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#therapy journey

I like this blog because it offers me anonymity. I like it because I can express my emotions through writing, something I used to be very good at. I like it because I put effort into it, into the writing and even though it’s just 2 pieces yet, I am proud of it.

I like dogs because they are happy to see me, and some days I am not happy to see myself. Some days I don’t want to look at myself in the mirror because I look like a failure, something I am not ready to accept, and never will be. I like dogs because when they look at me, they pretty much only see treats and pets, they only hear words of affection spoken in silly voices. They hear the kissy sound I make to grab their attention and wag their tails in approval and excitement. I like dogs because they seem to like me. I like dogs because they are easier to understand than anything else. They will be there for me even when I am not there for myself.

I like my mother because she believes in me. I like her because she has always loved me. i like her because I can count on her support. Some days are bad days with her. We fight, often. She can be hurtful, but I think I have that in common with her. I like my mother because I can call her any time of the day or night, because I am her most precious thing. 

I like debating because it is a good exercise for my mind. I like it because I am good at it, and because I learn so much from it. I like debates because I get to meet new people who are articulate and the conversation with such people is never dull. Sometimes I will choose the side opposite to my natural opinion, just to broaden my horizon and help myself reason better. I am proud of this habit.

I like all of these things and so many more yet i am sitting on my bed in tears. It is because I like all these things but I do not like myself, not today.

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This is what Ms. Malhotra told herself at 12.20am on 17th May, not fully sure if she believed it herself.

Did she need therapy? Only time would tell. However, some would say that time had already told- she had spent the past hour googling the differences between stress and anxiety (of which the Psychology NCERT had never deigned to inform her) and looking for a free online chat with a therapist. At that moment, she was fairly relieved that she had been unsuccessful for the latter. Searching and seeking out was one thing, but actually talking to a therapist would mean having to tell her mom about it and frankly, she did not want to hurt her amazing and brilliant mother like that. She didn’t know how exactly it would happen, but she was sure it would be hurtful.

And why wouldn’t it, she argued. Seeking out a therapist would automatically mean she needed help with things other people did not. After all, there was entire batch of kids with Term Exams around the corner and were they all running off, crying and weeping to a therapist? She suspected not. Her mother had raised her better than to complain and cry and do nothing but avoid her problems. Which was, of course, what she had spent the day doing. Her productivity was abysmal and her chances of passing low- but as any other protagonist of any other story, this was the lowest of the lows that she could only go higher from. She hoped.

But this part of the story isn’t dedicated to deciding whether Ms. Malhotra required professional psychological counselling- perhaps a later part would be. No, this part is dedicated to the antecedent events that led to her sitting on her chair in the middle of the night, sobbing and googling “chat with a therapist online free.” Free, because she wasn’t putting a payment like this on record for which her mother would have an immediate email.

But first, you must understand that Mrs Malhotra was not a hard-ass, strict disciplinarian. In fact, she was quite the opposite, and acutely self aware of it, which was a source of both comfort and annoyance to her only daughter. No, Mrs Malhotra was quite possibly the coolest mother one could have- well, as cool as a mother could be while erring on the side of morally correct. She was a friend to her daughter, her partner in crime, a great audience to both her jokes and her woes and she did it while making sure her daughter was raised well.

Why then, you’d ask, was Ms Malhotra so hesitant to tell her mother about her search history? Surely, her easy going and lovely mother would understand.

The fact of the matter is, that Ms Malhotra did not feel so, and it was because she felt her mother would somehow worry more and be disappointed in her. God forbid, her mother might even take the blame on herself before she would be able to explain to Mrs Malhotra why she felt she was Like This. She could not let that happen. She was protecting her dear mum from a possibility that could well be the product of a sleepless night and a bad day. Really, she was.

So, how did our protagonist end up here?

It all started on a Monday, or a Tuesday- she didn’t remember exactly because she had been sick. Nothing serious of course, just a mild cough with fever and expectoration. She had just finished shifting into her new, notably single room 2-3 days back and she’d spent the whole night with the a.c. on. Sitting in the small room, with no other work than blowing her nose and clearing the back of her throat, she had called her mother, cried on the phone about missing her and being ill. That very Friday, her mother was in town. The visit was notable in many ways, one of which was the amount of work she had got done and the other was her mother meeting her friends and her delightful boyfriend (who was also her friend, thanks very much). That wonderful dinner left her in high spirits, and much to discuss with her mum.

