#this arent even that much edited im trying not to do much since my manager bee made me the best preset

[collisiondiscourse]

getting over a fear

im gonna be trying something new, i suppose. this isnt a serious post or anything, so if youre uninterested or whatever, feel free to keep scrolling on by!

i just wanted to get something off my chest.

as an fan artist and a fandom content creator with a pretty good following (thanks for 1.2k!), theres quite a lot that i never really let myself do because all my life i taught myself that i shouldnt.

one of them is make my own original content.

for a lot of people, its pretty normal to make your own OCs. make self inserts for fandoms, or stories that are your own entirely. its fun! amazing even.

but for as long as ive been online, ive never really let myself make my own art. art that was for me or had nothing to do with fandoms i liked.

and it was weird. it was a combination of things that stopped me from expressing myself to things like cringe culture to even discouragement online because no one wants to really see original content from someone they followed primarily for bnha content. i didnt let myself make stories of my own or have fun with self inserts because, well, i assumed it was just cringy or a waste of time since it wouldnt help my following/reputation grow.

it got so bad that over the recent course of a year... i can count on maybe three fingers the amount of times i drew something for myself. something original.

i dont have a sona. the common depiction you see of me is really just a simplified and edited version of what i kind of look in real life. i dont write original content. every idea and trope i think of thats vaguely interesting gets fed and beaten into a framework for fanfic. i don't even have designs for OCs that i claim to have, excluding ones that were made as extensions of actual characters.

looking back on it now as i try to assemble drawings to maybe put in a portfolio... i realize that im not happy with where it is. i dont have enough original content to fill the pages of my sketchbooks and think of when i sleep. ive given up on being an individual because of all my fears and internalized hatred for original content.

so, now im planning to get over my fears!

i'll still be a bnha blog, if thats what some of you are worried about. im still very much obsessed with deku and will be here for as long as i can manage. but im gonna be trying something new. im gonna try and make my own content now and make things i enjoy. maybe ill finally design my OCs. talk about stories that arent made to be fanfic at all.

and i hope with all my heart that you guys would still be here to enjoy my content along the way :] ♡

#codi.txt #long post #sorry i just needed to get this off my chest. i wanted to finally take the leap and get over my irrational fear #of making OC content and shit aha

[mikuedits]

HEY BITCHES!!! I HAVENT POSTED IN A WHILE!

WOW IVE BEEN AWAY FOR QUITE SOME TIME HAVENT I?? I GOT RLLY INTO D4DJ AND I HAVENT WANTED TO EDIT FOR A WHILE. ILL GET BACK INTO VOCALOID ONCE PJSEKAI IS IN ENGLISH. SO ANYWAY HERES AN UPDATED LIST OF ALL THE EDITING APPS I USE CURRENTLY IN CASE ANY OF YALL WANNA BECOME A MOD LEARN TO EDIT LIKE I DO

SO HERE WE GO! everything is under the cut :)

1. Afterlight. AN UNDERRATED FAVE. seriously this app has it all, and its even better if u can afford to pay the premium. otherwise just screenshot the premium features if u can or use the already good ones they have and Wham there ya go!!

2, PREQUEL. this is one of my new favorites tbh!! it makes my life SO much easier. it has everuthing ud want in an editing app!! effects, filters, adjusting (basic photo editing stuff), text, etc.!! the only thing it doesnt have is overlays which is manageable without considering the variety the filters/effects give.

3. pic collage. HEAR ME OUT. the templates are trash thanks to the watermark so im not talking about those. im talking about the freestyle mode. literally judt make ur edit above the watermark and ur set. its easy and WAY MORE INTUITIVE once u get to know it. its what i use since photoshop isnt on mobile. its also got an in-app image saving feature and an image search engine built in. genuinely, if you use another app for finishing touches and dont care much abt absolute precision, please try it out!! its what i use for practically all my edits, including moodboards and such.

4. canva!! this is what a lot of the quicker and less detailed but still very good editing blogs use. its got assets built in so you don’t have to find things like borders to use. it also has a few animations as a bonus if ur into that!!! its like pic collage otherwise, im just not good at it. props to anyone who can figure it out. i only know how to use it for school ;-;

5. capcut. is it a video editing software? yes. can you put photos in it? also yes. you can see where this is going. slap some effects on that shit or use it for animated headers. you can use it to position transparent images onto backgrounds and then save the video and screenshot it off of your photos. if you’re lazy and wanna just get that old request DONE without it being trash, capcut will be your friend.

6. ft image. for simple things that arent available without premium elsewhere, ft image is your friend. literally Just Vibes. wonderful.

SO THATS YA LIST!! if u wanna see more of me and my edits u can follow my d4dj account @muni-ohnaruto , my main account @ultimatestellar , or my side account @stellarsideshow where i all post edits in some capacity. just look around the blogs to see what i mean lol

anyway YALL HAVE A GOOD DAY ROCK ON IM FUCKIJNNN SLEEPY BYE BYEEE

- mod rin

#mod rin #not an edit #mod rin’s handy dandy list #aesthetic #editing #editing tips

[boybandsim]

leafeana replied to your post: 

WAIT i was just scrolling through your blog cause im hungry for content and saw this again and realized you asked what version i was playing? which i dont remember answering whoops

im playing it on pc! which is great bc then i get to mess around with mods (like the one that gives cindy some real clothing lol) but its also got its downsides since my computer is definitely not a gaming computer, which means graphics take a serious hit and lagging isnt uncommon

im...not sure if its royal edition?? I think windows edition has all the features of royal edition, although im not completely sure. I think luna has a cutscene in Insomnia thats only in royal edition, so once im there ill be able to tell. technically im in Insomnia now but ive time traveled back and it might be a while before i push on to the finale. after dealing with Altissia --> the start of Insomnia linearly i wanted some time to chill with the bros and pretend

everything is fine for a while. it has been a WILD ride for sure and yeah I haven't even started up any of the dlc yet! theres so much content!! ive been practicing playing as the other bros during medium-hard combat which has kept it feeling really fresh too. also its hilarious just blasting bad guys with a bazooka while the other people are in there swinging around swords and knives. and i haven't done any of the crossover quests yet, which seem big and exciting!

ill be forever sad that i missed the assassins festival but theres definitely plenty to do that I'm excited for. and im getting really into the fishing!! charmed is definitely the right word like..its not perfect at all but this game is so genuinely endearing with its characters personalites and development and its themes and music as well and it really does some things SO well.

god okay this is a lot of words. sorry for rambling and for the late reply! no one i know plays this game or has much interest in it so youre getting all my bottled up enthusiasm

PLEASE DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR RAMBLING SEND ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE WORDS AND THOUGHTS AND TALKING ABOUT FFXV DUDE <3333 also literally no worries about late replies or replying at all im forever shit at them myself i get it bro nw nw nw

hell yeah pc is royal edition with a bunch of other shit and the dlcs (bar ardyn) incorporated, dont worry, also i would die for that one cindy in a decent outfit mod i know the exact one youre on about LOL (also i can recommend you some other mods if u like!!)

if i can share some knowledge with you right quick cuz i had the same problem and wouldve died to have someone tell me i went from barely 20fps on a good day to being able to run multiple programs with ffxv in the background; specialk is a very quick install and majorly helped with multithreading; otherwise for the in game options are using low resolution texture pack (assets option); shadows look near visually identical on the lowest option compared to the highest; all nvidia effects can be turned off with no significant graphic change; turning off anti aliasing entirely genuinely makes the game look better for me; i can post my full settings if itll help you and ive also read through a few tutorials for modding around lag so i can try and help you with that, i do get pretty major lag spikes though and frequently find it near impossible to stream/record, but i manage to nail that 60fps on average if im solely running ffxv with a few cut corners like those

also dont blame you with altissia, ngl i boiled through the story rollercoaster right quick after exploring most of the open world before even touching altissia and ended up ignoring all postgame content for starting a new save immediately and replaying just to get that hangout time in the open world that wasnt just go-back-in-time-through-magic-dog. but i feel you so hard dude i just want more of them chilling. literally i have 300 hours in this game already and i know half of those have been using the car listening to tunes LMFAO

yeah the crossover quests are funnn the one with terra wars is sweet and the ffxiv one is SO funny its literally hysterical i was roaring with laughter a couple times!!! and good on you practising i didnt touch any of the extended combat until my third save and yeah honestly if you want to do the postgame menaces those skillsll come in useful, its funny because the maingame bosses arent that hard but the postgame is mental. but yeah i love blowing shit up with proms bazooka it fucking rules nerds can keep their swords

ALSO SAME... i wanna play the promptis date so bad!! i wanna play episode duscae so bad!!! wanna play the platinum demo with baby noctis so bad!! knowing theyll never be ported kills meeeeee. sad & upset but as you say theres so much to do and the dlc honestly offer so much im still finding shit i havent done and ive spent a year playing already

honestly so much of this game for me is literally just booting it to go hang with the guys its really relaxing lmfaooo... hiking around with these goofy dudes. sometimes i just wanna chill with the anime boys. YEAH literally its sweet and charming and then fucking heartbreaking and even though the writing is hammy as hell im honestly so willing to forgive it. not only for the clear amount of care and love that went into specifically building the guys relationship (which anyone knows is the best and most realised part of the game) but the details and amount of lore you can uncover if you take a step and interpret a little. maybe thats too generous a statement for what was an executive nightmare and critically underdeveloped but i grew up on ffxiii and knowing the versus 13 lore and that ffxv was part of that extended canon im satisfied with it being another side to that story and running with that. i think supplemented with its additional content years after release ffxv isnt a complete experience but enough of one to leave an impact or at least it did majorly for me! ive been obsessed.

OMG sorry im nerding too its all good lol just genuinely i love this game and its hard to find people talking about it these days but i really had such a good time and still am continuing to and i love it fuck it ball hard

real shit though it has the best fishing minigame of all time hands down nothing has come close fuck the haters

#readmore for dashboards

[cinnbar-bun]

RFA + V+ Saeran Acting As a Guardian to Teenage! MC

A/n: Have some headcanons to soothe the pain I just caused

Under the cut since it’s a long one! MC is about 16 in this one!

Also: might include some spoilers!!!

