#therapy and mood stabilizers or some shit

[millenniummmbop]

rivalshipping is about healing to me but like in a “well-meaning yet still ill-advised codependency” way

#*pulls down projection screen and extends my collapsible pointer stick thing* #Yugi was a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who went too far w the whole revenge fantasy thing #until The Power Of Friendship TM mellowed him out and he finally landed in a more emotionally stable state #*clicks to next slide* #meanwhile kaiba over here is ALSO a lonely kid with unresolved anger issues who ALSO went too far w his own fucked up revenge fantasy #*quickly shuffles through slides of Death-T* #but two mind-shattering comas later and yugi at the very least was willing to bury the hatchet and try to start over again #the whole 'kaiba vs peg sus' fiasco was where everyone finds out kaiba's motives up to that point and where it all finally clicks for yugi #*clicks to next slide to reveal the 'he just like me fr' meme but it's yugi crying on the balcony inside peggy's castle* #it's after this that yugi starts thinking 'Well friendship fixed ME so maybe it can fix HIM too' #*clicks next slide and hits play on the embedded video* #Yugi: good morning kaiba-kun! nice weather we're having today huh? #Kaiba: I'm going to beat u in the face and in the ass #Yugi: haha alright bud I'll see u at regionals tomorrow #Yugi said so himself that he wanted 'friends he could count on and who could count on him' (paraphrasing) #i think he saw this mess of a human being recklessly barreling towards the edge at 100 miles an hour and said #'yeah this looks like something i can personally fix' #bc he's the type of person to just selflessly shoulder a mountain of burdens if it means helping someone he cares about #like his heart is definitely in the right place but i don't think he realizes that kaiba also needs like #therapy and mood stabilizers or some shit #*a voice rings out from the back of the class* #'op they had like 10 minutes of conversation MAX over the entirety of duelist kingdom this is literally all in ur head* #no no the groundwork is there for all of this i PROMISE #lion king rafiki voice: look harder #like yes i'm delusional but i'm also RIGHT #(⓿_⓿) #ignore me

[mykneeshurt]

Validation

Drabble I found in my notes from a few weeks ago. He’s my comfort character sorryyyyy.

I have raging daddy issues so of course this was gonna come out of my mind. May or may not be based on me LMFAO

Heavy silent tears streamed down your face. Flicking your watch it illuminated the time, 03:00. Your chest hurt from the weight of the sadness within it, a deep deep ache within. Re-burying your head in your hands you let out a sigh. Your thoughts once again consuming you, your self-critical, self-hatred, self-blaming thoughts.

‘Alright love?’ A familiar voice broke the deafening silence. Slowly removing your hands from your face you peered up at your Lieutenant through your blood shot eyes. Offering him a small smile you shook your head. You’d been with Task Force 141 for around 10 months now. Transferred in due to your excellent combat skills and ability to get in and get out of situations unnoticed, earning the nickname Lynx.

Your Lieutenant, Ghost, warmed up quicker to you than he’d wanted. Soap, Gaz and Price all blown away at how fast your relationship grew. It started with small banter, you challenged him every step of the way refusing to let him intimidate you. That progressed into small touches, lingering glances and private jokes. Naturally it blossomed further, you began to open up to him. You didn’t expect anything in return but the weight of the mask you wore day in day out was taking its toll.

You and Ghost were more a like than he cared to believe. You both wore masks, he wore his literally, your’s figuratively. You both struggled to carry and express your emotions. You both experienced trauma, and while you shouldn’t compare trauma, his was worse than yours. At least you still had your parents, they just fucked you up emotionally rather than physically. What was it? BPD trait a psychiatrist once said to you.

‘Bad night love?’ He asked quietly. You nodded breaking eye contact, your eyes dropping back to the table. Stray tears dropped onto the table. ‘Wanna talk?’

‘Same old shit Lt. don’t wanna bore you.’ Your voice was quiet and full of sadness. ‘You’d never bore me. But if you don’t wanna talk we can just sit if you want.’ Nodding you offered a smile of thanks. He felt safe to be around, he offered some sort of calm to your chaos.

Of course this was ‘Simon’ you were talking to, not Ghost. Ghost was cold, calculated, a killer. How he could switch between the two almost seamlessly was terrifying. You’d offered multiple times to be a listening ear for him, he slowly drip fed you bits about his life whilst on missions. Gaining a greater understanding of what made him who he was. Raging emotional issues, complex PTSD and a very unstable mood, which could be borderline abusive sometimes. But little did you know how much you helped him, a small feeling of stability in a never ending sea of torment. Soap put it best ‘fixing each others problems.’ Though you often joked that no amount of therapy would help Ghost.

Your tears eventually dried but the void in your chest grew ever bigger. Ghost was older than you by a fair few years, he gave you praise, something you were unable to do yourself. He gave you reassurance and helped sooth your self-critical voice in your head. You’d developed a crush on him almost instantly. He gave you the emotional validation you craved. The … attention you craved.