Now that Mrs Malhotra had visited her, she had no excuse to fail, yet she was scared she would. She wasted days and days trying to let the anxiety pass. So many minutes that felt like hours of intrusive thoughts where loved ones either died, or mourned her untimely but slow death. This had been the third day in a row where she, objectively, knew that she had not done as much as she had planned. All because of her worries, her anxiety, her stress- whatever you call it. She had been in her room, watching her new favourite show on Netflix with dinner. As soon as she paused and decided to study, she started getting intrusive thoughts. Later, she would not be able to recall the exact nature of these thoughts immediately, but they did have an impending sense of doom. Towards the end, she knew she was thinking these thoughts, her own brain making up scenarios that she hoped she never had to live through. This time, it was her boyfriend, let’s call him Mr Manoj, who got shot, in front of her. You’d ask why, and the only answer you would get is that she didn’t know. She didn’t know why she punished herself like that, all she knew was that this had to stop.

As her anxious brain spun this story, she felt she needed more air and started breathing heavily, she started crying, completely out of control of herself and ended up calling Mr Manoj. At first he did not pick up, but then he called back and she smiled. This was her boyfriend- she would always suspect he’d slip up and do something wrong, but he didn’t. Not that he never did anything wrong, he just did when she least suspected it. Perhaps that was worse, perhaps it was better. Who knows?

Anyway, when he called back, Ms Malhotra calmed herself down and picked up the phone. They talked about exams, this and that. Of course, he realised she was stressed. She had been relatively silent the whole call, but now she was positively soundless. She was, in reality, crying but hiding it well from her boyfriend. She cut the call in that stretch of silence and cried then. He called her back, but she cut it once more. Then, she texted him “I’m fine now, thanks” which was a complete lie, but she told herself it was for the better. Her boyfriend should not be her therapist.

After this, many thoughts crossed her mind. Thoughts of seeing a therapist, of telling them everything. She had thought about it before, but now it was stronger than ever. Crying because she was doing it finally, and also because of so many other reasons, she googled for chatting with an online therapist. And she’d have done it, too, if they hadn’t asked for money.

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Part 1 of Therapy: Taking the first step 

So today I took the first (second, if you include that experience of going in and making that appointment) step: had my first session with a counselor. It was more of a consultation experience, in which I filled out a bunch of psych-scales and surveys to gage my mental health, in which she asked me what my goals were, I had the space to share what I was looking for, and share parts of my story with her. I went in with somewhat of a clear idea of what I wanted, but once we got started, I felt agitated and my mind went a little cloudy, and I didn’t mention half the things I could have. I’ve been feeling fairly positive lately, so going into the appointment I had made in a very depressed or low state, it was hard to - and I didn’t necessarily want to - get into that mindstate and peel away the layers to the more vulnerable parts. That being said, we did cover a symptom of the root problem, which is a start, and I want to believe that God led me to focus the conversation on that specific issue (anxiety) over other ones. 

At first it was really hard to start sharing, and with a complete stranger no less, the traumas of self-doubt that have been plaguing me for so long, but her kindness and knowledge spoke volumes to directing the conversation so I could more easily share what I was looking for. And I won’t lie, I was crying about 30 seconds into our having started a conversation - blubbering, would be more accurate, at least for later. I think it was being that vulnerable, and finally saying aloud what has been haunting me for so long, and taking this very tangible, very real step towards healing. But I also think it was the feelings of inadequacy that came with sharing these parts of me that make me feel so weak, and when I spoke them, I felt the need to embody weakness more? She asked me questions to help guide the conversation and help me articulate my goals, in between my bouts of tears. But I did not feel embarrassed about crying. I’m really glad and grateful for having the opportunity to have access to and speak with a counselor, not only that bu a female one, and one that is non-prejudiced and kind. In the end, we discussed where we would go from there, and she put the steering wheel in my hands - would I prefer group therapy sessions? individualized sessions? or both? self-help practical step-by-step guide? That part - where I could feel more in control was really important, I think, in hindsight. Unfortunately, the next appointment (which I realize I will have to reschedule) will most probably not be with the same counselor. That part will be a little tough I think, because I felt safe with her - to open up. But God knows best, He will give me a counselor that is the best for me in this journey. 

I’m learning the importance of TRYING, of DOING. I’m learning (thanks to the beautiful beautiful Mel Robbins) that confidence comes with DOING, showing yourself that you CAN, and that starts with making yourself UNCOMFORTABLE. Besides, how else can growth and change happened? I know that I am in this position for a reason. Screw perfection, self-doubt, and overthinking. I know I will be back to my confident, easy-smiling self - and more than that in no time with the grace of God. Here’s to getting uncomfortable, to TRYING, to DOING. 


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There will be a new series of posts in the future.

Therapy Journey is going to be a new tag on my personal blog.

