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#they're also pretty young and I sure didn't know my sexuality at their age
creedslove · 5 months
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WHO KNEW? 💍💔 - PART TWO
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No outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader
"You took my hand, you showed me how
You promised me you'd be around (...)
I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me (...)
If someone said three years from now, you'd be long gone, I'd stand up and punch them out, 'cause they're all wrong
I know better, 'cause you said forever, and ever, who knew?"
Summary: even against your wishes, your bond with the Millers straightens and a series of events causes you and Joel to get closer, enough to spike the fear of falling again for him
• This is the second part of Who Knew? 💍💔 Which was also inspired by this amazing HEADCANON request
Warnings: angst, broken hearts, mentions of divorce, mentions of infidelity, fluff, age gap (Joel is four to five years older than reader and the time skip is 12 to 14 years (Sarah's age) but feel free to imagine whatever you want), house breaking, protective Joel, sexual tension
A/N: so besties, I've been obsessed with this idea, and I hope you enjoy it as well! I mean, I've been writing a little more than 1k words a day, there were some parts I thought were good and some were not so good, as a final result, I don't know, I really hope you all enjoy it my lovelies! It's so hard to resist Joel, isn't it?
10.4k words
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If someone told you one day, after a decade of being divorced from Joel due to the huge heartbreak he put you through, your bond with the Millers would straighten once more, you would stand up and punch them out. It was so ridiculously absurd to think you would become closer to the man who chewed you up and spat you out and even if he had indeed changed and was a better person, wasn't enough to make you forget what happened. Yes, you had forgiven him, but not forgotten what went on between the two of you, and even if a part of you desperately begged you to stay away and never talk to Joel again, destiny was pretty ironic at its doings and made you and his daughter, Sarah, become friends. You didn't mean to, and you were sure that if it were up to him, he wouldn't have said yes either, but you never knew she was his daughter and he never knew his daughter's friend was… well, you.
After he did some working at your home, he had asked you out, which you actually considered, but then dismissed the idea completely, there was no way you would put yourself through that again, even if he was even more handsome than when he was young, even if he did make your heart race and pound like you were some inexperienced teenager and even if late at night before falling asleep you closed your eyes and replayed in your mind the last kiss you cherished. Even if you focused hard enough and could still feel his warmth, the heavy grip of his hand on your waist, the way his beard that now was sprinkled with grays here and there scratched your skin and how Joel Miller still had the best kiss you'd ever tried. For a moment it had felt so right, even if it was wrong, and a hidden part of you, the part that just maybe didn't despise Joel that much often allowed you to wonder what would actually happen if you had given him a chance to take you out, would it have been really that bad? You would've gone somewhere to drink or grab something to eat, hang out, perhaps even dance and of course you would end up in Joel's bed, hardly any woman would pass up this opportunity. For a moment you wish it could've been that way, but unfortunately, you and Joel were done. After you turned him down you still shared a last kiss and then you both went back to your own lives, the only thing that connected the two of you in the past was the failed marriage you had just as the only thing that connected the two of you in the present was Sarah.
She was the loveliest girl you'd ever met in your life, so smart and sweet, always kind to everyone, responsible and even if you had had problems with her dad, you couldn't help but feel sorry for her and the fact her own mother didn't want to be around; it sounded crazy to you that woman could give up her chance of being the mother of a wonderful little girl like Sarah, even if Joel had killed any kind of desire of getting involved with someone to the point of building up a family. Not to mention Joel himself, he was a handsome, hard-working man, and he had been a good husband before Angela ruined your life. You knew she wasn't the only one to blame, Joel was a real dick, but now you certainly had two reasons to hate her: the fact she ruined your marriage and that she abandoned her daughter.
After Joel took over the renovations in your home, Sarah continued coming over and even if you felt sort of guilty from keeping the truth from her, you also knew it wasn't your place to tell her, if anything, you and Joel needed to do it together. You couldn't ruin the perfect image she had of her dad, because he was a great father to her and no one could deny that. Overall, you really enjoyed her presence; it wasn't uncommon for her to tag along during lunch time or spend the afternoon reading on your couch. Sometimes you wondered if she didn't have enough friends to hang out with, after all, Joel was busy throughout the day and any teen would take the opportunity of freedom to do whatever shit they wanted with them without having to give their parents the time of the day, but that didn't make any sense, not with Sarah being a sociable girl like she was, so when the realization that she sort of envisioned you as a motherly figure at some level, you felt quite shocked. If life hadn't pulled some unfunny tricks along your way, she could've easily been yours and Joel's daughter. You tried to shake it off and pretend she didn't see you that way, but looking back at your interactions it was undeniable; Sarah opened up to you about things she certainly didn't with Joel, from the pain of periods, to problems with girl friends and boys. It was amusing until Sarah began questioning you about it, asking you about your love life, past relationships and why you were single. You felt bad about not telling her the whole truth, but it was a complicated situation. Especially when she came up with the idea she really considered it to be genius
"Why don't you date my dad?!"
She asked you one lazy afternoon, making you choke softly at the water you were drinking, looking at her shocked and speechless for a while, her sweet smile was impossible to make you get mad at her, and above all it was a genuine question, she wasn't just messing with you.
"What?! My dad looks good, he works hard and he would make you very happy!" She cheered innocently, which caused your heart to sink.
"No… I wouldn't date your dad, he's incompatible… I mean, we are incompatible, I'm sure we wouldn't get along"
"Why?! Is it because you have more money than us? Dad does say you are way out of his league"
And you were shocked and speechless once more. Joel had talked about you to Sarah? And he had told her you were out of his league? This information should have made you scoff and roll your eyes, and not make your cheeks heat up while you blushed.
"No Sarah, Jesus no! It's got nothing to do with money or anything… I mean, your dad works hard and he should earn more than he does, because he is very dedicated and well, an honest working man like Joel can be worth a lot more than a rich guy, trust me" you sighed as she stared at you intently "but the thing is… I've been married once, I was too young, it was disastrous, it didn't work obviously, I got hurt and well… your dad sort of reminds me of him, my ex-husband I mean… It's hard to explain, but no, I wouldn't date your father"
You hated that you lied to her, well, half lies at least, but you wished you could be honest, Sarah was an important part of your life and it would be a lot easier if you three would come clean about everything that happened; on the other hand, you couldn't even imagine the mess you would make in her poor little head, as it was pretty messy and fucked up for you as well whenever you stopped to think you were friends with your ex-husband's daughter, the one he had with the woman he cheated on you with and that simply walked out and abandoned him. It even sounded made up, so you offered her just the piece of information you could. Sarah reached out to you, taking your hand in hers and caressing your knuckles, she gave you a sympathetic look and nodded
"I'm so sorry… I can't even imagine how you must feel, he didn't deserve you anyway, you can be sure you are way better than him, and well, I am just glad dad isn't like that, he's a nice guy, he would never do such a thing to anyone. I just feel like he deserved more too, you know? That woman… my mom, even if she shouldn't be called that, just broke his heart and disappeared. Uncle Tommy told me she never really wanted to have me in the first place and if it weren't for dad, you know…" She looked down trying to hide the thick sadness that fogged her face and it was your turn to reach to her, taking her hand, but seeing it wasn't enough as you got up and walked to Sarah, giving her a hug.
"I don't know, I just wish dad would find a nice girl like yourself and then he could be happy, I mean, we all could…"
•••
Joel groaned at how annoying his brother really was, he didn't get why Tommy would always pry into his fucking business instead of handling his own life, Joel was a grown man and he didn't need anyone trying to set him up with women or just inviting him out out of pity. He could take care of himself; he didn't need to meet women or be in a relationship, he was fine the way he was, his life was already way too hectic the way it was, whenever he felt lonely he could just pick up some woman at a bar and get laid and then go back to his everyday routine. And yet both Tommy and Sarah kept on getting on his nerves, always suggesting him to one girl or another or trying to drag him on double dates. When Sarah had casually told him to ask you out, completely oblivious to the fact he had already done it and you shut him out, Joel was at a loss of words, he tried playing cool but he couldn't deny the mess his feelings had become. He wasn't sure how to suppress them, not after that one kiss. That must've meant something, you wouldn't just give him a speech of how uninterested you were and how you two would never work out again and then kiss him like that, you probably still had feelings for him, if not feelings, at least desire, and as much as he would love to act on it, he didn't want to force things up, to he pushy and make you uncomfortable. He'd hurt you too many times to learn that if you'd asked him to stay away, he should stay away. Not only that, Tommy was completely onboard with everything you had said, to him, the fact Joel was crushing on his ex-wife more than a decade after breaking her heart was a clear sign of madness. He figured Joel still had feelings for you, even if Tommy wasn't one to settle down, he couldn't understand how his brother went from madly in love with his pretty young wife to a terrible husband and finally the asshole who dumped her for another woman. He knew that the passion Joel felt for Angela was strong, but even more than just a burning passion, lay that undying love he'd felt for you, and he was sure it wouldn't simply go away, which didn't necessarily mean that Joel surrendering to that love was a smart move. Quite the opposite, it was probably the dumbest thing Tommy had ever heard in his entire life. How could Joel even keep any hopes of getting with you again?! It hadn't worked, too many people got hurt and all he wanted was that his brother could actually see that, so he simply discouraged Joel from getting anywhere near you, as if it wasn't bad enough Sarah had been dragged accidentally into this story, he didn't want his brother suffering around. So he set his brother up on a date, something that Joel hated with passion but since he was feeling particularly hopeless that night he ended up accepting it.
He was usually very against being set up on blind dates, but Joel had created a depressing ritual of always going out and grabbing a drink whenever he came across the date that would've marked his wedding anniversary with you. Joel often heard men were forgetful and didn't remember important dates, but he had never been like that, always keeping the important dates fresh in his mind was something common, ever since he was a child, especially when they brought him strong emotions, such as the ones he shared with you. He thought it was a little stupid at first, but he found out that it helped him cope with the guilt and the doubts that always clouded up his mind. He would sit at a bar and wonder where you could be, how your life would have been like and if you ever thought of him. It sort of became his thing, but this year, for the first time, he knew the exact answers to his questions, and it was so odd, he decided to take Tommy's suggestions to go out with a friend of his brother's girlfriend, he didn't really care nor paid attention, he just exchanged numbers with her, showered and got dressed after work and headed for the restaurant.
And just as he had predicted, it had been another disastrous date. Not that the girl wasn't pretty, she was, but she was just exhausting; her conversation was tiring, her subjects were boring and overall, she just wasn't you. Joel didn't understand why he was having it so bad for you, he knew he shouldn't, he should forget about it all and focus on something else, but as much as he tried not to think of you, more he thought of you. It was maddening. He couldn't help himself but compare the two of you: you were prettier, smarter, funnier, you dressed and smelled better than that random stranger he saw himself being forced to have dinner with. And he wished with all his heart you could be on that date with him; if only you gave him just one chance to show you he was a better man, he would never hurt you like he did before, give you a chance to redeem himself and make you happy exactly the way you deserved it, he would be the happiest man in the world. Life wasn't gonna make things easier for him, and deep down, he knew he didn't even deserve it in the first place, so he tried once more paying attention to his date, which didn't last very long and the moment he saw the opportunity to leave, he grabbed it like a life preserver in the middle of the ocean and headed to a bar - alone, and only after paying for the check, after all, Joel Miller was still a gentleman.
Your wedding anniversary had always been a tricky date for you; there were years you went completely unaffected by it and years you felt like dying. For the first time, however, you were closer to Joel than you'd always been in the years before, and because of that, you decided you deserved better than just stay home and have some bland dinner by yourself, you would go out and perhaps meet other people… And your plan went really smoothly for a while; you got to a nice bar, dressed nicely, dragging some male attention towards you and even got paid a drink by a handsome stranger who waved from afar. It felt like a promising night, until Joel Miller walked in and looked for a table, and he looked devilish handsome as he did so. You bit your lips feeling the alcohol rushing towards one direction at the same time you censored yourself: no matter how lonely and needy you were feeling nor how handsome he was, you couldn't simply feel the hots for him. As if he'd just read your mind, Joel turned around, his eyes falling right on you, his gaze softened up and you saw him running his tongue through his lips, deciding whether or not to walk towards you.
Of course he did it.
The moment he approached, Joel noticed the sadness in your eyes and he was sure you were the for the exact same reason he was, and it was just another motive to get closer to you; taking the chair next to you, he asked the bartender for a drink and as soon as he had it in hands, he stared at you.
"Happy wedding anniversary, darling" he tilted his glass against yours, as you just nodded and took a long sip.
"Happy wedding anniversary, handsome" you replied in a mockery tone using the old nickname you used for him. Handsome was a word that really described him, your Joel. He had always been a handsome man, but how well time treated him was impressive to say the least. He looked so good, he was bigger, broad and stronger. His dark hair had become a little grayer, just like a few patches all over his beard, and that suited him like a damn velvet glove. The way his shirt hung tight around his shoulders and down his arms, eyes lingering on him for way too long, as a warmth spread through your cheek and Joel chuckled
"Funny how you still blush when I'm around… Exactly like old times" he grinned and took another sip of his drink, which was enough to break you free from the spell you were under.
"What are you doing here? I thought I'd made myself pretty clear, Joel" you sighed and stared down into your glass.
"I'm doing the same as you are, darling… I'm thinking about all the bad decisions I made in life. You have been pretty clear, I ain't going to bother you, but I just missed you… it's so weird to see Sarah getting home everyday so excited over you, talking about how nice and awesome you are and I have to pretend not to know about it"
"Yeah? And you think it's easy for me to spend the whole afternoon listening to her talking about what an amazing dad you are? How you are awesome but very unlucky to have had your heartbroken by her mom?" You raised your eyebrow and chuckled
"She really say that?" Joel's expression showed a slight shock "she said I was an amazing dad?!"
You tilted your head at his surprise and bit your lips, perhaps it was just the drinks you had that softened you up a little, but when you saw it, you placed your hand on his arm and shook your head
"Yeah? Why are you so surprised? You are an amazing dad, Joel… that girl loves you more than anything in the world, she idolizes you, of course, she thinks you work too much and that you could both spend some more time together, but other than that, it's clear you are a great father. I was very surprised when we met again, to see your change, I never really thought you would become a better person, not after what happened, but it's nice to see Sarah changed that" you smiled softly at him, and that just melted Joel's rough heart, he immediately took your hand before you could move it away and caressed your knuckles softly, his gaze still making you pathetically shy, as he pursed his lips and you remembered how good they've always felt on your own and also all over your body.
"You know she also sees you as a mother figure, right?!"
