Yoonmin Drabble #20
Other people would perhaps call it petty but Jimin himself likes to think of it as admirable. In any case, he had successfully managed to each and every aspect of Yoongi's career these past few months.
He had carefully selected which events he attended, had declined offers to certain shows, had refused to answer questions regarding his past as an idol, had simply switched the radio channel whenever the name Agust D fell, had blacklisted all his pseudonyms on all his electronics.
It had been both been harder and easier than when he had still been in the military. During his service, he had no cellphone and limited access to the internet, not to mention that Yoongi himself had been stationed at a barracks back in Daegu. But the guys in Jimin's unit had been curious when the first met him, not because he was a world famous kpop idol but because there was no one who could have missed the scandal.
No one had asked outright but Jimin had felt their looks and heard their whispers. Someone were disgusted, some were pitying, and he didn't know which he hated more. But he kept his head down, did his work, and eventually people got used to him.
For two years, Park Jimin was just one soldier among many. For two years, he did not sing.
Now he is back, still not quite used to the spotlight, but perhaps that is just because he is simply walking the red carpet alone these days.
It is also the first award show he is attending where he knows that Yoongi will be present, will be nominated, will perform.
Three years, Jimin reminds himself. Three years since the scandal, since the breakup, since the pain. Three years since everyone gave a sigh of relief when the seven of them collectively started their service and called it a hiatus instead of a disbandment. Three years since a very personal apocalypse.
By now, Jimin should be over it, but the memories sit deep in his bones and still won't let him sleep some nights. He turns over words he could have used, contemplates kisses he should have never given.
We have it all, he had whispered into Yoongi's ear one night, mere weeks before the fall, when the paupers had still thought themselves princes, before 'all' was taken from them in what felt like a blink, a flurry of shameful headlines and panicked press conferences.
Now, he finds himself sitting on a velvet seat close to the aisle in a big concert hall, surrounded by other artists who make pleasant small-talk instead of sending him sidelong looks. Three years and the scandal has died down, the world has moved on, and Korea has become more accepting. Three years and so much unfair timing.
Please, Taehyung had said on the phone before Jimin had even found the invitation among his manager's emails. Please, just this once. It's been so long, and Kookie is hosting. It would mean a lot to him to have you there.
So Jimin had agreed, reluctantly, had send his confirmation to the organizers, had declined a plus one, had picked an outfit and stitched a perfectly blasé expression onto his face before he climbed out of the car and faced the feral flashes of the cameras.
“Now,” Jungkook says on stage, while his co-host smiles sweetly. “I am very happy to announce our next performer. For over a decade, he has been a caring hyung, a wonderful mentor and a great inspiration to me.”
The crowd cheers and Jimin does not flinch.
“Tonight,” Jungkook continues, “He is nominated in the category Best Solo Rap or HipHop for his truly remarkable self-produced song Easier.”
Again, Jimin keeps himself still. He had known of the nomination, yes, but this is the first time he has heard of the song in particular. It's a simply title, deceptively plain, but with a whirlwind of implications underneath the word.
“Please welcome,” Jungkookie says, lifting his arms in a well-practiced gesture, “Min Yoongi!”
That- is new. Had it been a simple faux pas of Jungkook to announce Yoongi under his legal name instead of his stage persona? Or was that intentional? Had Yoongi perhaps even done away with Agust D altogether, to rid himself of echo of Suga that were still caught in that name?
Jimin has no time to contemplate it further. The lights dim, the crowd hushes, and then a small part of the stage is illuminated, a white halo atop a grand piano.
Yoongi, when he sits down on the small bench, does not look like a rapper or an idol or like someone Jimin remembers very well.
His slacks are black, his dress shirt white, and his hair is all natural. He looks like a concert pianist and it is so at odds with the man whose face twisted into an ugly visage when he told Jimin to leave, just leave then, tell them I forced you when I fucked you, tell them you never loved me at all!
No, Jimin chides himself, clenching his fists in his lap. He will not allow himself to sink back into the guilt and the doubt and the questions of blame. He will listen to this song, four minutes, five minutes, however long it takes, tag them on to the three years that have passed, and then he will continue to breathe.
Yoongi's hands touch the piano key the way they used to touch Jimin's body – knowingly, familiarly, lovingly – and he draws sounds from it just the same. Underneath Yoongi's affection, Jimin had sung. Now he watches and keeps his silence.