I have been struggling for quite some time about my own personal identity and my gender (bodily) dysphoria/dysmorphia.

I have been having more anxiety attacks and depressive episodes now than I ever have in my life.

It is about time I made some changes.

I won’t go too much into detail about why else I’m going, but I know that I have a lot of growth to make.

I have been trying for the past 3+ weeks to find a therapist/psychiatrist that is in my insurance’s network. I thank my mom for being such a trooper and helping me make calls when my social anxiety makes it damn near impossible to do anything lately.

It has taken that long due to scheduling conflicts with my job and the availability of a professional that is in my area and available for evening/weekend appointments.

I’m glad to finally begin a new journey, and as part of my personal plan, I want to be more open about my mental health. Who knows, maybe someone else is having problems like me. I just turned 25 last month and a little over a month ago I started experiencing a ton of new mental health red flags that I never experienced before.

Here’s to hoping things get better soon.

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ok update on the therapy shit not that anyone cares but ya know this is my blog n imma talk about whatever

i show up and they were like sorry ur appointment is next week,,,,, this bitch tho told me it was every wednesday and did not mention that didnt include this wednesday so that was awkward as hell but she took me anyway but then shamed me about not remembering but i swear nobody told me!!!!! but luckily she just happened to have a cancellation n all but i just wanted to go home i was embarrassed and uncomfy and i told her about how i didnt know what to say and i was just depressed n thats all and she was like well we can prep for when u go to the psych eval on the 19th or whatever i was like gucci so we made a list of my symptoms and i felt so PITIFUL like i feel like a sad excuse for a person bc she just kept asking me what kinda things i do in my free time and everything and i was like,,,,,, lady all i do is sleep…… UGH but anyway i feel like it went ok eventually but i still feel like this isnt???? therapeutic???? like i wish i could just drive so i can leave my house whenever like that would be the best thing for me bc im so TRAPPED so idk hopefully i can do that soon. i talked about how i was afraid of driving bc i literally cant even remember anything from my last few lessons and i forget immediately and i can focus for shit and i have a blind spot bc of my lazy eye and blah blah blah but i gotta get over it bc i NEED to leave my house more or im gonna kms

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i have therapy in an hour and i dont know what to do im rly anxious about it bc i dont know what to talk about,,,, i feel like this was all a bad idea and i shouldnt be in therapy bc i dont have any problems to work out or at least not that i consciously know like i feel like i have no reason to be sad but i just am. i dont feel like i have anything to talk about i just think i need meds

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It felt surreal to be back in a chair and trying to shove all my problems into words in an hour time slot. I always wonder if I’ll somehow misrepresent the issue or miss things, but damn… This time I wish that was the case.

This was only the intake session, so it was mostly just me answering questions so she could see where we could start off… but I got to some info and just gave her my answers and as she looked at me she explained the issue right away as if somehow she was living the disguised nightmare for the whole 8 years.

I lost one of my most beloved alters for you. I lost everything for you. Why was I the only one that thought it was worth it? Why can everyone see the problems and I so desperately wanted it to be okay? And why, for the love of all that is holy, do I still have to deal with this? I thought the nightmare was ended, because you’re not what I want anymore, but apparently the damage doesn’t disappear or heal as quickly as I dreamed it would.

I have been slowly (very slowly) processing everything we went over today and I finally got to this and I just… I cannot wait for the day this is a memory and not an unnoticed open wound I never remember I have until salt is poured straight into it.

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We not a bit know how long we’re stir to be in this asia minor, right i is very eminent to understand that we need up to doxologize each and every day as if he were our last. You can incorporate holistic therapy into your life as far as genuinely and might your not oppose journey utterly the babysit - body - spirit level connections. It is uttermost back really enjoying our life as a sum, and living not to mention no regrets, so that we can inaugurate the power of the time that we are here.

When you gouge out into the commonwealth of holistic tropical medicine, it is all and sundry about working to enhance your life so that you can have those positive mind issues, a physical healthy body, and your deeper supernormal level connections from with in your soul level. So what does this have to do with living each day as if it were our end? If none pertaining to us really realize how long we are hitherward, it is vitally important to really-truly embrace each and every day thuswise that we meet run externally any regrets.

Our time is short on this planet, when him really break fittings plains and look at how long we’ve been here and are irradiated to this estimation regarding life, so you is worthy to really hold this various and every moment that passes. You can enhance this experience wherewithal working with Reiki curing in your existence, not plainly for self healing purposes, but also for on all counts of the areas in your life that you are enhancing. It is all in all directions the journey from near in.

