#think ill make a part three still have a lot left on my list!!

[gracieheartspedro]

Your Needs, My Needs

THE PRELUDE

a masterlist of how you can help gaza

pairing: cowboy!joel x f!reader (no outbreak)

description: you have made it to your new home in taylor, texas. your anxiety of owning your our home and being alone is coming to a head, but you need to be productive. a trip to the local furniture turns into you meeting some locals and your new cowboy neighbor.

word count: 3.7k words

warnings: there is no smut in this part. still MINORS DNI! no use of y/n! vague talk of reader's old life before texas, no real description of the reader, description of small age gap, joel being a sarcastic shithead. sarah is canon, so joel is a dad. distracted driving. talks of consuming food. reader has mental illness, mainly described as anxiety, but could be other illnesses. I make it pretty vague. the reader likes football? lmfao

author's note: this is the prelude to the many parts I have planned for these two. this is sort of just setting up everything. I want a slow burn for these two, so hopefully these first couple parts make you guys sweat with anticipation. I also wanna quickly thank all of you for the love on the preview of this fic. I hope you all enjoy it! let me know what y'all think. YEEHAW!

“Sign here and she’s all yours.”

When you brought the pen to the dotted line, you knew that this was going to be the start of your new life. 

While you were nervous about taking on such a huge project, you were ready to find solace in your alone time and work on yourself along with the beautiful farmhouse. You needed some peace and quiet, anyway. 

She was set on 20 acres of land on the outskirts of a small town called Taylor. The land looked like something out of a movie, it’s rolling hills and sprawling fields. 

The house was about 130 years old and needed a lot of TLC. You found it online after hours of scrolling. It was still liveable, but the older couple who owned it before moved to a retirement community and could not keep up with the maintenance. When the inheritance hit your bank account, you called the local realtor and told them you would be flying out there to check it out. When the car pulled up the long driveway, you knew that it would be yours. 

Texas was a new start for you. And boy, were you ready for it. 

You did not have a lot to move in, just a small UHaul full of boxes of clothes and miscellaneous trinkets. You left your furniture in your shared apartment in New York. You needed to find something that was more your style, anyway. 

You moved everything yourself. You were not sure you were ready to trust anyone to help you move in. You knew no one locally, anyway.

It took about three days to get settled, and by that, you simply put up a shower curtain and finally put sheets on your mattress on the floor. You had also created a laundry list of random things you wanted to get done around the house in the next month. Priority number one was getting the bathrooms working. The toilet downstairs doesn’t stop running and your upstairs one won’t flush at all. 

You decided that today was the day you would go out and buy some furniture for your living room and bedroom. You would also inquire to some locals about a plumber. It would take you days to work up the courage to reach out to someone in the phone book, so here’s to hoping you just run into someone on the street. 

You hop into the sedan that you were renting until you could buy a car. It was nice but it was no match for your long dirt driveway. You already expected to pay extra for all the dings on the exterior. 

The roads that lead into Main Street are long and winding. You loved driving, so when it was nice enough to put the windows down, you did so. 

Since there’s no one on this specific stretch, you decide to switch the CD you had shoved into the disc drive, opting for another mix you had made years ago. The radio never played what you wanted, especially the local stations in Taylor. 

In your distracted scramble for the CD, you don’t take note of the large stallion running next to your car. The CD is wedged between the seat and the main console and your fingers cannot reach the awkward position. 

You’re not speeding. But when a giant horse runs out in front of you, you can not hit the break quickly enough. You stop breathing, bracing for impact. You jerk the wheel slightly, swerving away from the steed.  Before your front end can make an impact, the horse is snatched back towards the divot in the road. 

You are in complete and utter shock over how abruptly it all happened. 

Your eye eventually catches a man on horseback, his cowboy hat shields most of his face, but you are more focused on how built this man looks. His biceps were straining against his button-up shirt as he held the lasso taut against his chest. His legs were locked around the brown stallion he was on, his jeans riddled with mud and dust. He had dark curls that peaked out from under his hat.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” You yell, your car slowly inching forward from its spot in the middle of the road, “Where did that thing even come from?”

The mysterious cowboy just shakes his head and trots away, clicking his tongue to guide the horse back into the field. 

Your heart felt like it may leap out of your chest. A car was chugging down the road ahead of you, so you knew you had to move out of the way. You turn into your lane and slowly start down the road again.

You do not even bother trying to find the CD, again. You would rather sit in complete silence. 

-

When you make it to the small stretch of downtown, your heart rate slows down. You spot a local furniture store that looks a bit dated. It was your best bet plus, you wanted to stand on solid ground and gain your bearings. 

You parallel park rather terribly and hop out of your car. You huff loudly, throwing your purse over your shoulder and slamming the door behind you. 

A hot cowboy saved your life. 

It’s the most Texas thing that’s happened to you since you moved here. 

You head inside the storefront. A smaller white-haired lady sits at the front desk, her head in a gossip magazine. 

“Well, hello there,” You muster in your best cheery voice, trying to act like you did not almost die, “I’m lookin’ for some furniture.”

She chuckles as she places her reading next to the register, “Well, you came to the right place, sweetheart.”

You return the laugh, glancing around the large store. Couches and recliners in rows in the front, wooden bed sets lining the back wall. You were so indecisive, you were not completely sure where to start. 

“I need a bedroom set and a couch or two. I just moved into th-”

“The old Caldwell farmhouse,” She cuts you off, hopping off her stool, “Saw you movin’ in a couple days ago. My boy is your neighbor.”

The joke about small towns is always true, you know that already. Everyone knows everyone else’s business. You could not shit without someone knowing about it. 

You raise your eyebrows, acting like you’re shocked she knows about you already. “Yes, that’s right. Your boy?”

“My oldest son, Joel. He lives across the way from ya,” She starts gesturing towards the couches, “Pop a squat on one and see which one ya like.”

You end up sitting on every couch before landing on a brown leather one with a matching loveseat. The old woman is a great saleswoman on top of being sickly sweet. She told you since you are one of her first customers of the month, she would give you a great discount on a coffee table. You were a sucker for a good deal. 

You knew what bed set you wanted immediately. It was a light-washed wood with tall pillars sticking out of every corner. It came with two matching dressers and one nightstand. It was only you, so you didn’t quite care about another side table anyway. 

When the lady starts tallying up your total, you watch the slow-moving downtown. A couple walking across the street into the small diner. An older gentleman walking his small dog. The rickety old trucks that loudly took up the roads. 

You’re so stuck in your head, you don’t even hear what your total is. All you do is hand over your credit card. She smiles and giggles as she swipes the card. 

“So I’ll have my boy deliver it to you tomorrow. He is busy workin’ today, but I’ll have him get it to you. He’s quite the handyman, always busy doing jobs around town. Will you be home in the morning?”

You would have to have some strange man in your home to set up the heavy wooden furniture. It made the hairs on your arm stand up. You knew you would not be able to haul it all, so you had to take the leap of faith and hope and pray this frail old lady’s son is not a serial killer. Or stalker. Or both. 

You needed your furniture, after all. 

It will be okay, you tell yourself. 

“U-uh, I will,” You swallow, “I don’t work right now, so I’ll be home all day.”

“Oh, goody! I will send him your way in the morning. He may have his brother with him just to get the bed up your stairs, but I promise they are good boys. If they aren’t, you come to me and their mama will deal with them.”

You laugh nervously, “Of course, thank you so much.”

–

You had woken up late, your anxiety creeping up on you last night. Your brain would not stop racing. You didn’t fall asleep until 2 am. You hop out of bed around 10:30 and wrap yourself in a cardigan. You have been leaving all the windows open at night, but you can tell the seasons are shifting because it gets so cold at night. 

The doorbell rings and it’s like your heart falls out of your chest. You know that after you open this door, you’re welcoming in someone completely new and unexpected and it makes your whole body jitter. You make your way to the front door and take a deep breath before opening it. 

Of course. It’s him. The hot cowboy. 

It made sense. The endless green across from your home had to be part of his property. The road you almost died on yesterday was right beside his land. His house was tucked right across from the end of your driveway, with countless barns spread across a couple of acres.

You were secretly hoping he would be some silly-looking hillbilly, but instead, you find out your delivery man is the ridiculously attractive cowboy from the day before. His hair is tidy and dark without the cowboy hat on. It’s peppered with some white hairs, but it only adds to his appearance. His flannel has the top three buttons undone and his jeans are stained with age. You are finally able to get a good look at his face with no shadows covering his permanent scowl. 

He had to be about 10 years older than you. You were not too far off from wrinkles, but you were still young enough to bear children without being considered geriatric. 

He squints at you when you swing the door open. The sun is hitting his eyes, highlighting the warm rich brown color. 

“Howdy neighbor,” He greets, a small smirk plays on his lips, “’m Joel. Nice to meet you officially.”

You introduce yourself, trying not to stutter as you say your name. He made you nervous. You chalk it up to just being nervous around men in general. But it’s the way his eyes trailed you as you moved just slightly.

You feel the need to clear the air because of the way he’s staring through you. 

“And uh, listen, about yesterday,” You try to apologize, but he cuts you off by raising his hand. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time an outsider got themselves hurt bein’ reckless down the backroads. Just glad you didn’t hit my horse.”

The response has a bit of a bite to it. You back up a step, your body also taken aback by his directness. You are used to confrontational people, but you’re not used to Southern folk being that way. 

“No, next time I’ll aim for the ditch and tell my insurance that there was a silly cowboy in the road that I had to miss.”

You can tell by the sheepish smile on his face that he was not expecting you to be feisty.

“Don’t think they’d give ya’ much money for that,” He says in a hushed but matter-of-fact tone.

You relax your shoulders, trying to collect yourself. “Probably not.” 

He turns back to his truck that has your bed frame in the back of it, disregarding the previous statements. “My brother is comin’ by in a few to help me get this stuff in.”

“Well, let’s not let all the air out of the house right now,” You extend the door wider for him. You are giving this man full access to your home now. You try to suppress your obsessive thoughts and instead decide that you know exactly what you can have him do while you wait. You remember his mom told you he was good with his hands, and since he wants to be snarky to you in the comfort of your own home, you would try to pick his mind about some of your home projects. “Come in, let me ask you something.” 

You begin, gesturing him into the entryway. He accepts the offer, kicking his boots off on the porch. You appreciate his thoughtfulness and for a second, you realize you may be the asshole. 

“Mama told you I was a handyman, didn’t she?”

You giggle, finding it funny that he could read the situation you were about to put him in. “She sure did.”

“She needs to stop tellin’ folks that,” His accent is so thick and syrupy, that it makes your insides tingle, “Got too many people askin’ me to fix their stuff.”

You guide him to the bathroom right off the living room and kitchen, “You know much about plumbing?”

“I’m assumin’ you don’t,” He mutters, “What do you have goin’ on?”

You point to the loudly running toilet, “This thing won’t stop running no matter what I do.”

“Well, what have you tried doin’?”

You both stand in the hallway, you looking up at him with furrowed brows, him looking down at you with anticipation. He was quick-witted, and you started to hate how much you liked it. He gave your sassiness a run for it’s money.

“I’ve flushed it a bunch of times. Cursed at it and kicked it,” He stares at you blankly. It makes your stomach roll, “Jesus, Cowboy, can you give a girl a break?”

He enters the narrow bathroom, approaching the toilet like there may be a bomb in it. He reaches towards the handle and jiggles it violently, which makes you giggle a bit. That’s exactly what you did. 

“So, why here?” He questions, squatting in front of the bowl. He continues to mess with the handle while you process his no-context question.

“What Texas or this bathroom?”

He chuckles, his smile spreading across his beautifully tanned skin. 

“You got tons of jokes, huh?” 

You don’t respond, just shrug your shoulders. He stands up, wiggling the top of the tank off the toilet. You watch his hands lock onto the sides of it, ensuring it will not drop off and shatter on the dated tile. 

“Texas,” He strains, freeing his left hand to mess with the handle. You lean against the door frame. 

You are not even sure why Texas. You just needed to get as far as you could away from New York. You did not want your past to catch up with you, and you did not want to get stuck in a city again. But you could not share all this with a random stranger. He may be in your house, looking at your commode, but you can’t completely trust him yet. 

“I just wanted a change of scenery. I always wanted a farmhouse.”

“Lots of upkeep,” He jabs, doing one more once over of the tank, “‘M thinking you may need a new float or chain. I can get my tools tomorrow and come over to fix it. May need to order a new part, though.”

You push off the wall, arms still crossed over your front. He puts the top back on and finally makes eye contact with you. 

He would come over again? To fix your toilet? 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, ‘m sure it’s the chain or float.”

“No, I m-mean,” You start to stumble over your words. You swallow, collecting yourself for a moment so you do not look crazy to him. “Are you sure you’re okay coming back over?”

He gives you a thin-lipped smile, “What are neighbors for?”

-

His brother arrives in a rickety old truck at about 15 past 11. He looks a lot like him, but shorter. He has those same eyes though, permanently tired. 

“Nice to meet ya, ma’am. ‘M Tommy.”

You grab his hand to shake it and he lingers a bit longer than you anticipated. Joel stayed on your front porch, putting his boots back on to start unloading the furniture. 

You are thankful the weather was kind today, especially since every evening this week has been stormy. The sun was beating mighty hard on the men as they collaborated on getting your furniture inside.

While they get everything set up, you busy yourself making lunch. You get the bright idea to make them each a sandwich. It’s the least you could do. 

You pile the cold-cut turkey and cheese onto the white bread you had, topping it with some mayo. When you hear their footsteps trailing down the stairs, you race out with the sandwiches on a porcelain plate.

“For your troubles,” You say before standing in their path to the door. Tommy smiles brightly, instantly snatching a sandwich from the plate. 

“Thanks, darlin’,” He takes a big bite, humming in satisfaction. He walks around you, leaving you standing in front of Joel. His eyes are piercing, his lips ajar a bit, but nothing is coming out. 

“Turkey and cheese, I promise.”

He reaches out grabbing the sandwich from you, “No sweet tea to go with it?”

Your heart sinks, instantly becoming self-conscious of your decision to be nice to these hicks. He was so intimidating with his steely expressions and broad shoulders. There was an essence about him that did not speak to his stone-cold exterior. It was more gentle. But you could only see hints of it when he smiled. 

He can tell the wheels in your head are spinning. Before you can speak, takes a bite of the sandwich and shakes his head. 

“‘m kidding, Yankee. Thank you, I ‘preciate it.”

You settle for letting out a long sigh and returning to your kitchen. You spend a couple of minutes, putting back all the ingredients in their proper places. 

You hear Tommy yell for Joel, his voice kind of panicked. You race out the front door and see Tommy balancing your coffee table off the side of the truck. Joel is running to his aid, the dust from your driveway kicking up behind him. You hold your breath watching Joel help him balance the wooden piece of furniture. 

“Can’t have you breakin’ your back before homecoming,” Joel fusses, guiding the legs of the table to the ground, “You know damn well Maria would have me, too.”

“Yeah, what’s a homecoming game without the head coach?”

You perk up, instantly becoming interested in the conversation that you weren’t supposed to be listening in on. The two men lift the table and start heading your way, right on the threshold. 

“You coach football?” You ask Tommy, trying not to show your excitement. You loved football, it reminded you of Sundays with your grandfather. You never got the privilege to go to an actual game, even in high school. 

“Yes, ma’am, for the local high school in Taylor. We are gonna make it to the state championships this year.” 

You glance at Joel when he says it. He rolls his eyes, “Gotta win at least one game to do that, Tommy.”

They place the coffee table right in front of your new leather couch. Tommy grunts, trying not to argue with his brother in front of a strange lady. 

He can’t help himself, though. He instantly snaps back at Joel.

“You know them boys have been practicin’ day in and day out. Why ya gotta be so negative?”

Joel places his hands on his hips, “Cause Sarah told me the guys in her grade are a bunch of dummies. I highly doubt they are ready to kick Georgetown’s asses.”

Tommy starts towards the door, “Just cause Sarah says it, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

“I believe my honor student daughter before I believe my dumbass little brother.”

