#then again we might just be compatible people sooo | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reikunrei · 1 year

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i know i’ve already talked about this half a dozen times but i’m really sooo so excited to see Steve and Jonathan interact more. like, it’s obviously been set up that at this point they have to be teamed up in some way, and i’m just chomping at the bit for that kind of interaction.

like, it’ll probably be against both of their wills in some way, or at the very least against Jonathan’s, and so now they’re stuck together and it’s awkward because neither of them really know each other. and they’ve saved each others lives like a dozen times at this point, and watched each other kick ass again and again, but like...

Steve probably still thinks about the fact that Jonathan took those sneaky photos in his back yard, and while Jonathan did apologize to Nancy for it, he and Steve never talked about it again. and Jonathan definitely still thinks about all the shit Steve said before they had their fist fight (how the Byers are a bunch of screw ups, how it’s not surprising that Will “died,” how they all deserved it, etc.) because of course he’d still hold a grudge over that! it was shitty!

and even if they’ve saved each others lives several times now, that doesn’t automatically negate the shitty things they’ve said or done to each other on a personal level. and the fact that Jonathan still defaulted to making a jab at Steve about him being unable to be “in charge” proves that he still thinks that, to some degree, Steve is still very much like he was in high school. like, he knows that, on some level, Steve has changed, having likely heard tons of praise from the younger kids... but how much of it does he really believe, you know? it’s a high stakes situation, of course Steve is gonna try to save people... but what about when they’re outside of a high stakes situation?

as the audience, we’ve seen Steve steadily improving across all seasons, and he really didn’t learn how to be a wholly “good person” until the very end of season 3, i think, and his friendship with Robin was just the beginning of that growth tbh, at least by way of changing the way he thinks about and views the world and his relationships with other people. but Jonathan has seen, like, basically none of it first hand. they don’t hang out, they don’t talk. hell, even after the season 1 fight with the demogorgon, we learn (in season 2) that Jonathan just “disappeared,” per Nancy’s words. Jonathan didn’t stick around, and we see that, when Steve appears, Jonathan slinks away. he and Steve do not have a relationship right now.

and i really truly think that some sort of forced team-up that results in a heart to heart between the two of them would do astronomically well by their individual character arcs.

something about how Steve is still in love with Nancy, and still hoping it’ll work out between them, but talking more with Jonathan and learning just why Nancy likes him so much, and how her and Steve aren’t quite compatible anymore, and maybe never were, because maybe even the true Nancy that Jonathan loves so much isn’t the Nancy that Steve knew and still fawns over. like, it would allow Steve to move on or come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t need to be in love with someone or be in a relationship in order to be whole. he might want Nancy, but he doesn’t need her.

and we’ve still never really seen Jonathan’s trust issues addressed on screen (i will forever be sad that we didn’t see Jonathan letting Argyle into his life), and having Steve poke that bear, to talk to him and make Jonathan second guess his feelings about Steve. like, words cannot describe how fucking badly i want Steve to finish his apology from season 1. like, as far as i can remember, it didn’t seem like Steve went to Nancy to apologize to her first. he went to the Byers house to apologize to Jonathan. only, he got interrupted by the plot he was totally unaware of. and i can bet that Jonathan forgot about that, but maybe Steve hasn’t. and once they’re alone together, air thick with awkward tension, he thinks, fuck, this dude hates me, and i know exactly why.

like, just imagine having that final link closed for the both of them. Steve finally getting to apologize for the asshole things he did to Jonathan, owning up to what he did and not hiding behind something like, “well, i saved your life, so you have to like me now.” like really owning up to everything he said and did to Jonathan. and Jonathan just gawks at him because, oh. fuck. and Steve would just have to keep talking, because Jonathan is stubborn and a little caught off guard. so Steve is saying stuff like, “I’m happy for you and Nancy, you make a great pair. i’m sorry i broke your camera, that was really fucked up. i’m glad that Will ended up okay. like, really glad.”

and then imagine Jonathan muttering out an apology, after way too much silence has passed, and Steve just kinda blinks at him. and Jonathan says it again, “I’m sorry, too. for, you know, the pictures and... and for... you know...” for being a dickhead to you all these years when everyone else was telling me you were a good guy. he can’t say that, though. to Steve Harrington?? that would be too vulnerable for Jonathan. at least right now.

i’m just so !!!! about them and the potential for more interactions between them!! like their relationship is still so fragmented, they’re the only two who have yet to reconcile and gotten to know each other on screen. and i honestly feel like if we don’t get just one little awkward team-up between them where they’re forced to talk about their feelings, the two of them will stall out and not be able to move forward in their arcs. because if they really want to lean into this love triangle with Nancy, Jonathan can’t keep going to Argyle for advice and Steve can’t keep going to Robin, and Nancy can’t be caught in the middle with her split attraction between the two of them. the two guys have to talk to each other, to learn who each person is, so that Steve can move on and accept Nancy’s feelings for Jonathan, and Jonathan can stop being a defensive prick around this guy who’s otherwise a perfectly lovely friend to Nancy and everyone else.

#i say things #long post #stranger things #steve harrington #jonathan byers #sorry i will never SHUT UP about them #im like sooososooso excited #like even if they dont have like A Talk or something. we all know that theyre gonna be teamed up in some way #like from having el disliking max in s2 to them being best friends in s3 #and robin calling nancy a priss in s3 to then wanting to be her bff in s4 #LIKE you're gonna have jonathan say 'who wouldve been in charge? steve?' and then have nancy push back against it #and then NOT having steve and jonathan be forced to work together so jonathan stops being an asshole?? come on!!!#anyway ive been putting off my weekend walk for like an hour to write this up so maybe i should go do that now

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beaversatemygrandma · 3 years

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Learning that the wiccan girl i used to work with is currently spouting qanon bullshit doesn’t even surprise me.

It all started with her coming up to me immediately recognizing the fact that I’m highly empathic and then proceeding to try to convince me that im one of the select few with special abilities and whatever. (i mean my mom says the same. i just pass off as a damn fae creature at this point) Then once we were friends, there was her trying to convince me to go to a ritual at the beach on the full moon to drink menstrual blood. Well i didn’t do any of that. I just kinda backed away at that point but she was friends with literally All of my work friends so i was stuck with her even after she lost the job. I still see her around somehow and its been like 3 years so yeah.

#starting to wonder what kind of people i wouldve met if i didnt move to fl rn #because holy fuck theyre really showing their crazy around here #the only good thing she did was talk me down from a panic attack at work by using a damn healing crystal #how it worked idk #but it did #i keep amethyst and citrine around now #but then again my mom also supports the healing crystal stuff and got me a nice set of stones last year #that girl also shamed me for not dating the guy i was sleeping with when we had first met #she even once did it while i was not in a good mindset which sent me into a SPIRAL #the spiral somehow pushed me towards the guy and we somehow never even dated but we still talk a lot and are close friends #so maybe she was right about how sex makes you spiritual level because we're still on the same wavelength #then again we might just be compatible people sooo #if i meet another dang wiccan who thinks im a wiccan im gonna scream tho #im not i swear #i was just raised by a pagan woman who genuinely thinks im a fae #i also found a book of healing spells in my late grandmothers stuff while living with my granddad #i kept that book #is all this because of the pagans in my family and how i might spiritually be at these people's levels #possibly yes #do i understand any of this stuff #no not at all #but do i keep getting gifted healing crystals and white sage?#oh yeah ive got a lot of pretty rocks now #and sage that i will never burn most likely #but yeah today is just me looking over the local people ik and wondering what the fuck theyre thinking #because i dont think they think #most of them are just showing their evil sides lately and im getting nervous #fl locals are damn wild my dudes #i wonder if theres a spell in that book for these sorts of situations #beavers speaks

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hanjifuck · 3 years

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.˚｡⋆ ༊ .˚｡⋆ stray kids ideal types - series .˚｡⋆ ༊ .˚｡⋆

bang chan version ʕっ•ᴥ•ʔっ

based on their birth charts! s2

✧*:.｡. t/n: i'll be using SIDEREAL astrology on this one. it's also important to say that when we talk about romance in astrology we have to fully analyse the couple's birth charts individualy at first and only then apply compatibility analysis so we're able to check out the synastry overlays.

✧*:.｡. t/n: kinda proofread. <3

the basics:

someone who has sun in virgo or in the 5th house;

aquarius and gemini moons are the ideal but aries moon is also great, libra is good, leo and sagittarius moons are a maybe. capricorn and cancer moons are absolutely a no;

venus in virgo, scorpio, cancer or capricorn;

mercury in virgo (or capricorn/taurus).

obviously there's way more aspects to look into to see if a relationship would work but i'd rather not go too deep into it right now.

a person who's patient and honest. he takes his time into getting to know you before he commits. so, when he does commit, there’s no room for him to change his mind. he's worthy of a romance novel. he will make sure that the bond is strong and stable for both.

someone who's good at communicating, reading people's intentions and has a good sense of humour. he tends to use his voice to express himself and he's such a sweet talker when it comes to romance. communication and intellectual rapport are his thing, so it's important for him to have someone who he can talk to. so good at covering it up his intentions or even lying (but you guys didn't hear this from me), except that he tends to tell the truth in almost any and every situation. he loves to tell stories and to see the smile and hear the laugh of the loved one.

a partner who's not afraid of commitment and long term relationships. listen to me, this man is looking for a soulmate connection, someone to pay him due attention. he's a romantic at heart and has a strong need for love in his life, it being his ultimate driving force, a passionate lover and he knows how to maintain the flame of true love. without love he would be nothing.

someone who knows how to talk to people and be pleasant during social situations.

someone who's highly vulnerable and revealing with him, ONLY.

a person who's adventurous. he does not know how to stay still, he wants to expand and has a hedonistic type of approach to how fun should work in a relationship. he can't be more happy then when his able to impress you with his creative side. if you like an intellectual approach to life you will love it as well.

a positive person, someone who's optimistic and make things seem easy.

an intense, bold, strong-willed and powerful person. would love a partner who knows how to stand up for themselves. he wants besides him a person who can make the world kneel in front of them.

someone who will do anything to seduce him.

someone who challenges him (in a good way, ofc). he loves to be dared as he sees it as stimulating, a reason to try even harder, to put even more effort in. he's prop to play mind games (maybe manipulating, even if it's not his intention, since he makes everything sound so wonderful). often fueled by curiosity and a desire to control/possess others for himself *only with those who he actually loves since he sees romance/sex as super meaningful, on a soul level thing, and focus 100% on the person he loves.

emancipated, educated and high intelligent individuals. a pretty face will never be enough, sorry. virgo sun in the 5th house? pfffff this man is a genius.

someone who's younger or appear youthfu/has a youthful personality. he needs a eager-to-learn-and-to-enjoy-life-with-him person. channie's prone to take up the dominant/leading role in a relationship as well. it's like he has this strong pedagogical (?) side to him (and once again my theory that he would be a teacher if he wans't in the entertainment business is proven right ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

a person who's not avoidant or keeps to many secrets. if you keep stuff away from him he may misinterpret things quite easily.

a partner who's as clingy as he is. channie does not stand being alone for too long. he needs your warm touch and gentleness.

a freedom-lover type of person, someone who seeks inspiration and fun. he's extremely motivated and light-hearted, very flexible and adaptative.

a person who knows how to encourage him. basically someone who knows his intentions almost better than he does. he has a need for validation and appreciation cus sometimes he fixates on certain ideias but doesn't have what it takes to go further with it.

someone who would enjoy having kids, taking care of them, educating them together, and is family-oriented. he would love to have a partner who's as excited as he is to mentally stimulate his kids. very inclined to having lots of children. he wants someone who has the potential to go all the way to the finish line. man's want commitment.

a person who's charming, "feminine", sensuous and romantic. he's not interested in a person who is crude. he has strong yang energy on his birth chart so it's a good thing if your chart is yin energized. the whole thing about lighting up candles, putting on some romantic music is important to him. may be enticed by a person who has an overly sexual appearance (SPECIALLY if you have scorpio sun or rising), femme fatales (the energy, not necessarily a woman) are just right for him. maybe someone quite mysterious as well.

someone who's painfully monogamy. you can trust him on remaining faithful, as long as his partner do the same. trust is important for him and when it comes to love, it's absolutely essential. if you don't want to lose him forever you shouldn't break his confidence. he rarely has any interest in casual encounters, not being the type to take different people home every night. loyalty is such a turn-on for him, cute. he wants to be only yours, so he expects the same from you, not wanting you to even look at other people. the more committed to him, the deepest his love is.

someone who's not shy. he’s a non-conformist, private person and rather do his own things, away from the public eyes. remember when he said he usually likes "dark things"? man wasn't lying. he knows exactly who he is and what he likes even tho society might shun him for it. however, he does not care. <3

a person who's devoted and dependable, who's also ready to work by his side. someone who knows how to handle his possessiveness and maybe even suspections. just be honest with him and patient enough to put him at ease, assuring him that he's the only one who deserves your attention and love. his jealousy may be really tricky.

okay, this dude has mars and venus conjunct pluto in scorpio. do you guys know what this means? i would DIE to make this man love me!!!!!!!!! help. he will be SOOO OBSESSED WITH THE PERSON HE MARRIES, IT'S INSANE KDISADJADNAUS HELP ME.

