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jordan202 · 6 years

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The Journey - Part Twenty Four (Season Finale)

Previous chapters are HERE. Thank you both @jia911 for your help proofreading and @bluebelle18 for always sorting out the timeline for me!

So guys, this chapter pretty much wraps season 11 for Omelia. Thank you all for the amazing ride and for sticking with me all the way to the end. You guys are awesome. I have to add, though, The Journey isn’t fully finalized. I am still going to write the chapters pertaining season 12. For now, I am just taking a break to write more for My Boys but I plan to come back and write the “second season” for this story.

Timeline for Part 24:

It picks up exactly after the last scene of part 23. Owen and Amelia have spent the night together after he returns home and she keeps her sobriety. We will go through the events of 11x23 and 11x24 (and a little beyond that lol). I hope you all enjoy this last installment. Let’s go!

The Journey – Part Twenty-Four

Amelia woke up with her back slightly aching, as if she’d just spent too much time lying down in the same position.

Turning her head partially to the right, a coy smile crept on her lips as she slowly recalled the events of the previous evening. Despite the soreness in her muscles, this had actually been the first night in a really long time when she’d managed to get such deep, quality sleep. But happiness quickly faded from her face when she noticed she was alone in bed.

The sheets still felt warm beside her, so Amelia imagined Owen must not have left that long before. She was still trying to process his unexpected absence when an uncommon noise coming from the bottom floor caught her attention. Swiftly getting out of bed, the neurosurgeon wrapped herself in a comfortable sweatshirt and followed the lead of the sonorous muffled clacks. Once at the top of the stairs, Amelia rubbed her eyes to make sure she was getting a clear vision of the scene in the kitchen.

With his back turned to her, Owen leaned against the wooden cabinets opposite to the sink, apparently very caught up in whatever task he was performing that required the use of a hammer.

But Amelia wasn’t that much interested in what it was that Owen was fixing. Instead, her eyes were busy enough studying the outlines of his strong back and shoulders that his casual white shirt couldn’t hide.

As Owen moved his arms to apparently hook back in the defective door of one of the kitchen cabinets, Amelia couldn’t help noticing how his muscles flexed with the slightest movement. She knew the furniture of the house was mostly made of thick wood and therefore probably weighed a lot. But the way Owen would hold the door suspended in place with one hand while skillfully nailing it back with the other suddenly made Amelia think that not only did he repeatedly prove with his actions and decisions that he was a real man, sometimes when Owen engaged in physical labor like that she was reminded of how raw and masculine he could be.

And how that turned her on.

Swallowing hard, Amelia decided it was time to make her presence noted.

“What are you doing?” She asked with a sweet tone, raising one eyebrow in question to hide her look of appreciation.

At the sound of her words, Owen immediately drew his attention to her. She noticed how his cheeks pinked up as if he’d just been busted. The thought made her smile.

“I was just making us coffee.” Owen explained, quickly finishing hitting the last nail and then finally opening and closing the cabinet door, satisfied to see the hinge now worked perfectly well.

“I see,” Amelia smiled lazily at him, taking a seat at one of the stools near the counter at the same time Owen turned his back to her and devoted his attention back to the coffee maker. “How long have you been up? You could have woken me.”

Owen turned on the machine and in a matter of seconds, a delicious smell of fresh coffee delighted them both. Truth was, he had gotten out of bed just nearly one hour before and decided to prepare breakfast for them. But as he’d been searching through the cabinets for a pair of mugs, he noticed how the hinges of one of the doors were dangerously loose, putting whoever might open the cabinet at risk for being hit on the head if it ever dislodged completely.

Without hesitation, Owen decided to fix it while Amelia still slept. She wouldn’t even need to know about it, because the trauma surgeon planned to get it over with in just a few minutes. But of course her timing was as precise as always and she’d caught him minutes after Owen had started the task.

“I woke up not too long ago.” He finally replied to her question, leaning on the opposite side of the counter facing her. “And I didn’t wake you up because you didn’t move a finger nearly the whole night. I don’t remember one single time when you didn’t hog the covers or accidentally punched me in our sleep. So I thought it was obvious you could use the rest.”

Amelia hid her shy smile behind the coffee mug and got busy drinking a sip of the steamy hot mug because she didn’t have an answer for that. It was impressive how Owen could still awe her. She didn’t know what touched her the most: The fact that he had stepped up to fix something at her house, the way he had considerately noticed how tired she was or how he’d decided to make her breakfast in the morning.

But maybe it was the mention of the many nights they’d spent in each other’s arms before.

The memories filled Amelia with longing and nostalgia and she suddenly felt a fit of anxiety. She simply had no idea where to go from there. Owen was just back from the army and she had finally started picking up her pieces after her brother’s death. And at the same time Amelia knew she was in no place to commit to anyone at the moment, it didn’t mean she wanted Owen out of her life.

“Don’t worry.” He stated calmly, looking deeply into her eyes. “You don’t have to make anything out of that.”

Amelia held her breath for a moment, taken aback by the intensity of his words. She felt exposed and vulnerable, as if by just looking at her Owen had been capable of breaking down her defenses and reading her mind. At the same time it alarmed her, Amelia also felt strangely... safe.

“You’re not going to the hospital today, are you?” She asked him carefully. Owen had just been back from long months of back to back work. Not only had it consumed physically, but probably mentally as well. To go from that to instantly resuming his position as chief of surgery at Grey Sloan without a moment’s rest certainly wouldn’t do him well.

“No, not yet.” Owen replied with his usual serenity. “There are a few things I want to get to in the trailer and then I’m probably in need of some time to clear my head as well.” He added with good sense. As much as Owen looked forward to operating inside an actual OR and not a makeshift tent in the desert, he could also use some time off to actually rest after the excruciating journey.

“You mean, more loose screws to fix?” Amelia’s dimples danced on her cheek when she asked the question, knowing it was both literal and metaphorical.

“Something like that.” Owen smiled back, fascinated by how easily adorable she was.

Amelia kept looking into his eyes, trying to think of what to say so they could prolong the moment. But invariably, their interaction would come to an end, and she had this awful feeling they had just gotten there.

“So, I guess the one night is over.” She stated with a sad smile. Amelia didn’t want to let go but she knew they should. Like she’d stated the evening before when she proposed they took a break from everything, in the morning, the issues would still be there.

And both of them needed to deal with their own baggage in order to figure things out.

“You know where to find me if you need me.” Owen gently placed his empty mug on the sink counter and went around it, standing just a few feet away from her.

Amelia noticed the expectant way in which he looked at her and unconsciously held her breath.

“The same goes to you.” She affirmed. Owen was usually a solid rock and she had to admit she’d gone to him a lot more often than he’d needed her. At least that she knew of. But only because she had a lot of stuff going on at the moment it didn’t mean that she would be any less available if he needed her there. Amelia cared about him and he had to know he could count on her too.

“Well… it is goodbye, then.” Amelia said awkwardly. Owen was standing just within her reach and she desperately wanted to feel the warmth of his embrace and lock herself inside of it. The hell, she wanted to suggest that they spend the entire day together, doing nothing. But now it was time to do the adult thing, and that meant taking the first step to rebuild her life.

The previous night, she’d gone home thinking that once again she would hit rock bottom. But it hadn’t been the case, and that motivated Amelia to grasp that new chance with everything she got. She needed to prioritize her well-being and that meant guarding her heart against any possible heartbreak. Especially one she wasn’t sure she could survive.

Before the neurosurgeon could process anything else, Owen took the initiative. She felt his hand reaching out for her face and gently striking her cheek as he seemed to struggle with his own feelings too.

“Take care, alright?” He nearly whispered, reluctant to let go. Amelia closed her eyes, preparing herself for the moment when he’d kiss her. “I want to see you happy.”

His hoarse voice was the last thing she became aware of as Owen abruptly pulled apart and left without saying another word.

Amelia stayed immersed in the silence of the room for long minutes, once again trying to make sense of something that no logic in the world could explain. Owen’s words from the previous night still echoed in her mind, but mostly, her heart still ached with the sad realization that they couldn’t be together now. And it was no consolation to know that despite being the best, this one decision definitely wasn’t the easiest.

Over the following week, Owen was caught by surprise with the news of Meredith’s return to Seattle. After quickly catching up with her at the house while Amelia was at work, the trauma surgeon found out that Meredith had had a child while she was gone, and during one particularly warm day, he got to meet baby Ellis and see both Zola and Bailey after a nearly one-year absence.

Owen could only imagine how that would add anxiety and more confusion to Amelia’s already messy feelings. He knew she would be thrilled to see the kids again but probably torn about seeing her sister in law, especially after the inconsiderate way Meredith had unplugged her brother and then left without looking back or at least informing Amelia of her departure.

During the next days, Owen kept busy working on his trailer and going on a solo fishing trip. He’d found out that being close to nature soothed him, and the handwork at home helped not only to clear his head but also made him exhausted enough to sleep very well at night.

On a Monday about two weeks after his return to Seattle, Owen went back to work. He spent most of his morning catching up with Richard. Throughout most of those few hours, the trauma surgeon cemented an idea that had been growing on him for the past week.

Hearing Richard talk about budget meetings and department issues only made him realize he didn’t miss any of that. Sure, it had been a challenge once, but the job felt like it was already deep in his past, finalized with a sense of closure. Owen didn’t want to go back to spending more than half his work hours engaged in bureaucracy. He still wanted to operate, of course, and to see and treat patients. But he also wanted more hours to dedicate to himself and his personal life. Even if he destined those to carpentry or fishing in the lake.

What he really wanted though was to devote more of his free time to the company of a certain petite brunette with the most gorgeous smile. Amelia’s eyes haunted him every night in his dreams and Owen longed to be able to touch her. But during the day, in the few times he’d occasionally seen her, she was usually surrounded by colleagues or awestruck residents who wanted to learn from her just as much as she wanted to teach them. He hadn’t yet been alone with Amelia ever since the morning he’d left her at the house, but they’d still bump into each other every now and then. And in all of those times, they had exchanged smiles but hadn’t really had a chance to talk. Owen wasn’t spending a lot of time at the hospital, but he’d noticed Amelia had cut back on her insane hours too. He supposed she probably spent the majority of her free time with her nieces and nephew, aware of how happy they made her.

And because Owen had just been back, he’d decided with Richard that the older surgeon should wrap all unfinished business before handing back the position, which was why Webber was still in charge of receiving the new interns, even after Owen’s return. On the morning of their arrival, Owen sat in an OR gallery beside many of his colleagues, most of whom had been taught by Richard and listened to that same speech years before.

While the experienced surgeons welcome the young doctors on the bottom floor, Owen’s gaze invariably traveled to the row above. When Amelia’s eyes met his, she quickly looked away at the same the neurosurgeon slightly blushed, making Owen wonder what she’d been thinking about. He had to admit it was a bit discouraging that Amelia didn’t seem to want to talk to him, but he quickly realized that was not the case when, moments after the speech was over and people had scattered around, she caught up with him in the corridor.

“Hey,” Amelia hurriedly dodged one of the nurses and went in Owen’s direction. “I haven’t seen you in a while. You look tanned.” She smiled, obviously teasing him.

“You mean burnt.” Owen reciprocated her mischievous smile. He’d been out by the lake for a few hours in the past week, which explained his current skin tone. “How’ve you been?”

“Good.” Amelia nodded with her head, walking beside him in the direction of the staircase that accessed the hospital’s entrance. “I’ve been seeing the kids a lot, so it’s been better. Loud.” She chuckled as she added the latest word.

“I suppose you’re enjoying it, then.” Owen replied casually, smirking to let her know he was teasing her too. Amelia had never been too quiet and they both acknowledged it.

“Yeah, a lot.” Amelia commented with lighthearted humor as they went down the stairs. She was just about to ask him what he'd been up to when they were suddenly interrupted by Arizona Robbins.

“Hunt. How much longer is Richard going to be interim chief? Because I want to expand my department, and he has a kind of different approach to the budget. So, when are you coming back?

Oh, Owen thought with resignation. There was the part he hadn’t missed at all.

“Uh, I am not.” He notified the pediatric surgeon, seeing how beside him, Amelia looked just as interested in his answer as Arizona. “The board is going to appoint a new chief.” Owen informed them, ready to resume his walk to the ER.

“We are? When?” Arizona sounded surprised.

“Why?” Amelia asked at the same time.

“Yeah, why?” Arizona showed her disapproval, looking at him with curiosity whereas in Amelia’s eyes Owen noticed a deeper interest in his answer.

“Because I’ve been chief long enough.” He affirmed, on purpose not explaining much. Owen didn’t have a thorough answer to give. All he knew was that he just couldn’t envision himself locked in an office for ten hours straight again. “And it’s time for something else,” he added mysteriously, nodding his head affirmatively before finally going his way.

Because he turned around, Owen missed the spot of fascination in Amelia’s eye, but she didn’t have enough time to ponder about his decision either. A collapsed tunnel had taken the lives of many people, and Amelia was one of the surgeons sent out to the field to assess injured patients.

Being in an accident site really hit too close to home to Amelia, but as if the situation wasn’t stressful enough, she’d had to work beside her sister in law, which only brought up more memories of her brother. Amelia saw a lot of patients that day, but there was one in particular that really messed with her emotions. Maggie, April and Meredith had all been beside her, trying to help Keith Gardner in any way that they could, but at some point, the other surgeons decided there was nothing else they could do for him and gave up when they felt like all options had been explored.

Amelia was taken over by an infuriating sensation of helplessness. When Meredith agreed with the others that the patient had no chance and they’d made the right call, Amelia couldn’t keep her feelings to herself any longer. Her passive-aggressive remarks were noticed by her sister in law and in that moment, Amelia saw the opportunity to finally confront the woman on issues that were long overdue.

For starters, she showed her disapproval but questioning Meredith on how she made the decisions to simply give up on situations and decide that someone no longer stood a chance. It was clear in her speech that she didn’t mean Keith Gardner, but Derek Shepherd. Meredith obviously picked up on it, but she was saved from having to answer by the arrival of an eager intern who notified Amelia she was needed on a procedure.

It wasn’t until later that Amelia was able to get everything off her chest. By confronting Meredith in a supply closet, the neurosurgeon finally let her feelings come to surface. Her tears had healing powers, and after confessing to Meredith how much it’d hurt that she hadn’t even been informed of her brother’s conditions before he was mercilessly unplugged, Amelia was at last able to think about the situation without a suffocating feeling inside her heart. That conversation had been long overdue and, after finally confessing how she felt, Amelia knew it still hurt. But at least now she could deal with her pain and finally move on.

Amelia had had quite some time to ponder about her personal life too, and she’d ultimately decided that it was better to remain single for a while. Her feelings for Owen still kept her up at night sometimes, leading her to confess to Callie during surgery that it was better not to date anyone they worked with. And from that moment on, Amelia tried really hard to believe her own words.

Taking another look at the clock, Amelia gave up calculating the number of hours she'd been up for. During the last months, she pulled shift after shift, but it was staying up with a baby and two young kids in the house that really worn her out. The neurosurgeon was busy catching up with charts when she noticed Owen arriving and standing by her side on the nurses’ station.

“He’s still alive?” She asked, curious about the boyfriend of the patient she’d just operated on.

“For now. And the girlfriend?”

“Out of surgery. Awake. Not paralyzed.” Amelia summed up.

“Excellent work.” Owen complimented her with a grin and held her gaze a moment longer until Amelia finally broke eye contact.

He’d just focused back on the document at his hand when her voice drew his attention again.

“Meredith told you she’s selling the house?”

“What, her house?”

Amelia noticed the astonishment in his voice and she wasn’t surprised. If Meredith had failed to properly inform her, who actually lived at the house, it was no wonder she hadn’t bothered to tell Owen either. And he had the right to know. After all, he lived in the property and would be affected by the move too.

“Yeah. It was news to me too.” She confessed to him.

“Where are you gonna go?” Owen frowned, unable to pay attention to his chart any longer. He watched as Amelia kept typing on her tablet.

“I’ll find something.” Amelia replied unaffectedly. She liked the house but it was filled with too many memories of her brother. Meredith’s decision to sell it had only reminded Amelia that she should have gotten her own place much sooner. But she’d always hated living alone. “Maybe she will let you keep the trailer.” Amelia added, looking at him with expectant mockery.

“Well, maybe I should just get a house that doesn’t get parking tickets.” Owen replied in the same lighthearted tone.

“Come on.” Amelia embarked on the playfulness. “You won’t miss being able to reach your toaster from your toilet?”

Owen wanted to give her a witty answer back but all he could do was chuckle. He loved seeing her happy and smiling.

“I might.” He settled for saying, thinking back about the many times she’d teasingly made fun of his trailer.

Amelia was assaulted by the same memories. Flashes of happy moments inside his place ran through her head so she forced herself to think about her patient, unsuccessfully.

“I really want this to work.”

The thought slipped her mind before she could hold it.

“Yeah?”

Amelia noticed the expectancy in Owen’s eyes and realized she’d probably confused him with her blunt confession.

“This family. All three of them.” She made up a good explanation.

“Right. Right.” Owen shook his head, hiding his consternation.

“What did you think I meant?” Amelia straightforwardly asked, consciously testing him. She was taking one day at a time now, but already felt a lot more in charge of her own life. Soon enough, she’d have to move out of the house and probably face loneliness again. And even though Amelia knew she wasn’t in the place to give Owen what he deserved in terms of a committed relationship, it didn’t mean she desired it any less.

So to think that he could probably feel still as drawn to her as she felt to him really touched her.

“Oh, nothing, no.” Owen replied, but he tried so hard to sound casual that Amelia picked up on his discomfort. It was clear he was lying. “That. Yeah. Me too.”

During the rest of the day, Amelia kept trying to process the meaning of his evasive reply. But her emotions were soon to be shaken up again when Meredith surprisingly gave her a cell phone containing Derek’s last voice mail message.

Her sister in law’s advice that Amelia should listen to it alone startled her. She knew the one single message it contained was from her brother and the perspective of listening to his voice again both scared and excited her.

She missed Derek deeply. Much more than words could ever explain. Despite all their differences and their fights, she’d always known that at the end of the day, her big brother would be there when it mattered. He was someone she could count on. Amelia had grown up without a father, but she’d always had Derek to lean on. Now he was gone too.

And Amelia had no idea if she was ready to finally, finally acknowledge that.

The next time Amelia was able to smile after that was at Richard and Catherine’s wedding. Somehow, amidst the loss and heartbreak everyone had gone through the past year, the goods things still found a way to crawl out and contaminate their spirits. Amelia was grateful for that.

During the ceremony, Owen sat on the row behind hers. While the sermon was conducted, he realized he was having a hard time focusing on the couple at the altar. It was much more interesting to study the profile of the woman in the black and white dress sitting a few feet in front of him.

Once the ceremony was over, everyone went back to Meredith’s for the reception. Owen had noticed that, despite seemingly doing better, Amelia still had a shadow of sadness behind her eyes. Whenever she looked at him smiling and Owen identified it, he wanted to go to her and hold her in arms to protect her from all harm in the world.

Being a trauma surgeon, Owen saw people suffering everyday. It was never easy or fun, of course. He knew he had good people skills and a lot of empathy. The surgeon had lost count of the many times he’d have to deliver bad news to family members, or even to patients themselves and still, being hard as it was, it didn’t make him lose his sleep at night.

But to see Amelia sad… That devastated him. It broke his heart. Owen couldn’t even explain why. But with her, it was different.

She was different.

Throughout the party, she seemed to be having a good time but her eyes weren’t sparkling with contentment and mirth like he’d seen many times. Her liveliness, high spirits and general good attitude with the world had once captivated Owen to the point of making him fall madly in love with her. He knew she was still that same person, but her bubbly personality was now overshadowed by a load of emotions she hadn’t so far fully processed but really needed to.

“Hey, Owen, can you do me a favor?” Meredith distractedly asked him. “I don’t know where my keys are, could you go get the spare set so I can open the backdoors to the terrace? It’s getting crowded here and we need more space.”

“Sure.” Owen replied with practicality. “Where are they?”

“Well, if no one took them while I was gone there should be an extra set in the second drawer of my nightstand.”

Owen nodded affirmatively and went upstairs, hoping to be done with the task as soon as possible. Meredith was hosting the reception for the newlyweds and the atmosphere at the party was generally good. The trauma surgeon had been spending a lot of time alone lately and he liked it. But sometimes, Owen missed social events like those.

He opened the door in a hurry, determined to get the keys but it caught him off guard to find out the bedroom wasn’t empty as he’d initially assumed.

Instead, Amelia sat down by the bench on the foot of the bed and she looked like she was struggling with something.

“I’m sorry, I was just…” Owen belatedly noticed she looked on the verge of tears. “Are you all right?”

“I was just about to listen to a message.” Amelia explained, fighting her emotions. She seemed embarrassed and tried to disguise it with a smile. “But I can’t seem to bring myself to hit play.” She confessed and looked deeply into Owen’s eyes, giving up trying to hide her emotions from him.

It had never worked, anyway.

Owen acknowledged the situation and closed the door behind him, gently sitting next to her afterwards. It was obvious something was up.

During most of the afternoon and evening, Amelia had walked around with the cell phone in her pocket, avoiding making the decision to listen to it for as long as she could. But then, once back to the house, she couldn’t help thinking of Derek. The way the place was filled with people, laughter and happiness made her heart ache for her brother, because she knew he would have loved to be there.

Owen didn’t need to ask why she couldn’t hit play. He recognized Meredith’s old phone in Amelia’s hand and figured it probably had something to do with his late friend. He waited for her to say something, but since she seemed to be struggling so much, Owen decided to end her agony.

Without thinking twice about it, the trauma surgeon reached out and pressed the play button. Derek’s voice resonated in the room and her heartfelt reaction didn’t surprise Owen.

He was just about to leave and give her privacy to process the memories of her brother when Amelia’s hand grasped him, firmly holding him in place. Owen understood that was Amelia’s way of asking him to stay and he didn’t hesitate to do so.

When the message was finally over, Amelia was completely in tears. But she didn’t seem sad.

In fact, she seemed relieved.

Owen was happy for her that she seemed to finally be able to cope with her brother’s death in a healthy way. Her response was genuine. Amelia wasn’t fighting the tears anymore. Instead, she was crying them. And by allowing her pain to be processed, she was finally moving on with her loss.

“You okay?” He sheepishly asked after seeing her wipe her eyes.

“Yeah.” Amelia nodded affirmatively. Among her tears, a smile finally showed. “Yeah.” She repeated, looking Owen in the eyes. “I am.”

He realized the amazing breakthrough Amelia had just had. She had also just noticed she was finally in a better place and seeing her genuinely smile made Owen happier than he’d felt all night.

The surgeon was just processing that when a small, warm hand cupped his cheek as Amelia shifted closer. He frowned in response, surprised by her move but didn’t have a lot of time to think it through because a second hand rubbed the other side of his face, pulling him nearer. Silver blue eyes stared deeply into his without saying a word before she finally leaned in.

Amelia covered his lips with hers, feeling the familiar sensation on her stomach whenever she touched him. Almost automatically, Owen’s hands circled her waist, pulling her closer. The way he warmly welcomed her kiss encouraged Amelia, making her move up and support her body on the bench on one knee to seize control of the kiss.

Her arms wrapped themselves around his neck as her lips forced his open, deepening their kiss at the same time she put both feet on the ground, standing between his knees.

When they finally pulled apart, Owen looked deeply into her eyes, trying to ignore the amazing sensation she was causing by lazily caressing the hair on the back of his head.

“What was that for?” He asked, confused but completely pleased.

“For being the man you are.” Amelia replied with no hesitation. She smiled as she closed her eyes and touched her forehead to his, taking a deep breath before adding. “For being here for me.”

“I’ll always be here for you.” Owen said with confidence.

Amelia pulled apart and opened her eyes. Owen saw the flicker of playfulness in them and his face was a telltale of how much he approved the way she’d used to thank him.

“I should give this back to Meredith.” She said with a mix of awkwardness and flirtation, gently stepping out of his reach.

“You probably should.” Owen returned her flirtatious smile, confused but embarking on the situation.

The last thing he saw was the way Amelia gently bit her lower lip and looked at him from head to toe before sneakily leaving the bedroom.

Damn it, Owen cursed with a heavy sigh. Just when he’d thought he was finally starting to accept their physical distance Amelia went and pulled a stunt like that. But he should have figured. She was unpredictable, untamable… and absolutely adorable.

Owen had no idea what the future reserved for them but when he picked up the keys in the drawer Meredith had mentioned, he tried to decide what was more latent at the moment: the throbbing rush of blood to this lower abdomen after her kiss or the way his heart was racing after realizing Amelia was finally her own person again.

It was past one am when the last guests finally left the wedding reception. Owen stayed to help clean up the house, but he didn’t see much of Amelia because she had taken on the task of putting the kids to bed.

On the following week, Meredith, Amelia and the kids would finally have to leave the house. Meredith had put it to sale and Owen knew he probably would have to get his own apartment soon too.

It was a shame, he thought, while taking a small cooler to the deck outside his trailer on a Sunday evening. The sun was just starting to set in the horizon. That had been a particular warm day for Seattle, and he didn't want it to be over. Being outside in the woods or by the lake enjoying the fresh air was definitely what Owen would miss the most in case he indeed have to move to the city so he settled for a final evening of sitting by his deck with a beer in his hand, silently enjoying the surroundings.

It wasn’t until minutes after, when the sun had already fully set, that he noticed a bright light coming through one of the living room windows of Meredith’s house. In a flash of a second, Zola came running through and moments after, Owen spotted Bailey doing the same.

The trauma surgeon smiled to himself, anticipating what was going to happen next. To his delighted surprise, Owen proved to be right in his assumption when he saw Amelia walking forth with baby Ellis on her arms.

Owen took a long sip of his beer, not quite believing it.

