#this gave me so much grief but i'm pretty happy with the way this turned out

[celaenaeiln]

i mean this in the most neutral tone, but, im genuinely confused with this eldest daughter syndrome dick thing? as far as i know, he never lives in the manor with other batsiblings and personally take care of them except damian, and just "yeets" from any possible trouble or tension within the siblings or when they have issues with bruce

No worries I totally get it! And I'm here to deliver!

First, to be fair to Dick, no one lives in the manor aside from Damian and sometimes Tim.

Dick lives in Bludhaven, Steph lives in Gotham U? She's been in and out of comics but otherwise her own house. Cass lives in Leslie's clinic, Tim alternates between the Titans and the manor, Jason lives anywhere that doesn't have Bruce, and Duke lives with his uncle.

However that doesn't mean they don't all rely on him.

I think the confusion comes from scenes like this-

Batman: Urban Legends Issue #10

Where it seems like Dick just left Tim to deal with Bruce on his own. But-

Batman: Urban Legends Issue #10

Dick called him. When Tim when to him for advice, he gave him advice but also knew it couldn't just stop there. So he called Bruce to get it through his thick head that he's allowed to be happy. If there's anyone that can change Bruce's mind on anything it's Dick.

Which brings me to my next instance of Dick acting as the mediator and emotional burden lifter of his family. When each batkid dies (or almost dies in Dick's case), Bruce grieves in a different way. With Jason he took it out on criminals, with Tim he took it out on himself, with Dick he took it out on criminals and heroes, and with Damian, he wanted to undo what happened. He torments Jason about it, goes too hard on the criminals, gets worsened by Barbara, gets helped a little by Selina but also feels a billion times worse about Damian's death so-

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #23

He locks himself in a simulator for days trying to see and fix where he went from when Heretic killed Damian. Nothing gets through to him so Alfred pulls out the Big Guns - he calls in Dick.

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #23

"Richard just came in from Chicago to--"

"Talk some sense into me?"

"Yes, I've implored you to shut this...thing off and join the living, but you have turned a deaf ear for days."

"This calling in the cavalry routine is getting old, Alfred."

Since the dawn of Batman and Robin, Dick has always acted as the mediator for Bruce and the family. Always.

With Dick's help, finally, after days, Damian's saved.

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #23

And Dick finally brings Bruce back to life.

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #23

He took a destructive, dead-man-walking and breathed life and hope back into him to stop him from taking his grief and anger out on his family and criminals.

Also-

LOOK AT THE WAY THEY'RE SEATED. DICK IS LITERALLY BRUCE'S THERAPIST.

Batman and Robin (2011) Issue #23

Calling in the cavalry always works.

Of course there's times when Dick doesn't help mediate. But the issue is not that he doesn't want to or he pushes it off, it's that he can't. What the hell are you supposed to do when the mediator who mediates all your problems is themself broken?

Dick really wants to help Tim but he can't. He can't find it in himself to barely live right now because Donna-his platonic soulmate-is dead.

Teen Titans/Outsiders Secret Files

He really can't.

Teen Titans/Outsiders Secret Files

She was his sister too. Pretty much blood.

I actually think the fact that Dick doesn't live in the manor makes the fact that he still takes care of all his siblings and their problems with Bruce even more important. To calm and rationalize down Bruce and take care of his siblings, he's constantly flying or driving back and forth between different cities, dropping his cases and work, ignoring his problems, just to be there for them.

For another example, when Dick hears that the newest Batman is causing problems in Gotham and Bruce just abandoned Tim to deal with everything and Tim nearly got hurt, he comes all the way back to Gotham to rail Bruce out for doing that to him.

Robin (1993) Issue #8

When Bruce teams with Damian their relationship so tumultuous but once again Dick steps in.

Batman: The Return

"I need a partner who can stay focused and keep up."

"Bruce, come on! I made a career out of not doing anything I was told when I was Robin. He gave up everything for this. You can't just take it away...you can't cut him out."

He keeps Robin from being fired and continues being Damian's support system.

It's not just mediating though, Dick fully steps in to take care of the batfamily whenever Bruce absconds or there's trouble.

Batman and Robin Eternal Issue #24

He's like the command center of the family.

This picture just embodies his role.

Batman (2011) Issue #15

And as Bruce once said-

Batman: Urban Legends Issue #22

He's really the eldest daughter and caretaker.

#dick grayson #nightwing #bruce wayne #batman #tim drake #red robin #robin tim drake #damian wayne #robin #alfred pennyworth #batfamily #cl anon asks #thanks for the ask!

[cowgurrrl]

What Sarah Said

Pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

Author’s note: Listen, I don’t normally write babies into a happy ending but I needed this (PS I love this picture of Nico and Pedro)

Summary: “And when I turned to face grief, I saw that it was just love in a heavy coat.” - Shannon Berry aka you and Joel talk about having more kids (kind of a part two to Sweet Jane) [1.7k]

Warnings: 18+ MINORS DNI, talks of child loss (reader has lost a child), talks of pregnancy, grief, lmk if I missed anything!

You blame Maria. Of course, her well-meaning questions and Camille, ever the adorable toddler, got in your head. It started when Maria told you about her son and, in return, you told her about Jane. She started asking if you and Joel ever talked about having kids or even if you had a plan for if you did get pregnant within the QZ. You always had a plan in mind, even before you started with Joel, but you never talked about it as a couple. Then, she told you about how great her labor and delivery team was when she gave birth to Camille and how they have the equipment to care for anything wrong.

That's when she really started pushing it by talking about schools, work schedules, and even play dates. "I know Camille would love to have a little cousin around," she said. It felt foreign and wrong to be talking about having another kid. You think it would feel that way even if Jane were alive, but her absence doesn't make this any easier. She backed off when you asked her to, but she still got into your head. A million different thoughts have been floating around since you saw her earlier. Maybe that's why you ambush Joel with the question before he can even take his boots off. 

"Do you think you'd ever want to have another kid?" You ask as he sits next to you on the couch. Ellie went to bed an hour ago, and you figured now was as good a time as any. You could've approached it gentler, especially since he was on patrol all day. Joel immediately sits straight up and gives you a worried look. 

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

"No," you think for a moment, doing mental math to ensure. He waits, the anxiety rolling off of him. "No. No, I'm not. Maria just said something when I was over there that made me think." He sighs and buries his head in his hands. You laugh a little at his reaction and put a soothing hand on his back, the muscles relaxing under your touch. He takes a couple of deep breaths before taking his head out of his hands to look at you. 

"Yeah, Tommy said something, too."

"What did Tommy say?" You ask.

"He said something about Maria's doctors and then asked if we had talked about having kids," he says, and you scoff. "What did Maria say?"

"Pretty much the same thing. Even brought up how great the schools here are." 

"Sounds like we got set up," He says, and you hum in agreement. "What do you think?" 

"I don't know. I mean, this was never a possibility for us before. We never talked about it, even before we left Boston. What do you think?"

"I'm not the one who'd be carryin' a baby for nine months, so I don't think it should be my decision."

"Your feminist thought is always appreciated, but that doesn't help." You say, and he falls quiet. You know to wait him out, to let him sort through his thoughts in silence before he speaks. He glances at his broken watch, searching for pieces of her in the shattered glass, before looking at you again. 

"Sarah always talked about how much she wanted a little brother or sister, but… I don't know. I was always happy with just her."

"Jane used to say the same thing. But, my pregnancy with her was so brutal, and it may have been because I was so young when I had her, or something went wrong. I never thought I'd do it again," you say. "There's also Ellie to think about. It'd be a big adjustment for her. She already gets anxious if one of us has a cold, let alone growing a human. There's a lot that could go wrong." 

After that, you go back and forth, listing all the ways having a baby would alter your life. You wouldn't be able to go on patrol with him anymore. You'd need medicine and vitamins. All the attention would go to the new baby, and Ellie could start feeling left behind. She just got into a normal routine where she goes to a normal school and does what kids her age should do. You can't fuck that up for her. It'd be scary, emotional, and painful, and that's just the pregnancy. Having a toddler was terrifying enough before the world went to shit. How do you keep a kid that small safe in a world so big? It's obviously possible. Camille and the other kids around the commune are evidence enough.

Even as you go through everything that could go wrong, the idea of Joel being a dad again makes something deep within you soften. He's always been so gentle and natural with Camille, even though it's been decades since he's dealt with a kid that small. He sits at the kitchen table every night to help Ellie with her homework, walking her through math problems like it's second nature, even though you can tell he doesn't understand either. He packs her lunch, walks her to school, and doesn't even blink when she walks down wearing one of his shirts. Domesticity looks good on Joel Miller. He's all relaxed shoulders and big smiles. The nightmares still linger in the shadows of both of your minds, but they're manageable.

That's what so much of your lives have been—manageable. "It sucks, but we'll manage" was your motto for much of your life before Ellie and Joel. You said it to Jane more often than not as a reminder that things could be better, but you were also trying really hard to make life easy for her. You said it to Joel when you started doing drops together. Then, you said it to Ellie when trying to get across the country with her. But now, possibly for the first time ever, it feels like you're doing much more than managing. The thought wiggles through your brain until it sits front and center, a bright, shining "Maybe."

"What?" He asks, breaking you out of your reverie. You shake your head, but he nudges you with his leg.

"It's stupid."

"Humor me."

"I just imagined a little you running around. That's all." You say, and he smiles. It's giddy and touches the corners of his eyes. You have to look away before you get sucked in.

"I thought we were just talking about all the reasons not to have a baby."

"We were. It was just… quick. Something fun to think about." 

"Tell me about it," He urges, moving closer to you. You sigh as you reach out and push the hair out of his eyes. "Boy or girl?"

"Girl. We both had girls, so I think it'd be a long shot if we had a boy."

"What were you imaginin’?" 

"I imagined a little girl with big curls and your nose running around with Ellie. Playing in the snow and learning how to ride horses and driving us fucking crazy. She'd be a troublemaker, and Ellie would love her for it," you say, his smile only getting brighter as you talk. "I'd go out on patrol, and you'd stay home with our girls because even though you're big and scary, you secretly love playing stupid games with them. You'd sing songs to the baby because she couldn't sleep without them, and you'd spoil her half to death. Ellie'd read the baby books about space, and when I come home, we’d cook dinner together and eat as a family, and we’d live an ordinary, unremarkable life in Jackson." 

"Ordinary is good. I could live with ordinary."

"It's a nice thought."

"Yeah," Joel says, nodding. You feel like crying, but you're not sure why. How could you cry over something that's not even real? 

