#the witcher shitpost

[horsedadgeralt]

have fun figuring out who says what

#yennskier #yenskier #the witcher #yennefer #yennefer of vengerberg #jaskier #the witcher meme #yennskier meme #the witcher shitpost #kathi memes #as in to meme the verb

[gabetheunknown]

I rewatched Brooklyn Nine Nine again and I can totally see Jaskier and Valdo interacting with each other like Wuntch and Holt

This has been living rent free in my head for the past weeks and I just had to draw it

Click for better quality, Tumblr likes to make it sucky <3

#I cannot draw horses and I will not take criticism thank you #I do what I want #my boyfriend upon seeing some panels: You convey emOTION #jaskier #valdo marx #the witcher #geralt of rivia #geralt #the witcher art #the witcher shitpost #comic #my art #gabe's art #brooklyn nine nine

[pterodactylterrace]

Jaskier gets taken A LOT. Like at least once a year while on The Path.

The first time it happens, they are coming down the blue mountains from Kaer Morhen. Jaskier had wandered off, claiming the need to search for inspiration not long after they had made camp, halfway down the mountain. Geralt became worried when he wasn’t back within the hour. He was downright frantic when he caught the scent of a grizzly bear when the wind shifted directions.

He took off in the direction Jaskier had been wandering, his stomach dropping when the scents of the bear and Jaskier’s perfume met. He was damn near frantic by the time he reached the bear’s cave, steel sword in hand, only to be met with Jaskier sitting calmly by a mother bear as she kept him wrapped in her paws, licking his head as though he were a cub needing groomed.

“Oh, hello Geralt.” Jaskier greeted upon seeing him, the bear rumbling low in her throat at the intruder. “Oh come now, he’s no threat.” Jaskier huffed, carefully wiggling away and going to rejoin his friend.

“Geralt!” Jaskier gasped when he saw him take a defensive stance, seemingly unaware of the bear following after him. “She just lost her cub, have a heart!” He scolded.

“She’s going to eat you!”

“She is a grieving mother!” Jaskier insisted, moving between the two of them, hands on his hips as he glared at Geralt. “And I for one will NOT allow this cycle to continue any further! Beartha, while it has been a lovely afternoon, I’m afraid I must depart now. I wish you all the best, and I pray to all the gods to heal your broken heart.” Jaskier actually BOWS to the damn bear. Geralt thinks he is having a stroke when the bard just wanders back out after that, the bear rumbling sadly as she curls back up where she had been previously grooming the bard.

The next time had been significantly more terrifying. An archgriffon had swooped down and snatched him up, flying off before Geralt could even draw his crossbow. It took days to track it down, each passing hour feeling more hopeless than the last.

Geralt has never felt such a sense of relief than when he spotted the griffin’s nest, faintly hearing Jaskier’s singing floating down. His relief was short lived, however, as a shadow flew overhead before landing back in the nest.

Geralt doubled his efforts in reaching the nest, sure his friend was going to be griffin good by the time he reached him.

Instead, his ears picked up a rather interesting conversation.

“Isabelle, I already told you, I don’t eat raw venison.” Jaskier sighed, a few chirps and a slow squawk following his words.

“Deer is venison. I can’t eat it without cooking it and I don’t very well have access to fire, now do I?” Another slow trill.

“Exactly. I will be just fine with these lovely berries, if SOMEONE would stop trying to steal them! Violet! You eat the deer, let me have those!” Now a smaller, almost pouting chirp, followed by a low rolling rumble.

“Thank you, Isabelle! See? Even your mother agrees!”

Geralt slowly makes his way around the edge of the cliff, eying the nest warily. It’s tucked back in a corner of rock face, only a small ledge leading around to it. Jaskier spots him first, lighting up and marching towards him like this entire situation was somehow normal.

The griffin mother pounces instantly, her wings wrapping around the bard as she spits acid at Geralt who just barely manages to get his quen up in time.