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softpine · 2 years

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Would be curious about the more serious red flags!

i went at this one from the perspective of a stranger meeting them for the first time, so these aren’t necessarily their BIGGEST flaws, it’s just the first flaw you might see as a “red flag”. but then again, everyone’s red flags are different depending on compatibility (and whether it’s platonic or romantic), like one person’s red flag might be another person’s desired trait, so this was actually more difficult than i thought it would be jfkjsd but here we go!!

asa: he’s awkward 🧍‍♂️ sometimes he makes strangers uncomfortable because he will hold intense eye contact while he waits for you to say something, or he’ll inundate you with strange observations, and then when he’s tired of being social, he will just leave.

finn (if he were alive & still with his parents): ... everything about him would be a red flag 😭 he would hardly speak to anyone except to start a fight. he would just be generally cynical and rude and very hard to give the benefit of the doubt to.

stevie: she comes on really strong & some people don’t like that. she also has a habit of talking so much that the other person can’t get another word in.

jada: snarky and closed-off because she already has her group of people that she trusts and she can’t imagine that anyone else could possibly understand her, so she doesn’t bother trying.

elaine: overly sweet and complimentary; some people think she’s being fake, but she’s not, she really does see the best in people. she’s never met anyone who didn’t have at least one good quality worth complimenting.

austin: gets disproportionately annoyed when babies cry in restaurants.

matt: has no plans for the future, and isn’t bothered by that at all.

casper: sooo indecisive and makes every decision difficult no matter how small. he never knows what he wants; he likes when other people or the universe itself make his decisions for him.

caroline: a big gossip. she loves to talk about other people’s drama, but if she finds out someone is talking shit about her, she can’t handle it.

beth: it’s her way or the highway, especially related to her work. her coworkers pretty much hate her because they only see her at her worst, when she’s most competitive and ambitious.

danny: one of those dad-types that will treat everyone like a friend. and by that, i mean he will get way too personal with you way too quickly. not in a creepy way, just in an “oh my god i don’t want to hear about the specific giggle sound your daughter makes when you tickle her shin – please just order your coffee, sir” type of way.

mikaela: she can’t hide her opinions about people; if someone is annoying her or she disapproves of someone’s actions (a common occurrence given that she works in the pediatric unit and deals with parents all day) she just has to say “bless your heart.”

this got SO LONG i’m so sorry!!

#some seem worse than others but that's not really a reflection of how much worse as people they are #it just depends #this was really very difficult lmaooo #i did ask for it though sjkjds thank you <3 #asks #anonymous #nonsims #brandi answers #camellia ask

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thepigeonsopinion · 3 years

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Guess who's the bish that just watched "Wishmaker"!...

I'm the bish that just watched "Wishmaker" if you didn't figure it out.

Anywho! Let's get on with it. Now, usually I would do a little (extremely detailed) summary of the episode, but I can guess that a lot, if not most of the fandom has seen the episode so I'm just going to skip that and dive straight into it!

Warning: Spoilers for "Wishmaker"

Anyway! Onto business, let's talk about my thoughts on the episode.

So, the beginning of the episode. I legit don't know why this triggered me (I absolutely know why this triggered me, but I don't want to admit it) but Marinette melting when she gave Adrien the flyer got me freaking laughing, probably because every time and I mean EVERY time the love square interacts (mainly adrinette) is so over used that I find it hilarious at this point (this is probably just me, but what the heck :p)((also this was kinda me salting on the LS, but remember this is just my opinion so please don't come at me :)). Continuing on to Alya's comment about if "being a superhero counts as a job" it sure as heck does, well mainly if your Marinette (also the reason why I'm talking about small details that happened in the episode is mainly because I'm re-watching the episode as I type this). Again I had a cackling moment when we had the Sadrien moment, which made me realize how mean and bad I am, but oh, well (i felt horrible when i cackled at this, but i felt really guilty afterwards) ((i might delete this part later, but idk)) Also, when Plagg presents the idea of them running a cheese shop together it made my heart melt because it shows how much Plagg cares about Adrien and how much he wants to stay with Adrien. Now, unto the part where Marinette explains to the kwamis what a career is and when I say I was laughing through this whole scene, I WAS laughing through this whole scene. Mainly because of all the comments that the kwamis gave to Marinette. Like, seriously many of the comments are very accurate and the one that broke me was when Xuppu said, "It's making presents for Adrien!", I was like "damn he legit just called you out Mari". Not to mention, when Ziggy drawled out AdRIen's name to showcase the amount of meaning Adrien has on her life. Also, Sass is legit the PERFECT kwami for Luka, and I am not exaggerating this. Sass literally was the only kwami that stood up and voiced out that they should listen to Marinette and that her opinion in this situation is the most important one, and I know for a fact that Luka would do the same if he was put into the same situation Sass was in. That small detail in the episode made my heart melt knowing how compatible Luka and Sass are.

Anyway! Moving on, Andre legit unintentionally (maybe?) roasted Alec on his show, I was like "damn he got you there" and he also roasted him with the sweet, delicious treat known as ice cream, damn that's got a hurt. Speaking of Andre, the story of how Andre found his career was really touching to me. The main reason of why he really pursued his ice cream business was because ice cream was what made him happy and he wanted to share that with the world. In summary, I find Andre's career story really touching and meaningful.

Continuing on, after Andre explained the ice cream flavors to Marinette, Luka "coincidentally" appeared right behind her right after Andre said "Pistachio and pecan for the clear-sighted young man". And, if you tell me that the pistachio is to represent Adrien, I would like to explain to you how that it is not accurate. I mean, legit this whole episode is to represent how both Adrien and Marinette are indecisive when it comes to their career choices, mainly because of all the things happening in their lives. Now, "clear-sighted" doesn't really suit Adrien in the context of the episode. In this episode, Adrien doesn't even have a clue on what he wants to do for the rest of his life, but Luka on the other hand is a representative at the fair for his school and is running a booth showing his career choice, that sounds like he fits the definition more accurately. Now, I know that the main reason of why people recognize that the pistachio is to represent Adrien is because it's the color green and Luka's color is not green, it's blue. But let me introduce Viperion. I mean, Viperion is literally just Luka, even if he has a mask on it's still Luka.

Anyway! Moving foward through the episode, when Luka said "buddies", I felt that. It legit broke my lukanette stan heart to hear him say that they were just "buddies", but I digress.

Ok, I know that the main reason why Alec is roasting everyone's career choice is for his show (and to hide his inner turmoil), but damn, tone it done a bit will ya. In the end, Luka showed him, even if his way of showing him was to hold up a violin to the sky and let the wind play the instrument was kinda weird, I support whatever this kind and understanding boy does.

I know it is justified that lukanette is strictly platonic because the LS is going to be endgame, but I can't help but fan girl when I see my ship holding hands. Not to mention, the look that Marinette gives Luka is a look of adoration and love(even if it's just platonic).

We would like to welcome Bipierion to the running again. Like, come on, you can't tell me that the scene with the three talking doesn't look just a tad romantic. This whole scene, made my Luka stan heart just palpitate wildly. I mean, this whole scene; no, this whole episode is a bunch of examples of how Luka is such a mature and understanding character. This scene alone made me love Luka's character even more! Also, we FINALLY get to see Luka play the violin (and not just with the wind this time hehehe ;)) and can I just say, I totally love this scene, not only because it's with Luka playing the violin (though that may be the main reason) it's because I also play the violin so I kinda relate to this scene.

Continuing on with the episode, when Alec went into his inner turmoil and main backstory of why he is the way that he is, I was like, now I feel bad about him being trashed on, but he kinda deserved it soooo...Moving along! So, Wishmakers design. I don't know why, but Wishmakers design reminds me of Venom, or more specifically a drag queen version of Venom. And I fully support that, I mean you go get it, slay girl! Even if you are a villian.

So, Jagged’s childhood dream was to be a crocodile. I mean, I get a lot of people's childhood dreams were a bit far-fetched, but okay, you do you. Also, Mr. Banana's childhood dream was to be a cucumber? Umm ok...Anyway! Luka prioritizing others above himself, is just the icing of the cake as a Luka stan. (Not to mention, Luka already fully excepting Jagged as a dad is sooo, I can't express it into words how much I love that.)((Also, Jagged can't swim. Noted.)) Also, Luka and Jagged having a conversation about how Jagged wanted to be a crocodile as a kid, but he can't swim is so funny to me. And it also portrays more of Luka and Jagged's relationship a bit more, so I appreciate that.

It's time for a small detail mention! Luka's head tilt when he saw the dino huggie just made my Luka stan heart melt! Moving along, we get Luka or Viperion saving everyone, which just gave me a sense of joy! Also, Marinette as the knitting-fairy was so adorable!

Anywho, continuing on with the episode, with Luka finding out Marinette is Ladybug, you can see the realization in Luka's face when he realizes that the secret that she kept from him was that she was Ladybug, and you can hear the shakiness in his voice when he uses Second Chance after that, which shows even more how shocked he is. But, he still keeps his focus on the battle because now he has to protect Marinette's identity, which is just another of the many reason of why I love Luka's character. Ok, I have a small nitpick at this scene, and even though it's just a small detail in the scene I can't help, but comment on it. I know that Chat Noir is not in the right state of mind during that moment, but did he seriously not hear Viperion when he warned him to duck? But then again, I digress.

Moving on, I felt that, when Adrien found out that his childhood dream was to be what his parents wanted to be, because I also want to do that to, or mainly to just make them proud. Anyway, enough about me, let's continue on with the episode! Luka's face when he saw that Adrien was Chat Noir, really made me sympathize him. Because in Luka's eyes he finds out that are truly good partners (and I refuse to say "meant to be" because just no) and it is pretty obvious that he still has feelings for Marinette and that finding out that both Ladybug and Chat Noir are Marinette and Adrien must've broke his heart. I mean, you would react the same way if you found out that your crushes crush is their partner in crime (as some people might say).

Moving on! Umm, Barney is that you? I'm sorry I just really wanted to comment on that, also Lukadrien moment? Not to mention, how the heck can that dino huggie jump so high but hit the ground with a rumble? Then again, I'm not good with physics.

Okay, so let's quickly talk about Luka lying to Ladybug about knowing both the superheros identities. So, we know for a fact that Luka hates or at least dislikes lying, but in this moment he chose to lie, because he knows that it was the best option in this situation. The reason behind this is because he wants to protect Marinette, and I know that might sound confusing, but let me explain. Luka knows Marinette fairly well, and he knows that she has a tendency to overthink and freak out, so if Luka did tell her that he found out Marinette would freak out and start to think it's all her fault and that she should've been more careful and so on and so forth. This would make her a perfect victim for a akuma and Luka knows better than to let that happen, so he does one thing he knows will protect her, he lies to her.

Contiuing on, when Marinette said, "I will be Luka's best friend and I will love Adrien", I literally face palmed. I mean, I get it that the LS is bound to be endgame, but come on! Do we really need another reminder that it will happen eventually? Also, drag queen Alec? YASS QUEEN! SLAY QUEEN, SLAY!

And with that, we come to the end of the episode! So, I enjoyed the episode fairly well, with the exception of all the moments I salted it. But there are still so many questions that I have that are yet to be answered. Like, now that Luka knows both Ladybug and Chat Noir's secret identities, how will that revelation affect Luka's character in the show? Will their be others who find out their identities, and if so, how? (aka Alix) Will Luka's revelation affect how much screen time he gets on the show? And if so, will it increase or decrease? Will Alya find out that Luka knows? And, so much more. Not to mention, my opinion on Luka's revelation.

So, as I scroll through my social media, mainly instagram, I see posts where people read Luka's revelation as a way for him to also realize that the LS or Marinette and Adrien are "meant to be together", and though I respect those people's opinion, I don't really agree with it. I believe that Luka's revelation is just that. It's him finding out the truth that Marinette kept from him, and whether he decides to act more or be there more because of this is up to the writers and creators of the show. But I don't truly believe that that was a way to show that he ships them. I think he mainly supports Marinette's decisions and will always be there for her. And the reason of why I say this is because it is clear that Luka still has feelings for Marinette. I mean, come on, as I said in one of my comments during the episode, the realization on his face when he found out Chat's identity was full of sadness, contemplation, and maybe a bit of hurt. Which tells me that Luka still has at least some romantic feelings for Marinette. Not only that, he did the thing that he hates or dislikes most, lying, to protect her. But all in all I still enjoyed the episode and I can't wait to see where this revelation takes us.

I hope everyone has a great rest of their day and as always remember...

