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#thinking about Jackson Tess makes me really happy
talaok · 10 months
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Us | pt. 2
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Part 2 of this request because you asked for it and I can't say no to you.
Pairing: Joel Miller x pregnant!reader
summary: You decide it's time to tell Ellie you're pregnant, and she and Joel turn into overprotective babysitters until you give birth
It was time.
You had postponed it for too long and hiding your growing belly was starting to become impossible.
You had convinced Joel to invite Sam and Henry on the journey to Wyoming with you, but they didn't want to bother you anymore, which was stupid, they never bothered you in the first place... well maybe Joel a little bit, but he doesn't count.
Nonetheless, you had parted, and were now staying in an abandoned motel.
Everything was calm for the first time in a while, which meant it was time.
"Ellie we have to tell you something" Joel spoke. He might have looked and sounded calm, but you knew he was just as anxious as you.
"oh shit, who died?"
you forced yourself to smile through the nerves "No, it's not like that, it's... it's something happy"
Ellie raised her head, actually listening to you now.
"ok..." she said, urging you to go on.
You turned to Joel, suddenly unable to speak.
Why was this so hard? It's not like you were confessing to something awful.
Joel caught your look and understood he needed to help out.
"we're together," he said
There. It was out. Not all of it, but a part.
A weight lifted from your chest as Joel's hand intertwined with yours.
"yeah no shit" Ellie chuckled, making you freeze.
"you knew?" you spat out
"I mean you're kind of obvious" she grinned " especially you, man," he nodded to Joel, laughing to herself "You act like a thirteen-year-old around her"
The man shot her a look, but you could only smile.
"Alright Einstein, but that's not all"
She stopped smiling now, and instead, a frown took over her face as she looked up at you confusedly.
"It's not?"
"no" you shook your head "See, I..." you bit your lip as your heart started racing.
You had never said it out loud to anyone who wasn't Joel.
"Ellie, I'm pregnant"
Her eyes widened and then fell to your belly "shit, are- are you serious!?"
You nodded.
"wh-why didn't you tell me? Did Tess know?"
"We just... we wanted to be safe, and no, Tess didn't know"
"wow" she sighed eyeing you two "I mean- congratulations"
__ __ __
The journey to Wyoming changed from that point on.
Now instead of one person urging you to eat their food, you had two.
It was like they fed off each other's worry.
You must have carried your own backpack for just over five minutes total, the rest of the time, one or the other had forced you to let them hold it.
Neither of them left you alone if not to pee, and by the time you got to Jackson, you were just happy they could finally back off a little.
Turns out you were wrong.
They didn't back off, not at all, as you got more and more pregnant all it did was just make their apprehension grow.
It was funny really, watching as they fought for who could help you tie your shoes or make you breakfast.
The search for the fireflies became less and less important as you got closer to the ninth month, and by the time you had reached it, Ellie and Joel had decided they were gonna think about that only after the child was born.
Which wasn't long after that.
You woke up in stinging pain.
"fuck" you cried,
That was definitely a contraction
You let your fingers travel between your legs and found the sheets and your pants completely soaked.
shit
"Joel" you mumbled, the pain only getting worse.
"Joel!" you called, gripping his arm.
He woke up with a gasp, immediately turning to you.
"It's happening?"
"mh-mh" you could only hum, nodding as your nails dug into his flesh.
He looked at you for a moment, a smile tugging at his lips, before he leaned in to leave a quick kiss on your forehead.
"it's happening" he whispered again
__ __ __
You had always thought the women in the movies were exaggerating.
But they weren't. They fucking weren't.
It was a miracle Joel's hand was still intact considering how hard you had squeezed it.
It didn't matter how many times he told you you were doing so good or how it was almost done, it felt like a year had passed until you finally heard a little cry coming from the doctor's arms.
"it's a girl," he said, handing the minuscule child to you.
You took her in your arms, scared to even breathe.
She was beautiful... actually, she was perfect, so warm and small she didn't even look real.
You couldn't stop the tears running down your cheeks, and when you looked up at Joel, you noticed a watery glint covering his eyes too.
"You did it" he spoke, his voice shaky
"we did" you corrected him "We did it"
"she's so small" he murmured, an incredulous smile tugging at his lips.
"I know" You nodded, looking at her.
You couldn’t help the sob coming up your throat. There it was, a light in the darkest night.
So many emotions took over you at the same time that all you could do was cry and then cry some more.
“Hey” Joel cooed, moving some hair out of your face “what is it?” he asked, laying down next to you.
You sniffled, looking up at him.
“What is it sweetheart?”
“I-” you stuttered, looking down at your daughter “I’m scared Joel” you admitted “I’m- I’m terrified. I thought the birth was gonna be the hardest part but...” you had to stop to breathe “Joel, What if I’m not a good mother?”
He smiled then, stoking your cheek “y/n, baby, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. You are smart, kind, funny and patient” he spoke without a single trace of hesitation “You are gonna be a great mom, I promise”
“How can you be sure?”
“Because I know you, and I know this kid is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as her mom” he said, causing a small smile to your lips.
“Thank you” you murmured, kissing his cheek “and Y’know, You’re gonna be a great father too”
He chuckled “with you by my side... I’m sure I will”
You laughed softly as both your eyes fell back to your daughter.
"you want to hold her?"
He hesitated a second.
"you ok?" you asked, noticing the shift in his look.
He looked at you, and that's all he needed. All the memories and fear melted away the moment his eyes met yours.
"I'm great" he smiled, taking the baby in his arms.
She looked even smaller when he was holding her.
Everything fell silent for a second, until, without so much as a warning, Ellie threw the door open.
"Finally," she said, "they said I could come in now"
"c'mere," you gestured,
"you ok?"
"Yeah"
"did it hurt a lot?"
"it did" you nodded, "but it was worth it" you said, your eyes moving up to where Joel was still gently holding her.
Ellie smiled at the sight. He had never seen Joel being so careful.
"you ok there man?" she teased
And when Joel raised his head to look at her, a small tear fled his eye.
"I love you," he promised "all of you. And if it's the last thing I ever do, I swear I'll protect you"
— —
Pt. 1
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thirstyforcharacters · 10 months
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Reconnection
Part 2 of the Mistakes Series
Part 1: Mistakes. Part 3: Healing
Summary: You walked away from Joel after the confrontation at Bill and Frank’s. You thought you’d never see him again. Until you did.
Warnings: angst!!!!! reader is lonely :( Joel and reader are getting better at emotions!!! mentions of canon typical violence, allusion to sexual activities, happy-ish ending
WC: 2025
Notes: soooo here is the sequel to Mistakes!! I had originally planned on only having this series be two parts, and then I thought it would be three or four, but now I’m kind of back to only doing two bc I really liked how this part ended!!! Lmk what you think about that!!
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Walking out was simultaneously the best and worst thing you could’ve done for yourself. You didn’t wake up feeling unwanted. You did what you wanted when you wanted because no one was there to hover over you. You lived in the woods, trading with other people like you, dodging Infected, and killing raiders who tried to make your life more of a living hell than living on this earth already was.
But you were lonely. You missed the times you had with Joel and Tess before everything happened. You missed the feeling of having a family, even if they weren’t a great one at the end. They were the only two people you trusted, and not having that safety net was terrifying. But you made your choice and you stuck to it. On April 23rd, 2023, you left the Boston QZ and didn’t look back, not even as Joel pleaded with you to stay. Not even as you saw tears start to fill Tess’s eyes for the first and last time. Not even as you snuck through the gate and slit the FEDRA agent’s throat who tried to stop you.
For a year, you wandered. Slowly, you traveled, going from Boston down to Pennsylvania, then you made your way through the Midwest. You didn’t really have a destination, you just knew that you wanted to be as far away from Boston as you could get.
And on April 23rd, 2024, you found Jackson, Wyoming.
Well to be more specific, the residents found you.
As always, you were wandering on your own. What was snow covered terrain in the winter was now grasslands in the spring as you hiked over prairies and rolling fields, slowly approaching the Rockies to the west. At some point, you crossed a few rivers, but honestly, so much of what you traveled had blurred together at this point. It was nighttime, and you laid down to rest, setting up a small camp as always. You slept for only two hours, which wasn’t abnormal for you. But what wasn’t normal for you was to be surrounded by three people on horseback pointing rifles at you when you woke up. Immediately, you put your hands in the air. You could take three people easily if they were on the ground, but on horseback, you were at a major disadvantage.
“Who’re you?” the one in the center asked.
His accent was familiar. You searched for his face, blinking your eyes open in the dark, slowly adjusting to the low light.
“‘M Y/n. Just passing through.”
“You by yourself?” he asked again.
Your eyes widened once they were finally adjusted from the dark.
It was Tommy, Joel’s brother.
You knew him back in the day, before he ran off to join the Fireflies. He was always a bit friendlier than his older brother, despite everything he’d gone through. And he was handsome, though you had always preferred Joel in that regard.
“Tommy?”
Your voice was much more confused than you would’ve liked, but it made him stop in his tracks. He studied your face, searching for something in it until the light turned on.
“Oh, shit, you’re that Y/n! Sorry I didn’t recognize you at first, it’s been a while.”
But his gun was still pointed at you. And you knew why.
“I’m not Infected. You can check me yourselves if you want.”
You rolled up your sleeves and your pantlegs to prove a point, showing off the lack of bites and claw marks on your body.
The person on the right, a woman with dark hair jumped down from her horse. It was at that point that you noticed a dog beside them, growling at you.
“The dog will know if you’re telling the truth,” she said.
You tensed up. Despite knowing that you were clean, the large creature baring its teeth at you was still unnerving. But you allowed him to approach, and soon his growls faded as he nudged you with his nose. You couldn’t help but smile as you scratched his head, the animal giving you some comfort as you looked up at the people who were now getting off of their horses. Tommy offered you his hand and you took it, allowing him to help you off of the ground. The dark haired woman smiled at you, and the other person, a man with light brown hair and glasses looked you over.
“It’s good to see you again, Y/n. It’s been a long time,” said Tommy with a smile.
“It’s good to see you, too. Always enjoyed your company,” you responded honestly.
His smile grew a little wider, but then dropped as he asked you, “What are you doing out here by yourself? Always thought if I saw you again, it would be with Joel and Tess.”
You tensed up, and he noticed.
“Long story. Don’t have time to tell it,” you offered simply, “what about you? Still with those Fireflies?”
He chuckled, “Not exactly. I’ll show you when we get there. You can share my horse.”
Despite not seeing him in many years, you trusted him. So, ignoring the sleep that wanted to retake you, you gathered your few belongings and got on the horse, along with the two others. During the ride, you learned their names were Maria and Allen.
“Maria’s my wife,” Tommy said, beaming with pride, “we’re parents now, can you believe it?”
You smiled at them both, “Congratulations!”
But why would they want a child in a world like this?
As the sun was rising over the Wyoming mountainside, you arrived at your destination. You couldn’t help but gasp out loud at the wooden gates and stare in shock at the beautiful town sprawled out before you.
“Holy shit, Tommy!” is all you could think to say.
Tommy laughed, his eyes crinkling at the sides, “Welcome to Jackson.”
Maria smiled and said, “We’ll find a place to put you up. I’m sure you’re tired since we interrupted your sleep. We can take you on a tour in the morning.”
Suddenly, your exhaustion hit you, your eyes drooping involuntarily as a yawn escaped your lips.
“That sounds great.”
You honestly didn’t even remember falling asleep, but when you woke up to knocking at the front door of your new house, the sun was high in the sky. You yawned, rubbing the sleep from your eyes as you trudged through your bedroom and the rest of your house to reach the front door.
“Hey, Y/n! Feel a little better?”
Tommy was on your doorstep with a smile.
You nodded, “Still a little sleepy, but much better, thank you.”
“Good,” he said, “you ready for that tour, now?”
“Sure.”
Tommy led you through town, pointing out the important buildings: the stables, the bar, of course, and the clinic, while explaining how things worked in town.
“Oh, and since you’re capable, we’ll probably put you in the patrol rotation as soon as you’re settled in…”
But you weren’t listening anymore. The two of you approached the school, since Tommy thought maybe you could help teach there, and there you saw something you hoped you’d never see again.
Joel.
He was talking to a teenaged girl with brown hair and a bright smile. He was laughing at something she had said, his eyes twinkling with a brightness you had never seen in them before.
Blood rushed to your ears as your heart pounded in your chest. You couldn’t help the way your hands shook as adrenaline rushed through you.
This wasn’t supposed to happen. You weren’t supposed to see him again.
“Y/n, you okay?” asked Tommy softly.
Joel’s head whipped around upon hearing your name. It couldn’t really be you, could it? Your hair was too long and tangled, your clothes too torn and dirty, your shoes barely staying on your feet.
But those eyes were unmistakable. They carried so much weight, even more than the last time he saw you. They were filled with fear, anger, sadness, but worst of all, loneliness. And it was his fault.
Joel never stopped blaming himself for what happened. He missed you every day, and no one, not even Tess could pull him from his misery. Ellie filled the Sarah-sized hole in his heart, but there was still a you-sized hole from the past year. And now that you were before him, he was determined to get you back.
“Y/n.”
The soft murmur of your name was enough to shake you of your stupor.
“Joel.”
You said nothing more. What else was there to say?
“Hey, Ellie, you want to come to my place? Maria’s baking cookies,” Tommy asked, giving you both a meaningful look.
“Sure! You’d better come around then, too, Joel!” the girl, Ellie, said cheerfully, seemingly oblivious to what was occurring.
“I will, Ellie. You run along now,” Joel replied, smiling softly at the retreating figures of Ellie and his brother.
Then his attention was on you. And quite frankly, you didn’t know what to do.
Joel stepped toward you, closing the gap until you were face to face with the man that had been haunting your dreams for the past year.
“Didn’t expect to see you around here,” he said.
You heard the weight his voice carried. Even if others couldn’t read the stoic man, you could. You knew him too well, even after all of this time.
“Well that makes two of us.”
The bitterness still tinging your voice makes him wince slightly.
“It’s good to see you alive,” he offered, “that you’re okay.”
“No thanks to you.”
The tone was sharp, offered no room for friendliness or forgiveness.
Joel sighed softly, running his fingers through his graying hair, “I know. I’ve thought about it every day.”
That made you pause, the anger simmering below the surface beginning to give way.
“Me too.”
You wouldn’t say that you missed him. That you dreamed about a world where the three of you were still a team. That when you felt really lonely, your fingers would slip below your waistband, still thinking of him. That you often wished desperately that you never left. But you felt like he knew.
“I’m sorry.”
“I know.”
His smile was tight lipped and his eyes swam with the ghosts of your shared past.
“No Tess?”
Her absence was noticeable to you. In the time the three of you had worked together, you didn’t go anywhere without the others.
Joel shook his head, “Dead.”
“Raiders?”
“Infected.”
“Oh,” you gasped, “I’m sorry.”
And you were. Tess was a good friend and a strong ally. Her death was unexpected to you, and you knew Joel had to have been there to see it. You wouldn’t wish that upon your worst enemy.
He looked at the ground, breaking eye contact with you for the first time, “Losing her was hard. I had already lost you, and then I lost her. Just like Sarah.”
Joel was never one to talk about his emotions, but you had broken down that wall during your partnership. And though you didn’t let your guard down to him, here he was using a wrecking ball.
“Joel, I-” this time you ran your fingers through the tangled mess that was your hair, trying to search for something to say.
But he continued, “I know what I did to you was wrong. Shutting you out wasn’t the answer, and I’m sorry.”
“It wasn’t. But maybe leaving wasn’t the best answer for me, either.”
That was the first time you had really admitted that to yourself.
“I should’ve talked to you, like this, before making a choice so rash. I’m so-”
“You don’t have to apologize. You did what you had to. You have to do what’s best for you in this world,” Joel interrupted, returning his gaze to you.
You nodded, “Well, maybe this is a chance for us to start fresh. Maybe it was meant to happen.”
The ghost of a smile appeared on his lips, “Maybe it was. Let me walk you home.”
And you did, with the feeling that you’d let him do it again and again.
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fuckyeahdindjarin · 9 months
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Behind the Seams: Part IV
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{ Behind the Seams: Part III | Part III: Edgestitch | Series Masterlist }
Welcome to the second instalment of Behind the Seams! For those new to the series, this is a behind-the-scenes deep dive that I post in between chapters for those who are interested in taking a peek at my writing process (mainly because I update so slowly lol). There are spoilers for Edgestitch below the cut, so if you're not caught up, I suggest you come back when you are!
Current status: 3.6k unfinished rough draft
Initial thoughts: The last chapter laid down a few anchor points that I hope will carry the story forward for the next 2 to 3 parts. I still don't have an overarching plan for this series, and there is no 'plot' to speak of other than the unfolding of the relationship between Joel and Pin, and I'm good with that!
After the excitement of the last chapter, it took me a while to get back into the Seams mindset. While we resolved a tiny bit of the sexual tension last chapter, there is still a lot to unpack between these two. The camera is zooming in for this chapter, where we throw Joel and Pin together again, but in a less accident-prone manner as they take things into their own hands rather than leave it up to chance.
The challenge: One word - intimacy. On both their parts.
As Pin alluded to in the last chapter, it's been a long time anyone has even kissed her, let alone anything else. There will be some action in this chapter - I haven't decided to which degree yet - but I want to do it in a way that is sensitive to her history (even though I will leave it vague).
As for Joel, it's also one word - Tess. My Google doc right now cuts off at the beginning of the intimate scene, because I haven't figured out what he's thinking just yet in relation to her. As much as he's falling for Pin, I imagine he might be confused, guilty, probably in denial about his grief. I don't want Seams to get too heavy, and I might not be exploring these themes in Part IV just yet, but these are themes that I'm looking to explore in some way in the series.
Ellie: I was so bowled over by everyone's reaction to Ellie in the last chapter! That really gave me such a confidence boost, and I'm so happy to say that our favourite gremlin is making more of a cameo this chapter. She's great comedic relief while bringing out the dad side of Joel that I just love dipping into.
Joel: Many of you have brought up you're enjoying Joel's thoughts about Jackson and Sarah, and you don't understand how much it means to me. Getting into Joel's head has been one of my favourite things about this series, especially with him trying to figure out how to exist in this place after 20 years of just surviving. Ellie allowing himself to get back in touch with his dad side is another angle that I love delving into. The instincts have never left him, and I'm having so much fun bringing out that side of him.
Something fun: As I teased right here, the white undervest will make a return, and yes, Joel will be sweaty AF in it - I wonder why 🤷🏻‍♀️
Thank you for reading if you've made it this far! As with the last chapter, it helps so much putting my thought process into words, to make space in my head so that I can push forward with the writing. Thank you for indulging me, I hope you enjoyed this one ❤️ I'm always open to chatting, so don't be shy!
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Men Who Are Fighting to Be Warm: The NSFW ABCs of Joel Miller
Pairing: Joel Miller x female reader (Just Too Good To Be Gone pairing), Joel Miller x Tess Servopoulos, Joel x female OCs (past)
Word count: 11,822
Rating: NSFW / E - The title says it all. 
Warnings: This alludes to things that happen / are covered in TLOU 1 and 2, but doesn’t outright spoil anything at all.
Summary: Get to know Joel a little better in 26 different ways.
Author’s Note: Happy day after the TLOU HBO premiere, friends! This has been a LONG time coming - I think I’ve been jotting down ideas for some of these since winter 2021, but I never got around to compiling everything ... until now. 
This is specifically for Just Too Good To Be Gone Joel - so it makes references to things that have happened in that universe. Individual reference pieces are linked appropriately, and the overall masterlist (in chronological order) is linked here, too. 
Thanks for being patient here with me - this one is a LOT of fun. 
