#then before they could have a convo he apparently got covid and went to the hospital
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Alone Together - meta/review
This was such a good episode! I think while I thoroughly enjoyed 4x01 and the way that it got us back into the rhythm of things especially with, you know, a pandemic happening, 4x02 got us back into the usual balance of emergency and personal aspects.
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Spoilers below:
The episode begins with news coverage and it’s a good way to jump right into what’s happening and give us a recap to last week. And then we meet the three roommates. I can’t be bothered with remembering their names, but they were fun. The dynamic there is interesting and of course, this leads into some really awesome shots of the Hollywood sign breaking and the mudslide. The whole sequence is such a good opening for the episode and it sets our scene well. While I don’t have any complaints, this emergency is smaller scale to the tsunami and the earthquake of the past two season openings, but that isn’t much of a problem when we consider that they shot this in the middle of a pandemic. So, it works.
What I found most interesting about this episode, and in a way how it continues the stories that were begun in 4x01, is that we delve further into the personal. Not every character is featured heavily, but we get small and big moments with all of them.
Athena:
The struggle that Athena has faced since the end of last season has been handled so well. Her trauma and how it lingers on her and yet doesn’t change how strong and fierce and amazing she is, is amazing to watch. It’s inspiring. Having Athena be right in the midst of everything especially when she wasn’t supposed to be just fits so perfectly. Having her contrast with Sylvia who is afraid of leaving her own house, and having Athena rescue Sylvia and herself and not give up, not even when the voice of dispatch was her daughter asking her to save herself. I just love Athena so damn much. She went through a journey in this episode and while I don’t think that her trauma is over, I think she will push herself to move forward and move past it. If not just for herself, then for May.
I also really appreciated that we got a moment where Athena gives her approval of David by telling Michael that David looks tired. It was such a nice touch. The Athena and Michael relationship has been developed so well from S1, to a place where they are both with other people but can still be family.
And finding out that May made the choice to be a dispatcher over going to school to be about her mom felt absolutely right and I feel so much for both of them and both sides, but I do have to say that May’s outlet for her lack of control in her life/the life of her loved ones is at least healthy and it’s making a difference.
Lastly, I will never not be fond of Bobby and Athena — the way that Bobby was allowed to go search for her personally and that moment when they saw each other. His promise to always search for her. After everything Bobby went through during Athena’s attack, it’s easy to think about how difficult this was for Bobby.
Chimney:
The other big focus of this episode was Chimney. 4x01 set up the living arrangements and it was immediately apparent that while Chimney had his reasons, that he didn’t need to be as set on that. After all we’re told that both Eddie and Hen went back home to their kids, so Chim should have gone home to Maddie and his unborn baby.
It’s nice that we begin this conversation with Buck and Chim, instead of directly involving Maddie. We already know how Maddie feels about this — she misses Chim and wants him around.
Chim’s joke about his “bad joke” being a “dad joke” was perfectly in line with his type of humor and it set us up for the conversation to come in which we learn that Chim’s whole problem is not just concern about the pandemic, but a deeper fear that he won’t be a good parent. His convo with Buck certainly offers some insight into his worry, but also the willingness that Chim has to do absolutely anything necessary for his baby, whose gender the characters and us, the viewers, don’t get to know yet.
The rescues that Chimney and Buck end up going on begin with Chimney — not Buck — hearing a baby crying. And just like with Athena, the emergency itself gives Chim more insight into himself and into his situation and into what he needs to do. He rescues the baby, finds a bunch of pregnant ladies, and then goes on to deliver a baby and while talking to the mother, I think Chim finally gets to understand what the importance that being present for Maddie means.
We get a very sweet moment where Maddie arrives home and finds Chimney already there and the whole thing is just emotional enough both from Chimney’s perspective of just how pregnant Maddie is and Maddie’s surprise and joy to have him there with her. They really are the sweetest together. And by the time that we’re in the closing parts of the episode and we see Maddie and Chimney on a video call with the new roommates — uncles to be Buck and Albelt, it’s clear that they’re settled together and happy and that Chimney knows better than to argue about coffee.
Hen:
Ms. Henrietta Wilson knows how to emote with her eyes. We first see her reactions to Chimney’s bad joke and just her general demeanour and it’s all perfect, and then gets better when she’s reacting to Bobby’s facts about the Hollywood sign. In a liveblog post I said this was very Buck and I stand by it. Not just the rattling of facts, but the need to research a new place in some way.
But where it gets good is when we see Hen in the middle of the drama among the roommates. Hen does so much with just a slight widening of her eyes, or a look in a certain direction. The timing is absolutely perfect and is practically alone in making that scene funny.
Other than these small moments we don’t get much of Hen in this episode, but we do get the sweetest moment towards the end where we get to see Hen and Karen’s daughter, Nia. Not only is this little girl adorable, but with just a couple of lines, I’m sure she’s stolen every viewer’s heart. And to add to this, the love and pride that Karen feels for Hen radiates. I cannot wait for the show to go further into Hen’s experiences on her road to becoming a doctor.
Bobby:
Bobby mostly plays the part of a secondary character to everyone else’s story. We see plenty of him and we learn that he’s the one with facts about the Hollywood sign. Mostly, I enjoyed that he played a part in finding Athena and I think it was an interesting choice to have him keep his composure and be professional. In some ways this relates to May and the conversation that May has with Maddie about the need to put feelings and personal stuff aside to do the job. And yet we know that after what Athena has recently gone through, that none of that could have been easy for Bobby.