"Is it bad that I want all that again?" You ask quietly, like you're afraid if you say it too loud, the universe will take everything away from you. Joel's jaw works as he thinks before he grabs your hand. 

"No, it's not because I want it, too." He says. You take a deep breath and nod, looking down at your joined hands.

"What do you think our girls would have to say about all this?"

"I think they'd be jumping up and down and screaming about how excited they'd be," he says. "I think they're doing that wherever they are."

"Me too," you say. Something heavy and dark and familiar weighs down that golden ball of hope still sitting in your chest. It aches as nothing else does, pulling the breath from you swiftly and mercilessly. Like a bomb leveling an entire block and everyone there. Like a stray gunshot hitting the wrong person. Like celebrating a birthday every year but never watching your child grow. "I wish they were here." You admit. Joel brings your hand to his lips and kisses it. His watery eyes match yours.

"Me too." He says. There's an unspoken addition to his sentence. Something about how they are still here because they were a part of each of you, perhaps your best parts, and they live on in you. You keep living because of that and because they loved you and wanted you to live even if they couldn't be around to see it. That might be the only solace when you lose a child.

"Are we crazy?" 

"Maybe."

"Are we gonna try to have a baby?" You ask, and a smile overtakes his features. 

"I thought that's what our whole conversation was just about." He says, and you roll your eyes before climbing onto his lap. It's a position you've been in far too many times, and you justify it by getting to be close to him, but really he's just pretty to look at sometimes. His hands rest on your waist as you settle, both of you still smiling like idiots.

"I want to hear you say it." 

"Mrs. Miller," he starts. "I want to have a baby with you because I love you, and I want a million little yous running around our house." He punctuates his sentence by leaning into you and kissing your neck. 

"A million?" You ask, tangling your hands in his hair. He hums against your skin.

"A million."

"Can we compromise for one?"

"I can be persuaded."

🍓

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taglist: @evyiione @nyotamalfoy @abbyhaslongshorts​

#the last of us #joel and ellie #joel miller #joel miller fic #joel miller x reader #the last of us x reader #joel tlou #joel miller the last of us #joel miller x female reader #joel miller fluff #he’s so girldad your honor #domestic joel miller #he’s so soft #look for the light

[otdiaftg]

The Raven King - Chapter Seven

Day: Thursday, October 5th Time: 11:00 AM EST

"Andrew hates her, you know. Andrew's not really big on the idea of Aaron's happiness, see? So if Aaron likes Katelyn, Andrew doesn't want him to have her. Andrew might smile awful bright but he is a master of childish spite." "That doesn't make sense," Neil said. "It's complicated," Nicky said, rubbing the back of his neck as he leaned back in his chair. "I didn't really get into the gritty details last time because those aren't really Dan and Matt's business, but you're family, so I can tell you." He looked over his shoulder again. "I told you Aunt Tilda gave Andrew up, right? That's only half of it. Truth is she put both of them in the system at first. One week later she changed her mind."

"They know she gave them both up?" Neil asked. "When Andrew's foster mother called to set up that meet-and-greet, she asked Aunt Tilda how only one of them ended up in the system. Aunt Tilda told her, and Aaron heard it on the upstairs line." Nicky gestured up as if indicating Tilda's bedroom. "I don't know why the hell Andrew's foster family told him, but yeah, he knows. I'm thinking that's why he wouldn't talk to Aaron when Aaron wrote to him. He was—justifiably, I think—pissed off." "But it's not Aaron's fault," Neil said. "It was their mother's decision." "That's Andrew for you: making sense since never." Nicky spread his hands in a helpless gesture. "Finding Andrew again was a turning point for Aaron in all the worst ways. Aunt Tilda moved them cross-country, started drinking more than ever, and got heavy-handed with Aaron. Aaron got into all kinds of trouble in some sort of traumatized rebellion. He took her drugs and got into fights at school and in general grew up to be a bit of an asshole. Mom wrote me about it when I was in Germany because she was worried about him. The only good thing Aaron did in South Carolina was play Exy, and he only picked that up so games would get him out of Aunt Tilda's house. Then Dad found out about Andrew and began this years-long campaign to bring Andrew home. Told you last time, right? He wore Aunt Tilda down until she agreed to take Andrew in, then talked to the courts and Children's Services and Andrew's last foster family. He met Andrew, who apparently wasn't at all interested in a triumphant return with his mother, and introduced Aaron to Andrew. That's when things started moving. Andrew suddenly got motivated. He started behaving and toeing the line and got released on early parole about a year later." "Andrew decided he wanted a brother after all," Neil said. "So what went wrong?" "Aunt Tilda died, and Aaron blames Andrew." "Did Andrew do it?" "The night Aunt Tilda died, she and Aaron got in a fight. That's how Mom and Dad finally found out Aunt Tilda was beating on Aaron. He showed up at their place with fresh bruises and cuts. Dad called Aunt Tilda over to sort things out, but she didn't stick around long. She took Aaron and left. They didn't make it home. She went over the median into oncoming traffic and wasn't wearing her seatbelt.... It wasn't Aaron in the car. Aaron was standing in for Andrew at a study session. That was before Andrew was on his drugs, so it was a pretty easy act for Aaron to pull off. He didn't know why Andrew asked him to do it until the police called. I still don't know what happened, if Aunt Tilda panicked when she realized which son was with her or if they were fighting or if it was intentional, but... It's not like Aaron liked her, but she was his mother, you know? And Aaron never got to fix things with her, never got to understand why she was so messed up or why she messed them up so bad. Aaron can't accept that she's gone. He misses her. He can't forgive Andrew, and Andrew doesn't understand or care about how much it hurt Aaron. Stalemate."

He spoke slowly, giving himself time to think and to bleach the grief from his voice. "Andrew did care. That's what went wrong."

Art used with permission by Aymmidumps. Thank you @aymmidumps!

#aftg #all for the game #neil josten #trk #the raven king #the foxhole court #andrew minyard #palmetto state university #psu foxes #andreil #on this day in aftg #otdiaftg #palmetto state foxes #otdi all for the game #nora sakavic #the foxes #on this day in all for the game #kevin day #nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #coach wymack #betsy dobson #abby winfield #matt boyd #dan wilds #renee walker #allison reynolds #artists #aymmidumps

[glassprism]

Opinion on chumisa? She’s gorgeous but haven’t heard much of her

So, keeping in mind that I tend to just skim over reviews and I don't really get hyped over actors a lot...

I really liked her. Like, she was very, very good.

And it's pretty incredible considering the video I have of her that she's only barely started the role, but there we are: Chumisa Dornford-May feels like she came into the production already having a good idea of exactly how she wanted to play Christine and how she wanted to act certain scenes and string it all together to show her character's arc, and she went and did it. Now all that's left is for her to refine it.

Some highlights: from the get-go I loved how she played 'Think of Me'; I think it's very tempting to go the happy, joyful route a la Gina Beck, and I like that interpretation! But she acted the song in a way that was more appropriate to the lyrics she was singing, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes wistful, sometimes distant and grieving. It gave me a great sense of Christine as not only a good singer but a good performer too.

In terms of whether she was a Phantom or Raoul girlie, I'd honestly say neither, though if pushed I'd say she maybe leans a little more towards Raoul. Her Christine in the lair scenes was not necessarily afraid or angry at the Phantom, but she did feel rather resistant to him, especially compared to some of the other Christines in the role right now (e.g. Lily Kerhoas and Colleen Rose Curran). There were moment where she would melt a little, seemingly going, "Oh, this is kind of nice", but much of the time, she appeared more wary than anything else, unsure of what the Phantom was up to.

I also say she's not quite a Raoul girlie because she acts similarly in the rooftop scenes. In particular, her 'Why Have You Brought Me Here' was played like she was trying very hard to convince Raoul of what she saw and was angered that he kept trying to calm her down rather than actually attempting to understand her. Her Christine doesn't just want to tell Raoul what's going on, she wants him to believe her. She was also noticeably less giggly than other Christines during 'All I Ask of You', at least in this performance, and I liked how it kind of flips the dynamic between them: whereas earlier it was Christine trying to convince Raoul, now he has to be the one to convince her that all is goodness and light, and I'm not fully sure she bought into it.

What else? Oh, in 'Twisted Every Way', she did something that I first saw Yang Chen Xiuyi do in the Chinese production, which was to turn very hopefully towards Raoul when he says, "Christine, Christine, don't think that I don't care..." It's like she thinks, or wants to think, that Raoul is going to back down and call off his plan, which makes it all the more devastating when he doesn't.

And finally, by 'Point of No Return' and 'Final Lair', her Christine had definitely reached her limit with the Phantom. I really enjoyed how you can see Christine working out that it's the Phantom onstage with her during 'Point of No Return', slowly drawing out her phrases as the wheels in her head spin and then committing to continuing the show to catch him. (Never mind about the stuff after.) She delivered a truly contemptuous, "Please, Raoul, it's useless" in the 'Final Lair', and I think she gave a truly angry kiss to the Phantom. It felt very similar, interestingly, to her dynamic with Raoul on the rooftop; she seemed to be using the kiss to desperately try to convince the Phantom away from his current path (using the power of making out to stop the cycle of abuse and trauma!). Such was the quality of the video that I'm pretty sure I saw tears on her face during the kiss, and Chumisa Dornford-May played it, I feel, like it was due to the overwhelming catharsis of emotions she was experiencing: anger, grief, betrayal, terror, all of it being released into this one grand moment.

The only flaws I really noticed had to do with her singing. Most reviews have pointed out she belts some of the score; I didn't notice it too much, but I definitely heard it during 'Wishing'. It wasn't the worst place to belt - she did it during the last stanza, where Christine is usually singing pretty loudly anyway, likely to add volume to her singing - and I didn't mind it too much, but it was jarring. There were also a few parts where her voice was a little quiet, and small scenes where Christine was not the focal point but she could done a little more in her acting, or just paused and let the scene "breathe" a little (which, in fairness, is something most actors new to a role will do, rush through the show).

But honestly, those were minor nitpicks in what was otherwise a really great performance. And this is her early in her run? I can only imagine what she'll be like with a few more months under her belt!

#GP gets asks #anonymous #GP reviews

[hms-tardimpala]

Ficbinding: Matryoshka Dolls

I got out of my reading slump long enough to read Matryoshka Dolls by Applecrumbledore, and I enjoyed it so much I bound it.

The fic: Supernatural, Dean/John, rated E, 24k I don't read a lot of Dean/John, but this fic was an excellent surprise. Its tough subject is very well-handled. Sam has a place in it too, and it explores grief and guilt really well. Also it's hot (I can't find the scenes between Dean and John titillating, but there are others).

