But, the trio found themselves battered, pelted, and blasted by a series of physical and magical attacks with each and every attempt they made to attack.
While they were actually putting up a decent fight the way they were, their unsynchronized assault was met with little success and they all found themselves falling to the ground. Daev, clutched his sword, using it as a cane to support his weakening state. " I... don't know... if we're going to make it through this... " Both animal familiars were shakily trying to get back up but having a hard time as it were. " Nooooo.... we were... so close... " Randdu tried to push through and noticed that the Third Eye was charging another focused blast. " Hey! Daev! Move! Get out of there! "
Daev actually stammered, attempting to pull himself away despite his lack of swiftness but ultimately, there was no hope left in his face as he froze up, watching as the beam of bright death was fired off towards him. His first reflex was to bring his arms up over his face until he felt a gust of wind directly in front of him before the blast made an impact with another object. " REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! " The ear-piercing shriek was released from Randdu who had taken the hit for Daev. " Why... didn't you... move... you.... dumbass... uhhh... " Randdu's physical form faded away and the energies that were left over instantly traveled into Daev's left arm, funneled back to the source.
" Randdu! " Daev shouted as he felt himself beginning to panic. For the first time, the man that was once Duraxxor found himself as helpless as ever. Fists clenching as the Third Eye began to charge another attack. " I don't... want to be weak.. I need... more... Power! " He took off towards Sphula, reaching to grab for the serpent so that he could wrap him around his body. " I'm not letting you take the fall for me, Sphula! We'll get through this! "
The energies of the beam began to grow, nearly complete in preparation for another attack much like before. " ... You fool... if you die... I die too... I.. haven't... given up... she issss... closssse... " Sphula explained the little fact that the Sorceress herself was drawing closer, meaning that soon, there would be other's there to rescue them much like his father. " Yeah... you're right... Malakortana won't let us die... right? She's always there... when you least expect it... " Daev spoke these words as if they were the only thing they could truly do in the moment, hearing the energies hum behind them just as his legs began to give out. " I need.. more power! Malakortana! I need your guidance right now! I don't know what to do! I need your STRENGTH! "
The fully charged beam was fired off in a straight shot for them as it made contact, exploding with anima magics in the form of a plume. Smoke lingered in the air after the dust began to clear and the Third Eye peered towards the the area they had stood. At first glance, it appeared they completely bit the dust from his final attack. However, something most unexpecting occured as this anima sentry felt the heartbeat pulse of anima from within. With that being said, the dust cleared and a tall figure stood there, silently. A crimson scaled tail with spines wriggled left and right, jutting just beyond a black outfit that was comprised of a pair of pants and a closed trenchcoat that was embroidered with a deep red design. A hood, delicately hid the features above the nose line of this being. Skin-tone was a paleness with a hint of sanguine glow splashed into it as a pair of onyx lips curled significantly, protruding now with elongated, venomous fangs. From behind said lips, a voice called out.
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" It'ss time, we ssettled the sscore, little occuluss. Now, you shall know the power of the bond between usss and The Lady of Vicioussssnessss... “ [ Tags: @sanguinesorceress​ and @safrona-shadowsun​. Bottom art credit goes to @handhour-galleries​ ]
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Sanditon rewatch: Ep. 7
I'm convinced now that Sidney was never seriously considering marrying Eliza. He's not fully aware till the end of the episode but he already chose Charlotte a long time ago. Also, Eliza doesn't deserve my sympathy. Let us begin. Warning: long af
Lady D is about to croak and Tom reveals to Mary that if she dies they'll be bankrupt and lose everything. Mary is shook and Tom's like hey I'm just speaking the truth like you wanted, right? and he manages to say this like the whole thing was Mary's idea to put them in this position
Sidney makes a renewed effort with Georgiana. He apologizes for being a shitty guardian and promises to make amends but Georgiana is unconvinced (and still heartbroken over Otis) and tells him "Men like you cannot change"--- does she mean unfeeling men? White men? idk but that's exactly his inner conflict this episode, his doubts about whether he can really change. His apology to Georgiana shows that he's still taking Charlotte's words to heart and continuing his efforts to open up from episode 6 BUT now with his past back to haunt him (Eliza) how tf is he supposed to open up and heal from a decade of hurt and isolation when the cause of it waltzed back into his life? But I'm jumping ahead...
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He runs into Char and he's back to ep 3 levels of friendliness. A small but warm smile from Char who is more reserved after the Eliza situation at the ball and not sure where they stand. And that's basically Charlotte's conflict this episode-- uncertainty, confusion and mixed signals galore! First up, "I might wait for you downstairs" -- def a positive/ he loves me sign
"You know how sharp the agony of separation can be" --rather bold, Charlotte? bc technically he's never actually spoken to her about Eliza. But his reaction is more chill than you'd expect like he's more over it than we thought? 
