#this has nothing to do with my current mental health situation i just felt like drawing a stressed mimikyu

[maopll]

Hello I'm not sure if my request is allowed since i did not see it on the rules so pls ignore it it is not allowed.

May I request Leona, Jamil, Rook and Malleus with a S/O who is suffering from depression? Another thing is they have caught the reader trying to unalive themselves, and harming themselves, their mental health is also getting worse. I'd like to see the boy's reaction and how they'd comfort their S/O(since it it similar to my current situation).

I understand if you're not comfortable with this request or do not want to do it. I also apologize of it is against the rules. I'd also like to say that I enjoy reading your works a lot. Please take care of yourself. Thank you and enjoy your day!<3

Let me heal your scars

| twisted wonderland !

⌗:, scars on the outside heal after a time. but...are there any methods or medications that can heal the scars inflicted on the inside?....

⌗:, a/n: anon I am comfortable with this request as I myself have gone through similar situations but you need to push through ! I hope you find solace in whatever keeps you happy and please don't do anything that might unalive you ! I love you <3 I have added things I kind of felt when situation like those happened

⌗:, warning: mentions of reader unaliving themselves,, trauma,, mental health issues,, read at your own risk ! angst !

⌗:, pairings: leona, jamil, malleus, rook w/ gn!reader

,,your depression has gotten worse. you still have freakish nightmares and you slowly start to wonder "do I really have any worth?" "maybe I am useless" "it is my fault that I always fail". these thoughts keep plaguing you mind it's as if someone is telling you to just k!ll yourself. maybe you should just?....

LEONA refuses to let anything get to his weakness and he would absolutely hate it when someone or something is the reason his cherished herbivore is going through hard times and having negative thoughts. He believed that when you are with him no dark thoughts would engulf your mind but...not everything can be kept at bay...

whenever you would visit savannahclaw you would most wear short sleeves or if you ever wore a long sleeve it would be mostly during winter but short sleeves were your favourite. However he noticed a sudden change in your clothing pattern with you wearing long sleeves more than often and turtlenecks . He may be laidback but he too once aimed for the throne of a king...

He knew you would never tell him so when you were sleeing in his arms he looked under your sleeves and for the first time he was frightened and covered in cold sweat.

" [name]...why do you have those cuts on your hands and on your neck ?" for the first time, your leona was dead serious with anything and his voice was a decible lower than usual. you knew that you would have to provide an atleast believeable excuse to make him believe. but no matter how much you tried to answer you felt as if you were being engulfed by the floor and damn gravity never felt this heavy.

you burst into tears. the thoughts, the pressure of life, the decisions, everything fell on you like a thousand bricks. he sucked at comforting but he knew hugs were your favourite. he told you to cry as much as you wanted to. he patted your back and offered to listen to everything you've been going through those days.

he may not be able to relate with you but atleast he can lessen the pain you've felt.

JAMIL himself had to undergo some strict training in his childhood but he had to admit that whatever happened with you nothing of the sort happened to him. so he couldn't share the nor understand your feelings but just know...that he will do whatever it takes to help you

you would visit his dorms and sometimes dance with him under the moonlight with passion because it was something you wanted to do, something that would be very intimate but recently he saw less passion in you and frequent absences of your presence on many days. he thought you were busy but there's no way that you would be absent for two weeks right?...

he was on his way to Ramshackle dorm to see what you were doing, and if there were any homework, he might help you with those, but he definitely didn't expect your silhouette standing on the highest balcony railing ready to jump. he was frozen with fear. 'there's no way that YOU would do this..'

as soon as he saw your feet leave the railing, he sprinted to the spot where you might fall, and thank goodness he caught you just before you hit the ground. you have some explaining to do cause he was taken aback, he couldn't grasp what was happening and he was definitely sweating HARD.

" WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING JUMPING OFF THAT RAILING ?! DO YOU WANT TO REALLY KI–" you cut him off by shouting "WHY DID YOU CATCH ME I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE LET ME GO" and that was your last straw as tears flowed out of your eyes like a waterfall and you were sure you were crying like a baby at this point.

Jamil can read the room very well so he sighed and said that you can tell him everything later on and he is sure that it is definitely trauma inducing otherwise you wouldn't have tried to jump off

he know how heartbreaking it would be to see you cry but he wants to let you let go of all the pains and sorrows you have experienced these days.

MALLEUS here has no idea. this man child is learning human emotions because he pretty much grew sheltered so he learns them by looking at you. Things that invoke happy emotions, romantic emotions, sometimes sad emotions but what is this emotion that you're feeling right now?

I feel that he is able to sense emotions that his lover feels. dragon instincts I guess. but while most emotions you feel smelled sweet, strong or sometimes like petrichor..this one smelled like poison ivy. why?

he may be learning but he doubts that those scents were anything but normal. while he did want to ask you about it you would just change the subject. he knew you were hiding something. his instincts are on another level when it comes to you

he sensed that you might be in danger so it's best if he investigated it by himself and not long after did he find blood stained knifes and ropes. he was horrified. to think that the one whom he cherishes so much would be trying to part away from him for eternity, to take away their own life. he can't have you do that. not when he already made up his mind to keep you by himself while he rules.

you made sure to check all your surroundings to see if everything was in place but you failed to notice that one knife was missing which malleus brought out in front of you when you didn't notice him. "[name]...why were you doing this to yourself?..." he was sad and heartbroken. his voice sounded like he was on the verge of crying and so were you. he was the last person you wanted to find out about your...intentions of killing you life...

no matter how much you tried to tell him something your mouth would only open just to close the next moment because you just cannot bring yourself to tell him. you dropped down on the floor telling him that "I just can't do it...I can't deal shit with life...everything around me feels like they are judging me..feel like they will engulf me and no matter what I do I'll just be useless all over again.." he couldn't reciprocate your feelings but he can surely make you feel better. such a person as yourself who stays bright and cheery should not be crying on the floor nor should they feel sorrows. he hugged you close to his chest while he told you that he would listen to everything you want to tell him.

if he can't shield you from sadness and mishaps then how can he call himself a worthy ruler who would protect the people..his people? so he would do anything in his power to make sure you never shed those tears again.

ROOK here knew exactly the moment when you seemed more gloomy and down than usual. you would talk less, eat less, and those eyebags were so prominent that they could be noticed from metres away.

Something is not right...he thought to himself. how could his always cheerful and perfect other half be so under the weather these days. looks like he needs to know about the origin of your sorrows. He is a stubborn one so he is going to and he WILL find out whatever or whoever has cause you pain. He knows for a reason that it's gotta be something from the past looking at how you don't want to tell him and looks like he was right....

he is slowly unfolding your bedsheets, opened your drawers, and investigated your kitchen knife. bigger sorrows usually lead to rash decisions and looks like he was right. he is a master archer and hunter. the smell of blood being too familiar to him to be able to trace the scent in the knife being yours.

he knew that it may be a possibility, but the fact being true makes him feel...crestfallen. how? why? when? all these thoughts raced his mind. he knew your reason for doing these would be even worse and heartbreaking. but he had to confront you and comfort you. so that's when you seeked you out in the middle of the night when you were almost going to drift off to slumber.

"[name]...were you trying to hurt yourself?" your eyes grew wide like saucers. you've never seen rook look so dejected and serious. you told him yes and showed him all the scars that wrapped your body. you felt tears threatening to spill from your eyes and..oh? why do your cheeks feel wet?...

his usual signature smile was now a ghost of itself and he had a frown. he hugged you as tight as possible and let you freely cry all over on his chest. he shushed you softly and told you to tell him everything you went through and let go of those past emotions.

with him here he swears to never let anyone or he himself be the reason of your tears. he can't afford to see his amoureuse stain her beautiful face.

a/n: sometimes you just need to let go of all those who belittled you or trampled over your pitiful self. you should now grow a stronger version of yourself and start your life anew <3

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst x reader #twisted wonderland x reader #twst fluff #twst angst #jamil fluff #jamil x reader #twst jamil #jamil angst #twst malleus #malleus x reader #malleus fluff #malleus angst #leona fluff #leona angst #leona x reader #twst leona #twst rook #rook fluff #rook x reader

[venusgirltarot]

Messages For You! ♡

Disclaimer: This reading is for entertainment purposes only. Tarot readings are about possibilities based on your current energy. Energy is forever changing and nothing is set in stone. Always remember, you have your own free will to make whatever decision you feel is best.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, envision the person you are thinking of and then choose the pile(s) you feel most drawn to.