The bind: I try to match the story's tone with the materials and colors I use. I almost bound this in black pleather on account of how dark it is, but at the last moment I chose brown, as a callback to John's leather jacket. I used green for the headbands and bookmark to mimic Dean's eyes. That way, the color representing John surrounds the one representing Dean, to call to mind John's control over his son.

The jacket in question is worn by Dean in early seasons, it was John's and he gave it to him (and even at 26 it looks too big on him 🥺). You can see it in this happy family photo:

What I like about this one:

The typesetting: it's quite sober (to fit the story), but I spent some time on it. I downloaded 20+ fonts before I settled on one. The Impala looks hella good. The drop caps are nice: they're frames instead of decorations, which is neat when the two characters in your story are deadlocked in a situation they love/hate and can't escape. It's also why I chose two parallel lines to highlight the years breaks. They're not much, but they felt more fitting than a single decoration.

The trim: I'm slowly taming my guillotine. This is the first project I used pieces of board as "cushions" when trimming the text block, so it's even despite the sewn spine being thicker, and it worked a treat! Sure, I'll have more grey board waste, but I was so fed up with uneven cuts and warped textblocks that I was about to sell my guillotine and give up on trimming. Look at this beauty. The edges are so smooth, even after rounding the spine.

The margins: they're perfect. I didn't cut too much or not enough.

The rounded spine: that's really my thing. I'm always disappointed when I do a straight spine, it makes the book look boxy, so I'm honing my craft on round spines. This one turned out great.

What I like less:

The cover material: it's not the first time this comes up in this section, because this material is from my stock of too-thick pleather that's not made for bookbinding. It made the corners too thick, but otherwise it behaved well. I can't afford not to use this material I already have, so I knew what to expect and I don't regret choosing it for this project. It's fine.

The endpapers: they're pretty enough by themselves, but I couldn't find ones that truly fit the story or would add meaning. Truth is, I have a very hard time finding endpapers. If someone knows of a site to buy some (accessible from France and not crazy expensive), I take suggestions.

Characteristics: Fonts: The Blackmore (title), Act of Rejection (author name), ZT Gatha semibold (text) Materials: fake leather, 80g/m² copy paper, pre-made headband and synthetic ribbon.

Feel free to ask me more about materials and fonts, it won’t bother me at all to tell you what I used, but I’m too lazy rn to write it in this post that’s long enough already.

#deanjohn readers: go read Matryoshka Dolls if you haven't already it's amazing #bookbinding #ficbinding #my bookbinding #spn #I'll never stop taking pictures at the window over my neighbor's courtyard btw that's where I get the most light

[rou-luxe]

THEORIES

babe wake up tragic yaoi dropped *THIS ACCOUNT DOES NOT USUALLY POST ALNST FANTHEORIES. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE. theories / commentary / spoilers under the cut

I don't know 100% ALNST lore... most of this is speculation I think some people have commented on this already but apparently the one in the couple who wears white dies (Sua, Ivan) Following this pattern, Hyuna x Luka's relationship is complicated but if we go by that Luka is dying next round... But the next round is Till vs Luka, which would be different from the pattern (Sua vs Mizi, Ivan vs Till)... so maybe to complete the pattern Hyuna puts herself in instead of Till. mom pick me up I'm scared On top of that, Ivan wore black before, but switched to white. Does this have to do with something... (Was Till supposed to die instead...) Luka and Hyuna evidently have VERY different singing styles though so that would be interesting def Also the characters look older (not only the haircut man... they're taller) so I wonder... how much time has passed in ALNST??? and is it proportional to irl time (probably not) Not sure about the other videos I need to check but this time there are human spectators amongst the aliens in the crowd for the first time??? is alnst so powerful that they want to watch the showdown too??? Till sounds like he's about to break poor bb Till's lyrics in the beginning start off hopeless, asking someone to hurt him. To dissolve and drown in someone, to become one with them. Definitely Mizi. When Till's master shoves his face towards the newspaper, he's probably telling him to snap out of it, sing properly and let go of Mizi??? Then Till gets his ahh beat and he reaches for Mizi, his one hope in the darkness "Icy lips" - he already thinks Mizi is dead??? Ivan's eyes look empty. interruption from mizisua sponsor /j Even though the MIZISUA video is more of a backstory video, it also suits Round 1. I think it might suit Ivantill as well hold on When Mizi and Sua found each other (refer to MIZISUA video), Sua has lost hope already, but Mizi's love gives her some hope in the dark. Then they are torn apart, but still want to be together. The one who lives (Mizi) is in grief. Ivan's empty eyes look like he has lost hope, just like Sua. Till gave him a reason to keep going (see: Black Sorrow, their relationship shown in Cure <- this video)

Back to the video Till laying there by himself, Ivan moves the (muzzle?) restriction, maybe to help him breathe Ivan's verse reflects Till's but it's different in multiple ways "Cold words" - Referring to Till? (well... till has always been naturally sassy...) Similar to Till's statement in the first part, Ivan is saying that Till can break him apart and build him back again (mend) I guess they fought and became friends 💀 "I'll drown in you" as well. Till would sacrifice himself for Mizi, Ivan would sacrifice himself for Till (CRIES) Ivan feels "seen" by Till, Till wants to dissolve in Mizi's gaze Why does he reach for the back of Till's neck? Till unawares (sleeping)? Are the two somewhat related? Ivan reaches for Till (love) but Till unaware (once again 💀) Consume me + licking the blood from Till's wound. they really want to become one person don't they 2:46 Ivan turns away from the camera is he giving Till a kiss on the cheek or is he whispering something to Till in his sleep we'll never know

"We shall dance", with "our story". TOGETHER. THEY WANT TO BE TOGET- *gets shot* PLEASE LET THEM BE YAOI AGGHGH everlasting memory this moment will last forever THE KISS SCENE I WAS SO HAPPY AT FIRST AND THEN WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I rewatched this video too many times the animation just too pretty man 😭 Till pushes him away I noticed this in a lot of promo arts and stuff because yk Mizi

okay back to the video Ivan's expression when he chokes Till kind of looks like him looking down at the camera like he did at the end of Black Sorrow am I reading too into this Till gives up. He doesn't even fight the choking. Normally this would be uncharacteristic but yk Mizi 😭😭 I'm confused how Ivan gets hit??? I think it's bullets but who knows maybe the rain is possessed or maybe Ivan did it himself Like in Till's song (it's been confirmed by the creators that Till killed his enemy to win apparently), if the enemy is killed then you win. Ivan sacrificed himself so Till could win, so Till could live There was also a theory I read that Luka was pissing off Mizi so she would fight back, so she would continue living BUT LUKA IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY THIS ISN'T ABOUT LUKA WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IVANTILL At the end of MIZISUA video, Mizi wakes up crying in the rain. Till stands in the rain staring at Ivan's corpse (but we don't see the body) The light is focused on Ivan, not Till. The light of Ivan's life has been snuffed out, but it also leaves Till in darkness I was expecting Till to make some sort of movement once the lights turned off but nope omg Luka vs Till... Till is gonna kill his ahh for disrespecting Mizi 💀 THE OTHER YAOI DUO!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HYUNA BRO IS MAMA GONNA DIE WHO INTRUDED imagine if the intruder was luka that would be so funny also there is a heavy heartbeat motif in the kick drums for the song omg there is no heartbeat during the music when - Kid Ivan stares deadly at the camera (it stops there) - Ivan enters stage - They build the heartbeat motif again slowly during the backstory part - back to life. Starts with a single kick then double - Ivan is falling insert ivantill my god my universe memes again, Till is literally Ivan's reason for living

thank you for reading my nonsense ramblings it's 3:30 am Ivantill is worth staying up any day THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD I am CRYING 🔥🔥 WE COPE GOOD NIGHT might draw ivantill fanart... doubt I have time though

#alnst till #alnst ivan #Youtube #alien stage #theories #ivantill #alnst

[modelbus]

o3o May I request c!Tommy x protective!reader who uses she/they pronouns? (Platonic, please!)

Reader arrives at the same time as Eryn and finds out how badly Tommy has been treated for the past few years, decides that she's going to make sure he doesn't have to go through that again. - 🍜

My first C!Tommy writing! You'll have to tell me if it's horrible and if I should give up on writing C!Tommy :D I did some digging on the timeline and Eryn joined before Dream's escape, so keep that in mind.

Pairing: C!Tommy x She/They!Reader (platonic)

Just a Kid

Most people told you to leave Tommy alone.

You had seen him around a few times, building random towers and collecting materials. He never seemed very happy about whatever he was doing though.

Before joining, you had only heard rumors about everyone. Technoblade, the ruthless warrior. Philza, the man who survived hardcore and earned wings. Tommyinnit, the kid who was so full of energy that it was infectious. If those rumors were true, then Tommy had changed. Gone was a kid full of energy, replaced by an empty shell of a person.

In a way, it was scarier than anything you've ever seen. What makes a person look like that? He would check over his shoulder, a white-knuckled grip on his sword. Always gripping a sword. His clothes were constantly dirty, and his eyes were practically gray. Under his eyes were eyebags that were miles deep, a dark purple against his pale skin tone.

"What happened to Tommy?" You decide to ask Ranboo. Although Ranboo didn't seem to remember much, he was always willing to help.

"Tommy? He's... he's changed. I think. There was this stuff with Dream? Sorry, I- you might want to ask someone else."

Dream. That was a name you knew hardly anything about. The very owner of the server, missing from it. Someone had told you that he was in prison, but that didn't make sense. How did the owner of the server end up in jail?

Eret was the next person you ask. He seemed pretty levelheaded, so he had to have some answers.

"What happened before I joined? With Tommy and Dream and all that?"

He pauses in his building to turn his head towards you. His glasses are too dark for you to see past, but you assume he's looking at you.

"It's a long story. Tommy and Wilbur tried to create a nation called L'manberg and Dream didn't like that. There was a war. Tommy ended up losing in a duel, losing the war. But Dream still gave L'manberg their freedom. There was an election, Wilbur and Tommy lost which turned L'manberg into Manberg. There was another war."

"A lot of war." You huff.

Eret smiles. "There is. Tommy lost a cow and started a war somewhere in there I think. But he didn't lose the war against Manberg. Instead, Tubbo became president. Tommy got exiled. Nobody really knows what happened to him, but he came back... different. Changed."

"Nobody?" You push. That didn't seem right.

"Nobody apart from Dream and Ghostbur. But Ghostbur is long dead, and Dream's in prison. Anyways, there was a war in which L'manberg was destroyed. Completely. They tried to rebuild it a little. Wilbur died and got revived, it's... it's a long story. Complicated. But Tommy died too and got revived after getting stuck in the prison."