But that's just my opinion (・ε・)

(This took me FOREVER to finish, but at least it states my opinion and my little thoughts throughout the episode, even if it is a bit jumbled up :))

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taegularities · 2 years

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Since we are talking about relationships, can someone give me some advice please?😅 I want to meet a nice guy but it’s sooo soo soo HARD, I’m trying online dating but I don’t really like it😒 I’m shy but not that shy, I’m an INFJ so I’m an introvert but once I begin to feel comfortable i’ll be more outgoing ya know? I guess it depends more on the setting…I don’t like clubbing or partying, I rather do something else for fun like go to a museum, watch movies, dave & busters, go to the beach, or any other fun activities! I’m 24 years old and I’m getting frustrated because I want to experience a REAL relationship, yes i’ve kissed guys that I’ve had a thing with but it never ended up working out (thank goodnesss🤣) but ughhh I don’t know what to do, I’m also super picky so that makes it 10x harder but I guess it’s because I’ve had times where I’ve “lowered” my standards a bit because apparently they were too “high” and they ended up breaking my heart as well🤨 So any advice guys? Are there others going through something similar? Sorry about this Rid😭 You are awesome and always so understanding so I thought maybe you’d have some advice for me too🙏🏼🥺❤️

awwwwwh love 😭 again, DO NOT APOLOGISE !! it's nice that u trust me like this, so please, seriously, it's all good <3

hmm, yeah, i agree that it is hard to find the right person, especially when one's picky (which is nothing bad, i can be picky too). sometimes interests don't align or people just aren't compatible, and yeah if you know what you want, it's not a bad thing at all. that being said, i do think it is easier to find love when you're not seeking it. because once u try to find it actively and urgently, u might run into disappointments or not find anything at all – this is not always the case, i'm just saying what i experienced.

i think since u are young (yes dw, 24 is still young!), it might be best to focus on living life as it comes and enjoy little things such as vacations, friendships, school (☠️), music, indulging in hobbies etc. i feel like love comes when u least expect it and then it feels even prettier and super wonderful. tho if u DO want a relationship right now, like, really really want one, u could try asking around, hang out with friends of friends and see where it gets u! maybe u'll find a nice guy who u feel drawn to and who fits ur personality too !! love happens differently for everyone, some search and find and some just live and get surprised. in any case, remind urself to be gentle w urself and to seek happiness first, do what brings u joy, no matter in what form it comes to u !! <333

#if anyone wants to add anything feel free #my brain is shutting down so i hope i make sense lmaoo #notes for rid 🌹#anon #long ask

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franeridart · 4 years

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Anon said: I love your cartoon mice! You could make a series out of them!

I could!! I’d love to!!!!!! If you guys would be interested in me posting more of the original/cartoonish animals-and-still-life stuff I doodle I wouldn’t mind sharing at all!!!

@notanerd579 said: hey! i’ve been a fan of yours for quite a while and i’ve had your post notifs on for some time. lately i noticed how quiet you’ve been so i looked up your page, and i somehow was no longer following you? i don’t know what happened, but i wanna make sure u know in case it’s happened to any of your other followers

Answering this publicly cause it seemed like you wanted me to, thank you so much! Both for following me again and for being worried it might have happened to someone else!! I hope not ;;;;

Anon said: your iidayama fusion... love him so much

Ohhhhhhhhhhh I’m glad, I loved that one concept probably the most out of every other one!

Anon said: Ahhh i love your art style so much!!!! Thank for all the good Kiribaku stuff my dude!!!❤❤

No anon thank you!!!!! 💕💕💕

Anon said: So, I’m just wondering what makes u ship Seromina? My friend only said that their shipped because there the only last two in the Bakusquad, ( Kiribaku, Kamijirou )

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH oh, okay! Actually I have no clue if that’s why other people ship them? It might be? It might also be that them being the last two out of the group made people consider the ship and then start actually enjoy the possibility of it? I don’t know! Personally SeroMina is one of the ships I’ve been shipping the longest (I’ve been on it since before starting to like kamijirou, actually!) and one of the only three ships in bnha I have a seriously hard time breaking up and shipping around (the other two being ochadeku and bakushima) so I’m reasonably sure my ending up liking them was an independent thought process and it wasn’t guided by shipping other things? But it’s been so long that I can’t really say why I first considered them as a possibility, so who knows, really! Might be, might not!

The reason why I’m still shipping it right now is that I find them highly compatible, that their interactions in canon give me life, and that I just find them extremely visually pleasing - I think I have a very specific way of shipping them? In my head? I have this story about them, or... an ideal way in which I like to think they might happen, and it makes me very happy and makes me feel very warm and it’s just, it’s ideal? To me, the possibility of Sero and Ashido ending up together would make for an ideal lovestory and relationship, it just gives me the fuzzies haha it’s like, you know, they’re very very good friends, and to me that’s the most solid base to start a relationship, and they’re comfortable with one another which is wonderful. They’re the same type of silly and extra and rowdy which is fun, and I’m very very stuck on the fact that when Ashido was talking about her future agency she just assumed Sero would be in it - she wants him in her future??? how cute is that!! he wasn’t the only one she mentioned so I’m not saying it’s “canon proof” or whatever, I just like that out of the squad the only one she assumed would be with her in the future is Sero, it’s soft I like it. And I like how she’s by canon called bright and shining and eyecatching and Sero’s by canon called plain, I like the possibilities in that, the feelings in that, but especially I like the idea of bright shining wonderful Ashido with her love for everything romantic and always in search of her own shining love story one day looking at Sero and realizing that she doesn’t want anyone else!! because he makes her laugh! he makes her happy! he makes her feel like she’s perfect the way she is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! with her loud laugh and childish sense of humor and overly-bright fashion sense, and I love love love the idea of Sero thinking her completely out of his league and never thinking anything could ever happen between them but like, not in a sad pining sort of way? more in a “she’s ideal and I know she’s out of my league so I’m not putting any thought in it but she ideal”, only for Ashido!!! to confess!!!!!!! To HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just thinking about it makes me feel all warm inside I’m talking too much okay I know I just love them So Much Hori please don’t pair them off with someone else I’ll cry a river

Anon said: Have you seen the newest BNHA chapter??

THIS WAS ABOUT THE KAMIJIROU ONE HELL YEAH I READ THE KAMIJIROU CHAPTER HOLY H E C K

Anon said: Kiribaku, am I right?

you’re So Right, anon

Anon said: first off, i LIVE for your art, it always makes me so happy to see the boys!! also i am impressed with the way you made sero's elbows look anatomically correct he is a Good boy but man is he hard to draw and u did that

THANK YOU!!!! I actually spent a whole lot of time trying to figure out a way to draw his elbows that made sense to me and most times I still struggle with it a lot but I’m super happy to hear the way I go about it makes sense to you!!

Anon said: I was just wondering if you were still into Haikyuu?

Hell yeah! Both following the new anime season and still following the manga!

Anon said: Blue, grey, cinnamon, periwinkle, mauve, blush, indigo, fuchsia, lavender, saffron, plum, sage, viridian, burgundy. Colors taken from mk-58

...............................anon I’m sorry I have no clue what this is about orz

Anon said: Hey there! I love your art so much! Would you ever consider drawing Genos from One Punch Man? He’s my friend’s favorite character and she would totally love it. If not, that’s ok whatever you’re comfortable with :)

Ahhhh I’m sorry anon but I don’t really make a habit of drawing OPM stuff ): I’m glad you like my style, though! Thank you!!

Anon said: IS THIS WHERE YOU'VE BEEN HIDING MY DEAR~?? I'VE BEEN SEARCHING FOR YOOOOOOOOU~~~~~~~

I also don’t know what THIS is about!!!! is this a song I’m supposed to know because I feel like it is but it’s been weeks and my brain just isn’t cooperating!!!

Anon said: Not a question but I NEED you to know that your bokuroteru tattoo au comic gave me the biggest motivation to start writing again (albeit for bnha, instead of haikyuu) because it's just sooo good!! Their interaction, the way bokuro seem confident and comfortable even tho they're actually lame dorks who blush a lot, the way teru confessed to the two guys, their kisses //// just gahhh everything about your comic gave me the dokis. You're an inspiration

I’m so so so happy to hear that oh my god!!! (TTATT) the fact that that comic can still make people feel stuff means so much to me holy heck I’m gonna cry ;;;;;;;;;;;;;; 💕💕💕💕💕💕

Anon said: CAN WE HAVE MORE AKANE?? PLEASE I LOVE THAT CHILD TO DEATH!!!! I'm new to the blog so Idk if this would be a request but...I just really want some Akane...

I do wanna draw more of her!!!!!!!!! I just don’t have any ideas at all!!!!!!! I hope inspo will come back to me soon ;; meanwhile thank you so much for being interested in my little rude bean TT^TT

Anon said: !!! i just scrolled through my dash and saw some icon set post that had a a character i didn't recognize, but the image in the middle was familiar, and i realized it was your art ;; so i 1) was proud of myself for recognizing your style immediately and 2) asked op to take the post down since there was no credit and the image was edited. hope you have a lovely day! i got your back 💞

Thank you so much for looking out for me, anon!!!!!! 💕💕💕💕 you’re the best and I appreciate you A LOT

Anon said: OH MY GOD YOU DREW GALO AND LIO I JUST WATCHED PROMARE TODAY AND I THOUGHT "THEY LOOK FAMILIAR"

I have so many more ideas for those two!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m not sure WHY I’m not drawing more, honestly!!!!! my hands lately haven’t been very cooperative orz

Anon said: Ok so Idk if I lowkey offended u with my last ask so IM SO SORRY PLEASE FORGIVE ME IT WAS A JOKE

NOT OFFENDED SORRY FOR THE WAY I WORDED THE ANSWER seriously I’m really sorry I was just kind of already beating myself up over the fact that I haven’t been posting enough so the answer ended up sounding like that because in my brain I was like yeah fran where IS the stuff!!!!! so, yeah. It was more on me than on you, I’m really sorry for that ;;

#fran answers #i kind of went off on that sero***mina ask didn't i #oops #sorry i talk a lot about the stuff im passionate about hahaha

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viria · 5 years

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I’m planning to buy the same tablet you’re using, a genius pen tablet according to you faq, but lately I see people asking you questions about using iPad Pro instead? Have you switched or was iPad Pro only temporarily? What are the pros and cons of each device? Thank you Vika!

Oh, I actually didn’t pick up genius tablet after bying ipad pro;; I feel so bad for it sometimes!I might not be able to give very wide spread feedback on each, but from what’s on top of my head:Pros of Genius Mouse Pen i608x (I think;;) :

• It’s cheap! Here it costs like maybe 35 USD at the moment.

• It will last you a long time. I had my previous Genius mouse pen for at least 6 years I think, and even then it still worked, the only issue was that usb wire only worked in a certain angle);

• It’s compatible with any PC and therefore there is a huge variety of programs -Paint tool SAI, Photoship, Clip Studio, Open Canvas, etc. You can really choose what fits best for you.

• It’s easy to install (at least was for me) and works wonders (especially considering it’s not expensive for a tablet).

• Battery in the pen lasts for months and very easy to change (if needed).

• There are couple of extra nibs to change the used one from your pen.

Cons of Genius Mouse Pen i608x:

• It needs USB wire to work, so it is useless without PC or laptop, therefore it isn’t super portable.

• Doesn’t have a screen of it’s own, so once again you need to look in the monitor when drawing, and at first synching your hand with the eye can be a bit unusual (especially if you’re used to look directly on what you’re drawing).

• Pen nibs as well as the protector on the tablet get scratched and stop feeling smooth quite soon. The feeling of drawing on it is rather gritty, especially after long time use. I had to (try) and smoothen the nibs with mild grain emery paper to get more use out of it. ( you can still draw just fine, but the feeling is kind of scratchy, but you only understand it if you have something to compare it to, so initially it wasn’t exactly an issue).

• In this exact model I had some kind of glitch happen (although rarely), where I needed to restart my drawing program because the pen lost it’s sensitivity. Goes away easily though.

• There is no screen.

Now to ipad!

Pros of Ipad Pro 10′5:

• It’s very portable! You can carry it around with you everywhere, if drawing on the go is something you love doing.

• It has a screen, so it’s almost like drawing traditionally but digital edition. It feels quite professional, and it’s just...different, compared to having to look at the monitor.

• Procreate! A very (if not most) popular drawing program. Costs 10$ of one buy, and becomes one of your best friends. I really love it much better compared to SAI, and I feel like it extended my drawing abilities.

• The feeling of drawing on the screen is very smooth, which I really enjoy.

• It boosted my productivity by A LOT, simply because I feel so good when I draw on it. Like the sensations as well as looking at what you’re drawing, I feel much more motivated drawing on it. (and drawing a lot means improving so that’s quite a plus as well)

• There are different screen sizes - you can choose 10′5 or 12′9. • Picks up colours beautifully.

• Procreate has a huge set of brushes, and even if you’re not satisfied with them there are planty sets to buy or get for free.

• When it runs out of battery it usually doesn’t feel that you just sat to draw, as well as the pen battery, lasts quite a while and charges quickly.

• Apple pencil has an extra nib, but I am still on my first and I feel no need to change it.

• It runs very smoothly! Both as a drawing tablet and a tablet you use for regular non artistic things.

