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#this feels kinda silly but ive had the idea for the last couple of weeks
salt-and-bramble · 7 months
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had a stressful/unpleasant time last week, and ended up getting pretty dysregulated, wanted to jot down some review here, dont mind me
did a somewhat worse job than usual taking care of my basic needs until i found myself in the shrimp-only hours of one morning with a full blown migraine and chills. im glad i messaged my boss then about taking sick leave instead of letting my alarm go off at 5:55 bc “maybe ill feel better then!” - not on that much sleep u wont. ive gotten a lot better about taking time off when i need it, but tend to hold out as long as i can/until im absolutely sure i cant so this was a good step in the right direction and also let me get some sleeeeep.
my go-to grounding technique is trying to name as many animals as i can that start with each letter of the alphabet. this is really effective bc it has some mental engagement (most of the replay value is due to my brain going to shit when im upset, and some days it be like…. b- b- bird?? but still) and also gets me thinking about animals i like and love (#squeee). but my therapist has been suggesting strategies that are more structured and start with more physical than mental/emotional grounding. so i decided to try that this time without having practiced, figuring if they didnt work then id just do something else (like i have obviously used these things in day to day life but i hadnt practiced them as a structured process). which was silly of me, see above: brain goes to shit when upset.
but wow, surprisingly big mistake. overall made things much worse?? like all the things i did felt nice: i had a mug of hot tea and put on music (unreal unearth a predictably bad idea in hindsight for obvious reasons, but it was such a consistent source of good mood juice before i felt bad idk), laid on the deck with my legs buried in my passionvine (the wet leaves felt nice and the pressure of a hard floor is good, kinda like a lopsided hug), and ronan was even enjoying being sprawled out in the rain. i was both conscious of these being sensations that i like and also horribly horribly aware of all my physical sensations, which overall were not great!! i think this probably would have been helpful if anxiety was the primary stressor, getting out of my head and into the sensory or whatever. but this was like, hurt? and … a sort of wilder kind of fear? just ended up in a feedback loop emphasizing how terrible i felt. i think i am just going to start with the animols until i feel mostly sane, and only then grapple with having a corporeal form that experiences sensations
a couple of friends showed up for me in significant ways <3 this was, obviously, very helpful and i appreciate them a whole lot. i dont like that the whole brain going to shit thing seems to include more than usual difficulty adequately expressing gratitude. i legitimately cannot tell if i did actually do a terrible job of words or i did manage to get the point across, but everything i said felt awkward and unsatisfying? think this was overall a big improvement in terms of asking for/accepting help, tho there were still a lot of times i had to withdraw from or avoid social situations when i felt overwhelmed in ways i didnt want to be In Front Of People. maybe ill try to also work on grits teeth asking for/accepting comfort (note: what would this look like?)
i did try to go climbing, but i bailed on every attempt. kept running into like, spillover anxiety about my personal problem clouding my judgement about if i could actually reach for that next hold. i think since climbing is both my “working on my fear of heights” activity and also my “trying to have fun being bad at a thing” activity that its just asking too much for it to be my emotional support activity, too. i think it would be good if i started a home yoga practice up again. had the thought several times for other reasons and just went blarghhh every time. but it would probably be nice to have some kind of familiar movement/exercise that i could do inside of my house and not in public already loaded in working memory. going to try to see if the yoga classes at the climbing gym help bring back any of the sparkles i used to feel about it (extremely vain & tangential aside: went through old photos making space on my phone and i used to be … sinewy!?! want that)
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pretendstoread · 7 months
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i smoked a cigarette and i wasnt even that drunk
there were a few things i wanted to write about today but theyre lost to me now and i wish i at least wrote down the general Idea. but i've at least noticed that ive been actively Indulging in more...taboo? things i wouldn't normally or were too scared to try. i've smoked two cigarettes this summer (woah!), had two shroom trips (WOAH!), had sex with a man for the first time (JEEZ!!), i'm smoking weed more often (hmmm....), and i'm thinking of testing the waters with (recreational?) adderall. this is not to say that i'm going downhill, or self sabotaging, or actively trying to harm myself and others. in fact, i quite like this sort of indulgence i'm in. let me do some unhealthy things right now. i don't think i Deserve it but i just....idk...i kinda need it?
i've always been in this need for control--to have it, to be in it. it's very hard to do new things that way because i don't know what i'm getting into. i'm at the whimsy of the uncomfortable zone. i focus too much on the potential negative of a situation: i'm going to have a bad trip, i'm going to make a bad drawing, i'm going to humiliate myself because i am New To This. and that's where i lack grace and freedom and embracing the Fun of being new.
it sucks that being new at something, trying new things, meeting new people, putting yourself out there in some capacity makes me feel like a burden. if i'm not the responsibility of someone else (i.e. a supervising coworker, a babysitting friend, an experienced lover) then i'm a burden to my own ego. even if i'm alone in my room trying to shake my ass i still feel incredibly embarrassed by my own reflection. seeing such failure (seeing my own body) is maybe worse than sharing it with someone else. there's a humor in that vulnerability that brings me closer to whoever i'm sharing that with: coughing while smoking a cig, readjusting on a dick, spilling a nutcracker in your hair while tripping on the beach are all moments that, while silly and messy and unprepared, bring me closer with the person on the other side of that. it shows a little bit of humanity and humility.
that is not extended to moments with myself though. i dont really know how to fully explain it. maybe it's some degree of not being comfortable with myself or perfectionist problems i have and self-perception etc etc etc. but have you ever failed yourself so hard you don't even want to try again? there is no one else to laugh along with you or reassure you or empathize. when i fail myself, I Fail Myself. yknow? ehhh not really something i want to think about further.
random things i have Happy Feelings for:
came home last night after being in a weed comatose at nat's and hammered nails into my walls so i can hang my belts. it was a random spurt of energy that got something i wanted done but for some reason never tried to do in my free time (i realize i am wayyyyy too adaptable to my own traps of inconvenience. i put the bag of toiletries in my room to Force Me to unpack them and ultimately left it in the way for a couple weeks before just stuffing the whole bag in the closet.)
really liked todays episode of the sopranos: s1e12. junior and tony both deal with mortality in different ways. not much more to say on it right now
also between this episode ^ (isabella the madonna hallucination), honestly themes of the show in general, and watching contrapoints content i've gotten a little interested in reading more about freud LOL. he kinda makes a lot of points??? like we all know this we're just freaked out about the mommy sex stuff. there's a tangent contra video on gamergate and an article she sourced talked about Gamers feeling threatened about their Space, their Games, being taken away by The Woke Mob--AKA women, aka MOMMY. the looming fear of mom coming in your room and saying it's time to stop playing. getting grounded and no video games for a week. mom said it's my turn to use the xbox. that fear recurring in these sad adult men being forced to look at their own flaws. their lack of perspective. stupid sluts coming in and ruining the fun, taking away our games. i found that psychoanalytic perspective reallllllyyyyy interesting
finding a new perspective on chores and self care: there's no rush with it. this is not a thing that needs to be Taken Care Of right this second. my whole evening should be dedicated to doing things on My Terms. i spend 40 hours of my week, every week, doing things on another entity's terms. i do shit when i wanna!!!! and it's for ME!!!!
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sharkbaitouhaha · 4 years
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I have a bit of an odd somewhat personal request for my followers (if you have the time of course)
My sister works at a hospital as a respiratory therapist, so during this pandemic she’s been the one intubating patients. Obviously it’s been a really stressful time for her as it has been for so many others. She’s had a couple of other really shitty personal things happen to her during this time as well. I just want to do something nice for her and was hoping I could get some help with this idea I have.
If you’re open to it and wanted to say thanks to a healthcare worker would you mind writing just a small thank you, a letter, a drawing, anything really and send it to me. The plan is to gather as much as I can and then send it to her.
If you wanted to that would be so great, I know there’s a million other things happening in the world right now so if you don’t have the time I totally get it, just thought I’d put it out there.
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tonystarkissist · 4 years
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How about... tony is jealous of happys role in peters life?
Thank you very much for the prompt! I actually had a lot of fun with this one :D It’s been a while since I’ve written something so simple and short and it was actually pretty nice!
Word Count: 1879
It didn’t really bother Tony all that much at first. He saw it as more of a blessing than anything else that the kid had decided to subject Happy to his ramblings and elaborate voice messages instead of him. It kept his phone message free and his mind sane. 
Though, as time passed by, the lack of direct communication just seemed to piss him off more and more.
It was like the kid deliberately took every possible alternative just to avoid speaking with him directly. Heck, the kid had his phone number… his phone number. He never even gave Steve his personal phone number. So, there was no valid excuse for the kid not to call him. Yet, the brat felt the need to make it difficult and relay all his messages to Tony through Happy. And, yeah, okay, Tony might be a bit more understanding if Happy didn’t have the forgetfulness of an elderly man suffering of Alzheimer’s, but he did, and it was quite literally like pulling teeth when he needed to pry information from the man. 
“Hap, where’s Peter? You were supposed to drop him off here an hour ago.”
“Oh yeah… the kid’s real sick. He called me this morning and told me to tell you he couldn’t make it. Sorry, I forgot. The kid’s Aunt had me runnin’ all around town trying to find this special Tylenol medicine for him. Oh, by the way, the kid was wondering if you had any super meds leftover from Steve. He kept burning through that over the counter stuff in like 5-minutes.”
It even got to the point where Happy would simply just forward any voice messages he received from Peter straight to Tony because it was such a hassle for him to remember important things. Tony even told the kid that too, suggesting that just maybe he might consider calling his phone to give his after-patrol reports just to make things a little easier, but the kid grinned sheepishly at him and shrugged his shoulders with a simple “I don’t want to inconvenience you Mr. Stark.”
Tony, of course, had rolled his eyes and insisted there was no inconvenience at all. Still… the kid never called and he never texted. The only communication he received directly from the kid was their twice a week meetings in the lab after school got out.
Even then, Tony got the vibe that the kid wasn’t all that comfortable being around him. He refused anything Tony offered him and he wasn’t at all the rambling motormouth Happy made him out to be.
“Kid, you want something to eat?”
“No thank you Mr. Stark. Happy took me to Burger King after school. He even let me get a shake too!”
Tony wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t. Jealous was a very strong word. And he wasn’t jealous.
And besides, there was no reason to feel jealous. He was Iron Man. An Avenger. A billionaire. The owner of a multibillion dollar company ran by his stunning fiance. He had no reason to be jealous of his hot-headed, grumpy, slightly delusional head of security who was oh-so desperately in need of a girlfriend. No reason.
Except, maybe he did feel a little prickle of green against his skin when he was reminded of the developing relationship between his mentee and good friend. It was inevitable, really. It should be expected they grow at least a little close. Happy picked him up from school twice a week. Drove him to the Tower and back. More often than not, the man stopped to grab food, per Tony’s instruction, so the boy could eat his fill. Heck, all the things Tony really knew about the kid were via the channel Happy Hogan. 
“Y’know, the kid had braces a year ago. Has the retainer glued to the back of his teeth. The kid hates popcorn, ‘cause the kernels always get stuck.” The man had told him while Tony was trying to brainstorm bonding activities for him and the kid and got the idea for movies and popcorn…
“Yeah, the kid hates peppermint. He says it’s ‘cause of the Spider bite. Spiders hate peppermint.” Happy had told him when Tony started freaking out after the kid dashed out the penthouse, hacking and gagging all the way. It was near Christmas… and Pepper loved her Christmas candles.
“You sure about that Tony? The kid’s kinda paranoid when it comes to creepy crawlies.” Tony had learned when his resolve to bond led him to an idea involving spiders, behavior studies, and perhaps a little learning of Peter’s spider-like idiosyncrasies.