To get alerted when I post new chapters/stories, follow @somethingtofightfor-shares​ and turn on post notifications - you can also ask to be added to my tag list (link in bio or at the top of my taglist reblog)
Just Too Good To Be Gone Masterlist
Song Suggestion: “Shelter From The Storm” by Bob Dylan
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A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)
Joel got so used to not lingering after sex post-outbreak that it’s going to take some time for him to relax and let himself stay. This is true for both pre and post outbreak encounters, but now is much different than it used to be, and he knows it. 
This doesn’t mean that he immediately gets up and gets dressed and leaves the room - it just means that he’s not used to cuddling or getting intimate on an emotional level afterward. Conversation is one thing - personal pillow talk is another. 
Joel is always very focused on you, though. Where before and with other partners (for the most part), you’d both finish and lay there for a minute recovering before you got up and did what you needed to do to clean up, being in Jackson gives you a little respite from having to be so methodical about things - and he knows this too even if he needs some time to adjust to it.  
He’s always going to check in and make sure you’re alright and ask if you need anything. He’ll remind you where the bathroom is and that there’s water in the kitchen if you want it. He’ll ask if you want a new pair of socks to put on (the wooden floors in his house get cold) - and he’ll always remind you to get dressed before you fall asleep. (This is something that doesn’t ever change, even after years in Jackson. Sleeping naked is an absolute no-go for him, and he wants you to be ready just in case, too.)
The more he gets to know you, and the safer he feels in Jackson, the closer he wants to be as you come down and start to relax, even if he won’t compromise on the clothing thing. 
He does miss the nights when he could fall asleep tangled up with someone - skin on skin, but the hints that he gets of it - a hand under your shirt and pressed against your stomach, the fabric riding up so that his forearm is laying against bare skin, the way you sleep in less in the warmer months, meaning that there’s more skin for him to enjoy … it’s all new for him and he loves every second of it. 
Also, the first time Joel breaks his own rule and falls asleep without a shirt on after the two of you have caught your breath is one of your favorite memories with him in your time together (more on that later)
B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)
Joel’s favorite of his own body parts is something that might surprise you. 
He knows that part of it is due to his strength and stature, but he also knows that his survival is thanks to quick thinking and a heightened reaction time. He’s damn proud of his brain and the way it can assess and adapt to different situations when necessary.
And he likes your mouth - for a variety of reasons, really, but mostly because he can tell exactly what kind of mood you’re in when he sees the set of your lips. 
Amused? A tiny quirk of them to the right. 
Unsure? You chew on the inside of your bottom one a lot. 
Angry? He can see them pressed thin from a block away, and knows he - or whoever it is you’re interacting with - needs to tread carefully. 
Excited - the way you always look when you see him for the first time each day? They’re stretched into a large smile, and sometimes your teeth are biting down on the corner of your lower one, the sparkle in your eyes almost too bright. 
He also loves your mouth because of what it can do - and what it often does with various parts of his body. 
Your favorite part of Joel? 
His hands. And his arms. And his chest. You love how big he is everywhere, and how capable, and your favorite place to be is held tight by those hands and arms to that chest. It doesn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing, even after everything you’ve been through, a few moments in his arms is enough to make you forget it all for just a little while - and neither of you would have it any other way. 
Joel really likes it when you’re focused on something else and absently running your fingers over his - loves the way you linger on his knuckles, some of them permanently swollen from previous fights and being broken and then healing, loves the way you follow the tendons just beneath the skin on the back of his hand, tracing them down and to his wrist and then all the way to the band of his watch and then back up. 
He loves the way your hands fit into his, and even though he thought he’d found his match all those years ago with Nadine, he didn’t realize just how wrong he was until the very first time you took his hand and held it on purpose. 
… so maybe more than your mouth, Joel loves your hands just as much as you love his.
C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)
Joel loves the fact that he can safely finish inside of you - and that he doesn’t have to worry about pulling out. (Explanation here - but long story short, he had a vasectomy a couple years before the outbreak and it’s one of the best decisions he’s ever made for himself)
Joel loves seeing evidence of himself on your skin or his - the way he looks spread out over your belly or your fingers or on your thighs and chest, glistening in whatever light the two of you have to work with. 
He doesn’t ever expect you to swallow if you’re going down on him when he comes, but the act of watching (and feeling) it happen turns him on more than he thought it would. 
And when it comes to you and what your body does? 
He loves feeling how turned on your get for him. He loves running his fingers over and through you, feeling how well they glide along your skin, loves pulling his hand away and seeing that you’ve soaked it. He really loves how your body responds to him - words or touch, and he’s actually damn proud of the fact that he’s made you come just as hard with his fingers as he can when he’s inside of you. 
But one of Joel’s favorite things about you is the way you taste, coming hard over his tongue. He will never turn down an opportunity to go down on you, and he knows that once he’s gotten going, it doesn’t take much to pull you right over the edge, exactly how he wants to. 
He’ll take his time, sure - if you’ve got it to spare, but in a perfect scenario for him, Joel will pull a quick orgasm out of you with his mouth or fingers, admire his handiwork, and then go slow for the second - savoring the taste and feel of you all over him until you’re begging him to stop and telling him how much you need him - not his hands or his mouth, but all of him. 
And lucky for you, Joel’s always happy to oblige. 
 D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
We’re ignoring the elephant in the room for right now because we all know how he feels about THAT secret … so we’re going to go back to Teenage Joel for one of the two of these. 
1. When Nadine told Joel that she was pregnant, his first instinct was to call her a liar - and his second was ask whose it was. 
Was this shitty of him? Absolutely. But he was a scared 16/17 year old kid, and hadn’t ever dreamed that it could happen to him. (They were careful, and always used protection…but accidents happen, and while Joel had sometimes thought about what it would be like to have a family with Nadine, he never thought that it would happen so soon, before they could go to college and get jobs and all that).
 Tommy doesn’t even know that he doubted that Sarah was his at first, and although he prides himself on not lying to you, telling you this secret is something that he doesn’t ever plan on revealing - not because it doesn’t matter, but because the moment he laid eyes on his little girl for the first time, he knew.
And he already feels so guilty about everything else that he’s been through and done that he doesn’t need to add something else to the pile - especially something else that neither of you can do anything about.
2. When Joel was with Penny, he was thinking about Tess - both times. 
And he doesn’t know how to say that to you without making himself sound like an asshole, so he’s never told you that, either. And when you’ve told him that you’re upset that you couldn’t be his “first” experience in Jackson, he’s almost glad that you weren’t… because he doesn’t know if he would have been able to get the other woman’s face out of his head those first times, and there’s no way that he would have wanted to start things physically with you in that way. 
 He’s worried that if he tells you this, also, you’d be concerned that when he’s with you, he’s thinking of Tess. (He isn’t - and he never really has in the way he did with Penny) 
The exceptions are the times you’ve brought it up, or he has - like the first night in his kitchen, or the night when the two of you were out on an overnight patrol and you flat out asked him to tell you about her and what they’d had - and after the briefest hesitation, the woman’s face flashing in his mind - he’d done just that. 
E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)
Joel had five sexual partners before the outbreak: Nadine and four others in the 10 years that she was gone. (This is for actual sex; other things happened in that time period. Joel made the most of the nights his parents looked after Sarah so that he could have a break - but he was always careful so that there wasn’t going to be another ‘oops’.) 
After the outbreak, the number increased by more than a couple - but after getting to Boston and meeting Tess, it dwindled … and then in the few years leading up to leaving the city, he was with Tess and Tess only because it was easier that way (and because that’s what he wanted even if he’d never admit it.) 
Arguably, he’s more experienced with things that aren’t actual sex. But he’s patient and understanding. Joel is willing to learn his partner and their needs - when given the chance. 
He’s really attentive, and because he’s spent so much time closely analyzing his surroundings, he has no issue staying focused and honing in on what you need and want from him - things he’s more than happy to give. 
You always finish, even if he has to supplement with his hands and mouth - the first time you were together is the exception to this, and he’s definitely made up for that in the time you’ve spent in bed since. 
You’ve never complained and never will about how well he does things. He’s overwhelming in bed like he is everywhere else, even when the two of you are taking it slow, but it’s nice to be with someone that has so much confidence in bed and isn’t afraid to test your limits and help you establish new ones … the same way you are with him. 
F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)
You on top, hands down. He loves looking at you and being able to put his hands wherever he wants. He doesn’t mind missionary or the positions when you’re on your back at all, but that hinders him from being able to touch your skin - he loves splaying his fingers out and over as much of it as he can - and he knows you like it a hell of a lot, too. You being on your back, or having your back pressed against something makes this a lot harder.  
He also really likes it when you’re both laying down and wrapped around each other. He can’t go as deep this way, but he can feel things - including your body - everywhere and against his and he loves it. 
He won’t admit this out loud to anyone, but wanting proximity and access to someone else in bed is one of his most closely guarded secrets. In his mind, it’s a weakness to want so much of someone - but when you figure this out - that he just wants as much of you as he can possibly get at all times - you make sure that it happens as often as possible. 
To be honest, you’re never going to turn down an opportunity to stare down at him, or lock eyes with him or watch the way his throat works when he’s gritting his teeth and trying to keep from crying out. 
And you will certainly never want to put yourself in a position where you’re not able to feel the way his hands and fingers linger against your skin, digging into it when he’s flexing his hips or pulling yours down so that your bodies are as close as they can be. 
You’ll take Joel any way you can have him - and he knows it, but won’t ever take advantage of you or your feelings just to get what he wants. 
G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)
Joel’s demeanor changes in the leadup to - and during - sex. After so many years of it being a militaristic thing meant only for release and to act as a brief physical mood booster, it’s nice for him to be able to relax for a little while and not take things so seriously with you. 
It’s also nice to hear him crack a joke or smile, which he does more and more as he gets comfortable with you both in the bedroom and out of it. 
It’s really nice to have him wink up at you from between your legs, or use one of those stupid Texan phrases that make you laugh and snort, before your hands reach out to push him away playfully… or to pull him closer. 
Ellie might be the queen of lame jokes and puns, but Joel’s the king - specifically because of the deadpan way he delivers them on a moment’s notice, and the fact that he has the ultimate poker face. You sometimes can’t tell whether or not he’s being serious or trying to get you to laugh. (It’s usually the laughing.)
But this doesn’t mean that he doesn’t treat the actual sex seriously - because he does. 
While he tried to keep things casual after Nadine left, and then continued this after the outbreak, he let himself get a lot more involved with Tess than he intended… but he didn’t have many opportunities to joke around with her, or to let himself fully relax. 
Getting Tess to crack a smile was a feat for him, and he didn’t know what to expect when it came to you … but he was happy to find out that you were more than receptive to his sense of humor and personality, even when he was still figuring out whether or not it was worth it to let himself fall back into old habits. 
He understands that in Jackson, sex isn’t just about scratching an itch. It’s not meant to be a fleeting thing where he might never see the person he sleeps with again the way it was in Texas and Boston and all the places in between. He has to treat it - and the relationships he has with people like you and Maria and Ellie and the other residents of Jackson - like they mean something … and that means being himself and allowing things to get personal on some level.
But the moment he pulled you close under the blankets and let his beard scrape against your jaw, whispering one of his terrible jokes into your ear, you knew that even if he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself, he was already comfortable with you - and the relationship that you were building. 
What was the joke, you ask? 
What does a spy do when he gets cold? 
He goes undercover.
H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)
For Joel, grooming starts and ends at general hygiene. On the road and in Boston, it meant that he kept himself clean and dry when he could. Now that he’s in Jackson, he has a little more of a routine - and a chance to go back to “old” habits and behaviors. He changes and washes his clothes more frequently, can keep them clean and tidy on a daily basis, and doesn’t have to worry so much about keeping things only because they’re multi-functional - including soap and shampoo - and toothpaste.
The reappearance of electric trimming tools was a godsend for Joel, and even though when he first used them he got rid of almost everything below the waist just for a fresh start, after it grew back, he’s kept it maintained … but not super short or shaved. The same is true for his beard and hair, for the most part. 
When he and Ellie first got back to Jackson, he had her trim his hair - and then shaved his beard completely off. It was the first time he’d been clean-shaven in almost a decade, and even though he probably won’t ever do it again, it was nice to see himself look younger and more put together than he had been as a Hunter and a Smuggler and while protecting Ellie and living on the road for months. It reminded him of the days before the outbreak and gave him a chance to say goodbye to that version of himself in a way that he’d never gotten to before. 
It was a nice sendoff - and a reminder that time has passed, and he’s not the same man he used to be. 
You’ve never complained about the way he grooms himself - because you understand that even though Jackson offers a lot of comforts and opportunities, it’s not before, and no one should expect it to be. However … you did tell him once that if he ever shaved his beard again, you wouldn’t be thrilled with the decision, to which he replied “I’m sure those thighs of yours would appreciate the break.” 
I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)
He doesn’t really believe it’s true, but Joel’s actually very romantic. (Even though Tess confirmed it, and you’ve done so on many occasions, too. 
Joel’s love languages (more here) say a lot about him and romance. And even though things are very different now than they used to be, this hasn’t really changed much for him. 
It’s not candles and flowers and chocolate and elaborate dates anymore; it’s Joel himself - and his behaviors that establish that intimacy. 
It’s the way he touches you. The way he looks at you. The way you know that he could have any of the women in Jackson, but he always makes you know that he only wants you - and it’s been that way for almost as long as he’s been in the city.
Intimacy with Joel involves talking to him and getting to know him - and Joel wanting to get to know you, too. 
It started out simple - him asking you things like what you like to do on days off, or what the best food in Jackson was, or where it was quietest. It evolved to him asking you to show him these things instead of telling him. But what really made you understand that Joel was trying to change your friendship to something more was when he started revealing things about himself, too. 
Because to know so much about people means it hurts more when they’re gone, or when you know they’re hurting, too. To trust someone with your past and your thoughts is to give them things to use against you. To reveal weaknesses - even as small as birthdays or favorites or past mistakes - means letting someone in enough that they could do damage. 
And in a world like yours and Joel’s, that’s even more intimate than going to bed with them. 
J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)
In the hard years - the nightmare years - the time right after the outbreak, the travels from Texas to Boston, and even in Boston for a short period of time, Joel used masturbation as a way to calm and soothe his body even if it didn’t do the same for his mind. Yes, the physical release helped to negate some of the stress he felt, and there were times when getting himself off was enough to trick his body into a more relaxed state … but it didn’t always happen like that. 
For Joel, the act wasn’t one of comfort or pleasure - it was just something he did to take the edge off when he needed to relieve some tension or take out some frustration. He’d just grit his teeth and go at it, conjuring up the memories of actresses that he couldn’t remember the names of as more time passed, or previous women that he’d slept with because it was easier to remember the sound of their voices or the way they’d touched him. 
But the more he did that, the more depressing it got - because he knew that it was likely that every single one of them hadn’t made it. So Joel switched to thinking of only pieces of women - the way their soft hands would feel on his skin, the brush of hair against his arm or chest, the plush press of their lips and the warmth of their tongues as they took him into their mouths. 
Sometimes, this was supplemented by images from magazines - but not all the time, and as it got later and later into the post-outbreak life he lived, he didn’t need to think about anyone or anything in particular - the strokes of his hand, or the use of something soft like a sheet or a shirt were enough to get him through the couple minutes it took him to get himself off. 
In Jackson, though, Joel’s thoughts drift more and more to typical male thoughts when he’s taking care of business. One of the things Tommy showed him when he and Ellie first arrived in Jackson - that you didn’t directly point out on your welcome tour - was the section in the back room of the library that had been filled with the “adult” materials from around town - magazines and movies, pictures and postcards - telling him that the room wasn’t monitored and that if he wanted anything from there, he could just take it, no questions asked. 
So he did - stopping by after a day of work on the wall a week or so after he’d slept with Penny, thumbing through a few of the magazines before slipping them - and a couple of compilation DVDs in to a bag and heading back to his house. 
He used the magazines first, flipping through the pages until one woman caught his eye, his other hand busy pulling himself free from his pajama pants. He watched a video for the first time late at night, palming himself through his sweatpants, and was surprised to find that he enjoyed it, a hiss escaping his lips as his eyes rolled back, fingers closing around his swollen head and squeezing. 
But after a month of slowly working his way back to finding pleasure in touching himself, Joel’s mind began to wander away from the perfectly posed models and the over-lit scenes that played out on screen while he was winding down. 
He started thinking about the sound of a laugh and the way eyes sparkled when someone smiled. He started thinking about innocent touches - a hand on his arm or a tap on his shoulder. He started thinking about the way his name sounded when spoken in greeting, teasing and excitement apparent in the tone that was used. 
But then those thoughts evolved into more - and he couldn’t stop thinking of the way your eyes glittered when you smiled at him, at the way you cocked your head to the side and wrinkled your nose while the two of you spoke - at the way that every time you laughed or hummed or smiled in his presence, it sent warmth cascading through his chest to settle into the lower part of his belly that he couldn’t push to the side by concentrating on Miss April 2013’s centerfold spread. 
And when he touched himself to the thought of only you for the first time, Joel’s eyes closed as his head rested against his pillow, his lips parted while he let himself get lost in thought. 
He came hard with a grunt that wasn’t your name but was close, his chest rising and falling rapidly for long moments after he’d finished … and though Joel knew that unless he told you what had happened, no one would ever know aside from him - and that one instance of getting himself off to someone he considered as close to as friend as he had in Jackson was acceptable, especially since he was still adjusting - that it couldn’t happen again.
But when it happened again - and again and again the more he got to know you and spent time with you, convincing himself very quickly moved out of the realm of possibility. 
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Competence: Joel likes people that are capable. And this doesn’t just mean someone that can take down a horde of infected, or someone that is extremely strong or fast - it means anyone that is capable of doing something well. 
Yeah, he’s turned on when he sees someone able to care for themselves and do what they need to do to survive - but it’s about more than that. And a big part of it is that when people can do things well, it means that he can take a backseat and just appreciate it - watch them, help if they need it, wait for instructions. 
It really turns him on when someone can do something well that he can’t - like the way Tess could talk herself out of 99% of the situations she got into before resorting to getting physical, or the way you can nock, aim and fire arrows faster than he could ever hope to. 
Praise: Joel likes giving praise almost as much as he likes receiving it, but the words coming from him is a much rarer occasion, and despite the fact that he likes doing it, it doesn’t happen very often. 
When he praises someone, he means it. He doesn’t waste words, and he isn’t going to placate someone when he’s unimpressed. That isn’t how you learn. He can be cruel about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do it on purpose, it’s just brutal honesty, which people come to expect from him … and that’s why when he praises you, you know he means it. 
But when someone praises Joel? He fucking loves it. He loves hearing that he’s good at things - especially when it’s the things that people don’t need to be good at in order to survive post-Cordyceps. 
Yeah, he knows he’s strong and quick on his feet, and can be trusted to keep people safe. And he appreciates hearing those things. 
But the real praise that he wants is for things like when you tell him how good he feels the first moments he’s buried in you, or when you hum in appreciation at the feeling of his lips on your skin, followed by his tongue. He needs to hear that you love the way he touches you, or when you compare the way he’s moving his fingers over your skin to the way he plays guitar. 
Once, you told him that he’d made you the best dinner you’d ever had in your life, and that offhanded comment got him through a three day patrol, the man coming back to Jackson and immediately seeking you out and pulling hours of praise from your kiss-swollen lips. 
Rope: As is evidenced by the night you spent together in the barn, Joel’s apparently got a rope kink that he had no idea about previously, and even though there aren’t a ton of opportunities to break out the rope safely in Jackson, it’s definitely something that the two of you explore more than that one time. 
