#they put drugs in there or smth

[inezs-believable-stories]

aftg need to be studied because i have never met someone that’s read the books and been normal about it

someone needs to do research on how these books are basically a drug

#or a cult #drug or cult you decide #but either way i LOVE these books #and almost everyone else that has read them does too #nora put crack in them or smth #all for the game #the foxhole court #aftg #the raven king #the kings men #neil josten

[antaripirate]

alucard emery deserves the fucking world and this parallel made me cry like a fucking baby

#regularly scheduled alucard emery appreciation post because i adore him #justice for anisa #also lila and ren are precious #v must put some kind of drug in these books bc i had NEVER cried at a book or film before #and then when i first read AGOS smth broke in me #a friend told me to keep a tally of how many times threads made me cry on first read #i can safely say that tally will never be seeing the light of day #there was genuinely a section of the book where i cried so much i coughed up blood LMAO #anyways #adsom #a darker shade of magic #shades of magic #the fragile threads of power #threads of power #alucard emery #lila bard

[morvantmortuary]

late last night, I figured out how to compile my scrivener drafts to epubs (finally)

it is. immensely surreal to see your own work show up like a book in your ereader for the first time, let me tell you that.

#and then rarae says #I've gone mad with power cutting certain chapters of Vol. I in new places and swapping them around #the thing about writing this for people who aren't your nice friends on your tumblr is figuring out how much context is needed #and where they're willing to just Go With It #...ngl there is the teeniest tiniest part of me that was thinking about putting up. like. a Director's Cut on itch or smth #bc I am about to be so broke next semester #but then that fucks up publication options down the line so. probs not. #that's the hard thing about having skills that people are trying to replace with genAI slop ig #is I need to start saving like hell if I don't wanna move back in with my folks #but also. the job market [gestures exhaustedly] #anyway don't mind me I'm just sitting here thinking out loud today #epub format is a hell of a drug apparently!!

[milflewis]

hello i love my forensic psychologist lecturer so much she is So Weird and deeply feral she gives the vibe of a falling apart toaster and is incapable of finishing a class on time she is a raccoon in a bin living in a human’s body

#just met her today. have her at 9am on monday morning rip but i will do it for her!!! #also she hates the justice and criminal system here AND thinks drugs should be legalised AND spent ten minutes giving out that the banks get #away with destroying lives but so many less privileged ppl get fucked over for smth so small and inconsequential #AND she kept putting such an emphasis on that there are so many factors that go into someone committing a crime and nearly all ppl who do #are ppl who are trying to survive in a world that hasn’t or isn’t kind to them and i just . yes #she focuses on rehabilitation over punishment thank God #the other guy is a fucking prick and i’m so glad i don’t have him lmao #diary posting

[yeonban]

Being in Tobias' mind is such an intriguing experience bc you'd typically expect him to only care about getting richer and richer for riches' sake like most other "villains" do, but all he wants is excitement, fun and the feeling of being alive. He couldn't care less if his life were to be put at stake, nor if his entire wealth were to vanish overnight. Sure, he's confident he could get it all back if it ever happened, but it also shows what money is to him. A means to an end, rather than the goal to strive for

#muse: tobias. #At the end of the day he's using that money to have FUN rather than for power or influence or what have you that maddens people #and it Shows bc I've glanced over some of his former threads and he fr just. offered to buy an entire clothing line for a blond woman #NOT because he wanted her favor; but simply bc he wanted to see what her REACTION to it would be. for funsies and whimsies #Does he do what will bring him most money? Sure. Does he do it FOR the money? Naww #If he had to do smth he disliked or didn't felt like doing; he would Not do it even if money was on the line. Exceptions: indebting people #If anything he'd think putting that money on a hook and dangling it in front of bosses (re: leaking that there's a chance to gain it) #while simultaneously getting in their way would be a x100 funnier experience. And usually it'd still end up bringing him $$$ #I'm trying to remember what he's used his money for thus far and tbh it's been the usual (drinks-drugs-cigars-luxury) AND pampering others #except I??? realized a while back that he's Never gotten drunk. NEVER. so all that money goes moreso into subtly manipulating people #He's even willing to forgive their debts at his owned bars & clubs as long as he imagines that way's going to end up more exciting #I feel like he's one of those bosses people would prefer to have over the alternatives bc it feels Easier to deal w him than live in fear #which is fascinating bc it's true that Tobias isn't bloodthirsty and /can/ be counted on; but imo it's scarier to not know what tf he wants #Bro jumped out of a window and waited for Gevanni to catch him just to give that man an experience resembling a heart attack LIKE. 😭😭😭 #It's good if you can manage to /befriend/ Tobias bc it means you're safe from him... but if you get in /other/ trouble then it's a 50/50 #if he'll help you or find it more amusing to watch til the last second. Altho ig AT LEAST he'll intervene before things get Too bad for you #If you're not friends w him/he doesn't find you entertaining & it's too much effort to help you tho... sayonara.