Tony liked the kid. He liked the kid a lot. One of best he’d ever met… and the kid obviously worshiped the ground he walked on. And every so often the kid’s shy, tentative exterior would break away and he’d be able to catch a glimpse of the snarky, fun-loving teen beneath it. But sometimes he wished he had more time to spend with him. Maybe then a level of trust and comfort could develop because at this point he felt very out of the loop when it came to important matters.
He was a busy man, he understood that. He understood that he couldn’t always be the one to run to his aid when he got into some trouble. That’s why he had Happy keeping an eye on him… He just wished the kid was more inclined to confide in him rather than the body-guard working under his payroll. Many times, he’d get a call from Happy in the middle of the night, half asleep and exhausted, to tell Tony the kid had found his way into some trouble again and he was requesting back up. It wasn’t that Tony minded the 2am wake up call… he just would have preferred listening to Peter’s voice instead of a grumpy old man’s with sleep apnea.
“Uh, Tony… the kid got hurt again. Just wanted to let you know… I’m bringing him to the med bay and he should be fixed up and back to business before you and Pepper get back from your trip.” Tony had listened to the message and immediately raced the suit back to New York, leaving a confused Pepper alone in their hotel room with a promise to return. And sure enough, as soon as he touched down on the landing pad and made it to the medical wing, Cho was already pulling out the IV from his arm and Happy was helping the kid stand. Tony remembered the exact moment the kid spotted him in the doorway. He was hoping for maybe a little surprise or excitement at his sudden appearance, but all he received was dread. “Mr. Stark,” he had said, “you didn’t have to come. I told Happy not to call you. It wasn’t a big deal.”
But the thing was that it was a big deal! A very big deal because the kid had been hurt and the kid hadn’t wanted him to know about it. 
Tony eventually just waved it off with an excuse claiming the kid just hadn’t wanted to inconvenience him again. It didn’t mean anything. Happy was the most logical person to call since Tony was out of the country. It didn’t mean anything. The kid wasn’t picking favorites… so that meant he couldn’t be jealous since there was no reason to be jealous.
Then, one evening while Happy was driving him and Pepper back to the Tower after their date night, a realization hit him. He was tired. Pepper was tired. And they were both drunk off their asses from the champagne and whiskey. Tony doesn’t remember what he said, but he does remember the sharp laugh that emitted from the front of the car. Happy had laughed… he had never heard Happy laugh before. That sound alone broke his drunken, giggly trance with Pepper and he was staring at Happy suspiciously, suddenly concerned that his driver had been guzzling some drinks of his own while he wasn’t watching, but Happy had waved him off. “It’s nothing Boss. I just remembered some silly joke the kid had texted me the other day.” The kid had texted Happy a joke… not because he was hurt, or needed to be picked up…. He hadn’t told Happy a joke simply to fill the silence in the car as they rode together to the Tower, or ate burgers and drank shakes at a lousy table in Burger King. Nope… the kid had gone out of his way to share something with Happy. “He calls ‘em Memes. They’re actually pretty funny.”
Pepper wasn’t so happy with him that night. His feathers had officially been ruffled and he brooded the rest of the night. Pepper had called it pouting, but so what?! Peter had picked a favorite and it wasn’t him… 
Despite his growing aversion to the sprouting relationship between Happy and the kid, he didn’t do anything to stop it. That is… until the last straw had been pulled when Happy tried taking a couple hours off. 
“The kid’s got a science fair today. He asked me to come and watch since his Aunt had to work.”
Long story short, Happy wasn’t the only one that went to watch Peter win first place.
“Mr. Stark,” Peter squeaked in surprise when Tony approached him, wearing a proud grin and eyeing the trophy in the kid’s hands. “What are- what are- what are you doin’ here?”
“Well, a little birdie told me about your science fair being today. I couldn’t miss out on that, could I? And really kid… really? You didn’t invite me? That one hurt. A stab to the back that was.”
Peter stammered out a long string of apologies and Tony clapped his shoulder with a lighthearted laugh, dusting off the trophy in Peter’s hands with the side of his index finger. “Don’t sweat it, kid. Now how about I take you out for some ice cream? I’ll break you outta this joint and we’ll have some fun.”
“Uh,” the kid’s eyes flickered over to Happy and Tony felt a small wave of jealousy rake over him. There he said it. He was jealous! He wanted the damn kid all to himself. He wanted to be the favorite. Was that so much to ask? 
“Nope. Don’t look at him. Just you and me. It’s my turn.”
Peter’s face breaks out into a shy smile and Tony can barely hear his answer over the loud chattering of kids surrounding them. “Uh, yeah… that would… I think that would be kinda nice.”
“Great,” Tony grins, throwing an arm around the boy’s shoulders to pull him closer. “I got the feeling that this is the start of something wonderful kid. Let’s go all out, huh? Ice cream, then back to the Tower for pizza, movies, and some more ice cream. We can watch Star Wars.” 
Tony didn’t think it was possible, but the kid’s smile grows even wider. “That sounds awesome Mr. Stark.”
“Sure does,” Tony smirked in triumph and shot Happy a patronizing wink over his shoulder. The man just rolled his eyes and Tony lead the kid out of the gym.
***
Tony’ would also like to happily report that after a month of his incessant demands for Peter’s attention and love, the kid felt it necessary to text him his very first 4 in the morning meme… 
… and Happy didn’t get one.
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imaginethathaikyuu · 5 years
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OK IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY AAAAA!!!! ok kuroo surprises his fem s/o for her birthday. could be sfw or nsfw if u know what i mean *wink* 😉😉
I SAW ITS UR BIRTHDAY SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY I HOPE I’M NOT TOO LATE!!! i hope u had a great day u deserve it
oh also nsfw warning and i promise there will be NON NSFW SOON I SWEAR
“So, I heard that today is someone’s birthday,” Kuroo mumbled into your ear, his arms tight around your waist. 
He’d gotten home from work without you even hearing him coming in - somehow, he’d managed to surprise you. Mainly because he was home nearly three hours early. 
“What are you doing home, silly?” 
“To surprise you, duh,” he replied. “And I’ve got quite the surprise. Wanna guess?” 
“Hmm… did you actually brush your hair today?” 
“Ha-ha, very funny, babe,” he said sarcastically. “But wrong. The surprise is… I have… the rest of the week off!” 
You turned around in his arms excitedly, “Really?!” 
“Yep. For the next four days, I’m all yours, birthday girl.” 
“That’s the best surprise I could ask for. We have to think of some dates to go on.” 
“We’ll go on all the dates - every one of them!” Kuroo said. “But first, we have some celebrating to do.”
The man goes from awkward to seductive in one sentence - it was impressive. 
“Oh, do we?” 
“Of course we do,” he insisted, pulling you closer to him. “Remember last night, when I told you all about how today I’d do whatever you asked me to do?” 
His lips trailed up your neck as he waited for your response. 
“I remember,” you said, thinking about that exact conversation he was referring to. The one where he said he’d give you anything and everything you wanted - with no holding back, and most importantly: no teasing. 
“Well… that starts now, baby. So, what do you want me to do?” 
It was hard to think with his tantalizing lips tickling your skin - but you’d been thinking about what you’d ask him for all day, and there was no way in hell you’d pass on this opportunity. 
“You could start by carrying me to the bed,” you giggled, running your fingers through his hair. 
“Of course,” he smirked. “I planned on doing that, you know.” 
With that he scooped you up and made the short walk to your bedroom. He was really fitting the gentlemen’s role - until he literally dropped you on the bed. 
“Kuroo,” you groaned, only causing him to laugh at you. 
“Isn’t this fun?” he asked with a wide smile, crawling onto the bed, hovering over you. 
“Being dropped isn’t fun,” you reply. 
“Well tell me what I can do to give you a good time, baby girl. I’ve gotta make sure my girl has fun on her birthday, don’t I?” 
“It’s what I’ve been waiting for all day,” you confidently admit. 
“Me too,” he agrees. He gets comfortable, holding himself over you with his muscular arms - the view from where you were laying was enough to make you drool. The man was biting his lip with a smirk, his wild hair was pushed away from his face, and the stare he was sending you was intense. And to make things all the more overwhelming - this hot, sexy man hovering over you was asking you to instruct him on what to do to you. 
“Tell me what to do, baby. I’ll do anything for you.” 
This had to be every straight girl’s wet dream - and here it was, happening right in front of you. 
You had free reign - and you knew just what you wanted. It may be simple, and Kuroo may attempt to tease you for it, but you didn’t care. 
“Eat me out,” you said - attempting to not feel embarrassed at the words you were saying. 
Hearing you say that turned Kuroo on more than he thought it would - he wouldn’t dare put up a fight right now. 
So without another word, he trailed down your body to do as you asked him to, stripping you as he went. 
His mouth fit against your body as if the two were made for each other; he wasted no time doing exactly what you asked, his eyes pointed up to your face the entire time. 
And you were living; so often you’re teased with feather light touches and soft kisses as he mocked you with his seductive words and dominant attitude, but not this time. 
Right now, Kuroo had one goal in mind: to make you feel good. He’d pull out all the tricks to make your chest rise and fall rapidly, to cause his name to spill from your lips, to get your hands harshly tugging on his hair. 
Much to his pleasure, all of those things were happening now as his tongue was dancing along your clit. You couldn’t tell, but he was tracing the letters of his first name - he had no other way to announce his ownership of you, so this would have to do. And he was rubbing your thighs gently as he pleasured you - your thighs which were resting on his shoulders. 
He was comfortable between your legs, undeniably so. The weight of your legs, the heat of your body, the taste of your wetness that was spilling onto his chin - he loved it, all of it. Naturally, Kuroo was in his element. 
And your mind was spinning - he was only between your legs touching your lower half, but you felt him everywhere. You almost couldn’t handle so much direct pleasure - you were coping by squeezing your eyes shut, arching your back, tightly gripping Kuroo’s dark hair with your hand. 
But somehow, you still wanted more. You were convinced you could handle it. 
“Tetsurou…” 
“Hm?” 
“Use your fingers,” you requested, causing him to chuckle against you. “Finger fuck me, Tetsu.” 
He had no idea when you developed such a dirty mouth - but it was such a turn on. He’d have to ask you to boss him around more often. 
And of course he complied with your demand - how could he say no to you, asking so nicely? 
With a deep, scratchy voice, he mumbled, “Anything for my girl,” before pushing two fingers into you, curling them just how he knew you’d like. His tongue got back to work as well. 
That’s exactly what you needed - you couldn’t get over how amazing it felt. The pressure from the pleasure he was giving you was starting to build up; with every second that passed, you felt better and better. 
That pleasure was spreading through your body; fluttering in your stomach, tearing up in your eyes, glazing sweat all over. You knew you’d come undone soon - but you didn’t think about that. You just wanted to feel this pleasure, which was being directly caused by the man you loved so much, and let your orgasm come when it wanted to. 
Kuroo saw it coming before you did; he didn’t think it was possible for you to get any tighter, warmer, wetter but he was wrong - as your moans got louder, your body was telling him that it was about to cum. 
So he sped up everything - the letters he was tracing into your skin turned to scribbles. His fingers stayed in their place inside you, the only movement coming in the form of him curving them back and forth. 
And it’s because of that you came - hard, strong, powerful, every other word of the sort. 
Everything went white. The only thing anchoring you to Earth was the man between your legs - he was the one who sent you flying into that out of body experience, while being the only one who could keep you steady. And you praised him with long moans, chants of his name that were music to his ears. It’s the only reward Kuroo needed.