Twiddling your thumbs you stood and brushed your hair out of your face. ‘Feel better?’ He asked cocking his head to the side. ‘I think so, thanks’ you said quietly. Walking around the side of the table you placed you hand on his shoulder. He turned to look at you, your eyes flitting to his lips and back to his eyes.

You knew what you were doing, he knew all to well what you were doing. You wanted to fill the void with him. To feel wanted. To feel validated. He stood and placed a hand on your face, cupping your jaw. ‘Stop it. You can do better than me love. I can’t give you what you deserve.’ Placing your hand on his you gazed up at him ‘no, but maybe it’s what I want.’

#ghost x you #simon ghost riley #call of duty #cod mw22 #fluff #mutual pining

[vicekillx]

UPDATE: 2024

Usually I make these kinds of post around New Years, but this year I didn't really have anything to say. But now we're a month in and I definitely do.

I feel…different, this year. In a good way, I think. I feel like I'm tired of being complacent and riding coattails. This month has been a whirlwind of getting my shit in line. So far I:

handled two serious family crises smoothly and picked myself back up quickly from both

called my health insurance (phone calls have historically been an hours-long meltdown-inducing debacle for me) twice to switch my PCP because the previous one was consistently booked 3-6 months out and she just forgot to mention the inhaler I pulled out of my bag to show her at my first appointment so I couldn't get a refill on it or my nebulizer when I had COVID; that's been getting put off since August of last year

made an appointment with said new PCP for Feb 1, and I'm hoping they'll be able to refer me to a dentist and optometrist because I desperately need both

got back into therapy with an autism/ADHD specialist who can help me manage those specifically after my previous therapist didn't understand why I couldn't just Do It™; also have assessments lined up for both to get diagnoses

pay more attention to my health in general, including diet and exercise. I'm already down about 10 lb

restructured my planner to include a mood tracker and sleep tracker, and have been better about staying on top of it

got Trello up and running and so far it's working really well for me

have been doing my house chores more consistently, namely cleaning litter boxes and taking care of my snakes and tarantulas (roommates have been picking up my slack but they shouldn't have to, they're my animals)

am able to work more consistently on my designated work days; before it was a lot of chipping away and putting things off rather than sitting down and making actually decent progress

am finally starting a tattoo sleeve I've wanted for a very, very long time as a belated birthday gift to myself

am consistently filling stream sketch slots, which means I can actually make money and pay my bills on-time (and a huge, huge thank you to everyone who signs up, I'm pretty sure this is the primary reason I've been able to pull myself out of the hole. Financial stability is a hell of a drug)

This year I wanna try really hard to keep the train moving along this track. If things keep going the way they are, I could potentially make some pretty big changes in the not so distant future. Some things I'm brainstorming:

UnholyFans

merch other than stickers (seriously I have so many designs in mind, I just haven't had the drive to work on them or the upfront capital to order inventory)

more monster/demon adoptables

I would really like to collab with some other artists, it's been too fuckin long

website restructure

picking up my side business (I did literally zero pieces for it last year oof), ideally with a rebrand

get back into conventions and try some new crowds: reptile/exotic expos, tattoo conventions, oddities expos, sex conventions, BDSM groups…

push the stream setup to be more professional

rekindling the spark for my personal stories and headworld projects

more I have written down somewhere but can't think of off the top of my head

And to be clear, I'm optimistic, but also a realist. I know from experience that shit changes and I could hit a massive depressive slump in a month or two and be back to where I was for most of last year. I'm still not going to promise anything I'm not confident I can deliver. However, that doesn't mean I shouldn't try.

I already got sidetracked with this post, so I'm gonna make a second to get to my original point and I'll come back and add a link to this one when I do. But suffice to say I want to try - again - to breathe some kind of life back into my SubscribeStar. I have some ideas in mind, but I want to hear yall's opinions on it too.

Watch this space ♥

#vice says #update

[hereticalapothecary]

A reintroduction:

Hi, I’m Rowan. I’m 30, officially Too Old For Shit. I’m a witch, queer (they/them pronouns!) neurodivergent, all that good stuff. Been quiet for the past few years cause I’ve been focusing on myself and going through therapy. Turns out it’s working! I’m a very eclectic witch, but I do not fuck with closed practices. I’ve changed a lot since I started this blog (for the better I think) and I’ve also chilled out a lot. (Mood stabilizers good, turns out.) I’m ex evangelical, still working on unpacking that. But sometimes I find it still helpful to call on those powers so I’m not entirely ex Christian. However, my main patron right now is Hera who has helped wonders with my confidence.

I’m still really good at tarot, if you hit me up and ask politely I might give you a reading or just some advice. I still do spirit work I just keep that part of my practice private now.

Anyway, I’m pretty open so if you have questions, comments, or concerns my inbox is open. Just don’t tell me your life story right off the bat, that’s a lot for one person.

Hoping to be more active and friendly on this blog again!

#witchblr #I’m back and healthier babey!

[kores-pomegranate]

I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d like to write down what it feels like when I’m at my worst. I think the human brain, for all of its wonder, does a shit job of hanging onto things, especially things that are painful. I’ve found that I can never quite recall what my body feels like or what thoughts race through my head when I feel very low.