"Holy shit." You wouldn't want to get stuck in that prison. Just looking at it was scary enough.

"Kid's been through a lot. Lost a lot. Seen a lot. We all have."

"Like him?"

Eret's look turns more thoughtful. "Not like him. Not as much as he has."

Right then. It was decided. Nobody was going to hurt Tommy ever again. Grief and loss were something you were familiar with, but he was just a kid. A kid with a haunted look in his eyes, an exile nobody knew anything about.

"Thank you."

"Of course. I'm making a history museum, after all." As you leave, you can hear him talking to himself. "She's digging up skeletons meant to be buried."

If skeletons were meant to be buried, then why were two revived people walking around on the server? You might not know much but messing with life and death sure couldn't be good. If you were here, you might as well try your best and bring some peace to the server.

So, you go against the advice given to you. You talk to Tommy.

“Hey! Tommy, right? What’re you doing?”

He doesn’t trust you, but he has no reason to. With a suspicious look he angles himself away from you but still responds. That’s something, right?

“Getting supplies.”

“I can help! What are we gathering?”

“I don’t need help.”

“I didn’t say you needed anyones help. I’m just offering.” Your grin never wavers. “Bored and willing to help out.”

“…wood.” He reluctantly answers. “To rebuild my house. Oak wood.”

“Great!” You grab out your netherite axe, only to spin it around and offer Tommy the handle. His axe was iron and you had a diamond one you could use. “Here, I’ll use my spare diamond one.”

His face twists, and you realize your mistake. The gift could be seen as pity. Sure, you might be becoming protective over Tommy but it wasn’t out of pity.

“It’ll be faster.” You add on.

He takes it slowly, but takes it nonetheless. Progress.

Your next move is to talk to Jack Manifold. The guy seemed a little odd but not too bad. No matter what your personal opinion of him was though, you had seen the billboard. The hotel. Big Manifold’s Hotel sign was very obviously painted over Big Innit’s Hotel.

“Speak of the devil! There they are!” Jack calls out to you, waving. He was talking with Niki, another member you need to talk to. Two bats with one arrow, right?

“Jack! Niki!” You exclaim. “Just the people I was looking for!”

“What can we help you with?” Jack asks, smiling. Unlike Eret his glasses were see-through.

“I was actually wondering about your hotel. It used to be Tommy’s, right?”

“Oh, yeah. But then he died so it went to me.” He shrugs, seeming unconcerned by it. There’s just one little flaw in his logic.

“But Tommy’s alive.”

“Listen, you joined at a really nice time. Tommy’s chilled out and it’s better this way. Just leave things be.” Niki suggests.

“He’s chilled out because he fucking died! He’s a kid!” You exclaim.

“You don’t get it, he terrorized the server! It’s better off this way. He deserved everything that happened to him.”

You stare at Niki, jaw dropped. She couldn’t be serious, could she?

“You’re- maybe I’m wrong here, but he’s been through multiple wars. He’s died. He’s seen his country blown apart. He was exiled. And he’s still a kid. You’re telling me he deserved all that?”

“He brought it upon himself.” Niki answers.

“Heh, maybe we should just calm down?” Jack suggests.

“I’m calm.” You break eye contact with Niki to look between the duo. “Honestly, the hotel is none of my business. I just wanted to warn you both to leave Tommy alone. You might be okay with what’s been going on, but I’m not. In my books you’re both just as bad as Dream.”

Rumors on the server often turned out to be correct, as you were quickly learning. But now they've been dealt with. You weren't going to let anything else happen to Tommy even if it took all three of your lives, you swear by it.

There was one last person you had to threaten, but he happened to be unreachable. The very man who perhaps hurt Tommy the most. Dream.

As it turns out, Pandora was pretty good at keeping people both in and out. No matter how many times you begged Sam, he never let you in. Always claiming it was a liability, especially after how Tommy got stuck in there, which led to a whole new conversation.

"How the fuck do you lock a child in with a monster? He died, didn't he?" You ask, already furious at Sam's constant denial of letting you visit Dream.

"It was an accident. He signed a waiver-" "HE DIED! Aren't you meant to protect people? Isn't that what being the Warden is all about?"

Sam's expression crumples, and you suddenly realize you might be yelling at the wrong person here. So far you seemed to be the only one actively helping Tommy, but that didn't mean he was alone. Maybe there were people still in his corner, people who just fucked up a little. (or, in this case, a lot)

"Threaten Dream for me, would you?" You ask, backing off. "I think we can both agree that we'd kill him if he ever hurt Tommy again."

"Yeah." Sam nods. "That I can do."

With a smile, you set off a friend richer.

Tommy did still have people out there who cared for him, he just didn't know it. Maybe one day he'd see that, but only after a shit ton of healing.

For now, all you could do was give him a safe place and get him in some goddamn therapy.

#c!tommy #dsmp #mcyt #tommyinnit mcyt #tommyinnit #tommyinit dsmp #tommyinnit x you #tommyinnit x reader #dsmp tommy #dsmp imagine #dream smp #c!tommyinnit

[lythea-creation]

Brighten My World - Tasneem x fem reader (Chapter 5)

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter

warnings: none, i think

word count: 937

----------------------

“Are you coming to Omar's birthday party tomorrow night? I'd really love you to be there”, Tasneem proposed.

Once again we were cuddling on her bed after school.

“Sorry, but I can't. I already have plans”, I enlightened her.

“What plans?”, Tasneem wondered, looking down at me.

I had not wanted to tell her at all, maybe after it was all over. After all she had been looking forward to Omar's birthday party for quite some time now as they were pretty good friends. Honestly it surprised me that she had waited so long to ask me to come along. Although she had probably just assumed that I would agree to tag along anyway.

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. It's okay”, she reassured me. “It's not like you're obliged to tell me where you are just because I'm your girlfriend.”

“That's not it. I just … I'm going to a memorial for Layan. And I didn't want to tell you because I was scared that you'd feel weird about it or wouldn't be able to enjoy the party”, I admitted.

“Do you want me to come?”, she offered.

“You don't have to.”

She interrupted me: “I know. That's why I asked if you wanted me to come.”

“I don't want you to miss out and feel out of place”, I noted.

“Still not what I asked”, she reminded me.

“Okay”, I snapped. “I want you to come! Happy now?”

She gently stroke through my hair, calming me down again. “I'll come”, she promised.

I wanted to resist again. It felt like I did not deserve her kindness, her support. But at the same time I desperately tried to resonate with myself. After all it was probably my grief that was talking, the urge to isolate myself. The guilt of not being able to save Layan that was gnawing at me. The guilt that was trapping me, telling me that I deserved to suffer.

But it was all in the past. It still hurt of course and rationally thinking it should. Layan had been incredibly precious to me after all.

Yet Tasneem was with me now and I did not want to miss out on my life with her over the one I had lost with Layan. There simply was no going back in time. And considering it was making me feel torn.

Because even if I could change the past, it would mean to lose Tasneem. So the what if scenario was not soothing in the slightest.

“I'm sorry for yelling at you”, I apologized.

“It's nothing really. Hiba's way worse, you know”, she claimed.

“I still don't like it. I don't wanna hurt you”, I noted.

“Like I did when you visited me for the first time?”, she wondered.

“Is it still bothering you?”, I inquired.

I took her hand that was caressing me and turned around a bit to be able to look up at her properly.

“Kinda”, she admitted. “You didn't deserve that.”

“But you needed to vent”, I pointed out. “You were just not used to talking about your feelings. That's why you talked me down. Of course, it wasn't the right way to handle it, but you did all you could. Apologize and not repeat it. There's no need to beat yourself up over it.”

She softly smiled down at me and gave me a kiss on the forehead.

“But about Hiba”, I changed the topic, sadly making her smile falter. “I really think you should talk to her.”

“Did you forget how she treated you? She literally threatened you”, she recalled.

I had told her about the bathroom incident. Not to screw Hiba, but to get it off my chest.

“Just view it from her perspective. You two have been best friends and all of a sudden you started hanging out with Sarah, placing her over everything and everyone else, including her. I bet she feels like you replaced her and that's why she's acting out so much. She misses and needs you. Now you're spending pretty much all your time with me, which I'm not complaining about by the way. But I think it's understandable for her to be jealous and feel left out”, I considered.

There was a small moment of silence as she was taking my words in.

“Shit”, she cursed quietly. “Why do you always have to be right?”

“Naturally gifted”, I joked, earning a laugh from her. “You could ask her to spend the weekend with you.”

“But we already have plans”, she reminded me.

“Which won't disappear until the next weekend”, I remarked. “I don't want to force you to do anything, but that way you can find out how to handle the situation. You know what your therapist advised you.”

“Be blunt with the people I care about instead of holding up a facade. Yeah, I know”, she declared.

“So what do you think?”, I questioned.

“Okay, I'll try. I do miss her”, she confessed. “Although I really don't wanna leave you alone after tomorrow.”

“Maybe I can hang out with Rania”, I suggested. “I haven't seen her in a long time.”

“Who's Rania?”, Tasneem wondered.

“Layan's best friend. We also came along well, but we kinda lost each other after Layan's death. Were too busy grieving, I guess”, I enlightened her.

“I'll text Hiba then”, she proposed.

I only hoped that it would all work out.

--------------------------

Next Chapter

So what do you think?

Tag List: @sunwoniie

#al rawabi school for girls #tasneem x reader #fem reader #lgbtqia #romance #fluff #drama #female reader #layan #hiba

[pullingyourstrings]

Sunny with a chance of rainbows

Pairing: dad!gareth x bestfriend gn!reader

Summary: Your best friend Gareth becomes a single dad and you decide to help him raise his daughter Sunny.

Words: 1.7k

Warnings: oc!Sunny Emerson, oc!Anne, character death, dealing with grief, fluff, happy ending.

Gareth was your best friend since you were kids and you still talked everyday, even when you moved out to another city. So it was obvious you were coming back to Hawkins the day he called to tell you his girlfriend Anne got into a car accident, leaving him and their 6 months old daughter, Sunny, all alone.

You arrived at Mrs. Emerson's house the same day, supporting them any way you could and helping Gareth move back and into his feet on the next few days. He was immensely grateful to you, but insisted you didn't need to stay forever. He and his mom would make it work. But you knew his mom was old and sure, she could help with Sunny, but babies need a lot of care and attention and she couldn't do it alone all the time while Gareth worked hard to support his family.

"Gare, please let me help you. At least until Corroded Coffin fires off and you don't have to work at that shitty restaurant anymore" you offered.