This is something new that I’m trying! This reading will be intuitive messages for you based on your current energy. This will be short and pretty straight to the point (hopefully) and can maybe bring you some sort of peace and clarification on your current situation!

If you would like a personal reading from me, check my paid readings post here

Pile 1 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Hello, Pile 1! You may be going through some sort of struggle with a significant other or someone close to you. This feels ruthless and brutal. This seems like someone you’re very close with and have a very strong bond/healthy relationship with but a big change in your current life/relationship has caused issues maybe due to added stress or a new environment that the two of you are not used to. This could be a new baby, a new home, a big move to a job change, etc. it feels like you’re on shaky ground. I keep hearing “haunted” by Taylor Swift. These arguments seem to be full of hurtful words that you two throw at each other. You two may even be weaponizing the others past issues or traumas and none of this is really like you guys and this is not normal for your relationship.

Despite all of the arguing and hurtful words, there’s still so much love that the two of you have for each other and it doesn’t seem like either of you want to walk away, you’re just lost and confused in your situation. I heard “clouded judgement” you don’t feel like this person is taking your feelings into consideration or taking the time to see where you are coming from and they don’t understand what you’re trying to say or what you need/want because you’re not expressing it to them or you are but in a very aggressive/hurtful way.

You both may be lashing out at each other and it’s not helping the situation. Self reflection is so important and so is being kind and gentle and taking the time to understand each other. You both need to hear each other out and really listen. If you don’t understand what the other needs/wants, it’s okay to say “I’m sorry but I’m not understating what you’re asking of me” and it’s okay to walk away from a conversation and take time to breathe and calm down before it turns into an argument.

Change can be difficult and scary but it’s important to know that you’re not going through this change alone. Vulnerability and communication are so important in a relationship and it’s okay to tell your person that you’re scared of this change and what it means for the future because they’re probably feeling the same. I think knowing that you two are struggling with the same fears and anxieties will really help you connect and understand each other. Before I end this reading, I want to include the meaning of the Strength card in the guide book of this deck because I felt it was really important for your situation.

“Remember that Strength is not always loud, and is not always noticeable. Do not rely on others to validate your courage, look inward instead. You are the only one who will recognize the work you have done.”

Anytime I have a reading that includes conflict/fighting, I like to include a disclaimer that this is not for abusive relationships! Specifically for this group, it seems like a couple that is going through a difficult time and having verbal arguments. If you are struggling with physical/mental abuse, please do not use this reading as a reason to stay! Always do what’s best for you and your health/safety.

Pile 2 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Hello, pile two. I believe you’re going through some sort of breakup to separation. This feels very big and significant. This could be a breakup from someone you thought you would spend the rest of your life with. You also may have had a lot invested into this relationship. Maybe you have a home or car with this person or maybe pets or children.

This part if very specific and will only resonate with a few or maybe one of you but you may be apart of the LGBTQ+ community and maybe this is your first relationship after coming out or your first relationship with a person of the same sex. Your family may not have been supportive or broke contact so you may have conflicted feelings right now. You don’t want to go back to hiding yourself or pretending to be someone you’re not but this peeps may have been your main support system after these issues with your family and losing this person has put you in a very difficult position.

For some, you may be struggling with this persons family. Possible legal issues if marriage, children or a shared home is involved. You may even be struggling to get custody of a pet the two of you got together. This person may have lied to you or broken promises over and over again. I think this is a relationship you wanted to work more than anything. You had so much invested in this relationship and you’ve watched it fall apart as you’ve tried to put the pieces back together but one person can’t fix what two people have broken together. You were the only one fighting and trying to fix this and you couldn’t keep doing it by yourself. I just heard “walking away was the right decision” I heard “you did the right thing, baby” that second statement felt like it came from an older female, a mother or grandmother or aunt. Someone very wise and nurturing. I also keep hearing “you’re losing me” by Taylor Swift. Specifically “Do I throw out everything we built or keep it? / I'm getting tired even for a phoenix / Always risin' from the ashes / Mendin' all her gashes / You might just have dealt the final blow

Your energy doesn’t feel sad or angry or hurt even though you have every right to feel all of those things, it just feels numb. You don’t feel anything and I’m so incredibly sorry that you’ve been hurt and broken so much that you’re pushed to the point of no emotion. I’m so sorry that your mind and body are so exhausted that you don’t have it in you to feel anything anymore. I want you to know that I’m proud of you and I’m sorry if you haven’t heard that enough. What you did and the steps you took took so much strength and courage and you deserve credit for that. Not only from those around you but also from yourself.

Choose yourself. Every morning wake up and choose yourself the way you would want a romantic partner to choose you. Give yourself the love you wanted so badly from this person but never got. Utilize your support system, don’t be afraid to reach out to other supports systems. Finding groups online that know what you’re going through. Groups for divorce, groups for those in the LGBTQ+ community, groups for single parents, etc. you’re not alone and there are people who care. There’s people in this world that you haven’t met just yet but they’re going to love you fiercely and unconditionally and they will never put you in a place where you have to question the love they have for you or worry about them walking away. They will show you that every part of you is beautiful and worth knowing. You are worth knowing and I hope that you know that.

Stick around, pile 2. You’re going to be okay and things are going to get better. Repeat that to yourself. “I am going to be okay and things are going to get better” you are strong and worthy and capable of doing so so much. This person isn’t here to hold you back anymore so don’t hold yourself back the same way they did. Take this time to get to know you. Learn who you are without them and become the best version of yourself, the version of yourself you deserve to be and the version of yourself that they kept you from becoming whether, they did that intentionally or not. I love you and I’m proud of you and I’m so excited to see what you turn your future into because it’s yours now and you get to make that choice. You’re going to do great things, Pile 2. I’m glad you’re here.

This reading is already so long so I’m going to try to keep this last part short but I just wanted to thank you for allowing me into your energy. I’ve teared up so many times throughout this reading and I’ve never gotten this emotional during a reading before. You seem like incredibly kind and beautiful people, pile 2. I hope you’re doing okay. Take care of yourself, you deserve that love and care from yourself. Please don’t forget that.

Pile 3 ┊ ༑ ࿐ྂ。

Hello, pile 3! Your energy was kind of hard to tap into but I’m going to do my best to give you as much information as possible. I think you are allowing your past to hold you back from a beautiful future. For some of you, this could be about career or finances but for a majority, this is about love/romance.

I keep getting so many different scenarios so I think this pile might end up being the most popular, it seems like there’s a lot of you here. For some, you may have had a shitty ex boyfriend that didn’t ever do anything for you or ever care and eventually you got tired of it and left and you may have built a very successful life or maybe you’re in the process of building a very successful life for yourself. I heard “you chose yourself and everything else fell into place” I also keep hearing “Guys My Age” by Hey Violet so this new person that has come into your life might be older than you.

For others, you may be newly divorced and possibly older and possibly you feel like you’re not young enough to be dating around (Which is not true! Don’t hold yourself back!) but I think someone has come into your life (possibly someone you met on a dating app) that you really like. You might have children and I think this person does as well possibly the same age as yours and it seems like you two have so much in common. You may have fallen out of love in your last relationship and stuck around out of convenience or obligation or your children (if you have any) so you didn’t get the chance to experience of true genuine connection with someone that shares the same interests and qualities as you do so this is like a net exciting adventure for you.

For the first time in a relationship or romantic situation, there’s this person that’s taking genuine interest in you as person. You may notice they remember small things that you may have mentioned to them shortly. Like you may go on a walk together and you pass tulips and you say something like “oh I love tulips! They’re my favorite” and they may not say anything back or there may not be a whole conversation that comes of it but the next time you see them, they bring you tulips. You may tell them about your favorite book and then a few weeks later you find out that went out and bought the book and then read it so they can talk to you about it.