I’m not at my lowest at the moment, but it was recent enough that I can remember pretty well. Last week, my doctor and I came to the agreement that I probably have cyclothymia. Even as a mental health professional, I didn’t know much about it outside of people calling it “Bipolar Lite ™️.” My doctor asked me if I’d ever had consistent relief from my anxiety. The answer to that is “fuck no.” If I feel consistently neutral, that’s about as good as it gets. I never feel consistently *good.* There are moments, here and there. Flashes, sometimes even a week or two at a time where I feel pretty good.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had COVID or chronic bronchitis, but if you have you probably know what it feels like not to be able to take a truly deep breath without sputtering or getting light-headed. That’s how those “pretty good” stretches feel for me. I can’t breathe all the way, I can’t settle. Always, always, a l w a y s there is background static flavored with fear. Justified fear, even. A body tensed waiting for the gun to go off to begin the sprint; all potential energy waiting for my next meltdown or crisis. And the fear is justified because one of the only certainties I can rely on when it comes to my brain is that it will freak the fuck out at some point. It doesn’t matter if everything is fine, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been doing well or taking my medications and going to therapy. I can always count on a meltdown that burns through that potential energy so fast that it brings my functioning to a screeching halt.

Anyway, back to my doctor. I told him, with less flowery language, that I’ve felt that way my whole life with little relief. To my surprise, he looked…relieved? Excited? He told me that he’d been wondering about cyclothymia for me ever since I told him I wasn't sure if one (of my four) anxiety meds was working.

Because, the thing is, it should have been working.

If what I have been experiencing was traditional anxiety, the cocktail of medications I was on should have knocked it out. And I definitely should not have had breakthrough panic attacks, self harm relapses, or roller coasters of SI.

My doc took my pulse which was sitting at around 150. He looked alarmed and took it three more times. He confirmed that I'd taken all of my meds. And then, he looked determined. He told me he thought I'd benefit from a mood stabilizer that was specifically developed for cyclothymia, to help treat hypomania.

Oh, hypomania. The "less severe" form of manic episodes. It's true, in some regards, I suppose. I don't experience week-long hells where I feel euphoric and invincible and out of control. I don't spend thousands of dollars I don't have on things I don't need. I don't make reckless or dangerous decisions with sex or drugs or food and I don't get psychosis. I'm thankful I don't have to endure those things.

But I don't get the supposed "good stuff" that is supposed to accompany hypomania. I don't get a sudden burst of energy and productivity that compels me to delightedly clean my house or do meal prep. I don't have days where I wake up in a sudden and miraculous good mood that lasts for a few days.

No, I don't get any of that. I get days and moments where my body feels like it is ripped from my control with absolutely no warning. I get, in a matter of seconds, a heart rate that jumps from 65 to 180. A rush of adrenaline that makes my body shake. The sudden and crushing belief that *nothing is okay and I will never be okay." The near incontrollable urge to just r u n a w a y. The urge to self harm. Sometimes actual self harm because feeling anything else would be better than this. Sometimes the urge to just…be gone. Because if this is my life I don't want it anymore.

That is what hypomania is like for me. Feeling as though someone broke into my car and is driving it wherever they want, even though I'm in the backseat losing my shit and fighting to regain control. It's not a fight I ever win. Instead, it's as though the thief gets bored and ditches me and my car in whatever state they put us in.

"See you soon," it always says.

Fear has been the soundtrack of my life for as long as I can remember. Today marks one week of taking mood stabilizers and 0 days since my last hypomanic episode.

I'm happy to still be here. It's nice to feel hopeful, even if I'm really fucking suspicious about it.

And to that car thief I say, "fuck you."

#cyclothymia #cyclothymic disorder #hypomania #dysphoric hypomania #mental illness #story time #TW: SI #tw: anxiety #tw: long post #tw: self destruction #lore drop #bipolar #me

[brunchbitch]

Update of sorts

Just got through my first week of classes (second to last semester!) and I’m not crazy about 2 out of 3 professors, but oh well. All of them seem like hard asses and tough graders so that’ll be interesting. I’m jealous that so many of my classmates are graduating in May but the trade off was a much more manageable fall schedule. Idk.

I’ve been doing well-ish with cutting down on weed. A couple weeks ago right after the new year I tried to go back to my schedule of no weed during the week (well… really just Tuesday through Thursday lmao) but I had AWFUL trauma dreams and it really affected my mood. So last week I didn’t do as well, though definitely less smoking in the week. This week I took edibles Tuesday night bc I wanted to make sure I would sleep well before my internship, but I didn’t have anything Wednesday or Thursday night. I had some fucked up weird dreams for sure BUT they weren’t directly trauma related so definitely easier to handle. It’s definitely an ongoing challenge but I’m hoping I’ll get used to this schedule and it’ll just become second nature.

