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#things my mom has said:

walked into my parents night time meditation session which is apparently a thing they do now and had to tell them that no i’m not joining them i’m actually here to get some marzipan stollen please pretend i’m not here as the sound of crackling plastic disrupts the meditation

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20 years old and living with chronic pain for as long as I can remember and Im finally connecting the dots with having vitiligo and hypothyroidism and possibly fibromyalgia and I am looking away in disgrace

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Google search: how to tell my family that im pretty sure i, both my siblings, and maybe my mom are on the autism spectrum without sounding insane or like a hypochondriac asking for a friend–

#I saw a post earlier this week on self-diagnosing autism and聽I--, #I mean ive suspected maybe my brother was for a while now because he's always had a lot of trouble with flexibility and picky eating and, #basically a lot of the stereotypical boy with autism symptoms, #but for myself and my sister聽I always assumed we just had 'severe social anxiety', #which uh, #lets just say my 'social anxiety' was so bad when聽I was little that聽I would go selectively mute, #which obviously聽I know selective mutism can be caused by other things than autism but聽there's other things that make me think im on the, #spectrum that聽I聽won't聽get into because that could take a while, #anyways with my sister its less obvious but聽I think she could be too, #because she has a lot more sensory issues, #like she doesnt like people touching and hugging her without her consent, #and she gets sensory overload from too much noise, #my mom is less concrete but she's also introverted like me and my sister, #and one time my sis explained sensory overload to her and she said she got it too, #also聽she's super sensitive to smell and sound, #like. so sensitive, #anyways its just a theory but聽I think it has merit, #and now idk whether it would be better for me to keep my mouth shut or bring it up??, #cause like we've all learned to live with this it's not like its particularly debilitating, #but idk its been kinda nice since聽I figured it out for myself that ive been able to connect all these small things in my life to this source, #im thinking maybe id start with my sister?, #shed probably be most receptive to it, #but idk man, #yeah this is long so imma stop now, #just had to get that off my chest, #this is kinda scary to post even though聽I know y'all who follow me on here are super kind and accepting lol, #self diagnosing is scary cause its like yeah this would explain a lot but am聽I actually???, #yeah im just gonna leave this here..., #liz rambles
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My step dad called and the conversation felt like I dumped him it was so awkward fjfjdj

#him after i keep staying silent: ykno i really dont know how to talk to you, #me: we're not the types to talk to each other, #him: things could change, #me: things have to change a lot more before i ever consider being buddy-buddy with you, #him: ...okay well. call me later i guess, #my grandma said he went to her house one day and when they mentioned moms new bf he said he was real lonely and left cause he was abt to cry, #like u dug yr own grave!!! maybe if u werent an abusive cheater youd still have a family!!!!, #my 10 year old sister is his bio kid whos treated the best and even she doesnt rlly want much to do with him, #the other day she said she wouldnt want to live with him because he yells at her a lot and i was like yeah i know :///, #once my mom goes away to jail (in like a week now i guess) its gonna be so hard to let him have visitation, #i always have this fear in the back of my head he'll kidnap her and i dont know how to balance my anxiety with the need to let her see him, #im so not ready to be a parent. ive NEVER wanted children. but im so fucking sick of my parents im starting to think we'll all finally be+, #content when contact with them is minimal, #i have no attachment to my dad but i do love my mom and its sad how willing she is to throw her family aside for alcohol or a new boyfriend, #but it is what it is i suppose. ive learned it has nothing to do with me and she degrades everyone else in the family just the same, #i think my biggest concern is money. rent is high here so ill probably need a roommate and i dont want a stranger living with my lil sis, #ahh whatever, #xoxo
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last week really fucked me up and i dont know what to do now; death ment in tagsssssssss