And it’s a lot more than the rope itself - it’s the trust that comes with using rope and restraining someone. It’s the fact that when you let him tie you up - taking away most of your movement and your ability to react with anything but the arch of your back or the use of your mouth - or even the slight spread of your legs, Joel knows that it’s about more than sex. It’s about more than physically wanting him to do what he wants and needs - it’s about him being able to give you what you want and need, without hesitation, too. 
You are smart and you are capable, but you want to push those things to the side for a little while and indulge - and when you trust him to lead? When you trust him to wind the coils of rope or a belt (artwork here) around your wrists or ankles and knot it? When you trust him to keep you immobilized, even for short periods of time? It strokes his ego, and reminds him that even something as simple and necessary in the world that you live in like rope can be used for other - much more pleasurable - things. 
** All three of these kinks can be explored in more detail here - in parts 1 and 2 of “Lessons You Learn From a Past You Can’t Change”
L = Location (favorite places to do the do)
He does like the bed, just because it’s comfortable, but Joel will not pass up the opportunity to have you on the kitchen counter/island. The counter’s got less space - so usually things won’t progress past touching or Joel using his hand to get you off if you’ve hopped up there, but after that first night, when he kissed you senseless on the island while you were downstairs and taking a break, it became The Place when you couldn’t make it upstairs, or when the two of you just wanted a quickie. 
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The marble stays cool in the summer, heats up very quickly with your body heat in the winter, and it’s the perfect height for him to pull you to the edge and urge you to wrap your legs around his waist, the drag of him against you hitting your core just right before he shifts your hips, fingers digging into the muscle there - and slides in.
And when you lean back, using your hands to brace yourself so that you can roll your hips and dig your heels into the backs of his thighs, letting him go deeper? He really likes that, too. 
One night, before you’d moved in, you were over to make dinner. He walked in on you chopping vegetables at the island, your sleeves rolled up and the radio in the corner playing some old CD that you were humming along to. 
Joel couldn’t stop himself from stepping behind you and pulling the knife from your hand as he nuzzled against your neck, using  two fingers to undo the button on your jeans and then slid his hand between them and your skin, fingertips slipping beneath the cotton of your underwear, too, while you pushed yourself back and against his body, both of your hands moving to grip the edge of the marbled surface. 
It was a risk - not because it was dangerous, but because Ellie was in her garage, and if you got too loud, there was a chance she’d come over to investigate even though he was almost certain that she knew better than to come in without knocking. 
“Gotta be quiet.” He sighed as he kissed the side of your neck, nose following the line of your jaw up and toward your ear while he slipped two fingers into you, your lips parting and a quiet gasp leaving them at the feeling. “Gotta be quick.” 
You nodded, tilting your head back and then turning it to the side so that you could kiss him as he began to thrust his fingers, the flex of his wrist timed to match the movements of his hips against the backs of your thighs. 
He kissed you to swallow the sound of your whimpers as he sped up and curled his fingers, your elbows locked to keep your back flush with his chest, and when he wrapped an arm around the front of your upper body, palm flat against the front of your shoulder to hold you in place, you widened the spread of your feet, making it easier for him. 
You came on his hand in only a few minutes, breath rushing from your lungs after you tore your mouth away from his and then gasped, your legs shaking as your head dropped forward, chin to your chest. 
He could feel your heart hammering beneath the heel of his palm, the man’s smile growing as he lowered his head and slowed the motion of his hand to almost nothing, savoring the feeling of you pulsing around him and the way you coated his fingers and palm, dripping down toward his wrist. “You doin’ alright?” 
He kept his voice low and you answered fast, shifting on both feet as you straightened up and let go of the countertop. “Yeah.” Fingers wrapping around his wrist, you tugged it up and pulled his hand out of your jeans, a quiet hum of approval audible as you turned to face him, still holding onto his arm. “But now I have a question for you, Joel.” Tilting his head to one side, he waited, wanting nothing more than to pull his hand free and raise it to his lips, getting a taste of you. “Can you be quick?” 
He liked the kitchen island - but you liked the overstuffed armchair in his bedroom, using the cushioned arms for leverage as you rode him… and that’s where you ended up that afternoon - knife and bell peppers forgotten on the counter for almost an hour. 
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M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Joel’s biggest turn on is someone that goes for what they want - and doesn’t play games. There’s no time for that bullshit, and when someone takes initiative instead of shrinking back into the background and letting everyone else make decisions for them, it makes him pay attention. 
Being intentionally vague is one thing - and something he understands well, but after everything that everyone has been through, cutting through the bullshit is essential to ensuring that people get what they want. 
He’s also turned on when you … not quite talk back to him, but when you don’t mince your words. He tells it how it is, and appreciates when someone else does the same - especially when he sees that subtle twitch of your lips before you have something to say, or when you stick your hand on your hip and tilt your head to the side - and it reminds him of the way he stands, too. He might not like everything you’re going to say, but damn if he doesn’t like watching you say it. 
Maturity is another turn on for Joel. He has no time or patience for anyone behaving like a child - he doesn’t want or need another kid to take care of, and doesn’t think that being difficult or bratty is an endearing trait for anyone to have.
So when you can hold a conversation with him, or you know more about something than him or have solutions or suggestions that show you’ve been paying attention and have figured things out … when you show him that you’re his equal in many ways … he’s thrilled. 
But on a purely physical level? Joel’s turned on by the stretch and curve of your neck - both when you turn your head to one side, or when you’re rolling it out to crack it - and especially when you’re pushing your head back against the pillow and the soft skin at your throat is on display right in front of his face. He’s not ever going to pass up a chance to press a kiss there or drag his teeth over it. 
He’s also turned on by eye contact - as are you. There’s nothing quite like looking into the eyes of someone you care about and seeing everything in them - fear and love and hope and desire and affection … you can hide things in your expression, but it’s really hard to keep things from him in your eyes. And nothing gets him going quite like looking at you and seeing how much you want him - always. 
N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)
Joel won’t ever do anything hurt you or put you in danger. There are plenty of things in the world that are just waiting to cause you harm, and he won’t be another one. 
He won’t share you, either. And it’s not a macho thing - or because he needs to be the only one in your life and in your bed, but he wants to be the one to give you what you need and make sure you’re alright. He wants to go to sleep with you at night knowing that you choose to be with him for all the reasons that matter, and if he thought you needed or wanted someone else, it would hurt his pride a little (a lot). When Ellie says that everyone she’s ever cared about has disappeared from her life in some way, Joel understands the sentiment, too - and he doesn’t want that to happen with you after everyone and everything else he’s lost. 
However … if you ever told him that you were unhappy and you needed something or someone else instead? He would try his hardest to prove that he could be those things … but he wouldn’t ever try and force you to stay. 
Leaving marks is a turn off for him. He’s a 50 year old man, and has no need for these types of displays of ‘ownership’. Hickeys are for teenagers and for people insecure in their relationships that are trying to prove a point. If you bite him and it happens to bruise, that’s one thing, but purposely doing it so that there are visible marks specifically for others to see? He doesn’t like that.
Bruises from his/your hands are something else entirely, though, and even though he tries not to leave them - and knows you do, too - it happens sometimes. Both of you get carried away on occasion - hands grabbing each other’s bodies and holding tight - and there’s been more than one occasion when you’ve seen a bruise that you’ve left on him somewhere - a shoulder, his forearm, one of his thighs - and he kind of likes it when you find them, because it means you’re going to apologize and kiss them… and he won’t ever complain about that. 
The same goes for nail marks and scrapes. Things happen, and there’s been a time or two where things have gotten a little rough and he’s woken up with a red mark on his back or shoulders - or even on his chest, even though you’re careful of his scars. And even though the scrape on your cheek - and the small scar it left when it healed - that happened on the roof of the cabin made him much more aware of what he was doing when the two of you get carried away in a less-than comfortable location, sometimes it’s unavoidable. 
But both of you enjoy the minutes spent looking over each other’s bodies for visible injuries or evidence of things that you might need to explain if Ellie or Maria or Tommy see them - hands and eyes and mouths roaming over every inch of skin there is to assess, even long after you’ve already found everything you need to take notice of. 
O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)
His skills were a little rusty after so long of not having the opportunity… but he loves giving. He loves the way you taste and the way your body responds to him. He loves the way you smell and the sounds you make, and he can’t get enough of the way your thighs tremble for him when you finish, whether it’s the first orgasm of the night or your last. 
Joel is patient. He isn’t just trying to get you off as fast as possible. He thinks that if you’re going to take the time to go down on someone, you should do it right, and do it how they like it. 
He is very willing to practice, but he was also patient when it came to bringing it up with you in the first place - both because of how long it had been for him, (since the woman he’d been with before Tess) and because he didn’t want to ruin the moment by asking you if you’d be alright with it and then making it weird. 
The first time he tasted you, though, it happened naturally - and he got all the confirmation he needed that not only did you want him to do it, but that you’d been just as hesitant to bring it up in conversation as he had because you hadn’t wanted to seem needy, even though you’d already been more than generous with him. 
It had been about a month after sleeping with you for the first time - just before you went to the cabins to secure them for winter, and he’d finished on your stomach as a force of habit from before, the man rolling onto his back next to you as he caught his breath. 
He’d been on the verge of getting up to go and get you something to clean up with, but he’d seen you out of the corner of one eye, swirling your fingers through the mess that coated your skin before bringing them to your lips and sucking them clean. 
The sight caused him to pop up onto one elbow, his eyes wide as he watched you shrug your shoulders. “What? I like the way you taste, Joel.” And it had emboldened him, the man leaning in and kissing you hard before drawing in a deep breath and finally admitting that he didn’t think it was quite fair that you could say that to him when he couldn’t repeat the same to you. 
There’d been a pause and then you arched a brow, biting down on one side of your lip before you reached for him with your clean hand, running your knuckles against his stubblier-than-normal jaw. 
“No one’s stopping you from finding out.” 
— 
And from you? Joel will not ever turn you down, but he doesn’t expect anything from you. It’s not a “well I went down on you, so now you’ve gotta return the favor” thing, because truth be told, if that happened, he wouldn’t get to actually fuck you as much as he likes to. You might not be that much younger than him, but your body is still much more capable than his of a quick recovery between orgasms, and there’s nothing like coming while being buried in you - not even the way you look on your knees for him, one hand braced on his thigh, the other wrapped around the parts of him that you can’t fit between your lips. 
He is thankful and appreciative every time you use your mouth on him, but it’s not his go-to anymore (even though teenage and early 20’s Joel preferred being on the receiving end to actual sex)... things and people definitely do change. 
P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)
This depends on how tired he is. You’d think from looking at him that he’d be rough and fast every time he takes you to bed, but he’s very thorough when he has the time to be and prolongs things whenever possible. Joel respects the need for instant gratification, but doesn’t prefer it, especially when he cares for the person he’s with. 
He’s making up for the first time the two of you were together (read about that here), even though you’ve told him over and over you don’t need him to do that. You understand how fast things can - and sometimes do - happen, and you’ve never held the speed at which he came the first time against him. It actually made you feel really good about himself, and you’ve reminded him of this, too - but part of Joel doesn’t believe you. 
He’s also making up for the period - the 20 years after the outbreak - when he didn’t give himself time to relax or really enjoy anything - when he had to live his life like there might only be minutes left in it. It’s a slow process, to get him to really relax and take his time, but it’s not as simple as getting his mind used to the idea - it’s getting his body accustomed to not constantly having to be in fight or flight self preservation mode. 
And there’s a difference between slow and sensual with Joel, too. There’s the slow, sleepy sex that the two of you have in bed when you spend the night, or when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up, one of you shifting and finding that Joel’s hard and wants you, both of you almost powerless to stop from acting on it, the man’s hips barely moving until you’ve both had your fill and can’t stand waiting anymore. 
And then there’s sensual - when you’re both wide awake and you choose to go slow - choose to move so that you can feel everything; every flexing muscle, every exhale, every curve of each other’s fingers against skin, every drag of lips, the way his hair feels as he rests his forehead against your cheek or throat or temple, the scrape of his beard over your jaw as he whispers into your ear that he wants you to feel it, or that you feel so goddamn good around him and he never wants it to end. 
You don’t mind when Joel takes things fast and rough with you - but you appreciate the soft and slow more, just because you know that he’s not like that with anyone else - it’s only for you and always will be. 
Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)
Joel prefers to take his time, however … when necessary, he’ll take getting off fast over not getting off at all.  
Tess was a LOT of quickies. It kept things from getting too personal (even though they were both deluding themselves and they knew it) almost the entire time. 
All of the other women that he was with after 2013 were relatively quick, too - except for Hannah. He let himself relax a little with her, and didn’t rush… but it still wasn’t a difficult decision to leave Kentucky for New York. 
He can get himself off in a few minutes if necessary both via masturbation and actual penetrative sex - but for the most part, sex with Joel isn’t ever fast if he can get away with taking his time. 
One of the main reasons that Joel’s not as much a fan of quickies is that they tend to happen in less than desirable places where comfort isn’t always a priority - and he isn’t young anymore. His knees bother him and his back aches, and sex takes a lot out of him, especially on the road and when he’s focused on being efficient about it. He’ll never leave you unsatisfied, though, no matter how fast the time together is. 
Another reason that now that he’s in Jackson, he doesn’t want to rush? 
It reminds him of the previous years. It reminds him of having sex on old, torn and damp mattresses and on cold cement floors, nothing but a sleeping bag to cushion him. It reminds him of fucking someone like it could be the last time. It reminds him of not caring what happened when it was done because he’d likely never see the woman again … and if the whole point of living in Jackson is to not live like that? Well… the fewer the reminders, the better. 
But that’s not to say that you haven’t enticed him more than once to sneak off somewhere with you for a few minutes at a time, because you have … and there’s only been one or two times when quickies with you have reminded him entirely of quickies before, so maybe this is something he’s going to grow out of.
R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)
Joel’s always up for trying something risky as long as it doesn’t put anyone in real danger. And “danger” doesn’t mean the potential to get caught, he means honest to God danger. He tried the rope. He’s played around with wax with you. He’s let you blindfold him (and didn’t like that much at all) - he’s even let you coerce him (gently) into public sex (it was very dark, and you got him off with your hand while you watched a movie together in one of the warehouses that were used as gathering spaces for the town in the colder months. 
There were about fifteen other people in the room and the two of you were curled up together on a small loveseat that had been dragged out of storage, a blanket over your laps to ward off the chill of the high-ceilinged room … and you’d started something he had no intention of telling you not to finish. 
Joel likes experimenting, and if you’re on a roll, he’s not going to stop you unless he HAS to because of genuine disinterest or discomfort or fear. He wants to know what you like - and to find out what he likes - and what you enjoy together, because he’ll be damned if he doesn’t make the most out of being with you in every way he can. 
S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)
Joel is a 50 year old man, and his body has limitations. He definitely can’t go as many rounds as you likely could - even though there’s only a few years between you. 
He does have his good days, though, and when he’s been in Jackson and off of patrol or scouting routes, and hasn’t had to be on a saddle or doing physical labor for a couple days in a row, there’s the possibility of three rounds within the same night - but it’s rare. And to be honest, you don’t really have time for that too often, so it’s not a big deal. 
Joel coming twice a night is more on par for him, but there’s usually plenty of time between rounds - maybe a quick break for something to eat or to talk or to take care of some sort of mundane chore around the house … and usually, when you go for round two, it’s you that comes first - because he can always make you come more than once, and even if it ends up that he doesn’t get off a second time? It’s not a big deal as long as you’re satisfied. 
Joel doesn’t immediately go for straight up sex, so it feels like it’s lasting much longer than it really does, because he wants to make you - and himself - feel good first. And when you’re taken care of, he really feels good, so he has no problem spending time getting you worked up before the actual act. 
T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)
If someone found batteries, and offered them to either of you, he wouldn’t waste batteries on toys, and you probably wouldn’t either. You need them for much more important things like flashlights and radios. But when he finds out that you do have a little something that isn’t battery operated, he’s intrigued - and turned on. 
You’d always been honest and open with him, even before the two of you were anything, but the subject of whether or not you owned any sex toys hadn’t ever come up… until he walked in on you using one of them. 
He’d come over to your apartment to fix something for you - a tree branch had come down during a storm and damaged a screen and a pane of glass in one of your front windows, and while he was fixing it, you’d excused yourself to “give him space” about fifteen minutes after he’d started the task. 
And when he’d finished - popping the screen in and then re-aligning the new window pane in the track, he’d wandered down the hallway toward your room, meaning to tell you that he was done and you could head over to Tommy and Maria’s with him for dinner. 
But when he peeked into your room, he found you laying on your bed, head pressed into your pillow, eyes closed with one hand pushing the material of your underwear to the side and the other working a silicone toy into yourself at a slow - but steady - pace. 
He immediately got hard, his mouth dropping open as you continued, and before he could speak to tell you that he was there, his name dropped from your lips, little more than a breathy moan. 
You bit down on your lip and widened the spread of your legs before arching your back just enough to give you a different angle and then you moaned again, releasing your lip before you pressed them together  to stifle the sound. “You don’t haveta pretend if you don’t want to. I’m right here.” 
He spoke and you reacted immediately - opening your eyes and gasping, the fingers wrapped around the base of the toy tightening, though you didn’t completely stop moving it. “I thought I…” You shuddered and hummed again, closing your eyes. “Thought I could finish before -” 
He stepped into the room, keeping his eyes on you as he moved closer to the bed. Joel realized that his hands were clenching into loose fists over and over, the front of his jeans tight as he watched you and the silicone, the surface of it glistening with your slick. “Before what?” 
“Before you were done with the window.” You swallowed hard, panting as you locked eyes with him. “I knew we had to leave soon, and watching you with those fucking tools got to me, Joel.” You shook your head. “I was fine until you rolled up your sleeves.” 
He laughed, the sound quiet as he sat down on the edge of the bed next to you. “Sorry ‘bout that.” Joel raised an eyebrow, tongue poking into his cheek. “You wanna finish with that thing, or do you want the real thing?” 
“I …” You sighed, lips curving up into a smile. “How about you help me finish with this?” He didn’t reply right away, and when, a few seconds later, he felt your fingers wrap around his wrist, tugging his hand between your legs, he groaned out your name, upper lip curling slightly. “You do that and I’ll have a hand free, Joel.” 
As soon as he touched the silicone you let go of his wrist, bringing your hand up and over his thigh, the weight of it coming to rest against the bulge beneath his zipper. You flexed your fingertips gently - though the pressure was enough to make him hiss as he adjusted his position and scooted closer to you. 
“Sounds like you like that idea.” You paused, turning your head to press your cheek against the pillow, and then looked up at him through your lashes. “Feels like it, too.”
Joel didn’t reply - but when he began to move the toy in and out of you slowly, you smiled again, closing your eyes and sighing before trailing your fingers up and grasping his zipper between them.
U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)
He likes to tease, but is incapable of holding out for too long, especially when it’s been a little while since the two of you have been together. He’s definitely down to have a little fun with it especially when he knows how much it’s going to rile you up, though.
A couple of the things that he does that you love? 
 - Walking up behind you and putting his hands on your waist before he leans forward to look over your shoulder at whatever it is you’re doing. 
- Leaning over and whispering into your ear, his hand on your knee or thigh and just barely squeezing. 
- Pulling away after a few minutes of kissing or touching, and making you reach for him, or attempt to follow the movement with your lips or body. 
- You like it when he draws attention to the stuff you’re doing to try and get his attention. (“Hey, you’re wearin’ that shirt you know I like. You must want somethin’” or “Hmm, makin’ all this food for dinner … you got somethin’ you’re trying to apologize for?” “Can’t believe you’re still sittin’ so close to me, we’ve been together all day/it’s real hot out etc) 
- You both like to tease each other, but Joel does it without even realizing it sometimes. Him simply existing and doing mundane things is a tease to you, and the first time you told him this, he didn’t believe you. 