Over a year before, he’d sat outside on that same deck with the same drink on his hand, for the first time laying eyes on the woman he’d grown to love over the following months. Back then, Owen had been experiencing a painful break up with the ideals he thought to have build for his failed marriage. It had been hard to let go of his dreams, but after realizing he couldn’t keep living that unhealthy lifestyle any longer, Owen had divorced his ex-wife and ultimately been in peace with her parting ways.

On the same night he’d sat down to carefully process all of that and ease his pain with a few drinks, Amelia had walked into his life.

And she’d remained in it like she belonged there all along.

At the time, Owen had had no idea who she was, so he’d simply mistaken her for a babysitter. The way she would affectionately interact with the kids had warmed his heart. Back then Bailey was still a baby, and Ellis wasn’t even an idea yet. But now that one more kid had been thrown to the mix, he could firsthand witness how Amelia’s love and affection for them seemed to have multiplied.

On a chilly night months before, Owen’s soul had been just as cold as the autumn wind. But now, on that peaceful summer evening, the warmth in his heart made him feel whole. And it was Amelia the main responsible for that.

Owen kept staring at her, unable to wipe the smile off his face. Barefoot and wearing light blue shorts, the young neurosurgeon tried juggling caring for Ellis at the same time she gave attention to Zola and Bailey. Owen tilted his head to the side, carefully inspecting her shapely legs, slim waist and gorgeous pale skin.

The first time he’d seen her, he was guilty to have sexually desired the woman after just looking at Amelia. Now, months later, he was absolutely sure he wanted her even more. So much had happened between those two different nights that it was hard not to put things into perspective.

Every day, something unexpected could happen. Some people died, some people left, others were born. Owen noticed the short strands of blonde hair on top of Ellis’s head as Amelia brought the baby close to her face and breathed her in. If he could, he would keep that image forever in his head.

And that was when started to allow himself to picture Amelia doing the exact same thing, but to his baby instead.

She was so caring, so warm and loving that he’d had no doubt she would make a great mother. Just like him, Amelia was familiar with loss. But she hadn’t let the many heartbreaks in her life turn her into a bitter person. Instead, she’d maintained her liveliness, bright smile and child-like optimism to live her life knowing the things that mattered the most laid on a simple smile, or a possibility to be with the people they loved.

And Owen loved her.

He wanted them to have a shot happiness again. He still didn’t know how they would do that. Both still have a lot to figure out. But maybe after months of dancing around, of pushing and pulling, they could finally go through that journey together. Owen didn’t know much yet, but after watching how happy it made Amelia to be with the kids and how good she was with them, he had became sure of one thing.

He wanted her.

He wanted Amelia tonight in his bed, tomorrow at his breakfast table and every day in his heart. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up next to her, to make plans together. To celebrate her birthdays, to be surprised when he got home and found out she had booked an unexpected trip for them, or got them tickets to a concert. And maybe, someday, Amelia could also surprise him with the news that they would share the craziest adventure of a lifetime: parenting a child together.

Owen opened up another bottle and took a long sip, feeling better and more hopeful than he’d felt in the entire past year. Everything had been a mess, but the sun would always rise in the morning and every day was a new opportunity to try again. No matter how long it took him, he was getting Amelia back.

All the heartbreak and loss could remain in the past. Because he foresaw a better future. With Amelia by her side.

Finishing his beer, Owen got up and threw the empty bottle on the trash. He stretched his muscles and turned his head to fondly to gaze at the window on the house, only to realize that from the inside, Amelia had just opened it to look back at him.

And she smiled.

The dimples on her cheek broke all of Owen’s defenses and he knew right then that he was lost forever. Taking a deep breath, he locked eyes with her and took a step forward to the house and their future.

But this time, Owen was absolutely sure that the woman he’d spent the past hour admiring through a window had, somewhere along the way, already become the love of his life.

And Owen just couldn’t wait for what would come next.

Thats it! Thank you guys for making it here :)

#omelia #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #owelia #greysanatomy #greysanatomyfanfic #omeliafics #omeliafic #omelia fanfic #amenff

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jordan202 · 7 years

Text

The Journey - Part Twenty Three

thank you @jia911 and @bluebelle18 for your incredible help.

Previous chapters are HERE.

Timeline for Part 23:

It sets entirely between episodes 11x22 and 11x23. After Owen comes back and finds Amelia about to have a relapse, he comforts her and talks her out of it. Amelia then asked him to stay with her. What happens next?

The Journey – Part Twenty-Three

Amelia paced back and forth in the kitchen, trying to concentrate on the task ahead. It was nearly nine in the evening and she was mixing ingredients while looking over her shoulder every two minutes.

After Owen had agreed to stay with her, he’d walked her inside, proceeding to unceremoniously flush the bag of oxy she’d given him down the toilet. Then, after repeatedly asking her if she was okay, Owen said he’d make a quick trip to his trailer to get cleaned up and drop his bag but would be back in no time to spend the evening with her.

Amelia had quickly gone upstairs, suddenly taken by the urge to look her best after the mess she’d just made of herself. The neurosurgeon had gotten in the shower, dried her hair and put on a pair of dark leggings and a fitted long sleeve shirt. Then, she went back to the ground floor and patiently waited. And when it felt like too much time had passed already and maybe that meant Owen had changed his mind about joining her, Amelia looked at the clock and noticed it had only been thirty minutes since he’d left.

Amelia had been so deeply immersed in her grief and the turmoil of emotions that she’d barely paid attention to anything else. Now, after crying tears that had been stored for long months, she finally felt lighter and somewhat even free. Sure, she was still grieving, and probably would be for a long time. But now Amelia also felt like she could do it in a healthy way, so that the pain she’d avoided for so long wasn’t going to destroy her like in previous moments.

And because she was in a better shape of mind, the neurosurgeon could shift the focus from that to more pressing matters. Owen had just come home from a long deployment and Amelia realized he was probably in need of care too. That man was so tough and so grounded that sometimes she forgot that at the end of the day, he was only human. No matter how talented Owen was at concealing his pain, it did not mean he was immune to it.

The neurosurgeon thought back about the first time she’d been alone with Owen in that house. It had been a random weekday, and he’d knocked on her door looking for her brother. Derek had been at work, just like his wife so Amelia had the house entirely to herself. And even though that wasn’t the original plan, Owen had stayed with her and entertained Amelia throughout one of the best evenings she’d had in Seattle.

Back then, she’d made waffles and Owen had complimented her. He was probably hungry after a long day of traveling and Amelia doubted he’d have anything to eat at home.

Feeling particularly inspired and unusually motivated, the neurosurgeon occupied the kitchen, quickly gathering the ingredients she would need. By the time Owen finally made it back, ending her agonizing anxiety, the house smelled like fresh food, making him instantly realize just how hungry he was.

“What are you doing?” Owen asked with a large smile, surprised to find Amelia in the kitchen looking reinvigorated.

“Cooking us dinner.” She returned his gaze and Owen felt his heart skip a bit. Oh, how he had missed that dimpled smile. “I figured you’d be hungry.” Amelia sheepishly added, slightly blushing.

Owen took a few steps in her direction, seeing she was putting golden, crispy waffles on two separate plates. Her consideration touched him immensely. She didn’t have to do anything, but it looked like she was trying to please him and the intention alone made Owen remind himself as to why he’d fallen for her in the first place.

The trauma surgeon smiled charmingly at her, communicating everything he wanted to say with his eyes. Amelia was flattered by the look of appreciation on his face.

“You know, since you have been gone for so long, I imagined you’d like some kind of homemade, traditional food.”

“So you made me Belgian waffles?” Owen raised one eyebrow, clearly teasing her by the way he smirked adorably.

“No,” the neurosurgeon returned his smile, feeling her heart fluttering with contentment just by having his company back. He had a point but she wasn’t going to give in that easily. “They are Amelia-waffles.”

“Ohh…” Owen pretended to be surprised and convinced. He leaned over, grabbed the small jar of syrup and poured some on the golden waffle before taking a bite. The way he nodded his head as his swallowed the piece showed how pleased he was. “Yeah… They are delicious.” Owen gazed at her, sustaining her look. “The kind I can only find right here at home.”

Amelia’s smile slowly transformed as she felt his eyes heavily lingering on hers. She was deeply pleased that he seemed to really like what she’d made especially for him.

“Do you want another?” She grinned contagiously.

“Sure.” Owen answered with honesty.

When they were done eating, Owen helped her with the dishes, despite Amelia’s protests that he should rest after the long day he’d had. Truth was, after the storm had come and gone, she felt a little awkward to be standing so close next to him without touching.

Just an hour ago, Amelia had broken down and cried in his arms, exposing her soul. And now, they seemed to be talking like two civilized people who were unsure of how to approach a difficult subject.

“So…” Amelia finished putting the last plate back in the cabinet near the sink. “What do you want to do now?”

Owen turned his head and met her eyes. The answer was very obvious to him.

He wanted to take her upstairs, close the door behind them and kiss every bit of her body until he felt her melting in his arms moaning his name as she was assaulted by the most incredibly sensations, just like it had happened many times in the past.

But he knew Amelia was in a particularly rough time of her life and he’d never take advantage of her fragile state.

“Be with you.” Owen settled for saying, watching with delight as her entire face transformed with a smile.

Amelia reached out her hand for him and Owen took it, following her to the living room in silence.

Now that she’d let her guard down and was finally allowing herself to be the woman he’d come to fall for, Owen couldn’t help noticing how her eyes were once again filled with the liveliness he adored so much about her. Not for the first time, he associated Amelia’s image with the one of a child, with such purity and innocence that it inspired the most primitive thoughts of protection and care in him.

But at the same time, there was nothing remotely childish about the way her clothes outlined her feminine body. As she curled up on the couch next to him, so close that he could feel her warmth, Owen felt his pulse racing. Her shapely thighs were covered but the fitting leggings left very little to imagination, especially when he could easily remember each one of her delicate curves.

There was something very domestic about the way she would relax with her back on the couch, gazing at the TV while distractedly flicking her hair. Owen could very well think they were frozen in time, redirected back to a moment when nearly a year ago, they’d spend nights just like that one, comfortably sitting beside each other while doing something as mundane as watching TV.

But of course, everything was different now. They weren’t together anymore and Owen couldn’t simply lean over and randomly kiss her, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Did you call your mom?”

Amelia’s voice interrupted his thoughts and Owen blinked repeatedly, trying to focus on the question before shifting his attention to her.

“Hm, I went to see her before I came here.” He replied, impressed that she’d bothered to worry about that. He saw the look of approval on her face and imagined if there was more to it. “Why?”

Amelia shrugged her shoulders, as if the subject embarrassed her, but decided to be honest nonetheless.

“She came to see me.” The neurosurgeon confessed, watching as a frown formed on Owen’s face. “She was desperate that she hadn’t heard from you,” Amelia explained, hoping Owen would understand. “She hadn’t heard from you and she told me…” Her voice trailed off as a lump formed on her throat. Evelyn’s words were replaying in Amelia’s mind and all the fear she’d felt was promptly coming back to her. “She said there were gunshots fired.”

Owen noticed the way Amelia bit her bottom lip at the same time she defensively wrapped her arms around legs that she was trying her best to keep her emotions in check. Without thinking, he reached out his hand and took hers, rubbing it with his thumb.

“I am sorry you had to hear that.” He said with honesty. Earlier that day, when Owen had gone to see her, his mother had already expressed how terrified she’d been after spending nearly two weeks without hearing from him, especially after knowing that his camp had been under attack. He had no idea Amelia had shared her concern, and could only imagine how that must have added to her stress.

“What happened?” Amelia asked with genuine interest, looking him in the eye with fear.

Owen smiled tenderly, touched by her reaction. There he was, safe and sound, but the idea of the danger he’d gone through was still enough to make Amelia so bothered that she couldn’t hide her reaction.

“It was nothing.” He replied with a gentle smile, determined not to worry her.

“Owen,” Amelia pleaded, getting nearer, “talk to me about it. Please.” Her fingers grabbed the palm of his hand that was still touching her. “You have to talk about it too. You need to.”

Owen took a deep breath and studied her gaze with interest. Amelia was genuinely concerned. He’d lived much worse than what had happened in this last tour, so he didn’t feel like he was unbalanced or too traumatized. But she surely couldn’t imagine that nearly being shot wasn’t the worst he’d been through.

“We were celebrating Christmas one night and this hmm… This rebel group that had been joining forces against the government for a while took advantage of the distraction caused by the holidays and opened fire against our camp, even though we were only in a medical mission.” He told her, watching as Amelia’s eyes enlarged with alarm. She looked so adorable worrying about him that Owen wanted to smile. “It is okay, it was no big deal.” He couldn’t contain a chuckle and leaned over, with every intention to hold her and make her not worry too much about it. She’d had enough on her plate already.

“Wait, what?!” Amelia fired back, splaying a hand on his chest to push him away. “Are you serious?”

Owen noticed how worked up she was and frowned in confusion.

“Are you honestly telling me that while I was worried to death that you had died you were getting aimed at by terrorists and it was no big deal?” Amelia’s voice lost its pitch as she stared at him with incredulity stamped all over her face. “After lecturing me on how I shouldn’t hide from my pain?” She stared at him accusingly. “You could have died! You could have been shot!” She closed her fist and hit the side of his arm. “I seriously want to punch you right now for being so… so…”

Owen waited until she finished her sentence, but Amelia seemed unable to come up with an adjective that described what she was feeling, making him raise his eyebrows in a mock expectation. As anticipated, she didn’t take it very well, scowling with fury.

“God, why do you have to be so frustrating?” Amelia complained, breathing in and out irregularly. “Why can’t you just for once admit to how you feel?” She gazed into his eyes and asked with propriety. “You don’t have to be so tough all the time, you know? You can tell me things. I can take it.”

Owen’s smile slowly faded as he kept staring into her eyes. She was actually mad at him because he had dismissed what she considered to be a great trauma. Owen wasn’t naïve enough to think that this last tour hadn’t accounted to anything traumatic for him, but he also knew that it was far from being the worst he’d been through in a war zone. If he were to be completely honest, operating on Danny Hill while the boy fought for his life had been scarier than anything else, making the gunshot noises outside seem distant and oblivious.

But Amelia sat up straight with her back erect, furiously looking at him while accusing Owen of not letting his guard down. Deep down, he knew it was true. Owen was much more comfortable taking care of the people he loved than letting them be there for him.

And very few people had ever offered to do so, anyway.

In all honesty, less than very few people had ever given Owen the chance to actually feel secure enough to let his guard down and trust them with his vulnerabilities. But only one amidst them all had given him a good enough reason to do so.

And right now she stared at him with an almost pleading look, expecting him to reciprocate her bravery and actually access his emotions.

“The night we got attacked there was this kid who got shot.” Owen was surprised when he heard his own voice. He wasn’t sure what reaction exactly he was expecting, but in Amelia’s eyes he saw sympathy and understanding, so he felt comfortable enough to keep sharing. “He was nineteen years old.”

“God…” Amelia whispered, taking his hand between hers and giving it a reassurance squeeze. “Did you know him?”

“Yeah.” Owen let out a breath and distractedly looked around the room, too touched by the subject to sustain eye contact with her. “His name was Danny.”

“What happened to him?” Amelia asked with interest.

“I operated on him that same night.” Owen narrated the events, recalling the awful moments of tension. “Our supply room and ward area had just been completely destroyed by a bomb but he was bleeding, so I had to do something.” The trauma surgeon exhaled slowly, for the first time getting in contact with the emotions he’d felt at the time. “Danny had a grade four liver laceration and I had to use a Pringle Maneuver to make sure he wouldn’t bleed to death.” Owen scanned his eyes from the TV back to her face. “Our supply tent had also been nearly destroyed and of course in the middle of nowhere we didn’t have a blood bank. I was scared he was going to die in my hands, and all for nothing.”

“Owen, I am so sorry…” Amelia got closer to him and rubbed his forearm affectionately, deeply touched. “What did you do?”

“What I could.” Owen replied with honesty, letting out a heavy sigh. “After six hours and a full sternotomy to access the inferior cava so I could stop the bleeding, I was finally able to reconstruct the vessels.” Owen swallowed hard and nodded his head in denial, rejecting the fear he’d felt that night. “For a moment, after I closed I thought he wasn’t going to pull through…” His eyes got lost but then looked back at Amelia, finding an unknown needed comfort in her understanding gaze. “He was nineteen, Amelia… He took a bullet to warn us we were under attack. And his heroic action saved most of our lives.”

Amelia identified the distress in his face and quickly supported her weight on her knees, unceremoniously wrapping her arms around Owen’s neck to pull him for an embrace.

“He must be a really tough kid.” Amelia said, impressed. She thought about it and slowly pulled apart, gazing at Owen with renewed admiration. The technicalities of the surgery he’d performed would make any hepatic surgeon jealous. But his impressive skill wasn’t what touched her the most; it was his kind, decent heart. “I bet you made a huge difference to the many people you helped in these past months... It makes me so proud to know that.”

Owen looked at her, smiling discreetly for he didn’t know what to answer. Slowly, Amelia’s hand traveled from the back of his neck to his shoulders, discreetly splaying on his chest.

“Did you feel alone out there?” She asked, hating herself for wanting to know the answer to her next question. “I mean, did you have anyone to keep you company?”

Owen knew by the insecurity in her body language that she didn’t mean someone to talk to, or just some random co-worker. Amelia was actually asking if he had been emotionally or even physically involved with someone during the time he was gone. The realization completely threw him off his game.

“There hasn’t been anyone, Amelia.” He replied with honesty, looking deeply into her eyes. “No one since you.”

Amelia felt shivers running down her spine and sustained the intensity of his gaze. In her heart, she felt relieved at his confession, at the same time she felt stupid for letting the monster of jealousy consume her. But Amelia couldn’t help it. The thought of Owen being with anyone else annoyed her too much because she hated to think his care and his affection might have been shared with another woman who perhaps had been there for him when she couldn’t be.

She noticed how Owen kept staring at her, as if waiting for her to answer the same question he’d just had.

Amelia’s shaky voice confessed, failing to contain the intensity of her confession.

“You are the only one too.”

Her reply numbed him, but as he realized Amelia had spoken in present tense, Owen felt something bursting inside his chest and couldn’t help himself any longer. Leaning over her, this time he didn’t give Amelia any room to resist. But she didn’t seem to want to. Her expression showed how much she welcomed his touch when Owen held her face between his hands, looking deeply into her eyes as he gently laid her on the couch.

Amelia had just admitted that he was the only one who had occupied her thoughts and it was too much for Owen’s already fragile self-control. Giving in to the urge that had been consuming him for quite a while now, he covered her lips with his, feeling his entire body igniting at the familiar and yet mind blowing contact.

Slim, feminine arms wrapped around his neck, pulling Owen closer. He lost himself in the familiar touch of her lips, deepening their kiss as Amelia’s familiar scent numbed his senses. Owen couldn’t begin to explain how much she’d missed that proximity, the warmth of her touch and the affection she reserved for him whenever they were together.

Reaching out for it, his hand slipped under her shirt, urging to feel her closer. Amelia shivered as his open palm slid on the curve of her waist, gently giving her a firm squeeze before finally splaying on her back. When she felt the reaction of his body pressed against her thighs, Amelia took of one of her hands to his leg, unceremoniously pulling him closer to her body in an obvious signal she was fully on board with taking things further. The neurosurgeon had already lost her breath, eager to pull off Owen’s shirt when he abruptly pulled apart.

“No…Wait…”

Amelia was caught off guard and simply stared at him in confusion, watching as he stood up and kept his distance, running his fingers through his hair in obvious frustration.

“What’s wrong?” She slowly sat up, trying to make sense as to why she’d been so suddenly rejected.

Owen seemed to struggle but finally made eye contact with her. In his eyes, Amelia could see he was a tortured man.

“Nothing is wrong,” he whispered back at her, exhaling deeply. Owen tried to contain the intensity of his reactions at the same time he focused on keeping rational so he wouldn’t lose his mind. “The problem is just how right this is…”

Amelia kept staring at him in obvious confusion. Owen seemed to pick up on that because he took a deep breath before finally sitting down next to her.

“We can’t do this, Amelia.” He turned his head and looked into her eyes. “Not like this.”

“Why not?” She asked, hating to feel that insecure. Owen had just made her believe he’d missed her and he’d also just admitted he hadn’t been with anyone else. Amelia had interpreted that as a signal he was still into her, but maybe she’d misunderstood it?

“Because you’re grieving.”

The neurosurgeon frowned slightly. Owen noticed that was not what she expected to hear, so he forced himself to explain.

“You’ve just been through an emotional rollercoaster and you’re still too fragile.” He reached out for her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. “You’ve been distant from people and from human contact for all these months and it’s only normal that you’re craving for some intimacy.” Owen analyzed, noticing as she was following his trail of thoughts. “But, it’s not going to fix anything,” he affirmed with conviction before softening his expression, “and it’s most definitely not going to help both of us get back on track with our lives.”

“What do you mean?” Amelia asked, confused about his last statement.

“You’re not sure this is what you want.” Owen said with conviction. In his mind, he was pretty sure what he wanted. He had always been. Ever since they had started seeing each other, Owen had always been serious about dating her. But Amelia still had some personal things to work on before she could devote herself to a relationship and he had to respect that, for her sake and his. “And before you can work it out and figure out for sure what you want from now on, it’s not fair to me or to yourself that we keep confusing ourselves like this. Sex is only going to make this even more complicated.” He finalized, looking away to control his urges.

“I thought you wanted it too…” Amelia said with a broken voice, clearly thinking he’d rejected her.

Owen lost his patience completely.

“You think I don’t want you?” He breathed out nervously, digging one hand through her mass of dark hair to force her to look into his eyes. Amelia was startled with his reaction, but not intimidated. She sustained his gaze as he nervously kept on staring deeply into her eyes. “You think I haven’t spent every night in that goddamn hell house thinking about you? Wishing I had you?” Owen closed his eyes and sighed with frustration, unable to help himself. Pulling her closer, he fought the urge to crush her lips with his and settled for brushing them on her temple with agonizing gentleness. “Amelia, for God’s sake I want it more than anything… The problem is, I don’t want a one night stand with you.” Owen pulled apart to once again look into his eyes. He wanted a lifetime. But to go ahead, he had to be sure she was on the same page. “A one night stand is not enough and if I can’t have it all, then there is no point torturing me. Please, understand.”

Amelia didn’t notice she was tearing up. Owen’s eyes were exhaling so much intensity that she was awed by his raw honesty. She understood exactly what he meant. Being with him for the night and then having to figure out her entire life in the morning sounded too complicated. No matter how much Owen tried to deny it or pretend it didn’t matter, he was grieving too. Of course he was just as confused. And she knew he had a point.

“I am sorry.” She apologized for things not being as easy as she wished them to be. “I know you deserve better than all of this.”

Owen tilted his head in compassion. Amelia couldn’t seriously think she wasn’t worthy of him.

“So do you.” He affirmed with conviction. “You deserve better than going through all of this. You deserve better than not feeling good enough.” Owen kissed her forehead, hoping she believed his words. “I hope you know how much you deserve to be loved…” He confessed, thinking about the promise he’d made to Danny and not yet kept. “And maybe one day you will allow yourself to be loved.”

Amelia felt a familiar constriction on her throat at the sound of his sweet words. Somehow, Owen seemed to always know where to go to touch her the deepest.

“And if that day ever comes, you have to know one thing.” He used his index finger to gently tip her chin up, forcing the neurosurgeon to look into his eyes. “Whenever you’re ready, I am here.” Owen smiled gently, containing his overwhelming emotions. “And I will never say no to you.”

Amelia felt her heart fluttering at the meaning of his words. She knew he meant he would never reject her physical advances, but that was not all to it. Owen was admitting he wouldn’t reject loving her and she felt profoundly touched by his loyalty to protect both of their feelings when he could have easily given in to temptation.

Wrapping her arms around his torso, Amelia buried her face in his chest, feeling strong arms surround her in response.

“I know we shouldn’t go there,” her voice sounded muffled through the barrier of his shirt. “But can we please just give ourselves one night?” Amelia looked up to meet his expectant eyes. “I am not talking about sex, I am talking about you and me, just… Just staying here and going to bed without worrying about anything.” Her voice faltered. “Just like old times.” She smiled sheepishly, embarrassed about her proposal. “Maybe we can forget that my family is gone, or that you just came back from war or that… I don’t know… That everything is a mess and we don’t know what’s going to happen next.” Amelia listed, anxiously. “And maybe… maybe just give ourselves this night to take a break from everything?” She saw Owen’s eyes sparkling after hearing her proposal. “I know in the morning all the issues are still going to be there, but maybe tonight they don’t have to be here.” She looked around the room, eager to spend some time with his company. There was no one else in the world Amelia would rather be with and she wanted to enjoy that evening to the fullest. “Just be here.” She nearly begged, out of words to convince him further and then remembered of what he’d replied when earlier that evening she’d asked what he wanted to do “Be with me.”

Owen took a deep breath and exhaled slowly at the same time he took both his hands to her face and gently cupped her cheeks.

“I’d love that.” He smiled contagiously at her. Owen needed that break as much as she did and he wasted no time in letting her know it. “I haven’t had a good night of sleep in months.” He confessed, recalling the makeshift beds in the desert.

Amelia thought back about the past nine months in her life. She couldn’t remember one night in which she’d slept peacefully. Every day, she just felt more tired. But it was like her mind just wouldn’t shut down and she’d figure it was more productive to simply avoid sleep altogether than to lie awake in bed at night, staring at the ceiling while the worst thoughts ran through her head.

And then as Owen’s hand joined hers and they calmly went upstairs, she figured that even if she spent the entire evening awake, it would still be an upgrade just for having his company.

Once in her bedroom, Owen couldn’t help drawing some parallels. During the intense few weeks he had been with Amelia, they had spent nearly every night in his trailer, with the exception of the times one of them had to stay at the hospital or were engaged in something else. He’d been to Amelia’s room a few times before, but they’d never been together on her bed.

The surroundings were exactly like Owen remembered, except the room looked like it hadn’t been used in a while. The bed was made and everything was neatly in its place, which he knew wasn’t very much like Amelia.