"Are you sure? I don't wanna bother you more than I already did, I don't wanna ruin all your plans and–" you understood where he was coming from, even grieving he was always kind and selfless, but to you this was more important than anything. You remembered all the times Gareth and his family helped with your troubled childhood, how many times they welcomed you in their house, how many times they went to your presentations when your busy parents couldn't make it, how Gareth's mom taught you how to cook and how to fix a lightbulb for when you were on your own, his sisters taught you how to wear make up and his dad helped you get your first job. You remembered how Anne always treated you nicely, how she made sure Gareth called to check up on you. It was only fair you gave something in return to all of them.

"I'm staying. You're not bothering me. I can stay here with her, help your mom around the house..." you turned your attention to Sunny, resting her head on her dad's chest and giving you the side eye. "Isn't that right, honey? We're gonna have so much fun!" you talked in a warm, reassuring voice and Sunny expression changed, smiling big and giving you grabby hands. She threw herself from her dad's arms and you grabbed her.

"That's right! Let's go inside to play, yeah?" you walked towards Gareth's house, tickling Sunny's tummy and making her giggle. "Say bye bye to daddy" you waved at Gareth's direction and Sunny mirrored you. Gareth smiled and waved back before getting in his car and leaving for work.

You never wanted kids, mainly because you've always been scared of the pregnancy part, but helping your best friend raise his kid? That's pretty rad. You found yourself quite enjoying it and getting more and more attached to Sunny. She was the funniest smartest little girl you've ever known. She liked playing games, listening to music and dancing. She was really easy to take care of, she rarely threw tantrums and enjoyed quiet times watching TV or when you're reading her a book. Mrs. Emerson said her good behavior meant you were doing a pretty good job at raising her and you liked to believe it was true. After all, you weren't doing it alone and Gareth was indeed a really great dad. He always said he wanted to be the dad he never had. He played with her, took her to corroded coffin rehearsals, they often baked together... He made sure to give her everything she needed, all attention and love he could.

Time flew by and suddenly it was Sunny's 2 year old birthday. Still, you only stayed with her while Gareth was working and went home to your little cabin as soon as he got home. Mrs. Emerson would always invite you to stay, since after Gareth's sisters left to build their own families, she often felt lonely. Sunny has been a light on her life and she also really enjoyed your company. But you thought it was better this way. You liked to give them space to be their own little family because, sometimes, you still felt like an intruder. You weren't trying to replace her mother. You were just trying your best to raise her in a respectful, kind and loveable way and you hoped that, wherever Anne was, she was watching approvingly. You knew Gareth was. You two spent a lot of time together, from taking Sunny out on fun trips to the mall, the park or the beach, to staying home with her, baking and watching movies. And you often caught him staring at you while you played with her and he had this look on his face, this soft smile and shining eyes, that you couldn't point your finger on what it meant. So you took it as approval, as recognition that he saw how much you cared and loved his kid. So much, that you couldn't help but miss her and be worried whenever you were apart from her.

You received a call one night, a tired Gareth on the other side and you could hear the faint noise of Sunny's crying.

"Hey... Can you come over please? Sunny has been crying nonstop since you left and I-I don't know what to do."

"I'm coming." you left immediately, heading to his house. You walked up the stairs quickly, finding him with her in his arms, swaying her back and forth. You could tell she was tired, eyes closed, body limp on his arms but she still cried, inconsolable.

"What's wrong?" you asked worried, approaching them.

"I don't know! I tried everything, I fed her, changed her diaper, checked her temperature. Everything is fine, you're fine baby" he talked more to her than to you, kissing her forehead gently and shushing her.

"Can I try?" you offered and Gareth nodded, placing her in your lap. You hugged her close to your chest and started humming to her a little song you made up when you just started doing this. She stopped crying when she recognized you and your voice, sighing deeply. She was asleep just minutes after.

"Huh. I guess she just missed you. She's so used to having you around" Gareth whispered as you placed her in her crib gently as to not wake her up. "Which is great. Because I guess I'm pretty used to it too" he completed when you turned to face him. And there was that face again, the one you couldn't point your finger on. You understood it now as he got closer to you.

"Listen, Gare, you don't need to do this. I love Sunny like she's mine but we don't have to just because I'm helping with her" you placed your hand on his chest and took a few steps back.

"I know but I want to. I really like you, Y/N..." he grabbed your hand and despite you shutting him down, he still smiled softly.

"I like you too, we've been friends forever but..." his smile faded. "But I knew Anne and I'm not in any way trying to replace her." you confessed. You knew you were letting your insecurities get in the way, but he needed to know.

"I understand that." He took a step back, leaning on the wall opposite from Sunny's crib. You leaned beside him, watching her sleep. "You're not replacing her though. She's part of our life and she always will be. But knowing her, she would want Sunny to have the best family ever. She would want us to be happy. And you make us happy." he reassured you. "So if you want to just... keep things like they are... that's fine by me. But I really, really want us to be a family. Like, officially." he finally looked at you, your eyes meeting again. You thought about it, your heart racing uncontrollably. This wasn't new. You always had a special place for Gareth in your heart and the connection you two had was something meant to be since the first time you met. Raising Sunny together was only a confirmation of that, besides being the best thing that ever happened to you.

"Okay" you smiled "I think I want that too."

Nothing really changes, other than you moving in with them to stop paying rent and stopping answering "Oh no, we're not a couple" when people in the street asked about you and Gareth.

With Gareth being your best friend since forever, you were already close, already knew all of his perks and you already loved him when it all started, so your relationship blossomed easily. Gareth is easy to love and fun to be around and he found himself in the same situation, falling in love with you more and more everyday. Eddie would often joke and say that you looked like the perfect family he saw on tv ads.

Eventually Corroded Coffin blows up and the boys sign a deal for their first tour around America. Gareth finds himself in a conflict, because he REALLY doesn't want to leave you and Sunny in Hawkins while he travels. He'll just miss you too much. But this was always his dream, he couldn't just drop it now that they finally got something. So his plan was to arrange everything so it would accommodate you both, from the most comfortable tour bus to how it would work with Sunny's education and healthcare. That way, you couldn't say no when he invited you to go touring with them. And you're glad he did because it was a blast. All the fans knew about Sunny and they really loved and cared about her. They also knew about you and how happy you and Gareth were as a couple, so they're always respectful and kind. Sunny grew up on a tour bus, traveling the world, and all of you loved it so much, so happy you created this amazing family.

#i love this au so much #i hope you guys like it too #gareth emerson #gareth stranger things #gareth the great #gareth emerson x gn!reader #gareth emerson x fem!reader #gareth emerson x reader #dad!gareth emerson #oc anne #oc sunny emerson #oc death #stranger things au #stranger things fanfic #stranger things 4 #stranger things

[lantur]

highlights,

Lots of good things since the end of June! It helped my mental health SO much to be off work on July 1, 2, 3, and 4. I had a very calm, quiet, and short week at work before starting another weekend. :)

My big win from the holiday weekend is that I made samosas from scratch for the very first time, and they turned out great. I've never deep fried anything before, and I feel like that gave me confidence and opened up new horizons in cooking. I can't wait to try making my own egg rolls.

Derek and I also watched the D&D movie with my brother and sister in law over the holiday weekend, and that was SO fun. I loved the movie.

Life's felt pretty good lately in the rhythm of sleeping better, having great workouts with running and swimming, cooking good food, and taking care of Westin and my garden.

Writing has been going well. I've been writing by hand in my notebook, which is slow, but I enjoy that process more than typing on my laptop.

I've finished a couple of (nonfiction) books lately, which were both interesting. The Forgotten Girls: A Memoir of Friendship and Lost Promise in Rural America, by Monica Potts, and Butts: A Backstory, by Heather Radek. I'm so glad I bought the tablet to read on; it's worlds better than reading Libby on my phone and I'm reading more as a result.

I got to hang out with a NEW FRIEND last night. :)) I don't make new friends often because of anxiety, but I had so much fun with her, and we have a lot in common! It was so exciting. I moved here 7 years ago with very few friends (none irl), knowing nobody here, and I've worked hard to build a good group of friends and family. That makes me really happy.

lowlights,

My mom has been really distant emotionally since my dad died in early May. She moved from California to the East Coast and she's currently staying with my aunt. (Right after my dad passed, and even in the months leading up to that, I offered to help her find a place to live near me, but she didn't want to come to my state.) I've been reaching out to her every day to check in, but she's been very short with me.

We haven't gotten along for years, but the rejection still hits hard. I was hoping (and planning) that we could and would pull together after losing my dad. After all - my mom is the only parent I have left. I'm the only immediate family member she has left. I thought that would count for something.

The whole situation has been causing me a lot of distress, but I'm coping with it in a variety of ways, including reminding myself that she may just be distant because of grief/depression, and that the way she's acting toward me right now isn't necessarily a reflection on me as a person - it's because of her feelings. I'm also coping with it by reminding myself that I have a full life with loving friends and in-laws, even though my parental/family of origin situation is not great.

#lanturing

[definitelynotgideon]

This is a Genya Shinazugawa x OC (Gideon Azulyss) MLM Fic 🏳️‍🌈

AN/ this took me all day, coming back in spurts. Bleh. Anyway heres a rollercoaster of my own design-

CW/ Sexual reference, Hurt/Comfort, Light references to trauma, strong language.

Word count: 2,554

The Demons We Face | Chapter 12, Pajamas

Preview:

From where Genya was laying, the mohawked boy battled internally with the things that have protected him this far in life. Above all odds, Gideon had become someone he cared deeply for in a short amount of time. He was kind, and a small part of him felt healed, being able to cry without shame in the other boy's arms. But that in itself was dangerous. Gideon could be ripped from him at any moment like the majority of his family were. He could fuck something up, lost in his grief and guilt and every un-pretty thing inside of him and unintentionally push Gideon away… 

The silver haired boy was carefully, tactfully convincing Genya to allow his walls to be lowered, but the walls were what had kept him alive and… 

Parts of him were still so unsure. 

The nice thing about the butterfly mansion was the feeling of safety within the walls and gardens. Surrounded by wisteria trees, it was a safe haven and no one who dwelled here needed to worry about demonic activity after dark. 

The boys finished up their meals, thanking Aoi before wandering out of the dining area. Genya looked back to Gideon, who had followed behind. The silver haired boy’s attention went to the nearest window to the outside, and he noted the clear sky. 

He'd gotten into the habit over the last bit of time of wandering outside with tea in hand, wanting to bathe in the moonlight when possible on the engawa. However, with Genya's arrival, things could shift. He smiled softly as he turned, just in time to face Genya who had moved to see what he was looking at. 