Specifically, the way you freeze when he pushes his sleeves back or rolls them up. You love the way the material stretches over his forearm and the way the tendons in his fingers flex as he wraps them around his wrist. You can’t take your eyes off off him when you see that one or more of the buttons of his shirts have come undone, those little peeks of his tanned skin making you forget just about everything that you need to or should be doing. 
And you’ve also accused him of teasing when he hums or sings under his breath, guitar nowhere in sight. This didn’t happen much until a few months after he and Ellie arrived in Jackson, but the longer they’ve been there, the more common it gets. You love hearing the words from his lips and watching the way his tongue darts out to wet them while he’s working on some sort of project in the workshop or while he’s busy in the yard or around Jackson. 
But the thing about Joel teasing you is that he never leaves you hanging - it always leads somewhere - and that somewhere is a place that you both like very much. 
V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)
Joel isn’t loud - but he’s vocal. There are lots of grunts and groans, and he’s not afraid to tell you what he wants you to do or when he likes something that you’re doing. 
He’s always been vocal - but it took him a long time to come to terms with the fact that he didn’t have to whisper anymore - that there was no need to be as quiet as possible because someone was in the next room, or something could burst into the room and kill both of you without warning. 
The longer Joel’s in Jackson, the louder he gets, and the more he says in bed - and it’s another way that both of you gauge his comfort level. 
But there are times when he’s almost completely silent - the only sounds he makes swallowed by your kiss or being uttered directly against your skin, more breaths than anything else. 
And there are also times when it’s not the volume of what he’s saying but the actual words he’s whispering into your ear or panting against your throat. It’s the way those words trail off into a broken groan or moan, the sound of your name coming out and confirming that the man is wrecked, barely holding it together. 
It’s a side of him that he kept hidden for twenty years - the confirmation that someone else could force that kind of reaction from him, the admission that you have that kind of effect on him - it’s dangerous and he knows it, but in those moments, he doesn’t care, because it feels good to let go, it feels good to let someone in - to let you know that you’re responsible for that reaction from him and those sounds and the emotion he can’t keep hidden. 
It’s not theatrics or screaming and yelling - it’s not even outright moaning, but you definitely get Joel to make some noises that he forgot he was capable of. 
W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)
The best sex that Joel ever had was before the outbreak and while he and Tommy were riding their motorcycles across the country, while Sarah spent a few weeks with her grandparents. 
He met a woman in a bar just outside of Nashville. They had a couple drinks before she beckoned him to follow her into the back hallway of the bar where they’d made out for almost fifteen minutes … and after he’d explained what was going on (that he and Tommy were staying in the same room so there’d be no privacy) she took him back to her apartment, took the lead, and they fucked until the sun came up. 
He was 24 - and she was a little older, but Joel appreciated her confidence and straightforward nature. Her name was Shannen, she had a bright red streak in her dark hair, and according to what he told Tommy a few days later while they stopped in Illinois on their way to Chicago, she’d done things to him that he hadn’t even known possible before that night.
They hadn’t exchanged phone numbers or anything, so he’d had no way of getting back into touch with her, but Joel thought about that woman for years after they said goodbye that morning, Shannen walking him to the door with nothing but a pair of underwear sitting low on her hips, her hair thrown back and up into a messy bun. 
And even though they only had that one night, Joel took what had happened with the woman and used it moving forward - taking cues from the way she’d approached him, propositioned him and then spoken to him in bed - and gave himself permission to let loose and enjoy being in the moment - and open - with the women that came after her in his life. 
It was the freest and happiest that Joel had been up and to that point in his life (at least when it came to being with a woman) and he carried the memory of Shannen with him for years - he even thought of her long after the outbreak. 
But it wasn’t until he was back in Jackson and he saw you letting loose with friends for the first time - you and Maria and some of the other women in town celebrating that a longtime resident had successfully (and safely) given birth to twins - that Joel thought of her again. 
It wasn’t that the situation reminded him of Shannen - but it was the way you caught his eye from across the bar, the happiness in them morphing in an instant to desire, the easygoing grin on your lips turning into something devastating in mere seconds. He’d known you for the better part of a year at that point, but in that single look, it was like he was seeing you for the first time all over again.
It had been him that crossed the room toward you, beckoning you from your seat with one large palm extended and an eyebrow cocked below the fringe of his messy hair. And you’d followed, Joel’s hand nearly swallowing yours while the two of you made your way down the hallway and toward the back exit before stopping and into the mostly empty office, you reaching behind you to pull the door shut. 
“What’s going on, Joel?” Back pressed against the wooden door, you stared at him. “I didn’t think you’d be here tonight, Maria said you and Tommy were -” 
“Come home with me.” He stepped forward, crowding you against the door. “I know you’re celebratin’ but -”
“Right now?” He felt your hands on his hips, fingers  sliding beneath the bottom of his sweatshirt and resting just under the hem of his t-shirt, against the skin. “It’s early, Joel. Maria worked out a deal with Seth, and we get to drink for free until -” 
“Doesn’t have to be right now, but …” He paused, taking a deep breath and raising his hands, both palms moving up and over your sides before they dropped again to settle at your hips. “No, you know what? Yeah. I want it to be now.” He wet his lips, still staring at you. “Come home with me right now. I’ve gotta go on guard duty in the mornin’ so I don’t have much … can’t be a late night.” 
“What’s gotten into you, Joel?” It was a question but he could hear in your voice that you were already convinced and just playing with him, drawing the moment out longer. “This isn’t… you’re never like this.” 
“I’m not.” One of Joel’s hands was running up and over your arm, his knuckles gliding over the thin material of your shirtsleeve. “Haven’t been in a long time, but tonight, I … wanted to try somethin’ new.” 
The words hung heavy between the two of you, Joel waiting to see what you’d decide - and when you leaned forward, pressing a kiss to the side of his neck, a breath escaping through your nose - he was relieved to hear what you said next though it wasn’t a total surprise. 
“We should take advantage of it, then.” You pulled one hand back, lifting it to push your fingers through his hair, moving it away from his forehead. “I’ll go home with you, Joel, if that’s what you want. But…” Biting your lip, you leaned in, tilting your head to one side so that you could speak into his ear. “But we don’t have to go home yet, do we?” You paused, backing off so that you could look up at him. “The door locks, and…” 
That was all he needed to hear - and even though he knew you, and there was no possibility of you being a one night stand, he spent the next thirty minutes letting himself get lost in you … and in the thrill of doing something new.  
X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)
Joel’s big but not massive. He’s well endowed to the point where you need to prep for him, and if you don’t you’re definitely sore the next day. Even if you do give yourself some time to get ready, you can still sometimes feel it later…  but he’s not leaving you sore every single time the two of you are together, especially if it’s slow, sleepy sex. 
You can’t fit all of him into your mouth, and you (and he) like when you use two hands - one to hold the base of him, the other to stroke along his length, or when you use your hand and your mouth at the same time, covering as much as possible. 
He curves slightly to the right. 
Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)
Joel’s making up for lost time, so it’s pretty high, but it’s not unreasonably high, all things considered. 
As a 50 year old man that’s had multiple lifetimes worth of stress in a very short time, it takes a lot for him to truly let go. Sex is one of the times he just shuts his brain off - if he could physically do it, he’d have sex more often just for the break from being inside his own head, but he can’t. 
He likes intimacy - especially now that he’s not questioning it - and yearns for that more than he yearns for sex. But he’d never admit that to ANYONE - even you… at least at first.
It used to be backwards - he was using sex to fill in the void of loneliness, even though it only helped for a few minutes at a time. He’d be so focused on when and how he could reach that point again that it consumed him in the lead up to sex, but now … as much as he enjoys the way it feels when he comes, or when he can feel your chest heaving against his, or when your breaths are shallow and little more than panting or quiet gasps, it’s what comes after that he truly looks forward to. 
He wants to feel you in his arms. He wants to feel the warmth and comfort of the bed and the quiet darkness when it’s just the two of you, speaking in hushed voices and sharing random pieces of yourselves. 
He wants to feel the way your hand pushes underneath his shirt when you’re finally laying down and ready for sleep - your palm warm against the center of his chest, fingers splayed to touch as much of him as you can. 
Joel wants to relive the moments when you’re stroking over his beard or scraping your fingers through the tangled curls of his hair over and over again, the quiet hum of your agreement when he tells you that he likes it and then you reply “yeah, Joel, I do too.” 
More than yearning for sex and physicality, he yearns for as close to a normal life as he believes is possible, and with you - in Jackson - he thinks he might have finally found it against all odds. 
Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)
This depends on a few things, like how rambunctious the two of you were, or if it’s the first time in a night or a subsequent one. 
It also depends on how tired he was beforehand, or how sore his body is from the day to day work he’s responsible for. Usually, he likes to talk for a little while, but sometimes he’ll just pass out almost immediately after he’s caught his breath. While there’s no real rhyme or reason to when this happens, there are certain days when you can just feel that when you’re done and cleaned up and redressed, it’s going to be an early night, that there won’t be that much pillow talk or a long period of wakefulness.
It’s usually never more than 15 or 20 minutes, though. And on the rare occasion he does make it that long or longer, you’re usually the one nodding off first, which is perfectly fine for him because it helps to reaffirm that it is safe and you are safe and you feel safe with him in such a vulnerable state.
And on the nights when you’re asleep before him, he does what he did the night at the cabins for as long as he can keep himself awake for: watching you and trying to understand how and why he deserves someone like you in his life. 
But Joel also understands that even in the safety of Jackson, sleep - and sleeping well are luxuries, and he’s not going to waste the opportunity to get a few extra minutes of rest especially when he can doze off holding you tight against his chest - and wake up to the same.
--- 
tag list reblog coming soon! 
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wardenannie · 8 months
Note
Prompt: Joel being the one to notice Tess is pregnant (bonus if she's in denial)
Juicy!!!
_
For a long time he believes she has contracted a wasting illness. The vomiting is the most unpleasant and obvious sign. But her cheeks begin to hollow, deep circles form under her eyes. At night she dreams vividly, sweating cold and thrashing in the sheets.
Tess refuses to allow him to take her to the clinic, strong-willed creature that she is, and he is left at a loss for what to do. He brings a doctor to her once, and she promptly and rudely throws the woman out of their home, refusing to be seen.
She is the love of his life, has been his world since the QZ. Jackson has been good to them, for them. They wear rings now, though they never had a ceremony.
Its a clean place, sanitary enough. How did she pick up a wasting disease here of all places? How is no one else sick? Perhaps she picked it up during their travels, and it simply chose now to manifest. Now that they are happy. Content. In love. Fate would be so cruel.
The sex comes less often now, not that Joel really cares. He's a grown man who can tend to his own urges and he's more worried about his wife's health than his cock. But Tess murmurs in her sleep, shoves pillows between her knees. Wearing panties she leaves wet spots more often than not, and Joel wonders why she doesn't ask for his help.
Her style of clothing begins to change. Most days she steals one of his shirts; big flannels that swallow up her diminutive frame. It's like she's hiding her body, even from herself. Outside of showering she never takes them off.
Then one day he joins her in the shower. Secretive, hoping to surprise her with some pleasant morning affection, he sneaks into the bathroom as she hums a gentle tune beneath the falling water. The patter of the droplets conceals his footsteps, and by the time she realizes she isn't alone he has already stepped into the bathtub behind her.
"Joel!" She exclaims, spinning to face him and throwing up her hands in surprise.
He goes stock still. Frozen despite the heat and steam that fills the tiny bathroom.
She is so thin. So horrifically thin. But her belly...
"Holy fuck, Tess," he gasps more than speaks her name. He is horrified, terrified by what has become of her. He can count her ribs, see the jut of her collarbone. But her belly...
She's round there, in her middle. Ballooned outward. Her appearance exaggerated by the decay of her body around her center.
"Don't look," her voice is tremulous. "Just leave and pretend you didn't-
"Tessa," he takes a step toward her, grabs her by her thin shoulders. "Tess you're pregnant. You're dyin'"
He's never heard of pregnancy doing this to a woman. It was supposed to make then fat and round and glowy, not skeletal and hollow.
"Just turn around and go, Joel. I'm not pregnant I'm just sick," her voice is hoarse with something like grief.
"Tess-
"Go!"
"I ain't going anywhere until you tell me what the fuck is goin' on, woman!" He shouts, and she stands up to him, squaring off with him despite her diminished body.
Her teeth are bared, eyes wild, like a cornered animal, "I'm taking care of things, Joel. Let me do what I have to do."
Joel nearly falls to his knees, he grabs her wrists, pulls her flush to his body. It has been months since he has felt her this close. Her belly, round with their child, bumps his middle and he feels the beat of a tiny foot press through her to him. It feels like a cry for help.
"Whataya think you're doin', Tess?" His eyes are wet, voice haggard and desperate, "Starvin' yourself like this... keepin' it a secret from me-
"I'm not pregnant," she insists, deluded eyes flashing. "I'm not. I can't be. All the times we fucked up back in the QZ and I never got pregnant."
"This ain't the QZ!" His hands drop her wrists and his arms wind protectively around her body. He holds her close as he cries softly into her hair, filled with rage and sadness both. He feels their baby kick and roll between them, active despite Tess's efforts.
Tess inhales sharply when he moves his hand to cup her middle, voice ragged with grief, "Oh God, Tessa, baby..."
She sniffs, voice weak, small, pathetic, "I'm not... I'm not..."
Joel's words crack as he speaks, "You are. You're far enough along that I can fell the little thing kickin', Tessa. We need to see a doctor."
"No," she whimpers, and she hides her face against his neck. The spray is turning cool now, cold droplets mingling with their tears. "Please Joel I can't do this. Please just... just..."
He turns off the water and lifts Tess into his arms, carrying her out of the tub. He towels her off as she trembles not from the cold, but from fear.
He doesn't know what to think. What to feel. That Tess would go so far to kill their baby in the womb. Their baby.
"Just what, baby? What is it?" He asks, words exacerbated by his distress. His wife is dying. Their baby is in imminent danger.
"Just let me die, Joel."
He freezes, stock still. Unable to fully comprehend the words that she has spoken for a long, painful moment. Then he is pulling her into his arms, crushing her to his bare chest, kissing her wet hair with desperate fervor.
She hasn't been starving herself to kill their baby. He realizes.
Tess has been starving herself to end her own life in the most brutal, slow, bitter way she could imagine.
"Oh God, Tessa," he hits his knees, taking her down with him. He hides his face in her hair and weeps openly. Tess is very still, saying nothing.
"You're pregnant," he exhales raggedly. "Why did you hide this from me? Why do you wanna leave me?"
"I don't..." she hiccups, "I don't..."
Slowly, her hands move to cup his shoulders as they heave with his sobs. Between them the baby is active, kicking and rolling like they sense their mother's pain, hear their father's cries.
"You can't leave me," Joel begs. "Tess you're my- I can't lose you."
Her lips tremble, eyes glassy, "I- I'm sorry."
Joel pulls her into a ferocious kiss, tasting of salty tears.
How long has is been since he had kissed her, his wife. How has he let this happen to her? How has he left her so insecure that she would rather waste away than bring his child into the world?
This is his fault, somehow. He knows it. Somehow, he has done this to her.
When they part he reaches for her face, holding her hollow cheeks between his wide palms. He forces her to meet his eyes, "You are everything, Tess. And I will be with you every second until this baby is born and every day after."
Finally, she breaks, hiccuping on a pained sound, she ducks to hide her face in his bare chest. He holds her tight, feels their baby move between them. Kisses her hair.
"I will never leave you," he continues. "And I'll do my damndest not to hurt ya neither... I love you. I love you so much it fuckin' kills me, Tess."
Tess trembles all over, clinging to him. They are both quiet for a long moment before she whispers, soft and unsure, "...take me to the clinic..."
Joel sniffs, swallowing down all of his agony, and helps Tess to her feet. He helps her dress in one of his big flannels and a comfortable pair of sweats with a stretchy waist.
He dresses himself.
Before they step over the threshold out into the bitter cold of the Wyoming winter he catches Tess by her wrist, tugging her back into his chest.
"Promise me," he says. "Promise me you won't ever try to leave me again."
She stands on her toes and kisses him, hazel eyes shining.
"I promise."
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hypnotisedfireflies · 4 months
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I loved Tommy and Maria’s instalment of your advent stories. It was a great peek at their relationship and Tommy’s backstory. I always enjoy your Tommy POV.
Do you think you’ll ever write something/ tell us more about Tess’ arrival in Jackson? Tess and Tommy reunion, Tess meeting Maria and her first thoughts of Jackson etc. and Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but it’d be interesting (and by that I mean potentially deliciously angsty) to hear about Tommy’s thought process when he finds out Tess is alive, especially now we’ve had his take on Joel’s headspace as he heads out with Ellie. Sending Tess after Joel would definitely give him the fight to make it back, but obviously he chooses to keep Tess safe and hide the truth from her.
(I’d also love some more insight into Tess’ thoughts without Joel between Dawn and Dusk if you were ever up to telling us about it)
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Hi anon, happy holidays!
Thanks for your comments on Hot Ashes for Trees, I really appreciate it. I had so much I wanted to say in a Tommy/Maria story, given I have not really gone there much. I tried a more upbeat direction in the first draft before completely changing direction. There's just so much I'd like to explore in his voice.
(In a day or so, there's another advent fic in his voice that is also super angsty, so I hope you like that one, too!)
I would love to traverse your scenario in more detail. I think there's so much there to tackle - Tess and Tommy not having seen one another in so long, not sure how the other has changed and what kind of people they are now.
Tommy choosing not to tell Tess by how narrow a margin she missed Joel by is definitely him trying to come good on the whole "if something happens to her, it's on you" bit. Right or wrong, Tommy bears a lot of guilt for being the reason of leaving the safety of the Mountains in Dawn.
I think Tommy and Tess would pick up again pretty quickly. But it does take Maria and Tess a long time to find their way with each other. I think - when I look at my timeline here - it's about two years before they are really, properly friends. There's a lot of reasons for that and I really would love to explore these in a fic next year.
You might all be sick of me by then, though!
And it would be absolutely angsty, anon. Angst Cake. Angst Pie. Angst Pudding. So many opportunities to delve into Tommy's trauma, Tess's impatience and growing anxiety while she's forced to sit and wait ... yes.
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jksprincess10 · 8 months
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Dressed for revenge 12. Two ghosts standing in the place of you and me
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CW: talks of death and murder ig??,  Joel and Ghost being Ellie’s parents, angst, religious trauma, low self confidence, FLUFF, dysphoria, humping, shame. 
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17th of December 2023, community of Jackson
Ellie, Joel and Ghost were sitting in the living room like a little family. 
Outside, the snow was falling in slow-motion.
Inside, the fire was burning vividly in the fireplace.
“Ellie, we were thinkin’…you should know everythin’ before you think about meeting with the fireflies. Tommy did some diggin’ through his contacts… he thinks they’re in Salt Lake City. There’s a lot of them there… They have a hospital…”
 “That’s good, isn’t it?” She asks with hope.
Ghost puts a reassuring hand on Ellie’s knee. In just a few days living in Jackson, they had more color to their face, and they smiled more.
“Yes… and no. Ellie, they… they don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. The hospital is probably run-down and barely usable. If there was a cure, there would’ve been one a long time ago. Plus… the cordyceps grow in the brain, which means…” Ghost says.
“Which means they’ll kill me.” Ellie completes.
“With no way of knowin’ if this is gonna do anything in the end.” Joel states. “I was gonna do it for Tess.” The name burns his tongue and his heart. 
Ghost wants to ask.
Tess.
Before.
 But they stay silent.
“Made me promise. But things changed, kid. We changed.”
“And we can’t just bring you to your death without you knowing what will happen.”
Ellie looks paralyzed. Ghost just wishes she would say something. Anything.