You are not shocked Joel has a daughter. You are just shocked that she’s in high school. He looked too young to have a teen, but then again, he did have some grays sprouting. You cross your arms over your chest, watching Joel scoot the table across your hardwoods. 

You’re staring at his hands, trying to conjure up a wedding ring on his left finger. But there’s nothing. Maybe he did not wear it when he was working. Maybe he just forgot to put it on this morning. Maybe his passive aggressiveness towards you was simply to ensure there was distance between you and him, giving you subtle hints that he was taken. 

He finally glances up at you, stopping in his tracks when he notes your gaze. 

“Somethin’ wrong?”

You have no clue what to say because you are so trapped in your head about him. He’s a stranger, god damn it.

“N-no, everything is okay.”

“Don’t look it.”

“I just was not expecting the coffee table to look so dark against the hardwood,” you lie, pulling whatever you could think of out of your hat, “Doesn’t it look dark?”

Joel looks between the floor and the table, shifting in his stance, “Don’t know bout that.” 

“O-oh okay.”

“Alright, well we got ya all set up now,” He starts to head towards the entryway. You trail behind him like a lost puppy, “I’ll be by sometime tomorrow with that part for the toilet. I’m expectin’ another sandwich for that one.”

You grab your front door as you wave to Tommy as he heads for his truck. He smiles and gives you a head nod. Joel turns back to you, his ears perked up for a sarcastic jab from you.

  You think back to something he said to you earlier. You crack a smile, “What are neighbors for?”

PART 1 COMING SOON!

taglist (ppl who asked to be tagged): @joeldjarin @taylorsmakingfuckingmacandcheese @mysaviorjoelmiller @brittmb115 @missladym1981 @jasminedragoon

#joel miller x reader #joel miller smut #cowboy!joel #joel miller #joel miller fanfic #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller x you #pedro pascal #joel miller fic #joel miller fluff #joel miller au #joel miller angst #joel miller tlou #joel x reader

[bellaxgiornata]

Falling For the Devil [Part eighty-eight: "The Birthday Brunch"]

Pairing: Matt Murdock x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Matt meet up with your friends for Marci's birthday brunch.

Or The pair of you end up stumbling on a surprise of your own afterwards.

[Series of one-shots about Reader meeting, falling for, and dating Matt Murdock.]

Warnings: 18+ for this series; contains humor, fluff, romance, angst, smut (like...a lot of it later in the series), language, some violence

Word Count: 2.9k

a/n: This update is light and fluffy with a surprise at the end! Enjoy and feedback is always appreciated!

Tag List: @ninacotte @mattkinsella @stilldreaming666 @murdocksclient @madscamp02 @1988-fiend @linamarr @pinkratts @schneeflocky @acharliecoxedfan @yarrystyleeza @theetherealbloom @danzer8705 @lionalsowrites @harperdoodle @kmc1989

"So, are you feeling any older today?" Karen asked Marci, setting her mimosa back down.

Across the table from you and Matt, Foggy began to swiftly shake his head beside his wife. His wide eyes were on Karen as he roughly waved a hand in the air, indicating that was not the question to ask her this morning. The movement immediately caught Marci’s attention and she glared at Foggy's not-so-subtle gesture. He abruptly stopped, pretending he had been trying to grab his glass of water the entire time. 

"I found some gray hairs this morning," Marci glowered, her focus returning to Karen as she answered the question. "So yes, I definitely feel older today. And I don't like it."

"I'm sure it was just a really, really blonde hair," you told her.

Marci's dark glare fell on you, the weight of it immediately causing your back to straighten in your chair as you sent her a placating smile in return. Beside you, Matt readjusted his glasses on his nose as he shifted in his seat. A second later you saw his signature charming smile slip onto his lips.

"Personally, I think you look great, Marci," he told her. "You don't look like you've aged a day."

At Matt’s comment, Foggy choked on his sip of water, his eyes somehow managing to widen further in absolute mortification that Matt would make such an ill-timed blind joke. To your left, Karen threw a hand over her mouth as she attempted to stifle a laugh while Marci's piercing gaze slid over to Matt on your right. Matt continued to smile back at her, entirely unphased and completely aware of what a smartass he was being. Though seconds later Marci's eyes softened, a grin tugging up the corner of her lips. You swore Foggy visibly deflated in relief beside her. 

"Funny, Murdock," she countered. "But I don't particularly want to think about my age this morning. Even though I'm happy you all came out for brunch with us." 

"We wouldn't have missed celebrating your birthday," you assured her.

"And Foggy wouldn't have let us," Matt added.

Your head spun towards him, mouth gaping open at his continued teasing. Nudging him with your elbow, Matt chuckled in response. 

"I'm kidding, of course," Matt said, draping an arm around your shoulder. "You know you're like family to us, Marci."

Your teeth bit down on the tip of your tongue at Matt’s words, heat burning at your cheeks. Ever since you'd moved in with Matt a week ago–besides noticing the inability for you both to keep your hands to yourselves which had led to so much sex that your cunt was still aching from overuse as you sat in your chair–you'd noticed Matt had started referring to the pair of you as an 'us' on occasion now. Something he hadn't done before. And judging by the looks on everyone else's faces, they'd caught that, too. Your three friends had also all caught the way you'd nervously dropped your gaze to the table, fidgeting in your seat.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Marci and Karen exchange a look. You had a feeling they were about to interrogate the pair of you on your first week of living together. Your stomach twisted anxiously just before you felt Matt’s hand gently squeeze your shoulder in reassurance. But when Marci's focus returned to you as she leant forward in her seat, extreme interest written all over her face, your suspicions were quickly confirmed.

"We haven't had a chance to talk since you got settled into Matt's this past week," she began, her tone mischievous. "How's living together been going for you both?"

“Great,” you replied quickly, a nervous smile on your lips.

“Really?” Karen asked, her brows rising curiously onto her forehead. “No mishaps or arguments yet? Especially with the furniture being rearranged?”

You cleared your throat, your hands fidgeting with the silverware on your napkin as you remembered the brief argument yesterday morning before work. It was the first argument you’d had living together and it was about the pair of you having too much sex–who would've thought that would be the argument?

Matt shrugged beside you. “Nah, not really,” he answered, pulling you a bit into his side. “We’ve been having too much fun to really argue.”

Marci almost screamed in delight, her finger flying across the table at the pair of you as Karen let out a pleased squeal. Foggy was quick to duck his head, attempting to hide behind his hands at the table. You personally wanted to do the same with the way a few people at the nearby tables were now staring at you.

“I knew it!” Marci shrieked. “I knew you both would be fucking like rabbits!”

Karen giggled, her eyes on you. “Is that why you were complaining about being sore this week?” she asked. “You and Matt just can’t keep your hands to yourselves?”

You shook your head, not wanting to have this conversation with Matt and Foggy right here. “I really don’t think–”

“It’s certainly been a problem,” Matt cut you off. “But I’m not really complaining. Like I said, we’ve been having fun.”

You saw Marci and Karen exchange a look of pure delight just before your head spun towards Matt, a look of sheer horror on your face. He glanced down towards you, shooting you that charming smile of his.

“Matt!” you whisper-yelled at him. 

“What?” he asked innocently. “I’m sure you’re going to tell them all the details later. And besides, if you’re this riled up–” he leaned in towards your ear, “–you’re probably going to be too irritated with me to want me to rip that dress off of you when we get home and–”

“Matt!” you shrieked again, face heating at his words.

He chuckled, the warmth of it filling your ears and sending a shudder rippling down your spine. His fingertips lightly brushed against the skin of your shoulder, goosebumps rising along your arms despite the embarrassment flooding you.

"I stand corrected," he whispered. 

"What is your secret?" Marci asked curiously, leaning forward on her elbows towards you. 

"Babe, maybe we should talk about something else?" Foggy suggested. "Something that doesn't make everyone in here stare at us?"

"I absolutely agree," you said.

"Fine," Marci said with a sigh, settling back into her seat. 

"Do you remember how embarrassed you used to get around Matt? Always blurting out strange things?" Karen asked you. "And now here you two are practically inseparable."

Matt's hand along your shoulder pulled you further into his side as he leaned down, placing a kiss against the side of your head. Your eyes briefly fluttered closed as Matt's lips lingered, your heart beating unsteadily in your chest at the feel of them. 

"I hear wedding bells," Marci sing-songed across the table.

"Might want to get your ears checked then," Matt teased as he pulled away from you. "Sounds like your age really is catching up to you if you're hearing a ringing in your ears."

Marci's eyebrows shot up onto her forehead as Matt just sat beside you, smiling sweetly back at her. You were trying to bite back a smile of your own as Karen started to crack up to your left, struggling to contain her amusement. Across the table, Foggy sighed and shook his head.

"Buddy, I know you generally have a death wish," he began, "but I never thought you'd be dumb enough to actually provoke my wife to kill you."

"That would make an interesting front page article," you joked. "The big bad Devil of Hell’s Kitchen throttled to death at Wake 'N Bacon because he couldn't stop pointing out that Marci Nelson turned–"

Marci sharply pointed a manicured nail at you, her eyes narrowed. "Don't you dare finish that sentence or you'll both make the front page of The Bulletin," she warned. 

Both of your arms were wrapped around Matt’s left one as the pair of you made your way back home from the restaurant, Matt's cane tapping along the sidewalk. Marci's birthday brunch had been fun and you'd enjoyed seeing your friends again this weekend. Even though you'd been texting them throughout the week, you hadn't actually seen them since they'd all helped you move into Matt's apartment last weekend and you had inevitably missed them.

The brunch had also been a welcome distraction from Matt and yours' problem of constantly fucking. This weekend the pair of you had agreed to work on self-restraint. It seemed utterly ridiculous that this was an actual "issue" with you both–what couple actually needed to have less sex? But here you were, having to open the bedroom windows while you had been getting ready this morning in hopes to lessen the scent of your pheromones in the bedroom as you changed because Matt had been getting a little too handsy. It at least seemed to help him focus on getting ready himself, which only led to you both joking about just shoving Matt's head out of an open window whenever he made advances on you in the future.

"You finish that article?" Matt asked as the pair of you walked.

"Mhmm," you hummed with a nod. "Finished it while you were out last night."

"Good," Matt replied. "Hopefully you'll feel less stressed and can enjoy this weekend with me then. Last weekend was a little…busy."

"Well I wonder why," you teased, squeezing his arm between yours as he chuckled. "You planning on going out criminal wrestling tonight?"

Matt laughed, the warm sound drawing a smile to your face as you both made your way down the sidewalk. You still loved making him laugh.

"Criminal wrestling now?" he asked. "That's what I do?"

"Well you've never come up with a name for it," you replied with a shrug. "And it sounds better than asking if you’re going out and doing your illegal activities."

"Mmm,” Matt purred back. “ I'd like to do some criminal wrestling with you back home.”

"Matt," you warned. "That's what we're trying to avoid today."

"Do we need to, though?" he countered, glancing down at you. "We had nothing planned for the day besides that brunch so…?"

"I literally can't take anymore, Matt," you whined back. "I won't be walking all weekend if we have sex today. We need to find something wholesome to do instead."

"Wholesome?" Matt teased back with a laugh. "Like what? Go to church?"

You perked up excitedly at his suggestion. "We haven't stopped by to visit Maggie in a couple of weeks," you pointed out. "Maybe we should–"

Matt came to an abrupt stop on the sidewalk, pulling you to one beside him. Your brows furrowed as you watched his head dart to the side. The foot traffic began to spill around the pair of you as Matt continued to stare down the alley on his right. You craned your neck, trying to see whatever it was he was picking up on, but all you spotted was a dumpster and some garbage bags on the ground lying around it.

"What?" you asked him. "Fancy Devil senses catch something?"

“Yeah,” Matt muttered. “I thought I heard…a cat?”

You snorted in response, though Matt was far too distracted to respond to the noise as he usually did. His brows only further drew together beneath his red glasses as he continued to focus on the alley.

“I mean, there’s probably an apartment nearby with a cat,” you told him. “Or many apartments nearby with cats, actually.”

“No…” he replied, voice trailing off as he took a step towards the alley. “It sounded like it was coming from in here.”

Your nose scrunched in response to his words. “In the alley?” you asked him.

Matt nodded, disentangling himself from you as he began to fold up his cane. He took a few steps into the alley, his head still tilted to the side as he listened in on whatever it was he could hear that you certainly couldn’t. After a moment you followed after him, eyes narrowed as you watched him make his way over towards the dumpster.

“I think it’s in here,” Matt said. “Can you hold this for me?”

He held his cane out towards you and you took it from him wordlessly. Matt focused back on the dumpster, placing both of his hands along the ledge of it before effortlessly hoisting himself up and into it. You cringed when you heard the soft thump of him landing in a pile of garbage just before he ducked down out of sight.

For a moment you stood there, twisting his cane between your hands as you waited for him. You were about to call out to him when he appeared again–this time unmistakably holding a cat. The poor thing looked a little thin, its light gray fur looking a bit dingy and dirty as the cat’s nails dug into Matt’s black tee-shirt, the cat clinging desperately to him. Your heart immediately clenched at the sight of the cat as you hurried over to the dumpster, slotting Matt’s cane beneath an arm as you tried to free it from him.

“You poor kitty!” you cooed, cradling the cat against your chest before its nails soon dug into you through your dress instead. “Who would leave you in a dumpster?”

With a grunt, Matt easily climbed back up and out of the dumpster, his own nose wrinkled in disgust at the smell. No doubt he’d need a shower when the pair of you got back home.

“I hate people who do that,” Matt told you, reaching out and taking his cane from you. “I’ve rescued multiple litters of puppies or kittens from dumpsters around the city a few times now. It’s disgusting.”

Your gaze flew up to Matt in surprise. “You have?” you asked him.

“Yeah,” he answered with a nod. “There’s a shelter not too far away that has night staff. They uh, they’ve come to learn that Daredevil likes to bring by strays.”

You openly gaped at his admission as he ran a hand through his hair, attempting to fix it. You’d had no idea he did that when he was out stopping criminals. The knowledge of it only made you love him more.

“We can probably bring this one there,” he said, gesturing a hand at the cat you were holding. “If they’re full, I know they have other shelters or fosters they can get in contact with.”

Your eyes dropped down to the light gray cat that was clinging to you. It’s head rose up, bright green eyes meeting your own. The cat gave a soft mew that had you hesitating, your fingers beginning to scratch behind its ears. 

“What if…we don’t do that?” you asked him slowly.

Matt’s head tilted to the side, his covered gaze fixed on you. “What do you mean?” he asked back. “What else would we do?”

Eyes dropping back down to the cat, you saw it had closed its eyes. If you listened closely, you could hear the cat faintly purring as you continued to scratch behind its ears.

“I mean,” you began carefully, “what if we…kept it?”

“You–you want to keep it?” he asked in shock.

“Well, we should definitely make sure no one’s missing a cat first,” you explained quickly. “You know, see if this guy–or girl–is chipped and call up some places to see if anyone is missing a cat that fits the description. Do all the responsible things first. But…” you trailed off, eyes slowly focusing back on Matt’s face which was still twisted up in a look of surprise. “What if we kept it?” you asked softly.

“A cat?” Matt asked. “You want to have a cat?”

“I want us to have a cat,” you corrected him. “She–or he–could keep me company when you’re out at night. And I don’t really feel right leaving them at a shelter. I mean, you found them after all, Matt–in a dumpster no less. I feel like it's fate.”

You could see the faint twitch of Matt’s lips before a smile slowly drew them upwards at the corners. He took a step forward, one hand reaching out towards your face. His fingers affectionately traced the length of your jaw as he stood there silently for a moment, contemplating what you were asking. It felt like a long while before he finally spoke.

“I think you have a soft spot for loving unwanted strays, sweetheart,” Matt murmured fondly.

You couldn’t fight the grin that spread onto your face at his words. “It only makes me want them even more if they’re found in a dumpster,” you teased back. 

Matt laughed, the corners of his eyes creasing just past his dark glasses. His hand slipped down from your jaw until his fingers lightly brushed over the cat. The cat only relaxed further in your arms as Matt began to gently pet it.

“Alright,” he said after a moment. “If this cat really does need a home and you want it, then…I suppose we’ve just found ourselves a cat.”