Verdant eyes flashed with happy surprise and his smile bloomed into something more joyous as he met Genya's gaze. He was so happy to see him again, and he still hadn't quite registered that this wasn't just one of his lucid dreams. 

“So partner, where to now?~” Gideon asked him, his voice light. 

Genya had looked into his eyes as he turned, but noticed that Gideon had been gazing out the far window. “Well… were you wanting to go that way?” He asked, nodding towards the side of the building where the window was. 

Gideon shrugged. “I don't have to, I just liked sitting outside with tea in the evenings is all.”

He slipped his hand into Genya's. “I'd much rather spend time with you, if you're up for it. Are you tired?” 

Genya yawned as he asked, and it caused Gideon to yawn as well. Genya chuckled a little. “I wouldn't be opposed to settling in. But I've missed you and I want to catch up. Let's go sit outside with tea.”

It was then that Gideon noticed Genya's demeanor. He definitely looked exhausted from travel. Genya began to wander back to the kitchen but Gideon stopped him gently. 

“We can sit together outside another night. Let's get tea and settle in.” Gideon gave him a warm, reassuring smile, and then followed him in so they could start a kettle together. 

Another yawn from Genya, and just as he was about to protest. Gideon gave him a knowing smirk, and Genya conceded. “Alright.” 

As they prep and wait for the water to boil, Gideon pulls Genya in to hold him softly. His arms wrap around his waist and he looks up into his eyes. 

“I imagine you probably want your bed after the long journey. Would you mind going to my quarters first, so I can change clothes? Then we can sleep in your room.” 

Genya nods, agreeing to the plan and giving a small, tired smile. 

Gideon waits a moment, and then smirks as he looks at Genya. “And by sleep, I mean I'll wait until you're sleeping, and then I'll talk to your trees~” 

Genya grins and shakes his head. “How will you do that without waking me?”

“I'll whisper. I'm a champion at whispering.” 

“...How are you going to get out of my arms to do this?” 

“It's a challenge I'm willing to calculate for.”

“Alright, it's settled then. I'm laying on top of you.”

Gideon gasps, and then laughs. “You'll crush me!!” 

Genya takes the kettle off of the fire. “Nah. Mattress will help you not be crushed you'll live~”

“Don't underestimate how crafty I can be. Just because you flustered me and I stopped moving last time doesn't mean I can't escape now.”

Genya flashes him a very playful but devious grin. “Is that what happened? I think I can fluster you again. Keep you in your place. Under me~”

Gideon freezes and his face turns beet red. He stammers, grasping at any comeback he can but fuck, the image- 

And Genya knows he's won, so he revels in the aftermath as the silver haired boy falters beside him. He carefully pours tea for the both of them. 

Genya glances over and hands Gideon a tea cup. “I must have really got you; were you unprepared?~” 

Gideon gives a little flustered laugh and nods. “Y-yeah, damn. Congrats.”

Genya carefully inches over to him and kisses his forehead, but then shifts to whisper in his ear: “You're so cute when you're flustered~” 

Gideon squirms, almost dropping his tea cup. He's somehow more red now with that and he looks up at Genya as he pulls back. 

“How was that? Am I on level with you, whispering champion?~”

“You're such a tease, Genya.” Such a tease and it was almost unfair. Though Gideon supposed, if he'd struck the first fluster blow, it'd be about the same. 

There was another element to this though. Even if Gideon could fight back on any ground at this moment… The victorious grin on Genya's face was one of the hottest things the silver haired boy had ever seen. Confident Genya was incredibly sexy. 

So this battle would go to Genya, but not without some spoils being obtained by Gideon. 

“I only tease you because I like you,” Genya assured. “Now… come on. Let's get you into jammies.” 

Gideon smirked. He called them ‘jammies?’ Adorable. 

But Genya had called them jammies for a while prior. When he helped his younger siblings get ready for bed, they all called them jammies. Even Sanemi would call them that. 

Honestly, it was the context that caused him to call them jammies in front of Gideon though. Genya was opening up to Gideon in new ways over time. This was one of them, an endearing term that he'd likely not be caught dead saying to anyone else in the present.

They made it to Gideon’s room. Opening the door, the room already smelled pleasantly like lavender. Gideon took an appreciative inhale in to bask in the calming scent, releasing it slowly. 

Genya looked around his room. On his walls, Gideon had hung up sketches of things and places he'd found. Genya admired one drawing in particular, of a Rhinoceros Beetle. 

It reminded him of Sanemi a little. His older brother loved rhinoceros beetles. He thought back fondly to earlier in their childhood together when he'd catch them, bring them in the house to show mother, and then be told to release them. Genya would often come with on the hunts, and he'd also follow Sanemi back to the woods when it was time to say goodbye to the beetle friend. 

In the time that they'd entered and Genya had reminisced, Gideon had changed into a comfortable sleep kimono. He crept behind Genya and looked to the drawing he was admiring. 

“Do you like beetles?” He asked him softly. He'd sensed from Genya's silence that he was deep in thought, and sought not to disturb him too much by entering. He stood on his toes to rest his chin on Genya's shoulder and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind.. 

“Yeah… but my brother loves them especially. We used to go out and look for these kinds of beetles all the time.” 

Gideon listens to him carefully, giving him space to share. A moment of silence passes and Gideon releases Genya from behind. “I think they're pretty neat beetles. He was fun to draw.” 

He goes to the drawing and unpins it from the wall, handing it carefully to Genya. “You should have it. It reminds you of good things, right?” 

Genya's eyes widened. “I can't- it's your art, you probably worked hard on it… I can't possibly take it from you.”

“I'm giving it to you. I can always draw more.” He places it in Genya's hands and gently presses his hand over Genya's. “You'll likely give me more material, and more inspiration to draw. Plus, you gave me a gift and I want to give one back.”

Genya begins to tear up slightly. Gideon places a reassuring hand on his shoulder and leans in to kiss his cheek softly. 

“It's okay, Genya. You're… you're hurting from something, aren't you? If you ever want to talk about it, I'll listen to you. I'm here.” His words were careful, just like his touch. 

Genya wraps his arms around him. The pain in his chest lessens just slightly, and Gideon rubs his back slowly. The tears come despite him wanting to hold them in and he hides his face in Gideon’s shoulder.

“S-sorry-” he managed. It came out as a small choke. 

“You have nothing to apologize for. You're allowed to cry. Here…” 

Gideon gently leads them over to his bed so Genya can lay down, and he crawls in beside him. “I'll hold you. If you fall asleep it's okay.” 

“O-okay,” he said, hiding his face in Gideon’s chest as he cried. As promised, Gideon held him close, keeping his breathing steady and gently, rhythmically, petting through Genya's soft hair. After about ten minutes… Genya had calmed. 

Gideon pulled back slightly after his breathing evened out to see if he'd fallen asleep. He hadn't, and he looked up at Gideon with a sniffle, his eyes slightly puffy.

“How are you feeling, darling?” Gideon cooed to him.

Genya blinked softly to adjust to the light in Gideon's room. “...Really tired actually.” 

Gideon nodded. It was to be expected. Sometimes a good cry could make one feel tired once everything finished up. He looked at Genya's uniform.

“Are you still wanting to go to your room? You'd probably feel better… being able to clean up a bit and change into pajamas.” He reached up to push some of Genya's hair from his face. “If you don't want to move, you can borrow something of mine if you'd like.”

Genya looked into Gideon’s eyes. The day was catching up with him. Hell. The *mission,* the past *month* was catching up with him. He couldn't mentally fathom moving right now. 

“Could I please borrow something?” He asked, feeling somewhat pathetic that he couldn't even bear to go down the hall to his own room. 

But Gideon smiled warmly at him. “Of course. Let me grab clothes for you.” He pulled away from Genya carefully, not wanting to jostle him. 

Going over to his closet, he pulled out pajamas for Genya to borrow. 

For all that Gideon had been through, he'd learned to parent himself pretty well. He didn't subscribe to his parents’ version of love, and while he appreciated the elderly couple who took him in out of kindness, they weren't super well equipped to handle his emotions. That's what he thought anyway. He had to regulate himself without snuffing himself out, otherwise he was certain he'd be left. Tossed out again for not adding up. If his parents could do it, anyone could. 

And so he parented himself; the only person who'd be there for him at the end of the day without fail. 

But… he knew that people needed each other. The world was fucked up, and people could be ripped from his grasp at any moment. But… It wasn't an excuse to isolate himself. He could show people kindness, he could be strong for those who needed help. It's why he joined the corps. 

From where Genya was laying, the mohawked boy battled internally with the things that have protected him this far in life. Above all odds, Gideon had become someone he cared deeply for in a short amount of time. He was kind, and a small part of him felt healed, being able to cry without shame in the other boy's arms. But that in itself was dangerous. Gideon could be ripped from him at any moment like the majority of his family were. He could fuck something up, lost in his grief and guilt and every un-pretty thing inside of him and unintentionally push Gideon away… 

The silver haired boy was carefully, tactfully convincing Genya to allow his walls to be lowered, but the walls were what had kept him alive and… 

Parts of him were still so unsure. 

When Gideon came back to the bed and handed Genya a set of PJs, Genya shifted and changed into them rather unceremoniously. Gideon helped by collecting Genya's clothing and setting them nearly on the nearby chair. 

“Gideon…”

“Yeah?” 

“...Why… Do you want me?” 

Gideon felt the pain in the question. Genya was avoiding eye contact as well. Gideon sat on the bed beside him and took his hand gently. 

“There are so many reasons I want you, Genya.” He pauses to squeeze his hand. “I sense that you're an incredibly kind, loving person and I would love nothing more than to experience things alongside you, and *with* you. You're… the most beautiful person I've met. The strongest person, too.”

Gideon tucked a little to try to look him in the eyes with a smile.

“You scared the *shit* out of me at first but as I got to know you … I realized that you have your walls up a lot. I'm grateful that you let me in, and it's that act and all of the ways that you continue to allow me in that make me want you more. Everything I get to learn about you… everything that is you, is precious to me.” 

Genya listened to him speak, feeling his anxiety ease. He looks up to meet Gideon’s gaze and Gideon cups his cheek. 

“Is that alright?” He asks softly.

Genya nods to him, a small smile gracing his face. 

Gideon stands and scoops Genya into a hug from the side of the bed. “You're amazing,” he cooed into Genya's ear. It was muffled slightly into his shoulder. 

“I think you're pretty amazing too, Gideon.” 

Genya squeezes Gideon and pulls him into the bed with him. “Now… c’mere, and let me squish you.” 

Genya grins as Gideon flails, laughing in his strong hold. “Genya, no!!” 