“I… I need time.”
Before Joel and Ghost can say anything, Ellie climbs up the stairs and disappears in her bedroom. They hear the door closing, then complete silence. Joel gets up, but Ghost holds his hand to keep him there.
“Give her space, Joel.”
Someone knocks on the door. Joel opens it to reveal Maria standing in the doorway, bundled up in a warm winter coat. 
“Oh, hi. I was going to show our new nurse where they will work.” Maria says with a bright smile.
They told Maria and Tommy they would help in any way they can; Ghost would help with first aid, occasionally patrol and Joel would hunt and patrol.
“Sorry, I know I was supposed to meet you! Wait outside, I’ll be there in a sec.” Ghost says, trying to reciprocate the smile. They were trying really hard to be nice to her, but they didn’t like what she said about Joel. She made him seem like he was controlling his brother.
He did bad things, too, and brought Tommy along…
Ghost gets up and wraps their arms around Joel’s neck.
“Good luck on patrol, be safe.” Joel nods. “I’ll see you later.”
“You know I always am. See you later, darlin’.” Joel leans down to leave a kiss on their lips. 
17th of December 2023, evening, community of Jackson
When Ghost comes back from their first shift as a community nurse, they immediately climb up the stairs to see if Ellie was still hiding in her room. They knock softly on the door.
“Els, it’s G. Do you want to help with the dinner, so I don’t burn the place down?” Quietly, she opens her door. Her eyes are red and puffy. “We don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, okay?”
Ellie nods, and follows Ghost down the stairs. They both cut the vegetables in silence for a while, before the teenager opens her mouth.
“I want to help people… But shit, I don’t want to die. ”
“Both valid points.” Ghost agrees with a slight smile. “But what if… it changes nothing in the end? We’re not in a movie. You’re not Jesus.” They say to lighten the mood.
Ellie chuckles weakly.
“But what if I am Jesus?”
“Then I’d be mad at you for all my religious trauma.”
Ellie cringes. “Fair.”
“Look, Els… I can just say that I don’t wanna lose you. We just… we want you to be happy. That’s all. You deserve it. And the fireflies can’t decide your faith. No one can but you. But whatever decision you make… we will support you through it. I promise.”
Ghost abandons the vegetables in the boiling water.
“G, what do you think death feels like? Do you believe there’s anything after this? Light at the end of the tunnel or whatever shit people say?” Ellie sits on the counter as she watches Ghost cooking.
“I think death is just… darkness. I don’t believe there’s anything after this. We can’t just live and hope for salvation and for an after. There’s no after. There’s just… now. When I thought I was gonna die… I just saw black. That’s all.”
As they talk, the door opens on a freezing Joel, snow still clinging to his rebellious curls.
“Rabbit’s out of her hole?” He says as he sees Ellie.
“Yep, I told her I’d burn the house down accidently if she didn’t help me cook.” Ghost says with a devilish smile.
Joel gets rid of his thick coat and boots, before meeting the duo in the kitchen. “You know darlin’ I can cook too… I don’t wanna… put you in gender roles or anythin’…”
“How progressive of you.” Ghost says as they grab Joel’s flannel shirt to bring him closer for a kiss. His lips are cold and chapped from his prolonged stay outside. “You can cook tomorrow. Go warm up by the fire.”
Ellie barely acknowledges Joel other than a nod. It seemed like she was only comfortable talking to Ghost, rightfully so. The older man was pretty bad with words and reassurance.
**
“Do you want to… take a bath with me?” Ghost asks tentatively to their lover.
The luxury of a bathtub had to be used and abused. The luxury of human warmth as well.
“Only if you’re… comfortable.”
“Yes. Wanna be close to you. Please?” When Joel nods with a slight smile, Ghost grabs his big hand and disappears with him in the spacious bathroom. Ellie had returned to her room, to do some introspection – and probably some healthy crying.
The older man closes and locks the door and turns around to look down at Ghost almost nervously.
“We don’t have to look at each other.” They say as they lean down beside the bath to let the warm water fill the bathtub. They didn’t think Joel would be as self-conscious as them in this situation.
They hear a long sigh, and clothes falling on the floor. When they hear Joel getting closer to the bath, they close their eyes and turn around to give him some privacy while he submerges his body in the water.
“Okay, you’re good, darlin’. I’ll close my eyes and you can get in.”
Ghost undresses silently and sits carefully between Joel’s muscular, and slightly hairy thighs. They turn off the faucet when the water reaches a sufficient height.
They turn their head slightly to look at Joel’s peaceful face, and he opens his eyes, unveiling beautiful brown irises.
“Hi.” Ghost says awkwardly.
“Hi darlin’.” Joel chuckles and wraps his arms around their tattooed chest. They feel so small compared to him. In their head, Ghost was invincible. But when they were secluded in Joel’s warmth, they were fragile and needed to be protected. There was this aura around him, the one of a protector. And their need to be protected was instinctive, primal. 
“What’s goin’ on in that pretty head of yours, hm?” He asks after a moment of silence, his lips leaving soft trails of love on their lover’s neck. Goosebumps make the small hairs on their skin rise.
“Just thinking about how I feel in your arms.”
“Hmhm?”
“Good. But fragile.” They say with a light chuckle. Ghost’s long fingers caress Joel’s strong arms.
“You’re the strongest person I know.” He reassures them sincerely.  “I might be stronger physically, but…you’re strong in here.” He says as he points to their head.
“Thank you… ”  They smile, let the words sit. Silence has the time to settle before they speak again. “Joel? Why don’t you… rarely say my name?”
Joel shrugs and takes a moment to think.
“Don’t wanna be rude. But I don’t like the name you chose for yourself.”
Playfully, they pinch the skin on his arm. “Rude. Why?”
“Because, you ain’t no ghost, baby… ” He says as his hands caress their arms. “You’re flesh and bones. You’re real. You’re warm.”
“After… Wyatt killed our parents on Outbreak day, I was never the same.” Joel listens, taking in every piece of their story they’re willing to give him. He knows how hard it is to share pain. “So as I grew… I never felt like I was… alive after that. We were just two ghosts wandering to find our place.”
“But don’t you feel alive now?”
“More and more every day.” They smile softly.
“So… Why don’t we find another name that sounds right? Masculine and feminine at the same time, a strong name…”
“Got it. Call me boo!” They exclaim with a laugh.
“God. No. Never, darlin’. There’s a limit to what I can handle.”
They hear Joel’s laugh, a loud, genuine sound.
“We’ll find something else.”
“Hmhm.” Joel agrees. His robust hands grab the soap, lather the lavender scented bar in his palms, before starting to wash every part of Ghost that was accessible to him. They lean into his touch, starved for love and affection.
“Fuck, sorry.” Joel says suddenly as he feels his blood rushing south.
Ghost laughs, amused at his physical reaction. “Guess it just confirms that you’re attracted to me.” When they turn around to look at him, his cheeks are turning red.
“You thought I wasn’t?”
“I just thought… I was missing too many parts for you to find me attractive.”
Slowly, Ghost turns around and climbs on Joel’s lap, feeling how hard he is against their thigh. Joel shakes his head and puts his hands flat on his lover’s chest.
“You’re badass. It’s… different, for sure. But you didn’t have a choice. Can’t hol’ that against you.”
“Different is good?”
“Different is good.” He confirms. With a smirk, they lean down and latch their lips onto his, starting soft and slow. Joel’s hands take place on their waist as he deepens the kiss, tongue sneaking in his darling’s mouth.
Kissing Joel was overwhelming, like their body was on fire and every lick just fed their alight senses, making the fire consume everything in its way. Ghost lets him invade every part of their mouth. Heat is building up in their stomach; a new sensation to feel with a man, and without even noticing, their body moves on its own; their hips grinding on Joel, creating a pleasing friction. Joel whimpers in their mouth. Ghost curses under their breath, they didn’t think something so primal and sinful would feel so good.
Sin.
Lust.
Desire.
You cannot want pleasure. 
You don’t deserve it.
The waves stop when realizations take ahold of them. They distance themself from Joel, taking over the other side of the bath, their cheeks heated.
“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”
Joel leans more in the bathtub, broad shoulders sinking in the water. His strong hand circles his erected cock. “It’s okay darlin’, I’ll just… take care of this. God, you’re so fuckin’ beautiful.” He says, like it pains him.
They stay fixated for a moment on the thickness of him ; their mind flooding with unholy images of him filling them up and fixing all of their broken pieces.
Joel doesn’t move, doesn’t look at them, cheeks still red from embarrassment.
“Oh fuck, sorry, I’ll… I’ll give you some space.” With that, they get up and step out of the bathtub. They quickly wrap their wet body in a fluffy towel and leave to their room.
There, they dry up, and they finally take the time to look at their body. They never thought of it as a possible object of desire – except with her, and they felt almost… shameful.
July 2015, The Haven
“You’re so beautiful.” A quiet whisper in the night from the night between their opened thighs as their head is looking up at the stars, counting them in silence.
Their white linen pants were discarded to the side, and her beautiful head of blonde hair was between their parted thighs. They whimper softly when her tongue circles their small bud of pleasure. They almost can’t take it, the building fire their stomach transforms in an explosion as they wet their lips as quietly as possible.
“My turn now.” Ghost whispers, hands sliding under the white dress of the angel, finding her perky breasts to caress them. 
They almost miss their past body, that way, she could use it.
Hiding on the side of the church, he watches, a sinister expression on his face.
 She will repent.
How dare you.
You cannot want pleasure. 
You don’t deserve it.
17th of December 2023, evening, community of Jackson
Ghost wraps their body in a blanket, and they try to find sleep while waiting for Joel. But their mind wanders, fighting the voices calling them sinful.
But soon enough, Joel calms them with soft words, apologies, and tight embraces.
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justagalwhowrites · 5 months
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Most people nowadays write Jackson Joel but I fucking love QZ Joel and you just write him so so fucking perfect!!!
I 100% believe Joel could’ve and would’ve been soft and loving with the person he cares about during that time and I love seeing people explore QZ Joel and actually make him feel the feelings he’s so scared about.
And you’re such an amazing writer and write Joel so well anyway. I absolutely love it and I loved the last one. Him realising it’s not her fault because he never told her and looking for her and not letting anything get in his way… absolute chefs kiss 👌🏻
OMG Hi Bestie!
I love QZ Joel. I clearly love Jackson, Joel, too (see: Yearling) but QZ Joel FASCINATES me. My next TLOU outbreak storyline fic will be QZ Joel. I haven't mapped it out yet, I don't know if will end before Ellie or not yet, but I have a concept for it and I just love QZ Joel, OK? He's amazing.
I'm so torn on QZ Joel, I feel like he would have such a hard time really loving someone without really being pushed into it but Joel is, at his core, a person who has a tendency to get really attached to the people he cares about. I think he's constantly at war with himself before Ellie. He was with her, too, until he just couldn't be anymore. But with Tess, for example, he clearly cared about her very very deeply but (in the show) she even says she never asked him to feel how she felt. I think he's just too traumatized to let himself go that last step with someone until he's all but forced into it even though that goes against his nature. That was the crux of his issue in Lavender, some part of his subconscious mind sees love as a risk to his own life. He loved Sarah so much, he lost Sarah, it made him try to kill himself because he couldn't cope with it. There's that animalistic hind brain that now goes "love that can be lost = death" and is going to put up every possible roadblock to protect him from it. But he's a lover and protector at his core.
I JUST LOVE HIM OK??
Thank you so much for reading! I'm so happy you enjoyed it!!
Love you!!
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heartpascal · 1 year
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i have done it 😎
LOCK IT WHEN YOU LEAVE
(reader)
• all eyes on me - bo burnham
"you say the ocean's rising like i give a shit,
you say the whole world's ending, honey, it already did,
you're not gonna slow it, heaven knows you tried."
• love in the dark - adele
"please, stay where you are,
don't come any closer,
don't try to change my mind,
i'm being cruel to be kind."
• empty space - james arthur
"and i won't hear it,
whenever anybody says your name,
and i won't feel it,
even when i'm bursting into flames."
• soon you'll get better - taylor swift
"you'll get better soon,
'cause you have to."
• set fire to the rain - adele
"'cause there's a side to you,
that i never knew, never knew,
all the things you'd say,
they were never true, never true."
• war of hearts - ruelle
"i can't help but love you,
even though i try not to."
• king - lauren aquilina
"you're alone,
you're on your own,
so what? have you gone blind?
have you forgotten what you have and what is yours?"
"you don't get what all this is about,
you're too wrapped up in your self-doubt,
you've got that young blood, set it free."
(joel)
• home - cavetown
"get a load of this monster,
he doesn't know how to communicate,
his mind is in a different place,
will everybody please give him a little bit of space?"
• slipping through my fingers - abba
"the feeling that i'm losing her forever,
and without really entering her world."
• the night we met - lord huron
"take me back to the night we met,
i don't know what i'm supposed to do,
haunted by the ghost of you."
• i'll be good - jaymes young
"i never meant to start a fire,
i never meant to make you bleed."
"for all of the light that i shut out,
for all of the innocent things that i doubt,
for all of the bruises i've caused and the tears,
for all of the things that i've done."
(eliie and reader confrontation)
• my goodbye - jorge rivera-herrans
"i just like you, why should i be surprised,
selfish and prideful and vain,
unlike you, everytime someone dies,
i'm left to deal with the strain."
"one day, you'll hear what i'm saying,
one day, you might understand,
one day, but not today."
(tess)
• wings - birdy
"we watch the day go by,
illuminates our skin,
it made me think of you."
• i miss you, i'm sorry - gracie abrams
"nothing happened in the way i wanted,
every corner of this house is haunted,
and i know you said that we're not talking,
but i miss you, i'm sorry."
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HOWL YOU ARE KILLING ME HERE.
it’s not fair bc i’m the one emant to cause pain ehre NOT BE THE SUFFERER OF PAIN!!! also the way i was shocked, flabbergasted, bamboozled by the inclusion of tess??? MY HEART.
also idc i’m gonna say it ehre and link it to the part 3 anyway. THE READER AND ELLIE CONFRONTATION ONE IS SO SO GOOD. i’ve seen some people not happy with ellie for her reaction and i just want to say SHE IS VALID!!! READER IS VALID!!!
lets think of everything ellie went through on that journey after leaving jackson. she has been through SO much. and she gets back to jackson, to this actual town, to find the reader there. and the reader is angry? angry for being left in this slice of heaven? for missing out on events that ellie WISHES she could forget? she’s angry and she’s hurting and so is the reader and they’re not understanding each other. they’re not seeing the other’s side of the story.
the first lot of lyrics fit r’s perspective SO WELL in my view too, because to her, ellie hasn’t felt the pain of all those deaths before jackson like she has. especially with tess. it’s not the same. BUT THEN, they also fit so well for ellie, especially in the second half of their journey. I CANT CONTAIN MYSELF WITH THAT SPECIFIC CHOICE. ITS SO INCREDIBLY PERFECT.
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seethesunny · 4 months
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20 questions for fic writers
Tagged my @oliviassunrise. Thank you so much!
1. How many works do you have on AO3?
35!
2. What's your total AO3 word count?
Currently it's 190, 177 but I want to reach 200K words before this year ends hehe
3. What fandoms do you write for?
EAH and TLOU but I'm mostly writing about TLOU these days, since I have to really be deeply invested in something to actually write for it!
4. What are your top five fics by kudos?
1. It is late now, I'm a bit tired; the sky is irritated by stars. (And I love you, I love you, I love you.) - TLOU main Jackson AU series 2. hoax - EAH rapple pain 3. it is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world - TLOU main Jackson AU series part II 4. I was lost within the darkness (until I found you) - TLOU family ficlet collection 5. Let's chase the sun while it still burns for us. - TLOU Canon divergence AU — Tess lives and they can actually lay low kinda a fix it fic
5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?
I do, I know I'm not the best at replying bc I feel like I repeat myself too much, but I need people to know I'm grateful about them reading in any way I can convey that 😭
6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?
If you know me, then you're aware I go full angst mode and I make these poor characters go through hell lol but probs unraveled/undone though because it physically hurted to write it (since the OG ending was more hopeful and the two endings I wrote are so sad)
7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?
I'm delusional enough to say it's Daylight, another Jackson AU where nothing bad ever happens and everyone is happy
8. Do you get hate on fics?
Aside from two snarky comments earlier this year, not that I'm aware of!
9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?
Okay answering this is funny bc contrary to what my archive shows, I rarely can write smut and only when the mood strikes right and I have something to say, I guess 🧍🏽‍♀️which means that it's mostly really bad written kinky smut lol but who will stop me
10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?
Not really, I don't have enough interest in them anymore (but back in 2016 I created one with a friend that involved anime and werewolves. It’s not posted, don’t ask)
11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?
No that I'm aware of! And please don’t do this ever lmaooo
12. Have you ever had a fic translated?
Not yet, but I have considered that maybe I could translate my own stuff to my first language in the future, if you ever want to do it tho I'm open to the idea 👀
13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?
Unfortunately not yet :(( there have been some talks with some writers about the idea but it never happens, and it's unfortunate because I loooove sharing ideas and working together creatively (Koku can agree with me on this, we've created so many things this year)
14. What's your all-time favourite ship?
I have a bunch of them that I cherish with my whole heart but if there’s one that hits all my checkmarks it's Joel/Tess, their ambiguous nature has always been fitting for them and it works wonders to fill in the blanks, and also I've loved them since the beginning lols I'm never making it out of this hell
15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?
Shaking and crying I think it's ALL the multichapter fics I have planned but have no clue how to keep writing 💔💔 in any case it would be Fourth of July (canon divergence au where Ellie is Tess and Joel’s bio kid, she leaves and they reunite when she gets bitten then reconcile in the canon journey)
16. What are your writing strengths?
Maybe that I have versatility? I think I can write about many things and topics efficiently, characterization and that I employ poetry often... I think
17. What are your writing weaknesses?
Would it be wrong to say everything 😭 but joking aside it's definitely dialogue, plot heavy writing and certain genres (action and suspense mostly)
18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?
I encourage it doing proper research + consulting someone who actually speaks the language, so it's authentic! That's what I would do
19. First fandom you wrote for?
Anime fandom who shall never be brought up again.
20. Favourite fic you've ever written?
J&T Ficlet collection because it has some of my best writing and it showcases my style perfectly, I'm glad I got encouraged enough to post it <3
Tagging: @beerandyarn @wardenannie @anne1marie @raffinit @ilovecats491 @thefloatingwriter @mariatesstruther and anyone else who wants to share 🤲🏼❤
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duckydrawsart · 4 years
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remember when p.2
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kiwixlime · 2 years
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Finders Keepers - Chapter Twenty-Three
Warnings: Just pure fluff. Teensy bit of angst. Mostly fluff. We need some sweetness before we get to the salty.
A/N: As always, thank you so much for reading! I appreciate every like, comment, interaction. It makes my day to know people are enjoying this fic. I hope I can continue to do these characters justice. Also, before I forget, I’ve started a taglist! If you’d like to be added, either reply to this post or send me a message and I'll be happy to add you!
Recommended listening for the end of the chapter is Yellow by Coldplay.
It’s a quiet evening at the Miller house. Joel’s in the kitchen cooking up something quick and easy for dinner while Bay sits with Ellie in the dining room, watching the girl sketch a portrait of their favorite man. She smiles as Ellie draws out the intricate details of Joel’s face from the lines around his eyes to the scar on his nose. It’s all done from memory and Bay stares in awe at the talent Ellie possesses.
Each day, it seems like Bay learns something new about the teenager. And each new detail makes their bond grow stronger. The fact that Ellie is so willing to open up about herself is refreshing. She holds nothing back. And it’s so different from the way Bay acts, but even Joel comments that Ellie usually doesn’t open up all that easy. She just really likes Bay.