Therapy with B is good - we’re now switching to every other week! NEVER thought I wouldn’t be in weekly therapy!! I was worried my behaviors would escalate bc I’m scared of “getting better” and being seen as not sick, but so far so good and it’s helpful to be aware of it.

My parents are coming out next weekend and my mom and I are going wedding dress shopping!!!! Crazy!!!! But we still have 554 days until the wedding so I have plenty of time. This will be more to get a sense of what styles/silhouettes I like. It’s gonna be surreal to look in the mirror with a wedding dress on. Hoping my mom isn’t too opinionated if we disagree lol.

I can’t remember if I have said this on here yet but A and I have decided to move to Seattle in august! I’m soooo excited but also nervous to be close to my family again. A also feels conflicted about it but we’ll take it one day at a time and it doesn’t necessarily need to be permanent. It feels a little silly career wise to leave Boston which is a city with such amazing hospitals and go to Seattle which has one level one trauma center, but I might want to work in a specialized outpatient clinic anyway. I would NOT want to work in an ED so maybe it doesn’t really matter. I think it would be really cool to be a medical social worker in an outpatient cancer clinic working with young adults, though I know that’s very specific and I’m not sure exactly what’s available out there. I’ve started to look at jobs just to get a sense, but obviously I’ll have to study for and pass my licensing exam first. I would love to take more Spanish classes while I’m working on that. I miss it!

Overall things are really good. I keep waiting for shit to hit the fan but idk… weed plus A plus a meaningful internship (last year too) has led to such a long period of stability (well long for me lol). A and I were talking about how at the end of this decade he will be 43 (!!!) and I’ll be 39. I started thinking about my life seven years ago at 24 and it feels like I was a completely different person. I would’ve laughed in your face if you told me I would be where I am today. Idk. It’s weird. I worry that one day I’ll relapse with my depression bc I genuinely feel… happy? So it’s kind of easier to not use behaviors. But if I felt depressed and hopeless, things might be very different. I guess I have to remind myself to take it one day at a time.

Edit: I also started on propranolol a couple months ago and WOW has it made a difference in my anxiety especially at my internship. I feel like I’ve worked really hard to work on the mental distortions, but the physical aspect of the anxiety has just been so tricky. After taking neurobiology last summer, I really am recognizing that trauma can have such long term effects on your body.

#update #personal #a #b #therapy #recovery #trauma recovery #bpd recovery #cptsd #cptsd recovery

[tommytranselo]

can you imagine if the Mafia: DE universe had a therapist that was kinda like the doc (not at an office, like literally coming from his house) and the trio going to fuckin therapy or at least TRYING?

• Sam comes in with a glass of whiskey and the therapist starts writing IMMEDIATELY DJDJSJSK

• Sam is explaining his everyday life and the therapist is literally trying not to dive out the window.

• “i was in a bad mood two days ago, this fucker looks at me wrong and i cap ‘im between the fuckin eyes. can you believe that shit? he had the nerve to look at ME like that” “Sir You Are Literally Clinically Insane-”

• towards the end of the session the fuckin therapist needs a glass of whiskey and they dont even drink

• Paulie tries it once but he is scared to go back because he knows things are so fucked and he just. does not like talking about it :( someone please hug him

• Tommy goes for the ACTUAL session, talks about the shit he’s seen/done and is practically begging for some relief from nightmares/night terrors (medication wise, he just wants his brain stabilized)

SAM NO...christ he would be a disaster wouldn’t he.  i don’t think he’d actually talk about anything really serious, especially after the saint and the sinner (aka, losing michelle as a support system) because he’d completely crack if he had to acknowledge it all.

god you’re right about paulie, the last thing he wants or needs is further self awareness when he can’t really do much about his circumstances.  and you’re right about tommy too.  there’s a reason paulie and sam tried to keep him away from the rough stuff at least early on.

you know.  i wonder if frank would go.  he seems like needs someone to talk to, especially since he’s the advisor and therefore kind of the guy that other people talk to.

#sorry for the delay btw i couldn't answer when i first saw it and then forgot #ask #sam trapani #paulie lombardo #tommy angelo #frank colletti

[big-bundle-of-little-mistakes]

Well admitfedly I'm not doing good. Someone told me that I expect everyone to cave to my will and whims and the whole family has to walk on eggshells for me because of my issues (depression and anxiety, and being mostly nonverbal when upset because I need time to calm down first and put my feelings into words. Which isn't to say I don't want to revisit it later, like a mature adult, bit right now, I can't. I think it's because I have autism but I haven't gotten tested. I did get tested for and diagnosed with ADHD though. Have tried 2 different prescriptions but haven't found the right ones yet. Just pucked up my mood stabilizers for my vipilar depression this morning.) And this family member that said so expects to discuss things right away. I am not allowed time to process my emotions. This has always been the case growing up till now. He told me that he understands I have issues but he is just trying to bring me into reality. This really stung and made me feel like I am a selfish awful bitch who ruins everyones days and I need to just lock myself up at home and never leave again because I make everyone's lives worse, so I went inside and pounded the fuck out of my head and leg yelling at myself that I'm fucking worthless and awful and will never amount to anything. I scrarched the skin off my arms, hit my head while crying driving home several more times, screamed out loud to myself "you'd be fucking better off dead!" And went inside, collapsed crying on my bed, and was thinking the entire time "this is exactly why, because you are THIS. You are so fucking stupid and broken and sensitive. You're selfish and you're awful and you don't deserve to live. You'll never matter to anyone, nobody can ever love you, you'll never be better. You're mentally unwell and need to die" so I dialed the suicide hotline but hung up. I broke open my bottle of alcohol (not usually a drinker, last drank from home on New Years when playing video games with some friends, which is just a week under 6 months ago now), chugged straight fdom it, chopped all my hair off, and am crying in my bed now.