Yoosung

Finally, he wasn’t the youngest anymore! 

He was so excited to meet you and honestly he was all sunshine and rainbows as he talked about how you were like a little sibling to him

So gushing and doting, he’s more of an older sibling than a parental figure, but he still does it so well

Always brags to his guildmates he has the best sibling ever, and he will fight (and lose horribly) to anyone who tries to say otherwise

Very concerned over you since you’re so young and caught up in the RFA’s mishaps. 

So proud of anything you do, even getting out of bed makes him cheer for you

Always cooks for you, anything you want, he’ll make for you. 

He won’t admit it until he’s at his worst- when the depression and the grief from losing Rika really gets to him- but he looks up to you. He kinda gets jealous of how young and talented you are (even if you don’t think so), and wishes to become better so you have someone actually worthwhile to look up to (in his mind). 

He doesn’t seem to think that you like him, he still assumes he’s a bit of a nuisance and someone else could be better. You however, love him a lot and value his presence in your life. You don’t think you would’ve been as motivated without his help!

Sometimes he can get a bit irresponsible and you need to drag his butt to bed so he doesn’t game so much. 

Taking care of you has been a roller coaster for both of you, but he still feels a lot better since you’re here. He has cut down on his bad habits and has slowly grown from his past issues. 

If you talk about how you’re going on a date, he’ll cry. 

“Waaaaaahhhhhh!!! How are you going on dates before I am????” 

He’s supportive though, and makes sure your date actually cares for you. Probably the only one on this list you don’t have to worry about when saying you’re seeing someone

Zen

Okay so the first moment you met him on the messenger, you flipped out. 

“ZEN??? AS IN THE ZEN???? JDSFJNAJGNLSJN OH MY GOD CAN YOU STEP ON ME?????”

Jaehee also feels you but outwardly tells you to relax

He goes full on dad mode. He immediately checks himself and everyone else, anything above a ‘g’ rating and he’s flipping out. No more flirting, no more swearing, no more smoking, he’s gotta be a father figure somehow.

Once he cools down, he finds that his paternal instincts come naturally. He is very easy to talk to and is easily your biggest supporter. He wants you to feel confident in yourself and see that he’s got your back no matter what happens, something he didn’t have growing up. 

If you say you wanna act or join theater (especially if it’s because of him) he’ll just cry. He’ll sob about how his ‘child’ is the most precious thing in the world. 

He’s a straight up PTA dad afterwards, always going to your school when he can and checking up on you. 

All the mothers and teachers try to hit on him but he ignores them because his shining little star is there

He goes to all of your shows, all of your concerts, ANYTHING that involves potentially watching you do something, he is there in a second. 

After anything, whether you give a speech or a finished a performance, he’s there with a large bouquet of flowers. He’s so proud of you and he feels so enthusiastic about you. 

His narcissism drops about 200% because now he’s focused on you. His phone is full of pictures of you and your accomplishments, and after anything he makes sure to say it in the RFA messenger. 

He’s really easy to have a heart to heart with because you’re his precious little angel and he’s just as (if not more) emotional as you. 

HOWEVER!!! DO NOT!! I REPEAT!!! DO NOT MENTION DATING!!! THIS MAN WILL GO WALK UP TO WHOEVER YOU LIKE/DATING AND WILL GO INTO A FISTFIGHT WITH THEM. 

He screams when you mention guys- ‘MEN ARE WOLVES!! THEY ARE HORRIBLE!! THEY ARE DISGUSTING DO NOT EVER DATE!! YOU ARENT ALLOWED TO DATE UNTIL IM DEAD AND YOURE 80!!’

Jumin

So, let’s cut to the chase, you REEALLy liked the fact Jumin was rich. 

“Wow, so I DON’T have to starve everyday???” 

Jumin is...not the most emotional at first. He is just getting used to having to take care of you so it will be a while before he opens up. 

Jumin is great for when you want to rant or need to blow off steam. He doesn’t say anything and just listens to you. However, it’s horrible when you want emotional/physical comfort. 

He tries, he really does, but since he grew up so detached with his emotions he immediately thinks you’re dramatic. It isn’t until Jaehee (and perhaps Zen too) step in and say how he can’t keep brushing off your feelings 

So, he decides to try even harder and understand the enigma that is a teenage mind. 

It’s difficult as shit

After a while, he begins to learn all your cues and patterns, and understands what you want when you need it. He can read you like an open book now and knows when he should give you space or step in and comfort you. 

He’s actually really good at it 

He is always pampering you to the extreme. You watch tv and muse, “cool... there’s a new video game out.” and forget moments later, he immediately walks in with over a hundred games and pre-ordered, deluxe gold editions of them. 

He is the prime example of a father figure at this point, and all your friends get jealous.

He only gives you the best and will settle for nothing less. You are practically his own child at this point and like HELL is he gonna give you anything he discerns as not worthy. 

He likes taking you out for nice strolls after you beg ask for you two to hang out. You always get excited at seeing a simple cafe or mannequin with a cute outfit, and he wonders at how nice it must be to be so innocent

Plenty of outlets had contacted him about you, but he makes sure your privacy is secure. He doesn’t want anyone taking advantage of you or getting too personal

But they do manage to capture snippets of you two walking, and some misunderstandings have occurred due to it

“Jumin Han is dating a minor!” 

“Jumin Han has child after affair with mistress!” 

He gets fed up with the rumors and explains right away that you are NOT his lover, and you are NOT his actual child. He lies and says you were the child of a good friend of his, because explaining what actually happened would be weird

He is one of the worst when you say you’re dating someone. He will hound his security guards to watch EVERYTHING you to do, and he WILL have 707 do a background check on whoever you are going out with. 

“What are they doing?” “Uhhh...they’re eating.” “What about now?” “Still eating sir.” “Are his hands visible?” “Yes sir, he’s using them to eat a burger.” “B-burger? Where are they at?!” “McDonald’s sir...” “What kind of lousy date is this, why did (Y/n) accept this, does he think he’s good enough for my child with his peasant lifestyle???” “Sir...they’re 16????” 

All in all, he’s trying to be a good father figure and guardian that he never really had growing up. But he’s so prideful at seeing how much you mature, and even though he’s blunt sometimes, he hopes you understand he loves you a lot. 

He also tries dad jokes, but they’re so weird because obviously he rehearsed it and he says it so stoically that it makes it even funnies. 

Jaehee

Jaehee is a sweet woman, and she is like your best friend and mother rolled into one. 

She is so caring and considerate of your feelings, and is your number one supporter. 

She may seem kinda stand-offish, and kind of annoyed because she’s already incredibly busy now she has to take care of someone else and-

Whoops now she’s in the PTA and runs it like a damn boss. She is all over your studies and fights the faculty if she feels the school is not running in tip top shape. 

She gets exhausted a lot, as Jumin isn’t exactly the easiest boss to work for. 

It was kind of hard at first, sometimes she wouldn’t come home until way after midnight, and she’d see your body passed out on the couch with a note on the table about how you tried to make her dinner. 

Even though it wasn’t the best, knowing you tried so hard to stay up for her as well as cooking for her made the food taste even better than anything a five star restaurant could have made. 

So she tries to make it up to you in any way she can. She’ll pick you up your favorite movie or snack on her way home, or even little cute gifts that reminded her of you. 

She writes down any information she knows about you, and makes sure to write about your friends and teachers so she can keep up with you. 

She gushes about Zen a lot, and you were a fan too, so you both would binge watch his movies and clips of him. ANY piece of media involving Zen was devoured by you two. 

You two were constantly picking each other up and giving gifts, and when it was Jaehee’s birthday, you wrote her a letter about how much she meant to you and even got Zen to sign a poster for her! 

It was also the first time you called her ‘mom’, and even though the Zen poster is proudly hung up in her office, she can’t help but smile at how you called her that. 

She is a huge advocate of following your dreams. She does complain about how awful it is to work for Jumin sometimes, so she hopes to god you do something you love. 

You also convinced her to start her own cafe! You helped her as much as you could, and she was just...so ecstatic. 

Jaehee is easy to talk to, she is always prepared with good advice and comforting words. 

Probably the second easiest to talk to about dating. She is hesitant at first because one, you’re young and stupid, and two, she just doesn’t trust people. 

707/ Saeyoung

Okay, everyone in the RFA was hesitant to allow him to take care of you. They trusted him when it came to his work, but this was an actual human being. He could hardly take care of himself, how would he even take care of you???

Surprisingly, he’s an awesome guardian

A lot of them didn’t believe it at first and they were like ‘blink twice if he isn’t feeding you’ but you shrug and insist he’s great

He’s very nurturing and protective of you, and he sort of sees this as a second chance to make up for when he couldn’t help his brother. 

He’s really good in the fact that he’ll allow you your space to grow, but he will step in if you’re out of line or in trouble

Will NOT hesitate to ruin someone’s life if they dare hurt you. He’s got connections and the prowess and like hell is someone gonna make his child cry. 

Saeyoung is still as corny and crazy as he is in the chatroom, but in these instances with you, he means it a lot. He does anything he can to make you smile, even if it means he’d get hurt. 

He is a lot calmer though with you, and his parental instincts kick in a lot more. The RFA was shocked to see him actually change some of his poor quality of life skills as a means to be a better guardian to you. 

When he needs to go on a mission, he entrusts Jumin or Vanderwood to take care of you. 

He never tells you about those dangerous missions, he only says he’s going to be at a conference out of the country. 

He always makes sure to get you a souvenir or gift when he comes back from those trips. 

Joy rides in his cars!! He loves to take you to the beach or sightseeing whenever he can. 

He stills eats poorly, but it really makes him melt when you offer him some dinner you cooked for him. He started screaming and Yoosung (who was on the other end of the phone call) felt his ears bleed. 

He gets so excited for your cooking, like he stops his work just to take a bite of your grub. 

He hacks to get movies that weren’t even released to the public yet so you both could watch it on your downtime. He’s a hardcore softie though and you still have yet to see him shut up or not sob all over you as you two watch. 

“You’re getting snot on me!!!” “I’M sorry it’s just....oh my god how could this even happen??????” 