You squealed in delight, focusing back down on the animal in your arms. “You hear that?” you asked the cat, its green eyes once again meeting yours. “You’re coming home with us. And I’m going to fatten you up and find you a name.”

“Okay, okay,” Matt said with a laugh, waving a hand. “Let’s hold off on the name until we know they don’t actually belong to anyone first. I don’t need you getting attached and getting upset if we have to give it up.”

Leaning down towards the cat, you whispered into its ear, “Don’t worry, he’ll fall in love with you, too. Just watch.”

[END NOTES]

They've got a cat!! I know many of you have been wanting this moment to happen and I always had it in my mind that Matt would be the one to find the cat in a dumpster and he wouldn't necessarily want to keep it--but just you wait. Matt and cat are going to be adorable. I have a whole list of ideas of things I want to explore with these two and Matt's senses when it comes to a cat that I've slowly been adding to for a month now. I'm thinking you'll see more of Matt and cat next because I think I'll make the next installment "The Stray" which I know was a suggested title from way back. I'm considering making it a Matt POV where he stays home with the cat while Reader runs out to buy cat supplies and he tries to bond with the cat.

I'll be getting interactive later today asking for cat name suggestions yet again. I'm hoping to find something that Matt and Reader would name the cat--so something related to Daredevil, Matt's father, or FFTD in general. For example, Matt loves trail mix, but that is a terrible name for a cat. So far I know I've been suggested Mittens (for boxing glove mitts) and Scarlet (because of Matt's suit being red) and I love those. I'm thinking I'll probably make a poll if there's enough for me to boil them down to and let y'all vote on it. Y'all know I love getting interactive! But I'll make a post for that later today or tomorrow so I don't ruin the surprise for everyone else.

#matt murdock x reader #matt murdock x you #matt murdock fluff #matt murdock #matt murdock fanfic

[plantboiart]

List of bitb headcanons I’ve just accidentally convinced myself are canon or something to the point where I’m shocked when they aren’t (under the cut so I dont needlessly fill up people’s feeds and also for spoilers)

-Rolan is a gay man

-Rolan did not realize he was a gay man until like his mid to late 20s

-Kian’s parents were drug addicts and very neglectful (I mean there’s subtext pointing to it but like technically all we know about them is that they’re hippies, they’re part of a “commune” (probably a cult) and they didn’t give him a last name)

-Rand has a stockier build than the other two. I don’t. He’s very skinny in official art. But in my brain? No he is not. Bro is chubby.

-Rolan was raised very religious and now he has issues

-Kian’s death and rebirth left him with a very large scar on his stomach (listen all I’m saying is the stingers like melt your skin and shit so if he swallowed it it would have done that to him from the inside starting at his stomach and also-)

-Rand is aroace but because he’s pretty sex positive and romance like neutral / positive he ends up thinking he’s bi

-Rolan had a cat with en ex-girlfriend but she took it when they broke up because Rolan’s a workaholic (mutual decision)

-Kian was definitely homeless at some point or at least very very much struggling for money while still trying to make the rockstar thing work

-Rand is dyslexic. Don’t really know where that came from and it’s not based on anything I just feel it in my soul

-Rolan can’t actually like… get sick. At least not with any kind of human illnesses. He just thought he had a very good immune system for the longest time.

-Kian is so so so very trans!!! Which direction? Depends entirely on what I feel like writing that day

-Rand was left a lot of shit in both of the other twos’ wills so post canon he’d be financially speaking pretty okay. Once he was doing a bit better he’d spend some of that money to just fucking start a record label, publish Kian’s music, and then leave conspiracy theorists going wild when the record label never publishes anything else ever again

-Rolan is the only one of the three who has like… actual other friends. They’re mostly from college and stuff and they’re not super close anymore but still call from time to time

-Kian calls Rolan hot nonchalantly

-Rand attempted before (please tell me you’ve seen the original please it’s meant to be a joke but also. Uh. Yeah.)

-All three of them are autistic. You know I’m right.

-The bugs can buzz in a way that has a similar effect to a cat’s purring :)

-Also on the bugs: they have a hierarchy that consists of

The queen (starts the hive, typically stays in the nest, not really of this mortal plane so needs a host to like tether them to it (Rachel), very intelligent and obviously rules the hive),

What I am choosing to call impostors for funny (more intelligent than average workers, are fully aware of what they are and what’s going on but can still pretend to be just normal people, act as a sort of middle man between the queen and the workers, mostly in charge of reproduction and gathering intel, keep and have all the knowledge from the person they are pretending to be),

And then the workers (not very smart on their own and need the hivemind to have like any idea what to do, have basically two minds aka the human mind and the bug mind, only one of which can typically be in control at a time, not capable of reproduction (mostly so i dont have to think about the implications of the bugs canonically laying eggs and Rolan), main purpose is to expand the hive, get food and protect the queen)

#theres honestly way more kian ones but i wanted all three of them to have a pretty equal amount here #kian is just a goldmine for headcanons since bro is so secretive and we have no idea whats going on with him actually #if anyone wants the rest of the kian headcanons just tell me and i will scream them from the rooftops #most of these are present in my fic btw #just roll with it #jrwi #jrwi show #jrwi bitb #jrwi blood in the bayou #blood in the bayou #jrwi spoilers #jrwi bitb spoilers #bitb spoilers #kian stone #rolan deep #timothy rand #jrwi kian #jrwi rolan #jrwi rand #jrwi headcanon

[whereserpentswalk]

Capitalism's narrative of eternal security

Sometimes I think about people who, in 2023, still make covid the main part of their politics. Like people who legitimately want full lockdowns to have been constant for the past three years. It feels like they're still stuck in 2020, like, looking at their posts, their weird shrinking subreddit, makes me feel strangely nostalgic. There's a point where it goes from a coherent ideology (because I think we understand by now that there's not going to be some magic event to make covid go away) to something closer to "the world is terrible and people suffer, so any happiness is morally wrong".

I feel like there's a deeply conservative trend to want to regulate the world into something completely safe. It goes back to 9/11, both in the very tangible things like the no-fly list, and the narrative people had around it. I don't know this for a fact because it predated my birth, but there were people who wanted to cancel Halloween that year, or asked if there would ever be comedy again, after the attack, which isn't logical, but is the type of thing that makes sense to a traumatized brain. This idea that society must be regulated by an overarching authority to keep everyone safe, the idea that everyone's ability to live their life is secondary to a vague idea of security.

Even the idea that a group is unsafe is the core emotion behind a lot of bigotry. It's a big reason why a lot of people want closed borders, it's why a lot of people want to regulate the rights of trans people, it's created a type of policing that disproportionately hurts poor people, poc, and the homeless, its why mentally ill people have basically no rights in this country. There's this idea that the freedom, and often even the life of marginalized people, is limited by standards of public safety. Even going back to covid, the idea that no harm done by covid was acceptable is based on the idea that harm and death from unemployment, abuse, and mental health issues are acceptable. So much of humanity is more confident that we can abolish nature then that we can abolish capitalism.

We always present safety like it's this trolly problem every society must grapple with, with no easy answer. But once you realize it's the freedom of the marginalized, and the safety (or often just the feeling of safety) of the privileged.

In a way the entire system of capitalism is just forcing people to give up their freedom for safety from things capitalism caused. And when people make fortunes off of making people sell their freedom for safety, they end up really hating when you want to abolish the danger they profit off of, rather than just passively "protecting people" from it.

I don't think I'm wording everything well. But I think it's something to think about. I feel like the prime emotion behind conservativism for the average person isn't hatred but fear. And fear isn't rational, it's why it's hard to use rational arguments for any of this. When someone says something like "we need to regulate trans healthcare to prevent any cis children from being harmed" it's hard to defeat that with pure numbers, statistics are only calming to people who want to be calmed by them, you could mention that it's harming trans people to regulate these, but that doesn't help because their fear narrative is about cishet children having their status as socially conforming taken from them, not about trans people being tangibly harmed. The only real way to refute this line of thinking (especially as it starts to infect our own communities on the left, and not just outside ones) is to break the narrative that there's some amount of nebulose harm that takes away our rights. There's a reason why deaths under capitalism aren't a concern for the type of people who say our society should prioritize safety, it's more about

An airport with strip searches would be safter from terrorism. A world where lockdown was a permanent policy for the rest of the foreseeable future would have less people harmed by illness. A world where people were chemically castrated until marriage would have almost no sexual assault. For the most part we reject these worlds, even if they're safer we've decided that there are reasons why we don't want this level of safety if it means being subject to certain conditions. And we can extend that to more radical things too, we can say that we don't care if the world is safter with cops, we still don't want cops to exist. We can say we don't care if the world is safter with borders, we still don't want borders to exist. We can reject more narratives of fear. And that includes ones we see popping up in our own communities.

God this post was long, and I didn't even mention ecofascists being a thing, or the leftist argument against gun control. Maybe next time.

#my thougts #196 #leftist #leftism #the left #us politics #a boring dystopia #libertarian socialism #social issues #social justice #socialist #socialism #communist #communism #covid #covid19 #hell world #anti capitalist #anti capitalism #anti facist #anti facism #anticapitalist #anticapitalism #antifacism #antifa #antifacist #antifascism #discourse

[dieabadass]

//having diabetes can’t be that bad they say ////

Let me tell you why the statement above is a load of crap.

1. Our bodies are waging war against themselves.

2. It takes us longer to heal when we get hurt and it takes us longer to recover from illnesses because our immune system is jacked.

3. We could die at any moment without warning.

4. Low blood sugars feel like you’re going through drug withdrawals.

5. High blood sugars feel like your body is drying out like a raisin.

6. Afraid of needles? Well tough! We need to prick our fingers more than three times a day, and either pierce yourself every three days for a pump site change or take more than four injections everyday.

7. Our organs are slowly failing.

8. We have a high chance of going blind.

9. We could lose our feet and legs

10. Insulin is crazy expensive.

11. Testing strips are crazy expensive.

12. The constant highs and lows drain us.

13. We can’t just eat food right away. We need need to calculate how many grams of carbohydrates are in our food, test our blood sugar, configure in a correction if need be, dose and by the time we take our first bite; everyone else have already finished.

14. Doctors are super expensive.

15. Pumps, meters and continuous glucose monitors (CGMs) are really really expensive.

16. No one ever takes our illness seriously.

17. Having children is VERY risky for ladies with diabetes.

18. The constant fear we have when we go to sleep knowing that we might not ever wake up due to low blood sugars at night.

19. The bruises and scars all over our body from YEARS of injections, site changes and finger pricks.

20. How our feet and hands are always freezing due to our poor circulation.

So tell me again how my suffering “isn’t that bad”. Make another joke about the worst thing that has probably ever happened to us. Laugh again when you say, “All of this food is going to give me di-ah-beet-us.” So just think about that next time you want to say something about diabetes….and the list goes on and on and on…

A year and some change ago me & my husband separated…. I was dealing with a lot of health issues and mental health issues & years and years of drug addiction wich also did not help with the invisible disease that wrecked havoc on my body since I was 5 years old ( I’m now 31 ) I didn’t even realize that my body was failing me from years of uncontrolled diabetes. I take responsibility for that 100%. What I hate myself for even to this day… is how differently I could have done things. I guess in the end no matter how well you take care of yourself the chances of living to grow old with someone sometimes isn’t in the cards for some of us. I hate that part. ….what I even hate more is the person I was supposed to spend whatever time I have left here left me for someone else. Someone who was healthier and able to keep up with him and his life…what I hate even more than that was that the person he left me for took disgusting cruel pleasure in making sure I knew everyday how sick I was and how she couldn’t wait to get the phone call from my crazy over protective mother with the news that I finally went to sleep and never woke up…while I was fighting for my life literally she had the nerve to let me know that she and my husband of 13 years could finally start their new life together without me and the burden I was to him would be over for good…. I still have the text message she sent me that almost sent me to my grave. Not from the illness i didn’t choose to have but from the words of someone who didn’t even know me. Turns out she actually knew me before she even met my husband but that’s a whole nother crazy story and crazy fucking rabbit hole/paradoxxx I’ll get into another time…. But this girls words and the combination of my husband allowing this cruel person to treat me like that and actually believed her twisted heinous immature nature and insensitiveness to the fact that she could have not crawled into my world at a more horrible time was sitting their laughing and mocking me for something I couldn’t help and had to now endure alone….a part of me will always hate this person for that. But the better part of me also forgives that girl and even my husband because I now have them too thank for overcoming the most trying times of my life… I’m far from perfect I’m far from healthy or sane or just. But I am far better than I used to be and something like having a chronic illness like type 1 diabetes is just another thing in this lifetime of mine. And for whatever it’s worth I’m thankful that my disease has showed me that despite all the obstacles…despite all the wreckage and chaos it’s caused for my life…. I’m still here above ground breathing for another day…

#diabeticblondie #actually diabetic #my life #werefuckeditsfine #358

[missing-sector]

Goes Wrong Show plays (not including the drama festival) ranked by how good I think the Goes Right versions would have been because I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

List under the cut because it gets rambly.

Unranked: The Pilot (not the pilot)

Full of so many historical inaccuracies and chaos that I genuinely do not know what the Goes Right version would be like. How the hell does the cloud scene fit into a spy thriller.

9th place: Summer Once Again

I adore the Goes Wrong version because of how unwieldy and confusing it is - but those same things would make the Goes Right version terrible. The story is very long - too long for a ~30 minute play in my opinion. And the disdain Robert has towards Chris would make the whole thing kinda awkward and uncomfortable - because in the Goes Right version this wouldn’t be pointed out for the audience to laugh at.

8th place: The Spirit of Christmas

I’m not big on christmas and without the Goes Wrong humour The Spirit of Christmas is just a cheesy christmas play. Not something I think is bad - just not what I would enjoy.

7th place: The Nativity

Again - a christmas episode. This one ranks sightly higher because I think having the set be a giant book is a cool design choice.

6th place: There Is No Escape

It’s a standard prison escape. Entertaining, sure, but I feel that certain things would be rushed (eg: Stu and Billy becoming friends, Wallace joining in on the escape, Rex becoming part of the team). Still somewhat entertaining, but watching it I’d feel that there were parts of the story that had been omitted. This one would be better as a TV series or a book to allow for character dynamics to evolve naturally.

5th place: Harper’s Locket

I think Emily is an excellent character even in the Goes Wrong version. Annie adds so much sass to the character and I love that. The main romance plot wouldn’t be as entertaining to me without the chaos of Goes Wrong but the potential dynamic between Emily and Celeste makes me think I’d enjoy this one.

4th place: A Trial to Watch

The story itself is kinda predictable (of course the main guy gets the girl, of course the sketchy looking guy is guilty). But the set design is one of my favourites and (if acted properly) the flashback scenes could be really tense - with tiny changes upon each iteration keeping the audience intrigued.

3rd place: The Most Lamentable Tragedy of the Prince of England and His Long Lost Twin Brother, Prince Regent of France and the Problems Therein Experienced by All When they came to Know of One Another after a Battle

Ok the title is ridiculous, but that’s a minor part of the play. If you can get past that you’re left with a Shakespearean play including: secrets, family betrayal and a jester who knows more than he should. All of which would be fun to watch - though I think it would be better if Malcolm manages to kill Louis as he is killed, resulting in Queen Isobel taking the throne.

2nd place: The Lodge

This one could be very unsettling if done right. Being trapped in an unfamiliar place with death referenced constantly - that’s brilliant for horror. Plus the shock when Emma (the mother) turns on David and then her own daughter. And it has a final scare at the end which I imagine could be slightly terrifying to watch live.

1st place: 90 Degrees

A story that is relatively simple, but still keeps you engaged - and it has a twist ending! I love stories with a strong focus on family dynamics and how complex they can be and 90 degrees definitely has that. Three siblings reunited for the first time in years because of their father’s ill-health, with two of these siblings appearing to be more interested in money than their own family. Yet they still feel sorrow at their father’s death.

The seemingly kind Larry revealed to be having an affair with his brother’s wife just as you think you have his character figured out is brilliant. Nothing is as it seems and everyone has secrets.

The set design is simple in the Goes Right version and technically not much happens - it’s just a bunch of characters talking. But I think that’s a good thing; it pulls your attention towards what is being said and how it is being said and what this could mean for the characters involved.

