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andreafmn · 10 months

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Because It's You | Jacob Black Oneshot

Word Count: 11.1K Paring: Paul Lahote x Female!Reader, Jacob Black x Female!Reader Requested: Yes [@nyctophilia710: "Could you do a Jacob Black x Pregnant Reader One Shot. Y/N was a girl who recently moved to forks Washington, with her father Charlie Swan. The younger sister of Isabella Swan. Y/N falls for a guy named Paul Lahote, ends up getting pregnant with his child, who then cheats on her. Heart broken Y/N goes to an old friend Jacob Black, who she hasn’t seen in years and to much surprise Jacob Black imprints on his pack brothers pregnant ex girlfriend."] Story Description: After (Y/N) Swan moves back to Forks, Washington to live with her sister and her father, she meets one Paul Lahote. Even if her heart had always been spoken for by her childhood best friend, she still falls into a whirlwind romance with Paul that ends with a pregnancy and a betrayal. Can Jacob accept her even in her situation once they are fatefully bonded? Warnings: foul language, teen pregnancy, cheating, implied sexual relations A/N: An eternity and three days later, I finally worked on this request, but at least it's a long one 😬😬 and even though in this household we are Jacob haters, I loved writing him here. Hope you enjoy and that I did the request justice. 💖💖 Also, I'm thinking of doing a part two to this. Should I? My content will always be free, but if you’re feeling particularly generous, you can leave a tip on any of my posts to support me and my love of writing or buy me a coffeeTikTok • Instagram • Business | MASTERLIST If you’d like to be tagged in any other story: click here Make sure you have my notifications on so you know every time I post!

Because It's You | Jacob Black Oneshot

Moving was something (Y/N) Swan was already used to. With her mother trailing her up and down, following Phil Dwyer until they finally settled in Florida. But the novelty of living in a hot crowded state had grown old and something inside her was calling to the coldness of Forks, Washington.

She didn’t understand the sudden urge to move back to her birthplace, but it remained incessant inside her. Growing every day that passed. Her skin itched for the gloomy nature of Forks. The rainy days, the freezing winters, the chilling winds, and the smell of the pines. Long gone was her love for the humid air, the bustling streets, and the burning sun of Jacksonville.

“Mom, can I talk to you?” (Y/N) peeked her head into her mother’s bedroom one day.

Renee smiled and patted the empty spot on the bed beside her. “Of course, honey. What’s up?”

“For some time now I’ve been thinking about moving to Forks with Bella and dad,” she confessed. “It’s not that I don’t like living here, don’t get me wrong. It’s simply that something keeps calling me over.”

“Oh, (Y/N), you don’t need to feel bad for wanting a change in scenery,” Renee consoled. “And I know that your father will be absolutely thrilled to have you there. And even though I will miss you a lot. I, more than many, understand the need to find a new pace.”

“I’m so happy you understand, mom,” she beamed. “I promise as soon as I can I’ll come and visit you. And I’ll call you as much as I can and send you messages.”

“Maybe you’ll finally get Bella out of that weird funk she’s in over that boy.”

“First loves are something that are hard to get over. That’s something you taught me.”

“Oh, me and my ramblings,” Renée chuckled. “Do you need any help packing up?”

“I’ve got it,” (Y/N) smiled. “Thanks, mom.”

The girl packed excitedly, a morose feeling creeping up her back. It wouldn’t be her first time in the cold and rainy lands of Forks, Washington. But it would be the first time she would remain there for the foreseeable future. A mix of nostalgia and anticipation crept through her veins and made their home in her heart.

The hardest part was saying goodbye to her mother. She would miss the woman’s sporadic need to change things up. Whether it was a wall color, a couch, or even a state, their household was always in a constant state of evolution. (Y/N) could never say her life felt monotonous.

Still, she embarked on the seven-hour journey to Washington, ready to start her new life and answer whatever call the town had made to her. She could feel it deep in her bones that there was a reason moving to Forks was the right decision for her, and she couldn’t wait to find out what it was.

Sleep overtook her two hours into the flight, her brain shutting down as tiredness flushed it. One second her eyes were focused on a book, the next, her head had fallen against the side of the plane and flashes of images started fluttering behind her eyelids.

But (Y/N) could not understand the visions that her subconscious played for her. She saw a gigantic wolf with russet-colored fur. She saw the back of a man with short brown hair and tan skin. She saw tears. But what jolted her awake was that she saw a baby. And the stewardess welcoming the passengers to Port Angeles, Washington.

She quickly gathered her things, unable to shake the image of that baby from her head. She couldn’t erase the image of the child’s coal black hair, its soft tan skin, its unforgettable big brown eyes. Every feature of the tiny baby had sewn into the very fibers of her brain. But she had to squash it down. To believe that what her imagination had conjured was only that, her imagination. (Y/N) was starting a new chapter and she did not want a silly dream to set off the tone for the rest of her book.

“I can’t believe how much you’ve grown,” Charlie Swan beamed as his eyes fell on his younger daughter. “I swear only yesterday you were a little girl asking to learn how to ride her bike.”

“Hey, dad,” she smiled, wrapping her arms around her father’s waist, sinking into the warmth of his body. “Can’t believe it’s been almost three years since I’ve seen you.”

“Yeah, three years too long,” he chuckled. “But I’m glad I’ve got both my girls with me now. Even if Bella is not quite herself right now.”

“Don’t worry, dad. We’ll get her back to being herself in no time.”

“I sure hope so, kiddo,” he sighed. “Now let’s get you home.”

Both Swans rolled suitcases and carried bags to the cruiser, joy wrapping around them comfortingly. (Y/N) had always loved visiting her dad. Even if it was only two months of the year, she enjoyed spending time with the awkward and lovable man.

Charlie had always tried hard to be a good father. He’d done everything he could to fit a whole year into eight weeks, trying with all his might to form a strong relationship with his daughters. He had always felt guilty for letting Renée take them without much fight, but he had believed it was the best decision for all of them. Even if he could only see his girls for a small amount, they would know how much they were loved.

“I have to warn you, kiddo, Bella is not herself,” Charlie finally spoke. “She’s kind of like the living dead. She goes to school, she goes to work, and she locks herself in her room. It’s like she’s stuck in autopilot and can’t turn it off.”

“Well, it’s her first-ever boyfriend. She’s probably still reeling from the fact that she lost her first love.”

“I guess,” he sighed defeatedly. “I just want her to get better. A boy is never worth your tears.”

It wasn’t long until they were parking in front of the house. The night was quiet, somehow unaware that there was now a new resident in its midst. Even the house had no idea that she had come home. Everything was just as she had remembered. From the couches to the curtains, to the dated kitchen, it was stuck in time.

“You’ve still got your same room,” Charlie smiled. “I wasn’t sure what you’d like so I kept it the same. We can change it up any time you want though. Buy some new paints and sheets or whatever.”

“Thanks, dad,” (Y/N) responded in kind. “And I’ll take you up on that offer. It’s been a while since I’ve liked bright green paint on my walls.”

“Alright, kiddo. Why don’t you go ahead and turn in for the night? Bella is definitely already in bed so you can try and catch up tomorrow afternoon after school,” he offered. “You start on Monday anyway, so you won’t see her until she comes back.”

“That’s done. I’m honestly exhausted and will probably sleep in,” she sighed contentedly. “Well, good night, dad.”

“Night, kiddo. Welcome home.”

Her childhood bedroom was truly exactly like the last time she had seen it. The walls were painted a painful neon lime green, the sheets a shade of teal that seemed too bright for the darkness of the night, and books and dolls littered shelves on the wall. She quickly felt like she had never left home. Only a couple of months into being sixteen and she had regressed to her thirteen-year-old self.

She could see herself spending her summer days in her room, playing make-believe, and imagining what it would have been like to spend more than two months living in Forks, Washington. She dreamed of how it would feel to spend the freezing winters bundled up in front of the fire and drinking hot chocolate. To watch the snow fall as she breathed in the scent of pines and damp soil. To know more of the souls that lived in the small town and the reservation.

After her eyes ran across the room, they fell on a little wolf carved out of redwood. She had forgotten it had existed, but looking at it then made a smile spread across her face. It was choppy and amateurly made, but it had been a sweet token of appreciation from a dear friend.

They had been but ten-year-old kids playing around the barn behind the Black residence. Jacob Black had been excited to show (Y/N) something he had made her, his face lit up with excitement. He dug into the pockets of his too-big-fit cargo pants and pulled out the little wolf.

“Mom used to say that wolves are a totem of protection,” he said sheepishly. “I want to make sure you have something that’s always protecting you. Even if it might seem like it’s all make-believe, but good vibes and everything.”

“It’s beautiful, Jake,” she had smiled. “I’ll keep it with me always.”

“Good, I don’t want anything to ever happen to you.”

“What’s that?” Bella had asked, joining the kids after going to the bathroom. She was already a head taller than the other two, and the fact that she was thirteen already was evident in how disinterested she had been to spend time with her sister and their friend. “It looks bad. Like you couldn’t have spent more than five bucks on it.”

“I made it,” Jake had peeped, his skin turning a deep hue of red. “I spent a whole month working on it.”

“Oh,” she had answered, taking it from her sister’s hands and inspecting it. “It’s cute.”

“Well, I think it’s amazing.” (Y/N) had snatched the totem back. “And it’s mine so your opinion doesn’t really matter, Bella.”

“It’s okay, (Y/N). You don’t have to say it’s good,” Jake shrugged. “I can take it back.”

“No, you have it to me, and I love it. You can’t take gifts back.”

She couldn’t believe she had forgotten the little totem had existed. She ran her fingers over the carved fur, the lopsided snout, the painted black eyes, and the slightly sharp ears. It was still as beautiful to her as she had thought the first time she had seen it. And it made her think of the boy she had grown up with.

It made her wonder how he looked. How tall he had become, how long his hair could have gotten, how broad his shoulders could have become. She wondered if his smile was just as bright, if his hugs were just as warm, and if his laughter was just as melodious. She wanted to know if he was still the same boy she had loved since she was a kid.

The next morning, rather the afternoon, she had woken to the sun beaming on her face. Even in the midst of the January snow, the sun was as bright. (Y/N) stretched out the soreness in her muscles, the seven hours sat on a plane taking a toll on her body. She rolled out of her bed, her eyes taking a second to adjust to her new surroundings. She wasn’t back in her room in Florida, wondering which shorts she would wear to take on the ravishing humidity and heat. She was in Forks now, rummaging through her suitcases for the warmest sweater she owned.

After she had gotten dressed, she noticed the note that had been taped to the door, her father’s scribbly handwriting evident from far away. She took the paper in her hands, a grin tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Thought you might need some wheels to get around, kiddo. It might not be too new, but it runs perfectly. You have Jake to thank for that. Keys are on the kitchen table. J

The girl took off in a run, excitement running through her veins. Before going outside and seeing her new car, she stopped by the kitchen grabbing the keys and a chocolate chip muffin. Outside, a 1971 baby blue C-10 Chevy pickup truck was parked on the driveway, a thin sheet of white snow covering the car. It had been the very car she had been obsessed with since she was a kid and she had started to love cars just like Jake had.

She sat on the driver’s seat, turning on the engine, allowing the car to warm up. Her eyes unconsciously closed, reveling in the rumbling of the car and the warmth that the heater blew. The truck sounded beautiful, as beautiful as she thought it would have been in the 70s, maybe even better. Her fingers traced the inside of the car. She touched the gear shift and the steering wheel. She grazed the stereo that had definitely been replaced and the soft leather seats that had been clearly upholstered. It was perfect.

Jake had outdone himself with the car and it had made her heart flutter that he had put so much care into fixing it. All she wanted was to thank him. And that’s exactly what she had planned to do.

She remembered the road that led to the La Push reservation like the back of her hand. She had spent so many summer days there while her father worked, and she had been excited every single day she went there. The same excitement she felt as she parked by the beach to wait until the high school let out and she could finally see Jacob.

She found a spot on the beach, sitting on a piece of driftwood, watching as the waves rolled in and out of the shore. Even in winter, the reservation was always just a bit warmer, a bit cozier. (Y/N) had always enjoyed the time she spent there just as much as she loved Forks. She loved going to bonfires and splashing around on the beach. She loved the people that lived there and how welcoming they had always been toward her.

A loud hooting broke (Y/N)’s trance, her head snapping to the right end of the beach, not too far from her, where three boys were shouting from the top of a cliff. They were all tall and of deep-tanned skin, their hair chopped similarly, and something she could only assume was a tattoo on the right biceps of each of their arms. She couldn’t believe they were thinking of jumping into the ice-cold ocean, much less than she could believe how little clothes they were wearing.

Her eyes focused on the way the first one jumped, going straight down with a joyful scream before he slipped effortlessly into the water. He disappeared for a second into the dark waves, before he resurfaced with a cocky grin on his face. As he swam to shore, the second boy jumped and her head snapped to see him plummet just as flawlessly into the water.

“You’re not from around here,” a voice called her attention. It was the first boy. His dark brown hair was dripping, the drops falling onto his bare chest. “I would have remembered a pretty face like yours.”

(Y/N) could feel her cheeks growing red, the warmth that filled her body pooling in her face. “I’m not from around here, you’re right,” she smiled. “I’m from Forks. But I used to come here a lot when I was a kid.”

“And why haven’t you been here since then?”

“I just moved back,” she responded. “I’m (Y/N) Swan.”

“The sheriff’s younger daughter,” he said with a grin, sitting next to her. “I’m Paul Lahote. And on behalf of all the residents of La Push, I formally welcome you back to Washington.”

“Well; thank you, Mr. Lahote,” she chuckled. “It’s good to be back.”

“So, are you back for a visit or are you back for good?”

“And why would that be important information, Paul?” (Y/N) smiled teasingly.

“Well, if you’re just here for a visit then I won’t ask you out,” he smiled deviously. “If you’re here for good, then I’m not leaving until you say yes.”

“What if I say now?”

“I don’t take no for an answer.”

“Good,” she grinned the same way he had. “Because I was going to say yes.”

That very afternoon (Y/N) went home with a smile on her face, a new number in her directory, and a forgotten boy pushed into a dark corner of her brain. Her head had been filled with the image of a new one. Paul Lahote’s face had engrained itself in her, sending a rush of dopamine and serotonin through her body.

It wasn’t long until weeks had passed, and she seemed to be spending more and more time with one Paul. She had started visiting the reservation more and more, but it had never been to see the one person she had promised herself to reconnect with. She was spending her time with the Lahote boy, doing much more than just talking. She was sure that she was falling in love. At least she hoped that’s what it was.

Her schedule had become packed. It had been completely occupied by school, long dates in Port Angeles and the rez, and trying to get her sister out of the funk that had started to make the house reek. (Y/N) had grown tired of it and so had Charlie. Bella needed to make a change, for herself and her family.

Though as more time passed it seemed that Bella had found something to occupy her mind. The older Swan seemed to be in the house less and less, leaving early on weekends and coming home late, mimicking her little sister’s behavior. If she wasn’t at school or at work, she would be out of the house with the one person (Y/N) had seemed to forget.

“Why do you think she hasn’t come see me?” Jake had asked Bella one day as they worked on the motorcycles. “She’s been here almost a full month and I have yet to see her.”

“I don’t really know,” she shrugged. “She’s barely in the house when I’m there and I honestly haven’t asked.”

“I just thought…”

“Why haven’t you gone to see her? When I got here you were one of the first people on the welcoming committee.”

“Yeah, and look how well that turned out for me,” he chuckled dryly. “I just want it to come from her to want to see me. I don’t wanna ambush her.”

“Is this about the little crush you used to have on her when you were kids?”

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he blubbered.

“It was obvious you two liked each other. You would get so red in the face and nervous when she was around,” Bella laughed. “You would get all flustered and tongue-tied, it was cute.”

“Was it that obvious?”

“A blind person would have seen it,” she grinned. “But it doesn’t matter now.”

“What’re you talking about?” Jake questioned, his brows furrowing in curiosity. “Why doesn’t it matter, Bella?”

“She’s been dating one of Sam Uley’s friends. Uh, Paul Lahote I think he’s called,” Bella responded. She could see anger surging through him, his body shaking slightly with ire. “She basically spends all her time with him. I’m surprised you haven’t run into them here.”

“I haven’t,” he spoke through gritted teeth. “He’s not a good guy, Bella. You need to tell her to stay away from him.”

“You and I both know that no one can tell (Y/N) what to do,” she chuckled slightly. “And why shouldn’t she date whoever she wants? He hasn’t done anything bad to her.”

“But he will,” Jake spat. “Paul Lahote is bad news, and it won’t take long before he breaks (Y/N)’s heart.”

“Why do you care so much, Jake?” Bella pushed, for some reason growing annoyed at her friend. “She’s old enough to do whatever she wants. No, to be with whoever she wants. It’s not really my place to tell her who she can or can’t date.”

“You’re her older sister, Bella!” the boy exclaimed. “Why do I care? Why don’t you care enough?!”

“I do care,” she argued. “But I also know what it’s like when people start to comment on who you can and can’t be with. I’m not doing that to her.”

“So, you wouldn’t stop what happened to you from happening to her?” He was blind with anger now. He had closed any space between them, staring her down. “You would rather let her be heartbroken and try and protect her from getting hurt? You’d rather both of you be miserable than spare her the pain that I know she will be in? You have a chance to spare her heartache, Bella. You owe your sister that much.”

“What about you, Jake?” Bella added, standing her ground, and facing up to him. “Why don’t you tell her that Paul is such a bad guy? Why don’t you spare her all this hypothetical heartache instead of forcing me to do it for you? Or are you too scared to face her since she has someone else to occupy her time?”

“If she hasn’t come to see me, it’s clear she didn’t want to,” he said, his voice clearly broken. “But I am begging you. Tell her. It’s not a matter of how, but when he will do something to hurt her.”

“(Y/N) can make her own decisions,” Bella responded. “Heartbreak is a part of life. She’ll get over it.”

“Like you have?” Jacob called as the girl had started to make her way to her car. “If something goes wrong, it’ll be on you, Bella.”

“No, it’ll be on the both of us.”

But they didn’t know that moment would come sooner than they could have thought.

(Y/N) had not been feeling well for at least a week. Her body felt sore, and her stomach felt uneasy. Nothing she ate stayed down long enough to fill the unbearable hunger she seemed to have. She felt as awful as could be and she was ready to pass out by drinking the cold and flu medicine she was holding in the pharmacy.

But as she perused the aisles of the brightly lit establishment, her eyes fell on the sleuth of pink and purple boxes that were yelling at her. It was a hard thing to fathom, but it was a perfectly plausible explanation to how she was feeling. Her symptoms, and the fact that she had missed her monthly in January, were to the book the thing she was most dreading.

Time seemed to warp as she drove home, two pink boxes buried deep in her purse. One second, she was cowering from the cashier, embarrassed as she placed the boxes on the counter. And the next, she was making a beeline to the bathroom, locking herself inside as her father and sister called for her.

She had never thought five minutes could ever feel so long.

Five minutes and she would know if her whole life was about to change.

Dread was the only feeling that washed over her. As the seconds counted down, she could feel her heart dropping. Deep down, she knew what the answer would be. She knew that when the time was finally over, she would l have to accept her new reality. It was daunting. She was only sixteen and she was on her way to face one of the most life-changing events that anyone could go through.

(Y/N) could have never thought that a pink cross on a piece of plastic could be so permanent. She was holding the pregnancy tests in her hand, the two of them producing a very dark pink plus sign. There was no denying that they were positive. There was no denying that at that very moment, inside her body, was a bundle of cells multiplying to create a baby.

“Hey, kiddo,” Charlie called out from the other side of the door. His voice startled her, making the tests clatter loudly against the sink. “What was that? Is everything okay, (Y/N)?”

“Uh, yeah, dad,” she choked out as she finally opened the door. “Everything’s fine. Just knocked over the toothbrushes.”

“Are you sure, kid? You look paler than a ghost.”

“I’m fine, dad,” she said, trying her best to give a convincing smile. “I actually just remembered I have to run out for a bit. Miriam just texted me and I forgot to give back her science textbook and she has a test tomorrow. I’m gonna go give it to her.”

“Okay, honey. As long as you’re okay,” he responded. Charlie could tell there was something lingering underneath his daughter’s smile, but he could see how hard she was trying to hide whatever it was. “Be careful on the road, alright? And don’t come home too late.”

“I will. I’ll, uh, see you guys later.”

In an instant, she was back in her truck and speeding down to the reservation. At that moment, she needed Paul’s comfort. She needed him to tell her that everything would be okay, and that they would figure things out together. She craved feeling his warm arms around him and listening to the soft coo of his voice as he calmed her down. All she wanted was him.

She reached the Lahote residence in record time, jumping out of the car and running to the front door. (Y/N) knocked against the blue-painted wood frantically, calling Paul’s name incessantly. She knew his father wouldn’t be home that night, taking night shifts was something he was prone to and that day had not been different. The girl rapped on the door, over and over again, until it finally swung open.

“(Y/N)!” Paul exclaimed in surprise. “What are you doing here, baby? I wasn’t expecting you.”

Overwhelming anxiety burst inside the girl and all she could do to not break down in front of him was to wrap her arms around his waist tightly. “We gotta talk, Paul,” she cried softly. “It’s… I don’t know how it happened l, but… I’m just so scared.”

“What’re you talking about, (Y/N)? You’re not making any sense.”

The youngest Swan couldn’t find the words to tell him. She wanted what she said to be perfect. For there to be no flaw to her monologue that could make him desist of the idea that this was what was meant to happen. That maybe it was a sign that they were always meant to meet and be together for the rest of time.

But a voice suddenly burst the delusion that (Y/N) had built in her head. “Paul, baby, come back to bed,” the voice whined. “Get rid of whoever’s at the door.”

(Y/N) released herself from Paul’s grasp, feeling as though his touch had burned her. He looks like a deer caught in headlights, surprise opening his eyes. “Who is that?” (Y/N) asked sternly, making the boy scramble for words. “Do you have another fucking girl in your room right now, Paul?”

“It’s not what it looks like, (Y/N).”

“Not what it looks like?! She just called you back to bed, baby,” she mocked. “I am pretty sure you’re not in there helping her with homework.”

Paul’s shocked expression didn’t last long. His agape mouth and huge eyes were instantly replaced by a stoic mask. “So, what, (Y/N)?” Paul spat. “I haven’t done anything wrong.”

“Nothing wrong?!” (Y/N) yelled. “You’re cheating on me! How can you think you haven’t done anything wrong?”

“How could I be cheating?” he shrugged. “You and I were never exclusive.”

The girl felt like she had been punched in the stomach. Her chest tightened, squeezing out whatever little breath that was left in her lungs. She felt warm tears fall from her eyes before she could do anything to stop them.

“I thought you actually loved me,” she said with a broken voice. “Did I mean nothing to you?”

“Look, (Y/N), you’re a great girl, but you had to know this was gonna end sooner or later,” Paul said. “Let’s just call this what it is, a fling. We were just having fun.”

“It wasn’t a fling to me! I fell for you, Paul! I loved you.”

“I’m sorry, (Y/N, but I thought you knew what this was,” he sighed. “We were never gonna last long anyway.”

“I can’t believe this,” she said to herself. “I’m such an idiot. How could I have ever believed you?”

“At the end of the day, I hope we can still be friends.”

Now it was (Y/N)’s turn to be completely aghast. She had borne her heart to him; she had given him her time, her body, her soul. She had trusted that he returned the sentiment, even if it was a fraction of what she felt for him –that would have been enough. But he didn’t. He never had. And he was asking her to remain in his life as a friend with a sickening grin on his face.

She wanted to scream, she wanted to cry, she wanted to claw out that smile he was giving her. Still, deep down, she wanted him to choose her, to want her, to need her. She wanted him to be devastated that he was losing her, devastated that he had hurt her. Instead, he was giving her empty promises of friendships, and devaluing her as nothing more than a way to pass the time. She was carrying his child and he wanted them to be friends.

“You know what, Paul? You can take your friendship and shove it up that girl’s ass,” she spat. “I don’t want you to call me, I don’t wanna see you, I don’t wanna even remember that you exist. You will regret this, Paul. You don’t even know how much right now.”

(Y/N) got into her car, ignoring Paul’s calls of her name. The last thing she wanted was for him to see her cry and revel in the fact that he was the one that had made her spill tears. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing just how deep her hurt was.

Only when she was in the safety of her truck and far enough away that he couldn’t see her did she allow the water to stream down her cheeks. It was an overwhelming surge of emotions –betrayal, heartbreak, sadness. All she wanted was to not feel that way, not anymore, not ever again.

In her distraction, she didn’t notice the person crossing the street. Only when she was seconds away from crashing into them did she look up and slammed on her brakes. The stranger braced themselves, their hands landing on the hood of her car, their face shielded by the hoodie they wore. Until they raised their head and (Y/N)’s world came crashing down.

The brown eyes that stared at her unmistakably belonged to the one person she had yet to see since she had come back to Forks, Washington. He seemed frozen for a second. Standing there in the middle of the night, staring at a specter from his past. All the questions she’d had about him, answer in a swift second.

Jacob didn’t understand what Sam had meant when he had explained imprinting. The shift in gravity, the way your whole being seems to incline toward that one person. Nothing else matters but them. He thought it was fiction. A way he could explain choosing his ex’s cousin after breaking her heart. But at that very second, he knew just how true it was.

The second he locked eyes with (Y/N) he felt it in the pit of his soul. He was almost sure he could see the way his world had changed, and everything became her, became about her. In that instant, he could feel her sadness. Whatever pain was tormenting her, he could feel it wrenching its way into his own heart. All he wanted was to wrap his arms around her and tell her that everything would be okay.

Instead, he kept quiet. He looked into her tear-streaked eyes, and he ran. He ran until his legs were burning with pain, until his lungs were begging for air, until his whole body hurt to be near her again. He understood Sam, but he didn’t want to. He had even gone as far as trying to force himself to imprint on Bella, that way he could forget the void that (Y/N) had created in his heart.

(Y/N) had avoided him for over a month. She had come home, and she had yet to even show her face to say hello to his father. She had preferred to run to the arms of Paul Lahote and forget the people that cared about her.

Most of his childhood he had hoped for a moment like this with her. A sign from the universe that she was the person meant for him. Even at his young age, he knew what love felt like. Jake had experienced it the moment he laid eyes on (Y/N). But she had made the decision to invest her time with someone he knew would only break her. A guy that would use her until there was nothing left and discard her the second he got bored.

