#thinking a lot about gender presentation and gender roles and how like if there TRULT

[swordplease]

why must wearing weird clothes and being fucky w ur hair and makeup and jewelry be any indication of gender weirdness why can it not simply just be part of the general human experience

#maybe.... #if I follow this path of logic much further I feel like it gets into weird terf territory which I don’t want it to at all I’ve just been #thinking a lot about gender presentation and gender roles and how like if there TRULT #like if there Truly was No gender presentation and no ascribed gender Roles. #would trans ppl exist? I think probably lgbtq would be such a different concept and experience #and I’m not saying that like... trans ppl shouldn’t exist or don’t exist or that it’s fake #I absolutely believe and respect trans ppl I just think it’s a phenomena of the way culture is built #and sometimes I wonder like #if there truly was no Concept of gender presentation what would it be like #or what would it be like if there was no concept of like... gender presentation or roles but there was still a sex binary #(even tho that is somewhat incorrect like) #would we always just.. be cis? bc there wouldn’t be any real difference between m/f besides physical sex #and is dysphoria always based upon physical sex characteristics bc it seems not #ppl id as trans who don’t experience dysphoria right? #so like #but like if there was zero tangible difference except for your reproductive organs #would gender have the same concept? #I think probably not #anyway this is not to say that like that Is how it Is Right Now or even that it Should Be like that #I think since we have historically had gender roles and presentations that the emergence of trans and gnc ppl makes it... #makes it at best ignorant and at worst just cruel to attempt to establish a binary world based on sex which is what many terfs seem to want #idk it’s interesting #bc to me I don’t understand how u can like. be gnc and change nothing about either your physical sex or your gender presentation #bc then what does that mean? #does it just mean u don’t feeel like u fit in trad f/m boxes? bc what if we just like. got rid of the boxes. I feel like maybe less ppl #would id as gnc? #but there’s a zillion layers to that also #anyway I’m rambling #and again like I do think trans ppl are real and valid and deserving of respect and being called by their pronouns etc I am not in #not here to shit on that just rambling and also I don’t rly want to Discuss this I was just dumping thoughts here

[detransexual]

Im struggling with femininity at this point in my detransition. I have so many thoughts about it, ill try to not go on forever but bear with me.

I know i dont have to be 100% gender non conforming, i know a long flowy dress in summer isnt exactly anti feminist, but it certainly isnt rejecting the ideals that are already in place either. I dont like wearing makeup, it fucks with my perception of myself, but being able to cover up the ever present shadow of facial hair is really relieving. I dont like wearing bras, but a very slightly cupped/padded sportsbra makes a (surprisingly) big difference in making me look like a flatchested woman rather than a dude. I dont like the concept of plastic surgery or surgery in general, but i would love to look more normal even without prosthetics or just a bra, i would to look a little closer to what i should have been like. I miss them the most in the context of sex, and it makes me sad that i always bound and hid them from my girlfriends rather than allow my whole body to be loved and seen as acceptable. Even though im happier about my chest now than i was pre surgery, i wish it had just been a reduction, scars (even of the size i have now) wouldnt be nearly as painful a reminder than the (almost, there's still like, a little more breast tissue than a bio male with my body weight/muscle/fat ratio would have? ) complete lack of tissue.

There are things im happy about, and i was actually a bit sad to notice my body hair has gotten lighter and that my clitoris is not as sensitive or quite as "full"/big as it was on T, because im still really happy about those changes, they've both made me feel MORE comfortable as a woman and in my body.

I dont think id dislike my voice as much if people, particularly (or perhaps exclusively?) other women, still recognised me as a woman with it. Its not a bad voice, its just not really mine, and its not a voice i can freely use without thought or consequence. my voice was already quite deep, especially if i wanted it to be, so it would have been better as it was.

There's still a lot that i dont know where i stand, and since ive always been unsure of who i am and shit, and since ive been so certain in things i was wrong about, its hard to commit, its scary. Both permanent changes and coming out again are very distant, both because i need time and because it takes time to get help again.

But all of this is making me struggle with femininity, it makes it easier to pass, and in turn not be reminded of the whole ordeal, although it also makes me more focused on it, which is probably gonna turn out just as harmful as when i was focusing on the opposite in my original transition.

I dont want to buy into exploitative and objectifying behavioirs, but i feel very very isolated and alienated from other women, something ive felt since i was very, very small, but this is different.

Feeling alienated as a kid was rough, and i desperately clung to what was expected of me, trying to fit in, trying to make myself "right", and ofcourse it was painful, but it was more internal than external.

During my trans-identified years, the alienation became explainable, and being alienated from other girls and women felt like a given, ofcourse thats how it was supposed to be since i was a boy! And i didnt feel trult alienated from boys until i was in my late teens and early 20s living stealth, and suddenly i had to pretend to be someone else in order to fit in. there was a huge difference between being the tomboy friend and actually being "one of the boys". You hear and see very different things when they dont think there's any girls or women around.

But after realising i neither could nor wanted to fit in with men, i gradually realised i was no longer just feeling alienated from other women, but i actually was. Its hard to connect with other women, make friends or exist in female spaces when you're no longer seen as a woman if you open your mouth, and i know thats nothing that overt femininity would change, but i honestly dont know how else to "compensate".

Meeting other detrans women has been wonderful, and i definitely wish i knew more gnc and butch women, but i just cant seem to find any in real life, ive yet to find any real women's spaces that arent "for women and anyone who doesnt identify as a cis-man :)".

I dont want to have to be feminine to be seen as a woman, i dont want to reinforce to myself or others that womanhood=femininity, i dont want to reinforce or portray detransition as meaning becoming genderconforming or like "accepting" and falling into stereotypes or "becoming a REAL woman" through femininity and gender roles. I dont want that, but i dont know how to balance what i want for myself with what would make my own existence less painful and what i think is "right".

I want to be able to be a visbly gender non conforming WOMAN rather than being seen as a gender conforming man, but being a gender conforming woman often makes ne appear and sometimes feel more like a gender non conforming man anyway. I dont know how to balance it all, and im torn between wanting to be a boghag and wanting to perform excessive femininity.

#Detrans woes #Personal #Op