“You’ve been cleaning.” He pointed out with an amused smile.

Amelia looked at him, blushing.

“Sometimes, when Richard kicked me out of the hospital for being there too long and I didn’t have anything to do, I’d tidy up my bedroom.”

She tried to make it sound unimportant but Owen could easily imagine Amelia engaged in an intense physical activity like heavy house cleaning just to clear her mind off disturbing thoughts.

“You must be exhausted.” She commented after seconds of silence. Owen was still looking around and Amelia felt her stomach churning once her eyes saw the vacant spot on the wall where a painting had once been. She followed his gaze and realized he’d just noticed it too, but was too polite to ask anything. “I… I accidentally broke it.” Amelia explained, feeling like somehow she owed him an explanation. After all, the object had been a present from him.

“It was too ugly, anyway.” Owen looked at her with a forced smile but Amelia could see his eyes were slightly clouded by something that resembled sadness. She felt guilty to remember she had angrily thrown the painting on a wall during a fit of rage.

Amelia felt like she should say something but she couldn’t quite figure out what. So she settled for looking at him while Owen pulled the covers to her bed. The neurosurgeon felt like an awkward atmosphere was forming so she let him do the task while going to one corner of the room looking for a comfortable shirt.

Owen had just finished arranging the pillows on the bed when he turned his head to ask Amelia if the temperature of the room was okay. But he wasn’t prepared for what he found instead.

With her back turned to him, Amelia had just finished taking off her top, unintentionally exposing to him the gracious curves of her body. Owen didn’t realize he held his breath at the very moment his eyes got a hold of her, or how his heart rate accelerated as he studied the familiar shape of her feminine waist.

Her skin looked as flawless as Owen remembered it to be, and he wanted more than anything to go to her, feel her warmth under his touch and bury his face on her neck, exploring every bit of her body. Her delicate round shoulders rotated in a gracious movement as she reached out for a piece of clothing inside a drawer. He hadn’t meant to look, but now that he was watching her, Owen couldn’t get himself to stop staring. The surgeon wondered if, even months later, being with her would still be as delightful as he remembered it to be.

And once Owen spotted the soft fabric of an old shirt swiftly hiding her tiny figure, he realized how dumb he must have been to ask himself a question to which the answer was very obvious.

Of course Amelia was as adorable as he remembered. And it physically hurt him that he couldn’t have her.

Feeling frustration building up in his stomach, Owen forced himself to divert his gaze and got inside the covers, taking a deep breath to calm his racing heart. Soon after, Amelia asked if she could turn off the lights and when he nodded affirmatively in response, the neurosurgeon engulfed the room in total darkness, sneakily joining him in bed seconds after.

Owen felt the discreet movement on the opposite side of the mattress as she silently got beneath the covers. He desperately wanted to touch her, but had no idea if he should. Amelia had invited him there, but they’d made the promise not to cross any lines. And now Owen was starting to regret his decision of agreeing to spend the night there, because it felt like absolute torture to lie down next to her without touching or even speaking.

It was obvious Amelia was just as restless because she wouldn’t stop moving, apparently trying to get comfortable. But only when she finally turned to face him and her voice interrupted the silence, Owen figured out she was actually struggling with something.

“I am so sorry…” She cried with a broken voice, wrapping one arm around his chest at the same time she buried her face on his neck, like a kid who was too embarrassed after being caught. Owen was just about to ask what was happening when her muffled voice explained, “I didn’t accidentally break the cow… I threw it against the wall… I didn’t mean to…” Her voice faltered and Amelia didn’t realize she wasn’t making any sense, since she had consciously done it. Owen immediately held her closer to him, wondering why she seemed so affected and upset. “I didn’t want it to break and now it’s completely destroyed and…”

“Shh….” Owen kissed the top of her head to interrupt her, hating to see how distressed she was. Amelia’s delicate body was nearly shaking next to his and he wanted more than anything to end her suffering. But he still hadn’t made complete sense of the situation and in order to know what was going on, Owen needed to find out what had really happened. “Why did you throw it? What happened?” He asked patiently.

“I was mad at you.” Amelia sheepishly confessed, still unable to lift her eyes from the crook of his neck, too mortified at her childish reaction.

Owen couldn’t contain a chuckle as he gently lifted his upper body, directly forcing her to bring up her eyes to meet his gaze.

“You were mad at me?” He frowned, distinguishing her eyes even in nearly total darkness. How could she be mad at him if he had just returned home that same day?

“Because I thought you’d died.” Amelia hysterically admitted, hearing his fit of laughter following her irreverent confession.

Owen wrapped both his arms around her and brought her body closer to his. He just couldn’t believe how amazing that woman was. Amelia was so spontaneous and honest that it completely won him over. After kissing her forehead, he explained with a gentle tone.

“I plan to live for many more years, Amelia.” Owen struck her hair with one hand, while the other aimlessly played with her fingers on his chest. He wanted to add that he hoped to do it by her side, but perhaps that night wasn’t the best moment to do that. “I am not leaving you anymore. I promise.”

Amelia heard the comforting sound of his words, feeling her body and mind relaxing with the trustworthy words he’d spoken. It felt amazing to be in the security of his arms, because in that moment, Amelia was sure Owen would never let anything bad happen to her on his watch.

“I am so sorry I broke our painting.”

Her voice was nearly a whisper, but it was the way she claimed they shared possession of the object that made Owen’s heart sink in his chest.

“I’ll buy you another.” He stated, kissing her forehead. He would buy her the world if it meant seeing her smile again. “You can choose one that’s even uglier than the first.”

Amelia chuckled with lighthearted contentment, relaxing completely. She had just opened her mouth to reply, but exhaustion was winning the battle against her reason. It had been months since she had properly slept through the night. It would usually take her hours to fall asleep after going to bed.

And yet now, for some reason, being inside Owen’s embrace and hearing his reassuring words worked like magic to soothe her into calmly dozing off.

The sound of Amelia’s laughter was the last thing Owen focused on before the promise he’d made to Danny Hill came to mind. Owen knew that he had to keep it, because he’d given his word. And even though the sentiment was true, the trauma surgeon wasn’t sure if Amelia would be prepared to hear it.

But Owen also knew that if he kept overthinking, he wouldn’t get to do it, which would ultimately add more guilt and anxiety to his already restless heart. Taking a deep breath, he decided to gather up the courage and finally say it, before he missed the opportunity to do so.

“Amelia…” His voice sounded hoarse when Owen gently caressed her hair, unsuccessfully looking down in search of her face in the darkness of the room. “I love you.”

He held his breath in response, startled that the lack of response from her could mean she was rejecting his confession.

But her body language didn’t confirm Owen’s suspicion. She was still very much relaxed, leaning against him with an arm wrapped around his chest and the side of her face comfortably lying on his shoulder inside his embrace.

Owen stretched his neck looking for eyes, and it was only when he noticed they were closed that he realized Amelia had already been sleeping when he’d spoken the words. Lying against the soft pillow, the trauma surgeon let out a heavy sigh of relief to see she hadn’t freaked out like he feared she might have.

Owen still blinked a couple of times as he stared at the ceiling, thinking about how life had a funny way of doing things. He’d kept his promise, but Amelia hadn’t been able to hear it. Maybe they just weren’t meant to be. Maybe that one night was all he was ever going to get before they each went their own way. As much as it hurt, it was better to accept that.

But as Owen closed his eyes, finally joining Amelia in a deep sleep, he failed to see that the happy smile lingering on her face after his confession proved the complete opposite.

Alright guys, so I know it took me a while to update this, so in case any of you are wondering or having a hard time figuring out the past references, here are some:

- The painting Owen buys for Amelia is a part of chapter 13.

- The first waffle scene is a part of chapter 6

- the promise Owen makes to his patient is on chapter 21

#omelia #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #omeliafics #omeliafanfics #omeliafanfic #omeliafic #oweliafic #amenff #greysanatomy #greysanatomyfanfic

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jordan202 · 7 years

Text

The Journey - Part Twenty-Two

Thank you @jia911!

Previous chapters are HERE.

Timeline for Part 22:

Owen and Amelia deal with the fallout of their respective patients’ surgeries. And after a long time of absence, Owen finally comes back to Seattle following the events of episode 11x22 and what immediately happens after that.

The Journey – Part Twenty-Two

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a break? I can take turns with you so you can actually sleep.”

Owen was startled by the familiar voice of April Kepner and opened his eyes with surprise, blinking repeatedly before coming back to his senses completely.

“I am fine.” He lied, unwilling to admit how exhausted he was. “Go get some rest, Kepner, we have a lot going on tomorrow.”

April stared at her friend with disbelief and disapproval stamped on her face. It had been nearly thirty-six hours since a group of rebels had opened fire against their camp. Everyone was scared and drained. By being a medical support team, they weren’t usual targets for terrorists or even smaller groups rebelling against the government in the countries they had visited. And to most people, including April, that had been an entirely new and frightening situation.

One person in special had lived the most terrifying moment of his life. Private Danny Hill was now in recovery, but April could remember with details the excruciating six hours of surgery when she’d stood with Owen in a makeshift medical tent, working on the boy’s abdomen while hearing gunshots and grenade noises outside. They’d needed all the focus and skill to salvage the patient’s liver. During the entire time, she had only kept her serenity and ability to work because of her mission leader.

Even when the noises had become dangerously close, Owen hadn’t flinched. His courage inspired April. She knew that if it weren’t for her friend, the medical staff wouldn’t be able to perform and Private Hill probably might not even be alive.

For the followings hours, the kid had pulled through an unstable and difficult recovery while the rest of the team assessed the damages following the unexpected attack. A lot of their supplies had been either destroyed or sacked. A homemade bomb had completely devastated one of their ward tents, hurting one patient that was admitted at the time and now also demanded more medical attention. Their stock of food had also been severely lowered, and on top of that, their satellites and phones were also compromised, making it difficult for them to stay in touch with the command base to which the team reported.

Their return home was scheduled for a few days after New Year’s Eve, but April supposed they would anticipate it, considering the current situation of their facilities and the morale of the group. Everyone looked sad and deeply affected by the events.

Everyone but Owen.

April hadn’t failed to notice that while her colleagues seemed scared, afraid or simply unmotivated, their leader had been nothing but supportive to the whole team so far. He hadn’t left Danny’s bedside for one minute, afraid the kid might oscillate in his unstable condition. But April knew that in order to take care of everyone else, Owen first had to make sure he was fine.

“I can stay with him, Owen.” She insisted. “You haven’t slept in two nights, it’ll do you no good to stay in that chair when you could easily go to bed and let me take over.”

“It’s fine.” He stubbornly replied, smiling at her in an attempt to pretend he was okay but the dark circles around his eyes said otherwise.

“Is it just me, or did you actually become attached to this kid?” April teased, knowing she was being sincere. But she expected Owen to deny it, and that’s exactly what she hoped to use to convince him. “You haven’t been able to leave his side.” April explained after noticing the look of confusion on Owen’s face. “That’s the only possible explanation for you not wanting to leave.”

“Of course I am not attached.” Owen repeated the word with rejection, obviously trying to sound like he didn’t care about the kid in a special way.

“Hill is annoying, I know.” April looked at the boy’s pale face on the bed and smiled with care and affection, being assaulted by nostalgia. “He won’t ever shut up and his ability to make jokes and be happy, even at six in the morning can be infuriating.” She added, making Owen laugh. Those facts were no secret among the team. “But I have never seen a group of grown men cry this hard when I had to tell the soldiers that he got shot.” April said with consternation. “And ever since we got here, there wasn’t a day when Hill failed to remind everyone how much he wants to be like you.”

Owen furrowed his brow, looking up to his friend with a questioning look on his face. April immediately picked up on the unasked question and explained.

“You are his hero, Owen.” She smiled with affection, praying for the boy to recover fully as soon as possible. “You are the example he has. And now that you’ve saved his life, I believe he is going to put you in an even higher pedestal.”

Owen felt his heart constricting, and his shyness at April’s declaration became clear on his face.

“He probably saved mine too.” The trauma surgeon admitted with a sheepish tone. And when he noticed that this time it was April who had doubts, he explained, “I mean, I have no idea what could have happened, but he spotted the rebel group coming from behind my back and warned me. That’s what made me jump.” Owen recalled the moments. It felt like a lifetime ago but it hadn’t even been two days yet. “If he hadn’t, God only knows how I could have been shot on the back of my head... I probably owe my life to him.”

April seemed to be emotional for a while, absorbing the information. When Owen was sure she was going to say something meaningful, his friend commented:

“Just… For God’s sake, don’t tell him that? He is going to be even more annoying if he hears it.”

When their eyes met, both surgeons cracked up laughing, finding a much needed outlet for a long journey of exhaustion, both physically and mentally.

Months later, after the boy had already made his recovery, the US Army would honor Private Daniel Robert Hill when they awarded him with a Silver Star Medal for his act of heroism by putting his own life at risk to warn his team of an upcoming enemy attack.

And years later, Owen would also honor Hill by naming his third and fourth son after the brave young man who’d saved his life that Christmas day.

Amelia was going through some patient files, trying to fix the mess she had just made by placing some documents completely out of order. Just that morning, her resident had once again pushed the neurosurgeon’s buttons by implying Amelia should seek professional help for dealing with grief. Even though she had cut back on the dark humor jokes, Amelia would still spend most of her time at the hospital, now more than ever.

Stephanie Edwards had expressed her concern and that had led to a not so friendly argument between the two of them, which had culminated with the resident proposing that maybe she should spend a few weeks in another rotation to explore all her options. Amelia had promptly agreed, relieved to see her go, but she’d done it out of stubbornness and blind pride in the heat of the moment, because one of the few things that still gave her joy was teaching. Especially an eager and talented student like Stephanie.

But not even that could ruin Amelia’s mood that week. For the first time in a long time, she had received good news and while sorting through numbered pages that were out of order, the neurosurgeon still kept her optimism as she focused on the task.

About ten days before, Jamie Donovan had crashed on her operation table and for excruciating two hours, Amelia seriously questioned if the little girl would make it. Not for one second did she give up on the patient. The surgery had been long, meticulous and extremely unsettling but ultimately Amelia had been able to evacuate the clot in time for Jamie’s symptoms to be reversible.

The little girl had faced tough days of recovery in the PICU, with extensive intravenous therapy and constant monitoring. About a week later, right around New Year’s eve, she had been discharged to a ward room, being almost fully recovered with no neurological deficits, which was quite impressive considering the events she’d gone through. Amelia supposed that the only reason why Jamie hadn’t developed complications was because the diagnosis had been made quickly and accurately. If they had waited another hour or maybe even less, the outcome would most likely have been completely different.

Then, two days into the New Year UNOS had called and delivered the best news Amelia and Jamie’s family could hope for. A pair of lungs was available in Portland and the designated recipient was in no condition to receive them. Since they had just found out at the moment of surgery, the organ had to remain there and they transported the patient instead.

Amelia had barely had any time to say goodbye to Jamie when the helicopter came to take her. That evening, the neurosurgeon’s spirits were as anxious as they could be. But then hours later Jamie’s mom had called to notify everything had gone well. Amelia knew the little girl still had a long road of recovery ahead, but everything was on the right track. The actual possibility of Jamie making it and being discharged from the hospital gave her such immense joy that Amelia felt like nothing could ruin her mood that day.

But then, the neurosurgeon’s distracted mood was interrupted by a familiar face who looked so weary that Amelia immediately felt concerned.

“Mrs. Hunt?” The neurosurgeon studied the elderly woman coming in her direction with a heavy frown on her face, noticing how hesitating she looked. From what the neurosurgeon could gather, Evelyn was all alone, which definitely couldn't be a good sign. Instantly, Amelia had a bad feeling about that visit. “Are you okay?”

“Hi, Dr. Shepherd.” Evelyn replied a bit sheepishly, but sounded firm and determined. “Please call me Evelyn.”

Amelia quickly glanced sideways, checking around them to see if anything unusual was happening. After realizing how intimidated and unsure Evelyn Hunt looked, the neurosurgeon gently guided her to a more private corner.

“What brings you here?” Amelia asked with concern, wondering what was the cause for that visit to the hospital in the middle of the day. Evelyn seemed fine, at least physically. Last time Amelia had seen her, Owen’s mother had suffered a domestic accident and had to undergo extensive surgery. “Did you have a fall or…?”

“This visit is not about me.” Evelyn interrupted Amelia, her voice sounding atypically broken as she looked the younger woman deeply in the eyes. “I came because of Owen.”

“Owen?” Amelia replied, feeling her stomach churning. Evelyn looked pale and distressed, like she hadn’t slept well in days. And the neurosurgeon was sure that could only mean bad news.

“I was wondering if… If by any chance he has made contact with you in the last few days?” Evelyn inquired hesitantly, going straight to the point. After seeing the look of confusion on Amelia’s face at the question, she clarified. “I’ve asked Jackson too, I just…” Evelyn stopped, noticing how everything she was saying wasn’t making any sense to Amelia. “I am sorry.” She shook her head in denial. “It was stupid of me to come here, I was just so desperate that I didn't think this through.”

“Evelyn,” Amelia interrupted her rambling. “What are you talking about? What about Jackson? I… I am not sure I…”

“Jackson Avery and I have been exchanging messages ever since my son and his wife left with the Army.” Evelyn explained, seeing how the neurosurgeon was following up. “It’s not always that the two of them can contact home, so whenever one of them does, we tell each other. But ever since Christmas Eve, both Jackson and I haven’t been able to reach neither Owen, nor April.” She added with sorrow and concern.

Amelia felt her stomach churning in protest and tried her best not to freak out completely.

Her head was spinning with the obvious possibility, but Amelia tried her hardest not to consider it. The thought alone of Owen being injured or worse made her want to drop to her knees.

“Have you tried contacting the Army?” She aimlessly asked the first thing that came to mind, feeling desperation start to consume her. During all those months, Amelia hadn’t heard directly from Owen but she did hear people at the hospital commenting and so far, she knew he was okay. Lately, she hadn't seen much of Jackson at the hospital but Amelia had been too busy to consider what his relative absence could mean. “I am sure they would have information on…”

“I did.” Evelyn interrupted her again. Owen’s mom had served and she knew how those things worked. Her son and his friend were completely out of reach and no one had any satisfactory explanation to give. All they would tell her was that his team had lost contact and they were working on tracing their location. “Jackson mentioned that on Christmas he was just talking to April on the phone when…” Evelyn’s voice faltered.

The neurosurgeon immediately picked up on the hint that the news to follow weren’t good. Feeling like she was once again entering a nightmare, Amelia swallowed hard, unsure she was ready to hear the rest of that sentence.

“From what Jackson could gather, their camp was being attacked. He heard gunshots. And the last thing he saw was Owen asking April for help with a patient.” Evelyn finalized, tearing up. “And I have tried everything within my power to find out what happened to my son…” The older woman couldn’t hold her emotions any longer, discreetly shedding tears while speaking with a broken voice. “I contacted old friends, I sent out emails, I event went to the Army office in person. But no one has any information to give and Jackson hasn’t had any success either… Not even with his family’s influence. I feel like I have tried everything I possibly can, but I still don't know what's happened to him… So I remembered you and I thought, maybe Owen called you during this period?” She raised her eyes expectantly. Evelyn Hunt had once supposed her son and the beautiful neurosurgeon standing in front of her were somehow emotionally involved. She hadn’t wanted to pry so back then she hadn't asked, but right now, hearing about Owen was more important than respecting people’s privacies.

“He hasn't, I am sorry.” Amelia tried to console the elderly lady. She bit her bottom lip to hold her own emotions as she tried her best to come up with nice words to comfort Evelyn, but at that moment, Amelia couldn’t formulate a two-word sentence. Her mouth was dry and her pulse was racing. The slightest notion that Owen could have been shot and killed in an Army camp made her want to scream in terror. This was beyond any nightmare she could have possibly imagined. “Owen hasn't spoken to me ever since before he left.” Amelia admitted with a somber voice, feeling her throat constricting with a familiar sense of terror. She could feel her palms getting sweaty by the minute. Amelia had never felt like that before, but she supposed that was probably what a panic attack felt like.

“I am so sorry to disturb you at your work…” Evelyn said with sincerity, looking the younger woman in the eyes, far too caught up with her own sorrow to notice the terror on Amelia’s face. “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just… I just couldn’t sit home and do nothing anymore… It’s been over a week. And I need to know if my son is okay.”

Evelyn Hunt had already lost a child to war. She wouldn’t be able to cope if she lost another one.

“You’re not disturbing me.” In an impulse, Amelia reached out and grabbed the woman’s hand, gently squeezing it. Unconsciously, she hoped that that handhold could transmit all the support the words were failing to communicate at that moment. “Please, will you…?”

Amelia’s voice failed as she processed the devastating information.

“Of course.” Evelyn understood the question without Amelia needing to ask it. “I will let you know as soon as I hear anything.”

As the older lady turned around and left, Amelia felt the weight of her body suddenly becoming too heavy for her knees to support it. That just couldn’t be true. The possibility Evelyn’s words had implied made the neurosurgeon sick to her stomach.

Everything around Amelia was spinning and she held on to the counter not to fall. She just couldn’t be there anymore. She needed to get away. Feeling dizzy all of a sudden, Amelia gathered the rest of the files she had been sorting in a messy pile and dropped them inside the first drawer she found, noticing how shaky her usually steady hands were. A nauseating feeling was building up in her stomach and her head was throbbing so violently that she had no idea how she managed to drive home that night.

Up until now, Amelia had somehow found a way to get herself together and pull through the horrible events that had followed ever since the end of her relationship with Owen. Her brother had died and her sister in law’s had disappeared with the kids, condemning Amelia to dark days of worry and agony.

She had been in a bad enough shape already but on top of all of that, Owen had left for an Army tour and his absence had left a void in Amelia’s heart that she hadn’t been able to fill with anything. Not work, not teaching. Nothing.

Derek had been in an accident and his life had tragically ended. She’d attended his funeral and had gotten some sort of closure, at least. Her niece and nephew were far too young to have any saying on where they were taken. And Amelia knew they were with their mother, so at least the two kids were being looked after.

But Owen had gone to a war zone and put his life at risk. He had left and Amelia had stayed behind, trying to pick up her pieces all by herself. She knew she hadn't exactly been easy to him, that she had spitefully told Owen that there was nothing for her in Seattle and that most likely had accounted to his decision to re enlist. But now she could feel the bitter taste of the words in her mouth because what if she never saw him again?

What if she never had the chance to tell Owen the truth? To say to him how she truly felt, how he had been the only thing in her life that had kept her going after her brother had passed away… how her love for him overwhelmed and scared her, because it was the only positive and genuine feeling Amelia could find in her heart amongst so much anger and disappointment and cruelty in the world...

She didn't want to lose Owen.

And Amelia wouldn't be able to cope if she’d already lost him.

The neurosurgeon now supposed that, unconsciously, the only thing that had kept her sane in the past months was the expectation of Owen coming home one day soon. Amelia had clung to it with desperation. She avoided thinking about it, but deep down, she couldn't consider another possibility.

If only she could see him with her own eyes and be sure he was alive and well… That would be enough to make her at least get some sleep at night. Even if he never spoke to her again, Amelia needed to know he was okay.

The house was dark and empty as the neurosurgeon expected it to be. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d come back home and actually spent more than a couple of hours there. The used mugs on the sink were a proof that someone still lived there, but Amelia just couldn’t stand the sight of it all.

The toys scattered in the living room were a heartbreaking memory of the happy moments she’d spent sitting on that playing mat with Zola and Bailey. Her brother’s favorite overcoat was still hanging on the foyer by the door. And the photographs of a once happy family framed on the living room were a cruel reminder that no happiness lasted too long. At least not in Amelia’s life.

And on top of that, through the window across the large yard, an empty large trailer remained locked and untouched, much like Amelia’s emotions inside her heart until that day.

Quickly sweeping those thoughts from her mind, the neurosurgeon made her way upstairs, feeling the physical exhaustion and emotional drainage consuming her. Amelia would give nearly anything to have a drink right now. She had to resort to her last ounce of self-control not to assault the liquor cabinet downstairs and get numbed to endure the pain she had been put through.

And then, as she walked into the second floor bedroom, her eyes immediately spotted a familiar painting hanging on the wall.

“You can’t have romance without a stomping cow playing the piano in front of a farm field.”

Owen’s voice once filled with so much warmth and affection had teased her right before he’d playfully stolen a kiss from her lips. Amelia could still vividly remember the scene as she played it in her head.

Owen had gotten that that painting for her in their first official date. He had actually made a bid on it at an auction because Amelia had made jokes about the questionable piece of art and he’d found her honesty refreshingly amusing. When she’d brought it home, Amelia had been filled with expectations and hope for what their growing relationship could potentially turn out to be.

The tasteless, framed canvas had been the first gift Owen had ever given her and Amelia had cherished it longingly, unable to take it off the wall even after they had already broken things off. Even though the image on it was horrible, the object held an immeasurable sentimental value to her.

But now Owen had gone off to war and probably got himself killed. And Amelia couldn’t handle it. She just couldn't accept it, or even understand.

Why had he left? Why had stolen her heart like that and gone away, making Amelia unable to move on with her life, making her unable to sleep at night, to eat, to breathe until she got the smallest piece of information notifying her of his status?

His crystal blue eyes haunted her mind and Amelia sat on the tip of the bed, tearing up with pain and confusion. But her emotional outburst quickly evolved to anger as the neurosurgeon felt her heart racing and her breathing getting heavier.

How was that fair to her?! Why did Owen have to be so stubborn, so unbreakable? She was insanely mad at him for actually going to a war zone, for risking his life to save other people, for leaving her behind without even bothering to say goodbye… and for disappearing without giving Amelia the chance to tell him how much she loved him.

“Damn you!” She yelled irrationally, projecting on the painting her anger with him as she threw the object. across the bedroom in an impulsive fit of maddening rage.

