#theres literally something wrong w me

[trans-xianxian]

also I just never really learned the skill of Making Friends With Someone. I don't really get how it works. like I am Incredibly good at Getting Along With People and being performatively charming, I can get along with almost anyone and be polite and friendly and have continous positive social interactions with them, but I don't know how to turn that into actual friendship. and some of this is my fault because I Know that I'm chronically afraid of over stepping and not realizing that I'm pushing myself onto a person who doesn't actually want to be friends with me so I just never reach out and that's bad and I need to stop doing that. but also how is it possible that no one ever reaches out to Me. ever. at all. I never have the chance to Accept the offer of a potential friendship. like what am I doing so wrong to signal to other people that they shouldn't try to be friends with me. like whats the deal

#like can I just not tell? are ppl trying to be friends w me and I just don't get it so they stop? #do I need a shirt that says I can't take hints throw rocks at me? #I refuse to accept that there is just something irrevocably wrong w me that makes it so no one wants to be my friend. so whats the catch. #I know I can make friends I have some. and by some I mean 5 #my entire social circle aside from ppl I'm literally related to #is 5 people #and theres nothing Wrong with that #I just wish it wasn't true about me #but I just don't get what I'm doing wrong #it feels like a stupid hopeless game no one ever told you the rules to but you're expected to understand anyway #anyway sowwy I've just been feeling very lonely lately lmao #need to make new friends need to be gay kissed #ghost posts #text

[simonstamenovic]

if i moved the whole part of the check we saved to checking no i didnt ❤️

#bloodletting #less than 200 isnt enough and weve only had like 6 paychecks its fine we can save more w the second job #reminding me i need to make sure im not like doing anything wrong with tax bullshit im NOT giving the government money #we dont make enough to do that (literally) #theres still like 200 something in savings its not dire im just like i need to buy and we as a whole especially jaskier need to help people

[6-2-aestheticsofhate]

Something funny is that as a native person who grew up on the rez is that almost my entire lineage has been native and from the rez. Every single person who wasn't was an outlier who came to the rez and married in. I don't really consider myself as apart of their cultures because it was so long ago and i'm technically full status because of how long ago those happened.

But this does lead to funny situations like me going is this weird? I don't feel overly connected to this culture because of how far away in my lineage that family member was and I've never known them/learned about their culture. While doing something as simple as eating spitzbuben

#also i tried spitzbuben for the first time today #like theres nothing wrong w eating something from a culture thats not urs #its just my brain is fucking stupid and goes haha look at this idiot buying german food despite only being like. 1/12 german or whatever #literally no other cultures food makes me feel like this #just german stuff ajdkflvlh #personal #also 1/12th is just an estimate i dont actually remember how far back the german relative was

[evilyurifan]

how do i start setting firm boundaries with this kid in my club who keeps making unfunny jokes and taking over the whole meeting and pissing me the fuck off without like dragging down the vibes of the entire thing. because i did not manage it tonight, i got genuinely hostile and killed the vibes👍

#he is in the wrong here like fucking. if theres four people in ur club meeting for the week #and you say ‘hey put on this clip of this brutal saw trap’ #and one of the other people (1/4 of the group!) says ‘i do not want to see that’ #i think u r an asshole for insisting on watching it! and making me have to awkwardly sit in the hall cause just hearing the audio made me #feel nauseous! #lime.txt #sigh. he also just like. he doesnt mesh with the group he’s a first year but he acts like a middle schooler #i get being a fucking 18 year old guy and joining a niche media club and like not understanding feminism #but when other people make pretty clear that they are uncomfortable with something you are doing. quit fucking doing it #and i swear to god he keeps making us watch nu metal music videos #like today he did it TWICE every fucking time we start talking about something else #like me and this other guy started talking about gundam and he was explaining in depth why he was disappointed w the turn the 2nd season #of iron blooded orphans took and i was like omg interesting and he was like was gwitch good and then i was like yeah its an homage to rgu #and literally mid conversation this other kid puts a fucking linkin park music video on the tv and makes us all watch it. like fuck offfffff #sorry im genuinely too mad to do my work rn i need to destress im gonna have some cereal

[mypimpademia]