I have therapy in 2 hours.

And I just feel like shit. I hate myself. I believe I need to die. I don't think I deserve anything good because I AM sensitive, and acting this way only proved his point. Leading up to this I was already having really high anxiety, and struggling to get through the day, just waiting to get home and clean my camper (what I'm living in) and pet my cats and work on some art and learn Japanese. I just needed to go home. But he pulled me aside to say this to me 30 seconds before I could go home. And I just feel like I'm such a worthless piece of shit.

I have also been struggling to eat for the last 6 months, and battling the depression. I can't go in the store if there are more than 3 cars outside because it makes me too tense.

I just hate myself. One million sperm and I'm the loser that came out. What a fucking joke. What a fucking waste. I'm so sorry my mom carried me for 9 months. That poor woman deserved better.

[i-am-still-bb]

Can we get more than 2 days in a row without something happening?

Friday - He (L) was sad and feeling really down and didn’t want to do anything. I did get him to talk to someone though.

Saturday when I dropped my husband off with a friend so I could have a break (someone else watched Æ) and they (L and friend) went to see a movie and my husband said that he felt manic (high was how he described it) afterwards.

Sunday - nothing happened that I know of - We took Æ to the park and had dinner at a restaurant

Monday - nothing happened that I know of

Today - he’s tired, takes an hour to get out of bed, is just laying on the couch and refuses to do anything. And there’s some loss of reality going on. He refuses to go into half of our house (kitchen, dining nook, and back living room) because it’s not safe. And that extendeds to our back patio. And he doesn’t want to call his therapist or go to group because he’s scared. Scared of what? I don’t know. He also expressed that he was scared to go into the other half of our house because he was afraid that something was going to happened to him. I did try to ask so I could acknowledge the fears. But he won’t tell me. He refused to call to see if he could get that sort of “emergency” appointment with his therapist, but he was positive that the answer would be no. (He also refused to get in our car for me to take him to group - maybe a bit understandable, that was his chosen method. A walk was also out of the question becuase walking hurts. I really only hear about pain when he’s like this and doesn’t want to do something, and he uses the pain as an excuse). I did ask him out right if he was thinking about killing himself or wanting to die. He said that he want’s to be safe. And I don’t know if I can believe that. Because he already knows that if he says he wants to kill himself and has a plan that he’ll be committed, and he has made it very clear that he’ll do and say whatever he has to to avoid that outcome.

His uncle is taking L for the afternoon. The uncle originally came over to watch Æ while I took L to his group therapy meeting. And he is having an appointment tonight with his therapist at 18:00. He had a 1:1 last Friday, and I told him he should schedule two appointments for this week, because this is still really new and he needs more than a single appointment a week. But L did not do that. He scheduled one 1:1 appointment for this Friday. 

He’s been on the anti-depressent for nearly a month now, (with a week long interruption when St. C. took him off of everything. And he’s been on a mood stabilizer for almost a week now. 

--

I don’t know how long I’m going to be able to do this. I have to mask all of my feelings when I’m around him. I’m grieving for my life, my husband, my child, and what I thought my future was going to look like. I’m grieving the fact that having another child (if I had decided I wanted that in several years) is not going to happen; that choice has been ripped out of my hands by this disease. And I can’t even share that with him. And I don’t think I will ever be able to share that. And how are you supposed to have a marriage where you have to keep so much  about yourself and your feelings secret? And I need to protect my kid. I know I have to figure out what my boundary is that would signal that it’s over, but I hate that I have to do that. (Such boundaries are communicated to the bipolar spouse, usually in therapy, so they know what they have to do to make the relationship continue). And I hate that I didn’t know about this shit beforehand. I probably wouldn’t have had a child. I probably would not have married L. I probably would have found a way out a long time ago.

#personal #bipolar #suicide #mental illness

[thiccer-than-sniccer]

My therapy appt went relatively well, here are some things we went over-

-I tend to predict my own and other people's feelings/thoughts/actions and need to work on that, we've went over how destructive self-fulfilling prophecies can be.

-I'm going to have my stepmom hide the scale. There are two in the house and my dad doesn't use the one that I use so he probably won't notice it's gone.

-Every time I go to body check in the mirror, instead I'll say something positive (out loud) about myself. This hasn't worked for me in the past but I'm just humoring her w this tbh.

