#they're just so Real | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

janetbrown711 · 1 year

Text

Fine, Great

Part two: electric boogaloo

It's MK's perspective time !

tw for smoking

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 8.5 Part 9

Ao3 Link

“OoOOOooo, who’s callin’?” Mei asked, pinching her last bean dumpling shut.

“Ah– no one. I’ll call back later,” Pigsy hung up and set his phone on silent. “You two done?”

“Yes sir Mr. Piggy,” Mei gave a big old grin. MK panicked at that– quickly twisting the last five in front of him and placing them on the tray with a nervous smile and thumbs up.

Pigsy chuckled. “Alright, how’s about you go set the table then?”

MK didn’t know how to set a table. It wasn’t really practice at his old home. It was more of a “paper plates and utensils if you’re lucky” kind of deal– if there even was food, because there was a solid amount of days there straight up wasn’t anything.

“Do we gotta?” Mei flopped onto the kitchen counter, making MK giggle but also get nervous about how Mr. Pigsy would react.

When the chef rolled his eyes, he nearly flinched, though relaxed when he said, “If we finish early and you two’re still up for it, we can get you some dragon’s beard candy, alright?” instead of threatening them.

MK looked to Mei for their next course of action, which was when in an act of pure betrayal, she dashed off to the plates, starting a silent race without him that he struggled to catch up.

“HA HA! They should call you MK the Slowpoke,” Mei smirked as she slammed her plate down.

“Well they should call you Mei the… um…” MK thought furiously for a good comeback before snapping.

“They should call you Mei the Meany Dragon Girl,” He smirked and crossed his arms in his victory.

“Original,” Mei raised her eyebrows in mockery.

“Yeah, well so is ‘slow poke’,” MK rolled his eyes.

Mei just blew a raspberry at that, before the kids both erupted into a laughing fit.

“Being mean really isn’t our thing, is it MK?” Mei snorted.

MK shook his head. “Looks like we’re stuck on the good guy team.”

“Rats. And here I thought I’d look really cool in red and black,” Mei shook her head ‘solemnly’.

MK shrugged with a grin. “Who knows? Maybe we can find a cool bad guy who can turn us evil for us– maybe with mind control OooOOoOoo,” MK wiggled his fingers.

“Ooo! Yeah! And they can have cool fire or ice powers,” Mei grinned. “And then it’ll be all like ‘Oh MK-! Please wake up! Who will be my bestie without you?!”

“Oh puh-lease, as if I’d ever turn evil without you,” MK elbowed her.

“Yeah you right,” Mei elbowed her bestie right back. “C’mon– let’s go get the other plates and stuff.”

MK nodded and the two were gonna head out to the kitchen when they saw Mr. Pigsy and Mr. Tang standing very close together slicing the lotus root.

MK was going to just keep walking in, but Mei grabbed his arm and yanked him back.

“What the heck was that for?” MK rubbed his arm, but Mei shushed him.

“I wanna see what they’re doing and you were just gonna walk in and ruin it!” Mei whisper-yelled, getting low and peaking around the corner.

“They’re just slicing lotus,” MK looked back at the demon and scholar, not finding anything all that interesting.

The two men broke apart and started laughing, which made Mei’s eyes narrow.

“Somethin’s weird about them, MK, I can feel it,” She said.

“Weird? What’s weird?” MK was genuinely lost when Tang suddenly exclaimed, causing Mei to jump back to her feet.

“Well, guess that’s over now,” Mei dusted herself off. “Still weird though.”

“Mei, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” MK stated flatly and Mei rolled her eyes.

“Maybe you’re now MK the Oblivious Kid,” She teased again, watching as Pigsy hovered behind Mr. Tang, and there was a knock at the door. The kids looked at each other in confusion, before deciding to step out and watch as Tang disappeared to the bathroom and their guardian didn’t open the door.

“Who do you think it is?” MK whispered to Mei.

Mei shrugged. “Hope it’s not cops again– I can’t even think of anything bad we did.”

MK hoped it wasn’t cops either.

And then Pigsy opened the door, whereupon a large female pig demon burst through and started showering their guardian in kisses and affections, startling all three of them.