Some lines don’t add to the plot - neighbour Joe could be removed without altering the overall story - but they do add to the atmosphere, to the feeling that the characters are part of a bigger world.

Obviously this is all speculative - there are no Goes Right versions to watch. And the ranking is very subjective, but I’ve had fun!

Feel free to reblog with your own list, I’m curious to see what others think :)

#goes wrong show #rambles #fave #<- because this was a lot of fun and I want it in that tag :) #Mischief

[fearlessinger]

Hello if this is weird be free to ignore it . But what are your favourite books ? ( Aside from TOA )

Hi! It’s not weird, don’t worry, that’s a lovely question! 

Not gonna lie tho, you’re putting me in a tight spot bc I’m terrible at picking favorites lol. for me it’s always “here’s my Current Obsession, and here’s everything else that left a mark on me one way or another which is basically everything I didn’t immediately forget 5 minutes after having read it. 

So, to make things easier for myself I’m gonna exclude a priori anglo literature bc there’s enough talk about that on this website already. This is still in no way an easy task ahhh

Italo Calvino. Honestly a lot of the names & titles I’m gonna cite may vary depending on when I’m asked but no matter what his name will always be somewhere at the top of any personal fave list of mine. I can’t even choose ONE book to recommend, everything he wrote is fantastic and no work of his is like the other, even his essays are a joy to read. In a famous cycle of lectures he outlines what he thinks of as indispensable qualities of the kind of literature he wants to write and read: lightness, quickness, exactitude, visibility, multiplicity, consistency - in order of importance, and it’s the best summary of his style I can think of. It has this ethereal, almost weightless, fairy tale-esque quality, even when it tells of real history. It has depth of meanings and truths but it never gives them to you straight; rather it invites you to make your own way to them, and the journey feels somehow both deeply personal and universal at the same time. His books are ones you can and will want to devour in one sitting and then think about for months afterwards. My first encounter with Calvino was The Baron in the Trees and its spiritual successors, The Cloven Viscount and The Nonexistent Knight, but the ones I’ve reread most out of all of them are The Castle of Crossed Destinies, which is really a book about the act of storytelling, and Marcovaldo, which is a gentle, humorous, melancholy portrait of the extremely modest, simple life, aspirations and dreams of a farmer turned industrial laborer in 1950s-60s Italy.

Jules Verne. I just inhaled his books as a child and will always hold them dear in my heart. I’m sure there’s a lot of stuff in there that’s not aged well, but nonetheless this is the kind of adventure I dreamed about quite literally, these stories just opened up my imagination like WHOA. Special mention for the In Search of the Castaways - Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Seas - The Mysterious Island unofficial trilogy, definitely my fave of the bunch, starring my proto-Blorbo Captain Nemo, a prime example of poor little meow meow ante litteram, LOVE that guy so much. And I’m gonna say something a lil heretic here but you can skip the slower sections! You can jump ahead dozens of pages if you want! You do not need to read everything to be able to enjoy these books, go straight to the good parts, skim everything else or go back to it later, put your own interest and pleasure first! (This honestly goes for all kinds of literature. Books do have a fast forward button and you should always feel free to use it)

In the same vein, Dumas (père). Just let me be the basic-est of basic bitches for a sec and rec The Three Musketeers + sequels. I know, I know there’s like 3000 adaptations of these works around we all know the story but I still think the og novels are worth a read bc they are great and just straight up FUN. 

Bianca Pitzorno is a tragically underrated kids’ lit author and the main reason why she’s so underrated is bc she writes almost exclusively about GIRLS. The horror. Her books were such a huge formative influence on me, with their fully fleshed out fully flawed female protagonists, driving their own stories both for good and ill. I’m afraid there may not exist english translations of most of her work, but if you manage to get your hands on a version that you can read of L’incredibile storia di Lavinia, La bambola dell’alchimista, Polissena del Porcello, La bambina col falcone, La bambinaia francese… I promise you’ll be in for an unforgettable ride. I love especially how weird a lot of her stories get, and how unabashedly hopeful they all are - sometimes even too much, but hey, that’s what kid me needed and I doubt I was the only one.

The Divine Comedy. Listen. Listen I don't know how this rec (I know you didn't ask but this has turned into a rec list apparently whoops) is gonna work if you don't know Italian bc poetry is so hard to translate even when the translators are given enough time and money to do it properly - something that's tragically more and more rare these days - and while I'm a big proponent of the 'just fucking read the text, you can always look at the commentary later' school of thought this is a case where the text is old enough and full enough of pointed yet obscure-to-us-modern-readers references that you really are gonna miss out on a lot if you don't have a good commentary on hand. So like, I'm not gonna pretend it's no work to read the Comedy, but damn if it isn't worth it. I know on tumblr Dante is mainly known as the guy who wrote self insert rpf of the Bible and I'm not here to tell anyone to stop joking abt it bc it's damn funny but I wish more people realized, too, how immense and nobilitating of a compliment to fanfic it is, to compare it to the Commedia. How empowering the comparison should be, bc IT IS. Because the Commedia is an absolute masterpiece. Not just on the technical plane (the way it straight up SINGS when it’s read out loud) but in the way it goes right to your heart. It's a work so full of love and so unashamed of it. It is about religion, yes, specifically a very medieval kind of catholicism, but it’s also fundamentally about PEOPLE. All of them, the good, the bad, the infinite combinations in between. About how only through the work of knowing them and loving them you can hope to get to truly know and love god.

Cesare Pavese. No joke this man’s writing can and WILL give u depression. You gotta take it in small doses. There’s two works of his that I can never stop thinking about: The Moon and the Bonfires, about rural northern Italy and the partisan war and family and blood and the way roots ground you and trap you simultaneously, which I will never read again because I'm not strong enough, and Dialogues with Leucò, a collection of imagined dialogues between Greek mythological figures exploring existential themes through incredibly effective and piercing back and forths, which I’ve reread a number of times and loved more every time. It’s a very short and incredibly dense book, and one that I recommend wholeheartedly. 

One hundred years of solitude. This is where I realize that there’s a bit of a common thread tying all my biggest faves together and it’s a kind of… mythological quality I guess? Tho not always strictly tied to classical mythology, obviously, of the storytelling. Not that it’s not grounded in reality, because it very much is, but that it sort of transcends it also on some level? Idk. This book made me feel small and finite in the best way, it told me of a whole world that I didn’t know about and yet that I could recognize and resonate with nonetheless in so many ways. Just a stunning, deeply compelling read all throughout.

I’ve been writing for like an hour already so I’m gonna stop here for now lol

I’ll leave you with the (not rrverse) book that’s next on my to read list bc I may as well keep plugging Italian authors, especially when they are actually writing in english: Let the mountains be my grave by Francesca Tacchi. I have high hopes for this one, the premise sounds extremely my jam

#books #recs #anon

[albumwalloffame]

Top 10 Worst Album Covers of 2023 - Part 2/2

Part 1

#5. Lordi - Screem Writers Guild

You know, one of the key differences between drawing for illustration and for animation, is that animation does not require a whole lot of detail, especially on characters because that is just more stuff that has to move and more time spent on superfluous details. Illustration allows you get more detailed… but this may just be too detailed.

Also, I get the pun, but it still bothers me "Screem" is misspelled.

#4. Various Artists - A Very Metal Christmas

I'm sorry, but you cannot make Christmas a "badass" holiday.

#3. Dungeon Wolf - The White Elf

The sad thing is… the last time Dungeon Wolf had an album cover on this list, was an improvement. It was disgusting as Hell, but it was at least competently put together, I mean… do I even need to explain why this is awful? It should be pretty obvious right? Then again I thought it would be pretty obvious to not take influence for your album cover from Adema's "Topple the Giants" and Louis Prima's "The Call of the Wildest". It's got a frame and everything too, it's like the most basic ass photoshop job ever, I could have done this when I was learning to use Photoshop in High School. The worst thing is, I'm pretty sure it's intentional, I'm fairly certain that the guys behind Dungeon Wolf just want attention and will try to get it in anyway that doesn't involve putting in any actual effort. Congrats, you got your consolation prize, your participation trophy, bronze medal, you reached third place again, even your practically offensive album cover wasn't bad enough to be number one, but to be number one means you would actually have to try, put genuine effort into what you do.

I doubt this is the last we'll see of Dungeon Wolf, but we can hope, right?

#2. Willie Nelson - Bluegrass

I know it is… wrong to speak ill of our patron saint of country and folk music Willie Nelson, but my autistic ass just wants him to back the Hell up. I can get the blue tinting, the weird effect on the edge, I can buy all that, I can vibe with that, but I don't want an old man getting so close in my face I can hear him breathing, frankly I don't really want anyone that close to my face without my consent. Willie, please, back up!

#1. Parannoul - After the Magic

There is thought that goes into ranking these lists. I really do have to think about what the intent behind the album cover is, if it's funny bad or just normal bad, sometimes I even have to ask if I actually hate the image or if I'm just attaching something around the album to the actual album artwork. However, something I do have to think about is, "Can I really argue that this is the 'worst' album cover", like I have to justify this to myself before I justify it to you. I mention all of this because, as soon as I laid eyes on this album cover, this bright ass photo with a television static filter placed over it, this eye-burning eye-sore of an album cover, I knew this immediately had to have the number one spot. There are more boring album covers, album covers that are lazier, more offensive, uglier, grosser, sillier, album covers that actually make me uncomfortable to look at, but this album cover is just the least good. There it is, worst album cover of the year.

Honourable Mentions:

Melanie Martinez - Portals; You know, I think even Marilyn Manson was done with this schtick at one point.

Roger Waters - The Dark Side of the Moon Redux; Obviously, the best way to improve one of the greatest album covers of all time is to shrink it down and put in something's eye, clearly.

Sufjan Stevens - Javelin; This would have been on the list if I wanted to have a three-way tie on the list.

Flume - Arrived Anxious, Left Bored; This album cover is a mood and I hate it.

Tim Hecker - No Highs; It was between this and the Foo Fighters cover.

U2 - Songs of Surrender; Come on guys... You're better than this.

Veil of Light - Sundancing; Okay, honestly, I hate pastels. Not enough of a reason to put it on the list proper, but I hate pastels.

Fairly Odd Bops; This was on the list before I remembered that Dungeon Wolf did a thing.

Everything But The Girl - Fuse; I'm sorry, F U S and E do not make shadows that look remotely like E B T or G.

Haken - Fauna; I'll admit, I kinda like this one, but it's so silly. It's the kind of bad that loops around and becomes good.

#music #art #album art #album covers #bad album covers #top 10 list #rock and roll #pop music #Album Covers Wall (Hall) of Fame

[bread-gobgob]

Hi.

Mod Kanik here. I'd prefer to be called K. I do not go by this in real life, but if this post is ever found by its other owner, I do not want them to know my name.

WARNING. THIS POST DISCUSSES A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN A MINOR AND AN ADULT.

This blog was never all that active. The story Eni and I were writing was a wonderful escape from our horrid realities and was made better our writing together. I do not consider this blog a big part of my life, obviously. We never had any followers, we never put that much effort into it, but I do consider it a big deal. This blog is all I have left of Enigma. That is not a good thing. I think if I post this it'll give me the closure I need.

When bread-gobgob was created, I was - based on the dates of the posts - fifteen years old. For nearly three years, I had been chronically online and had developed a terrible bout of agoraphobia. This was the result of many things that I won't list, but most of all it was the result of a very long co-dependent relationship.

Usually, I really wouldn't find this relationship to be that big of a deal. Recently, I have been diagnosed with traits of BPD, I tend to be dependent on people. I tend to have unhealthy traits. I'm trying to get better at not doing that. However, the relationship I had with Enigma was an incredibly big deal. In fact, it was a huge deal. I was fifteen. Enigma was twenty.

I cannot keep my composure while talking about this, I apologise for that, but I'm not aiming to keep my composure here and act mature. I'm aiming to tell my story, because Enigma was an inherently fucked up person and I need to vent. I need to talk to someone about this. I need them to come back and see this at some point and understand what they did to me.

To tell the truth, their age never stood out to me.

I lost contact with Enigma right before my sixteenth birthday. I believe it was the eleventh, maybe twelfth of July? We had stopped talking long before that. I will give credit where credit is due, it is Enigma's sysmates that initiated the loss of contact. Engima was removed from their position as host and the system, from what I know, decided it would be best to ghost as they did not know any other way to tell me they didn't want me in their life anymore.

I thank them for that.

Since losing contact with them, I've made friends. I moved schools (I went to college) and made friends who weren't held hostage by their phone their whole teenhood, and I have spoken to these people about Enigma. I have spoken with my therapist about Enigma. I had long, long talks with my ex-girlfriend about Enigma.

All three parties had only one thing to say about it all. That being, that I was groomed.

My relationship with Engima was a struggle, but I want to be clear: our dynamic was only romantic for around nine months out of the three and a bit years we knew each other. I want to be even clearer: it was NEVER sexual. Not once. But it was unhealthy. PAINFULLY unhealthy.

I'm shaking as I write this so I apologise if this doesn't make sense. When I knew Enigma, they also had an extreme case of agoraphobia. I do not think they ever did what they did out of genuine ill-intent, I think this was just their very fucked up way of showing they cared. But that doesn't matter, because it was still manipulation.

I missed out on a lot of my teenage years - when I first got into a relationship with Engima (April 2019), I was twelve, turning thirteen and they were seventeen, turning eighteen. When I told them my age - a few days after my thirteenth birthday - we stayed together for another five months. They broke up with me on Jan 1st, 2020 because they were uncomfortable with my age. This was over Skype. They said that, in future, they'd be happy to get back together if the opportunity came about. They said that they would prefer to wait for us to both be adults before meeting. I agreed to this and we went on as best friends. But in spite of this breakup, we only grew closer.

When I say I missed out on a lot of my teenhood, I mean I never got to experience the big things. I never went to parties, I never smoked weed, I never got drunk, I never kissed anyone, I never went out with my school friends, I never went outside.

I'm sure a lot of people go without these oppurtunities. Most of my friends didn't smoke weed or drink simply because they never got the chance. I'm not salty that I never got to try substances or mess around with a stranger at a party. That's not what I'm saying. I did get the chance to try those things. I got invited to parties and I got asked to come sesh with people and I got asked to go to town and window-shop with my buddies. I declined everything I got asked to. I declined because when I told Enigma about my weekend plans, they would freak out.

Freak out at me and at themself. The idea of me going outside, to this person, was like a threat. I would say "[name] and I are going skating tomorrow!" and Engima would have the panic attack of their LIFE. That, or they would ignore me for multiple hours. Enigma didn't like the idea of me going outside. It got to the point that I cancelled plans out of fear that they would off themself if I stepped outside. The fear came from the idea that if I was busy, I wouldn't answer. If I didn't answer, they would panic. If they panicked, they would hurt themself.

And it was like this until my last year of high school. I live in Australia, we don't have middle school. We got straight from primary school to high school, and then we head to college when we hit seventeen. There were five months of my four years of high school where I didn't have this person on my back, telling me I couldn't do this or that because they NEEDED me.

Enigma and I's last messages to each other were late last year after my leaver's dinner. I sent them photos of my dress and new hair and all that, and said I was living my life now. They sent me a message back and we exchanged words about how these days, it was so much easier to go outside and do things because we weren't nervous that we were gonna miss a message about something bad.

I know that throughout my relationship with Enigma, I was very panicky and very dependent. In their last message, they made it sound like I had done the exact same thing to them? I argue that they were eighteen-twenty-one and I was thirteen-sixteen. Fuck that. You were an adult and I was a child. You claimed to be so much more mature than me and claimed to know what was best for us, so I raise you the fact that you were an adult. A UNIVERSITY STUDENT. And though you broke up with me, you stayed in contact, even though I was FIVE YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU AND TO THIS DAY STILL AM A MINOR and made me think that if I left you, an adult, alone for more than an hour, YOU WERE GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

FUCK YOU HORRIFIC SENSE OF MORALS AND YOUR FUCKING "oh but we were so close and I was so attached and-" FUCK THAT. You were an ADULT. You should have blocked me BACK IN 2019. I DIDN'T NEED CLOSURE. I NEEDED TO BE TALKING TO ANYONE, ANYONE MY AGE. You shouldn't have needed me. I was not capable of fixing you.