And something told him that’s exactly what Paul had done.

He didn’t know where he was going until he was standing in front of the blue-colored door, banging loudly against it. “Paul!” Jake screamed. “Open this god-dammed door!”

“What the hell is up with people tonight?” Paul grumbled as he swung the door open. “What the hell do you want, Jacob?”

“What did you do to (Y/N)?” the boy said, fuming.

“What’re you talking about, Jake?” Paul pretended. “I haven’t done anything.”

“I just saw her, driving away and absolutely destroyed,” he seethed. “So, I’m gonna ask you again. What the hell did you do to her?”

“Why do you suddenly care about her, Jacob? It’s been over a month, and you haven’t even said hello to her,” he deflected, a mischievous laugh leaving his mouth. “Could it be because you just imprinted on her? Maybe you should be worrying about that rather than trying to pick a fight with me.”

“We’re not talking about me, right now. Now, I’ll be the bigger man and not access your thoughts, because I don’t need them to know what a jackass you are and that you’re the one that hurt her,” Jacob retorted, squaring up to Paul and staring him down. “So, I will ask you one last time before I beat the shit out of you for absolutely no reason, what the fuck did you do to (Y/N)?”

“I just reminded her that what was happening between us was just a bit of fun,” he shrugged, chuckling. “It’s not my fault she built up a whole fantasy in her head about us.”

“She was in love with you, and you broke her heart,” Jake scoffed. “Tell me was it worth it?”

“What was worth it?”

“Losing the best girl you could’ve had by your side all for a night of fun.”

(Y/N) didn’t take much time to dwell on why Jake had run away, or why her heart wrenched tighter as he left. She could only process one thing at a time and the most pressing matter was the fact that she was pregnant, the baby’s father had cheated on her –or sort of cheated—and she was left to decide what to do all by herself.

The second she got back home, she ran up the stairs and into her room. Once more ignoring her father’s calls to her name. She simply wanted to sink into her bed and disappear, to make every bad thing that had occurred in the last hour disappear. If that was only a fraction of how her sister was feeling, she never wanted to know the expanse of that pain. All she wanted was for things to stop.

“Hey, kiddo. Can I come in?” Charlie knocked softly on her door. He couldn’t bring himself to pass the threshold. Not without her confirmation. It wasn’t until she nodded softly, her face mostly shielded by the pillow she held tightly, that he entered the room. “Talk to me, (Y/N), what’s going on? And I’m assuming this isn’t about a textbook.”

“It’s not,” (Y/N)’s broken voice peeped. “I screwed up, dad.”

Charlie sat beside her on the bed, wrapping his arms around her. She shifted her hold from the pillow to her father, enjoying the comforting warmth from his body, allowing it to ease the pain she felt. As she settled against him, he had started rubbing her back, letting her empty herself of tears on him.

“What happened, kiddo?” he said, trying his best to not let his voice break as he stared at his youngest daughter. It was the first time he had seen her so distraught, and it broke him just as much as he had broken when Bella had been in that kind of pain. “I’m sure we can fix whatever it is, but you’ve gotta talk to me, kid. I can’t fix it if you don’t talk.”

“You’re gonna hate me for it,” she sobbed. “And I can’t take you hating me, dad.”

“Honey, there is absolutely nothing in this world you can do that will ever make me hate you,” he said, staring deeply into her reddened eyes, a hand on her wet cheek. “Even if you tell me right now that you’ve killed someone, I could never hate you.”

“You can’t say that, dad,” she chuckled. “You’re the sheriff.”

“No, but it made you laugh,” he smiled. “Now, come on, tell me what’s wrong, (Y/N).”

(Y/N) finally sat up, unable to face her father as she confessed what happened. She could not witness the look of disappointment she was sure would befall on his face. “I found out I was pregnant tonight,” she sighed defeatedly. “I went to see the father when I told you I was going to Miriam’s house, but I caught him cheating and I couldn’t even tell him. And now, I’m pregnant and alone, and I don’t know what to do, dad. I’m so scared.”

Instead of anger and displeasure, her father surprised her by wrapping her in a tight embrace. He cooed her as she sobbed into the hug, letting herself fall apart in Charlie’s arms. She had been so sure that he would yell at her, chastise her for being a stupid child. But he had never been that type of man, and he never would be. “Oh, honey,” he said as he smoothed down her hair. “You’re not alone, kiddo. You’re never going to be alone in anything as long as I’m around.”

“I screwed up, dad,” she cried against his chest. “I don’t know what to do and I’m terrified.”

“Well, we’ll go to the doctor as soon as we can and we can weigh out your options,” he offered. “It’s up to you whether you wanna keep it, if you wanna give it up for adoption, or if you don’t wanna have it at all.”

“I don’t… I don’t think I wanna give it up, dad,” (Y/N) responded sheepishly. It was the first thing she had told herself. No matter what, she wanted to go through the pregnancy –with or without Paul. “Even if I have to do it by myself, I want to have this baby.”

“Again, you’re not alone, kid,” he smiled. “And if keeping the baby is what you want then that’s what we’ll do.”

“He’s right, (Y/N),” Bella added. She joined her father and sister on her bed, a soft smile stretching the corners of her mouth. “I know I haven’t been there for you for a while –I haven’t been me for a while—but you are never alone. You will always have us.”

“That’s right,” Charlie beamed, his two daughters wrapped in his arms. “We’ll take it one day at a time, kid. And let me know the kid’s name. I might have a way to scare him straight. You think a night in a jail cell would do?”

“That’s illegal, Charlie,” Bella laughed. “But, for him, I think it’s worth it.”

“He’s not worth even another thought,” (Y/N) joined. “But thank you for offering, dad.”

“Sure thing, kiddo,” he grinned. “Now, I’ll still make that doctor’s appointment as soon as possible and we’ll see what our next steps are. You’ll also have to tell your mom, but we can do that together. You should get some rest right now.”

“Thanks, dad. For everything.”

“You’re never alone, kid. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“I’m so sorry this happened, (Y/N),” Bella said as soon as Charlie had left the room. “I should have prevented this.”

“There was no way you could have known, Bells,” she sighed. “Paul is just a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing.”

“But I did know. Not about the cheating but that he was a bad guy. Jacob told me.”

At the sound of Jacob’s name, her heart panged. The very boy that had been in her head since she was little. The very boy that had run away from her only an hour before. “Don’t blame yourself,” she added. “I don’t think I would have listened to you. I was so blinded by him that I would have probably fought you about it. It’s on me that I didn’t see the signs.”

“No, (Y/N). It’s on him for being a shitty guy.”

“I guess,” she chuckled. “But I’ve also been a shitty person. I’ve been here for such a long time already and I haven’t gone to see Jake. I’m a horrible friend.”

“Unfortunately, that I can’t spin,” she grimaced. “But so is he. Contact goes both ways, and he hasn’t come to see you either. And he’s been avoiding me for a while too.”

“I saw him tonight,” she added meekly. “I almost ran him over.”

“You did?! What happened?”

“He ran away,” (Y/N) shrugged. “He stared at me for a second and then he ran.”

“That boy needs to stop disappearing like that,” she sighed. “He came over the other night. Told me he was avoiding me for a reason that he couldn’t explain. I’m gonna go confront him about it tomorrow.”

“Can I come? I think seeing you yell at him will cheer me up.”

“I think having you there will make him more nervous,” she grinned at her sister. “And I don’t know if that’s better or worse.”

“Why would he get nervous?” (Y/N) questioned, her curiosity quickly peaking. “It’s just me. Bella’s little sister.”

“Are you serious?”

Bella was staring at her like she had muttered the dumbest words she had heard, but she had only said what she truly believed. Jake had always had a crush on Bella and (Y/N) was just her little sister. “He’s always been in love with you, Bells,” she said. “It’s obvious.”

“Oh my god, you are serious,” Bella said in disbelief. “You know it’s you he’s always been in love with. It's so painfully obvious.”

“What’re you talking about? He was always hanging around you when we were there, he even sought you out when you came to live with Charlie. Sounds to me like he’s always crushed on you.”

“Okay, first of all, the only reason he was always hanging around me was when you were around. He only used me as an excuse,” she retorted. “And when I came to live in Forks you were the first thing he asked me about. He’s been in love with you since we were kids, (Y/N). I honestly can’t believe you never noticed.”

“How could I if I really thought he liked you?” the girl cried as she covered her face in embarrassment. “Oh god, I’m an awful person. The only reason I went after Paul was because I thought I had no chance with Jake. Now I’m definitely never gonna have it.”

“Why not? You’re a great catch.”

“I’m a single pregnant teen that hasn’t even finished high school,” she told her sister. “Sure, great catch.”

“You’re also kind, you’re smart, you’re beautiful, and anyone would be lucky to have you by their side,” Bella said with a smile. “And if Jake can’t see that then he’s not the right guy for you. It’s not like he’s the poster child for perfection.”

“But why would he ever be with me when I tried to replace him with Paul? Jake knew he was a bad guy and that I chose to be with Paul over him.”

“Look, I don’t know how tomorrow’s gonna go, but I think it’s best if you do come with me.”

“Why? What could go wrong?”

“Just rest tonight and I promise everything will be answered tomorrow.”

“Okay,” she responded, still not understanding her sister’s reluctance to answer. “Well then, good night, Bells. I’m grateful you’re my sister.”

“I’m grateful too, (Y/N). Good night.”

“Night.”

The next day couldn’t come soon enough.

(Y/N) had spent the whole night tossing and turning in her bed. The daunting realization that she was growing a human being inside her weighing on her like a thousand bricks. She was set on her decision. She wanted to keep the baby and she would do it without Paul. But he wasn’t the boy that was running through her head anymore. Instead, she could not stop thinking about what Bella had told her. She was still hesitant to believe that Jake loved her. He’d never given her any indication that he did, at least not ones she had noticed.

“Ready to go?” Bella asked, breaking (Y/N) out of her trance. “Got the car all warmed up already.”

“Yeah, just a sec.” The youngest Swan gave herself a once over, trying to look perfect. No, trying to look strong. “I’m ready.”

The sisters talked and laughed like they hadn’t the whole time they had been reunited with each other. They had both led such different lives at that point that it felt like they had abandoned the other. But that wasn’t far from the truth. At the end of the day, they would always have each other’s back.

Bella parked her truck near the Black’s house, killing the engine before she turned toward her sister. “Look, I don’t know how to explain this, but you might hear some things that sound almost made up,” she said. “But they’re not. As crazy as it might sound, they are 100% true.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Bella?”

“I just –ugh—I don’t know how to tell you this without sounding like I’ve lost my mind,” she said, her eyes begging her sister for reassurance. “But, if you really wanna be in Jake’s world, it’s only fair that you know the truth. About him… and even about Paul.”

“Paul? What do you know about Paul?”

“Do you remember the stories Billy used to tell us when we were little?” Bella started, carefully picking her next words. “The stories about the reservation and their ancestors?”

“Vaguely.”

“You remember the stories about wolves and cold ones, right?”

“Yeah,” she chuckled. “But those were just legends and stories to explain the divide between lands. What about them?”

“They’re real, (Y/N),” Bella finally admitted. “Every single thing that they told us is real.”

“Come on, Bella,” the girl smiled, not too convinced by her sister’s words. “You’re telling me that you dated a vampire. And, what? That Paul and Jake are werewolves? That’s completely fantastical. Vampires and werewolves aren’t real. Next thing you’re gonna tell me that the tooth fairy and Santa Claus exist?”

“I’m serious, (Y/N),” she said firmly, her sister’s laughter dying as soon as she looked into Bella’s eyes. “I’ve seen it. It’s real”

“So, you’ve seen Jake turning into a wolf and seen your ex drink blood? What about that doesn’t sound made up?”

“Fine,” she resigned. “If you don’t believe me. Maybe you’ll believe Jake. Now, come on.”

(Y/N) followed Bella to the red cabin, her words swimming around in her mind. Talk about the supernatural had never been something her sister had been interested in, and there she was claiming that it was all real. It couldn’t be. It was just too much.

“We need to see him,” Bella said as soon as Billy opened the door.

His eyes ran from her to (Y/N), thinking over what his response would be. “He’s not in,” the man responded.

But Bella would not give in. She knew better. “Okay, I’m sorry,” she said before stepping aside and pulling (Y/N) with her. “But we really need to see him.”

“Girls!”

(Y/N) didn’t understand what was happening. She felt like she was stuck in a bad dream where no one was making any sense. When her sister opened Jake’s bedroom door and she saw him sleeping, the girl felt her heart squeeze once more in her chest. Ever since their encounter the night before, it hadn’t stopped doing that. It hadn’t stopped calling for him.

“He looks exhausted,” (Y/N) whispered.

“I think I know why,” her sister muttered, her gaze falling on the four figures that were walking up to Jake’s house. “Wait here.”

“What why?” the younger girl questioned before following her sister’s sightline. “Why is Paul here?”

“If you still don’t believe me, you’ll believe me now.”

Bella marched out of the house, leaving her sister reeling with more and more questions.

“She told you,” Billy’s voice startled her. “You don’t believe her.”

His words seemed to want to be questions, but she could tell he was merely stating facts. “How can I, Billy?” she said. “We’re talking about the existence of supernatural creatures right in our backyard. Those things are stories you tell kids to feed their imagination. They can’t be real.”

“It is,” Jake’s voice joined. She turned to face him, any unease dissipating as she looked into his dark eyes. “I promise I’ll explain everything, but right now. I need to make sure your sister doesn’t get hurt.”

“What’re you…?”

Before she could finish talking, she heard her sister yelling outside. She followed Jacob out of the house, all in time to see Bella slapping Paul straight across the face. And everything that happened next seemed to muddle.

Where Paul stood in a split second was a silver-furred wolf baring its teeth toward her sister. Then, Jacob ran past her, jumping over Bella and transforming into a russet-colored wolf himself. The same wolf she had seen in her dream. The two animals fought each other, all teeth and claws, all snarls and growls. Even as it happened before her, it was still just as unbelievable.

Once the two wolves had disappeared into the tree line, did the older man of the group speak up. He told Jared and Embry –the two boys she had met that fateful day on the beach—to take her and Bella back to someone’s, named Emily, place. The duo quickly followed orders, jumping into the bed of Bella’s truck, never looking over to (Y/N).

The older Swan motioned for her sister to join them, telling her to get back in the car. But (Y/N) was still reeling. She still felt like she was trapped in a harrowing nightmare, waiting for the second she would wake up. All she could think of was the dream that had shaken her as she arrived in Forks. Because it hadn’t been a dream. It had been a premonition.

(Y/N) had yet to say a word, simply following the others to know what to do. Whatever they said or did, she wasn’t sure. The world around her had blurred and nothing made sense. At that moment, all she wanted was to know that Jacob was okay. The very fabric of what she knew reality to be had been changed and all she wanted to do was make sure that he was safe.

She didn’t even notice when she had entered the little house. Her gaze was far away, her mind completely disassociated from the situation. Emily, who she now knew was Sam’s fiancée and she couldn’t stare at, had offered her food or something to drink, but she couldn’t even respond. She simply shook her head and sunk into the background.

Everyone was speaking of werewolves and vampires like it was the most normal thing in the world, but it wasn’t, and (Y/N) knew that. And it seemed that Emily could tell that the girl was finding the information hard to digest.

“It gets easier,” she told her, breaking her out of her trance. “I know right now it might seem like nothing makes sense, but you get used to it.”

“I just saw two men rip their skin and turn into massive wolves,” (Y/N) finally spoke. “Don’t think I’ll ever get used to that.”

“I know how you’re feeling. When Sam told me for the first time, I was sure he had lost her mind,” she smiled. “Something tells me that once Jacob talks to you a lot of things will click into place.”

As Emily handed her a glass of water, Sam walked into the house, kissing her deeply. They were the definition of being in love. She couldn’t help but feel it when she saw them. It was what she had always dreamed of, and it was what she thought she had with Paul until the night before. It was what she had once wanted with Jacob too.

After Sam came Paul and Jacob. They were wearing matching scowls, walking as far from each other as possible. Paul entered the house, his eyes never landing on (Y/N)’s. Suddenly, the house went eerily quiet. Now knowing that they all shared thoughts, the girl knew that everyone was aware of what had happened between her and Paul.

(Y/N) felt like the walls were closing in on her and the looks of pity all the guys had given her finally made sense. She could barely breathe, and her heart hammered harshly in her chest. She needed to get out, she couldn’t be in the same space as him. Not right now. She tried to stumble out of the house, clutching at whatever she could to stabilize her body.

“Hey, (Y/N),” Bella tried to draw her attention, following her sister outside. “You’ve gotta breathe.”

But she couldn’t. Her lungs were aching, and her throat felt tight. Already, her vision was blurry with tears “I-I… I gotta…”

“Breathe, (Y/N). Breathe.”

“I can’t,” she struggled. “I-I… I can’t.”

Then, warm arms were wrapping around her, a hand running through her hair. “You’re okay, (Y/N),” Jake whispered. “I need you to breathe with me, okay?”

She nodded softly, her sobs choking her. Still, she followed the movement of Jacob’s chest, taking shaky breaths in and blowing them out seconds after. They could have been there forever and (Y/N) would have never known how much time had actually passed. But at some point, her breathing stabilized and she felt like her body was functioning properly.

“There you go,” Jacob smiled. “See? You’re okay.”

“I think I’m going crazy,” she chuckled dryly. “Nothing makes sense.”

“Let’s go for a walk, okay?” She nodded in response. “We’ll talk later, Bella.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” she said. “Make sure she’s okay. I have some words for someone else right now.”

Jake and (Y/N) walked side by side, neither daring to say the first word. The truth was, there was just too much unsaid between them and they had no idea where to start. There had already been so much change in a day that they didn’t know how much they could take.

“I’m sorry, (Y/N),” Jake finally spoke. “Firstly, for the way you found out about all of this. And secondly, for me running away last night. I’m sure you have a million questions.”

“I do,” she chuckled, staring down at the way the creek they were walking through rushed beneath her feet. “But I also want to apologize for not going to see you as soon as I got her. I actually tried… that’s when I met Paul.”

“You have nothing to apologize for, (Y/N). I didn’t seek you out either and I’ve been beating myself about it ever since,” he sighed. “I should have told you about Paul. I should have protected you from him, but I didn’t, and he broke your heart.”

“It’s not on you, Jake. It’s not on anyone but him. He knew what he was doing and that’s that,” she said. “But I don’t really want to talk about him. I want to know about everything else. You’re a werewolf.”

“Last time I checked, yeah,” he chuckled. “Only a few people in the tribe have the gene. It gets triggered when there are vampires in the area.”

“Bella’s ex and their family.”

“Yeah, and any that are passing by,” he confirmed. “Our job is to protect people from them. We keep it a secret because of the treaty our ancestors made with them decades ago. We can’t reveal their identity and we can’t reveal ours without revealing theirs. And people can’t fear what they don’t know of. ”

“Then, did they break the treaty by telling Bella?”

“They didn’t tell her about us, I kind of did,” he continued. “I was ordered to cut ties with her, but I couldn’t so I pointed her in the direction of the truth. She found out all by herself.”

“So, Bella knowing I understand. She already had knowledge of this whole world from that Edward guy,” (Y/N) started. “But why me? Why am I allowed to know all this? It can’t possibly be because she took me to your place. Billy would have stopped me from going outside but he didn’t.”

Jacob stopped in his tracks. That was the moment the truth needed to come out. He had to confess everything he’d ever felt for her and how the universe had decided to make it an unbreakable thing. All he hoped was that she didn’t push him away after.

“Being a shifter comes with more things than the ability to transform into a wolf,” he started, finally facing her. “You get superhuman strength and speed; you heal faster; you basically stop aging. And you gain the ability to imprint on someone.”

“Imprint?” (Y/N) questioned looking into his eyes for the first time since she had left the cabin. “What is that?”

“In the simplest of terms, it’s basically the moment you lay eyes on your soulmate,” he continued. His heart was beating faster, and he was sure his skin was flushing to a deep shade of red. “It's not like love at first sight, really. It's more like gravity shifts all of a sudden. You’re not bound to the earth anymore, you’re bound to that person. You become whatever they need. A friend, a brother, a partner.

When I ran into you last night, when you almost ran me over with your car…”

“Sorry about that,” she chuckled. “That would have been horrible bad luck. To run you over with a car you fixed.”

“Eh, I would have healed,” he smiled. He was glad to see her lighter. Her laughter, the most beautiful music to his ears. “But when we looked into each other’s eyes I imprinted on you. That’s why I ran. That and the fact that I knew Paul had hurt you. I could feel your pain and your sadness, and as much as I wanted to comfort you, I needed to give him a piece of my mind.

But I should have stayed with you. I should have told you everything that I’m about to tell you now.

I love you, (Y/N). I’m in love with you and I have been since I even knew what love was. I have wanted to tell you since I gave you that whittled wolf I made, but I never had the courage to. And even if you don’t feel the same for me, I need you to know that, with or without the imprint bond, you have been and always will be it for me. My heart has been yours since the moment our dad’s brought us together and it will be yours until the day I die.”

Tears were now falling from (Y/N)’s eyes. She had waited for so long to hear those words and it made her heart swell as she finally did. But she feared he would take them back as soon as she told him the truth. Imprint bond or not, no teenager wanted to become a father, especially of someone else’s baby.

“You say that because you don’t know everything,” she sobbed, turning her back to him. “There’s another reason why I was crying last night that has nothing to do with Paul cheating.”

“(Y/N), nothing you say will change what I feel for you,” Jake said, running his hands over her arms. He tried to turn her back around, but she wouldn’t budge. “What is it, huh? Just tell me, (Y/N).”

“I’m pregnant, Jake,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “And I’m keeping it. And Paul has no idea. I went to tell him as soon as I found out and caught him with someone else. I don’t even know if he would care that the baby is his.”

“Is that all?” Jacob asked softly. “You think that’s enough to change my mind?”

“It would change anyone’s mind, Jake!” (Y/N) flipped around. Her eyes were red and streaming out tears faster than she could stop them. “We’re only sixteen. The last thing in our minds should ever be starting a family. We should be thinking about what college we’re going to or what countries we want to see, not about shitty diapers and feeding schedules.

What is happening is happening to me. I’m the one that’s pregnant and I can’t burden you with someone else’s child. I can’t do that to you. Why would you ever be okay with any of this?”

“Because it’s you,” he smiled. “And why do you think you or that baby could ever be a burden to me?” His hand cradled her cheeks, his thumbs wiping away the streaks that stained her skin. “I want everything that comes with being with you. The good, the bad, and the ugly. You’re all I’ve ever wanted, (Y/N). And I meant it when I said that there’s absolutely nothing you could do or say that would change that.”

“But I can’t do that to you,” she repeated, her voice breaking in pain. “I can’t do that to someone I love.”

Jacob’s mouth stretched into a wide smile, his eyes searching hers for any sign of deception, but it wasn’t there. All he saw was a girl in love that had been broken by someone else. “You love me?” he asked happily. “Is that what you said?”

“Of course, I love you, Jake,” she smiled softly, the tears still falling from her eyes. “I’ve loved you for so long it hurts. And that’s why it’ll hurt more to let you go.”

“(Y/N), I need you to listen to me and know in your heart that what I am telling you is the absolute truth,” he said lovingly but sternly. He needed her to believe him. He had lost her once and he would never do it again. “I want you. I want all that comes with being with you. I want to be there when you start showing; I want to be there when you go to the doctor; I wanna be there when that baby comes into this world, and I will be there every moment after. I will love that child as if it was mine because it’s part you –it’s already perfect.”

“You really mean that,” she smiled. Her hands were placed on his chest, her eyes gazing into the dark brown of his. “Why? Why do you care about me so much? I don’t deserve it.”

“You deserve the entire universe, (Y/N),” he beamed. “You deserve love and happiness, and I know I can give that to you.”

All the younger girl could do was smile as she stared up at him. If she had been dreaming, she did not want to wake up. Not now. Not after the nightmare was over. She needed to prove to herself that she was awake.

She stood on her tiptoes, stretching as far as she could while she pulled Jacob down by his shirt. She crashed her lips onto his and allowed herself to get lost in that moment. Everything around them stopped. The ocean had quieted, the wind had stopped blowing, and the sun had stopped beating on their skin. It was them and only them at that moment, surrounded only by their love and affection for each other.

“Thank you, Jake,” she smiled as they finally broke apart, their foreheads pressing against each other. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited to hear those words.”

“I think I have some idea,” he chuckled. “I have been waiting since we were kids to tell you.”

“Maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess if either of us had,” she teased. “But, honestly, I would have it any other way.”

“I love you, (Y/N),” he said before kissing her once more. “I love you today, tomorrow, and forever.”

“Well, I love you more. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to show you just how much.”

As they walked back to the cabin, Jake’s arm draped over her shoulders, (Y/N) stopped in her tracks suddenly.

“What’s wrong?” Jake worried. “You feeling okay?”

“I haven’t thought of this, but what if Paul does want to be in this baby’s life? I mean, he has no idea that I’m pregnant.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he smiled. “If he does, he’ll have a lot to make up for. And I’ll make sure he is very apologetic for what he’s done.”

“You can’t just go around fighting him you know?” (Y/N) laughed.

“Don’t worry. He knows not to confront me with his fists –or paws—anymore.”

Taglist: @winter-soldier-101 @zheezs14 @a-sifu-hotman @sunflowerleii @dyslexiccatterpillar @blackbluerose666 @slutforsainz @kortniec696 @xcastawayherosx @minhaimaginacao @bluebirbnamedjay @sirenheadenby @andreiaafaria @bluetreecloud20 @sunshine2894 @valejewel @mushroomelephant @swidkid @skyesthebomb @esposadomd @nocturnalherb16

@avis15 @wonieeee @baebeepeach @krazyk99 @catgirlpwr @klf1999 @sl-ut @adaydreamaway08 @cinffy23 @toomanythoughts33 @laylaskywalker @fandomonetwo @fruitylilfuck @a-slut-for-loki-bucky @honeywxter @haroldpotterson @kaita11 @gangstalicious06 @uwunuggetchan @elijahssuit @multifandomreader73 @ellabellabus07 @blackloveangel13 @euphoria1992 @saltedcoffeescotch @lowkeysaurus @zealouscookierebeltrash @sleepilysworld @laylasbunbunny @american-sataness @cevans-winchester @avada-kedavra-bitch-187 @jstarr86 @coquita @ilikepunsbeth @itsmytimetodream @laury-blackbeak @unstablekay @midnightmisses @magical-spit @ratsys @hopexargent @druigsluver29 @fresita1218

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darlinglavender · 3 years

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get angry tommy 😡

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hopeshoodie · 3 years

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Rarepair Sunday- Hopeisol

Headcanons

The actual power couple we deserved. The both came into the game with opposing strategies- Hope thought it was important to be cordial with everyone and play the social game, Marisol came in prepared to be extremely competitive and selfish.