There’s an effort coming from this person that you’ve never had in any past relationship and although it’s nice and exciting, it’s also scary. Sometimes in life, when we’re so used to something being a certain way or things going wrong or relationships being bad, we panic when things are good because we’re just waiting for it to fall through. For everything to fall apart and come crumbling down just so we can adjust back into the chaos that we’re so used to. Don’t let this fear of the unknown and this familiar chaos take something good away from you. You deserve happiness and peace and a comfortable life, don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. When good things come in, accept them because there are yours to accept and you are deserving of those good things. Don’t let a difficult past hold you back from a beautiful future that you are so deserving of.

Before I leave I just want to add that I had my curtains open when doing this reading and it was a little cloudy and gloomy when I started but by the end of the reading the sun was shining really bright through my window and I thought it paired so well with your reading. Open the curtains and let the sunshine in, pile 3. You deserve it :)

I hope this reading has brought you some sort of peace, clarification, or happiness! Feedback is always appreciated :) have a good day or night. Sending you love and light!

࿐ mara

#free tarot readings #free readings #tarot cards #tarotblr #tarot reader #tarot related #pac reading #tarot requests #collective reading #spirituality #pick a card reading #tarot pick a pile #pick a deck #pick a picture #tarot community #pac readings #pac reblog #pac #pick a card #love reading #channeled message

[magenta-cat-drawingss]

This is my first time asking anything but your the only bsd blog that seems to be active I struggle alot with hygiene mainly showers and brushing my teeth bc of my terrible mental health. I was wondering if you could do headcannons of how dazai, chuuya and atsushi would react to having to bathe their s/o since they aren't mentally capable of doing it sorry if this is weird I'm just struggling rn

Headcanons of Dazai, Atsushi, and Chuuya Dealing with s/o Struggling with Hygiene

-

Hello! First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. I hope things will eventually get better for you. Take a break and just cool your head, you deserve to rest because you are a wonderful person who deserves amazing things. So, in the meantime make sure to take care of yourself, go outside, smell some fresh air, drink water and eat your favorite dessert, you're worth it believe me. So for you requesting something like this is not weird at all! In fact im so happy and glad that you've reached out to me to write you something to help you with your struggle, even though I don't take requests, but it'll be extremely rude of me to not write for you^^ This came out longer than I indented, but I had fun writing it!

Sorry if this is so late I got busy, I hope you like it!

-

Dazai Osamu

He doesn't judge.

He doesn't complain.

He’s simply just worried.

Well…”worried” isn't the right word, with how he's hovering over you trying to come up with something, he's quite hesitant of how to approach.

As someone with a bad routine, Kunikida scolding him on a daily basis, and Atsushi’s exhausted expression whenever he deals with his antics, and just being a complete mess himself, he has no idea how to deal with the current situation.

And you're the only one who would defend him, while he's standing behind you pouting like a big baby. Even if you know he’s the wrong one here.

And you always make sure he's taking good care of himself, and not drowning in a river, until a certain weretiger will go get him.

So that’s why he won't give up on you that easily.

Just like how you haven't given up on him.

And he’s Dazai Osamu for god sake he’ll always find a solution.

So he quietly approaches you, while you are sitting on the couch, hugging your knees and staring off at a wall.

He doesn't like that expression a bit.

He wants to see that beautiful smile that'll make him fall in love all over again.

So he gently places his hands on your arms and stroking them gently with his thumbs to catch your attention.

“Y/n” he called softly, “how about we go take a shower together? Filling it with rubber duckies and bubbly soap, hm?” he said as he continued stroking your arms.

You were hesitant at first, but with his warm brown eyes that's filled with nothing but love burying onto your eyes, you nodded slowly.

He gently tugged onto your arms, and pulled you off from the couch, and started your way to the restroom.

He opened the door and told you to sit on the toilet lid, while he prepared the tub and clothes so you don't have to wait and get cold.

You did as you were told, and looked at Dazai while he’s getting everything ready.

After he's done, he approaches you and gently asks if he can take off your clothes, and he’ll do the same afterwards.

You were, again, hesitant, not because you don't trust him but because the whole situation itself is nerve wrecking. But you complied anyway.

Once he took off your clothings, he ruffled your messy hair, which caused you to giggle a little and that wonderful voice made him smile brightly.

Once you both dipped onto the warm water, filled with plenty of rubber duckies and bubbles, and started to gently add water into your head and squirted your favorite scented shampoo onto your delicate hair.

He took his time, he wants to make sure you'll feel better after this.

And so, he started to massage your scalp and temples, until he felt you're leaning onto that soothing gesture.

After that, he started with your body, also taking his time massaging your shoulders, arms, and legs.

After he's done, he starts the water to remove all the soup excess, taking his chance in carding his hand onto your hair.

When he's completely done with you, he was about to shower himself. But stopped when he saw you turning.

“Let me do it for you” you said, nearly whispering. His eyes widened not only because this is the first time you're talking today, but you're also willing to do something for him when he's the one who's supposed to take care of you.

Yeah, what on earth did he do to deserve you.

When you saw that he was about to refuse, you raised your hand “its fine, am fine, i just…wasn't at my best state, but…” you looked at him, and his breath hitched.

You…smiled. “Having you with me right now is all I need now.”

“Y/n-” “and also you're bad at showering yourself, but hey you make such a great spa worker” you teased while chuckling softly.

Ah your back to your demon self.

He blinked, and shook his head and couldn't stop from smiling fondly at finally having you back. “What can I say, I'm many things, especially for you, my dearest” he smirked while playfully wiggling his eyebrows.

“You goof” you splashed on his face that made him laugh, and before you knew it, you were laughing along.

Nakajima Atsushi

He's fidgeting.

He knows that.

And you know he's standing there, looking at you nervously from a far.

He's just…so used to hearing your soothing voice ringing through the apartment, your wonderful laugh that makes him fanboy to Dazai so hard, and that beautiful smile that's brighter than the sun that he thinks that he might need to wear sunglasses indoors.

So seeing your current state, laying on the couch, all your limbs dangling on its sides, and just staring at the ceiling with no emotion, makes him extremely anxious.

As someone who used to live alone in that cold cell, all chained up with no one to comfort him or give him warmth, he definitely felt loved and appreciated ever since you accepted him with open arms.

You never saw him as a monster as everyone once said, nor are you disgusted by him.

You just see him as a normal teenage boy, who's trying to find a purpose of living.

Just like anybody else.

He may or may not cry a lot on your lap when you told him that, until he dozed off.

And now as he's thinking how much you were there for him all the time, from holding him when he had a nightmare, to cooking him his favorite meal, to showering him with all kinds of love that he deserved.

He wants to do the same to you.

So he frowned and shook his aggressively, before marching towards you with confident steps.

You were laying your head on the couch’s arm, so he had to lean his head down to look at you.

It took a few moments before you felt his presence, and looked up.

He looked at your eyes with a soft look, and said in a gentle tone as if not to scare you away, “y/n, what do you say about taking a shower with me?”

Your eyes widened slightly, he may be straightforward on some occasions, but when he bluntly asks for something like this, especially coming for him, was quite a surprise.

That look made his own eyes widen too, what caught your attention? When realization dawned on him, his face flushed and started to wave his hands defensively, “I- I mean if you want to, that is! I don't want to make things that make you uncomfortable! I- I can wait outside while you're taking it! Um…” he covered his face in an attempt to cool down his embarrassment

You couldn't help it but to snort.

When he heard that, he snapped his head back at you only to find a small smile towards him.

When you've made eye contact you raise yourself by your arms and look him in the eyes again, and say in a whisper: “yeah…i would like that.”

His mouth opened slightly, he finally heard what he missed the most and teared up a little before gently brushing your hair off your forehead, “alright, then.”

You held hands while going your way to the restroom, as you were taking off your clothes, he quickly looked at the other side, he was red from his face to the back of his neck.

You find the situation quite endearing considering how you two were dating for a while now, and you couldn't stop the giggle that came out.