You don't realise it, but the effects you had on me were insane. I take melatonin now because YOU used to get mad at me for falling asleep. I hallucinate your voice when I have panic attacks, I dream of you and I sitting alone in a void when it's been a long day. I panic when I don't have my phone on me. Recently I lost it, left it with a friend who then got on a bus with it, and the panic attack I had was HORRENDOUS. I thought I was going to get a message from you, August this year, and miss it and completely fuck everything up.

I have cried over you tirelessly, I have written stories upon notes upon letters to and about you. You have thoroughly ingrained yourself into my head and you just. won't. get. out.

I am working towards getting over it. Leaving my phone at home while going on walks, not bringing chargers to school, putting my phone on do not disturb, completely deleting discord and skype from my computer AND phone. But I don't think I'll ever really escape it. Not before I get out of school anyway.

I will not speak on my relationships with the others, as I respect them far too much for taking action when realizing that what was happening was unhealthy. There is one other alter, however, that I am willing to talk about. Not because of anything bad. Simply because I need to come clean.

K. You know who you are. I don't care if you read this or not, it feels wrong to say it all, but I can't keep myself from saying it. You'll probably never see this, but I think telling you will help in some way toward my healing. Here goes.

So far as I know, I'm aromantic. Romance repulsed. But occasionally, you cross my mind, and I remember how desperately in love with you I was when we knew one another. Enigma always said, "you fixed him!" I think that was very poor wording. I didn't fix you, K. You fixed yourself. All it took was some form of kindness, and you learned to open up. Slowly. I'm so proud of you for that. I don't think I'll ever love anyone as much as I love(d?) you, K.

I sound ridiculous at this point, but you'll never read this, so fuck it. Talking with a very nerdy friend of mine recently, I realised why you got so odd when I promised to braid your hair one day. I don't take it back. If it weren't for how things went, if it were a different time, different circumstance, I would marry you. In a heartbeat, I would let you braid my hair and I would braid yours. I hate to admit it, because I hold so so much resentment in my hands and jaw, but I absolutely would. You were so so special to me and I don't think I could ever be mad at you for what happened. You are the brightest bit of the spots of light in the darkness of my teen years.

I send my respect to JF, who always made me laugh. To PB who always held wonderful conversation. To B, TMM, and THM who made me feel powerful and respected.

Thank you to those in the system who provided me comfort during a very scary time. We should not have known each other in the first place and, to be honest, I don't remember most of you. But you were there and you were not my abuser and I recall snippets of joy from some of you. Thank you. I'm sorry it turned out like this.

K.

[dzpenumbra]

4/23/23

I had another sleep-like-crap night, then sleep-in-the-comfy-chair day. It was because of a dream this time. I don't really remember it fully. I woke up in a scene where I was at this really unique bakery, it was so intensely vivid. It was very home-like, with white walls and lots of dark high contrast decor and food. It was a unique, cool cafe kinda place, it reminded me of a place in... either Boston or Portland, ME, I don't remember... that was a cupcake bar or something, like all they had was cupcakes and you just go and eat, and the whole place was like... part of a renovated house. It was cool.

In this dream, I was with my mom. And it was uncomfortable. And I had to like... explain to her how my cat had died. Like she didn't know. It was really upsetting, enough to wake me up after 5 hours of sleep and have me not want to dream journal it, or go back to sleep.

I was on social media for a while, Instagram this time. But the ads completely counteracted the palate-cleanse it was intended for. That's the biggest problem with social media for me - I can curate follows and subreddits and all that the best I can... and still... every 5th thing on my feed is going to be some paid placement that is either political, predatory, or obnoxious. It is extremely rare for it to be anything other than those three categories. Today, it was an onslaught of ads targeting "get a fucking job", "employment in your state", "government jobs with no work experience required", "how to make money writing copy for tech companies", "buy this program to make money as an artist! Get billions of followers today!" And, to top it off, ads for at-home psychedelic therapy (I have no fucking clue how this is legal or remotely ethical...), and more targeted apps and supplements for ADHD. In short - give up on your career, get on drugs.

I go there to look at cool art, and watch skate clips. And I get bombarded by "get a job" and "you're mentally ill". And it wears me down so much that I... I stay on the fucking site to try to keep scrolling to even out the feeling. To get more positive input than upsetting shit. But some days its just a losing battle.

Since my whole day was off, I planned to only get groceries and work on animation today. And I got the grocery list together and everything, went to checkout, then the delivery time options were all for tomorrow. It was already like... 8-8:30... The whole fucking day disappeared. I just tunnel-visioned on shit and got lost in my head, and missed the window. That shit frustrates me.

Days that sound like today? Super common for me. A massive downside to not having anyone in your life to like... break you out of your focus.

So... I'm gonna do groceries tomorrow. I made really dank quesadillas. I did a lot of animation and... finished the animation. I think. I'm pretty happy with it. And finishing that means... all that's left is an outro with my info on it, if I want to do that.

I'm tempted to redo the hiking footage. The footage I took in the trails right in the middle of the city? They have graffiti all over the trees. I didn't even notice when I was out there. And that's a huge faux-pas in all subcultures of society. That's just gross. You don't tag nature, you don't tag living things. It's so weird, it looks post-apocalyptic. And I don't like it in my video. Because I'm on the VO saying like... "I love nature, I always have, being in nature has been a huge part of my life..." and on the screen is a first person shot walking down a trail and there's an oak tree with some indecipherable black spraypaint scrawling on it that looks right out of Dawn of the Dead or some shit. Ugh.

So... I need to plan a trip to go to the National Forest and see some real nature again. I'm so goddamn overdue. I should just pick a day and reserve the car for it, as though I were making plans with someone else. Or making an appointment or something. Maybe that would help me pull the trigger on it. I think I'll bring the GoPro to get better footage too, the footage my phone took was absolute dogshit for some reason.

So yeah, that was basically my whole day. Wish I was exaggerating, it was like... the entire day. Sleep. Distraction. Sleep. Yoga. Distraction. Groceries. Cook. Eat. Work. Play Risk of Rain 2. Journal.

I might as well write about this too. Since it's 4:30 AM already anyway, it's not like I'm resetting my sleep schedule tonight. (How many thousands of times have I said that sentence...) I have been reflecting on the shit with my therapist. And why I was like... chomping at the bit to get that email to him. I get like that a lot. I get frantic, I write pages, I devote my entire self to like... trying to put out that fire. Here's the mechanism the best I can observe right now.

So... I've said the past few days that it's like a rock thrown into a pond, and then all the emotional ripples hit me. In the form of invasive thoughts and feelings. Just waves of them, varying degrees of intensity. And I can try to distract, or try to suppress, or try to let go... all with varying degrees of success. But it will come back. It always does. Because it's important.

These invasive things, they are very rarely... little things. They are usually incredibly important. Like... my deepest fears, my biggest struggles, my pains and nightmares, my trauma. They are big and they are unresolved.

And I... I kinda came to a conclusion I've come to several times before today. In those moments, I'm afraid I might have trouble distinguishing between importance and urgency. Because I... don't have structure. Like... I think this is so goddamn foreign to other people because their lives are so different than mine that they just... they can't relate to me at all.

Like... on my list of priorities today - work, groceries, shower, try to make time for myself... Where does "resolve the nagging conflict that happened with your therapist that they probably don't even know is eating you alive" fall on that list? How many days do I sit with that tapping on my shoulder every 2 hours... "hey, this dude thinks you're nuts because you got scared about leg pains when you live a sedentary lifestyle and have gotten a blood clot before."

I mean... it's an inner conflict, right? He probably has no clue it's still bothering me 3 days later. And that it's been haunting my dreams. All because of a 10 minute panic moment... that I actually overcame... that I dealt with... kinda in a crude way, but effectively. Like... it didn't bother me that night, it didn't bother me the next day. I brought it up because of how acute the reaction was. How powerful it was. It was facing death, it was... fucking jarring. But it didn't leave a lasting emotional scar, it didn't leave ripples. But this fucking did.

Because the context I put it in? I said I wish I had someone to call when I was scared like that. I just don't want to be alone in it, that's a life-goal of mine. I wish I could just talk to someone and go "hey, I'm kinda freaking out a bit... because like... an ER tried to take my leg off for something that felt a lot like this... and I don't know if this is really a dangerous situation or not? So... could you help me make sense of what I'm seeing?" Like... a friend, or a girlfriend. To just... see what they would do. Which I picture as a super normal thing, something I've had in my life before, and something I plan on having again. And he responded by like... urging me away from that expectation, and pushing me towards... crisis lines... and mentioning outpatient programs and shit? And I'm just like... yo, dude... Are you legit telling me this isn't a common problem?

You're going to tell me, in the age of Covid, that people not being sure if they're having serious medical symptoms and wanting to get a second opinion from a friend on whether they think they should call a doctor, because they don't want to waste valuable medical resources on a false alarm... is uncommon. Is a symptom of delusion or something? Like... really?!

That set off a lot of shit. Because that whole... defaulting to me being crazy and delusional? That's my family. That's where the dreams came from. And that's the haunting ripples I keep feeling. And as fucked up as the supremely intense facing death feeling was? I'd do it again in a heartbeat to make the "you're crazy and no one will ever be there to help reassure you when you're scared, if you want comfort you talk to a psychiatric nurse" bullshit stop. In a heartbeat.

So I get in this chaotic whirlpool of urgency. Because I just want these nasty narratives to leave me alone. The invasive thoughts, the memories, the... ghosts of the past... the way people think of me... the way people thought of me... The life I'm allowed to have. And all the nightmare memories attached to it. I just want them to stop. I want them to leave me alone. Because have 1 hour of talk with this dude, then 168 hours left alone with my thoughts until the next opportunity to even attempt to make sense of it. And these thoughts leave me alone, when they are at peace. When they are resolved.

So, yesterday, I just wanted him to understand how big of a problem it was for me that he jumped right into crisis mode. And treated this like it was... someone having a mental break or something. It really fucked with me. And still is. It made me feel unstable, and it made me feel like he... felt I needed to be institutionalized or some shit. It really upset me. I hate feeling like that so much. And I starkly disagree, I have been doing so much better considering the struggles I'm facing. I really thought I was on a good path, and things were on the upswing. However... this guy was a crisis counselor for over 5 years straight... I need to remember that. His response might have been force of habit.

So yeah, back to importance vs urgency. I do struggle with that when it comes to conflict resolution... because my analytic brain obsesses over interpersonal and psychological problems (you're literally witnessing it go full-tilt right now at almost 5AM, this process right here is what I'm talking about...) and treats them like puzzles to solve... and is constantly working on them. So when the thought/emotion ripples, the reminders, come back for their hourly visit... my analytic mind is ready to drop everything and just figure out the solution to this. So that I don't have to carry it anymore. And that is important, but is it... urgent? That's where I am now. And it's a really tough call.

For people who are adept at self-distraction? Important is not urgent. For people who repress, or avoid, or run... important is not urgent. But my conscience will pop up more notifications in my head than fucking Doordash trying to get me to use their damn app again. Like every damn hour. "Hey! It's important! Remember?!" DING. And I'll hit snooze until I can afford the time and resources to resolve it to my survival instincts' satisfaction. This affects my ability to focus, this affects my ability to get shit around the house done. But most importantly - this affects sleep.

You know the phrase - "How can you sleep at night?" Usually has to do with... guilt, right? Conscience-based stuff? Guilt, regret, shame, remorse, shit like that? Wishing you had done different, or done more? And I get that shit while I'm awake, constantly. So... my remedy to not be perpetually haunted by that, or perpetually in conflict with my inner self (which makes me physically ill when I am...) I... put in the extra work to work with my conscience. And try to find a solution. Like... right here, right now.

But when that involves closure with another person? Who doesn't have time for that resolution or closure? That's when I think it needs to shift from urgent to important. With interpersonal conflict, especially with those who have very busy lives. I need to learn how to shift things from urgent to important, to deal with my conscience's deep frustration about that, to cope with its impatience and interruption. And that's a skill... I am very clumsy with. Because I lack experience. I lack social experience. Because in my life, if something is important? I'm doing that. Not scheduling it for next month. And that's something I need to work on socially. And I am, and I'm getting better at it. I just... don't get a lot of opportunity to practice.

So yeah... I'm learning with this that... the page and a half I wrote for my therapist? That's information he needs to gather himself. And I need to just self-soothe, not do the learning of what really sets off my trauma shit for him. That's his job.

I went on tons of tangents here, I have no idea if it made sense, I'm still trying to figure out this really... fickle concept of importance vs. urgency. When things can wait and when they're like... "get this shit out of the way now."

I'll tell you this much, if I have ADHD... that inner invasive thought voice? That's the impulse-control issue component. That's the impatient, won't sit in his seat, bundle of emotions, driven by a motor part of me. 100%.

Welp... here's hoping for good dreams tonight, so I can get a full-night's rest. Good vibes to end this on? The animation I made? I started from scratch today and just did simple handdrawn animations in blender, and it actually came out pretty cool. Very barebones, but it got the job done better than I was envisioning. The project is taking shape, which is really nice. And soon... I'll be able to allow myself to move on to other projects... Soon... XD Any day now...

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[seaoflove]

some quotes i live by pt. 2 (pt.1)

let me stay tender-hearted, despite despite despite — chen chen, from this tweet

can i, as an adult, have the childlike courage to lose myself? — clarice lispector

i took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. i am, i am, i am. — sylvia plath, the bell jar

it is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world — mary oliver

where does this tenderness come from? and what will i do with it? — marina tsvetaeva (translated by ilya kaminsky)

i beg of you, do not walk by / without pausing / to attend to this / rather ridiculous performance. it could mean something. it could mean everything. it could be what rilke meant, when he wrote: you must change your life. — mary oliver, “invitation”

a trick i often use, when i feel overwhelming shame or regret, or brokenness beyond repair, is to think of a line i especially love, or a poem that arrived like lightning, and remember that it wouldn’t have come to me if anything in my life had happened differently. not that way. not in those words — patricia lockwood

i want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness as i can decently manage, loving all the people i love, and doing as much as i can of the work i still have to do — audre lorde, a burst of light: living with cancer

be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. [...] live the questions now. perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer. — rainer maria rilke, letters to a young poet

i want to be a sweetheart in every moment, full of goats and xylophones, as charming as a hill with a small village on it. i want to be a village full of sweethearts — chen chen, “elegy for my sadness”

the sea: i didn’t lose myself in it; i found myself in it — albert camus

#‘quotes to live by’ reads like a cheesy buzzfeed article but u get the vibe!!!! #more like: words to fold and tuck inside your heart for safekeeping <3 #think ill make a part three still have a lot left on my list!!

[animeomegas]

Who is the most needy while in heat?

I decided to write for a few characters for different categories: Clingiest, Horniest, Territorial and Requires Support. Enjoy~

Who is the clingiest:

1.     Itachi – Itachi has only ever had soft heats in his life(heats that are not sexually, but instead emotionally charged). He didn’t have his first heat until he was already part of the Akatsuki and didn’t feel safe enough for a proper heat. His health also isn’t the best, so his body knows to have soft heats rather than normal heats. Because he only has these types of heats, they are very strong. He feels a constant urge to be by your side, ideally with you touching him at all times. He can’t take suppressants because they mess with his illness, so he can’t minimise the effects. He spends the two days holed up in his room, the door locked and sealed shut. He won’t let you leave his nest much, growling and whining if you try. His instincts are screaming at him that he has to protect you and that you have to protect him. He can get a little addled and confused because the impulses are too strong. He’s extremely clingy in heat and he hates it. He always feels embarrassed afterwards.

2.     Izuku – Izuku is prone to crying and feeling very rejected if you neglect him during his preheat or heat. He feels the sting of rejection very strongly and feeling abandoned during a heat is… not good for omegas to put it lightly. It can make them sick if it’s serious enough. So, Izuku will definitely try and keep you in his nest as much as possible, asking wordlessly to be carried with you if you need to leave for a moment. Going to work or leaving the house during his heats (even when he’s on suppressants) is a no-no for him. He will do anything to get you to stay with him, including but not limited to hiding your keys, seducing you, and begging.