But throughout the game, they gradually adopt each other strategies unknowingly (as Marisol burns through partners she’s only tethered by her platonic relationships with MC and Noah, and Hope reverts to being territorial and selfish because MC/Priya sabotaged her relationship and didn’t have the decency to not gamify it). Marisol approaches Hope towards the end, after she breaks up with Graham for flirting with MC, to thank her for the advice. “You were right, the only thing keeping me sane is the friendships. It was dumb to actively TRY and sabotage friendships with the girls for the sake of gameplay.” And Hope starts silently crying because she feels like she hasn’t had the luxury of that.

They hug, Marisol leans in for a kiss, Hope hesitates, then Marisol pulls away and starts apologizing profusely for ‘misreading the situation’. Hope shushes her by kissing her back, and it gets heated.

When they pull away Hope laughs lightly and admits “that hardly helps my inability to build friendships.” Marisol grins and kisses her again, deeply. They get a little handsy, but it doesn’t go much further.

Neither of them talk about it after. Marisol starts dating Elisa, and gets really involved in the toxicity of that relationship. Hope finishes the game with Noah.

Both relationships don’t survive the real world for more than three months. Hope finds her mind periodically drifting back to Marisol…

After sending a text, they meet up for brunch and the rest is history. For some reason being out of the villa erases a lot of their awkwardness- now they’re just best friends. They ramble about politics with each other, have most of the same values, and consume the same kind of media. Hope invites Marisol on a work trip to somewhere in South America, and they become more than friends.

Best. Dressed. Couple. Ever. Neither of them keep active social media, but what does get posted to instagram is absolute fire. Marisol has that really classic, monotone, sleek fashion taste and Hope has the really elegant style with bright contrasting colors and sharp silhouettes. They are… Stunning.

A lot of LITG couples struggle with the day to day. Hope and Noah struggled with this- they were totally fine when they were doing grand gestures or being intensely affectionate, but then when little hiccups came up or the daily minutiae of making food/going about their daily life set in they couldn’t keep the same affectionate energy. Hope and Marisol do not have that problem what so ever. While they can be super affectionate, that part of their relationship is a bit more lacking whilst they get along really well on all the little details.

Their dynamic is like highschool lovers because neither of them have had such an emotionally important sapphic relationship before. They’re absolutely infatuated with one another and feel like it’s them against the world. There’s a ‘we’re building our empire’ vibe. But equally explosive is their arguments- Marisol is passive aggressive and Hope is SO reactive. Their disagreements, though few and far between, end in screaming and sobbing in separate rooms. They definitely break up a few times, then Hope will bring flowers and beg to get back together or Marisol will awkwardly show up and pretend that nothing ever happened. They mellow out with age and consistency in the relationship, but the first few years are super intense.

Love is Hope making an effort to plan out vacations/events for them then insisting Marisol follow through and come. Love is Marisol encouraging Hope to find a WOC therapist and talk about anger management and insecurity with her. Love is Hope holding Marisol accountable for making selfish mistakes and insisting, calmly and firmly, that she needs to apologize and make amends. Love is Marisol finding little jokes that make Hope laugh and then peppering them around her world, forcing Hope to admit that she loves the ducks of the month.

No kids, no attachments to their hometowns, two large corporate incomes- they live their absolute best life. Travelling and fashion are the big investments for them. I don’t think either of them really feels a need for home ownership, so they periodically upgrade just for the hell of it and enjoy condo/apartment living.

Almost every day they visit each other’s office for lunch. It’s not a consistent ‘at noon my wife comes’ because it changes with their workflow. But even if it’s a busy day, Hope will visit and sneak Marisol a coffee during a 5 minute break, or Marisol will show up and they’ll eat lunch in Hope’s office with the door firmly closed and the blinds drawn. They’re not overly affectionate in public though- Marisol is a fan of kissing Hope’s wrist and the back of her hand, and Hope loves to run her hands through Marisol’s hair and hold the back of her neck.

Light nsfw but they definitely come into their own sexually through each other. Neither of them has a lot of experience with women, and I think if they were with someone who was experienced it would be a process of embarrassment and discomfort. But because they’re both learning together, the power dynamic is a lot more balanced and they don’t enforce strict roles onto themselves.

They adopt a really crotechedy, mean old cat and constantly joke that he’s the man of the house. He’s an asshole, but they’d both die for him (and they both just want some other presence to be in the home, even if they don’t interact with him outside of sitting in the same room).

While they’re still friendly with the other contestants, they’re much closer to their non-Love Island friends, and are generally more isolated than other characters. They’ll show up to the 1 year, 5 year, and 10 year reunion, but not much more than that. Neither of them were close enough to keep tabs on or reach out to other islanders. Maybe Noah reaches out years down the road and he reconciles with Hope, but neither of them feel the need to keep in touch.

They are SO supportive of each other’s projects and careers. They both intently listen to the other ramble about their workdays, have a deep understanding of what the other’s position and role is, and want the other to be challenged. Marisol often jokes (and honestly it’s kind of true) that if Hope was sick she could fill in, and a couple of times when ranting about a negotiation Hope has suggested a tactic that ended up working.

When Marisol’s dad is struggling with alzheimers, Hope is honestly more attentive to him and the situation than Marisol can bring herself to be. Hope visits him at least three times a week, takes charge of all the arrangements, and encourages Marisol to visit him on ‘good days’ while quietly discouraging her from visiting on bad days.

They’re the best aunties to Hope’s brother’s kids. Hope and Marisol 100% spoil them, and are happy to watch them for a weekend, but are always relieved when they go home and the house is quiet again.

As they age, they both get a lot more philanthropic than they were. I can see Marisol retiring and accepting a role on some kind of board or nonprofit. Hope will work for as long as she possibly can (and considering she works in corporate, that’s a lot longer than you’d expect). They both struggle with retirement, and how to provide structure to a day when they can’t work like they used to.

Hope really struggles with losing the mobility and strength that she’s used to having. Not being able to do things that she ‘should be able to’ brings her to the point of a breakdown multiple times. Marisol struggles to know what to do, outside of laying a sympathetic hand on Hope’s forearm and nodding sadly. They still travel a lot, but it’s more confined to tours and cruises than it used to. Admitting that her health/bodily abilities make an annual trip unfeasible is the hardest thing Hope ever does.

And despite how Hope’s health is the first to start wavering, Marisol has similar problems to her dad. Far too soon. Maybe a year after Hope admits they need to opt out of another trip abroad, Marisol starts to turn sharply downhill. Hope can pretend it’s fine, that Marisol hasn’t been blankly sitting on the couch for 9 hours or forgetting basic information or getting lost in the middle of stories. But then the wandering starts, and the fear and confusion at not recognizing where she is. Admitting Marisol needs more care than their condo can provide, that SHE can provide, absolutely shatters Hope. They both move into an assisted living home, because Hope can’t bear to leave Marisol alone.

The worst days are when Marisol outright doesn’t remember her. There wasn’t anyone in her life early on who looks like Hope, so there’s no one for Hope to ‘pretend to be’ like a sister or aunt. Marisol will just assume Hope’s a nurse on these days. Being brushed aside and dismissed is better than not seeing Marisol at all.

But the good days are so lovely. Gentle. Soft. Both of them feel whole.

Marisol passes before Hope does, and Hope doesn’t have it in her to move out of the home and be on her own again.

#litg

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duchessfics · 4 years

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Quarantine Headcanons for Billie x Reader x Audrey

This is for Anon: Can you do another Billie Audrey and reader story they are addicting and you’re such a great reader!! Can we see one where they are in quarantine and a lot of fluff?

I know this isn’t a fic, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless! Also I hope you all are still staying safe and healthy at this time. And maybe these headcanons will bring a little sunshine to your day! Thank you for all of the likes and feedback! 💖

(https://ahsdaily.co.vu/post/150514222930)

I alluded to this in my other fic at the beginning of quarantining for coronavirus, but Billie would for sure take this time to have sex with you and Audrey anywhere and in every position.

Of course there are the usual places like your bed, your shower, your bathtub, and your couch. But you end up christening the living room coffee table, the steps of your staircase, the top of your washing machine in between cycles, and even one time inside of your food pantry.

Because both Billie and Audrey are celebrities, they both take part in different Instagram lives on their own and with other people. Normally you stay out of the public eye because if they are invited to an event they only get a plus one. So they go together. But when you accidentally interrupt their shared live, people immediately are interested in you.

At first Audrey is a little annoyed at all of the attention you’re getting just for accidentally opening the door and Billie giving you a minimal introduction. But you suggest that maybe after people see you once they’ll get bored and move on. So in the next live they do, they introduce you and it helps…kind of.

Instead of people focusing on you, their audience focuses on all three of you being an item. So once a week, all three of you will sit down and do a short live. Sometimes you answer questions, sometimes you play a boardgame, or sometimes you just chat for a while. But people love it either way.

Speaking of social media, it’s early on during quarantine when you download tiktok. And while you were skeptical about the app before all of this, you do find yourself learning the dances and posting some of your own content.

Of course your girlfriends are featured in a few of your tiktoks, but they also just think it’s funny and cute to see you randomly doing the dances around the house and singing to yourself. However if they wake up to see you still scrolling through tiktok for what’s probably been hours into the middle of the night, they will sandwich you in between them and summon you to sleep by intensive cuddling.

Because of the virus, your usual staff that performs daily tasks can’t come over. So Audrey signs the three of you up for an online cooking course. In the beginning, you know most of the techniques, but you do end up refining your skill. And Billie and Audrey become much, much better cooks.

And because Audrey feels so passionate about cooking now, she decides to order plenty of seeds to plant a whole garden. And this garden is supposed to take up a large chunk of your yard. However, because all three of you have never done something like this before, you look up how to successfully plant a garden and manage to actually do it.

Once it’s completely planted, this garden is Audrey’s literal child. She will go out each morning to track each plant’s growth. Her Instagram essentially becomes one for her garden and one time when she saw a racoon trying to get some of the fruits (and vegetables) of her labor, Audrey literally ran out and chased them off before you or Billie could stop her.

Besides learning how to cook, both Billie and Audrey have to clean. You never thought you would see your girlfriends doing laundry or scrubbing toilets, but they do it. And in the process, you help them go through and declutter the entire house for the first time in many, many years. That helps to refresh the house and makes cleaning much easier.

After a couple weeks of doing these hands-on tasks Billie’s acrylics all eventually pop off. So you offer your “services” to give her a manicure and she gladly accepts. She even lets you pick out the colors. Of course Audrey joins in and incorporates special toners, serums, and facial treatments since her aesthetician is unavailable and she’s afraid of her wrinkles emerging (Which both you and Billie assure her are nonexistent, but still)

Even with all of these new tasks, after being at home for more than three months you are bored and want to change something up. Specifically you want to do something different with your hair. When you mention it, both of your girlfriends think you’re joking and say you wouldn’t even know how to pick out the right hair color let alone actually doing anything.

That angers you and only makes you more determined to prove them wrong. So you order some bleach and hair dye and secretly use them. However instead of surprising your girlfriends with a gorgeous new head of hair, you come to them with tears and completely ruined hair.

Both Billie and Audrey feel horrible seeing you so defeated, but there’s nothing they can really do except section your hair off and try to salvage what healthy hair remains, resulting in a very short haircut. Luckily the short hairstyle actually looks amazing on you! And Billie and Audrey love it as well.

Because the three of you have more time together than ever before, you’re able to be more involved with some of Billie and Audrey’s personal ventures. So when Audrey needs to practice reading her lines, you take on the other characters and read through the script with her.

Of course you speak in silly voices and make funny faces for different characters which makes Audrey giggle and reprimand you, but she does find it adorable and it helps her to remain in character better.

On Billie’s end, fortunately you are able to have access to an isolated tennis court. So you get to watch the medium play a sport that she is well-versed in. Plus seeing her in different cute tennis outfits all sweaty and wet…it just does things to you.

To try and make it fair, you and Audrey play as a team against Billie, but she still annihilates you both. While you and Audrey are exhausted and completely winded, Billie looks fully enlivened and even says this is “rusty” for her compared to when she regularly played.

Another thing you and Billie do while Audrey works virtually is check out a possible abandoned house for Billie to film at. In the beginning you are able to play it cool. However as she looks around and speaks with forces that are invisible to your eyes you begin to get the creeps.

You trust Billie, but after a couple hours of having lights flick on and off, unexplained footsteps, and cold drafts as she continues to speak to different spirits, you’re practically climbing up onto her, terrified.

Billie didn’t realize how intense the experience would be so when she sees you so scared she feels terrible. But you promise you’ll be ok. However when Audrey sees you even she notices how shaken up you are. So you share a nice, hot bath and Billie uses some cleansing techniques she has learned making you feel better. And she promises to be more aware of checking in on you next time.

A couple weeks before the date, they remember your birthday is coming up. Due to the coronavirus you can’t really do much. But they still ask what you would like to do out of the options available.

For you just being around your girlfriends is a gift in itself, but they insist. So you tell them that you would enjoy just spending a day out in nature after being cooped up for so long. Billie and Audrey take your small suggestion and go even further. On the morning of your birthday, they wake you up by serving you breakfast in bed. And it’s actually a good breakfast!

Then the three of you go to a park that is never very popular and hike a couple trails. And it just feels nice to have an outing. After hiking, you pick up take out from your favorite local restaurant and eat at home. And to finish the night off, the three of you have a campfire, make smores, and lay on a blanket to look up at the stars while cuddling and talking. Even though the day seems ordinary, this is one of the best birthdays you have had in years.

In terms of other holidays, you don’t really do too much. On Easter, Audrey convinces you and Billie to dress up and take some spring pictures in your yard. The theme was pastel colors and seeing Billie with her pearls in a blush pink dress as well as Audrey in a pistachio jumpsuit with a spontaneously made flower crown is adorable.

On the fourth of July, you grill up some food and the three of you spend the day by the pool. The day is even more special because Billie wears an American flag bikini you and Audrey bought for her with a cherry red color on her lips that matches her nails. Seeing her laid out like that has never made you or Audrey feel more patriotic in your lives. And she knows it too.

Now because Audrey is British, you and Billie enjoy teasing her about the defeat of England. She plays along, but really isn’t bothered. Especially because both of the loves of her life were born and raised in the United States.

For the first time all three of you are able to sit back and binge Netflix and Hulu as long as you want. And when you find out a couple of movies Audrey first appeared in are coming to these streaming services you ask about watching them.

At first she says no out of embarrassment, but after you promise to not make fun of her, she lets you watch them. In reality she is the hardest on herself about her “horrible” acting and how old she looks now. But you and Billie reassure her that she performed well and still looks absolutely beautiful.

This year Audrey received an invitation to attend the met gala and planned to take Billie as her plus one. Of course Audrey knows in the whole scheme of things, going to some gala is not something to make a big deal out of. But you and Billie know how honored Audrey felt and how disappointed she is. So you get her to put on the dress and give her a personal photoshoot. Of course it’s nowhere near professional, but the photos come out gorgeous and it does lift her spirits to see them.

When the information came out about masks being important to help flatten the curve and work to prevent the spread of coronavirus, before you can even look into it, Audrey has purchased color-coordinating masks for all three of you so you can match. But at the same time they are different enough to flatter each of your personal styles. And any time you have to go out, you all make sure to wear the coordinating ones.

Originally the three of you were going to travel to England to meet Audrey’s family for the first time this summer. Of course with the coronavirus you cancelled plans, however the three of your do take the time to FaceTime her family and meet them virtually. And they are all so nice. That’s when you see where Audrey gets her bubbly and friendly personality from.

You also take the time to FaceTime your own family and Billie’s family. For the first time you feel connected to a network of loved ones outside of the three of you and it’s really nice.

Finally, because the three of you are staying home, you take the opportunity to foster pets. You have always wanted to foster neonatal kittens and this is the perfect opportunity. Plus the idea of seeing your girlfriends holding and caring for the kittens makes your heart melt.

In the process the shelter contacts you about a dog to foster. At first, Audrey says no, but they assure you they’ll find a different foster home for them by the end of the weekend. So she begrudgingly allows it and—no kidding she falls in love with the dog.

The dog loves sniffing the kittens (but they are also lowkey terrified because they’re so small and fragile), going on long walks with Audrey, playing fetch or tug-of-war with you, and snuggling up with Billie at night. So you do end up fostering the dog and consider adoption.

However when you meet the applicant and see the dog light up at seeing the children of the family, you know they belong with these adopters who have kids for them to play with. So…even though it’s tough and Audrey sheds some tears, you all remember the good times you had with the dog and know the kittens will be there to snuggle and provide a little comfort when you get home.

Tagged: @marilynroselleprentiss, @saviorinsilk, @chokemepaulson, @versonstar, @find-me-a-constellation, @cordwliagoode, @psychobitchtess, @midnight-lestrange, @mysweetdelia, @venablesbitch, @peachesandlesbians, @nerdaroo, @cordeliafoxxe, @leskaksel, @lovelymspaulson, @grilledcheeseandguavajelly, @whatabluddymess, @natasha-danvers, @saucy-sapphic, @marvelfansince08love, @wilheminawinters, @dontsblameme, @mssallymckenna

Let me know if you would like to be tagged in later works!

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that-was-anticlimactic · 3 years

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I was tagged by the lovely and wonderful @zukosaturtle-duck :) thank you, Ellen:)

1. name/nickname: Corey actually is my nickname! My full name is Corrina but when I first made an Instagram fan account in 2012, someone asked my name and sixth grade me panicked and said Corey! I’m sick of having my name mispronounced even after correcting them, so I like giving people options:) I’ve also had two teachers accidentally call me Corona in the past year so I guess that’s a nickname too lol

2. gender: female

3. star sign: Capricorn

4. height: so. I haven’t measured or weighed myself in literal years because I just didn’t ?? Last time I measured myself, I was 5’1 1/2, but I think I’m 5’2 now?? Maybe 5’2 1/2???? I should probably measure myself haha

5. time: 12:31pm

6. birthday: December 29th

7. favorite bands/groups: ... I listen to Broadway:) so I’ll just name my favorite musicals: Aladdin, A Chorus Line, Come From Away, and Starry:)

8. favorite solo artist: ummm again, I listen to mostly Broadway so umm I’ll just name some more musical I like: Dogfight, Finding Neverland, anything by Team Starkid, Into the Woods, The Lightning Thief:)

9. song stuck in my head: Love Thy Neighbor from The Prom

10. last movie: Legend of Everfree

11. last show: I’m actually currently rewatching Psych (like literally right now I’m watching the episode Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead as I type this). It’s, in my opinion, the best live action show out there.

12. when did i create this blog: imma be real— I don’t remember?? Either 2017 or 2018???

13. what do i post: my blog used to be Ninjago, but now it’s a mix of atla / lok, Ninjago, The Hollow, and pretty much any cartoon! I also reblog some musical stuff, friendly reminders, and just stuff I think is important! I do post fanfiction on occasion as well! Love reblogging art because I can’t draw for crap and seeing beautiful art is 🥺🥰

14. last thing i googled: “when is kiss of the spider woman set” I was on a face time with my internet friends last night and every night I practice trying to say all of the MLP episodes in a season (alternates by night) in order, so I did s5 and then my other friend was like “gimme a year and I bet I can name all of the Tony nominees for best musical every year” and we were double checking haha

15. other blogs: this is my only blog akbekejrj

16. do i get asks: sometimes! The majority of my asks have to do with Sokka with Tourette’s headcanons or anything with TS, and I love that:)

17. why did i choose this url: my favorite word is anticlimactic and one of the scenes that made me laugh the hardest in Ninjago is in s5 ep4 when Cole thinks the other three are playing a prank on him and they’re running after him and Jay screams “DON’T OPEN THAT DOOR” and then nothing happens and Kai just goes “... well that was anticlimactic” and it’s just my favorite thing ever and I’ve considered changing my url to zukkaclimactic but I love that line so much I’m wjevjebr

18. following: 253 (crap I should follow more people wksbejje)

19. followers: 434🥺 thanks for putting up with my crap, friends🥺

20. average hours of sleep: hahahhaha umm god question. not sure. terrible sleep schedule, just ask Grace lol

21. lucky number: 3! I just love odd numbers and years ago (like sixth grade again) my friend and I made a dumb little Ninjago number code for whatever reason and my favorite character was three and idk I’ve felt a “connection” with three ever since haha

22. instruments: I played alto saxophone in band for seven-eight years, three years in marching band and tenor sax one year in marching band and part of my junior / senior year of high school!

23. what am i wearing: lol haven’t left my bed yet today so pajama pants with cute little cartoon pigs on them and a black long sleeve shirt hahahha

24. dream job: well, I’m going to college for English education, so teaching high school English is absolutely a dream job, but my impossible dream job would be voice acting, Broadway (if I could I actually sing ugh), or I would like to write a cartoon television show (and also lowkey voice a character). I do actually love my major, though, and it is a dream job!

25. dream trip: DENMARK DENMARK DENAMRK DENMARK!!! I love Denmark. I’m literally attempting to learn Danish for fun because I love Denmark. I know three Danish sign language words (I’m also almost fluent in asl but this is Danish sign language I—) but um ahem aside from Denmark, any trip where I meet my internet friends

26. favorite food: ngl I really like tomatoes. I eat whole tomatoes like apples a lot. Fantastic.

27. nationality: american

28. favorite song: my favorite song will always be High Adventure from Aladdin. That song is so important to me for reasons I won’t get into right now because this is long enough as it is, but that will always be my favorite song.

29. last book read: hmm I think the last book I read was fanfiction uhh but I am currently reading The Color Purple!

30. 3 fictional universes you’d like to live in: bro. Bro. Can I just live in a fictional universe. How must I choose only three ??? Umm Equestria from MLP, there’s just something so magical and powerful about the world from Kipo and the Age of Wonderbeasts and maybe it’s the fact that in the end humans and mutes live on the surface together so that’s my number two, and uhhh the world in Land of Stories like the book world.

Oh boy the hardest part: tagging people who haven’t been tagged yet. Umm @evelinaonline (I know you aren’t on tumblr as much, but friendship is magic haha), @tikmasjiens , @dnd-beyond (my fellow starkid fan), @rainydaysammy , and @canyourscienceexplainthis (feel free to not do this if you don’t want to! There’s no pressure to do it!)

#tag game #ellen I love you #thank you for the means to procrastinate #and rant about musicals lol

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aurasessence · 5 years

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Whatever you do, don’t imagine:

Don’t imagine the bots figuring out what Instagram is and finding a way to get it on Cybertron.

Don’t imagine them figuring it out and creating an account just to follow their human friends.

Don’t imagine them all getting together for what they call an “Activation Party”

Don’t imagine the first post they see being one of the ring Jack put on Miko’s finger.

Don’t imagine it being an emerald surrounded by diamonds and rubies on a black band.

Don’t imagine the caption being, “This is the happiest day of my life! I love my fiancé!” Followed by a bunch of white space and then “Hope my boys can make it to walk me down the aisle ⚔️💣”

Don’t imagine Bulkhead and Wheeljack fighting back tears because their little Meatball is getting married.

Dont imagine Arcee furiously trying to hide her tears.

Don’t imagine Ratchet making the grave mistake of scrolling down to Raf’s post, which is footage of the proposal.

Don’t imagine Jack’s voice being just a little deeper than it used to be.

Don’t imagine his voice cracking a little bit as he asks the old question.

Don’t imagine Ratchet smiling very softly as she says yes.

Don’t imagine Raf’s caption saying, “will I be best man? Or maid of honor? Either way, I’m not wearing a dress.”

Don’t imagine Ratchet scrolling back up to Miko’s post and commenting: “They’ll be there.”

Don’t imagine them getting a DM of just “omg”

Don’t imagine them figuring out how to get Skype to work with comms.

Don’t imagine them all sitting down together and Jack telling them the story of how he did it.

“I was having breakfast with Mom and I just kinda knew it was time. The hardest thing about it was the ring. It took forever to get someone who would do it.”

“Show it to us again.”

“I wanted it to have something to do with the other two men in her life, so it’s in Bulkhead and Wheeljack’s colors. And, I got the Wrecker insignia engraved on the inside.”

“That’s what you wanted the Wrecker insignia for.”

“Oh, don’t worry Arcee, we’re not leaving you out either. Jack’s band is gonna have a blue and a pink sapphire.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Yes I do. It’s only right. Oh, and I have a question for you.”

“Yeah?”

“Would you be my maid of honor?”

Don’t imagine Arcee accepting despite having no idea what it means.

“It has honor in the title, I can’t just turn it down.”

Don’t imagine Bulkhead and Wheeljack getting into a brawl over who gets to walk Miko down the aisle.

“I want you both to do it, quit smacking each other”

Don’t imagine Raf’s relief that he doesn’t have to wear a dress.

Don’t imagine, on the day of the wedding, the bots arriving in a big convoy of excitement.

Don’t imagine Miko’s dress being a gorgeous, self-designed masterpiece of white with pink accents.

Don’t imagine Arcee fulfilling the “maid of honor duties” of final touches.

Don’t imagine, in another room, Jack and Raf getting interrupted by a very stoic ratchet.

Don’t imagine Ratchet bringing a miniature version of the Cybertronian Medal of Honor for serving alongside the Prime for both of them.

“Optimus would’ve been honored to be here.”

“We would have been more honored to have him.”

Don’t imagine Ratchet holding up the ceremony for just a minute more so he can present Miko’s to her.

Don’t imagine him tearing up a bit as he pins it to her dress.

Don’t imagine, as the Boys meet Miko at the bottom of the stairs, they both tear up because their Meatball is so pretty omg

Don’t imagine that she walks down the aisle and, when she gets to the front, puts her bouquet in the seat next to Ratchet that’s marked with just a red rose.