"Fate has a strange way of surprising even the most jaded amongst us." Something that comes up a lot this episode is fate, particularly for Sidney, more on that later. So he's obviously talking about Eliza resurfacing, but all I'll say for now is he doesn't look all that pleased thinking about it. Then some light banter and idk shit about flirting but they're fucking flirting. And just when it gets going we cut to the Denhams WHY?? Srsly for every 2 minutes with Char we get like 10 with the Denhams! Anyway, even if Char isn't totally sure where his head is at this convo is definitely a positive signal
Char helps Tom with final regatta prep and then his kids bust in screaming about Uncle Sidney and the "pretty lady" he brought with him...traitors
Enter Eliza and everyone is thrilled to see her while Charlotte is suddenly chopped liver, sheepishly looking on. Then Sidney spots her but instead of the warmth and friendliness from what, an hour ago? he looks at her with the same distant glance he gave her at the ball when he first reunited with Eliza and gahklghklh that fucking look! It's the look you give to a stranger you accidentally make eye contact with and it's no big deal just awkward but there's something that really quietly stings about getting this indifferent look that seemingly feels nothing for you and shows no recognition from someone you thought you were cool/ friends/ close with ghakghmysocialphobicass but at least he did look conflicted for a second. So bringing Eliza, and that awkward stranger's glance, what's Charlotte supposed to think?? + 2 negative signals i.e. he loves me not
Eliza: at the last regatta i was at blah blah damn we get it you're rich and Sanditon is beneath you, geez. She masked the bitchiness with such charm however that you kind of let it slide until she looks down at Charlotte with cheap politeness and a disdainful smile-- hell no. Sidney is friendly to Charlotte again but he's also strutting around with his ex so like...you're tearing her apart, Sidney!  Negative
Eliza's oh so subtle "who did you say that girl was?" Guess she forgot about the inconsequential frizzy haired house guest (who I assume she was introduced to earlier unless Charlotte pulled a Charlotte and ran tf outta there) but now after witnessing a mere 10 second interaction between them her rival sense is tingling
"She is a rather sweet little thing" --she says this like a sophisticated evil stepmother lol. Sidney gives one of his courtesy smiles but he totally sensed her cattiness bc then he turns away with this not amused look on his face. Apparently her strategy is infantalize her
Enter Lady Susan. Tom is already seeing money and sucking up to her, geez man show some dignity. She ever so elegantly tells him to stfu because she's only here for Charlotte
Oh yeah, Lady D has officially recovered and gives us this gem: "If anyone deserves credit it is the ass whose milk restored my strength" this crazy bitch I swear...
Lady Susan starts with the local gossip before diving into her otp drama. Char's like nah he's taken but Susan has no time for Char's doubts. She gives a quick rundown of Eliza's stats before setting up a game plan--- and she does this all no more than 6 feet away from Eliza herself. Lady Susan is that bitch.
Tom raving about how happy Sidney is now (he's not, and if he is it's bc of Charlotte, you ignorant slut) and already pushing the idea of marriage and Sidney's like what's the rush, and Tom's like I need the fucking money. Ok, I'm sure Tom does genuinely care about his brother's happiness but let's be honest, he cares first and foremost for that Campion mula. Would he be this encouraging if he knew he was into Charlotte? I think not
Arthur of all people has the sense to remember that this is the woman who betrayed him HELLO!? And he's right, how could you just trust that person again? What's he gonna tell their kids-- she left me for a richer man then 10 years later after he died I knew it was my time to shine!  Sorry, how is this a happy prospect? Forgive yes, but don't be stupid have some self respect, man!
A parallel scene with Charlotte talking to Stringer. Oh, Young Stringer. So yeah his dreams are dashed
"It could be that we share the same thoughts" --a moment of silence for Stringer's hopeful smile that dropped like a dead fly. Andrew Davies basically made him the John Chivery of Sanditon. He's sweet, kind, sympathetic af, but for all he has in common with Charlotte he's purely a friend/ brother to her. Also that hat, I went this long without saying anything but srsly all I see is
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I'm glad that after having a moment to be upset he at least gets to win the race before bowing out gracefully
Arthur outta the blue decides to sneak Georgiana out to the regatta. They do make an amusing pair but man, Georgiana was wasted this episode. She doesn't end up doing anything. They were clearly just setting up for next episode where they tease them as a couple
The rowing scene.
S: What do you think Ms. Heywood, do I look ready to you? C: How tf should I know? --Do I detect a hint of annoyance in her tone? She's really keeping a distance, not opening up to any friendly banter
"A man cannot step in the same river twice..."  His admiration when she completes the quote --a great example of how they connect on a deeper, intellectual level. And also very revealing. Imo the Heraclitus quote shows that Sidney has long since decided not to be with Eliza. That's not a quote expressing doubt or asking a question, it makes a decisive statement and Sidney spends the whole episode getting confirmation of it everywhere: from Arthur, from Charlotte, even Eliza herself. In every interaction he has with Eliza (after the initial shock/ excitement of her return has worn off) I would describe Sidney as quietly disappointed. There's no life in any of their conversations, nothing particularly joyful or angry, nothing beyond politeness though Eliza certainly tries. In the deleted scene (which seems to take place soon after she arrives) Sidney is quick to point out they're not the same people anymore. That's not someone who is torn between 2 women. That's someone going thru a low key personal crisis at the realization that his Daisy Buchanon who he spent a decade heart broken over is really nothing special. And kind of fake. Maybe there's even some guilt that he's not in love with her anymore and hasn't been for a while? Idk, but by the time he quotes Heraclitus I feel like he's reaching acceptance
So a big positive signal when he asks her in the boat, and almost immediately asks:
"Why is it when I finally have a chance at happiness I cannot accept the fact?"
Charlotte gives sincere advice, though she has every reason to believe this is about Eliza--but actually, I'm not really sure if she is the happiness he's referring to bc really by reconnecting with Eliza and bringing her to the regatta it's his chance at happiness with Charlotte that he's not accepting. Then the question of fate comes back:
S: "I had convinced myself that I was destined to remain alone, that I was ill-suited for matrimony."
C: "I don't believe anybody is truly unsuited to marriage, not even you. I suppose it's just a question of compatibility."
The real thing holding him back is his deep-seated belief that he's not good enough. Fate for Sidney is a cruel force working against him, it's the stuff about himself he believes he can't change. Charlotte not only rejects this idea, but her suggesting it's about finding the right person also implies one has a choice and control over the matter--a far cry from ep. 4 when she was convinced he was inherently disagreeable. It's a much more positive and very different perspective to Sidney's fatalist view and maybe that's why he seems really struck by her reply.