“Now, now, Isabelle! Geralt is a dear friend and not a threat!” Jaskier huffs, carefully wiggling out from behind her wings and facing her with a stern look. The griffin tilts her head at him and chirps, Jaskier sighing and shaking his head in response.

“The one I told you about? I swear, it’s like you don’t remember a thing I say!” Jaskier huffed. “I told you I would only be able to stay until he came for me.” Now the baby griffin chirps from the nest, flapping her wings despondently.

“Violet, we knew this day would come.” Jaskier soothes, stepping around the mother and gently patting the baby’s head. “I had a wonderful time, but alas, I must depart. And Isabelle? No more kidnapping nannies! Violet is big enough to join you when you leave the nest. No one needs to stay with her now.”

Then there was the time with the succubus. Admittedly, that had been less of a bardnapping and more of Jaskier not having any self preservation instincts. All it took was the succubus asking him to join her for some annual festival/mating event and he was gone. Thankfully Eskel was the “prized guest” at said event and helped bring the bard back to Geralt. Turns out the Succubi consider the scarred Witcher a good omen and claim his presence at the event brings about a year of good fortune.

Geralt is currently working on the prototype for the continents first bard leash. So far it’s just a rope that he threatens to tie around his waist if he wanders off again. Jaskier thinks he’s joking. He’s not.

#the witcher eskel #the Witcher #the witcher shitpost #Jaskier #Geralt #eskel

[dandelion-and-the-wolf]

Netflix writers making Jaskier a minuscule percent elf, probably to cover the fact he called himself “other”: that’ll stop them trying to insist the bard is queer constantly!

Joey Batey, out here doing the Lord’s work as usual: Oh, two Jaskier’s in a room would absolutely bend each other over the bar and fuck themselves silly.

#the witcher #jaskier #netflix the witcher #joey batey #the witcher jaskier #jaskier the bard #just let us have this one thing #let joey have this one thing #he’s earned it #the witcher shitpost #the witcher show #jaskier is not straight #i will die on this fucking hill #julian alfred pankratz #mine #dandelion talks #blood origins #blood origin spoilers

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

I have a new headcanon that's been haunting me since yesterday:

the kaer morons are the type of brothers that run 5ks on holidays but not for charity (it's a nice bonus but not why they started nor continued)

no these fuckers are just so goddamned competitive that they have to just get something big and exhausting out of the way or else theyll turn everything all holiday into a competition and ruin it

jaskier is horrified when he finds this out until he shows up at the race and sees the other two significant others holding signs with a shitty but delightfully insulting rhyme and "Kick Eskel's/Geralt's/Lambert's ass babe!" On tshirts.

he finds out whoever won last year is usually the target of the other two and the last to finish the race buys drinks at the nearest pub after and they all go eat their weight in pasta.

the next holiday, he gets invited to the spouse decorating night where they drink wine, make tshirts with puff paint like they're back in high school and make fun of their boys a little.

he has found his people

and Geralt is extra handsy after a race with all that adrenaline so it's a win win for him

#the witcher #the witcher modern au #geralt #jaskier #eskel #lambert #geraskier #the witcher headcanon #the witcher shitpost

[handwrittenhello]

fanart i drew of geralt dying in a glue trap

#the witcher #glue trap #glue trap meme #the witcher shitpost #the witcher meme #geralt #geralt of rivia #hhartt

[seidenbros]

Jaskier: We've known each other for so long.

Geralt: Quite a few years, yes.

Jaskier: Inside, we both know what's been going on.

Geralt: What do you mean?

Jaskier: I just wanna tell you how I'm feeling.

Geralt: I know that already.

Jaskier: Gotta make you understand!

Geralt: Jaskier... NO!

Jaskier taking his lute: Never gonna give you up! Never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around and desert you!

Geralt: JASKIER! Not again!