Don’t imagine that the ceremony goes on beautifully and everyone cries.

Don’t imagine the reception being a huge, loud, rambunctious party

This is Miko’s wedding after all.

Don’t imagine the father daughter dance being something hilarious and spontaneous.

Don’t imagine June letting Arcee have the second half of her dance with Jack.

“It’s weird, you know, you being taller than me. Really weird.”

“Yeah. It’s freaky.”

Don’t imagine Ratchet off in a bathroom because Optimus should have been there.

Don’t imagine Ultra Magnus pulling him out because

“You said you’d do the speech, now come on.”

Raf’s best man speech is HILARIOUS

“So, they always tell you to “get married and settle down.” Well, Jack and Miko have checked the first box off. I’m not so sure they’ll ever check the second one though. This is Miko we’re talking about”

Arcee tells a fun story.

When I first met Miko, she said to Jack, “Dude, what are you waiting for?” I cannot express how many times I had to tell him the same thing.”

When Ratchet delivers Optimus’ speech, it goes something like this:

“Many of you may have noticed the empty chair with the rose during the ceremony, and the one beside me. The empty seat is in memory of someone who could not make it here today. He was, and I pray still is, an inspiration for both Miko and Jack.”

He has to pause a bit.

“Before his death, he asked me to deliver a speech in his place at each of their weddings.”

He’s trying so hard not to cry okay

“Jack, I am honored to have this opportunity to share in your festivities. Through the years I have known you, you have grown from a follower into the leader you are destined to be. I see much of myself in you. It is my prayer that you remain a guiding force, but that you learn to have fun every now and again.”

“Miko, it is an honor to speak at such a beautiful event in your life. During our time together, I have watched you grow into a friend, a confidante, and a fierce warrior. It is my prayer that you never lose your energy, your loyalty, or your taste for adventure as you cross this new threshold. Above all, I wish you both a loving and wonderful life together, and many more happy events such as this.”

Miko is in tears, and everyone applauds. As Miko’s CO, Ultra Magnus stands up and proposes “A toast to our couple and the happy lives they shall lead.”

The rest of the night is spent dancing, singing, and generally enjoying each other’s company. Once everyone except the team is gone, they all flop down in chairs and chat for a minute.

Somehow, somebody starts singing a Cybertronian folk song. The next hour devolves into everyone slapping tables and singing and, in Wheeljack and bulkhead’s case, getting absolutely hammered on the high-grade they can finally bust out.

At the end of their little Cybertronian celebration, Jack and Miko are loaded into a very fancy car and sent off to enjoy their honeymoon with a send off fit for Cybertronian royalty.

Overall the whole thing is very wholesome and cute.

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nancydrew65 · 5 years

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SKAM NL Season 2 Episode 8 Thoughts

So, I just realized that SKAM Dutch, the tumblr page that posts translated clips and text messages from the show, also labels how each clip is related to the episode, including which episode it belongs in! I am an idiot for not noticing this sooner. Now, I can post reactions sooner. Hurrah!

I Miss You

Liv wakes up hungover in Noah’s room lying in bed beside Morris and the blonde girl from the party.

Oh my god, I just realized this because I watched all the clips that just came out, but when Liv puts on her clothes, she doesn’t put on her bra. Rewatching this scene to write this reaction was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

As Liv leaves the house, she gets a bunch of messages from an unknown number. It is Noah and he lost his phone. He doesn’t want any more space and he texts her that he loves her. What a punch to the gut for Liv.

She has to throw up/retch by a tree. I have to say that lead-up was very realistic. I saw it in her before she did it that she was going to throw up.

And here starts the spiral into doom

What Happened Last Night?

Liv takes a shower at home, very similar to what Grace did in SKAM Austin. She buries herself into her covers and tries to fall asleep.

Ralph barges in and soon sees that something is wrong. He is worried about her not going to school and offers to make her juice! Sweetest Eskild ever. He is so attune to Liv’s feelings. I love him so much. I hope Liv confides in him soon.

Under the sheets Liv looks at all her messages and decides to send one to Morris asking what happened the night before. I think this is one of the hardest things that the Noora character is put through. Not only was she possibly raped or sexually assaulted, but she has to message her possible assaulter just to find out what really happened.

Flashbacks

This clip was… I almost felt physically sick watching it.

Liv is scrolling through instagram - there was an easter egg to SKAM with fan art of Noora - and looks through Morris’ profile. She finds a photo with Morris and the blonde girl who was in bed with them. Her name is Marie Van Aspen. So, this girl appears to be the Mari character. I really hope she and Liv have a scene together because she was so funny at the party.

Liv then searches for signs of whether or not you have had sex. My dear, poor girl.

Liv watches a youtube video of a girl who went through a similar experience as her, where she was drugged and taken advantage of in Las Vegas. I think it is really important for Liv to watch that video so that she realizes that whatever happened, it was not her fault.

There’s a knock at the door. Noah is outside, looking for Liv. She ignores him and he finally goes away when she texts him that she has the flu.

And then Morris texts Liv back and oh my god… SKAM NL just did that. So, I think SKAM NL set certain things up to make Liv’s situation seem better than other Noora’s, like how Ralph was so supportive and sweet and how Liv watched that really helpful, inspiring video of the girl who had been sexually assaulted. I think they did all that to shock us with this new reveal. For one, Morris responds much quicker than any other version of Niko and there is no fake-out text where he tells her nothing happened, she reunites with William, and then he texts her again and shows her the naked photo he took of her. Instead, we get this wholly awful scene where Morris texts Liv a video he took at the party where Liv is in bed wearing only her bra. In the video, Morris pulls back the covers of the bed and proceeds to slip Liv’s bra off, leaving her breasts exposed.

This is… shocking and horrible to say the least. I really wish there had been a trigger warning. Morris is easily the worst of the Nikos. And I feel kind of uncomfortable ranking the relative awfulness of each version of this character because each version is a terrible person. However, there is a large difference between Noora stripping and Niko taking a photo of her naked (still absolutely disgusting) and Morris approaching an almost unconscious Liv and stripping her bra off while she is protesting. That is sexual assault. And we don’t know if anything else happened… But that is so, so terrible regardless. I made an earlier post where I said I thought it would be interesting watching a version of Season 2 where Noora actually got assaulted because I thought it would be an incredibly complex and important storyline to tackle…. And I guess, be careful what you wish for. I am already so upset and horrified after one clip.

I Had to Do It

Liv is doing the wash and there is a very beautiful contrast between the white of the clothes and the dark hoodie Liv is wearing and the dark colors of her room.

Noah shows up with groceries. How domestic. No, I’m kidding. That was really sweet of him, probably one of the nicest things a person can do in a relationship tbh.

Liv explains that she isn’t angry anymore about him fighting, but she is sick and needs time to think. They share a kiss, so there’s hope. (Who am I kidding? I just watched the latest SKAM NL clip where a version once again leaves a version of Noora collapsed on the ground crying. I am very pissed off, but I will get more into that next episode.)

There was a great visual moment when Liv closes the door and leans back on it. She turns to the left where the glass part of the door is and through the frosted glass we see Noah’s silhouette. Very poignant. Once he leaves, she opens the door and grabs the groceries.

I Don’t Remember Anything

There was a trigger warning at the beginning of the clip, so at least SKAM NL took its fans thoughts into consideration.

Liv bakes cookies for Ralph and Jayden, but doesn’t have any herself. Is this a hint of her eating disorder? I know they kind of brushed that off in SKAM Austin and I can’t tell if they are doing that here.

Jayden comments on how put together Liv is… and that broke my heart because Liv is falling apart inside and she feels like she has to put up this strong front. Let people in!!!!! Tell the girls!!!!

Liv gets a call from her mother who sounds quite busy. Like the only time you can call your daughter is when you are in the car? Really? She does sound more concerned and invested in Liv’s life than her father who is really only interested in Liv’s music. And we got confirmation that Liv’s dad is experienced in the music industry.

This also made me notice that the record company meeting is probably equivalent to the article Noora had to write. That kind of makes it more sad, in my opinion. In Noora’s case, yeah, the article was a great opportunity to invest in her job goals, but for Liv it seems more serious. Music is something she loves and hopes to make a career in. This meeting could have potentially life-changing consequences for her and it is all ruined because of Noah’s asshole of a brother.

Liv’s mom suggests getting a plant (an offer Liv takes eventually) and tells her daughter that she is always there to talk. So, I feel like Liv’s mom actually does care about her daughter, but is a bit distant and is not really great in initiating contact.

Liv goes back to her room. Ralph asks to use Liv’s computer to look up a recipe to cook for Benny, his sweetheart. He finds what I assume is a website looking for symptoms of if you’ve been raped. We don’t know for sure.

He immediately confronts Liv about it. She yells that it’s not her fault. 1. It is incredibly sad that she has to assume that is what Ralph thinks, but 2. At least she doesn’t think it’s her fault.

Liv has a breakdown/panic attack and Ralph goes and hugs her, telling her she doesn’t have to go through this alone.

Now, I really enjoyed this scene, don’t get me wrong. I think SKAM NL has developed Ralph and Liv’s friendship very well this season. However, they do get rid of what is, in my opinion, Noah’s best scene in the season. And honestly, I would have cared more had I not just seen the scene where Noah confronts Liv. Now I’m glad they gave this scene to Ralph because Noah does not deserve it.

You Don’t Have to be Ashamed of Anything

While I am so so so so so glad that Liv has a support system much sooner than in other remakes… I am kind of uncomfortable about how SKAM NL handled it. I really wish Liv could have told the girls on her own, not have it something that was discovered. Despite how terrible it was watching Noora suffer alone, it was such a relief when she finally confided in the girls. I wish Liv could have been allowed to have that same initiative. She seems very reluctant when she is telling the story to the girls.

The girls (and Esra!) all arrive at the apartment (i’m pretty sure Ralph called them) to talk with Liv. I am glad that she explained the whole story to them and that Ralph didn’t just tell the girls all the details.

Speaking of the details, can we acknowledge how courageous Liv was to have showed them the video?

I loved the juxtaposition of everyone on one side of the bed, watching the video with Liv by herself on the other end. And as soon as the video ends, Isa and Engel climb right back to Liv’s side. It is kind of a metaphor for saying, we are here for you, it’s not your fault.

Esra says to go to the police… and yeah. Liv should most definitely go to the police. I am not very happy with SKAM NL executed the whole confrontation scene between Liv and Morris, but I will get more into that next episode. Long story, short: I wish they had adapted it better to the unique situation Liv is in, a situation vastly different from OG.

Liv doesn’t want to go to the police, but Engel convinces Liv to at least confront Morris. Janna says she will fight Morris bare-breasted. That is something I would like to see. Fight him, Janna!

Liv seems to get a renewed sense of confidence and messages Morris to meet with her.

General Thoughts

This has been probably my favorite episode in the whole season so far. I thought SKAM NL did a great job depicting Liv’s anguish and struggle (Zoe Love Smith is a fantastic actress, she is killing these extremely intense scenes) and despite how hard it is to watch, I am really glad they gave us a version where the Noora character is assaulted. For dramatic storyline purposes, I wish we had gotten the next clip (where Liv confronts Morris) as the last clip for this episode, but I understand that they have to distribute clips accordingly to each episode. That is really all I have to say.

#skam nl #skam remakes #skam reaction

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ohholyfanfics · 5 years

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Forelskelse|Harry Styles

Title: Forelskelse

Song(s): None

Warning(s): None

Summary: The story of how he came to love her.

Word Count: 2.7k

Florelskelse: is a Danish word meaning ‘the intense, almost unreal feelings that come with the beginning of love; when you start to fall in love’

He knew who she was, he knew what she looked that; but if you were to ask him anything about her he’d run short. Harry Styles, like to beam himself the most selfless person always taken into consideration what his friends likes and dislikes were, yet when it came to the young woman across the room he would run short. He simply couldn’t tell you the little things about her other than basics, which included: her name, age, and profession; other than those details he knew nothing else.

He couldn't tell you what her favorite color was or what wine she ordered each time they all went out. Harry simply couldn't answer any question about her because he didn't know, he liked it to think it wasn’t that he didn’t think she was important. That simply wasn't it, no no. Harry valued each and every single one of his friends but there was something about her, something he couldn’t grasp. It made him feel useless in a way, he felt like he should know more, in fact, he knew he should know more.

She, on the other hand, could tell you from the east to the west about him, she deemed it was simply because they were acquainted with one another. She knew a few more things than an average person, but she’d always been rather observant, though her close friend who blame it on her rather large crush on the man. Each time she shook it off simply stating she wasn't someone he’d be interested in.

She never understood how it worked, how fair was it that she fell for the one person who never seemed to give her the time of day. The feelings she felt weren't something she wanted, let alone something she ever wanted to admit. It all felt silly, as she spent her days and nights wondering why she couldn't even grasp the slightest bit of his attention. The aching need of just a simple hello during inside each time the gang would get together.

Now she stood before him, a glass half empty and mouth dry. Her eyes staring back at him almost as if he had grown an extra head, his feet tapping lightly as he waited for her response. He knew it. was a long shot but there was just something about her that drew him in. “Excuse me?” she finally spoke as he cleared his throat.

“I just wanted to know..” he started again trying to find the right words to say, the last thing he need was to ruin a friendship before it even began. “if you’d like to hang out.”

“Why?”

She didn’t mean to off rude or standoffish, but she was shocked. How was it fair that after she had promised herself to give up on him, he finds it alright to come crashing into her life. The alcohol was starting to run its course, as she felt a bit light headed.

“I want to get to know you better.”

Harry was a man on a mission the moment they entered the small corner cafe, which turned out to be one of her absolute favorites. He couldn’t help but smile and mentally pat himself on the back for the smart decision into coming here instead of dinner. He knew dinner was maybe too formal and hanging out at his place would most likely be a tab to awkward.

“What would you like?”

“A Chai Latte is fine.” she smiled softly as he nodded his head asking her to pick a table as he walked over to the front. His hands shaking lightly at the situation, he had known her for years and yet she felt like a complete stranger to him.

Sitting down, she couldn’t help but chuckle lightly at the situation she was in. Just a few months ago she had promised herself to stop trying to chase someone who didn’t want her, though she wasn’t really chasing. She was longing for his attention and now that she had it, it was all a bit too much.

“Wait so that’s where you’ve been?” he asked out breathlessly, it was then that he realized there was more to her than meets the eye. From her always kept together appearance to the soft smile on her face. She was truly a wonder and he couldn’t understand why it had taken him so long to reach out to her.

“Yeah, I just got the promotion.” she nodded while twirling the wooden stick in her drink. She had devoted her free time into proving to her boss she was more than capable in being head of a department. She always wanted nothing more, but being the head of the children's department and lunching it with book by one of her favorite authors was incogitable.

“Have you always wanted to do that?”

“Be an editor?”

“Yeah, you just don’t seem like the kind of person to me,” he stated with a soft smile as she chuckled softly leaning back in her seat.

“Well, you don’t seem like the kind of person to be a businessman.”

It’s been two weeks since their first little hangout and Harry couldn’t wait for the next time he’d see her. She was beyond busy since finally launching the children's department, having her finally agreeing to hang out with him he knew just what they both needed after a stressful week.

“What’s her favorite wine?” he spoke into the speaker as he waited for Niall to respond. The rest of the group is no help, making him turn to the one person who knew just as much as he did.

“She likes sweet wine,” Niall mumbled as he wrecked his brain trying his best to remember what wine was is that she said she liked. He knew Harry had recently made it his mission to know every single little thing about her.

“That’s very helpful Niall.”

“Oh, Moscato d’Asti.”

“You positive?”

Setting everything out, he clapped his hands and turned on the music slowly. It was a simple dish but one of his favorites, he knew it would also be on of her’s. She had explained to him how deep her love for Alfredo was. Halfway through the dish, he heard the doorbell ring.

“Hey.” she chuckled softly offering him a bottle of wine, the same bottle of wine he had just stuck up on. “I brought some wine.” she giggled softly as he pulled her in.

“Moscato d’Asti?” he asked with a smile as she nodded her head. Peeling her coat off, she placed it on the counter along with her bag. “Would you like a glass?”

Taken the glass from his hand, she smiled softly following him into the kitchen. His smile was bright as the two fell into an easy conversation, the sound of laughing filling him with a warmness, the whole night had gone fantastically from her compliments on his cooking to the bottomless glasses of wine.

“At this rate, I won’t be able to drive home.” she giggled softly, the alcohol beginning to have an effect as they sat on his couch, a random movie playing but neither of them paying attention.

“You can always stay the night.” he breathed out as she looked back at him with a soft smile. As appealing as that sounded she knew it wasn’t a step she was ready for. Harry was nice, he was extremely giving even, but she knew for her own sanity she needed time before crossing that step.

“I better get home.”

He frowned slightly as she stood up, it wasn’t that he was offended. He wanted to spend more time with her, it was early and he believed everything was going great, perfect even. It was silly that he was feeling this way, it wasn’t like this was a date, in fact, it was nothing more than two friends getting to know each other.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just have a date tomorrow.”

That was a little over a month ago, the time he had with her was already short, but now it seemed even worse. Every single time he had tried and reached out to her, Y/N would politely decline stating she was either busy with or work had plans with Connor. Connor that was the name of the guy she had a date with the last time they had hung out.

Harry didn’t notice just how much he loved the friendship they had built till everything had recently stopped. He relied on Instagram and Twitter on how she was doing, his texts constantly going unanswered. Tonight whoever he would be doing all in his power to talk to her, seeing how she’s doing and hopefully get to root of her disappearance.

“Heard she’s being that lad around.” Jim breathed out as he and Harry walked back to the table. Harry shrugged not knowing what to even think. “Have ya talked to her?”

“Nope..” he breathed out with a soft sigh, not wanting to say anything that could remotely give whatever he was feeling away. Gemma had managed to sneak her way into his head explaining that maybe he just had some sort of feelings for her. “Haven’t talked to her since earlier this week.”

“Well look like the lad is here.”

Connor was something, he was everything that she wasn’t. From his perfectly styled blonde hair to the way his smile bearly even met his eyes, Harry didn’t like him. He made the conclusion so maybe it is the fact that he didn’t know him, or maybe because he just wanted what’s best for her. In his eyes, Connor just wasn’t the person she needed, well the thing that was certain was he wasn’t the person she wanted.

Rushing into the cafe, she smiled catching sight of him waiting for her. Taken the seat before him, she thanked him for the coffee. It was silent for a while before she finally spoke. It was heard not managing her career, social life, and a sorry excuse of a love life. Connor was great, truly but what he had her feeling come nothing to what Harry did, but Harry wasn’t her’s to take.

“How’s Connor?” he asked, though he couldn’t care much about him it was more than common courtesy to at least ask, even if he didn’t care. He wanted to be a good friend, not a jealous friend.

“He’s okay.” she wasn’t sure why, but she felt comfortable. Maybe that’s why now they both sat there as she poured her heart to him, maybe she confessed a bit too much but it felt good. He listened not once judging her, not even when she explained that she had hoped so dearly that Connor would help her get over the guy she had bee sorta pinning after.

“But does he make you happy?” he asked trying his hardest to let go of that fact that there was someone else. Someone who had managed to capture her heart in a way, that made him envy.

“In a way yeah.”

“She missed another hangout.” he breathed out trying his best to not let it bother him, suddenly he found himself thinking of her more. Wondering if Connor was living up to her expectations or if the other guy was finally giving her the time of day he knew she desired and deserved.

“She went to the one mid-week.” Niall reminded him but Harry shrugged knowing that wasn’t necessarily a hangout.

“That was more of a last minute thing.”

“Mate cut the bullshit, ya like her.”

“Niall it doesn’t matter can we drop it?” he huffed looking back at the documents before him. The last thing he needed was to have his mind clouded with feelings that he knew would never be returned. “Plus she likes that other lad.”

Niall let out a loud groan in frustration not understanding how Harry could be so dense when it came to this girl. They all knew she liked him, hell she might even be in love with him. He wasn’t one to wiggle his nose in others business but this was something he thought would benefit them both.

“Did you ask her who he was?”

“Nope.”

“Stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“It’s you, you wanker.”

The look on her face said it all as he stood across from her, god this wasn’t going like he had expected it would. Her jaw was clenched and her eyes widened in that certain way it did when she was angry. He didn’t know what had possessed him into showing up at her office asking to see her. Now he knew he had to face the consequences of his actions.

“You came here to tell me that I like you?” she spoke slowly as the words finally hit him. Ridiculous, that’s what this was. She wasn’t sure what she was feeling at the moment but one thing was certain. She was beyond aggravated. “Are you fucking with me?”

“No!” He shouted as his hands went up in front of him. He was more than ready to define his actions. “Niall just came over and he planted-“

“So it’s Niall’s fault your here?”

“Well no, but he might’ve given me that push?”

“So you decided it was a fantastic idea to barge into my place of work and make a scene?” She scowled.

“Fuck, can't you see that I’m trying to tell you something!”

“Tell me something! Harry, you came here to basically say something you heard.”

“Tell me it isn’t true.”

“I’m with Connor.”

“No, you’re not!”

“How would you know that?!” She shouted completely ignoring the fact that the whole floor could hear her at this point. “How could you possibly know that if just the mere thought of him gets you frowning!”

“That’s not true.”

“Harry I’m not having this conversation with. Can you please leave.”

She hadn’t gotten the courage to face him, the truth being out wasn’t something she was willing to admit. It had taken her so long to reach where she was now with him, the last thing she wanted was her feelings getting in the middle of that. Six group outings she had missed since the incident at her office.

“I’m sorry.” she breathed out looking over at him, his hair a slight mess as he moved to the side allowing her in.

“Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why have you been ignoring my phone calls?”

“Becuase it’s true.”

His mouth felt dry as he stood there before her, his brain seems to have lost all sense as he waited for her to speak. He needed more, God he needed so much more than that. He wanted her to explain, explain why she kept it from him.

"God Harry I couldn't just tell you that I liked you." she breathed out not once meeting his eyes as she let out a cold chuckle. "Do you not understand how underlining crazy that would've been."

"But Connor?"

"Connor is sweet, he's so sweet." she breathed out not knowing how badly her next words were going to affect him. "Do you know how badly I want to make things work with him?"

"But-"

"No just listen! God just listen for one fucking second." she rushed out in a panic, she needed for him to listen. e had to listen to what she was feeling it was only fair that he allowed her that. That he knew just how long she had liked him and how much Connor had helped her. "I wanted so badly to make it work, to forget about you. It took me so long to even find someone to make me feel half of what you did."

"I like you okay." he breathed out causing her to stop what she was doing. "Jesus it happened so suddenly and I don't regret any of it. I just wanted to get to know you better as I had said. But you, God you are amazing from you dedication in rebuilding the children's department to all that you do for everyone. Without even meaning too you had me so deep in your spell and I don't think I ever want out. Just give me a chance can you do that? Can you give me a chance?"

"I would love to do that Harry." she giggled softly as he tugged her into his arms.

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slapshot-to-the-heart · 5 years

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For the Love of Queens

Totally random one-off idea I’ve had floating around for a few months, so bear with me, haha! Only planning for it to be a one-part, but please tell me what y’all thing!

For the Love of Queens

Late August, 2018

After the snap, the last thing Peter wanted to do was to get himself in trouble again. He had had his fun already, been to more planets than 99.9998% of the population— if you rounded to the fourth decimal, he did the math— and had seen more tragedy than anyone should ever have to experience. But he wasn’t willing to hang up the suit. He couldn’t. His city still needed him, his people still needed him, and as much as he sometimes wanted to throw in the towel, he couldn’t. He had an obligation to help wherever and whenever he could, and that commitment was one he didn’t take lightly. If he wasn’t going to protect Delmar’s bodega, and that kid who had his bike stolen, and that nice Dominican lady who bought him a churro, who would? Spider-Man wasn’t gone, but he needed to go back to his roots, back to where he came from. Back to being a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. Back to Queens.

So, almost like someone had spun a Time-Turner back to 2017, Peter was sitting on the edge of a ten-story building a few blocks from his apartment, a #5 in one hand and his phone in the other. But the difference was, this time, he wasn’t constantly texting Happy, itching for an assignment, for a chance to prove himself. He was scrolling through a Buzzfeed article entitled “46 Memes Guaranteed to Butter Your Eggroll.” He needed new material for the Midtown High Instagram page that he, Ned, and MJ ran. Now that his weekends weren’t packed full of a potentially universe-ending sojourn to Titan, he had a little more spare time to actually, you know, be a kid for once. He bookmarked the page, finished off the churro, and zipped his phone into one of his suit pockets. Telling Tony he wanted to take a step back from the Avengers, having that conversation with him, was one of the hardest things Peter had ever had to do. There was nothing he hated more than disappointing people. Compounding that with the fact that Tony was probably the closest thing he had to a dad since Ben died, and Peter was practically shaking when he told him he wanted to ease up on missions. Tony was strangely understanding about the whole thing, even though Peter wasn’t too sure why he expected otherwise, and pulled him into a hug, telling him to “do what you need to do, kid.” And as soon as Petter reassured him that he did want to keep working with him, just maybe make the “Stark internship” less Avenging and more STEM-y, he nodded, made a thirty-second phone call to Pepper, and told him to show up Monday after school.

So Peter wasn't less busy than normal, not by a long shot. Between school, homework, his actual internship, and the patrols— decathalon season hadn’t started yet, thank God— his schedule was more packed than ever. But he was also happier than he’d ever been, and more fulfilled than he could ever remember.

As Peter swung down from the ledge, dropping down to the street below, he noticed something odd. Not concerning, just out of the norm. Three people, young people, in T-shirts with clipboards, pens, and stacks of what was either flyers or restaurant menus, Peter couldn’t really tell. They weren’t with Greenpeace, or Amnesty, or the ASPCA, judging from the lack of logos on their clothing, so he was more than a little confused. Keeping a curious eye on them from his hiding place behind a lamppost, he waited a few minutes for the group to reach the next block. They had tucked some kind of a pamphlet-postcard-type-thing into the frame of Glen’s Barber Shop, and after a moment to make sure the coast was clear, Peter looked for a moment, grabbed it, and slid it into a pocket.