On the one hand there's something endearingly dumbass about him talking to the girl he loves about his ex (albeit in vague words) and asking advice on whether he's marriage material because he values her opinion that much. I mean he basically tells Charlotte I think I found the one (you) but I'm worried I'll screw it up bc my ex fucked me up and I've been carrying this baggage for 10 years, what do you think?  Who else has he opened up to like this?? Nobody. And with that, he agrees then ends the conversation (is this acceptance that Eliza wasn't all that and maybe he's not destined to be alone?) and on to rowing (moving on with CHARLOTTE?)
His near constant eye contact while they row lol he's not subtle at all. Before I ever watched the show I saw gifs of Sidney touching her waist with no captions and I was like how tf could that level of contact be justified? I must say even with the context of teaching her proper rowing posture, he just barely gets away with it. Real smooth, Sidney 😏
Eliza looks quite threatened when she spots them. She calls his name and Sidney suddenly stands up leaving Charlotte with the oars and he just like
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It's so awkward wtf was he pretending to do 😂
Good for Esther, finally breaking away from her turd of a stepbrother but I'm gonna skip to Charlotte's breaking point
Susan: I know Eliza's weakness 
Char: WHATISIT
I love that Eliza's weakness isn't anything wrong with her personally, her "achilles heel" is the fact that she's not Charlotte, she's just not the one Sidney loves. Susan saw this and really apart from moral support she was there to sit back and watch it all play out lol she just had that much faith in her ship
Poor Char looks so vulnerable and uncomfortable when Eliza shows up in the tent with Sidney. When Susan brings up marriage Char's like FUCK and Sidney's like 😲 before politely declining to comment. Char answers in her genuine cinnamon roll way and then Eliza opens her damn mouth. Char and Sidney keep observing each other during this whole scene trying to read each other
Let me translate Eliza's genteel opinion on Charlotte's marriage prospects:  You're a nobody village girl who has nothing in common with us, you wouldn't even understand all the fancy city talk that I absolutely excel at. Validate me, Sidney! 
So she's switched to the simple country girl angle. Clever. And finally:
Sidney: "I have no doubt Charlotte would rather be sat somewhere quietly reading Heraclitus"
Eliza: "Sidney you are wicked! That will certainly not help her find a husband." *sips her fucking champagne*
Char: "You're quite right Mrs. Campion. I'm a farmer's daughter who reads books. What could I possibly have in common with anyone here?"
I really believe Sidney was trying to lighten the awkward mood/ change the conversation, and if it had been anyone other than Eliza I bet Charlotte would've recognized the little inside joke as his way of acknowledging the phony society talk and saying I'm totally with you on this (just like they bonded over feeling out of place at the masquerade ball) but with Eliza-- aka his rich, sophisticated ex who she already feels inferior to-- turning it into a put down becomes for Charlotte a confirmation of what she's been afraid of this whole time: that Sidney Parker could never love a simple farmer's daughter like her. Eliza's snarky little triumphant smile kills any sympathies I might've had for her: bitch you are my enemy
This was the straw that broke the camel's back for Charlotte. She's been getting mixed signals from Sidney since he arrived. While he's spent the day working out his emotions and facing his past he's unintentionally confused tf out of her. Eliza's snarkiness brings out all the anxiety and insecurity that's been bubbling under the surface and she finally just comes out and says what she's been thinking for a while now which is: wtf, Sidney?
"Is that all I am to you, a source of amusement?"-- it's not just about the Heraclitus comment, it's about everything --the heart eyes and soft smiles and teaching her to row, dancing specifically with her at the masquerade ball, his changed manner toward her, the deep personal conversations, etc ---Charlotte is done racking her brain and looking for a sign, she just wants to know already did any of that mean anything? Was he just having fun with no regard for her feelings?
"What is it you want from me?" -- Why does he keep seeking her out and having these seemingly special moments with her, giving her reason to believe/hope he has feelings for her?
Sidney can't give an answer. He just stands there like when Eliza turned his words into a joke at Charlottte's expense, visibly feeling bad about it but saying nothing. Wtf happened to the Sidney who told Charlotte she's more than equal to any rich lady and made it unabashedly clear he wanted to dance with her and her alone? He falls back into that politely distant manner towards Charlotte whenever Eliza's around. You'd think she's his mother the way he clams up! And for Charlotte that was the tipping point, no wonder she concludes:
"I'm no longer in doubt as to how you regard me" 
A great moment for Charlotte honestly. She says how she feels, makes it known that she's had enough and removes herself from a situation. Defend your pure cinnamon roll heart, Charlotte 😭
She also kind of forces Sidney to man up and decide for himself whether he can/ will truly change. And to prove that to Charlotte, he has to take down his walls and be open/ honest/ vulnerable and tell her exactly what she is to him, and what he wants from her. Yes, he's been hurt in the past and he's understandably conflicted but like... it's Charlotte's feelings too!
Sure, I've considered Eliza's side in all this. Maybe she was forced into a loveless marriage and just did what she had to do? Maybe she suffered as much as Sidney? Maybe, but NOPE. True, we don't get much of her background or perspective but what we do get makes it pretty clear what kind of person she is, specifically the way she treats Charlotte, and how she tries to manipulate Sidney
The minute she thinks Charlotte poses a threat she starts belittling her. First at the beach, referring to her as a child. Then she purposely seeks her out and uses the marriage conversation to tell her and everyone listening (read: SIDNEY) that she doesn't belong in their high society company and is not good enough for Sidney. Then she takes it further when she twists Sidney's Heraclitus comment to suggest she's not marriage material at all, and after Charlotte, visibly hurt and upset, excuses herself how does she react?
