i wore makeup 'cause i thought i would be pretty to you
i changed the way i dressed and my style just for you
'cause then maybe you'd like me more if i fit in with you
you had a whole list of things you wanted to do
you told me all the things you wanted us to do
all the things you wanted me to do with you too
i tried so hard to be someone you would like and maybe love too
but even then that wasn't enough for you
...
i don't think you noticed the words that slipped out of your mouth
all the things you wanted and all the plans we talked about
were all the things you did with someone you loved before
and all the things you saw in me were what you saw in her too
i don't think you felt anything that you said you did before
all i was wasn't enough for you to not just see her too
...
i wrote a whole list of things i wanted to remember about you
i learned all your favorite things and went along with you
and when you told me all the things you were struggling with
i let you do what you needed and take what you wanted from me too
'cause i just wanted to be enough for you
i just wanted to be enough for you
...
i don't think you know how much i wished it was you
i don't think you know how much i wanted it to work with you
i don't think you know how much those 100 days broke my heart too
all i ever wanted was to be enough for you
but nothing i could do would be enough for you
and all i just wanted was to be enough for you
enough for you
...
enough for you // to people i liked when i was 18
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something that cannot be spoken:
we went to the movies, and they had us choose our seats. i chose one row above the reserved handicap seating.
that was a mistake.
we were the only ones in the theatre, and my grandmother lost her balance and tumbled over the low wall. she landed on the seats below, and she couldn’t get up. she was stuck, halfway on the chair and halfway on the railing.
i left her to get help - some hapless teenage employee out of his depth and still willing to help. then another party came in, and a man came over to help, and the three of us got her seated in the chair she’d fallen onto, and there were managers and incident reports and a few comp passes i still haven’t used.
we stayed for the movie.
i went out again after we went back to her house - to run an errand and get gas. it was my dad’s birthday, and he got to celebrate with a phone call from me having a breakdown at a gas station because grandma had fallen, and i didn’t know how to navigate it.
take a deep breath, he said. if grandma wasn’t okay, you’d know. everything’s okay.
maybe it was.
but two weeks later, on my own birthday, i got a phone call from my father.
grandma’s in the hospital. she broke her hip, but she’ll be okay.
she wouldn’t be. i knew it, immediately and intrinsically.
i had been dreading my birthday for weeks - months - and it didn’t know why. i just knew it would be bad, and it was.
i didn’t visit her in the hospital. she was there for three weeks, and i couldn’t go because of covid regulations and vaccine requirements - but i’m not sure i wanted to. the idea of it left me aching in a terribly self-centered way i still can’t quantify.
(i need you to understand this, my mother said. i need you to start preparing yourself for the possibility grandma might not come back from this.)
((i was, or so i thought. i had been since the moment my dad called.))
she went to rehab facility after that.
i was fully vaccinated by then, and i did visit her. the first time, she was having a good day, and we talked about the pedicure she wanted from the on-site salon.
the last time, it wasn’t a good day. it wasn’t bad, but she was tired. my dad was there, and she kept drifting off and waking up, and i didn’t want to be there. i said goodbye and that i’d come by soon, and i went looking for bowls at a thrift store.
(i left a dvd with my dad for her that day. my parents had brought her a portable dvd player, and my aunt had recommended little miss sunshine to us before all of this happened. i found a copy at a thrift store and scooped it up, and i thought she would enjoy it.)
((for the unfamiliar, little miss sunshine ends with the grandfather’s dead body smuggled in the back of the family van.))
(((i’m still not sure what to do with that.)))
my grandmother called me from my aunt’s phone on june 15th. she had had a really good day - physical therapy had gone well, and she was in good spirits, and we would go see cruella as soon as she was out. it was a really good day.
the next day, she didn’t wake up.
i was supposed to go watch cats with my mother, just to say we did, but i didn’t sleep well the night before. i barely slept at all. i texted my mother, asking if we could reschedule, and in return got a call from my sister. our grandmother was dead.
i don’t know if things felt real before then, but they definitely didn’t after.
my mom cried. my sister cried.
my dad is like me. we went numb. i still am.
there is something i can’t say. i cannot tell my family, i can’t tell anyone without sounding absolutely batshit.
but this is the truth:
that night, when i couldn’t sleep, i was terrified. i knew something was wrong. my heart was racing, so fast and hard that it hurt, and i was scared, and i knew that if i closed my eyes, i’d never open them again. i was so scared.
but i start work at six in the morning, and around four, i managed to fall asleep.
i’m not psychic. i don’t call myself an empath. sometimes i just deal with energies that are not my own - and i want so badly to be wrong, in this moment. i want it to have been my imagination, for this to be a delusion of grandeur and my grandmother to have slipped peacefully away in her sleep. stars, i want to be wrong.
i don’t think i am.
sometimes i’m just right - and that means that my grandmother knew, and her last night was spent alone and in pain and scared.
and i just went to sleep. i don’t know what to do with that.
her services were the next week. the body didn’t look like her, and i can’t pinpoint how. it was just wrong. she wasn’t there anymore.
i don’t know how funerals are meant to bring closure.
that was the last time i really cried, i think, and even then it wasn’t for long. it wasn’t even grief, i don’t think - i was just overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and i couldn’t do anything. i couldn’t even make myself comprehend she was gone.
i still can’t. i’m still waiting for a phone call, or to make easter pizzelles, or to go to the theatre. i can’t wrap my head around the fact that something is over. it can’t be over.