Your cries caused Kuroo to feel some type of euphoria at the same time - he isn’t sure if he came with you, aching and untouched, but at the moment he didn’t care to know the difference. He was moaning with you, he was throbbing in pleasure and want and need, but he didn’t stop his ministrations for even a second. 
Not until your body relaxed, your moans quieted down, your tight grip on his hair loosened did he even think about stopping. He slowed down his movements, savoring your taste and heat for those final seconds before pulling away. 
But he didn’t go far - he pressed firm kisses to your throbbing sex while you gasped and moaned in response. 
You were left reeling in the after effects of your orgasm as he continued kissing you, mumbling sweet words of affection to help you relax. 
“Such a good girl,” he murmured. “Happy birthday, baby. You’re so, so good for me.” 
While you were busy attempting to catch your breath, he pushed himself up and off of you for just a second; only long enough to pull off his t-shirt, wipe his face with it, and then lay back down on top of you. His head rested on your stomach and he cuddled into you, waiting for you to speak. 
He was still throbbing in his pants - which were uncomfortably sticky and wet, apparently from cum - apparently he did cum along with you. He couldn’t help but laugh at the thought. 
“What?” you asked curiously. 
“That was so hot,” he started, looking up at you, “that I came in my pants.” 
Your face flooded red at the thought, “really?” 
“Yeah,” he laughed. 
“...that’s kinda hot,” you told him, laughing along with him. 
“So I shouldn’t be embarrassed, then? That’s good to know.” 
With that he sat up completely, pushing himself up to face you so he could kiss your lips a few times. “Happy birthday!” he said a final time, with a wide smile and a couple more kisses. “I think this is what I wanna do for my birthday, too.” 
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doyouevenshipbr0 · 5 years
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gruvia dabble
author's note: bruh. yall knew i had to write SOMETHING!!! these last couple weeks have been CRAZY for us gruvia lovers ughhh im so happy!!! and ok im probably eventually going to write what i think will happen in the upcoming chapters before they come out, but i usually don't like to write fics based on like what i think will happen in the next chap. cus then when my fic is just completely disproven by the following chapter im kinda like "eh thats kind of a waste." u know what im saying?? ik theyre called "fan fiction" for a reason but idk. i like to write things that could actually be in the realm of possibilities for the canon. ok does that make any sense??? ok well this fic is heavily inspired by our beautiful chapter 26. also it is soooo like 192727 other drabbles ive already written hehe. also this literally doesnt rly make sense tbh. i just wanted gray telling juvia his thought process like he did w juvina. so. enjoy❤️❤️❤️
*
"Gray-sama would you like to-" Juvia eagerly approached her dear Gray. Since the guild was finally up and running again after the Alvarez war, she couldn't wait to spend actual quality time with Gray. They hadn't really gotten to since they were so busy with the construction of the guild.
"Nope. Goin' on a job." Gray casually walked passed Juvia with his hands in his pockets.
"Eh?!" Juvia snapped her head around and watched Gray leave. "So soon?! Can Juvia at least come with?!" She called out as he continued to walk.
"Nope. Talk to ya' later." Gray didn't turn around. He just stuck a hand up and waved, still heading straight out the door.
Juvia was taken aback for a moment, but she understood. As much as she loved to shower Gray with affection, she knew he was a lone wolf at heart. And with constantly being surrounded by his guildmates as they all fought for who would get to use the hammer next, he was certainly drained.
Juvia nodded with determination. "It's alright. Next time." She said with certainty in her head.
However, over the next three weeks of Gray taking mission after mission and constantly dismissing Juvia, she was frustrated to say the least. She watched him walk out that door with hardly acknowledging her for the last time.
Without even thinking, her feet began to strut their way to catch up with Gray. She picked up her pace and finally caught up with him before he could leave the grounds of the guild.
"Gray-sama." Juvia called, and Gray paused. She used the time to catch up with him, and there they stood in the courtyard.
"What's up?" He simply asked.
"Juvia was just-- well--" She began to get nervous. She cheeks reddened as imagery of she and her beloved Gray danced through her head. She shyly put her hands behind her bag and wiggled her foot a bit. "Juvia was hoping to spend some time with Gray-sama, now that everything's finally calmed down."
"Yeah. We can later." Gray turned right back around and began walking again.
"Wait!" Juvia reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. She let go after a brief pause and Gray looking back at her with his piercing eyes.
"It's just-" She looked away, her eyes saddened. "Juvia's been trying to talk to Gray-sama for about three weeks now, and you've done nothing but ignore me." She pouted a bit. "Just when will later be?" She finished.
Gray sighed. "I dunno'"
"You don't know?!"
"Yeah. I don't know when later will be." His voice was firm.
Juvia was startled at the harshness of his voice and sheepishly caved in a bit. "Has-" Juvia stammered, clearly nervouse. "Has Juvia done something?"
"Huh?" Gray rasied a brow.
"Has Juvia done something to make Gray-sama mad at her?" Her eyes were suddenly glossy with tears, and Gray's eyes reacted by opening up.
"N-no! Not at all! You said it yourself, we haven't hung out in weeks. How could I be mad at you?" Gray was guilty for his tone.
"But why haven't you spent time with me in weeks Gray-sama?" Juvia pried, almost begging. "There's got to be a reason."
Gray's face regained composure. He remembered his purpose. He looked away. "I'm busy."
"Busy with what?"
"Busy with work."
"Well, you don't have to be so busy. And if you need to work so badly, you can always bring Juvia with you on-" Her voice regained its spunk as she began to form a new idea, only to have Gray shoot it down.
"No." He was harsh again.
"No?" Juvia's voice quivered.
"This doesn't have anything to do with you." Gray still looked away.
Juvia's heart sunk. "Oh." Tears began to well up again. "Well." She was looking for the right words to say, but she was at a loss. "Juvia will just mind her own business then." Just as she turned away to sulk back to the guild, Gray caught a glimpse of the tear that rolled down her cheek.
"Wait!" This time, Gray was the one reaching for Juvia's wrist. "I'm sorry." His voice was smoother.
"N-no..." Juvia's voice was timid. "Juvia is the one who is sorry for-"
"Stop it. You don't need to apologize." Gray loosened the grip on her wrist, but pulled her back a couple steps.
"I was lying." Gray said as Juvia finally faced him again, tears glassing over her eyes. "This does have to do with you." He blushed.
"Then why can't Juvia come with-"
"Because, that's not why it has to do with you." As Juvia cocked her head to side, clearly confused, Gray realized that what he was saying sounded silly.
"Gah!" Gray called out and hit himself with his palm, feeling frustrated for bot understanding how to form the thoughts in his head into words. "Do you wanna' sit somewhere?" He finally asked.
Juvia was still confused, but of course nodded in agreement.
The two found a nearby bench that was sitting right in front of a big, clear lake. The sunset reflected on the water, and created an image almost as beautiful as the water itself. They looked at in admiration for a moment, and Juvia turned back to Gray.
"So how does this involve Juvia?" She finally asked.
"I-- I--" Gray remained looking at the lake and ruffled his hair. "I gotta' keep going on missions."
"But why?" Juvia asked, sweetly.
"I... have to get stronger." Gray grumbled as he leaned forward.
"Stronger?" Juvia chuckled. "That's silly! Gray-sama is already the strongest man in the whole world! There is no one thay can compare to you, dear! Why would you think a few missions could improve that?" Juvia swooned.
"If I was the strongest man in the world you wouldn't have that scar." Gray finally said something clearly. Juvia choked on her breath.
"Eh?" She said, softly. "Juvia gave this scar to herself."
"And it was to save me." He seemed like he was growing angrier.
"Yes, but-"
"If I was strong enough, I would've been able to break his chains before that happened. I would've been able to stop it and save you." The composure in his voice was clearly wavering.
"Gray-sama..." Juvia reached an arm and placed it on Gray's back.
"I'm sorry Juvia." His voice shook, and he still did not look at her. "I know I promised you an answer, and at the time i meant it. I still do. It's just-"
Horrible images flashed in Gray's mind, making his skin crawl. "After Invel, and almost losing you, not begin able to protect you... it--it killed me." Gray gritted his teeth, almost like he was biting back tears.
"Darling... You know Juvia is just fine protecting herself." She reasoned.
"Yeah, but you don't understand." He spat.
"Juvia is trying to understand."
"I need more confidence in myself. I need it. I need to know I can protect you when the time comes. And I need to know with 100% certainty." He finally looked at her, and Juvia swore she could see tears trying to break loose from his eyes. "I thought I knew back then, but I was wrong. Just like I was with Ur, Ultear, my dad, and anyone that I've ever loved, but wanted to protect. Just when I thought I could, it was too late. I thought it was too late with you, but it wasn't. This is my second chance, Juvia. I need to know for certain that I'll be enough."
Juvia scooted a bit closer. "Gray-sama, there is always going to be something out there that will pose a threat to you or me. It's inevitable. All that matters is that we do everything in our power to protect one another. As long as we try, our love will always prevail. You were more than enough for me from the moment we met, and Juvia would think you would see that by now."
"I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about you. I just need to make sure I'm the best version of myself for you. Please, understand. I have to do this." His eyes were beckoning for her.
"Gray-sama, Juvia just-" She paused when she saw the desperation in his eyes. "When will it finally be enough? When will you know you're strong enough?"
"I've decided I'm going to take the 100 Years Quest. After that, I'll be ready. I'm certain of it." Determination was plastered in his face once again.
"This is so unnecessary." Juvia sighed. "But if this is what Gray-sama must do, Juvia will wait. Juvia understands that you must do this for yourself, but I just wish Gray-sama can see that he is already more than enough for me." She put her hand atop of his and gave him a reassuring grin.
"Thank you." Gray smiled back and gave her hand a little squeeze. "I know I'll be ready soon, and once I am, I'm gonna' go after you." Gray gave a smirk, Juvia's face became flushed with his sudden forwardness.
The two shared a heartfelt gaze, as they looked in each other's eyes and finally understood one another. They gave calming smiles, finished by another hand squeeze from Gray.
"No matter what."
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fyrapartnersearch · 4 years
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Partner search!
Hello all! I’m looking for a skilled, experienced 1x1 partner or two for a Discord roleplay. I have a few particular plots, though please feel free to come with your own ideas. Please read to the end as there is a password I won't answer messages without.
•General/Writing Style•
I usually prefer sticking at around 4 paragraphs and up, but quality over quantity for the most part. If you usually write 3 paragraphs or less, it'll be hard for me to stay interested, however. I would prefer you write in 3rd person, past tense. Please have decent grammar and spelling, varied vocabulary and sentence structure, as well as decent syntax. Please provide me something of substance to respond to in your responses. Please also be somewhat experienced.
•Age•
18+ only, but 21+ preferred (I'm 23)
•Timezone•
Mine is EST. I do not mind what timezone you're in.
•Response Frequency•
I'd prefer if you could respond at least once a week. I'm a pretty busy student can't definitely commit to much more than that, so I won't ask that of you. Please try to communicate when you will be gone or significantly less active for several weeks or more. I will try to do the same.I'm a bit less lenient with this when we're still doing introductions, so if we've barely said hello but a few days pass and I hear nothing, I'll assume you're no longer interested or never were in the first place and close our discussion. You are free to assume the same of me.
•Genre•
I'm a sucker for Romantic Slice-of-life with a healthy dose of drama and angst, but I do like to weave other genres in there too such as Supernatural, Mystery, Action, and Adventure. I'm really open to most things if the plot interests me.
•Gender and Romantic Preference•
I strongly prefer playing a female main outside of MxM. Beyond that, I am open to MxF, FxF, and MxM . Currently, I'm mostly in the mood for an MxF or possibly F//. My apologies, but please note I do not play male in MxF unless we have roleplayed other pairings together before and have highly compatible writing styles. I rarely double up.I do not engage in dichotomy personality dynamics(ie- dom/sub, ABO, top/bottom) and like pairings to be close to even as possible in contributions to the relationship. If a scene gets intimate, I'd prefer we fade to black.