Eddie:
Very little Eddie once more. I’m honestly not concerned about it to be honest. I’ve seen a lot of talk about how little he shows up in promo stuff and all that, but I just think it’s important to remember that this is an ensemble show with a rather large cast and that it’s entirely possible focus on his character will come in other episodes. And to consider that he’s one of the characters that was chosen for the cross-over.
But we did get to see minor Buck and Eddie interaction, and more importantly we got to see Eddie and Christopher.
And I think it was so important to bring Carla in, even over video, because she really is a huge part of Chris’ life. It does lead to the question of who is taking care of Christopher while Eddie is at work? How is school being handled for him? And it was just so lovely to see Eddie fall asleep at a bedtime story too.
Buck:
He is just so damn smart. Who would have thought to follow the feedback to find that baby? Buck is the kind of character that takes in the variables and finds a way to problem solve. He’s the kind of smart that you want and need in a crisis. And he’s also very cognizant of what’s going on with Chimney and his sister enough to be able to try and get through to Chimney about how he needs to move back home. I just love the consistency of having Buck be research crazy, quick to figure things out, and still at times a dumbass. It’s what makes him so perfect.
I also appreciate that he’s called out for having too many rules by Albert and I just want to know all about the rules that Buck would impose on those staying at his place other than the sharing of chores that is mentioned in the episode.
I’m also very curious about Buck and his therapist, the covid crush that literally everyone on the internet scoffed at and figured out even before last week’s episode aired. We were all right. It was fun to see all the crazy theories, though. But I do find it interesting that Buck feels he needs to hide the therapist from everyone because that isn’t really about what he and the therapist might be talking about, as much as it is about not wanting to be judged for needing a therapist.
And his feelings are absolutely valid. Not because I think anyone in the 118, or Maddie, will judge him for needing it, but that they do sometimes her pushy with things and wanting to know more — we see that already with the covid crush thing — but I think it’s also to do with not wanting to explain himself and all of this is even more valid with the knowledge that we have about Buck’s parents showing up.
But, the fandom at large has wanted Buck to talk to a professional for a long time, so I think we’re all very happy that he’s getting help. And I’m also very glad that we got the reveal in this episode and it wasn’t drawn out and made out to be something it isn’t for much longer.
Dr. Copeland. They really know how to pick names on 9-1-1, don’t they?
But of the small clip we get to see of her, it is clear that she is helping Buck and Buck begins the therapy session we get to see by admitting that Dr. Copeland might be right about him hiding his true feelings and Buck, holy hell, what does that mean?
Because, it could literally mean anything. It could be about his sexuality and discovery about his romantic feelings about a fellow firefighter. Or it could be that it’s about how much of himself he hides away or doesn’t present to the world in light of, you know, all the trauma that he’s faced and that we’ve all wanted addressed. This could also tie in some way to his past and that doesn’t have to take away from possible reveals about his sexuality. Mostly, it just makes me more and more excited for Buck Begins.
Overall, an excellent episode. I love the things it touches upon and how the show isn’t steering directly into a deep focus on covid and instead giving us these moments of things have changed and this is how it is now from seeing everyone in masks, to seeing Hen going to her class online, and even down to Buck’s therapy happening over a screen. It is excellently handled when it comes to David and Michael and not only in the confirmation that they are living together in spite of the possible contact with the virus, but in how we see them handle that. Michael taking care of his man. All of that was lovely.
The episode closed out on an amazing note, giving us these momentary glimpses into where everyone is and their familial spaces and the love and acceptance felt there and all the small tidbits and hints at what may be coming up.
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Tales from the Ex-Crypt Vol. 8
Well.. This one isn't as much an "ex" as we only ever saw each other twice, but after I explain what happened on the "twice" it will likely be apparent... So consider this one of my "dating misadventures".
We met on Tinder, he was in my area for work, as he's a red seal carpenter and there's tons of trades work going on. We hadn't talked that much, but enough to know we got along and had exchanged numbers. It was a hot Saturday, he decided to call his day early because of the heat and texted me to see what I was up to, and we decided to do a breakfast date after he showered and drove out from the city.
He was much more attractive in person, and had a great personality.. We found a little hole in the wall diner and had brunch with great convo. So we decided to go for a drive, so I could show him some areas he wouldn't see just working in downtown Toronto.
We went to my favourite little fruit orchard winery and did a cider tasting of their new ciders, they were all delicious, so we bought a few to take home. Came back a different route so he'd see even more, then came back to my place and kept talking. When we went to say goodnight, he kissed me, pushing me against the wall and it went from there..
We had such a great time, we made plans to go to the Slipknot concert that was happening a few weeks later.
That turned out to be the completely opposite experience. I got stuck in awful traffic getting to his rental because Waze decided to take me downtown instead of across the north. I was late getting to his place, which didn't even end up being an issue because he wasn't ready when I got there anyways. His bff had come into town and they were partying already.
He brought a backpack and smuggled beers into the venue, had smoked a joint with his buddy and the guys who were also renting rooms at their place before we left.