Cons of Ipad Pro 10′5:

• The most obvious - the Price. It is very expensive. I have one of the cheapest (without card and with 64gb memory), and it’s still 1000$ (I guess it’s apple but like. ouch). BUT I think you can search for refurbished ones.

• There is a chance of it not lasting as long as you’d like for it to. I know people whose ipad lasted a couple of years, which is..unfortunate, and I kind of fear it.

• After a bit less than a year of use mine stopped charging fully, it always stops at 93%, sooo even though that’s not game changing it’s kind of meh (perhaps anyone knows what’s the issue and how to fix it?)

• I don’t really mind, but many people are irritated on how the pen needs to be charged with it just sticking out of your ipad ahah

• Not exactly a con of the device, but there are times I wish I bought a bigger version, since I usually use it at home and bigger screen is a bit more comfortable to draw on. But that’s sometimes and mostly I am glad I bought 10′5.In conclusion, if you need something cheap that works well - genius is a great option. Especially if you’re a beginner and you aren’t too sure whether you’d really be drawing on it a lot.

But for me, in terms of pretty much every single aspect (ehem for the price) ipad wins? Despite the price I really think it was worth it, and I will probably buy a new one once this stops working. It boosted my productivity, it’s enjoyable to draw on, you can draw on a coach (troublesome not with my neck but you can), on the go and in cafes!

I also heavily enjoy procreate so I’m generally very happy that I ended up buying it. I always carry it on the trips and even if I don’t necessarily have time to draw we can always chill and watch something, because hotel TVs are often on a language you don’t understand.

(I also read fma on it so I really enjoy that too hahaha)

Hope it helps!

#viriasanon

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loverontheleft · 3 years

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Long anon has thoughts and I’m here to reply but also I’m fucking wasted

Okay, different anon, but I love giving unsolicited advice (joking, joking... kind of), so I had to chime in. Plus I think I’ve read RtL like 2 or 3 times in full now (way more if you count all the times I’ve read a chapter because of the sex scene and then just kept reading after that), so I’m very invested. God you’re better than me. I didn’t mind chapter 30. It wasn’t my personal favorite scene (that’s just really not my jam, if I wanna revel in the angst, I prefer the later chapters), but with some tweaks I do think it was a good addition. Like, it did give the relationship a little more, I’m not sure if this is the right word, respectability? Realism? Weight? It showed that they’re not just clouded by lust or the honeymoon phase. Which is where I get into the conflict of fanfic imagine writing vs fiction writing. Most fanfic readers seem like they don’t want the plot and the character growth and the realism. The point is fantasy. I can do that short-term, but in a long-haul series like this…angst is necessary. Tension is necessary. Their relationship doesn’t exist in this perfect little bubble, it’s “perfect” because they’re really compatible, and that’s even more important than love in a longterm relationship. It showcased how much Brendon is devoted to his work, which is one of the reasons the reader loves him, but it has the real possibility of causing real issues that they need to address and work through. Now, again, it needs a little work. I don’t love that B basically accused the reader of being intentionally malicious, and I also don’t love that she was more of the victim rather than it being a two-way conflict. I think it could’ve had more of a build-up (I know you said you sort of wrote this without a plan so it makes sense that the build-up wasn’t as much as I think it needed to be, but, hey, that’s the beauty of rewriting it.) and oh rewriting it will be a thing eventually. Like she doesn’t love that he’s overworking and she brings it up a few times throughout like 3 to 5 chapters before nationals, and it sort of gradually goes from the reader going, “hey I think your hyperfocus on your job is starting to affect both your quality of life and our relationship” (obviously in a way that’s more writer-y and less information dump-y lol) to “I’m starting to feel like a toy you play with when you’re interested and completely ignore when you have homework.” And then Brendon’s responses starting at, “oh I’m sorry, babe, I’ll manage my time a bit better,” all the way to, “why don’t can’t you respect my career?” Then in chapter 30, it all comes to a head and they full on fight instead of the previous semi-passive-aggressive communication they had before. I like you; you understand what my brain is trying to do with this rewrite.

ALL OF THAT BEING SAID, as much I think fighting and arguing can be healthy and necessary, I HATED the fight in chapter 19 (at least I think it’s 19. The one where he’s like, “just talk to him, you’re being crazy”). No it’s totally bullshit I hate it too; even writing it I was like ughhhh. I love your work and I don’t want to be rude, but this is just how I feel about one chapter in an otherwise beloved series. It’s not rude; that was jammed in there for the plot and god I hated it then and I hate it now it’s just bad writing. It’s that I just think it was so out of character, for both of them to some extent, but especially Brendon it was. Maybe it’s just the reader projecting her ex onto Brendon when she’s feeling distressed, so that’s why he seems SO different from the way he was in previous chapters (hell, even earlier in that chapter no it took a sharp left turn it’s a bad chapter) and than every other chapter afterward which okay can we agree Chapters 18-26 are whaaaat is happening and 27-31 are ?? and 32 is steamy forgiveness and then 33-36 are smut but so little plot and…oh god I have so much to rewrite I’m gonna cry but he’s so fiercely passionate and protective over, not just the reader, but sort of everything that he cares enough to invest time into (teaching, music, the reader, lovemaking 😏😂, etc.) that don’t think he would’ve proposed talking to the ex at all, much less become all cold and calculating and downright rude when talking to her. I almost think it would be more realistic if she said, offhandedly, “maybe I’ll just talk to him, try to get rid of him, give him some money, I just want this over with,” and Brendon AT THAT POINT would be like, “no absolutely not, you’re being crazy/irrational .” And then it would turn into a big fight because the reader not only feels condescended and invalidated, she’s starting to feel controlled and smothered, which in conjunction with all the feelings that have been brought up with the ex in town, makes her feel like she just needs to get away from B. I guess that wouldn’t have the same effect later on at the end with the lockdown drill which I really want to cut, good lord Cece it was so extra wtf (full disclosure: at the time of writing, the school where I was a teacher had an active shooter in the area but not on campus, so I was probably processing that?? See my note below about writing as therapy), but it would still kind of work. Instead of B realizing that the reader was right about the ex, it would be the reader realizing that B really just cares for her wants what’s best for her, and ofc B would have to apologize for saying that the reader’s crazy because that’s sooo shitty. Actually, now that I think about it, that might be more effective. Other than that one argument, there wasn’t a big question of whether or not B respected the reader and her judgment, but with the ex showing up, the reader was getting scared about being in another serious relationship and being so dependent on someone else oh definitely. Doesn’t help I was using writing as my therapy since I was very out of a mentally abusive six-year relationship. I just peppered in my own trauma left and right (drunk Cece put left and write at first lmao) and left the characters to figure it out and that’s not fair to y’all so it would be much better narratively to confirm to the reader that she can trust Brendon and that he cares for her even if he messes up rather than to just have an argument that gets resolved. Which would work too if it weren’t for the fact that the characters and dialogue were so off, just maybe not quite as well. Lots of changes to be made; you’re not wrong.

Okay, I’m sorry for talking your figurative ears off omg no I love it this is a craft revision and I’m so here for it. Feel free to say I’m way overstepping because, well, I am, but I’m a fan okay!!! Idk if you’re overstepping I’m too drunk but I don’t deserve fans I’m crying yall are so wonderful And I overthink EVERYTHING, so there’s that too haha same though. These are just things to consider and jumping off points, so don’t let it change whatever you have planned. I’m sure it’ll be great, and frankly, I mostly read for the smut anyway so I don’t know why I’m so invested in the plot LMAO this is why I’m worried about Dulce being a slow burn y’all just want the smuuuut and @beautiful-tragic-fallout can tell you there’s a huge difference between my fanfic writing and my fiction writing though you’d think they’d be similar. Maybe I’ll just write it as a novel, never post it here, hope it sells, and one day y’all can be like “this book plot sounds familiar… I remember this slut who wrote a bunch on tumbl—wait, is this author actually Cece?!?” Because, reminder, Cece is an abbreviation of my second middle name and very few people actually know it at all and my published fiction writing isn’t under Cece (I’m mostly joking, but really, as long as the porn’s good, you could write anything well, thank you.) I’m sure this whole ask is riddled with typos and forgotten words and bad grammar (brevity has never been my strength), so I’d also like to apologize for all that. Listen I’m so drunk right now…I didn’t even notice. And my responses probably are too.

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whitetigerdemoness · 4 years

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Sooo.....did someone say Holloa sequel?

I give you “Shooting Star”.

Holloa Master Post. A03 link.

The stars you see at night potentially burned out millions of years ago.

Lila Rossi left the Dupeng Cheng bakery feeling pretty clever. Her pocket was weighted with the butterfly charm she had stolen from Marinette’s room. She patted her pocket, feeling certain she could get a good amount of cash for it from the pawn shop she prefered. Different products danced in her mind as she thought about what to buy with her dirty money. Some new boots, perhaps? The season was changing, spring right around the corner.

Yes, she decided, a pair of stylish new boots would be the perfect treat for herself after all the awful trials she had had to endure these past few mon-

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“ Tiki I just don’t understand that girl!” Marinette huffed in frustration, dropping solidly into her desk chair. “Why in the world would she come here to try to apologize of all things, and expect me to believe her, after everything she has done!” The red kawmi sat on the desk with a thoughtful expression.

“I don’t know Marinette. Lila always seems to have another angle. Are you sure that was all she was here for?” Marinette’s eyes widened at the kwami’s observation. Taking a quick look around her room, she didn’t see anything out of place. Her booby trapped diary box was untouched, none of her clothes looked disturbed, the miracle box on her desk was-

SCREEECH CRUNCH!

“What the?!” Marinette jumped at the sound.

“That came from outside!” Tiki gasped in alarm.

“An akuma?” The black haired girl asked.

“Only one way to find out.” Tiki replied. Marinette raced to the ladder that led to her rooftop balcony. She leaned over the railing, taking in the shouting people below.

It wasn’t an akuma attack.

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“...Wolfram Berger stands trial today for attempted vehicular manslaughter against Lila Rossi, better known to some as Volpina, three months ago. Ms. Rossi remains in a coma in an undisclosed hospital. Ladybug and Chatnoir are standing as witnesses today against Mr. Berger’s chronic harassment of Ms. Rossi as well as two of her classmates, Nathaniel Kurtzberg and Marc Anciel, who will also be testifying today-”

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Ladybug punched the brick chimney hard enough to leave an imprint of her fist. The trial earlier today had ended with the jury declaring Mr. Berger not guilty. The defense had argued that Mr. Berger had simply lost control of his car and that the fact that Lila had been the victim was merely a coincidence. Chat Noir and Paon were off the side with troubled looks of their own.

“I can’t believe that jury! Four weeks of community service? Not guilty? That awful man could have killed Lila! I might not be her biggest fan but…” Ladybug trailed off with a frustrated growl.

“The court system is not as straightforward as tv likes to make it dear.” Paon sighed. “If Miss Rossi had actually died the verdict may have been more severe, but she is still alive if only through life support.” The peacock hero rubbed her arms, unhappy with the verdict.

“I don’t know.” Chat noir added, “Berger has a lot of followers. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of them managed to sneak onto the jury. I noticed quite a few of them giving Marc and Nathaniel the stink eye, not to mention us.”

One would think that Hawkmoth being gone for nearly six months now would weaken the Office of Akuma Affairs anti-akuma and anti-hero platforms. The lack of new material didn’t phase the group who were happy to make up new situations to blame on the heroes or skew old ones. Paon especially came under fire often due to Mayura’s past actions, being an easy target due to her public identity. People were unable or unwilling to separate her from her temporary replacement. Being Hawkmoth’s wife hardly helped either.

“I hate to say it Ladybug, but we have bigger concerns than Mr. Berger walking free. It has been three months and we still haven't found the butterfly miraculous.” Paon gently reminded the steaming hero. Their group, which extended beyond the three on the rooftop, had searched Lila’s belongings and home extensively with no luck. Ladybug had been certain the girl had taken the miraculous having been alone in her room just a day before the jewel had been discovered missing, but it was starting to look like that may not be the case. Lila had been hit with Berger’s car as soon as she left the bakery. The girl would have had no time to hide the miraculous anywhere. Similar searches of Berger’s home and possessions had also been fruitless. The current running theory was one of the many bystanders that day had picked up the broach. The lack of new akumas suggested whomever had discovered it had not been compatible, kwami didn’t show themselves to just anyone, but it was only a matter of time before someone compatible did come along. The miraculous were magic like that, inevitably gravitating towards wielders.

Ladybug groaned. “Yeah, anti-hero sentiment is higher than it has ever been. You would think people would be happy for peace, not calling us useless because we can’t stop every mugging and petty crime.”

“Almost makes you wish Hawkmoth was back.” Chat Noir chuckled. Distantly, an explosion boomed. “uhhh…” The black cat hesitated.

“Let’s move!” Paon commanded, already racing across the rooftops.

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“Please tell me that is not an akuma. Chaton, if that is an akuma I will personally make your life miserable for the next week.” Ladybug threatened.

“If that’s an akuma, I don’t think you’ll have to work too hard to accomplish that.” Chatnoir gulped, taking in the scene. A girl in a multi colored dress was frolicing in the street below, watering people she managed to catch with a watering pail. People who came into contact with water from the pail began to sprout flowers all over their body, older victims looking to have become plants entirely.