-I'm going to redo my watch face so it doesn't show me my steps/burnt calories/heart rate/shit like that (I hope that's possible lmao)

-I need to realize I'm not in control of my emotions, if pasta gives me anxiety then it gives me anxiety, but I am in control of my behaviors.

-I'm going to consider going back on a mood stabilizer or anti anxiety medication. It's very possible that anxiety is the root of this and medication could at least help?

-I'm going to come out to one of my friends and my stepmom about my €d. Some anxiety around this is hiding it from everyone, so maybe telling some trusted people will aid in reducing anxiety.

-Try to stop caring so much about the "They think/feel/say" and care more about the "I think/feel/say".

-I need to work on my perfectionism. That is causing anxiety and I need to realize that I can't be perfect and try to accept myself as I am.

I hope this finds some people who may be considering recovery and may help those who don't know where to start. I sure didn't.

#sniccerrants #recovery #ed recovery

[thoughtsaladblog]

Not Yet Goodbye, But not hello.

Well fuck! It's another year around the damn sun- and I'm another year closer to forty. But that's not the main focus of this.. or maybe it is. Let's find out in which direction my mind ambles.

But for starters- as per my last post, it was supposed to be some sad soppy farewell from Morally Grey, given that I believed him not to share an interest in me. Turns out I was somewhat pleasantly mistaken. No don't cheer yet, it doesn't really go in the direction you're hoping. So he is interested in me/attracted or whatever the fuck else, buuuuut he is looking for a partner from the same region as his (understandably so), and therefore while this is all well and dandy, it's really unlikely. Yep.. *insert loud, disappointed sigh here*

The irony of finding someone you genuinely connect with and like, finding he likes you too but you can't get together because of logistics. *insert eyeroll*

But also, in fairness, while that's a perfectly logical conclusion- nothing short of what I'd expect from a rational thinking and logical person- Imma call bullshit. Because imo, if you are genuinely invested/interested in someone and would like to pursue something with them, logistics are just an excuse. Because there's always a workaround that. So let's be real...he ain't that invested. (Hamilton said it best- "you will never be satisfied")

But that's yesterday's news. Today's news is that my stupid heart got carried away with the damn news and of course, the dumb bitch is over-analyzing shit and caring for the bloke and turning into a downright weirdo. She compelled me to buy the bugger a fucking gift!! Fucking simpy shit! Furthermore, the dumb bitch looks forward to talking to the bloke- like it's some daily dose of therapy. Like, calm down sis! This ain't that kinda vibe.

I think it's safe to say I need to reel her in and get real with her. Him being interested doesn't mean you have a shot. So you need to open your eyes and see it for what it is- a futile effort. No, you're not getting your grand, romantic love story here. Keep searching, perhaps you'll find it. Or we can both be real and accept that it doesn't fucking exist and settle for the next best option- mental, emotional and financial stability with whoever the dude.

So starting tomorrow- or rather later today- kindly, distance yourself from the guy and try not to crave his attention so much. And do right by yourself ffs! Also give the guy time and reason to miss you- and a chance to work for your affections- don't just go doling it out like Marie biscuits at a funeral.

Oh also.. No sex? Not in the mood? This is starting to look just grey without the "morally". Where's my bed-rocking, internal organ rearranging, hornier than a hamster sex?? Not gonna lie- I am fairly disappointed. 2 stars from me- and one of them is simply because he sounds cute when he speaks Sinhala. Keep this up and I feel I won't need posts to get me uninterested in the dude... Although somehow his conversations alone are enough to get the blood pumping (in my heart and in my orchid).

[baenxietydad]

Swynrpwrimo Task #6 - Daylist

Disassociating New Wave Post-Punk Friday Evening featuring new wave, post-punk, and darkwave

[tracker]

or what I call the most autistic music to ever autistic, these are all on MY stimtastic dancing playlist

Very fitting bc even tho I tried not to make all of my characters autistic...Marlin absolutely has got the undiagnosed 'tism

He often listens to new wave and post-punk music before work, it's great music to zone out to, because you'll find yourself doing your little dancey dace to it while cutting fruit for the bar without really having to think. The repetitive sounds in the music ground you but it's not so repetitive it's annoying or boring. The electronic sounds in these genres are cool to him but not overwhelming like a lot of music with electronic elements.

This is peak stimming music and he doesn't even know that's what it is lmao.

A lot of this music is probably THE most off-the-wall stuff he listens to, except maybe They Might Be Giants most weird stuff. Like, probably not even Nemo has heard him talk about or listen to some of these songs. Nemo probably grew up listening to some Talking Heads and Depeche Mode because of Marlin off of this playlist!