"Yeah, I was reluctant to admit it at first, but she does… I guess she needed that, you know? A woman she could talk to about girl stuff, things she cannot talk to her dad or her uncle Tommy" you smiled "I really like Sarah and I'm very glad you allow us to be friends, I understand it is a really odd situation for you, as it is for me, but I like her a lot… you know, if things had been different, she could've been my daughter… our daughter" you sighed "things could've been different Joel… you know what made so hard for me to forgive you? It's not exactly you falling for Angela, of course, rejection hurts a lot, but sometimes it happens, sometimes you fall for someone you shouldn't have, but what still breaks my heart is that you lied to me, you played with me instead of coming clean. You just kept me around even if you didn't want me anymore, so just you would have a comfortable option in case it didn't work with her, and that was what made me feel worse… it made me feel unworthy, because you could still have been considerate of me and just break things up before it all happened" you shrugged
"Darling, I-" he squeezed your hand tighter but you pulled it away
"I'm not trying to make you upset or anything, all I am saying is that things could have been different between us, they should have been at least, if not staying married, having a child and building a family together, then at least having your honesty…"
"What can I do so you forgive me?" Joel asked, his voice breaking a little as he tried to hide the emotion growing at any minute.
"I've already forgiven you Joel, I already told you that… but I can't forget what happened, it will always haunt me" you sighed "too many things happened and as much as I had loved you, I think I would never be able to trust you"
"Please, I have changed, it kills me to know I've hurt you so much, I wish I could go back in time and undo everything that I did.. please, darling" Joel begged you with those brown soft eyes, his hand cupping your cheek in a warm caress and even if you closed your eyes and leaned into his touch for a while, you knew you couldn't let yourself fall into his touch, because if you did, there would be no turning back.
"If Angela returned today, Joel… imagine if she came back and tried claiming you and Sarah, would you still care about me? Because I don't see this happening, Joel. Honestly, what I think is that you want me because you feel bad about what happened and because you couldn't have who you really wanted…"
His expression was indecipherable and for a second you thought he would say something, but all he did was pull you closer, gluing your lips together in an urgent kiss, you could've fought it, but you didn't; instead, you kissed him back, taking your hands into his curls and tugging at them more and more each time Joel pulled you even closer.
Only when the two of you broke the kiss, he looked into your eyes, his thumb stroking your bottom lip gently
"There isn't anyone I want but you, I never stopped loving you, darling… even when Angela was around, she couldn't compare to you" his words shattered your heart, as much as you wanted to believe that, you still couldn't. You grabbed his hand and sighed
"Don't do this again, Joel, please. You've ruined too many things for me already…" you got up and said goodbye "we can't, you know it"
"What have I ruined for you, darling? Tell me and I'll fix it, please"
You chuckled sad and shrugged
"Joel, you even ruined Queen for me'
You walked away from him, leaving him there with his drink and his thoughts, a puzzled look out of confusion in his face trying to figure out exactly what the hell you meant by that. Just as he saw you disappear out of the door, he realized what meant as he paid attention to the lyrics of the song playing in background:
"Love of my life, you hurt me
You've broken my heart
And now you leave me
Love of my life, can't you see (...)"
And even if Joel wanted to be rational and convince himself he'd lost you for good, his heart still insisted on wanting what he couldn't have.
•••
Your car parked in Joel's driveway was the last thing he expected to see that night, after working excruciatingly and failing his promise of getting home earlier to have dinner with his daughter. He knew Sarah was probably waiting, disappointed but also used to it, full of having some sandwich or any other snack she could find. He cursed himself for getting so caught up at work, he didn't mean to, but he had done it again, after all, he had to attend an important meeting with a possible new client and then he would need to wait for the arrival of a bunch of materials that had been delayed for weeks, and even if he knew his daughter was safe with you, he still felt upset to have not given her the attention she needed. However, you had never been to his house before, that was something that you established from the very beginning and when he kissed you at the bar a couple of weeks ago, Joel was certain that was the end of seeing you, occasionally or not. He was sure you'd never shut Sarah out, you liked her for real, and she reciprocated the feelings; besides, you were a decent enough human being who knew you didn't have to mix things up. So, the fact you were indeed at his home, was concerning to him, who parked and immediately left, getting inside wanting to see what was going on. The moment the door opened in one hard swing, you got off the couch and walked to your ex-husband
“Hey Joel” you said, a little shy, suddenly, the fact you were standing in the middle of his home uninvited made you extremely embarrassed, as it felt you were somehow intruding on his intimacy. Since the divorce Joel had moved into a new house, bigger and cozier, a nice backyard with a decent swimming pool was something that drew your attention; you smiled at yourself, knowing how much Joel loved swimming, so it made your heart warm to see he had accomplished something that seemed quite small, but it meant a lot to you.
At first, when you saw the house, you couldn't help but be invaded by a furious jealousy of the possibility Joel had built that house for her, Angela, instead of you. Luckily, Sarah clarified he only started to build it when she was a toddler and that Tommy helped him, and that's why he often crashed there. You chuckled to yourself, that was typical of Tommy, but overall you felt proud of Joel and everything he achieved, you knew he had potential and it was great that he actually worked on it.
“Where's Sarah?!” He asked with worry and called her name once more, louder this time, frowning as you shushed him.
“I'm sorry I'm here, but she had a fever felt sick, I wanted to call you but she asked me not to an-” you were cut off by Joel simply climbing up the stairs and heading straight to Sarah's room, he felt a mix of guilt and worry weighing in his heart at the fact his baby daughter was sick and he couldn't be there for her. He barged into her room, normally, that would be enough to startle her, but instead, he found her peacefully asleep, clung tight to her pillow, dressed in her regular PJs. He touched her forehead wanting to check her temperature, but luckily her skin wasn't warm anymore. He looked at the door and found you there, arms folded and looking like you wanted to say something else, and then he just realized how rude he'd actually been to you by simply walking away and letting you talk to a brick wall. He placed a gentle kiss on his daughter's forehead and closed the door behind him.
“I'm sorry darling, I was worried and you should've called me…”
“It's okay, Joel… as I was saying, I wanted to call you, but Sarah asked me not to, she said you were having an important meeting and you would be home soon, anyway” you licked your lips as you realized he was extremely late and probably feeling so guilty about it all.
“You know, she was at my place and she was feeling a little down, at first I thought she was just upset because she wasn't invited to Melissa's party an-”
“That girl is a bitch” Joel said angrily and in such a defensive way that it was both cute he was so protective of his daughter at the same time it sounded hilarious to see him cursing another teenage girl. However, you had to agree with him, Melissa was indeed a bitch.
“Yeah, I know right?! Anyway, I noticed Sarah was burning up with fever and since she didn't want me to call you, I decided to bring her home and stay with her. So I asked her to take a cool shower, gave her some tylenol and made her some chicken soup with the things I found in your kitchen…” you both went downstairs and stopped in his living room. You tried not paying attention to how good your ex-husband looked after his long hour shift; his sweaty shirt so tight against his broad chest, his messy hair and that stressed attitude that would always melt away with a very intense orgasm.
“You made soup?!” Joel frowned a little shocked and interrupted your drifting thoughts.
“Y-yeah, why? Did I do bad?”
“No” Joel smiled softly and shook his head “not at all, it's just that… I haven't had your food in so long and you've always been a good cook, that's all” the nostalgia he felt was so big and it also warmed your heart, nodding at him “well, I made some more in case you wanted to have dinner too, it's in the kitchen, you can help yourself if you'd like…” you offered him and grabbed your purse “can you call me tomorrow and let me know if Sarah is better?”
Joel grabbed your arm gently and shook his head
“Don't go, not yet… just have dinner with me, talk to me for a while, I promise I won't try to kiss you or anything. Just keep me company, it's rare to have people over, it's usually Sarah and I and usually Tommy, but when they are out, it's just me” he looked at you with a sad expression, and you understood perfectly: loneliness.
Coming back home to an empty bed at night. Not having anyone to rely on, to hold, to give you support and affection, to make love. So you nodded and smiled at him, sitting down with him at the table and grabbed yourself a plate, giggling at how hungry he really was, eating as if he hadn't seen food in months. He raised his eyes at you and stopped chewing, blushing as you wouldn't stop staring.
“You know, you and Sarah have the same sad puppy eyes when you are sick?!” Joel raised his eyebrow at you and you laughed softly “same red teary eyes, sniffing as someone takes care of you, it's actually adorable”
“You think I'm adorable?!”
“Adorable isn't exactly what you are Joel…” you said letting your eyes wandering all over him and having your ex-husband to smirk at you
“Yeah? You think I'm attractive?”
“You know you are attractive, Joel, now shut up and eat” you frowned softly and had dinner with him; it was a pleasant moment, spending some time together, without any talks about the divorce or the past, just two old acquaintances who perhaps had some kind of feelings for each other and shared a meal together. There weren't accusations, apologies or tears, just mundane, regular conversations and laughter. It was nice to have that moment with Joel, as you both progressed in a conversation about your lives and how things had changed over the years, truly catching up instead of arguing. When the subjected revolved around Sarah again, your ex-husband couldn't contain his curiosity anymore:
“You never wanted kids, darling?”
You looked down at your empty plate, a glimmer of sadness crossing your eyes as you shook your head and stared at him
“Not after you, Joel… I used to want a kid, before, when we were together, but not anymore. I feel it's too late for me now, even if I'm still young, it just feels impossible, you know?”
Joel's hand rested on top of yours, he caressed it very gently and looked at you. He sighed knowing exactly what you meant, knowing you actually meant having a baby together and of course he blew it once more. He couldn't even describe the remorse he felt, even if you had spent the past half an hour having a rare moment of bliss tougher, he knew he would never be able to erase what had happened between the two of you. He wished he had a chance to do so, but deep inside, even if he did, he knew the damage had been done.
“It's alright, Joel…” you said shyly and got up as you picked the plates and piled them in the sink, he immediately walked to you,
“Let me handle the dishes, it's the least I can do, you know… after you took care of my daughter and cooked for us. I'm sure Sarah loved it, we aren't used to having homemade food” he chuckled as you nodded
“Yeah, I figured, that's why I decided to make something else…” you said as you walked to the oven and opened it, showing Joel the freshly baked batch of chocolate chips cookies. He widened his eyes like a child and smiled big.
“This is your favorite, I figured it was Sarah's as well” you said sweetly and got the tray out of the oven, although you mumbled something a couple of times, Joel hadn't replied to you, as he kept washing the plates without interruption. You didn't get why he ignored your question, it made no sense; just a few minutes ago you were both having a nice, sweet time together and suddenly he wasn't going to say anything? That was odd. You placed the cookies on the balcony and called him again, to which you got no reply so you just shook his arm a little calling him again.
He turned around and watched you
“What is it?” He asked with a sweet smile, making you even more confused
“I called you a couple of times and you didn't say anything… is everything alright with you?” And at that question his face fell and it was impossible for Joel to hide his sadness. He licked his lips and nodded
“Yeah… it's just that… I'm kinda deaf in my right ear” he blushed and looked down in shame “I had a work accident some years ago and something blew up when I stood too close to it and well…” he shrugged and you felt your heart sink. Your poor Joel, always such a hardworking man, despite everything between you both, you never wanted him to be that injured. It saddened you to see how ashamed he seemed of it, even if he had no reason to be ashamed of it at all, and suddenly it made all sense to you why he was always subtly tilting his head to the left or standing towards that direction when he talked to you.
“I can hear it just fine, got used to it by now, but if you mumble something on my right it's kinda hard to me” the simple and even innocent way he said that made you so sympathetic of him, but it was way more than just that. It made you want to hold him, to assure him it was fine and he was still nothing but perfect no matter what had happened.
“Oh Joel…” you whispered and held his head in both of your hands, gently, your fingers brushing against his thick beard as you got closer and rested your forehead against his “I'm so sorry honey” you whispered again and closed your eyes. He was determined to respect you and not get handsy with you, but the moment he saw you pulling him closer, he couldn't help doing the same; gripping your waist with large hands, just like he used to, exactly where they fit so well, he brought your bodies close together.
“Don't go, please… stay” he whispered back, his lips were almost on yours, everything felt so right at that moment even if it was wrong. You hated how it felt like playing with fire: it seemed beautiful and appealing but you would get burned no matter what.
“I'm sorry, you know I can't” you said, moving your lips just an inch further and connecting with his, earning a hungry kiss.
For someone who desperately wanted to keep away from their ex-husband, you were certainly doing a shitty job. He needed you as much as you needed him, you both wanted each other, but you broke the kiss. It couldn't happen, your relationship was as complicated as it was and you didn't want to deal with that responsibility later. His heavy breathing lingered on your skin, at the same time he placed a soft peck on your neck, knowing all your sweet spots, that devilish man Joel Miller was.
“You know you can call me, right? Anything you need, anything at all, just call me and I'll come running to you, darling, don't forget that” he whispered into your ear and more than a seducing invitation, it was a plea, from a hopelessly man in love who didn't know what to do to prove his worth.
•••
Joel's offer to call him whenever you needed was so tempting, because you didn't actually need to call him, but you wanted to. It made no sense, you were the one who wanted to keep your distance from him, but due to the latest events you found yourself wanting to see Joel each time more, just the thought of his presence brought you an excitement you tried not reading too much into it; you didn't want to admit you were crushing on your ex-husband, but then, how could you call the fact your heart raced when you saw him? How you blushed and felt sparkles whenever you touched him briefly - accidentally or not? It was tricky, it was a mess but it seemed Joel made you lose that filter that always kept you emotionally distant from everyone. After learning Sarah was alright, you felt relieved for her, and when she stopped by your home and thanked you for taking care of her, you felt that familiar warmth in your heart. It seemed the more your rational part fought for you to stay away, that you had been severely hurt by Joel and you couldn't afford giving him a chance to do the same for the second time, but your irrational side? The one driven by your feelings and desires?! That one only made you dive deeper into the Millers household. Your feelings for Sarah just grew, you were attached to her and she was attached to you, she found in you the female influence it lacked for years and she represented something you never had but wished you could. And her dad was something else… ever since that evening you spent together, having dinner, chatting and enjoying each other's company, Joel had told you you could call him anytime for any reason. It didn't matter if you wanted to talk, hang out or have him fix something at your place, he was at your will.
And then you weren't certain if your faucet was really leaking, or if your door was actually warped or if all of that had to do with the fact you were looking for an excuse to call Joel and see him. You didn't want to hire him and you didn't want to discuss feelings, talk about the past or hear all sorts of apologies, you wanted to have a nice, pleasant moment with him, just like you had the last time. It felt so familiar and yet so new; it was about the two of you being acquaintances but at the same time meeting each other, your older, more mature versions finally getting together and hitting off. That was the kind of interaction you wanted from Joel.