“Ah– there’s my widdle Pigsy-wigsy! My, you’ve gotten so fat– why are you wearing your glamor at home? Also why didn’t you tell your father and I you moved??? Oh I missed you so much,” She had said as she did.

“Pigsy-wigsy?????” Mei had to physically hold back her laughter by slapping a hand over her mouth.

“Ma– Pops– you really shouldn’t’ve come,” The guardian said, straining.

Mei and MK shared a look at that.

“Oh I know, I know– but that’s why I called– you know, I really didn’t expect you to suddenly move into a place like this– is that a genuine Bluthner piano? Oh, you know your nana and I used to own a piano in the house Papa bought– wasn’t genuine ivory or anything but it was real lovely. Oh, you know that one song that–”

“Wow, that ‘Ma’ can really talk,” MK had no interest in piano and so easily tuned it out, instead looking at the absolutely hulking demon standing in the door, whom he made eye contact with.

“Who’re the humans?” The demon asked and Pigsy glanced at them anxiously.

Hm.

“Ah– well– um– it’s complicated, but I’m their– uh– legal guardian now,” Pigsy said, and the bigger demon stepped inside, an ice cold stare still over MK and Mei. MK didn’t know why he said it was complicated– seemed pretty straight forward to him.

MK met the demon's gaze, and decided maybe complimenting him would make him relax or smile or something.

“Wow– you’re really tall Mr. Pops, sir.”

Wow that sounded stupid.

“I like your tusks! They’re cool!” Mei went along with MK, much to his relief. It helped she was right too– he had biiiig tusks that MK once thought Pigsy had but he’d only seen them when the chef had been asleep in the old apartment.

Just then, ‘Ma’ emerged from around the corner, and practically rushed to ‘Pops’ side.

“Oh my great sage– Who are these absolute cuties? Are they like your little delivery boy and girl? Oh you know that’s just the sweetest little idea– I’m Zhu Jiayi, and this is my husband Zhu Hangleng– we’re Mr. Pigsy’s Ma and Pa,” She all but pinched their cheeks.

MK’s face lit up. ““Woah! We got grandparents?” he jumped and looked to Mei, who was equally excited at the prospect.

“Grandparents? That’s–” Miss Granny Jiayi looked at Pigsy before letting go of her husband's arm and hugging her son. “Oh Pigsy– why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve brought gifts-!” She clapped before suddenly turning to anger and punching his arm. “How long have you kept this from me?! I remember tellin’ you specifically if you ever gave me grandbabies you were supposed to call me immediately.”

“Wow– talk about nice,” Mei snickered.

“She’s just like you,” MK smirked and she elbowed him.

“Woah– woah– I– it’s not like that– they’re full human– if dragon counts as that–” Pigsy broke the hug and shook his head. ““It happened so fast and strangely– I couldn’t explain it if I tried.”

Ignoring that, MK looked back at Jiayi and Hangleng and smiled. “This is so cool! I’ve never had a granny or grandpa before.”

It was true– of, at least he thought so. Being randomly found on the street probably meant he had no original grandparents and his ‘parents’ didn’t have any either.

“Oh please, call me your Nainai, you absolute cuties,” Again the female demon fawned over them.

“Oh sweet! I’ve never had a Nainai and Yeye bef–”

“Just call me Mr. Zhu,” Pigsy’s father interrupted coldly.

Oh…

“Hangleng– don’t be a pain,” Pigsy’s mother elbowed Mr. Zhu, but the elder demon just kept looking coldly at MK– making this all feel strangely familiar.

Thankfully, Mr. Tang finally emerged from the bathroom, and Mr. Pigsy’s parents focused their attention on him instead.

Well. Except Mr. Zhu.

“MK, is this guy still staring at us, or is that just me?” Mei whispered to him.

MK shrugged and made a face that made Mei snort but keep her focus foward.

After about a minute of this weird standoff, Mr. Zhu’s attention was finally given to Tang, who was looking pretty uncomfortable now that MK looked at him.

He started listening to the conversation just as Miss Jianyi was saying, “...I mean– seriously– the least you could do is let us meet our little grandbabies after turning off your phone and not telling us about ‘em in the first place– not to mention barely answering any of my calls this past year.”

“Well that sounds kinda mean of Mr. Piggy,” Mei remarked.

MK kinda understood though.