When he looked back, he saw you smiling at him, with light in your eyes.

His eyes soften at the sight, “there you are.”

You got in only, since he already did his own showering. And he offered that he would give one to you.

Of course, he asked if it's okay, and you nodded.

And so you got into the warm water, and sighed out while leaning against the tub frame.

When Atsushi came back, he tapped your forehead to grab your attention, “can you raise your head a little?”

When you did, he opened the water to start getting your hair and body wet.

You were in heaven. Not only he was taking his time in massaging and rolling away any knotted muscles, but the way you can feel the amount of gentleness that was radiating from his actions, that you thought you might sleep right then and there

Once he was done he ran the water again to get rid of any soap acces. And grab a towel to dry your hair.

He couldn't help himself from ruffling your hair lovingly, and said: “I’m gonna get your clothes ready, wait here.”

He got up and turned, but before he could leave, you pulled him by the back of his shirt, which caused him to stumble backwards and fall into the water with a big splash.

The restroom was silent, only filled with dripping water from your lover.

Who may or may not look like a wet cat, that you couldn't help but burst out laughing at him.

He blinked a few times before looking at you with a pout, “y/n…”

When you calmed down, you sighed out and looked at him with so much love, “I guess we’re even now.”

His breath hitched, but nevertheless returned the smile, “yeah..I guess we are.”

And your laughs were echoing in the room.

Nakahara Chuuya

He dealt with something like this before.

He used to forcefully drag Akutagawa to take a bath in the hot springs, since the man would always refuse.

But the reason was different.

Akutagawa refused taking baths, due to the fact it was hard for him to activate his ability.

But this one…

Never in the beginning of dating you he saw you in a state like this.

Zoning out and just staring at something he can't see.

You always greet him with your bubbly persona.

Jumping towards him and giving him a good morning hug, or an affectionate hair ruffle for a job well done, or taking care of his drunk state. And just be an absolute sweetheart to him.

But today…

Seeing curling more against yourself on the floor, back facing him made his heart clench.

He wants to gather you up in his arms, but he knows he really shouldn't.

So he just…stood there.

Ugh! He's a ruthless Port Mafia’s executive! (and a charming boyfriend!) Why was this so hard for him to deal with!!

He aggressively ruffles his hair, not out of frustration, but because if you were to switch places you know exactly what to do to pull him back on his feet.

Oh, that's right.

You were literally the anchor of his life. The sunshine to his darkest night. The angel between the demons of his dreams.

And you did all that because you were being…you.

He raised his head slowly, and looked once more, you didn't move an inch, and walked cautious steps towards you, “hey, y/n?” he started.

You didnt turn, you just unraveled yourself from the ball as if you heard him.

He sighed out in relief, he crouched down and caged you between his arms.

When you saw his hand in front of your face, you tilted your head upwards just to find gentle ocean waves staring right at you, “what do you say about taking a shower with you? So we can snuggle on the couch and watch a movie together.”

Your thoughts might be clogged up, but the thought of snuggling up against him after a warm shower made your eyes light up, and the way his expression softens means he saw that. “I’m guessing you like that, hm?”

You entered the restroom with him picking you up in bridal style, he places you gently on the edge of the tub, and ruffles your hair. “Can you take off your clothes and settle in? While I prepare everything?” while rubbing soothing circular motions on your thighs.

Took a few moments, but you nodded.

You did as you were told, and hugged your knees while waiting for your beloved to come back.

When he did, he brought towels, and a spare of pajamas for both of you, and placed them by the sink.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, love” and started to run the water, “wanted to make everything perfect to make things nice and cozy!”

You blinked at him a few times, before hiding your goofy smile behind your knees.

He saw that obviously, and that made him feel giddy inside.

Once both of you settled in, you were leaning against his chest, while he was washing up your hair. It's soothing, it's relaxing, it's not hurried nor rushed, just perfect.

You closed your eyes, and it was closed even after he washed off the acces of the soap, that he gently started tapping your temple, “love? Are you asleep?”

You slowly opened your eyes to look at him for a second before nuzzling against his neck. “...let's just stay for a while” you whispered

And that…that was more than enough, hearing finally talking to him makes him wanna cry so badly, but he didn't. He just held you close and brushed away any wet stands of your face and gave your forehead a lingering kiss.

“Of course” his voice cracked, “thank you” you said while tilting your head towards him with a smile.

He smiled back with a soft smile, “anything for you, my love.”

#bungou stray dogs #bungou stray dogs imagines #bungou stray dogs x you #bungou stray dogs x reader #bsd #bsd x you #bsd x y/n #bsd x reader #bsd atsushi #nakajima atsushi #atsushi x reader #atsushi x y/n #bsd dazai #dazai osamu #dazai x reader #dazai x y/n #bsd chuuya #nakahara chuuya #chuuya x reader #chuuya x y/n #anime imagines #anime x y/n #anime x reader

[kakiastro]

Mercury Retrogrades: Let’s Discuss

I feel like there’s so much misconception with Mercury Rx. I need y’all to calm down and stop letting these transits freak y’all out!

Transits are felt as a collective but it impacts all of us individually differently! It’s like riding a bus. We’re all riding a bus we’re getting off on different locations. That’s how you treat any transit. Everyone has their own unique path, lessons and blessings in this lifetime.

What is a retrograde? Let’s start there…

Retrogrades is like re-looking at a contract or rewinding a scene from the movie to make sure you read and seen it clearly. It’s going back to the drawing board and making sure you’re not missing something. You may actually get a better idea or completely start fresh and it’s okay!!! Retrogrades shine light on what is and isn’t working anymore, so why are you all acting scared or worried? Listen, retrogrades can be a blessing if you know how to work with the energy not against it. Does this mean that things can’t be annoying or complicated? No, that’s life. But, I promise you’ll learn something from this. That’s how these transits work.

Mercury is the planet of planning and organization. It’s rules over our thought process and how we communicate these things. Mercury is our Health, mental and physical.

What if past people come back?

- If past people come back then this means that you have unfinished business or karma you need to clear out. Sometimes they come back because it could be a chance to start over and re-look at the situation and communicate. Another reason, it could be to see if you’re officially over and have learned that lesson associated with that person. It’s up to YOU if you want them back in your life. I’m going to be real, you may take back certain people in your life because you still have something left to learn.

Can I sign contracts or make big decisions?

Here’s the thing, if it’s not meant for you to do it then the Universe will block it one way or another! you have to start paying attention to the signs and listen to your intuition. If there’s doubt and you have been overthinking something, that’s a sign that you should probably leave something alone until you have clarity. You want to buy a car but nothing is going right, thats a sign love. Mercury Rx is asking you “Are you sure you want that car? Have you done a thorough research on it and see if its beneficial too you?” You want to try a new business endeavor but can’t find any resources, that’s a sign. You’re being asked to ”have you thought this endeavor out fully? Do you have a long term plan for it?” Now if you have full clarity on a situation and everything going smooth then that means you can go through with it because it was already planned out accordingly subconsciously or consciously.

Example: I bought my current cell phone during a Mercury Rx. I had been wanting a new phone for months but the timing wasn’t right but I knew I needed one. When Mercury Rx hit, my phone carrier told me that I qualified for the newest phone for no down payment. I took the opportunity and I’ve had this phone for 3 years and with only 1 issue(apple problem, not my phone) in this span.

Why is my life falling apart then?

-your life was probably already falling apart but you were too distracted by external things such as work, family or relationship(s) to noticed. Now it’s like someone has poured ice cold water in your face and you’re starting to see the dog shit in the corner, you’ve been smelling couldn’t spot it, SURPRISE! I’m tell you this, your life is falling apart or going through something so you can rebuild something builder. Is it fair? No, life isn’t always fair, earth isnt easy but just like the great Maya Angelou once said “you do the best you can. when you know better, you do better.”