You just didn't know exactly how to initiate it, not without giving him any kind of hope or leading him into it.
So you decided to focus on work, like you'd been doing for over a decade. You liked your job, it was stressful as any other job in the world and the money was great. However, you had got so comfortable and used to working from home, the days you were forced to actually go to the office felt excruciating, but it was part of the deal and you had to do it. So you got up, got ready - not without texting Sarah to let her know you wouldn't be home that day - and went to do your business. It was also when you noticed something was wrong. You didn't know the car that was parked across the street, it was a little odd, as you got used to all your neighbors and it was such a calm neighborhood you simply noticed when there was someone from outside. Still, you shrugged and got into your own car, driving to work.
On your way back, all you wanted was a cool shower and some relaxing hours scattered on the couch, but you tensed up a bit when you spotted the same car you did in the morning still there. It had nothing indicating trouble, and yet, you had a gut feeling telling you it simply wasn't right, however, there was nothing you could really do about it. You thought of calling Joel, but you didn't want to risk sounding paranoid and overall crazy. What could you tell him?! That there was a car parked across the street?!
You groaned when you checked your email and saw you would have to attend a meeting at work in person the next day. You were so sure you'd solved everything up, so why would you have to go? It was probably one of those meetings that could be just a work email and it annoyed you to no end, but still, you had no other option other than attending so the next morning you were there, getting ready when you spotted the same car. You had no idea if it had spent the whole night there or if it had gotten there before you woke up, nonetheless, you were taken by the same feeling you did the day before, no matter if they were irrational or not, it was just overwhelming. After another day at work, you returned home and sighed relieved to see the car wasn't there. Maybe it had been just a paranoid episode, perhaps you were just reading too much into things and all the stress from work combined with your situation with Joel made you lose your grip on reality a little bit.
The fact was that after doing your regular house things, you decided to take a relaxing bath and sink yourself into your tub. Selecting the perfect bath bomb and adjusting the temperature, you got inside, groaning at how the warm water made your tense muscles relax and you could feel the knots undoing themselves; as you closed your eyes and relaxed, there was nothing clouding up your mind but Joel.
His handsome face, his smile, his curly graying hair. He was your Joel, but older, mode handsome, if that was even a thing, because Joel was definitely the most handsome man you'd ever met. You couldn't help yourself but picture him wrapping his strong arms around your body, perhaps a relaxing bath with Joel would feel so good, you wouldn't be able to to turn it down. Just to imagine his naked body holding yours was enough to spike so many things all over you. You didn't know if you'd ended up dozing off in the tub, but it was hard to say if any time had passed or not the moment you heard some noises around your house. You couldn't remember if you'd forgotten your TV on or something like that, you were sure you hadn't turned on the radio, but it was enough to feel goosebumps all over your skin. You left the tub, drying yourself as quick as possible and wrapping a bathrobe around your body, exiting the room as silently as you could, hearing whispering and steps all over the lower floor. You went to your room and looked outside the window, your heart racing the moment you spotted the same car you'd seen before. You didn't know what to do, you could feel the suffocating wave of anxiety taking over completely. You could hear their voices, because apparently there was more than one guy. They were robbing your home, but what would happen if they reached you? You immediately locked your bedroom door, so relieved to see your phone was thrown onto the bed. Grabbing it, you dialed the number you'd never forgotten.
•••
“Come on, darling, open up” Joel's voice was the first thing you registered after you made the call, hugged yourself against a corner of your room and closed your eyes. You had heard footsteps climbing the stairs and how the thieves banged on your door, but you remained as quiet as you could. Just praying someone would show up to save you. You'd called Joel and he called the cops on his way over, he had dropped everything he was doing when he heard the raw fear in your voice. It was horrible you had your home broken into, but it made it even worse to think of what two criminals could do with such a beautiful woman like yourself. So he grabbed Tommy and they both rushed towards your place. Arriving there almost at the same time as the cops did, finding your front door busted open and a lot of valuable things such as your TV and your laptop gone. He had a baseball bat in hands, ready to attack whoever threatened your physical integrity and when he got questioning looks from the cop, he cleared his throat and explained he was your ex-husband - and friend.
“Is that really you, Joel?” You asked in a little more than a whisper, so glad to know he was there. You walked to the door and unlocked it, seeing Joel's worried eyes scanning you to make sure you were unharmed. Only then, you realized you hadn't gotten dressed, still wrapped in your bathrobe, but it didn't matter, all you could think of was looking for shelter into his strong, safe arms, sinking your face into his chest at the same time Joel caressed your back up and down, his lips planted a kiss on top of your head and another one on your forehead, wanting to soothe you and show you how safe you were from now on. He was there for you, it wouldn't absolve him from what he'd done in the past, but that didn't even matter to you or Joel, the important thing was that he was there, he came as fast as he could only for you and he would do it a thousand times more if necessary; you both knew that.
“I got you, baby girl, I got you” Joel cooed at you, tightening the hug around your body and keeping you closer. And you had missed that embrace, you just belonged in it, and you never wanted to let go.
Joel held you through the whole process of talking to the cops, informing them about the strange car that was seen around your home and also listing every item they stole: your TV, an iPad, your laptop and your car. Even if you were safe among them, you couldn't help but feel that nervous, anxious feeling at the very possibility of being alone at home once more. Nothing happened in the end, but it could have happened, and though it sucked to have been robbed of so much valuable stuff, you weren't harmed, and that was what mattered the most to you and above all, Joel.
As the cops talked to Joel and assured they'd get in touch if any of it was found, he walked them to the door and turned back to you, finding you all shy and scared, hugging yourself and looking at him with sad eyes. You didn't want to be alone and you didn't want to have to ask him for company, you didn't want to sound whiny or pathetic, especially not after it was just a break-in without any physical damage.
“Come on, pack your bags and I'll take you home with me” Joel's voice broke the silence and made you stare at him surprised “it can be for a few days, but if you aren't comfortable with that, then let me take you at least for the night, I ain't leaving you alone. Sarah's out at her friends in a slumber party or something, you can take her bed, or mine and I'll sleep on the couch, it doesn't matter, just come…” he extended his hand to you, which you gladly took it, and made his way upstairs, waiting patiently as you grabbed a backpack and shoved a few clothes and accessories you would need. You couldn't even describe how you felt at Joel's kindness. You were so comforted, so glad to see you weren't alone and that he was willing to take care and protect you. It didn't take very long to get your backpack ready, wrapping your arms around his neck in another tight hug, thanking him for being so gentle and earning only reassuring and affectionate words.
Once you got to the truck, you were welcomed by a whiff of his familiar scent, it smelled like Joel, your Joel and your heart warmed. He glanced at you while he drove, still seeing the tension all over you and his hand rested on your knee “you must be hungry…”
“I am” you said, a little anxious and watched as he turned the wheel and changed streets. Even before getting to the address, you already knew where Joel was taking you: your favorite Taco place. You chuckled as you remembered that was your favorite date spot when you were painfully young; when life seemed so promising and Joel Miller was the man who made you stutter and sweat through your hands. Whenever he glanced towards you, your cheeks would heat up and you would feel like bursting into flames. And after you both got married, when things were still good, that was the place where he would stop by eventually, pick up some takeout and take home, as a way of spoiling and thanking you for taking care of him. As he parked, he smiled and cleared his throat.
“You know, this is our spot, I never brought any girl here, with the exception of Sarah, of course, but much to my disappointment, she isn't really into tacos, which makes it exclusively our thing” he winked at you and you nodded, a small, petty side of you felt thankful for the confirmation of Angela never been there with Joel. It was just a taco shop and yet, it was still one thing that it was so yours and Joel's and she hadn't ruined it with her touch. You felt even hungrier at that moment, relaxing to know you could have a peaceful dinner with your good memories and the man who somehow still managed to make you blush, stammer a little and sweat through your hands.
As you both munched on the food sitting down in the back of his truck, just like you did every Friday night more than a decade ago, you chuckled at how things change but somehow remain the same. He tilted his head to the side, wiping a little bit of sauce you had over your cheek, exactly like when you both were younger.
“I know this probably tastes like shit, compared to the food you've had over the years when you traveled all over the world, you know Sarah told me all about it because she really admires you an-”
You took his hand and squeezed it, then placed your hand on his chin making him look into your eyes.
“Joel… this is the best taco I've ever had, the most delicious takeout I've ever tried because you are here with me..” she whispered and smiled, seeing how his face lit up. Neither of you said it, but you were finally having that date he asked you out several months ago, when destiny decided to put the two of you together. As he saw you shivering in the cold wind, he did the honorable thing and took off his jacket, placing it over your shoulder and rubbing both of your arms. You thanked him and looked all over his truck
“We spent quite a while in here…” you shrugged “and to think I lost my virginity here… you've always been a real gentleman” you scoffed and rolled your eyes. Joel laughed and sighed
“Yeah, well, I've come along nicely, give me a chance and I'll show you” he winked, flirting a little as you shook your head in disbelief.
“Are you serious?! Fuck off, Joel Miller! No guy will ever fuck me in the back of a truck, and especially not you!” You slapped his arm playfully, hugging it and resting your chin on his shoulder, feeling the wind against your face and looking up at him.
“Joel? Can you do us both a favor?” He nodded at you wanting to hear whatever question you had to ask him “please don't let Sarah marry the first asshole she falls in love with”
“I'm on it” he replied, laughing softly and pulling you closer. Closer than you'd ever been to him, he just wished that night wouldn't end too soon.
•••
Lying in Sarah's bed was odd, to say the least; especially when Joel's room was just there, a hallway distant from you. After the moment - better saying, the moments you both had shared in the past few days and even more so that night, you felt things would escalate to another level, a level in which it didn't matter to you if it was right or wrong, It was just bound to happen. But once you got to his home, he showed you his daughter's room, the bathroom, and asked if you needed anything else and simply let you be. Which was what you wanted, it was what you had asked him to do the last time you'd shared a kiss, but at the same time you felt disappointed because you wanted more of him, more of your Joel. The sweet moments you'd spent together were weighing so heavily in your heart, and even if you hadn't forgotten about what happened, the new proximity brought a new light in your relationship with Joel; it felt nice and different, a good different and as much as you closed your eyes and tried falling asleep, you were simply taken back to the moment he held you, soothed you, caressed your skin and assured you everything was alright. Tossing and turning in bed while you wished you were somewhere else instead, anywhere really, as long as he was just next to you. At first, when the gentle strumming from the guitar got to your ears, you imagined you had dozed off for a few minutes, perhaps you had even started to dream, but when your eyes were wide open and the beautiful, familiar sound wouldn't cease, you knew that only meant one thing: Joel was playing the guitar.
It couldn't come from his bedroom, the sound was too far to be coming from there, so you knew you would have to get up and explore. Suddenly, you felt a wave of excitement. Not only did you love watching Joel play the guitar, but now you had a pretty decent and reasonable excuse to go after him. You didn't want to make things weird and be that kind of person to leave the other confused, with your dubious signs, but you were just following your heart at that moment.
You tiptoed through his house, doing your best to move in the dark, as you didn't want to startle Joel or make him think you wanted the music to stop. And then your heart skipped a beat when you looked through the window and saw him playing the guitar on his porch. The cold wind that bothered you when you both were out eating tacos seemed to have stopped, and just then you realized it was indeed warm inside the house. He was so relaxed, strumming his guitar and humming a song softly, you've always loved his singing voice, even if he was a little shy about it, you could sit down and watch him play and sing for hours. You opened the door quietly and rested against the doorframe, admiring it quietly the way he looked focused at his guitar. He played calmly and it was the most beautiful sight you could ever think of. You wouldn't be able to tell exactly how long you stood there, but when Joel looked up at you, you were already walking towards him.
“That was beautiful, Joel…”
“Just like you are, darlin'”
You both knew exactly what you wanted at that moment, how you took another step closer, one after the other and you suddenly were hovering over him. Joel placed his guitar down, he wasn't going to be able to hold himself back, not at that moment. In one single motion, he pulled you to him by the hips, a tight grasp around your body and kissing you deeply. You straddled Joel, your hands making their familiar way towards his curls, loving how they always felt under your touch. Unlike the other times you'd kissed, you knew you would both go all the way down, you wanted it, craved it and even if you knew what to do and where to touch, it also felt new, you were both were the same young couple who'd been so in love, newly married and full of hopes and dreams, but you were also a couple who'd lived separately for more than a decade, you had both experienced heartbreaks, passions, you'd tried and touched other people, but eventually, just like home, it you were drawn to each other. There was no way out. When you were shamelessly humping and groaning on top of him, Joel knew it was time to take things inside, to hell with his neighbors, he didn't care if any of them witnessed it, if anything, he wanted people to see what a lucky bastard he was to have you in his arms, that he was going to take you and make you his at least once more. So he got up, lifting you up easily, so easily, and took you inside, climbing stairs with you in his arms, he longed for you, he was hungry for your body, your taste, your touch. He needed you and Joel Miller was about to take it all. He placed you over his mattress and got rid of his shirt - his dark blue one, that looked so good on him - and let your hands wander his body. He didn't take long to undress you, nibbling your thighs in the process, he knew your body like the palm of his hand, with the exception the last time he'd visited it, his palm wasn't as calloused as it was now, just as you weren't so painfully hot as you were at that moment. You'd always been gorgeous, but at that moment, naked in his bed, it was the most beautiful and erotic thing he'd ever seen and yet he wanted it to make it forever. As he got inside of you, he didn't know how long it would last, how long you both would last, you were being way nicer and more compassionate than he would ever deserve it, but at the same time, something within said you shared the same feelings for each other.
Once you both reached your bliss, love bites, kissings, caresses and so much affection between you both, you relaxed into his arms, your head resting comfortably in his chest, and you felt at home. You still didn't know what the next day would bring you both. Perhaps you would stay together, or you would part ways for good, there was still so much to be done, to spoken, you would have to handle the fact and the consequences of not using protection with Joel, maybe that was a good reason to worry about , or not, you didn't want to think of it, just as you didn't want to think of how you both could ever explain to Sarah what happened, or how Joel would explain Tommy and you would explain your family how you got together, maybe even one day Angela could return, you'd learned the hard way life wasn't a bed of roses and you feared that if you agreed to be happy with Joel once more you would get hurt, one way or another, but all that wasn't important, not at that moment. All it mattered was you and your Joel in bed, snuggled up and worrying about nothing but each other. He nuzzled your neck, making you giggle and in return you pecked his lips once more. He wanted to say those three little words, but decided not to, not yet, instead, he wanted to show you it, now he'd had a taste of you, and he vowed himself to make you happy for the rest of his life.