“Of course,” Their guardian sighed. “MK? Mei? Could you set the table for two more?” he turned to them, making MK jump and nod.

“Ah– actually, maybe just one– I-i should get going–” Mr. Tang stopped the two from moving as they looked on in even more confusion.

“What-? You can’t go– you won’t get free food like this anywhere else,” the chef said, and while Mr. Pigsy’s words were funny, his voice sounded sad.

“Oh, I just–” Tang looked at Pigsy’s parents, then MK and Mei, and then barely at Pigsy. “I-i can’t intrude on this whole ‘family’ business– ‘Sides I think I might need stitches for this cut so I should head to an urgent care–”

“Ah, I see. You got folks that can pick you up?” Pigsy’s mother looked at the scholar.

Tang took another step back. “I– I really should go–”

“Tang, wait–” Pigsy grabbed his arm, but Tang yanked it away, startling even MK and Mei.

“Okay, this is definitely weird now,” Mei whispered and MK couldn’t help but nod.

“Oh, well I supposed I could drive you if you’d like– we can be back here in just a jiffy,” Mrs. Zhu said, digging through her purse.

“A-Actually-! I-I’m fine! Totally fine! I just— I need some… air,” He glanced at Pigsy before speed walking to his room.

“This is weird weird,” MK whispered back to Mei. “Think I should ask?”

Mei shrugged, and MK raised his hand.

“Mr. Piggy, why is Tang acting weird?” he asked.

Their guardian’s eyes were forced away from his bedroom door with great difficulty as he cleared his throat and scratched his neck. “Ah, well–” Poor Pigsy couldn’t get two real words out before Miss Jiayi interrupted.

“Seems like the boy doesn’t have any manners,” she answered for Pigsy with a huff.

“I take back what I said Mei– you’re much nicer,” MK whispered and Mei bobbed in agreement.

His mother wasn’t finished though. “Seriously– who wants to leave a feast they’re invited to and then declines a ride? And then he just needs ‘air’ – you know, I’m just glad he’s not your boyfriend or somethin’ because he just seems–”

Boyfriend??? Is that allowed???

Now it seemed it was Mr. Pigsy’s turn to interrupt with “MK, Mei– why don’t you two go freshen up a bit and I’ll call you when the food is ready, alright?”

Freshen up? What was “freshening up”?

“What if I don’t wanna?” Mei probably knew what the word meant.

“D’aww, these kiddos are precious Jiejie,” Pigsy’s mother walked over to Mei and patted her head. “And I know you didn’t teac–”

“Kids. Rooms. Now.”

Now there’s an order MK didn’t need to hear twice. The boy immediately took Mei’s hand and scampered off to their rooms– where they decided to sit on Mei’s bed to talk instead of “freshening up”.

“So– uh– they seem… weird,” Mei said, flopping on her bed, causing the springs to bounce a couple of times.

“Yeah– I thought grandparents are s’pposed to be nice and stuff,” MK agreed, picking up one of Mei’s dragon plushies and lifting it above his head to look into its beady eyes.

“Eh,” Mei shrugged. “It’s about equal I’d say– plus if Mr. Piggy’s a big grump, makes sense his pops would be too.”

“He’s not a total grump, right?” MK dropped the plush on his face.

Mei took her plushie back with a laugh. “Guess not– maybe that’s his ma’s half.”

“Ooooh, makes sense,” MK agreed, picking up one of her pillows and holding it above him again. “You think that means his dad’s got a secret good side?”

“Who knows,” Mei shrugged and took the pillow from MK before he could drop it on his face again. “All I know is that I’d rather meet his Nana instead.”

“Yeah. Sucks that she’s dead,” MK agreed.

“Man, why do people gotta die? It’s so lame,” Mei huffed and sat upright in her bed.

“Yeah– sucks your parents are dead too,” MK sympathized.

Mei nodded, looking at the dragon plush in her lap. “Sucks your parents didn’t die sooner. I bet I could’ve convinced Mama and Baba to adopt you.”

“You think?” MK smiled a little.

“Totally– even if you are a total slowpoke,” Mei grinned and MK picked up a pillow and hit her with it.

That escalated into something of a pillow fight until one of Mei’s pillows ripped open and feathers went flying– to which MK and Mei quickly scrambled to try and shove feathers back in before deciding to bury the pillow under her bed and take this to their graves.