“If that is an akuma, the akuma is likely in the watering can.” Paon commented. “She doesn’t look too dangerous.” The peacock wielder leapt to street level without further ado to confront the akuma.

“Paon wait-dammit.” Ladybug muttered. Paon had become active after Hawkmoth had already been defeated. Despite being the eldest hero, she had never actually faced an akuma before and was making a rookie mistake. Akuma were never as simple as they looked. Ladybug exchanged looks with Chatnoir. She could see he was conflicted. Instinct was telling him to leap to his mother’s side and support her. Training was reminding him that hanging back and watching was the wiser choice.

“Go to her Chat, I’ll hang back to watch for tricks.” Chatnoir nodded and joined Paon, who was trying to knock the watering can from the akuma’s hands with her knives. The akuma laughed as she batted the knives away like pesky flies.

“You showed up! Goody! Let me take care of you!” The akuma chirped, gleefully dancing closer to Paon. “Everything will be so much easier once you’re a plant! You’ll be happier!”

“I like sunlight as much as the next cat, but I’m not too crazy about water.” Chatnoir quipped, using his baton to try and trip the akuma. The action was in vain. Even the combined efforts of Paon and Chanoir were not enough to make the akuma’s ballerina like grace falter. Further from the battle, Ladybug approached one of the flower covered victims.

“Hold on, I’ll get you out!” The man did not respond at first, his eyes glazed and listless. When Ladybug began to try and tear the vines from his body, he began to scream in pain. Shocked, the heroine recoiled.

“HEY!” The akuma screamed. “Don’t hurt my plants you naughty bug!” The akuma darted towards Ladybug, free hand outstretched. Jumping backwards, Ladybug felt a small trill of alarm as the movement felt sluggish. Moments before the akuma could pour water on her, Chatnoir kicked her away.

“You okay Ladybug?”

“Be careful, Chat, Paon, I think the plants are giving off some sort of sedative.” Ladybug winced, holding her head. “Harming the plants seems to also harm the host, don’t touch anyone.”

“Good little bugs should HELP plants!” The akuma fumed. “Bad bugs will be pruned away by the Gardener.” The akuma attacked with a flurry of graceful kicks and wide sprays of her water. Ladybug and Chatnoir put up their shields to deflect the water, while Paon hung back and attacked from range with her knives.

“We need to pull back, one touch of that water and it’s game over!” Chatnoir said after a particularly close call.

“We need some way to prevent her from pouring water.” Ladybug added, movements slower than she would have liked. Gardener’s supply of water seemed infinite, and dodging the growing puddles around them was becoming harder.

“If only we could find someone unaffected by her powers, I could create a senti-monster. Where are all the civilians? This is a busy street…” Paon groused.

“Parisians are pretty good at getting out of spitting range of these fights by now. The police have probably set up barricades to prevent people from coming this way.”

“It might be time for a Lucky Charm!” Cried out Ladybug, her yoyo toss taking more effort than it should have due to her lingering sluggishness. A chromatic pocket knife fell into her hands. The hilt was ladybug spotted, but the blade simmered in rainbow colors.

“Looks like it’s time to cut ties with the Gardener.” Chatnoir quipped, using his baton to catapult a nearby trash can at the Gardener. Ladybug huffed at the pun as her eyes darted around the area trying to come up with a plan. Other than the Gardener’s watering pail, nothing else stood out to her. Nothing except...Paon. Ladybug cast an eye around the plant strewn street again. A few of the plants still had twitching human limbs sticking out of them. Perhaps someone still had enough consciousness to produce a sentimonster...the Lucky Charm was never wrong. She had to trust it.

“Paon! Are you sure you can’t feel any strong desires?” The street was getting pretty flooded, the heroes had taken to jumping from cartop, to street stall top, to try and avoid the water. On one hand, it kept them dry. On the other this severely limited their maneuverability. Paon closed her eyes and concentrated.

“There is...one...but I’ll need a moment to focus!” The peacock hero threw another of her feather-knives at the akuma, only for it to clatter uselessly onto the street as the agile girl danced and twirled away.

“Right, let’s give Paon some breathing room kitty. Hit the street!”

“You got it Ladybug. Cataclysm!” Dark energy crackled across the flooded street, causing it to heave and crumble in on itself. Chunks of the asphalt shuddered as their supports eroded, falling into the sewers below. The Gardener stumbled, all of her attention diverted to staying on her feet during the mini earthquake.

Meanwhile, Paon whispered to the blue feather in her hand before sending it on its journey with a blown kiss. The feather didn’t go as far as Ladybug thought it would, fluttering down to land on a twisted pile of flowers and thorns. An image bubbled and coalesced into reality, settling into the kneeling figure of…

“Penknight?!”

#miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #Chatnoir #nathaniel kurtzberg #marc anciel #holloa

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nadziejastar · 5 years

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Xemnas: Tron is a digital entity, so why would he be any different? He obeys the rules of this world. Sora--what about you?

Sora: Me?

Xemnas: Your heart, memories, your data, and your dreams. The bits and bytes that have made up your life so far--can you say for sure they are not just copies of someone else's?

Sora: Yes! My memories and feelings belong to me.

Xemnas: You had better check.

Haha, yeah I’d love it if it was retconned to just be a false memory, though I agree it is unlikely. It honestly sounds more plausible too, ya know? It could have been a memory planted using the Datascape. Or it could even have been something poor Isa’s tormented mind concocted in order to block out his trauma.

It’s kind of funny that the song playing in the background of the Subject X scene is “Eternal Moments”. That was basically Lea and Isa’s theme in BBS. It played during the scene where they met Ven. Lea told Ven they were friends and to get it memorized. Lea said he wanted to live forever in people’s memories, and Isa said he’d never forget Lea. Lea met Ven one time, but he still remembered him 10 years later. But with Subject X they aren’t even sure if their memories of their “friend” are even real. Yeah, such a close friend...

Xemnas: Make certain the box's contents match what's on the label...since you have been chosen.

Sora: Chosen for what

Yong Xehanort: You think this is the realm of dreams, but there, you are mistaken. Data does not dream, cannot dream. This world is real. You haven't the slightest idea where you are--that you have already wandered off the path.

I still think Subject X was just a tweaked version of Isa’s backstory. After Saïx said he might have just imagined Subject X he didn’t sound that concerned about it or the fact that he probably wasted his life following Xehanort for nothing. He just said he “awakened to a new purpose”. Oh well, I’ll just focus on becoming stronger, lol. Whatever. We all know people don’t just randomly “awaken to a new purpose”. Xehanort assigns them their purpose.

Who knows. Maybe the “imaginary” person was supposed to be Lea originally. If Isa was Subject X, his memory would have been extremely fragmented. Maybe Xehanort was able to convince him that Lea never existed. He was just someone Isa imagined. Or his memory of Lea was just created in the Datascape or something. Roxas’s final straw was finding out that his best friends never existed---they were just data. Maybe that was the final straw to break Isa mentally. That’s when he “awakened to a new purpose”. In other words, Isa went to the Realm of Seep, then Saïx (Xehanort’s heart and mind) took over.

Had she been moved? Had we simply imagined her? Lea and I knew there was only one way to be certain. And so we stand before the castle gates today, not as trespassing children but in order to become Ansem the Wise’s newest apprentices.

I dunno. But I just cannot get over the fact that even in canon, Saïx/Isa thought that he imagined this girl. And it was not mentioned once, but TWICE! He thought he might have been imagining her even when they were kids, LOL! Honestly, I almost thought this girl was purposely written to seem retconned and shoehorned in at that point. It was one of the worst exposition dumps I’ve ever seen. EVER. Hey remember that girl we were reaaaally close friends with, but never mentioned until JUST now? The one we joined the bad guys for? Are you sure she really existed, bro?

I was so baffled that the game was telling me in one breath that this girl was sooo important to Isa that he sacrificed everything for her. Yet in the next breath…he wasn’t sure if she even existed. I mean, what the hell!? How are those two things compatible? That makes him seem very…mentally unwell. He was voluntarily doing icky jobs for Xemnas—so many that even Mr. Dirty Work Assassin Axel couldn’t keep up (yikes). He became Xemnas’s right-hand man! He sold his soul! All for someone who…might have been a figment of his imagination. It still makes it sound like he was mind-controlled. Nobody in their right mind would act that way.

When Roxas was having his “7 Days” experience, he saw a lot of things that nobody else could. He saw Naminé, for instance. He fell off the clock tower, but then later thought he must have imagined it. Roxas’s “hallucinations” were never treated as something casual like with Isa/Saïx and Subject X. His friends became very worried about him. It was a pretty big plot point.

There actually might have been a connection to Naminé. Subject X is mentioned while Ansem is brought to the Haunted Mansion and looked at the window that Roxas saw Naminé in. I’m sure Roxas had doubts whether Naminé was real or if he just imagined her. If Isa was being experimented on, drugged and/or tortured, he’d be in a similar mental state to Roxas.

I dunno. I just don’t think it makes very much sense that BOTH Lea and Isa repeatedly spoke to some imprisoned girl, they both decided to free her, risked their lives becoming apprentices for her, gave up their morals for her, then they BOTH thought they imagined her later. If Isa thought he imagined her, speaking to Lea (who also spoke to her) should dispel those doubts. But when Saïx said that he thought he might have imagined her, Lea didn’t exactly refute him.

When I first played KH3, I just could not fathom how something that stupid became canon. I think it must have had some basis in the original story. Because there was no reason to include a detail like that. None whatsoever. Unless it was to explain why no one ever bothered to mention her before, lol. That’s honestly what I thought at first. But I think it had to be more than just that.

Let’s ignore the fact that Isa gave up his life for this girl. Even if it was dark, it’s still very abnormal to have an interaction with someone and then later question if it was real. You’d usually have to be on drugs to have an experience like that. Like LSD or DMT or something. And LSD is a hallucinogen that was frequently used in real life mind control experiments.

Or you’d have to be very mentally and emotionally stressed out to the point where you lose touch with reality. That’s what happened to Roxas when he was looking for Xion. Plus, he was already affected by Sora, so he was dreaming and seeing visions a lot. It makes a lot more sense for Roxas to imagine seeing Xion because he already was close to her. Lea and Isa had no reason to imagine a total stranger. That’s just bizarre.

Roxas sat down next to him like usual, and opened his mouth. “Today… I went to the beach on a mission.” He took a bite of his ice cream. “I think I saw a girl who looked a lot like Xion…”

Axel stared at Roxas. Roxas’ eyes were a little glazed.

“But, maybe it was my imagination… I don’t really know. To be honest, I'm not even sure today's mission really happened.” Roxas bit his ice cream again. “I feel like I just woke up from a dream or something.”

It looks like Xion’s disappearance has had a deep effect on Roxas.

Roxas kept speaking, without looking at Axel. “This is gonna sound crazy, but you know how we promised each other we’d all go to the beach?“

“Yeah.”

I couldn’t help but notice Axel’s reaction on Day 276. Roxas said he thought he might have imagined seeing Xion because he wanted to see her so badly. In the novel, it made it seem even more like Axel could personally relate to how Roxas felt. It seemed like Axel knew what it was like to lose touch with reality just because you wanted to see someone really badly.

“Well, I think I only saw her there because I wanted her to be there.”

Roxas looked unwaveringly toward the sinking sun.

I should—resign myself, shouldn’t I… Definitely.

Axel stood up leisurely, and stretched wide. Then he said, “…Shall we go look for her?”

“Huh?”

After Roxas said that, Axel looked away with a deeply troubled look on his face. It definitely looked like he was remembering going through something similar to what Roxas was going through. He was thinking that it was probably a bad idea to suggest looking for Xion. But I think he knew exactly what Roxas was feeling, so he suggested it anyway.

Roxas finally looked at Axel. Axel smiled at him.

“Tomorrow, after our missions, let’s look for Xion before we come here.”

“Mm… yes, let’s do that!” Roxas nodded, and stood up like Axel. Then he smiled.

I wonder when the day will come that the three of is will go to the beach… Axel thought suddenly, seeing that smile, and to deny the next thought that floated up, he stared at the sun.

He knew that they were never gonna get to go to the beach. But he hid that from Roxas. Destiny Islands was where Roxas and Xion remembered the sound of the waves. It was special to them. And the equivalent for Lea seemed to be the image of a sunset and eating ice cream.

“We’ve gotta make it to the beach next year,” Olette murmured, watching the sunset.

Hayner leaned forward. “Yeah. Better get jobs the second vacation starts.”

Next year… Right. Next year there would be another summer vacation. This one was almost over, but they’d have next year to try again. Letting his mind wander, Roxas found that the perfectly obvious fact cheered him up.

Roxas saw the ghost train that nobody else did on Sunset Hill. Roxas was able to see it because he missed the trip to the beach, and DiZ knew he really wanted to see it. And Roxas said he imagined that he saw Xion because he wanted to see her. They promised to go to the beach together. I wonder if there was a connection to Axel knowing they’d never get to go to the beach that day, and saying he really wanted to see someone on Sunset Hill, where the ghost train appeared. In the novel this scene where Naminé goes with Axel actually took place on...the beach.