He knew he had broken your heart, it was the worst thing Joel Miller had ever done, but he was going to win you back, because he wasn't going to give up happiness with you, not again.
____
A/N: besties, how did I do? Did you like it? I hope you did! I honestly had planned on writing a sad ending, I was going to make reader move on from Joel once for all, but then, is it even possible to get over him? It's impossible not to fall for him and give him a second chance. A third part is possible but I have no idea when, and feedback is always welcome my lovelies ❤️💕
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ystrike1 · 1 year
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Secret Alliance - Lero (8/10)
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There's a strange feeling of melancholy here. It's in every chapter. Even the cute ones. If you want to take a good long look at what mental illness is like this is the story for you. It is almost too miserable for my taste. Even the happy ending is stained with years of regret and relationships that can't be fixed.
Ok so the yandere here ruins two families. His own family and his ex-girlfriend's family. The author, Lero, deconstructs what a "yandere" is. The concept is broken down into the basics. What would a yandere be in a regular society? Would they succeed? What would a modern day romance with an unstable person actually be like? The answers...aren't rosy or exciting.
The stalker is pathetic, and that's that. That's the reality. No woman with any sense of self preservation would choose somebody unstable, who is obsessed with isolating them. That is the end lesson the author leaves us with. It doesn't matter if you have a "special relationship" with a toxic person. It is always best to move on.
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Sian had a boyfriend when she was young. He had a pretty face and a tough, rude outer shell. When they started dating he immediately started doting on her and spending all of his time with her. Sian started dating him specifically because of his face. He is a pretty boy. His girly looks made him less scary to Sian. Sian's mother does not trust men. She's also rather unstable and controlling, so from a young age she was unusually wary of men. Her boyfriend...was a lot like her mother. He agreed. He also thought men were disgusting. He said he was the only one she should trust. He said she didn't need any girl or boy friends. He said she only needed him. When she tried to break up with him he locked her in a shed, and his possessive rant made her faint from fear. Nothing sexual happened, but that doesn't matter.
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Sian was traumatized by the incident because that boyfriend didn't have a limit. Sian's mother didn't approve of him, so her loving boyfriend pissed her off on purpose. Sian's somewhat unstable mother stabbed him with a knife. Horror ensues. Sian's boyfriend told her not to worry. Now they can call child services. Sian doesn't need her mother. She only needs him. He also reveals, in his hospital bed, that he did taunt and terrify her mother on purpose. All of that, on top of being trapped in a shed for an entire night with him...ruined her dating life.
Sian can't even touch men.
It's interfering with her daily life now, years later.
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Sian is sort of considering becoming a lesbian, even though she's not into women. It's very depressing. A gorgeous woman named Yuri is totally nuts for her. Yuri is willing to spend time with her every day. Yuri doesn't think her fear of men is weird....and Yuri agrees with her mother. Getting an education is fine, but she should work from home and stay away from men.
Weird.
Deep down Sian doesn't want that. She wants to get better, and be a fully functioning person. She doesn't want to hate men just because of one asshole. She's deeply insecure. Sian thinks she looks like a man, due to bullying back in her school days. It was classic negging. You've heard it before I'm sure.
You're sooooo ugly and boyish. You'd be lucky if I lowered myself to date you. Be my side chick blah blah blah.
Sian didn't learn about the reality of negging and sexual bullying. (and the tactics men use to make woman start dating when they're not ready/settle for men they don't really like.) It's complicated but she never learned that nuance, because she's overly sheltered. That doesn't make her a princess. It makes her a weirdo who sees perverts everywhere.
It's unpleasant isn't it?
You want to think that having a rich mom who pays all your bills makes you a princess.
You want to believe that a possessive boyfriend is a fun thing.
Alas, reality is different.
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Meet Yujin. He's a douche who sleeps with women to get ahead. He knows he's handsome...but deep down he knows he's being toyed with too. He wants to trust someone and have a real relationship, but he thinks he's tainted. Dirty. He gets Sian a job at his restaurant, because he can see her desire to change. He's rude to her. He's lewd to her, but he also helps her grow. Yuri and her mother don't want her to grow. They want her to be a delicate stay-at-home-princess for all eternity. Yujin thinks that's dumb. He says he'll respect her boundaries. He lets her use him as a test subject, and she eventually gets used to men thanks to his help.
How touching.
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Anyway Yuri is a man named Yul. He's her ex-boyfriend. The one that locked her in a shed. He's been stalking her, but he knows she hates men. He put on a skirt to sneak into her life.
Yujin catches him, but Yul is also Yuri. Sian's best friend. Yul taunts Yujin, and says Sian will never believe him. "Yuri" says "she" will lie and make Sian hate him, if he doesn't go along with "her" plot. Yujin, at this point, thinks he's in too deep. This is none of his damn business, and someone as nice as Sian would never like him back. "Yuri" has been her best friend for too long.
Sian would never trust him over "Yuri".
He lies to Sian, to break her heart and make her hate men forever. Sian was opening up. She wanted to try going on dates with Yujin, but Yujin says he likes Yuri. He says he wants to sleep with Yuri, because she's sexy. That's all he wants. Sexy girls and meaningless fun. Their therapy game is something he's doing out of pity and boredom.
Sian snaps, and she starts dating Yuri, just so Yujin won't start dating her. It's complicated. Sian wants to give up on men now, and she also doesn't want Yujin to have Yuri.
So she lets the stalker move into her house.
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After a month we see all of the problems in their relationship, in detail. Yuri is a clingy, annoying girlfriend that makes unreasonable demands. Yuri makes Sian change her hair. "She" makes Sian dress conservatively. She makes Sian quit her job and stop talking to her friends. They do nothing but sit on the couch and watch tv, because Yuri is too possessive to let Sian live.
The horror begins. Yuri's apartment is stalker central. It's covered in pictures of Sian and him back in high school. He masturbates to recordings of her every night.
Sian, deep down, suspects Yuri.
She's been in denial for a while, and she sees Yul.
He immediately jumps on her. He kisses her and says he is the only one who loves her. Everyone else is trash.
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Yujin saves her. Yul pathetically begs her to stay with him, but she leaves with Yujin. She starts living with Yujin too. She realizes that she can be herself with Yujin. He is just a man, not a monster. She doesn't have to follow any crazy rules when she talks to him. She doesn't have to constantly pacify him, because he's a mature adult. He is the life partner she needs.
Yul attacks Yujin, but things fall apart. Yul cuts his wrists in the end, and Sian assumes Yujin is the one injured. That frees her. She hates Yul and she berates him and she screams...and then she sees the blood. There's a pause. She knows what she has to do.
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She calls his family. His "yandere" persistence doesn't work. Yul was only able to stalk Sian because his father was sending him money. Yul's family isn't loving, but they come for him. They come to the hospital, and tell him to give up on Sian. Yul isn't sexy. He's a mentally ill, manic depressive man that has turned his father into a paranoid wreck. It's heavily implied that Yul's episodes made his sister's childhood hard too.
When Sian saw his blood everything changed. She slaps Yul, to make him listen to her, and she says she moved on years ago. She realized that none of her memories with him were happy. Their entire relationship was just her babying him. She doesn't want to be a crazy persons crutch. She's more than that. She's wasted enough of her youth on him.
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Timeskip.
Yujin and Sian are in love. Sian isn't special, pure or a princess. She hasn't completely cut her mother off, but she's financially independent now. She receives a letter from Yul's sister.
It's a real goodbye. After Sian left he didn't let go for a long time, but eventually he got a job. He realized that he didn't need Sian to live, and he's sorry. He isolated himself through his stalking, and his "Yuri" identity. Time apart from Sian made him realize how miserable he was.
The discussion of mental illness here is quite simply too damn real. Yul is never officially diagnosed with shit. Sian's issues with gender and trauma take many years to heal. Sian's mother will likely never stop hating men. Yul's father will never forgive or trust his son.
Sian is never going to get her childhood back.
Run, if someone tells you they want you to become their special princess.
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tyrantisterror · 2 months
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"A third one of these?"
"Yes please," I say, taking the hot chocolate from the waiter and immediately licking all the whipped cream off like a filthy animal. "It's self indulgent, I know, but maybe it's what I need right now."
"Ok, you're going through something, so do what you have to do," said the twenty foot tall lady with the horns and the sharp teeth and whatnot. "But if this is going to keep going it might need a bit more thought put into it."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, is this a self insert thing? Like, we're all breaking the fourth wall here, but you specifically talk as if you're the writer, so are you actually the person writing this self indulgent fantasy in the reality of said fantasy, or a proxy?"
"I kind of think all characters are just facets of the authors who create them. When you break it down, they're all the author doing the 'what if' work of becoming someone else - a thought exercise, you know? 'What would have to happen in my life to make me this character?' basically."
"Yeah, sure, very philosophical." She took a sip of her own hot chocolate, which was served in a thoroughly rinsed out oil drum because she was, again, twenty feet tall. "But I'm thinking more about equity here. If you're the real world author, then you're just, like, a guy. No offense."
"None taken."
"Gender neutral guy, to be clear."
"I feel guy is more often gender neutral these days then it is gendered."
"Right, yeah, same wavelength and all, same author. Cool." she ran her clawed talons through the shimmering red-black locks of her hair. "But if you're just the real life author, just some guy, that means you have a name and a fairly mundane appearance. Meanwhile I'm this idealized, decidedly impossible standard of beauty. Like, you literally made me twenty feet tall dude."
"Oh, yeah."
"I've got horns."
"You sure do."
"So, like, is that fair?" Her green eyes pierced through me like lances. Not literally, this time I'm actually using hyperbole, just to be clear. "I mean, I can see how it's enjoyable for you if you're the author, and it's probably, like, morally fine more or less. Any person who experiences sexual attraction is going to fantasize about being with a person who represents their ideal of what's attractive, that's a natural thing."
"Yeah, but that's not super healthy to dwell on, right?" I take a sip of my hot cocoa. It's still warm, but cool enough to drink without burning my tongue. "Because no one's ever able to match an ideal, right? And yet I also think real people are often better than ideals. Like, what I find attractive in people, even just from a physical standpoint, has expanded as I've grown. There are things a younger me found to be imperfections that I now think are beautiful."
"Like big butts and love handles?"
"I mean, Mrs. Incredible set me onto big butts at a young age, I just didn't admit it till later."
"True." She sipped her own hot chocolate. "But we're off track. Are you the author or not? Because if you are, you have, like, a name, and I'm still just the big lady. That's not fair, is it? And I don't think it'd sit right with you if this was imbalanced."
"It does kind of ruin the vibe," I said. "I think I should be a character, then. Like, maybe a thinly veiled author avatar, like how George Costanza is pretty much just a slightly worse Larry David, or how Larry David is just a slightly worse Larry David."
"That's a start," she said with a smile. "So what do you look like, then? Are you idealized like me? What does an idealized author avatar look like to you?"
"...I don't know."
"First thing that pops into your head."
"...Jeff Goldblum?"
"Jeff Goldblum? Why is it always Jurassic Park actors with you?"
"I'm a child of the 90's - wait, plural? Who else did I mention."
"Bryce Dallas Howard," she said. "Oh, wait, that's Jurassic World, isn't it?"
"I think I only mentioned her because she's got a big butt."
"Right."
I shift in my seat uncomfortably. "I don't think I want to be Jeff Goldblum. I mean, I think other people might want me more if I was circa 1993 Jeff Goldblum, but I don't think that would fit me."
"That's fair. So what do you want to be?"
"...something like Vivi from Final Fantasy 9."
She stares at me for a moment. "What."
"You know, the little black mage? Big wizard hat, cool coat, clown pants, head is a black void with pinpricks of light for eyes."
"That's... that's a bonkers ass thing to say. No one wants to get with Vivi."
"Well yeah, he's like nine years old," I say. "Literally a child. But, like, an older Vivi, you know? Adult Vivi."
"So, like, a Black Waltz?"
"Yeah," I say. "Someone out there must want to fuck one of the Black Waltzes."
"Yeah they're pretty hot," she says before taking a sip from her oil drum of hot chocolate. "Kind of surprised you didn't want to be an animate suit of armor."
"I feel like an idealized version of me has to be goofy on some level," I said. "I know goofiness in real life is kind of a mood killer, romance wise, but it's essential to me. I'm a silly clown person."
"With a void for a face."
"And two prinpricks for eyes."
"Right."
She smiles, showing those sharp, railroad spike teeth of hers. "I can work with that."
Jack Black lands, back from his trip to the stratosphere. "Oh, you're doing this again?" he says with a wince. "Isn't that kind of unhealthy and weird?"
"To be fair, Jack Black," I say, "Can't you say the same about starring in Gulliver's Travels?"
"Fair point."
From across the street, Detective Munch looks at us and shakes his head. "Fucking weirdos," he says before turning to his wife, Muncher, and sloppily kissing her on the mouth.
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Text
An Important Aside
CW: Statutory Rape
So, the next issue I have to cover is #197, and it focuses on Kitty Pryde and Colossus. I've briefly mentioned my very strong thoughts on their relationship before, but I think I need to go into more detail about this topic, and I don't want it sandwiched between a bunch of bad jokes and philistine art opinions. When Kitty and Piotr's romance began, she was 14. He was 19. This is statutory assault.
This is definitely ephebophilia and I'm not sure but it may be considered pedophilia as well. Its really, really awful. But the narrative never treats it that way. They write Kitty as a child for sure, she acts in a very childish and immature manner throughout this romance. Its pretty clear Piotr's on a completely different maturity level than her. But he is never portrayed as the absolute monster he is for taking advantage of that. And its not that he doesn't know this is wrong, he angsts plenty about his feelings for Kitty. At one point, the two are in a precarious situation they're not sure they'll live through, and Kitty asks Piotr to have sex with her before they die. He refuses, because he knows she's too young and immature. He knows its wrong and he does it anyway. Which means that the writer and artist of that issue, Chris Claremont and John Byrne, would have to know it was wrong too.
None of the other X-men ever take issue with this. In fact, multiple other X-men encourage their relationship. This includes characters like Storm and Wolverine, Kitty's parental figures on the team. It also includes Professor X, who, may I remind you, has a doctorate in psychology (of course, I shouldn't be surprised Chuck is so blasé considering he had a hots for a teenage Jean Grey and only refrained from pursuing her because of his disability). Eventually, however, somebody finally did take issue with this disgusting situation; the Marvel higher ups.