You accidentally called him ‘dad’ one time and he lost it. He was jumping for joy and hugging you in a death grip, screaming, “IM A FATHER!!!!!” 

Oh and he will definitely not pass up the opportunity to make some Star Wars references. 

You can’t hide anything from him. He tries to not be snoopy but holy shit you did not know just how far he’d go when it came to keeping tabs on you. 

By the time he was done he knew the name of your first grade crush, an incident where you kicked your own self, and how old you were when you got your first cavity. 

Likewise, he will already know if you’re crushing/dating someone. He’ll pretend he doesn’t know, but secretly do a background check. 

OKay so this definitely happened on your first date out with your crush, you two went out for milkshakes when your phone started sounding like Saeyoung’s voice. 

“HEY YOUNG MAN BOTH HANDS ON THE TABLE NOW!!!” 

You both started SCREAMING and had to be told to shut up by the staff because what the hell, your phone was talking! 

You screamed at him later on to mind his damn business

And god help whoever you were dating if they hurt you. 

This man will go ballistic and start hacking their things like a crazy psycho

“DONT WORRY, GOD SEVEN WILL FIX THIS!!!!” 

But seriously, this man adores you to the bottom of his heart. He’s made many mistakes in the past, but you will sure as hell not be another one of them. Anything you ask of him, he’ll gladly do!

V

V is a great guardian for those who don’t like pressure or stress. He’s so soothing and relaxing.

Hardly will ever raise his voice at you, and he practically never gets angry at you

He can’t see that well, but he seems to have a sixth sense that just makes him know where you are and when you are in danger. 

He likes taking you out to more scenic ventures, maybe even get you into photography as well!!

He has so many pictures of you, you are like his favorite subject

He even made an exhibit just based on you, and after that, he got a lot of calls about who you were. He made sure they know that you are basically his child

He feels incredibly guilty you had to go through this whole mess. He really wishes nothing bad would happen and you just didn’t have to get involved, but you always encourage him and say you don’t mind, you met him because of it!

He melts and cries a bit later on

If you call him ‘dad’ he gets so happy, like he finally feels like he actually did something right for once

But occasionally he doubts himself and can get kinda stand-offish in fear of how he might hurt you later on

He doesn’t make the same mistakes this time, and he makes sure you can get the help you need. He’s not gonna allow you to hurt yourself or others, and he won’t enable negative behaviors. 

He doesn’t talk about Rika to you. That was one of the worst moments in his life, and he thinks you’ll hate him because of it. 

You don’t- and he wonders what he did to deserve you

V is not an idiot. He may be partially blind but oh honey, he WILL know if you are dating someone. Don’t ask how, he does. 

He’s chill about it, but makes sure you understand what you are getting into. He’ll sit you down and start questioning you or your date’s intentions

It’s a side effect from his past with Rika, he doesn’t want you hurt, nor does he want you to hurt someone else. 

He makes you have clear and concise boundaries

He’ll let you do as you please, just please, for everything holy in this world, let him know where you are and be back before 10. 

If you get into a bad breakup he’s there to comfort you but also calls 707 to use his special skillset

I feel like V would use a lot of dad jokes. Like he doesn’t even know where it comes from and he’ll just say one, and 707 flips out.

Overall, just a calm dude who really loves you a lot. You’re allowed to grow and be your own person, but within some boundaries. He’ll stop at nothing to keep your smile. 

Unknown/ Saeran

Okay so... he feels weird. You’re a child. A damn child. 

He gets very conflicted because he gets flashbacks of how he was taken at a young age

He starts off as incredibly scary, staring you down to make you fear for your life, but you notice right away he’s become...softer

If anything, now he feels guilty. You were nice to him, even though he did all these things to you...

Saeran becomes a guard dog to you, watching over you like a hawk. 

As thanks, sometimes you would make him sweets

He loves them a lot, they’re now his favorite things

Pretty soon, a friendship begins to form, and then a feeling of guardianship over you. 

He’s noticeably a lot nicer and softer to you, he’ll be cussing out his brother in one moment but then if you ask him for something, he’ll stop and bend down to your level and answer you. 

Saeyoung finds this incredibly hilarious and nice

Saeran feels a lot better having you around. He feels a lot safer and happier, and knowing that you are safe and happy makes him even more excited. 

He likes gardens, so he takes you to them a lot, and he even decided to start one with you

On special days, or days when you are feeling down, he’ll get you a special bouquet of flowers with different meanings to cheer you up!

Baking is also a special hobby between you two. Sweets in general are where you two bond, so occasionally you two go out and try different sweet shops, cafes, or parlors. 

You two always rank your fave desserts and places

Do not, I repeat, do NOT tell him about/mention/ or even THINK of dating. He’ll probably beat the crap out of whoever you’re dating because, ‘they are not worth it’

Very strict and will throw hands with anyone checking you out- he’s like an angry dog 

Oh dear, if your date makes you sad or upset they will be dead. Saeran will take no shit if they made you frown, and they better start praying for their safety. 

You and Saeyoung have to hold him back before he murders your date

He still has his anxious moments where his past may catch up and he’ll freak out, but you are one of the few that can easily coax him out of it. He’d never hurt you at all

If you refer to him as ‘dad’ I think he might feel his heart flutter but also feel nervous...what if he becomes like his dad? What if he hurts you or can’t protect you? 

He’ll definitely teach you self-defense but Saeyoung will step in when he tries to teach you how to use a pistol because ‘SAERAN THEY’RE 16, DO NOT DO THAT!!!!’ 

He has his days when he’s more lax about you, but also has days when he’s breathing down your neck

It’ll take him a long time to be considered a ‘good’ guardian, please be patient, and gently let him know how he should improve. 

He’s not good at dealing with your emotions. All he knows how to do is punch whatever made you feel sad, but he quickly learns he can’t do that, and takes advice from all the RFA to help you. 

You can fight me but he probably has bought some guidebooks or pamphlets to try and learn to take care of you, and he’s LOST. 

“So to comfort them, I hug them...then ask how they’re feeling? Okay, but then it says they might want space? So how do I know? IT DOESN’T EVEN SAY WHEN! WHAT THE HELL? WHAT A WASTE OF MY DAMN MONEY!” He chucks it across the room before promptly picking it up and trying to read it again

He sees a lot of shows and tries to do stereotypical ‘family’ things, but quickly realizes that neither of you are enjoying it and he breathes a sigh of relief because holy hell that made him so uncomfortable. 

You both are pretty blunt with what you feel so you’re both on the same page, and try to work it accordingly. 

Okay on occasion he’s got you outfits that are similar to his so you both can match and he loves it so much

The most awkward dad jokes. EVER. You’ll be like, ‘hey I’m hungry’, and he’ll remember that he read on a parenting website that dad jokes make your connection stronger or something, so he’ll murmur, ‘hi hungry, I’m dad’. You didn’t know whether to laugh or cry because he was in physical pain after saying that. 

You both got a lot to work on, but he tries. Really. And he’s so happy he met you, and he’ll make sure you grow up with a better childhood than he did. Nothing is too big or too small for him to do. 

#mystic messenger #mystic messenger x reader #mystic messenger imagines #platonic #707 #yoosung #jumin han #kim yoosung #luciel choi #jumin #zen #jaehee #saeran #ray #v #writing #headcanons #long post

[fatrainbowmermaidunicorn]

Home (Taehyung x You ONESHOT)

A/N: this song is inspired by an uprising band in my country called Insomniacks - Pulang (which means "come back" or "come back home") They started of as a YouTube band and wrote their own songs too! This story is inspired by their MV. If you have spotify you can listen to it, I believe that to all Kpop fans out there, language wont be a barrier to appreciate good music ❤

Also, this story is not finished yet. Think of it as a part 1 if you may. (Its a oneshot actually) I havent finished it yet but I haven posted for such a long time so I just want to post this first. This is not throughly edited yet. will fully edited once I posted the whole thing but hope you enjoy it since im a bit rusty now.

ITS DONE GUYS. ITS THE COMPLETE STORY

Warnings: Rape Scenes

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here. if anyone here like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

MASTERLIST

"What is this story about?" Taehyung lazily thumb through the script on the table in front of him.

"In the nutshell, about an unrequited love. A lot of cheating, hurting and how the main female character gets over it. You will play the man who broke her heart," his manager explains briefly. "I know, I know. Its sounds like a typical love story. But its good exposure for you to start taking roles in a romantic drama. Armys would love that,"

"Hmm, I guess?" Taehyung, still thumbing through, not really believing his manager's words.

"And its also by an award winning writer and publisher. And she will guide the director all the way. Its going to be a hit Tae," his manager desperately tries to convince him once again.

"Yeah? Who is this award winning writer and publisher?" Taehyung looks at him, curious.

"You will surely know her. Shes too famous not to be known by anyone," the manager grins, sure that Taehyung wont say no once he heard the popular name. "Its L/N Y/N,"

"What?" Taehyung turns his head so fast it gives him a whiplash

"L/N Y/N. Shocking right? But your trusty manager manage to get you the role in her movies!"

"Y-Y/N?"

/////

"Y/N!"

Y/N pushes her glasses up her nose as she turns around to the source of the voice and saw one Kim Taehyung walking, no, sauntering over to her like he owns the school. Well, in some way, he really does owns the school. Everyone knows who Kim Taehyung is. Not just in the school, but in the whole town. Granted, its a small town, but Kim Taehyung just leave a mark on everyone he met. Guys wants to be him, or atleast gets close to him and girls will do anything to date him, parents admires him and teachers adores him. People would do anything just so for him to know their name, or even just hearing him call their name, which in some miracle, he is calling hers.

"M-me?" Y/N points to herself as Taehyung flashes her his incredible grin that could melt hearts, hers not an exception.

"Who else princess? I dont know any other Y/N," he smirks and hugs her waist, walking by her side, which turns all eyes on her. If it wasnt her in this surreal position, she would be staring too. Kim Taehyung with his hands around a girl's waist? Even worse, a nobody, nerdy, smarty pants who has her nose in a book all day. The girl who doesnt even have a single friend throughout her high school years?

"I-uh.."