He was a little belligerent as a drunk, in that he kept wanting to find seats someone didn't show up for instead of just chilling on the lawn where we had tickets to. He had a few beers, and decided to go for a wander to get more. When he came back he was super fucked up, no idea what he did or what he found, but we had to locate each other with selfies and I had to find him. He then ended up deciding he wanted in the pit. We were 4 songs into Slipknot's set when I get a call..
"Kicked out"
He was so loaded he could barely speak properly, but somehow found my number in his phone and called me, requesting I come see him. I hit the bathroom on the way to the gates, with his backpack and the smuggled beer/blanket inside. He calls me again, because I wasn't there yet.
In the 10'ish minutes it took me to walk from the venue (which is on an island), go to the bathroom, and then continue to the front gates across the bridge, he was so out of it, he couldn't even tell me where he was in the area outside the gates. Took me another 10 minutes to find him.
Managed to collect him, all 6'2 and 235-240lbs of muscle that he was. He was a veteran with two active duties behind him, who had been shot, and blown up.. and here I was slugging his ass - shoulder supporting his arm, hand holding his wrist, other hand in the back of his shorts steering him - through a CROWDED AS FUCK exhibition grounds (the CNE in Toronto is basically the biggest carnival we have here) heading to the street car station at the front gates. I have to pee again (damn beer), so I drop him off at a giant rock outside of the bathroom entrance and tell him to *stay* like a damn dog. I'm mid-stream when my phone starts ringing and he's looking for me. I finish, wash my hands and recollect him.
When we get to the streetcar station, he's so hammered he can barely find his transit pass, they don't even ask for my fare, just make me put his shirt on.. he then tries to run to the street car and wipes out, taking me with him because his fall pulled me partway down.. No blood at least on either of us, but my sandal was the casualty, stretching out the toe thong on one and making them trash.
Get him on the street car, then manage to wrangle his ass through Union Station to the subway AND get on the right subway to get back to his area (where my vehicle was, although I was stuck staying over because I was intending to and had been drinking and while shit like this sobers you up, I knew I still wasn't okay to drive).
The entire subway ride, I'm struggling not to puke and he's sleeping on my lap.. wake him up the stop before his, so he will be able to be more alert and actually able to drag his ass off the subway (keep in mind, I am still supporting him with the arm over shoulder/shorts steering maneuver at this point). We get on the escalator, and get him outside. There's a crowd waiting for the bus already, and he tries unzipping his pants to take a piss. I'm like "you can't pee here!" and he gives up trying to unzip (gets it about half undone) and just pisses himself... like Austin Powers levels of piss... everywhere...
I still have to get soggy drippy pants home now.. and we have about 2 km to walk after we get off the bus. We get about 200 feet before he walks up the grassy hill and lays down and almost passes out. I force him to get back up, we get about half a block further and he lays down on the grass outside of an old age home and won't get up.. so I finally get him to call his buddy to come get us (who he doesn't even remember at this point and I have to remind him who he is)... first call was unsuccessful, second call I took the phone and his buddy came to get us. He died laughing at the situation, and was as puzzled as me as to how he was falling down (he wiped out again on the way to the truck) drunk when the man can drink a ton and be okay and his buddy had never seen him that wasted in years of partying/friendship, including drugs.
We got him home, he showered and crawled into bed and passed out.. I shared his twin bed with him and drove home the next day, had a shower after no sleep and went into work late (which I had booked off anyways).
Was definitely an experience... and I still haven't managed to see a full Slipknot set because last years show was cancelled due to Covid. But I will definitely not be slugging some drunk ass out before the show is done next time!!
#talesfromtheeexcrpyts#vol 8#dating misadventures#slipknot#drunk#pretty sure he was roofied#was certainly a workout#not an experience I'm looking to repeat any time
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You’ve made your bed, now you gotta lie in it.
Moments like these sometimes makes me wonder if it would really affect anyone if I was gone (well, I mean apart from my parents of course)... I fucking hate having such thoughts... Is it just my insecurities, anxiety, hormonal crap, or why do I have this feeling like I’m a backup...
Ugh, but that’s the fucking thing - everyone has their own lives. No one’s lives revolves around yours, so I need to remind myself of this and stop stressing out when things seem to be slightly different. People might be upset with some other aspect, they might be stressed, they might be tired, they might need a break, and yes, sometimes it’s a break from you. Especially so in this period. So take this fucking time to have a good break too.
Speaking of, very thankful that the psychiatrist I met with today gave me medical leave for tomorrow, really needed that. So for tomorrow, not gonna touch anything related to work. No emails, no whatsapp, nothing. It’s time to take a proper break to reset myself, to recharge.
Today definitely wasn’t what I expected it to be. Had thought it would be like a normal counselling session, but I guess it was more of a get-to-know-your-situation. Also, there was a med student there too, which kinda felt a little odd and definitely held back a little on what I wanted to say, but he was nice. Mainly talked about work stress, sleep stuff, and oof, honestly my appetite just got way worse. I just survived today on a cup of tea, a can of coffee, an egg for breakfast, and then dinner. It’s amazing how I didn’t even feel hunger at all, no gastric pains, nothing. Well, there was slight hunger, then the stress kicked in again and that was gone.
Anyhoo.. we also spoke briefly about family.. didn’t really cover relationships or friends much, the former being one I wanted to talk a bit of, considering everything. But well, either way. Next round, or when I get my session with a psychologist... which I’m honestly contemplating about. Maybe I should just return to the counselling place I went to..