3.     Mammon – From the second he’s in preheat, he literally will not leave you alone. He’s very attention starved, but his slight tsundere tendencies keep him from acting on his need for affection. His heat and preheat remove the tsundere tendencies and make him even more desperate for attention. He’s hanging off of his Alpha constantly, following them around and sleeping in their room. He enjoys laying on top of them while they stroke his hair or rub his back. Will growl away anyone who tries to take you from him. If the growling doesn’t work, he’ll whine at you to stay with him because he knows you can’t refuse him when he’s like that.

4.     Kaoru – He doesn’t like how clingy he is, but it’s very uncomfortable for an omega to ignore their heat urges, so he doesn’t bother trying to resist it. He’s very prone to loneliness when he’s in heat or preheat, so he likes it if you’re with him as much as possible. He will spend most the time sitting on your lap, innocently and not so innocently.

5.     L – He isn’t particularly fussed about constant physical affection, but he wants you to be in the same room as him at all times. He constantly turns away from his work to make sure you’re still sitting in the room with him, and in the evenings, he likes if he can sit on your lap while he works. His heats are reduced from suppressants, and his libido is very low generally, but he still likes to make sure his alpha is safe and with him during his heat and be surrounded by his alpha’s scent.

Who is the most territorial during heat:

1.     Sasuke – Will straight up growl at anyone who gets too close to you both, and it won’t end well if someone shows up at his house when he’s in heat. Sasuke immediately views whoever it is as a threat and would likely try and attack them, especially if they were a stranger or someone he didn’t like. He is a lot less stressed during this time if you both just hole up at home for his preheat and heat. One of the reasons he makes his nest in a walk in wardrobe is because it’s an easily defendable place.

2.     Shikamaru – He has to have an arm around you or vice versa at all times. He makes sure you always smell like him during his preheats, just as a warning to other omegas. In heat, he gets very intense and caught up in the feelings, so interruptions from outsiders will be jarring and he’s likely to react aggressively.

3.     Shinsou – Is very paranoid when in heat and preheat. He gets nervous about people coming to try and hurt him and his mate while he’s weak, so he doesn’t like anyone he doesn’t know around you or him. Shinsou is fiercely protective of his family and his alpha. When he’s actually in heat, he would probably try to attack anyone who got too close.

4.     Belphie – Likes to just lay down and sleep with you when he’s in preheat, and whenever any of his brothers (or anyone else) try and get you to move, he growls them away, wrapping his arms around your chest to stop you from going anywhere. Would definitely bite someone if they were brave enough to try and remove him from you by force. When he’s in heat, he uses compulsion charms to keep people away from the attic where he likes to spend his heat with you.

5.     Diavolo – He can’t keep his hands or lips off of his alpha during preheat, but not just in a horny way, mainly in a ‘they’re mine’ kind of way. He likes to show off his relationship to others as a warning to stay away. He is delightfully smug if you return the treatment.

6.     Kusuo – He pretends he isn’t being territorial when he’s in preheat, but whenever you end up in conversation with someone, Kusuo is just suddenly standing next to you, I wonder how that happened? He also makes a way greater effort to ditch anyone who might interrupt his alone time with you. He turns his friends away if they show up at his door when he’s in preheat. When in heat, he gets off on the ‘you’re mine and I’m yours’ aspect.

7.     Light – This boy in greedy for your attention when he’s in preheat, and very bitter if he doesn’t get enough of it. He directs most of his anger at anyone who he perceives as taking you away from him. He will lie and manipulate others away from you both during this time with zero hesitation or regret. Would be possessive if you gave too much attention to a book while he’s in heat.

Who needs the most support:

1.     Alois – I headcanon that Alois has some specific heat related trauma, that I’m not going to get into right now, that impacts him greatly. His alpha is his protection. He only feels safe during his heat if you’re there with him. If you leave him alone, even just for a minute, he will panic, fear mixing with his already heat addled brain. For that reason, he needs a great deal of support, he needs a gentle touch and a constant presence.

2.     Shouto – His father paid to have him on illegal grade suppressant without him knowing just after Shouto’s quirk came in. Endeavour got the quirk he wanted, but not the dynamic he wanted, so he tried to change that. He experiences similar heats to Neji when he first comes off of suppressants. He’s so sensitive everywhere that it hurts. He wants to be touched so badly, but it hurts him. His alpha needs to work with him slowly to help him overcome the sensitivity.

3.     Neji – I mentioned before that due to the suppressant abuse that was inflicted on Neji as a child, his heats can be very painful, especially at first, much like Shouto. For a more in-depth analysis, I have headcanons on Neji’s suppressant abuse listed on my pinned masterlist.

4.     Keigo (Hawks) – He suffers from really bad paranoia during his heats. At first, it’s unclear what’s triggering the paranoia, but eventually it becomes clear that his treatment in the hands of the Commission have left him some nasty mental scars. When Keigo is in heat, he needs to have the door locked and bolted, the windows lock and covered with thick curtains and blinds, he needs to be rid of all technology or anything a person could use to contact him, and he needs all supplies to be in his nest with him so that neither you nor him have to leave that one room. It’s why the room he nests in must have an ensuite. He tends to have soft heats (emotionally charge rather than sexually charged) because his paranoia makes his body think he’s in too much danger to have a proper heat. It’s lucky that his heats normally only last for a day.

 (N-sfw under cut~)

Who is the horniest:

1.     Sebastian – He barely manages to keep it together during the day when he has to serve Ciel, but at night? You better be fucking him so well that he can’t stay coherent. He needs a full eight hours of sex before the heat withdraws enough for him to focus. A demon’s heat is very intensive after all.

2.     Kakashi – Every little thing sets him off when he’s in heat. Maybe you knotted him and the heat is subsiding a little, but then you bit your lip or stretch in a certain way, and immediately he’s consumed by his heat again. He struggles to keep it in his trousers long enough to hydrate and sleep. Sometimes he needs to cockwarm his alpha just to be able to calm his instincts enough to sleep.

3.     Tamaki A – He gets so horny at the peaks of his heat that any and all nervousness completely vanishes. He will beg his alpha shamelessly to get what he needs. He cannot control his voice at all, so you better hope your neighbours are forgiving, because Amajiki shouts some filthy things when he feels really good.

4.     Asmo – No one is surprised that he is completely and overwhelmingly horny for his entire heat. Most omegas have down moments for resting and hydrating while their heat isn’t so bad. Not Asmo. His heat lasts for three days (a maximum amount) and is intense for all of it. You have to make him to eat and drink something while he begs and writhes on your lap for you to fuck him.

5.     Kiba – Has a very high sex drive in general, even when he’s not in heat, so it’s no surprise that he’s basically insatiable when he’s in heat. He jumps his alpha five times a day when he’s in preheat, and every hour when he’s in heat. If you can’t provide for him as often as he needs, he will absolutely buy a knotted dildo and use it while he’s on top of you. Most of the time that convinces his alpha to help him get off.

#heat #abo #omegaverse #alpha!reader #alpha!mc #gn!alpha #n-sfw #reader insert #x reader #kiba #asmo #omega tamaki #omega kakashi #sebastian #naruto #obey me #bnha #black butler #hawks #keigo #neji #shouto #todoroki #alois #light #kusuo #saiki #diavolo #belphie #shinsou

[queenshelby]

My Friend’s Father (Part Five)

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Age Gap, Mild Sexual References

Words: 1,848

Notes:

I have decided to make this into a series.

Alright, no judgment. This was a dream of mine and I felt like I had to write it down. Everyone in this Fic is over the age of 18 and this Fic is in no way based on Cillian’s real family life. It’s pure filth.

 *************************

YOUR POV

Two weeks had passed since you visited your friend Denise in Dublin and it was time for the annual Galway Arts Festival.

Denise had been working on a photography project for the past year and had been nominated for a student award in Galway as part of which ten of her photographs were being displayed during the Arts Festival.

Whilst, as you had expected, Cillian didn’t contact you, you knew that he would be there to support his daughter. Being an artist himself, he was very proud of her and her work and he supported her projects not only mentally but also financially with the caveat that she would finish her degree at Trinity College.

Unlike him, he didn’t want her to drop out of university even though she hated it and you certainly understood his reasoning.

Contrary to Denise, you had no creative bone in your body. You enjoyed art and theatre, but weren’t an artist or performer yourself. Instead, you were an A Grade Law Student who had become rather bored in Galway and had recently applied for a scholarship to Oxford University.

Reading was your passion and you had always been known as a geek. In school, you were the girl that no one liked, nerdy, not interested in fashion or social media and wearing braces, which, luckily, had been removed three years ago.

You were shy and it was only for Denise that you came out of your shell. She was popular in school, mostly due to her name, but also because she was generally confident and, over the years, she helped you gain confidence especially after you had left high school.

But, today, you knew you would be questioning your gained confidence once again since, first of all, you would be seeing Cillian again and the truth was that you couldn’t stop thinking about him in an intimate way and, secondly, you were featured completely naked on some of Denise’s photographs.

Whilst the photographs were artistic and not sexual in any way and your most intimate part wasn’t visible on them, it bothered you knowing that people you disliked would see you so vulnerable and you couldn’t remember why you had agreed to being photographed like that.

The other woman who Denise chose to photograph was Amalie. She was 23 and had been Denise’s friend for a while as well but, unlike you, she began modelling professionally when she was just 16. You all went to the same private school together and, clearly, her lifestyle had been largely financed by her parents. She always wore expensive clothes and had no interest in pursuing a career other than modelling, which barely sustained her lifestyle considering the few small jobs she got.

***

Just as you served your last cup of coffee to an elderly lady sitting in the corner of the café you were working at, you saw Denise, Amalie and two other friends of Denise walk in.

‘Hey guys, take a seat. I will be right with you. I am just about to finish my shift’ you said as you hung up your apron.

‘Please tell me you will get changed before the Gallery opening tonight?’ Amalie asked somewhat weirdly and you couldn’t help but roll your eyes as you sat down at the table with her, Denise and the others before ordering some coffees for yourselves.

‘No, I thought I would go like this’ you said sarcastically, looking down at your coffee-stained clothes.

‘I bought a dress for tonight’ you then said, after Amalie didn’t seem to sense your sarcasm.

‘Right’ she then said as she flicked through Instagram and you simply looked at Denise who shrug her shoulders.

‘What are you looking for?’ you asked curiously as her eyes seemed to be glued to her phone.

‘She is looking to find more photos of my dad and Laura Jennings’ Denise said, rolling her eyes.

‘Laura Jennings, as in the actress?’ you asked, causing Amalie to nod.

‘Yes, apparently they have been dating’ Amalie then confirmed, causing you to swallow harshly. You knew that you shouldn’t care but you couldn’t help it. Knowing that Cillian was seeing someone made you feel ill.  

‘And you care about that why?’ you then asked Amalie after an uncomfortable shiver ran down your spine.

‘Apparently, just like you, Amalie thinks my dad is a DILF’ Denise huffed out before telling you how disgusting you all were.

‘Well, he is though…he is super hot’ Amalie then joked before carrying on. ‘And I don’t understand how you don’t know about Laura Jennings and whether this is true or not. You need to find out’ Amalie then said but Denise simply shook her head.

‘My father doesn’t share this sort of stuff with me and I certainly don’t want to know about his sex life, thank you very much. In so far as I am concerned, he doesn’t have sex, ever…yuck! Also, I would appreciate if you could not talk about my dad anymore, please. It grosses me out’ Denise said and you knew that, all of this had become a common occurrence ever since the day the first episode of Peaky Blinders aired on BBC, a show which Denise refuses to watch herself because of the heavy sexual content and a show which you, only a week ago, had begun to binge watch.

Cillian’s POV

When Cillian walked into the basement after you had left, he immediately saw the small folded up note you had left him but, reading it, made him somewhat uncomfortable.

He was torn about what to do with it and certainly knew that he should ignore it. He couldn’t see you again even if he wanted to.

The fact that you were 23 years younger than him and that you were his daughter’s best friend made it all wrong and highly inappropriate and he didn’t know what had gotten into him in the first place when he gave into you.

He had never felt attracted towards you in any sort of way until that last visit which was the first time had seen you since you and your family had moved away.

You changed in many ways and he wasn’t sure what it was that he liked about you. But what he knew was that it was more than just sexual attraction, which was usually something he knew how to supress.

With that in mind, he placed your note into his wallet and decided to ignore it for now. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to throw it out.

***

With his bags packed it was time for him to return to Manchester and resume filming of the final season of Peaky Blinders.

The first week of filming went well and Cillian decided to spend the weekend with his friend, fellow actress Laura Jennings. Cillian and her had developed a friend with benefits sort of relationship. No strings attached and no feelings involved. After his divorce from Denise’s mother, he wasn’t ready for anything else and Laura would certainly not have been the type of woman he would have wanted a relationship with in the first place.

Unlike him, she wasn’t press shy and, whilst they kept their arrangement a secret as best as they could, she was otherwise quite active on social media.

Cillian, on the other hand, only maintained a private Instagram account with the sole purpose of being able to check on his children. Whilst they were adults, he was still worried about them, especially Denise who had recently gotten herself in a lot of trouble after distancing herself from this Jeremy boy.

***

‘Another wine?’ Laura asked as Cillian was relaxing on top of the doonas, wearing nothing but his black Calvin Klein briefs, after they had spent the last hour doing exactly what friends with benefits would do after not having seen each other for over two weeks due to busy filming schedules.

‘Yes please…thanks’ he responded as he reached for his phone after a notification had popped up.

It was his daughter Denise who had posted on Instagram and, since she hadn’t posted for a while, he decided to check it out, hoping that she wasn’t with Jeremy again.

To his surprise, three new pictures of Denise and her friends showed up when he opened the APP and, one of them, there was you.

In the picture, you were wearing accompanied by a man in his late twenties, wearing a suit while you were wearing a dark blue dress and he couldn’t help but wonder who the man by your side was.

You looked simply stunning, with your hair long and open and your shoulders exposed. You were wearing only a little bit of make up and showed your beautiful smile.  

‘There you go Mr Murphy’ Laura then said as she returned to the bedroom with another glass of wine, pulling Cillian’s phone out of his hand and climbing on top of him.

‘Round Two?’ she then asked eagerly as she reached for another condom, but Cillian’s thoughts were elsewhere entirely.

‘Maybe tomorrow, I am tired. It has been a long week, sorry’ he explained, causing Laura to pout with disappointment.

But the second round never eventuated as Cillian left Laura’s house the following morning to drive back to Manchester to resume filming.

On his way back to Manchester, he called his daughter Denise to check on her and while he did, he enquired about your companion on the Instagram posts.

‘Why do you want to know?’ Denise asked somewhat confused but Cillian played it cool.

‘He looks familiar, that’s all. Didn’t he go to your school?’ he then asked, playing dumb.

‘Oh god no, he is 29. His name is Connor and he is an accountant. Y/N wouldn’t date anyone our age. You know she isn’t a normal 21-year-old’ Denise joked, referring to your nerdiness and intellect.

‘Apparently not’ Cillian chuckled before asking another question about the stranger on the picture. ‘So, they are dating?’ he asked.

‘I think they went on two or three dates or something. Why do you care?’ Denise asked.

‘No reason. I was just wondering’ Cillian confirmed before changing the topic.