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Totally fucking pleased with herself. Then during the race she feels the need to tell Charlotte "I've never seen the point in entering a race unless you win it" --tf? So this is a competition to her? In any of her veiled messages to Char does she ever hint at how much she loves Sidney or that he loves her? No. It's always a cheap shot at Charlotte. Eliza's goal in all this is clearly beyond Sidney, it's about her pride. It's the fact she doesn't want to lose to someone she thinks is beneath her
She makes similar attempts at inception with Sidney, conveniently glossing over the fact that she chose to leave him for a rich richer man. She insists she's the same girl he remembers (the one who left him for a richer man lol) that she's waited 10 years for him (waited for her husband to die?) and that she "never lost hope" that they'd be together again-- as if she wasn't the one responsible for their separation to begin with 😒 You know, because she left him for a richer man. And he must've been pretty damn rich bc she's now like the wealthiest widow in England. So let's not mince words, she knew what she was doing. The fact that she was willing to leave the man she supposedly loved and the way she looks down on Charlotte make it clear that social status and wealth are very important to her. More important than Sidney. So much more important that she has no problem destroying his happiness a second time just so a farmer's daughter doesn't "win" what she feels entitled to
In their last scene together she all but proposes to him, saying "Fate has gifted us a second chance" -- her face when she says this is like please believe my bs-- and Sidney? Sidney looks tired. These words bring him back full circle to his conversation with Char at the start of the episode. Fate for Sidney has been tied to Eliza ever since she left him 10 years ago. It's why he's believed himself to be "ill-suited for matrimony" and "destined to be alone" and never questioned it all these years until he met Charlotte
It's interesting that Sidney and Charlotte both have a fear of not being good enough for the other, but for very different reasons. For Charlotte, there was never any competition between her and Eliza. She pretty much immediately steps aside and tries to accept that he's with her the minute she arrives--which is admirable but also kind of sad how quickly she assumes she doesn't, or never, stood a chance with Sidney. She tells Stringer it was a "futile attachment" and "there's nothing to be done." Even with Susan backing her up, she's just trying to drown her hopes, thinking herself insensible to ever have believed he could return her feelings. By the end of the regatta, she's still trying to convince herself
Susan: "You must not lose heart. The race is not yet run."
Char: Thank you, but I'm more or less resigned to its outcome"
Susan: "When it comes to love, there is no such thing as a foregone conclusion" 
aka FATE. Lady Susan sharing the same opinion Char spoke to Sidney on the boat
Tom at least gives Charlotte credit for the regatta's success before heaping all this praise on Mary and even she looks at him like tf I was busy with the kids the whole time. He doesn't even mention the work Sidney put in and makes this a lesson of trusting his wife like no you idiot, this whole thing was a success bc of Charlotte and your brother's devotion, and the fact that your top investor just happened to not die-- your ass got lucky! Needless to say he's learned absolutely nothing
The Confession. Charlotte looks wistfully at the Sanditon model in Tom's study-- a nice parallel to when she first saw it all wide eyed and filled with wonder at the possibilities of this little beach town 😤
Enter Sidney, keeping a respectful distance. Charlotte assumes he returned to London with Eliza and I'm just gonna quote Sidney's whole thing with comments okay:
"She's already left." --Good riddance 
"I decided against joining her." --Char's words when she popped up in the brothel lol but the key thing is HE DECIDED
"On reflection, I realized I would rather be here." --as in here WITH YOU, Charlotte. He finally has the closure he needed to say goodbye to Eliza and let go of that part of his life. So why go back to London where Charlotte is not?
"I am a great deal less than perfect. You've made me all too aware of that." -- since meeting her he can no longer ignore how closed off and detached he's been from his life and those around him, he can no longer accept how his past heartbreak has affected him
"But for whatever it's worth, I believe I am my best self, my truest self...when I'm with you. That is all." --  He just dips after he says this but this is probably the most selfless thing he could've done atm. He decided to be completely honest and vulnerable here, and regardless of how she feels for him--bc he's not asking for any response-- he's answering her question and telling her exactly what she is to him: She's the one who brings out the best in him. She's the one he feels his truest self with-- the true self he's been holding back for years. In other words, she's EVERYTHING to him. She's hope that he can change, she's his chance at happiness, she's freedom from his past!
Ok fine I'm overanalyzing at this point but it just hit me how significant this is for Sidney's arc, okay-- Given a second chance with Eliza, Sidney Parker said FUCK FATE
Ep 8 is when he was supposed to answer "what do you want from me?" --which was ofc to marry her... you know, before everything goes to heck. Damn you, Tom...
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penandwonder · 4 years
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An open letter
By: penandwonder
Hey you! I wanted to tell you something. This, if someone really loves you that person will be selfless for you and your happiness. When someone loves you, he'll be happy for you even though he isn't part of the party. He won't be selfish that he wants you to be his and only his. He won't have this mindset: if I can't have you, no one else can. See?
Also, that person will be patient with you, through all your tantrums and mood swings, he'll be there. According to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7; "Love is patient and kind, never jealous, boastful, proud, or rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do. Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil. Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting." Now, do you understand what love meant?
But one problem is that when we love someone, we became very selfless that we literally become selfless, we are so selfless to the point that we don't know ourselves anymore, that we let go of who we are completely.
We often neglect our own happiness that we very much deserve for other people. We think of what other people would think, what they would say, what they would feel; I'm not saying that we shall not take these as a consideration but, always remember that your heart here is your priority. Why? Because it's yours, that's your heart not theirs. It is you who will reap the fruits of your own decisions, it is you who might live a life of regrets, full of questions like "Why didn't I?" Not them.
One more thing is we crave for love to the point that we seek love in the wrong places, we seek love in the wrong people.