But, was reminded about some stuff too - breathing exercises, mindfulness... He had also asked what I had hoped to achieve from this (also why I decided to seek help, why now), which was really to manage my emotions better. I mean I know we can’t always have happiness... But ufgh, the dip from happiness to currently what shit state I’m in right now, I just.. I don’t even know. I really hope this is just an exhaustion phase plus the hormones acting up, I really can’t bear to let myself slip back into this again. ‘This’ being the darkest moments I consider in my life in 2015, which I also kinda mentioned to them. He asked if it felt worse then or now, and I said it was then.. I did hesitate in responding. I mean, it does feel pretty bad now but I think I’m more well equipped in handling it at least, and better support system overall.
This is also another reason why I hate having those thoughts I was talking about at the start of this post. Some of my colleagues are being sweet about everything, one asking why I’m still continuing with work despite my appointment (I almost teared up yet again), and my manager encouraging me to take a break and offering to be a listening ear too, and even the other driver offering a ride (which honestly, I don’t think I could even accept considering the “rules” with covid-situation). Was still sweet though. Even the newbie that I mostly speak to about work (we’ve recently started talking a bit more) had asked, she (and I guess the VP) probably heard my choked up crying voice yesterday at the end of the meeting. So yep.
Ufff, and other friends being concerned and sending their love. Oh, and the one person I hoped who would check in.. well, didn’t really, but we did talk for a bit and that was nice. I do think that my mood is rubbing off, or at least it feels like it is, or we just need to take a little step back. Especially myself, considering I’m getting way too attached again, and catching way too much feelings.
But I mean... I was the one who made the decision to continue talking to him when he returned. I could have left it. I could have left it be every single time it felt like the convo was dying, but I didn’t want it to end. Despite what everyone said, I trusted my heart and feelings, I trusted him. I’m not saying I regret it, really. I knew who he was, or at least the person he shows to me. Maybe he’s not always all that concerned or caring, maybe he doesn’t really speak that much or initiate a lot at times, but I still somehow fell for him.
I’ve been actually thinking quite a bit about the moment we first met... Apparently it was either on his birthday or soon after it. That very first time, just a simple “thank you” as he left, that caught my attention. And the very next time, we got to talking a bit. It felt comfortable, it felt great. It caught my interest. He caught my interest. Then time went by... And then I finally got his name (and also his number and a date) so that kinda snowballed pretty fast after very slow progress. I’m not sure where it’s going now, I don’t think I’ve ever known. Sometimes it feels like he might feel somewhat similarly, sometimes no. Some say that ain’t great, but also you shouldn’t compare progress?? So... yeah.
Oh, but I digress. I was gonna say how even though now isn’t as bad as 2015 was, it’s definitely terrifying that I had missed the symptoms and signs, or maybe I just brushed them off because I was busy and focused with work or life and then I just hit burnout so bad without even realising.
Am trying my best to divert my mind and emotions today, especially with crying too much over the past week. Didn’t exactly work the way I wanted hah. Still cried quite a bit, but am trying to channel all this negative into positive to people around me. Maybe I’m not strong enough to just be all positive for me, but maybe I could try to make things better for someone else at least. I had told a friend this, and she’s like you shouldn’t do this for others but yourself, which is sweet and I appreciate her sentiment. But sometimes I’m just unable to fake it to pretend that all’s peachy (I mean I’m already trying my best to hide it on the outside, especially at work), so the most I could try is to make things better for someone, anyone. Even despite he didn’t check in, maybe he wanted to give me my space, maybe he didn’t want to probe, or just maybe he doesn’t really give a crap about it/me, I wanted to try. I still wanted to try.
Gah, but whatever. Enough of thinking, enough of worrying, enough of stressing. For tomorrow, I just gotta take a proper break. Focus on me. And hopefully, oh damn, hopefully, things will start feeling okay again.
Man, this was much longer than I expected it to be. It’s kinda sad that I write best when I’m upset, but I do enjoy it so much cos I’m finally able to put into words all the thoughts that I’ve got scrambling around in my head. Also just got reminded how the psychiatrist and the med student felt bad for me when I said I didn’t dare to go walking alone anymore after what happened the other time, and I just.. Ufgh, and the way he said it... no one deserves to feel afraid to go walking alone or that should have been your right. I do hope that I’ll overcome this again soon, cos I definitely need it.
Well, this was a nice release. Time to focus on the positives and be more appreciative of what I have, instead of what I don’t, or feel like I don’t. Gotta do my best to stop this spiral before I really disappear into the darkness forever.
Ugh, but I gotta say, I’m really proud of taking this step and not postponing the appointment, to still be open about life and all most that I’m dealing with. Yes, I still need to learn when to bite my tongue and actually who are the right people to trust, but I guess sometimes when you’re feeling so overwhelmed...
But anyhoo.. I’m sure I’ve got this, and I hope things will start looking up from here. And well, I guess time to start job hunting too.
X
#post of the day#personal#mental health#work#life#self reminder#therapy#friends#family#break#self care#emotions#guys#feelings
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Okay, so i just took a nap and had the most fanfic / wattpad dream EVER like idek anymore.