#the witcher #jaskier #dandelion #the witcher ne #geralt of rivia #geralt x jaskier #geraskier #the witcher shitpost #I don't know why my brain works like this #rickrolling through the night

[thenerdyindividual]

Geralt from The Witcher has the vibes of a D&D Barbarian, but mechanically is more of a Paladin. Whereas Adora from She-Ra has the vibes of a D&D Paladin, but mechanically is more of a Barbarian.

#the witcher #geralt #geralt of rivia #the witcher tv #she ra #spop adora #adora shera #shera #she ra adora #spop shitpost #dungeons and dragons #d&d #d&d classes #the witcher shitpost #the witcher memes #the witcher meme #she ra memes #she ra and the princesses of power

[captainsy-cookiemonster]

soooo... idk what’s up with this but it made me think of someone... 👀

#geralt of rivia #geralt of rivia shitpost #geralt of rivia shit post #the witcher #the witcher shit post #the witcher shitpost #geralt the horse girl #horse girl geralt

[top-notch-swords]

not me actually getting separation anxiety from Dandelion when going to a different part of the continent :(

#- Geralt probably #no but rrly me playing tw3 #guys I miss him #i miss not just saving every time at the Rosemary #but actually me being surprised pikachu face when sailing to skellige took me a map away from him :( #i miss him so much #gamer struggles fr #comfort character #geralt of rivia #geralt x dandelion #geralt x jaskier #geralt z rivii #geraskier #the witcher #the witcher 3 #the witcher incorrect quotes #the witcher memes #witcher incorrect quotes #witcher 3 #the witcher shitpost #dandelion #gerlion #game geralt #game dandelion #jaskier #julian alfred pankratz #joey batey

[horsedadgeralt]

#jaskier #the witcher #the witcher memes #geralt of rivia #geraskier #the witcher shitpost #the witcher meme #kathi memes #as in 'to meme' the verb

[gabetheunknown]

Modern day Geralt exclusively calling Cirilla by her full name when he’s around Jaskier because Jaskier has a stupid Iphone and Geralt is super done with Siri constantly telling him “I’m sorry I didn’t get that”

#the witcher #the witcher shitpost #siri #ciri #cirilla fiona elen riannon #geralt #jaskier #gabe's thoughts #I'm procrastinating on my fic

[pterodactylterrace]

You know what? Game cannon Eskel is a big fan of using live bait. You first encounter him when he is using Lil Bleater as bait. Then when you’re drinking with him he mentions using an alchemist as bait for the katakan.

Now I’m imagining a scenario where he has a tag a long that he regularly uses as bait on hunts. Jaskier wrote songs that made Geralt famous. You regularly get slathered in various substances and told to stand in a field.

Jaskier is belting out Toss a Coin and raking in the money. You are currently being assured that Eskel’s knows what he’s doing and you’re completely safe as he slathers this awful smelling goo because he has to draw the cemetaur somehow.

#eskel #Jaskier #the witcher shitpost #kaer morons

[comfyswitcherblanketfort]

Jaskier sending Geralt a picture of pretty horses to try and cheer him up/distract him from a bad day and then coming home to a sobbing sputtering mess bc the spiral went from ‘im a disaster’ to ‘i miss my fucking horses’ and all Ciri’s stuffed horses are in a little circle around him where he sits on the floor and Jask cant decide if hes more disturbed by the idea that their 8 y/o daughter put all the toys around him before she went to her mom’s for the weekend or Geralt arranging them like he was trying to summon Roach. 

#the witcher headcanon #the witcher shitpost #horse girl geralt #geralt #jaskier #ciri #modern au #the witcher modern au #dont look too closely there

[handwrittenhello]

April Fool's asks!! Pin the tail on the Jaskier! (artist's choice who does is the pinner!)

jaskier pissed off a sorceress and got turned into an ass for being an ass, whoops

april fool's ask game

#the witcher #hhartt #the witcher shitpost #april fool's asks #geraskier

[dandelionwishes0234]

Yen to Geralt after she hears what he did to Jaskier on the mountain:

#jaskier #the witcher #yennefer #geralt #the witcher netflix #the witcher shitpost