In fact, Ellie likes Bay so much that she often talks about her adventures with Joel before they arrived in Jackson. The teen doesn’t share that information often. She prefers to keep that part of her life private. But for some reason, with Bay, she tells her all the stories. And Bay loves to hear them. She doesn’t know everything the duo have seen, but she knows they’ve witnessed a lot traveling across the states.
And right now, Ellie is sharing a story Bay has never heard before. The time she and Joel first met. It’s something Bay’s been curious about for months, how the two of them came to be a family, but she never asked either of them, knowing that it wasn’t her business.
In the kitchen, Joel stops making noise, putting a pause on the food. He peeps around the kitchen to where his girls are sitting and looks on with suspicion. Bay catches it and thinks it still isn’t her business. But Joel makes his way to them and sits down across from Bay. He glances at Ellie and they exchange a look, having a silent conversation with one another. Bay feels a little uneasy watching them, but at the same, intrigued.
Joel’s palms sweat with anxiety, mentally begging Ellie not to give away the real reason she was being smuggled. Now is not the time for that revelation. Ellie seems to understand this.
“Yeah,” the girl says, nodding her head, facing Bay. “Joel was hired to smuggle me. Well, Joel and a woman named Tess.” Ellie says the name with apprehension, hoping that Joel won’t get upset. Surprisingly, he doesn’t.
“Hold up,” Bay stops her as immediate questions pop into her head. “Smuggle? Why were you being smuggled?”
Joel slightly shakes his head “no” when Ellie looks at him. His leg bouncing almost alerts Bay, but he manages to cover it up with a cough, knocking his fist down onto the table. He mumbles a quiet “sorry” when she glances over at him.
“I was with the Fireflies,” Ellie says and Joel’s heart sinks. Ellie shoots him a glare that says “trust me”, so he does. Not having any other choice in the matter. “A pretty big group, actually. You were a Firefly once. Did you know Marlene?”
“Marlene?” Bay asks in shock. “I didn’t know her,” she shakes her head. “I heard about her, though. Wow, you were really with Marlene? How? Why did you leave?”
The questions are all expected and Joel’s nerves aren’t easing up. At this point, he’s fidgeting where he sits, but luckily Bay and Ellie are too engaged in conversation to care. He’s really feeling his age now, all this stress is going to give him a heart attack.
“Well,” Ellie begins awkwardly. “Marlene was friends with my mom. And after my mom died, she promised to look after me. But it was becoming unsafe in Boston and Marlene got hurt. So she hired Joel and Tess to smuggle me to a different group. One where I’d be safer.” She lies and she hates lying to Bay, her best friend. She wants to tell her everything, but she knows Joel’s not ready. Will he ever be?
A sigh of relief courses through Joel’s tense body. He finally settles back into his seat and gets his breathing under control once more. Bay isn’t looking at him when he mouths a “thank you” to Ellie.
“Wow, that’s intense…But uhm,” Bay hesitates, anxiously tapping her fingers along the wooden tabletop. “Can I ask who Tess is?”
Ellie’s face reddens and she peers up at Joel with a timid smile. She knows that what happened with Tess took a toll on Joel and he never wanted to talk about it. He’s different now, so she doesn’t feel scared to bring the woman up. Still, she has some doubts.
“She was with me,” Joel cuts in weakly. “We, uh,” he clears his throat as his memory recalls Tess, his fiery companion. “We were a team. She… she got bit when we were trying to get Ellie to her destination. We ran into some trouble and Tess stayed behind to fight. Gave us a head start. And she died.”
“I’m sorry, Joel,” Bay says with a frown, knowing how hard it is to lose someone you care about in such a devastating way. And she’s happy that Joel’s not shutting her out, sharing information about his past relationships. He talks briefly about Tess, and only briefly. Bay listens happily, learning about the other woman. According to Joel, she was a fighter, stubborn, ruthless. And Ellie agrees, saying she was a lot like Joel.
“How did she…” Bay trails off. Maybe it’s not polite to ask these things.
“We were in a museum,” Ellie sighs. “Tess and I got separated from Joel. We tried to fight them off and once Joel found us we got them all. But she got bit. And when we got to the Capitol Building to meet my group, they weren’t there. She insisted that Joel finish the job. And he did. But we never found my group. So he took me in as his own. And now here we are.”
Ellie smiles, wrapping her story up, keeping it short and sweet and omitting details that would have Joel panicking. He frowns and stands up, heading back to the kitchen to finish the food. Ellie watches, but lets him do his own thing, going back to her drawing book and finishing her sketch.
Bay’s the one who gets up and follows Joel. She doesn’t say anything at first, going around the pantry and picking the things out she needs to prepare drinks. She grabs a few pieces of fruit, some ice, some water and gets to work on the counter beside Joel.
He’s calm as he watches her, smiling to himself at how she focuses on cutting up the fruit and crushing the ice. His stance softens and from the corner of her eye, Bay can tell. “I’m sorry about Tess,” she says quietly, slicing a mango into small pieces. Joel’s heart lurches in his chest. “I know how hard it is to lose someone like that,” she frowns, offering her sympathy.
“Thank you,” he says, quietly. “I probably should have told ya about her,” he admits, furrowing his brows as he thinks it over. She’s always been honest about her past relationships. He should do the same. “I just didn’t know… I don’t know.”
“It’s okay,” Bay smiles at him. “You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. I’d never push.”
Joel’s thankful for that. He doesn’t like bringing up the past much. And as long as Bay is okay with that, he’s happy. He finishes the food, keeping it warm on the stove until they’re ready to eat.
Bay is squeezing fruit juice into a glass as he walks up to her. He wraps his arms around her as she puts the finishing touches on the refreshing drinks, topping them with fruit slices. He kisses her cheek before burying his face in her warm neck, inhaling her scent. On the topic of past relationships, he thinks of how many people have had the chance to be this intimate with her. It’s something he doesn’t want to think about, but can’t help. His curiosity gets the best of him and he finally asks about other guys she’s been with.
“What were your past relationships like?” He quizzes with interest. He knows about Tommy and bits and pieces of another guy, but bringing up Tess just made him think. And now he can’t stop thinking.
“Are you asking about guys I’ve had sex with or guys I’ve had some type of beneficial relationship with?” She asks with a sly grin. “Because those are very different numbers,” she teases. “And you know I’ve never been a ‘relationship’ girl.”
Joel grimaces and shakes away the intruding thoughts in his head. “Well, I don’t wanna know about everyone you’ve slept with,” he says with disdain. “Just…relationships. Or whatever you call ‘em.”
Bay hums in understanding and turns around. She’s facing Joel, arms slipping around his shoulders comfortably. His hands stay on her waist, gently squeezing her hips, just happy to know she’s there in his arms.
“You know about Tommy…and I’m pretty sure you’ve heard enough about him,” she giggles and Joel nods, laughing himself. He’s definitely heard enough. “And then there was Adam and I guess we were more serious than I like to think. I mean, we lived together at one point. But like I told you before, he was safety. He was the only reason I didn’t get killed.” She bites her lip as she thinks of DJ. She’s never told Joel about DJ. She didn’t think she’d ever have to, but now is probably a good time. “And then there was a guy named DJ. He…he lives in California. He’s my contact. It wasn’t like a serious thing, but I’d hook up with him every time I went out that way. And I used to go out that way a lot.”
“California?” Joel asks with disappointment in his voice. California, the place Bay traveled to not that long ago. After Joel told her how he felt. “You were just in California,” he points out, angrily and looks away from her.
“I was,” she says, dropping her arms from his shoulders and bringing her hands to his face. She makes him face her, smiling softly when their eyes meet. “And nothing happened with DJ. A little flirting, but that was it. Harmless. I promise.”
“Flirting, huh,” Joel scoffs and pushes her hands away, pouting like a child.
“Are you really gonna be mad at me?” She asks, cooing as she pinches his cheeks. “You’re so cute when you’re jealous, but nothing will ever happen between DJ and I again. So stop pouting.”
Joel can only roll his eyes before giving in. He’s not even upset, but he likes to push Bay’s buttons. And, okay, there is a part of him that hopes she never has to go to California again. But that’s just silly.
“In all seriousness,” Bay says. “I understand how hard it can be to lose people and not want to talk about it. But I want to thank you for opening up to me anyway.”
Joel smiles weakly, a pang of guilt hitting him so hard he feels like he might faint. He knows that he’s an asshole for hiding Ellie from her, but as much as he cares for Bay, his loyalty lies with Ellie. And his number one goal is still her protection. He trusts Bay, he really does, but he’s still so unsure.
“Drinks are done!” She says with a smile. “Want to place these at the table so I can go wash up real quick?”
Joel nods and takes the tray from her, watching as she bounces up the stairs into his bathroom. He sighs and walks the drinks to the table, setting one day at each placement. Ellie takes the moment to talk to Joel, nervously gnawing at her lip.
“We have to tell her,” she whispers in a panic. “She needs to know. Joel, I can see it. You guys are getting serious or whatever. I don’t want to keep lying.” Ellie’s lip quivers. She feels just as guilty for keeping Bay in the dark.
“We will,” Joel says with certainty. “After your birthday surprise, we will.”
“Why after?” Ellie hisses.
“If somethin’ happens and she doesn’t take this well…I don’t want it to ruin your day. Just a couple more days, kiddo. I promise.” He means what he says. He has to focus on Ellie first and her big day. Thanks to Maria, he’s planned the perfect surprise for her.
The teenager scoffs, but agrees. “Fine,” she says, folding her arms as she falls back into her chair. She glances up at Joel inquisitively. “What’s the surprise?”
“I ain’t tellin’ you,” the man grunts. “Stop askin’.”
“Stop asking what?” Bay asks as she comes down the stairs.
“Where is Joel taking me for my birthday?” Ellie pleads, thinking Bay will crack.
She only laughs. “I’m not telling you that.”
“You both suck,” she sulks.
Bay and Joel finish setting the table with the food when he pulls her aside.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna come with us?” He asks her, really wanting her to be included in this trip. He knows Ellie will want her there, too.
“No,” she insists. “You guys need this time. You’ll have so much fun. And I’ll be right here when you get back.” She kisses his nose and takes the plate from his hands, heading for the dining room. He follows with a sigh, finally giving up.
--*--
The night is still young and the trio are lounging in the living room, watching a movie. It’s part of a series Joel and Ellie have watched before, but Bay’s totally clueless. She still does her best to follow along, smiling whenever Ellie or Joel make a comment on what’s happening. She’s with Joel on the couch, her head in his lap while her legs splay out to the other end. Ellie sits in a chair, a bowl of snacks in her lap.
Bay sighs in content while Joel’s fingers play with her hair. There’s no place else she’d rather be right now. Her eyes are heavy with sleep and before she knows it, she’s out cold.
It’s Ellie who wakes her up, a gentle shake to her shoulder. Bay rubs her eyes and yawns, sitting up and away from Joel. He’s grinning at her like a fool. “What’s up?” She croaks.
“For starters, you fell asleep,” Ellie mocks, snoring in exaggeration. Bay laughs and shoves her away as she places her feet back on the floor. “And second, I’m leaving for Cat’s. We’re gonna listen to a few records, do some drawings…” She trails off and Bay notices the playful glint in her eye.
“Have fun,” she says with a smirk and Ellie blushes. “I’ll see ya later.”
“See ya,” she hops up and grabs her bag, glancing back at Joel. “Later, old man!”
She’s out the door in a flash. Joel gets up from the couch and walks towards the closet by the stairs. He opens it and pulls out one of his flannels, tossing it to Bay. “Meet me outside,” he says.
Bay nods and slips on the large green and black flannel, wrapping it around herself. It smells like Joel and it’s a scent she’s grown to love. Grabbing her boots, she slips them on and heads outside to wait for Joel. She takes a seat on the porch steps, pulling the sleeves of the garment down over her hands as a light chill snips through the night air.
A few minutes later, Joel returns, a guitar in hand and Bay can’t hold back her smile. Finally, Joel is going to play for her. At least she hopes. She’s been pestering him forever, but he’s been too shy, or insecure, she doesn’t know. “Are you going to play for me?” She asks, hopeful.
He nods with a boyish grin and sits down onto the chair across from her. Bay scoots over on the steps, propping her elbows up on her knees and resting her head in her hands, giddy like a schoolgirl. Her heart skips a beat at how gorgeous he looks before her, biting his lip with his guitar in his lap.
“You, uh, you ever listen to Coldplay?” He asks her, nervously picking at his guitar. She nods, her eyes sparkling under the glow of the moonlight. He inhales and at last, his fingers begin to pluck at the strings.
The opening chords are familiar, ones she’s heard before on one of her records. As much as she wants to watch him, she closes her eyes for a moment, focusing on the melody, trying to think of what the song is. Then he begins to sing and it clicks. Yellow by Coldplay.
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah, they were all yellow
Her eyes snap open, drawn to him and nothing else. His finger work is intricate, skilled. His voice is smooth like honey. She’s completely lost in his performance. Passion bleeds from him into the song and the butterflies in her stomach won’t stop fluttering. The intense emotion building up inside of her threatens to spill out as he continues to sing.
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn in to something beautiful
Do you know
You know I love you so
You know I love you so
The two of them sit on the porch, under the stars, Joel’s voice carrying through the night. Bay watches with watery eyes, trying not to cry while he’s flawlessly strumming away on the guitar, every once in a while lifting his gaze to meet hers. His hazel eyes swim with adoration and she knows.
When the song finishes, Bay smiles through glossy eyes and stands up. She walks over to him and he waits, setting his guitar down next to him. He pulls her onto his lap, locking his lips with hers. She kisses him in a way she’s never kissed another soul before. Something about him just latches onto her heart.
“That was beautiful,” she says quietly, savoring the soft moment between them.
“Thank you,” he grins. His hold on her tightens and they sit like that for a few minutes.
The night breeze is cool and crisp, but the electricity between them keeps them warm. Bay thinks she’s ever been so content in her life. And Joel’s heart beats rapidly as his mind goes into overdrive. He’s been thinking of something for a long time now and he wasn’t sure how to bring it up. But now…now seems like the right moment.
“Bay,” he speaks up, earning a quiet hum from her. He kisses the top of her head and sighs. Out with it. “When Ellie and I get back from this trip… I’d like it if you would move in with me.” He says.
Her lips break into a big smile, her stomach doing flips at his request. “Really?” She squeaks out in a quiet voice.
He nods, smiling back just as bright. “You don’t have to answer now,” he adds quickly. “Think about it while we’re gone. Then let me know. Okay?” His eyes search hers for any hesitancy, but all he can see is…love? He doesn’t know. And that’s okay for now.
“Okay,” Bay says, still elated. “I’ll think about it.”
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Masterlist
Taglist: @extraneous-trip
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Author's Note: Hi that isn't my GIF. But this is my fic and I would really appreciate it if you told me how you thought it was, and if you especially like it, my requests are open friends. :3 I have the spicy sad right now, and needed a little angst with a happy ending. Ok, be fed I guess.
This has 3,000+ words, are you proud of me or what!?
From the prompt: As teenagers, a boy and a girl agree to marry if neither have by their 35th birthday. Follow the boy as he attempts to sabotage every relationship the girl has until then.
"Hey Tommy? I was thinking."
"That's a shit idea, you should stop doing that"
You swiped at the back of his head.
"Shut up you ass, I'm serious."
"Hi serious I'm- OW fucking hurt is what I am it's a joke, learn to take a-AH." You hurdled a handful of playground pebbles at the 17 year old.
"Alright, alright gorgeous, hit me- No! I meant hit me with the question you little shit." It was getting hard to breathe when he got you to giggle so hard.
You're laughter died down. You looked down, unsure if you could look at his face when you said this.
"I don't have a boyfriend." He abruptly stopped laughing, hiding the obvious fact that he almost choked on his own spit. You breathed a laugh again.
"I don't have a boyfriend. And you don't have a girlfriend." Your smile slipped off.
Tell him. Tell him, you're almost there. I don't have anyone, and you don't either except we do we have each we have each other we have-
You looked to Tommy, his boyish presence fitting on the swing set made for much younger kids. You were much younger kids when you met for the first time, on this very swing set. You think about telling him you fell in love with him when he pushed Jackson Paloski down on the asphalt because Jackson said trailer-trash can't play on the nice swing set. You didn't know it was love though, you were in the fourth grade but your heart still beat a little faster and when you asked him if you could sit beside him during lunch he huffed and complained, showing off he was moody and tough and haughty, but he very obviously made Michael Welsh move from his spot beside Tommy so that the pretty new girl could take her place beside him. And you stayed there. For years. Right beside him.
You felt the breath leave your lungs as you thought about telling him you can't stop thinking about him lately.
Can't stop hoping your skin will touch when he asks you to pass him something.
Can't help feeling like punching every girl that makes a scene trying to gain his attention. You're usually so focused on glaring at the girl that you miss the way he shrinks in on himself, the way he actively turns his body to you.
You think about telling him. And how telling him could mean you could do more, be more.
You think about telling him. And you think about him pulling away from you, gently gathering his things as he stumbles over how to let you down easily, unaware that that's not an option any more. Tommy letting you down would mean shattering.
You clench your jaw. His eyes try to tell you something.
"So. So since. We don't have someone." You look toward the Shell gas station across the street. Tommy wets his lips with a quick swipe of his tongue.
Your throat twinges, the twinge you get when you're trying to hold back tears. You shrug to yourself and let out a breathy laugh.
Coward.
"So since we don't have hot dates, we should make a deal." You make your voice upbeat. You know Tommy can call your bullshit but he doesn't, sit's quietly.
"If by the time we're 35, and we don't have a, someone, to, ya' know. We should get married." Your heart clenches. "If we don't have. Like if I don't have a husband, and you don't. Have a girl, or-" Tommy is quiet. White hot panic races up your spine. You look over at him.
Tommy looks-
He looks like he's frozen, like he's still a few sentences behind, and you're about to throw in the towel and swallow a few of these pebbles so you'll choke and die and won't have to hear his laughter tear apart your heart.
Then Tommy blinks and kind of hunkers in on himself, looks anywhere but you, eyes shifting and darting. His smile isn't his when he manages it.
"Oh, you're so on, sweetheart."
It's not quite right. The atmosphere is still tense and you feel like there's a conversation you're meant to be having, like there were supposed to be different words spoken and heard during that time.
But having Tommy, even if it's like this, even if he doesn't want you like you ache for him, is better than not having him at all.
Beside you, while you hurt quietly beside him, watching the sun set, rocking back and forth on the too low swing, Tommy swallows down self-hatred and overwhelming feelings. Instead, he schemes.
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It's been five years since you've made your little deal with Tommy. Five years, and every single time you've tried to move on from the man, it's ended in catastrophe.
The time you two had just graduated high school and drove to Tommy's house so his older brother could congratulate you two. Brendan had had a buddy over that night, not much older than you, and you would be lying if you said you didn't flush appreciatingly at his sly smile toward you and the way he actively tried to add you in on the conversation.
The night ended rather abruptly when Tommy had spilled hot tea all over the guys front. Tommy was always collected, and it was rare moment when he was clumsy. Never mind the fact that Tommy never drank tea, and actively made fun of you drinking the stuff.
Or the time you two reluctantly went to Brendan's wedding. You loved Tess, and thought they were a great couple, but stomaching an entire ceremony of the two being gross and affectionate, all while you and Tommy couldn't boo and throw miscellaneous items at them? The entire evening was spent with Tommy snuggly against your side snarking quietly in your ear, so close you could feel his warm breath on the entire side of your face.
Yes, your plan of moving on was going swimmingly.
Then Tommy went to the bathroom, and a handsome man smiled at you across the room. You tentatively smiled back, and he moved as if to cross the distance. Then immediately stopped, his face dropping and his eyes widening slightly as he spotted something a little over your shoulder. You saw him clear his throat and veer toward a large group laughing.