It goes like this
I was on a music show concert and one of the artist in the line up was nct dream (we young era OMG THEY’RE SO TINY) and i decided to buy a more expensive seating section, while my friends bought the cheaper one (it was 50 thousand rupiah and mine costed 75 thousand rupiah). It was kinda like “Spotify on Stage” or something, so they’re cheap.
Anyway, idk why but i decided to bring my dog with me and he’s just running all over the place and i noticed that the venue itself wasn’t really crowded (idk why either) and my dog accidentally went to the venue (that time the gate wasn’t even opened) and i took a peek inside and it wasn’t that big. It has 2 levels and apparently, my ticket was idk what happened but i should be on the main section (1st floor) but ended up being on the 2nd level on the LEFT WING jeez. So all of my friends went in first, they all got to the 2nd floor, leaving me and my dog behind and i patiently waited for my section’s gate to be opened.
And so, it finally open. There wasn’t anyone going to my section and i was going in alone (?) pretty weird huh. And so i sat down, kinda near the railing or a wall (the railing or wall is on my right) and who knows where my dog went but he just wasn’t with me anymore (its a dream, relax)
AND SUDDENLY
CHRISTOPHER FREAKING BANG WAS SITTING BESIDES ME.
I’m laughing rn
So he sat down. Lemme describe his physical appearance and look in DETAILS.
He’s wearing a black tshirt (duh, his usual), his hair’s blonde (MY UTMOST FAV), and he’s wearing silver jewelries like a bracelet and also skz’s necklace. He’s so pale jeeeeeeez omg and doesn’t wear that much makeup lol. You know guys, i can LITERALLY feel that he’s besides me. Creepy right omg what kind of dream
And, he’s gorgeous. Guys, he’s so gorgeous :”) i feel like crying right now
AND THEN WE TALK. WE TALKED LMAO
Okay, so i can only remember some, so it goes like this
“Whoa, aren’t you Bang Chan from Skz?”
“Yeah that’s me” and he laughed
AND THIS DREAM WAS SO MADE SENse like HE’S AUSTRALIAN AND HE SPEAKS ENGLISH AND PLEASE IMAGINE
“Wow, what are you doing here?”
“Idk, just seeing a concert, being like a normal people”
Up to this point, only two things went weird. 1st is that i have no idea where my dog went, 2nd idek which country i’m in rn. How is bangchan here watching the same show with me?
After that i just went “ahhh” while nodding and i actually told him that i want to this section alone cos apparently my friends r on another section so i’m thankful that he sits besides me.
And he got closer, talk into my ear (cos the concert’s starting) and said “you’re most welcome”
AND HE ALSO THANKED ME FOR TREATING HIM LIKE A NORMAL GUY AND NOT AS A CELEBRITY
And i did the same :/ i lean in and said “anytime”
AND
AMDISNJZSIUAKKZISB I CANT
THIS PART MAKES ME GO BOOOOOM BOOOOOOM
i’m writing this with the biggest and dumbest smile on my face dang
He said that he got kinda shy after i spoke right into his ear like that (cos we’re too close)
AND I LITERALLY WENT “NOOOO DON’T SAY THAT” and blushed hard damn boy
AND HE’S ALL CUTE AND GIDDY WHILE SAYING THAT???? U KNOW WHEN HE’S GIDDY? A giant fluff ball indeed.
Okay, so then we ended up enjoying the concert together like we’re homies. We laughed, we cheered (i cheered for the dreamies tho lol) and our shoulders would often met and we’ll laugh about it omg it was heavenly
At one point i realised that it was just a dream and i have the audacity to think “well, even if it’s just a dream, make it last” WOW I’M SO COOL LMAO
And the show ends and i forgot whether it’s before the show or after the show but Chan actually asked me out. LIKE HAHAHAHHAHA HE ASKED ME OUT YAS GURL U HEARD ME RIGHT
He said, “why don’t we hang out a little?”
And i was like :0 “o-okay...”
Well i mean, i wouldn’t mind tho??? ITS CHRISTOPHER FREAKING BANG
AHHHHHH AND AND AND I ALSO TOLD HIM (at one point on our convo before the show starts) that i actually like him and that he’s one of my bias in skz and he was like “oh, really??” And i was like “bruh, i watched your show on Januari 2019 in Jakarta!!” And we laughed (again) and he seemed happy to know that i’m a stay
Back to the topic where he asked me out and i said yes and we exchanged our contacts i forgot it was our numbers or sns? Idk i don’t remember.
ONE DAY, he really picked me up y’all. I cant anymore
So apparently, we’re in my country, in my city, basically my territory. And in this dream, i wasn’t super rich, my family was actually struggling to live. And i live in this tall but old building, alongside my neighbours who were as poor as us. We live in flats, yes, that’s the word. And the building we’re living in is actually my church building irl so it felt super real.
The one who picked me up was actually his driver. I have to pick Chan somewhere in the city. After that we decided to grab some meal and we start throwing each other silly questions
Me: “well, what’s your fav food?”
Him: “rice.” WHILE SMIRKING LIKE ????
Me: “bruh, we’re asian!! We eat rice!” I laughed
And he laughed
Akxjdndkdisnkzjdbaksj naui simjang
Me: “okay, what is your fav food OTHER than rice?”