I love spirituality and seeing other ppl on social media that are spiritual share things but I hateee when I get to that side of the spiritual community that's anti vaxx and shit😭😭 like not everything is the government brainwashing us and ppl aren't sheep just bc they aren't spiritual this is why ppl look at us crazy please stop I beg

#pimpvinity #pimprants #i hate to start my spiritual tag w negativity but lawd #bc theres nooo way i just seen a girl say she doesnt believe in modern medicine or general modern care #like she literally said shampoo and other hair and skin products😭😭 #like yeah there are natural alternatives but too much of anything is bad for you and sometimes natural alternatives arent always good #'youre sick bc theres something wrong w your mind!! you dont need medicine!!!' #like no im sick bc my room is dusty and im allergic to dust⁉️ #but dont get me wrong ill still cleanse my space and myself!! #but not everything is mind control or you having low energy😭😭

[wulfhall]

no because i literally thought joss whedon was called josh whedon for the longest time and just thought everyone else was pronouncing it weirdly. josh lmao

#i literally dont care about 90% of the things hes made its just bc we were discussing buffy #ive literally read his name in print countless times and i still thought he was called josh theres something so wrong w me

[fortyflightower]

ok last one but this song has been stuck in my head for the past week

#was so obsessed w this when i was like 13 #TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGHT THAT I WILL FALL FOR YOU.... OVERRRRRRR AGAIN #literally every time i listen to it i feel such intense shrimp emotions i think theres something wrong w me #SoundCloud

[29121996]

.

#all of this sucks !!!!!!!!! #bc theres a barrier between me n . wanting to date again i am literally sending my brain #into overdrive to figure it out #its like pixking at stone and vines w my bare hands #its fucking humilating and painful but im doing it !!! bc i dont understand how im still here feeling like this #ive spent . a long time getting over him so why am i still doing this. #i wanna be Over it and over all of this already. #i feel like a trapped animal. #anyway i gotta work tonugjy atp im behging the universe to throw him in my path so #it triggers Something and i can move tf on #bc ik stuff n i feel stuff . but bc im not even sure im right abt Any of it . its keeping me in a weird stagnancy #but i KNOW im right i literallt have to be . i cant be wrong abt this . im too familar w all of this TO be wrong #i just . dont even know what i want anymore either like HA . im trying to overwork myslef #so i dont have to think abt it. but thats come w consequences #i am at Overstimulation point bc of People so . thats cool !!

[silverislander]

i know logically in my brain that i have a disorder that makes it hard for me to focus and do work, the symptoms of which are not gonna go away bc other people need/want me to do stuff, and still like. i'm behind on a bunch of shit for school rn and i'm kind of spiralling over it bc WHY IS IT HARD. this is stuff i like doing and that i want to do. and i can't for the life of me fucking do it and the deadlines are coming up and i NEED TO FUCKING GRADUATE so it has to get done

#i have two assignments due for indigenous lit and i havent even read/watched the materials which is fucking shameful ngl #im so disconnected and behind in that class its not even funny. ive been skating by reading part of the books and doing shit last minute #and i feel awful abt that in particular bc i WANT to give it my full attention. i want to learn. this is important and interesting to me #im also a week behind on my essay which terrifies me ngl #im a week OUT from the next deadline and thats not getting met. which begs the question of when im going to be able to submit it #when i asked my prof for extra time he said he trusts me to 'work conscientiously' which. god. thats so kind but i dont do that #theres an assignment next week for book history that i dont have even started and dont understand #and i cant make myself do fucking anything at all i want to fucking cry #why cant my brain work normally please this one time #why cant literally anyone in a position of authority take me seriously that its a problem i am literally begging rn #im tired of being told that im smart so i can do it bc i literally cant anymore! its been getting worse for years! #i Am smart enough to do this but something else is wrong!! please!! im trying so hard and i know its not this difficult for everyone #im only taking 4 courses! i know people taking 5 who arent struggling as much as me w workloads!! #its gonna take me failing for anyone to care and i cannot fail at this point. im almost done #levi.txt #vent tw #and then i also feel bad bc i blame everything on my adhd #but also. it does fucking affect all aspects of my life #and i feel like i complain too much but that simultaneously nobody is getting how hard shit is for me/how im not ok #delete later #im not asking for attention rn im just yelling into the void dw abt it. ill probably feel better in an hour or two