[filmnoirsbian]

Ok well not to be the annoying DC Comics Fan but I finally saw The Batman and I was not impressed 😒

#tcp #im so down w emo Bruce not having his shit together and all but he should have been way younger for that. like 19. #and i HATE how they did selina rip miss kravitz ur everything but they did u and my girl so dirty 😔 i hate how they did batcat too ugh #putting sex work drug addiction and mental illness on the same moral level as corrupt cops/govt officials/mobsters...ok #i did enjoy some things like i loved the noir feel and such and if u enjoyed it ignore me being a hater lmao i just. was hoping for smth #better and tbh idk why i havent truly enjoyed a film bruce since michael keaton

[maschotch]

for the ask of “why did reid still think he was SA’d by lindsay/cat even when it came out cat was pregnant with another dudes baby” my understanding of it is like they never really said (i think) that she made the whole plan up and it wasn’t real, only that the prison guard got her pregnant. i think it’s still fully possible he was SA’d by lindsay and either she couldn’t get what cat needed (sperm) or she did and it was an unsuccessful pregnancy attempt. still awful way the writers handled a possible rape 0/10 hate those dudes and wish they talked AT ALL about his emotional state after a forced relapse it’s literally RIGHT THERE but anyways

occasionally they’ve alluded to main characters being sexually assaulted: elle w the fisher king, hotch w foyet, nearly jj w hastings… but they’ve never really committed (other than morgan, but it was in the past and they dont spend a lot of time on it). i dont necessarily blame them.. its a serious fucking topic (that they throw around a lot tbh since it happens to half the victims on this show) and they’d have to be careful showing the mental/emotional aftermath

but the “maybe they did maybe they didnt 🤔” cheeky attitude they had w spencer and cat felt incredibly disrespectful aldhakdh it really felt like they were reaching for ways to make the arc more dramatic without having to deal with the consequences. definitely not the first time its happened on the show, and its not even the first time its happened to reid. it just feels so fucking insensitive that it really grates my nerves every time i get to that part

theres a lot (a LOT) i dont like about the cat adams/prison arcs. its a bad concept executed worse that did nothing for his character. like thjs whole show is obviously copaganda, but this season always makes my stomach turn. its too much and its not worth it. the plot points are cheap, unoriginal, and written without any consideration for spencer reid as a character.. maybe some people enjoy it or like to explore the topics on their own (like the possibility of reid being assaulted or his forced relapse—the one thing that actually wouldve been interesting ab this fucjing arc that they just completely ignored) fixing it in their minds the way i do for the rest of the show. but for me these seasons are too far gone. its unsalvageable and ive done perfectly well putting it out of my mind entirely. maybe someone else has the patience to analyze it, but im hard pressed to like reid arcs even in season one. its not for me

#i dont like reid arcs at the best of times #and this is rock fucking bottom #god bless reid girls for putting up w this shit… yall r so brave #asks #cm crit #sa mention #its beyond fixing so i just pretend none of it happened #its definitely a copout but i think it says something that i can watch the rest of the show just fine without that season #i remember watching jt for the first time… i think i vaguely knew what was going to happen? id seen it around or smth #but when they started it in mexico?? and that being the reason so much of it got fucked?? aldhksj its a fucking joke #they thought they were so clever w the orange filter and their shady drug shit #truly sickening… #and the fact that spencer brought it upon himself???? #risking everything for medicine that doesnt even work that diana doesnt even want that they stop taking anyway?? #its a mess #how am i supposed to feel sorry for reid when his pwn ableism got him into this shit #the ONLY interesting thing was the forced relapse and they never fucking ever talk about it

[void-selfships-archive]