The fragile frame and display glass broke into a hundred pieces as it hit a wall, causing a deafening noise to wake Amelia from her uncontrolled behavior. The shattered glass on the floor made her heart break all over again and Amelia was defeated by her own emotions.

The tears started to fall so heavily and fast that once they did, Amelia lost control completely and couldn’t hold it back anymore. In seconds, she was already sobbing as she crouched down near the destroyed painting, regretting her impulsivity. The object was now completely ruined. It was a piece of Owen she would never get to have back, like so many others she had lost when she pushed him away. And Amelia felt guilt start to consume her, adding to her anxiety and distress.

Unable to keep looking at what represent very well the status of her life at that moment, Amelia left the scattered pieces behind and turned on the hot shower, in one last attempt to calm her head. She sobbed and cried throughout the entire time she spent under the warm water, clenching her fists and hitting the cold tiles on the wall with anger and frustration at the way everything seemed to crumble whenever she tried to pick herself up and live a normal life.

Then, nearly half an hour later, after all the tears had subsided, Amelia was strangely empty and more vulnerable than she had ever felt. Her eyes were swollen, her throat was constricted and the burden on her chest didn’t feel any lighter. But strangely, it was like after letting out her emotions, even if in secret, she had regained at least some control back.

The neurosurgeon finished drying her hair and walked over to the wardrobe, pulling the first pair of clean underwear she found. Amelia was just about to search for a comfortable set of pajamas when her eyes found a grey sweatshirt, so large that it obviously didn’t originally belong to her.

Pulling Owen’s old army training uniform from the hanger, Amelia put it on, despite it being way too large for her size. She pulled up the zipper, feeling the soothing touch of the soft fabric on her skin. But what comforted her the most was the way Owen’s scent still lingered on the piece of clothing, making Amelia feel that, no matter where in the world he was right now, her thoughts and her heart were with him entirely.

Little did Amelia know that, at that exact time, Owen was on a flight to Seattle. His team had finally been able to wrap up the mission and resume contact with the army base they reported to. The majority of people had gone home right after New Year’s eve, but Owen and April had stayed behind, making sure Danny Hill was in fit conditions to endure such a hard and extenuating transport.

When the kid was finally able to be evacuated, a medical team had taken him to Landstuhl Hospital in Germany, giving Owen and April no option but to return home.

And Owen longed for it more than anything.

The promise he’d made Danny was still very much alive in his mind and Owen counted the minutes to get to Seattle. He knew he probably should have called his mother and notified her of his upcoming arrival, but since they were only a few of hours from home, Owen planned to surprise her.

It was late morning when their flight finally landed at the airport. He and April split a cab and once Owen realized she was going straight to the hospital to surprise Jackson, he didn’t hesitate to accompany her. He had no idea if he would find Amelia there, but just the thought of maybe seeing her filled his heart with enough joy to endure the traffic at that hour.

Amelia dragged her feet through the hospital corridors, feeling like she had been taken down in a physical fight. Her head was throbbing from the amount of tears she had shed the night before. And Amelia still couldn’t get rid of that faltering sensation that everything around her was slowing crumbling, drowning her further in a whirlwind she wasn’t sure how to escape from anymore.

All she really wanted to become invisible, to get through that day and maybe make something meaningful out of it. But just as Amelia was walking through the corridor checking a patient’s labs in his chart, she was gently interrupted by Richard Webber.

“Oh, Amelia, hey,” the senior chief of surgery greeted her with goodheartedly. “Got time for a cup of coffee?”

The last thing on Amelia’s mind was socializing, so she settled for a forced smile as the words coming out of her mouth sounded fake even on her ears.

“Sorry, busy day.”

“Yeah.” Richard agreed. By the sound of his words, Amelia could tell he was still hovering somewhere behind her. Much to her dismay, she was sure the conversation wouldn’t there. And just like she had foreseen it, he added. “Haven’t seen you at a meeting in a while. A long while” Richard reinforced.

Amelia didn’t want to drag the subject any further but she was didn’t have the proper state of mind to discuss that.

“Like I said, really busy…”

“Edwards mentioned something about you…”

The notion that her resident had gone behind her back to speak about her made Amelia lose what little patience she had left.

“Really?” She asked irritably while turning around, in an obvious defensive posture. “What else is Edwards saying?”

Amelia noticed as Richard gently scoffed, as if trying not to make a big deal of the situation.

“I’m not accusing you.” He clarified. “I’m checking in. You know, I get to check in.” The man said, hoping she would agree. After all, they shared an important part of their lives and had repeatedly given each other support in times of need. “That’s the kind of friends we are.”

“I do not have time for coffee! I do not have time for meetings. I don’t…!” Amelia snapped, growing more resentful by the minute. All the emotions that had overloaded her just the night before came back will force and the neurosurgeon couldn’t contain the words as they seemed to automatically leave her mouth. “My job is not make you feel better about me,” She unfairly accused Richard. “My job is to make my patients get better.” Amelia stated, thinking about Jamie and the way she had been lucky enough to save her. If Amelia hadn’t acted in the exact moment she had, Jamie might not have survived. “Do you know what can happen in the hour or two I would be wasting with you?” The neurosurgeon heatedly fired, already bordering irrationality. “An hour or two matters! They matter to me! They should matter to you. They matter to my patients.” She added with certainty, grateful that she had been spending this much time at the hospital.

Richard noticed how distressed and close to losing control the young neurosurgeon was and in that moment he was sure of he’d already anticipated. Amelia wasn’t doing fine at all. During the past months, he had been tolerating her coping mechanisms because even though he knew they weren’t the most appropriate responses, at least Amelia seemed balanced.

But in the past couple of weeks, she had been acting more unusually than ever and Richard really feared that she might relapse. As she blurted out her thoughts, Amelia’s gaze met Richard’s and she tried to make sense of what was happening, but couldn’t. Everywhere she looked, there was too much loss. Uncontrollably, Amelia’s thoughts shifted to her brother and how she hadn’t even gotten to see him before he was let go.

“If I leave and my patient dies, it’s not me who will suffer, it’s his mother, his sisters, his friends, his wife, and they will hate me…” She added cruelly, rethinking the entire situation Derek had gone through and how little details she had of the whole thing. Amelia hadn’t been included in any part of the decision making and even though she tried to ignore it, the memory stung painfully. “With everything inside them, they will hate me and you and everyone here because they won’t understand why he is gone, why people always leave...” Amelia started to lose the battle to her own emotions, not noticing how personal she was getting. Her voice broke and in her child-like tone, it was obvious her words were filled with hurt and heartbreak. Owen’s face came to mind and she had to pull a herculean effort not to break down. At that moment, her outburst had already attracted attention from a lot of the hospital staff, but the neurosurgeon remained blissfully oblivious to that. “Why everyone you give a crap about walks away or is ripped from your world without warning, without reason, in convenience stores and plane crashes and podunk hospitals with podunk doctors who don’t do what they are supposed to do which is save people!” Amelia raised her voice, thinking about all the loved ones she’d already lost, including her father, Mark, Derek, her child… She desperately didn’t want to add more names to that list and the notion alone that Owen might just join them made her sick to her stomach.

Right after her outburst, she paused to catch her breath, noticing in Richard’s lack of reaction that something was wrong.

Amelia was prepared to fight. There was so much rage brewing inside of her that nothing would please her more than engaging in a verbal battle, be it whomever was available. But judging by the expression on Richard’s face, it became clear that instead of getting angry at her, he felt sorry.

And that was more than Amelia could bear.

Suddenly, she became very aware of people whispering about her in the hallways and a fit of embarrassment and regret formed in her chest. She was just turning her head to step away from the scene when unexpectedly, her eyes caught sight of a tall blonde man dressed in combat clothes who stared back at her with a very familiar pair of amazing blue eyes.

Amelia didn’t believe what she was seeing. Maybe she really was going crazy. It had to be a hallucination.

Owen wasn’t there. He was dead… He was…

But as she looked away and tried her best to focus again, the only thing she could do was to gather her file and sneakily get out of the public place, fearing how unstable her mind was.

Amelia was deeply embarrassed to have spoken to Richard the way she had. And more than that, she was mortified by the vision she’d just had.

It couldn’t be real, could it? Seeing Owen in flesh and bone had been so overwhelming that Amelia chose not to believe it.

She really was losing it. There was no other explanation. Amelia had lost control and there was only one way she knew for sure she could get it back.

Her heart was failing. She was tired. Consumed by a chronic exhaustion after long months burying every feeling in the book under a pile of anger and work. It consumed a lot of energy to withstand that mechanism on a daily basis and Amelia had just reached her very limit.

She just didn’t know where to find the strength to keep going anymore.

Before Amelia could realize what she was doing, her feet had taken her to the fourth floor lounge where she knew a few anesthesiology residents liked to hang out.

Without ceremony, she approached a short mid twenties boy with a sickening pale skin.

“I need you to score me a bag of O.C.s”

The young man looked at her with renewed interest.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He replied sarcastically, with a corner smile that made Amelia absolutely sure he knew just too well what she meant.

It was to be expected that a guy working under her denied the fact he was in possession of drugs, but Amelia didn’t bother with small talk.

“I am not here to play around, so let’s just get straight to it…” Amelia rolled her eyes with impatience. “What’s your price?”

The guy spent seconds looking at her, as if testing the attending to see how serious she was about it. When he finally seemed convinced, he replied:

“I want in on all your craniotomies for the rest of my neuro rotation.” The resident proposed, clearly aiming high.

Amelia scoffed with despise, lowering her voice.

“You’re insane. I am not letting a burnout like you anywhere near my OR.”

The resident took offense and looked at her in a very suggestive way.

“Looks like you and me are two peas of the same pod, Dr. Shepherd.” He smiled with pretense, looking Amelia from head to toe, clearly dismissing her argument. “So I suggest you take back what you just said.”

Amelia swallowed hard. She didn’t have an answer for that. She was a drug addict and right now, one who really needed to get something. Even if she weren’t going to use it, Amelia just needed the comfort of knowing she had it available in case everything got out of control again.

“You’re not going in my OR.” The neurosurgeon affirmed with authority. “What else do you want for it?” She asked firmly, determined to make the trade.

The sneaky third year resident slid his hands into his shoulder bag and removed a little plastic bag so sneakily that Amelia would totally have missed it in case she wasn’t directly looking.

Feeling overconfident, the young man took one step forward and very suggestively placed the bag in Amelia’s scrub pocket, on purpose taking his time.

“You know, I can think of a couple of ways you can pay me back…” He suggestively looked from her eyes to her lips and then to her breasts.

And Amelia felt nauseated.

Taking one step back with violence, she quickly got rid of his touch and stared at the man with fury in her eyes.

“You touch me again and I will make sure you don’t see the inside of an OR for the rest of your life.” Amelia threatened, grabbing the small bag inside her pocket with force. “I will keep this as an apology for what you did.”

Even though the neurosurgeon had sounded confident, on the inside she was shaking. Nothing could guarantee that young man wouldn’t go around the hospital halls spreading rumors. Her reputation was already rocky and the anesthesiology resident wasn’t exactly known for having a role model behavior.

But after being faced with her rejection, the boy gave her a corner smile, almost as if approvingly.

“Next time you need something from me, you aren’t going to take it.” He assured her. “We will be sharing it.”

The propriety with which he said the words, following by his lascivious stare made Amelia even more nauseated. Before she could realize what she was doing, the neurosurgeon found herself going back home, taking the little white pack safely kept in her pocket.

A few hours later, Amelia lost track of how much time she spent pacing back and forth in her brother’s front yard.

For some reason, she just couldn’t seem to enter the house. The tiny bag in her pocket was the key to make all that pain go away and even though Amelia desperately wanted to use it, she knew she shouldn’t.

It was so hard to think about everything that was happening and process it, that Amelia spent her time focusing on emptying her mind, instead. She tried not to think about Owen or her brother or even her young patient who had just received a lung transplant.

But when a deep male voice spoke from behind startling her, Amelia could feel her heart skipping a beat.

“Hey.”

The neurosurgeon turned around in surprise, instantly meeting serene blue eyes that stared at her with longing and something else Amelia couldn’t quite identify. But as Owen came striding in her direction with an expression of hope in his face, Amelia found it hard to remain disconnected.

“It’s good to see you.” He added, unsure of what exactly to say.

“Hey.” Amelia breathed out, turning her back to him in denial as she tried to contain her emotions.

This couldn’t be happening. Owen was there and she was paralyzed. After losing so many people she loved, Amelia had already learned that staying up at night wishing they would come back never made any difference. So she had pretty much given up hope. When Owen was presumed dead, she prepared herself for another round of funerals and heartbreak.

But actually seeing him alive and well was so overwhelming that Amelia was frozen.

Owen noticed the stiffness in her body language and he kept his distance, despite his wish to wrap his arms around her to never again let go. As he’d arrived in the hospital just moments before, he was not sure if he would see her again. But then he’d spotted her name in the OR board and the way his heart swelled simply overtook him. Owen had not been ready for such an intense reaction.

The prospect of actually seeing her again fueled him to take a detour just so he could check up on her. After all that time, how would Amelia be coping? Judging by the little he’d seen earlier that day when she’d ranted at Richard Webber, Amelia wasn’t nearly as okay as Owen wished she was.

He’d taken a couple of hours to go see his mother and found the woman at a mortified state of mind. But after Evelyn was finally convinced her son was in one piece, Owen just had to see the neurosurgeon again.

Preferably, in privacy.

“Feels like I’ve been away forever, but I see nothing’s changed.” He casually commented, hoping to lure her into the conversation. His eyes fell upon the remains of a branch tree upon which he’d hung a sandbag the day Amelia had willingly walked over to his trailer and confessed she wanted his company right after Nicole Herman had finally woken up from her surgery. “Except they chopped down that old tree.”

Amelia turned her eyes in the direction he was pointing, not really following up with the conversations. She was restless and didn’t know yet what was happening. Her mind just couldn’t get in synchrony with her feelings and she was growing agitated and impatient by the minute.

“Yeah,” the neurosurgeon automatically replied, too distracted to have absorbed the content of his words.

Owen noticed how anxious she looked. He waited in the hopes she would express any inclination to talk, or at least show some sort of positive feeling to see him.

Owen had waited for that moment ever since the day he’d left. All he wanted was to go to her and hold her, hoping that Amelia would be as happy to see him as he was to see her. But as she made herself even more distant and kept her silence, the trauma surgeon realized that maybe he had been too hopeful with his wishes.

“Okay, I’ll…” Owen felt his heart shattering. “I’ll see you around.” He added as he walked way, devastated to realize the woman he loved wasn’t the least interested in even asking how he was after he’d spent nearly a year in a war zone.

And just as Owen was taking his fingers to the bridge of his nose, trying to keep his own feelings in check, her words cut the thin air like a blade slicing perfectly healthy skin.

“I have a baggie full of black-market Oxy in my coat pocket and I’m trying to decide whether or not to take it.”

Owen froze in his feet, instantly turning around in alarm. As he did so, Amelia shamelessly flashed him the bag, almost as if daring him to stop her from doing it.

Amelia’s words had left her lips so suddenly and impulsively, that the neurosurgeon didn’t even get to think of why she had decided to share it. For the past nine months, Amelia had been avoiding talking to anyone as much as she could.

And yet now, without asking a single question, Owen had already somehow managed to break her defenses and earn a confession from her.

The realization alarmed Amelia and she went back to her most daring mode, defensively despising everyone and everything around her in order to guard her own feelings.

“I’ve got the Dead-Derek thing completely managed.” She said in order to convince herself too. It was clear in Owen’s eyes that he didn’t believe her, so Amelia went further, testing him to see how far he could take it. “I know people were worried. Since he died, everybody’s been looking at me, waiting for me to fall apart or freak out or just… Boom! Become a mess.” Amelia knew she was scandalizing and kept on acting like that on purpose, just to see if Owen would shrug and realize she was a basket case and unworthy of his time as he walked away or if he would stick around to actually be convinced that she was indeed handling it. “Like some bomb everyone thinks is supposed to go off…” Amelia confessed, thinking about the day of the funeral and how back then everyone had looked at her expecting the youngest Shepherd to make a scene. “My mother was calling three, four times a day. Addison was calling… Everyone.” The neurosurgeon confessed, realizing that ever since her brother had died, this was the first time she actually talked about it with anyone. Her mother and Addison hadn’t been the only ones to try, even Sheldon and Charlotte had been very insistent on it, but Amelia mostly rejected their calls and replied with short messages later stating that she was fine. “It makes sense. It’s natural.” Amelia added with despise, thinking about how she’d gotten close to mourning Owen too and how that had devastated her.

Owen softened his expression, trying to quickly catch up with the unspoken words of what she was saying. It had become clear in a matter of seconds after seeing her that Amelia was anything but fine.

It was obvious in her every word and action that she was clearly in pain and Owen felt a wave of self loathing consuming himself when he thought about just how much Amelia had probably gone through, and most likely alone.

He’d left her thinking that she was surely going to count on her family’s support as she planned to move to New York, but it was obvious none of that had happened. Instead, he’d come home to find her in an erratic state of mind, most likely having gone back to doing drugs again.

Owen’s temple began to throb and he looked at the gorgeous woman standing in front of him, exhaling so much pain in every word that he couldn’t withstand seeing it.

“Every man I’ve ever loved has died, including my baby.” Amelia recalled. First her father, then her son, then her brother… How dumb was she to expect that Owen would somehow escape her toxic curse? And yet, there he was, standing up just a few feet away, deeply looking into her eyes while Amelia finally let her walls down after months of walking around in circles. “Thank you, universe. So I should be, like… Greek tragedy, turned to stone, bat-crap crazy, but I’m good. I got this. I am fine. I’m telling you, I’m amazing. I am saving lives left and right.” Amelia added, not sure if her despise was at the situation or at herself. As she spoke, Owen kept staring at her with loving eyes, almost as if waiting for her rant to finish so he could intervene. The realization made Amelia even more determined to be convincing. “I am putting butts in the seats in that OR gallery. I mean, people are fighting to hear me lecture. I am entertaining! Joke, joke, joke! I’m funny! I’m fun! I’m a party! I’m doing… I’m great!” Her voice faltered as she realized she was failing to convince ever herself. How could Owen just come back from a war zone and look so together while she was one step away from completely falling apart? Beaten up exhaustion, Amelia toned down her voice and took a deep breath before saying, giving up the worked up attitude. “I’m handling the dead-Derek thing really well.”

“Okay.”

Owen kept meticulously studying her expression. He knew she was lying. She did too, he was sure. But Owen also knew that Amelia had probably not expressed her feelings in any way close to now. He had a bad feeling that, for the past nine months, Amelia had carefully kept all that pain stored somewhere deep inside of her, unable to cope with it.

“Except today, I yelled at Richard, who was only trying to invite me for coffee,” He heard her interrupt his thoughts. “And then I went and scored Oxy from this junkie doctor.”

Immediately, Owen’s expression changed from understanding to concerned. The trauma surgeon frowned as he took one step forward, clearly anxious.

“But you haven’t taken any?

“Not yet.” Amelia replied, finally encountering some emotion in him. She noticed how her revelation had alarmed him, and unconsciously tested his limits, acting indifferent and uncaring just to see how far he’d stay to stop her. “But I might.” She raised her eyebrows in clear defiance. “That’s the thing. I really actually might.”

It didn’t take Amelia long to figure out he wasn’t going anywhere. The realization touched her at the same time it brought back all her anger at him for endangering his life when the single thought of losing him had nearly devastated her.

“I have been sober for one thousand three hundred twenty one days, Owen.” Amelia heard her own voice breaking. “I was fine. I was managed. But I might.”

Owen saw the stubbornness in her eyes and had to control an urge not to go to her and put some sense into her head with his touch instead of his words. It’d been too long since the last time he’d been able to hold her. And he wanted that, more than anything.

Amelia was hurting deeply. She had every reason to. And because she probably had never been taught how to cope with pain very well, she was acting out like a child throwing a tantrum, longing for the limits, acceptance and consolation she had never been offered.

“All this stuff you’re managing…” Owen crossed his arms behind his back, using his best authoritative voice. In a matter of seconds, Amelia’s response went from angry and frustrated to retreated and vulnerable. He noticed and softened his voice, trying to give her the understanding she had very likely never received during that time. Perhaps not in her entire life. “You’re not supposed to be managing it.” Owen took one step closer. “You’re supposed to be feeling it. Grief, loss, pain. It is normal.”

“It’s not normal.” Amelia chided, irritated. None of what happened was normal. Losing that many people, seeing so much pain… None of that slightly normal.

“It is.” Owen insisted. In that moment, Amelia turned her back and walked away, refusing to hear what she supposed would come next.

Just like everyone else, Owen would tell her much of a failure she was. That while everyone else just toughened it up, it was Amelia who was the weak one for allowing her feelings to get the best of her.

“It is normal. It is not normal to you because you’ve never done it.”

Amelia stopped walking, surprised by the words coming out of his mouth. She looked up to meet his eyes, confused and intrigued at the same time, but Owen didn’t seem to notice any of that as he insistently stood in her way, forcing her to hear what he had to say.

“Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you’ve shoved it all down and do drugs instead. Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. You…” He straightforwardly explained. Amelia was grateful in that moment that he didn’t dance around the subject, or talked about it like she was a monster for resorting to drugs in the first place. It was the first time someone talked about her addiction without an ounce of judgment and the realization awed her.

Her vision got blurry when tears started to assault her eyes, but Amelia was still able to notice how affected by his own words Owen also became. It was like he had just had an epiphany.

Too mortified after realizing he had done the same thing he was accusing her of, Owen sat down, feeling the worst he’d felt since he got there.

“Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it.” He courageously admitted, flashing his army cap in surrender. “I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty.” Amelia noticed how disturbed he was and in that moment, she felt sorry for him too. It was obvious Owen was hurting just as much and not for the first time, she wondered who was ever there for the man who took care of everybody else with such fiber and courage when he needed a shoulder to cry on.

“We do these things. We run off, and we… And we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it’s not normal.” Owen exposed the wound, unaware of how much he was getting to Amelia at that moment. His words were describing her reactions exactly, and Amelia had never felt so understood. And by including the simple fact that he wasn’t that much different made Amelia hate herself a little less. Because if Owen, of all people, was capable of failing too, then maybe she wasn’t really that bad as she was made to believe. Amelia had no dimension of just how much she admired him and to see him share the same feelings as he deeply touched her heart. “We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to love, and hate, and hurt, and grieve, and break, and be destroyed…” Owen got up, focusing his entire attention on her again, noticing how affected she had become. “And rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s… That’s… That’s being alive.” He explained. “That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t… Don’t avoid it. Don’t extinguish it.”

Amelia stood in silence, feeling her heart swelling as tears assaulted her eyes.

During most of her life, she had been censored every time she expressed any emotion that wasn’t convenient to the people around her. Until all those feelings had culminated with a drug addiction as a desperate measure to shove them all down. Amelia had learned the hard way that it didn’t work. So she just coped with things the way people around her usually did.

And now this wonderful man stood in front of her and encouraged Amelia to do what she had desperately wanted to do her entire life, but never could. Until she had grown too afraid of her own reactions to even consider it.

“Derek died.” Amelia admitted with a broken voice, for the first time processing the dimension of those two simple words. Owen knew his eyes were tearing up too when he nodded affirmatively, anticipating what was about to come. Amelia would break down and his heart would be torn in two, but she had to do it, for her own sake. It was long overdue, and she needed that more than he needed not to see her suffer. “He died. I don’t want to feel it. I… I don’t think I can. I don’t think I even want to…” Amelia felt herself losing control and fought the familiar sensation of spiraling down. Immediately, she reached out for her pocket where the bag of oxy had been shoved down. “I can’t. I can’t. I can’t do this.”

“You have to. If you don’t…” Owen tried to reason.

“No, I can’t. Shh! I can’t do this!” She insisted, sniffing soundly.

“You… You have to.” Owen raised his voice to interrupt her. Once he was sure he had all her attention, he added with certainty. “If you don’t, that bag of Oxy is not going to be your last.”

Amelia looked into Owen’s eyes, breathing in and out heavily. She had a decision to make and she knew it.

She could take the easier route and simply go back inside, make all of her problems disappear with that small white bag and simply live to see another day. It wouldn’t hurt, quite the contrary. It would cause a much needed feeling of bliss that she hadn’t felt in a very long time… Probably ever since she had allowed herself to be happy with Owen while worrying about nothing.

Or, she could give up the drugs, keep her sobriety and drown in the worst sensations. Amelia knew it was the only way to make all that pain go away permanently, but she rejected the sorrow with her entire being. She’d already had to process the loss of too many people she loved, so the neurosurgeon knew how cruel and soul shaping the experience could be. She wasn’t ready for it. She didn’t have any reason to choose this option.

And yet, the man she loved stood in front of her offering Amelia a lot more than she probably deserved. And she had to do it. For him, but mostly for her.

Giving the bag of oxy one last look, Amelia stretched out her hand, finally giving it up. And with that gesture, she also made her choice.

The moment Owen’s hand touched hers to collect the bag, Amelia was assaulted by the weight of nine months of unshed tears. A scream of utter pain and sorrow left her lips and she had to support her hands on her knees not to lose her balance.

Owen heard her weeping and took a deep breath to be able to endure it. Seeing Amelia breaking down like that was worse than anything else he’d experienced in the past months.

Also surrendering and accepting the pain, Owen kneeled down beside her, catching her as she fell.

“You’re going to be okay.” He assured her, relieved to finally have her back in his arms. It had been too many agonizing months in which Owen had dreamed of it. Finding Amelia in that condition had certainly not been what he imagined, but he was determined to never let her go again. “You’re going to survive this, okay?” Owen promised, gently caressing her hair, overwhelmed by just how much he missed it. “Everybody does.” Among her cries, Amelia finally wrapped her arms around his neck, giving Owen the confirmation that she too had been waiting for that moment. Now that she was with him, he could finally breathe in peace again. With a smile of joy and relief, Owen finally relaxed, focusing entirely on comforting her. Amelia’s wellbeing was the most important thing at that moment. “It’s perfectly normal. It’s boring, even. It’s so normal.”