The same thing to the people we love. If we know that they don't love us anymore, if there's really no more chances, let go. Because if it really can't be saved and we chose to stay, we'll only kill ourselves staying and trying to revive a dead relationship.
How do we know when it's dead? Simple. If it's only you who works for it, if it's only you who puts in all the effort, if it's only who appreciates the relationship. It's time to let go. Why? People say that if you want to be in a long term relationship, choose to stay. But, stay for the right person. Not for the person who only knows is to take you for granted. Don't stay for a person who is so complacent that you love him so much to the point that he puts no more effort for you. It takes two to tango, it takes two for a relationship to work.
It's stated in the scripture, James 2: 17: "In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead." The same way in love, without action it is dead; without action it meant nothing.
One more thing, if you think that there's no more hope for your ill-fated relationship. Don't think about the years you spent with that person, don't think about the memories. Why? I know it will come to you that it will become a waste. Yes, it is. But don't cry over spilled milk. Do something about it. You know it's spilling, you know it's becoming a waste of time, why'd you just settle and waste more? Love yourself, know your worth. Jesus didn't die on that cross for you just so some person who isn't even right for you to break you down and crush you. Take care of your heart, it wasn't beating for years just so someone can break it.
Lastly, I want you to read my life verse: Isaiah 61: 4; it says: And they shall rebuild the ancient ruins; they shall raise up the former desolations and renew the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.
No matter how broken you are right now, time will come and you will be whole again. There's this way they do in Japan to fix broken things, they use gold to fill up the crevices. Our brokenness makes us unique and beautiful.
Here is excerpt from my favorite series The Young Elites by Marie Lu.
“We are drawn to stories," he says in a soft voice, “and every scar carries one.” He lifts a hand and places his palm gently against the ruined side of my face, covering the scar.
I look down, embarrassed now. Instinctively, I reach up to brush some of my hair over my face—only to remember that I no longer have long locks.
“Hiding it makes you more beautiful,” Magiano says. Then he takes his hand away, exposing my scar again. “But revealing it makes you you.” He nods at me. “So wear it proudly."
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verobatto · 5 years
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"Break the jar, and do it again." The slow construction of Canon Destiel
Ok people the hiatus is gone and the new chapter aired so we have now time for interesting thoughts…
This is another Destiel meta, sorry again if anyone already talked about this ideas, you can share your opinions here!
We want Destiel become canon. That's law. But how you get together two characters with such defectives inner issues? Like Cas and Dean? Are they ready to be together? I know we are just NEAR to... But we need just a little big step for that...
Before we start to break things here... I want to discuss about one of the most important tool used by Supernatural writers... And bc I like symbolic titles... I'm gonna title it like this...
Supernatural and the Phoenix Complex
Spn must be the most mortal series, and we have memes of our beloved characters's taste for dying over and over again throughout the entire series and reliving in the same season or in the next.
Like the Phoenix, they reborn from their ashes renewed. And that's the meaning from this.: "I'm giving you this so many chances to change your point of view, so you can see with new eyes."
Is the same concept with the breaking point trough lost, pain and tragedy.
Moving this idea to the slow construction of Canon Destiel, we had witnessed how they broke Cas and Dean over and over again, just to develop their characters into a renewed and healthy ones, only in this way, they'd be able to love each other in a plenty way.
So .. let's keep the concept about "breaking the defective jar, to make the jar again." A new one, a better one...
We need new Cas and new Dean, loving themselves, growing in self acceptance and learning about communication.
Ok .. now we're ready for the jam here...
... Let's brake some jars ...
1) Breaking Castiel
Well... We have this millennial Supernatural been with a very hard to break settings. A program that every angel have: Obedience, castity, submission and complete the mission. How do you break a program like that? We need a really good hacker... Maybe one with green eyes? 😹
Godstiel.
Godstiel was the result from a desperate decisions coming from Cas to protect Dean from another Apocalypse. Cas couldn't manage the immensely of having thousands of souls and the hug power corrupted him.
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But this traumatic experience didn't help Cas to improve. This experience gave us a depressing Castiel for the following two seasons. So this... Just depressed him deeply.
Human!Cas
Human!Cas was the breaking point for the character. This was the improvement he needed. Being human guide him to a brand new Cas. Changing his perspective about humanity and make him fell more in love with it 😉 if you know what I mean. This was the remarkable, tragic, but blessed situation that brought him to the bottom of himself. Yes. He was broken but still learning and growing. This was good for the character.
Empty!Cas and AUCastiel
Empty!Cas was another very important impulse for the character, at the beginning of the s13, where Cas talking with the Empty, was like "looking himself in the mirror" but not really, was more the meaning of it. Cas faces himself, his fears and feelings, he embraced all of that, and knowing he already was saved, he came back with his family. Closing this meaning by the end of the same season when he faces now AUCastiel, another "looking himself in the mirror" and he embraces his family, the Winchesters. Knowing AUCastiel helped Cas to reconciling with himself. And the meaning of killing that part of him, big development of the character. Cas killed all that lack of emotion, lack of fee will. Now he knows he don't regret chose Dean, humanity, and fell for it. That was huge for him, and prepared us to close his character issues. Now that he can love himself, he could freely love Dean.
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But... We still have that miscommunication factor that is the last step. Aaaand the little, tiny big detail that he already confessed his love to Dean and he felt rejected? Well yes... That's bad...