Ok I just FINALLY finished bojack horseman after taking a very long break from it cuz it was not good for my depression BUT!!! I was strong enough to finish it and I’ve followed this blog for years and I know you self ship with bojack but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a post explaining how you fit into that world?? Like, what’s your role, how did you and bojack meet, how does your story grow along with the others? AND!! Woooo, “the view from halfway down” episode was. Wow. How would you/your s/i (idk which one you use) react to all that? Are YOU maybe the one bojack calls instead of Diane? Do you/your s/i have their own “view from halfway down” episode? Sorry if this is a lot but I’m back into this show now and I’d love to know your role in the whole thing. :)

SOBBING CRYING SHAKING RN HOLY SHIT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW EXCITED I GOT SEEING THIS FJEJCJEJXJS

Also i get having to take breaks with this show bc if you aren't doing well it will NOT be good for you fjekwjcje I'm on my 4th (5th?) Rewatch rn after like a year (it's a comfort show) [ALSO VIEW FROM HALFWAY DOWN POG??? <- (my top favorite episode)]

BUT ALSO IM. SO GLAD YOU ASKED BC I HAVE SO MUCH LORE FOR THIS MFCKER AND IM TOO NERVOUS TO TALK ABT IT WITHOUT BEING PROMTED !!!

I'm gonna put everything under the cut for SPOILER REASONS but also PLEASE read the tags just in case!!! We're talking abt the mfckin CANON timeline I have for my self insert shits depressing as hell (also I hope I generally explained everything fjejcjdh bad at doing that smtimes)

I'm almost glad I'm not talking abt the Childhood friends au bc its SO softcore like wheres the angst bestie? But also damn. Why all the angst in the canon tl? Chill OUT /lh

Generally the canon tl follows the show pretty accurately, aside from the fact that IM there and a few things r obviously different

I met him in a bar during the 90s! It was one of those "Oh we're both actors! Pog." And we basically drank together and trauma-bonded. They quickly become good friends (It was funny, considering the first thing we said to eachother was "oh you look familiar" and "YOU'RE THAT GUY FROM THAT SHOW I WATCH!" Truly the start of a wonderful friendship.)

And, I basically stayed around him. The Whole Time- through Herb getting fired and both of our shows ending and various depressive episodes (on both ends), parent funerals and hallowern parties and benders and awful horrible shows that definitely should never be mentioned nor have been put on air.

And weird one night stands with eachother that never get brought up the next day (or at all for that matter) just to keep things from being weird.

So I've known him for awhile, and I've stuck around for awhile, basically a ride or die friend (with a tiny little crush that I'm not acknowledging) that's my role, the Yearning Best Friend- so cringe but it works out in the end.

I think, major event wise, everything still happened the same. It's right until S4 when things are, a little different? (Not by much though)

When he heads to his old family summer home he invites me to come with (I also didn't think itd be smart to leave him alone) and through that entire trip he told me about Horsin Around and his family and at a point a drunken rant abt New Mexico that neither of us remembered in the morning. (It was a bonding trip, definitely the start of Feelings too) we start dating in the middle of that season (specifically when we all got trapped underground, you confess a lot when you think you're going to die)

So naturally, S5 is different too, he's not dating Gina in that season, but everything still happens the same otherwise. (Of course I knew something was off the whole time, you don't stay friends with someone for several years and NOT notice when something's off, motherfucker wouldnt *talk* to me though, and when he did it was to tell me someone was trying to sabotage the show and of course you cant have two paranoid mfers under the same roof, they just end up fueling eachother until it's too late and something horrible happens)

And something horrible happened, and Diane told me about what she thought happened in New Mexico, and I'm thinking "I feel like I've heard this story before." And then Bojack tells me what happened in New Mexico and then he choked his co-star and hes going to rehab and everything is obviously too much and I tell him I can't visit of course, because theres a lot of information i need to process, but I'll still write and I'll still text and watch over the house while he's gone since I practically live there at this point but I cant see him rn.

And I didn't! Until he got out of rehab, of course and it was back to "Bojack and Jackson against the world!" And "Let's move! Go somewhere different get a change of scenery!" And we did. He got that job at the university and I! Stayed with him, ever the loyal boyfriend. (Until in getting calls from a reporter and suddenly we're trying to figure out what shitty thing he did before the reporter calls and Oh. It's about Sarah Lynn and Oh!! Thus is certainly new information I wasn't told about! Fuck.)

After the interview- the second one- it was...complicated. I didn't want to leave but i also recognized that i needed to. For now, to let him deal with the aftermath of his mistakes because if he came to me- and he did- he'd be looking for reassurances I couldn't give him. We got into a really bad argument, it was moreso implied that we weren't dating anymore, neither of us said it but we both walked away and that was the last time we spoke.