At about half past eleven, Peter was back on the fire escape outside of his Queens bedroom. After May had discovered his, er, “extracurricular” activities, she left his windows open at night, contingent on his promise that he’d be back by midnight and kept his GPS location on in case anything went amiss. She knew that he was a good kid, that his heart was in the right place, and at his core, he just wanted to help people. And what kind of person would she be if she told Peter, who for all intents and purposes was her kid by this point, that he couldn’t be a good person?

He threw his backpack on the floor, wincing when he heard the telltale “clang” of his water bottle, and unzipped his suit, folding it haphazardly and placing it back into its designated box. The pamphlet fluttered out of his pocket,and Peter leaned down to pick it up, one arm still wrestling to pull his favorite sleep shirt over his head. He originally tried to smooth out the creases, quickly abandoning his efforts, and sat on his bed. Peter knew that there was an election in a few months, he knew he absolutely detested Donald Trump, and he knew that he was mad as hell that he couldn’t vote. But that had caused some amount of complacency with him; if he couldn’t actually cast a ballot for anyone, what use was it knowing who was running or what was on the news if all it seemed was ever on was old people yelling at each other? It wasn’t like Peter didn’t care about the issues; that couldn’t be further from the truth. If he didn’t end up going into crime-fighting full-time after high school, what he really wanted to do was go into environmental engineering and sustainable development. He’d seen all of the heartache and pain that gun violence had brought the city and people he loved, so he knew how important reasonable gun control policy was. And despite all of New York City’s espoused progressive values, Peter’s AP Spanish teacher had come to school with red-rimmed eyes one day, telling the class that him and his husband had just been turned down by another adoption agency for being gay. And college. College was a big one. Tony had repeatedly offered to set him up at MIT— “Think of it like a scholarship,” he had said,— but Peter didn’t want to feel like he was getting anything handed to him that he hadn’t earned. May didn’t make too much either, and while they could certainly live off of her salary from the hospital and Uncle Ben’s life insurance for a while, hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans were a different story.

Peter flipped the pamphlet around, scanning the front cover. Dignified healthcare. He liked that. Tuition-free higher education. He really liked that. Quality employment. A $15 minimum wage in New York City was great, but still didn’t make ends meet for some people. Justice for all. Sounds about right, Peter thought. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Democrat for Congress NY-14. He’d have to look her up.

Half an hour later, Peter yawned as he finally closed his laptop from her campaign website, remarkably tired and also pretty sure he had signed up for a mailing list at some point. It was almost one, and he needed to get to bed. Research could wait until morning.

It was a block day, so after his calculus class had let out, Peter grabbed his lunch from the locker and walked over to the cafeteria, meeting Ned and MJ at their usual table.

“Sup,” Ned said, in between waffle fries.

Peter looked at him quizcally. “Since when do you say ‘sup?’”

He shrugged. “It’s a new thing I’m trying out. Doesn’t work?”

“Not by a long shot.”

MJ snorted. “You guys are a couple of losers, you know that?”

“And you’re not?” Ned asked.

She tilted her head. “The thing is,” she said, pausing, “I already knew that, and I’ve accepted it. It’s only when you really come to terms with yourself and who you are that you’re able to move on and develop. So what if I’m a little bit of loser?”

Peter shook his head, trying to hold back a snort. “Hey guys, want to hear something weird that happened to me yesterday?”

“I’m always up for weird,” Ned responded.

“So, I was on patrol, and these people were walking around. And at first I thought they were like from the ASPCA or something, you know how they’re always around here?” They nodded. “But anyways, they weren’t, and I picked up one of the flyers they left by Glen’s, the barber shop, and I got to reading, and—”

“Oh, God, Peter joined a cult,” Ned said, panicking.

Peter shook his head, reaching down into his backpack to retrieve the pamphlet. “No, no, I promise it’s not a cult. I guess it was people campaigning for the election, what’s it called, canvassing? Well, it’s people canvassing for this woman running for Congress—”

“AOC?” MJ asked, interrupting.

“Huh?”

“AOC. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. That who you’re talking about?”

His eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah, how did you know?”

The side of her mouth twitched. “I’ve been walking for her since the summer. You know how I’ve been busy on my weekends now?” Peter and Ned nodded. “I’m heading up her youth volunteering. Outreach mostly, getting high schoolers to understand that they deserve to have a say in who’s elected to represent us. Getting them to campaign for someone who actually believes that we all deserve a fair chance. To campaign for someone like them. A young person who’s a woman of color, who didn’t come from money, who cares.”

“Geez, MJ, why don’t you run yourself?” Peter asked, only half-joking.

“I mean,” she started, grabbing the spare hairband from her wrist and pulling her hair into a ponytail, “obviously I’m too young, but I’m not even sure if I’d want to be the kind of public face that elected officials are. I’d rather be the one calling the shots from behind the scenes, the guy in the chair, if you will,” MJ added, nodding towards Ned.

“Wait, I’m still confused. So who’s she?” Ned asked, looking in between Peter and MJ.

Peter slid the pamphlet over to his side of the table while MJ grinned. “Now, let me tell you.”

Ten minutes and two online forms later, MJ had signed both Peter and Ned up for canvassing on Saturday. “I know you’ve got your ‘Stark thing,’” she had said, using air quotes, “and your actual Stark thing, so I put you down for the morning. You said you’re free then, right?”

Peter nodded. “I don’t have to be at Tony’s until what, like 2 or something? Plenty of time.”

“Great, and Ned?”

Ned tilted his head, in that low-key, laidback way of his. “Hey, you just tell me what you need and I’m there, MJ. I trust your judgement. You say she’s the real deal?”

MJ nodded. “She is. I’ve met her, and I like to pride myself on having what’s probably the best bullshit detector of anyone I’ve ever met.”

“Then I’m in.”

So Saturday afternoon found Ned, Peter, and MJ crammed into a small and packed but bright office in the north side of Queens, listening to someone who Peter’s pretty sure introduced themself as AOC’s campaign manager. Maybe deputy campaign manager? Peter wasn’t too sure, he didn’t know how these things usually went. But she was standing on a desk, which was cool.

“You need to make sure you’re able to ask for their support, see who they’re supporting, and tell them why you support Alexandria. This campaign is going to be won by people making connections and ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard and everyone feels like they are listened to. Because she’s running to represent the entire New York 14th, not only the ones who will vote for her. And I know it might seem tempting, but please, please make sure that you remain cordial to everyone, even if they say they’re voting for the other guy or they think her policies are crap. Stay calm, thank them for their time, and move on. This campaign is already an uphill battle, and we don’t need anything else stacked against us.” She finished her speech with a slight nod of her head. “Can I have all of our regular volunteers or field staff raise their hands?” About fifteen people in the group of thirty-five or so raised their hands. “Alright, anyone who’s new or more comfortable with someone more experienced, grab a partner or two and get into groups of two or three. Javier over there,” she pointed to a young man by the door, who was precariously holding stacks of folders in one hand, “has the district maps and lists of all the houses everyone will be going to, so go see him for that. One per group.” She was about to step down, but wheeled around and raised her voice again. “Oh, and one more thing—” she added, “Alexandria will be stopping in the office around noonish after a town hall she’s hosting, so be sure to swing back by if you haven’t met her. Fair warning, she’s a hugger.”

MJ nudged Peter with her shoulder. “You ready?”

He grinned. “Oh, hell yeah I am.”

#peter parker #peter parker imagine #marvel #mcu #marvel imagine #marvel writing #peter parker imagines #marvel imagines

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narwhallove · 6 years

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From the Cajun’s Mouth: Interview with Gambit Cosplayer

Comic book designs are NOT realistic . . . the chest plate makes it impossible to sit.—Riley

Riley, or @cajuncajole, is the closest you get to the mutant himself—natural-born Cajun, ex-pat of his native Louisiana, cat-lover with a heart o’ gold—except Riley steps the non-thievin’ side of life. Like Gambit, Riley's a polymath: a professional in a veterinarian clinic, freelance visual artist, musician, podcaster, Rogue & Gambit forum host, and fanfic author. And did I mention he’s an active cosplayer?

After writing a visual analysis about Gambit’s uniform, I thought: Who knows this costume better than a cosplayer? Who better understands the pains and joys of breastplates and dusters than fellow Romy fan, Riley?

That’s right. Gambit in the house.

So why Gambit? Was there something particular about Gambit's look or story that pulled you toward cosplaying him?

Gambit has been my favorite since I saw him in one of my cousin's comics way back in 1990. I couldn't tell you which one it was, but being Cajun, I was automatically drawn to him and he became my favorite because we shared that same history. I got into cosplay in the fall of 2013 and decided I wanted to cosplay Gambit that following year, because he was my favorite character of all time, so it only made sense to do so. What do you think makes Gambit's uniform special? It's so iconic! Especially if you're cosplaying his traditional 90s uniform. Everyone recognizes it and knows it's Gambit. Not only from the bright pinkish chest plate and head gear, but his awesome jacket and playing cards! While you were developing or constructing your costume, were there any big surprises? Any unexpected discovery about the design or about Gambit himself that you weren't expecting? Everything has to be modified. That's just how it is. Comic book designs are NOT realistic. I think the biggest thing was the head gear. There was NO way that thing was going to stay in place on my cheeks, so my first run looked silly. I had to use spirit gum and still do! Another thing is the chest plate makes it IMPOSSIBLE to sit . . . So, that is still becoming a thorn in my side. My most recent cosplay is better, but could still be modified so I can sit more comfortably. Also, the jacket is EXTREMELY difficult to swing a staff around in. I actually practice the staff and it's quite challenging to do so wearing a trench coat / duster. Another thing that looks great in comics but isn't really realistic. It can be done, but not as graceful as Gambit, lol.

Of all of Gambit's costumes over the years in canon, which is your favorite? Ugh, that's a tough one! If I HAD to choose, I'd go with his modern one. It's not as flashy as his original suit and the colors are dulled down, but that familiarity is still there. Of all your costumes, which is your favorite? I would have to go with my most recent one, which is his modern one. I've actually modified it to where the leg straps make sense and added pouches. Also—the cats! I have 3 plushie cats that go with the cosplay.

(Below are four examples of Riley’s art)

Can you describe a bit of the process that goes into making your favorite of these costumes? The biggest thing is narrowing down exactly which uniform I want to do. Then, I decide on how difficult it'll be to make it. I actually get help from friends who know foam better than I do, so they've been a HUGE help. I try to give myself a reasonable amount of time before a convention so I have a chance to test everything out and see if it works. My first cosplay, I spent $500+ in the span of a year just putting it all together. I made the chest piece out of a paintball armored shirt and painted it. The hardest thing was finding the right jacket. Luckily, I've found some cheap ones off of Etsy and eBay, but my most 2 recent jackets were in the $100 range. I save up for these things, because who can just drop that kinda money? One costume that didn't go anywhere was All New X-Factor. I have the jacket, but everything else fell through.

How have other fans (or strangers) responded to seeing you in costume? People have responded well! They know who I am and they absolutely LOVED the cats. I've done several photo shoots with other X-Men fans and it's been a complete blast! Gambit fans appreciated the cats and wanted to hold them for pictures. It's great when people understand your cosplay down to the props!

To hear Riley’s dulcet tones, listen to Bon Temps!, a terrific podcast featuring Riley and other fans, about Romy and the fandom, which you may support by donating to the site or by PayPaling [email protected].

To see more of his art, check out his Instagram: @laissez_le_bon_temps_rouler. You may spot Gambit, Figaro, Lucien, and Oliver at conventions such as MegaCon Orlando & Tampa, MetroCon, FusionCon, and Tampa Bay Comic Con. Many thanks to @CajunCajole for agreeing and participating to this interview! You were a delight!

#gambit #x-men cosplay #cosplay #cajuncajole #gambit cosplay #interview #nerd interview #fandom #remy lebeau #comics versus IRL #rogue and gambit #romy #rambit

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hqcentineo-blog · 6 years

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late to the party — condineo

Date / Time / Location : Saturday September 29, 2018 / 12:30AM / Los Angeles, CA Background Info : After getting the cold shoulder from Lana for the better part of two weeks (much deserved after the shitty texts he sent her after a night of drinking), Noah finds out via insta story that she’s in LA. And hasn’t told him. It’s time to make this a face-to-face fight. Featuring : Lana Condor @lanacndr ; Mentioning : Camila Mendes @hqcami TRIGGER WARNING : N O N E

Noah: It was coming up on two weeks since Noah had heard from Lana; this was the longest they’d gone without communication since they’d met and it still left a bad taste in Noah’s mouth anytime this fact came to mind. His life felt off kilter, his world skewed like a wheel on a bent axis. He didn’t remember how to live a life that didn’t include her and it really annoyed him. In an attempt to forge a new normal, Noah had his boys on stand-by, a crew of friends ready to go out and hang at moments notice. But for now, he was at his house, spending some time with himself in an attempt to keep his head clear. Since he was in training for his next film, there was no booze in his house. As long as he stayed home, he was good. Lounging on his couch, Noah scrolled instagram, ignoring his flooding DMs, seeing what his friends were up to in their respective lives. After a while, he did what he always did and typed Lana’s name, watching as her profile appeared, a multicolored circle around her icon, signifying that she had added to her story. He wanted to watch it but he didn’t really want his name to appear as having watched it. After some internal debate, he tapped the screen, the image of Lana dancing in a dark club with a bunch of friends-including the likes of his other former costar Camila Mendes-appearing before his very eyes. He tapped the screen to replay the video, taking note of the unique light patterns on the wall behind the bar. He knew that place. It wasn’t in Vancouver; it was in West Hollywood. Lana was in LA and hadn’t even told him. With a three word text to the group thread, Noah jumped off the couch and ran for his bedroom to get ready. ‘WeHo. Let’s go.’

Lana: It was strange for Lana to go this long without speaking to Noah; it felt unnatural, as though something had broken, throwing her for a loop. This was her world, without him in it – and she didn't like it. Not one bit. She didn't know how to be his friend... not like this. She'd heard her fair share of voicemails, they begun filling up her inbox, and in an effort to hear his voice, she'd listen to them. Again. And again. And again. Why don't you just call him? It was her pride keeping her from taking that step, and maybe, she wanted him to understand just how hurt she was by his words. She knew he had been drunk, that it was unintentional, but she was of the thought: drunken words speak sober thoughts. Somewhere, deep down, he must have believed what he said. It must have explained why, when she knew she was going to LA, that she didn't tell him. She hadn't reached out, because she wasn't sure if she was ready to see him – or maybe she was, but she couldn't bring herself to. Not after how they left things when he was last in Vancouver, and not after the last two weeks. Gathering with her friends in town, they'd set out for a night on the town with no particular goal in mind, but to dance and drink her troubles away for the evening.Dressed in venue-appropriate attire, and make-up that accentuated her features, highlighting the apples of her cheeks, Lana had no trouble blending in with the magnanimous aesthetic of her chosen squad for the night's activities. The waving of phones and cameras at one another, filming it and sharing it for all to see. She hadn't done it to throw it in his face, in fact, she ensured the name of the venue was obscured and that there was no clear indication of where she was partying; in the case a fan or two wanted to appear, and join in on her shenanigans. Dim neon lights illuminate various line of their bodies, the music resonating over the crowd; a boisterous laugh leaving her lips as she stumbled into a booth with her friends. Dark eyes roaming the club, watching the club-goers lose themselves in the ecstasy of the setting, searching and searching, until... she sees him. Was she drunk? No, it couldn't be. It was really him. It was Noah.

Noah: The music was blasting loud enough to be heard from the other end of the block. Climbing out of the black Escalade Uber with his friends, Noah swallowed hard as he ran a hand through his hair. He was nervous. Nervous to see her, nervous to follow the plan he’d semi-constructed in his head with the hopes of getting near enough to speak to her, nervous across the board. This entire situation was beyond stupid and Noah silently cursed himself for putting them in the space they were currently inhabiting as he and his crew neared the roped off entrance to the club. A broad smile from Noah was met by a recognizing nodding from the bouncer and the red velvet rope was immediately moved aside for them, allowing he and his five best buds passage into the dark venue, much to the dismay of the line of partygoers who’d been waiting their turn. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dimness, the only source of light coming from the flashing neon colors that bounced off the walls like gumdrops. For all he knew, Lana was gone. Those videos had gone on her story nearly an hour ago and, for all he knew, this whole thing was for naught. He ordered a drink and grabbed an open booth, sitting down before allowing his gaze to scan the room. He tried his best to be nonchalant about it but he knew he more than likely looked like a creep. It was then that a girl caught his eye: he didn’t know this blonde girl personally but he knew her face. She had been on Camila’s story, wrapping Lana in a giant bear hug. Using her as a landmark, Noah began to examine the girls in her near proximity until...bingo. Lana. “Jack,” Noah said, slapping his best friend on the shoulder. “You see that blonde girl over there? Go talk to her, will ya?” In this fashion, Noah made his rounds through his friend group; for each guy, there was a girl Noah needed him to talk to until there were only two women left standing: Lana and Camila. Like a missile locked onto its target, Noah started to make his way over to where the two were sitting in a partially exposed booth. He tried to be casual about it, taking the time to stop and chat with the few people to recognized him and cared enough to stop him for a selfie. Eventually, he came up on their table. “Ladies,” he said, his voice thick with charm as if he was smoozing a stranger in the hopes of going home with her. From the looks on their faces, this course of action wasn’t going to get him anywhere. Turning his attention to Camila, Noah’s features softened. “Cam, can I talk to Lana alone for a second?” When no one moved, Noah tried to smile. “You can grab a few drinks? On me?”

Lana: She tried to imagine what she would say – how she would react if they had run into each other during her impromptu trip to LA. Lana hadn’t gotten past the initial shock, nor did she figure a passable tactic to maneuvering away from the scenario. So when faced with reality, she hadn’t any clue what to do. Except that she was going to try her absolute hardest to continue avoiding him – hoping that her loyal comrades wouldn’t leave her on the battlefield alone. But Noah was a smart enemy; he knew how to pick off her friends, one by one. She should have figured this would happen – so when there only remained her and Camila, her eyes spoke volumes: don’t leave me alone. Nodding a silent agreement, they continued to feign ignorance. Like anything, if they ignored it long enough, it would go away... but this was Noah, and he was never going to let that happen. Crafty, cunning in his efforts, but she knew better than to fold and let him have the upper hand. It was a petty mentality, because underneath the façade, she wanted to talk to him, run at him and throw her arms around him, but her pride kept her from doing so. Fingers clenched and unclenched around her near-empty beer bottle, her shining eyes flickering between a spot ahead of her, the approaching figure of Noah, and the stronghold of Camila beside her. Lana pushed at loose hair, attempting to focus her attention on the only companion that remained at her side. “You can’t leave me, no matter what you do – you can’t –“ Her plea was cut short by a familiar voice, one she’d actively tried to avoid, but spent far too much time mooning over. His question was directed at the Brazilian beauty, and when she looked over, Lana could only widen her eyes enough to get her message across: no. When no movement was made, he calculated a new approach; one that was both genius and well-thought. A sideways glance was all it took to see that Camila was considering the offer. There was no way she would take him up on it, right? She wouldn’t do that – no amount of free booze could – oh, there she goes. Shooting an apologetic, but devious smile in their direction, she begun towards the bar. Seriously?! Mentally cursing at whatever God was laughing at her expense, Lana kept her eyes trained on the swaying crowd of club goers, rather purposeful in not acknowledging Noah’s presence, as powerful as it may be. No matter how much she wanted to speak to him... she simply couldn’t give in.

Noah: He hadn’t actually excepted tactic no. 2 to work--Camila was headstrong to a tee, not unlike a bull--but with nothing more than a knowing glance, she slipped into the massive crowd in the general direction of the bar; he could only imagine the top shelf shit she would rack up on his tab, a little extra ‘fuck you for hurting my friend’ and he couldn’t really blame her. Focusing his attention back on the girl that actually mattered, Noah glanced down, painfully aware of Lana’s counterattack: look at anyone or anything but him. Smart, decisive, oh so cold and if it hadn’t been directed at him, he would have been impressed instead of overcome with the hurt that was radiating in his chest. Okay. He was here. He had her right in front of him. Now what? The plan he’d poorly established in his mind hadn’t gone this far. Apparently it was time to go off book and wing it. Either by her design or sick coincidence, Lana was seated on the very edge of the narrow booth, allowing him absolutely no room to sit down beside her. The two foot gap between his head and hers combined with the blaring music wasn’t exactly ideal for a heart-to-heart apology so he knelt, one knee hitting the slightly sticky floor until their eyes were level. “I can’t believe you would come to LA and not tell me.” That was miles away from the real issue but it seemed a natural starting point. And besides, what was he supposed to say that he hadn’t already left on her voicemail? The atmosphere was less than ideal, true, but Noah wasn’t about to suggest that Lana go anywhere with him, even if only to better hear his apology. It was a miracle in itself that she hadn’t gotten up and walked away yet; he’s just have to make due wit with what he had. “And I think you should get your phone fixed because you apparently haven’t been getting any of my calls.” These words were accompanied by a small and tentative smile, one that could either say ‘I’m sorry’ or ‘I really wanna kiss you’ and, in this particular instance, it meant both. It would always mean both when it came to Lana.

Lana: Never, in the time she's known him, would she have thought possible to go so long without so much as a word to him. She was in a bind, the vines constricting every time she tried to stray further away from the path life seemed to be pushing her on – towards Noah. Always towards Noah. She hated that it was conspiring against her, holding onto him, keeping him so entirely cemented in her; every part of her ached for his presence, and as much as she wanted to just reach out to touch him... she couldn't. Because she wasn't sure if she had forgiven him yet, if she could forgive him. Lana knew he hadn't any real option when he sauntered up, she made sure that he wouldn't be able to fit himself in beside her; she knew, if he was any closer, she might not be able to keep it up. Then... down he went, onto one knee. She eyed him carefully, being sure not to meet his gaze, completely aware of how disgusting the floor most likely was. There were so many things he could have said, to begin with – an apology would have been preferred, but what he did say happened to catch her off-guard. Pressing her lips together, she formed her own response without saying a word, eyes waning until they finally caught a glimpse of his. Her expression, meaningful, unable to vocalize the rampant thoughts running through her head. Or maybe she could put her thoughts to words, but didn't want to. Weighing up whether she should say something or not, which tipped greatly in spending the evening ignoring him when she first saw him walk in, begun to waver, the weights lifting with each passing moment. Inhaling a deep breath, she closed her eyes slowly, preparing herself to speak, but before she could – "Oh. My God. Proposal!" Her head whipped to the side of her, a tipsy bystander who somehow managed to arrive at the most importune time, where Noah was so gracefully on bended knee. Fortunately for them, most of the other people around them were either too drunk or too interested in themselves to care, and those who were looking, were eager to see what would happen next. She lifted her hands, waving them from side to side in defense, "No, no – no. We're not – he's not – this isn't a –" Unable to find the right manner in correcting him, she shook her head, bringing the palm of her head to her forehead, meeting his eyes once more, and without a word, seeing a familiar expression of amusement on his face, she burst out into laughter.

Noah: Noah liked to think-at this point in their friendship-that he had a pretty good read on Lana; he knew what each of her facial expressions meant, how she often played with her hair without even realizing it, and that those moments during rehearsals and table reads when she clicked her pen excessively meant she was excited, not nervous. And yet, in this instance, Noah searched her features and came up with nothing. Absolutely nothing. He had no idea how she felt now that he was in front of her, now that she had could no longer use her phone as a buffer between them. Her eyes, usually the most expressive thing about her, gave away nothing and he couldn’t help but feel a pang of guilt for extinguishing that light. He missed it. He missed everything about her and the friendship they’d had a mere handful of days ago; crazy how quickly things could be torn down. Her lips twitched as if words were finally going to come but before they could, someone shouted over the music and Noah’s head whipped around to find the source. A group of Barbie doll girls were looking on, pointing and giggling in his direction and it was only then that Noah could get out of his own head enough to see his current situation from an outsider’s perspective: down on one knee, head bent inward in an attempt to better hear the words she wasn’t even saying. “No-it’s not what you think-oh my god...” Embarrassment rose hot on the back of his neck for a moment before Lana burst into laughter and Noah couldn’t help but follow suit. They probably looked absolutely ridiculous and Noah silently thanked the universe for the favorable - if not unforeseen - repercussions of his actions. Laughter was a lovely ice breaker and goddam he had missed hearing that laugh. “Look,” he said once their laughter had died down. “At this point, you have two options: one, say no to this proposal, break my heart, and be the villain in the love story those ladies over there have created in their heads or two, say yes and then we go find a quiet place to really talk this shit out and let them think we’re going to screw each other’s brains out in the bathroom. Your move, LC.”

Lana: Despite it all, she hadn’t many options left in the way of avoiding him or ignoring him. This unplanned and unintended turn of events left her at a standstill, and she bested her options when some drunken idiot proclaimed Noah was proposing – there was no right way to go about things, but as it all unfolded, she considered his proposal carefully. She could spend the rest of her evening, trying to ignore him, battling a fueled desire to be around him... or she could stop being petulant, and actually speak with him. Glancing past him for a moment, searching the crowd for signs of her friends, she caught many of them looking back, expressions of curiosity and encouragement urging her to do something... anything. Finally, she returned her gaze to Noah, tentatively rising from her seat, she held her hand out for him, “Okay, let’s go screw in a bathroom stall somewhere.” Whilst her decision to go off with Noah would appear scandalous to those who didn’t know any better – much like the bystanders that were bold to assume that they were engaged. Jesus Christ, she was too young to start thinking about it. It was a familiar, welcome sensation have his hand in hers again. Something she hadn’t realized she’d been missing, until they were right in this moment. It was obvious that Lana was leading them through the crowd, towards the empty booths that resided beyond a certain area of the club – it was where people went for privacy, and in many cases... a popular hook-up spot for those who sought discretion. Not that that was what was going to happen between her and Noah – not at all. Once she was satisfied that nobody would bother them, she detached herself from her best friend, arms crossed firmly over her chest, looking him dead-set in his eyes. Her expression holding a hint of hostility, a sigh on her lips, “Well?”