•Plots/Creativity•
The plots I’m looking to do atm are listed below. Despite this, you're more than welcome to share plots of your own. I'd prefer it if you are open to brainstorming plot points and bouncing ideas off each other too- let's keep this interesting for both of us so it stays alive.
•OCs•
I would prefer not to roleplay with OCs that are excessively shy, Mary-Sues, or OP. Additionally, please ensure your own OC does not monopolize the plot with their own issues and background. Let's share the spotlight.I tend to play multiple characters and would prefer if you did too.Please do not control my main OC or any named side characters I introduce. It can really mess with my plans with them if you suddenly auto-kill out of nowhere or something... If necessary, I may permit you to control a side character of mine, but please run it by me first. Communication is key.
•Platform•
Discord is strongly preferred. I can potentially be convinced to use kik, tumblr, or line.
•Fandoms•
I am willing to roleplay within the universe of several fandoms, but please note I do not roleplay as canon characters and would prefer not to roleplay with canon characters either. Please recall that I am more than happy to do original plots too if you aren't into any of these.-Corpse Party**-Black Mirror-Death Note-Avatar The Last Airbender*-Downton Abbey-Call The Midwife*-Dragon Quest(IV-IX)***-Miraculous Ladybug****(I'd love to delve into the more subtle, darker elements like the consequences of a broken miraculous and time travel)-Fruits Basket**-Soul Eater*-The Hunger Games-Harry Potter(The number of * indicates craving)
•Original Plots•
(Muse I would like to play is bolded. If neither are bolded, I can do either. All of these are open to brainstorming and tweaking!)
Muse A was born into a society where ‘falling in love’ is not a thing. Sure, it’s written in about fairy tales and even history texts, but most Readers laugh it off as a silly, archaic concept. All couples are formed by reading Cerebral wavelengths, stats that are unique to every individual. Every person has a single match and are paired with that person permanently when they come of age. No trades, no take-backs. Muse B, though born into the regular world, doesn’t believe in love either. Perhaps it was the plight of their parents, or that one nasty breakup. Perhaps it was the sight of all the couples around who’d be lovey-dovey one week, but strangers the next. Whatever it is, they don’t buy it. That suits Muse A just fine- their Cerebral wavelengths not only don’t match, they bang together in a cacophony. Why is it then that these two begin experiencing an undeniable pull to each other?
One night, Muse A is taking their usual jog through the park when they trip right over Muse B tying their shoe. Cliche start is cliche, I know, but stay with me here. After some initial awkwardness, the two hit it off quite well. Flash forward a week or so and the pair are starting school in the same class, Muse A as one of the typical debutants, and Muse B a lucky upstart on a basketball scholarship. Muse B had high hopes for where things’ll go…only to find out Muse A has a boyfriend, who happens to be Muse B’s nemesis on the courts. Whoops. But something’s really off with the couple. As in the boy is downright awful, and it isn’t just the rivalry talking. Yet Muse A refuses to leave him…why is that?
(This is an older one of mine, but I’ve recently kinda been in the mood to start it up again.) Marianoh’s Culinary Institute is the most renowned school for culinary arts in the country. Any who truly wish to be a master chef would be foolish not to attend. Unless they don’t have the means- the tuition is insanely high. Muse A is part of the lucky few of humble beginnings that has been selected to attend via scholarship. They couldn’t be more excited. Muse B, on the other hand, comes from a family of celebrity chefs. Their spot at Marianoh’s was confirmed before birth. Yet, somehow, they don’t share Muse A’s joy. Far from it, actually. What happens when the two are partnered up for the year?
(A brand new one definitely open to suggestions) St. Cornelius’ Academy(or University) is an academic institution reserved only for those of royal or noble background as well as their future servants, attendants, and body guards. Students of the academy hail from kingdoms where individuals are born gifted with control over the 8 elements- light, wind, flame, flora, lightening(tech), water, earth, and darkness. Students are divided based on status into ‘Golds,’ ‘Greys,’ and ‘ The ‘Gold’ category includes all royalty and nobility aside from viscounts and barons of low birth. The ‘Gray’ category includes future ladies and men in waiting, other servants, attendants, and body guards. Students are instructed in all areas in order to best prepare them for their future roles from political science to etiquette to combat. Given the wealth of a portion of the student body, the campus is a vivacious display of luxury, featuring lavish gardens, seemingly endless grounds, state-of-the-art learning facilities, and even an expansive kitchen headed by a world renowned 31 star chef. Currently, I have three potential pairings in mind for this set-up.
-Muse A is a new lady in waiting assigned to a spoilt, catty Duchess of Aquaria(Water Kingdom). Catering to the every whim of the young princess-to-be is exhausting, but her goal of reaching far greater heights than her questionable background merits keeps her going. What faster way to do that than catching the eye of Muse B, the princess’ bethrothed and crown Prince of Aquaria using abilities bequeathed to her by her merpeople ancestry? The lines between acting and reality are prone to blurring, however and actual feelings soon begin to muddle her plans. Muse B isn’t as unaware as he first seems either..
-Muse A is the somewhat naive prince of Angion(Flora), unsure of his future. He’s distant from his fiancée, Muse B a cold, proud Marchioness of the same kingdom, and his closest confident is one of his newest body guards, Muse C. Little does he know, that Muse C has quite the secret- she’s truly a girl whose taken on her brothers identity to serve. What will happen when all comes into the open?
5. Muse A has always been at the top of their class since early elementary and thrived on it. They come from a family of high achievers where failure is neither seen nor accepted. Proud and arrogant over their achievements, their grades make them, them. All that changed when Muse B showed up, smashing the entrance exams with marks unheard of. Of course Muse A wouldn’t take that lying down, thus, the classic rivalry begins. What happens when the two find they have more in common than they thought? Life on Muse B’s side is not all it seems as well.
Contact Instructions: Please message me here on tumblr  (https://lisanimelis.tumblr.com/) with your favorite color and a writing sample. If all goes well there, we'll move to discord. 
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lifeafterten · 5 years
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RtN 02: Sept 02 -Sept 12; Get Me the FUCK Outta Here
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I’ve been here for days. Who the fuck stays in the hospital for days?... Fucked up people. And I’m in Fucked-Upville-- Population (points to self) this mother fucker. 
Okay. Okay. I’m turning the drama down.  Honestly though... I’ve been here a fucking while. I have an I.V. tube in each arm, one for fluids, because I’m perpetually dehydrated, the other is for the antibiotics that don’t seem to be working, because I still feel like death. I have to often lay in awkward positions so I don’t tangle myself and make the machines go off. So. Much. Beeping. And I swear to Christ, if they come at you with a little blue bag and claim it’s potassium... RUN--Fucking run, because once they hook your ass up to that shit you’ll feel like they’re injecting fire into your veins and you can’t scream because let’s face it: you’re too damn tired, so you settle for some weird case of facial Tourettes in the form of wincing and hissing. And they turn the drip down enough for the fire to feel like a sting... and you feel that effervescent sting until it’s done. It’s “supposed” to take 30 minutes-- they say. But my pansy ass can’t take the heat so the slowed down version makes it last at least an hour and some change. I pray I’m not stubborn enough today to take the morphine.  Why won’t you take the morphine, Ashley? I’ll fucking tell you why-- I have control issues.  And the morphine feels too fucking good that I need the pain to remind me that I’m still alive and to gauge between dream and reality.
At this point I’m agitated (by pain and impatience). I’ve been stuck by damned needled so many times, because of all the bloodletting I’ve been doing.  These assholes have been taking my life source (no, not coffee, you freak) twice a day. Oh, I’m sorry, they’ve been taking my “blood cultures” twice a day.
Why? They don’t say. They tell me to ask my doctor. My doctor is a pussy.  Soft spoken; pussy footing fucking pussy, who can’t give me a straight answer.
I dismiss my doctor more than a person dismisses alcoholism. Day drinking is not a bad thing. Who cares if it’s barely noon and you’ve been drinking since 9. ... Not speaking from experience-- Anyway!
I dismissed my doctor a lot. I couldn’t help it. I’ve been laying up in this bitch for weeks and you can’t give me some indication of what’s going on; let alone a time frame of when I’ll be able to go home-- on top of a mother fucking reason why I’m being kept in here for so damn long? Yeah. Fuck that shit. Dismissed, mother fucker. I have no fucks to give for useless asshats. Come talk to me when you can tell me what the fuck’s up. 
I’ve been moved to three or four rooms. From the ER bed to Surgery... Then to another room in Surgery... to the Telemetry ward, because my heart rate was too high-- which honestly I’m not surprised... I’ve been on permanent pissed the hell off for quite some time now.  They take my vitals every 30 minutes.  I’ve been counting because I literally have nothing else to do, besides... I only feel that it’s fair that I monitor them while they monitor me. But mostly it’s because I’m bored and there’s nothing on TV.  By now I’ve refused visitors.  I’ve dodged death a couple times.
Homicide via Mio overdose: Backstory: I asked for Mio, because they kept saying I was dehydrated and I thought I needed electrolytes like a muh’fug, so when my friend Kris came by (note she had no idea what Mio was let alone how to use it) and had dumped an entire bottle of Mio (24 servings) into my water jug (16 - 24 oz tops). I take one sip of it and I thought I was gonna die. Chest was on fire. My machines were going crazy, because I was coughing my lungs out and poor Kris is panicked and distraught. Its hard to convey you’re okay if you’re croaking like you’ve been smoking for about 300 years and your vision is obscured by tears. Sidenote: The incident still brings her to tears to this day, she feels so bad. Personally, I think it’s adorable and funny... Now, at the time...? Owie.
Suicide via Mother doth Love too much: I love my mother. I do. I love my entire family. But they like to hover and it was stifling. They’re looking at me with worried eyes when they think I’m asleep and I get it.  It doesn’t look good, kid.  My sister? God love her, she tries to keep the worry and her tears in check because she knows I don’t know how to handle them.  My Dad? Shit, my dad knows what’s up. He knows I’m gonna handle my shit the only way I know how. On my own terms. This is why I’m a daddy’s girl. My brother and sister in law on the other hand? My bother spilled water down the front of my gown (had to change that shit. not fun) and his wife, in her efforts to break my fever, stuffed my fresh new gown with ice packs.. And when I say ice packs, I mean latex gloves filled with ice stuffed in my gown. Stuffed. In. My. Fucking. Gown. That’s it-- I’ve had it! Everyone’s banned.
And it’s also hard to put on a tough front when all I wanna do is cry, but I end up just being angry instead.
The only human interaction I had is when the nurses are taking my blood, or my vitals, or switching my IV bags, or helping me to the bathroom to do bathroom things, or giving me sponge baths because I’m too weak to get out of bed, or shooting morphine into my body to ease my torment; or shoving pills down my fucking throat because nothing is fucking working. I’m still getting fevers out of nowhere.  People are coming in and out every morning to lift my gown up (they do it so much they don’t even ask anymore. A brief thought of charging them crosses my mind, and I allow a small giggle. Because it’s silly, because I’m glad I still had somewhat of a sense of humor.) Still, I think my cooter deserves some ounce of respect. Women’s lib and all that crap. I’ve turned this part of the day into a game (I’m SO fucking bored). I like to spot the face tightening moment when they assess whatever the fuck is going on with my leg (I don’t know. I haven’t seen... I don’t want to see yet). 