It's so funny that you asked abt The View From Halfway Down because I was literally just thinking about that episode the other day and if he would've called me and not Diane and honestly! Yea. He did! Tho he called me. Twice that day, once before, after he left Angela's house, and again before he got back in the pool- I picked up the first time but he was pretty much incomprehensible and I couldn't pick up the second time so when I called back and he didn't answer I was. Quick to panic. (I was right for being worried too, all things considered)

And then he went to jail. And we didn't see eachother again until PC's wedding (bonded a lot with her, during that break up period. It was hard y'know? But she got it. Also I was Helping Babysit with Todd, she was rlly making me rethink my opinion on adopting a kid)

We didn't start dating right away tho, but we did start hanging out again? So that was a bonus!

#oh my GOD ok im sorry parts of this are longer than others my brain was like RAMBLE TIME but also NO KING ITS ALREADY TOO LONG #the canon tl is a lot worst bc its realistic abt our relationship? angst at 100 but thats just how it should be #usually my art isnt apart of the canon tl. its either for the childhood friends pack or a Good Ending tl #good ending pack: where my general presence skips over certain major plot events but not too many where its suddenly the PERFECT Outcome. #srry im rambling in the tags cjdjcjdj #ty for letting me talk abt the tl srry if its...jumbled? while my s/i has the most lore out of all of them. im still bad at talking abt it #in a coherent manner #also! dont think Jack would have his own view from halfway down or at least if he did #its bc he joined Bo.jack in his near death experience which i haven't actually thought abt until now? definitely smth to think abt :0!!!! #fjfjdhf rambling srry- ty again! i love talking abt them sm #♡: i love you mr. blue #☆ask #tw alcohol mention #tw drug mention #tw death mention #ask 2 tag #☆lets put a pin in it

[nokikissa]

sdfghhjd trying to book a time for a drug test through phone because the job i applied for requires it and being bounced around from one person to another why is this so difficuuuult.

#called the number I was given had to call few times cos I guess I was calling at a time when people are at lunch or smth #when they answered they had to look some stuff up and be like oh I actually gotta transfer you to this different person #they didn't answer right away either but called me back #asked them like can I do the test at any location of this specific company or do i gotta travel all the way to where to job would be #they weren't sure so they were like uhh if it's okay I'll put a call notice for the person who does them so like they'll know how it works #and will call you tomorrow morning about it #I hope I'll be able to do it in any location cos otherwise it is time for another +4 hours one way travelings #if i need to go there i'll prooobably just like go to my parents again and idk bring some of my stuff with me #as like it seems very much that if I pass the drug test (which i absolutely should I'm a boring person) I get the job #oh godd gotta start looking for apartment at that part of finland I guess??? #gotta move all my shit there somehow???? #pointless text post is pointless

[metropoliseaten]

Whenever ppl do anything like. ‘quirky’ or ‘random’ in either a funny or scary way and the first response is to be like omg what drugs are you on or like jesus you’re acting like a tweaker like. Get a different joke? It’s past midnight so this isn’t well thought out and I’m sure other ppl already said it better but like jeez drugs do not exist just for comedy or shock value and addicts r real people? Get a grip. And don’t reblog this plz

#not mad at anyone here i know better than to vague where people can see it #and also i hope this doesn’t come across as ‘guy with a straight edge tumblr icon talking about how drugs are bad’ i prommy that’s not my #intent. harm reduction all the way pro legalization all the way. this is about ppl who don’t use drugs making bad jokes #it’s also about me being pissed off that my outward whatevers of mental illness are being interpreted like that but that’s smth i’m too #tired to unpack right now; it’s about the reduction shit i’m mad at #and putting this in the tags on a single post is even less useful than a dni but i don’t want followers who make shitty jokes about addicts/ #drug use like hello? get ahold of yourself lol #rant over i don’t like making my own posts on like stances i have n stuff mostly cuz i don’t feel the need to put in the effort to ‘’’educat #e’’’ my <100 followers on topics they probably already agree with in this little leftist bubble but also i want to give the appropriate care #n ig like. seriousness/nuance to topics i think deserve it. but i’m not doing that tonite im just complaining <3

[faerun]

i didn't think 'roaming gang of wild dogs terrorizes the neighborhood' would be something i had to deal with this year but. here we are