"Speechless?" Taehyung winks. "Well, thats how I feel when I first saw you too princess,"

"W-what?" Y/N makes a sudden stop in the middle of the hallway the moment those words came out from his mouth and pushes her glasses back up on her nose, taking a good hard look at Taehyung who is still smirking at her. "Is this a dream? I'm dreaming arent I?" She lets out a loud laugh. "Yeah, that must be it. I'm dreaming. I'm in my bed right now, under my blankets, in a deep sleep. There is no way Kim Taehyung knows my name, is walking beside me, hugging my waist and calling me princess. Yeah, a dream. Definitely a dream," Y/N babbled on her own and Taehyung cant help but admire how ridiculously adorable she is. Y/N reached out her hand and touched his face. "Even in my dreams you look so ethreal," she smiles. "And you feel so real too,"

Taehyung burst out laughing. Oh wow, she really thinks shes dreaming.

How-freaking-adorable.

He leaned in and whisper to her ears, "Keep on touching me princess, and something else might go down today," he winks as his smirks gets bigger.

Y/N smiles.

"This is really an amazing dream," she giggles. Shaking his head and laughing, Taehyung slowly leans in, one hand cupping her chin and the other holding the back of her neck as his lips softly touches hers. Wide eyed and surprised, Y/N touched her lips once Taehyung pulled away, smiling.

"Still believe its a dream princess?"

"D-did you really just kissed me?" She stuttered, eyes still wide.

"Yes. And theres a lot more where that come from," Taehyung grins and leans in to whisper in her ears, his warm breath grazing her ears, finally making Y/N realized that she is definitely not dreaming, and Kim Taehyung did really just kissed her. "Oh princess? You better believe that all this is real. You are mine now,"

/////

Everything become official so fast. Taehyung was the perfect boyfriend.YN still couldnt believe it sometime. That she is Kim Taehyung's girlfriend. That Kim Taehyung is really, sincerely, happily in love with her.

Their relationship was happy and perfect. Taehyung never gave her any reason to doubt his feelings for her. They are the perfect couple, even her parents approved. Even when Taehyung was accepted as a trainee, something she never thought would happen.. oh who is she kidding, with that face and talent, of course he would get casted, no miracle there. But what is a miracle is how Taehyung's feelings for her never changed even when he is on the brink of fame, stress and debuting.

Things between them only starts to shake when Taehyung starts to get close to another trainee. Beautiful, talented Min Soo. Y/N trusts him, she really does. But theres also a limit on how much a girlfriend can take to see her boyfriend being close to another girl. Especially a beautiful one that matches him in every way.

What is once a peaceful relationship, starts to be filled with fights and doubts. Especially when Taehyung starts to pay more time and attention to Min Soo, under the false excuse of practicing and rehearsing. Dates cancelled everytime Min Soo called has been a norm to Y/N now, but she thought things were different when Taehyung suddenly asks her out on a super romantic date night. She strongly believe that Taehyung is finally realizing his mistake and is making it up to her.

Dressed to the nines and brimming with excitement, Y/N waited for her beloved boyfriend. She almost thought that Taehyung would cancel last minute like he usually does, but he showed up just in time and impecabbly dressed too. The night went well. Great even. Taehyung was romantic, sweet and everything he is when they first met... until Min Soo calls him, asking for his help for a cheaography.

"Really Tae?" Y/N pouts. "Cant you just tell her that we are on a date? You spend all your time practicing, I barely even see you this week,"

"Princess, you know this debut is important to me and Min Soo is helping me. Its only right that I helped her with hers too," Taehyung sighed, too tired to argue. Its like this every single damn time and he is exhausted.

"But Tae..  you promised that this will be our night. Please Tae? Just tonight. Spend it with me?" Y/N hold his hand and looks at his face softly, trying to find back the man Taehyung once were. The man that made her fall so madly in love before.

"This is work. Dont you understand?! You know how important this is to me!" Taehyung sighed, his voice slightly rising.

"I know it is Tae. But arent I important too?" Y/N tries to control her sadness. "I'm only asking for an hour or two. I'm sure Min Soo can wait,"

"Shes important to me Y/N! I need to do this!"

Y/N's mouth hand open. Did he just said what he just said? Did Taehyung really just said she?

"S-he?" She repeated his words. "She as in Min Soo? Shes more important to you isnt she?"

"N-no. You know what I meant. I meant this is important to me! My career! You said you will be supportive Y/N! You know I am doing this for us. For our future!"

"Supportive in your career, yes! Not supportive when your boyfriend is out with.. with.. another bitch!" Y/N yells out. With her good girl reputation, she never cursed. Not once, but she cant handle it anymore. Her heart is breaking with every second they soend arguing.

"What did you call her?" Taehyung growls.

"A bitch! I called her a bitch! Thats what she is Tae! Shes stealing you away from me!" Tears already rolling down her cheeks. Taehyung will usually do anything to make sure Y/N never cries, but apparenty tonight is nit one of those time. This time he is fuming with anger and he dont even know why.

"Y/N, I'm warning you. Dont call her that!"

"Why? Because shes your girlfriend now?! Then what am I? Why are you even with me right now?!"

"God, what part cant you understand. Its fucking work! And work is important to me!"

"Oh bullshit Tae! Just admit it! Its not work thats important! Its Min Soo! Just be a man and admit it!" Tears are no longer containable and is streaming wildly down Y/N's face. Taehyung kept quiet for a while, most probably thinking and after a while, with a sharp glare he opened his mouth.

"She is so much important than you in every way. Can you just please get the hell out of my car?"

/////

"Oh Hyun Joo? What are you doing here? Did Tae sent you here?" Y/N smiles at him as the car stopped by her side and the windows rolled down to show Hyun Joo's big innocent smile. She knew it. There is no way Taehyung would leave her alone like this. Maube it really just work. An emergency. She should make it up to him tomorrow.

"Yeah he did. Come in," Hyun Joo smiles and unlock the door for her to climb in.

Without hesitation and doubt, she climbed into the car. Hyun Joo is Taehyung's best friend. She kust be important to hin if he sent his best friend to get her. The pain fron Taehyung leaving her alone in a dark, unknown place starts to melt away. She just loves him too much. After Taehyung asks her to get out from his car, Y/N was left alone in the dark scary road, far away from anywhere and her phone batteries had ran out. Scared and terrified, she walks along the darkened road, trying to find safety, still believing that Taehyung will come back. Maybe she can make Taehyung treat her to ice cream and a nice date to make up for tonight. She knows she shouldnt be forgiving him so easily, but what can she say. Shes whipped for him. Taehyung is her everythinf. She will forgive him in a heartbeat the moment he apologizes. Lost in thoughts, it took Y/N a while to realized that it has started to rain heavily and Hyun Joo has stopped the car.

"Why are we stopping? Is something wrong?" She looks over at the man, concerned.

"Yeah. We have a flat tire. Sorry, but i have to change it. Do you mind coming out with me and holding the umbrella for me?"

"Of course I will do that," she smiles and gets out in the heavy rain, holding the huge umbrella over the two of them as Hyun Joo crouched down to the tires. After a few minutes of fussing over, he suddenly stands up and turns to face her, eyes dark and changing.

"H-Hyun Joo? Everything okay?"

"Do you even know how beautiful you are?" He hold the handle of the umbrella, hands gripping over hers. "Why is Tae such an idiot? You are a million times better than Min Soo,"

"H-Hyun Joo? Why are you acting like this? I-is everything okay?" Y/N starts to panic. Her heartbeat starts to beat faster as she realized that shes in the middle of no where and no one to help her. But Hyun Joo wont do anything right? He must be playing around. He's Taehyung best friend. This must be a joke. Nothing else. Just a joke.

"Everything is definitely okay, princess," Hyun Joo smirks. The pet name coming out from his mouth sounded so sinister to her ears. "Now that I finally got you alone, everything is more than okay," he grins and grips her hand, pulling her and pushed her into the backseat, making Y/N fall helplessly on the seat, startled. "Why Taehyung huh?! Why Tar princess? I've been waiting for you for years! And one look from that luing, manipulating playboy and you are suddenly head over heels in love with him?!" He yells as he leans in, forcefully trying to kiss her but Y/N tilt her head dodging his face.

"Hyun Joon no! Please dont!" In panic she managed to kick him hard and pushed him before scrambling to the other side and runs out from the other door. Now more enraged from the kick, Hyun Joo chases after her, lust now combined with anger.

"You bitch! You wont get away with this!" Hyun Joon is not the school's athlete for nothing as he catches up with her so easily and drags her back to the car. Although she tried to wriggle and scream, doing everything she can, Hyun Joon is noticably stronger, overwhelming her in a second. "Stop resisting princess and it will be just as enjoyable to you. I can make you feel so much better than Taehyung can,"

Y/N spits in his face as one last attempt and that just resulted in making him angrier, making Hyun Joo pushed her down on the wet, dirt road.

"I tried to be nice to you princess, but you want the rough way huh? You like it rough?" He towers over her and slaps her multiple times, adding a few punches in order to weakens her resistance.

"D-dont please dont. Help. Somebody help!" Y/N screams as loud as she can but the rain drowned out everything. Using his strength, he captured both of her hands and use the other hand to ripped open the top of her dress.

"T-Taehyung... save me. P-please. I'm sorry," was the last thing she managed to whisper out, as tears that streams down her face mixed up with the heavy rain, closing her eyes tight, already numb from the pain and cold, blocking the smirk on Hyun Joo's face from her eyes.

/////

"Its okay. She wont know. And you know you are meant to be with someone like me," Min Soo smile. Shes beautiful, thats for sure. And just like all the other teenage boys out there beauty is everything. So, erasing Y/N entirely from his mind, Taehyung leans in, his lips touching her, hands roaming at the hem of Min Soo's shirt as hers fiddled with his buttons.

Its okay. Y/N wont know a thing.

/////

Taehyung woke up smiling the next day. He had spent an amazing night with Min Soo and he still has his amazing girlfriend. He loves Y/N, he really does. But temptation is everywhere. And he is just a young hot blooded man. All he has to do today is make up to Y/N with some nice date and all will be okay again. He is sure of it. Y/N was never able to resist him. She will forgive him in a heartbeat and everything will go back to the way it was. He is sure Hyun Joo has taken her home safely last night anyway.