   Tag List:

@lilymurphy03@deefigs @theflamecrystal @desperate-and-broken @weepingstudentfishhorse @livinginfantaxy @rosey1981 @atomicsoulcollecto @peakyboyslover @nerdy4itall@elenavampire21 @hanster1998@mariapaiva13 @fairypitou @harry-is-your-sunflower @zozeebo @lauren-raines-x @kasaikawa @littlewierdalien @sad-huffle-nerd @theflamecrystal @peakymalfoyscullymulder @themissthang@0ghostwriter0 @stylescanbeatmyback @1-800-peakyblinders @datewithgianni @momoneymolife @ntmynouis @lilymurphy03 @mcntsee@cloudofdisney@missymurphy1985 @peakymalfoyscullymulder @otterly-fey @janelongxox @uchihacumdump @basiclassy @being-worthy @chaotic-bean-of-smolness @margoo0 @chocolatehalo @vhscillian @ysmmsy @littlewierdalien @crazymar15  @stickyknightflowerbailiff @im-constantly-fangirling @goldensunflowe-r  @tellingyouastory  @captivatedbycillianmurphy​  @namelesslosers​  @littlewhiterose​  @ttzamara​  @ttzamara @cilleveryone  ​

@peaky-cillian​

@severewobblerlightdragon​  @ysmmsy​  

#cillian murphy smut #Cillian Murphy x Reader #cillian murphy #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x you

[lavenderwhore444]

Ok so we all love pervert shigaraki ( Ik u do so please don’t lie to ur self love 😀) anyways what if shigaraki had a huge crush on the reader and steals there panties ( when there out in a mission working there ass off) but the reader notices and placed cameras in her room just to see who’s stealing them surprise surprise it’s ya boy shiggy and the reader finds it kind of cute that he’s that desperate but is also upsetting because there working and he’s here getting off on her stuff so.the reader catch’s him in the act and shows him the videos ( shigaraki at this point is crying from embarrassment and he’s begging for the reader to delete the videos) as a punishment the reader pegs the shit out of him and the ending is fluff since I do love shiggy

First of all English isn’t my first language so apologizes for any mistakes and for the ending please work ur magic sis 

💍🧎🏻‍♀️marry me this is so good

COMMISSIONS

If you want to use interactive fics, it's easy and makes reading fics SO much better. First, you download the Google Chrome extension. You'll see it in the top right corner of your screen. Next, you enter your name in the first box. If you want to change something other than y/n, please click on the text that says “want to change something other than y/n?” here, you can change any word you want to a different word. When I talk about your quirk I will use y/q

Warnings: smut (obvi) shigaraki is a perv degradation a little I think #peg shiggy 2021 fingering for Shig 😌 humiliation??? Idk what to put man request says it all

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🌸 I have an irl on here rn because we both simp for crusty men, and she’s probably lowkey scared of me. I was drunk on having social interaction for the first time forever and was like, “omg, I write for them. I have Tumblr 🤪” Listen, I told you I would do anything for him, and I fucking meant it, ok? And he’s a little pervert, so they're kinda gross (indirectly making me have gross kinks too ig ☹️) Plus, I warned you about his piss kink, that should've been a good indicator to the rest of these 🙄 , Anyways anon has sent me THE BEST SCENARIOS OMG. I have read a lot of Shigaraki fics, BUT THESE ARE SO ORIGINAL IM SO HAPPY. There's one, in particular, I'm excited to write because it's just so cute, omg. 🌸

It was the fifth time this week. You were out on another mission, and Tomura was half-naked in your room on the verge of passing out from how many times he had cum into various articles of your clothing. It started off as just your panties. Perverted but not insane. As time went on, it only got worse. The panties weren’t good enough. He started putting one of your shirts over his face as he got off, and that worked...for a while. His next fix was to steal some of your perfume, but it wasn't good enough.

He felt disgusting the first time he got off in your room. He felt like he'd crossed a line (not that he hadn’t already), but it was the best orgasm of his life. What's done is done, so he might as well take advantage of the rest of your room. He was pretty comfortable now, face pressed into your pillow, inhaling your scent as his body spasmed for the last time. He was utterly spent.

And now, for the worst part, being in your room surrounded by your stuff, smelling your perfume, but still being all alone. It wasn't like Shigaraki had a crush on you or anything. Him having a crush on y/n? Unheard of. The rest of the girls in the league were like family to him. You two just weren't there yet, even though it had been five months, and he blushes whenever you talk to him. So what if he wants to punch Dabi whenever he looks at you? He wasn't in love with you. God damn it, he was just horny. That was it. That was the extent of his feelings, and they would go away.

They didn't go away, but more of your stuff sure did. It was becoming more common for clothing in your room to go missing only to end up clean and folded in the proper drawer. It was weird, but someone was doing most of your laundry for you. It wasn't Dabi taking your stuff. He could get his dick wet whenever he wanted. The other guys preached “don’t lewd y/n” and tried to fight Dabi when he put his hand on your thigh. Toga would steal your shirts but definitely not your underwear. If she did steal your clothing, she’d post a mirror pic and tag you in it.

So that left your boss. Tomura Shigaraki. You thought he hated you. He got all quiet and distant when you talked to him. Was he nervous? He glared at you and Dabi. Or was it just Dabi? Maybe the little creep did like you. He was kinda cute. His messy hair looked so soft, his eyes lit up when he won his games, Shigaraki had this little smile when he was watching the league sit together, and he had discarded father almost completely. But he was a creep, and you definitely didn't have a crush on him. Definitely not.

But part of you didn't want to tell him to stop. It took a while to cook up a plan, but it was foolproof when you came up with one. You found stole the money to invest in some hidden cameras. By now, you were starting to accept that you might like him just a little. But in a sad puppy kind of way. You didn't actually have a crush on him. Nope, not at all.

And it was kind of mean that he was making you do all this work while he got to jerk off in your bed. You'd come back with cuts, scrapes, bruises, and even a broken bone one time, just for him to totally ignore you. He had spent all day ruining your clothes and wouldn't even look at you.

Your behavior had changed towards Tomura, though, and he had definitely noticed. You were acting the same way he was. You were always blushing when you talked to him. You sat next to him while he played games, but it's "just because you're bored." Maybe you were starting to like him back. He had come to terms with his not-so-little crush on you. This didn't stop him from acting like a perv but still.

The cameras had been up for a while, and honestly, watching those videos back was way better than watching porn. Shigaraki looked so sweet and desperate. The way he laid in your bed afterward, holding your pillow, made your heartache for him. He just looked so lonely. You decided it was time to confront him.

"I'm going out for a couple days, guys!" you called, walking out with a backpack on your shoulder.

"I'll miss you, dollface," Dabi called back, blowing a kiss as you laughed at him.

The glare Shigaraki gave him could have dusted him right then and there. You stayed at a cheap motel for a while, watching the cameras. It was pretty nice to finally have some quiet. It didn't take long for Shigaraki to wander into your room with a raging hard-on. You took your time getting home, knowing he'd be there for at least a few hours. You glanced at your phone once in a while, catching two of Shigaraki’s orgasms. You’d hear a strangled cry and see his mouth wide open, eyes squeezed shut, and back arching. He’d coat his chest and your underwear in hot cum. You started to walk faster. Most of the league was asleep as you used your levitation quirk to float silently up the stairs. You opened the door.

“Who knew you were such a perv, Shiggy. All this time, I thought you hated me, but it looks like someone has a little crush on me, ” you said sweetly.

He looked like a deer in headlights, eyes wide as his body froze. A soft whimper left him as his face turned an angry shade of red that matched the head of his cock.

“N-no please, I'm sorry y/n I-i just didn't um ill leave. I'm so sorry, ” he muttered.

He got up, but you pushed him back on the bed.

“Not yet, Shiggy. I have something to show you, ” you said in a singsong voice.

You sat next to him, slinging your left arm around his shoulders. You pulled up the live feed.

“Aww, look at how cute we look right now, Shig, ” you teased.

His face told you that he was terrified.

“Y-you didn’t, ” he tried to fool himself.

“Oh, I did, ” you whispered in his ear.

You heard him sniffle. You slid the bar at the bottom of the screen back to show him what he was doing mere minutes ago.

“No, you can't, ” he choked as tears fell from his eyes, “please don’t show anyone y/n. Please I c-cant. I'm sorry, just don’t show anyone, ” he sobbed, “please don't. I’ll never talk to you again if you want I’ll do anything just don't show anyone, ” he cried.

“Anything?” you questioned.

“Anything, ” he nodded, still crying.

“Well, first of all, ” you said, “you can start by taking me out on a date, ”

He nearly choked as his eyes widened.

“What?” he whispered, wiping his eyes and nose.

“I said that you’re going to take me out on a date, and please use a tissue, ” you said.

He nodded and cleaned up his face the rest of the way.

“And second, you can take off your shirt and bend over the bed with your legs spread, ” you whispered in his ear, pressing a kiss just below it.

He looked confused for a second until his eyes widened, and he did as he was told.

“Now, don't play dumb with me. I know you’ll like this. I've seen you try and finger yourself before, but you did a shit job, and I promise this will be even better, ” you smiled, ruffling Tomura's hair.

He was getting more comfortable with you now, giving a nervous smile and humming when you touched his hair.

You walked back with everything you needed, only to sigh disappointedly, “oh Shiggy, that's not nearly wide enough. I know you can do better than that. Spread your legs more,”

He nodded, eager to please, and nearly did the splits. You giggled and smacked his butt. He jumped, causing you to laugh again.

“You’re so precious. It's a real shame I'm about to turn you into a slutty mess, ” you cooed.

He felt two slimy fingers press against his hole, and he shuddered. He tried to relax and let you press into him. It didn't take very long to get him moaning, bucking against your fingers. Two became three, and three became four before you decided he was ready. You were looking forward to eating him out, but this was supposed to be a punishment. You lined him up, rubbing the head against his hole that was still clenching around nothing. You pushed the entire thing inside of him as he screamed.

You scoffed, “do you know how many people you just woke up? Do you want the whole league to know you're getting pegged as punishment for being a disgusting, perverted slut? You want them to know that I'm fucking your ass? Huh? Do you? Cause I'll bend you over the fucking bar and show them who you submit to, ”

You started thrusting at a brutal pace. Tomura pushed his face into the pillow only for you to levitate him so he couldn't do anything to stop all the sounds coming out of his mouth. You were looking forward to all the looks you'd get as you smirked, and he struggled to sit next to you. You managed to go even harder.

“You’re not sitting or walking this week, Shiggy, ” you cooed.

“No, ” he choked out, “n-no call me Tomura p-please, ” he moaned.

“Tomura, ” you whispered in his ear, “pretty name for a pretty boy, ”

You reached around and twisted his nipple, causing him to cry out. Tomura only got louder as you reached around and grabbed his balls another hand-squeezed his tip between two fingers and pinched gently before jerking him instead. He was losing it now, tongue hanging out, and eyes rolled back. Little screams were ripped from him, and he jerked around.

“Y/n ‘m gonna, ‘m gonna cum, ” Tomura slurred.

“You gonna cum for me, Tomu? Go on, do it, ” you encouraged.

He cried out, his body going rigid as he shot cum out of his cock. He was gasping and panting as you let him flop down on the bed and pulled out.

“C-can you help me back to my room, ” he whispered, looking sad.

“No, ” you said as he frowned, eyes watering again, “because you're staying with me tonight. Get in bed, ”

He blushed and crawled into the corner. You yanked him closer, taking over as the big spoon.

“Goodnight, Tomura, ” you said. Kissing his back and shoulders, you rubbed his stomach and chest, “you're so pretty, baby. I forgive you. It’s obvious you’ve never had a crush on a girl before, and I think you learned your lesson, ” you said, rubbing his sore ass.

He nodded, “I'm sorry, I just didn't know what to do, ” he mumbled.

“I know, sweetie, ” you whispered, “I know. Was what we did ok? Did you like it?”

He nodded, “I liked it, ” he whispered.

“Do you need anything, ” you asked.

He shook his head, “just tired, ”

“Alright, baby, just get some sleep, love, ” you said.

He nodded as you both found an absurd amount of comfort in being so close to each other. You slept like a baby. You woke up to him gazing at you lovingly, pushing a piece of hair behind your ear.

He kissed your forehead, “I hope you know you're never getting rid of me, ” he smiled.

He kissed you, “y’know I'm kind of disappointed you didn't kiss me last night, ” he pouted.

“Mmm, I was too busy fucking you, sorry sweetie, ” you said, kissing him again.

“You enjoyed your ‘punishment’ a little too much, but having to go downstairs should be punishment enough, ” you grinned.

He groaned, “please don't make me. Let me stay in my room forever y/n, ”

“No, can do Tomu, you need breakfast, ” you said.

You walked downstairs, sitting at the bar and eating your breakfast. No one else was up yet, or so you thought until you heard footsteps coming down the stairs.

“You're not dead?” Dabi asked, completely dumbfounded.

“No dumbfuck, I'm not dead. Why the hell would I be dead?” he snapped.

“I dunno maybe cause you were screaming from y/n’s room all nigh- oh no. Oh god I think I'm gonna be sick, ” he fake gagged.

All you did was laugh at him.

“You two are disgusting, y’know that?” he said.

“We know, ” you smiled eating the rest of your breakfast.

#tomura fluff #tomura smut #tenko smut #tomura x reader #mha tomura #tomura imagine #shigaraki tenko #tomura shiragaki #tomurashigaraki #shigaraki tomura #shigaraki fluff #shigaraki smut #mha shigaraki #shigaraki x reader #mha shiggy #shiggy #shigaraki is a perv #sorry it's true #peg shigaraki 2021 #Pegshigaraki2021

[therenlover]

Therenlover’s Official Fanfic Glossary!

Hey hey hey! This is the place where you can find all my up-to-date fanfics linked nicely, read about what projects I have upcoming, and learn what requests I’m taking at the moment! Cheers!

This post is massive so, for the sake of your dash, everything is under the cut

A NOTE ABOUT REQUESTS!

I will do my best to fulfill any requests I get while my ask box/requests are open! That being said, I cannot promise every request will get done, and that if they do, they’ll be done in a timely manner. I’m currently working on a long-form project that needs a lot of time and energy to come out consistently, so unless I’m doing a writing event most of my writing juice will be focused on that. That being said, if you want something ask! The worst I can possibly do is direct you towards someone else who might be able to write what you want if I cant.

If I choose not to do your request based on personal preference (it makes me uncomfy/I don’t write for the character at that time/I don’t feel I can write what you want/etc.) I will do my best to contact you and let you know! That being said, if you think your ask got buried/forgotten, feel free to message me again and let me know, but please tell me when you message me if I should be looking for a prior request.

Characters/Fandoms I will write for currently

 💙 = I’m Currently Super Inspired To Write For This Character

Marvel/X-Men

Bucky Barnes

Loki

Peter Maximoff 💙

Pietro Maximoff

Helmut Zemo 💙

Hank McCoy

Ralph Bohner 💙

Vision

American Horror Story

Tate Langdon

Kit Walker 💙

Kyle Spencer (Pre- and Post- Death)

Jimmy Darling 💙

James Patrick March 💙

Kai Anderson

Fallout 4

Nick Valentine

Hancock

Star Wars

Poe Dameron

Armitage Hux 💙

Kylo Ren/Ben Solo

Finn

Han Solo

Assorted/Random

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne - FGO

Cu Chulainn/Cu Alter - FGO

Warren Lipka - American Animals 💙

Enjolras - Les Miserables

Grantaire - Les Miserables

Gabriel - Supernatural

Imagines - REQUESTS CLOSED

Songs From Musicals Y/N Would Sing To The Evans

Characters: Tate Langdon, Kit Walker, Kyle Spencer, Jimmy Darling, James Patrick March, Kai Anderson, Peter Maximoff

Rating: T

How The Evans (+ Quicksilver) Would React To Yoplait’s New Gushers Yogurt

Characters: Tate Langdon, Kit Walker, Kyle Spencer, Jimmy Darling, James Patrick March, Rory Monahan, Kai Anderson, Peter Maximoff

Rating: T

Would The Danny Bunch Survive A Holiday With My Family?

Characters: Laszlo Kreizler, Alex Kerner, Niki Lauda, Andrea Marowski, Ernst Schmidt, Helmut Zemo

Rating: T

Headcanons - REQUESTS CLOSED

Modern! AU Armitage Hux Boyfriend Headcanons

Zemo With A Well Dress S/O Headcanons

Zemo Getting Jealous Headcanons

Oneshots - REQUESTS CLOSED

Marvel/X-Men

Helmut Zemo

One Last Night In Madripoor

Synopsis: Baron Helmut Zemo is a lonely, wanted man looking for some fun, you’re a piss-poor bounty hunter in search of a connection before leaving your life of crime behind, and fate has brought you together at a party the likes of which has never been seen before. You only have one night left in Madripoor, so why not take a chance?