And after that i cant remember anything anymore (about the convo :))
I also can’t remember where we had lunch, this 2nd half of my dream is just us inside his car
Then we talked about a lot of things. I remember telling him a lot about my story (i just cant remember the exact things i told him, nothing really absurd though just my interests n stuffs), and he would too, and just like that back and forth. The ambience was nice, and relaxing. That time i really felt time has stopped because irl i need to deal with quite a lot if things (that include my thesis, the struggle to keep on going as my parent’s business wasn’t in the prettiest shape due to covid-19, and other stuffs). And the fact that i really need someone to talk to atm makes the dream 1000000000000% better.
So, it was the time for us to finally call it a day. And i know by heart that after all of this end, i wouldn’t be able to meet him again. How could i? I have experienced a full day hang out with the precious Christopher Bang, i couldn’t ask for more right? It was more than enough for me and i’ll continue to be his ordinary fan. On our way back to where i live, we kinda became quite. As if none of us wanted it to end.
And
Omg i said the word ‘and’ like a thousand times now
Okay so
Listen
It was 15 minutes away from where i live, so our meeting would soon come to an end.
And he suddenly pulled out some kind of a recorder or a music player idk it has a can-like-shape, and start playing a track.
It was an unreleased track. About a girl who make his heart goes warm, someone who supports him for who he is.
I nearly cried writing this guys
And he asked me to listen to it
And i did
And i was like “chan, this is beautiful”
And U KNOW THE FEELING
OF AN INEVITABLE GOODBYE
THAT ANGSTY FEELING
INSIDE YOUR GUT
I FEEL THAT
*cries*
The song is beautiful. The lyrics, the melody, everything’s perfect.
I managed to listen to it twice, but i cant remember how it sounds like. But it was BEAUTIFUL. Trust me on this.
And i just remembered, THE SONG IS IN FREAKIN KOREAN. I cant speak korean :”) but i understands EVERY. SINGLE. WORD. Dreams r cool
And he got all giddy again with his goofy smile, and somehow my brain process it to:
‘Chan wrote that song a long time ago, probably. Well, definitely before we met. He’s now showcasing it to me and the lyrics clicked and maybe i’m the girl in the lyrics’
I don’t wanna make it sound like it’s all about me (even tho it’s my dream :”)) so i asked him
“This song is about stays, right?”
And he answered
“Well, you’re a stay right? So, yes.”
OKAY :”””””””
I feel like he felt that our meeting was destined, even though we’ll never gonna see each other again after this, we know that both of us are grateful for this meeting.
Omg i really hope that i’ll dream like that again tonight
OH SIS I’M NOT DONE YET.
So, we arrived at my place. He parked the car and i was still listening to the song and when it came to its end, IDK WHY but (please forgive me for this idek what i’m doing) and i somehow REACHED FOR HIS ABS? TRAILED IT ALL THE WAY UP WITH MY RIGHT PALM (Jesus, forgive me), and then we
Kissed.
Yes. Just like that.
And the next thing that i remember is that he accompany me until i’m outside my flat, and people on my neighbourhood wondered who’s the guy (cos he looked rich and handsome) LMAO
And then i wake up.
This is one of the few dreams that i remember that has a nice ending. The nap ends when the dream ends. It was sooooooo satisfying!
——————————————————————————
Okay thank you for listening to my unimportant story :”) i do hope one day you’ll get a sweet sweet dream of your bias just like me. Have a good day, y’all!
#skz#stray kids#dream#fanfic#nap#stay#bangchan#woojin#lee know#changbin#felix#han#jisung#hyunjin#seungmin#i.n#in#jeongin#alskndaukshdn#i love my life#jyp
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Adulting Through 2020 (Life Update)
I can imagine what you thought as soon as you saw a post from me… “where this girl been?!”
Imagine what my thoughts were… “where this girl been?!”
Excuses… I have none… at least none different than the rest of the world in regards to 2020.
Needless to say this year has been a mixed bag of emotions and an unexpected bag of events. I definitely was not ready for anything that was coming, but I think I did my best to maneuver these obstacles the best way I knew how.
Some things suffered, other things flourished… now I’m in the phase after the storm, settling into new norms and new chapters, waiting for next steps that are soon coming but pending.
Adulting… is not fun as is let’s just start there… but adulting during 2020 has been ridiculous.
I’m 29 now… there was a lot leading up to my birthday and getting closer to 30 and then, yes, as I acknowledged before I went a little ghost.
Long story short… I lost my desire to put my thoughts out there for the world to see. It grew tiresome having people think they could be in my life by reading my words and not wanting to actually speak to me. You know… experience my life from a far and still think they were owed a place in it.
And I know some of these people are going to text and/or call me asking if I’m talking about them… I have no desire to have that convo so… let’s just not go there because I’m not entertaining those conversations.
After taking a break, in an attempt to refocus on myself and figure out what the heck I’m actually doing in life everything else fell apart… my living situation got crazy, basement flooded, tree fell on the roof, and somebody broke into my house… for those of you that were looking for me, I was working through that for 3 months.
Matter fact let’s take a break and discuss that last part… some fool broke into our house! And clearly he wasn’t smart, I mean, we caught him on camera but the police wouldn’t do anything about it… Covid made it a little hard on top of pre-existing lack of response since the robber was wearing a mask (oh Covid, you are a wonderful excuse for anyone this year). Anyway, after ineffectively raiding through some belongs and opening all of the doors in the house, he walked out of our front door with my 55” TV on his shoulder strolling down the street in the same direction the cops appeared from 3 minutes later.