Now this leads with this Mercury Rx being in Aries, we are looking at ourselves and reevaluating who we are. With the NN being here, we’re being pushed too. We have to if we want to grow. If you’re not reevaluating yourself then people closest to you are reflecting on what you need to heal. Libra which rules other people and Aries sister sign is also in effect. This eclipse was in a libra degree. Chiron is currently in Aries to remember? So take accountability for you past action, grieve and cry it out if you have too. But, also forgive yourself and others for your own mental (Mercury) peace. Some people will forgive you , others won’t, but the greatest thing we can all do is grow to be better for our future selves and the people we still have yet to meet! First we need too take accountability and heal.

See guys, life isn’t black and white, it’s very grey and it’s filled with nuance. These transits help us better ourselves and others in live timing.

I hope I didn’t come off preachy but I felt called to talk about this today because I wanted to you all to understand these transits in a newer more nuanced way. Can’t you all tell that this Rx is happening in my 10h😅

#astrology #astrology community #knowledge #love astrology #astro observations #birth chart #advanced astrology #tropical astrology #kakiastro #mercury retrograde #astro transits

[ziggbunz]

Theres been a lot of stuff going on in my personal life that I haven’t really opened up about because I felt bad about it, I’m not really sure why in hindsight but it’s finally over now so I can share

(Prepare for the yap session of a century)

Back in November, my boyfriend’s dad’s partner (who I’ll refer to as B) offered me a job to be her personal assistant and carer, she deals with MS alongside some other chronic illnesses and wanted me to take the job because she knows and trusts me.

I thought this was a fantastic oppurtunity because at the time, I had just left a job that was negatively impacting my mental health (customer service on the phone, I’ll leave it at that) and also to do such a rewarding job with someone I care so much about made me happy.

We both figured the process would be over and done with quickly seeing as in the UK, the need for carers and PAs is sky high and holy fuck, how wrong we were.

Immediately the beginning process had red flags, I would call people in the service who would direct me to other people who would direct me to different people and it was like I was running in circles, and I felt guilty having to ask for B’s help because she’s already chronically ill, she needs me to help her but were in this situation of I can’t help her if she can’t help me and it was just a mess.

Around this time I had moved in with my boyfriend so we could get this stuff sorted out easier and faster, I had to move from the North of the UK to the South where my boyfriend, his dad and B lives.

We had all figured this would have been sorted in two weeks, again, how fucking wrong we were!

For a service that says they need people to become carers, they sure make it basically impossible to do! This is a job that doesn’t actually require formal training or certification in my country, it’s recommended but definitely not required unless working with specific clientele (I took it upon myself to train though as it’s the right thing to do, I don’t have experience with MS and also B has had random symptoms and illnesses sprung up on her as well, she goes blind out of nowhere sometimes and has even had a seizure once)

These two weeks turned into three months and in these three months, I’ve been in a mad panic with my boyfriend to be able to pay our bills such as my car insurance, phone contract, food, necessities

On top of this I got fined up to my eyeballs because the parking situation in the city I currently live in is quite frankly bullshit, like I get it but at the same time I really don’t lmao, I racked up £200+ worth of fines because the council wouldn’t give me a permit I paid for even after providing all of the necessary documents

I did try and find a job in a meantime but nobody wanted to hire me, I was on this shit almost every day for two and a half months and I wasn’t even given a rejection email or phone call, just ignored

I tried to advertise my commissions and I did get some but not nearly enough to cover everything I needed paying, I have friends who were also in financial difficulty open commissions who I also badly wanted to support but literally couldn’t and I felt awful

This whole time I just spent all my time drawing and writing, I had nothing else I could do, I did it because I wanted to and love sharing my art and still do! but I also did it in hopes it would garner some recognition and help me get some commissions - in no way did I want to shove this down people’s throats though and I didn’t want to provide a sob story for a situation I technically got myself into, it wasn’t entirely my fault but I should have been more prepared and less naive

I didn’t want to tell my parents, I didn’t want to admit defeat, I wanted my parents to be proud of me and to not have to worry about their adult kid.

I’m 24, man, I felt so embarrassed about still needing my parents support and in no way do I give people shit for that, I just personally felt ashamed about it considering I had told them I had finally gotten a job that could support me and none of it had actually gone through yet

They ended up finding out because I fine I got that I didn’t know about got sent to their house and I hadn’t paid it so I was being threatened with going to court, I eventually broke down and admitted everything

An hour long conversation on the phone with my mam in tears, I thought she was going to be so angry at me and to my surprise, she wasn’t

We talked it out and we have a plan, I’m going to be going back home for a bit while we sort this all out, I’m so relieved I don’t have to be living a lie to them anymore and my financial situation is no longer in run around, shit yourself and panic mode

The weight that has been lifted feels insane right now

#rigby rambles #delete later maybe

[upheavalofmemory]

zodiac tarot reading || messages for the signs [April 2023/Timeless]

Hi! I thought I'd come back from my unannounced hiatus with a little zodiac message post. Meant for your sun, moon, or rising sign. Basic little messages, they are intended to be timeless :)

Just a reminder, I am currently doing paid readings! They are $5 per question, if you are interested or have a question please contact me, thank you <3

Note: I intended for everyone to get two cards, but some signs got more. Plus, this was also done with a bit of intuition and the interpretation of the images on the cards as well as classical interpretation.

Masterlist

---

Aries

king of pentacles, the devil

Be careful of workaholicism, don't overwork yourself. Getting money is great, but nourishing and caring for your mental and spiritual health is also important. Be wary of addictions, drink enough water, and take a rest.

----

Taurus

the hermit, justice

You may need some time to reflect on your meaning of life and your own personal values. You cannot be the judge, jury, and executioner. On the other hand, you do have a high sense of justice, just make sure you are checking yourself once in a while for your own prejudices and opinions.

----

Gemini

8 of cups, 6 of swords

You may be feeling very stuck right now. Time off to make clarity is needed, you may find clarity in the most unexpected of places. You've been avoiding taking this time in on yourself, but it's more important now than ever. The answers are inside you, you just need a trigger for them. Walk away, and look at the bigger picture.

----

Cancer

page of pentacles, the magician, king of wands

You're feeling on top of your game right now. Your cunningness and ease with words has gotten you in a high position right now, but don't ruin it. Keep your humility and understand you come from a place of power. You may be striving for more, but don't get too greedy, you might mess it up, have patience.

----

Leo

king of pentacles, the fool, 2 of swords, 7 of wands

Things are looking up right now. You're going into something new with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye. You may have had to choose between two things, and you are making the right choice, even if the choice is something you've never experienced. You may have to defend your choice, but don't be discouraged, you're doing it for you, not them. Congrats on taking the path less walked, you are finding yourself and making new experiences, and nothing is wasted. You might see some money improvements.

----

Virgo

4 of swords, knight of swords, knight of wands

Things may have been slow recently but now things are speeding up! Be cautious and don't get knocked off your horse, hold on tight. Things are improving, quickly and fast, emphasis on fast! You may be slightly nauseous, but it's all for good purposes. You may be particularly a perfectionist at this time (I suddenly felt the need to use Grammarly on this pile), so be careful you don't overdo it- practice makes perfect but don't tire yourself trying to reach perfection.

----

Libra

9 of wands, 4 of wands

You may have your hands full at the moment, but not in ill intention. You'll eventually get the fruits of your labor, after all of the hard work you've done. Expect a "bountiful harvest" this coming season. Your house may become more of a home, and you may be making home improvements in this moment or moving residence to somewhere better than your old living situation. Have grace, be wise, and maintain your youthfulness.

----

Scorpio

4 of wands, king of pentacles

You may be celebrating something at work or a newfound abundance. In the background, you might be a bit disorganized but it's okay, it's all in good taste. You'll receive recognition for your accomplishments as of recently, you're charging like a bull/grabbing the bull by it's reigns (lots of bull references!). You may enjoy a great treat of grapes, or there will be alcohol (if allowed). Overall, celebration and happiness, a gathering of sorts.

----

Sagittarius

7 of swords, queen of cups, 10 of wands

You may be biting off more than you can chew, or you're holding more wands than you can handle. You may have stolen something or have ben somewhat selfish as of recently, and now you are stepping into your queen of cups and returning everything you have taken or simply giving back to your community. This could also be about previously being in a poor position and finally having the ability to give back.