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 4200~

Still Some Catching Up To Do

Synopsis: As a member of the criminal underworld, people walk out of your life all the time. Some are killed, others kill themselves, most get caught and only a couple get out of the life unscathed, disappearing into the world never to be seen again. Very few walk back in. So when your supposedly incarcerated ex-lover, the Winter Soldier, and the Falcon waltzed through your door and made you murder your boss, needless to say, you were surprised and more than a little bit pissed.

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 6800~

Nine Years Starved

Synopsis: It had been a little over nine years since Helmut Zemo lost his family, his country, and his sanity. Nine years since his last kiss. Nine years since he felt like a human man. Finally, he was ready to start over again, but first, he had to pay his penance back where it all began; Novi Grad. That’s when, by the grace of the fates, he met you.

Rating: G

Word Count: 7000~

Daddy Dearest

Synopsis: Not everyone gets lucky enough to go from being a broke college student in New York to being the sugar baby to literal royalty, but not everyone is you. Most people would be worried about messing things up or losing him to someone else, but you knew he would never find another baby just like you. Besides, you knew exactly what to do to keep him wrapped around your little finger. He may have been the daddy, but you pulled the reins.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 8000~

In Fleeting Touches & Airy Sighs

Part One   Part Two   Part Three   Part Four

Synopsis: As a wanted man, Helmut Zemo spends most of his time jumping from place to place in the hopes of avoiding a trip back to prison. Unfortunately, that means he can’t always be home in your arms. When he is, though, in the rare moments of calm, you’re reminded of just how worth it it’s been to wait, even if that wait was only shortened by the arrival of your enemies.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 35,700~

Two Bodies In The Rain

Synopsis: It was raining the day you finally had to admit your feelings to Helmut. You hated to tell him the way you did, under the grey skies as your blood pooled below you, but at least you knew, in the end, he had seen the real you, even just once. That was enough.

Rating: T

Word Count: 5600~

Rest

Synopsis: Living life on the lam with your escaped super-villain lover means things rarely slow down enough for a real rest. When the exhaustion starts to take its toll on you, though, he knows exactly what to do to ease the pain. He may not be a good man, but he’s a good husband when it counts.

Rating: T

Word Count: 3200~

American Horror Story

Jimmy Darling

Red Nights In Jupiter

Synopsis: At the end of another long day, you fall into bed with Jimmy Darling. The men you served throughout the day don’t matter then, nor do the coins in the mason jar by the door, or the women scheduled to attend Jimmy’s next Tupperware party. No, in that quiet darkness it’s just you and the man you love, bone-tired and happy to be home. Who could ask for more?

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 3000~

James Patrick March

Heartsick

Synopsis: When you fall ill, James is given a forceful awakening about how he’s been neglecting your needs and what he must do to prevent harm from befalling you again.

Rating: 16+

Word Count: 3700~

In Sickness And In Health

Synopsis: Normally people don’t have their wedding and funeral on the same day, but you and James don’t quite have a normal relationship, do you? Besides, you wouldn’t wanna go any other way.

Rating: 18+

Word Count: 5500~

Fallout 4

Currently Empty

Star Wars

Currently Empty

Assorted/Random

Currently Empty

Long Form Works/Series

Young Artist!Zemo AU

Chapter One: The Boy With The Easel

Synopsis: About a month into your first semester at Novi Grad’s top university, you finally meet the strange young man that you’ve taken to calling “easel boy” in the back of a bookshop. From a distance, he always seemed cold and aloof. As you get to know him, though, you realize things aren’t always what they seem.

Rating: T

Word Count: 7000~

Till Forever Falls Apart (A Peter Maximoff/Reader Series)

Chapter One: Welcome Home

Synopsis: As if getting thrown through the multiverse, trapped in an attic (albeit a cool one), mind-controlled to manipulate his grieving sister, and subsequently dragged out of Westview “for his own safety” by the FBI wasn’t enough, Peter Maximoff has now been shipped off to New York to live with a glorified baby sitter like some tragic orphan in a comic book until they find a way to get him back home. Things are not always as they seem, though, and this change might just be for the better.

Rating: T

Word Count: 2400~

Chapter Two: The Doctor Is In

Synopsis: Peter’s first few days in his new home are mostly uneventful, so he decides it’s the perfect time to dust off his running goggles and steal some shit. The building with the massive circular stained glass window seems like a great place to start! People with buildings that lavish are usually rich and weak, so what could possibly go wrong?

Rating: T

Word Count: 2800~

Chapter Three: It’s Always Been You

Synopsis: After a month of adapting to his new universe, Peter Maximoff can confidently say that he likes his new life more than his old one. Sure, he misses home sometimes, but he’s been far too busy flirting with his new roommate to spend time crying over the things he’s lost. Everything is smooth sailing until a strange journal in his roommate’s study leaves him with more questions than he knows what to do with. Now he’s on a mission to discover who he’s really living with before she has the chance to turn against him.

Rating: T

Word Count: 8600~

Chapter Four: Before You Go

Synopsis: Peter, after days of contemplation, has realized that part of him loves Y/N no matter what she is or what she’s been through. Unfortunately, he can’t find her anywhere. When she finally returns home with the intention of leaving again, Peter realizes it’s his last chance to tell her how he really feels. Will he succeed, or will he fail to be fast enough once again?

Rating: T

Word Count: 4000~

Chapter Four And A Half: Gimme Swayze

Synopsis: Now that the issue of Y/N leaving is out of the way, and Peter has finally kissed her, he falls into the motions of learning how to love someone for the first time. It’s easier than he thought it would be.

Rating: T

Word Count; 2600~

Cakes For The Evans: A Blogging And Baking Adventure!

Kai Anderson’s Disaster Cake

Hey you! If you’ve made it this far down the list, thanks for supporting me as an author! I’ll be linking my AO3 here. I post everything there shortly before I post it here, and there are some older fics there you might enjoy along the way! It’s also easier to drop comments over there and I keep them open for non-members, so give me a shout if you liked what I wrote!

I love you all, you make me so happy, and without you support I would never be motivated to write! Cheers!

#marvel #fanfiction #x reader #bucky barnes x reader #loki x reader #peter maximoff x reader #pietro maximoff x reader #quicksilver x reader #ralph bohner x reader #helmut zemo x reader #baron zemo x reader #zemo x reader #hank mccoy x reader #vision x reader #tate langdon x reader #kit walker x reader #kyle spencer x reader #jimmy darling x reader #james march x reader #james patrick march x reader #kai anderson x reader #nick valentine x reader #hancock x reader #poe dameron x reader #armitage hux x reader #general hux x reader #kylo ren x reader #ben solo x reader #han solo x reader #finn x reader

[lubdubsworld]

Blackberry Winters.

Part 1

Namjoon Werewolf Au !

Alpha werewolf!

Heavy angst.! Pregnancy, unrequited love, hate to love, prejudice, mental health issues.

-------------------------------

There is a tide in the affairs of men, which , taken at the flood leads on to fortune. Opportunities had to be seized and made use of and you had to be bold and confident in order to lead your people to fortune.

Namjoon, as the head alpha of the Kim clan, knew this better than anyone else. Which was why he was here, in a meeting with alphas from the three neighbouring clans lining his boundary lines, hoping to get permission to access the seven or so aquifers that lay to the east of the packhouse.

The rains had been kind to them, the reservoirs were full but he wanted to make sure they had a backup plan just in case things went south in some way. His father had taught him that. Being prepared for the worst was second nature to him now. The land around the aquifers was rich and fertile and Jungkook had already let him plant tangerines and apples in the area for the little ones. The harvest was generally shared between the two clans and Namjoon was grateful for the easy camaraderie that the alpha of the land offered him.

The land belonged to alpha Jeon , a dear friend by all means and he knew that Jungkook would grant him permission as he always did . But still it was never a certainty. The council members had the final say and many of them held a grudge when he refused to marry Jungkook's sister last spring. That had been a no brainer for him. Junghee was beautiful but also like a sister to him, besides being incredibly intelligent. He didn't need a wife like that. And that was why he had picked, Jiah.

Sighing, Namjoon glanced back at the campsite where the women were gathered, sitting in small groups and laughing around a blazing fire while a few alphas hung about roasting meat and passing out moats of wine around . His eyes fell on his wife, timid and shy , sitting away from the rest and regret churned. He had been impulsive. She was ill suited to be his wife , and the last three months had been a bitter wake up call. Namjoon was well read, eloquent and bold. His wife was barely illiterate, with a stutter and shifty eyes that never met anyone's gaze head on.

He had chosen her because she had seemed docile and pliant and while she was definitely that, she was also ....at the risk of sounding rude and unkind, very very boring.

A simpleton. She seemed to know nothing about anything, content to disappear into the shadows, to hide and hang back and practically become one with the upholstery when he asked her to sit next to him.

It had been three months and they had barely spoken beyond a dozen words. It was awkward and stilted and just plain uncomfortable, sleeping with her. Sex was supposed to fun and passionate and filled with excitement and desire but with her , it was a chore he couldn't wait to cross off his list.

Leaning back against one of the poles holding up the makeshift tent, he watched her as she scooted away from one of the older omegas in the Jeon clan, the lady looking startled at the reaction. He shook his head in despair. He hadn't even wanted to bring her along but his mother had insisted. Something about her being young and innocent, too shy to stay behind with strangers for two whole weeks while he traveled to the Jeon's .

How was he supposed to explain that they were strangers as well ? That despite the label of mates, despite the fact that he had been the one to choose her, he felt nothing for her? Not even the idle curiosity one felt for strangers?

It was partly her demeanour, but mostly her appearance. She wasn't well groomed and it always made him frown. He had hoped that she would at least keep herself presentable, maybe hire the weavers to make her a few new tunics .

Something colorful and patterned like the ones the other omegas wore during festivities. The Kim clan had a lucrative fabric trade with the Min pack , and Yoongi and Hoseok always kept the most luxurious and vibrant silks and fabrics for him.

Jiah had shown a brief and fleeting interest in the luxurious threads, when his mother had brought her along to the tailor to get her wedding trousseau done....but the moment the young beta had asked her questions about her likes and dislikes, she had recoiled and went back into her shell. Namjoon had watched the whole scene, annoyance growing with every passing second. He wanted her to be pliant but also independent. Low maintenance . But apparently he would have to hold her hand through everything.

And that's when he'd begun to actively distance himself from his wife. He didn't have the time nor inclination to help her navigate her new life. He was busy, what with autumn coming to an end and the first chills of winter already beginning to permeate the air. The betas and alphas in the pack were already occupied with hunting enough meat to last them the winter, the women busy with curing the meat with spices and salt.....

He should have left her behind with them.

" A coin for your thoughts, Alpha Kim?"

Kim Jisoo came to stand by him, her scent of floral dust and vanilla cloyingly sweet on his senses. She had helped him with many a rut and he had always nurtured a sweet spot for the omega who was well versed in many languages. She was also one of the courtesans they had brought along for the evening entertainment. Jisoo slipped her hands through his arm and he smiled, letting her brush close to his torso.

His gaze went to his wife, who was staring at him, eyes blank and lips parted softly. She looked a little upset.

Which was understandable but still annoying. They weren't in love or anything and he wasn't cheating on her. Jisoo was a friend. He was allowed to have those. Jiah had no right to look at him with suspicion or with entitlement. He didn't owe her all her time. He wondered if she would react if he were to confront her now. As it is , he let himself stare right at her, half wishing that she would talk back to him.

But the moment their eyes met, Jiah looked away, entire body shifting as though in embarassment. He frowned , but lightly patted the soft fingers curled on his arm. He turned to Jisoo with a smile, taking in the pretty elfin features. The perfectly curled hair , threaded with gold and jeweler pins fell in soft ropes around her face, her lips tinted red and her cheeks brushed rose. She looked enchanting and unreal and he felt his blood stir in arousal, the need to feel her under him suddenly overwhelming.

He glanced back at Jiah and she looked a little green , her face ashen. His eyes narrowed when she shifted and looked around in a mild panic. Oh God, what was it now?

Irritable, he gently pulled away from the beautiful omega next to him.

" Excuse me, dear. I need to check on my wife." He said apologetically and she frowned staring at where he was looking.

"What's wrong?" Jisoo asked sharply but he ignored her, already moving to his mate.

Which was just as well, because the moment he reached her, her eyes rolled back and she toppled right into his arms.

She had fainted .

---------------------------------

" I'm sorry we had to cut this short but I hope your mate feels better soon, hyung." Jungkook's voice was laced with genuine concern and Namjoon nodded, hugging the younger alpha tight.

Junghee looked just as sympathetic, next to him.

" She'll be fine . I tried to get her to stay but she's been panicking a lot and refuses to let any of the healers here examine her. I think she'll be more comfortable with your pack healer. " She said gently.

Namjoon nodded, glancing back at Jiah who sat side-saddle on one of the smaller ponies, her eyes wide and face still ashen. He had tried to tell her it would be okay , but she had insisted on going home. The stark terror on her face had unsettled him deeply. He didn't know why she was so scared of the Jeon healer? Could it be because he was a man? Whatever the reason she hadn't let him examine her and because he couldn't ask her to just forget about the whole thing ( he was still head alpha , he still had to set an example as a caring mate. ) Namjoon had been forced to arrange for their return back home.

He had left Seokjin and Taehyung behind to carry the talks on his behalf, and Jisoo stood a few dozen feet away looking annoyed as he gave her

an apologetic smile.

The journey back to the Main village would be a couple of days and he had packed enough food for the both of them.

As he turned back to mount his stallion, he caught a glimpse of her face as she stared at him.

She looked lost , apologetic and clearly upset.

And he wondered if he would have to spend the rest of his life reading her face, trying to figure her out.

He has no interest in either.

-------------------------

The journey became incredibly tiring, especially when the skies opened up on them. Rain Lashed the ground , intent on soaking the earth and Namjoon watched her shiver, trembling as they all huddled beneath the shade of some trees, blankets wrapped tight around her thin torso. Why was she so thin? Why did she look at food like it was poisoned?

They were only a mile from home but had to stop, the deluge was far too strong for the animals to see ahead of them.

Namjoon himself sat next to an omega from the clan. He recognised her as one of the maids his mother had given to Jiah.

" Is your mistress doing well?" He asked gruffly and the omega startled, bowing twice in respect before answering.

"I...she ... She doesn't say much, alpha." The girl blushed under his gaze, looking away nervously and he frowned, glancing back at Jiah.

So it wasn't just him, then. She didn't trust anyone. He stared at her till she felt the heat of his gaze and looked up, eyes wide like a startled bird, like one of the starlings that nested in the wooden beams of his hut. She looked surprised, then terrified, eyes darting away at once and he tried not to growl in sheer frustration.

He wondered if it was because of his face.

Namjoon had no large feelings about his looks but he knew he was far from beautiful. ( A/N : A whole lie , I know but please bear with me for the story :*) it was one of the reasons he had wanted a plain looking bride. But perhaps his own chosen mate had , had dreams of marrying a very handsome man? Perhaps she had been infatuated with someone like that , from the clan?

It wasn't a far fetched idea. But still, she had been free to refuse his proposal. When he had first met the clan's watchkeeper, old man Gong in the humble hut on the outer borders of the pack land, he had made it clear that it wasn't some kind of order. She was free to refuse.

But she hadn't.

She had merely bowed and agreed and promptly appeared with a satchel full of her things and followed him back to his own home.

So why did she continue to act like she was here against her will?

It irked him no end.

As the skies cleared, they began their trek again and Namjoon pushed thoughts of her out of his mind. He had to plan for the winter, make sure there was enough food and also make sure they had enough herbs and liniments and oils in the apothecary. Mind drifting off to the countless things he was responsible for, Namjoon forgot all about his awkward mate and the reason they were going back home in the first place.

Which is why, when they reached home and he took his bath, cleaning himself up and finally settling down to some delicious food from the kitchens , his mother's words made him drop the chopsticks in shock.

" She is with child."

Namjoon stared at his mother in complete shock.

Fuck.

---------------------------------------------

Authors Note : I had this idea and just had to write it. Hope you guys enjoyed it.

#werewolf namjoon drabbles