This idiot took the TV but took the cable remote LOL… not a funny situation but the more we sat on it the more entertaining it actually became.
Well, after all of that, we sold the house and, although I know so many people don’t feel like I was homeless because I had somewhere to go, I was a little “displaced” for about a month.
As I explained before, I was in the middle of a house search, but all of this happened so fast. In my mind purchasing my own home before 30 had to be the next because what else is there, right? So, I was really trying to make that happen when the opportunity to work from Barbados presented itself, so that then became the plan, but life works in mysterious ways apparently, so, that quickly fell through the gaps and I was left with a decision… keep struggling with this program (that I will keep nameless) to purchase a home and possibly not find one for 3 more years or get an apartment.
Needless to say… this blog post after five months of silence is coming from my new apartment!
I wasn’t ready for the turns I had to make this year, but I know I had to endure them to make it here.
There were a bunch of other little things going on in the midst of all of that, and a few exciting opportunities that have been placed in my path for reality in the near future sooooooo… more updates to come definitely, lol.
Please understand my absence, and accept my humanity. Adulting is already hard, and then the universe threw 2020 in the mix, LOL, what can I say… I needed a break.
I’ve been on an amazing anime kick throughout the pandemic, however, and oh my gosh! Lovecraft Country just made my life! I want to write and share with the world what’s going on with me… sometimes, lol. I’m working my way back to my passion and walking my path to the next chapter of me… can’t wait to see who she is!
But I hope you all never forget to stay D.O.P.E. in my absence and are excited for the new journey just as much as I am! 2020 won’t beat us!
Sidebar… pushing me to get back to writing was needed, I’m appreciative for the support and encouragement, thank you :). I may be looking into some new ways to share in the future we’ll see lol.
Be D.O.P.E.
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January 25, 2022
I found my college blog. Took me down memory lane for real. Also took Hera down memory lane apparently. She texted me her feedback hahah and I enjoyed every bit. The part thst struck me in particular was that in my blog i saw we hung out w this one guy while we’re all coincidentally in Japan. He went to our chirch and he was 35 but we were 21 or 22. He was very nice and a urologist. We had a really fun time. I asked Hera “hey do you remember that guy?” And she said yeah. She has amazing memory bc she instantly remembered. And she said he’s probably 50 now. Weird. And that blew my brain. I mean he’s probably 47 or 48 but still. Mind blown.
What kinds of things will I remember or unearth when j read this blog 10-15 years from now…
Anyway
(1) I love it when the girls eat strawberries and then they smell like strawberries. It’s the cutest smell.
(2) naya and I have funny convos before we sleep. Lately she’s obsessed w this flashlight Trudy have all the kids as a party favor for Wes’ birthday. Tonight she flashed it straight into her eyes and just like had the flashlight on her eyeball. I was like naya don’t do that! It could get hurt! And she said yeah so I need a band aid. (But I don’t want her thinking it could be fun bc she loves putting bandaids on) so I said “no. Doctor won’t give you a bandaid. If your eye hurts or is broken they have to take out your eyeball.” And then I think she got scared bc she was like no. I need to keep my eye in! And when she turned on the flash light (flashing away from her this time) she covered her eyes and peeked through her fingers.
(3) I love Dani’s fake laughs. She does these rapid laughs that are so fat boy sounding. I don’t know how else to describe it. Funny thing is naya used to do them too.
(4) lately when I ask naya who her best friend is she says Dani.
(5) naya went to school today for the first time in two weeks and it was so glorious. I was talking to another parent and they said their kid went to school for 3 days this past month bc of sickness. And miss maica said a lot of kids got sent home yday and prior bc they were showing signs of sickness and whether it’s Covid or not they’re just being paranoid and sending people home. Shesessshhhhhh
(6) I love eating popcorn w chocolate chips.
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it’s been a long while but i need to rant bc i have nobody to tell and my little heart is on fire
last sept i met a couple online and we wanted to have a couple’s night but my ex was working so i just met with them. they are quite nice and i wanted to build a friendship with them. so bam! my breakup happend and the second lockdown happened and we only met once in dec and in feb before covid allowed more contact. i got closer to her and later also had a really good open convo with him and was like wow i made a guy friend. them it got weird. they both made me tons of compliments and texted me a lot. my best friend had a running gag that they wanted a threesome (silly i know) i started to get a bit uncomfortable with the guys compliments.
then one day he tells me he is super sad bc he is moving away and wants to spend a weekend holiday with me and his gf. which i politely decline. a few days later she tells me they broke up. it sounded weird bc they ahd a vacation planned and he apparently blamed her from him having to break up. so my resentment against him build. then they went on the booked vacation as a split couple and visited MY party seperately. it felt off but i thought that they were just mostly mature with it.
so today the girl texted me saying that she is not well, basically telling me about psychological abuse from him and i feel SO SO SO enraged and SO SO helpless bc i can do nothing but offer her help. and she is being very brave about it but i just feel so worried and angry and asdfghjkl
i’m not mentally stable for this i guess bc i already got to worry about my brother who is starting his graduation year and is a very very quiet kid who barely talks about his apparent problems to me and now this hits my doorstep. i’m so ready to help but i need to think about my boundaries as well and thats sorta scary to me
i hope she is safe until he moves out end of the month. i hope do not let this affect my mood. i hope i can find sb to talk to about this bc the pressure is very heavy and she said he said she can nooot tell anybody anything
plus i thought i could tell he was a good person despite some flaws everybody has but this is just grade a abusive behavior and i want to put him in a train to siberia and yell at him
depression which he has is no fucking excuse for abusive behavior
fuck this shit
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Perspectives (Part 2)
Today has been a pretty emotional day, but hey, at least one worry is over. Not sure if the whole rollercoaster was basically caused by the hormones, or just being overwhelmed with the workload again.