However, he cant find Y/N anywhere the next day. He tried calling but her phone is shut down. Is she sick? Maybe. Taehyung will just go and see her after school then. He tries to find Hyun Joo, wanting to know if everything goes well after he asks him to get Y/N, but his best friend is also not in sight.

Weird.

After the first period, rumors starts to buzz that Hyun Joo is arrested, for what, none of the students are sure. Some says murder, some says vandalism, but nothing is for sure. Puzzled, Taehyung tried to get some information about his best friend, but no one tells him anything. Even Hyun Joo's parents refused to speak to anyone or try to clarify things.

More confused about whats going on in school today, Taehyung decided to immediately went off to Y/N's house, knowing he will feel much better the moment he saw her beautiful smile. He definitely didnt expect to be greeted so coldly by Y/N's parents as they opened the door.

"Hi Mr and Mrs L/N. Y/N didnt come to school today so I came to visit her. Is she okay?" Taehyung flashed his signature boxy smile. Y/N's parents loves him and is always welcoming and incredibly warm but something felt off today.

"Stay the hell away from my daughter and dont you ever come back here!" Taehyung was taken aback by what Y/N's father just said to him.

"S-sir?"

"I said get the hell out of here and get out from my daughter's life! What kind of a bastard leave a young girl alone in the dark after he promised her parents that he would take her home safe and sound!" Y/N's father yelled and her mother starts crying, which confuses Taehyung even more. Is he that angry over last night? But he didnt leave her alone. He asks Hyun Joo to pick her up!

"Sir! I'm sorry that I have to bail out from the date last night. But something came up!  I-"

"Something came up?!" Y/N's father move forward and grip Taehyung's collar. "After everything that happened last night, your reason is something came up?!" Taehyung's eyes widen. Did her father know about him and Min Soo?

"B-but sir. Can I just please see Y/N? I can explain it to her. I called Hyu-"

"Dont you dare mention that name in front of us ever again!" A powerful punch flies over Taehyung's handsome face, making him fall to the ground. "You and your no good best friend better get out from Y/N's life forever if you dont want to share his jail cell!"

With that the door is slammed shut.

Still as confused as ever, Taehyung tried calling Y/N every day and night for a week but her phone is soon out of reach. And after a week, he is met with the news that Y/N and her whole family has moved away.

Y/N moved away. Without a goodbye or a last I love you, she left. His first true love left.

And all Taehyung can think about is the last thing he ever said to her.

She is more important than you in every way. Can you just please get the hell out of my car?

/////

"Y-Y/N, h-hi. Its been so long," Taehyung stuttered. He cant believe Y/N is standing in front of him right now. His first love, his one true love. He tried to look for her for years and failed miserably. She is still as beautiful as he remembered, making his heart skipped a beat. He cant believe shes here now, and... and.. smiling?

"Hi, I'm Y/N. You must be Kim Taehyung? Its nice to meet you," she lets out a smile so warm, it makes Taehyung's heart flutter as much as it hurts that shes pretending that she didnt know him.

"Y-Y/N, its me. Tae. You dont remember me?" He looks at her confused face. "I-I know seeing me again must be terrible for you, but please, dont pretend like you dont know me,"

Y/N starts to furrow her eyebrows at what he is saying, a confused look etched on her face,  giving weird looks to her manager who only looks back at the two of them with sympathy.

"I'm really sorry. I dont know what you are talking about. Did we meet before? Maybe I didnt notice you at an event? I'm sorry, but I really cant recall," Y/N smile politely and smile at him. "I-I mean, I know you are from that famous group. BTS right?" Y/N quickly corrected herself, afraid she might have offended the big superstar. Taehyung looks at her, dumbfounded. How can her sincere smile matched with what she is saying?

"Y/N! Why are you doing this?" Taehyung starts to get frustrated. "How can you not remember me?! We are-"

"I'm sorry Mr. Kim, but I think you should come with me for a moment," her manager interrupt, bowing politely to them and smiling at Y/N. Sighing and defeated, Taehyung followed the manager with no complaint, eager to know whats going on. He leads him to a corner, far away from Y/N's confused looks.

"Mr. Kim? Is it safe for me to assumed that you have known Ms. Y/N from way back? Say.. in her teenage years?" Her manager looks straight at his face.

"Yes!" Taehyung quickly confirmed. "We went to the same school together! In fact, I am her b-" Taehyung stop himself once he realized what hes about to say.

"Yes Mr. Kim?"

"H-her boyfriend," Taehyung admitted defeatedly. "From a long time ago. In high school,"

"Wait!" The manager gasps. "Are you saying you are her boyfriend? From her hometown?"

"Yes! Did she talk about me?" Taehyung's face turned into a smile. Maybe Y/N did still have feelings for him if she told her manager about hin right?

"Uh.. no. Not particularly,"

"O-oh.." Taehyung's reaction immediately darkened. "Then why did you ask?"

"Well, uh Mr Kim. Seeing your reaction, I can safely say that you most probably didnt know,"

"Know what?"

"She didnt talk about you not because shes angry.. or hates you... its uh.. its because she cant remember,"

"Cant remember? What do you mean? It doesnt happen that long ago!"

"Ms Y/N.. well.. she uh.. she lost her memory.."

"What?!" Taehyung was shocked. What is this man saying?

"Miss Y/N was involved in an accident. A very... tragic accident," her manager looks at him with sympathetic eyes.

"W-what do you mean? Tell me!" Taehyung shakes his shoulders. "Tell me right now!"

"Uh well... it happened when she was 16. She uh was left in the middle of the night, in the middle of no where. Her parents said it was her boyfriend back then, but it cant be right? Why would a boyfriend left his girl in the middle of no where,"

Taehyung gulps. Memories of that night starts flashing back like a vivid slideshow.

"And I think the person who left her promised that someone will come and get her, because he really needs to go. An emergency, I think?"

"Okay! I fet it. That bastard left her alone! Can you just get to the bloody point?!" Taehyung is getting impatient, making the manager looks at him weirdly at his massive interest in the story.

"Uh well.. I dont know how long she waited, but it started raining heavily, and that person did come.. but uh.."

"What?!"

"She uh.. got raped,"

"W-what?!" Taehyung feels like his world is spinning. Y/N got raped? B-by who? I-it cant be Hyun Joo right? It just cant be! Oh mu god, is that why he is arrested? "S-she what?" Legs shaky, Taehyung almost collapsed but the manager hold him, worried.

"Are you okay Mr Kim?"

"W-what happened?" Taehyung doesbt care about himself. He just wants to know what happened to his baby.

"Uh well. She was raped when shes 16. It was a dark time for her family. Shes a good student, an amazing one, and a good daughter," her manager sighed  "but I guess she mingled with the wrong crowd? S-she didnt just got raped. She was beaten half to death by the assaulter. I guess he did that to weakend her before doing the deed? I figured she must have tried to fight back... but a fragile 16 year old girl against a man?" Her manager looks down sadly. The whole night flashed back like vivid memory in Taehyung's mind. The heavy rain, Min Soo's laughter, kisses, the sin he did that night, how he shuts down his phone and slept so soundly that night. All those happening while Y-Y/N got raped? Y/N must have been so scared.

No. She must have been terrified.

She must have called out his name, but he... he wasnt there to save her.

"After everything is done, she was just left there, to die I guess. The injury on her head and body was so severe the police assumed the assaulter was sure she would die and nobody would find her there,"

That fucking asshole! He left her to die? His Y/N? Taehyung clenched his fist so hard, his nails left marks so deep in his palms.

"But her parents sends out a search party when she didnt come home that night. Her boyfriend's phone was shut down too. When they found her, she was barely alive and keep repeating the assaulter's name before passing out. When she wakes up the next day, Ms Y/N has lost all memory. Every single thing up to that night. She can only remember basic things like her parents and her name  The doctor said she was badly traumatized and her mind refused to remember what happened. In order to save their daughter from the pain of remembering, her parents thought that keeping her in the blind is the best thing for her and move away shortly after to create a new memory for her somewhere new," her manager finishes off. "I was assigned to look after her. To make sure nothing triggers the pain again,"

"A-are you saying that.. she doesnt remember anything at all? She doesnt... she doesnt have the slightest memory of.. of me?"

"I'm afraid so yes. Mr Kim.. I'm sorry to say.. but to her, you are nothing but a stranger that she just met today," the manager looks at him. "And.. we would gladly appreciate it if you can keep it that way,"

/////

"Mr Kim? Are you even listening to me?" Taehyung snaps back to reality when Y/N waved her hand in front of him, smiling. "I am sorry. My story must be boring," she laughs. Taehyung shakes his head and smile.

"N-no. Not at all. I- uh.. I was just distracted. Sorry, please continue," he smiles and lets Y/N continue her briefing about her story.

"Okay then. Well.. thats about it. But I havent finish the ending yet. I dont know if the female lead should end up with the main lead. What do you think Mr Kim?" Y/N smiles at him. It breaks his heart every single time she calls him that.

"Uh well.. it depends. Your manager said this is based on a true story? So what is the ending to this story?" Taehyung is curious. The storyline is very familiar to their own love story but Y/N is not supposed to remember anything, right?

"Well... to be honest. Its not entirely based on a true story. Its more like a memory," she smiles.

"A memory?"

Y/N laughs. "This might sound silly to you Mr Kim, but I feel like I have been through it. Maybe its a dream I had? I dont know, but everything feels real," Y/N smiles again. "I'm sorry. Its stupid right Mr Kim?"

"N-no. No. definitely not," Taehyung smiles. "But in this dream if yours.. are you happy with that guy? T-the main lead?"

"Well... again, this might sound so incredibly stupid.. but yeah. I am... very happy," she gave a sad smile. "But sometimes I feel sad when I'm around him in my dream. Its as if he has hurt me but I dont know. How could he when he is just a dream right? I dreamt about him most nights, but he never have a face. In my dreams he calls me princess," Y/N laughs out loud as if to tell Taehyung how stupid her dream is. Taehyung felt his heart beating so rapidly, it almost burst out from his chest. Y/N dreamt about him. That must be him. Taehyung wanted to reached out and touched her hand but the look she gave him, a look of a stranger, of one colleague to another, stops him.