#the story ive heard is that the cops busted some drug operation a few streets down and arrested a bunch of ppl #and then just...opened the fence gate and let all of the dogs living in that house go running free??? #or at least didnt try to stop them by calling animal control or smth #the pd here sucks so i wouldnt put it past them #BUT either way now theres a gang of like 5 dogs just running wild and barking at people and riling up other dogs #so thats cool

[vivi849]

FOREVER BY ALEX G IS ACTUALLY SI FYCKING GOOD I CANT EXPRESS THIS ENOUGH LISTENING TO IT ISNT ENOUGH I NEED THIS SONG INSIDE IF ME RIGHT NOW

#forever alex g #alex g #DOES HE PUT DRUGS IN HIS. SONGS OR SMTH

[confetti-critter]

ilove you ill make u a house just you wait n u will be waiting for a while probably sorry

Why's he so charming btw are you seeing this

What should I name it.

#i also want to make like. a mini 'work' area. modeled after my own #sorry in advance to them for making a guy then forcing them to work #i have many ideas as s #usual for better or worse #i can use those little bags for spare buttons (or drugs i guess) and put fabric inside and use sewing thread+paper for pricetags #and mini boxes of the clothes #if i can think of a rock-related pun to spoof on a vendor name we deal with that would be ideal #OOOOOVCIYFXICG THE IDEAS!! SO MANY IDEAS AAAARFGHB *grabs my head like im in pain* #also i was thinking for the shoebox house to cut colourful little paper rectangles and paste them on the side of the house like brick #so on my walk today i was literally thinking of googling 'masonry patterns' for inspo #ill make windows with plastic and sew little curtains #i can buy some air dry clay or smth for a bathtub and plates #build a pointed roof with attic store some stuff up there (make xmas+halloween decorations?) #origami paper as wallpaper #little bookshelf with little books #little beds with foam mattresses and blankets and little pillows #ok aaaaaaa theres too many ideas :( #personable

[kiwiisacake]

i hate it when ppl are better at drawing than me, and then i remember that i've been doing it for twice the time as them.

and ppl wonder y i give up so easily

#ahhhhhhhhhhhh #i should probably just continue to do what i'm good at #like my post or i'll cry or smth idk #i wanna put an obscene amount of tags but i'm lazy so this is all you get #don't forget to do your drugs kids

[toorurs]

to love is to learn

synopsis: aventurine is still unexposed to the many concepts of this world. but that doesn't mean he won't try to get to know them if it's for you.

pairing: aventurine x reader | wordcount: 1.0k | content & warnings: hurt/comfort, insecure aventurine, established relationship, my ass wrote this in an hour and its super late rn i just wanna upload this and my lazy ass did NOT proofread this + im on mobile so hell, kinda HELLA rushed ; ficlet

a/n: just the other day me and azul were talking about what body parts of aven would be sensitive and we got to his collarbone and azul said that he thinks that it'd be super evident so i pointed out that it might be cause he was used to starvation and barely ate even when he got to the ipc/had the chance to do so. SO I JUST HAD TO WRITE SMTH.

tags: @azullumi

aventurine shudders under your touch. your nimble fingers trace across his collarbone, featherlight movements, touch so delicate, it makes him tremble.

the pads of your digits lightly dance across his clavicle, one finger turns into two. your index swiftly slides over the pale skin that separates the bone that lies underneath. while your thumb starts inching closer the neckline of his satin pajama, diving beneath. at that he can't help but flinch.

“oh god.” he laughs out. “someone's being touchy today.” his voice is filled with joy. hearing, seeing, knowing that aventurine has fun around you, makes you crave for more. his laugh is an intoxicating drug. something that you'll always long for, absorbing it until every part of your body is stained with the tantalising essence and puts you to your demise.

you don't stop your actions, instead continuing to glide your fingers along his delicate body. “sorry, for i couldn't help it!” a giggle escapes your mouth.

“i just thought about how pretty it is.” you let out a small hum.