Axel still hadn’t reported that Xion was with Riku, even to Saïx. As to why, he was asking himself the same question.

That’s why I could suggest to Roxas that we look for her, though. That’s resolution, and resignation, and then what? Friendship? Axel’s mouth twisted, remembering that word.

I’m still unsure somehow. I’m worrying over what is the best thing to do. Will I find the answer someday?

There had to be some backstory to how Lea could use dark corridors, even as a a human. I definitely think Axel had been in Roxas’s shoes before, searching desperately for a friend, which is why he went to search for Xion with him. I definitely don’t think he was that obsessed with finding a random girl he wasn’t sure existed. It had to be somebody else. After the test subjects were released, maybe Lea was so depressed that Isa was missing, he had weird dreams or hallucinations. He wanted to see Isa so badly it led him to open a dark corridor to Twilight Town.

Donald: Uncle Scrooge!?

Sora: Er, who?

Goofy: He’s Donald’s uncle—a business typhoon! Before the Heartless showed up, he traveled the worlds on a Gummi Ship with the King. He was helpin’ to set up a traffic system.

Donald: A transit system!

I think Isa was Subject X and was probably taken to Twilight Town after Ansem discovered the experiments. Perhaps King Mickey was the one who suggested that Isa would be safe in Twilight Town. The King probably was aware of its existence. After all, he and Scrooge must have went there, since sea-salt ice cream is sold there. It must have been a part of his business transit system. So, it’s very possible we would have gotten backstory of how sea-salt ice cream existed in Twilight Town, like it does in Radiant Garden. And the ice cream may have been another reason Twilight Town was special to Axel.

Riku: Let’s go.

Axel: Go where? It’s not like we have homes to return to. We don’t exist, remember?

Naminé: Yes, it’s true. We may not have homes. But there is someplace I want to go… And someone I want to see…

Axel: Same here.

In the manga, Axel was even trying to teach Naminé how to use the corridors of darkness while they were talking on Sunset Hill, right before they had the conversation about wanting to see someone. And dark corridors can only be opened by people with very strong sentiments, like hatred or…wanting to see someone very badly, like the Beast. It doesn’t prove anything, but I did find interesting because it was a little bit random.

Kairi: Who are you?

Axel: Axel. I happen to be an acquaintance of Sora’s. Why don’t we go see him?

Kairi: …Sora?

Axel: We’ve got something in common, Kairi. You and I both miss someone we care about. Hey, I feel like we’re friends already.

In KH3D, Lea also used the dark corridors while looking for Isa. Mickey told him that was reckless.

Axel: Somehow I just knew you’d be here. I tell ya, Kairi, you’ve got a lot of guts, jumping right into the darkness like that.

In KH2, Axel said that he knew Kairi would be in Twilight Town and that she had a lot of guts jumping into the darkness like that. She and Axel had a lot in common because they both wanted to see someone that they missed very badly. Maybe they also had a lot in common since they both just jumped right into the darkness to see the person they missed.

So basically, I think Axel was desperately searching for someone in his past and that led him into being an organization member. But it definitely wasn’t Mystery Girl X. And I think Isa was desperately wanting to see someone that he thought he might have imagined. But it wasn’t Mystery Girl X.

#kh saix #kh isa #kh

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propertyxofxmstree · 5 years

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This past week has been amazing 😍

Princess has been a lot more of a dominant in the bedroom and out in public. At this point, I don’t know how I got lucky enough to be owned by her.

She started locking me in the cage more often a few weeks ago. One night I was so hard I cracked open the seam on my CB cage 😳 it was actually pretty painful from pinching. It’s also the second cage I’ve broken, but the first one didn’t hurt me as bad. I might get a third replacement but I would rather get a Vice or go to steel. I have a steel cage that it CB compatible tho...

It does the job, I like the weight, but it doesn’t fit quite right on the CB ring. Occasionally it wiggles enough to pinch me, especially when going up on stairs or steps. Easily fixed with a hair tie around the lock on the middle pin. However I’m looking into a better device for my princess to use on me 😊

She let me fuck her between being locked again and I was so turned on and excited, I couldn’t cum and the things she said to me made my balls swell to a new level. So much that when she checks on HER COCK; she can see the difference and even teases me, and I love it!

Last night after my shower I locked up and she let me sleep with my vibrating plug in, but not on and vibrating, all night.

When I woke this morning she was pressing the button on and off and using her wand on the cage until I made noises that made her laugh, which only made me more dumb for her and more make more noise, and she laughed, rinse and repeat.

When I was finally feeling less like her zombie play thing and just her play thing, she ordered me to the get ready for our day and remove the plug. (I wore the cage all day tho)

And all day she’s been ordering me around with that wicked smile while I make sure to say please and thank you and remember to call her Princess. In the afternoon we went to the “adult only store”. She got a very sexy fishnet top and I got a garter that I’ve wanted for sooo long.

I couldn’t help blushing and being awkward when the people working came up to us with the usual “can I help you”. I also couldn’t help checking out the toys that I hope we get in the future. But too mortified too actually voice it.

Now we’re home, my balls are swollen, full, I’m leaking precum, and I can’t wait to see what she wants me to do for her, or to her, or me. I can’t wait!

‘Might have to change my tumblr from plmicic (Please lock my cock in cage) to happily locked by princess! Hell, I might be lucky enough that she picks the new title.

I love my princess 😍🥰😍

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janiedean · 5 years

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Hi! I just found your blog and hope you don’t mind me asking what you imagine might happen with the whole jonxdany thing? I’ve followed the show mainly for BriennexJamie and Sansa but jonxdany is so... I don’t know how to feel about it at all, it totally throws me. It seems so not like grrm?

uhm, I don’t mind but my opinion is what it is because as I’m concerned *I* personally ship jon with a bunch of people none of which is related to him and one of which is dead #hahahahaha so I have zero investment in jondany but I can tell you that to me, speaking objectively and not going on my feelings or what I want to happen:

when I first read the books I was like ‘nah never going to happen’ because I really didn’t think that they were extremely compatible *and* I also don’t know if jon would be that down with endgame-ing with his aunt given his immense amount of issues;

now the fact that in the show it happened makes me assume that in the book it is going to happen as well but I surely should hope it’s written better than the show - I guess I’m open to grrm selling it but I found that the S7 writing was generally really lacking not just for them and they did fail a lot of the build-up;

that said, taking it at face-value (ie, the writing didn’t convince me but let’s pretend it did what d&d were meaning to establish ie that they didn’t like each other too much at first, were on the fence re their feelings/alliances but we had lingering tension that got resolved the moment he saw she was willing to sacrifice one of her beloved dragons for the well-being of the realm and that she realized that they have to deal with the zombies before anything else and so on), and given that I’m not interested… we’re back at a thing I’ve been saying since forever which I’ll go into in a moment;

now, thing is: I learned from six feet under and various other shows that if a possible endgame ship gets together before the ending of the last season, in the beginning of the last season or at the end of the second-to-last season there’s conflict ahead. like literally no single ship I’ve had that went like that came out of it unscathed. (guys, SIX FEET UNDER WAS ENOUGH TO MAKE ME DISTRUST ANYTHING WRITTEN FOR TV WHERE THAT HAPPENS. and they did it with the ship that they had written in the beginning as PRETTY MUCH LIKELY ENDGAME, sooo XD) the fact that they got together in the last episode of the second-to-last season kind of makes me think it’s not going to be smooth sailing;

tldr: I’ve been saying for months by now that since cersei effectively offed herself on her own by refusing to join the zombie fight and pinning all her chances on euron who has been set up to be killed off by theon before episode two is over and we have six episodes to go, there has to be conflict on the *good* side that can’t be starks vs starks because we’ve done that since S6. now, since jon’s heritage is being revealed the moment he shows up in WF, and if jon is r’s legitimate son dany’s entire claim is suddenly not the strongest in westeros if we agree to a targaryen restoration, then the main conflict (as I explained in the link post) is gonna be, very basically: will they get over it or not and will dany be fine with not being automatically in charge of things if they win and presumably get the iron throne after cersei’s inevitable demise? now: if the answer is no then we have another six feet under situation and I’m honestly offering condolences to anyone invested, if the answer is yes then congrats, we get targaryen restoration with those two ruling most likely because at this point while I have my reservations re jon being gung-ho when it comes to his aunt being his endgame obviously that’s MY thing and I have zero leeway on how d&d or george see it and it’s grrm’s story first and foremost and the show is d&d’s for good or bad, so congratulations if it’s the case;

so: I think there’s gonna be conflict in the *good guys side* when it comes to jondany and in between them as well because I mean ‘oh wow I didn’t know we were AUNT AND NEPHEW WHEN WE GOT TOGETHER’ isn’t exactly the kind of thing that doesn’t at least make you take ten minutes to consider the consequences. I have no idea on how they’ll resolve it and I can’t know until I watch a couple episodes at least. but like, either they work it out and hey, NO SFU 2.0, or they don’t and in that case idk how they’re going to handle that angle but I mean… as far as I’m concerned however this goes jon gets the IT either alone or sharing it with her or 50% of what happened in the books until now was trolling so that’s my two cents. xD

now, I’d just like to state again that I have zero investment in how that ends, I don’t particularly care how they solve it, I don’t actively ship it but I don’t mind if it’s endgame also because I mean guys jon’s never gonna hook up with sam or tormund on screen and ygritte died in S4 I can safely say my jon ships are never gonna be canon so I really don’t have any stakes here so whoever he ends up as long as he’s not miserable whatever XD I just think that they’re going to have a wholeass lot of conflict in the season also because of when they made it canon (and tbh at this point I’m glad jb hasn’t been until now xDDD) but I’m saying it because it’s what happens 99% of the time when people in dramas get together before the very ending, not because I don’t want it to be endgame or anything. XD peace, I know it wasn’t really an answer with REAL QUESTIONS but as stated my interests are elsewhere rn xD

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #idek if i should tag this anti or not????#ah well #anti-jonerys #I MEAN IT'S NOT INTENDED THAT WAY but dslkgjkdlks #anyway I'm for ship and let ship regardless my feelings are generally #I CARE MORE ABOUT OTHER THINGS XD #Anonymous #ask post #also I forgot but like my only dany ship LITERAL is dany/jorah so #AS YOU SEE IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GETTING IT GOOD REGARDLESS XD

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jiminandlemonade-blog · 6 years

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I Can’t Fall In Love Without You - Part 4

I Can’t Fall In Love Without You

Jungkook series

Part 4 of 5

(A heart warming/tear jerker series)

Read the previous part here

AN: I am sooo sorry this took so long. I originally wrote this part and I hated it. To make up for it, this is 5k words. I’m so busy at the moment with work but I PROMISE that part 5 will be up in 2 weeks, if not, spam my ASK.

To the anon that spammed me every day for the past 2 weeks to post this, this one is for you x

"Y-you're in a group with Tae?” you asked, gasping slightly at the start of the question but trying to hide it so that it did not look as if it were that big of a deal. “Ahh.. Tae, I see how it is. Nickname basis” Jungkook stated. He seemed slightly pissed off, but tried to hide it. However, you knew him too well. He turned around slightly and slowly started walking. It was as if cogs were ticking in his head, thinking about what might have gone on. “I’m sorry Y/N, but have you been dating my band mate?” he quickly questioned, shooting around as he was backing away.

“Jungkook, you haven’t listened to me at all these past few months, have you? Remember when I told you that I won most compatible with someone in school? It was Taehyung. I told you I went out on the date and you didn’t seem to care, it was with Ta-” “I didn’t seem to care Y/N because I didn’t think I would have anything to worry about” he said, cutting you off. “Jungko-”. “No Y/N, for once.. Please hear me out first. I never thought I would have to worry about it because I knew I was coming over here. I knew I would be seeing you. I didn’t think you’d love another man. I didn’t think you’d be going on dates with another-” you kissed him.

“Please. For once, hear me out second. I don’t love another man. I didn’t use him, not at all. But I thought I had lost you. I enjoyed his company. He filled a small part of the void from you that was left when I moved. We said we’d never be apart but you were so distant. I told you about me being picked as most compatible with the most popular boy in school and you didn’t care. You didn’t even flinch or do a double take when I told you. Then I told you about the date and there was no reaction either. How was I supposed to know your reasonings? I genuinely thought you didn’t care about me anymore Jungkook. I didn’t think you were even in love with me anymo-” he kissed you back.

As you both came away from the kiss, you heard the door open and saw you parents standing in the door way with a smirk written all over their faces. They knew what had just happened. “JUNGKOOK!” your mother smiled, reaching out to bring him in for an embrace. “You have no idea how much this family has missed you, especially that one over there” she laughed, pointing at you. You nudged her back for using such a parent tactic on the boy you were so obviously in love with.

“Jungkook” your father said in a firm tone, reaching out his hand to shake his. This was not like your Father at all.. “I’m only kidding, come here!” he joked, taking his hand to Jungkook’s back and pulling him for an awkward bro hug.