----

Capricorn

6 of pentacles, page of wands

You may have recently wanted to venture into a new program, particularly one that may help people. You may be a doctor or in the healthcare field and choose to do a job that doesn't pay as much as the others for the purpose of helping more people. For example, you may be a volunteer for countries with inadequate healthcare and your family may oppose of it. Or, you may be a volunteer instead of getting a job. Overall, you are satisfied and aren't stopping anytime soon.

----

Aquarius

the hermit, 6 of swords, queen of cups

You may feel stuck and it's time for some inner reflection. What makes you truly happy, are you doing that? If you don't think it's possible, there's always a way. You need to start doing what truly makes you happy and rid yourself of being a cog in the machine, your personal ventures may prove to be more bountiful, emotionally fulfilling, and abundant than your currently mundane lifestyle. Do what's best for your inner peace and clarity.

----

Pisces

the devil, the star

You may be currently attached to someone who isn't doing you good, you're pouring into their cup (which is overflowing) while your cup is empty. You may need to set boundaries or reconsider your relationship. If that doesn't apply, expect an uptick in passion, either with this person or in your own life (a resurgence of wanting to do the things you've always dreamed of). Follow your urges and intuition, you might find yourself in a cool spot.

----

Thanks for reading everyone <3, I hope it resonated!

#pick a card #tarot readings #astrology #zodiac tarot #tarot #pac tarot #pac #pick a picture #pac reading #pick a pile reading #tarot reading #uomTAROT

[compassionatereminders]

hi Kat, I wanted to see if you have any advice or kind words for me. I’m going through a breakup, I ended things 2-3 weeks ago. today would have been our 6 year anniversary. I decided to end things bc my ex’s dissociation & overall mental health has declined the past couple years and was affecting us. she went through a bad breakup a couple years back (we were polyamorous) which was the beginning of the decline. it was traumatic for her. I supported her as best as I could, but she says I wasn’t supportive enough (I’m autistic & I provide a lot more tangible support than verbal support). after that, we kept having instances where she would say outright mean things to me, seemingly pick fights over nothing, accuse me of things I wasn’t doing, and generally be really hurtful and not like herself. and it just got worse and worse for 2 years. we both did individual therapy, couples therapy, and both have psychiatrists. but she has an alter that is resentful of me or hates me or something, idk. so she would switch out, say mean things to me, but when we’d talk about it later she would just say I never said that, that didn’t happen, and so on. she said I was gaslighting her while in the same breath telling me that all my memories are wrong. it escalated to a point where my therapist encouraged me to leave, and she’s never made a suggestion like that before so I took it seriously. I left a week ago & I have to move in with a friend. I’ve been in an abusive relationship before where I was gaslit, meanwhile she would flip it around and say I didn’t do that, YOU did and accuse me of gaslighting her. so it’s been really triggering to have this current situation where one person has DID and genuinely doesn’t remember what happened trying to convince me that my memories are wrong all the time. she’ll say something cruel to me, later deny that it ever happened, and a few hours later be back to being sweet and kind and loving. every time I’ve talked about possibly ending the relationship she changes for a few days and is extra sweet, then we go back to the relationship being bad. I’m just really, really sad. I still love her and I didn’t want things to end. I wish we could go back to the relationship we had a few years ago. our mutual friends say she’s talking shit about me, meanwhile I’m over here saying that I love her and wish I could be with her. my therapist and my long-term friends (most of whom know me & my ex well) think that I’m making the right decision and that my ex has steadily treated me worse and worse, especially in the last year. (their opinions aren’t even 100% based on what I’ve told them, some of it is things they’ve witnessed first hand.) I’m just really sad and feel like I’m making a mistake, even though I’m probably not. I’ve had long-term relationships end before and it’s never felt this bad. I’ve always felt like eventually I would be able to move on, but I don’t feel that way this time.

It honestly sounds like you made the right decision by breaking up. One thing is saying "I don't remember that" - but going "I don't remember that, so you must be lying!" is just not an okay conclusion. Especially not if you're aware that you frequently experience amnesia due to DID

#chat with kat #gaslighting tw

[ed-recovery-affirmations]

My sister said I have to eat “really really healthy” and “no cheating” granted I don’t live with her anymore but she always says super problematic shit like this which makes me so uncomfortable. Like She may eat healthily but she actually has a really bad relationship with food like whenever she eats chips or whatever she just devours it all but I know when to stop. When she lived with us I always felt like I had to hide my snacks or the fast food bag that my dad would get me bc she would just preach to me how it’s “so bad for me”. I’m okay with adding more healthy food options to my plate but the whole “restriction” shit is so gross bc it just makes it feel like punishment esp since I don’t eat a whole lot as is but she thinks even moderation isn’t acceptable 😶

You're not wrong! I'm currently living with family and it's the same situation, where I have family members who are so preoccupied with how "clean" they eat that when they do get hold of a "guilt food" they can't stop. I can't do the healing for them, as I can only heal myself, but I keep a drawer full of little snacks so that I can have my own treats they won't binge on. (Note: I have reached a point where I am healed enough in my BED that I trust myself to do this. Everyone has to do what works for them, where they are at.) But the preachy behavior is annoying even if you logically know it's symptomatic of poor mental health. You're correct that it's far more unhealthy to be obsessed with clean eating than to indulge in the occasional "snack food." Nothing is worse for your health than an eating disorder.

Honestly, since you're not living with her anymore, I'd suggest you try setting some healthy boundaries with her. Because you can't control what other people do or talk about, control your own behavior by restricting their ability to access and affect you. For example, "I've already told you how your opinions on this make me feel. If you continue talking like this, I will leave." "I don't find your preoccupation with restriction healthy for me, and if you continue to make negative comments on my food, I will no longer join you for meals" etc. Hope this helps!

#diet culture #toxic family #food purism #orthorexia #binge eating disorder #restriction cw #food m #ed cw

[petscrub]

had the grand idea of going back to school again (again). ive been well aware of the fact that i want this for myself, and have felt robbed of the entire school experience. and im not even just talking about college, my entire experience with school and learning has been for the majority, very bad and uncomfortable, practically all due to mental health problems.

i started an application for FIT. (fashion school...) when i first went to college, it was originally with the plan that i was going to study fashion. (at Parsons. before i ended up dropping out).

do i feel ... kind of crazy? yeah. maybe its a horrible idea but honestly the more i think about it the more it sounds like a good thing. i am unhappy with my current job. my life feels stagnant and like nothing is going to ever change unless i force it to. and i am lacking certain skills/knowledge that i want to gain and i see that happening with a place like a fashion school.

also, the only reason it would be a horrible idea is because of the financial aspect of it. if college wasn't so disgustingly expensive then it would be fine and positive and a Good thing to go and learn and explore and better yourself. its really sad that capitalism robs us all of anything good in life.

but anyway-- i dont know how the rest of the application looks or when it all needs to be done but i've done the most basic steps so far, (requested my transcripts, filled out my info for FIT/New York State college stuff).

if you dont already know, i spend majority of my time working with dogs, and as much as i love it and find it relatively easy, it isnt stimulating enough nor is it allowing nearly enough time and energy to be used towards my creative endeavors which are what truly matter to me. i've been doing this job for 3 years now... i am so tired and feel stumped creatively because my art has not been consistent or worked on enough because who has the time and energy!!?? not me!!

i have a lot of things i'd like to work on, a lot of goals, and a lot of ambition. my ideal situation is, im making my own clothing and accessories full time at home, while i also continue to work on the novel im writing. freelance jobs on the side too, i guess. and in the future i'll have plenty of other things to strive for, but what i want now is to be able to make things i find beautiful, things i think represent me and how i see the world, etc...

im stuck in an awful cycle of: i need to get out of this job which means i need to work extra hard creating so i can have the money and means to quit BUT im so tired all the time after work that i cant push myself so ill continue to do this job i dont want because i need money to survive and be miserable and wish and wish and wish i was in a good financial place with a steady foundation for my art/sales.