Mourning!Cas
Mourning!Cas, the actual arc, came to sell the character giving him the last lesson trough pain and loose. How this Cas, whom tasted corruption, depression, redemption, humanity, reacts now facing AUMichael!Dean. Facing lost. Facing this "bond in pause" as I mentioned in my other meta, as Dean faced it in s13 with Castiel's death. Well I'm not very sure about if he is into a soldier mode? Or depressing mode? I'm gonna choose the second one... When he talks with Jack and said WE ARE GONNS FIGHT AND GET DEAN BACK AND KILL AU MICHAEL and etc, etc... He is talking with himself, and he is almost in tears... Emotional... He looks more human in his facial expressions. So yes .. Cas is being very human... He miss Dean... The bond is in pause.... Sigh... I hope he become more determined and aggressive to get Dean back... Let's wait and see... But this episode 1 Cas sounded me like... "I just wait here, then" please come back Dean. 🤷 I'm clueless...
2) Breaking Dean
Dean had always the height from being the first born, the obedient son, carrying on his shoulders with the oppressive idea of a toxic masculinity, the responsibility for being the older brother, toxic codependency and last, but not less important, fighting against his repressed feelings and desires. This whole defective jar needs a lot of breaking.
His years in Hell
Well, we have a very heavy past here, Dean have been trough so many traumatic experiences, he had suffer the lost from his father and Sam. The pressure of being responsible of his father death and not being able to save his brother, consumed him I'm despair, and that led him to make that deal with the cross road demon.
Once in hell he breaks... And when he come back, he just talked about it once with Sam. And that's it. Bc Dean .. and here is the big growing up impediment of the character... He's the Master of Disguise.
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(And we have symbolism here again, bc Dean loves disguise, we had seen him in many chapters playing with it... He use disguise as an scape for fun... And for self protection. We could said he disguise his body and his feelings... And that's it)
So he pushes all those feelings again deep down his soul. This feelings and trauma doesn't' exist if I don't look at them. I'll be just fine!
So Hell was a traumatic experience, but it didn't improve the character for good. He remains as constipated emotionally as when he started. So... Not good.
Purgatory
I had already talked about how Dean facing his pure and true feelings in this place. This traumatic experience was positive for the character, bc how I said before, in Purgatory Dean realizes that he is in love with Cas when in his soul remains just what was pure in him (without others humans necessities). Maybe he wouldn't use the 'L' word here, he used the "Need" word as a love confession, then he felt rejected by Cas and decided locking his feelings again, but yes... Now he knows.
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Yes... Season 8 was good... 😏
The mark of Cain and Demon!Dean
This was very traumatic for Dean and for us! Dean become a monster. Literally. He hit bottom here... A very good breaking point! But again... He continued doing the same "put down the feelings, and everything will be just fine".
The only good thing here was this inner realization...
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This is what Dean learns going through that traumatic experience.
Cas showed him that he knew him very well, and even so, he accepted him. That was scary for Dean. That's a feeling he wasn't used to manage.
Something is growing up slowly in his mind, the idea of sharing his life with someone else...
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Gif from @veryamooseing blog
I like that seed that was planted and become to release a little bud...
And this idea is settled when Dean felt he was about to change and die. He was a monster that was about to kill his own brother. When he become in what he hated and hunted all his life, he breaks again and in that huge situation, he become to reorder his priorities. Love, family, retirement? Settled down with a hunter? Building Dean' cave and watch movies with Cas?
Mourning!Dean
Dabb's era brought us a recurring fact: Dean goes crazy when Cas isn't in the bunker or don't answer the phone.
We thought wen Cas come back Dean would be able to recognize his feelings for him and maybe... Tell him??? Or change a little about it? But no. What we get after all this mourning was again, the pushing down emotions and more fear. Yes... A disaster! Dean keeps locked into this emotional prison and he can't get out himself for it. He doesn't advance. He is stuck. And now that he's afraid of loosing people he loves (Castiel) and now that he realizes he's in love with Cas... Well more and more fear... Sigh...
Michael!Dean
Well this is so interesting plot and opportunity for Dean's character development. We have AUMichael talking with two people about LOVE, PEACE, PURITY AND SAVE THE WORLD. If this isn not a mirror for Empty!Cas then idk what it is... And yes .. this is AUMichael talking indirectly to Dean...
"You think you want peace? But you bring war all the time with your actions... You think you want Love? But you lock it down and ignore it. You think you have purity in your heart? But you are just lies. You think you save the world? But you can't even save you from your own hate for yourself.
Yes, this is a huge opportunity for Dean to begin once for all to grow up in self acceptance and in love for himself, facing as it was in Purgatory, the purity that remains in his heart and soul. He can reach peace enjoying retirement with Cas and Sam. He can love Cas romantically and he can love his family in a healthy way.
This is the new Dean we are expecting to find through S14. This is the kind of breaking point, phoenix complex, new and improved jar, we were waiting for Dean. Let's see what happens.
So slow, slow, slowly but with sure steps we hope the construction of Destiel Canon wait for us at the end of this journey.
Sorry... This is so large!! Did you really read this mess? I really sorry... But if you did, please feel free to discuss.
I'm tagging for debate...
@magnificent-winged-beast @sactownbrowns3 @lovemesomecas94 @naruhearts @thedogsled @dimples-of-discontent @lykanyouko @mrsaquaman187 @evvvissticante @agusvedder @navajolovesdestiel @destielhoneybee @castiellover20
And everyone who want to discuss!
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FIX YOUR CROWN!
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• TO ALL THE MAMA'S OUT THERE —
TO ALL THE GIRLS, LADIES & WOMEN— TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES AND YOUR MENTAL HEALTH!
• POUR INTO YOURSELVES, DAILY,
YOU CANNOT POUR FROM A EMPTY CUP!
• PLEASE READ THIS IN IT'S ENTIRETY.
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
I've H A T E D this woman...
Actually, I've not loved her at all sometimes.
I've fed her lies and told her she wasn't good enough and have allowed others to tell her she isn't good enough .. Nor worthy, even allowing others to treat her as such.