Claremont was pressured by his bosses to break up the pair, so he did, in the most convoluted, comic book-y way possible; during the Secret Wars event, Colossus is separated from Kitty and meets and falls in love with an alien woman who dies tragically at the end of the event. When he returns to Earth he realizes he's still in mourning for her and has fallen out of love with Kitty. And you'd think that, that's it right? It sucks that they didn't break up because, like, you know, Piotr finally got his head out of his ass and realized he was dating a child, but at least we can move on! But no, we can't, because they reactions that the other X-men have, especially Wolverine are fucking appalling.
They're finally angry at Piotr. But not for starting a relationship with a literal child, no, they're angry at him for finally doing the right thing and ending that relationship. Wolverine especially goes off on him for breaking Kitty's heart. Again, Wolverine who is supposed to be Kitty's mentor and father figure.
I don't really know how to end this because I don't have any important insights aside from "this is fucked up, I hope you know this fucked up, fuck the people who made this." There's definitely a lot more to say about how Kitty Pryde and other teenage characters are sexualized in comics. There's a lot more to say about age-gap relationships in comics (this wasn't the first time a superhero committed statutory rape and wouldn't be the last). But I really don't want to say any of this. I'm not sure now if I want to write a full review of X-men #197 now, because I would rather not spend any more time on this. I might do a mini post about some of the specific panels or scenes I have opinions on.
This whole thing has really ruined 616 Colossus for me, and its tainted other versions too. But I want to make it clear, if he's still a character you like, that's ok. If (adult!) Kitty x Colossus is still one of your ships, that's ok! You can like problematic characters. In long running comic books especially, you can ignore problematic actions or personality traits of your favorite characters, God knows I do all the time. I just needed to get this off my chest.
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sssm1l3 · 8 months
Text
Why does Rarl exist?
Before I start, I would like to say that I appreciate these two, and am in no way bashing the ship, I just spent 20 minutes talking about it and want to talk about it some more.
Spoilers for the walking dead ahead
So.
Okay.
As I'm thinking about it, I'm pretty sure that Ron and Carl only have 3 positive interactions.
1: When he introduces Carl to Enid and Mikey. (Where tf did Mikey go?)
2: When Ron and Carl talk at that party, Carl snatches cards from someone's hand.
3: When Rick and Carl are teaching Ron how to shoot.
Everything other than that is just pure chaos.
I do have a few theories.
One is what I like to call The My Hero Academia Paradox: If two characters exist in the same universe, there are people who want them together.
Let's face it, even if you don't ship them, they're aesthetically pleasing on some level.
The second, Carl is queer coded. I couldn't tell you how, but he is. It may have a similar effect to how autistic people (such as I) are more likely to be LGBTQ+ because they lack an understanding of social cues and norms.
Carl was very young when the world shit itself and his social norms completely changed. After Merle kicked the bucket, I don't think anybody ever mentions anything revolving around race or sexuality after that, because they have bigger fish to fry than worrying about those things, and thus, a lot of worries about those things that most young, queer, people have I don't think Carl would go through, at least not at the level that we do.
There are dead people, nobody really cares all that much about who you kiss.
Also, let's look at the social norms difference. At that point (and I'm only mentioning these two because if I didn't this post would be as long as War and Peace), but at that point, Carl had killed his mom and was almost barbecued a few episodes prior to meeting Ron.
And even before that, social norms are out the door, as well, so I don't know if this would be how it worked, but due to the state of the world being so fucked, I think maybe Carl would have a higher percentage chance of being queer. Hence, queercoded. (that and his use of flannels /hj)
My third theory is just projection: When people like characters, they project onto them.
In my fics, I put Carl through the 7 rings of hell, and then as soon as he crawls back up, I kick him in his head and throw him back down. I love him. He's my favorite character. I would drink his tears if I could.
And so, queer people writing or just making fan content about him, finally get another male character his age and like, fall on the ground giggling and kicking their feet, or just looked at the two of them and were like "Eh, if it fits it sits" and thus Rarl was born.
(Also an honorable mention for people just being whores for enemies to lovers)
But I seriously want to talk to the person that first decided this was a good idea. What Myspace or tumblr post started this?
I want to know.
I have no answers for why this ship exists, and I want some.
Thank you for your time
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rimouskis · 2 years
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I don’t even mean to get emo in a way but it’s crazy to think about just how he started so young. From the age of 7 and adults making him to cry to them being 15 and Don cherry of all people always making fun of him and alluding to horrible things about him and his sexuality all because he didn’t like the way he looked. Then him getting to the pros and once again all his opponents immediately going for him violently. I mean I remember when he got his teeth knocked out for the first time I think in 2007 or maybe 2006 commentators were laughing about it saying how finally he’d “keep his mouth shut”. All of that done before he even 20 years old, the abuse he took and he’s still a good person. I just think about that sometimes
I'm going to answer this question and a few others down below, just because they're pretty long!
absolutely. a big part of my interest in ~the rimouski years~ is because that really felt like a pressure cooker to me with the lockout, and how sid was the focal point of hockey media in north america due to it. that interest carried over into the big leagues, and I love, LOVE, sid's reputation as a whiner and a baby because it's such clear growing pains! even for a kid who was used to taking punishment on the ice, the transition to NHL-caliber roughness was hard for him, as was swallowing his protests when shit didn't get called.
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for sure. I don't want to make it out like the crosbys were on the verge of poverty because of hockey, but they weren't well off, and I also find it interesting how that fact itself has contributed a lot to the "blue collar hero" characterization sid's gotten. part of that, I think, is due to the "pittsburghification" of him—pgh's history as a working class steel town is something that a lot of people, older yinzers especially, tend to cling to with a double-sided pride/shame. pride in the hard work and the distinction is offers them from yuppies, and also some shame about being the rust belt, about being a town that fell from grace when the industry collapsed, about being distinctly working class in a way that feels "lesser than" in comparison to common vacation spots along the east coast.
I think the nhl and the penguins very much wanted to blend sid's history into pgh's history seamlessly. if they could make him out to be a blue collar hero, well, then it would be fitting for him to wind up in a blue collar place. it's funny, considering he was a millionaire by the time he was 17. again: I don't want to deny his family's financial status growing up (from what I know, neither of his parents were college graduates and did not have "skilled" [extreme air quotes there] labor to sell), but sid hasn't been working class since he was in his teens. he's a multimillionaire now. more than that, he has now earned the most career earnings EVER in the NHL. he is very, very rich, and the fact that he's REMAINED a ~working class guy~ in terms of public perception and yinzers' protectiveness about him speaks VERY highly to both his + the pens' PR teams and his own humble nature.
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it makes me laugh to think about the whole "he hasn't had media lessons!" argument troy put up only to have someone else in hockey say "yeah brisson totally coached him," haha. I think culturally hockey does place a lot of emphasis on "saying the right thing" in those sort of interviews, and sid's lifelong obsession with hockey probably meant he was already incredibly used to the language and speaking patterns.
about him chilling out though — part of that is absolutely age, but you know what I miss about rookieish sid? the fully-bellied laugh! the infamous "giggle-honk!" he doesn't do it as often (when he's recorded) anymore!
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What age is it considered "normal" to start feeling romantic and sexual attraction? I've been pretty confident in being aroace, but I can't shake the "oh, in a year or two you'll start feeling it too" thoughts, and they make me really uncomfortable. I feel really comfy and safe in my labels and the thought that I'm just not old enough to experience the attraction yet is honestly terrifying. I don't want to feel like I'm lying to myself and the people around me, but at the same time I absolutely do NOT want any sort of romantic or sexual relationship with anyone. (Not sure if AGAB and that stuff matters in this context but if it does I'm AFAB).
Also can people stop making me doubt myself (not directed at anybody who'll see this)? I came out to my mom and even though she was really supportive, she had to give the little speech about how you don't have to have it figured out, ever really, and that it'd still be totally okay if I come back in the future and discover I like boys, or girls, or whoever. Which is great, but I already knew that and I had taken like at least a week preparing and had spent the last hour steeling my nerves, I had my closest friend and the only one who knew I was doing this at the time on speed dial in case I panicked and couldn't do it, and I did not need to hear it's okay for me to be wrong. Or not wrong, I guess, but for that to change. I was really not mentally prepared to be reassured about THAT particular issue and it brings back the thoughts I mentioned in the last paragraph.
Anyone else have one of their worst fears being discovering that they're allo? Not that there's anything wrong with being allo, but I feel like so much of who I am is heavily influenced by my aroace-ness and if that's gone I'd feel lost and like I've completely lied about who I am.
That was late night rants with Raven, it's almost midnight though for me so I am going to go get some sleep. Thanks for listening!
So people vary a lot on when they first experience attraction. I think I read once that on average people start experience sexual attraction around their early teens/late preteens, but some people start experiencing it younger than that, and others don't experience it for the first time until they're older, sometimes as late as their early 20's. (the article didn't mention romantic attraction, but it can also start both very early or very late.)
The thing about it though is that there is no age where it's impossible for your orientation to change, and this is why I think it's really important to trust how you feel now. And trust that if your orientation/identity does ever change, you can cross that bridge when you get to it.
I think that anxiety of suddenly being allo is something a lot of ace and aro people deal with. But if someone has a real fear of losing the ace and aro labels then that's often a sign that those labels are currently the right one. If it does ever happen where it is right for someone to move on from ace/aro labels, it's actually usually a positive experience. So basically it feels wrong, because for you it is wrong.
The older you get, the less likely that also starts to become. It's never impossible but it is rarer to change orientations into adulthood.
It is a big problem that young people often aren't taken as seriously with their labels or told they'll change their minds. If it helps though, Anon, I know a lot of ace/aro people who started IDing that way as teens and even pre-teens and still use those labels now well into adulthood. Sometimes people do legitimately just know. So try and keep that in mind when people are being sceptical or telling you'll change your mind. That's just simply not always the case.
All the best, Anon! Take care.
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pentacentric · 5 months
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Oooh, tell me about "pretty when you cry"....??? 😊
copying some of what i previously answered for the background, since this is from the same series that's already stsrted being published. Things That Can't Be Seen is canon-divergent (but not excessively) AU, wincest, powers/magic-adept sam, heavy on the world-building (there's a bit more backgound and 2 excerpts under the cut)
firstly, i have to say Pretty When You Cry is named after the VAST song not the lana del rey one which i didn't know about at the time (it's also good but a very different vibe). the story's actually about 2/3 done and already ridiculously long. it was also actually originally started to fill a kinkmeme request (ikr) and it got out of control and then i ended up fitting it into the series
it's set during sam's years at stanford. sam's experiences have made him a lot more comfortable with the more extreme side of his sexuality than in the show, and he's lacking a very good idea of what normal is as well. he continues to mourn his relationship with dean throughout, but he meets brady and they become cluelessly reciprocally-pining friends and eventually lovers. they're into kink pretty heavily (sam's subby and masochistic and bratty, brady is brash and has some lovely repressed aggression but is also very empathetic). but also he and brady genuinely love each other. i'll admit this story is somewhat self-indulgent since i discovered i really love sam/brady while writing this. it's like 50% kink, 50% sam/brady banter, 30% world-building, 20% sam being awkward while trying to figure out how to act like a person. it will get around to demon brady and also jess as well
series background: the major world difference is that the hunting community is slightly more structured (though no less dysfunctional or dangerous, maybe more so) and that it includes dedicated magic users within it (though on the fringes and generally with a lot of reticence and, for some, active resistance). the magic and its systems are also somewhat different and much more developed than in the show. as far as the winchester family goes, john never bothers to hide hunting or the paranormal from either of them. sam starts showing signs of powers (and not necessarily demonic) from a young age. there's also a family ritual that involves painting sigils on one's body that is central to the story
excerpts
this is prob more than you wanted, but you get 2 excerpts because i couldn't decide. 1st is some banter between sam and brady because there's a lot of that in the story. the second is one of my favorite parts that shows some of the magic in this world. they're both kinda long, sorry!
excerpt 1:
............
He shrugs. "And, to top it off...I really didn't know if you were into guys, even."
Brady stares at him. "How could you not know??"
"Well, I mean, I never really saw you flirt with men or anything."
"Yeah, ‘cause I was kinda focused on getting into your pants, you know? Um, had my hands all over you? Sleeping together in the same bed?"
Sam flushes. "C'mon, you're pretty affectionate with everyone, so how was I supposed to know?!"
"You really think I treat all my friends like I do you?" Brady shakes his head in disbelief. "Damn, I'm kinda proud that you think I'm that easy."
"Well, you kinda are. Once you get past the do-you-like-me-check-yes-or-no notes stage." Sam grins.
"Maybe I should have given you one of those in the first place." He looks at Sam. "You know what it finally took to get me to man up and do something?"
"Um, getting me desperate and naked and sobbing in your bed?"
"Well, now you're just giving me ideas for later..."
"It's Thursday tomorrow."
"...seriously, you can be such a buzzkill." He huffs. "Sure, that was the spark and all, but the fuse was already primed."
"...you don't prime fuses."
"Well, maybe you don't...you know what I meant, bitch. Anyways, it was Nathan."
"Nathan? What does he have to do with it?"
"Well, what he wants to do is you."
"What?"
"...well, I'm kind of reassured that at least it's not just me you're oblivious to. Anyways, he saw you at The Crucible."
Sam almost chokes. "What??"
"C'mon, Sam, you think you're the only kinky bastard in our group of friends? I mean, you might be the most extreme and all, but, really? Like, tell me you at least know that Tara does photography for the kink scene?"
"..." 
"Oh, c'mon! It's not like she hides it!"
"Well, she didn't show us her actual pictures! When she said sexy photos, I figured, like, standard boudoir stuff, maybe some pinup."
"Nope. I mean, I think she does a little of that on the side, but most of her stuff is pretty hardcore. Beautiful, though. Hot. You should ask her to see it sometime."
"Huh. Wow. But, um...yeah, Nathan saw me at the goddamn Crucible. And told you about it?"
Brady shrugs. "He worried you might be runnin' around behind my back. Said he wasn't sure it was his place to get involved, and maybe we had an open thing going on, maybe at least where scening was concerned, but that if it were him, he'd want to know. When I told him we weren't like that, he was genuinely surprised. Didn't believe me at first, said everyone would be cool with it, we didn't have to hide anything. Once I convinced him, he was all well, I gotta warn you, if you don't go for it, I will. Told me I had no idea what I was missing out on, by what he saw."
"Oh my god. I only went there once, and...fuck." Sam shakes his head, swallows. "I'm surprised he can still look me in the face and act like everything's normal."