Owen closed his eyes and kissed the side of her face, grateful to the universe that he was back home again in time to prevent a disaster, and that she was there, safely kept in his arms. Despite the shape she was in at that moment, the trauma surgeon kept his positivity because from now on, Owen would take care of her. He would make sure she was okay, no matter what.

They lost count of how many minutes Amelia stayed in his embrace, crying her heart out. Slowly, Owen got up with her, but didn’t let her go for one second. Soon enough, Amelia buried her face between his neck and his chest. He could feel her tears wetting his clothes, adding to his own pain. Owen was relieved for her that she was finally letting it all out, but seeing her do it was incredibly devastating for him too.

“You left…” Amelia broken voice interrupted the silence, shattering what little self-respect Owen still had left. “You went away and I thought you’d died out there.”

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” Owen tightened his grip around her, cursing the heavens for not having the peace of mind to stay when she probably needed him the most.

“You left and it’s all my fault.” Amelia added with a muffled voice, surprising him. Just as Owen was about to ask what she was talking about, she finally brought her head up, staring at him with those gorgeous silver eyes filled with so much sorrow and regret. “I know I said I…” Her voice broke once again as a single tear rolled down her cheek. “I didn’t mean to…” She pleaded with a trembling lower lip. “I never meant to… Owen,” her voice was nearly a whisper now. “I am sorry…I am so sorry…”

Owen closed his eyes and took a deep breath, or else he’d risk breaking down too. He wrapped his arms around her even tighter, not quite believing what was happening. Amelia was in pain, part of which he’d inflicted not only by leaving but also by adding to her concern and yet now she stood in his arms, asking for his forgiveness for the way she had reacted. And the thing was, Owen couldn’t even blame her.

“You’re going to be okay now.” He assured her, holding her face with one hand while his other arm kept a steady grip around her waist. “There’s nothing to be sorry for… You’re okay now…” Owen repeated, assuring himself just as much as he assured her. His lips brushed on her temple as he felt Amelia melting in his arms again.

They were immersed in a comfortable silence, both dealing with the repercussions of that moment individually.

For months, Amelia hadn’t been able to relax, drowning in work to distract herself from everything that had happened. Her many sleepless nights had only added to her discomfort, causing more anxiety in a pattern that never seemed to break. Just the day before, she thought she lost Owen too, and that had been the final drop to send her in a downward spiral.

But Owen had come back, found her and rescued her in time. Amelia thought back about the many other times when she’d needed him and how he’d never failed to be there.

“Will you…” She hesitated as she looked up to meet his eyes, unwilling to let him go. Amelia looked scared, like she was afraid he would say no to her question. “Will you stay with me tonight?”

Owen felt the soft touch of her hand on his chest as her amazing blue eyes stared at him with so much vulnerability and pain that he knew what he was going to say before he even processed the question. He dug his fingers through her locks of soft brown hair, rejoicing in the familiarity of her scent.

Amelia smelled like home.

“Please, don’t leave me again.”

Her voice was so broken and her expression so desperate that Owen felt one tear rolling down his face too. She thought she had to convince him. Owen leaned over, kissing her forehead for long seconds, trying to assure her that he wasn’t going anywhere.

It was his first night back in the city. He had barely even gone to see his mother yet. His trailer was neglected, being locked for so long and he’d barely had any time to rest, spending nearly a day flying halfway across the world to come back. Everything in his life had been put on hold. His job, his house, his family.

But the only thing that would bring him any peace of mind tonight was being with the one who’d occupied his thoughts every day for the past nine months. And luckily for Owen, she didn’t seem to want to leave his arms any more than he wanted to let her go.

Using his thumb to wipe another stubborn tear from falling on her gorgeous face, Owen tenderly smiled at her, eager to comfort her in any way he could.

“Of course I will stay.”

#thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #omelia #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #greysanatomy #greys anatomy #omeliafanfiction #omeliafics #omeliafanfics #omeliaff #amenff

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jordan202 · 6 years

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Do you think you will create a new major story like MB or TJ ? I love your stories ! You're so talented !!

I dont know, I haven’t really thought about that! lol I like to follow up with whats canon so I have TJ which picks up before Owen and Amelia get married and the MB universe that goes forward after they are married. I’ve never written an AU series so who knows, maybe I will venture out of my comfort zone someday haha!

For now, my plans include to finish MBBH and then write the second season of the TJ :) From there on, I am open to suggestions. Thank you for the kind words!

#omelia #myboys #myboysfanfiction #thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction

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jordan202 · 7 years

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The Journey - Part Twenty One

Hey guys, we are back. Thank you @jia911 for proofreading this for me!

Previous chapters are HERE.

Timeline for Part 21

This chapter continues to explore what happened to Owen and Amelia during the events of 11x22, when he left to a war zone and Amelia stayed behind working at the hospital. We will go forward and find out what they were up to in those long months apart.

Author’s Notes: Kenan & Kel was a show I used to watch as a kid on Nickelodeon. I suppose most of you are not familiar with it. The scene in which Amelia remembers her dialogue with Owen is a part of chapter 12.

The Journey – Part Twenty One

“Did you bring it?”

Amelia sneakily closed the door after herself, taking a good look at the eager little face staring back at her with enormous chestnut eyes.

“Of course I brought it,” she revealed the bottle she’d been hiding in her white coat, watching with delight as a smile transformed the little girl’s face.

“Who loves Orange Soda?”

Amelia heard the quote as she passed by the patient, receiving a high five before she sat down on the wardroom chair and propped both her legs on the frame of the bed, crossing them at the ankles.

“Am I late?” The neurosurgeon asked while serving two plastic cups with the bubbly drink.

“No, you’re just in time,” the girl replied with enchantment in her eyes, accepting the cup at the same time she turned up the volume on the TV.

Amelia kicked back on the chair with a smile on her face and focused on the small screen hung on the wall opposite to the patient’s bed.

Jamie Donovan was an eight-year old girl with an aggravating case of cystic fibrosis. With a full time working mom who had to juggle two jobs in order to afford her daughter’s medical insurance, Jamie spent most of her time at the hospital undergoing treatment. Amelia had met the girl a couple of months before during a neurosurgical consult for a particularly complicated lumbar tap. And since Amelia hardly ever left the hospital, she had slowly found out that spending her nights in the company of the kid was actually more enjoyable than spending it on busy on call rooms that had to be shared among other surgeons who were working during the night.

Amelia had gone back on two consecutive days for follow ups with the adorable patient and quickly become attached. After finding out Jamie spent most of her time alone or only with the nurses, Amelia instantly felt compelled to provide the kid some company, but it didn’t take long for her to find out that she actually enjoyed those excursions more than she’d initially assumed.

Because of the side effects of some of her medication, Jamie’s sleep pattern wasn’t regulated, making the young patient often sleep throughout the day and stay up all night. Since Amelia had come down with a case of insomnia since her brother had died, it was actually entertaining for her to spend her free time with Jamie. The girl was easier to talk to than anyone else in Amelia’s life at the moment because unlike the adults, the kid never demanded any satisfactions or criticized Amelia’s behavior. On the contrary. Her conversations with the eight year old patient were often much more honest than the ones Amelia would have with her friends and co-workers throughout the entire day.

Just a few days before, even her favorite resident had offered to take Amelia on a support group for people who were grieving, and that made the neurosurgeon feel even more isolated and lonely. From there on, she’d have to tone down her jokes too, and the prospect of controlling her spontaneity was exhausting. She didn’t want to have to measure her words, or think about everything she wanted to say before actually speaking.

But with Jamie, none of that had to happen. Amelia could just be herself.

In a matter of days, it had become almost a ritual that Amelia joined the young patient in the late hours of the night to play board games, read the Harry Potter books or simply watch old children shows on TV. Jamie’s favorite, Kenan & Kel, had made the eight year old curious about the taste of orange soda, something she’d never tried before. Amelia had promptly stepped up to sneak the forbidden drink into the pediatric wing, but after Jamie had a severe fit of cough after laughing incessantly at the show, the neurosurgeon started to second-guess her decision.

“What are you doing, you little brat?” She belatedly realized. “Put your CPAP back on.” Amelia commanded, referring to the breathing device Jamie must have on at all times.

“It’s really annoying.” Jamie complained with a scowl.

“It makes you breathe a lot better, so end of discussion.” Amelia said with a firm but gentle tone.

“Fine…” Jamie sighed, knowing there was no counter argument. “Just wait until I get my new lungs, then I will run out of here so fast that you won’t be able to catch me.”

“I sure hope so.” Amelia’s eyes met Jamie’s and when they did, both smiled at each other.

Half an hour later, the show was over and Amelia frowned when Jamie asked to change channels as soon as a series about a teenage couple began.

“What, you don’t like this show?” Amelia asked tactfully, finding it strange. It was a typical silly school show with shallow, dreamy romance and more often than not, high pitched songs. It was obviously aimed at young girls and Jamie was exactly the target audience.

“I don’t like boys.” The unwilling patient said, rebelliously folding her arms on her chest.

“Oh, you don’t like boys?” Amelia teased, raising one eyebrow as she playfully added, “may I ask why?”

“Because all they do is play with their stupid toys or pretend they are superheroes and they never listen.” Jamie complained, making Amelia laugh. “And also, they need help for everything.”

“Surely not all boys are that bad?” The neurosurgeon asked with delight, without the faintest idea that one day, she would raise four boys who would perfectly fit Jamie’s description.

“The ones in my school are.” Jamie replied, still not convinced. Even though the girl had stopped going to classes a few months before when her condition had worsened, she still hoped to go back someday.

Amelia looked at the little girl with a mix of amusement and comprehension.

“Well, you see, the good thing is that even though boys seem horrible now, one day you’ll grow up and you won’t think so anymore.” The neurosurgeon gently explained. “I know they can be immature and annoying, but they can also grow up to be quite nice.”

Jamie squinted before staring at Amelia questioningly.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure.” The grownup smiled, thinking about how Derek would pick on her when they were younger and how later in life they’d become closer and actually shared things with each other.

“I don’t want a boyfriend, though.” Jamie decided.

“You don’t have to have a boyfriend if you don’t want to.” Amelia tried to contain a smile. Jamie would probably change her mind one day, but she was still at that age when boys and girls had constant feuds with one another and didn't mingle in any circumstances. “But boyfriends can be fun too.” She added, hoping to sound encouraging.

“I don’t see how.” Jamie replied with disbelief, giving Amelia a sideways glance, almost as if hoping her new friend would contradict her.

Amelia quickly picking up on the act and realized Jamie was much more interested in hearing what she had to say than she was letting it show. Decided to keep the light atmosphere, Amelia focused on her own surprising confession.

“Boyfriends can come in handy because they usually reach the higher shelves.” Amelia explained with a contagious smile, trying not to think about how, during the time they were together, Owen would often tease her by hiding the coffee pot in the top cabinet just so she would ask for his help in the morning. “And they give the best hugs, too.” Amelia daydreamed, being transported back to a time when she’d fall asleep feeling the safest she’d ever felt even when a strong storm would hit just because she was in Owen’s arms.

She tried to focus on Jamie instead of how much she missed those nights. Amelia couldn’t remember the last time she’d had quality sleep.

“It’s weird.” Jamie decided, completely rejecting the idea of being at good terms with boys.

“Sometimes it is,” Amelia smiled with patience, turning her eyes back to the TV. The young couple shouldn’t be more than sixteen and yet they were exchanging love vows and making promises of eternal love.

Jamie noticed how Amelia’s eyes captured the image on the TV and a smile lingered on her friend’s face.

“Do you love a boy?”

Amelia was caught completely off guard. She looked back to the little girl and tried to think of something to say to dodge the unexpected question but couldn’t. It was the first time in months that someone upfront asked Amelia about her feelings and the situation had become so unusual lately that she froze, unsure of how to react.

Her first instinct was to say no, but even though Amelia hadn’t exactly been allowing her feelings to blossom lately, she knew there was no point denying them. And she couldn’t lie. Not to Jamie.

“I do.” Amelia replied, feeling her eyes slightly tearing up. Deep down, she’d always known the answer, but actually voicing her feelings for the first time had an overwhelming effect on the surgeon. Her throat suddenly got constricted as she admitted with a hoarse voice, “very, very much.”

Amelia didn’t add the fact that the “boy” she loved was over six feet tall and had the prettiest pair of crystal blue eyes she had ever seen.

Jamie noticed the subtleties in Amelia’s reaction and her posture went from defensive to completely approving.

“Really?” She asked excitedly, eager to hear more. “Is he your boyfriend? Where is he?”

When Amelia realized she didn’t have answers to those questions, she realized it was time to call it a night.

“I think it’s past your bedtime, miss.” The neurosurgeon got up with a gentle smile, mysteriously walking over to the bed to help Jamie settle in.

“You didn’t answer my question.” Jamie replied with a begging face, obediently getting under the covers.

“Maybe some other time, ok?” Amelia said with a gentle voice. “I have to go get some rest now, but tomorrow I will be back and we can watch more Nick at Nite.”

“Will you stay for the Nicktoons tomorrow?” Jamie asked with a begging smile. “Please?”

“I’ll do my very best.” Amelia promised, blowing the girl a good night kiss before finally making her way to an on call room.

Owen finished setting up the last bags of everything they were collecting to take onto the next trip. He couldn’t believe he was going to the third mission in a row. Despite rewarding, the whole thing was also very exhausting.

Both he and April Kepner had once again extended their tours. At first, despite the physical toll the humanitarian missions were taking on them, they had kept their spirits high, driven by the instant positive response in the population they were helping. But as weeks followed, it became harder to face the cruel reality that the more people they helped, the more needed their help, or so it felt like.

The number of human beings living in unsanitary and poor conditions in that area of the world was heartbreaking. Being there and being able to help humbled Owen. He felt a reinvigorated sense of purpose and strived to do his best, to be better every day. Sometimes, a case slipped through their fingers and the team felt the helplessness associated with being in an improvised facility with a very precarious health care system. But in most days, Owen went back to his tent feeling like his presence and his work had made the entire difference and that filled him with joy and contentment after long hours of work.

But then he’d lay his head on the pillow and his thoughts would involuntarily shift to a familiar pair of silver blue eyes and a dimpled smile that even after all that time would still haunt his dreams nearly every night.

Owen would speak to his mother on the phone pretty much every week, and from Kepner he’d hear updates on how life was going on back in Seattle. Mostly, April gave him updates on Jackson, sometimes even on Alex and Arizona. But the only one Owen really wanted to know more about was hardly ever mentioned in his friend’s conversations. He wasn’t sure exactly where Amelia was right now, but he supposed she was already back home with her family. Owen only hoped that, wherever she was, the neurosurgeon was happy, safe and doing better than she was when he’d last seen her.

It was hard finishing a day of work and watching all the other guys and few women calling back home to their loved ones, hearing encouraging words from their spouses and sweet messages from their kids. All of that forced Owen to once again face the cruel reality that he would probably never get to have any of that.

“Are you ready to go?” His friend’s voice interrupted his thoughts, bringing the trauma surgeon back to the present moment.

“Yes,” Owen replied, staring deeply into her eyes. “April, are you sure you’re up for this?” He asked carefully. Owen had witnessed several times how heated the conversations between Kepner and her husband had become over the months and the fact April was extending her tour yet another time had surely added more friction to the already fragile marriage. “I mean, maybe you should go back home, see Jackson… you can always come back, you know.”

“I know, but I have to do this now.” April informed him with resolution. “I have to, Owen.” She lowered her voice a bit. “There are so many people who need us, much more than in Seattle, and I…”

As her voice trailed off, Owen gave her a discreet nod of understanding. He got her. Just like him, April had gone there because at home, her reality was as heartbreaking as some of the scenes they were witnessing. The only difference is that there, in mission, they could actively change that reality.

“Have you told Hill to hurry up and get that bag of syringes on the back of the truck?” April nodded her head in disapproval, walking up to the young army private who was also deployed in mission. “Hill, how many times do I have to tell you to be careful with the bag of…?”

Owen chuckled to himself, watching the scene from a distance. It was amazing how April had grown in those few months they’d been in the Middle East. The leader in her had finally been allowed to make an appearance, and his friend had come to find out she was actually good at it. It gave Owen joy to realize that and he smiled to himself, grabbing two loads and carrying them to truck before it became too dark for them to evacuate the area.

Amelia dragged her feet through the empty hospital corridor. The night was cold and a chilly air was blowing, making the neurosurgeon wrap her arms around herself, cursing the white coat for not being warmer. As it happened every holiday season, people tended to avoid going to the ER, unless they were really in need of it. And without a certain male head figure, the emergency room felt particularly empty.

It was nearly midnight and Amelia’s shift had ended five hours before, but she’d stayed at the hospital as usual. That night, she caught up on all her charts and did some research for a paper she intended to publish, but the holiday spirits seemed to have contaminated everyone around her, and Amelia couldn’t stand more than two hours at a cafeteria table hearing everyone around her making plans to be with their loved ones.

The neurosurgeon had finished her coffee, grabbed her journals and aimlessly walked around the hospital halls, deep down hoping for something to do to keep her busy. Amelia definitely didn’t want go back home. She knew that at some point she would have to because the laundry was piling up and she was pretty sure she hadn’t washed the dishes in about a week, but that night it had started to snow and something about the white fluffy flakes falling from the sky reminded her of home.

For a minute, Amelia’s heart felt a little less cold as she was assaulted by memories of a happy childhood when she would gather around a huge Christmas tree with her parents and four siblings, eagerly waiting for Santa to bring her presents. The memory was so distant and so deeply buried into the past that Amelia wondered if she’d really lived it or made it up. It just seemed completely unfathomable now, especially considering her present moment. Her remaining family members were all scattered around and Amelia had no idea if they were keeping the tradition of getting together for Christmas.

Months ago, Amelia had stopped answering her mother’s calls and that had resulted in Carolyn Shepherd showing up at Seattle to check on her daughter. It had taken Amelia a couple of days to convince the woman she was fine and ever since, Amelia had been forcing herself to call her family in New York at least a couple times of a week to avoid similar reactions. She’d found out that five minutes of shallow dialogue over the phone did the trick and conditioned herself to memorized every answer her mother and sisters approved of, mastering the art of speaking a lot of words without actually saying anything at all.

At work, it was mostly the same. At times, Richard Webber and Maggie Pierce would check up on her. It didn’t take Amelia long to figure out what they were doing and similarly to what she’d done with her family, the young surgeon forced herself to sit down for lunch with them every now and then as she mechanically smiled and told them everything the duo expected to hear. Amelia dutifully participated on every attendings meeting, eagerly oversaw and drafted residents’ evaluations and at times, had even volunteered to conduct the presentation of cases in her department’s weekly case discussions. It had quickly become very obvious that the more Amelia did and the more she engaged socially, the less people bothered her, because they would simply assume she was doing very well. That way, Amelia kept everyone happy while moving on with her life avoiding everything she could possibly feel and instead, focusing only on what was rational.

Soon enough, people had gone from worrying about her to actually admiring how tough and incredibly strong Derek Shepherd’s sister was to so gracefully be able to handle his loss and the disappearance of his wife and kids while succeeding at keeping her professionalism and the quality of her work. Most people had no idea about her attachment to the former chief of surgery, so Owen’s name was hardly ever mentioned to her, but in nights as slow as that one, Amelia couldn’t help but to think of him and wonder if he was alive and well.

When all talks, discussions and procedures were over, and every voice in her head had been silenced, it became increasingly harder to ignore the void left untouched inside her heart ever since the day he’d gone away to join the Army. Amelia missed him more than she would dare to acknowledge.

Her gaze fell upon the nurses station, where the patient files remained neatly organized over the counter. Before Amelia could control her thoughts, a flash memory came to mind.

“Are you done here?” Owen had whispered very close to her ear.

“Nearly.” Amelia replied, melting at his presence.

“You know where I’ll be.”

The memory faded together with the comforting feeling that had warmed Amelia’s heart as she thought about the excitement she’d once felt to go meet him. There had been a moment in her life when Amelia knew exactly which place Owen was or would be. But now, she had absolutely no idea where in the world he was, or what kind of things he was going through.

As much as Amelia tried to obliterate her every feeling, every now and then she’d hear someone asking Jackson about April and the neurosurgeon couldn’t deny the fact that hearing Kepner was okay gave her a sense of relief, because she knew that Jackson’s wife was working alongside Owen. As long as Kepner had good news to tell, that had to mean her colleague was alive and well and Amelia relied on those little snippets of information to maintain the remainders of her mental sanity.

She had to make a superhuman effort not to ask Jackson directly, or even figure out a way to get in touch with Owen. For a few times, Amelia had drafted emails that she’d never sent. It was better this way, the neurosurgeon always told herself. The least involved she got, the less she would suffer.

After deciding to leave the ER, Amelia made her way to the elevators, thinking about going to see Jamie. The little girl’s condition had worsened in the last couple of months as she caught one infection followed by another. Earlier that week, Jamie had been discharged from the PICU after two weeks of treatment for a complicated pneumonia, only to be readmitted four days later with high fever and low blood sats.

As much as Amelia tried to remain uninvolved with the case, it had become impossible not to get attached. She ran into Jamie’s mother outside the PICU, instantly asking for an update on the case. After waiting for a couple of hours to see the young patient, Amelia finally settled for going to an on call room, already foreseeing the many hours of insomnia she’d face before a new day began.

Owen patiently waited until everyone was deeply engaged in heartfelt conversations and swiftly sneaked outside. It was nearly Christmas morning and that night, almost everyone was enjoying a break from work. The trauma surgeon had watched as the large team of healthcare professionals and volunteers reminisced about the past, talked about their family or suggested traditions they’d usually do at their own homes over the holidays.

Usually, Christmas was a time of the year that Owen really enjoyed. He loved the spirit of solidarity and selflessness that seemed to take over people during the holidays. Just like magic, everyone became more attentive, generous and gentler. Over there in mission it was no different. Even though they were in a country with no Christmas traditions, most of the workers were clearing their heads enjoying the popular date, some of them having actually had a couple of drinks after dinner.

Owen left the main tent and rejoiced in the cold air outside. At the desert, the temperature could drop to a nearly negative at night, but he didn’t mind. A couple of soldiers who were on duty that evening greeted their official as Owen passed by them and walked to a safe distance, enjoying his solitude on a top of a rock where he could sit by himself while still keeping an eye on the makeshift camp.

Owen let out a heavy sigh, trying his hardest to control his mood. It was almost impossible not to feel a bit depressed in a night like that, but he had no choice other than to toughen it up and remain on top of his game. After all, he had an entire unit to run, people who were relying on him, and letting them down was not a possibility.

As his eyes meticulously scanned the field looking for something slightly suspicious, Owen slowly relaxed in the quietness of the evening. From a distance, he could hear the soothing sound of the wind blowing against the tents, creating an inviting atmosphere to celebrate the fact they were all alive, well and almost ready to finally wrap up that mission. A few days following New Year’s Eve, that mission would be over and most soldiers were going home. After nearly one year of being out in the field, Owen had finally decided to go back too. He was chronically tired and his soul was crushed after seeing so much pain and misery in the eyes of the civilians they’d helped over those long months. But what Owen really hoped to take back home with him was the sense of accomplishment of someone who’d done his duty very well and been able to help thousands of innocents with only the few resources they had.

As he thought about home, Owen wondered about his mom and realized he should take a few minutes to give her a call that night. It was Christmas, after all, and she would deeply appreciate hearing from him. As Owen made the decision to grab one of the stationed phones in a few minutes, his hand reached out for his pocket, grabbing a familiar folded photograph.

The trauma surgeon carefully opened it, seeing how worn out the picture was after so many months carefully kept inside his uniform. As usual, Amelia’s smile didn’t fail to dazzle him and Owen let out a heavy sigh. He thought about the evening in which she’d given him that picture, the way she’d met him at his place moments later and how they’d spent the night together. He’d had so many dreams back then. So much hope. And yet all had faded in a fraction of a second.

There hadn’t yet been a single night when Owen hadn’t spent long minutes thinking about her before finally falling asleep out of exhaustion. Every day he wondered how she was, if she was doing okay and the only thought that comforted his heart was that she was probably being well looked after by her mother and sisters.

But after a few months of deployment, Owen had casually heard Jackson including Amelia’s name as he told his wife about a surgery and that had made Owen wonder what exactly the neurosurgeon was up to. When he’d left, Owen had been sure she planned to go to New York, because Amelia herself had said so. But so many things had happened ever since, that he’d had no idea of what exactly was the situation in Seattle. If Amelia was operating, it could only mean she was somehow okay. It was hard not having any confirmation, but for now, even though it killed Owen, that comforting thought would have to be enough because he knew that in order to keep focused and doing his job well, it was better if he didn’t hear any details, or that could quickly escalate. As an experienced soldier, Owen had long ago learned that too much information could add an unwanted load of anxiety to his days, which would definitely compromise his ability to perform in duty.

But his time in the Army was soon to be over and Owen knew that once back at home, he wouldn’t be able to simply pick up where he’d left off. Too many things had happened in the past year, life changing events, and he knew that drowning in work once in Seattle wasn’t the solution. He wasn’t sure what exactly, but Owen knew he had to do something with his life. He’d spent the majority of the past months focusing on his job and the first thing he’d do once back home was to give his personal life a much needed new share of his attention.

“That your girl, Major?”

Owen looked up to the owner of the voice that had distracted his thoughts. His eyes found the broad smile of a nineteen year old who looked way too young to even be there.

Danny Hill was a skinny boy who was deployed in his first ever mission. The kid was as naïve as he was willing to learn and while most people quickly lost his patience with his eagerness, Owen found it amusing that a guy that young was actually willing to risk his life to serve his country.

He wondered if Hill had any idea of what he was signing up for when he’d first enlisted, but Owen supposed that probably not. No one really did. Not until they arrived there and saw it for themselves.