“Why are you here?” you father asked. Jungkook gulped. “Oh well um-” he started. “Dad.. I’m so sorry but he can’t tell you. Just trust me. I will get him to tell you when the time is right, just not right now. He legally can’t” you explained. “He legally can’t?” your mother questioned. You and Jungkook nodded. “And you’re an exception to this rule are you Y/N?” your father asked. You giggled and replied with a nod of the head. “And why is that?” your mother asked. Jungkook stopped in his tracks as he reached over from a banana in the fruit bowl. “It’s because I need her. I don’t think I could ever fall in love without her” he smiled at you.

“You’re in love with my daughter?” your Father acted out in a protective father sort of way. “Oh Y/F/N, stop teasing them. You knew they were both in love with each other” your mother laughed, punching your father on the shoulder. “Don’t let him go Y/N, he’s one of the best” your mother stated, winking as she lent over you to reach for an apple. “And you, Jungkook. Don’t let her go Jungkook, she’s one of the best” your Father stated, trying to assert his dominance. “For God’s sake Y/F/N, stop the act now.. Let's just go”. Your Father was that type of person, he wasn’t strict, he just liked to pretend to be and couldn’t help but laugh about it afterwards. “Don’t worry Sir, I won’t” Jungkook shouted as your parents left you two alone by going in the living room upstairs.

Days had passed before you saw Jungkook again. He was so busy training that you hardlies got to see him, but it was so much better now that you knew his secret and were able to talk on the phone during practice. "Jungkook-ah, who's that?" You heard a familiar voice. "Jungkook, don't tell him" you shot back quickly. "Ur, no one" he stammered. "It obviously is" the familiar voice said, the voice getting louder as he was walking closer to Jungkook. "Taehyung, seriously, it's nobody" Jungkook replied. Ouch. Even though you know he was only doing it to protect you, that stung a bit.

Jungkook only had a few more days until he was announced as part of the new band for BigHit Entertainment. You were so proud of him, but you were so scared at the same time. You understood that he had a lot to do, a lot to prepare for and ultimately, this was going to be his life now. He tried to keep in contact with you as much as he could. It was a little bit more than the contact he kept with you when he was back in y/c, but it still wasn't as much as you liked.

"Please be there" he gasped, running into your room. You didn't notice him, you were facing the window in the opposite direction, thinking about life with your headphones in. To say he gave you a fright when he tapped you on the shoulder was an understatement. You jumped out of you skin.

"I'm sorry to scare you Y/N" he giggled, "but.. I really want you to be there tomorrow" he stated. "Jungkook.. Oh my, I'm so sorry but I have a job interview tomorrow. If you told me sooner I could have rearranged bu-" he cut you off with an "I understand". You didn't know that he would be allowed anyone at the reveal, he didn't know it either. It threw you both off guard and you felt shit but Jungkook did truly understand and wouldn't let his debut get in the way of your job interview.

"It's at the jewellery store you admire isn't it?" He grinned. You always spoke about a beautiful jewellery shop in your local shopping mall. Everything was so expensive, but you couldn't help but admire it every time you went past. "Yea. I researched about the brand and how they get their diamonds. It's 100% above board and nobody is exploited in their part of the diamond trade. The options for growth are tremendous" you explained. "Will it help you become a diamond assessor?" Jungkook asked, knowing it had always been your dream job. You nodded, a smile sneaking across your face.

The next day came and you were full of nerves for both yourself and Jungkook. Everyone from home was going to realise what was going on and you weren't sure that you were ready for them to know. But whether you were ready or not, it was happening.

Jungkook's debut and your job interview were happening at the same time. You couldn't help but tap your feet outside of the interview door as you were trying not to be spotted on your phone. Nothing. No messages, no tweets, nothing. They hadn't been unveiled yet, but it was your turn to be interviewed.

You thought the interview was a success. You honestly couldn't think about anything else other than the possibility you could have got your dream job, so when you turned on your phone and got hundreds of messages, you were slightly taken aback.

"Shit!" You murmured out loud as you ran to the car. You didn't have time to connect your phone to the bluetooth speaker, so you called Jungkook and put your phone on loud speaker as it lay on your left speaker. "Pick up, pick up" you kept ushering as you were stuck at traffic lights. "For fucks sake Jungkook!".

You exhaled deeply, realising what you had to do. You picked up the phone, dialling the number you hadn't called in a while. "Taehyung, thank God you answered! Is Jungkook okay? Is everything okay?" You asked in a rush fashion. "Um Y/N.. Jungkook is okay. Why are you calli- oh, this all makes sense" he realised. "So you're the girl who gets Jungkook in a panic when we question him about his love life? And he's the best friend you've always been in love with..." He trailed off. "I'm sorry Taehyung" you sighed, slumping back in your car seat as you reached another set of traffic lights. "Don't worry about me, I'm fine" he laughed. "Oh yeah, Jungkook's fall was a bit nasty. He's on his way to the local hospital to get checked over but he's fine" Taehyung tried to reassure you. "The one on the main street? I'm on my way" you said, speeding up. "Y/N.. You can't do that" Taehyung stated. You were confused, why couldn't you? You remained silent. "They're going to think you're a crazed fan who's turned up at the hospital, they would never let you in".

He was right. Is that who you were always going to be? A 'crazed' fan? You couldn't help but make your way to the hospital, but the idea of not being allowed in and looking stupid in front of the hospital staff as you demanded you knew Jungkook caused you to not want to leave the car.

And for the next 2 years, that's all you ever were. Someone who knew Jungkook. Someone who was in love with Jungkook.

This was the 3rd argument that you and Jungkook had got into today about how you were always kept a secret. "I don't understand why people can't know I'm in your life Jungkook! Nobody will suspect anything. Why do I have to be a secret? When I want to see you, why do I have to wait for YOU to be ready? Why can't I just show up unannounced? It's driving me crazy!" You spluttered all at once.

You must have been shouting loudly because for the 3rd time today, your parents shut their bedroom door. They knew your struggles, but they also understood Jungkook's side aswell. They had tried their hardest for you both to see sense, but they weren't getting through to you both, so they remained out of it.. As far away from it as they could.

"Y/N, if it were me, you know I would parade around with you but it's not up to me. It's management! I'm in a clause Y/N.. I can't break that. We're only now starting to make our mark on the world and I don't want to jeopardise –no Y/N, that's not what I meant.. I'm sorry!" He stumbled over his words. "You think that having me in your life publicly would jeopardise you? Get out. Now." You demanded, walking over to the front door and opening it. "Y/N, that's not what I meant" he stated, slamming the front door shut, then quietly apologised in case he woke your parents.

You couldn't help but cry. His words stung. He couldn't help but come over to you and embrace you. You couldn't help but want to push him away, but you couldn't. "I'm sick of us going around in circles, Jungkook. We're not even going in circles anymore, we're just going backwards" you cried into his shoulder. He kept wandering his fingers through your hair and rocking you side to side to try and soothe your tears.

"Y/N, we need to talk about this properly without shouting at each other. Do you promise to hear me out?" Jungkook asked you. You didn't think you were being unreasonable by the things you were saying, you had so much pent up frustration with hardlies seeing him over the past two years that it was like lava flowing from a volcano, fiery and ongoing. You nodded in agreement, taking his hand and over to the couch.

"I'm saying this with so much love Y/N, please don’t interrupt me. Can you remember on my debut when I went to the hospital because some fans got too excited and ended up pushing me over? Well think of that but on a much larger scale. If you were in there, they wouldn't care. They are trying to get to me, you would be in the mob and you would get hurt. I completely and utterly refuse for that to happen to you. Imagine if they knew who you were. They would find out everything about you. They would find where you worked, you might feel forced to leave your job which you adore. Do you not understand I'm only trying to protect you? BigHit don't want us to look like we're dating because we have to seem available, it creates an appeal.. But they don't want you getting hurt either Y/N. Do you know how many times I have tried to talk them into you coming on tour with us? They just can't. They can't let us because of the possibly reprocussions. If I thought back then that I would ever feel as though I was losing us, I would never have taken the job and-" you cut him off.

"Jungkook, never ever say that you would go back and change things for me. This is your life now-" and then he cut you off. "But you were my life and I feel as though I replaced it." He said, looking down into his lap. You shuffled over to give him a hug. "You understand my frustrations don't you Jungkook? All I want to do is to be able to be with you and I can't because nobody knows about me. Even our friends and families are forced to keep it a secret that we actually know each other. I see you winning awards and all I want to do is run over and kiss you to say congratulations." Jungkook spat out the hot chocolate he was drinking all over the table infront of you. Usually he would have cleaned it up and deeply apologised but what you had said just threw him off.

"Y-you would run over and kiss me?" Jungkook questioned. "Oh Jungkook. Don't tell me that you think I'm like ARMY who think you're afraid of girls or know nothing about us. That's what I want to be able to do, run over and kiss you to congratulate you on your award." You didn't understand what was so funny as Jungkook was laughing back at you.

He stood up, ran to the kitchen to get some cleaning equipment and cleaned the table as you were staring at him in bewilderment. You just told the love of your life you wanted to kiss him and he's cleaning the table? He was bizarre. But then thoughts were running through your mind. Does he not love you anymore?

"Y/N, 2 hours. Be ready okay?" He questioned, rushing over to you and kissing you on the top of the head to say goodbye. "Be ready? Where are we going?" You asked confused. "Wrap up warm Y/N, please" he smiled, running out of the door. You could hear him speeding down the stairs. What was this boy up to?

As you were getting ready, your Mother popped her head around your open door. "Mind if we have a bit of girl talk?" She asked. "If it involves me getting upset, no. I have just done my foundation" you laughed. She laughed back at you. "Nothing like that Y/N. I just want you to know that me and your Father know what's going on. We know you love each other a lot and this is all so frustrating. You have told me things, even Jungkook has told me things, but you two never seemed to understand each other through all of the shouting and fights. I don't like to call it a fight. Bickering? You would bicker for 10 minutes and then the rest of the day, you would be back to normal. But I'm concerned about your normal. I don't want your normal to be missing him constantly Y/N. I really do understand where you're coming from. You know me and your Father went 1 year without being together when he moved for work. It's so hard. I want you to be careful. Jungkook is a wonderful man and I can't wait to see what the future holds for you both but I'm just scared for you in the present, I don't want your heart to break because of time and distance."

"You told me that you wouldn't make me cry" you chuckled slightly, flicking away the tear that rolled down your cheek. "Is he taking you somewhere nice?" Your mother said, trying to change the conversation. "I'm not sure. He just told me to wrap up warm". "Okay, well you do that" she said, tapping you on the shoulder as she went to walk out of the room.

"Mom.. I trust him you know. I love him with every inch of my being" you smiled. She smiled back. "I know you do Y/N, like I said.. It's time and distance that scares me". Her smile suddenly going back to a pained expression. "Do you want me to tell you what Jungkook told me about a year ago? We had a similar fight and it ended up me crying about how many exact miles he was going to be away from me when he went on tour and do you know what he said? 'It's only numbers Y/N. Nobody should be scared of numbers. Everything with numbers can be solved'". You couldn't help but reminise back on the memory that you shared then. Your heart was breaking when he was about to go on tour, but those words were like the glue to hold your heart together until he came back. "I knew I liked him for a reason" your Mother said, smile returning.

The 2 hours had passed and even though Jungkook usually was never on time, he was this time. You opened the front door wearing some jeans, your favourite boots, a cream coloured thick turtle neck jumper with a long line khaki waterfall coat. "How come when I say to dress for somewhere that's cold, you still manage to look amazing?" Jungkook asked. These were the first words to stumble out of his mouth when you opened the door and it nearly caused your heart to stumble out of your mouth. You couldn't help but blush. "Oh, these are for you" he smiled, handing you over a boquet of your favourite flowers. "Jungkook, what are these for?" You asked confused. "No reason.." He smiled back.

He led you down the stairs to his car and couldn't wait to show you what he had prepared. "What's all this?" You giggled, looking at the mountain of food in the back of his car. "Last year after the tour, you told me you wanted to go the Han River, just me and you with a whole lot of food.. So that's what we're doing" he said. You were squealing on the inside but tried to remain cool.

Once you arrived, Jungkook pulled up to a secluded spot which was decked with fairy lights. "Jungkook, we can't park here.. I think somebody has prepared this for someone" you suggested, concerned. "Yes they have, it's for you" he smiled, turning to face you as he unbuckled his seat belt. Your heart was getting lower and lower into the pit of your stomach. This whole scenario felt as though you recognised it but you were unsure how.

"I hope this doesn't sound strange but what is it you want to do after this?" He asked, as he munched on an array on foods he had prepared earlier. "I'm not sure, I just want to spend the time with you that I've got." You smiled back. He exhaled loudly. "I thought you would say something like that. I don't want this to sound weird and you don't have to say yes but I thought, obviously you cant come back to the dorms and your Dad would possibly flip if he found me getting a glass of water in your house at 4am.. So I've booked us a room. You don't have to say yes but-" "Yes... Yes. Yes. Yes. Woah, that sounded overly eager. I didn’t mean it like that. I just want to be with you and talk, I don't want to have to go home and text you when I could be with you if you understand what I mean?" You blushed intensely at what you had just said. "I understand" Jungkook laughed back.