Tracklist:

Pull Up The Roots - Talking Heads

Blue Monday - New Order

Deep Water - Strawberry Switchblade*

Isolation - Joy Division

Örlögin - Kælan Mikla**

Grey Matter - Oingo Boingo

Durdu Dünya - She Past Away***

Смерти Больше Нет (Death No More) - IC3PEAK****

Personal Jesus - Depeche Mode

Судно - Molchat Doma

This Must Be The Place - Talking Heads

No One Lives Forever - Oingo Boingo*****

Ritüel - She Past Away

Song 3: The meanest thing So-yeon ever did was make him listen to Strawberry Switchblade because they only have ONE ALBUM from the 80's and that's it. PEAK dark wave goodness, truly very mean of So-yeon to show it to him when there's not more content

Song 5: Swynrp canon that the members of this witchy Icelandic dark wave group are all either sorcerers or fairies. Just look at them they're so witchy and faeriecore. He's absolutely not shown anybody this band though lol

Song 7: This is a Turkish post-punk revival duo! Mads also likes them a lot. Mu-yeol might have talked about this duo to people. "Eh, I don't speak Turkish but I love post-punk."

Song 8: The way this man suddenly becomes fluent in Russian when this song comes on shuffle despite only remembering the swear words his Uzbek migrant worker coworker taught him in 2002 South Korea lol. So this is really probably THE most off-the-wall music he listens to regularly. IC3SPEAK is a Russian electronic and experimental hiphop duo whose music sometimes ends up in dark wave playlists, that's how he found them. Their music is often political, criticizing the Russian government, and if there's one thing Mr. Bae loves it's music with a political statement lmao. But if you give him the aux cord and this comes up, he'll hit next because he doesn't want you to look at him and go "What IS this shit?" because he, like me, will be so embarrassed he'll never accidentally mention music he likes in front of you again, let alone play a song for you :):):)

Song 12: This song has done almost as much for him as therapy and mood stabilizers lol

#swynrpwrimomak #swynrpwrimo

[lover-of-mine]

forgive if i'm overstepping but just wanted you to know is okey to be mad that you feel othey are putting all the emotional weight on you , i have notice there's a weid standard that the woman ,the daughter is supposed to be carrying it without complains and feels on their own , and that's well pardon my french bullshit , if someone is not able to regulate emotionally then maybe the solution is getting to learn those skills instead of passing it to the person "is more equipped for it" that were usually force to learned them because nobody else bother to ,anyway sorry for the ramble i don't pretend to know everything about you or you family i'm just trying to say it's okey you feel that way, and you deserve better, you deserve to have your emotionally needs meet and not be the person "keeping it together for the sake of everyone's else" all the time , all of these is valid and i hope it gets better in any way you wish one day.

First of all, thank you, that's very kind of you to come here and remind me that, second some oversharing bellow.

Okay, so I get why those 2 stories alone make it seem bad, and it is, it was, when my dad was back home from the hospital that time I legit cried for half an hour straight, because he was home, everyone was okay so it was okay for me to let it affect me. And today, my mom got mad at me but I went to get my brother. He's better equipped for the situation, I'm not just gonna manage it because I feel like I have to anymore. But my parents have been better at managing this expectation that was always put on me because I am a woman, my dad a lot more than my mom, but this only started when I was like 20/21 so the damage was already done. We actually had conversations about this because of the situation that made my dad realize that something wasn't right because one time we were over at my grandmother's house and me and my brother were studying since we were both in university at the time and I got yelled at for being lazy and being in my computer all the time (mind you I have a bachelor's in computer science, I literally couldn't study without a computer) and my brother was being praised by being so focused and my dad was like "back up they're doing the same thing" it was the only time I've seen my dad fight my grandmother, it was interesting. But like I have a behavioral therapist, I have a physiatrist, I'm on mood stabilizers, they can't really act as if the shit that happened didn't fuck me up. But they try not to do this type of stuff anymore. But my mom still tends to put things on me that are definitely not supposed to be on me in moments of crisis, my dad tries to correct her but since the situation was about him he wasn't there to do it so it kinda totally triggered me. But honestly it's the thing I work through the most in therapy, it's okay for me to be overwhelmed by some of these situations.

#its not all bad #we're all trying #but shit happens #and my reactions aren't always collected #but thank you for checking in #i really need a tag for asks #anon 😌

[hypomanicdaydream]

I'm supposed to be doing EMDR therapy over a past relationship of mine, but I just... can't get myself to do it. I don't know that I'm ready to face that yet. There's a couple reasons for that.

One, it's painful. It's scary to think about. I don't like to think about it. Two, it's more painful now that I have a little more context.

I didn't know I was bipolar back then. I'd been misdiagnosed as depressed and was put on an antidepressant with no mood stabilizer, which we know is bad, bad, bad. Right? So, in just the perfect storm series of events, I ended up in a year long manic episode with nobody who knew me around to tell me I was acting like a fucking nut case. The only reason I got off my antidepressants was because the prescription ran out, and I didn't want to go back to the doctor to get it renewed.

After that, I fell into a year long depressive episode. I did a lot of reading. I did some writing. I was quiet. I stayed offline mostly. I didn't say much or post much. I did a lot of staring at the ceiling. Honestly, it was peaceful. It felt good. But really only good in the context of... I wasn't manic and acting crazy anymore. Truly, I felt like shit about myself and about the last three years of my life.