There is no track to accompany the melody Yoongi writes out with his fingers, no beat and no bass, just Yoongi leaning forward and pushing his lips against the mic in something akin to a kiss.
“I won't lie, I felt betrayed, I started cursing your name,” he begins to rap and the words zap through Jimin's mind like lightening, unexpected and unpleasant. It does not surprise him that Yoongi would have turned their ugly separation into an angry rap, but to think that he got a nomination and potentially even an award out of it is especially jarring.
“I even smoked cigarettes to burn out your taste, set my lungs on fire and laid my tongue to waste,” Yoongi continues and Jimin pulls a face, insulted. Yoongi had always abhorred smoking, and to fault Jimin for a new bad habit was just petty and childish.
“But my lips were promised kisses and I find that I miss it,” Yoongi says, softer and almost self-deprecating, “Though I guess I got myself to blame.”
Jimin stills.
Of course he would miss it, he tries to rationalize it. Their relationship had been good while it had lasted, there was no reason to demean it. But to say it so blatantly, so shamelessly...
“I don't remember all that happened, who said what and how and when,” Yoongi says and that's fair enough, the lines had blurred as they both hurled hurtful things at each other, as they couldn't breathe around their fear, and Jimin remembers those days as nothing but a long stretch of hurt.
“Though I do remember thinking, We could try this again,” Yoongi admits, only to lets his head hang a little. “But the door was locked by then, the thought came too late. So I tried to shrug it off and called it Mistakes and Fate. I went on with my life, I put my game face on, never daring to look just how far you had gone.”
Incheon, Jimin thinks. I was stationed in Incheon, and for two years your were just two hours away.
“I thought it would be easier to leave you behind,” Yoongi says and the piano is slower now, contemplative, less explosive anger and aching regret. “Easier to get your laughter out of my mind. Easier to write songs about things that aren't you. Easier to lie than forever be true.”
Truth, that had been it, the thing that broke their backs. They lived so many pretenses, had thought that they could juggle their existence as idols with their secret little affair behind the scenes.
Affair, Jimin recalls with a sour taste. That's what the papers had called it.
“I asked my father, Hey, dad, how did you know?” Yoongi raps, easily switching into his Satoori dialect, stronger than ever after two years away from Seoul. “How did you know that mom was it? How long did you date? He said, Son, you never know and you'll always be afraid. But some things that aren't easy are still worth the wait.”
Jimin swallows. He can tell that there are cameras on him now, filming his reactions, and in that moment he realizes that, while he has stoutly refused to listen to any of Yoongi's works, the entire country had been aware that this was a song written about them. And now they wanted to see what Jimin thought of it.
“So maybe I should have waited,” Yoongi acknowledges, “Maybe I would have won. Maybe I could have lingered even after you had run.”
I didn't run, Jimin thinks spitefully, despite the fact that he isn't even sure anymore. They had both messed up and sometimes there was no changing that.
“And I accept the blame, I do, I have it written on my skin,” Yoongi bursts out, his eyes shut in concentration, “Yet I want the world to know – we were always more than sin!”
Oh, Jimin says and suddenly there are tears caught in his lashes. How is it possible that, years and years later, Yoongi's music still managed to touch him so deeply, so suddenly?
“I thought it would be easier, but my music wants your voice,” Yoongi confesses. His upper-body is swaying back and forth with it, like a man in prayer. “I thought it would be easier, but this was never just my choice.”
It hadn't been our choice at all, Jimin knows. The choice had been taken from them the moment their relationship was dragged out for everyone to sneer and stare at.
“Maybe you'll never hear this song, maybe I cannot ask for more,” Yoongi finishes, the melody turning slower and slower underneath his fingertips, like the end of heavy rain. “But if you love me still, maybe we could try for an encore?”
No, Jimin thinks helplessly. No, this isn't fair. Yoongi couldn't just write one song and undo three years of stagnation. He couldn't take Jimin's pain and soothe it into oblivion.
The song is over and the lights turn low again. The audience bursts into cheers. Jimin keeps his hands carefully folded and does not acknowledge the cameras. Then Jungkook and his co-host are back on stage, commending Yoongi's performance before also announcing the next artist. Jimin gets up from his seat and squeezes back the other people to get into the aisle.