Your felt your face slightly warm and your heart drop a little, self consciously looking over your shoulder.
And let out a noise of surprise.
Tommy stood behind you, so close for a second you thought a very well dressed wall had somehow appeared while you weren't looking. You had just enough time to see 'The Expression'.
Tommy was an amazing fighter. And all throughout high school, he made sure while he minded his own, he could also hold his own, and everyone knew it. He had developed an expression, one that scared every single boy in this town shitless. It was a mix between unbridled rage and open invitation. The message was pretty clear and universal.
Come get some.
You usually laughed and teased him about it, because to you it just looked like he stubbed his toe and he was trying not to yell.
You weren't expecting to see it at his brother's wedding, and you certainly weren't laughing now.
In a blink it was gone from his face, and he turned to you with his beautiful sweet smile, the smile that showed just a little peak of his slightly messed up front teeth. He usually reserved that smile for you. You had never seen anyone else on the receiving end.
"Tommy, why were you just-"
"This blows, I just passed Tess and Brendan flirting. They're already married, why would they keep doing that." He rolled his eyes, moving to your side as his hand disappeared behind your back.
"Tommy did you just square up to the guy checking me ou-"
"Brendan's friend is here, the one who can can do a Kick Up."
You stared at each other for a long moment. You felt his hand barely ghosting over the small of your back. His eyes where sharp, a little desperate.
"Tommy."
"There's also a rumor he killed a guy with just a playing card."
You licked your lips. He raised his eyebrows, his lips getting distracting.
"Shit Conlon, why didn't you start with that, take me to him."
Or the time, more recently, when you went to a match to watch Tommy completely destroy his opponent. You loved going out to see him fight. Loved the adrenaline and the satisfaction when Tommy won, making him less timid, a little more rowdy and confident, a little more touchy and feely.
You've kind of given up on the whole moving on thing, even if it was driving you up a wall.
Tommy had just won, and you were eagerly waiting to congratulate him, excited to hug him freely, without him wondering why you were hugging him to begin with. And maybe to hold on a little tighter. Maybe to allow your hands to rove a little more freely.
Hey, was it not a night for celebration?
A man started to chat you up. You smiled patiently and gave some noncommittal grunts and affirmations as you continued to scan the crowd, looking for the familiar mass of Tommy, all hard edges and bulk. You were bouncing on the balls of your feet.
The guy moved closer, making a joke you didn't really hear. You laughed, your eyes darting and searching.
"You look beautiful by the way. I saw you watching the fight, crazy that you're into this stuff. Not a lot of women I know cheer like that."
You finally glance over to the man, but quickly get back to standing on your tip toes, looking above heads.
He doesn't even look that bad, and it's obvious he wants to get your number. He's just not the man you want chat with, and definitely not tonight. Not on a night that Tommy just won, and a night he'll want to come over to yours, joking and teasing, touching you much more confidently than he normally would. Falling asleep much more easier with his head on your lap.
You tamp down a smile. You wouldn't want this guy to get the wrong idea.
"You know, there's a really good Thai place down the road- Ah, fuck, watch it buddy. Can you not look where you're go-" You hear the man choke off the sentence, trying not to smile as you imagine the other guy. probably a lot bigger than he is. Wouldn't want to completely ruin his night by laughing at the guy.
"Fuuck me, buddy, sorry. I did not know who I was talking to." You could hear the man swallow. "Hey, I think you did great in the ring tonight, real good job of... Knocking that guy out. With one punch."
You whirled around, smiling so wide you felt the strain on your cheeks. There was only one guy who did that tonight.
Sure enough, Tommy was standing there. He had put on a shirt and took his gloves off, but he was still sweaty and breathing hard. He completely stanced up, like he is in the ring, and his expression was-
Well, you chalked it up to the testosterone flowing freely through the place. Probably just mad that he ran into another dude.
It still didn't stop you from running and jumping directly on him, arms coming up to wrap around his neck, legs completely circling his torso. You giggled into his neck, exclaiming how proud you were of him, how good he looked out there, completely stroking his ego, but not caring at the moment.
You felt his arms immediately span your back, feeling like his hands where trying to be everywhere at once. That was new. That was new and you couldn't say you hated it.
What you didn't see was the look on Tommy's face. The cold calm of someone who just threw a punch so hard at a man who was bigger and faster than him and shut his shit down. Directed at another man, much slower and smaller in comparison.
You didn't see the stranger's face pale, but you distantly heard the sound of chairs clatter to the ground as he turned tail.
Five years of pining (not so) quietly for Tommy, the man you had fallen in love with, but without a doubt did not love you back.
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Tommy knew without a doubt that he loved you.
All those years back in fourth grade, when he let it slip that his favorite snack was those crackers with the cheese filling, and you showed up with a whole pack of them to share, smiling this big goofy grin with your beautiful eyes and warm presence.
God how could he not.
The problem was how he was supposed to convince you to like him back. Him, Tommy, who fought most of his way through high school, who didn't like to get too close to people, who didn't like eye contact or conversation that ran too long or too forced. Who loved you though.
And who was very annoyed at the boy flirting with his girl.
It never failed to make Tommy's blood boil. He knew he had no right, because for one, he spent five years doing his damned best to break up every chance at you leaving him.
Just until you guys turn 35, right Tommy boy? You can probably keep that up.
Tommy breathed in a shuttering breath.
He just wanted to buy you your favorite drink at your favorite café. That's all he wanted to do. And maybe find and excuse to hold your hand without burning up from the embarrassment of actually having feelings (can you imagine?).
But of course, some dick-head always noticed how beautiful or kind or warm you were, and had to take their shot.
Well, Tommy was fucking sick of it.
Tommy thought of all the times, and there were a lot of times, when he had to step in and derail the situation. He knew this would be the last time. He had to do this, get rid of the unrelenting ache he felt while going to sleep, looking at you, thinking about you.
Tommy moved toward the you and the man you were talking to like he was entering the ring. With the mindset that he could get totally and irreversibly hurt, but he was gonna fight to the bloody end beforehand.
"Do you need directions?" Tommy asked as he slid up behind you, closer than he would have ever before. He felt your confusion even if he couldn't see your face.
"What?" The man was just as quizzical.
"Oh, I was just asking if you needed directions or if you could get lost on your own." Tommy raised his eyebrows, setting his hand on your hip, trying not to think about the many, many questions you'd have about that.
The man thought about arguing, but then he really looked at Tommy. Looked at you, then back to Tommy. Decided he didn't want to bleed tonight, and huffed out an angry sound.
You at least waited until he was out of ear shot before whirling on him.
"What. What was that?"
"Ok, I know what your probably thinking-"
"That you're out of your mind Tommy?! Are you kidding me right now? 'Get lost?' Get outta here with that shit, what was that?"
The two of you were pretty far back in the shop, but he still lowered his voice to make sure no one was bothered.
"Ok, yes, you're mad, I can see that-"
"Oooooh well I'm glad you can see that Tommy." You felt your face start to turn red, feeling exhausted and confused. "Explain. Explain to me Tommy, that every time a guy wants to have a nice, civil, God forbid, flirtatious conversation with me, he high tails it out of there just as fast, Tommy, explain."
Tommy felt an expanding ache somewhere behind his left eye.
"Ok. Ok I'm gonna say something stupid-"
"You always say something stupid, stupid-"
"Can you just. Can you let me finish." Tommy felt exasperated and a little insane. He was about to confess in a coffee shop to the girl he loved and things would never be the same again because she was about to leave, but fuck it if he wasn't at a boiling point.
"Ok. You know how we made a deal?" You looked at him, raising your eyebrows.
"About who could spray the most whipped cream in their mouth? Yeah it's me, it'll always be me. So you got so mad you're trying to, what, make sure I die alone, I don't..."
"What? No can you not, can you focus right now?" Tommy's palms were starting to sweat and he clenched his eyes shut tight. He breathed in and let it back out in one harsh huff. "When we were seventeen-"
"Seventeen?"
"When we were seventeen you said that if we weren't married by the time we were 35, that we should marry each other." He watched as your eyes widened and your face warmed a little. "Well, the deals off. I'm not doing it any more."
Tommy wasn't sure what to expect, but the flash of utter pain that tore across your face was not it. You stepped back, looked like you were about to bolt, your eyes wild. You tried to pull yourself together but it was really hard to breathe. No matter how many times you tried to prepare yourself for this day, you could have never imagined how it actually almost brought you know to your knees.
"So. Here's the new deal. If in like, five minutes, you're still single, and I'm still single..." Tommy swallowed hard, licking his lips. "We should just." His eyes darted to your lips.
You froze. Tommy caught his lush lower lip in between his teeth. He'd never been more nervous his entire life. So nervous for the inevitable laugh, the pity laced rejection, because really, it was one thing to be friends with a shy awkward boxer, but another to look at him and think, 'yeah, that'll do.'
Tommy had approximately five seconds to wallow in self deprecation and pure terror before he had a handful of you, and something that suspiciously felt like lips on his lips. But that's funny, because he's almost positive that that's not the case.
Then he felt your tongue swipe his lip and decided he cared fuck all and proceeded to get lost in you, your breaths, God he could feel, taste, your breath as you both got consumed by each other.
Someone coughed disapprovingly your way. The two of you broke apart, panting slightly.
"Ok, ok please don't. I really don't want you to hit me but I'm really fucking dense, right, and I just have to ask, you did that because you. You like like me- OW I said I didn't want you to hit me!"
You felt yourself laughing, felt your never ending ache subside and your love sky rocket.
"Oh, you're an idiot," You pecked his lips, he tried to catch your mouth fully but failed. "You are such and idiot- Oh my God we're both idiots holy- Hey. Hey, you, you've been. Have you been sabotaging-"
"Did you hear that?" Tommy tilted his head and looked toward the ceiling. "Ope- oh yeah. No. yeah, that's for sure the sound of-" He cut off, dropping his serious expression, grinning as he leaned down and kissed your mouth again, this time taking your words and any objections, affectively cutting off any questions that would leave him looking stupid.
You two would need to sit down, to talk about how you've felt all these years, how you were both so stupid that you both refused to confess to each other.
But for now, you lost yourself in the taste of Tommy, and the heady feeling of someone you've loved for seemingly forever, loving you back.
Real Quick: Would you be mad if in the next fics I write I called this man Tomithy? Asking for a friend.
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xaibaugrove · 4 years
Text
An Analysis of Ellie
In honor of The Last Of Us Day, I’m finally gonna drag out this headcanon I’ve had in my drafts forever. If you choose to read this, good luck because it’s a long time. 
Of course, SPOILERS AHEAD. 
So, this all started with me thinking about how Ellie has suffered from survivor’s guilt ever since she discovered her immunity, when she was meant to die with her girlfriend/best friend Riley. 
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In that moment, Ellie had already embraced death and wanted to share it with her loved one, but that was robbed from her. She continued to live while forced to watch who might have been the first person she ever loved turn from infection. Ellie had no explanation for why that gift of immunity had been given to her. She had that gift thrust upon her by forces outside of her control. Ellie had to contend with her new existence as someone immune to the infection that had torn apart Earth’s reality, trapped in a paradox as a young teenage girl in a post apocalyptic world, until Marlene relieved her of that pressure by giving her life meaning, by giving purpose to her immunity and bestowing an important identity upon her: the savior of the human race.
Before all that, Ellie had always been just a number. She was just an orphan kid in a sea of other faceless, nameless kids in a military boarding school, without a future or special kind of destiny in a bleak world without any real meaning. Suddenly, she was a savior for all humanity and tasked with the tremendous responsibility of staying alive. She had to contend with her life having more value than others, seeing people sacrificing themselves over and over again, for her, when she had lived as a nobody for all her life until that point when everything changed.
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I can imagine that that was a lot for Ellie to deal with as a teenager, a key developmental time in her life when she is just learning who she is as a person. A lot of her identity was based on not having an identity. Being trained and destined to be a nameless soldier. So when that identity was called into question, when she was smacked in the face with immunity to a virus that killed her best friend and numerous people on the planet, she needed the absurdity of her existence to be reigned in by her new title of savior of the human race.
During her journey with Joel, while the player mostly experienced the story and struggle of Joel, Ellie was struggling with her own internal issues as the secondary character. She mainly dealt with the loss of her innocence but she also still carried within her a crippling survivor’s guilt. This is very apparent after the death of Tess. In that pivotal scene in Part 1, Tess made it abundantly clear that the only reason why she was sacrificing herself was because of Ellie’s immunity, to the point of physically grabbing Ellie by the arm and pointing to the point of infection, relegating Ellie to just her immunity. Of course it wasn’t Tess’s intention to do that, but one can only wonder how Ellie absorbed that moment, another moment that helped her in defining herself. Tess wasn’t risking her life to save Ellie the person. She sacrificed herself for the immunity, the potential cure Ellie carried within her. 
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This assisted Ellie in defining herself by her immunity. Instead of thinking about herself and how she related to the world around her with all the contradictions of her childhood, and the relationships she formed with Joel and Sam, the people in that world, it was easier to just soldier through life with the sole goal of fulfilling her destiny. Saving the human race.
Then came the turning point in her life, when her identity was stripped from her by the very person she had come to trust and love the most.
In a way, Ellie had her autonomy taken from her by Joel and had to come to grips with that, the fact that Joel loved her and yet, hurt her deeply as a result of that love, without truly acknowledging it. In making this ultimate decision about her life for her, Joel triggered her survivor’s guilt and Ellie had no way of expressing it, 1. Because Joel lied to her about the situation and forced the conversation to be buried in that lie, and 2. Because even if she gathered the courage to confront him about the lie, she didn’t really have the cognitive ability at the time to express herself fully, to tell him exactly what was wrong with it. And maybe on some level, she didn’t really want to have the conversation and finally clarify the unspoken truth. If she did initiate the conversation, how could she be angry at him when his defense is that he did what he did out of love? What defense would an average teenager have against a parent making that statement in one of many common situations that could occur in normal settings?
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Because of the decision that Joel made, he was able to be content with his surrogate daughter, living his best life in a way, while Ellie was devastated in the aftermath. And if he did notice her inner turmoil, he never addressed it. She was probably subtly carrying around that guilt with her for years. It might have even bothered her or made her hesitant to indulge in the many positive aspects of being alive: developing friendships, romantic relationships, normal childhood things. It wasn’t until Ellie was allowed to stew on it, contemplate everything and allow the guilt to fester within her that she was able to finally muster up the courage to have that difficult conversation with Joel.
In yet another pivotal scene, this time in Part 2, she gave him another chance to confess to what she suspected was a lie for multiple years when she was met with another trigger of her survivor’s guilt, during the reluctant excursion she embarked upon with Joel in search of strings for the guitar he made for her. In that scene, she questions him, counters his excuses and challenges him. Ellie gave Joel the chance to be honest with her. And his choice was to dig his heels in deeper, lying to her face once again. When watching Ellie’s expressions after Joel silenced her protests, so much can be seen in the way she looks at him for a moment.
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She looks at him and thinks of how many things he has done to make her happy, out of love for her, and the immense contradiction she feels with those acts of love when compared to the greatest pain he inadvertently inflicted on her as well as the continuation of that pain through him perpetuating the lie. She gave him another chance and he betrayed her trust again. When Ellie looks away from Joel, her expression then reveals her innermost thoughts. Her eyes search the void between them to see that Joel will never admit to the lie and the only way for her to reinforce what she believes is the real truth is for her to seek out the answers herself. So she does.
When he did finally confess to everything, it broke her with not only how indifferent he was to it, but how he had destroyed any chance she could have of fulfilling her purpose. It possibly even reaffirmed the suspicions in the back of her mind that questioned his love for her due to how much he had hurt her without apologizing even once for it and how much he had taken from her in the process. The validity of all their past interactions were suddenly called into question as well, because although Joel did those things to make Ellie happy, every happy moment was always undercut by the tremendous amount of guilt she carried that outweighed the happier moments for her as her entire life was worthless to her, from the moment Joel removed her from that hospital.
After that revelation, her sense of self was thrown into limbo. Ellie severed her relationship with Joel and went back to Jackson with no idea of how to truly carry on with her life and live with herself after that. In order to appease herself in some way, she regained some type of control in navigating their relationship from that point on. Before, their relationship hinged entirely on how Joel wanted to interact with her, with him approaching her to progress their father-daughter relationship after he removed her agency by making choices for her. Post their argument at St. Mary’s, it’s important to note that Ellie assumed control and eliminated that progression entirely. A consolation prize, a reclamation of her agency in life. But it was never enough.
Regardless, things continued on like that for some time, but then something happened that shifted the trajectory of Joel and Ellie’s relationship. On a night when Ellie attended a party, she happened to find herself possibly feeling grateful for being alive when her longtime best friend expressed interest in her and made an advance toward her. 
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After Joel intervened in a conflict between her and a dumbass bigot, she angrily went to confront him. She continued to exercise her control in their relationship by coming down hard on him. Her anger about everything was very apparent during their confrontation later that night and one can see that she still felt like her life was technically meaningless without her death for the sake of a cure for the salvation of the human race. During that scene she finally expresses exactly how she feels, what she hadn’t been able to articulate for years.
It’s important to note that before she says any of that, Joel disarms her. Joel asked her about the simplest of things, if Dina was her girlfriend. Then he placed an importance on her existence, by saying that Dina would be lucky to have her, which I believe Ellie thought about for a split second. She ruminated on her feelings, on how a potential romantic relationship with Dina made her feel happy to be alive, as it wouldn’t have been possible if she had died in the hospital. And this thought, that Joel could have been right to save her, that she could possibly agree with him, caused her survivor’s guilt to spiral and she lashed out at him with all the emotions she felt since he first agreed to smuggle her across the country years ago.
Then, in a turning point in their dynamic, Joel is finally forthright with her when he responds to her frustration by stating that he would do it all over again. As a result, for the first time ever, Ellie feels as though she can finally understand his motivations and the validity of his love for her. In his honesty, he tells her that her life does have value to him, even if she can’t see that herself. And although she will never forgive him for his transgression or fully understand it because she doesn’t see her own value as a person aside from the potential cure she carries within herself along with her immunity, she realizes that she can’t stop herself from wanting... From wanting to live, from wanting to experience the joys of life, wanting to just be human. Joel introduces a new purpose to her life, to simply exist without purpose and be herself and find value in her life as just a person living it. She can’t erase the past and change Joel’s choices that directly affected her in the end, but she can choose to try his suggestion. To live life, despite her guilt and despite how afraid she feels to do it. This late night moment of vulnerability between a father and daughter opens the door to them possibly repairing what was broken 4 years ago.
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Her entire world is then shattered when Abby slams that door shut by killing Joel. Just when Ellie was setting down the path of finding the strength to move on and repair their relationship. Her survivor’s guilt was triggered and sent into overdrive by this event, because once she discovered that the people who killed Joel were ex-Fireflies, she came to the conclusion that Abby killed Joel in retaliation to him removing Ellie from the hospital and killing any hopes of a cure, along with all the Fireflies in the hospital. This essentially caused Ellie to believe that Joel was killed because of her in a roundabout way, as he would have still been alive if he hadn’t saved her, further enforcing her belief that her ultimate destiny in life was to die in that hospital. In Ellie’s mind, Joel died for a pointless reason, because she viewed herself as worthless.
Since she and Joel were the only ones who carried the secret of what really happened at St. Mary’s, there was no one else who could blame her or punish her for his death. Abby punished someone who didn’t deserve the blame and let Ellie go, leaving her to deal with the aftermath and that survivor’s guilt. In Ellie’s mind, it should have been her, but there was no way for her to have swapped herself in Joel’s place. So she punished herself in a different way. This sends her down her path of addiction to self-destruction.