(i’m afraid i don’t remember her face properly anymore, or her smile, or the sound of her voice. i don’t know if i remember any of it properly anymore, and i don’t know how long i can.)
my brain is very good at protecting me. when things are too much, it shuts down.
you’re going to drown, it says, and builds levies high and strong. no emotions for you for a bit, yeah? just until the tides recede.
i don’t know how to convince myself that i need it, and sooner is better than later. i need to drown, just a little, so i can remember how to pull the air back into my lungs. the levy will break regardless, one day, and the flood will come, and i will not survive if i let it grow too big. these tides will not go out.
i can’t keep myself afloat if i’m against the entire ocean.
one day, the levy will break, and i will drown, and they i will breathe again.
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I really love exploring GhostRoach's dynamic with mute!Roach, especially since I hc Roach as American, so he'd likely be using ASL
I think Ghost would be proficient in sign, however, since BSL and ASL are very different, I just love imagining him going out of his way to painstakingly learn practically a whole other language just for Roach.
Just watching the progression of their relationship where it starts with Ghost needing someone else on the task force to translate what Roach is saying, to him becoming the designated Roach translator lol
I'd imagine once they get closer, Roach would start writing notes for Simon instead of having a third party translate. And for a while it'd probably be their norm, where Roach will automatically pull out a notebook to talk, but then maybe one day Roach will casually sign something, forgetting that Ghost wouldn't understand, but then Ghost will respond without a second thought and they'll just stare at eachother for a moment like "what?"
and boom. they kiss.
nah but just think about how cute it'd be?? Ghost probably isn't that great with words, so you'll see how he cares about someone more so through his actions, and him studying for months just so Roach can more comfortably communicate with him is just so??? soft??
and the effort isn't lost on Roach at all. He sees how Ghost abashedly looks away after the slip up and mumbles "It's just good to know american sign, too" (excuses), he notices how Ghost will try minicking hand signs when he thinks no one's watching, when he hangs around in Ghost's room, he notices the small stack of ASL dictionaries on his desk.
and Roach just becomes all the more infatuated with him. Big scary lieutenant who yells at all the new recruits and can kill a man with his bare hands but will go out of his way to learn a difficult language. All for Roach.
it'd be a cute way to progress their relationship. Every now and then they'll have tender private moments where Roach will try teaching Ghost more thoroughly, and sometimes Ghost will get frustrated or just sign wildly incorrect words, and Roach will just look at him all adoringly like ughhh they'd be so soft.
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Do you mind if I have a message to the Anons?
(you can just ignore this ask if you don't wanna post it)
My Dear Anons and everyone here present
Plz Let Kawa Cook and Chill a little
As you could see from the last posts, she didn't had a nice time lately, so she deserves to just sit and enjoy her drawings
If she will be ready to show us some of her gorgouse work, she'll show it
Guys plz remember that asking Artists "When will be the next chapter of this and that", "What are you cooking there" isn't always a good thing, there are a lot of us here, it can make the artist tired and it (in my opinon) doesn't really help to get more motivation if everyone is asking these questions
Guys! Some mistery from the Artist side is good! It will hype us more!
(Again Kawa, you can just ignore this Ask if you are not comfortable with answering it, I hope that you feel a little better then before)
Okay, so.
Today was my first day in a new school. Im very anxious about this. New people, new surroundings, new stuff to learn and new responsibilities.
Because of my school year starting, I'll have less time for myself which means less time to draw and write :(
-
Im planning on some stuff for you, but I dont wanna tell you what it is. I want you to have a surprise & its much less pressure for me!
& I dont mind asks, comments, dms, requests or questions. I like when you talk to me!
Just please be patient with me, and thank you!
HAVE A NICE DAY/NIGHT/ANYTHING!!!!!!🩵🩷🩵🩷🩵🩷🩵🩷omg the hearts are so pretty what yhe hell
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don't hold onto me too tight
don't trust me to make things right
i don't know how to hold you tight
i don't even know how to hold myself right
i'll just make you cry
.
i was never good at talking about how i'm feeling
all i ever do is hold onto my feelings inside
i can't hide that i'm still broken inside
that i can hurt you till you die
baby, i'll just make you cry
.
i'm tired of hiding how i'm feeling inside
i don't want to fool you longer than i
i can't give you my love and heart 'cause they're not mine
i can only break your heart and make you cry
baby, i'll just make you cry
.
if you see me on the street one day don't call out my name
i'm not someone you want to keep in your life
i'll just make you cry
my heart was never mine
baby i'll just make you cry
you'll hate that i made you mine
baby take me out of your mind
i'll just make you cry
.
i don't know how to wipe your tears
and i told you before i don't know how to hold you tight
all i'll do is just make you cry
there's nothing i can do to make it right
so baby there's nothing left for you to hold tight
you'll just lose your mind
'cause my heart was never mine
i'll just make you cry
.
baby, i'll just make you cry
baby, don't hold me tight
baby, i'll just make you cry
baby don't try
i'll just make you cry
.
i'll just make you cry // to people i liked when i was 18
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