#i went back to my apartment this morning bc i was feeling Exhausted from being around people and trying to support my mom, #and like yeah that's kind of selfish bc she just lost her husband of 14+ years/partner of 19+ years, #but people have been coming and going consistently for the past 5 or so days, #so i was like - she wont be alone, #well today only two people came and one person who said she was coming just fucking ghosted her, #and that's so shitty, #so she was like 'it was a rough day and i got sad and called nana' and said she missed me, #and im just like FUCK what am i supposed to do????, #these people her friends said they'd be here for her when i go home but when i do they just fucking ArENT AROUND?, #im gonna lose my mind because i genuinely dont know what to do, #if i go back to her house im going to be miserable but should i do it to support her??, #and if i DONT go back im just gonna worry and stress and cry about things, #like honestly im more emotional about my mother's state and all the consequences of my stepdad's passing than i am his death itself, #which i think makes sense based on the relationship we had over the past several years, #but then everyone is also like - he loved you so much blah blah blah, #and im like ??? i dont know how to feel and i dont know what i do feel but i dont like it, #and people saying that shit to me has only made me feel worse and it just keeps HAPPENING, #and the fact that i had to write his obituary - jfc guys im, #that still really bothers me, #my mom asked me to and everyone who was present was like - yeah good idea! syd's a writer! syd can do it!, #and i was like yeah i CAN but should i???, #i dont know his life i barely spent time with him over the past six or so years, #but i did it and people liked it and whatever, #i just i am struggling in a way that i never anticipated with this whole ordeal and idk what to do about it, #this is just a vent post im really not looking for advice or anything
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TW/ death

I hate when I’m talking about COVID and someone says “well, but it mostly effects the elderly or people in nursing homes” like ??? Okay??? Yeah it does disproportionately effect the elderly and nursing home residents but,

A). It can effect literally anyone to a deadly degree and,

B). Do you like …..think those people deserve to die ??? Like I’ve heard people use this in an argument as to why social distancing and mask wearing doesn’t matter and like ?? Okay?? So what your saying is you don’t care if your negligence gets someone killed just because they’re elderly and or/ living in a nursing home?? What kind of logic is that?? Like yeah maybe /you/ don’t work in a nursing home, but what if you come into contact with someone who does, and they take it into the home?

As someone who works in a nursing home, I can tell you once COVID gets in, it’s ground zero. We were lucky to not have it get into our home until the end of last month. It took out an entire hallway of residents. Read that again. An entire. Hallway. Twenty people. Real, live, humans suffering and dying. Alone. Without their families. So many residents I loved and cared for, so many with such spunky, funny, loving personalities. A nursing home down the street my friend works at lost forty-two residents in a month and a half. My partners grandmother, in a nursing home, died alone, confused, and in pain. If everyone had to witness people they’ve been taking care of dying off one after another, I think they’d probably take it more seriously.

Our memo board in our break room is filled with obituaries. Our residents are scared and alone, without their families, dreading if it’s them next. We just had another positive resident case again this week, and it’s working it’s way through another hallway. This is reality. Nursing home workers can only do so much to keep it out when no one else in the country is taking this seriously. The amount of selfishness and self centeredness blows my mind and is honestly making me lose faith. This is a classic case of “out of sight out of mind” people are not seeing the tragedy happening in nursing homes right now. the suffering and death is happening right here, right now. Nursing homes right now are, for a lack of a better term, a slaughter house. And it really doesn’t seem like anyone cares.

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the fact that the 7h26m long playlist i made a week ago is already boring to me ……. Help </3