“So… how long do you think ‘til Mr. Piggy’s gonna call us back in?” Mei asked, flopping back onto her bed after successfully hiding the evidence.

“Heck if I know– I’m just surprised I haven’t heard shouting yet,” MK picked up a dragon action figure she had on a shelf and started messing with it. Mei laughed despite it not really being a joke.

“Maybe he’s done talkin’ with them and went to Mr. Tang?” Mei suggested, which made enough sense.

“You think that means we can go out now? I’m starvinggggg,” MK grabbed his stomach dramatically.

Mei snorted and sat up, “Do you wanna talk to– uh– “Nai Nai” and Mr. Zhu?”

“Kinda..?” MK scratched his neck. “I dunno why– I mean– they seemed kinda mean, but Mr. Piggy can be kinda mean too so– I dunno.”

“Alright, I’ll go if you do,” Mei hopped off her bed.

“Cool cool,” MK grinned as Mei took the action figure from his hand and put it back on her shelf before they quickly crept out of their room.

Pigsy had indeed left, as his mother was working in the kitchen and Mr. Zhu was–

Smoking.

MK hated smoking.

“C’mon, let’s go,” Mei grabbed his arm before he could refuse and so forced him to walk into the kitchen.

“Oh there you two little angels are,” Pigsy’s mother smiled down at them. “I was just checking on the spiced bean dumplings– they still need a minute to cool,” She said, taking them out of the oven and MK’s stomach growled.

“Miss Nai Nai, do you know where Mr. Piggy is?” MK asked her.

“Mr. Piggy? Miss Nai Nai? What’s with all the formality kid?” Jiayi looked at him strangely as she set the tray down on the island.

“Um– respect?” MK scratched his head.

“We’re family, kiddo, no matter what Bajie says,” She patted MK’s head with an oven mit.

“Oh but Mr. Zhu–”

“Mr. Zhu was being rude earlier,” She raised her voice so Pigsy’s father could hear from the couch, no doubt. When he didn’t respond, she growled. “Just call him Hangleng, dear. We don’t need any ‘misters’ or ‘missus’ around here.”

Mei and MK looked at each other.

Calling Mr. Piggy that was fun, and calling him just “Piggy” felt wrong though, so maybe they’d just have to use his actual name now.

“Okay Miss– um… okay Nai Nai,” MK said, and she smiled at him briefly before taking off her oven mitts and checking on some of the other foods.

Mei raised her hand. “Can I still call you just Miss Jiayi though? I already had a Nai Nai– kinda feels weird.”

The female demon sighed and nodded. “I guess whatever makes you comfortable.”

Mr. Hangleng huffed in content from the couch, which got him a look from his wife.

“Ignore him, dears, he’s just kind of like this,” She said, adding a pinch of salt to a noodle dish.

Mei tilted her head. “Then why’d you marry him?”

Jiayi’s face turned red. “Ah– well– that’s um–” she cleared her throat. “Maybe when you two are older.”

MK and Mei didn’t know how to interpret that.

“Nai nai, when is Pigsy gonna be back? I’m starving here,” MK asked, looking around for the chef again.

“I’ll say– you’re far too skinny, kid,” She snickered. “He’s out talking to that Tang fellow wherever ‘air’ is.”

“Ughhhhhhh, it’s gonna take forever til then,” MK groaned, sitting on the stools by the kitchen island, where Mei joined him.

“Well then, I suppose it’s a good thing I brought these then, isn’t it?” Jiayi smirked and pulled out bags of white rabbit candies, jingling them a bit before giving them to the ‘absolutely starving’ children.

“Thanks Miss Jiayi!” Mei said, tearing open the packaging with her teeth, making the elder demon laugh.

“No problem, firecracker,” She said, opening MK’s packaging for him since he was struggling. “So… Pigsy was rather light on the details of the adoption. What can you two tell me?”

MK thought a minute. “Well, our parents both died in a huge fire and I was on the streets for a day or two before Mei decided she wanted to run away.”

“Oh you poor things,” She shook her head and checked on something else.