“What are you doing out here, Hill?” Owen gave him a polite grin, on purpose dodging the question. “I thought you were on post for the night.”

“Only until midnight, sir.” The boy cheerfully replied, taking a seat next to Owen while handing him a generous portion of chocolate chip cookies. “I brought this for you, Major.” Hill added considerately. “I saw you out here on your own and I thought you could use some comfort.”

Owen raised one eyebrow and thought it was probably better not to ask. But when he took the first bite and tasted the delicious flavor of the homemade goodies, his expression transformed. Before he could ask, Hill’s face lit up with a proud smile as he explained.

“Delicious, aren’t they? My girl Annie cooked them.” The eager nineteen year old grabbed a picture from his pocket and proudly flashed it at Owen. “She baked those for me and sent them because she knows they are my favorite.” The boy affectionately informed, looking from the picture to his official with enchantment in his eyes.

“She sounds like a catch.” Owen added with reluctant amusement, contaminated by the effusive joy in the young man’s words.

“Yeah, she is.” Danny Hill looked back the image of the smiling girl with a round face, shining eyes and a large white apron wrapped around her body. “She is studying to be a cook, you know? But not those fancy restaurant cooks, I am talking about a real cook, that makes all sorts of homemade stuff. You know, the kind you’d only find back at home in Indiana. She bakes the most delicious things, you wouldn’t believe it, sir.” He added with visible pride. The boy was so chatty that Owen thought if he just stayed there without saying a word, Danny Hill could probably go on all night. “You know, I asked Annie to marry me before I came here.” The boy held his head high and sat up expanding his chest. “And she said yes.” He added with unmistakable pride, talking as if he’d just achieved the world’s greatest accomplishment. “When I go back home to Indiana, I am going to marry her and we are going to live in a house that has a big porch. One of those wooden porches, you know, I am going to build it with my own hands.” He flashed Owen a smile. “And then someday when I am done building it, we are going to have our own family.”

Owen saw the effusive joy in the young man’s face and his amusement transformed into affection. Danny Hill was just a kid who was going through the hardest of times in a dangerous zone, and yet he could find happiness and a reason to smile in a world that was filled with viciousness and evil. Owen desperately hoped that boy kept his positivity, because the world needed more people like him. He only hoped the cruel reality of life didn’t corrupt him, because the way Hill spoke about his fiancé back home and the dreams he had for them made Owen root for his plans to work out.

“What about your girl, Major?” Danny asked, not discouraged by Owen’s sullen silence. “What does she do?”

Owen breathed in heavily. He knew the right thing was to tell Danny that Amelia was not his “girl”. Maybe she had been once, but not anymore. And he had no idea where exactly she was at the moment. But the idea of crushing the boy’s childlike dreams of happy endings after such a long mission went against everything Owen preached about group support. He knew that the promise of a happy ending was probably what kept the boy going and he just didn’t find it in himself to break such positive expectations.

“Hm…” Owen hesitated, unsure of what to say exactly. “Her name is Amelia. She is a doctor too.” He added, watching as Danny smiled with contentment, obviously pleased to be hearing the information. The boy’s face had a mix of appreciation and flattery to be having a one on one conversation with the male figure he’d come to look up to during those longs months in deployment. Danny kept staring at him, as if patiently waiting for Owen to give out more information. “I left her home in Seattle and I really, really hope that I will see her again when I go back.”

“It sucks to be gone this long, doesn’t it?” Danny said and Owen belatedly realized the boy was trying to comfort him, obviously assuming Owen was hurting too much to even talk about the woman he loved. The idea brought a smile to Owen’s face. “Don’t worry, sir, you’re going to see her in just a few days.”

“Yeah.” Owen replied with consternation, unwilling to contradict the kid, even if he wasn't the least bit sure.

“I can’t wait to go back to Indiana.” The boy resumed his chatter. “When I get there, first thing I’ll do is… Major! Look out!”

And then it happened so fast that Owen acted more out of instinct than anything else. After the first shot had been fired, he immediately jumped on Hill, knocking the boy on the ground as a group of rebels opened fire against their camp.

What had just seconds before been a party became a horror movie scene as the soldiers on post shot back against the insurgents that had for some reason attacked the Medicaid group. All the military personal inside the main tent quickly went out and before Owen could clear the scene, he felt something moist and warm staining his shirt.

And just like that, he knew.

“Hill!” he rolled over to the side, knowing the boy had been hit even before his eyes could see it. “Hill, talk to me!”

The kid’s large brown eyes were nearly invisible under the moonlight glow, but Owen could see the expression of panic in them as the teenager took his hand to his wounded abdomen and then to his face, spotting the red stains on his fingertips. His once blissful expression became a mask of sheer terror, and Owen easily lifted the skinny boy in his arms, sneaking out behind the barricades to safely access the inside of a medical tent in the opened camp.

Quickly enough, his trained team saw what had happened and in seconds, a gurney was brought over just as one of the nurses started to get a line on Hill’s arm while Owen assessed him. The gunshot wound to the abdomen had probably lacerated the patient’s liver and judging by the paleness in his face, the boy was losing too much blood, way too fast. Owen knew his condition required immediate intervention. Ignoring the gunshots being fired outside the tent, he looked up and saw Kepner at a close distant, holding her phone near while obviously being caught off guard by the rebels in the middle of a call.

“Kepner, we gotta pack up and bug out.” Owen said with authority, turning around to summon the anesthesiologist who was with their team. There was no time to be lost, if he didn’t act immediately, it was very likely the young man on the table would die. “Hill, look at me!” Owen commanded, staring deeply into the boy’s eyes with the intention to keep him conscious. “You’re going to be fine, okay? We are going to get you all fixed up, you hear me?”

“Major…” Danny Hill’s weak voice resonated in the room, and Owen had to lean over a little to be able to hear him. “Major, please…” The boy was nearly whispering. “You tell my girl that I love her, okay? You tell Annie that for me?” Danny’s eyes seemed to lose focus each second more, startling Owen. “Tell her that she doesn’t have to blame herself… That I did this for us…”

“No!” Owen held his hand and fiercely squeezed it, hoping with all his heart that Danny didn’t let go. “You’re going to tell her yourself, Hill…” Owen said with an authoritative voice, unable to believe that was actually happening. The life of a good, decent kid was on the line and Owen hadn't even properly processed how that had happened yet. But one thing he was sure of, Hill was not going to die on him. “You’re going back to Indiana and you’re telling her yourself.”

“I… I…” The boy’s face twitched in a scowl of pain when Kepner helped Owen cut his clothes and access his wound. The anesthesiologist was ready to put the patient under, but properly waited until the surgeon gave him the okay to do so. “Tell Annie I love her, sir… Please… You have to promise me.”

“You will tell her yourself, Hill.” Owen reinforced, too determinate not to let that boy go. Life was too fragile. It could end in a heartbeat. And it was too short to be wasted in stupid things like pride and fear. Perhaps making the most impulsive decision he’d made so far, Owen commanded. “We’re going to do it together, okay? You and me.” He tightened his grip on Hill’s hand, feeling the young man faintly squeeze his back in agreement. Encouraged by the positive reaction, Owen reinforced it. “We’ll both tell our girls when we get home, alright? Are you with me?”

“Promise?” Hill’s breath collided like vapor against the oxygen mask the anesthesiologist had put on his face. Instead of the determined eyes of an Army soldier, all Owen could see was the scared face of a terrorized nineteen year old boy. “Do you promise, Major?”

Owen knew the job very well. Medicine wasn’t an exact science. Doctors were trained to never make promises.

“I promise.” He held Hill’s hand and gave his colleagues a head nod, informing the anesthesiologist that he should begin the procedure.

For the following hour, Owen heard gunshot wounds outside but none of that mattered at the moment. It was Christmas and a young boy with a huge heart had his life hanging by a thread. He relied on Owen completely to save his life and the surgeon wasn’t letting go.

That kid couldn’t die. He deserved to live. He had to live.

And with that thought, Owen finally figured out that Danny Hill wasn’t the only one who needed the promise of a happy ending to endure the few days left until they finally went back home.

Back in Seattle, Amelia watched as everyone hoped for an early finish at work to go home spend Christmas Eve with their loved ones. Unsurprisingly, the neurosurgeon had volunteered to take the night shift at the hospital. Amelia finished the late rounds and sat by one of the stations, listening as a faint radio in the distance played Stevie Wonder’s Someday at Christmas.

The melody unconsciously added to Amelia’s depressed mood. It was the first time she was completely alone for the Holiday.

During every other day of the year, being on her own had been a welcome situation. But that night specifically carried too much meaning to be spent in such a depressing mood.

Alex Karev had organized a reunion to at least invoke what was left of a holiday spirit in the discouraged group of surgeons. Amelia initially hadn't planned on accepting the invitation, but on a second thought it looked more appealing than spending the evening alone at the hospital.

The neurosurgeon had just made up her mind to go see other people in a social event for the first time in an eternity when her phone started buzzing.

Noticing she was being paged by Pediatrics, Amelia immediately dropped her plans for the night and ran upstairs. The message didn't specifically say it, but Amelia was pretty sure what the pager was about.

Jamie.

Rushing into the PICU, she found the little girl’s mom moving around in panic as a team of doctors and nurses gathered around the bed.

“What’s going on?” Amelia frantically asked, but no answer was needed. As soon as her eyes fell on the patient, she watched as the eight year old’s body contorted in uncoordinated movements. “When did she start having seizures?” The neurosurgeon asked, making her way among the other professionals at the same time one of the doctors ordered another round of drugs.

“In the past ten minutes.” One of the attendings replied. “We rounded on her just a couple of hours ago and she didn’t have this periorbital edema or unilateral ptosis… she’s on day three of treatment for a sinus infection, but…” the PICU doctor looked as confused and taken aback as Amelia, and he was visibly distressed by the unseen complication. “Her liquor culture was negative, she had no neurological deficits, she couldn't possibly have evolved with meningitis and gotten this worse in just two hours, I…”

“Book an OR for me, now!” Amelia interrupted him as she asked one of the nurses, immediately focusing her attention back on the attending. She knew he was telling the truth because just that afternoon she’d seen Jamie too and despite her nasty infection, the girl wasn't presenting those critical conditions. Amelia quickly did the math and reluctantly spoke, hoping with every fiber of her being that her diagnosis didn't represent a death sentence. “It’s not acute meningitis. I think Jamie has a cavernous sinus septic thrombosis. I am going to confirm it with a head CT, but I am pretty sure.” Amelia declared after a quick physical exam, knowing the awful complication was the likeliest possibility under those circumstances.

“Dr. Shepherd!” Jamie’s mom came running behind them as Amelia and the PICU team rushed with the patient to radiology. ��What’s going on?” The desperation was visible in the mother’s eyes and the woman broke down crying, obviously worried sick about her daughter. “What’s happening to Jamie? Why… why is she having seizures?!”

Amelia felt her heart constricting and tried her best to remain as neutral as she could while speaking to the woman she’d inadvertently grown close to.

“Her intracranial pressure is too high, Mrs. Donovan. I need to take Jamie now to try to fix it before it’s too late.” Amelia explained feeling like she was being punched in the gut. “Her sinus infection formed a clot and it traveled to her brain. It’s compromising the blood flow. There is no time for anything, if I don’t do this now Jamie is not going to make it.” Amelia explained with sorrow in her voice.

“But… but…” The woman ran to catch up with them, lost for words. “Dr. Shepherd, please… Jamie is all I have. She is all I have.” The woman begged, watching as the team prepared the girl for the emergency CT. Grabbing Amelia’s elbow, Mrs. Donovan looked straight into the neurosurgeon’s eyes as she pleaded. “You have to save her. Please…” The woman broke down again, unable to control her emotions. “It’s my daughter… it’s my baby girl… Please…!”

The words hit Amelia harder than she anticipated. It was like once again a cold dagger was being buried into her heart. The neurosurgeon knew too well the pain of losing a child and she could relate to Jamie’s mom entirely.

A clot stuck in such a delicate portion of the brain most likely meant disastrous effects, including imminent death. Amelia had dealt with cases like that a few times in her career and nearly every patient had died from it. From what she’d just seen on the scans appearing on the screen, Jamie’s thrombosis was massive and it matched the way her symptoms had quickly progressed. The fact the girl had a severe underlying condition that compromised her oxygenation also didn't help.

But Amelia was determined to achieve the only outcome that mattered: keeping Jamie alive.

And the surgeon could only hope she was able to evacuate the area in time.

“I am going to do everything I can, Mrs. Donovan.” Amelia said with honesty, hoping for the best but expecting the very worst, feeling her heart break into a thousand pieces as she dodged the crying mother. “We have to go now.”

“But…”

“Now!” Amelia said, helping to push the gurney with a decisive tone.

Her entire system was on the verge of a collapse and Amelia knew that if she stopped to process what was happening, it was likely she would freak out. So instead, the neurosurgeon focused on the task ahead, keeping unusually calm because she knew the ultimate goal required every bit of her serenity.

That Christmas was already the worst one of her life.

And Amelia wasn’t about to let it get even worse.

---

who lives? who dies?

#omelia #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #greysanatomy #thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #owelia #omeliafics #omeliafanfics #omeliafanfic #omeliafic #greysanatomyfanfic

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jordan202 · 7 years

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The Journey - Chapter Twenty

Previous chapters are HERE.

Thank you @jia911 for your incredible help!

Timeline for Part 20:

This chapters has only “unseen” scenes. It covers some ground of the two hour episode 11x22, in which they show the fallout of Derek’s death. There is so much ground to explore and I think it’s extremely relevant for Omelia’s story to know what exactly happened to them, individually and together, right after Derek died.

Author’s note: This chapter is rather long, I know I historically write long chapters but this one is longer than the average. Since you guys have pointed out many times that it’s not an issue, I went for it not to lose any of the content! I hope you all enjoy :)

The Journey – Part Twenty

The indistinct sound of conversations on the back distracted Owen as he put on a mask to cover his face while stepping into OR two.

“Do you know how much longer you’re going to be?”

His voice sounded serious and formal as he asked, but his eyes were warm and filled with concern as Owen looked at the young neurosurgeon who looked completely immersed in the work she was doing.

“I don’t know.” Amelia replied evasively, not bothering to look at him.

Owen took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, trying to control his frustration with the situation. Three days before, they’d been hit with the shattering news that Derek had died. And ever since, he hadn’t seen Amelia leave the hospital as she kept on pretty much covering her shifts and her brother’s while overseeing the ER cases the entire time. The chief of surgery knew it was her way of avoiding dealing with what had happened but he supposed Amelia couldn’t carry on that rhythm for much longer. At some point, she would have to slow down, go home and actually face the devastating loss.

After a few seconds of hesitation, Owen finally opened his mouth to say what he’d gone there to say.

“You’re going to be late for the funeral.”

The trauma surgeon patiently waited for her reaction, supposing that the obvious mention of what had happened would somehow affect Amelia and get her out of that numb state she’d drowned in. But not even the direct reference to Derek really being gone seemed to affect the woman.

Amelia hoped with all her energy that Owen would simply go and leave her alone. She didn’t want to hear about her brother’s funeral. The thought of facing her mother, sisters and brothers in law, and seeing the look of grief and sympathy on their faces gave her a nauseating wave of contempt. It would simply be better for everyone if she could stay at the hospital, helping people who could actually benefit from her presence.

“Derek is already dead.” Amelia replied acidly. “He won’t mind if I am late.”

At the sound of her words, the entire surgical team brought up their eyes and the neurosurgeon noticed the alarmed look on their faces. Forcing a chuckle, she gazed at each one before finally focusing back on the field.

“Gee, I was only trying to light up the mood a bit.” Amelia nervously bit her lip behind the mask. The last thing she wanted was to have people gossiping about her and her reaction behind her back. So Amelia knew she had to tone down the jokes before people started talking about it. Forcing herself to look at the man who still stood a few feet away from her, looking obviously concerned, she decided to do what was expected of her to avoid being at the spotlight. “I won’t be long. I’ll be there as soon as I’m done here.”

“I’ll wait for you.” Owen said with a decisive tone, gazing at her with an expression that didn’t leave room for denial.

“There is no need to, I can simply…”

“I wasn’t asking.” Owen informed her with authority and before she could refute, he stepped out of the OR, going to the adjoined scrub room in which she could see his presence.

Amelia let out a heavy sigh of frustration once she realized what he was doing. From where he was standing, Owen could not only oversee her work and therefore pressure her to take exactly her time and not drag the procedure on purpose, he also made sure she knew she couldn’t escape so easily and make up an excuse to disappear.

One hour later, the neurosurgeon was fuming in frustration as she was pretty much forced to put on black clothes and be driven somewhere she really didn’t wish to be.

Amelia really didn’t care about funerals anymore. She’d been to so many that they simply didn’t affect her as much as they seemed to affect other people. In her opinion, they were a complete waste of time. But if she didn’t attend it, it would only raise questions and put more people on her back, so Amelia decided to cooperate.

As Owen drove through the streets, she remained determinate not to look at him. Amelia knew that by being her boss, Owen could at any point force her to step back from work and that was the last thing she wanted at that moment.

“You okay?” His voice sounded sweet and caring as he stopped at a red light. Amelia could feel his gaze on her back but she kept stubbornly gazing outside through her window. “How are you holding up?”

Owen waited for her reply but no words were spoken. He nodded his head in denial, trying to keep his patience. She was being more difficult than ever but he couldn’t judge. Amelia was probably going through one of the worst moments in her life and the whole acting out was her way of dealing with it.

“I am going to take that as you letting me know you’re too tired to even speak.” Owen said with a decisive tone, knowing he was disguising a threat. “I think it’s only wise if you cut back some OR hours and take some time to properly grieve your brother.”

Amelia immediately picked up on what he was saying and felt a wave of wrath taking over her body. Turning around impatiently, she looked at him with fury in her eyes.

“Look, you can make me come here but you can’t force me to talk, okay?” She informed him with an angry tone. “I don’t want to talk, especially not to you.” Amelia fired, being mean on purpose in the hopes he would be upset to the point of leaving her alone. “So back the hell off.”

Owen stared into her eyes and with all serenity in the world.

“Okay.”

The way he’d spoken the word, as if doubting everything she had just said drove Amelia mad with anger. Luckily for her, he was just parking the car in the cemetery, so she responded to his condescending manners by immediately jumping out of his truck and slamming the door behind her on purpose.

Owen knew she was hurting and the way she was trying to push him away by being nasty was so obvious that it was almost comedic. If the entire situation weren’t so devastatingly painful, maybe he would find it in his heart to smile. But that wasn’t the case. So he simply locked the car as if her tantrum hadn’t happened and acted normally as he easily caught up with her.

Amelia knew she shouldn’t be surprised when he stubbornly walked beside her, at a minimum distance. Owen looked very serious with his dark suit and tie and his properly shaved face. She felt and looked like a mess and it irritated her the fact that he was always so appropriate all the goddamn time.

Swallowing the mean words she wanted to say, Amelia forced her chin up and slowly identified the familiar faces that agglomerated around the gravesite. A man in dark clothes who had probably never even exchanged two words with her brother was giving a big, emotional speech and Amelia hated every single person she saw at that moment.

She hated their tears, their mundane and cliché responses, the way they would quietly whisper in each other’s ears and say empty words of comfort that felt more like a rehearsed speech than anything genuine at all.

Some of those people were the same ones who’d antagonized Derek at the hospital several times before and yet they all stood there, acting like they had any right to grieve his death. Her lips pulled back in a thin line as Amelia scanned around her, meeting her mother’s gaze across the yard.

The neurosurgeon quickly looked away and her reaction didn’t go unnoticed to Owen. He stared at her, studying her expression, noticing how almost bored she looked with her arms crossed in front of her body, exhaling heavily every ten seconds.

“Amelia,” Owen whispered, reaching out for her. He spotted her mother and three women standing behind her who looked so much like the neurosurgeon and Derek that Owen was sure could only be the duo’s other siblings. “Your entire family is there, maybe you should go be with them?” He proposed, gently placing his open palm on the small of her back.

Amelia took a step to the side, rejecting his touch. After folding her arms in clear defiance to the entire thing, she twitched her nose and scoffed with pretend indifference.

“Look, your ex-wife is there too.” She rolled her eyes with impatience. “Right over there with Meredith. Why don’t you go be with them?” The neurosurgeon repeated his words on purpose.

Owen knew she was trying to make him lose his head in the hopes he’d leave her alone but he refused to cave. Minutes went by when they stayed immersed in silence, with only the words of the spokesman at a distance.

“This whole thing is a circus…”

Owen turned his head to the side, surprised at the nearly inaudible words Amelia had whispered. When she realized she had his attention, Amelia continued:

“Isn’t it incredibly ironic that my mom, my sisters and I weren’t allowed to say goodbye to my brother when we could have and yet now we’re expected to be here?” She asked with a shadow of pain, anger and hurt in her sarcastic tone. Owen noticed how tightened her eyes were as she discreetly sneered, directly gazing at Meredith. “I was only at a phone call distance but I was robbed from the possibility of saying goodbye.” Amelia declared with wrath. “But now I have to do it. Because today is the day someone else set this whole thing allowing me to do it.” She paused, drowning in controlled anger, resenting the facts she was exposing. “I couldn’t do it before. It wasn’t convenient for her. But now I have to. Because someone else decided for me that this is how I should grieve my brother.”

Owen noticed her eyes staring at her sister in law as she slowly spoke the words, clearly containing the fury in them for the sake of not making a scene. It was then that Owen realized how angry Amelia was feeling, and with every right to. It made sense now where all that anger and even some rebelliousness were coming from. It really wasn’t fair the way things had been handled, and how Meredith had acted like she was the only one entitled to deciding anything about Derek. Especially when she’d been with him long enough to know how close he felt to his family and how they would have liked to participate in the process once it became clear decisions had to be made about his health status.

Derek had died from a brain injury and his own sister who was a neurosurgeon and lived at a few minutes away had only been informed after he’d been hooked out of the machines. Nothing about that was fair.

He was just thinking of what to say to comfort her when Amelia’s voice broke the silence, again in a whisper.

“You know, she robbed me of the choice to say goodbye to him while he was still alive and now I am being forced to do it when he’s dead.” Amelia finally turned her head in Owen’s direction and looked deeply into his eyes. “And I wish I hadn’t come.”

“You don’t really mean that.” Owen whispered back gently. “You’d look back to this moment in a few months or years and you’d regret not coming.”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Amelia affirmed with conviction. She paused momentarily before explaining herself. “Goodbyes are just not my thing, Owen…” Amelia nodded her head in denial almost imperceptibly. “You know, I’ve come to find out that it’s actually easier this way.” She added and Owen noticed the expressionless movement of her silver blue eyes. “It’s what happens in real life. Goodbyes are for movies,” she added with contempt, “because in real life, people die or leave or get killed… You wake up one morning and the people you loved simply aren’t there anymore.” As she spoke the words, Owen saw through her seemingly unaffected ways and wondered how much exactly Amelia had gone through in her life already. She was still too young to have such a hard lived opinion on things and yet it was obvious in her speech she had been through enough to have created a thicker skin in order to survive. “That’s the way to go. Nice and easy.”

Owen remained in silence, processing the meaning of her words. He felt an addition of sympathy and urged to touch her, but he’d already seen what’d happened the last time he’d tried.

“Nothing about this is nice and easy.” He replied, in a firm but gentle tone. Amelia couldn’t keep acting like her brother’s death was no big deal because at some point, it would all catch up with her and he knew it.

“Yeah.” Amelia finally agreed with him. “For most people I guess it isn’t.” She suggestively looked around, pretty much implying that she agreed with him when it came to others but not to herself.

Owen took a deep breath and realized that once again he was out of words. Opting to remain in silence and show his support by simply being there, the trauma surgeon put his hands in his pants pockets and heard the rest of the speech about Derek, trying to process the fact that his friend was gone for good.

Right after the funeral, a service was held in Meredith’s house and from a distance, Owen kept his eyes on Amelia, noticing the way her mother and sisters talked amongst themselves, at times including her in the conversation. All the while, the neurosurgeon seemed determinate not to cooperate with the dialogue, looking every bit as if she really didn’t want to be there. A lot of people were taking the opportunity to talk about Derek and share stories about him, but Owen couldn’t focus enough to have a two minute conversation, so he settled for standing in a corner, holding a forgotten glass of whisky in his hand while he observed the room around him.

“Hey.”

Owen heard the familiar voice and turned his head, seeing a discreet grin on the face of his ex-wife.

“Hi,” He returned her halfhearted smile and raised his glass to his lips, taking a sip of the burning amber liquid in the hopes it would distract him from Amelia’s demeanor. “It’s good to see you made it in such short notice.” Owen commented, realizing by the look on her face that Cristina was doing well. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Cristina nodded and studied his expression. “You?”

Owen shrugged with indifference and looked away, spotting Meredith sitting alone on the living room couch.

“How is she doing?” He asked, concerned. His attention had been mostly on Amelia lately, so Owen didn’t really know much about how exactly Meredith was coping. And he didn’t feel at all guilty about it. Derek’s widow had Alex, Webber, Maggie and now even Cristina while his youngest sister had barely any support system. But regardless of that, no one’s wellbeing mattered to him more than Amelia’s at that moment.

“Exactly like that.” Cristina replied with a conformed face, studying her friend’s desolated expression from the same point of view as Owen.

“How long are you staying?” Owen asked without really paying much attention. Once again he brought the glass of whisky to his lips and took a sip to hide the fact that his gaze went back to Amelia as he noticed her worked up expression getting heavier by the second as her mother heatedly spoke to her, apparently insisting on something. Their voices were slowly raising amongst the crowd and the conversation had apparently become a discussion.

“A couple of days.” Cristina replied with her eyes still fixated on Meredith. “I’ll make sure she…”

The thoracic surgeon’s words were interrupted when, by one corner, Amelia’s voice shouted out loud at the same time she pulled her hand from her mother’s grasp. Owen had been watching the scene from a distance, but as the young woman’s rampant words broke the sullen silence in the room, all eyes were suddenly on her.