It’s fun for me, because they’re medical professionals-- they’re supposed to be used to this kind of thing. But the face tightening? To me that’s a victory. That just means they have to school their expressions to indifference so as to not alarm me. Ah, bed side manner.  They’re so sweet. But I know just by their non-expressions that it looks fucked up. I have to look at the small details; read between the lines of what they’re not telling me.  I’d be in the dark otherwise. What are they not telling me? I know they’re testing for something... But I don’t know what they’re testing for. I stamp down fear, because I don’t have enough data to panic.
My dreams are getting scarier, because of the morphine. No more morphine, I promise myself. Vicodin only.  Yeah, that seems safer. The nurses, I’ve learned, just need someone to listen to them. Since I can’t get a decent night’s sleep because they’re fucking coming in every 15 to 30 minutes all day, every day, all the fucking time... Why the fuck not? I got nowhere else to be. I seem to have opened Pandora’s Box, because it’s 3am and I’m giving life advice to Agnes who has a very rebellious son, whom I point out is 16 years old and he’s going through a phase, it doesn’t mean she’s a bad mother.  Which I reminds me that I need to tell Doris who’s part of the Day crew that Agnes is off on Wednesdays too and that they should hangout together, because I think they would get along. I make a mental note to pass Agnes’ number to Doris later. I really should start charging... This pro bono shit aint working out. 
During my hospital stay I’ve managed the following:
Make only 4 nurse assistants cry
Befriend most if not all the Filipino nurses (they gave me all the apple sauce I wanted)
Make that one stern Indian Night Nurse smile (she gave me yogurt and bananas every time she was on shift)
Counsel only 5 to 6 nurses, mostly 5.. the 6th one kinda got weird. Didn’t take whatever she gave me.
Snob my doctor almost every day. 
Made my main nurse laugh because she thinks I’m a riot. 
Days later it was time for me to go home. I knew this for damned sure.  I saw so many specialists from an infectious disease doctor to a surgeon. I was so fucking bloated from all the fluids they were trying to fill me with that they could barely find veins to stab to get their precious blood cultures from. 
I also decided that with my body like this the Mitchelin tire man was my cousin.
Sidenote: To hell with the Infectious Disease doctor. That heifer made me lay on my side for two fucking days straight. Fat load that shit did for me. With all the extra fluids in my body, it just shifted to one side. All it gave me was a backache and lopsided boobs... and some fucking fluid in my lungs. Fucking devil woman. I got a fucked up leg, I’m the size of a float during the Macy’s Day Parade, and now I got lopsided tits. It’s funny... now. At the time? Not so much. It was September 12.  I had broken out in a rash due to an allergic reaction to one of the antibiotics. (Let’s just add that to the list of whatever the fuck else is wrong with my body, shall we?) My “doctor” (doesn’t deserve the title nor respect. Sorry not sorry) was trying to get me to stay a few more days. I’ve had quite enough. I told him to get the discharge papers ready. I’m leaving. My fevers were gone. My leg wasn’t draining so badly anymore (ew, gross. sorry) I felt fine. Despite me constantly checking my hands so they don’t try to scrape my skin off. Fucking hell I was so itchy. I didn’t need to be in here. That’s when the good doctor decided to divulge that I hurt his feelings and that I was his least favorite patient. (Boo freakity hoo.) But I was a good girl and let him talk, said all the appropriate things. ... He’s still a pussy.  He was glad to be rid of me and the feeling was more than fucking mutual. I did not tell him to get fucked. I did not tell him to suck my dick. I did not flick him off. I did not throw shit at him. I was rather proud of myself. I showed great restraint.  But I did point out that just because he had the “MD” attached to his name, does not mean automatic respect. Respect is earned Dr. Pussy foot.  I signed the paperwork with relish. Jessie came to pick me up and I was whisked off to spend my mandatory (couldn’t argue my way outta that one) bed rest at the Joseph’s.  I’m so tired of laying down. TBC...
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I know you need time...
And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.
You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.
ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.
honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.
with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:
Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion. 
Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.
Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.
snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration.  This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.
Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten. 
self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time. 
unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc. 
Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself. 
Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa. 
Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc.  I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal.  I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes. 
The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.
Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow. 
Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess. 
Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together. 
Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p 
I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.
Honesty and openness -
Approachability -
Changes in opinion and feelings -
Worries -
Moving forward - 
boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other. 
dating - 
Home - 
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blessyoy-blog · 7 years
Text
All this stuff was supposed to be a scenario but things got out of hand
WARNING: INJURIES, ANGST, HOSPITALIZATION, MENTION OF MOTORCYCLE CRASH 👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆
Just some preliminary information: -5 years post canon, last week of February - Yuuuri and Viktor live in Hasetsu. - After Yakov’s retirement Milla and Georgi moved to Canada. - Yuri live on his own in Saint Pietroburg and is couched by a middle-age man called Sergeij. - Yuri is the European gold medalist and Otabek earned the silver medal at the Four Continents. - Otabek is staying at Yuri’s place because Riga is the host city of the Worlds and he hates flights with a stopover ( and he doesn’t want to miss Yuri’s birthday, of course).
This “fic” begins in media res simply because I haven’t been able to turn into english the previous part. If my english is broken, i’m sorry. Basically, I’ve omitted the “crash scene" and Otabek’s panic attack.
I hope you’ll enjoy this, anyway.
«How long Are you planning to do nothing but stand still at the door?» Yuri’s weak voice caught Otabek off guard and almost made him jump. «I was wondering if you were asleep.» he explained, walking with a slight limp into the dark room. « I wasn’t expecting company and the light was bugging my eyes. It seems like you’re still in one piece… i’m glad.» Yuri whispered, motionless in the hospital bed. «Yeah… more or less… i can’t say the same about you.» Otabek didn’t recognize his own voice; it was so shaky and thin that sounded like someone else’s. «That’s very perceptive, Mr. Altin.» Yuri answered sarcastically, turning his head slowly so he could look at him. The older skater smiled nervously, stroking the back of his neck with his finger, staring for a moment at Yuri’s body. Yuri’s left leg was covered in bandages and propped, his right arm was plastered and an IV catheter was placed on his left hand and fixed with adesive. Otabek sat down at his bedside and stared at the floor in silence, finding himself unable to hold Yuri’s gaze. Both of them said nothing for a few minutes; the awkward silence made them feel extremely unconfortable. «I don’t need pity. Things are not that bad. It could have been so much worse… You can look at me and say something or leave me alone. The choice is yours.» the russian burst out, in the end. The older reluctantly reased his head, meeting Yuri’s fierce eyes. «I will never pity you… It’s just… I.. I don’t know what to say.» he admitted, caressing Yuri’s cheek and brushing a stran of blonde hair over his ear. After a moment of esitation, Otabek gently felt his friend’s forehead. «You feel a little warm… I’ll tell the nurse!» he anxiously said raising his voice. «I’m not running a temperature… Be quiet, my head hurts like hell…remember where we are» he moaned, frowing. «My bad, sorry…» The kazakh young man apologized whispering. «Your hands are frozen, that’s different.» Yuri added, grumbling. « That’s true, I guess.» Otabek sighed, brushing his hands on his pant legs. Yuri took a deep breath and opened his tired eyes again. «What time is it, now?»he softly asked. «It’s been more than five hour since…» Otabek stopped as he felt a knot in his throath. He swallowed but he didn’t menage to put an end to that unpleasant feeling. Yuri looked at him with a blank expression on his face. «You can say that we were in a crash, Otabek. It isn’t putted on taboo yet. So.. Again… What time is it?» «A quarter past five.»Otabek answered, trying to regain his composure. «Have you… Told someone? Fuck! What a stupid question! You had a rough patch too… It would have been a stupid thing to do, in the first place.What’s the point on waking an old man up in the middle of the night and scaring him to death?!» he bitterly laughed at himself . «I Will make phone calls in the morning, then.» «Moscow is more than 700 km far from here… Victor and Katsudon are in Japan… I’ll call dedushka and the lovebirds myself. They can’t be sure you’re not trying to sugar coat the truth. You can inform Sergeij and all the others. We are supposed to be at the rink in a few hours, afterall… Remind me to check the time difference» Otabek nodded and a throaty moan escaped his lips as he moved slightly his lower limbs trying to find a more confortable position. «What’s wrong with your leg? Are you sure you are alright? » Yuri queried noticing that Otabek were in pain. « I will be fine in a couple of weeks. That’s nothing serious… What doctors say?» «I wasn’t really listening… All I know is that I need surgery as soon as it’s safe enough… my arm is broken and…i don’t exactly know what’s wrong with my knee, but it will be troublesome. Generally speaking everyrhing else is fine. I will be completely out of the picture for some months. If everything goes well, i mean.It could take up to a year.It’ll be annoying but i’ll bear with it.» «What about…skating?» Otabek bit his lower lip as if he was trying to take his words back. «We’ll see… It’s not like it’s the end of the world…. I’m still alive right? I’ve been lucky…. We’ve been lucky.» he answered as if he were repeating a mantra without knowing what it truly means. «You don’t have to be a hero, Yuri.» «And you can’t tell me what to do, moron!» The russian snarled but anger drained out of him as soon as he looked at Otabek’s downcast face. When their eyes met, they both were unsure of what to do. So, they just stared at each other for a while. Unsurprisingly, Yuri was the first to feel the need to break silence. «Don’t look at me like that… I’m almost 21. With age comes wisdom, they say. Maybe I’m simply not in my right mind. It’s the concussion. That’s possible. Or… I don’t know what they gave me but i guess it’s some good shit. You should try it, it’s worth.» he sneered while his chin and his lips strarted quivering and trembling. He closed his eyes, trying to hold back tears. «I’m not trying to be a hero… Heroes are on battlefield, right? I’m a useless soldier who don’t know if he would never be able to fulfill his duties again… I’m just trying to Keep myself grounded.» he said with a wobbly voice. Tears were beginning to blur Otabek’s vision; he tried to say something but he was cut off by Yuri’s grunt. « Don’t… Don’t you dare saying that it’s only a matter of time before things will be back to normal or bullshit like these just because i can’t punch you right now!!! I don’t want to talk about this… I don’t want to think about this… What’s so difficult?! You… You’re such an asshole.» Yuri angrily looked at Otabek and barely held himself together. Tears were rolling down the kazakh skater’s cheeks. «Dammit! I am the one who is suppose to cry!» Yuri sobbed, looking away from Otabek. «You’re crying…» the older pointed out, wiping his own tears and gently touching his friend’s arm. «You started first!» the russian retorted in a childish way bawling his eyes out. He was lifting his hand to his face when Otabek gently and carefully held it. «Stay still» Otabek firmly said wiping away tears from Yuri’s eyes and replacing his hand on the mattress. ” I… I don’t know how this could happened… It shouldn’t have happened…If only…” he stammered confusedly, rubbing Yuri’s cheeks. « It’s not your fault.» Yuri interrupted him sobbing harshly. «Do you remember anything?» Otabek asked brokenly, doing his best to keep his mind clear. «No… not at all.» he said in response when he caught his breath again. «You can’t be sure, then…» The older skater said, smoothing out his blonde hair. «We’ve taken a ride on your motorcycle before… Usually i’m the reckless one… And one of the nurses said it was a drunk man…. You can blame yourself but i won’t. It doesn’t matter how careful you ride when shit like this happens, Otabek» Even if he was broken, Yuri was reassuring . It was exactly the opposite of what should have been done. That was what Otabek taught, feeling useless and cursing himself while Yuri started sniffling repeatedly, wailing. Otabek closed his eyes and took a deep breath before standing up and walking around the bed. “Shhh… easy… breath" he soothingly whispered, helping Yuri lifting his head and his shoulders off bed. «Blow…» he calmly said, holding a tissue over Yuri’s nose. Having his nose wiped by someone else made the blonde russian blush. It took a while before Yuri eventually started relaxing under Otabek’s touch. When Yuri’s convulse sobs shrunk into soft whimpers, Otabek made him drink a sip of water and laid him down. Yuri was clearly exausted and drowsy. «You should come back to Almaty. I’ll come back to Moscow… as soon as i can, of course.» «Don’t be silly, Yuri. I’ll stay here» «If you like Saint Pietroburg so much, you can pay the rent and stay at my place, then» Otabek ran his hand through Yuri’s hair, smiling softly at him. « Yuri, I’ll stay at your place…With you… Moscow is far… Travelling doesn’t sound like a great idea. I can’t leave you alone» his voice was little more than a murmur. « I can take care of myself. I will find a way. I don’t want to be a burden to anybody. There’s nothing you can do for me» Otabek sat down and sighed, shrugging. «Making sure you eat properly and follow doctor’s orders… Treating your wounds so you won’t get an infection… Making sure you don’t push yourself too hard.. Or that you don’t push yourself hard enought… I can handle things like these… However… Someone has to feed your cats» «You kinda got a point there» he laughed a little, still sniffling every now and then. When Otabek cautiously held his left hand, Yuri cracked a smile but shily looked away. «It won’t mess up my plans. I’ll miss the Worlds.I will stay longer, that’s all.You will never be a burner. We are friends, are we?» «I don’t think being friends is enough…you have to be a huge idiot, too.» Yuri said back, nearly dozing off. «You’re right, that’s that. Let’s no deal with it anymore.Just focus on regain your strenght. Nothing less, nothing more. I will take care of everything else.» he said smoothly, lowering his tone. «You can go… You don’t have to watch over me… Nurses are paid to do that sort of thing.» Yuri muttered barely keeping his eyes opened. « Going around in a hospital doesn’t look like something funny, Yuri.» «You better sleep too.» the russian whispered. «Don’t worry about that.» Otabek said softly even if he wasn’t sure Yuri was still listening. Afterall, that night he felt like he would never sleep again.