“my collarbone? pretty, how come?” he's confused, what is the beauty you see within his body?

his body is fragile. it's a hollow shell he carries around. ugly and not worthy of your attention even less your admiration, abused and marked in burns. when the digits that he carries around like a sacred body part of his, roughly engraved on his neck, come in contact with any kind of substance, liquid or his own fingers. he's reminded of the mishap his body was or rather is in. how it was abused and dragged through the mud.

putting his calloused fingers around the tattoo, stings. the touch lingers like a nostalgic scent which still remains on an old piece of clothing, one that has never been washed so the smell never fades away. it burns up at the slightest touch. hurting just as much as when it was freshly inflicted onto his young body.

kakavasha doesn't even know what he looks like. the only person he sees in the mirror is aventurine. sure he walked past puddles of dirty rain back in his childhood, reflecting his younger self, but the images are vague and blurry. he doesn't know what kakavasha looks like and he probably never will.

and neither do you. the only thing you have in front of you right now is aventurine. a shattered soul that doesn't know where it belongs. his being consists of a thousand fragments, they're scattered thoughts that are similar to broken mirror shards.

they reflect the tales of his heart and reveal its greatest desire. mirroring those untold stories like the surface of the water. thoughts and wishes that are full of pureness, almost childlike.

the broken pieces that make up the man who's named aventurine long for a haven which he can call a safe space - a home. but on the other hand he thinks that he's not permitted to find such a place, that he's not allowed to stay, undeserving of it.

“no particular reason. i just like the way it stands out, it's easy to find and trace.” the words that roll off your tongue sting. they probably hurt as much as a paper cut you've received as a little kid, but it's not like kakavasha knows or is able to relate - he didn't get to grow up like the other children. but he can't blame you, you're oblivious to his past.

his body has gone through physical and emotional abuse. beat ups, labor or starvation. the reason why his collarbone is so evident, the face you adore is so slim, and his rips slightly poke through his body, is all because kakavashas hunger has never been satisfied and the dryness in his throat has never been quenched.

even after he put on the mask of the man who calls himself aventurine - a wealthy man, who’s a member of the ten stone hearts that makes more money than he spends, he's still reluctant when it comes to eating. of course he could buy all the delicacies that kakavasha never got to try - never even knew, but he hesitates.

the concept of chewing and swallowing the bits is still something aventurine can't befriend himself with. it's unfamiliar - he's not used to it, the feeling of a full stomach, what it's like to be satisfied after a meal. it's something foreign to him, a feeling he's not sure he'll ever get accustomed to.

he doesn't think he deserves to eat. to know what it feels like to be full, the rumbling that comes from his stomach is the one he grew up with is what brought him here. he fears that if he gets too comfortable with something or someone he'll forget who he is.

a lost soul that mourns after the past, but saved itself from the dark abyss, freeing itself. not allowing himself to get too close, always keeping everyone that comes near him at an arm's length. worrying he might grow too attached.

so why is he still here? here with you, chattering happily and conversing freely, he doesn't deserve it - he doesn't deserve you.

but is it wrong to be selfish for once? he knows the answer already: it is. but he can't help it, not when you coax him into this position, one which he can't leave, no matter how hard he tries.

“i love you.” you trace the letters along his neck, over the tattoo that is engraved on his skin.

you don't need a verbal answer to know that he feels the same way. perhaps, he himself hasn't realized it yet but he's conveyed his love for you many times already. just like now as he continues to lie in bed with you.

the both of you are oblivious, but that doesn't mean that either of you will stop in your tracks, turn back and leave. (even though he sometimes wishes to do so)

both satisfaction and love are two unfamiliar concepts for aventurine. but he'll try to get to know them. for the sake of you.

© TOORURS 2024. stealing, copying, translating, reposting my works on other platforms is not permitted.

#toorurs #hsr #honkai star rail #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #aventurine x reader #aventurine hsr #hsr aventurine #aventurine imagines #kakavasha x reader #aventurine fluff #kakavasha fluff #aventurine

[vidtape]

congrats everybody whos been here since i made this blog youve witnessed the rise and fall of my affection for this One Guy, the height of my affection for Her, the rise in frequency of my manic episodes, the worsening of my alcohol addiction and the start of my substance abuse phase and tomorrow you'll be live with me when i finally get checked for allergies

#on god i feel terrible. i took something and then went to her and i cant tell if shes mad at me or not bc i started feeling v bad physically #and she made me take a shower and gave me clothes and bought me food and talked to me and i couldnt fucking remember the name of the pills #i feel so. useless oh my god. and ive totally put her in a situation and i feel bad about it and i didnt want that i thought it wasnt going #to be so bad it never went like this. girl help i feel stupid as fuck #playback #tw alcohol ment #tw drug ment #anyways im hoping to get checked for cat hair and like. dust in particular and also the standard stuff like pollen #hope to god im not allergic to like. trees or smth or my own fucking hair