;/

[astroyongie]

Red Velvet - June Reading

Note: Please remember to take my words with a grain of salt. Enhypen will be out in a few hours

Irene

Irene is on a particular energy. She is on a relationship, and everything was going very well, however lately she has been feeling very low. That because there’s certain pattern that she sees on her relationship that remembers her of the bad side of her family situation. She has been really feeling sad and distant about the whole thing, she’s scared things repeat themselves. She had a complicated childhood, a lot of things came back to her from that period and it’s affecting her relationship and her private life in general. She’s also scared to have her own family.

I didn’t got anything concerning her professional and career status.

Physical Health: She is taking care of her body and of her appearance a lot  Mental Health: She is a little agitated due to her current situation.

Seulgi

Just like Irene, her relationship situation is complicated. She is currently seeing a man (non idol) that is divorced. They have been having a relationship, where she became quite dependent on him, she has strong desires to make it official, however this person has no interest to take this to the next level. They want to keep their relationship with benefits and nothings more

She has been working very hard, putting on practice her own creations, I see new things coming for her but eulogy needs to be careful, because she pushes herself too much and it might end up burning her out. Even so, she’s bound to be successful.

Physical Health: She has having troubles with her tummy, her digestive system, her pancreas. Mental Health: She’s doing okay

Wendy

It’s really fucked up what’s happening with the members when it comes to their relationship, and it’s insane. Without giving too much info, Wendy was talking with someone and creating feeling with them. She was very happy, however she made the mistake to trust them too much with private info and this person had the audacity to share it with their friends. She feels very betrayed and her feelings are all over the place. This happened very very recently, like a few days ago/this weekend

When it comes to her career, she had some nice things coming up, however the company put everything on stop so they can lead with this issue internally.

Physical Health: Doing well Mental Health: She has poor self esteem so she really needs to work on that. There’s a lot of guilt, she’s unstable and doubting of herself a lot

Joy

Again they have a huge curse and the way I felt pure rage with Joy’s reading.. Crush and her are currently in a relationship, they are happy and they are well. However there’s this damn person who keeps harassing her. They had several confrontations already because he is trying to force themselves on her and she keeps rejecting them. However this person has influence and she doesn’t feel secure around them.

Joy has been working, she is determinate since I see a type of travel coming for her, an opportunity that will help her improve and it’s honestly just very nice for her career. I see a brand wanting to work with her as well, things are under discussion.

Physical Health: troubles with her liver, sacrum, lumbar area and her kidneys.  Mental Health: Okay, but she overthinks a lot which isn’t good

Yeri

Yeri isn’t in a relationship at the moment, because she has been having her own fun, meeting people and just be free as she wishes to be. However there’s this one person she met through her work, that is very present in her life. For the moment she doesn’t know if she wants a relationship since she doesn’t want to make the same mistakes she has done in the past

Just like Irene I didn’t go any info about her career

Physical Health: Physically she’s very healthy  Mental Health: She is suffering some type of mental illness despite the fact that she has been trying to heal and looking for it. She feels very tired, exhausted , she doesn’t speak much with people around her.

#Red Velvet #Red Velvet astrology #Red Velvet tarot #Red Velvet reading #Red Velvet headcanons #Red Velvet imagines #Red Velvet reactions #Red Velvet scenarios #Red Velvet blurbs

[anchanted-one]

Alliance Commander Ask Game

I saw this interesting post by @consularmain , and thought I'd do it too!

1. Who’s your Alliance Commander? What class are they? Alignment? Random other facts you wanna share?

That would be Vajra Devarath, Jedi Knight. He's mostly Light-Sided, but gets very attached to people. During his 'funeral' after he and the rest of Braga's strike team went MIA, my Consular thought he was a bad Jedi, but a really great person.

His story deviates greatly from the game, but I'll be referring to that rather than the game. I'm currently writing it on AO3, but I'm on Shadow of Revan, at the moment. I'm a long way from writing about his Commander days.

2. What’s a reason or two you like that this character is your Commander?

Vajra is decisive and clearheaded. He doesn't always know what's best, but on these occasions, he's very quick to ask Lana, Theron, Koth, Jorgan, Beywan, Scourge, Kira, or anyone else for their opinions. And choosing the one he things is the best one.

He has a good reputation in the galaxy. Most ordinary people see him as the ultimate white knight errant; honest (more than he actually is), self-sacrificing, and a winner. The Sith and both sides' High Command (including Acina) acknowledge his strength. The Jedi acknowledge his commitment to the galaxy, and perhaps even the Force. I should say, Vajra didn't ask for this, his legend just grew on its own thanks to him getting a lot of spotlight missions.

3. What’s a reason or two you don’t like about them being Commander?

Vajra was permanently affected by the carbonite. It's a source of chronic pain for him, to the point of knocking him out when he least expects it. He does cope somewhat after accepting both Sides of the Force thanks to Satele and Marr, but fifteen years after his return, he's got quite the litany of health problems.

He also has an old problem with mental health. He does deal with it on Rishi, thanks to Lana, but killing or losing allies can hit him hard.

4. Why did this character of all your OCs become Commander?

I've always been partial to the Knight-Errants, and the Jedi Knight felt like the natural anti-Emperor crusader. I thought that once they kill the Emperor in chapter 3, they're already the strongest boss in the galaxy, with few able to stand against them. In addition, Kotfe-et always felt like a Force-user storyline to me. It doesn't translate well for the others. I mean, Smuggler and Bounty Hunter are basically criminals, and Cipher Nine is a spy, not a poster model. And there are the fights against Arcann and Vaylin too...

5. Who did they side with? Did they stay loyal or go saboteur? Or maybe you headcanon they defect properly?

By the time of the Iokath conflict, my universe is far divorced from SWTOR storyline. In fact, the reverse happened. With the Fleet and the Gravestone under his command, Vajra attempts to put an end to fighting. He more or less strongarms both sides into going along with it. Acina and Chancellor Rans are the ones who have to choose, and they choose 'surrender.'

6. Are there any NPC’s from the class stories you’d like to see/HC join the Alliance? Ex: Master Timmns, Ardun Kothe, Watcher One, etc.

The following are part of my Alliance: Shara Jenn (remote worker), Watcher One (secretly), Praven, Bengel, and a bunch of others.

7. How’s your OC feeling about the current Malgus situation?

Doesn't happen. Vajra has the habit of decapitating enemies. Malgus was killed on Ilum, and there was nothing could be salvaged from the station's self-destruct.

On a meta level, I hate enemies that won't stay dead. It's lazy writing, and they already had Malora. They could've brought back Jadus, if they wanted nostalgia-bait, the community would've rejoiced. (You either die as a respected adversary, or live to become more nuisance than terror)

8. Are any of your other OC’s part of the Alliance? If yes what do they do for the Alliance? Do they get along with your Commander?

Most notably, Jasme Shan, Theron's twin sister. But she's not one of the starting classes. She's an Archivist first, combatant second. She's also Vajra's best friend.

Technically, Cipher Nine is a founding member, but only Vajra, Lana, Shara Jenn, and Watcher One know about it. Lana lets Theron and Jasme in on the secret at some point, but I don't know when.

Seraphim Abbot, who's a Jedi pilot and Kira's husband, also joins when she does (earlier, in my story).

Hekaten (Sith Inquisitor) joins the Alliance, in a way. They get along okay.

In addition, Roban Queens (Trooper) joins the Alliance early. But he's had a problem with Vajra for over a decade now.

Vajra encountered Commander Tavus on Taris, but didn't apprehend him, since Garza kept his defection secret. Roban hated him for it, somehow expecting the then-fifteen-year-old to somehow know how to tell a traitor. He picked a fight with Vajra, and lost. To add insult to injury, Vajra filed a formal complaint against him and Garza, which led to her losing trust, and getting a temporary demotion. He never forgave Vajra for that.

During the timeskip, Roban worked with Lana, and began to want her. But she wasn't interested, and he blamed Vajra for that (rarely admitting that he himself was the problem).