The minute she felt the heavy gazes in her direction, Amelia quit talking. She kept on proudly staring at everyone, but Owen couldn’t be fooled. He knew her too well and could see she was mortified. As people slowly diverted their attention and went back to their private conversations, the murmurs in the room filled the air again.

“Excuse me,” Owen cleared his throat and placed his glass on the coffee table, leaning forward to give his ex-wife a chaste hug before looking into her eyes. “It was good seeing you.” He distractedly added before nodding his head, clearly ending the brief conversation.

Cristina went back to Meredith’s presence while he made his way across the room, catching up with Amelia before she could leave through the back door.

Owen noticed the way she was pacing back and forth, as if struggling to control her temper. Amelia looked livid, at some point even offended. After the scene he’d just witnessed, Owen knew it definitely had something to do with her family.

“What is it?” He asked leaning on the corridor wall, watching as she had a hard time staying still.

Amelia looked at him and the floor again, biting her lower lip. Owen noticed as she hesitated before finally deciding to talk.

“My mother is insisting that I go back to New York with her.” The neurosurgeon explained, apparently dreading the idea.

“What did she say?” Owen asked carefully, thinking back about how Amelia had shouted a loud no before pulling her hand from her mother’s just a few minutes before.

“She thinks I’m five years old and can’t take care of myself.” The neurosurgeon explained, rolling her eyes.

Owen pondered about the idea. Perhaps it wasn’t such a bad suggestion, after all. In New York, he knew Amelia would have her mother and sisters close by, and he figured it was probably better for her to get through the loss all the while maintaining her sobriety if she had a strong support system. But at the same time, the idea to see her go devastated him because Owen knew that if she went, it was likely they’d never see each other again.

“What about your friends in Los Angeles?” He asked with interest. A few times before he’d heard Amelia talking about them and it had become clear how close to them she felt. Amelia had lived in the city once, she clearly felt comfortable there. And Los Angeles was much closer than New York.

“Addison called three times just this morning.” Amelia admitted with a broken voice. Derek’s ex-wife couldn’t make it to the funeral but she was checking up on her friend all the time, all the while insisting that the neurosurgeon considered moving back to LA.

But Amelia knew she couldn’t. It would feel like taking a step back in life and there was only one direction she would go: Forward.

“You know you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, right?” Owen forced eye contact with her, watching as she sheepishly agreed with a head nod as her lower lip trembled. If Amelia decided to move, he wasn’t going to try to convince her otherwise, but if she chose to stay, he was going to make sure she had all the support she needed. “Whatever you decide to do.”

Amelia had been silently staring at her shoes, but the meaning of his words transformed some of her anger into humbling gratitude. Somehow, she managed to meet his eyes despite her resolve not to cry.

“Yeah…” Her voice sounded more hoarse than she had planned.

Amelia knew she’d just let her guard down and how exactly dangerous that could be. Seeing her mother and sisters had deeply messed with her because the young surgeon was once again reminded of how no one in that family took her seriously. Carolyn Shepherd kept trying to convince her daughter to go back home and move in with her while her three sisters nodded in agreement to their mother, looking at the youngest sibling as if she was a ticking bomb ready to explode at any minute.

“People don’t really know how to grieve in my family.” Amelia offered some insight. She chuckled with refusal when she realized how ironic her sentence sounded, considering she could be included in it. When her father had died years before, her family’s way of coping had mostly been ignoring the subject. Amelia wasn’t sure she could go back to New York and rebuild her life there having to look at her mom and sisters in the eye without being able to talk about Derek. “Besides, I can’t go.” She stiffed up her lip and look at him with renewed pride, once again wearing her mask of self-protection. “I signed a contract with you. I can’t just leave my job.”

“Amelia, if you want to go, I can…”

“I gave you my word, so I am going to keep it.” Amelia interrupted him, noticing Owen was about to offer her a way out. “I have patients, I have work to do. I can’t go.” She spoke decisively. “I don’t want to go.” She enforced, making sure the matter was settled.

“Okay, then.” Owen stared at her with sympathy in his eyes, nodding gently.

He wondered how things were going to be from there on, hoping with all his heart that this slight display of emotion would stimulate Amelia to open up and finally allow herself to feel what she needed to feel.

But as days followed, he realized how wrong he was.

Everything around him seemed to be falling apart and Owen had no idea how to keep things from crumbling. His surgical service was still running smoothly, but he felt his attendings unmotivated and restless. Everyone just seemed miserable and hopeless, and understandably so.

Amelia was still avoiding him at every chance she could. A few times at night, Owen had stayed up late at his trailer hoping she would return home so he could check up on her, but the neurosurgeon would often sleep at the hospital, even when she wasn’t on call. He wasn’t sure how exactly she and Meredith were managing at the house and with the kids until one day, a couple of weeks after the funeral, he was caught off guard with the news that Derek’s widow had taken the kids and left.

Soon enough, Owen joined Callie, Maggie and Alex at the house, watching as the three surgeons discussed what could possibly have happened to make Meredith decide to leave so randomly, but he was barely paying attention to the conversation. Instead, he had his eyes focused on Amelia and the look of boredom on her face as the other doctors expressed their concern.

Amelia distanced herself from the group, wondering why they even bothered to try to understand Meredith’s actions when Richard Webber approached her, kindly offering to take her to a meeting that day. Amelia was aware she had been neglecting that important part of her treatment lately but she supposed that while she kept busy with work, she wouldn’t have to worry about a relapse.

As everyone else got more worked up about Meredith’s sudden disappearance, Amelia distracted herself with a glass of water. Her sister in law had left a note affirming she was okay so Amelia wasn’t really worried. Not that the neurosurgeon felt a lot of things lately, anyway. It was more practical to stay on the sidelines and watch as everyone gave room to their concerns because the less involved she got, the better it was for her on the long run.

And there was also the fact Meredith had simply taken the kids and vanished without even bothering to tell Amelia first. They lived together and the neurosurgeon was there every day helping with the kids, getting them prepped to school and making sure they had someone to talk to about their dad in those dark days that followed his death. At five years old, Amelia had lost her dad too so she could relate to the situation completely, especially in regards to Zola. Back then, no one had explained anything to her, all the adults had simply ignored the fact and gone on as if nothing in the world had changed. Their decision had slowly made Amelia’s world crumble because as a kid, she’d never been able to figure out why her dad was there one day and then suddenly wasn’t. That had given her insecurity and then anxiety. And the last thing she wanted was for her niece and nephew to go through the same. So Amelia had made sure to let them talk about Derek and ask for him as much as they wanted in order for them to grieve their immense loss.

But now they too had been taken away for her too so Amelia wasn’t much inclined to worry about Meredith at that moment.

As he sat on the couch, Owen figured out he also wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation around him. Instead, he was trying to make sense of Amelia. The way she had physically distanced herself from the group perfectly exemplified her behavior in the past few weeks.

The unknown side of Amelia filled Owen’s heart with sadness and once again he felt powerless. The woman he’d fallen in love with was warm, affectionate and generally selfless. He could recall the many times Amelia had considerately put other people’s feelings above her own, even when she shouldn’t have to. He’d watched her and come to know her, so deep down Owen knew the way she was acting was just a bad response to the horrifying reality they were in. But it didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Her eyes that were usually overflowing with warmth and liveliness now would always look distant and cold. The previously caring words she would reserve for him had been replaced by a sullen silence that only increased the emptiness in which Amelia had put herself in. Owen watched as every day she drowned further in it, hating that he was so helpless when it came to pulling her back from there, despite his constant attempts.

All he’d been trying to do since Derek’s death was talk to her, but Amelia refused to make time for him. She ignored his calls, avoided his presence and only spoke to him about strictly professional subjects. Owen understood the pain she was in, but he was a person with feelings of his own too, and at some point, there would only be so much he could tolerate. Watching her repeatedly ignore him hurt on him too, because all he wished was to be there for her.

That evening, after Webber and Bailey left, it didn’t take long for Callie, Alex and Maggie to follow, leaving Owen alone in the house with Amelia for the first time in a long time.

He’d stayed behind on purpose, hoping for one last attempt at talking to her and actually succeeding at getting through to her somehow. This time, Amelia couldn’t turn her back on him with some lame work excuse or hide in a busy OR to pass her time. And judging by the way she was getting more restless by the second, it seemed like she’d just reached the same conclusion.

“It’s good to see you’ve finally come home.” Owen started the conversation, slowly getting up from the couch but keeping his distance. “I honestly have not been able to keep track of how many nights you’ve spent at the hospital lately.”

“Well, I am filling in for my brother.” Amelia defensively replied. “We’re one attending short in the department so it’s to be expected that as the one in charge I am taking his shifts.”

“Amelia,” Owen tried to be careful with his words. “You know you can hire someone. Or I can do it for you,” he suggested, supposing it would be hard for her to interview people who might take her brother’s position. “HR has already approved my request for a new attending.”

“It’s too soon.” The neurosurgeon turned her back on him and opened the fridge, aimlessly avoiding Owen’s gaze. “We can manage for now, don’t worry.”

Owen breathed out through his nose and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to come up with what to say.

“Have you been in contact with your mom?” He asked with worry, hoping that since she wasn’t talking to him, that she at least was leaning on her own family for comfort. After all, they’d just gone through the same loss and probably could relate a lot better to her predicament. “Your sisters, anyone?”

“I am okay, Owen.” Amelia grabbed an apple from the fridge and turned around with a decisive posture, hoping he would back off. Truth was, her mother, sisters and even Addison were calling several times a day. But Amelia mostly chose not to answer them. “And yes, I have been in touch with them.”

“Is your mom still insisting on having you move there?” He asked, trying to hide how interested in the answer he was.

“Yes.” Amelia replied with honesty, not giving any more details. Her mother would often call and insist her youngest daughter went there to spend at least some time with the family, but that was the last thing Amelia planned on doing. Over there, she knew her mom and sisters would constantly be on her back, pretty much in the same way Owen was right now. And Amelia simply couldn’t handle it at the moment. “You know, I don’t know how to say this, so I think I better just say it… I would really appreciate it if you could give me some space.” She added with a serious tone.

Owen swallowed hard, taking in another blow. That little dance they were doing was getting a bit exhausting and he couldn’t help but feel like he was at a serious risk to maybe join her in that numbing emptiness if he didn’t properly watch out for himself.

Work didn’t excite him anymore and the once comfortable atmosphere at the hospital had transformed into a painful experience during the daily hours Owen spent there. All he wanted was to feel useful and have some purpose in life. A few months before, he’d felt as lost and confused as he did today, but slowly he’d regained control of his life. In parallel to that, he’d met Amelia and she’d added a whole new meaning to his routine. During all the time he spent with her, Owen had felt energized, challenged and absolutely hopeful for better days.

But now, as he watched that fragile reality slowly slipping through his fingers, it was hard to maintain some kind of expectancy for a happy future. Especially when his past and present did nothing but fire a new blow day after day.

“Amelia, you know you can’t keep doing this for much longer.” Owen tried to be as gentle as possible when he warned her. Soon enough, she would drive herself to exhaustion and that could backfire. Amelia could potentially compromise patient care if she operated or made any medical decisions while working too many hours, or even reach a point when her mind wouldn’t take it anymore, falling at risk for a relapse. “At some point, you are going to have to deal with what happened.”

“Don’t… Really, Owen… Spare me of the talk. I told you I’m fine.” She shook her head in denial, rejecting his concern and Owen kept studying her, noticing her face transforming as her impatience turned into anger. “You know, I am sick and tired of everyone running around, talking to me like they know better, but guess what?” She took a step in his direction, so blinded by pain that she couldn’t see how much she was hurting him by speaking like that. “I’ve done this before, I don’t need your lectures or that cheap talk about how I need to deal with what happened.” She repeated his words with sarcasm, obviously turning down the idea. “I don’t have to stand here and listen to all this crap about how I should feel, or what I should do, or who I should call…” She fired, getting more worked up by the second. A lifetime of frustration caught up with her and Amelia couldn’t take it any longer. “No matter what I do, or how I pull myself back together, in the eyes of you people it’s never going to be enough anyway, so just cut the crap and save your precious little speech for someone who is actually interested in hearing it.”

As she spoke the words, Amelia once again turned her back on him, too angry to put up with his comprehensive face any longer. All her life, her family had judged her for the way she’d reacted to every situation. When her father had died, they made the decision of how she should deal with it, and chose to obliterate the event rather than talk about it. Later on, as things got progressively worse until Amelia finally resorted to taking drugs, they’d repeatedly made her feel weak and unworthy for it. Over the years, she’d finally come to master the Shepherd’s way of dealing with things by simply burying them and pretending they weren’t there. So she definitely wasn’t going to just stand in that room and hear all about how she was wrong this time around too. Because it felt like no matter what she did, to the people she loved, she was never going to be enough.

Taking it from her family was already hard enough. Hearing it from Owen, of all people, felt even worse. Because before he’d never tried to change anything about her or made her feel judged for being exactly who she was. And even though they weren’t together anymore, Amelia secretly hoped that in his eyes, what he thought about her wouldn’t change.

“Okay.” Owen replied with a serious tone. Amelia noticed his clenched jaw and the way his fist was slightly tense, giving away how hurt he must have been feeling at her angry outburst. But at that moment, all Amelia cared about was distancing herself from him because she knew that if Owen kept insisting, at some point his stubbornness would win her over and she was at serious risk for actually coming to rely on him again. “You clearly know where you stand.”

“Yes.”

“Good.” Owen finally decided to drop the matter and picked up his jacket with every intention to leave.

Amelia watched as his previously warm, worried look transformed into a scowl of indifference. He was just approaching the door when she felt compelled to add.

“I… I really appreciate it that you’re concerned about me.” The neurosurgeon spoke, hating that they were parting in bad terms.

“Yeah,” Owen replied with sarcasm, thinking of how she’d just reject his support seconds before. “But you don’t really need it, do you?”

“I really don’t.” Amelia answered, feeling her heart shattering in a thousand pieces. She put on her coldest look and heard how impersonal her voice sounded as she spoke the words. “Maybe I should for once listen to my mother and go back to New York.” Amelia said, more to defy him and make sure he moved on with his life to be free from her than because she really planned on going. The neurosurgeon put her chin up as she proudly added with a mask of indifference, “there is nothing for me here, anyway.”

Owen felt the weight of the words and gave her one last look of disapproval before disappearing into the night as he made his way to his trailer. Amelia had just given him reason to believe she really preferred he stayed out of her life in every possible way. And after that evening, that was exactly what he was going to do.

“I guess there really isn’t.”

That evening, Amelia sat on the windowsill of her room, pondering as a million thoughts ran through her head.

The sky outside was as dark and cloudy as her life at that moment. The lights inside Owen’s trailer were turned off and Amelia couldn’t help wondering if after that nightmare of a day, he had gone to bed already.

Little did she know that at that exact moment, Owen was running into a friend at the bar near the hospital where he’d gone to drink as many beers as it took to clear his head. And as Owen heard more about the humanitarian work the ex Ranger had been doing in the field with the US Army, the more interested he got into embarking on an entirely different perspective.

During the following days, the more Owen thought about it, the more the idea seduced him. Had his friend told him about this tour before, he wouldn’t even have considered it because of Amelia. But now, after she’d made it obvious she had no interest in having him in her life and had even said she planned to go back to New York, there really wasn’t any reason why he shouldn’t go.

Owen could use feeling helpful and needed. He was so busy trying to take care of everyone else around him that the trauma surgeon failed to see he was also grieving and reacting to it. And at that moment, saying yes to that opportunity felt like the only thing that could give him some purpose again.

In the course of a week, Owen reenlisted in the Army, this time signing up for a USAID team who coordinated both civilian and military personnel by taking medical services to areas where healthcare was precarious or unavailable. It didn’t take a lot of convincing for April Kepner to join him and things progressed so fast that Owen barely had any time to catch up with the pace of change.

Ever since Derek had died, board meetings were on hold, so it wasn’t hard for Owen to hand over his position to Richard Webber, who would be taking over as interim chief in his absence. On the day of his deployment, the trauma surgeon finished storing all his personal belongings inside the trailer while packing.

As Owen zipped his transport bag, he took one last look around, checking if he hadn’t missed anything. He was leaving a lot of memories behind and it was sad how at that moment it gave him more a sense of relief than actually nostalgia.

But as his eyes scanned the room, a small photograph inside his nightstand book caught his attention and Owen went back for it, safely placing it with the few items he was taking.

“You please sign here, and here,” A short, middle aged secretary instructed Owen as he finished filling in the paperwork that would officially release him of his contract with Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital for the following months. “Alright, that’s everything, you’re good to go.” The woman added with a smile, thinking how admirable it was that the chief of surgery was letting go of his prestigious position to join the Army for a noble cause.

“Thank you.” Owen replied with a discreet nod. Just as the woman was exiting the room, he cleared his throat in an attempt to catch her attention. “Could you please get Dr. Amelia Shepherd in here? I need her to look over some paperwork before I go.”

The woman happily obliged and Owen took a seat on his desk for what he knew would be the last time. At least for a while.

He had lied to the hospital employee. There really wasn’t any paperwork to be filled or signed on by Amelia. Maybe soon there would, when she resigned to go back home. Ever since the conversation in Derek’s house the night Meredith had disappeared, Owen hadn’t talked to her again and even though he’d decided to give her the space she had requested, it hurt to think that this was probably the last time he was ever going to see her.

In a few, Owen would be getting on an airplane to the Middle East, where he would stay for at least three months. By the time he was back, it was very likely Amelia had already left to New York and he simply couldn’t deal with the fact this really was goodbye.

For the following hour, Owen sat and waited. His heart felt constricted inside his chest as memories assaulted him. This was one of the hardest decisions he’d ever made, but after weeks of walking around in circles, he knew that the time had come for him to look after himself.

A knock on his door distracted his thoughts, and his heart skipped a beat when Owen’s expectation to see Amelia grew. But as Richard Webber walked in, a look of disappointment was visible on the trauma surgeon’s face.

“Sad to be leaving?” The older man asked with a sympathetic tone. Richard was going back to the office that had been his for many years, and even though he hadn’t planned to be chief ever again, he’d agreed to do it because Owen Hunt really deserved that break.

“Not really.” Owen looked around, exhaling slowly. It was almost time to go, but he was still hopeful Amelia would come upstairs before he had to leave. “Is everything good? Do you need anything?”

Just the day before, Owen had had a meeting with Richard to get the man up to speed on each department’s most latent topics. Since Webber was so experienced with the position, it didn’t take him more than a couple of hours to be all caught up with everything.

“Don’t worry about it.” Richard answered with a knowing smile. “Just leave everything that’s here in here, and focus on the work you’re about to be a part of. That’s all you have to do.” The oldest man advised with wisdom.

Owen nodded in agreement and checked his clock again. If he didn’t leave now, he was going to be late.

“Thank you for doing this, Richard.” He slowly got up from the chair, watching as the new chief did the same. Owen extended his hand and shook the guy’s with firm determination. “I really appreciate it.”

“No,” Richard kept his serene tone. “It’s me that has to be grateful. Thank you for your service.”

Owen nodded affirmatively and awkwardly looked away, gathering his bag on shoulder and his army combat cap in between his hands before turning around to leave.

“Hey, Richard… Hm… Can you do me a favor while I’m gone?” Owen bravely asked, facing the other man straight in the eyes. Seeing as he nodded affirmatively, the trauma surgeon asked, “will you keep an eye on Amelia for me?”

“Sure.” Richard smiled, not at all surprised with the request. “I’ll make sure she goes to meetings and take proper care of herself.”

“Thanks.” Owen grinned discreetly. “I appreciate you doing it… You know, at least until she leaves I think it would be good if she…”

Richard’s frown never got to be converted into a question as to where exactly Amelia was leaving to, because at that moment, Owen’s phone buzzed and he realized it was past time to go, so the army surgeon made his way outside the office without another word.

Just as Owen took the first corner, he spotted Amelia sitting in one of the radiology rooms, carefully studying an MRI exposed on the screen. He noticed the way her smart eyes examined each detail on the image and felt a sudden urge to go to her, drop his bag, close the door to that room and take her in his arms to never let go.

But Owen had already been reminded that this wasn’t a fairy tale where the story finished with a happy ending. This was very much real life, and he wasn’t going to steal the girl and win her back. He was going to a dangerous zone, where his presence was actually needed. And Amelia would move on with her life, hopefully finding a way to be happy on her own.

Maybe this was for the best, Owen thought as he adjusted the strap of his bag on his back and put on his cap. If he said goodbye to Amelia, it would only make it harder for him to go. And it was already hard enough.

With one last look, he tried to memorize every tiny bit of her face in his mind, before finally leaving for his newest mission.

Five minutes later, Amelia knocked on the door to the chief’s office.

“Oh, hi.” She frowned in confusion as she saw Richard Webber occupying Owen’s seat behind the desk. “I’m sorry, Chief Hunt requested me here a while ago but this MVC arrived in the ER and I was looking through his scans, so I…”

“It’s okay,” Richard took off his glasses and studied the young woman with a look of consternation on his face. “It wasn’t anything important. He already told me everything I needed to know. You can go back to work.”

“What… What do you…?” The neurosurgeon struggled with her words in obvious confusion. Why was Richard even there? “Did you have a meeting with him too?” She asked, looking from Richard to the door as if Owen would be entering it at any moment.

Webber looked at her, quickly picking up on the situation. In a fraction of a second, his face went from confused to compassionate.

“Oh my, you don’t know.”

Amelia noticed how the man affirmed and not really asked.

“Know what?” She looked to Richard and then to room around them, as if looking for answers. “What’s going on, Richard? Where is Owen?”

“Amelia, Owen isn’t here. He left.”

“What do you mean, he left?” Amelia forced a chuckle in response. “When is he coming back?” She tried to input a casual mood in her voice when in reality she was getting more alarmed by the second as she noticed Richard’s expression. “He just asked me to meet him here, I think he was…”

“I’m afraid I don’t know.” Richard looked the woman deeply in the eyes and felt awful to be the one giving the news. “Amelia, I am sorry he didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?” She asked a little aggressively, too scared and anxious by Richard’s compassionate expression.

But then the man’s entire face became impartial and Amelia recognized the look. It was the same professional look of a doctor who was far too used to telling people things they didn’t want to hear. And even though in Richard’s face Amelia saw the bad news coming, never had she imagined how it would feel like a stab in the heart when she finally heard the words.

“Owen rejoined the army, Amelia. I am sorry. I don’t know when he is coming back.”

And even after feeling the impact of the news tearing her apart and destroying every bit of life Amelia still had left, she struggled to keep her composure. After saying thanks to Richard for the information, Amelia got up, feeling as emotionally numbed as when she’d nearly overdosed back in the day.

The neurosurgeon had to gather all the will power to make it through the rest of the afternoon. She thought about the way she’d treated Owen the last time they’d been together and unsuccessfully tried to quit thinking about the many what ifs that now ran through her mind.

What if she had gathered the courage to let him in? What if she hadn’t treated him in such a horrible way the last time they’d met? What if she had bothered to ask how he was feeling too?

Maybe then Owen wouldn’t have joined the army again. Maybe he wouldn’t have left. Maybe his life wouldn’t be at risk.

And maybe right now Amelia wouldn’t have to be asking herself, what if Owen never came back at all?

—

Is this how you guys imagined this would go? Next up we will explore what happened to both Owen and Amelia while he was deployed and she was all alone in Seattle. :)

#omelia #thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #owen hunt #amelia shepherd #greysanatomy #greys anatomy fanfiction #omeliafics #omeliafanfics #omeliafanfiction #omeliafic #omelia fics #amenff

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jordan202 · 6 years

Note

Are you going to continue the Journey? I love that one as well as my boys but love love it he journey

I am :) I am glad you enjoy both stories, thank you so much for the kind message. Right now I am focused on writing my boys again but soon enough I will be back to write the developments of season 12 for Omelia in a new series of The Journey :)

#thejourney #thejourneyfanfiction #omelia

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jordan202 · 7 years

Text

The Journey - Part Nineteen

thanks @jia911 for proofreading this overnight.

Previous chapters are HERE.

Timeline for Part 19:

This chapter sets on episodes 11x20, when a plane crashes and Owen is suddenly reminded of the accident he still holds himself responsible for. This happens right after Amelia has changed the rules of the game in their relationship just the day before. We go further to explore some events up to 11x22. I hope you guys like it!

The Journey – Part Nineteen

Owen arrived early at the hospital and as usual, got absorbed with the bureaucracy workload he needed to read and sign. But when he was notified a plane had crashed in the middle of the city, not too far from the hospital, he instantly dropped everything inside his office and grabbed his white coat, knowing the ER was where he was needed the most.

As he walked into the elevator, the chief of surgery assumed that dealing with memories and the familiar sensations of guilt and loss that a plane crash would surely bring was going to be the hardest part of his day. But when the doors failed to fully close as a petite brunette sneaked in, Owen second-guessed himself.

“Hey,” He couldn’t help greeting her.

“Hey,” The neurosurgeon replied, and Owen noticed the way she avoided his gaze.

Amelia hadn’t answered any of his calls, or make any effort to talk to him since their disagreement. He was still very much in the dark about her change of attitude just the day before, and the trauma surgeon desperately wanted to understand what was going on. Not only would he like to help her, but Owen also felt like maybe that day they could be on good terms. He could definitely use someone to talk to. Dealing with the massive casualties from the accident wasn’t going to be easy, and as usual, he would have to stay at the top of his game, neglecting his own responses because he needed to lead and do what had to be done.

But the idea of finding some comfort in her arms when that day was over had ignited a spark of hope inside of Owen’s chest. But given her obvious defensive attitude, he wasn’t sure whether or not to encourage it. After seconds that felt like minutes, Owen couldn’t stand the heavy silence any longer.

“Amelia.”

The chief of surgery knew he wasn’t the best when it came to words. Owen was well aware of how hard it was for him to properly use them, especially in emotional situations. But at that moment, everything he wanted to ask had already been asked. It was now up to her to start talking so he could understand what she was feeling and hopefully they could go back to being on the same page.