“Yeah and then these cops found us, but they weren’t normal, they were tiger demon cops who apparently had it out for me,” Mei added, inspecting a piece of candy before popping it in her mouth. “So we hid at Pigsy’s Noodles and that’s how he found us.”

“It was super cool Nai nai! He fought off those tigers like it was nothing while Mr. Tang took us and ran! And then Mei showed off her dragon form and scared ‘em away! And it was so big!” MK gloated about his friend.

“Tigers, huh?” Mr. Zhu spoke from the couch now, standing up and approaching the kitchen, lit cigar still in mouth.

“U-uh, yes sir,” MK got quiet.

The male demon chuckled to himself. “Sounds like something that Sandy would’ve done for him.”

“It’s true! Pigsy totally hit one in the face with a frying pan,” Mei informed.

“Yeah! And now he’s got a big old scar in his shoulder from a claw,” MK agreed.

Hangleng thought a moment, taking a long drag before puffing out a huge cloud that made MK shrivel a bit inside.

“Makes sense. Kid’s a dipshit who doesn’t know how to stop trouble– ‘course a kid has to handle it for him,” He laughed, making MK wince.

“Hangleng, you’re been an ass again,” His wife scolded.

Mei leaned over to MK. “I didn’t think adults were allowed to curse around us.”

“My parents did.” MK whispered back.

“Yeah, but your parents sucked.”

True.

“Not my fault if the kid’s an ass,” Hangleng argued and Jiayi just shook her head.

“Pigsy isn’t an ass, he’s a pig,” Mei crossed her arms, getting her a look from Pigsy’s father that would’ve shut MK up in an instant but Mei just stared down defiantly.

Hangleng muttered, “Celestials,” under his breath before bringing the cigar back to his lips.

Mei was clearly coming up with a snappy response when Tang and Pigsy both came back into the kitchen with puffy eyes but soft smiles nonetheless. That was, until Pigsy saw his father smoking right next to Mei.

“You know, you really shouldn’t–”

“Yeah, yeah,” Hangleng smothered his cigar in the sink before tossing it in the trash, clearly startling the chef.

“Uh… thanks,” Pigsy blinked.

His father acknowledged it with a brief nod.

“Pigsy! We told your pops all about when you fought off those tiger demons,” Mei told him with a smile.

Tang laughed a little. “Did you now? Did you tell them about my brave heroism?”

Pigsy snorted. “Last I checked, all you did was run when I told you to.”

“It was very brave running,” Tang defended. “Besides, everyone ended up alright.”

Pigsy’s father smirked. “Only because a little girl saved your ass.”

“Pops–” Pigsy’s eye twitched. “Please don’t swear in front of the k-i-d-s.”

MK didn’t know he bothered spelling when he and Mei were still right here, and also knew how to spell.

“Oh- Sorry-! We completely forgot– our bad honey,” Jianyi apologized, wiping her hands on her apron.

“You both– stars above–” Pigsy rubbed his nose and Tang patted his back.

“So, is anyone hungry? Because I know I’m absolutely starving,” The scholar asked, instantly shifting the energy of the room.

And so after MK and Mei actually finished setting the table, the family gathered around the table and had an actually decent meal. Well– decent in conversation, excellent in food quality. It even turned out that Mr. Chronic Grump was a lot better on a full stomach and even had some funny stories to share about “him and the guys” and his past. Plus, Pigsy’s mother had one or two embarrassing stories from Pigsy’s childhood– plus a photo of him when he was just a widdle Piglet, which was cute (even if it made Pigsy mad and drink quite a bit of that wine Tang brought).

After many, many hours of eating and talking, Pigsy’s parents did have to leave, and so it was just Tang, MK, Mei and Pigsy again, and boy that felt a lot more right.

“Ugh, I don’t know about you three, but I simply cannot move a muscle– say what you will about your mother Pigsy, but she can cook a mean duck,” Tang joked as he lounged on the couch close to the chef, who laughed a little.

“You can say that again, Mr. Tang,” MK laughed, curling up next to Pigsy, who absentmindedly wrapped an arm around him.

“I’m just glad the feeling of doom is over now” Pigsy rubbed his entire face. “Those people are never gonna sneak up on us ever again, you hear?” He pointed to the ceiling for drunk emphasis.