"Well, it's not usually your face I catch him staring at.' Brady smirks.
Sam groans and buries his face in his hands. "I think I've hit my RDA of humiliation today."
"Pssshh, Nate definitely didn't think any less of you for what he saw, I can tell you that much. Anyways, he musta seen something on my face, cause he backed off a little on the goin' after you. Said he didn't really believe in the 'calling dibs' thing, but it was clear you and I had something goin' on, even if we were clueless, and that he wanted to give us a chance to get our shit together. Told me not to wait too long, though. That was about a week before you showed up all fucked up at my door that morning." Brady rubs at the back of his neck. "Was gonna say somethin' to you on the night I made you dinner. Chickened out."
"Declarations of love over spaghetti? Very Lady and the Tramp of you."
"Shut up, bitch. You love to suck my noodle."
Sam shakes his head with a grimace of disgust. "No...just no, dude."
"Eh, can't land 'em all...shoulda gone with 'you're the one that's both the lady and the tramp,' yeah? Anyways, it all worked out in the end, obviously. I got my Disney princess." He picks up his pencil and turns his attention back to the papers in front of him. "Still kinda kickin' myself that I missed that night at the Crucible. Sounded pretty fucking memorable. 'S not my usual club, though."
Sam's brain stalls, reboots a few times. "Wait...you have a 'usual' club? You go to kink clubs?? Which ones? When?"
Brady smirks, doesn't look up, though. "Hmm, yeah, but I think that's a talk for another night. Might get us a little worked up, you know, keep us from gettin' to sleep right away." He turns a page in his book. "And it is Thursday tomorrow, you know."
"...I hate you."
"Whatever you say, Sammy." He innocently bats his eyes at Sam, who hasn't moved and is still staring holes into Brady's head. "Don't you have an essay to finish, baby?"
...
The next morning, as Sam's getting ready to walk into class, he feels the buzz of his phone in his pocket. He smiles, pulls it out, sees a message notification. Flips it open, and his smile disappears as he freezes in front of the doors of the Keck Building. 
G (2 new messages)
Gideon.
His heart clenches. Misses a beat, maybe two. He barely even notices the annoyed girl with the curly pink hair that elbows him; absently stumbling out of the way of the flow of students without lifting his eyes from the phone.
He selects the notification, presses the green button.
-Sam. None of your dreams will come true.
He lets out a long, shuddering breath, the relief outweighing the resentment. Thumbs down to the second message, opens it.
-I won't have to hold your debt for long. I'll contact you soon for assistance.
That feeling at the bottom of his gut; that cold, that clenching. It's not fear. 
It's not.
It's just relief that Dean, his dad are ok. Will be ok, for now. Everything else, he can deal with. It's all worth it, for that.
Right?
___________________________
excerpt 2:
............
"So," Brady says, arms spread out, slowly spinning, inviting Sam to take in the whole of the small harbor as if he, himself, had made the sand, waves, and towering cliffs. "This is Gray Whale Cove."
Sam tilts his head back, turning in place to take it all in. "It's amazing." He says, sincerely. "Beautiful."
So maybe he's looking at Brady when he says it.
"Yeah, not too shabby, right? I thought you'd like it here."
And Sam does. It really is spectacular; the slopes and peaks of the cliffs around them a mix of jagged grey stone and ground-hugging green brush, the half-moon of faded gold sand between the promontories jutting into the water on either side of them, the deep steel-blue of the Pacific churning itself through green into foamy white as it thrashes against the sand and crags. The air smells of salt and growing things, but with that base note of mineral you sometimes find in places surrounded by exposed rock. Everything's a little washed over and silvery with the sharp, pale winter sun. His skin prickles in the wind that whips through the cove.
But beyond even that there's a fierce power here that buoys and exhilarates Sam, sets his heart racing. Brady, while he's often so empathetic to the moods and needs of people around him that it still surprises Sam, doesn't have an ounce of sensitivity to the supernatural (and Sam has said a prayer of gratitude for that more than once). But even those without any gift sometimes feel the pull of places like this, without really knowing why. Sam can feel it thrumming through him, ramping up with each deep pulse through him, making his nerves twang like plucked chords, sparking tiny fires in his subtle body. It reminds him of the bass in the Impala vibrating through the seats when the sound's turned all the way up and they're pushing past a hundred on some straight-as-an-arrow, cornfield-choked, midwest backcountry road or a sandswept, broadly curving desert highway in the salt flats of the southwest.
Combined with his already nebulous state from the events of the nights before and today's blessing, he's soaring on it like a leaf in a whirlwind. He can't put away the grin that's cracking his face open. He'd worry about how his eyes must look to Brady (mad, crazy, dangerous) if he could bring himself to grab even a tiny thread of the concrete, the practical world right now. He closes his eyes for a second, trying to center himself a little. If he lets this build too much more he's gonna spin out. Do something dumb and hurt himself or Brady, or, at the very least, the surge is gonna burn through him too fast and he'll be left even more depleted and thinned-out after it's gone.
Regretfully, he pulls up a few of his barriers; not all of them, not all the way. Modulates the rush of energy tearing through him. Less firehose, more broad river to float in. He opens up his eyes slowly, nictitating their astral membranes at the same time, to get a look at the source of the energy swirling through the cove.
It's magnificent. A light-limned nest, a vast net of vital elemental magic and intrinsic etheric energy, woven, knit, exquisitely around them.
The major ley line that skims along the California coast, but only touches shore rarely, intersects here, running right up the length of the beach: a spitting, twisting, living rope of light, pulled taut between the bookend promontories, right over their heads, wide as a 6-lane interstate. But it also crosses no less than six smaller, less-deeply-sourced power lines. They spiral up and over and through the surrounding cliffs and hills; one even snakes up from the ocean floor, through the waves, its light refracting and breaking all green glowing through the turbulent water. But on top of that, there's also the confluence of three fundamental elements—the vast waters of the ocean, the earthy bare rock of the cliffs and hills, and the air of the blue sky high above and the wind funneled down into the cove. They're balanced well, the tension between where they push and pull and merge sending out fountains of branching, fractal luminescence at sudden and irregular intervals. 
Sam doesn't know all the power places in North America, of course, but he knows of the biggest, most important ones, and this place he's not heard of. It's much more modest than many of those famous ones in terms of sheer power. It's doesn't have the gut-wrenching sheer force of the convergence of two major ley lines that some spots have, nor does it have the fulgent potential of a place where all four elements meet in equal power, but the mix of the two types of earth energies makes for a delicious nexus of magics. It makes Sam want to strip his clothes off and bathe naked in it.
Which, considering the few other groups of visitors speckled across the beach, might not be the best idea.
Though he'd bet Brady would appreciate it.
With that thought pulling at the corners of his mouth, he turns and looks at his boyfriend standing on the sand behind him.
He's never looked at Brady before with the astral veil lifted, it's not something he wants to make a habit of in his new, normal life. But he can't resist, just this once, and he's not surprised to find the view just as magnificent as what surrounds him. In his own, entirely non-biased, opinion, of course. Brady's aura isn't simple, but Sam didn't expect it to be. It's tangled, knotted, bruised in some places, in others loops in on itself protectively. But it's bright, and threaded with colors that resonate and shift. And it's warm, so warm. It sends tendrils out in some place, seeking out the light of others; vulnerable, but full of a pure kind of desire to connect. Many of them keep drawing back to Sam, slipping along his edges, under the surface. Their borders melt together briefly when they touch, and Sam lets one of his barriers down, just a little, feels Brady penetrate him, warmth spreading out from where they touch. He shivers; it's so incredibly sensual, intimate; he can't help himself. He surges forward, drops his mouth to Brady's, slips his eyes closed; lets Brady's warm tongue and warm emanations push into him.
Breathless minutes later, he opens his eyes, the mundane world filling them now, all glimpses of the metaphysical tucked away again. Brady's smiling at him, bemused and fond.
"I guess you really needed this, huh?"
Sam smiles back. "I guess I did."
With his boundaries tamped down now, the thrumming energy of the place is muted now, in the background. And, while Sam’s still feeling some of the residual euphoria, it's more of a gentle invigoration instead of the inundation from before. He'll only leave here a little recharged compared to how he felt before, but he's also not at risk of spinning out on energy intoxication.
"C'mon," Brady gestures with his head towards the north end of the cove. "Let's walk a little."
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dykefaggotry · 4 months
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This is an odd question but it relates to the porn thing. Some people I trust a lot to have good opinions have pointed out that kinks are oftentimes being essentialized by pro porn activists, when the kinks people have often mirror the popular porn categories we know. They also said that they mourn the fact that people often act like vanilla sex is being handled as something „lesser“ than kinky sex. I noticed this, too. I got confronted with porn when I was 12, drew gay porn on Twitter for a long time and noticed that there’s a lot of minors seeking out hardcore stuff that I only discovered when I was in my 20s. I kinda feel like a lot of us fandom artists unknowingly shaped these young kids and their understanding of sexuality, sometimes probably negatively. Do you think nsfw artists kinda added fuel to the fire? I can’t help but feel incredibly guilty.
throwing this under a read more just bc it got pretty long fasdfasdf
hmmm i feel like this is a pretty complex topic? but first of all i do wanna say you shouldn't feel incredibly guilty i don't think. as long as you weren't trying to expose minors to your content, i don't think you have anything to feel guilty about. minors are Going to find nsfw content one way or another and the best we can do is just make sure we are putting up 18+ warnings/screening who interacts with and follows our nsfw content, and promoting safe sex/bdsm practices for all ages. minors absolutely should Not be involved in bdsm imo, but it's better that accurate and safe info is available than not for those that choose to participate despite warnings (& this is assuming minors doing this w other minors btw it's a whooole other conversation w them "participating" w adults)
as for nsfw/fandom artists and how that relates to like. actual porn. i feel like the Biggest problem w porn (bdsm and otherwise) is the exploitation of the actors. when it comes to fanart/fanfic, there Is impact, but not nearly as large as real porn by real human actors. so while it's the responsibility of fandom nsfw creators to make sure they're doing their best to a) bar minors from their content and b) promote safe practices, i don't think you should feel Guilty and Bad for producing bdsm fan content
this is maybe getting a lil personal and is like... just my story/take and i'm sure there's other people who feel differently but. idk how old you are and we might be the same age/you might be younger bc everyone has different experiences and exposure to the internet, but i was definitely one of the kids in this case. i started seeking out nsfw fan content around middle school (stumbled on it accidentally earlier) and encountered some very very hardcore stuff young. but it's like... hm. w fanart/fanfic there's only so much realism that goes into it ykwim? and obviously acted out porn isn't "realistic" either, but they are still bound by the limits of the human body in a way fan content isn't. and that might seem like it would make fan content "more" harmful than not, but tbh i feel like it's the opposite? bc like in my case, i didn't start seeking out acted out porn until i was in my late teens and THAT'S when issues cropped up. too personal to really talk about tbh. but there's a huge huge difference, i think, psychologically, between seeing fanart of characters engaging in hardcore kink that may not even physically be possible (see: monsterfucking, size difference to an unrealistic level, omegaverse, etc) and seeing actual living breathing human beings engaging in it. there's nothing inherently wrong w either, but it's the latter that our brain constantly does the "okay more" thing with
like this is. ENTIRELY anecdotal and i really don't know if anyone's done any specific studies on it (the only studies i can think of are more about simulated c/p which is. a whooooole different story). but as far as i've seen in fandom nsfw/bdsm spaces, people kind of. find their kinks and limits and stick to them. they don't really feel the urge to press those boundaries and while sometimes they might stumble on smth more hardcore that they wind up being interested in, there doesn't seem to be that psychological push for More and Harder. on the flipside, there's been studies done about acted out porn that when viewing these things there's a point where the thing you were viewing gets old and boring and you want something New and Interesting and Harder. which is where problems come in bc oftentimes these "harder" things are like. not feasible for the human body and incredibly harmful to the actors who are usually not following safe bdsm rules and etiquette. bc safe bdsm does not Allow for these things that are like actually and permanently hurting people. like there are Horror stories abt what some porn performers go through physically bc of unsafe scenes. or in even worse cases, "more" and "harder" translates to illegal/incredibly immoral (c/p, zoo, etc). which for obvious reasons is incredibly physically and mentally harmful to the victims involved.
this got so long i'm sorry fasdfasdf but
tl;dr: i think while certainly there's an Impact on ppl from fan content, it's nowhere near as profound as the one from acted out porn. there are no people getting hurt or putting themselves in danger they do not want to be in, it's just drawn images/words on a screen. and while it sucks that people are viewing "vanilla" sex as lame/not enough, i feel like this is mostly down to acted out porn just based on anecdotal evidence. the Most we can do is just make sure we are offering as safe a space as we can that does not encourage minors to interact w it, but being mindful of the fact that they probably will anyway and provide safe resources for everyone knowing that
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crazywolfsthings · 2 years
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I have to say something about this because it is really starting to piss me off and I need to rant about this to get it off my chest, so warning for long post ahead! And I apologize if I seem all over the place, I'm writing this sleep deprived and have nothing but rage fueling me at this point.
The fact that people are getting so upset about Disney putting a scene about a girl going through her first period is so fucking stupid. And everytime I hear them trying to make an argument against it, it physically hurts to listen to it.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, Disney's newest show, "Baymax!" which is a spinoff series of the movie "Big Hero 6", has a 1 minute and 30 second scene where Baymax helps a young unprepared, confused and scared girl, who is stuck in a public bathroom, get through her first period. Baymax leaves to get her menstrual products to help but is uncertain as to what exactly he should get for her. He asks for help and people nearby gives him different options to choose from. Still unsure as to what to get for her, he buys a large variety and gives them to the girl. The scene is basically Baymax helping a young girl who's going through puberty and is experiencing a natural body function but is uncertain in how to handle it.
And people are complaining about the fact that children are being exposed to such "sexualized content". Bro, wtf do you find sexual about a period? It's a part of puberty, something that every person goes through. The only people who think this way are the sick bastards who sees girls/women as nothing more than sexual objects and that a period is an indicator that the girl is "ready to reproduce".
To start off, periods are not an adult topic. It's not something that should be censored for children. Girls aren't getting periods when they're 18 years old, when they've become "fully grown women". They're getting them while they're still young children. The average age that a child gets their first period is around 16, at the latest, and 10, at the earliest. Not to mention that the recommended age that you're child should learn about them is when they're 8 at the latest because there are cases where they can get them as young as 8.