Ellie had no way of punishing herself for her immunity for all those years, for surviving while others died for her. Abby provided an outlet for this desire. Ellie pursued Abby under the guise of getting justice for Joel but more can be ascertained from her constant push to find Abby, in her constantly doing things that go against her better nature, committing horrible acts and torturing people, debasing herself and pushing away those who love her or even putting them in danger while simultaneously traumatizing herself all at once. With every murder she committed, with every wound she sustained, she was punishing herself for being alive.
Each wound she suffered during that pursuit was like a high for her, an adrenaline rush. Each time she damaged her mental state even further with a new murder of one of Abby’s friends, she reinforced the belief that she deserved all of this for surviving. She deserved all the pain for being the cure, for being immune and benefiting from it while the world and everyone in it suffered. This is why Ellie can’t let go, even after her first encounter with Abby.
It was easy for Ellie to spiral in that self-destructive cycle. She punished herself for Joel’s death by pursuing Abby, which caused her closest friends to suffer because they were connected to her hunt for justice. Even when it all seemed to be over and Ellie tried to change. Tommy nearly died and wound up crippled and separated from his wife because of her and even JJ wound up without a father due to Jesse dying while helping her in her pursuit of Abby. This all contributed to her revisiting the same destructive path when Tommy accused her of not following through after all he had lost for her. Tommy started her self-punishment with that accusation. And once Ellie had the chance to think it all over, it was easy for her to return to the same bad habits. This is why she leaves and continues to pursue Abby, steeling herself against a near-fatal abdominal injury, doing whatever it takes to get to her, lying to herself this time, by telling herself all the while that it is in service of Joel. To repay his life that was taken from him. To even out the injustice.
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Ellie realizes this lie when she is mere seconds away from exacting her revenge by drowning Abby in the ocean. Joel’s face flashes across her mind, of him during that night when he told her that her life had value. She realizes in that moment that killing Abby will not bring her peace, because the motivation behind the act is a lie. It will not give her life value or meaning, or purpose. Because her life already has value. Outside of a cure, outside of her immunity, outside of her saving humankind. Her life has value because of who she is, not what she can give to the world. And Ellie finally realizes that she must accept this to be whole. Killing Abby won’t help her do this...so she lets her go. She watches the boat leave as she sits in the ocean tides ebbing and flowing around her, thinking of how broken she is, how much she has lost and if she can bring herself back from the brink to find value in the meaningless existence she believed her life was for so long.
When she revisits the farm and contemplates all this while holding a guitar that she’ll never be able to play again, she recalls that memory, when Joel reminded her of her value. In that final scene, she realized that Joel was the first person in her life who didn’t see her for her immunity. Joel saw Ellie for who she was and saw value in her as a person. To such a degree that he was willing to risk all of humanity to keep her alive. She was then able to forgive him and know that he truly did love her for her, something no one else had ever done before him. And if he could love her for her, maybe she could learn to do the same.
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spnopineapples · 4 years
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ALRIGHT PEOPLE. I'm READY.
LAST OF US 2 SPOILERS!!!!
......
.......
Are ya gone yet? Have you scrolled past if you don't want to see?
....
Alright. *CRACKS KNUCKLES AND NECK* Let's jump on into this!
First off I'm done with the game.
Second off..... THIS GAME WAS FUCKING PHENOMENAL!!! 10/10
The ending litterally killed me. Finished 2 hours ago,talked the ear off of my best friend for about 1 and a half hours and gushed and lamented the whole time. Cried for about 20 minutes by myself. Had an existential crisis. So on so on. And now I'm here, in the middle of an online meeting cause, ya know, Corona, muted with no camera on, because I'd much rather be typing out this dissertation.
Y'ALL. Go play this. It is AWESOME.
Now for the third and probably longest bit of this. My rebuttal to the bad reviewers:
I still contend that the bad reviews are 1 of 2 reasons with a little of a 3rd mixed in to both. #1. Being that people are pissed they killed off Joel and think the story did a disservice to the characters. #2. People are pissed because they think Naughty Dog was pushing a liberal agenda with a heavily muscled female antagonist/protagonist, a gay Ellie, and a transgender side character, Lev. The mixed in #3 is the extensive violence which I do contend was a lot. Yeah LoU1 was definitely violent, but damned this one got dark. And that's something coming from me because I am a fan of gratuitous violence.
Let me tackle these real quick. I'll be brief about #2 here though.
IN REBUTTAL TO REASON #2 - If you honestly didn't like LoU2 because of this reason (which I explained in my previous post about how IT IS logical that Abby be built the way she is and how Naughty Dog was definitely NOT shoving this or ANY of the others i mentioned in anyone's face in my opinion) you're in need of some corrective thinking and you should re-evaluate your ideas and realize that your opinion on these social issues doesn't matter and is wrong. None of these things make the game story illogical or bad. Bottom line: there are people like this in the world and their stories in this game drive the plot. It doesn't belittle the previous games or detract from the current game at all. You're just bigoted. Calm your tits and don't play the game if it upsets you so much. Pull a Seth and bury the hatchet. Make some steak sandwiches.
But I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and imagine that the majority of the bad reviewers were more pissed at reason #1, Joel's Death. But real quick.
IN REBUTTAL OF REASON #3 -If you hated the game because of the amount of violence, do realize that the violence was the point of the story this time AND IT WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A DRAG ON YOUR SOUL. LoU1 was about finding love again in a violent world. Love being in the foreground and the violence a backdrop, which is why the violence didn't feel so in your face even though it was PLENTY violent. LoU2 was about succumbing to the violent world because of losing love. Violence being the foreground and tainted love (insert song here ya bastards) being the backdrop that drives it. AND HERE IS MY FAVORITE PART PLEASE READ THIS PART AT LEAST IF YOU DECIDE NOT TO READ THE WHOLE THING.
Think of the two endings. LoU1 WAS a story ABOUT finding love in a violent world BUT ENDED with Joel committing a violent act to protect his love (killing all the Fireflies, 1 of which was Abby's father and the driving reason for LoU2's main plot, and DOOMING THE WORLD TO INFECTION AND DAMNING HUMANITY). LoU2 WAS a story ABOUT losing love and reacting with violence BUT ENDED with Ellie doing a peaceful act (allowing Abby to leave alive with Lev) because of the love she had for Joel (that flashback scene of Joel playing guitar when Ellie decided to forgive him for the violence and lie at the end of LoU1).
DO Y'ALL SEE HOW IMPORTANT THAT IS?
There NEEDED to be a LoU2 because LoU1 ended with violence and a lie. LoU2 fulfilled this with an ending of forgiveness driven by a memory of love from the first game.
I've read a lot of the bad reviews where they mention the violence became too much and ruined the game. And that Ellie wouldn't act like that. First off Ellie totally would, fuck off with that noise. Second off THAT'S THE POINT. This was a story about how revenge is cyclic violence and it doesn't end until someone makes the decision to end it!
BOTTOM LINE: I felt ragged 2/3's of the way thru this game because of the violence, but that's the point of the story. Revenge is not worth it. Especially when it's with people like Abby and Ellie. Because neither are villians. AND BOY HOWDY DID IT TAKE ME A LONG TIME TO COME TO TERMS WITH THIS. Because I HATED ABBY FOR KILLING JOEL. When I first started playing her I DID NOT WANT TO BECAUSE I WAS ANGRY WITH HER. I litterraly felt dirty playing her. But this game did something amazing to get me around to appreciating her character. NOT LIKING HER CHARACTER, but appreciating. And I will tackle this in my next rebuttal.
IN REBUTTAL OF REASON # 1 - Let's talk about Joel's death.
I WILL NOT LIE TO YALL.
I was mightily upset about his death. At first I thought it to be a disservice to a beloved character. But then I realized something. See above about Joel's actions. He killed all those Fireflies and DAMNED THE WORLD. Not only that it is specifically mentioned in both LoU1 and in this game that Joel and Tommy did horrible things before they met Ellie and before Jackson. JOEL WAS NOT A GOOD GUY.
I think what people are upset about is the REALNESS of this game. A lot of other game developers don't do what Naughty Dog has done. Naughty Dog did not shy away from Joel's character flaws and his past wrongs! In fact, all the user's that use the reason for hating the game as "too many plotholes" Y'ALL FUCKING PLAYIN. More on that later.
Back to what I was saying about realness. In the real world, Joel's death and the brutality of it and suddenness of it is actually a very logical event that would occur. Abby doesn't KNOW Joel like we do. All she knows is this guy killed her father and a lot of her friends and damned humanity in the process. LoU1 is not a happy game. Might I remind yall about Sam and Henry? But his death was not "sudden". And it didn't steal Joel from us. I actually really enjoyed all the flashbacks to him. We got more than enough time and I actually feel as if the time we got with Joel was better because of his death so early in the game. DO NOT TELL ME THAT THAT NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM FLASHBACK DIDN'T FULFILL EVERY FEELING NEED.
And now for the wrap up - the big hangup that I see of those who hated Joel's Death is that the story didn't redeem it. They couldn't "buy" Ellie forgiving Abby at the end.
As I stated I will not lie. I was worried for about 2/3s of the way through this game that the bad user reviews were accurate and that the story sucked because I couldn't see where the writers were going. All I saw was senseless death of characters that I had loved and that I was coming to love. I straight up love Jesse by the way. It wasn't until Abby met Lev and Yara that I started seeing the majesty of this revenge story.
BECAUSE THE TRUTH IS I HATE FUCKING REVENGE STORIES WHERE THE MAIN CHARACTER IS LIKE, NO, THEY WOULDN'T WANT ME TO DO THIS. Before this game I'd be like "miss me with that bullshit" but after today I would say "give it to me like this." This actually felt real. And boy was it raw. Guys, the reason I started forgiving Abby is because of her decision to help Yara and Lev. Because it was her attempt to right the wrong of killing Joel which was eating her alive. Her and Owen and Mel. Guys. She is Joel. Why the hell do you think Joel did what he did for Ellie in the first game? Because he liked her at first site? BULLSHIT. He did it because Tess told him to do something good for once. IF YOU ARE UPSET WITH ABBY THEN YOU SHOULD BE UPSET WITH JOEL. I get it. Abby had to earn that with her story because at the beginning I'd have said leave her to the clickers. BUT CONTRARY TO THE USERS OF THIS REASONING SHE DID DESERVE HER REDEMPTION. The game shows over and over and over again that Abby isn't some mustache twirling villian who deserves instant death. She is complicated. She cares and she hates and she loves. She knows what's right and wrong and tries to do right as much as possible but she's human and she gets angry. Anger means you care.. and she cared about her father. She's a good human too because good humans feel shitty about doing shitty things and if you are observant at all you can tell immediately with Abby, as we play her in her Seattle Day 1, that she has doubts and isn't comfortable with her role in how Joel died. SHE DESERVED BEING FORGIVING BY ELLIE AT THE END. AND IN THE SAME TOKEN ELLIE DESERVED FORGIVING HER AND BEING FORGIVEN BY ABBY. It is very clearly obvious by the end of the game that Ellie could not reconcile her revenge killings with her best memories of Joel or with the actions she had to take to get there. Also it is of very important note here that Ellie stopped drowning Abby because of a flash image of Joel playing guitar. And then later on actually seeing the memory associated with that image that stopped her you can understand why Ellie did stop outside of just being as tired of violence as Abby was. The memory shows Joel and Ellie agreeing to try to forgive Joel for lying to her about the Fireflies and denying her her purpose. All this the night before he is killed. Note what Joel says. "If God gave me the chance to do it all over again. I would have done the same thing." Just that fucking devotion he has for Ellie shines through and she really understands his reasons for what he did. Still doesn't feel as if she can forgive him. THAT IS IMPORTANT. She DOES NOT agree with his decision. She understands it, but doesn't agree. But still decides to try and forgive. GUYS. That's exactly what she understands about Abby. Joel was sorry but he still would have done it. Same with Abby. There's a reason that image popped up as she was killing Abby and not the image of his beaten up face.
Remember that line from LoU2? Tess said it. As she is confessing to Joel that she was bit. "We're shitty people, Joel. It's been that way for a long time!" And Joel says "No, we are survivors!"
Y'all don't think for one second that Joel wouldn't have gone after that Soldier who shot Sarah if Tommy hadn't shot him? Y'all kidding yourselves.
Abby realizes this truth in the end. She realizes the part she played in enhancing and playing into the fucking violence and shittiness. Staining and tainting herself in the process. She just wanted to be clean. And Ellie just wanted to be clean.
Bombing this game is doing a fucking disservice to the emotional complexity of this story. It's been a long time since I've been that emotionally twisted.
This game isn't preachy. This game makes something clear that alot of other revenge stories get wrong. Revenge makes otherwise good people do shitty things and the shitty things taint us for the rest of our lives. At least Ellie and Abby stopped themselves before they tainted all their being.
Yeah we're shitty people. But we don't have to be.
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jasonfry · 3 years
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More classic movies everyone’s seen but me!
They Live By Night (1948)
Bowie and Keechie are doomed young lovers in Nicholas Ray’s debut as a director. A lot of the tropes will be familiar to film noir fans -- you know Bowie and Keechie will never achieve the normal lives they want, and the movie’s ending feels as fixed and inevitable as Shakespearean tragedy, with avenues of escape closing off one by one. But a few elements set it apart. For one thing, there’s the Depression setting, which offers shabby cabins and dusty plains instead of L.A. clubs and streetscapes, and makes “economic anxiety” a real thing -- Bowie and Keechie’s wedding in particular is a tragicomic masterpiece, with the crooked justice of the peace subtracting elements based on the couple’s budget. The movies also draws power from the chemistry between Farley Granger and Cathy O’Donnell, which feels natural in a very stylized film, sometimes to the point of feeling intimate bordering on uncomfortable. (Howard Da Silva is terrific in a supporting role as the terrifying hood Chicamaw.)
Ray was given free rein as director, and They Live By Night has an experimental air that would prove highly influential, from the tricky opening helicopter shot to an inside-the-car sequence whose legacy you can see in Gun Crazy. Then there’s its rather odd unveiling: The movie was shelved for two years after it was shot, but circulated through private showings in Hollywood and became a favorite, with Granger tapped by Alfred Hitchcock for Rope and Humphrey Bogart offering Ray a lifeline as a director. They Live By Night isn’t a great entry point for film noir newbies, but will be interesting for fans of the genre.
Robert Altman remade this movie as Thieves Like Us, returning to the title of the novel that Ray adapted; that version is also on my list. 
Under the Volcano (1984)
John Huston enjoyed tackling supposedly unfilmable projects late in life, following his adaptation of Flannery O’Connor’s Wise Blood with this take on a 1947 novel by Malcolm Lowery. Albert Finney is wonderful as a drunken, self-destructive British diplomat, and there’s an undeniable pull to the movie -- I saw it a couple of weeks ago and can’t quite shake its suffocating mood of mild delirium. But it’s so, so bleak -- before you try it, make sure you’re up for two hours of unease and dread.
Silverado (1985)
I saw Silverado as a teenager, but came back to it recently because as a kid I’d barely seen any westerns and so had no idea what the movie was celebrating or looking to revisit. Seen through more experienced eyes, Silverado is most interesting because it isn’t revisionist at all -- with the exception of a couple of modern tweaks to racial attitudes, it could have been made in the same period as the movies writer/director Lawrence Kasdan is saluting.
Anyway, Kevin Kline and Linda Hunt are wonderful leads, as is Brian Dennehy as the sheriff who’s put his conscience aside, and virtually everybody you remember from mid-80s movies shows up at one point or another. It’s a lot of fun, at least until the movie runs out of steam in the second half and turns into a series of paint-by-numbers gunfights. The final running battle particularly annoyed me: Kasdan has had ample time to show us the layout of the town of Silverado, which would let us think alongside the heroes as they stalk and are stalked through its handful of streets, but his ending is random gags and shootouts, with no sense of place. Stuff just happens until we’re out of stuff.
Compare that with, say, Helm’s Deep in The Two Towers. Peter Jackson takes his time establishing everything from the geography of the fortress to the plan to defend it, and as a result we always know where we are during the battle and what each new development means for the heroes. That kind of planning might have made Silverado a modern classic instead of just a fun diversion. 
My Brilliant Career (1979)
Judy Davis stars (opposite an impossibly young Sam Neill) as Sybylla Melvyn, a young Australian woman determined to resist not just her family’s efforts to marry her off but also the inclinations of her own heart. Sybylla is a wonderful character, a luminous, frizzy-haired bull in a china shop of convention, and she’s riveting in every scene. (Neill’s job is to look alternately hapless and patient, which he does well enough -- a fate that’s perfectly fair given the generations upon generations of actresses who have been stuck with the same role.) Extra points for Gillian Armstrong’s direction, which consistently delivers establishing shots you want to linger on without being too showy about them, and for sticking with an ending that, Sybylla-style, bucks movie expectations.
(This is an adaptation of Miles Franklin’s 1901 autobiographical novel, which I now want to read. Franklin also wrote a book called All That Swagger, which is such a great title that I’m happy just thinking about it.)
Red River (1948)
A friend recommended this movie -- the first collaboration between Howard Hawks and John Wayne -- after reading my take on Rio Bravo. And I’m glad he did: Wayne is terrific as Tom Dunson, a hard-driving rancher whose cattle drive to Missouri becomes an obsession that leads him into madness, and he’s evenly matched with Montgomery Clift, who’s his son in all but name. 
Dunson begins as the movie’s hero and gradually morphs into its villain, with Wayne letting us see his doubts and regrets and also his inability to acknowledge them and so steer himself back to reality. Clift, making his debut as Matt Garth, is solid in a more conventional role (he looks eerily like Tom Cruise), and Walter Brennan happily chews scenery as Wayne’s sidekick and nagging conscience.
And there’s a lot of scenery to chew -- it’s wonderful to watch the herd in motion, particularly in a shot from over Brennan’s shoulder as the cattle cross a river -- and Hawks brings a palpable sense of dread to the nighttime scenes as things start to go wrong.
I would have liked Red River more if I hadn’t already seen Rio Bravo, though. Brennan plays the exact same role in that movie as he does here, Clift’s character is very similar to Ricky Nelson’s, and Hawks even nicked a melody from Red River to reuse 11 years later. (Hawks was a serial recycler -- he essentially remade Rio Bravo twice.)
A more fundamental problem is that Red River falls apart when Hawks jams Tess Millay into the story. We’re introduced to Tess, played by Joanne Dru, when Clift intervenes to save a wagon train besieged by Apaches, and her nattering at Clift during a gunfight is so annoying that I was hoping an arrow would find its mark and silence her. (She is hit by an arrow, but it only makes her talk more.)
Tess then falls for Clift, who seems mostly befuddled by her interest but blandly acquiesces. This is funny for a number of reasons: Beyond some really dopey staging, Clift’s love interest is pretty clearly a cowboy played by John Ireland and given the unlikely name of Cherry Valance. Their relationship is a bit of gay subtext that wouldn’t need much of a nudge to become text. Tess goes on to annoy Wayne in an endless scene that exists to forklift in a klutzy parallel with the movie’s beginning, and then shows up at the end to derail the climax in an eye-rolling fashion that leaves everyone involved looking mildly embarrassed. (Dru does the best she can; none of this is her fault.) 
I was left wondering what on earth had happened, so I read up and discovered that -- a la Suspicion -- the ending was changed, destroying a logical and satisfying outcome penned by Borden Chase. Tess is a hand-wave to bring about that different ending, a bad idea executed so poorly that it wrecks the movie. Give me a few weeks and I’ll happily remember all the things Red River does right, from those soaring vistas to Wayne’s seething march through Abilene. But I’ll also remember how the last reel took an ax to everything that had been built with such care.
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