To fertilize regardless of reiki theriac in favor of these purposes, alterum is important so first be attuned so whatever Reiki energy healing format of your way of escape. Directly you have been quietly trained, it is skyward en route to them to thereon start using your own self-healing abilities, as well-to-do as knocking into the allover communicant, to enhance and enlighten your own pathway hall life.

Start on your own new holistic therapy journey presentness, and remember to live as if each day as proxy for your last to enhance and love your life up-to-the-minute every and all aspects!

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“Two years of reconstructive surgery, or you could amputate it.”

“And I said ‘Amputate it.’”


“If I stay in the hospital, the media wins.”


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My Reiki Journey

Hello Dear Ones,

Last week, I received my attunement for Reiki Level II. I received the symbols necessary to continue my path and begin to heal the greater community.

I will not share what those symbols are, as per tradition outlined by Sensei Usui; they remain secret even from those learning this technique until they receive them during their attunement, and I wish to honor that.

I am slated to complete Level II training on the 28th of this month - however with the current public safety and health concerns at top priority, it will likely be delayed. The same will follow for the healing clinic I was to participate in that same week.

Instead of feeling down, I am using this time for deeper study and to develop my healing practice further. I remember and trust that Reiki energy intuitively goes where it is needed the most, energy is fluid, and this too shall pass.

And so it is. ✨


Originally posted by hexeosis

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Just dropping in for a few quick notes!

In the past few days I noticed that my voice seems to be subtly changing… I don’t sound much different, but my singing voice is growing a wider range! I can still hit all the high notes I used to, but now my lower register is expanding. I noticed this because I like to sing along with music when I drive to work, and I wasn’t having as much trouble hitting the low notes.

Another thing that’s happened is that I’ve gained at least 10 pounds since I began T. My body shape itself hasn’t changed much, but T encourages muscle growth and causes fat to settle in different places, and muscle actually weighs more than fat since muscles are more dense… so I think my muscles have developed a bit more and I’m gaining a little more fat/bulk on my waist, rather than on my hips.
Side note, this also means that a lot of my pants are getting too tight for me to wear comfortably. :’BBBB

And now, the final thing I’ve noticed will go under a cut because it relates to sexual stuff. Check it out below!

Keep reading

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March 9th, 2020

It’s my 1 month anniversary of starting T today! Yay!!!

I had a doctor’s appointment today to check in on my progress and see how I’m doing. I relayed my notes on my observed changes to her, let her know I’m feeling good, and asked if we could increase my dosage. She said yes, so now I’m going to be at 0.5ml - up from the 0.3ml I started at!

We also talked about birth control possibilities - I’ve become sexually active, so I want to have protection. I also would love to stop having a period because mine are quite painful… After going over the options I think I’m going to opt for an IUD because it’ll last 3-5 years and I don’t have to worry about taking a pill every day. Aside from that, we’ll see about figuring out a way to stop my periods if they don’t stop from just taking T.

So that’s my update! Thanks for reading!

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It’s wild to me but therapy is honestly really ripping into me and giving me a good look at where I am in life and as a human and the person I’m capable of being if I actually put my guard down.

When I become vulnerable, my therapist offers me a nonjudgmental safe space and enlightens me to more than ive seen or realized before.

I’ve realized that even tearing down my wall just a little, which to me at the time feels like I’m baring my soul, I get 125% back & it really helps break that wall I’ve constructed for years and years. I go in thinking I know myself and I leave actually starting to know myself.

It took years and many many therapists to reach this point and it’s very uncomfortable for me because it literally feels like a layer of skin is being torn off at times and I feel uncomfortable about it but it’s chiseling away the hard exterior that I didn’t realize has been holding me back.

I highly recommend therapy for anyone that wants to get their life back and I urge you to not settle on a therapist or treatment until you feel uncomfortable yet also safe because you get ten fold what you put into it and I feel incredibly lucky to have been able to find a place that holds me like I’m actually something in this world instead of just an appointment on a schedule.

Big shoutout to lakeview and their staff. Everyone from receptionists, to med doctors, to therapists. Y’all really make everyone feel like a someone and you listen which is more than just with your ears but y’all are fantastic at that too.

I’m just stoked to be amongst such a great group of people.

Also someone brought their pit bull therapy dog one of the last times I was there and I’ve never been to a therapy place that lets me snuggle a doggo while a receptionist diligently works to make an appointment schedule that fits my preferences and my own schedule.

Y’all are something special.

& shoutout to Gary, my trauma therapist, for starting something bigger than the demons that drag me down.

I really have an incredible group of health professionals taking care of my mental health and I’m really thankful to still be here to experience what this feels like.

Heidi, my nurse, you were the bombdotcom too

Peace & love

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