“I just don’t think this, us, is a good idea.” Owen frowned when he heard the first words coming out of her mouth. “Mixing work and play.”

“Play?” Owen scoffed, trying to understand what kind of joke she was pulling on him. Surely Amelia couldn’t be serious, could she? “Play?” Owen repeated, starting to get nervous as she seemed to shrink and get more defensive by the minute, obviously with no intention to rephrase what she’d just affirmed. “What am I now, some screw?” He asked with a mix of confusion after hearing her words and watching her distant, cold attitude.

“I didn’t say that.”

In her tone, Owen noticed how she was holding back. Her cool manners finally alarmed him enough. Owen felt his pulse racing, refusing to believe what he was hearing. Amelia couldn’t be serious. She couldn’t actually say that nonsense after everything that had happened between them.

“This is more.” He affirmed with conviction, unable to keep a physical distance any longer. “Amelia, you and I both know this is more.” Owen held her hands, desperately trying to make her agree with what he was saying.

“I don’t have any more to give!” Amelia pulled away, raising her voice for the first time. It was then that Owen noticed she sounded anxious and startled too and he frowned, unable to believe she really was saying that. She was actually breaking up with him. And without any explanation that made sense.

He simply could not understand how the same woman who had laughed in his arms, kissed him with so much abandon, loved him every night of the week and instilled so many different feelings in his heart could actually be the same cold, distant person who was labeling their relationship as something meaningless as a casual hookup.

Owen thought back about the vulnerability he’d spotted in her eyes countless times, about how from the first time he’d seen her, Amelia had unknowingly captivated him. From the moment she’d walked into his life, the young neurosurgeon had already thrown him off his game because with her, Owen had never been able to be indifferent. Not at work, and not in their personal lives.

Her smiles had always affected him; her charisma won him over and the brightness he’d thought to have seen in her eyes was suddenly gone together with every stupid idea Owen had about ever daring to think that unlike every woman he’d ever met, Amelia could actually be different.

“I am not trying to hurt you.” Her voice sounded broken when she added the words, but at that point, hurt and disappointment had already mixed with anger and confusion inside Owen’s heart and for the first time since he’d woken up that day, whatever was going on with Amelia didn’t interest him anymore.

“I am not hurt.” He lied, too livid to look at her. “I get it.” Owen thought about it, wondering how he ever had allowed himself to make the same mistake he always did when it came to his unrealistic expectations from people. He had actually dared to lower his guard enough to hope for something meaningful, to build a life and a relationship with a woman who was on board with the same dreams as him and actually challenged and interested him enough to make him fall for her. Owen had been significantly involved with other women before, but they either had different dreams or turned out to eventually bore him. With Amelia, for the first time he thought there was a chance he could have found exactly what he’d wished for his entire life. But never before had it happened. There was no reason why it should now. “And I’m done.” He finalized, with a decided tone, feeling the start of a headache.

“Owen.” Amelia stopped talking when she realized her voice was unsteady. His reaction had caught her by surprise and the neurosurgeon also had no idea what to say or do.

“You don’t want real. You want the play.” Owen resumed talking before she had the chance to process her own feelings. “You want the high. You want the rush. And I’m not doing that. I am not interested, so I’m done, Amelia.” He added with certainty, making her heart sink in response. Amelia had never meant to hurt him. And she had never seen him like a meaningless fling. But even though rationally Amelia knew Owen had every reason to believe that she did, considering her attitude in the past twenty fours and her words to him just seconds before, it still hurt her harder than she anticipated the way he quickly made up his mind about the whole thing. “I’ve had enough.” Owen informed her. Amelia was still thinking of what to say to let him know how she truly felt when the elevator doors suddenly opened, surprising her. And the second Owen stepped out of it, his usual professional tone of command replaced the obviously upset state of mind that had filled his voice with hurt just seconds before. “We need to set up a central triage area. Walking wounded can go to the ambulatory care center…”

His words faded from a distance, and Amelia remained motionless, unable to react. She had already noticed how good Owen was in crisis situation. He was an amazing leader, the one to look up to amidst a crisis. While everyone else was freaking out, Owen was always the serene one. And Amelia had always admired that about him.

But right as the elevator doors shut once again with Amelia in it, she stood still, wondering how could he have simply walked out and resumed working as if whatever had just happened and ended between them had already remained a part of the past, left behind inside that suffocating elevator.

Owen’s day got progressively worse as he struggled to focus on work while everything around him seemed to be collapsing. He had no idea how his relationship with Amelia had gone from taking off filled with promises to crashing unexpectedly. Much like that airplane earlier today.

And much like the airplane that Owen had signed for once, carrying six of his hospital employees.

Even though the event had happened a few years before and all the legal implications of it were already resolved, today Owen had found out that the guilt he’d felt then was still very much present. As the victims of today’s accident kept coming into the ER, he couldn’t help seeing the face of the people he’d lost on each one of them.

Owen knew his constricted heart and intensified desire to see that each patient got the best available care came from all his unresolved feelings with the situation from years in the past. But he was also well aware of how much his confusion and anger towards Amelia and her sudden decision to change entirely what their relationship meant were affecting the way he was treating her that day.

If Owen were to be completely honest, he wasn’t sorry that he was acting like a jackass. His pride would never allow him to admit how betrayed and hurt he felt, so it was easier to focus on his wrath and take out his frustration on her in the only ways he could. The moments he stood outside the radiology room nagging the neurosurgeon to hurry up with the CT reading were a proof of that. Amelia had every right to want out of their relationship, and even though inconsiderate, she also had the right not to tell him why if she wished. But he was still her boss, and she would still have to report to him. And if she wanted their relationship to be strictly professional, Owen would make sure to give her exactly that.

Deep down he knew he was acting immaturely, but Owen didn’t linger on those thoughts much longer. Since Amelia had left him so powerless when it came to deciding about their relationship, he rejoiced in the possibility of getting back at her by reinforcing his authority at work at any chance he could. That also included calling her out in the middle of the hallway to reprimand her treatment of a resident in front of Stephanie Edwards herself.

Owen realized his action was backfiring when soon enough, he found himself in the position of being the one who was getting a lecture. Edwards exposed so easily what was going on between the two attendings that for a moment, he was caught off guard. The resident’s earlier comments while in the OR and her obvious innuendo to his love life had already contributed to Owen’s sour mood, but now, as she stood there accusing him and Amelia of not figuring out “how to date”, the chief wondered how much exactly people knew about his involvement with his head of neurosurgery and how that would affect the way he was seen by his employees from there on.

As Owen dwelled on those thoughts, he noticed Amelia looking as embarrassed as he was. She had just probably reached the same conclusions as him and without making a fuss, the neurosurgeon made an excuse and left, making him wonder if they’d ever be able to stand in the same room again without that awkwardness and actually have a real conversation.

Amelia finished typing down her notes on the patient’s chart, pleasantly surprised that the woman had shown such promising signs of recovery. It was probably the first happy moment about that day, the neurosurgeon realized with a sad grin.

As it had been happening so often in her life lately, her mind shifted to Owen and Amelia felt her heart constricting. She felt awful.

For the last couple of days, she had been telling herself that it was better to put a brake on her involvement with her boss while there was still time. Amelia knew that allowing such a deep, emotional bond to grow would eventually only expose her to more heartbreak. She couldn’t risk that. But it wasn’t fair that he took the toll and suffered because she couldn’t correspond to the expectations.

Amelia knew that deep down, Owen had done nothing wrong. He’d never meant to get her out of her comfort zone, much on the contrary. For all the time they’d been together, he’d treated her with nothing but respect, decency and care.

And in return, she’d broken his heart.

During the entire day, she’d fed on the fact that he was being rude and uncivil towards her as a way to fuel her decision to step back from their relationship. But it didn’t take her two hours away from his presence to make her feel even worse. Amelia had shut him down and hadn’t even offered an explanation. She knew that if she told him how she really was feeling, Owen would probably forgive her and understand.

And that could be even more dangerous.

Because if he offered her comprehension and forgiveness, Amelia knew she was at serious risk for putting her entire decision in jeopardy and running straight back into his arms to pick up exactly where they left off. She had hurt his feelings and he didn’t deserve it. But right now, Amelia had herself and her well being to think about.

Rationally, Amelia knew it was better to keep her distance and give him some space. After all, everything was too recent and he probably needed time to process it too. But seeing him pass down the hall with his powerful, poised walk made Amelia reconsider. She couldn’t go home and sleep in peace knowing he was that angry with her. Not Owen. He’d always been considerate with her. And nothing made her feel worse than seeing cold indifference in his eyes while feeling like a total disappointment.

“Chief!”

The word left Amelia’s mouth before she could contain herself. She hurried to catch up with Owen, seeing as he was finishing giving instructions to a nurse.

“Tell Kepner I’ll be down soon to help triage the stragglers.”

Amelia noticed how he didn’t stop to hear what she had to say. He simply kept on walking and going his way obviously maintaining his earlier attitude to avoid her presence and make her feel like an annoyance. But Amelia didn’t let his passive aggressive response withhold her from sharing the news she hoped would make his day at least a little bit better.

“I thought you’d like to know Kate’s memory is coming back.” The neurosurgeon started as she walked beside him, trying to appear positive and maybe make up for some of what she’d put him through. Owen was much bigger and Amelia had to take two steps to keep up with every one of his and she wondered if he was going that fast on purpose. “It’s still incomplete, but I’m expecting a full recovery.”

She stole a peek sideways, hoping to hear at least a few words of encouragement or to see that he acknowledged the effort she was putting into making the situation as comfortable as possible for them both, but Owen kept his hands inside his coat pockets, barely looking her in the eyes as he replied unaffectedly:

“Thank you. I’m glad to hear it.”

Amelia lost her patience completely. She really was trying the best that she could, but never before had she been around someone as stubborn as that man. Owen could intimidate everyone else around them with his proud, tough guy attitude but he didn’t scare her. And she wasn’t going to let him walk away carrying so much negativity about her because Amelia really did care about him and his well-being.

By the time she made sense of her feelings, he’d already walked away out of her reach. Why did Owen have the power to irritate her so effortlessly?! Amelia knew she wasn’t the easiest person. And communicating well surely wasn’t her strength. But that guy took her patience to defying limits. If he was keeping that broody, sullen mood just to get back at her for the way she’d treated him before, Owen surely was more difficult than she’d initially imagined.

“You say I’m playing games?” Amelia had to nearly run to catch up with him again. “I am here, ready to talk, but you are pissed at me, so I’m getting punished.” The neurosurgeon complained, hating the way he kept his cool while she was one step away from jumping on his neck out of frustration.

“I’m not punishing anyone,” Owen informed her with a condescending look, taking one step ahead with the clear intention to leave, “and I’m not doing this.”

“I want to.” Amelia bravely stood on his way, not bothered by his display of cold authority. “I want to do this because this is unfair!” Grabbing his arm, Amelia forgot all about the line between personal and professional and opened the door to the first room she found on her right, resuming her talking while she pulled him inside. “This is…”

“Amelia, back off.” Owen interrupted her before she could go any further. He’d allowed her to trap him inside the empty on call room because she was visibly worked up and he wasn’t about to be part of a scene in front of his staff. The neurosurgeon seemed angry and he wasn’t sure what to make of it, adding to his frustration. “You wanted professional. I’m giving you professional.”

“No, you’re not.” Amelia stood up to him, taking one step closer. “You are hardly being civil. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings. I am, but…”

“This is not about you!” Owen snapped, for the first time raising his voice. Hearing her talk about hurting his feelings set him off but he wasn’t ever going to admit it. “Everything isn’t about you!” He shouted louder, hoping to scare her off so they wouldn’t be having that conversation.

“Then what is it?” Amelia didn’t give in, satisfied that he at least hadn’t kept his indifference. Even though angry, shouting Owen could be quite intimidating, she’d rather have him voice out his feelings and actually use words than seeing him shutting down in silence, refusing to talk while treating her like she was his punching bag at work.

“There was a plane crash.” Owen admitted

“Yes, but…”

“Not the one today.” He raised his voice, finally silencing them both. Amelia stopped coming up with arguments to why he should talk, apprehensively waiting for him to explain why he was so angry. “I’m talking about the plane that had Meredith and Derek and Arizona and Mark and Lexie and Cristina.” Owen admitted with a sheepish tone. He sighed heavily as he said the words, feeling too emotionally drained to even try to contain his emotions. “I put them on that plane. I signed the requisition for the airline. I paid for it.” He confessed, finally saying out loud the thoughts that had haunted him for so long and today had so unexpectedly been brought to surface with every feeling of guilt that came along. “I was in charge. I don’t care how long I’ve been out of the service. It was my watch, and they were my men.” Owen added, nodding his head in disapproval to himself. “And…” He closed his eyes in order to control his emotions, struggling to keep looking at the same woman who’d offered him comfort and comprehension before. “I failed them.” He sighed heavily, feeling the weight of the words as he spoke them. Too overwhelmed with his own emotions, Owen sat down on the nearest bed to get a hold of himself. “It was my fault.” He admitted, taking a deep breath and regaining control. With a renewed disposition, he swept away all those uncomfortable feelings the memories had brought and added a conclusion to finally be over with the subject. “So, when something like this happens today, it brings it all back up.”

Amelia noticed the way he nodded his head, almost as if condemning himself for a mistake she knew hadn’t been his.

The neurosurgeon knew about the accident Owen was talking about. Her brother and sister in law had been on it, and because of the consequences of Derek’s injuries, one of Amelia’s sisters had had to donate some of her neural tissue to help their brother regain function of his hand and resume operating.

Amelia knew about the repercussions of the accident, how it affected people and especially, the lives it had taken. Mark Sloan had been on board that day and his death still constricted Amelia’s heart every time she thought about his smile and how growing up, he’d always had her back whenever one of her siblings was picking on her.

But she also knew there was no way that could be on Owen. She might be the one reconsidering defining what they meant to each other, but she didn’t doubt his integrity one bit. Amelia seriously doubted Owen would ever hire a company to provide a service if he so much as thought anyone’s security could be compromised.

She was about to open her mouth to tell him that when his next words echoed through the air.

“There was a plane crash.”

Amelia frowned, noticing the subtle changes in his expression. Owen looked lost, defeated, as if he’d just realized something else. And the confusion on his face gave Amelia a bad feeling.

“Owen.” She reached out for his hand, unsure of what exactly she was asking for. But his sudden change of attitude made Amelia feel an uncomfortable shiver running up her spine. She tried desperately to hold on. Because she had a feeling he was about to let go. And somewhere deep in the cold lump on her stomach, Amelia foresaw what was about to happen.

Owen held onto the fingers she was offering, hoping to feel her warmth one last time before they inevitably parted ways.

His mouth felt dry and his insides were churning like he was going to be sick. That hell of a day had been insufferable, but the part when he would have to break ties with the woman he’d invariably come to love was definitely going to be the worst.

Because just like the airplane collision, Amelia had walked into his life unannounced, uninvited. Despite all his careful planning and all his meticulous precaution, with her, he’d exposed himself once more. Owen didn't see it coming, but he had fallen for her and before he could get a hold of what was happening, she had unexpectedly changed their course, crashing what little they had built.

Not too long before, Owen had sat on a boat and envisioned a life for them. He’d actually allowed himself to make plans. To hope. Her smell still lingered on his pillow. Her lipstick still stained his favorite coffee mug. And just earlier today, Amelia had made it pretty clear that, unlike his initial assumption, her vision of what all of that meant was entirely different from his.

Owen took a deep breath, refusing to believe it.

Let me know if you, you know… if you need people… I’m around.

He’d embarked on it, utterly fascinated by her personality and her looks. Owen had been careful at first, but Amelia was so amazing and so completely enchanting that little by little, her charisma and charm had knocked down his defenses and before Owen could realize what was happening, he’d already fallen head over heels for her. It had taken weeks, but little by little, Owen had started to believe in the possibility of his biggest dream ever coming true again.

I just don’t think this, us, is a good idea… mixing work and play.

And just like that, all the fire that had been burning in his heart, fed by how much she’d seemed to return his desires and affections had suddenly crashed, disappearing like it hadn’t even existed before.

Owen took a deep breath, struggling to say what he knew needed to be said.

“And I won’t survive another plane crash, Amelia.” He informed her, thinking back about how much pain and heartbreak he’d endured in the past for trying to convince someone of something that was his desire, and his alone. If Amelia wasn’t in synchrony with what he wanted, then it was better if they each went their ways while there was still time. While they could still survive the collision. Because Owen knew that soon enough, it would have already been too late to go back maintaining the least bit of mental sanity. “And that’s all we are.”

Amelia felt the weight of his words and struggled to accept the meaning in them. Somehow, she’d walk out of that room feeling even worse than when she’d first entered, something she hadn’t considered to be possible.

But as she pulled her hand, having to use all her strength after Owen hesitated to let her go, Amelia realized that no matter how hard this was on the two of them, at least breaking up was something they both seemed to agree on.

For the rest of his shift, Owen tried his best to get rid of the awful sensation consuming him. He was aware of how intense his feelings for Amelia were, but even so he hadn't expected to feel so devastated.

As one hour followed another, it became more flagrant that when he made it back to his trailer that evening, Amelia wasn’t going to join him. He wouldn’t wake up to her easy smiles and affectionate kisses in the morning. He wouldn’t have to tell her to hurry in the shower or they’d risk being late for work.

None of that would matter anymore because she simply wasn’t going to be there.

As anger slowly faded, his heart felt progressively emptier. Owen hated the feeling and rejected it with every ounce of strength he had. But soon enough he’d come to find out that the dark cloud hanging above their heads apparently had come to stay.

The chief of surgery knew that if he went home, there would be no distractions and he’d have to deal with his feelings so he chose to spend the night at the hospital instead. In the morning, Owen had just showered, shaved and was finishing dressing when he walked into the attendings lounge, looking for Callie to join him in an early morning procedure.

Small talk with other colleagues followed and Owen didn’t feel the least inclined to take part in it. He was sitting by the computer desk in the corner of the room when Meredith Grey interrupted the lighthearted conversation among her colleagues, dropping the news that Owen didn’t yet know would change everything.

“Derek is dead.”

The world became a turmoil around them and while everyone freaked out, discussing what was going on and trying to make sense of Meredith’s bombastic news, Owen took charge of the situation after the general surgeon passed out.

While Webber, Callie, Alex and Maggie tried to understand what was going on, Owen overheard the exchange of information that followed, unable to believe all of that really was happening. Involuntarily, his mind shifted to Amelia and he wondered how she’d taken the news. He still couldn’t process the loss and since Meredith wasn’t in a proper state of mind to share any details, Owen was left guessing.

Moments later, after updating Webber and Bailey on Meredith’s condition and finally getting to the bottom of what had happened to Derek, he found out that Amelia didn’t know yet.

As chief of surgery, Owen knew the protocol. If Amelia was operating, they couldn’t interrupt her. He felt his stomach twisting in knots when he realized that soon enough, Amelia’s world was about to become darker and more painful.

Owen didn’t want to tell her what had happened, he didn’t look forward to it at all. But at the same time, someone had to do it and he wasn’t going to let a sole random person share the news he knew would devastate her. The trauma surgeon had watched first hand how Amelia was close to her brother and he cringed just to think of the heartbreak and pain he would add to her life with the devastating announcement.

Owen knew it too well himself. He’d lost a sibling too. He’d never forget how his entire world had changed from one minute to another after he found out the chopper his sister was in was missing. But Megan had never been confirmed dead and the lack of closure could add up to anxiety and trigger emotions Owen was familiar with. This time, with Amelia it was different because they knew for sure what had happened.

But it didn’t mean it would be any easier.

The chief of surgery walked into the OR where the young neurosurgeon was finishing operating. After his gaze met Callie’s, Owen had the confirmation that Amelia was still completely in the dark.

The entire situation was too impossible to process. Owen felt like he was somehow living a nightmare. One of his closest friends had died and none of that made any sense. But soon enough, Amelia would find out and it was better that she heard from him than someone who might deliver the news in a cold, impersonal manner.

“Can we have the room, please?”

Amelia heard her boss’s voice and turned around, noticing the way Callie and Edwards silently retreated from the OR. Everyone was alarmingly silent, with heavy frowns on their faces. Something was going on and Amelia had no idea what.

“Did you need something?” She asked Owen, trying to sound as indifferent as possible.

Ever since she’d sat beside him on an on call room bed and heard the words that ultimately broke her heart, Amelia had disconnected from everything and everyone around her.

All her life, she’d heard how much of a disappointment she’d been. But very few times it’d come close to hurt as much as when she’d had to hear from the man she loved that their relationship was as disastrous as a plane crash. Amelia had had intense relationships before, but after Owen brutally told her what he felt, she’d realized that never before she’d been so deeply involved with anyone. No other guy had ever had the power to make her feel like that.

Her initial reaction had been to crave a drink and Amelia hated herself for it. She had to use all of her strength to keep her sobriety, too determinate not to slip. Especially not because of a heartbreak.

Owen’s words and the sad truth in them had hurt deeper than Amelia could have ever expected. But she didn’t blame him for her pain.

Instead, Amelia blamed herself. It was her fault for feeling this close to someone, for not knowing better and being seduced by everything Owen had to offer to the point of being blind whenever he was around.

To the point of actually letting her guard down and leaning on him for comfort, when she knew too well from experience of how loving someone ultimately only caused sorrow and pain.

She had moved to Seattle to focus on her life and her career. And after her brief and yet intense relationship with Owen, Amelia had closed off completely, too determinate to never let herself feel as close to having a relapse again as she felt just hours before.

“Maybe we should have this conversation in my office.”

His look was stern and firm as he said the words. Amelia wondered if she was seeing too much into it, or if Owen really was having a hard time keeping his composure.

Knowing him, Amelia supposed probably the first option. Owen was too annoyingly contained to ever be affected by something enough to compromise his performance at whatever he needed to do.

“Look, I don’t have time for…” She started out, still thinking he’d come to talk to her about work and was hesitating because of their conversation the day before. But when Owen walked into the room, calmly standing in front of her without breaking eye contact, Amelia realized something was seriously wrong.

And in his eyes, she saw the truth.

Ripping her surgical mask with one determinate movement, Amelia inhaled deeply and forced herself to control her heart rate, refusing to feel anything whatsoever other than anger. “Who died?”

“Amelia…” Owen took a deep breath, wondering how in the world he was going to deliver the news but her words interrupted him.

“I know the face. I’ve been here before.” She confessed, adding contempt to her list of allowed emotions. It was easier to despise everything than to actually let herself be affected by whichever news he had to give her. “Everyone thinks they are the first person in the world to ever look at a human being like that, but… It’s always the same face.” She added with impatience, thinking back about the many times she’d seen the same facial expression in the eyes of people who loved her whenever they shattered her life with bad news. Amelia was not going to let it happen again. She couldn’t control other people, but she sure as hell could control herself. And the lack of denial from Owen as she spoke the words pretty much confirmed her initial assumption. “Who is dead?”

Owen couldn’t bear it any longer. He could see in her eyes she was torturing herself, defensively putting up a wall to cope with the news he was about to deliver.

“Derek.” He said, feeling nauseated as he struggled to contain his emotions. “It’s Derek. I’m so, so sorry.” Owen gazed at her, hoping more than anything that she didn’t have to go through all of that. But he was powerless over the situation. All Owen could do was to be there for her and to make sure she knew things would be okay. “It was an MVC accident, and he wanted to help.”

“I don’t need the details.” Amelia broke eye contact with him, startling Owen. “Dead is dead.”

Owen frowned, trying his hardest to do the right thing. He’d prefer it if she cried and broke down in his arms, because then he would be able to do something. But the way Amelia coldly stood there, staring at him with indifference as if she’d heard something as mundane as her surgery being cancelled scared Owen, because he knew that reaction wasn’t at all healthy.

“I am so, so sorry.” He repeated, giving her time to process it. Owen couldn’t judge. He knew the news had barely sunk in for him yet. And Amelia was Derek’s sister. It was exponentially worse on her than it was on other people. Taking one step closer, he tried to touch her and get to her in the hopes that would inspire her to have a reaction. “I wish there was something I could…”

But Amelia stepped back, clearly rejecting his comfort and his touch.

“Thank you. For telling me.” She looked into his eyes, speaking the words with unnatural calmness.

Owen wanted to hold her and make sure she knew that just because they’d broken things off the night before, it didn’t mean he wasn’t there for her anymore. Much on the contrary. Amelia would now go through something awful and he wanted to do everything in his power to ease her sorrow.

“Amelia, if there’s anything I can…”

“I’m good. I’ve done this before. I know the drill.” Amelia tried to inflict a lighter tone in her voice, as if trying to convince him as much as she tried to convince herself. “It’s not a big deal.”

Owen watched as she turned back to the sink and turned it on again, resuming washing her hands like the information she’d just received had barely affected her.

Feeling helpless, overwhelmed and unsure of what to do, Owen looked around, spotting Callie inside the OR, obviously giving the news to Stephanie Edwards. The resident broke down in tears, being promptly held by the orthopedic surgeon while she cried.

Owen watched the scene and looked back at the woman standing beside him, who bravely kept her chin up while refusing to succumb to pain.

“Amelia, I…”

“If that’s all, chief, I have some post ops to get to,” the neurosurgeon interrupted him, looking at Owen with a mix of defiance and what he interpreted as pity.

The chief of surgery reached out, this time succeeding in touching her shoulder.

“Are you sure you’re…”

But Amelia once again stepped back, this time reaching the door and grabbing the handle with the clear intention to leave.

“I am fine,” Amelia gave him one last look before finally exiting through the door.

Owen knew it was a lie. There was no way she could be fine. Not in these circumstances. But while Amelia kept lying to herself, there was nothing he could do other than wait.

Because when she finally allowed herself to process the news and feel the loss, Amelia would invariably break down.

And Owen would make sure to be there to catch her when she fell.

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