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Hi , I'm planning to get a Mustang v6 premium 2014, I'm an international student with 3.7 GPA in High-school I have a clean record even in my country ( no accidents or tickets ) I know it's not possible to get a real accurate estimate but what I want to know if it would exceed 200$ a month ?""
Will deferred adjudication raise my car insurance?
Ok, so a few weeks ago i got my first spee ding ticket (57 in a 45) and im going to ask the judge on Wednesday for deferred adjudication as an option. Im on my parents insurance with USAA, and was wondering if anyone knows if insurance rates will go up? That's my primary concern.""
Anyone know cheap car insurance?
I don't expect someone to know the exact cheapest for my situation because I know it varies but in your opinion & experience what insurance provider do you think would be cheapest? Thank you =D
Help with Car Insurance?
My current car insurance will expire tomorrow at 11:59pm and the new one will take effect at 12:01am. Am I going to have an issue with that 1 minute of non coverage? I know this might sound silly but I just don't know if that will be some kind of an issue. Any help is appreciated. Thank you.
Insurance help???!?!?!?
right, im a 17 year old male who passed my test in may 2010, however i now have enough money for a cheap car and insurance, but why is it so expensive?? cheapest i have found is like 4k so please if anyone can help what is the best cars to get cheap insurance, i have tried putting myself as a second driver but is still really expensive, i need some help where is the best place, what is the price you have? i just need helpp!!!! pleeasssee""
Should High School Dropouts & Others w/o Insurance be forced to Join the Military ...?
... and to serve their country in exchange for taxpayers taking care of them? Hasn't America forced a lot of citizens to join the military (with good results) over the past 230 ...show more
rhode island flood insurance rate map
rhode island flood insurance rate map
Do I need road tax to get insurance?
My car was SORN declared and now I need insurance to get road tax. I did not keep on my insurance as it was off the road for some time. I have the MOT but do I need road tax to get insurance? Bit of a catch 22 situation!
Cheapest car insurance?
Which company has the cheapest car insurance? I just bought a brand new car yesterday and I can't drive it off the lost until I have car isurance for it.
How much would my car insurance cost?
i am a 17 year old girl with a car in insurance group one was wondering how much it is going to cost to insure???
How to get cheap car insurance ?
I have just passed my driving test 2 weeks ago and im 18 ive been searching forever to get a cheap quote but its not working anyone know what to do and who to go with
What's the cheapest car insurance in NY?
I'm 20 (female) with an 1991 Honda and a couple minor infractions, and I'm really looking to get a cheaper insurance plan. What would you recommend? Thanks!!""
PPO vs. HMO Insurance?
I am trying to understand pros vs cons of HMO vs PPO. We are a family of three (myself, spouse and newborn). We do not have much health issues. Premium difference is about $150 per month (i.e. HMO cheaper than PPO). But need to understand any limitations of HMO. Is it tough to find a PCP who takes HMO insurance? Or is it people with health complications usually opt for PPO as it is more flexible?""
Can you get car insurance without a license?
I want to buy a car without a drivers license. Can I get insurance for the car if I use another name of a person with a license?
How much is insurance for a crotch rocket (600cc)?
I'm a teenager looking to purchase a crotch rocket (by definition) in the next 6 months, and after googling it and coming up with incredibly high prices, I thought there had to be cheaper insurance. Can anybody provide me with information on how much liability insurance would be for a teenager for a crotch rocket 600cc (not a new one; probably anywhere from '95 - '05). I have no tickets, or wrecks, etc, etc. I would be willing to take a drivers school, etc, etc, whatever I had to do, to lower the insurance. Thanks.""
Car Insurance question! please help confused. SR-22?
So I just purchased a new car, its in my name only. I live with my girlfriend who has to have SR-22 insurance and she does. She will drive this car periodically. Do i need to list her as a driver of this car? It really raises my rates! If she is paying for her own SR-22 insurance, and its unnamed so it covers her in any vehicle she drives do I need to list her??? Need some experienced information please! Thanks!""
Dental Insurance question?
On my dental insurance card, I have a primary care dentist listed on it. Does this mean that I must go to this dentist in order to have the insurance pay for my appointments or can I go to any dentist that accepts my insurance without having to switch my primary care dentist and still receive the insurance benefits? Will the insurance cover less if I don't go to the primary care dentist? Thanks!""
Raise car insurance price?
I recently got a speeding ticket for $198. I've only been pulled over twice, once in 2006 and then this current occasion. I'm a college student and I'm very short on money and I'm unsure as to what to do. I've already saved $100 and when I get paid again, I'll save the remaining amount. However, I hadn't thought about traffic school just because it's about $30 for the class and then an additional $10 to get the certification sent to me and by that point, it'll be close to 30 days and I have to mail the ticket and payment out since I was pulled over in a different county. And, it would end up costing me more money in the end. I'd receive 4 points on my license without taking traffic school. How bad is 4 points? Will the points make my car insurance go up? What's the best thing to do in this situation?""
How much would it cost to get the implanon removed at planned parenthood but with no insurance?
I have had it for almost 2 years and it bothers me so much! I get really bad side affects from this stupid thing and I want it out ASAP!
Will my parents insurance go up if i get a permit?
I just turn 16, and i wanna take the class. I live in Houston, TX. Will my parents insurance raise if i get a permit? I need answer Quick! Please Help!""
Cheap car insurance with DUI?
I'm really struggling to pay rent along with everything else, and now I have to pay car insurance or else my registration will be suspended. I can barely afford to buy food with my part time job and school. Is there a really cheap car insurance company that accept DUIs? I don't have bad credit and have ALWAYS paid my bills, I just need something relatively cheap or else I have no idea how I am going to stay under a roof with food. I live in northern California if that matters. I'm 24 and got my DUI 3 years ago. I had actually got stopped because of my light.""
NEED cheap car insurance for 18 year old east london!?
Please please do not say your going to have to pay 4k+ or something stupid, All my mates found car insurances for under 3k!""
""Your credit rating can affect how much you pay for renters insurance,if so explain thoroughly.?""
Your credit rating can affect how much you pay for renters insurance,if so explain thoroughly.?""
How much does sr-22 insurance cost for a DUI conviction in the state of TN?
just wanted to know if anyone knew what i'm looking at to pay for this to get a restricted lisence because i couldnt find it on the interet
How much would auto insurance be for an 18 year old female?
ok I have good grades (straigh A's) I will be driving around 2,500 miles 5 days a week I will be able to drive a 2001 chevy tahoe, 2004 honda civic and 95 toyota camry main car is 95 toyota camry though i live in san bernardino what would be the average amount for insurance? where can i go to get cheap liability insurance?""
What will a car insurance company check?
I've just made my first claim ever for a car accident, I was rear ended at a traffic light and the other driver accepted liability immediately, however what details will their insurance company check about me? I've made the claim through my insurance but want it to be handled stress free! Thanks in advance!""
How do i get insurance for a party?
having a party and venue request a certificate of insurance..i have no other insurance other than auto..how can i get a coi cheap and fast
How much is a ticket for no license and no insurance?
the ticket cost in fort wayne or indiana.
Where can I find the best and affordable health insurance?
employer does not provide health insurance anymore. where can i find the best affordable health insurance that i pay for myself? thanks
Do I need my own insurance to drive my mothers car?
What I would like to do it borrow my Mother's car to drive to work, which is less than 2 miles away. Do I need to have my own insurance, or will her insurance cover me if I'm driving her car?""
Will my car insurance change if?
I have two cars under my insurance .. one has had an accident and the payments went up.. now if I remove that car from my insurance cuz I wanna sell it does the other cars payment go up..
Car insurance question ?
I am now 20 and i am planning on buying a car. I heard that the insurance price is high for beginning drivers so I was wondering if the price goes down as I age...what are the best insurance companies that do this ? Thanks !!
rhode island flood insurance rate map
rhode island flood insurance rate map
Health Care Insurance (CA)?
So 2014 coming around I know we need health insurance or else we have to pay a fee. My question is not sure what insurance to pick (specifically anything dental,vision, regular doctor ...show more""
New York State Car Insurance Question?
A friend of mine had his car parked in front of his house in the street. A drunk driver without a license hit it while it was parked, left the car and ran off on foot. Turns out the person driving was not the owner of the car, he did not steal it, the owner let him borrow it. My friend's insurance company is telling him that they need some kind of acknowledgment by the owner of the car, admitting to wrong doing, before they can process his claim. Does this sound correct?""
Is it a law in New Hampshire that you must have car insurance?
I recently bought a car that i know own 100% (i am not leasing). Is it a NH state law that i HAVE to have car insurance? Any sources would be very helpful.
Drink driving & car insurance?
Does anyone know of any car insurance dealers that are kind(er) to drink drivers? All my qoutes are high and I just don't have the money to be forking out on car insurance. I have just bought my first flat and have a baby on the way...I wish they could see that circumstances have changed!!!
Looking for health insurance for my parents who were deemed 'high risk' and have been rejected several times.
My dad is self-employed, so no company insurance plan, and my mom does not work. They are both considered 'high risk' because of health problems and having to take several prescription medications. They have been rejected a few times, one was Blue Cross Blue Shield and I don't know the others. I'm very concerned for their health and want to find something to help them. My dad makes enough money to not qualify him for anything for low income families. Does anyone know about any affordable health insurance companies that accept 'high risk' people? Or insurance for the self employed? Thanks!""
Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?
Self employed and need affordable health insurance for self and children?
Anyone know of any cheap insurance companies for a 17 year old on a renault clio 1.2 dynamique...?
in england that is and i am lookin at the premium being around 1000
What insurance company is best for self employment health insurance?
I am thinking about becoming self employed. What company offers the best insurance policy for self employed people?