"Why are you laughing?"

"I mean... it must really be a dream. How can I ever be a princess to anyone. I mean, look at me Mr Kim," she giggles again.

"Princess, I love you," Taehyung smiles at her, hands holding hers tight as they sat under the tree in front of the school field. Y/N blushes.

"I-I... uh," she looks down, face red as a tomato. Its the first time Taehyung ever said I love you to her. "I love you too Taehyung. I really do,"

"Awwww, is my princess blushing?" Taehyung smiles and squeezes her cheeks.

"No I am not!" Y/N blushes hard and hits his chest playfully. "And I am definitely not a princess. How can I be anyone's princess. I mean, look at me Taehyung,"

"Well, I am looking and you are beautiful, just like a princess. My princess," Taehyung smiles and leans in softly, kissing her under the tree as the wind blow softly.

"I am looking Y/N," Taehyung whispers softly, his deep gaze boring holes into hers, setting Y/N's heart on fire. "And you are beautiful. Just like a princess," My princess.

/////

"How is shooting going hyung?" Jungkook invites himself to sit besides Taehyung, slurping on his banana milk as Jimin joins in. "I miss you. I dont see you around anymore. Why do you always leave earlier than you need to abd come back later than usual?" The maknae pouts.

"The brat is right Tae," Jimin chimed in, earning a glare from Jungkook. "Stop glaring at me Kook. You dont look that intimidating with banana milk all over your face," Jimin rolls his eyes and turns back to Taehyung. "You are not ditching us for a bunch of "Hwarang Hyungs 2.0" right?!" Jimin starts to panic. As far as he knows, Taehyung co- star is a girl this time. They are not losing him again right?

"No I am not! And stop being jealous of my hyungs. You will always be my best friend Chim," Taehyung winks. "Theres no hyungs this time... but..."

"Oh my god! Are you dating your co- star?!" Jungkook exclaimed with excitement. "Are you finally teaching me how to date? I dont want to learn with the other hyungs, their methods of dating are too x rated," Jungkook scrunched his nose.

"First of all, you are too young to date, so I am not teaching you anything,"

"I am only two years younger than you! And taller than Jimin-hyung!" Jungkook protest.

"Yah! What does height has to do with anything?!" Jimin threw a pillow towards the maknae and Taehyung laughs.

"And two, I am definitely not dating my co- star. I dont even have the slightest interest in her. But... I am trying to date the writer,"

"What?!" Both boys are surprised by Taehyung's bold admittance.

"Oh I didnt tell you? The writer is Y/N,"

"Y.. Y/N?" Jimin tapped his chin, trying to remember the familiar name. "Isnt that the girl from your trainee years? The one you still kept a photo of in your wallet? Shes the writer?!"

"Yeah... and the story I'm staring in is our love story Chim.. but Y/N.. she doesnt remember..."

/////

After spending the next few hours explaining to Jimin and Jungkook about Y/N and what had happened to her, Taehyung was forced to spend the next few hours being scolded and called stupid by his other hyungs after the two loud mouth runs over to Namjoon's studio and tells the leader the whole story, which leads to the whole band knowing which of course means a family meeting where Taehyung was burned at the stake.

"Okay now that we are done telling him what a dumbass he is," Namjoon sighs and turns to him, giving him another smack at the back of his head, "what are you planning to do? Nothing too dumb please?"

"Hyung, I am not dumb!" Taehyung protests.

"Well, all your action so far showed you are," the older man rolls his eyes.

"Fine.. but.. now that I found her again... I want Y/N back. Its fine if she doesnt remember me hyung, I just want to redeem myself. I-," Taehyung sighs. "I still love her. I never stopped loving her. I have been trying to look for her since she moved. Now that I have found her, I need to make her fall in love with me again,"

/////

"Andddd cut! Good job Tae! Thats all for today, see you guys tomorrow!" The director shouted and everyone bows to each other, off to end their long tiring day. Taehyung's eyes immediately spotted Y/N who is packing her bags, ready to leave and rushed over.

"Y/N!"

"Oh Mr Kim, hello," Y/N bows and Taehyung gives out a unsincere smile. He hates it when Y/N treated him so formally, like a stranger. He knows that is exactly what he is to her, but he cant help but remembers all the memories and little things they shared years back. The way she laughs, the way her eyes lighted up when she saw him, the excitement on her face wheb she saw him walking towards her, her giggles and blush when he told her how pretty she is...

"Hello Y/N," he smiles. "Going back already?"

"Yeah I guess," Y/N picks up her bag and starts walking slowly. "But I just need to stop by somewhere first. It has been a looong day for me. And when I had a long day I usually stops for-"

"Ice cream," Taehyung finishes her sentence with a smile.

"Oh my god, how did you know?!" Y/n squeals, amazed and surprised at the same time. "How can you know that ice cream is what I needed Mr Kim?"

"Its a looong day for me today Taetae," Y/N pouts. "I had back to back exams, my english teacher is mean, I lost my science assignment and had to redo it and the history teacher decides to do a pop quiz! I just want to crawl to bed Taetae,"

"Not yet princess. Im not gonna let my princess go back home all stress out okay?" Taehyung flashes his boxy smile and grabs her hand.

"Where are we going?"

"Somewhere that can put a smile back on my princess' beautiful face," he covers her eyes and uncovers it when they reached the shop. "Ice cream! My treat princess,"

"Well... I think, from now on, everytime I had a long day, I will always go for ice cream then," Y/N giggles as she gigs into her ice cream. Taehyung smile, looking at his beautiful princess smiling so happily. He would give everything for her to always be happy  "How do you know that ice cream is what I needed Taetae?"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you," Taehyung winks, making her blush.

"I love you Tae," Y/N giggles. "I dont knkw what I'll do without you in my life. You are my home. No matter how lost I am, I'm okay, as long as you are a part of me. I love you," Y/N leans in across the table and kisses him, and Taehyung has never tasted anything sweeter.

"Mr Kim? Hello?" Y/N waves her hand, taking Taehyung back to the present, his eyes gleaming with unshed tear from the memory. "Boy, you really dazes out a lot. Am I that boring?" Y/N giggles.

"No, definitely not boring. You were saying?"

"I was just asking. How do you know that ice cream is what I needed after a long day?"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you," Taehyung stares deep into her eyes as he said it, her blushing form is a duplicate of that day, years ago, he almost expecting her to say she loves him again.

Just like that day.

But instead Y/N smiles at him.

"Want to come with me and get ice cream then?"

/////

Y/N dont know why he enjoys every little second he spent with Kim Taehyung. He is handsome, thats for sure, but Y/N is pretty sure that is aesthetics is not what makes her heart beats faster than it should. Theres just something about him.

Something... familiar.

She feels happy. And sad at the same time. She feels likes she knows him. She feels as if shes... home.

They had a good time at the icr cream parlour. Taehyung told her a lot of stories about his adventures with his band mates, but he seems to always avoid talking about his past, and Y/N is not one to pry. Afterall, they are strangers, Taehyung is not obligated to tell her anything.

"So Mr Kim, I am guessing you dont have the chance to go out like this often? You know, with you being a universal star and all?" Y/N giggles.

"Yeah. We dont go out like this often. But when we do, we usually go out with each other," he smiles and watch Y/N digged into her ice cream. Cookies and cream, still the same flavor. "You know... we are practically friends now, and we are the same age. Why dont you call me Tae? Or... Taetae? I mean.. I already call you Y/N,"

"T-tae?"

"Yeah," he smiles. "Or Taetae,"

"T-taetae?" The moment that nick name rolled off Y/N's tounge, a surge of vision enters her mind, causing extreme pain in her head.

"Call me Taetae now princess, I am afterall your boyfriend," the faceless man smiles and kisses her forehead. "And thats a special nickname only you can use,"

"Hey Y/N are you okay?!" Taehyung immediately stands up and went to her side when she starts holding her head.

"Y-yeah. I just got a sudden headache. Maybe its a brain freeze from the ice cream," she tries to smile but Taehyung is having none of it.

"Let me send you home okay?" Y/N nodded weakly and Taehyung made sure that she has safely arrives before saying goodbye.

"Take care okay. And take a day off tomorrow if you need it alright?"

"Alright. But I think I will be okay," she smiles and bows. "Thanks. And goodbye.. Taetae..."

Taehyung's face light up the moment she calls out his name, making Y/N blush and rushed inside.

Taetae... why does it sounds so familiar. Who are you Taehyung-ah?

/////

Taehyung was on cloud nine since that ice cream date. Y/N calls him Tae, or Taetae. No more that Mr Kim bullshit, and they spend a lot of time together now. He even had the chance to bring her to lunch to meet the members and of course, just like he expected, they all love her. Taehyung even thinks the maknae is seriously in love with her, but no way in hell hes going to let that happen.

Y/N is his.

Atleast she will be again.

"Miss Y/N, Mr Kim, we will finally be meeting with the actress who played the woman you will be cheating with Mr Kim. We are sorry her scenes has to be delayed because of her her overseas schedule," the production crew informs them as they were having a break. Break time on set is Taehyung's favorite time, because he can pulls his chair and sits besides Y/N, sharing the lunch Seokjin made for him or his manager bought for him, since he refuses to eat outside anymore if Y/N didnt come with . Every second with Y/N is heaven to him and he hope she will still want to stay in touch even after their filming ends.

He cant lose her again. He just cant.

"Oh its fine. I heard shes a good actress, so she can keep up with the filming right?" Y/N asks.

"Yes. Shes a very good actress. Actually Mr Kim, you know her quite well. She used to train with your company before,"

"Oh really?" Taehyung raised an eyebrow. The only trainee he knew that turns into an actress from his training days is...

"Taetae!" Min Soo shouted from the door the moment she saw him, pushing her sunglasses up her forehead.

"M-Min Soo?" Taehyung was taken by surprised as Y/N lifted her head to see the actress who just entered. Upon seeing her face and her excitement in hugging Taehyung, a rush of memories flooded her mind and in a matter of second, Y/N was passed out on the floor, the last thing she hears was the voice of the faceless man in her dreams calling her name.

"Y/N!"