He'd catch a short break in the bathroom, he tells himself. Maybe see whether he could get someone to bring him something to drink, water or alcohol, he doesn't even know. Yet, somehow, he suddenly finds himself at the door that leads backstage for when artists need to get ready for their performance.
“There you are,” Hoseok hisses, stepping out of the shadow. “I was already thinking you wouldn't come.”
“I- what?” Jimin says, confused, especially as Hoseok just grabs him by the arm and leads him through the door, nodding at the security people.
“Do you know how much planning this took?” Hoseok shakes his head. “I never thought you of all people would be so stubborn or childish.”
“What are you talking about?”
“The song!” Hoseok exclaims with a wave of his hand. “You were supposed to hear it months ago. But then Taehyung finds out that you have literally purged Yoongi-hyung from your life, and when he heard he was ready to just give up. Seokjin had to move in with him, just to make sure he was eating properly. And then Namjoon set up this whole elaborate scheme of making listen to the song live so you can't just ignore it. This took months, I tell you, so you better be grateful.”
“I- I-,” Jimin stammers, with slowly inching panic making him realize where this is going.
“Hobi,” Yoongi says where is suddenly standing on the threshold of a small changing room. “Let go of him.”
He looks a little older and his makeup glistens a little from how the stage lights must have burned down on him. But he is still just as short as always and he is he is looking right at Jimin.
“Hyung,” Jimin says, strangled, the first word in too long.
“Jiminie,” Yoongi returns and it should be too much, too familiar, but it feels just right. Yoongi's fingers clench around the door handle and he licks his lips, before gesturing into the empty room behind him. “Would you like to sit down and talk a bit?”
Jimin shakes his head, opens his mouth before Yoongi's face can fall. But perhaps the decision had already been made before Yoongi wrote his song.
“I'm here for that encore.”
Here the song lyrics for easier reading, if anyone is interested:
Min Yoongi - Easier (ft. dawnstruck)
“I won't lie, I felt betrayed, I started cursing your name
I even smoked cigarettes to burn out your taste,
set my lungs on fire and laid my tongue to waste
but my lips were promised kisses and I find that I miss it
Though I guess I got myself to blame
I don't remember all that happened, who said what and how and when
But I do remember thinking, We could try this again
But the door was locked by then, the thought came too late
So I tried to shrug it off and called it Mistakes and Fate
I went on with my life, I put my game face on,
never daring to look just how far you had gone
I thought it would be easier to leave you behind
Easier to get your laughter out of my mind
Easier to write songs about things that aren't you
Easier to lie than forever be true
I asked my father, Hey, dad, how did you know?
How did you know that mom was it? How long did you date?
He said, Son, you never know and you'll always be afraid
But some things that aren't easy are still worth the wait
So maybe I should have waited, maybe I would have won
Maybe I could have lingered even after you had run
And I accept the blame, I do, I have it written on my skin
Yet I want the world to know – we were almost more than sin
I thought it would be easier, but my music wants your voice
I thought it would be easier, but this was never just my choice
Maybe you'll never hear this song, maybe I cannot ask for more
But if you love me still, maybe we could try for an encore?”
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SF9 To When You’re Crying Because Of Their Sasaeng Fan
Inseong: Would be shocked, not really caring about what is it that happened more but like how to fix this sort of situation and his main priority would be trying to get you to stop crying first. Would go get some water and then hug you after, petting your hair as you try to slowly stop crying. Once your finished, he would finally lean back to look at you and ask if its ok for you to now explain to him what happened.
“Now that you’ve stopped crying baby girl, If it’s ok with you, would you mind telling me what happened?” Once you tell him what happened, he’ll contact his manager and make sure the sasaeng never ever gets to ever go to a public event and is banned to go near the company building ever again because Inseong doesn’t play around.
Youngbin: Would be constantly asking you “whats wrong whats wrong” while holding your shoulders and looking you in the eyes with his own pair of sad eyes. He would then later become furious because his automatic response to you crying like this is because of someone hurting you. “Who hurt you, tell me. I’ll make sure they won’t do it again.” Would go to the ends of this earth to figure out who it was that hurt you, getting all his information from his connections. When he finds out it’s a sasaeng, he’ll contact the sasaengs parent’s and make sure you get an apology and that sasaeng is banned to meet sf9 and stays on the blacklist.