“Yes, yes, I hear you Pigsy,” Tang smiled this weird ooey gooey smile MK had only caught once or twice that he now took the opportunity to study– especially when Pigsy had an equally gooey smile to give back (probably from the drinking).

“Good, because you lil’ kiddos don’t deserve Pop’s ssstupid face,” Pigsy made a face at MK that made the boy laugh.

“Pigsy?” MK sat up a bit.

“Eh? I thought I was ‘Mister Piggy’? What happened there kid?” Pigsy placed a hand on MK’s head that he removed with a laugh.

MK just kinda shrugged with a smile. “I dunno. All I know is my old parents made me call ‘em ‘Mister’ and ‘Missus’ – and I like you a lot more than them,” MK curled up again.

“Yeah, well I like you more than my parents too kiddo– both– er– all of you,” Pigsy patted MK’s back.

“Same here,” Tang rustled MK’s hair a bit.

“Eh, my jury’s still out,” Mei stuck her tongue out as she sat next to Tang. Pigsy gave a drunk and offended gasp, which made Mei laugh and confess– “You are definitely above most of my old nannies and butlers, so yeah.”

“Hear that Tang? We’re better than people gettin’ paid– now that’s a mid autumn festival miracle,” Pigsy finger gunned MK with the arm that wasn’t wrapped around MK.

“Ooh! Speaking of– can we get that Dragon Beard candy now?” Mei suddenly jumped up. MK had a feeling she wanted him to jump up too, but he was far too full of food to be moving now.

“Haha! Busted,” Tang laughed at Pigsy who rolled his head.

“Can’t we just watch Cooking with Chang’E? It’ll be the special Mid Autumn episode and I don’t wanna miss it,” Pigsy pleaded with the girl.

“I’ll take her Pigsy, you two little hogs rest,” Tang rolled his eyes before standing and patting MK’s back.

“Yippee! Let’s go, Mr. Tang!” Mei eagerly took the man’s hand and they were out the door in a flash.

And there were two.

“Pigsy?” MK spoke up and looked at his guardian.

“Yeah kid?” Pigsy’s eyes were still closed.

MK looked down. “I… I meant it, you know? I really, really like it here– and I even liked it at the old apartment too– I– I feel safe with you.”

Pigsy placed a soft hand on the back of MK’s head and stroked it with his thumb.

“I meant what I said too, kid– it ain’t just the alcohol talking; You’re a really cool kid, and I’m glad to have you ‘round.”

MK smiled and cozied up even more, the warm feeling of the chef’s hand on his head lulling him to sleep.

“Thanks, Dadsy.”

A pause.

“...You’re welcome, kid.”

#lego monkie kid #lmk #dadsy #pigsy lmk #mk lmk #mei lmk #mei dragon #mei long #tang lmk #my fics #you guys don't understand how much i adore Mei and MK as kids #they're just so real #tw child abuse #tw homophobia #tw smoking

5 notes · View notes

inkskinned · 1 year

Text

there are a lot of posts out there that are positive and healthy coping mechanisms for handling the holidays. this is not one of them :)

i think there's like. going to be times in your life you will be stuck in a social situation that you cannot escape from gracefully. i do not know why the internet doesn't believe these times exist. it's not always just that your physical safety is at risk - sometimes it's legit like "i just don't currently have the energy or time to put in the effort of responding to this." sometimes it's a coworker you hate so much. sometimes it's just like, fine, you know? like you know you can handle your aunt when she's cheerily horrible, but if you actually set a boundary around her, it's going to be weeks of fallout with your father.

i don't know why people think the answer is always just "cut them out!" or "don't let them get away with that!" because ... the real world is tricky and complicated. i think kind of a lot of us have an internal "radiation poisoning" meter for certain people. like - i'm talking about the ones who are absolutely giving you gradual ick damage. like, you can handle them, but you'll be exhausted.

and yes. you absolutely should listen to your therapist and the good posts about handling others and set good boundaries and take care of yourself. prioritize peace.