How do I advertise to people in California qualified to buy car insurance?
For the best insurance coverage all you need is a fax machine and a genuine need and intention to buy auto insurance now.
How can i make my car insurance quote cheaper?
When i get quotes online they are really expensive, what could i change to make it cheaper?""
Looking for Health Insurance that allows 5 year old as primary member?
We live in Texas, I'm looking for health insurance for our 5 year old daughter. My husband has coverage through his employer and I have the option of being covered under his plan as well. However, our premium would increase by $400 a month if we add her to that plan. I am looking for an inidividual plan that will allow only her to be covered. So far I've found that the primary member must be over 18. Anyone know of a company that offers this? We can't afford the extra $400 but we wouldn't qualify for any government assistance program. She has no illness and she had tubes put in her ears a few years back, that about covers her medical history. Thanks in advance for any info!""
Does it make sense to use a local car insurance company instead of a big national one?
Does it make sense to use a local car insurance company instead of a big national one?
Please tell me the insurance companies that would take my car insurance payments through a bank standing order
Because of my credit low rating, I have been paying regularly my creditors such as phones providers, professional bodies and charities through standing orders. But the insurance companies insisted on Direct Debt or Credit cards which I cannot use as of now. Please assist in finding any car insurance company that would take a bank standing order. Thanks.""
Which state does someone have to live in for cheap car insurance?
Which state does someone have to live in for cheap car insurance?
Will i be double paying for house insurance?
I have had a 3 year personal loan on my house with a balloon payment on the end, and i am Re-financing the house to include my taxes/insurance with a conventional 30 year note. I have already paid my 2010 property Tax, and my 2011 house insurance is due March 21st. I am going to the bank today, will i actually have to pay my insurance come March 21st or is that something the bank does?""
How can i get cheaper car insurance?
How can i get cheaper car insurance?
Why is car insurance so expensive in the U.K.?
I often see U.K citizens complaining about how expensive car insurance is. I understand that many factors make up the cost of car insurance, but is there anything in particular that makes it so expensive? In the U.S. I'm rated as a single female under 25, no tickets or accidents, driving a 2010 Ford F100 pickup truck. My car insurance runs about $1600 a year (roughly 1000 GBP). Also, just curious. If I lived in England, just a close ballpark guess, what would I pay using that criteria""
Hoe much would my bike insurance cost?
Hi im 18 years old I got my motorcycle license on august 2013 and i bought a 2011 ninja 250 I was wondering how much my bike insurance would cost? I will call the insurance company in may but I want to know now how much it will cost please answer if you know thenx :)
Cheapest car for a 17 year old girl?
What's the cheapest car to buy and on insurance for a new driver of 17? I've been told an old car with small engine but that's coming out 4,000 on insurance surely that isn't right?""
Insurance quotes and maintenance cost for these cars?
1.Audi rs4 2.audi a8 3.audi r8 4.ferrari 458 italia 5.lamborghini aventador provide legit answers and not bullshit such as if you can afford it why you ask and so on
Does a ticket for not wearing a seatbelt increase auto insurance?
I am 18 years old. I have had my license for almost 2 years, and I have never gotten a ticket-until last Sunday. I was one of 4 people sitting across 3 rear seats in a car without our seat belts on. I live in CA and I have AAA insurance. Does anyone know how much this ticket is likely to cost and whether or not I will receive a point on my license? And most importantly if the rates will go up?""
Car insurance: how to save if i have 2 cars?
i am with AAA and been with them for 5 years, full coverage on my honda civic 2004. i bought a new miata 2011 convertible the other night. how do i save on my car insurance now that i have 2 cars? i am very happy with my new car and so with my old honda. just want to save on my insurance. thanks!""
Can i have two different Auto Insurance policies?
I have two different cars can i have two different policies on each vehicle in the state of kentucky?
Insurance on a 2007-2009 Honda Civic SI coupe?
I am 18 years old and I have had my license for just over a year with a clean record (no tickets, crash, etc.), I was wondering how much full coverage insurance would be on 2007-2009 Honda Civic Si coupe, the insurance will be under my father as primary and me as either secondary or occasional, my father has a clean 15 year driving record. How much will insurance be monthly?""
Are VW Beetles cheap or expensive to insure?
I've been looking into getting a car (I'm 25, female and it will be my first car) and I'm really loving VW Beetles. I'm leaning more towards getting an old one (say around 1970), maybe the convertible version, if I can find one. Either I would restore it myself or buy it already restored... it depends what I can find. On one hand it would be fun to restore it myself and I'd learn a lot, but on the other hand it could become quite costly. I'm just wondering whether or not they are cheap or expensive to insure? I'm thinking they would be fairly cheap? The reason the beetle appeals to me is it's very cute and also they get great gas mileage. I only really drive to and from work, which is about 20 - 30 mins each way. I don't drive long distances. Any info you can give me about beetles, I appreciate it :-) Thank you! (I want a red one!)""
rhode island flood insurance rate map
rhode island flood insurance rate map
What are the ins and outs of buying/owning a classic car?
I have been considering purchasing an older car for about a year. I've done a little research during that time and narrowed down what I want. Last week, I found a car that I really like, a '62 Lincoln. However, I have some concerns about having a car like this and wanting to get some feedback from someone with the knowledge/experience/wisdom in this area. Firstly, I am not rich and getting this car would mean borrowing money. My intent was to sell my current car once I have this car to cover most of the cost of the classic. Would that be a mistake? My current car is paid off, so money-wise it would be a question of insurance costs and taxes/tags every year (if I were to keep my current car). Second, the car I'm looking at is pretty authentic, meaning it has almost all its original parts and accessories. Would it be a mistake to modify it? I mean, repainting it (down the road), having the upholstery redone, installing a current radio and speakers, putting on modern-style tires, etc. Will this change its value negatively? I do like the car as it is, but I'd really like to put modern-style tires on it and put in a modern stereo, at least. Repainting and such would be probably 5+ years down the road, if I decided to do this. Probably, I'd want to reupholster the seats before painting it. And, since I am not rich nor a moneyed individual, I don't have a storage place to park it at my place. I mean, I have a garage, but my house is old, the garage is narrow, and I use it as my workshop. If I were to park the car in it, that would be I'd have to pack up my workshop and remove the shelves to make it fit. Do I need to keep it in a garage? Would that be smart? Does it matter since it's intended to be my primary vehicle? I can't think of anything else to ask at the moment, so if you have any other advice or insights, I'd certainly appreciate them!""
18 year old motorcycle insurance Toronto Canada?
Hi, I am 18 years old, I passed my M1 2 days ago and i have no driving record. My motorcycle is a hyosung gt250 (250cc) and I am looking for insurance. However I'm having the hardest time finding anyone to insure me. So my question is does anyone know an insurance company that will insure an 18 year old with no driving record, no safety course (I've been riding motorcycles (dirt bikes) ever since i was 8 so i don't need it) and an M1 licence? thanks Location: Toronto Ontario""
""Rover car 1996 and 1989ford transit van, one insurance?""
how much for comprehensive 1years Insurance for 40year's no claims, now aged 66years old.""
How cheap can you get car insurance for if you teach drivers ed?
I'm going to school for Health and Physical Education, definitely thinking about minoring in Drivers Ed. to add a little something extra to my resume. The course seems easy enough and I'll be able to make money during the summer while my other teacher friends are painting houses. I'm curious how much of a deduction on car insurance these guys get. Anyone know?""
How much will 4 points cost me in auto insurance in New Jersey?
I have State Farm Insurance, Comp and Collision, New Vehicle in New Jersey""
Best place for car insurance? (uk)?
I passed my driving test a couple of days ago and i need to insure my car. I realise the insurance is going to be 'through the roof', but can anybody reccomend places worth trying where i might get the best quote? thankoooooou""
Lower insurance for young driver?
so i know when you are under your parents it isn't as high i know people paying 50 dollars a month or something like that my situation though i just turned 21 im in need of a car but im the only driver in my family (single mom never got her license) i know that one-way coverage is about 300 something a month but if i finance a car i need full coverage which the price is crazy expensive something like 800-1100 a month is there anyway i can get lower insurance rate or something of the sort ?
Can I sue Insurance company for not insuring my husband as agreed on the phone?
I didn't receive the policy and my husband drove unknowingly uninsured as a named driver. The police stopped him and took the car. Could I claim breach of contract? How much compensation would I get? What kind of solicitors should I contact - no win no fee type preferably....
How much is the average costs for running a 125cc motorbike/Moped?
i.e. average insurance/ MOT/ fuel consumption as a provisional Motorcycle license but full driving license. I need this to somewhat give me a idea of commuting benefits of biking to work from zone 4 - 1 London. Thanks in advance
Motorcycle insurance quote?
can you get a quote without entering a social security number? i dont want to give it out
What is the approximate cost of car insurance in Germany? Is it possible to get insurance for only one month?
#NAME?
Can group health insurance deny for Pre existing?
I'm on my moms insurance and she's moving jobs and her new insurance is going to be group coverage blue cross, can group coverage deny you coverage for Pre existing or only private? Why's the difference between group and private? Thanks!""
Where can i get fish tank insurance?
My landlord wants me to get a liability insurance for my fish tank. What can I do? Thanks
What is the best car insurance company for a first time driver?
What is the best car insurance company for a first time driver?
How do I know what value to put on my home insurance?
I have a flat in London that I want to insure. The flat is 64 metres squared and is 100 years old. The market value is about 200,000 to 210,000. A similar flat, in my town, in the North is valued at about 100 000 One would assume that the insurable value would be less for than the market value in London. My question is for what value should I insure the flat in London?""
First car?? very cheap budget wear and what should i be looking to purchase?
ok im in uk got a budget of around 500 max im 17 so insurance will be bowt 1k third party what ever car i get i need simple ideas on a how to get a small cheap first car if you know anything about insurance then i want it cheap and yes i am short of cash as u may have gatherd also what good sound systems should i look to get once ive paid for everything thats what ill be saving for next....
How do insurance companies classify sports cars?
I plan on buying a scion tc, but I want to know if state farm considers this a sports car. and if so, how much will more will insurance cost? I am a teenager, so i know it will be high to begin with, but will having a sports car make it much higher?""
What's a good auto insurance company that has a good rating?
I have four cars.... no tickets or claims in years.. I have insurance now, but I think I am paying too much. Only one of them is driven on a daily basis..... the others very infrequently.""
Do you know of any affordable dentist in San Diego?
We have no insurance and my gf is having a toothache and a cracked tooth. We checked out one Vietnamese dentist and he wanted almost 2000 dollars. My God! That is a lot of money. So, if you know any affordable dentist any where, please let me know. We'll be paying cash. I suggested Tijuana, but she's afraid of going there. Thank you in advance.""
Any good dental insurance?
We live in the awesome country of America, oh wait, healthcare here sucks, so we need insurance. My family and I need some type of dental and health insurance, any good ones?""
I've just bought a car and am going to drive it home. Can I get done for driving without insurance?
I was wondering if it would be an offence to drive a car without insurance after buying it as I will sort out all the insurance stuff once I get home.
Will court ask for insurance with guilty plea?
My fiancee just got a ticket. She just recently lost her insurance so she had none at the time she was pulled over. If she goes into court and pleads guilty will the court check to see if she had insurance or not? I live in California.
Who is the best auto insurance agency?
Currently have USAA, but it seems that they just charge for the general population rather than going into more personal charges. Since they are not locally based in NV, they charge for all the other boneheads out here rather than my own driving record.""