As I was saying yesterday, I haven’t really been much productive because of a lot of other interruptions in between. I haven’t been able to focus on one thing because I’m easily dragged into something else. It’s funny, but somehow it seems that a lot of the work functions revolve around my manager and me. Maybe considering we’re the ones liaising with the buyers, so promotions, stocks, etc, they’re still pretty much interlinked with us. Any questions people have, it might tend to always be related back to us.
So anyhoo, the other higher ups have been trying to get me to do other stuff, basically handling some things that my colleague is getting too busy to do. It’s great and all, new stuff, new experience, but it’s a little ridiculous they expect me to just take things on when I’ve already got my plate piled up.
For the past couple weeks I’ve just been having multiple windows and tabs opened but never getting to finish on most or anything. Every thing has been pretty much half assed.
I’m wondering if I’m just bad at pacing and time management, but at the same time, I seem to have so much duties suddenly that I don’t know what’s the thing I need to focus on the most/first. Every thing someone brings over is “urgent”.
And maybe with all these shift/staggered work, it’s a bit tough to be productive either. It’s nice to have work from home, but it’s also pretty exhausting to communicate at times. And when there’s no boundaries drawn properly when you’re on a break. Maybe we do not follow accordingly ourselves to our scheduled work time either, I mean I don’t go for lunch as early but I do still follow the timing as closely as possible, but as long as you finish your duties, it shouldn’t even be this hectic.
And today, they did try to lessen my workload by passing it over to someone else. I did feel a little bad about it, but I tried my best to teach him what I could and if anything, to just drop me a text. That.. didn’t really go out as good, but it’s also a new thing. So we’re all learning. But, I also did learn from him that those “higher ups” are also upset with me for not completing my work. And that made me upset because does it look like I’m slacking? Okay, I admit, I’ve been distracted, but then I’ve also been feeling burn out. I’m already trying my best to handle each and every one of these “urgent” stuff that no one else seem to be able to handle.
Also learnt something else today.. apparently they were asking why I was so serious or something along those lines, and maybe it’s because I never really met them before this whole covid situation started, and I never really consider us friends. We were just colleagues. Strictly work relationship. But then again, maybe I never really gave them much of a chance either. I mean, some of which have been affected by people, or mostly this one person I’m closer to, but some of the stuff relayed over were things I got to personally witness. I think the trust issues thing is kinda growing stronger, and I’m not really sure what or whom to believe anymore... Am I even confiding in the right people? Should I even be telling any of them anything?
Anyway, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fuck something up real soon because of too many ongoing things at once. Either way.. Maybe that rash decision of wanting to throw my letter instead will come to fruition instead.
So well, basically just overwhelmed, burnt out, feeling emotional about anything and everything. Ended up half crying on the way home too. Bumped into my mom at the corridor and as we parted ways, I just welled up thinking how she would use to ask me to come along, sometimes try to convince me. But I think now she can tell that I just need some space. Even being cool about me going for my walks too.
And something pretty wonderful happened too.
I had been wanting to text him for a bit, especially since I broke down at the office. But then I thought, why was it that I always wanted to see him every time I was falling apart, be it at work or home? Was he really my safe haven? Does he really make me feel so comfortable that every time something went wrong, I just wanted to see him and hear his voice?
I somehow managed to resist it, just silently tearing up at my desk while working on stuff, trying to distract myself and all. And then that journey home...
And then I checked my phone - he texted. I genuinely wasn’t really expecting anything since the convo kinda died on my end, I was a little busy and distracted and didn’t really give a proper reply. It was sweet, he checked in. At first I didn’t really want to do this whole confiding crying thing, but I did. And I’m glad I did. Honestly, this is why I hold on despite the bad. He really has his ways - the wise, different perspectives. Of how being the one handling everything means you get to learn everything. How people slacking might mean tougher on you but then you’ll eventually benefit more. How work never ends and you just gotta learn what to prioritise. I mean, some of these are stuff that I do know, or just deep down inside and needed a reminder. And I appreciated it so damn much. Just a reminder, just his voice telling me that it’s okay, and it’s alright to cry and let go of the stress.
I’m still not entirely what it is that made me trust him so much and feel so much comfort around him, maybe it’s just the feeling, or maybe it’s the little things like this. All the good that lets me push past the bad.
But I think this was a good end to the night. Along with getting to catch up with 2 of my close friends tonight too, after a while. Really hoping the next couple days will be better and I’d be clearer on what I’d actually want to/should do. Probably just need to clear most of what’s on my plate, and since the holiday is coming up (Happy early Eid!), hopefully a time to properly catch up on rest and sort my things out accordingly.
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