Noah: Returning to a full standing position, Noah held out a hand in an effort to help Lana to her feet. The moment their hands touched, he felt that surge of electricity again, the same thing he’d felt slow dancing in her Vancouver apartment that night and his suspicions were confirmed: no amount of distance nor time would be changing how he felt about her. Noah followed her lead and allowed the tiny actress to pull him through the crowded dance floor, past his friends - none of whom give two shits what was happening with him. Once the duo ducked behind a curtain and into a private cabana-like lounge room, he released Lana’s hand, the nagging thought that he was the last person she probably wanted touching her gnawing at his heart. She wasted no time in jumping right into this new battle, one being fought face-to-face, the first of it’s kind in this war they’d crafted. Her arms crossed across her body like a shield as if she was preparing herself for the damage he was about to cause, trying to steady herself against the gale force winds that were his words. Well? Well what? What was he suppose to say? Repeat the things he’d left on her voicemail? If she’d listened to any of them, she showed no indication. “Well...I’m sorry. I’m really sorry for what happened. Sorry that I got drunk and texted you those things. It was bullshit. I was just looking for any excuse to get a reaction out of you and I used the easiest route which was that garbage about Anthony. It was a fucked up move. I know that. And I’ve spent the last two weeks hating myself for fucking everything up between us.” That seemed to be a tidy little summary of fourteen ignored voicemails. His brown eyes never left hers, flicking back and forth, desperate in his search to find even the smallest glimmer of hope for moving past this. So far? Nothing.

Lana: A heavy sensation fell over her heart – remnants of the pain she’d ruminated in for the last two weeks began to make themselves known, clawing at every bit that cared for him... clawing at every single inch of her. She knew love, and she knew what wanting someone could do to her, but there was nothing like what she felt for Noah. There was no way to describe how she felt – and for him to throw it back in her face truly cut deep. As she stood there, each word spilling from him and at her feet, waiting for her to pick them up and untie the binds that kept him at a distance. Her breathing was hollow, her eyes softening, the arms crossed slump slightly. God, she wished he didn’t make her so weak at the knees. Swallowing thick, Lana bit down on her bottom lip, her voice soft, struggling to find strength in this moment: “You hurt me, Noah.” Boy, did he hurt her. Shaking her head, she sucked in her bottom lip, “You said cruel things and then went –“ A pause, recalling the image she had in her head of Noah being with some tall and beautiful woman, “Went and slept with somebody that...” She couldn’t tell him that she had been jealous, or that she wanted him to want her. The distant pounding of the club’s music sifted through the tense air that danced between them, holding her hostage from turning around and leaving him without a word. A sigh left her lips in a hurry, and she glanced past him for a moment, unable to meet his gaze, “You hurt me, and I hated that you could hurt me like that – you... were meant to be the guy. My guy.”

Noah: Noah peered down at Lana as she spoke, one hand running nervously through his mess of wavy brown locks. “Went and slept with somebody that...” Is that what this was truly all about? Was this the true root of the reason that she was so unbelievably upset? He secretly hoped so because this issue had a very easy fix. “I didn’t sleep with that girl that night.” His statement hung in the space between them for a beat, tiny words coming together to form one giant confession. “I - look, I went back to her place and I just...I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it.” I couldn’t do it because she wasn’t you. I didn’t want to do it because she wasn’t you.Noah tried his damndest to allow Lana to search his eyes; hopefully they would prove to her that he was telling the truth and not just trying to talk his way out of this mess. Her final few words fell from her lips, leaving Noah stunned into silence. The guy. My guy. What?! What did that mean? Did she mean that in the same way she’d always meant it? As her guy that wasn’t actually her guy? Or did she mean it in a real way, a new way, a way that she’d never before applied to him? “I never wanted to hurt you. Never ever. Everything got so fucked up so quick. You’re the last person in the world that I would ever want to hurt, Lana. If you don’t believe anything else I say, you gotta believe that.”While she had previously done an excellent job at avoiding his gaze, he caught her, their eyes locking as if seeing each other for the very first time. “I love you, Lans. I’m sorry for hurting you.” The tension between them was still palpable but it was shifting - at least a piece of it was. He could feel his heart begin to race the way it had in the moments before his last failed attempt at revealing his feelings. It felt like he had just finished sprinting a four minute mile; if he didn’t move soon, his heart would burst. A large step toward and large hands were gripping slender shoulders, lips meeting with an utterly insatiable hunger. He pulled her against him - an instinct - as their kiss deepened. Finally, for the first time in weeks, he was able to shut his brain off and move on autopilot, finally giving into the temptation he’d stood so firmly against for so long. And it felt so damn good.

Lana: There were not enough words to explain how she felt, beneath all the hurt and anger she’d subjected herself to over the last two weeks. Fingers clamped and unwound themselves, brown eyes reading everything his mouth wasn’t saying. Leaving her breathless, from relenting on the green-eyed monster that had plagued her, to the sudden rush of liberation from hearing his truth, only allowing herself to know one side... her own. That didn’t change the fact that he had said something cruel – something he couldn’t take back, even if he tried. His apology brought on a new concoction of emotions; I love you, Lans. I’m sorry for hurting you. Her hands searched the dimly lit booth for his, taking them into hers. No hesitation, just knowing he was there, meaning every single word. Lana wished she could say that hearing him tell her he loved her – even if it wasn’t in the way she hoped... he loved her, nonetheless. She couldn’t ignore the sincerest of expressions on his face, her affection and love for him winning out over her stubbornness. With a small smile, “I believe you, Noah. And more than anything,” she paused, her shoulders lifting into a shrug, “I love you too much to pretend that I didn’t miss you, because I did.” Before anything else could be said, he caught her by surprise. His lips, met with hers. Instead of fighting it, she gave in far too willingly to him. Finding sense, without losing herself entirely to him, she pulled away, keeping him at arm’s length. “Noah,” she gasped, rather breathless. Her gaze explored his face, trying to justify why this shouldn’t be happening. Find some rationality; but there was none to be had... not right now. Fighting the better part of her judgement, “Oh, screw it.” She immediately threw her hands over his shoulders, and reignited a flame that she thought would disappear, but it was persistent. Her light was Noah wasn’t going anywhere. Lips pressing against his, everything she could... she wanted to give him. Lana’s small frame fitting easily with his.

Noah: The fact that Noah entered that roped off VIP room with a best-friend-turned-enemy and was about to leave it having not only mended their broken friendship but taken it to a whole other level was laughable. Not laughable in a ‘ha ha that’s funny’ sort of way but in a way that used laughter to express how completely unforeseen life could sometimes be. Never in a million years did the young actor think this was how his night would turn out but he couldn’t truthfully say he was mad about it. From his spot on the sleek white leather couch, he watched Lana’s figure redress in the darkness of their secluded hideout. In the aftermath of their impulsive exploit, there lingered the smallest amount of awkwardness; now that they’d made up, normalcy was meant to set back in. But they’d gone ahead and once again changed the landscape of their friendship leaving new terrain to navigate. “Well...” Noah said, breaking the quiet as he rebuttoned his jeans. “That just happened.” Using humor to break up a potential uncomfortable situation? Classic Noah. He shot Lana a soft smile, unsure if he was supposed to lean in and kiss her, despite wanting to. As happy as he was, the uncertainty of what this meant for their future held him back from fully savoring the moment. He was set to leave for Berlin in a matter of days to start filming his new movie; to say this new development came at an inopportune time was an understatement. “Any regrets?”

Lana: Lana had flown into LA with every intention of leaving without Noah knowing a single thing – there was no plan to follow, but a clear path that didn’t include him. However, her path changed and manifested until it brought her straight to him. It was on a path that she couldn’t have predicted. What. Just. Happened?! No one could have anticipated that the evening would have unfolded the way it did – when she agreed to talk with him, it was a chance to mend what was broken between them, move on and have her friend back. Instead, she found herself losing all inhibition and letting their bodies do the talking, now shimmying back into her skirt, her sheer bralette peaking through the top of her blouse. She eyed Noah clinically. She wanted to know what was running through his mind. Her lips pressed together, worried lines appearing along her forehead. His voice drew her out of her own reveling, eyes searching for his through the dark space. With a small smile of her own, she leaned her head back against the couch. “When I said we should go screw each other in a bathroom stall, I didn’t mean it literally,” her voice soft and teasing, before her previous tentativeness returned to her features. She was tiptoeing around it. Did she have any regrets? Fuck no. She was more concerned on whether he had any regrets. Shaking her head, she gave a little smile, “No... no regrets.” She glanced down, afraid to hear what he might say. Where did they go from here? Did they simply go back to being best friends and act like this had never happened? Lana barely understood what had just transpired between them, and couldn’t imagine what could happen next. Pursing her lips, she touted from side to side. Hesitation in her voice, “Do you have any regrets?”

Noah: Noah let out a small laugh at her reference to a comment made what felt like hours ago, the tension momentarily dispersing. He would have given anything in this moment to know what she was thinking and feel how she was feeling. “So many. Aaaaall the regrets.” After pulling his dark grey shirt back onto his body, Noah found Lana’s eyes in the darkness, her slightly furrowed brow and tightly drawn lips making it clear his joke wasn’t landing. Reaching out, Noah took both her hands in his, twisting his body until he could face her head on, his left leg bent out to the side in the space between them with his knee pressed gently against the back cushion of the couch. “No. No regrets at all,” he said, reassuring her with a tight squeeze of her hands in his. “How could I possibly regret doing that? Look at you. I mean...goddam. Total smoke show.” He hoped his words would put both their minds at ease but they probably wouldn’t; life was too complicated sometimes. He released her hands before saying, “Look, I need you to know that this--” he motioned back and forth in the space between them. “Wasn’t part of my plan. I didn’t come here tonight with this being a - a goal or anything. I don’t want you thinking that it was or feeling taken advantage of or anything like that. I hope you don’t, anyway.” He swallowed hard as if trying to force back down the next part of the conversation that needed to be had. “But...I need to be honest with you. News is going to break in the next few days that I got a role in a Charlie’s Angels reboot and filming starts next week...in Berlin.” Unsure of how she would react, Noah found himself holding his breath, anxiety building beneath his skin. If their actions tonight and the timing of it all caused him to lose her again, just when he got her back, he would hate himself. “So...I don’t really know how we’re supposed to proceed from here. Or what this all means for us.”

Lana: When Lana imagined her first time with Noah, in any scenario, she never imagined it'd be in some private booth in a dark LA nightclub – but the truth of the matter was, it was almost perfect. It was infinitely better than her imagination, and by God, she hoped she wasn't holding onto some semblance of fantasy when he was right there. With a sigh, Lana held her head against his chest, shielding her face from his view. His words... his reassurance painting a smile on a rather solemn expression. She couldn't quite find the right words. He had no regrets and that meant something. Finally, after a moment's deliberation, he uttered his next project which would have him flying halfway across the world – bringing her attention upwards, her dark eyes met his once more, searching for an answer – anything that wouldn't have her feel like that this was a last hurrah before he disappeared on her. No, that's not what was happening. He was sitting there, being open and honest. He was telling her what she deserved to hear. She couldn't forget that. "You're... going to Berlin?" Her voice is surprised, a hint of pride evident. Of course she was proud of him. She wanted him to succeed, because of who he was and the talent that coursed through his veins. Her eyes told him nothing, that is until her hands come to rest on either side of his face. A smile, small at first, growing as she spoke, "Noah – this is amazing. I am so proud of you, and –" Well, she had no clue what any of it meant for them either. This wasn't part of the plan. None of this was – neither of them knew what was going to happen, nor what wold happen next, except that it was happening, and they had to make it work. However that may be. Rubbing her thumb over his right cheek, she scrunched her face and lifted her shoulders into a small shrug. "I don't know, either, but... maybe this doesn't have to be the be-all or end-all for us. I know I love having you as my best friend, and I know that I really liked what just happened... maybe we can just... say that this happened, and we can figure it out later?"

Noah: A sense of sheer relief overcame him as Lana’s features broke from blank to pride, his own lips spreading into a wide grin as she vocalized her approval. “I’m so fucking stoked and it feels amazing to actually tell someone. It feels good to tell *you*. You were the first call I wanted to make when my agent called but...y’know...” Noah nodded slowly as she continued her thoughts. “I don’t want this to be the end for us. That’s the last thing I want. But I also don’t want anything to fuck up our friendship. I can’t lose you again, Lans. So let’s go outside, dance like psychos, and figure the other shit out later.” Lana was probably the only girl who wouldn’t make this into a huge deal; reason #1023982 why he adored this chick so goddam much. “But if **this** happens again in the not-too-far-off future, I wouldn’t be mad about it. Just fyi.” Standing, he extended a hand. “Dance with me, LC. Let’s go let everyone know World War III is officially over by grinding all over each other.” After she placed her hand in his, he looped his arm around her shoulders, anchoring their bodies together as they rejoined the rest of their fellow club-goers, their entwined hands on full display.

#p — lana condor.#p — late to the party.

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missmyloko · 6 years

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What’s In a Dance? Part 4

Since it’s currently erikae season I figured that this dance would be appropriate to cover ^^

Kurokami (黒髪) - Black Hair

Image courtesy of Prado9991 on Instagram. An interesting and passionate song that marks the end of a maiko’s apprenticeship and her first foray into the adult world.

Lyrics

Kurokami no musuboretaru omoi wo ba, 黒髪の結惚れたる思いをば, I let down my black hair, Toke te neta yo no makura koso, 解けて寝た夜の枕こそ, On the pillow that we shared on that evening, Hitori nuru yo no ada makura, 独り寝る夜の仇枕, On this pillow I now sleep alone, Sode wa katashiku tsuma ja to iu te, 袖は片敷く妻じゃと云うて, These sleeves separate me from being a wife, Guchina onago no kokoro to shira de, 愚痴な女子の心と知らで, My female heart and wisdom lament, Shin to fuketaru kane no koe, しんと更けたる鐘の声, I am lost in the sound of a bell, Yūbe no yume no kesasame te, 夕べの夢の今朝覚めて, In the morning I wake up from last night’s dream, Yukashi, natsukashi, yaruse na ya, ゆかし,懐かし,やるせなや, Nostalgic, longing, and helpless, Tsumoru to shira de tsumoru shirayuki. 積もると知らで積もる白雪. My feelings accumulate like the piling white snow.

The Breakdown

This is a very difficult song to translate well as it’s almost as much about what isn’t said as what is. The entire story behind the song is that a courtesan is thinking about the time that she spent with her lover, but because he is not with her she must sleep alone. One of the biggest things to take note of are how the entire song flips from one set of imagery to its opposite. The first line in the song, Kurokami, means “black hair” while the last line, Shiroyuki, means “white snow.” You can also find this song under the title of “Jet Black Hair” but I kept it as “Black Hair” since that is the literal translation of the song. This song is performed by maiko while they wear the sakkō hairstyle and for a week after they’ve become geiko. However, it can be performed outside of these constraints if the dance school allows it, like during Onshūkai of this year.

Each Kagai’s Version

Gion Kobu (祇園甲部) Version - Inoue School (井上流) For this version I chose a geiko performing it rather than a maiko as the maiko version is very common but a geiko’s is not. The Inoue school is known for their small gestures, and this example is no exception. The most dynamic movement occurs during the time of lamentation where the dancer performs the slide on the ground (thinking about the pillow) and then the swish of the sleeves that’s followed by a punctuating stomp. The Inoue style has the most commonly seen “iconic” poses of the dance too, like in the image above. This version is performed by Kosen (小扇) of Hiroshimaya (廣島屋). Pontocho (先斗町) Version - Onoe School (尾上流) Don’t ask me why, but the Onoe versions of dances are always the hardest to find. For this example I could only find a short clip, but it’s performed by a geiko and accompanied by a full traditional orchestra of shakuhachi, shinobue, and shamisen players! It is one of two styles that uses a mai ōgi, and I think it looks absolutely beautiful. This version is performed by Ichiemi (市笑) of Tanmika (丹美賀). Kamishichiken (上七軒) Version - Hanayagi School (花柳流) The slowest of the five versions, it uses the Hanayagi style’s characteristic “frozen” pose style to great effect to punctuate the emotion of the song. There’s something about seeing it performed while wearing a colorful iromontsuki that makes it feel more “real” (if that makes any sense). Unlike the others, the Hanayagi version does not have the section of the dance where the song is not sung. This version is performed by Katsune (勝音) of Daimonji (大文字). Miyagawa Cho (宮川町) Version - Wakayagi School (若柳流) You’d figure that the Wakayagi version would be one of the more dynamic versions, but it’s actually very similar to the Inoue style and far slower than what you’d expect from this style. Unlike the other versions, this one of the styles uses a mai ōgi, which only serves to make an already elegant dance even more refined! This version is performed by Korin (小凛) of Kaden (花傳). Gion Higashi (祇園東) Version - Fujima School (藤間流) The Fujima version is much more lively than most in that it has far more hand gestures and poses with sleeves that lead the viewer’s eye around in its enchanting course. This version is performed by Miharu (美晴) of Okatome (岡とめ). __________________________________________________________________

The lyrics provided were translated by myself and gathered from multiple sources; I began with a set that a friend had listed, compared it to two other sets (this was one of them), and figured out which made the most sense when written out as some versions just wrote the hiragana versions of a few kanji and it made the meanings a bit more ambiguous to people who are not fluent in Japanese. In the original version some older forms of common kanji were used so I updated them as this may also confuse people.

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zoanthropic-army · 3 years

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Rebranding? My Tumblr preamble.

Wah. What type of blog is this??? At first it was my place to be myself and talk about my zoanthropy (looking it up makes it sound terrible, I'm just a homo sapien with random animalistic behavior) I wrote about it in the form of ashort short stories and I thought it was a cool new way to express myself. Then I got self conscious about what people may think if they came across my blog. And so after 2 zoanthropic posts the light inside me went out, the blog forgotten.

Bring in the best thing that ever happened to me.

Years later (2018) I discovered happiness and really living through finding BTS. Everything changed so fast and I had to express my feelings and love for these people on every platform possible. I joined Twitter, got Instagram and even updated both my Facebook pages (don't know why I have 2, I barely use the other) and of course i remembered my Tumblr; frozen in time as 2 wierd post and a bunch of reblogs. The blog was redesigned and the appropriate tags were followed. It came to life and color with pictures/post of the boys but something still didn't sit right with me.

The blog had no true purpose even with all the rebloging I did. In thus, I found myself still not actively using the blog the way I wanted to. [To cut this short so I don't ramble on forever...] I've decided to change this for 2021 and myself. I'm gonna try my absolute hardest to come here and blog about whatever I want and not fear what other people think. Especially when I know I don't care. This is a special place and its time I embrace it fully 😌

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news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog · 6 years

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'Disobedience' has some of the most realistic lesbian sex scenes, uh, ever

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Whether you're a queer person aching for representation or a straight human looking for a good time, we are all searching for the same thing in life: quality lesbian sex scenes.

Historically, they've been excruciatingly hard to find. That's why it's delightful to see newly-released indie drama Disobedience get it mostly right. Neither a heteronormative pornographic fantasy nor a dry, anthropological account, Disobedience manages to depict queer sex without exploiting the actors performing it.

Bonus: It's super hot.

SEE ALSO: Instagram's Queer Appalachia brings love — and services — to those who need it most

Ever since Director Sebastián Lelio's Disobedience premiered at TIFF in 2017, it's been the talk of the town among the five queer women who care about this kind of stuff. The film tells story of Orthodox Jewish lesbians in London: Esti (Rachel McAdams) caught in a loveless relationship with a Rabbi, and Ronit (Rachel Weisz) trapped in a series of meaningless heterosexual hookups.

Besides being a genuinely considerate movie with some thoughtful meditations on religion and culture, it has the added thrill of having super erotic sex scenes, made possible because:

1. The director didn't exploit his actresses (see Autostraddle's interview with Rachel Weisz).

2. It's a forbidden love that takes place in a confined setting where people wear lots of uniforms.

3. There's actual build-up, it's not just straight porn.

4. The two characters actually seem like each other (gulp!).

5. They execute realistic sex positions that normal, sexual non-Olympians are capable of performing.

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This seems like it shouldn't be a victory. And yet, the list of movies who've accomplished the same feat is painfully abbreviated. Don't talk to me about Blue is the Warmest Color, a movie made famous for its extended, impractical sex scenes and allegations of harassment by its director, Abdellatif Kechiche. Kechiche reportedly bullied the two female protagonists as well as his staff, forcing them to work 16-hour workdays under extreme pressure. Critics further accused the director of creating "voyeuristic" sex scenes intended to solicit the male gaze.

As a queer woman myself, I was mostly concerned that the two female characters ate a whole plate of spaghetti without brushing their teeth before commencing intercourse.

There are a few others that make the cut. Todd Haynes' Carol featured delightfully melodramatic and nostalgic rich lesbian sex scenes, but the scenes were brief in duration, and what they had in quality they lost in quantity. Repression-era sex scenes are the best kind of sex scenes. We demand more.

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1985's Desert Hearts was one of the first majorish films to feature lesbian sex, uh, ever. Bound (1996), the story of a hot ex con lesbian plummer, had some of the hottest lesbian sex scenes in lesbian sex scene history. Still, the chances of people watching this movie who aren't Xennial queers, Gen-X lesbians, or currently taking a feminist film theory class are, approximately, zero.

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I'm not about to put Kissing Jessica Stein in this category, because it's too weak of a queer film to be even considered. There's also Mulholland Drive, which had some very brief hot queer moments relative to its era (2001). Heavenly Creatures (1994) served the queer goth community particularly well. Sadly, that community is relatively small.

So kudos to Disobedience for really taking the time to mediate on how queer women have sex. The scene clocks in at about eight minutes and never once gets banal — it even throws in a complimentary spit swap.

Here's what Weisz told queer women's media publication Autostraddle about the film:

As am I. Representation always matters, whether it's in the Halls of Congress or at your local independent theater. Queer women deserve to have their queer female sex represented on screen, without it devolving into typical pornographic tropes: shaved vaginas, sorority sisters, giant jiggly boobs, foot-long dildos, scissoring, a well-hung neighbor guy who just "pops in" for a threesome, etc. There's absolutely nothing wrong with any of these erotic ingredients, per se, but it's formulaic and not particularly representational of most queer sex.

If America truly cares about lesbian sex (which it definitely does, as most porn sites, queer women, and even straight women will tell you) it should do a better job of representing it on screen.

Disobedience has come a long way from its queer cinematic origins, and we still have so far to go.

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WATCH: Artistic cycling is one of the weirdest and hardest sports you probably didn't even know existed

#_author:Heather Dockray #_uuid:6dfc474e-880f-33f3-b91e-91dee8385fc2 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_revsp:news.mashable

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notjustagirltattoopodcast · 4 years

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Not Just A Girl: Dark Art of Sunshine

You can listen to the seventh episode with Tahlia Undarlegt here. Or you can find this interview on YouTube with English subtitles/closed captions here.