People claim that Disney "went too far" by putting such a topic in one of their shows and are now refusing to watch anything of Disney's except for their earlier works since they're much more "child friendly". Like, bro, no they're not!
For example;
- They're ok with their child watching The Lion King, THE LION KING; a movie where the villain explicitly states that he plans on killing his own brother and child nephew for selfish reasons.
- A movie where you see a character literally being thrown to his DEATH, followed by a scene where his son finds his corpse ON SCREEN and begins to cry and cuddle up to said corpse.
- A movie where the villain blames the CHILD for the death of his father, telling him to "Run away and never return!", before sending a group of hyenas to KILL HIM.
A movie where multiple animal skeletons are shown onscreen more than once. Where in one scene where the villain grabs a fucking skull and sings a little diddy to it. FUN!
- A movie where the ending shows the shadows of the villain literally being mauled to death and presumably eaten by a pack of hyenas.
Yet despite all that, The Lion King is considered a "classic children's" movie that parents have no problems with showing their child. But the second a TAMPON is on screen, THEN they're worried about their child's "innocence".
"BuT mY cHiLd DoEsN't WaNt To SeE a ScEnE aBoUt PaDs!¡!¡"
Well, I'm pretty sure they also didn't want to see a scene where a guy gets fucking murdered by his own brother yet you have no problems with them watching that now do you?
"LeTs BoYcOtT dIsNeY!¡!¡"
Oh what's next, you're gonna boycott fucking Wal-Mart for also having menstrual care products? Go up to the store manager and demand to have them remove the entire aisle because your child might see it and get traumatized??
"cHiLdReN sHoUlD bE lEfT tO jUsT bE cHiLdReN!¡!¡"
Oh so 10 year old girls all of a sudden stop being children once they get theirs. Nothing is stopping them from being kids why are you keen on gatekeeping information form them?
"ThEy ShOuLd Be LeFt OuT oF aDuLt SiTuAtIoNs!¡!¡
Periods concern children too since they start when, surprise surprise, you're still a child.
"tHeY wOuLdN't UnDeRsTaNd!¡!¡"
By the time they're 6 or 7 years old, most kids can understand the basics of periods. And if they can understand murder and death they can understand periods.
"Oh BuT gIrLs ArE tAuGhT tHiS bY oThErS, wHy DoEs It NeEd To Be ShOwN oN tV!¡!¡"
If they already know about why tf are you so pissed about them being shown it? They're also taught about death and such and you have no problems with murder being shown in the movies. Why is this so different?
"dIsNeY sHoUlDn'T bE tRyInG tO pArEnT oThErS cHiLdReN, tHeY'lL kNoW aBoUt It WhEn ThEiR pArEnTs DeCiDe ThEy ShOuLd KnOw AbOuT iT!¡!¡"
That's like getting mad at someone for teaching your 2 year old how to walk before you decided that they were "ready to learn". If your child has to learn something like what periods are from a kids show before you teach it to them, then you've done a shit job in parenting your child. Maybe you should actually educate your child instead of constantly shoving them in front of a TV screen.
"DiSnEy HaS bEcOmE tOo WoKe!¡!¡"
Since when has having a normal bodily function become woke??
You really want to boycott a show to protect children, then fucking boycott shows that are like Toddlers & Tiaras where they have young, YOUNG girls put on heavy makeup and dance in a fucking two piece.
And the funniest thing is, a lot of these complaints I've seen about this scene are from fucking GROWN MEN keen on gatekeeping important information from young girls. And I'm sick and tired of all these sensitive snowflakes freaking out over a fucking maxi pad. Like seriously, grow up. Properly educate your child so that they don't wake up one day confused, in pain and bleeding everywhere completely unprepared. Educate your children. Actually be a parent.
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eva-knits12 · 7 months
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My take on Danny Masterson's sentence.
Trigger warning: rape and sexual assault.
I try to avoid celebrity gossip and the drama that surrounds it, but sometimes, you just can't avoid it. The Danny Masterson sentence is one of these things that we just can't avoid, and what happened, and the celebrities and the church of Scientology defending his actions is just wrong on so many levels, I don't know where to begin.
Unless you've been living under a rock, you heard that actor Danny Masterson was recently sentenced to 30 years to life in prison for sexually assaulting women. Now, we don't always know 100% of the details. We may even write this off as that there are two sides to every story. We may even give these people a pass because "it was a one time thing," "he or she made a mistake", "if you don't vocally consent, then it's not rape," etc. We've all heard these excuses, and they are enough to piss me off.
Now, I have experienced sexual harassment in my teens, but I will not go into detail about that. It was wrong, but I was in my teens. As an adult, I recognize that it was wrong on so many levels, but my parents and I did what we felt was right, and reported it to school authorities, who just swept it under the rug. If this happened to me today, I would be getting the legal system involved.
With Danny Masterson's victims, how much do we really know? I'm pretty sure that there was a lot more that happened privately that was eventually made public. If I'm not mistaken, some of these victims may have been under the age of legal consent, which is 16 in most states.
One of his victims was an ex-girlfriend who reported it to the Church of Scientology. What did they do? They made her look like the bad guy, while he got away with raping her scot-free. She didn't go to the police because with that cult, you NEVER go to law enforcement. The sick part was a lawyer for the church said that it wasn't rape since they were in a relationship, and she had consented. Danny had violated her bodily autonomy and he may have possibly used a roofie, or some other drug. I say possibly because as I have already stated, we don't know 100% of the details. Only two people know what really happened, and there was a good chance that she was drugged.
For a while, all of these victims were either intimidated into silence, or bullied into silence by the church of Scientology. When they finally worked up the courage to go to the authorities and report it, it may have been too late. I'm not sure what the law regarding rape and sexual assault is in California, because I sure don't live there. I live in suburban Detroit, where the laws regarding rape and sexual assault are way different. By the time the victims finally reported Danny Masterson to the authorities, they had left the Church of Scientology, so when they left, the statute of limitations had already run out.
The first victim held Danny accountable. The sick part? His wife, Bijou Phillips stood by him blindly! If I were in that position, my first thought would be to take my child or children and run for the hills, then file for divorce! They also have a child, a daughter I think, and what lesson does that teach her? Does she think what Daddy did to these women is normal? Does she think that it's normal for Mommy to be defending this sick man? Does she have any stronger male and female role models in her young life who can model what true strength is and give her that much needed discussion about consent?
When more victims spoke out, and well after the authorities were involved, Danny was finally arrested. The victims feel vindicated, more so now that he is in jail. Finally, he is being punished by law for his actions. The sick part? The Church of Scientology still defends his actions.
His friends who are not in Scientology or even associated with the cult, are defending him. I'm not sure if they're being paid off by his team, and they are just as sick as he is for defending him. Some of those defending him are women, which just makes this situation even sicker!
My personal take is that Danny Masterson is a rapist and a predator. Cut and dry. I hope his victims are seeking therapy because they are going to need it in order to move forward and move on with their lives.
Everyone was shocked when he was fired from his Netflix show when all of these allegations came out, and I wouldn't be surprised if he is now blacklisted from Hollywood. We all know of Bill Cosby, who had the exact same fate as Danny Masterson. I mentioned that Danny Masterson is a Scientologist, and that the church defended his actions.
We all watched That '70's Show. We all related to those characters because we all knew those characters and were one of those characters. I related to Eric, and we all knew an Eric, a Donna, a Jackie, a Kelso, a Hyde, a Fez, a Laurie, a Rhett, a Kitty, a Midge, and a Bob in high school. I admit that I watched That '70's Show, and I kept watching it. It was a quirky, funny teen show, and it was much different than Dawson's Creek.
Danny Masterson and the cult he is in are NOT above the law. Nobody is above the law.
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joshisurcrush · 10 months
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"IT" by Stephen King
To preface this, the book is nothing like the movie. It's absolutely nothing like the movie. They took the characters' names and three isolated events from the book that were roughly three pages long each, and then made a movie out of that. If you watched the movie, don't associate it with my following review.
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Heads up, I ABUSE brackets (constantly), and another FYI: There’ll be a level of abuse/sex/gore talk, so it might be in your best interest to skip this review if you’re sensitive to that.
IT (by Stephen King) was super crazy, I loved it, and my overactive imagination did too. The characters are pretty good (I'd kiss Richie Tozier on the lips in a mildly homoerotic way), the story is laid out so nicely and the word choice is insane. Even as someone who’s not a native speaker but started English along with basic multiplication, I’ve had to search up some words. Sure, the book might have given me nightmares about flying leeches biting dime-sized holes into my arms and flying into my mouth to then blow up to the size of a balloon as they fill with my blood, but it was fun to read. Wild ride. I also liked the perspective switch, graphic detailing, and the way that the horrible events described were used as a vessel to talk about bigger things. This book basically scratched all of my itches. A need for gore, a need for emotional depth, a need for comedic relief, a need for poetry, a need for murder and for horrors beyond my comprehension.
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Ok, I'm gonna elaborate a bit further to do the story justice. I drip-fed the book to myself slowly, reading a bit every day, five days a week, and it took me... weeks. Well, currently it's one of my favorite books and there's good reason for it. First off, the perspective switches were awesome. Point, end of the story, I don’t care how you stand to Stephen King himself, the plot or anything else relating the book. Incredible. I like how you were able to see everything from everyone's perspective, how there were subjective and objective accounts of things, diary entries, news articles, etc. Had me cumming and nutting I swear to god and little baby jesus, it's so good.
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Second, the family dynamics were well-written. I'm a cause-and-effect type of guy, and I like when characters are fleshed out, and there's a rhyme and reason as to why they're the way they are. King (Stephen King, the author) executes this fantastically by letting you meet the families of most of the losers (that's what they call the main characters if you were unaware.) 
For example, we're introduced to Bill's post-Georgie apathetic, cold family (giving him a motive to kill IT, since he thinks it'll make his family care about him again). We meet Eddie Kaspbrak’s mother, a fat and overly emotional lady that sort of abused him (I'm sure that the way she treated him was abusive actually) and she ended up really shaping his character from a young age.
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Mike Hanlon's family was awesome and supportive though, real model family, but he got crap for being african american (the story’s set in 1958, it was really bad for Mike). Richie Tozier also had a good family (probably the most normal), and Stan Uris did as well (he went birdwatching a lot with his dad.) Bev's family, I think, was the worst of all because her dad physically and emotionally abused her, and well as attempting to sexually abuse her. This is later reflected in the man she marries, Tom, who physically, emotionally, and sexually abuses her. It was very hard to read, I'm gonna be honest. I didn't know what it feels like to read something with a lump in your throat until I read the parts about Tom and Beverly. Plus, it's like... ultra-triggering for survivors of abuse, it was pretty triggering to me, so I'd discourage anyone who went through that kind of stuff from reading. If you really wanna read IT though, as a sexual assault survivor or someone who’s easily triggered by stuff related to SA, you should skip over the Beverly POVs because frankly, they're just brutal.
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Well, on a lighter note, I like how Stephen King wrote sex in this book (it's a continuous theme.) And before you judge me, I'm praising him for being thorough enough, but also vague enough. The story is not an erotica, it's not meant to be hot. Sex is mentioned as a form of bond, as a form of abuse (holy shit there's so much abuse in this book, it's absolutely packed with it), and also mentioned in the "losing your childhood / growing old" sort of way which becomes VERY important later in the story. Sex is only insinuated in the story, it's not graphic, you don't get any action out of it and it's only for the plot which I find awesome. Even in the part where adult Bill cheats on his wife with also-adult Beverly (lol), sex is only insinuated, even though it's the only actual erotic scene in the book. Felt like mentioning it on the side, but I *do* think that the way that King wrote about ten-year-old Beverly Marsh’s body way very, very weird; but I was able to let it slide because it wasn’t too frequent and medium in severity. Still think King is kinda messed for describing a kid’s body that way.
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Lastly, the poetry is crazy good, and the way he strings together the literal dozens of characters with their own individual stories and experiences is so well-executed. King unironically sat down, created a masterpiece, and dipped. Everything fits into place, all the experiences come together to form this... beautiful picture with no loose threads. Everything ties off together, there are no plotholes and the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. I'm getting goosebumps and a boner thinking about this (I'm a writer, how could you tell?), but the only thing I didn't like about the book is how it ends. I’m gonna ruin Christmas, but essentially IT ends with all of them moving to different states/places and forgetting each other, like, a full memory wipe, and just going back to their lives before that. They're slightly improved though, because Bev leaves her abusive husband and Ben gets a promotion, along with Bill's depression lightening up.
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Now comes something that really ruffles my feathers. I hate Ben's and Beverly's relationship toward the end. I hate, hate, hate it. If the word HATE was printed tiny, 10 times onto every square inch of the 1184 pages of the IT paperback, it wouldn't be able to touch the amount of HATE HATE HATE that I feel for the relationship between the two. Bev could have ended up with anyone else. Richie would’ve been ideal, maybe Eddie, hell, Bill would have even been fine if his wife had died. But Ben? Ben the weirdo who's fantasized about touching her breasts starting in fourth grade? Ben who never got over her, even as she was married? Ben who couldn't back the heck off? Ben, the lonely pig who I wished had died instead of Eddie in the finale of the book? I guess he's not as bad as Tom, but holy, I was dreading the Bev&Ben arc, and it ended up being confirmed at the end of the book. Screw that, bro. 
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Still doesn't take away from how good the book was. I'd rate it a solid ten.
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sizzlingpatrolfox · 2 years
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"sudden interest" jimin has always been a football fan, both as a spectator and player. In the knowing brothers episode he also set the record of ball juggling I forget how many he got but it was a lot. Either the person is a new fan, or as 90% of people in this fandom they see jimin inside a box of their own creation, just a nice soft gay boy, who acts cute and does aegyo and only likes pretty things.
About his fashion sense. He's just following the overall trends, back then tight pants were the standard but now, to my demise, big and baggy pants made a comeback. Also he's probably more confortable just going out in comfy outfits instead of tight jeans that made him look like a whole meal but were for sure not comfortable for long flights. Back then they were still very much in the idol bubble and were just starting in america so I think all of them were "trying" more and are more relaxed now.
- sudden interest in football? does anon need a list of all the sports he’s played since he was a child? He even posted pics of his younger self at football matches and only butch queens wear plaid anon so technically he’s still gay right? lmfao
---
"to my demise, big and baggy pants made a comeback" I hate it too.
I had read that baggy pants are trendy right now in Korea, many people have said it. And I see it. I honestly don't know much about trends, much less in other countries, but yeah I have noticed the same.
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He made some points. I feel represented.