What percent of damage will Infinity Insurance total a car in california?
according to kelly blue book, car is valued at 15,660 for private party sale damages came out to 8,566 that is about 54% in damages i dont want to drive a car that is this damaged, because it wont be as safe, even after repair. if its not quite at their totaling percentage, is there a way i can insist or push the insurance into totaling the car? and would the fact that Infinity is a real cheap insurance effect their percentage to total?""
How much does the insurance usually go up on a 2door car?
How much does the insurance usually go up on a 2door car?
rhode island flood insurance rate map
rhode island flood insurance rate map
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/gadget-insurance-quote-danielle-elmers/"
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nightandstarlight · 6 years
Text
its been so long i dont even remember how to blog apparently but i really got tired of me complaining about stuff like not tired but annoyed at myself bc i was literally always whining lmao so i kinda needed a break i guess but i really wanna try writing things down regularly again
anyway last year i made plans with a couple classmates to study together bc even tho its something that makes me extremely anxious i still want to force myself to keep trying cause for some reason lately i literally dont study unless there’s someone with me so spending all day every day alone doesnt work anymore and fortunately they offered if i wanted to study with them so i just said yes and hoped for the best 
well this week was the first time i met one of them (btw i think ive mentioned having a crush on this guy at some point i dont think i said much about him cause there isnt a lot to tell tbh were mostly around the same people and he looks cute and he almost started a physical fight with one of the firsts ‘friends’ ive had here but he still looked cute and no other incidents happened so its fine i guess lmao) and i have to say i think i love him in the most platonic way possible and also i love that he started refering to me casually as ‘amiga’ (buddy pal dude whatever equivalent that would be in english) like he started calling me that a few days after he asked me if i wanted to study with him and now he says it all the time and today when i went to his place (he came to my place once on monday and today i went to his to make it even or smth lmao ) he introduced me to his parents and his sister as his friend and btw he has a girlfriend and he talks her often so i kinda feel friendzoned in the best way possible?????? 
and like i have a lot of not so positive feelings about people who go around calling literally anyone amiga/o because to me (as a person who feels like they have probably one and a half friends if that) that the word kinda loses its meaning and becomes more of a nickname almost (also pls dont ask me what i think friendship means because ive come to realize i have no idea also now  i kinda think having a loose enough definition that allows you to feel like the world is your friend seems like a way happier experience to me, cant relate tho) like basically the fact that he refers to me as his friend doesnt really mean much but tbh i really want it to work cause besides that one almost fight in 2015 i dont think theres anything about him that makes me like uneasy and/or doubt him and his intentions if anything he lowkey knows how to help me feel more calm and welcomed and god i dont wanna sound like i think hes perfect or anything bc tbh i dont even know him that much but he really seems like a great friend material lmao i dont even think we have anything in common besides uni but tbh being around him feels so nice that i dont even mind 
wait it just occurred to me, a more simple way to describe it would like tbh i tend to feel out of place like almost all the time but so far it hasnt been like that while i was with him and even though im still me, anxious mess me hes so reassuring like vocally reassuring that i feel silly for worrying and apologizing so much but not in like ‘oh now im worrying and apologizing too much’ kinda way but more in like a ‘my brain is starting to understand that its safe and im safe and he likes me and we’re having fun while studying and making progress so worrying isnt as important rn’ so (and i hate saying this bc of its implications im sorry) i think feel pretty normal and i like it and i want to feel like that more often 
i could probably go on but this is getting ridiculous lmao after everything i just wrote all i know is that my metaphorical dick is so hard for a guy ive spent two days with how in the worm is this not going to end terribly? i dont have a clue tbh but boy i sure hope i dont fuck it up
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Text
Me tho
When I’m confused, I write. And Ill just say, the last four months of my life have been the most confusing yet. I don’t know why exactly I’m writing you. I discovered in the tiny English section of my neighborhood library, only the Harry Potter series, wonder ( Ive read it 3 times now) and 2 of your books. I read them both in a week. I don’t know why I wrote you. I probably would have written a favorite musician of mine ( z.B John Darnielle or Sam Beam) but I am honestly just to scared to. Don’t take this the wrong way, because your books are great and I think you’re a cool person, but I just felt like you were more aproachable. I don’t really care what you think about me, ( although then again, I’m not really supposed to care what anyone thinks about me, now am I?) and when I read in your book about one of the charecters listening to The Mountain Goats, I felt like I had a connection with you ( even though there is probably like 800,000 TMG fans ). Also, side note, when I first picked up one of your books, when I was younger, like 8, I thought you ( the author of the book) were John Darielle because my dad said he wrote a book too, and your picture looked kinda similar to what I imagined JD would look like ( isn’t it funny how we picture what singers and authors look like based on their work? Or maybe its just me that does that). Anywho, I needed to write down all my thoughts and I though you were as good a person as anyone ( that phrase feels strange to write, like its grammatically incorrect or something, and maybe it is my English is a tiny bit rusty) to bear my soul to. I would have preferred to write a letter because I have been reading way to much of my boy JD ( Salinger, oh gosh that was cringe I hope I don’t actually send this), but I guess ill save the trees cause I didn’t want to ask google what your adresse is, cause that feels creepy. Me on your books and such- I read The Fault In Our Stars when I was what, 11? Good writing, but I’m not really a romance girl. But I really do dig your writing style, and just your references  ( z.B The Mountain Goats, random German words).  Alright, I guess I should start with the sitch. Im currently going to a school where I understand about 40 percent of whats happening ( its auf Deutsch). Im thirteen, and this was self inflicted. I currently live with my aunt. I miss my family. I miss California. I miss English. But thats fine, I’m figuring it out and there is one nice girl, and I like the challenge. The real issue is my exisential crisis I’m going through. I guess Ill best demonstrate by quoting something I wrote while watching the sun set from my favorite spot in my town ( oh gosh I sound like such an insufferable academic who thinks every word out of their mouth it pure poetry. I feel like the exact kind of person Franny hated ( Franny from Franny and Zooey JD Salinger) „ I hope my dying speech is mundane. A truth, true testament to the days where the boring collect ( Reference to New York I Love You But Your Bringing Me Down, by LCD soundsystem) I hope when the last breath leaves me, I mumble „  oh what a wonder, oh what a waste“ ( Reference to Avant Gardener by Courtney Barnett). I hope the words I spin stand idly, unused. I hope my books burn to the ground, till they are nothing but ashes of letters and lies, not leaving any solid thing standing. I hope the music they play on my death bed is soft and silly. I hope it has no climax, just an end. I wish I could sit on this bench and think of nothing at all, besides the dusky sky and the biting cold. I hope all grand romantic gestures are put on hold, till the plain nothing suffices to bring tears to our cursed smote filled eyes. I hope in my trail, testament, and plead, I have nothing other to say then „Es tut mir leid“ I hope I have on more lesson to be learned.  I hope my words die on my lips, the tales go silent in my head. I hope n my dying speech, I have nothing at all to say“. Im just unsure, confusedAbout how there can be so many people, ideas and opinions on this earth. Confused why we don’t have all the answers. Confused about my existence. I feel like you are a safe person, not close to me, but not so far either, to just pour out my soul to ( sorry if your not religious cause I’m mormon ( this might sound like an oxymoron, but I also 100% support the LGBTQ+ community, and I disagree completely with the mormon church on that point) and I believe, or at least some times I believe, that God exists). When I moved here , I thought there would be like this giant difference, like my life would be changed, but it wasn’t. It has been weirdly the same. I thought that because I had never been through a life changing experience, that there are such things, just based on circumstance alone, but know I think that us humans are pretty much the same no matter who we are, where we live, or our life experience. I think that what we tell ourselves becomes ourselves. I tell myself ( Im just being completely honest. I feel like I have never actually been completely honest with anyone, so id like to start here, so forgive me when I sound like an awful arrogant person right here, cause in my head, I kind of am) that I am smart, that I am a quick learner, that Im hard working, that I notice things that others don’t, that there are so many things going on in my head that no one could even start to guess about. I look down on girls that listen to Katy Perry and like Starbucks frappicinos. But deep, somewhere behind all the words I tell myself, the comforting familiar lies of my frontal continous, I know I’m wrong. I think that its so hard for us as humans to actually realize that there are other people. Oh, sure, we say we do. We are mindful ‚of other people‘ we do service, write kind letters, finish the dishes, ‚for other people‘ but do we really? Ive heard about the important time in childhood development where kids realize that there other people with feelings and thoughts just like them, but I feel like we spend our whole life learning that lesson over and over again. Also, regarding these words we tell ourselves over and over again. The things we say that our life should be, the people we are. A couple years ago in 5th grade, we learned how to write memoirs ( why fifth graders are learning how to is beyond me) and our teacher likened the first paragraph to the beginning of a show, and the last as the ending, you know the ones that sum it all up and wrap it like a nice bow, where the character learns a lesson and that is that and they’ve made their decision and it all makes sense. I think we try to do this with are lives. We look at the things we do, what happens and how we react, and we tell ourselves things based on them. We tie in a quote or two that we feel hold true to our story that we tell ourselves, and bam theres our life. But these collages of the parts of our lives, ourselves, that we like, can’t contain all of us. We can’t fit in the pages of the book we write, because we were not born of words. We were born of something so much older and more primeval. We were before words were, yet we act like words make us. In one of my favorite books of all time in the universe ever, Till We Have Faces by CS Lewis ( heres a quick summary: its the tale of cupid and psych, told by the older sisters pov. Psych is born and is a beautiful thing of perfection, and the goddess ungit ( in greek Aphrodite) is jealous of her, and therefore psych must be sacrificed/ made bride two the beast/ god of grey mountain ( in greek cupid) Oral, the protagonist, is so torn when her sister goes. She visits her sister and cannot see her castle from the god, and thus thinks she’s gone made. She convinces her sister to break the gods rules ( for oral is sure its not a god but a monster or a thief tricking the delusional girl, and that the girl is imagining a palace) and look upon his face, and is thus banished and forced to do impossible tasks. The whole book is written as a complaint against the gods, saying that if the gods could just reveal themselves plainly then none of this would ever happen.) At the end of the book, when oral is reading her complaint against the gods to the actual gods, she takes her book to read, and realizes it is not the ‚beautiful book‘ she was writing but instead a vicious rambling. And she realizes that this is her ‚ real voice‘. ( sorry the quotes are weird I’m writing this on a European computer) „When the time comes to you at which you will be forced to at last utter the speech which has lain  at the centre of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot like, been saying over and over… Till that word can be dug out of us why should they (the gods) here the bable that we think we mean? How can we meet them face to face, till we have faces?“ ( 295).  Her big revelation, her eureka moment, is that the words we build our lives around, the stories we tell and are, are nothing but a vicious confusion made by humans, because we are scared of what lies beyond words. And my question is, then, as someone who loves writing and reading and who lives on words, what is there after them? Silence and god? I am to afraid, as it is right now, to give up words. But somewhere, deep inside me, past all the words, I know the only way I will ever be able to take off the mask of words I have made to protect myself, the only way I will truly find out who any of us are, is by letting go of these stories, by telling god, I am yours for the taking, show me what you will. But for know, I am to afraid, so I guess I will just keep living the life I have written on paper. I guess Ill just keep living my paper life. Confused and thankful, Mia Call PSA playlist of my current mood. Do you know any of these guys?
Born Alone— wilco
Neighboorhood 1— arcade fire
Is there a ghost?— Band of Horses
Were going to be friends— the white stripes
Avant Gardner— Courtney barnett 
Two headed boy— Neutral milk hotel ( more like the whole album tho)
Love vigilantes— iron and wine
Hannah hunt— vampire weekend
Memory lane— Elliot smith
Thirteen— big starUp
 the wolves— mountain goats
Shut up kiss me— angel olson
That summer feeling— johnothan richman
Comes a time— Neil young
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