/////

Taehyung rushed to her hospital room, dropping his coffee once the doctor informed him that Y/N is awake. The moment he swing ooens the door, he was greeted wirh Y/N leaning up straight on the bed, glaring at him, face drenched with tears.

"Y-Y/N... y-you okay? Are you hurt anywhere? The doctor says y-"

"Get. Out,"

Taehyung's blood run cold as he heard the icy tone of her voice. What happened? Why is she suddenly like this? Did she forgets him again?

"Y-Y/N? Its me. Taehyung. Tae. Taetae? Y-you dont remember me?"

"No. I remember everything," Y/N starts to sobbed. "I remembered everything now Taehyung! Get out! I dont want to see you! Out!" Y/N yells, throwing whatever she could reached from her bed side and throw it at the dumbfounded Taehyung.

"Y/N no! Baby please. Let me explain!" Taehyung dodge her throws and try to reached oit for her hand but she immediately pull away.

"Explain? Explain?!" She yelled. "You ruined my life Taebyung! I gave you everything! I loved you with every part of me and you left me?! Do you even know?! Do you even know what he did to me?!" Y/N sobs starts to get uncontrolable, sobbing her eyes out. If Taehyung could hurt himself so Y/N's pain would lessen, he would do it. He would do anything to go back to that night and do it all over again. He would treat her right. He would cherish her. He would already be married to her right now.

"Y/N please-"

"He raped me Taehyung!" She sobs. "I remembered everything now. I remembered the pain when he slaps me, punch me. The cold rain on my face. His disgusting face as he.. as he..." Y/N sobs even louder and Taehyung wants nothing more than to kill Hyun Joo if he wasnt already in prison serving his time. "I called your name Taehyung. I called you over and over again. I keep saying I'm sorry. I thought if I didnt pissed you off about Min Soo, if I just apologizes, you would come back. You would come back and save me from that... that monster," she continues to sobs. "B-but you didnt. A-and he keep... he keeps hurting me. H-he keeps touching me. Where were you Taehyung? Where were you?!" Y/N shouted one last time before throwing the flower vase on the bed side, only inches away from Taehyung's head.

Taehyung knew he dont need to answer. Y/N dont really want to know where he is that night. She already knows. But he feels like he needs to explain it to her. To tell her that leaving her that night was the biggest mistake of his life. That saying all those things to her that night... he regrets it all. He wants to tell her he loves her, that he loves her still, that he will protect her now. That he will spend forever to make it up to her.

But everything got stuck in his throat.

"Y/N... I-"

"Get out," her voice cold, eyes closed.

"Y/N, I need t-"

"I said get out Taehyung. Get out, get out, get out, GET OUT!"

Her hysyeric screams finally attracts the nurses and before he could say anything else, Taehyung is escorted out. He was never allowed to visir her ever again, and although Y/N didnt ask for Taehyung or Min Soo to be pulled out fron the movie, she never again make an appearance on set.

Taehyung was lost.

Without Y/N he was lost.

And thats when he realizes, Y/N is his home. All these years he keeps holding on. Living life day by day, feeling empty and lost, because at the back of his mind he is still looking for her, looking for a way back. A way back home.

But what is he to do now when his home dissapeared?

Y/N is his home. And he needs to go back. No matter what it takes.

/////

"Today is the last day of the filming. You sure you dont want to go and visit the set? Say thankyou to the crew?" Y/N's manager sat besides her, patting her back.

"I'll just send them a fruit basket. We will do another dinner without the actors one day. Satisfied?"

Her manager sigh and give a sad smile to her.

"Y/N... I know its hard... getting your memories back like that. I know you feel as if all the people that are close to you have been lying to you. But you know we did it to protect you right?"

Y/N looks down and fiddled with her fingers. She actually understands. She really understands it. She herself hopes that she wouldnt remember.

"I know oppa... but... I'm not mad at you. Or eomma or appa... but..."

"You are mad at Taehyung?"

Y/N keep silence, knowing that her manager really knows her best.

"Listen... I dont know exactly what went down between the two of you, but I have put some of the puzzle pieces together. Starting from his reaction in the first day you were introduced to him. I dont know much Y/N... but I know that he loves you," Y/N raised her head at that. "And you... you love him too,"

"What?! No way! I dont!"

"Y/N... you can try to lie to yourself, but you cant lie to me," her manager smiles. "Dont you ever wonder why you only dream happy things about the faceless man? Y/N those dreams... they are not dreams. They are your memories. Memories of you and Taehyung. Happy memories. No matter how hard your mind tries to rejects him by refusing to remember, your heart still remembers him Y/N. Now... just remember back all your dreams.. and remember it hard. You will see that the faceless man is Kim Taehyung, and you will understand that the feelings you had is happiness, love and missing him. Find it in your heart to forgive him Y/N and give yourself a chance to be happy. A home is never perfect, nor does it only give you happiness. A home is a place where you can feel comfortable. It can be a mess, it doesnt have to be perfect, it has its flaws, but its yours. Taehyung is your home Y/N. Come back home and be happy. Thats all I want for you," her manager, who is more like a brother to her gives her a tight hug and leaves, letting Y/N be alone with her messy thoughts.

Y/N sat alone, pondering the words of her oppa that has known her ever since the incident. Who has been by her side, guiding her through her career. Just remember back all your dreams.

Y/N closes her eyes and collect back all her dreams about the faceless man. The faceless man who makes her heart beats faster in her dreams. The faceless men who kisses tastes so sweet, who words can make her smile for days.

"Princess, I love you,"

"Awwww, is my princess blushing?"

"Well, I am looking and you are beautiful, just like a princess. My princess,"

"Not yet princess. Im not gonna let my princess go back home all stress out okay?"

"Somewhere that can put a smile back on my princess' beautiful face,"

"Ice cream! My treat princess,"

"Because ice cream is the sweetest thing that can even come close to a sweet princess like you,"

"I love you princess,"

"You are mine now princess,"

"You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen princess,"

Y/N remembers back every single dream he ever had about that faceless man. He always calls her princess. His princess. But its different this time. This time she remembers. She remembers herself, looking back up into the faceless man's deep gaze and smile...

"I love you Kim Taehyung,"

Its Taehyung. Its really is Taehyung. All this while she thought ahes having a fantastic dream of her faraway soulmate. Maybe ut is her soulmate, but he is not that faraway. Not at all. All this while, it was her heart telling her to remember him. To remember Taehyung and all their memories together.

Without hesitation, she grabs her jacket ans ran out not noticing anyone arounds her until she bumps into someone.

"Ow! Look where you are going!"

"You look wh- Y/N?"

Standing in front of her is Kim Taehyung. The faceless man. Her soulmate. Her home.

And she doesnt know what to do but to turn back the other way when Taehyung pulls her hand and stops her.

"Dont go. I am not letting you leave ever again. You can hate me, hit me, kill me, I dont care, I just want to be with you and never ever leave you again," Taehyung pulls her into a tight hug. "Y/N... I love you. I never stop and theres not a second went by that I dont regret that night. You dont have to take me back, but I wont ever leave your side. Ever again. I love you. I love you. I love you,"

Y/N stays in his hug for a moment, tears wetting the front of his shirt. How is it that the man who hurt her so much makes her feel so safe and like she belongs? Is it true what her oppa said?

Is Taehyung really her home?

That one place that is fully hers?

"I-its hard," Y/N sniffles, voice muffled in his tight hug. "I-I understand why my mind refuses to remember you Tae. But my heart is stronger. It wanted me to remember," she sniffles louder, making Taehyung released the hug to look at her face. "I love you Taehyung. There was never a second that I stopped loving you. Even when my mind dont remember, my heart does. I love you too much that what you did hurts me to the core. But I cant live like this anymore. I cant live under the shadows of my past, because between the hurt you gave me, you are also my happiness. I choose to remember. I dont want to forget anymore. It hurts yes, its painful, yes. But I know it now Tae. I know why I always feel so empty even when I cant remember anything. Its because I was never home Taehyung. I need to feel alive again. I need to come home..."

Taehyung looks at her, eyes gleaming with tears from the knowledge that he has hurt the only person he has ever love to beyond repair. He didnt quite understand what Y/N is saying, but whatever it is, he swears he will do anything to make it up to her.

"Tell me what you need me to do Y/N. I'll bring you home. Whatever you need, I'll do it baby. I'll do anything,"

"Tae... you dont understand," she giggles through her tears. "I want to come home. Taehyung...you are my home. And its a mess, a messy, unorganized, abandoned home.. but its mine. Its my home and I wouldnt want to be anywhere else, Taehyung,"

"And wherever you are baby, I will follow. I will never ever leave you alone ever again. Because right here," he points to her heart," is where my home is. I love you..."

Taehyung looks at her with eyes filled with love and determination to make her forget every little pain she ever faced. He will give her the best home she could ever dream of. A home filled only with love, laughter and happiness. And as he leans in to capture her lips, Y/N can feel it too.

"My princess, my home, my everything,"

#bts #bangtan #bangtan seonyeondan #bts scenarios #bts fanfic #bts tae #bts taehyung #kim taehyung #BTS v #taehyung scenario #taehyung fanfic #taehyung angst #taehyung fluff #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop scenario

[vulture-jack]

I think my problem with not enjoying puzzle games is that I dont get a sense of accomplishment out of figuring out a puzzle.  

I get a sense of inferiority when I struggle with or CANT figure it out.

Long ass elaboration that got way to deep and a little A LOT to self-analysis…y below the cut.  

Solving a puzzle in a puzzle game feels like something im SUPPOSED to be able to do because SEEMINGLY everyone else can, if the game was THAT hard no one would buy it or praise it or recommend it because two few people would be able to beat it and have the full experience, so I’m just stressed and constantly feel like my intelligence is coming into question if I can’t get through it?  If everyone else can get through it, and I can’t, what does that say about me? Fucking EVERYONE has beat Portal. Except me. And no one even really talks about how HARD Portal is.  Except for me. So puzzle games tend to make me feel like shit.  For a number of reasons, I tend to just. Give up. A lack of motivation, getting no joy out of the puzzle aspect and seeing it as a chore, it not being the way I typically enjoy exercising my thinking muscles, etc etc.