HOWEVER :) ...... since im often in a situation with a Gradual Sense of Ick person i cannot just "cut out" of my life (without losing someone else precious to me) - i have sort of developed the most. maladaptive form of mischief possible. because like, if i'm going to have to listen to this shit again, i like to have a little bit of private fun with it.

now! again, i am physically safe, just mentally drained by this man. you should only do this with people you are not in danger with. which leads me to my suggestions for when your Unfortunate Acquaintance shows up and says oh everyone pay attention to me.

my favorite word is "maybe!" said as brightly and happily as possible. whenever the Horrible Person starts in on a topic you do not want to go further with, particularly if they make a claim that you know to be inaccurate, do not respond to it. you and i have both tried to actually argue with this person, and it hasn't gone well, because this person just wants the drama of an argument. however, "maybe!" gives them literally nothing to go on. it is incredibly disarming. they are used to people having some response. they know they can't prove what they're saying, and maybe! treats them like the child they are. it dismisses them in the politest way possible.

i like to say maybe! and then, in their stunned silence, immediately change the subject. this is because i have adhd and i will have something unrelated to talk about, but if you can't think of topics fast enough, i recommend just pointing to something and saying, "isn't that lovely?" because fuck you let's bring in some positivity.

by the way. that second trick - of pointing to something and stating an opinion about it? - that just works on its own, like, 70% of the time. i picked it up from teaching preschoolers. it's an intentional "redirect". it stops children crying and it also stops grown adults from finishing their explanation on why women belong in kitchens. dual wielding!

keep it silly for yourself. i absolutely do not care if people think i'm fucking stupid (it's more fun if they do) and as a result i will purposefully misunderstand things just to see how long it takes them to realize i've completely removed them from the subject at hand. when they say "women aren't funny" i get to be like. "which women." "all women." "all women in america?" "no in the world." "like the mole people? the people in the world?" "what? no. like, alive." "oh are we not counting the mole people?" "what the fuck are you talking about." "you don't believe in the mole people?"

similarly, i play a personal game called "one up me." my Evil Acquaintance literally knows this game exists (my family & friends caught onto it and now also play it) and it always fucking gets him. i don't know why. you have to be willing to be a little free-spirited on this one, though. the trick is that when they make one of those horrible little bigoted or annoying comments they are always making, you need to go one unit weirder. not more intense, mind you - just more weird. "you don't look good in that dress." "yeah, actually, my other dress was covered in squid ink due to a mishap at the soup store." "you shouldn't wear such revealing clothes." "wait, what? oh shit. sorry, your son tears off strips when no one is looking and eats them. i swear it was longer before we left the building."

the point of "one up me" is to completely upend this person's narrative. we both know this person likes setting up situations where you cannot "win" and then they really like telling other people how badly you handled it. in a usual situation, if you respond "please don't say something that rude", you're a bitch. but if you let it happen, you're letting yourself be debased. they are not usually expecting door number three: unflappably odd. because what are they going to say when they're telling everyone how badly you behaved? "she said my son eats her dresses" ".... okay?"

if you can, form an allyship with someone whomst you can tagteam with. where they can pick up on your weird "soup store" story and run with it.

the following phrase is amazing and can be deployed for any situation: "oh, be nice :) it's the holidays!" i do not know why this works as often as it does. i'll say it for the most random shit. i think this is bc most of the time these people know they're being impolite, they just like to fight.

godbless. when in doubt, remember that you could always start stealing their pens.

the whole point of this is - if you can't escape. maybe see how long you can just be. like. a horrible little menace.

#this is objectively bad advice #don't listen to it protect yourself and do real work on yourself find one of the good posts i've made about this #but also. u know. if u want to have fun while u do the work of setting boundaries #.... it IS fun #i will say that my fear of him went SO down after i just started. fucking with him.#bc i used to get SO fucking upset #i'd spend WEEKS arguing with him. tearing my hair out. sick with anxiety and dread and anger about all of it #and now i just LITERALLY do not engage #instead i'm like '' haha :) mole people" and get the HELL out of any tense conversation #i kind of think some of these people are literally addicted to drama as a form of connection #they like the rush they get from arguing #but those arguments are incredibly damaging for me #so like..... i am in the process of literally rehabilitating this person to figure out how to find connection thru #NORMAL CONVERSATION #he doesn't get it yet #i also do talk to them like they're preschool kids lmafo . ''are you using a safe and kind voice right now?''#'' do you need a snackie? you sound a little upset. let's have some hummus and come back to playtime when we feel ready''

32K notes · View notes