After eating as much as you both could possibly handle and watching the dark sky flood the landscape of Seoul, Jungkook put the car into reverse and drove you to the Park Hyatt, a beautiful hotel overlooking the whole of Seoul. Unfortunately, you were a secret. You had to enter the front of the building, whilst Jungkook entered from the back. You were stood on the 4th floor, waiting for a text to find where your room was. Jungkook took forever to text you back. For a moment, you thought he had forgot about you.

Jungkook: Go as far up as the lift will take you. Turn right, go through the white door and press the green buzzer.

You followed what he said, but couldn't help but gawp in awe at the beautiful decorations and architecture of the building. After pressing the green buzzer, another door opened. "Jungkook, what is this?" You gasped. You were in the penthouse suite. In the background was the landscape of starry Seoul, with the Han River lit up. The interior was white and grey but still cosy, an aesthetic blogger's dream. But in the foreground was what meant most to you. Jungkook.

"You still don't remember yet, do you?" He asked you. You shook your head as he took your hand into yours. "6 months ago, you got very drunk at Taehyung's girlfriend's house. Taehyung was there due to it being his time off but I was still at the dorms recording. I got a phone call from Taehyung said he was concerned about you because of the things you were saying. You were constantly saying that you missed me, you hated that I was never by your side-" your face instantly looked down as memories of the night came flooding over you. Jungkook put his hand under your chin and lifted your face up "it's okay," Jungkook assured you, "You then got in the car with me and must have thought I was someone else. You constantly kept saying how all you wanted was to go to the Han River with me surrounded by fairy lights in a car with so much food you could explode. Then you wanted to be whisked away to the penthouse suite of the Han River.. And then there was the rest. Do you remember?" He asked, looking for some endearment.

You did. You couldn't stop shaking. "Oh gosh" you exhaled. "I said that I wanted you to tell me that you love me". As you said that Jungkook said "I love you" in unison. The grip around Jungkook's hand went tighter from your fist. "You can't just say this to me Jungkook and not mean it" you said, heart racing. "Y/N, I mean it. I always have meant it, I've just never said it since.. Since you left to move to Korea." He couldn't help but smile at you, he finally admitted his feelings. "I don't want to hide this as much as you do Y/N, I've not only had to protect your heart but my heart too. It sucks to be so in love with someone but you can't even tell the world." "You're in love with me?" You replied back quickly.

His face went bright red. He nodded. "Jungkook, I've always been in love with you" you admitted. He didn't look surprised, just happy. "Y/N, I've always known. I just want to hear that forever" he chuckled. "I'm in love with you" you repeated.

You both didn't know what to do in the moment, you were standing infront of each other, hand's clasped together whilst the view of Seoul was his backdrop. "The flowers?..." You quickly remember, was that for a particular reason. He nodded. "You remembered. Y/N, it's been 4 years since.." "Oh my word, since I left" "And since we told each other that we loved each other. Although it's always been implied, I'm never going to go a day without telling you". You were speechless. This side of Jungkook, you adored. He wasn't like this with anyone else, just you.

You couldn’t believe all of the things he had just said. Going over them in your head caused your mouth to drop. Jungkook took prime opportunity of that. One hand let go of yours and cusped your chin, bringing it closer to his face, leading in for a kiss. The kiss was full of promise and longing and you knew you never wanted it to end. When it did, you both didn’t take your faces away from each other. You just silently took in the moment.

"I can't remember saying that when I was drunk" you laughed, implying about how today was what you wished for when you drank a bit too much at Taehyung's girlfriend's house. "You did" Jungkook admitted. "WHAT?!" You squealed, stepping back and putting your hands to your mouth. "Did I actually say that?!" You squealed louder, even word getting more and more high in pitch. Jungkook laughed. "And guess what?" He questioned. "I kissed you". You froze. "Wait, are you on about now or in the car?" "In the car" he smiled. "YOU KISSED ME AND I NEVER KNEW?! JUNGKOOK!" You were in disbelief. "It was a beautiful kiss," he smiled "a bit like the one we just had". His voice went slightly sultry and he put his hand out towards you, pulling you in closer. "Alexa, play some soft music" he said out loud. The machine did as it was told. "Y/N, kiss me" he softly demanded. You did as you were told. You were more than happy to oblige.

The kiss was long and more passionate than the first. The kiss was becoming more passionate by the minute. Tongues were swirling but in sync, hands were touching places you had only ever accidently touched before and hair was being slightly pulled and tousled.

You could tell Jungkook was holding back, you were always able to read him, s you took the first step. You started to walk backwards towards the king size bed, grabbing onto his shirt and pulling him with you. You pulled him forcefully so he would fall on top of you onto the bed, but not so much to hurt you.

All of this passion was getting slightly too much for you to handle. You moved yourself up onto the bed, being propped up by the amount of pillows that were on top, Jungkook moved next to you and hoisted you on top of him with all the strength he had left. The kissing and passion really had left you both breathless.

You couldn't think of anything in that moment other than you and him. It felt right. It felt like everything you had fought over had been worthless in this moment. You were both in love, why let anything stop it?

As you were kissing on top of him, you felt Jungkook's hands all over your body, starting to wander closer to more 'sacred' places. Every time he moved an inch closer, your passion for him was longing and he felt it in every staggering breath you were taking between kisses.

You rolled over with such force, you caused him to be on top of you. "Jungkook-" you breathed heavily as he got very close to your inner thigh. "Do you want me to stop?" He asked, worried. "No Jungkook-," you panted, "just the opposite". Both of your breathing was fast, and it only got faster from the both of you at the idea of what was to come.

Jungkook was taking over you, blocking the view of the room. "Are you sure?" Jungkook asked sensitively, tucking a loose bit of hair behind your ear from all of the kissing. "I've never been more sure about anything" you smiled.

Let's just say, it was a night you were never going to forget in a hurry.

The next morning, the sun was bellowing through the windows as you heard Jungkook's voice. It took you a while to realise he wasn't in bed next to you but pacing backwards and forwards in the corridor, talking on the phone in hushed voices. "No, not now. I'm refusing. Sorry no. My life is only getting back on track. I have what I want" you heard him mutter down the phone with anger. "Fine, I'm coming but don't expect me to go along with your every demand. Thanks for ruining everything". As he walked in, you moved the quilt up to your chin. "Jungkook, is everything okay?" You asked, concerned. "Y/N, please listen to me." Oh shit, this didn't sound good.

"I'm sorry, I need to go" Jungkook quickly rushed out, picking up his clothes. He came over to you, kissing you longingly on the lips. As the kiss broke, he immediately put on his pants and trousers and ran around the room trying to find his socks. "Here Jungkook" you said, picking a sock up from underneath the blanket. "I promise I'll explain later. I'm sorry. I love you. Please give me another kiss" he requested. You gave him one. But why did this one seem like goodbye? What was this, running away from you after you two had just had sex? Millions of questions were running through your head.

As you saw the sun rise over Seoul, you wondered whether the sun had set in certain aspects of your life...

2 weeks later:

The pain was just too much. "You can't date Jungkook, you can't even come to see me. I have been waiting for you since you came to Korea over 2 years ago. I can't be in the same city as you but not be able to see you. That's too hard. I need to think about all of this. If you let me go now, you might not have to let go of me forever.."

MASTERLIST

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heartdriven · 6 years

Text

I need some advice. Please.

I know I have some lovely mutuals on here, who listened to a lot of the problems I had in the last 8 years. And I know some of you are nearly or already in your 30s or 40s. I think the ridiculous wall of text, that’ll follow is more directed at you guys (even though I’m not ruling out some great thoughts from younger people).

I’m 36 years old. I’m still quite puzzled when I see that number, because I feel a lot younger. And not in the sense, that I have sooo much energy and youthful looks (noooo, god no…) but rather in a way, that I don’t feel like a grown-up. I often feel like I still don’t have my shit together. I function ok in life, but I feel I lack so many grown-up-skills and urges. Like the urge to start a family.

I know I never had a real mommy gene. Kids were never a must for me. Depending on my current mood I’d even say I never want kids. They don’t fit my lifestyle… too much responsibility… I don’t want to bring a kid into THIS world (although the last one is a kind of lame excuse in my case to have the circumstances around me make a pseudo decision for me).

Now, if you know me a bit and I know some of you here do, because we’ve been following each other across many social platforms for at least 6-8 years, you might know that I’m in a relationship. Alex and I have been together for 5 1/2 years now and even though we are not fully compatible (extrovert-introvert problems), we have a lot of beautiful things in our life. We have a big ass flat, enough money to live very comfortably and to travel at least twice a year and we love each other.

Just to give you some context: Alex has a son from his previous relationship. He is ten by now and lives with his Mom. Alex became a father very young (at least by my standards). He didn’t want to have a kid in his early 20s, but he’s been there for the kid nevertheless and even now that he lives a bit further away, he still makes a huge effort to see him a couple of times a month.

When we first got together, he always said he might want another kid, further down the line, although he wasn’t quite sure. That was exactly my position, too. And it was nice knowing, that I had options with this man… further down the line. When we got together, I knew I had around 5-6 years to decide what I wanted. Now those years have passed and the last 2 years I’ve been worrying, that I can’t decide.

I’m HORRIBLE at making decision and having a kid is like a huge change. I mean, even when everything goes smoothly, you are responsible for another human’s well-being for 18+ years. Everything in your life has to come second from now on. And that’s only when everything goes smoothly. What if you have a really really difficult kid? What if you suffer from post natal depression? What if your kid is sick or disabled? That’s a lot of „what if“s if you ask me. And I marvel at people who take the risk, because they somehow know the good will outweigh the bad (but will it really for me?). So that was my internal struggle for the last years. Alex always told me, he doesn’t rule out anything, but I would have to make up my mind. And whenever I heard him say that I felt so so helpless, because I can’t make that decision on my own. I always felt having a kid should be a decision you make together with your partner.

All those mixed emotions went into overdrive around two weeks ago. One of my fave co-workers just got a baby and she’s 39… so I though: Well, look at her. I still have time, too. And then she came by with the little baby and her husband the other day and after that visit I was in turmoil. I looked at those three and I’m so ashamed to say it, but I was so jealous. I was happy for her, she deserves all good things coming her way, but I looked at them and I wanted that too. And I know, that getting such a small glimpse into other people’s relationships is often not a truthful representation of what the relationship is really like, but try to reason with primal feelings like that. It’s impossible.

So the last week I wanted to talk to Alex again. Not that I made a decision, but just to let him know what that visit did to me. I didn’t really have the chance to do that. Last night we were out to dinner and I don’t know how that topic came up, but suddenly he said „I’m sure I don’t want another kid“. And that was that.

I always thought having something outside my reach make the decision for me (like the doc telling me I can’t have kids or like Alex telling me he doesn’t want any), would make things easier and maybe in the long run it will, but suddenly all the doors were shut and there was only one path in life left for me. Because it’s absolutely clear for my that I NEVER want to force a kid on someone who doesn’t want one. I believe it’s bad for everyone involved, but especially for the kid. And even if I would made up my mind tomorrow and the urge was suddenly so strong that I want to be a mother, what then? Leave my boyfriend to find someone else?! Sounds like a really great plan at fucking 36, especially considering how much of a man-magnet I am…

One of the worst thoughts and one that had been torturing me for years now, is how my parents feel about this. Don’t get me wrong… they are the BEST parents you can imagine. They would never ever in a million years guilt trip me into having children. They didn’t even ask me once if I wanted to have any. Not a peep. And yet I feel they would love being grandparents. They have worked so hard their entire life to ensure I have a great and comfortable life. When they will be gone someday (hopefully a looooong way away), they will not only have left me with a lot of emotional support throughout my life, but also with enough money to not have to worry too much. And they built it all from scratch and just for our family. And somehow it makes me incredibly sad, that I don’t have anyone to give it to, when I’m gone. I know it’s not true, but in a way all their effort seem wasted. I know they don’t feel that way, but I can’t help those thoughts.

Maybe it’s just fear of regret? Being old and then looking back wishing I had kids around me? But is that the right reason to have a kid now, when my first and strongest reaction is: Oh shit, I’m so scared of getting pregnant.

I’m full of contradictions. So what now?

The thing is… I WANT to see this as a positive thing. I want to put those thoughts to rest and focus on what lies ahead of me. I know many older women (with and without partners) who are childless and lead great lives. I definitely can see myself there. But sometimes I dream about being a mother too. Probably highly idealized dreams, but they are there.

In my headline I said, I need some advise. I don’t even know what I ask for specifically. Maybe just finding someone who understands what’s going on with me and wants to share some thoughts or insights? I really don’t know. Maybe I just needed to get it out of my system by writing it down. Again, I don’t know.

If you managed to read through all of that, I love you! Thanks for taking the time to do that. It means a lot to me.

#personal

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