[stolenslumber]

i got a mechanical keyboard bc im trying to improve my desk ergonomics this year lmao (i spend simply unconscionable amounts of time at my desk bc of grad school) and then i went down a rabbit hole of keyboards so now im trying to find the best one to type on out of the box and it would be so nice to write fics with these keyboards but instead what am i doing? schoolwork

#all to say............. i've been doing all my case briefs and writing this trial brief for school on a mechanical keyboard #but i've only written like maybe 500 words of fic on it (rip) #however the total fic is at like 17k words now lmao! still have........ i wanna say like....... 30-40% plot points to get through? #theres something severely wrong w/ me and it won't get fixed for a while (see: grad school) #also i literally am writing this post after finishing up some schoolwork after coming home from going out to celebrate a friend's birthday #like....... sadly there are no off days. or even off hours. #ss.school

[nightfallsystem]

i hope i go dormant or smth jesus christ i fucking suck i am hte worst alter known to man i swear

#i literally do nothing for this system. #nobody really does except reed 🕴️🕴️🕴️ and the guys that are dormant but come back incase im abused again #ok ok. im gonna go on a very trigggering vent / rant #tw vent #tw self harm #GUYS IS IT DUMB I STILL MISS MY EX BECAUSE . HE W . HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO TOLERATED ME CUTTING MYSELF FOR HIM #i DONT THINK THATS BAD but only in my case in others cases thats bad BUT IN MY CASE #cuz. i chose to. #idk..... he left .... ahhg #LIKE LIKE I CUT UR NAME INTO MY BODY AND U RANDOMLY LEAVE WITHOUT A WORD??? #i sound rude and awful. but . idk im just hurt #this was . a while ago mind you #it was a stupid online thing who cares. #im just a stupid fucking kid. i hate myself #BUT GOD WAS IT GOOD #i still crave it and i dont know why #maybe what i really crave is someone who assures me constantly they wont leave and tells me they love me. idk #maybe im just weird but i miss him so much it felt so good it felt too good . jesus fucking christ. #i hate myself.. #theres something wrong with me or smth

[cirillafionaelenriannon]

the agonies are getting to me tonight because i'm finally taking the steps to doing something i'm good at & have wanted to do since i was really young and my family couldn't care less about it, and it's just another harsh reminder of how Things are and how they'll always be.

it is so difficult to exist around other people who don't relate to this too. i mean like Growing up with serious serious emotional neglect. i've been dismissed, walked over, yelled at, emotionally tormented, abused, gaslit and humiliated my entire life by my family and even through all the convincing i've done for myself that their approval and their attention is the last thing i could ever want or need, i still NEED it so bad like i need fucking air or something! i think about my childhood self showing my mother a drawing, a sims house i built or a story i wrote or anything i did and only getting her criticism, and it's so small and silly, but the things i was always so proud of and wanted her to know about she could only tear apart, and then tell me i was overreacting and too sensitive anytime i confronted her on how she hurt my feelings.

it turns into the most ridiculous, soul-sucking cycle. because years and years of being shunned and shut down and the endless horrors lol of the years and years and yearrrrs passing me by Of having to shut myself down completely just to survive and where do i end up. right here. and right here is where theres no relationship with me and my family, because how could there be after all of that? i didn't see my dad for years and he never tried to protect me from what was going on or tried to reach out, or know me, my whole life i barely remember a conversation we could've had, or whether he cared about anything i liked growing up, or cared about me enough to talk to me about it. and my mothers emotional neglect and abuse left our relationship like this. and they don't know anything about me because of all this lol. at the end of the day my whole family says it's my fault that none of them can get close to me but how could they literally EVER ever ever get close to me after spending my whole entire LIFE avoiding knowing me. but it's my fault because i 'pushed them away' I will literally never heal from the years that were taken from me from the childhood that was taken from me From the person i couldve been had it not been for what my family did to me and i will never ever ever experience the love and attention other people get to experience I will never have proud parents