I've allowed her to be broken, used, lied to, cheated and abused. I've allowed others to treat her disrespectfully. I've allowed her to run through brick walls and battles and cross mountains and oceans .. for others who won't even acknowledge .. Nor even stand for her.
I couldn't stop others from abandoning her, hurting her, using her, betraying her, abusing her, Nor from stealing from her Nor lying to her; I couldn't stop others from Not loving her, Not respecting her and Not seeing Nor hearing her; I couldn't stop others from Not noticing.. Nor acknowledging.. Nor seeing her; I couldn't stop others from Not seeing Nor acknowledging her value and worth; but I've seen her stand up and be a light for the world and love others despite all that.
I have stood by silently and paralyzed by fear.. while she fought battles.. in her mind, heart, spirit and soul.. terrified.. alone.. broken.. weary.. exhausted.. hurting.. consumed.. doubtful.. cast aside.. put away.. neglected.. depressed.. angry and bitter.. chained.. haunted and tormented.. lonely and abandoned.
I have stood by silently and cowardly .. paralysed with enormous fear .. crippled with terror .. while people neglected and abandoned her .. while people used her .. while people hurt her .. while people cheated.. lied.. and took advantage of her .. while she was abused .. while her trust was being broken.. shattered.. diminished.. taken away and completely destroyed and obliterated .. while her
innocence was taken and stolen .. while her heart.. love and efforts.. was trampled.. broken.. tossed and cast away.. not appreciated.. not valued.. not respected.. trashed and thrown away.. And so much MORE.. MANY times throughout her entire life.
I have stood silent and still, in moments where— she desperately needed me .. When her world fell apart and came tumbling and crashing down .. In her darkest hours.. In her ugliest and saddest times.. In her dire heart wrenching moments of despair .. When she couldn't go on.. when she gave up and when she had absolutely no desire nor will to live .. When she couldn't afford to be alone .. Where she couldn't even get up .. Where and when she needed me to step up, get up, help, fight, stand up, be there, etc.. When she really and truly needed me ..
When she needed my love..
My grace..
My understanding..
My sympathy..
My comfort..
My mercy..
My kindness..
My respect..
My strength..
My faith..
My friendship..
My courage..
When she needed ME and when she needed me the MOST!
This woman has screwed up many times as a daughter, as a mother, as a wife, as a friend and as a Christian .. as a child..a daughter of God Almighty, because she didn't think she was worthy of self love or the love of others.
She has a temper and a smart mouth when mad, a stubborn streak, and she has secrets. She has scars because she has a history and has endured tremendous Battle's. She has one of the most unbelievably shocking, inspiring, heart wrenching and Faith filled Testimony's .. Her Story.
You would NEVER guess and think it or know by looking at her, and It took her a long epic road .. a journey filled with battles, loss, heartache and so much to get to where she is now, walking in her God given purpose.
Some people love this woman, some like her, and some don't care for her at all...
She has done good in her life, and she has done not so good in her life.
Every mistake, failure, trial, disappointment, success, joy and achievement has made her into who she is today.
You can love her or not---but if she loves you she will do it with her whole entire heart, mind and soul, with her entire being and without limits nor conditions. She gives her all and she'd give you the very shirt off her back.
She can sometimes be dramatic, clumsy and sometimes she is scatter-brained. Sometimes she's wrong and she humanly makes mistakes, sometimes she's right. She takes accountability and responsibility for her words and actions and owns them humbly. She apologizes when applicable, Actually.. She says sorry and apologizes way to much. She always Rights her wrongs, makes amends and she always forgives.
She is EXTRA in EVERY and ALL ways, in ALL that she does, says and in ALL that she is. She wears her heart on her sleeves, so to speak, she does everything outta love and from her heart, pouring love into all and trying to lift and build everyone up. She's a very kind, understanding, loving, empathic and compassionate woman of God. She will Never steal, she will Never lie to you, Nor use you, Nor deceive you. She doesn't like attention, the spotlight, Nor big crowds. She's claustrophobic and she's a bit shy and reserved until she warms up and opens up. She is as loyal and faithful, as they come and as they can get, truly honest, truthful and trustworthy, and she'll always have your back and best interest. She has a huge forgiving and loving heart and cares too much.
She was very lost and blind, year's ago and for a time, but The Lord God Almighty found her and changed her, renewed her, transformed her, started a work in her and she was born again, made into a new creation in Christ. She will Never pretend to be who she is not. She will make no apologies for who she is, Nor for her Faith, Walk, Relationship, Calling and Purpose in and with The Lord God Almighty. Never will she again.
This woman is a WARRIOR.
A WARRIOR & AMBASSADOR FOR CHRIST!
She's not perfect, but she has a lot of WORTH. Her Whole Entire WORTH rests and is in CHRIST Alone!
She Knows Her Worth, Value, Calling, Purpose, Strength, Life and Eternity — Is In and Only Found With and In The LORD GOD ALMIGHTY!
Because CHRIST Is IN Her,
She's UNSTOPPABLE!
She's UNSTOPPABLE,
Through CHRIST Who Strengthens Her!
Her Hope and Faith Alone, Is ONLY In CHRIST— Our Lord and Savior!
Gracefully Broken, But..
Beautifully Standing.
The Lord God Almighty .. who is The Potter, took her broken pieces .. her broken vessel made of clay, and made her WHOLE and NEW!!
She is LOVE.
She is LIFE.
She is TRANSFORMATION.
She is GRACE.
She is BRAVE.
She is LOVED.
She is FORGIVEN.
She is REDEEMED.
She is MADE NEW.
She is SAVED.
She is BORN AGAIN.
She is a NEW CREATION.
She was FEARFULLY, WONDERFULLY, & PURPOSELY MADE & CREATED!