“Genya, yes,” he says, easily rolling so Gideon is under him. Gideon squeals and hides his face in his hands, but Genya simply yawns and forces himself under Gideon’s arms. 

“I'd wrestle with you more but I'm super tired,” he says sleepily into Gideons ear, smirking as Gideon squirms under his weight. 

“Goodnight Gideon~” 

“GENYA YOU'RE SQUISHING MY ORGANS-”

“What's that you say? You want me to squish your organs?”

“HNNNG NO-”

Genya grins big as he brings all of his limbs in to squish Gideon under him, laughing quietly as Gideon tries as hard as he can to wriggle free and stops out of exhaustion. 

“Is this my life now? Is this what having a boyfriend is gonna be like?”

Genya shifts so that he's nose to nose with Gideon. “Absolutely it is,” he said, smirking before stealing a kiss from Gideon's lips and ultimately releasing him. He shifts over to the wall side of the bed, waiting for Gideon to settle into a comfy position before he cuddles him.

Gideon reaches to turn his lamp off, slipping under the blanket and inviting Genya to do the same on his side. He lays down, feeling Genya's arms wrap protectively around him as he scoots to be flush with him. Genya sticks his nose right into Gideon’s hair, breathing in and out in contentment. 

They say their goodnights, and drift off to sleep at the same time as one another.

#genya shinazugawa #gideon azulyss #genya x gideon #genya x oc #kny gforce #demonslayer oc #demon slayer #kny oc #fanfic #demon slayer fanfic #ao3 #kny #kny genya #fanfiction #ao3 fanfic #kimetsu no yaiba fandom

[placegrenette]

Who are wives of ZaQ and Alem? Like do you know anything about them more than their name? Thank you :)!

Why yes, anon! Admittedly some of this stuff I'm not very well informed on, and I will kick you over to the lovely Sara (@bbcblackjack) for more detailed explanations. But I will also thank you, for giving me the the opportunity to say nice things about Veronika and Zhadra!

So, first up: Veronika Zhangalova and Alem started dating in... I want to say, 2019? I'm not sure. And then very quietly got married in 2021. I don't know her birthday or hometown but I'm pretty certain she, like a lot of Kazakhstanis, is ethnically Russian, and she may only speak Russian and not Kazakh but don't quote me on that. Anyway. She was, and is, a working model (here she is modeling some of Bibotta's clothes, for example) and was working in some kind of management capacity for Juz when she and Alem started dating. I don't know if she has an official position at Ninety One's company, but given how active she is on IG / TikTok, it wouldn't surprise me if she did some kind of social-media content management for them. (It would also not surprise me if she were the one to suggest that the absolutely epic face she pulls at about 3:50 of last year's Aqtobe tour stop video be kept in final edits, and thus preserved for Eaglez' enjoyment forever.)

Also, by the way, the story I have heard is that Veronika is singlehandedly responsible for the Irina Kairatovna / Ninety One bromance, as she was in an IK video and then introduced the two groups to each other. So if you liked "Taboo," you now know who to thank.

If you go through the Veronika tag on @ninetyonekz you'll figure out pretty quickly that she's an unabashed Ninety One fangirl and also very dedicated to promoting herself and Alem as True Love. I do think there's a bit of calculation in this: promoting the two of them as True Love enhances their individual respective brands, to give it the most crudely materialistic spin. But I also think that the calculation is in the social-media posting and not the love itself: that she's genuinely crazy about him and he about her, and they like to hang out together and have shared hobbies. Q-Eaglez apparently gave her some grief when it was first revealed that they were dating (which was, IIRC, an Eaglez asking at a fanmeeting, "There's something going on between you and Veronika, right?" and Alem bashfully replying, "Uh, yeah"), because a lot of Q-Eaglez are immature teenagers, but hopefully that's died down by now and everyone can just enjoy good-hearted people being publicly happy with each other.

Speaking of which:

ZaQ's wife's name is Zhadra Abdulzhapparova, and I honestly know even less about her background than I do Veronika's, although given her name I strongly suspect she's ethnically Kazakh. She may also speak Russian only? I'm not sure. Anyway, she has been Ninety One's primary hair and makeup artist since at least 2017, as she has sole MUA credit for "Su Asty," but she and ZaQ didn't get together right away, I think they didn't become a couple until 2018 or 2019.

(Yeah, Ninety One are apparently kings of office romance, which has worked out beautifully in two cases and still leaves me a little nervous. You can start to understand why Bibotta at one point had to devote a whole series of Instagram Stories to shooting down rumors that she and Ace were an item. Like brother and sister, she said. I'm pretty much hoping that's the case for all the other women working for Ninety One at this point, with regards to Ace and Bala.)

I don't follow Zhadra on IG, so I've missed a lot, but my impression from following the guys is that ZaQ kept things pretty quiet until the split from Juz and then posted this pic with the caption "Wife," in April of last year. Which of course set off some speculation, which turned out to be unnecessary, because in July THEY GOT MARRIED and it was WONDERFUL, Boss Yerbolat gave a toast and sweet Nurs Bazarbay danced all night and Bala did the Macarena and everybody Instastoried the heck out of the event and I just had a big smile on my face all morning watching the live updates roll in. And now that they're married, ZaQ makes no secret of finding his wife super cute. I think Zhadra's less outgoing on social media than Veronika (and generally less interested in being a celebrity in her own right), but they did do one professional photoshoot together, from which the above photo was taken.

(Also see here for a ramble on my part on why it's particularly adorable that ZaQ, of all the members, married the group's makeup artist.)

Also the cats are originally Zhadra's, which is why you may now refer to ZaQ as Cute Cat Stepdaddy. Their names are Flerken and Vivian and I don't know which is which.

One thing I've noticed (and I've referred to this before) is that ZaQ & Zhadra + Alem & Veronika seem to work well together; last year they traveled as a foursome to the UAE to see 50 Cent perform, for example. Which is a good thing, if I'm right. I also think that the natural outgrowth of ZaQ and Alem spending more time with their wives is that Ace and Bala have been bro-ing around with each other more than either of them have with the other two (hence Space Season 4 Episode 4, 75% of the footage of which is Bala beating up his hyungs and Ace videotaping it). I mention this to shoot down the hasty conclusion that Zhadra and Veronika, separately or together, might be sowing dissension within the group; I think the individual friendships between the members can (and should) change over time, as they age and grow and confront new challenges, but "change" doesn't equal "become worse." I prefer to hope that everyone gets along with everyone else and Zhadra and Veronika are universally valued parts of the whole Ninety One enterprise.

Finally, anon, I have not the slightest wisp of a clue who Ace or Bala (or AZ) might be dating. If you hear anything credible, feel free to report back!

#performing as a cute couple but actually a cute couple #is my alem and veronika tag #and now you know why #at some point i will quit making up silly tags that i can never remember #but it remains true that #asks from eaglez is one of the highlights of my online day #come find me eaglez #ninety one

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 5/30/2023

I feel like I worked really hard last week, and yet I don't actually have much to show for it. I guess a lot of it is little stuff that piled up. I mean, I very much do still have a bit pile of dumb little tasks to do, but it's smaller than it was last week. I feel like I've had to do a lot of driving and socializing lately, too, which not only take up time, but wipes me out both before and after.

If you like extra features, I did finish up my go places addenda post last week. I have a lot of ao3 comments to reply to, but aside from that, I guess I'm pretty much done with that one. It gave me a lot of grief while I was writing it, but in the end, I think I'm pretty happy with how it turned out, and I have some good feelings about the end stages of sitting with it.

Onward and upward!! Sorry if this is old hat to my regular followers, but just to get everyone up to date, the new project is Ductwork, the next part of Heart is a Muscle. The preview summary I slapped on the end of What We Do with Our Hearts reads "Renji tries to not make it a big deal when he gets his long-damaged kidou ducts fixed; Rukia is having none of it. Byakuya would like to be removed from this narrative and yet can't seem to manage it."

I started it about a year ago, immediately finishing Hearts, and knocked out about 7700 words of it at the time. I'm kinda gun-shy, because last summer I really really wanted to finish a little in love and I tried and failed (tried and died, basically), a thing that has not been made better by the fact that people have started sending sad little messages like "i hope you finish this someday..." That being said, I am trying to be more realistic about my capabilities, especially because I have a lot more Mom-duties in the summertime. My goal is to make 20,000 words of progress before I fizzle out this time. I mean, if I do finish it, that would be great! I'm not gonna stop dead if I hit 20k. I do hope to participate in the Bleach Returns event this July, but whether that consists of a small break or a big break, I don't know. We'll see.

So, I already have a significant chunk of the first act done, but I'm having trouble moving forward, because I don't have a great idea of how the second act is gonna go. For now, it's two acts, it's evolving, and I'm letting it. I'm trying to let myself exist in creative mode and have some fun with that. In that vein, I just went ahead and let myself write The Big Scene, the scene that is the entire reason I am writing this fanfic. I wrote 3500 words on it this week. It's not done yet, but I am having fun. I've also been having little bursts of inspiration for scenes that follow and other things I want to do, so overall, I am in a good place. It's nice. This is good.

The overall document length at the moment is 12,617, which means I've done about 5k words since I started working on it, which is a quarter of the way there! That's distinctly Not Bad!!

In other news, I've been increasingly dissatisfied with Google Docs, so I am experimenting with writing this one in Microsoft Word. I don't deal with change well, so for now, I hate it, but I'm figuring out ways to make it more the way I like, and at least it doesn't constantly reload back to the top of the page. I will keep you updated. It's not like I can't just cut and paste it back into the other program, which I would end up doing anyway, because GDocs works pretty well for beta-reading and the AO3 auto-html script is handy.

#writing update #art update

[cottagesmasher]

I'm on the last day of Ray's route, right before the party. I don't remember the ending, and there's an After Ending that I've never seen. I'm just gonna write my feelings here. I wish the story continues the way I hope it does. Spoilers under the cut, I guess.

Okay so first off what the fuck V. I thought you would come to your senses after all this. You stopped blaming yourself and acknowledged that Rika must be held accountable for her wrongdoing. Cool. You admit that you couldn't provide the love Rika needed. Cool! You finally tell the truth, share the burden of your mistakes, and ask friends to help clean up the mess you made. COOL!!!

But then you turn around and go back to Rika??? You somehow came to the conclusion that Rika will stop kidnapping people if you let her torture you??? You tried to help her. You took her to therapy, gave her prescription medication, and led her to light when she sunk into darkness. You did everything right. Rika turning evil isn't your fault.

Rika chose to be evil. She was constantly battling her demons. She couldn't beat them, so she joined them. You didn't fail Rika; she gave up. Being locked up in her secret cult basement isn't going to help anyone. You're still head of the RFA, everyone's going to look for you.