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#sometimes i see those 鈥榤y parents traumatized me and it will take a lifetime to overcome鈥 posts and i鈥檓 like nah that doesn鈥檛 apply to me, #but very recently i鈥檝e been thinking about the way i eat/my relationship w food n i鈥檓 like Hmm... Much 2 Think About, #i鈥檓 not blaming me being a fat bich as an adult on my mom bc i鈥檓 like. 24 it鈥檚 in my hands now but i guess when i was younger there were, #certain things she and my bio dad (when he was around) did that affect my relationship w food now and i didn鈥檛 realize it until literally, #this year like umm those 2 years of therapy and that psych degree and for what babe? i鈥檓 just kidding we didn鈥檛 even discuss my food stuff, #in therapy bc like i said i didn鈥檛 even think about it until this year even though my anxiety/self hate (???)/perfectionism (my therapists, #and psychiatrist all said i was i鈥檓 not calling myself that but they did lol) all were heavily tied to me feeling ugly bc i鈥檓 fat etc, #i wish i had realized this sooner when i had medicaid i鈥檇 love to go back to that free therapy life and see what my therapist would say, #it feels very personal to talk about and i鈥檓 super emotional writing this (yeah i鈥檓 on my period) so i don鈥檛 wanna give too many details, #i鈥檓 not trying to paint my mom as doing these things maliciously she was a single mom in her 20s raising 2 daughters and she had a super, #strict mexican mom that she tried to distance herself from but inevitably some of those principles sneaked into her own parenting styles, #like ... if i didn鈥檛 like or want to finish eating something she would make me stay at the table until i finished it all and my stubborn, #ass didn鈥檛 just give in so i would be there until it was dark ajsndnnnn..... and then either i鈥檇 give up and finish my plate or she鈥檇 give, #up and let me leave the table. and now as an adult it鈥檚 hard for me to .... know when to stop eating if i鈥檓 full? or if i don鈥檛 enjoy it?, #like only this year i realized sis if you don鈥檛 like this or if you鈥檙e full you don鈥檛 have to finish. i know that sounds so stupid and, #obvious but it literally did not click that i could do that and i didn鈥檛 make the connection w my childhood until literally this year, #on one hand i get it we were poor and money was tight so i can see how important it was to her that we didn鈥檛 waste what little we had, #but on the other hand.... here i am at 24 almost 25 w this ugly weird relationship w food to the point where i hate eating around my own, #family. there鈥檚 other stuff from my childhood and other weird habits i have but writing this much about it has been emotional enough, #plus i鈥檓 in a super horrible mood from my period. i think i鈥檓 gonna go restore my phone to factory settings just to feel something, #imagine telling my mom about this... LOL, #idk if i even wanna tag this as m*** bc i don鈥檛 necessarily want a lot of people to come across this post but if i change my mind i鈥檒l come, #back and tag it like i do for all personal posts. it鈥檚 time to take a nap to stop feeling for an hour or two thanks 馃挅
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Omg my mom just told me this super depressing thing that just happened and I had no idea how to respond…

#personal, #she said my gma thought her best friend was dead from some neighbor, #then another neighbor came by and said he wasnt after she'd been crying for a while, #apparently he had left a hospital and they took too much fluid from him and he collapsed on his doorstep, #and he had to be sent back to the hospital and he lost the ability to walk bc of smth they did, #and he has to be in rehab now, #but hes almost broke bc he spent all his money paying for his parents nursing home fees until they passed, #and he was adopted and his parents thought theyd be fine so they gave their money to the sister, #but she refuses to buy him a phone for some reason even though she has more money?, #so the last two people in his life is my gma (who is paying his cellphone bill) and his sister (who wont get him a new phone?), #his phone apparently stopped working so he couldnt contact anyone, #and he might not be able to afford his care, #all that basically... i felt really bad and didnt know how to reply, #apparently he has diabetes and then lost a kidney and is going blind and then this recent surgery, #my mom said a kidney stone surgery is twenty thousand dollars so i dont even know how much all the rest of that would be..., #im just like oh my god..., #its really sad. and its weird to think about. like if my gma got sick or something but ran out of money..., #the gov wouldnt pay for his parents (idk why) and then some VA thing apparently repeatedly told him wrong which ended up having him lose-, #-a kidney, #i never really thought about it much before i guess bc my age but u really dont have any options huh..., #i feel really bad for old people :( apparently hes not even 60 though so thats so much worse
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