But all of this happened because of that one relationship. The amount of damage she did to me, even long after she left me, is a lot to process. And I just don't know where to start. I'm thinking of making another side blog just to... I don't know, use it to process that. I don't know.

[spectrelove]

Took a long silent shower and had a couple mini epiphanies

#1 parents raised me to be this way cuz they required a therapist, then a friend, then a co-parent when my older sister was in active addiction, and now it seems I only get full attention when I'm performing some kind of tight-5. It's been more apparent in this last year so I've been emotionally detaching from our codependent dynamic. However I can see some growth cuz my mother acknowledged after our dinner, a few hours later, the point I had brought up. But otherwise, I'm understanding a little more where my dissociation comes from :)

#2 extreme emotions are going to rock my boat so-to-speak no matter where they're coming from. If I experience joy then I will have a few unstable mood days. I was so stimulated from our short vacation that I haven't been able to sleep and my moods have been peaking and diving all over the map. Luckily I've been rational, but I think this is just the expectation from bipolar. Luckily I've been mostly alone outside of work so I haven't been imposing on my friends n family

#3 I keep running thru these terror-fantasies that alex may lose interest or be turned off by my instability and break up with me. Obviously I can't control that, but I think I'm impulsively imagining the feeling of heartbreak cuz my fear-brain is trying to predict a comfortable and familiar outcome based in my abandonment issues. Putting my reactive feelings to the side, honestly it's a sweet thing because this proves just how much I really love him and care for him. He's incredibly important to me and I should do everything I can for us while I get the opportunity to be in a partnership with him

#4 I definitely need to see a therapist regularly lol it's been maybe 4 or 6 months since I've seen her

#5 hmmmm #5 #5 I wish I could get settled down but my mind has been racing since I got back home Saturday night I think I've only slept about 3 or 4 hrs a night

#6 I suck at shaving lol I'm covered in little cuts

#7 I know I can provide the stability he asked for in my unwavering devotion but I'm worried he was initially attracted to me because of my general instability and from what I know about his mother, which isn't much, she wasn't all that stable or present. I just know that he doesn't go to therapy and I'm worried that that initial unconscious attraction is going to sour almost immediately

Ok enough I can feel myself spinning out

I'm not gonna lie I wish I would just have a full blown ep again already instead of all this half-baked interrupted orgasm troublesome stupid symptom shit bipolar sjcks hord cocks

#journal #insert read more but it doesnt work ever lol #put it all in one place thank god i noticed

[nastymeowmeow]

I regret eating all the sushi I ate tonight. I didn't realize how much my stomach shrank from eating such small portions lately. It was fucking yummy but I ate almost 8 hours ago and I'm still full.

I have been surrounding myself with my friends. Going out for dinners, game nights, shooting, smashing glass bottles in the desert, going to the bar, playing video games, watching movies. It's been so good for my mental health to be around people who support me and will let me talk about my heart break without shitting all over my relationship and trash talking her. They just listen and reassure me that I'm not as pathetic and weak as I think I am.

Also Gary, my sweet and loyal little hoodrat apex predator baby. I'd be so much more sad without him.

I uninstalled Plenty of Fish and Tinder. Meeting new girls just makes me sad and it makes me miss her more. I'm trying my best to just let her go, even though deep down I don't want to. I'm so in love with her I can't just move on. I'm not ready to fill that hole in my heart with someone else, and that's okay.

I'm starting to feel okay with us not being together. Still very sad about it, but I understand I can't control it and it's not my fault. I've been trying to redirect my sadness and see positive things that are happening to me.

I got an extra $400 on my paycheck last month, three months of my rent is paid for in advance, and I got a raise. I haven't lost any money gambling with scratch tickets. My sister moves in next month and she will help me pay half of my bills. I've been cleaning up my house and working my way through all of my things and cycling out things that I don't need or use. I've been eating healthier. Much less and smaller portions. I'm heading into the weight that I want to be. I'm keeping up on my chores, which gives me more time to relax. I get a small vacation from being a single mom and I get to see my friends whenever I need them. I'm taking my meds and my moods have been stabilizing. I've been sleeping more and I've been doing self-care. I got to make art that I'm proud of.

I don't give myself credit for the good things I've been doing for myself.

Sure I started a nicotine addiction. I'm losing weight way faster than I should be. I haven't been taking advantage of all of my resources to be able to make good money on my art. I stopped prioritizing going to the gym... but the good things I'm doing for myself dramatically outweigh the "bad" things.

Over the next few weeks I really want to just put my head down and focus on my art. I feel like I might need to recruit some help from my friends to keep me accountable and motivated, but I want to make it a priority. When all else fails, art will always be there to make me happy.

I want to finish my art therapy practitioner program. I want to work on my class curriculum so I can start teaching. I want to organize my commissions and start knocking them out. I want to update my Etsy shop and work on getting my NFT's submitted for auction. I want to get my certification so I can start hosting group art therapy sessions and help people learn new skills and give them an emotional outlet.

I am meant to do so much more with my life, and I need to focus and commit.

I miss this feeling. Purpose and fulfillment.