NOT JUST A GIRL: Tattoo Podcast

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT

Season 1, Episode 7: Dark Art of Sunshine

Eddy: Hello, friends and welcome to Not Just A Girl your favorite feminist tattoo podcast. I'm Eddy and I'm back to share with you the thoughts and experiences of some of my favorite people in tattooing. On the seventh episode, we'll be chatting about the social perception of tattoos, being a traveling tattooer and then settling down into a new and slower way of life.Before we begin, I would like to acknowledge the Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people who are the traditional custodians of this land that was stolen and never ceded. I am honored and grateful to be on the ancestral land of the Awabakal people. And I pay my respects to the Elders past and present and extend that recognition to their descendant.Today I am so happy to be joined by one of my dear friends Tahlia Undarlegt. Tahlia works at Great White Tattoo in Sydney. Um, and she is known for her unique psychedelic black work. Um, I actually met Tahlia in Melbourne at a convention before she started her apprenticeship and it's been such a joy to watch her grow and to watch her journey through tattooing. Um, she really is an absolute ray of sunshine and I'm so lucky to know her. Thank you so much for joining me today and for being part of the podcast, I'm so excited to chat to you. Tahlia: Thank you for having me this is awesome. Eddy: Um, I've seen heaps on your Instagram stories about all the little things you've been up to at the farm. Um, you know, you seem to really be using this time to connect with nature again. What has that been like for you? Tahlia: Um, it's been really lovely. I mean, like we, like my partner and I, we live part time in the city when we work and then part time here at the farm. So we've just kind of like gotten months worth of stuff done because we usually do two, three days a week down here. Uh, we've got, uh, like a fully sustainable veggie garden and like a big, like, we had some fermenting going with some different foods, but we wanted to get some other stuff done. So we've built ourselves, a chicken coop, but we have chickens and we've been doing like, um, other stuff like the gardens going nuts and lots of animals. Just typical farmer Joe stuff.Eddy: So many animals like the cats. The cats are such angels. Tahlia: Yes. I love those guys. Eddy: And you've been doing heaps of like foraging and hiking and stuff as well. Has that helped you get through the lockdown? Tahlia: Um, yeah, like we're very lucky. I mean, like we have a giant gorge behind our house and you can like hike down and, you know, there's all kinds of stuff down there. Like you can just, I've been. Looking into a lot more like, um, IDing, different like native plants and stuff, just to be able to kind of work out what's what, a bit more and like, you know, realizing how much like edible and like sustainable kind of things that we can get from around here. I mean, like I'm a big nerd for mushrooms. Like I really love just like, I just think like fungus in general is really interesting. Um, like, I mean, if you look at my work, you'd see in itself, like I'm very inspired by it, but it's kind of fun to finally have enough time to look into it enough to ID stuff to be able to take home and eat and not die from it. So that's good. Eddy: I mean, that's always a bonus for sure. And um like, obviously your love of nature and mushrooms in particular is really prevalent in your work and the way you use organic shapes. Like, do you think that'll continue to be a big part of your work moving forward after COVID? Tahlia: Um, definitely like, I think, um, you know, having more time to kind of have my hands in the dirt and not so much on the machines has been like a real nice kind of relief. Like, um, I don't know, like, there's just, it's always been prevalent in my work, but I suppose, like I've learned a lot more, therefore I've gained a lot more inspiration because, you know, I know a lot more plants and different like stuff now that it's like photographic memory that, you know, when I bring it in, um, I don't know, just anytime you do something it influences your work, I don't think it, it can't not influence it.Eddy: Yeah, I guess your work is just like an extension of yourself really and that's why it's so unique. Tahlia: Yeah. Just like an amalgamation of everything you find really cool and interesting. Eddy: I do love that about your work as well, because it is like, it's so unique and it's so instantly recognizable and it, it really does carry a lot of that joy and like fun that I see in you.Tahlia: Well, thank you. Um, like I, I try my hardest to do that, um, I really like, just like off that, like question that you said, like personally, like when I, like I've often been told I'm way too connected to like the tattoos that I do. And I don't know, like, I think that's a good thing and sometimes a bad thing as well, but, um, I do really love to meet my clients and like, kind of have a rough idea of what I'm going to do for them, or even like, when I email with them, I really love to kind of get an idea of like what they're into, what their kind of vibe is. And, you know, I like, if I can, when I create something kind of, you know, sometimes you don't realize like for me, with like, I suppose I can bring an idea that someone can speak out. I can draw her out, whereas like, you know, the other way round, like, I, I can't always like articulate myself as well, but I can definitely like show it in a different way. So I like in myself, I always want to try and bring that for other people so that, you know, when they get it, it's really something that's like, special to them.Eddy: Yeah. That's so nice. And it's so important to be able to use like the language of tattooing to express who the client is. Cause then they're going to live with that tattoo much more harmoniously throughout their life.Tahlia: Yeah, definitely. I mean like, um, like for anyone I think like, like everybody does it for a different reason, I suppose, but like personally for myself. I feel like there's so much kind of going on inside of you, that you just want to be like project that onto the world. And it's really nice to be able to kind of put that on you and be like, Hey world, you know, this is me. Like here's what I'm about, you know? And like, it's a good opener for like other people as well, you know, because you meet other people and you kind of see a little bit more about what they're about. And I mean, I'm not even just talking about tattoos, just like in any kind of like modification, whether it's the way you color or cut your hair or the clothes you decide to wear, you know, like you're obviously putting out something that you want to portray to the world, which is like really cool to be able to you know, solidify. I can internalise that for somebody, you know, like you just kind of be like, Oh, okay, this is your vibe. And being able to create something that maybe they couldn't like envision is really cool. You know and you see somebody look in the mirror and you're just like, I mean, I've done it myself, millions of times, like, you know, you get a new tattoo and all of a sudden you're walking past a mirror and you're like yeah who's that like feeling really cool, like that. It's like, you just love. You're just like, wow, this tattoo is way too cool for me and then... come to you. And you're like, yeah this is me. Eddy: You feel so much more in love with yourself and your body. And like you walk past a shop window and you check your self out and make sure you get a glimpse of the tattoo Tahlia: And all of a sudden you're buying clothes so that it sits like to suit a certain tattoo that you've got. You're like, I remember the first time I started my sleeve, I don't think I wore a single sleeve for like two years after that like. Eddy: I used to um like, Oh, I'm wearing a higher neck shirt now, but I never, ever used to expose my chest or cleavage at all. And then when I got my chest tattooed, I was like, I'm going to undo my buttons. I'm going to stop wearing like my buttons done all the way up. I'm going to start buying plunging neck lines. I just want this like to be on display because it's so beautiful. Tahlia: Yeah. I mean, like one of the ladies that I learnt tattoo off, uh, her name was Ela Pour, Berlin. Um, and also another girl I worked with Laura um, she had this like beautiful tattoo kind of coming around like her, like inner thigh kind of area. And she just like whenever she was, when we'd go to the beach or something, I always look and I'd be like, wow, she's so beautiful. And like, I remember her and Ela telling me like, they're like, Oh, you know, you can dress like that. And I was like, Oh, I can't, you know, like my inner thighs are too fat. You know, like when you're a bit younger, you feel like, like really like self conscious about stuff like that.And I remember them saying, well, just find something you love and tattoo it there and you'll never feel like that conscious about it. I remember we were traveling through Mexico with a friend of ours ...and, um, she was like, let's just tattoo some, like something that you love. So I had to, I got her to tattoo some lavender coming out of there. Like now, whenever I like slight if I've ever felt slightly self conscious about it, I'm kind of like, well I got a sick tattoo there so it doesn't really matter. I've, haven't worn shorts to the beach in a long time, which is like, I think, you know, personally for me, that's something I find really amazing about, you know, what we get to do and that we get to like, collect that ourselves. Eddy: Yeah. It's such a powerful way to express self-love and like self ownership. It's so beautiful. Tahlia: Yeah. I mean, it's like pretty much like reclaiming what was already in there, you know? Like, and, and I think sometimes like this can be a little bit misconstrued. Like sometimes people said to me, Oh, did you not love yourself? Like, how come you did that? You know, why didn't you just go to therapy or something? And it's like, well, I think like any kind of mental health I would say, you know, therapy is definitely great and I've been through therapy myself, you know, like, and I think that like, it's just like, like you were saying, it's like reclaiming that, you know, like it's not that you had something missing and this filled the void. It's that, like, you had something that you couldn't express and now all of a sudden like it's like this inner goodness in yourself, you're able to kind of project out and you know, it just adds a, like a, an extra shield of like confidence and like light for yourself.Eddy: Yeah. And that's another form of language too, because you know what we do to our bodies and how we shape them, it helps attract a certain kind of people to us. I feel like, you know, in the tattoo community, part of why we band together is because we look at each other and see something common in each other. Tahlia: Definitely. And like, I think that's something that's so like hyper special about the tattoo industry is it's kind of like um, and I say this in like a good term, like, it's like a bunch of wierdos, we're all completely different. We're all kind of slightly outcast. We don't really have a place, but we have this one thing that bonds us together. And, you know, even like our friendship, you know, there's like so many things that make us different to each other, but then, you know, there's like this connection of that. And like, you know, just like. Just, you know, our personalities, you know, you just love each other, you know, you're just like, wow, these people are awesome. These are my people. We might not be the same, but we're just a bunch of weirdos kind of hanging out. Eddy: It's so good because you know, you start a conversation through tattooing and then you form relationships and you get to know people and just that diversity and, and like learning to accept and love people so different to you. It makes you such a better person. And I feel like it makes your work better too. Tahlia: Yeah, definitely. I mean, like you learn different like views and like different things in life that you can kind of like take from each other and like learn from each other. Like that's, that's amazing. Eddy: It's so good. Well, you, um, you mentioned before about traveling, you've traveled so much in your career and even like from the get go from when you first started tattooing, like where has that taken you in the world?Tahlia: Um, I mean, like I've been so, so lucky to be able to travel as much as I can. Um, even like, you know, how I've kind of gotten into tattooing from that like it kind of started as a bit of the creative journey. Like I remember years ago when I used to hang out in tattoo studios, hang out with like, Um, some like friends of mine that, you know, we had a lot of creative endeavors that we'd kind of do together. And I remember this old tattooer, uh, like said to me, like, you need to leave, you need to travel as much as you can. And like, he was kind of saying like, you know, this is the future of tattooing, you know, going out and like, as time went on, I'm like, you know, and I traveled a lot and I got influenced by different things. Like I also saw, I mean, cause especially in Australia with such like a tight knit tattoo community and like, we also like because of our like government suppressing kind of our indigenous culture. We don't have a lot of culture here. You know, we're like an amalgamation of our immigrants and like people that have kind of bought little bits here and there, but it's all been kind of watered down over time, you know?And then you go to somewhere, like when I lived in Mexico, there's just such a, a vibrant culture. And like that influences the artwork of... people, which then influences like the tattoo culture, you know, and you see like you go there and you go to a place and you bring something back that you like took and then, you know, like all that you learnt from people and then, you know, you show other people and then they take it. And the coolest thing about that is like, every time you see you know, a friend of yours or another tattoo artist, they go overseas they learn something and they take something back, they bring it back here and then other people are like, wow, that's so cool. You know, like, and then they take their own spin on it. And then that kind of like grows into something even bigger and better. And then, you know, like even like in, in Sydney, like in New South Wales, we recently had a, um, Japanese art exhibition at the, um, the museum. Eddy: That was amazingTahlia: Yeah. It's like a lot of artists, like a lot of tattoo artists went there and like all of a sudden you seeing all this really wacky cool, inspired like artwork because obviously everybody's gone they're like whoa, how did I miss this? How did I not see this? Or think of this, you know? And everybody's creating their own versions of it. Eddy: YeahTahlia: And I mean, you know, especially like, you know, it's just, I don't know. It's just really cool to see, like that's how art kind of progresses and grows you know. And I like becomes its own like things of everything.Eddy: That's such an important part of tattoo history as well. Like that's how we came to know tattooing through traveling. And obviously colonialism is not in any way, shape or form a good thing at all and it's been toxic, but you know, the, the one good thing, I guess for us is that it did bring tattooing to the Western world and the fact that we continue to travel and sample from different cultures and share ideas and perspectives with each other is what makes tattooing so diverse now.Tahlia: Yeah, definitely. And the amount of times you've kind of like you've had this small snippet of something and somebody is doing something so amazing. And then you go to a place and you realize that they were just this tiny, like subculture of a giant, like main culture of an area, you know, and you just kind of like, wow, this is so cool. Like, I mean, sometimes especially like if I'm feeling a little bit like, um, you know, like stuck for, you know, what kind of creative direction. Cause I mean, personally myself, I always feel like I need to be doing and creating something off there and you know, like growing in some kind of way. And I always find, you know, going back into something all are looking at maybe like a, a culture that you didn't like that you didn't know that much about, you know, and you go back through and you're like, Whoa, like this is insane, you know? Like, and then in yourself I feel like, how the hell is this not like, what's big right now. Like how come, like, everybody doesn't know about this. Like I've watched like, um, I mean, not that I would ever like use anything from there, but like a, a real sacred culture is like the Inuit culture. I mean, in like, um, the Northern parts of America and Alaska and that, and obviously there that we're using like the I think it's like the seal fat. I watched like a documentary on it and they do the threading with the tattoos and it was just amazing. Like it's such a lost culture and it was just like watching that. And I was like, how come? Like nobody. Okay. And I was talking to people about it at the studio the next day. And everybody was like, nah, I didn't know what you talking about. And I was like, Oh, you got to go watch this. Like, it's, it's amazing. You know, now all I think about, I just want to go there and I want to meet this young girl that I watched on this documentary. And I just want to be like, Oh my gosh, like, how do you do this? Not, not even like for myself, but I just, I want to know the history of it. It's, it's amazing. You know, like, and also that was like quite a, like, um, It was like a matriarchal kind of thing. So it was only like really the women that will like, so it's like a coming of age thing as well, which is also really amazing. So just that so Eddy: I feel like that's really rare in like tattoo history, because I guess, you know, our knowledge of tattoo history has been in predominantly patriarchal societies. So finding out about the Inuit tattooing is so amazing. Tahlia: Yeah. And I mean, like also don't take like any of my information as like proper information. I'm so bad at relaying. Like for anyone that is... look it up yourself, you'll learn so much.Eddy: Yeah, I'm, I'm really bad at remembering historical stuff. I'm very fascinated by history. I read a lot and watch a lot, but my brains a pudding and I have no recall whatsoever. Tahlia: I think I just get so excited about what I'm reading that I'm just like, Oh, this is so good. And then I'm trying to tell people and my brains like stuttering it out so.Eddy: But just the excitement that you get over, like reading about another culture or seeing a trick someone uses it doesn't mean that you're necessarily going to use it yourself, but it can inspire just a new way of thinking. And then you adapt that into your work and then it becomes even more unique and more authentic to yourself. Tahlia: I mean, like for sure also there was like, um, when I first started kind of hanging out in tattoo studios and getting to know tattooers and stuff. I remember like these kind of old school guys that I was working for were like, well, there's this process of tattooing and it's this way. And it's that way. And I mean, like, as I've gone on and I've traveled around the world, like all of a sudden you're like meeting these people and they're like, well, no, like, you know, we get told like, you know, you can't tattoo without like, you know, a solid black line around it, but then you're looking at these like old cultures that are just using like, just like a light blue ink or something, you know, it just like, this is just a tiny example of it, but you know, like you you're told that like a certain way is wrong.Like same with like, um, when people say to you like, Oh, you know, Like you'll hear some like old school Trad guys sometimes be like, Oh, you know, it has to be Trad because if it's anything else, it doesn't last, you know, it's like, that's how it tattooing is. That's how it's always been. It's like, well no. Like, you know, if you look back on like certain cultures, actually they were doing a lot of fine line stuff then, or like these cultures would just using like, just colors and not like, you know, they weren't really using like a solid kind of base. I mean, definitely there's the technical application that needs to be like, mastered with stuff like that. Like, I'm not saying that everybody should tattoo without lines, but like, you know, like there's, you know, it's there's stuff that's doable and you know, if you're, if you teach yourself right, like, you know, you can, you can experience and like, kind of break a bit of the, the norms and the barriers of what tattooing kind of should be as well.Eddy: Exactly. It's like, it's important to respect traditions, but also disrupt them like, and to, to push, to push the boundaries and not be gatekeepers. Cause I, you know, I've, I have a, a history of being a little bit gatekeepery with my opinions about what tattooing is and isn't, but then like the older I get and the longer I'm in tattooing, the more I realize that we don't benefit from being that way at all, that the more people push boundaries, the more they try the more they offer different perspectives the better tattooing will be in the long run. Tahlia: I mean like, um, when I first moved to Europe, when I like really properly started tattooing, um, when I was living, I was living in Berlin at the time. Like, um, I mean, Berlin, as anybody who knows anything about Berlin is such a like forefront on like arts and like, you know, different subcultures. I mean, like there was all kinds of, I mean, Surrealistic like abstract kind of stuff going on. And I remember going there and I was just like, what the hell is this? Like I remember before I left Australia years ago and like lived abroad, I remember seeing someone with a blacked out limb and being like, Whoa, that's so extreme. Like, I don't know if I could ever do that. And I mean, Like years later, I was tattooing and I was just like, Holy shit like, I can totally understand why everybody's pushing these weird barriers, you know? And like you meeting people that are just like, well, you know, and you're like, well, no, it's this way. You know? And it has to be like a pretty picture. And like, I remember being told a lot, like. You know, you can't get this because it's not feminine and you can't do that. Like that's too aggressive. I mean, like, does it make me any less of a woman having a black arm? Eddy: No.Tahlia: I don't think so, but you know what I mean? Like, it's just like.Eddy: You still identify a woman, regardless of what tattoos you have. Tahlia: Yeah. Like it doesn't matter what you look like. Or, what’s there? Like if, if you're a woman, you're a woman. Like if that's, what if that's what I am, than I am, you know? Eddy: No one has a right to prescribe anything like that. And yeah, it's like when people say to me, Oh, I really want a tattoo, but it has to be feminine because like, you know, I don't want my parents to judge me and it's just like, well, it doesn't have to be anything. It's just going to be what you like, what imagery do you enjoy? What makes you happy? And you get that because then that's a part of you.Tahlia: Exactly just to come from, like compliment yourself. Eddy: Yeah. That's where it can be difficult as well, knowing where to draw the line technically with tattoos, you know, sometimes people will come to me and say, I want this. And I'll be like, Oh, from a technical point of view, I don't feel comfortable making that to tattoo because I know it's not going to last, however, this person's also got the right to say no, but I want that tattoo because that'll make me feel happy. And then if they've been informed of the possible longterm effects, then yeah. That opens up a whole other that's a whole other kettle of fish though. Tahlia: No, no, no. I mean, I think this is an interesting thing to talk about. Like, I definitely, like I have this a lot, like, um, a lot of my work nowadays has quite like bold lines and solid color. And I have to like often tell people, look, I don't really feel that comfortable making it that small, you know, like, especially with the trend of like micro tattoos and stuff. And this was what I was saying before about like, stuff is not impossible, but technically it has to be done in a certain way. So like, you can't really get a big traditional eagle and make it, this big because I mean, you're going to end up with a blob and I mean, as much as people would say no, no, but that's what I want, that's what I want. I mean, I would love to do that, but I would also hate to think that I would do something that someone would dislike in the future. And I'll be pretty honest with people, you know, because I mean, we've all kind of, especially like. Like as tattoo artists, or if you've been getting tattooed for a very long time, like there's probably stuff you look back on you, like in hindsight, I kind of wish that somebody had kind of guided me a bit better to that, you know?And I mean, I have plenty of tattoos on myself that I got when I was like a little bit of a ratbag when I was younger. And like, when somebody is like, Oh, well, you know, this would be cool and I show them and I'm like, well, this is what it's going to look like now. And they're kind of like, Oh, that's a bit horrible. It's like, yeah, we do have things like laser and that now. But if you're going to be like spending your time, you might as well do the right thing. And I think, like on the subject of that as well, a lot of the time when people do kind of want stuff like micro or they want it in a way that's not really going to work a lot of the time, it's not so much, like, it's more fear of like, they want to be tattooed, but they're also scared of like the outcome. They don't want it to be because they're worried that they're not going to like it. Or like, you know, Eddy: What other people will think?Tahlia: Where someone's like oh my partner won't like it, my parents won't like it, and it's like I dunno. I think if you're going to commit to it, you probably should just like do it the right way straight off the bat, because you know, like if there's one thing I can tell you, like, people like perfect example, like my parents were a little bit like, when I told them I was getting my arm black out they were like, Ooh, I don't know about that. You know? But like, and like, I remember even like my, my stepdad, like he's amazing and he was like, look Tahlia, just, don't get you face, your throat or your hands tattooed. And I mean, as you can see by this, I definitely didn't listen, but I think a lot of older generation, they have this like, perceived thing that will like, you know, bikeys and then like this thing of like the females are like, you know, like we're like somehow controlled by bikeys or like they're going to perceive us in this, like really, you know, that kind of, um, I don't know how to word it properly, but like, you know how to, they think that we're going to be like this biker wife, you know, owned by some kind of gang or we're going to be kind of badass drug dealer if we get it, you know, and then we get it and they're like, Oh, that's beautiful. I love it. You know, I'm like. Eddy: Yeah.Tahlia: You’re not going to disown you because of a tattoo, they're gonna like eventually get over it. And I mean, if they decide to disown you because you have tattoos, I mean, well, nobody should ever treat you like that. And maybe, you know, you have to realize that that's within themselves and that's nothing to do with you. Eddy: Exactly. It's really interesting how people like restrict what they can get tattooed because they're so scared of not fitting into this like socially prescribed version of normal and like, you know, studies have been done about how women with tattoos are perceived as being more sexually promiscuous. And then that brings up all these things of like, well, for starters, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being sexually promiscuous. You do you. And then also, how can a tattoo have any impact on a person's like sexual adventures. It's just like, it's so irrelevant and it's so weird that people would restrict how they express themselves on their own skin because of another person, it's sad.Tahlia: I mean, if I ever have a client come in, regardless of gender or anything, if they say anything to me about, Oh yeah, my partner said, I can't get this. I'm literally like dump them. You don't need that in your life. And people are like, Whoa, that's really harsh. And I'm like, well, no, if anybody has that kind of say over you, then they're probably toxic, you know, like you shouldn't be, I mean, fair enough. If somebody is worried about your like physical safety, you know, or like your mental health, you know, if your partner's like, Oh, you know, I don't think you should get that cause you're not in a good head space. You know, if it's something really gnarly and negative. You know, if they want to get some big curse words or something and you know, their partner's like, Oh, they're not in the best head space. You know, it'd be a little bit like I would also, regardless of if they had a partner or not, I'd probably be like, look, this is a pretty gnarly thing to be getting are you show you're in the right space for this, you know, maybe you should think about it, you know? But like, I mean, if somebody is telling you what to do in that kind of way, that's a very toxic environment to be a part of.Eddy: A hundred percent. Tahlia: You know? And then I also think like, from that, I'm like, if they're saying that about your tattoos, what else are they saying? Like, this is probably not good for you. Eddy: Exactly. I remember many years ago. I tattooed, I outlined a half sleeve on a girl and I found out a couple of weeks later that her partner didn't like it because it reminded him of a tattooer, he didn't like the style that I had done. And he made her get it lasered off. And then he chose the artist who would redo it. And it was just like such a horrifying thought, just so horrifying that somebody like felt they had a right to control because the whole reason that we're attracted to tattooing is because it's our way of reclaiming ourselves. So when somebody else has an input in that, Like I, I certainly would never allow that to happen in my studio again, like wherever possible. I would just be like, no, get out well to the, not to the customer, obviously to the partner, then I'd turn around to the client and say let's do a bigger and on your forearm.Tahlia: Yeah. I mean, like, um, yeah, I still get a little bit weird about doing partners names. Eddy: Oh.Tahlia: Like I've done them, but like, I mean, I'm still so so strange about it. I mean, if you're somebody that wants to get tattooed and you want your partner's name right now, like, listen to me, when I say this, just find an object, something that you both love, you know, get that tattooed, you know, because you never know what's going to happen in the future. You know? Like, and I mean, like, we all think we all want love to last forever. And I mean, sometimes it does, but you know, like sometimes I feel like like from my experience in studios sometimes I feel like it's more of a bad omen than what it is like a good one, you know? So I'm very, very hesitant to do it.I mean, if I have like an old couple and they're like, yeah, we've been married for this many years, you know, I'm a bit like, ah, okay then, but you know, if you kind of like doing it to prove you love a little bit. I guess so many other things you can do, like get their favorite band lyrics tattooed on you, before you get their name, you know, becauseEddy: ExactlyTahlia: I know plenty of people that have gotten like partner's names and they've had to like cross them out or do other stuff or you know and it's like, you just don't want that on you.Eddy: No. Well, I reckon 90% of the partners' names. I've tattooed on people within six months, they've broken up. And I think it's, it's not that the tattoos necessarily jinxed. I think that the reason they've done that was because there was something, there was underlying issues and they were so terrified of losing this relationship because of these ideas that love allegedly has to last forever. So they've gone and done this as this way of like proving it and cementing it and it doesn't work. And, yeah, you can't do that. Tahlia: Definitely, I mean sometimes like if somebody would tell me like, like I've had people come in before and they're like, I want to win my partner back. I want to get the name tattooed. I'm like, well, how about you go home? And you write a list of things that you could do. Like, you know, there's like, if there is there's problems there maybe address the problem. Not like try and bandaid it with a tattoo. Eddy: Yep.Tahlia: That's my advice, you know, and I'm no therapist, I think that, you know, uh, immortalising, something like just, just think about it. Eddy: Yeah. I usually tell people to get flowers or, you know, some sort of really organic image because you can apply whatever meaning you want to at any particular point in your life. It's so flexible and, you know, words are defined by a very precise meaning and especially a name? SoTahlia: Well, I think like in general, like talking about words of tattooing and I know I just get on tangents here, but that's like something I think as well, like a lot of people. I mean, like, I've got, like, I've got script on, on here. Some of my favorite like lyrics when I was younger. And I think like when you start to get tattooed, if you not, like, um, sometimes you can't picture exactly what you want all the time. And a lot of people gather a lot of like inspiration off like a quote that they read or like, you know, a song that they hear and they're like, I need that tattooed on me. But the thing is that thats our jobs as artists, like I have people contact me. Sorry, I got flies in the house, in the country house. Um, like sometimes, you know, um, I forgot where I was going with this. Oh yeah. That's right. Um, so like, you know, that's our thing as artist that, um, we need to. You know, we create like what you give us.Like, I have clients message me like that are like, Oh, this is my favorite band. So I get them to send me the song that they love, you know, and like the kind of lyric that kind of meant something to them. And, you know, if they're comfortable to, you know, like create something off that I will let find out what their kind of images, you know, they're listen to that. What do they kind of see when they hear that? You know, what do they feel? You know? And like, you know, Like created a lot of stuff based off that, and I think that it makes for really cool, unique tattoos. So if you have an idea, contact the artist you like, and kind of explain that to them, you know, because you'd be surprised how many, like artists are actually really looking forward to kind of, you know, just getting a little bit more like creative and it's, it's a challenge.Eddy: Yeah, that's it, it elevates the tattoo as well. I mean, you know, not all of our clients are creatives, you know, they can't always be expected to take it on themselves to have all the good ideas. And so it, it can be this like working back and forth where they express kind of what they want. But then if they're able to let, like, trust us to decide what to do with that visually, and then. You often end up with such a better tattoo.Tahlia: Yeah definitely, especially if you're doing the right thing with your tattoos, and you're looking up an artist that you like, I mean, whatever you tell them that they're going to create something you like, you know, or if like, they do an amalgamation of styles, kind of send them the vibe that you like of theirs, you know, the color palette that they use and be like, well, you know, here's this idea I have. And this was what I really loved that you did. And, you know, straightaway your artist is going to be like, Oh, okay. No, I understand what you mean. You know, rather than like, you know, feeling like you have to get it nailed. And I think that sometimes, especially like, you know, contacting artists can be a daunting thing.I