 And even if I CAN beat those puzzles, its a stressful as fuck experience through the whole damn thing. Like taking a standardized test.  Even though thats not the case?  I feel like I’m being tested and I hate taking tests because I don’t celebrate good grades so much as feel they are expected of me.  If I do poorly or even “average” C level I feel like a failure.  The negative emotions I got from low grades WAY overpowered any positive emotions I got from good grades. Good grades = relief that I didnt get a bad grade and i didnt ruin my future and my parents wont get mad at me.  And this same feelings accompanies puzzle games.  If I CANT do it, then I feel like shit about myself and get a nice helping of lowered self confidence and heightened insecurity.  If I DO do it, then its nothing to celebrate because its part of the game, everyone who plays this is supposed to be able to do this. Tons of people already did this.  Its not really an accomplishment to me.  I know this is a flawed way of looking at things, but every time I encounter puzzle games or people recommending puzzle games to me because “No but this ones really good!” Im like…it doesn’t matter.  

Every time I hear someone talk about the sense of accomplishment they get while playing puzzle games I’m like “God I wish that were me”.

And if you want to comment on this like “No you should finish X its really good!” Im going to get mad at you. I won’t say I’m mad at you, I won’t ACT like I’m mad at you because I know in reality I’m just an irritable fuck who takes things way too personally, and I try to act according to that knowledge and not take it out on people who dont deserve it. But I’m going to be irritated as fuck. 

Unless its super fucking easy or environmental and not the core draw of the game, I have no interest in subjecting myself to that stress. Puzzle games are STRESS to me. Its not their fault or the developers fault I’m insecure as fuck but that doesn’t make me enjoy the experience. 

The kinds of puzzles I don’t mind are the simple ass ones that show up in Uncharted, for example. But some of those even stumped me and if the whole, or even half the game was those, I wouldn’t play them, and theyre frequently my least favorite parts of a game.  

If finishing a puzzle is easy and i manage to finish it i might get a little bit of “yay i did it” but its usually more like “yay thats over now let me climb some shit or shoot some guys or see a new location”.  

Puzzles don’t make me feel smart and accomplished, they pretty much do the exact opposite.  

I’m more likely to say “Im not smart” these days because I’m so sure other people are going to reach the same conclusion that I feel like I need to beat them to it. That somehow, if they at least think I’m self aware of my own flaws, they wont think as little of me. Isn’t that fucked up?  Thats fucked up, though.  

 I know that its all bullshit, too, though?  Like I know a puzzle game does not measure my intelligence, and that my “intelligence” does not measure my worth. I know that society has fucked up ways in which it values “intelligence” and places worth upon people for factors out of their control.  I know that measuring peoples worth by their “intelligence” is fucked up.  I’m not educated enough on the topic to speak on it at length like I know what the fuck I’m talking about, but I’m aware of these realities.  I would not hold another person up to these standards which I hold myself do.  My failures to do certain things reflect negatively on me, but do not lesser OTHER PEOPLE who share my same failures in my eyes. 

But I was also raised in this society and it did fucked up things to my brain and trying to unlearn them and get a healthy state where I can play Portal without feeling like my worth as a human being is on the line is harder than just being aware of those fucked up things. 

And I don’t really know Puzzles in games bother me so much, considering I feel accomplished when I beat a small army that was giving me hell.  Even though its the same thing.  Tons of other people can beat those enemies, and at a higher difficulty, and probably faster and more efficiently. But I don’t care. Thats fun an engaging and rewarding. A puzzle is a boring chore at best, and a stressful unwanted hit to my self esteem at worst. Its literally homework. Its literally school to me. 

I think it might have something to do with the rigidity of puzzles and their answers?  You have to figure out the one answer, or the one path to that answer.  The answer is the solid, concrete goal and you gotta figure out what is usually the ONE way to do that. Whereas with killin small armies of mercenaries, i know what the answer is. Get them all dead. How I do it is my business, and I get to feel creative and tackle things MY WAY.  I get to be smart MY WAY.  Because real life puzzles arent often “heres a complicated set of things that a person set up with one or two answers, figure it out”, its usually like.  “Heres a problem created by circumstances, and theres probably a ton of ways to get what you want, do what you gotta do, and because you WANT IT, you have the motivation to give a shit”

If all im getting out of puzzles is an advanced PLOT, then I’m just gonna get pissed and look up a lets play so i can see someone that doesnt hate puzzles because puzzles make them hate themselves for me. 

This is why games like Portal can hold me at first and lose me later when its really obvious that theres just something I’m missing, and god I’ve been stuck in this room for so long that its killed any interest I have to continue playing this game, but I’m going to carry around this badge of “No I didn’t actually beat Portal 1 OR 2 ok, I got STUCK.  Leave me alone please I know im a disgrace, you dont have to tell me.”

Puzzles then become harder because I have no motivation to solve them.  I’m sure there are plenty of puzzle games I COULD BEAT but since I have no desire to or gain any real sense of accomplishment from them, I have no motivation to put my brain power into it when I could be playing another game I don’t have to force myself to enjoy because I feel like “Should” because this is what “Smart” people do and if I want to be “smart” then I should do stuff like this. 

That and im so used to games where puzzles are an obstacle keeping me from where I want to go, the distractions from everything else I love about a non puzzle oriented game. 

So while a puzzle game might have a great story, characters, aesthetic, etc.  I will never WANT to play it.  I might wish I ENJOYED it but I just do not have an interest in dedicated “Puzzle games”.  

TLDR I grew up one of those “smart kids” who found myself slowly slipping behind through highschool, hit hard as fuck in college, and now feel like I’m mostly behind everyone else in terms of study, life and motivation, im insecure as FUCK, and puzzle games hit that nerve like a goddamn mallet. Wow this got WAY FUCKING DEEPER than I wanted it to. 

TLDR Shorter Edition: I’m really fucking insecure. 

Disclaimer: There is nothing wrong with puzzle games or the people that play them.  I am a firm believer in the idea that just because a play style or format isn’t for me, doesn’t mean its bad and shouldn’t exist, ( I’m lookin at YOU, people who complain when a game is a tightly controlled linear narrative. I LIKE those, go play the bazillion other games that ARENT those.) 

#negative/? #ish?

[bestillmybeefyheart]

As an amateur "pro level" photographer who shoots film, I live and play in a pretty crazy world where my competition is 50x better then me and I am surrounded by 200x the people with nicer digital cameras. Reading the news every morning, which I have tailored to show photography news as well as tech, it's like a punch to the balls each day. I see more and more people taking photos and more and more getting recognized and awarded and featured, and I'll be honest it kind of pisses me off. It's partly my fault, I don't shoot for awards or accolades, I don't shoot for money, I do it because I like old cameras and film. And In years past I shot hundreds of rolls a year, all developed by me and shared them on Lomography, competing with a lot of really great "nobodies" like me and a few one-gimmick shooters who everyone oohhhs and aaahhhs over their 5 shots they post a year that are the same damn thing over and over. That and the big names in the Lomography world make it hard to compete. THen of course the Lomography magazine features a lot of digital people (on a film site) shooting their lenses, usually people who arent even Lomographers, and then there's more competition and "Why didnt they let ME shoot that new lens/camera?". Of course I get to shoot protoytypes and unreleased gear too but I can't tell anyone or share my work. But it seems like I am slowly losing my grip on what was once an area of hobby and fun for me, one I was in the top of, all because of 2 things... I got sick and couldnt shoot film to post or like others pics. And digital keeps getting better. I have shot a TON of Instax Mini using my LomoInstant Automat this year, it's easy, quick, and for a sick person, much easier then trying to go out and walk and shoot.. esp when walking is painful, and for a few months my GI system was not happy so even getting out was nearly impossible. Ive still managed to keep shooting. I also think my style is one of the reasons I am not a top rated photographer. I don't shoot perfect photos every time and only share the best of the best of the best like some do. I snap anything and everything and share EVERYTHING. Seriously, if I take 28 pics and 2 are great, 15 are soso and the rest suck, you see them all, all together. Because I shoot for the heart and soul not to win some award or competition. When I scan film, I crop and straighten to compensate for the scanning process (my film scanner doesnt exactly hold film straight sometimes) and I sharpen a tad to compensate for loss from scanning, but minus an occassional dust or spot removal, and maybe a tiny exposure bump if I screwed up when developing (or the film was older then I shot for), I dont mess with my shots. Vs many of those out there, esp the digital pray and spray generation, they edit the **** out of their works. And because digital has gotten so good and so affordable, its getting harder and harder to stand out. Anyone with a modern mobile phone has a class A camera now, and anyone with a few hundred $$$ can buy a really nice digital DSLR or mirrorless even used, and do amazing works. The mirrorless ones especially since they can also use inexpensive adapters to shoot vintage lenses, giving the pack yet another edge. I have 2 digitals myself in addition to my 80+ film cameras and hundred plus lenses... one is a mirrorless which I literally have every adapter for every kind of lens made for. Even though I have 2 perfectly good native lenses, I shoot M Mount, M42, Nikon F and G, Pentax, Canon, LTM, and many more kinds of lenses on it when I do use it. Ironically, my most used lens on that particular body is their cheapest more barebones native lens. And that body is 3 years old now I think, very outdated and not even fullframe, so it's showing its age. And yet I keep going back to film. I have loads of the stuff filling my freezer, fridge and office, camera bags filled with it and cameras and lenses to grab and go for shoots at anytime, and I still don't get out like I used to due to my leg/foot. I've considered selling most of it, getting a nice new mirrorless, and doing mostly digital, but I cant help but hold onto the film. Even if I am a nobody taking nothing photos at this point... I still treasure that process from picking a camera and some film, to going out to shoot it, coming home and developing and then scanning it. I could pop off a few hundred digital shots. Sure. But 1 roll of film is worth 1000 digital shots to me. And I am learning to face and accept the fact that I am not nor will I ever be a super star in photography. And I am trying to learn not to be pissed when some rando pops off some shots that get awards when I think the shots are just soso at best. I keep reminding myself its not a game, its an experience. It's just an experience. And I have to keep my eye on that fact because Im never goingto be Ansel Adams and I dont want to be. I just want to have fun.