Jaeyoon: ‘Who made my babe cry, who do I gotta kill. I’ll burn their place down right now just tell me the address and the name” Would be pissed and also concerned at the same time. Would phone all of your close friends, and even your family to ask them what happened to you until he finally gets his answer, and once he figures it out- best know he’s going to try to solve it himself just to make you feel better and best know he will really get that sasaeng to go away just by his glares and words when he sees her. Something like “You don’t belong here, go away.” Such a simple phrase, but coming from Jaeyoon, that’s the worse insult you can possibly ever receive because he’s not even saying it with an attitude, he’s dead serious.
Zuho: Would be hella shooked, rushing to ask you right away “omg whats wrong whats wrong” constantly asking you until you say something as he holds your hand. The cutie Would panic and get sad himself along with you because he can’t handle seeing his girl so sad. Probably would punch a wall when he finds out a sasaeng has hurt you really bad but then take you out for ice-cream and buys you a plushie doll to make you feel better. Would soothe you and tell you to forget about it and that you’ll be okay because what has happened already happened, but forever he’ll stay salty and revengeful if that sasaeng comes across his sight. Will treat them like the biggest shit in the world. Whenever he sees her he’ll make it loud and clear he doesn’t want her there. “UGH WHY IS SHE HERE.” constantly eye rolls and face of disgust.
Rowoon: Confused, but right away not even laughing or joking around. Would calmly sit next to you, not knowing what to say and have a silent arm around your shoulder as he lay his head against you and then rubbing your head. “What’s wrong. Tell me baby.” Once you tell him, that’s when he’ll become silently angry, not really expressing his anger, but you’ll definitely tell he is by his deadly obvious face expression. During a fansign, he will pretend everything’s fine with until it’s time for the sasaeng to get her sign from him and as she reaches to his spot, he’ll sign her album with a smile as he says “if you ever mess with my girlfriend ever again, I’ll make sure everyone knows your name so you can never go to any fansign or event, not sf9, not any other kpop group ever.”
Dawon: “WHAT HAPPENED, WHO HURT YOU, TELL ME NOW.” Wouldn’t even allow you to be upset for even more than a second, would push the answer out of you until you tell him it’s a sasaeng. Once he hears who it was, the next time he sees her, he’ll be like “YAH! YOU COME HERE!” and boiiii he’ll give her the biggest lecture, so help someone holds this guy back, probably his manager and Youngbin would have to because the boi will try to fight. Would push her forehead with his index finger if he gets riled up talking about how a kid like her dare mess with his girlfriend and if she wants her parents to get involved or even worse the police.
Taeyang: Would drop everything he’s doing or saying and rush to hug you. “My precious baby, what happened?!” Would hold your face with both his hands and kiss you softly, rubbing your cheek with his thumbs. “You know I will always protect you so tell me what’s wrong and I’ll fix it baby.” When he finds out what happened to you, he’ll tell his members and manager right away to write an official tweet that states anyone who further invades the members privacy or their loves ones will be investigated and legal actions will be enforced and then making a warning list with the sasaeng’s name on it. An uproar on twitter will commence but now your safety will be garenteed.
Hwiyoung: Would probably get super emotional with you and hug you, asking you in a puppy voice why you’re so sad because you’re making him sad. Once you tell him it’s a sasaeng, that’s when sassy diva ruthless no mercy hwiyoung comes out, and not even confronting the sasaeng right away in person, the next time he sees her, he’ll take a pic of her, upload it online and put her on blast for the whole of twitter to see and drag her and THEN he will put her on the blacklist. Hwiyoung really got no chill. She would probably never be able to use sns again but does hwiyoung give a shit?*shrugs*
Chani: Looks at you and sits next to you, rubbing your head softly. “What’s wrong? Who has made you cry? Mind telling me? I’m always here to listen.” You tell him what it is that happened, and he nods along with an “ahh..don’t worry, she won’t ever mess with you again so just forget about it and hug me.” And rest assured everything will be okay. Whenever he sees the sasaeng, he will ignore her, refuse to sign anything for her and eventually the other fans will catch on that he doesn’t like her, making her the most hated in the fanbase causing her to eventually leave. Will be blunt about it whenever any other fan ask. “I simply don’t like her, she’s not a fan, she’s trying to be more than that by digging into my life and I do no tolerate people like that.”
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