Besides, isn't Mint Eye going to be found out when the Prime Minister's secrets are revealed? Saeran was taken there after his mom was suspiciously found dead.

Anyways I hope we find Seven, V gets saved and Rika is sent to rehab or prison. I really want everyone to be safe at the end of the story. As much as I disliked V in casual story and deep story, I don't think he should die. I just want him to be happy. Insisting on "sacrificing himself" to protect others is really weird to me. Your friends will miss you. Why cause more grief?

Bleh Cheritz likes to torture V. I'm pretty sure V gets stabbed in his own route. I don't remember it very well.

#mystic messenger #mysme #Trixxy speaks

[volfoss]

Franken faceup (finally lol) under the cut :) very very long and text heavy because i had a LOT to say with the new stuff I tried :)

^ mockup :) you can see the placing of a lot of the stitches shifted slightly and that it was pretty dark makeup around the eyes! My big inspo for this was early pics of avril lavigne since I wanted to capture that vibe in the way of silly skater girl in this doll. I very much was kind of on the fence on this one, going back and forth on what I would do with the doll (which is why I um was postponing working on the head [outside of painting it] until now) but was convinced I would go with this.

I promise you I had plans to use this mockup. It just did not feel right when I *did* get around to the faceup so I went into it with my usual tactic of ehh it's fine I'll figure it out later which either goes really well or really bad from my experience. I had gotten some tips from a friend of mine who is a PHENOMENAL doll artist so was very hyped to put those into use as well!

I started with blushing the normal resin, not even touching the other colors until I had already gotten this layer sealed so there would be less color contamination (or that was the hope lol)

I just was focused on building up the pinks in the VERY yellowed resin to hopefully balance it out a little (with my experience with very yellowed dolls, this helps a lot in making the color a bit more balanced and life like instead of just. YELLOW. And with this head being from ~2006, she needed all the help she could get lol)

Next coat was the dark purple which shocker. This paint gave me even more issues lmao in the way that I struggled getting my pastels dark enough to really blush the cheeks and lips :/

Like it's there a bit but not a ton and that was ok! My lip lines kept disappearing with my sealant so I added more and more each layer.

Eventually decided that the small areas I had to blush on the teal and the light purple could be done on the same layer, so did that next

Added a bit more of the lip lines and blush around the eye area on this layer too :)

Brows were SCARY bc i was going to be trying new tactics next coat but for now, just a simple pastel outline was my goal! I was SUPER torn on how to proceed with eyeshadow (whether neutral, bright or dark) so focused on everything else (mainly getting the body blushed and getting things to look good there).

Then well. I would like to say i was just gonna do a TINY bit of watercolor to darken the purple side of the lips but then i got lost in the sauce of watercolors, adding moles, freckles, liner, and lashes with it! My favorite thing about this method of sealant (and this is a drawback to some people but to me it's a fun part) is that sometimes dust or small hairs get trapped in the sealant. And why I find this fun is that I can turn it into facial features on the doll, ie moles or scars. It's something where obviously I would prefer to NOT have it in there and I could pick it out but on this doll I wanted to gain as much skin texture as possible on each color so I let it be as messy of a sealant job as I wanted, which is why she's got the moles you see on the normal resin :)

I also used watercolors to add a bit of color where the pastels were not working well (the dark purple and teal parts of the head were giving me grief so I just got my brush wet, dipped it in my watercolors and placed it where i needed it, dabbing at it with a dry [or wet depending on what I needed] makeup sponge cut into small squares. It helped add a bit of color to the lips especially and I was very happy with how it turned out!

I am THRILLED with it so I'm letting it dry a bit and then sealant time! Honestly i do not think this faceup could have gone better :) i was NOT expecting it to go well but it came together and it feels very much like my doll announced her personality of hey. This is what I wanna look like and who am I to not follow those vibes!

Bonus pic w the eyes in (not perfectly aligned bc i didn't wanna budge the paint, I will be making them look a bit better later but I just was ready to get a pic and then put gloss on lol) :)

Also bonus bonus pic of the finished hand bc i am so so happy w it!!

^ gloss is still drying but :)

I'll post pics once it's all dry and ofc more progress as the body comes along but I'm really happy with it!

#twist rambles #bjd posting #Frankenstein wip #i really feel shes coming together... hopefully ill get a name soon lmao #SO hyped to get her done like... i think its really really pushed me to get comfortable with a lot of new faceup techniques and materials #shes such a unique sculpt like honestly her personality just shown through the second i put the eyes in 🥺 im so excited #wig time soon. hopefully #my phone is SO weird about pinks like it really makes them 20x more pink so the last pic is the most true to irl pic in here :) #i have no clue why i was like hey. light blue under the eye but i really like it! i think it adds a bit of personality to an otherwise #kinda normal faceup. again minus the painting underneath lmao #realizing im gonna have to go back over the stitches on the brow oughhh it's ok i am so so so brave... might make it more of an obvious cut #w using some acrylic to make it have a bit of skin there but idk. thats future mes problem lmao #i feel the arms are SO badly making it look very unfinished rn but i think when theyre done it's gonna be like ohhh its all coming together

[pens-swords-stuff]

Just dumping some of my thoughts here because I don't have anywhere else to put them. Not looking for advice, just looking to vent, scream into the void and maybe some support if anyone is willing.

Trigger warnings: Death of a family member, grief, hospitals, COVID, proceed with caution.

Reblogs are disabled to keep this on my blog, but comments are welcome.

I actually found out that my grandmother was dying yesterday. It went very quickly from "she's going to stay in the hospital for a bit" to "she only has about 5-6 hours left before her death."

As a lot of you know, my family is in Japan whereas me, my parents, and one of my uncles live in America so we weren't able to be there. My aunt and her family were there though, so they video chatted me and my parents so that we could see her again and talk for one last time. It was a pretty weird sight to see multiple people holding up phones to her while she was in the hospital bed. She looked so frail and weak, and she must've been in a lot of pain — they were holding off on giving her painkillers for a bit because she probably wouldn't wake up afterwards.

My aunt had to really encourage her to open her eyes to see us, but when she finally managed to, she saw me and the first thing she immediately said was how pretty I was. And that might be the very last thing she ever says to me.

The entire family was able to be there, half in-person and half virtually. At one point I was video chatting another family member and holding up my phone to my mom's phone so she could also be with my grandmother through two layers of videochat.

It turns out that my grandmother had cancer, and she didn't tell anyone that she wasn't feeling well because she didn't want to bother or worry anyone.

We were told at the time that once they gave her painkillers, she wouldn't wake up. She'd pass peacefully in her sleep, without being in pain. They didn't know when, but estimated it to be around 5 to 6 hours, depending on how much strength she had left.

Well, apparently she had a lot of strength left because she made it through the night and woke up. Her blood pressure was back to normal levels, and she's awake and alert and she pulled through.

I can't emphasize enough how amazing of a woman my grandmother is. She's in her mid-nineties, and she's never experienced any of the typical aches and pains of aging. She's never experienced hip or back pain, she kept really active as much as she could (she lived on the 4th floor of an apartment building that she owned well into her 70s. The stairs were ridiculously steep and there was no railing and it's enough to make any adult wheeze!), and she was always finding ways of stimulating her brain so that she could stay mentally sharp. She's also dainty and elegant like a princess, and loves dressing nicely.

This actually happened just yesterday — the day before my licensing exam. And I was so fucking scared of failing because I couldn't make my grandmother the reason I failed.

And I passed! I actually scored amazingly well despite the circumstances, but it's really hard to be happy about it when so much going on. Moving on with being licensed, transitioning into a new job... It feels really weird with everything happening right now. I've always been avoidant and anxious about it, but this is making it ten times worse and all I want to do is hide in my bed to keep everything away. Because if I don't leave my bed, the day can't start, and if the day doesn't start, nothing bad can happen.

(Despite what I might sound like right now, I am actually very functional and am handling this well, don't worry. Staying in bed past noon when I don't have anything to do that day is one of my indicators that I'm feeling really anxious. And these days my internal clock wakes me up really early, so even after procrastinating leaving my bed I actually get on with my day around 11 or sometimes 12, and I'm currently unemployed so it's not like I'm missing anything important. I'm doing fine. This is just my rambly thought dump so everything sounds much more dysfunctional than it actually is.)

Right now we're in a very weird stasis of grandma is still alive, but we don't know what's actually happening. Because of COVID, no one is allowed to visit her, and the hospital is apparently short staffed so we're not getting a ton of updates. My cousin managed to talk to a nurse by chance when she was delivering some clothes and toothbrushes for my grandma, and as far as we know right now, she's alert and she's stable. But it also doesn't seem like there's a huge chance for recovery? I don't know the details but they're giving her painkillers, and are draining... something periodically, but it doesn't sound like there's any treatment happening.

I guess we're just waiting to see how long she holds on before she's ready to pass?

Part of me thinks that she'll be okay in the end. I really, truly thought that she would easily live past 100. Other part of me is already grieving.

It's so frustrating, because there's literally no point for me and my parents to go to Japan right now. Even if we did get there, we wouldn't be able to visit. My aunt, uncle and cousin were only allowed in yesterday because they really thought that this was going to be the end.

And what's even more frustrating is that I haven't seen my family in Japan for five years. We had tickets to go to Japan in May of 2020. COVID stole away at least two summers that we would've been able to spend with my grandmother. And what makes it worse is that these were my last summer breaks. I was in grad school. I had the summer off; I wasn't working or taking classes, I was legitimately on summer break and goofing around doing nothing productive.

But now, I'm about to start my career! I accepted a job that I was really excited about and I'm going to start really soon. And it's going to be really hard to take extended time off! (I'm already negotiating a couple weeks off in August for a nonrefundable trip, which will make it even more difficult to ask for more time off in the first 3 months of my employment if something happens). It was my last chance to easily spend a month or three in Japan, and the pandemic took that away. Even if I hopped onto a plane right now and went to Japan, I still might never see my grandmother again because visitors aren't allowed due to COVID.

Also it's a busy time for flights to Japan right now because everyone goes in the summer; there are almost no seats left and the ones that are, are ridiculously expensive. My family doesn't have a ton of money; it would be worth it, but it would also be really difficult to make ends meet if we bought tickets. One ticket would be tight but manageable, but not three — and if we're sending anyone, it would be my father, since it's his mother.

it just really, seriously sucks right now and the timing of everything going down just makes it worse on multiple levels because it's giving me a lot of "what ifs" and "if onlys".

The emotional roller coaster has been wild over the past 36 hours, and I just want to get off.

#delete later