I'm kidding 😸
Maybe some people don't really know, but Jungkook and Jimin are both the most sports-oriented BTS members. Jimin did kendo for 8 years. That's literally like, a third of his short life so far. He also has a black belt in taekwondo. The man can definitely throw a punch or kick a ball.
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(This looks fake 😭 but he actually said something like that).
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I feel like, apart from not knowing some stuff about Jimin, which is perfectly fine because nobody is obligated to know everything, there's also a huge difference in how younger lgbtq folks grow up.
When I was a kid (and Jimin was also one, we're the same age), we didn't grow up with sexuality at the center of our lives. Everyone grew up the same way, playing the same games, watching the same things. Maybe if there's someone younger reading this they won't get it, but people my age will probably know what I'm talking about, especially if they're from a third world country. Most kids, particularly those that live in countries where English is not the first language, we all grew up at a "slower" pace than kids in English speaking countries.
I only knew what bisexuality was in like 2004 because I saw a magazine headline or some gossip website about Angelina Jolie being bisexual. After that, the next time I remember of even seeing the word bisexual and actually learning what it meant, that was in 2009 thanks to lady Gaga. My sister was 8 and she already knew what the LGBTQ flag looked like, while I think I was around 15 when I started being familiar with the flag. That was crazy to me. It seriously was a wow moment to find out that she was so young and she already knew a lot of LGBTQ stuff I didn't know when I was her age.
"We live in a society" is a meme that I love because we really do live in a society. A huge part, the majority of how we grow up and develop and learn is conditioned by the society and culture we live in.
As much as kids activities aren't exactly "gendered" anymore, and some pockets of society are more accepting of girls playing football or boys doing ballet, and stuff like that, kids are also politically gay from very early on in life. I see a lot of kids in social media purposefully "rebelling" by doing things that are seen as wrong or that could irk homophobes. And they're so young. Most of us only became political gays in our 20s.
I don't know if I'm making any sense. I just sometimes read armys talking about gay people and it hits me that millennials really do have a somewhat different way of living their sexuality compared to younger kids. And talking about how can a gay man like football reminded me of that. The point is, I guess kids teens and young adults lives nowadays are crossed by their experience of their sexuality, and most grow up experiencing and living their sexuality to the max, whether is in real life or online. But 20 years ago that was not the case.
With the rise of social media culture, sexuality has even become something performative and so people expect other gay people to act in real life the same way gays act on their TikTok videos.
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sonicunleash · 2 years
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Sonic for the ask game
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@werehog
WHOA TWO OF THEM
Sonic
Sexuality Headcanon: ohhh gay absolutely. though I see a lot of people hc him as bisexual too and I also think thats so awesome :)
Gender Headcanon: trans guy who is SO gnc. I've always seen him as being so open and proud about his sexuality and gender but its like. DOUBLY so for his gender he's just so unapologetic about being transgender and being trans and his own way and he's going to make sure the world knows it
A ship I have with said character: s/nkn/xadow admittedly. All three dynamics really appeal to me and have so much going for them when it comes to parallels and opposites and also just being silly and fun. but only the dynamics in my head and in canon literally everyone is wrong about the s/nadow dynamic because they want to make both characters into flat fanfiction tropes and want to make it out to be more special than it is and theyre just so generally annoying about it that it comes off like i hate it but really im just really picky and hate the fandom version of it. i think they are silly. s/nknux (NOT THE MOVIE VERSION) however is the world though it is that deep. if I talk about them in depth though this post is going to get so long so ill leave it at that. but also shipping isn't that serious. unrelated to actually shipping but i hc that most of his friends and rivals (THAT ARE CLOSE TO HIS AGE) have had crushes on sonic at some point i think its really silly to the point of being a bit. everyone sitting at a table like raise your hand if youve crushed on sonic at some point and all these hands go up and sonic like "uh. did i do that."
A BROTP I have with said character: SONIC AND TAILS FRRRR SEGA PLEAAAASE let them act like actual brothers in game like tails isnt just his sidekick tails is sonics BROTHER they are each others most important person. they live together they mess with each other they hold prank contests that will go in history books they know almost everything about each other. they found each other when they were orphans and are both each others first friend and first family. people talk about how much that means to tails but it means just as much to sonic
A NOTP I have with said character: all the gross stuff but especially shoutout to s/namy oh my god can everyone shut the fuck up about it being "basically canon" SHES 12 YOU FUCKERS SHES 12!!!!!!!!ITS UNREQUITED OH MY GOD SHES 12!!!!!!! Other than that uhhhh... m/tonic and s/nourge like sorry metal fucking hates him and scourge is literally Him from another dimension thats weird. stop.
A random headcanon: OOOOO well I know sonic being an orphan is pretty much canon but i have to say i just LOVE the idea of sonic being an orphan and VERY much an outcast growing up (something something tails parallels). he ran away from whoever was raising him (and probably raising other orphans) at a pretty young age and his powers didn't make it hard to avoid other adults and stuff like school and stuff. anyways long story short he pretty much didnt have anything except for what he stole and pulled together for himself-- he gave himself his own name (transgender) and everything. I'm just a big sucker for heroes who have the craziest powers and have become the most powerful people around but come from the most humble origins and at the end of the day they're just another person like us.
General Opinion over said character: HE'S MY BEST FRIEND!!! He's EVERYONES best friend like i promise you if sonic was real he would be your friend and make you feel special and awesome because he is so nice and friendly. god i wish sonic was real the world needs a sonic so bad
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peggystormborn · 1 year
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Ally is seeing a proper not Tracey Ullman-y shrink, who is of course Betty White (no offense to Tracey, but BETTY! WHITE! I mean you don't get more iconic). Betty wants to put her on Prozac. Which, this being a wacky comedy, is itself framed as cuckoo bananapants bc of being "mind altering". To which I would say... Might wanna fast forward 20 years y'all.
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The firm has a case involving a high school dude who kissed someone against their will, and his rich daddy wants to get him out of it. I'm interested to see where this will go given that THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME MORE THAN ONCE AS A TEEN/YOUNG ADULT. Including my very first kiss at 14 when an older boy who was the son of my chemistry teacher basically grabbed me and stuck his tongue down my throat which then led to a HUGE fight with one of my best friends who liked him and blamed me for what happened.
Me, ready to unpack a fuckload of childhood trauma through an incredibly poorly-aged lawyer show:
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Billy has a secret meeting and is bullshitting Georgia about it.
Ally: I am a very happy person! Richard, do you know anyone happier than me?
Richard: I used to, but he jumped off a bridge.
Here we go, Billy is hitting up the shitty toxic incel men's rights group where he straight up says "I'm Billy and I'm a male chauvinist pig" which... Is this self awareness? Or just giving himself permission to be the shittiest version of himself? Like dude the fact that you are generally pro female equality doesn't negate your admission of wanting your own wife to be home barefoot pregnant and existing solely in orbit around you. If these dudes were applauding your confession because it's the first stage of unlearning your toxic masculinity that would be one thing but...I don't think that's what they're doing.
It's honestly pretty amazing they got Barry White and Al Green (plus bonus Gladys Knight!) to show up as recurring characters who are wacky hallucinations in Ally's batshit brain.
Fun musical interlude!
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Nelle is still rightly pissed about the non consensual spankage. The weird episode long parallel with the loser boy being bullied does not service this narrative well. At all.
Richard tags along to Billy's shitty asshole man child group and somehow manages to emasculate all of them for being dickless and not standing up to their women. It comes out HORRIFIC in that doofy Richard way but I'm going to choose to see it as reverse psychology on the weirdos because Richard has spent both his long term relationships absolutely cat o' nine tails pussy-whipped. (Richard, back at the office, calls their little group a cult so imma stand by this interpretation. He also tells Georgia Billy must be fucking terrible in bed lately which...
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BILLY "MICRODICK" THOMAS IS GARBAGE IN BED CONFIRMED)
I'm pretty sure ally's pharmacist just committed a HIPAA violation.
Billy tells Georgia after they have kids he would throw a shit fit unless she gives up her job, forgets about partnership, stays skinny and blows him whenever he wants.
Georgia: I never saw this in you.
Billy: I didn't see it in me either.
Uh. No Billy, YOU WERE INTENTIONALLY HIDING IT STOP GASLIGHTING EVERYONE.
Jesus Ally quit waffling and take your fucking meds I can't believe you're on the fence about this when you're hallucinating shit that's disrupting both your career and personal life.
Oh Nelle don't do what I think you're about to do.
Ohhhh she did. She kissed the teenager. In his school. Because she says if she did in private she could be arrested. Nelle you're a lawyer I'm pretty sure you know venue is not a factor in statutory sexual assault.
Georgia: you ran from Ally because you didn't feel you could subordinate her. ME you marry.
Billy: ... Can't you see I'm struggling with this? ...I'm just saying what every man thinks. ...I want a wife with a nice body who can raise kids. Does it mean I want a bimbo? No, but I don't want a big fat raging feminist either.
Georgia: YOU are a PIG!
Billy: Which is why I went to the meeting!
Georgia: A male pig meeting to get SENSITIVE?
Billy: This is what I get for talking to you!
Georgia: No, THIS is what you get for marrying someone who can talk back!
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ENGRAVE THIS ON MY TOMBSTONE.
The scene somehow ends on this don't ask.
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Elaine then tries to up her shit-stirring game by goading Ally into chasing a butthurt wound-licking Billy down at the bar. Ally says fuck that and goes home. And since she didn't take the Prozac I guess we're meant to infer this as growth although I still would have preferred normalizing medication since it's literally totally normal.
The Al Green thing is still silly but Calista dance walking with him down the street is actually pretty cute. Of course then he disappears into a glitter cloud so. Okay.
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sludgest · 1 year
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> IT by Stephen King
TW: Abuse, Sex talk, Gore, Godawful Shipping etc.
To preface this, the book is nothing like the movie. It's absolutely nothing like the movie. They took the characters' names and three isolated events from the book that were like... three pages long each, and then made a movie out of that. If you’re thinking of the movie, don't associate it with my following review, even though I’ll be using movie ss to make the review more visually appealing. I repeat, this is not about the movie.
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TW: abuse, sex talk, gore
IT, by Stephen King, was super crazy, I loved it, and my overactive imagination did too. the characters are so good, I'd kiss Richie Tozier on the lips in a mildly homoerotic way, the story is laid out so nicely and the word choice is insane. Sure, it might have given me nightmares about flying leeches biting dime-sized holes into my arms and flying into my mouth, but it was fun to read. Wild ride. I also liked the perspective switch, graphic detailing, and the way that these horrible events were used as a vessel to talk about philosophy. This book basically scratched all of my itches. A need for gore, a need for emotional depth, a need for comedic relief, a need for poetry, a need for murder and horrors beyond my comprehension.
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Ok, I'm gonna elaborate a bit further to do the story justice. I drip-fed the book to myself slowly, reading a bit every day, five days a week, and it took me... weeks. Well, currently it's my favorite book (no other books have breached the 10-point mark yet) and there's good reason for it. 
First off, the perspective switches were awesome. Point, end of the story. Incredible. I like how you were able to see everything from everyone's perspective, how there were subjective and objective accounts of things, diary entries, news articles, etc. Had me cumming and nutting I swear to god it's so good.
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Second, the family dynamics were well-written. I'm a cause-and-effect type of guy, and I like when characters are fleshed out, and there's a rhyme and reason as to why they're the way they are. King (Stephen King, the author) executes this fantastically by letting you meet the families of most of the losers (that's what they call the main characters if you were unaware.) 
For example, we're introduced to Bill's apathetic, cold family (giving him a motive to kill IT, since he thinks it'll make his family care about him again), we meet Eddie Kaspbraks mother, a fat, and overly emotional lady that sort of abused him (I'm pretty sure that the way she treated him was abusive) and really shaped his character from a young age. Mike Hanlon's family was awesome and supportive, real model family, but he got crap for being african american (story set in 1958, it was really bad for Mike). Richie Tozier also had a good family, Stan Uris as well (he went birdwatching a lot with his dad.) Bev's family, I think, was the worst of all because her dad physically and emotionally abused her, and well as attempting to sexually abuse her. This is later reflected in the man she marries, Tom, who physically, emotionally and sexually abuses her. It was very hard to read, I'm gonna be honest. I didn't know what it feels like to read something with a lump in your throat until I read the parts about Tom and Beverly. Plus, it's like... ultra-triggering for survivers of abuse, so I'd discourage anyone who went through that kind of stuff from reading. If you really wanna read IT though, you should skip over the Beverly POVs because frankly, they're just brutal.
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Well, third, I like how Stephen King wrote sex in this book (it's a continuous theme.) And before you judge me, I'm praising him for being thorough enough, but vague enough. The story is not an erotica, it's not meant to be hot. Sex is mentioned as a form of bond, as a form of abuse (holy shit there's so much abuse in this book, it's absolutely packed with it), and also mentioned in the "losing your childhood" sort of way which becomes VERY important later in the story. Sex is only insinuated in the story, it's not graphic, you don't get any action out of it and it's only for the plot which I find awesome. Even in the part where adult Bill cheats on his wife with also-adult Beverly (lol), sex is only insinuated, even though it's the only actual erotic scene in the book. 
Lastly, the poetry is crazy, and the way he strings together the literal dozens of characters with their own individual stories and experiences is so well-executed. King unironically sat down, created a masterpiece and dipped. Everything fits into place, all the experiences come together to form this... beautiful picture with no loose threads. I'm getting goosebumps and a boner thinking about this (I'm a writer, how could you tell?), but the only thing I didn't like about the book is how it ends. 
(It ends with all of them moving to different states/places and forgetting each other, like, a full memory wipe, and just going back to their lives before that. They're slightly improved though, because Bev leaves her abusive husband and Ben gets a promotion, along with Bill's depression lightening up.)
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Now comes something that really ruffles my feathers. I hate Ben's and Beverly's relationship. I hate, hate, hate it. If the word HATE was printed tiny, 10 times onto every square inch of the 1184 pages of the IT paperback, it wouldn't be able to touch the amount of HATE HATE HATE that I feel for the relationship between the two. Bev could have ended up with anyone else. Richie, maybe Eddie, hell, Bill would have even be fine. But Ben? Ben the weirdo who's fantasized about touching her breasts starting in fourth grade? Ben who never got over her, even as she was married? Ben who couldn't back the heck off? Ben, the lonely, fat pig who I wished had died instead of Eddie in the finale of the book? I guess he's not as bad as Tom, but holy, I was dreading the Bev&Ben arc, and it ended up being confirmed at the end of the book. Screw that, man. 
Still doesn't take away from how good the book was. I'm rating it a solid ten. 
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