#text #valkyrie.txt #like once a #month i sit in my room and i think about my life from like 10-13 and i want to literally burn my house down #i have never confronted my mother on it #and im scared one day ill forget all about it #and only be able to remember it from the feeling it gives me when i think about being that age #its one of those things that u think abt and ur like i dont know how i survived it and its like U just did. #and if u went back u couldnt survive it again #theres this ocd video i re-watched a few weeks ago #and it makes me cry so hard everytime because it reminds me of when i was in therapy #and i would tell my therapist about how i felt like i was such a horrible person all the time #like i was constantly guilty of so many things and i wasnt good at all #and its the most painful thing knowing the person who made me feel that way was my mother #and the time i told her that i was always so scared to do something wrong or make mistakes #and she told me not to blame her for my issues #LIKE WHOS FAULT IS IT THEN LMFAO #was i just born with a debilitating fear of failure to her #anyway the video was like people w ocd have such self image and insecurity and shame issues they literally convince #themselves that theyre the worst people alive like SOOO TRUE SO CRAZAAAAY true #i have the insecurity disorder

[radioactivetirade]

genuinely the lowest ive been in years rn. one of those extra shitty days where it literally feels like the world is out to get you yknow :/ shit went wrong from the second i started my day to now 18 hours later . god and i cant even do drugs about it

#first i got only a few hrs of sleep bc my friend needed some support last night #dont regret that but doesnt stop me from being shit tired #i had a full on breakdown over having no fucking friends at school #i had webkinz shit blast from my laptop in the middle of uni class truly humiliating #oh and forgot about how since theres 2 busses that are almost the same i accidentally got on the wrong one #which meant i had to get off in wpg winter wind and find a new bus and walked into class late #anyway then my brain just . wouldnt fucking work on the assignment i had due #then i finally after hours finished it only to find out that my new laptop fucked something up #and i wasnt able to upload any of my files anywhere #so i had to copy paste my whole fucking paper into an email to my profs bc i literally had no other choice #like its possible if i gave an excuse w no proof of completion this close to the deadline that it wouldnt be accepted #so uh yah i feel like shit im dumb as fuck im a repellant human being and i . fuck #i have rly truly genuinely never wished more for either the ability to hibernate #or do many many many many drugs about how im feeling #like goddamn i just literally feel like screaming buzzing in my head and under my skin like i feel actually insane #like not ok

[yurigi]

I understand the world and know how to interact with people normally but I don’t but I do but I don’t but I do but I don’t. But I do. But I also don’t. You know?

#i don’t know how to put it into words #likeee I understand how people work i think maybe but like i feel like there’s some hidden barrier preventing me from truly being In The Kno #w #ir something #like i have these types of thoughts subconsciously all the time but they’re just coming to the surface because it’s 5 am #no matter how much i try to tell myself that im not i always feel like im doing something wrong #like i must process information in a similar way to other people my age right? #but i feel so alienated from them like theres something im missing #its so confusing and it hurts sometimes #like i can recognize when im doing something that’s actually harmful and take responsibility for that #but sometimes i feel like im being punished for doing literally nothing wrong #am i autistic?

[mxdotpng]

thoughts on tales of the abyss so far: i cant do this again. im not strong enough.

#.text #tales #'wow cool character!' AND THEN THEYRE SOMETHING LESS THAN HUMAN AND HAVE REPLACED THE ORIGINAL 'THEM' #whats wrong with me. #anyway i think its soooooo funny that luke fuckin. needed who basically RAISED HIM to betray him. to find out he isnt the real luke. #AND blow up a city. to get his act together. thats sooo fucking FUNNYYYY #ive loved luke since the beginning. he is an awful person. there is very little good about him. and its so funny #i think hes getting better now. or worse! who knows! #theres a darkness in him. #& also. i dont wanna get attached to asch. i donttt i DONTTTT. i dont think hes a good guy the entire game i rlly dont #i dont wanna get attached to him if he dies 💔💔💔💔 but asch and luke remind me of euden and nedrick. so ofc im already FUCKED #i hear this game fucks w people. as in. like. genuinely. every single post ive seen abt this game has been ppl crying abt it #yes thats why i decided to play the game. <3 #also. .... asch isnt the only person in luke's head. like. right? thats. he only appeared AFTER choral castle. #so whos the other guy?????? #hey. luke. come here. #i wont hurt you i promise. #btw. i love jade hes a fucking asshole. #literally there is nobody funnier than him. why is he so fucking funny. #i miss tear btw. and guy. i miss those 2 so much. bring them back NOW. #sigh. this game is gonna destroy me isnt it. #thats fine