still remember when I first got tattooed. Going into a studio. I mean, it's changing, you know, with studios like yours, with like, you know what we have at Great White, you know, it's a little bit more inviting environments, but you know, like the, the whole culture of tattooing used to be quite a daunting one to walk into a studio, you know? And it's, it's like, You know, a lot of people have kind of heard those experiences. So when they reach out to artists to, you know, get, get some work done and stuff, they, they feel like they have to have like a million notes in order, you know, and bring it in and have everything to the precise point, you know? And it's like, it is cool when we have an idea to run off. But you know, if you like allow a little bit of creative freedom, like everybody, everything works better. Yeah, it just has that organic flow then. Eddy: Absolutely. And I, I still now get people going and paying a designer to do a tattoo for them who aren't tattooers and who don't understand the complexity of complexities of how a tattoo design works. Then they bring that design they've paid for to me. And I'm like, I actually have to change it because it's not tattooable. And they've wasted all this time because you know, they've not been tattooed before or they've had really bad experiences and didn't understand that it's actually my job to do that for you. And to make sure it's the best possible version of that you can get. Tahlia: Well, that is also, I like for clients why, why are you paying a deposit for stuff. You're paying because you know, we're going to create something we're going to spend a lot of time. And this is another thing with tattoos. That like, I think a lot of people don't realize is most of the time we're spending so many hours, like the week or the day before, you know, to kind of create something like this up, you know, you have that security, you've given that idea and we're going to sit down with all these, like, things that you've given us and we're going to be like, okay, what can I do to make this the best that I can make it?You know? And I, I think, unfortunately I've seen, especially a lot more lately, like, um, with like, you know, the rise of being able to pay for sponsored ads and stuff on social media, you have a lot of, um, maybe like creatives that aren't able to kind of make a viable income off like their, their thing. And they're kind of um profiting a little bit and like targeting their marketing towards, you know, making people feel like, you know, that it's part of like the tattoo process, you know, they kind of selling it and like, I don't know, packaging it in a way that like, you know, this is actually a thing you need to have your stuff like predone, you know, and this is what I do. This is what I specialize in. Then, like you said, you know, that's, that's part of our, like what we do, but, you know, we you know, we're tattooers we don't really have like a, it's not like you look up and there's a job title on want a tattooer does. So Eddy: [Yeah. There's all sorts. Like there's some who literally just tattoo images off Google and that makes them happy and they see themselves more as tradespeople. Then there's those of us who are really only interested in doing custom pieces in our particular style and then everything in between. Tahlia: Yeah, definitely. I mean, like, I think, um, like any, anybody that tattoos it's important to know the technical side of things, but I think that whole, I mean, it used to be like the kind of Western like style of tattooing used to be walking to a studio would usually be like a pretty scary place. You know, like you see all the old films and old bikies sitting in the chair. I mean, it hasn't always been like thatEddy: Ciggies, carpet on the ground.Tahlia: It's just a majority of the places. Yeah. Like, you know, and it used to be picked out, they get the old stencil, they stick it on, you know, and like these days is it's way more of an experience. So like live it up, you know, like do it, like use, use your artists, like as you can, you know, work with them and you know, you're also, you're going to enjoy it a lot more, you know, like, um, like. You're gonna enjoy your artist is going to really enjoy it. And it's something that you connect on then, you know, by the time you come in to get tattooed, your artist is so stoked on it. Like the amount of times, like people send me really cool ideas and they're like, just do what you want. You know, I just want something like this and I'm just like, I'm writing them I'm like, yeah, this is so rad, I'm so excited. This is going to be awesome. And then I'm like, Oh, thats right I'm also, I have to be slightly professional. A lot of the time they come in, I feel like we're best mates from way back when, you know, and I'm like, Yeah, so what are we doing now? You know? And like, they leave. And from there, it's like, you know, you, you're friends, like, that's it, you know, like you see them in the street it's just like, how's it going? I'm like, what's going on? You know, it's really cool. Like what other, what other kind of job can you do where like that's, that's your day to day? Eddy: Yeah, you almost, um, become a part of their lives, even if you don't necessarily ever connect again after the tattoo, you've still had this like intimate and unique interaction that has marked their body and they will remember every time they look at it and yeah, the impact of that goes beyond even, even that initial tattoo experience. But yeah, we're so lucky.Tahlia: Definitely.Eddy: I did want to ask you actually, um, How you, how you got into tattooing. Cause I mentioned that before that I met you, um, when, before you even started your apprenticeship, like, and you've been tattooing for, what would it be like six years, five or six is now Tahlia: I think it's about five, I mean, it's so like, it was such a weird coming into it. I mean, like, I, I didn't...tattooing so it looks like lets wind it right back. So it all kind of started, I mean, I was always like into creative stuff, but, um, I, I had a trade I quit that and I was working part time for a freak show. So it was like a performance, um, like agency and these guys are like, nowadays they're all just my best mates. Um, you know, and like, That was like my first kind of, I liked tattoos and I'd had a few tattoos, but this was like, I met all these really like creative, weird people. And they like had all these really weird tattoos and I was just like, this is awesome. And because of the shows that we were doing was so like, um, niche underground, kind of like, it was more like, um, I did a lot of like fire stuff and like grotesque, burlesque kind of stuff.Eddy: That's awesome.Tahlia: And like, therefore, like a lot of people we met were other creators. So at these events that we were doing I'd meet other tattooers. So from there I was like, Hey, can I come and like, hang out at the studio and paint and draw. So I just would like hang out with people. And then I just, I ended up like helping run like front counters sometimes and someone would go away for the week. Um, I just like when friends would, so when we met in Melbourne, um, friends of mine would like work the convention and they'd be like, Hey, do you want to come across? And they'd let me sell my artwork in return for working in the booth for them for the weekend, you know? And I'd just like, get my flights and go out and hang out with everyone just cause.Like I just idolized. I was like, this is the greatest job in the world. And I mean, I, I created a lot, but I also, I had a lot of like self pressure where I was like, okay, tattooers are like up here. Their work is up here and my artwork has to be up there. So, I mean, I have moved away to Europe and then I was kind of still hanging out in studios, but not really doing a lot. And I had done a couple of tattoos. I was living in Brighton at the time. Um just at some friend's studios there just on like a few friends that I knew in the area. And I was just trying to like get out there, but I mean, it was good, but it was bad. Like, unfortunately and fortunately, I worked in like private studios when I did kind of like when I hung out, I was always in private studios. So it wasn't like they could be like, you're an apprentice. You can do some walk-ins or you can do that. So it's like, I kind of got to teach myself and watch other people use machines, but I was like, you know, they were like, if you want to learn, you can tattoo yourself or tattoo a friend. So, I meanEddy: Yeah. Tahlia: I'd done a couple. And then I moved to Berlin and I was trying to see if it was like, you know, at this point I just caught the bug. I was like, I w I want to do this. I want to do it seriously. And I was able to, um, score a job at a studio called Pechschwarz Tattoo in...which is like, um a darkwork studio and the artists there were just so high caliber and amazing, and really friendly and lovely. And I mean, I was pretty honest about stuff. Like I was like, look, I don't really know what I'm doing. Like I just want to apprentice. And they already had an apprentice and they were kinda like, look you just tattoo here. You do your jobs here. And they will like and, you know, you just work as an artist, but you just travel as much as you can. You travel and you like learn off everybody you can you take as much knowledge as you can? And it was until then I went to work within like the first month or two of kind of tattooing I was able to go and work a convention in Kassel, in central Germany, where I met friends from a studio called Green Pearl, which is in Braunschweig in Germany.And, um, I used to go out there and I used to just like, that was my first experience of doing walk-ins, which was like, you know, at this point I was a bit fake it till you make it. So like I'm there and they're just throwing me all these walk ins. And I'm with all these amazing tattooers, and I was just like sweating and like, Oh my God, am I going to do this? Okay. People are coming over. I'm waiting for them to be like, Oh, this is shit. But they're like, Oh cool, man. Like awesome. You know, everybody was just so friendly and nice. And then, I mean, I was just, I dunno, I like, from there, I just met so many people just going to different places. So I was just like, okay, anytime somebody invites me somewhere, I would just go there. And then from there, I just ended up being able to like, I got invited to the Nepal tattoo convention and I tattooed around Nepal. I ended up working at Parliament Tattoo in London. I got invited to work there with a friend. I worked in Brighton a lot. Um, worked in, um, Krakow in Poland. I worked at a couple of conventions there. I worked in Italy and Spain a lot. I did a lot of work in Spain. Um, I think I'm forgetting a few places. Eddy: It's like, initiation by fire.Tahlia: Oh yeah. Like I was way out of my depth. Like, and I was just like so grateful and I mean, I was also like, I can't, I felt like I couldn't turn down the opportunities because, you know, I was like, if I tell them no, like, I'm not really ready then like, would I have that opportunity again? And like, I just got to, like, everybody was just so lovely. I mean like sometimes I think like, people, like I've said before, they, they build up tattoo is like, they're these scary things, you know? And then you meet them and they're just so awesome. And I mean, when I would go there, I would end up getting to talk to the people and I'd be like, Oh, you know, actually I haven't been tattooing long and they're just like, yeah, good on you. You know, this is awesome. And you know, they'd give you constructive criticism. And I mean, like, As long as you were nice to everyone, I mean, I'd just walk around and be like, how did you do that? That's amazing. You know, they would just stoked to share it. They're like, Oh, you think that's really cool? Like, well, I think this is cool. You know, you're just bouncing off one another. And I think that was the difference. Like Eddy: Yeah.Tahlia: It was just like really lucky. Eddy: Yeah. I love that there's different ways to enter tattooing because like, if we all had the exact same like apprenticeship situation or whatever things wouldn't be as diverse or interesting. Like the fact that you've got to travel the world learning along the way is what makes your work yours.Tahlia: Oh, thank you. I mean, I think also like, like I said, I was very lucky. I had some very good mentors. Um, like some of the places I would hang out, like I got offered, um, a lot of apprenticeships before I left Australia. And I remember a few of the older guys that I worked with and that like mentored me. Um, they kind of said like, you know, you don't like because of this underlying in a few of the studios, especially like at that point in time, on the West coast of Australia, unless you were an amazing artist straight away, like you kind of, your only choice from there was to work in these like kind of misogynistic, kind of sexist like underlying places, you know? And they were like, you know, you don't want to work somewhere you're a little bit owned by the studio. Like in, you know, there was this a lot of kind of dodgy stuff going on and, you know, I wanted to tattoo so bad, but I'm really glad I had good like mentors around that were like get out while you can, you know, like, you know, and I'm kind of like, but this is the wrong way to do it.And they're like, that's when I had people, like, not like you do it, however you do it, you know? Kind of like get in there. I mean, and I'm not an advocate, like when I'm telling my story, I'm not an advocate for like, you know, tattoo at home and do this. Like, I never did any of that. Like, you know, I mean, like I'm not. I still believed in a safe practice. I went and did my occupational health and safety before I started tattooing. And I've only ever like tattooed in studios, you know, or in like a safe environment like that. Like I, I think sometimes there's a little bit of a blurred line with people when they're like, you know, when they say, Oh, you know, you don't need to have a traditional kind of apprenticeship, like I totally agree with that. But I also would say like, you know, you have to make sure that you're having a safe practice. And at the end of the day, like, you know, there is, there is definitely a technical application that you need to learn. Eddy: You do need a mentor.Tahlia: Like everybody learns in their own different way, but yeah, like there is like, there is some technical stuff you have to learn. I mean, like I learned that pretty quick that like, just because I could draw something on paper didn't mean I could tattoo it. Like, and, and even now, like sometimes I feel like when I tattoo for a long time and I don't have a lot of time to draw. Sometimes I feel like my tattooing abilities surpasses my drawing ability. And you know, you've got to kind of notch it back together. Like, because at the end of the day, it is two different crafts it's like it's like doing like, you know, drawing sketching with a pencil and then painting with oils and expecting to be an amazing oil painter cause you good with pencils, you know, it's like it's two different things.Eddy: Absolutely. That's what, um, you know, like I've mentioned in previous interviews, how, you know, we're so privileged, like will those of us who are comfortable, like to be able to actually use this time to practice those skills again and kind of, you know, when we go back to tattooing, we'll have like being able to build other skills up to a point where, you know, everything's a bit more balanced.Tahlia: Yeah, definitely like, um, I think that, you know, it's, it's important to keep, like I think I see it with a lot of people. I did it a lot myself as well. Like I was lucky enough to kind of get, um, like I kind of, I was drawing all the time. I was painting all the time and I was so much like involved in my art. And then I started tattooing and I felt like that was maybe after a year or two of tattooing. I felt like my work was kind of becoming a little bit repetitive, like for my own liking, but I think a lot of it was to do with like, more of, I just wasn't taking the time to draw anymore. Like I was just so excited to tattoo that all I did was tattoo to the point that like I think then I had like a little while where I was like, Oh, well, what do I draw now? You know, because I'd just gotten so into this process of like what I would do to do a tattoo that when I got to sit down in front of a piece of paper, my brain was up. It's just like, nah you've used all that up now.Eddy: Yeah, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves as well to like, do everything perfectly and it's not really realistic. And, uh, you know, we've, we've talked about many times about like all of these like external pressures that we put on ourselves and how, you know, we're all ending up getting really burnt out and tattoo. Like I know so many tattooers who have been like, Oh, I've just been so burnt out lately. Like almost thankful that lockdown happened. And like, do, were you feeling that way as well? Tahlia: Um, definitely like I think, um, I mean, I I've had like moments of, uh, I think now I'm able to kind of better adjust to that. Like, I feel like I had my moment where I burnt out a bit and then I had the kind of go wait and like reel it back a bit. I mean, I think there's the co like there's, there's different pressures. So there's like the personal pressure, like the, you know, we want to be able to do, because we have to create all the time. There's this kind of thing to create on demand, you know? And like, sometimes you can't do that. Sometimes you have a bit of a creative block. It doesn't mean that what you create, isn't going to be amazing for somebody, but it just means like, as far as you creating something new and innovative, You're just maybe like a little bit, you just need to relax and like take some time whether what it is that relaxes you whether you take a ride on your motorbike, or you go out to nature for a bit, you know, something that just kind of resets and takes you out of the studio, you know, and like, um, you know, there's also this like, this social pressure. I mean, with like social media these days, especially like Instagram, I mean personally myself with all this like COVID stuff, like I'm looking online and like, I mean, I've gotten my gardens going. I've been looking after all the farm animals. Yeah. I've done lots of stuff. But then I was finding myself, hopping on Instagram and I'm like, Oh, everybody's painting.Everybody's like selling like originals. And they're doing all of this amazing stuff. And I'm sitting here going well, how come like, you know, I managed to get up and make lunch today and like sort the garden out. And then I'm like, Oh, I need to leave my garden and I need to paint. I should be doing my greatest work right now. You know? And like you find yourself, like even though you don't mean to you're like comparing yourself to other people and I mean like, back when I first started tattooing Instagram was like pretty like, it was like prevalent, but it wasn't like huge. And I mean, you know, nowadays, like, like you used to know the artists because they were the artists in your area, in your city, you'd read tattoo magazines. And that's how you'd find cool people. Whereas these days, literally, if I want to hop on my phone right now, I'm just like, exposed to the greatest tattoo artists in the world, the greatest artists in the world. So you just, you're looking and you're like, Oh my God. You know, and everybody's doing their own individual thing, but you're not seeing that.You're just seeing an amalgamation of like amazing, different everything, you know? And you're like, Oh God, like, why am I no good at this? You know? And like, we also have, like, it's more of like an old school mentality, but there's like this thing of like, Um, like, it's kind of cool to overwork yourself when your tattoo, like, if you talk to artists that like, when like tattoo conventions are the perfect example of what you know, we'll tattoo for 12 to 14 hours straight, we do it for three days. And I mean, that's fun when you work at convention. Sometimes it's fun to burn yourself out a little bit, you know, but like, you know, people are just. They just take the work because it's there, you know, and they're just working and working, working, you know, and like they're burning themselves out. They're not like eating properly. They're not like, you know, a lot of the time, you know, they're kind of like going out and having a few drinks and like dinner with friends afterwards, you know? And they're like, They kind of like get some weird satisfaction from it, because somewhere along the line, some old school guys told us, you know, if you're not working, like, you know, then like, like for some reason, like we're made to feel guilty.Eddy: Yeah.Tahlia: If we decide that we need to take a day off a week, because we want to like, you know, get something else going. Or like, you know, if you're like, well, I'm working way too much, you know, like I, I took a day off a week so that I could you know, do my drawings to the best of my ability, because I feel like if I take that extra time, then like, you know, I create something better than if I'm just like putting it on, on the morning of like the thing, you know, but I don't know. It's just, it's this weird thing. And it's like, Nobody talks about it. Like nobody's really gonna make you feel bad about it, but you kind of have this weird guilt sometimes when you're like, Oh, you know, I need to work a little less than sometimes, you know, you're like, Oh, is everybody going to look down on me or think I'm weak because I need to take a bit of time to create.Eddy: Yeah.Tahlia: But I think also like a lot of people that do over work. They work in studios where they're doing a lot of walk-ins and like, they're not really like thinking about the stuff that they're creating a lot of stuff. So maybe they do like one of their own flash pieces. But for the rest of the week, they're doing like, you know, somebody that comes in and says, I want this picture. I want this. So they're doing that after like one after the other. And I mean that still can burn you out. But I mean, when you're doing what you do, what I do, what a lot of artists do, where you're like putting a bit of yourself into everything you create for somebody you just like mentally and physically cannot spend all your time doing that. Like if I'm working seven days a week doing three or four tattoos a day, Like by like Saturday, Sunday, how am I going to make the best work that I can? Because all I'm thinking is I need a good sleep. Eddy: Yep.Tahlia: I need to get out of the studio. Like I've traveled when I first started tattooing, I took that on board so hard and I just wanted to work so much that like for a while there, when I was traveling, like I did a three month trip with my friend, Laura, that I was working in Berlin with and we went to Italy, we went to Spain. Um, Where else, there was somewhere else we went, but there was like a few places that we traveled to. And then the three months, I didn't see anything. The first time I went to Spain, I spent most of my time in Barcelona. I hadn't even seen the beach. Eddy: Oh my god.Tahlia: Like we literally just stayed in a studio the whole time. I went Milan. All I can tell you about Milan is I went to. Well, I was lucky enough, actually, I got to go to some fashion shows in the nighttime, but we'd just been so busy that like, by the time we went there, I was so burnt out. I couldn't take in the fact that I was in fashion week. Like with you know, at an exclusive like NIKE and ADIDAS party, like, you know, all I was thinking was I just need to sleep. I need to draw these jobs for tomorrow and I need to work. Like know, I can't like you couldn't be. And at some point, and I think that also prompted, you know, when I moved to Mexico for a while, Like, it's a very slow, relaxed kind of lifestyle. And I think that's what, like drew me to it when I was living in Europe, I was like, so fast paced and tattooing all the time.And everybody I worked with was so heavily into that, that I like was so into this place where I was like, wow, everybody just wakes up. They go and do a little bit of work and then they relax. They take a lunch break, you know, like, and nowadays I think like, You know, I try and I think maybe I went from like so fast paced to so relaxed and I feel like coming back here was a little bit more of like, okay, let's like work is like, To the best of our abilities and then, you know, go home and like, relax and enjoy like, you know, our family, our pets, our garden, our plant babies, whatever we want, you know, take the time to really enjoy stuff like that.Eddy: Absolutely. It's so important to get that balance. Like I burnt myself out so hard and I always had these like ideas in my head that I had to be here for the studio to make sure that all the artists who work here were happy and that I was doing everything I could for them. And then I had to be there for my clients to make sure I was doing the best work for them. And I had to do all of these things and I had to do a lot of it to please everyone. And that I forgot about myself. And then I kind of realized like, what's the point of living if you're in, you're not enjoying it. What's the point of creating art if, if you're not able to actually put any thing of value into it, and then like, what's the point of, you know, being there for, you know, my colleagues, if I'm just angry and tired, like it's just, it's crazy. And tattooing is....Yeah, and it's, it's such a strange thing that tattooers have developed that attitude because it's such a capitalist attitude and we're meant to be pirates. It doesn't make sense. Tahlia: Yeah, I mean, not like how many, like as soon as we got put into lockdown how many tattooers was stressed about not working and do you know what that was? I mean, go back. Like a year. I was like, I'm in, I'd say like, I've made some of my biggest changes to that in the last year. I mean, I would be having a full mental breakdown if you go back a year or two, not being able to have work because you know, like it got to the point that, I mean, I love tattooing with all my heart and soul, and I always have like, and just like creating, but I mean, it got to the point where I had no life besides tattooing. Like my life was going to work early and then being the last one to leave because, you know, I just stay and paint. Like, I, I didn't bother with like relationships. I didn't like bother like everything.Like my friends were everybody I tattooed with. I didn't bother having a partner because I didn't want the time for it. Like, I I've always wanted pets. But I didn't have pets because I was like, Oh, well, I don't want to have to look after them because I want to be able to go and tattoo. I'd have a day off and I'd go into the studio and the guys at work all would be like, well, what are you doing? I'd be like, just in the area because I had nothing else to do, you know? Everything that I could. It's like, I feel for people that have done that to their life, because now that we're not tattooing, like, you know, you have to take a that's what happened to me? Like you have to take a hard, look at yourself and be like, wow, like, you know, this is something that I've like invested so much in my life in that, like, I don't have anything besides that, you know?And I think it's important to have that balance, you know, because. It did get to that like, my inspiration was all just tattoo inspiration. And then, you know, when I took a step back and I went back to doing the things I enjoy doing, like going for long hikes, you know, like I started taking Mondays off and I called Mondays adventure Mondays. And every Monday I'd go for a big hike by the time I'd go to work on Tuesday, I'd be physically exhausted, but I would also just be like, Oh, I did this and I saw that and like, it just got me out of that, like that habit, like I saw something different and I was like just fresh perspective. Like all of a sudden my work started going in like different directions and yeah, it's just, it's, it's very important.Eddy: Oh, that's so awesome. Yeah. Well if, to any of our listeners who are tattooers, who've been in that kind of situation, where their, they've invested all of their self worth in tattooing, what, what would you suggest if anything? Tahlia: I mean, everybody's got the different things. I mean, like, obviously we have like hobbies and passions besides tattooing like, even if it's something as simple as if you still want to do something creative, like go and do a life drawing course, or like, you know, an extra art course or something, something away from it find like a different medium, or like, you know, another thing I've like, I've done, which I enjoyed is like just volunteer work at places, go and volunteer somewhere. Obviously, you know, you're tattooing that much. You don't need to go and hustle and make money off something. And I think that that's something that like, you know, being self employed, kind of, you can get into that bubble of feeling like you need a hustle all the time, you know, and like make money off every creative endeavor, but go and do something that you can't make money off.Eddy: Yeah. Tahlia: You know like going like knit or paint, like go and ask someone if they got a free wall and go and paint their wall for them or something, you know, like just do something that breaks you out of the cycle of like, you know, It being so much of work, you know, or like, you know, go on a date. It's not going to kill you. I mean, like, I definitely, it was like, I was afraid of people, like, you know, I was like, Oh, I can't get close to anyone because you know, work is everything, you know, and like, You just go and treat yourself, take yourself out for a nice dinner. Like one of my really good friends, like I rang her up and she was in Scotland and I was like, what are you doing? And she's like, just taking myself for a date, you know? And you know, it's like, she took a day off work, took herself for a day and made herself feel better. And I was like, Oh God, I've never done that. Like, I never would think of that. You know? So like, just think of like, Think of someone you really love and if they were like, if they needed a break, what would you do for them? And then just do that for yourself. Eddy: That's a really good point. Yeah. That's awesome. I love that. I'm going to do that. I'm going to take myself for a date tomorrow. Tahlia: It's so good. I mean like also another thing I love to do when I take myself for a day, Is when I sit down, I like table for one, I'm like, Oh no table for two, please. I'm just waiting on my date and then seeing their face and like, Oh, they just didn't show up...it's a horrible thing to do.Eddy: Hey, you got to take the joy where you can. Tahlia: Yeah.Eddy: Well, before we finish up today, is there anything else you wanted to touch on?Tahlia: Um, I don't know, I could ramble on for a million years. I'm in like, I've already expressed for this my love for you guys as well. Um. Eddy: I love you. Tahlia: I mean, for anyone. Well, I can't wait till I can come visit you guys.Eddy: Aww, I miss you so much.Tahlia: But I mean like, with like tattooing, I mean, I'm just like, I can't wait to go back I like, I'm just super excited to like, you know, see my clients again, meet new people, travel more, you know, like it's been such a wild ride to get to here.I'm super excited to see kind of what the future of tattooing holds. And there's just that many amazing artists out there. And like, you know, I, I have the absolute pleasure to say that a lot of those amazing people are my friends as well. You know, like I I feel really, really, really blessed to be able to be inspired by the people that come and eat dinner at my house with me, and like, you know, meet up for coffee. You know like, it's, it's pretty awesome. And like, you know, it's the people that like are collecting tattoos and let like contact us and that really dig our art, like I just like I just pinch myself every day and I'm like, wow, people actually like what I'm doing. I'm so so I stoked on that and I'm stoked that a lot of people share that same kind of vibe as me, you know, and just like, appreciate everything about it.Eddy: We are the luckiest people on the planet, I think, in the universe, even Tahlia: Yeah and like, if anybody, if anybody ever sees this and they want to like reach out and chat about art, about tattooing like I kind of, I swear I'm not a scary person. Sometimes it might take me a few days to answer, but I do love like, hearing and seeing art projects. Like, I love when like, you know, people that follow me on Instagram, they like message me and like, Hey, I drew this, what do you think of that? Like, and I just love that. Like, I love like supporting people, like if you're creating in any kind of for yourself or if you're pursuing to be a tattooer. Like just support as many people as you can support local artists, support, local business, you know, like Eddy: AbsolutelyTahlia: That kind of thing. You know, like there there's no room for hate there's enough, like hate out there. So just like just bugger it off, you know, just find things you like. And if you find something really nice, like if you like something, don't just scroll past it, you know, make the effort to tell somebody because you know, like for like, as artists we're so self-critical like, you know, someone writing something really nice to us, or like commenting on something, you know, that could be what makes our day. That could be what, you know, you saying that you like, that could inspire us to create more of that. You know, like if you're not engaging with us and we're not really sure what you're into. So like, be like, you know, be more engaging with us and like, we can bring you exactly what you want. Like tell us what you want to see, like go for it. Eddy: That's awesome. Yeah. That's that is such a good thing to do. And it's so true about the whole, like, just being kind and spreading love it like that kind of optimism is really going to be what makes the world a better place moving forward.Tahlia: Yeah, definitely. And I really hope all of this time that we've had at home has kind of like sparked that, you know, it's definitely made me realize like how much you can get into doing it everyday life. And then you kind of like take for granted the fact that you know, like I drive two hours and I can be with you guys and hanging out, you know? And you kind of like, you know, even with family and any kind of friends, you know, you kind of take that for granted. And then something like this happens. You're like, Oh, I miss everyone. I really appreciate having those people in my life. And all of a sudden you're like, as soon as this is over, I'm going to go hug every single person and tell them how much I love them.Eddy: So many hugs after this. Oh my God. Tahlia: Although I feel like our pets will be very upset when we all return to work. Eddy: Yeah. The cats are going to be devastated. Like my, my exotic short hair, my little squish face boy, he like, he spends hours just sitting on Aaron's lap, staring into Aaron's eyes, just full of love. And he's so happy Aaron's home all the time now. Tahlia: So good though, I mean, if there's anyone, that's like not hating COVID. It's definitely our pets. Eddy: Yeah. All the doggos in the world having the best time going for walks every day. Tahlia: Oh, yeah, they're all just like yeah best day ever.Eddy: Aww, little angels. Well, for, for our listeners, um, if you'd like to watch the footage of this chat, you can head over to our YouTube and follow us on Instagram at not just a girl underscore tattoo for regular updates. I'll be sure to link Tahlia's information if you want to contact her, um, and follow her. And um, any other information in the show notes, um, make sure you subscribe and follow and share and spread the love of tattooing. Um, thank you so much for joining me Tahlia. It's been so amazing and thank you so much to all of our listeners. Um, I hope everyone has a wonderful day if they can and get out there and spread the love and be kind and don't take anything for the granted.

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