She has been ADOPTED INTO GOD'S FAMILY.
She is a DAUGHTER OF GOD ALMIGHTY.
She is ROYALTY.
She is MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD ALMIGHTY!
Her DESTINY IS THE KINGDOM OF GOD ALMIGHTY!
She has a GOD-ORDAINED .. GOD-GIVEN .. CALLING & PURPOSE!
She has been—
• CLEANSED
• FORGIVEN
• SET FREE
• COVERED
• ATONEMENT MADE
• SIN DEBT PAID & COVERED
• SLATE WIPED CLEAN
• REDEEMED
• BAPTIZED
• SAVED
• BORN AGAIN
+ SO VERY MUCH MORE —
ALL IN, WITH, BECAUSE OF & DUE TO— CHRIST!
ALL GLORY BE TO—
THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY,
ALWAYS FOREVER and EVER!
... And she will NEVER stop loving, learning or moving forward....
... I Love this woman♥️ ....
... She is me ...... I'M THIS WOMAN <3
• LADIES I CHALLENGE YOU— to put this on your status with a picture of yourself, OR— Write This Down, Print It, Etc..
• LADIES— I CHALLENGE YOU ALL— TO WRITE OR PRINT THIS— AND READ IT ALL— OUT LOUD— EVERY SINGLE DAY— TO YOURSELF—
| START ACCEPTING IT | BELIEVING IT | SEEING IT | SPEAKING IT INTO YOUR LIFE | CLAIMING IT | ETC..
Love Each and Every Single One Of Y'all Always, and God Bless Y'all,
— Pastor Blackburn
AIGGM
#AIGGMKNOWYOURWORTHCHALLENGE
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dianareagon · 4 years
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Fear, triggers, lies, jealousy, control, bashing, anger, betrayal, abandonment, loneliness, disappointment, anger, confusion, rejection, failure, avoidance, brokenness.....
I took this list from another post I've been in the process of writing for weeks but can't quite figure out how to get it down. It's an incomplete list of the "hashtags" I'd use to describe what I've felt and have been struggling with.
I've been wrestling with knowing who my God is and I in Him while still feeling the real hurt and brokenness around me.
I've felt the brokenness of my own little family and the anger that's risen as a result. My girls are stuck in the middle telling me one thing and supposedly their dad another. I've felt such the anxious fear of being replaced and not good enough in a monstrous way....and I've tried controlling it by controlling the situation. Because that works 🙄🤦 And then I feel so guilty.
And I haven't just felt the weight and messy reality left in the wake of my husband leaving on my shoulders, but the tragic world my siblings and my kids are in with my parents' divorce. I definitely feel like we are a family being pulled and stretched apart: siblings who don't talk to each other, family members avoiding each other, whispers and lies being told behind backs, truths left untold feeding into minds wandering to those lies and putting tiny pieces together that don't belong....
And I find myself once again battling the scars of abandonment, failure, rejections, being criticized and, in turn, jealous of those who do better (or seem to do better) and have taken the place I wanted/had. I've been angry and unsuccessfully trying to control situations and people. I find myself retreating and coping in unhealthy ways that I honestly thought I'd shed long ago. I've felt lonely and abandoned, stuck in my own head and on my own little island with my kids struggling to do it all by myself while trying to keep the sharks that threaten my family at bay.
It's exhausting. And I know it isn't supposed to be this way.
I know God is in charge. I know He will see His will come to fruition. I know I'm getting in my own way. I know holding on to this fear just turns into frustration/anger and an unhealthy need to control. So why do I keep keep doing it other than it is just a familiar way I learned to cope growing up? I know better now.
I've been doing a study recently that has given me a renewed way to really cope and get through by putting on a new mindset. The author talked about turning worry to worship. I've done it time and time again, but I've been better about taking my hurts, anxious thoughts, fears, anger, etc. to God and just being an open book with Him as far as my struggles. But in the study the author talks about it's one thing to just list off what's wrong and to bring it to Him. I'm good at that. I poured my heart to Him and begged for my marriage, I'd asked Him to take this girl whose trying to mother my kids away and have wrestled with the hatred I feel right smack-dab in front of Him. I've admitted my anxiety and right grasp on false control and have asked Him to take it away. I've asked Him to fix things with my family, I've cussed in complete frustration and have admitted sins to Him only He knows. I've poured out my heart to him and been completely honest, hiding nothing about how I'm feeling and what I'm struggling with. I have an extremely open relationship with God that way and that's a good place to be in as far as talking to Him about everything and it has its place, but there's more.
She talks about instead of focusing on what's going wrong and what I can't control ( that anger and fear of being hurt, abandoned, replaced, not good enough, etc.) to focus on worshipping Him through it; not asking Him to take away what's in front of me, but praising Him for who He is in spite of the brokenness all around. So I've started really focusing on doing that any time I'm frustrated or hurting. Just praise Him. Nothing else.
When I get angry about that girl and her total disrespect for my family and role as mother, I have instead praised God for the kids he has giving me, the opportunity to be their mother, and His faithfulness through this entire situation. When I'm frustrated on behalf of the kids that their dad doesn't call, I can be grateful for that in interrupted time with my people and praise God for that. When I'm angry with myself for my poor decisions, I bring that guilt and shame to God and ask for forgiveness, but I praise Him for the forgiveness and acceptance He gives. I praise Him for another opportunity for me to realize how much I need Him and cannot do this on my own. Even when I'm getting frustrated with the simplest things like kids leaving their crap everywhere, I take that moment to thank God that I have kids in my house to leave their crap everywhere! Being reminded that there is always an opportunity to praise Him in all things. Having this mindset and not just "here's what's wrong" has been a good dose of medicine these last couple days.
So here's to praising God and new "hashtags."
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