Oh, and um. Roban and his family are Zakuulan sleeper agents. He hates Arcann for killing them, but he's a Valkorionist through and through. So that's one more reason to hate Vajra.

9. How does your OC feel about Odessen? (Bonus: how do you feel about it)

Vajra loves it. The scenery is perfect, and it's balanced in the Force. In my story, Lana starts developing it as mroe than just a military base. It has cities, farms, industries, and even markets. They build a home on Odessen, and raise their kids there.

Personally, I love it. Only world I love more is Alderaan.

10. How does your Commander feel about being the Commander?

He accepts it. You have to understand though; he takes it to a whole new level. If you've ever heard of the Shogunate in Japan, that's what he becomes. A benign military dictator. He's able to bring peace to the galaxy thanks to this, but he hates how he's going against his teachings to be a dictator. In addition, he would've liked to have retired from fighting and leading. To spend the bulk of his time as a good husband and father.

11. Favorite place in the Alliance base?

The cliffs overlooking the base and valley beyond.

12. Favorite mission in KotFE?

Chapter 3. The escape from Zakuul, and getting rescued by Lana. On a personal note, I like how this mission frames Vaylin as a force of nature. Like the Dahaka from Prince of Persia: Warrior Within. She was a better Vader, back in those days. Then she became a worse Kylo Ren...

13. Favorite mission in KotET?

The final one, though it's very different for Vajra. When he and Hekaten meet face-to-face for the first time, Valkorion realizes that the Sith has a super-strong pull on ghosts. He uses that to escape his 'cage' (Vajra) and transfer over to Hekaten. The final chapter, where you have to piece yourself together, takes place in Hekaten's mind rather than Vajra's. The Inquisitor escapes thanks to Vaylin's interference, and Vajra briefly resumes his role in containing Valkorion before destroying him for good using Tenebrae's original body.

14. Least favorite mission in either? Why?

From meta, the walker missions. In the game, Iokath. I hate everything about that world, but especially the conclusion. After everything SCORPIO did, having her arc resolved with a single choice like that is dumb. Personally, I resent SCORPIO blaming all organics for what only the Cabal did to her. And she's not fighting for droid rights; she has no problem treating HK-55 like a tool.

15. Is your Commander successful because they’re skilled? Or are they perhaps just really lucky?

Skill more than luck, but I can't stress on how important his friends/council are to his success.

16. From our OC’s point of view, SoR -> KotET wasn’t a fun experience, did they develop any fears as a result?

He was terribly upset by finding out that he lost five whole years. Especially because everyone he knew has changed and grown without him. Most importantly, Lana and Jasme. The latter lost the love of her life (Sith Warrior, Kairegane Rooks) and nearly gave up. He wished he'd been there for her, as she'd been for him.

He's also aware of just how hard his absence was for Lana, with whom he shares a powerful Force-Bond. It was almost dead for five years, which caused her no end of grief.

It doesn't help how he realizes that they've had five years of growth taken away from them, including the family they wished to start together.

And then there's Kira, who had a son while he was frozen.

As a result, he's very afraid of losing time. He's always in a hurry to get the work out of the way, so he can do what's really important to him--spending time with his loved ones. He's loath to let them out of his sight, like he's owrried they'll slip through some crack and vanish the moment he has his back turned. This also makes him very angry with Arcann, though he manages to put his feelings aside.

17. AU time! If your Commander wasn’t Commander, which of your other OCs would have likely taken their place?

Probably no one. Kairegane Rooks, the Wrath, was terminally ill. For her to survive, she'd have to not have a congenital disease. Hekaten is taken prisoner by the Eternal Empire, and Lana and Theron don't trust Roban due to his affiliation to Zakuul (in addition to his general creepy behavior). He proves them right by abandoning the Alliance when Valkorion takes over Hekaten. Smuggler and Bounty Hunter are far too removed from galactic politics to care. I suppose someone would've risen up, but it would've been a dark and bloody universe that ended up in an even worse place than where we are now.

18. Who’s someone your Commander hopes they never have to deal with again?

The Emperor, and Roban. That second guy especially. Creeped on his wife (Lana, whom he married way back during SOR), and joined Valkorion. He even had the temerity to pretend that Force Users have bad inner eyes, rather than accept that maybe Valkorion really was the Sith Emperor.

19. Does your Commander hold on to/still use any titles they earned before KotET?

He doesn't, but he finds them thrown his way very often. Some of the titles he has, which aren't in-game titles:

General, Jedi Marshal, and Crown Reaper (or just Reaper).

20. Share something, anything at all, you want about your Commander that you’ve not really gotten the chance to share before but really want to.

Honestly, I've either already written it, or will be writing when I get there in the story.

In the beginning, I intended for each of my OCs to correspond to a deadly sin:

Vajra: Pride (in his swordsmanship) Kairegane: Lust (thrill seeker) Roban: Envy Hekaten: Greed Mark Fordorn (Bounty Hunter): Wrath (He's an escaped Power Guard) Juun Stede (Smuggler): Gluttony Devel Nirol (Consular): Sloth.

But I did a poor job of keeping to it in most cases, so the 'sins' are a shadow of what they might have been, with the exception of Mark, who's still a very angry man.

#star wars #swtor #hero of tython #jedi knight #the old republic #star wars the old republic #lana beniko

[katyspersonal]

It just will forever baffle me how unfair he has been. He kept constantly blaming me for all that was going wrong in his life, he could get upset to the point of wanting to hurt himself or worse over things as little as me disagreeing with his creative ideas or not wanting to listen to something he wanted to share at the moment, he abandoned his friend he knew for two years because he got interested in me too much to give her enough - and then because he convinced himself she didn't care for him anymore.

And I knew, all along, that I was not right for him. I kept telling him to keep reaching out and seek friends that he'd actually like and actually get along with. I kept insisting that he was doing it to himself by clinging to me where clearly he hated me to the point I could've hurt him by as much as setting up boundaries, having different opinions or having limitations as a human being. I told him that that friend he abandoned still cared for him and he could not just decide FOR her. But over and over, he denied everything and begged me to stay, saying how much he wanted to have future together, how I was like a sister he lost a chance to have, how we were supposed to share life experiences together and how I was the only one that felt "real". I kept sticking around despite the abuse, despite how much he was ruining my mental health and my social life (being abused distances you from even close people), all because I could not stand seeing him so hurt and alone. And the last deceit hurt especially bad, because he made me truly believe him. He said something that made me lose my guard, my focus on the fact that I was just a placeholder in his life until he finds someone fitting.

And just like I kept saying, as soon as he got enough money for good life, his mental health improved upon switching meds or something, he met a new friend and reconnected with that exact one he abandoned earlier - he declared me a dead weight on his life that has only been "killing" him and declared that the almost two years he spent with me were just a bad dream he was happy to finally forget.

I knew all along that the best thing I could do for him was to leave him, but I never did. I should have before he stopped caring for me entirely out of blue, because now he didn't even learn anything. He lost nothing of value in his eyes, just a person that "wasted his time". So what if his current friends """fail""" him again? He'll just seek an outlet in new ones, until they prove "useless" and he'll ditch them too, and so on. Some people just can't appreciate someone's personality, they only value people for what they can give to them. Or.. is it just me? At times I am genuinely annoyed when people tell me I am a valuable person and anyone who can't love and appreciate me is an idiot, because on the contrary, in my life all people that despised me and saw me as a waste of their time the most were all high IQ, very well-read and educated, very sophisticated individuals. Clearly, there is a correlation between being very smart and deeming me as human garbage - in a way jealous haters, hypocritical control freaks and callous ableists I've met online never could.

Honestly, sometimes I should decide for someone else. I always knew he hated me and splitting with me was to the better for him, but I let his tears and clinginess force me to feel bad and go back every time. And to doubt that maybe I was the delusional one and could not be sure of someone else's needs. Honestly, guys - when you are given every single indication that you are hated and only kept around out of their fear of loneliness and low self-esteem... it is all there is. It is not a situation where you should listen to your heart, to hope or to give benefit of the doubt. Being abused is something you can only comprehend with mind and knowledge, there is no bigger story and no intricate matters.

Still, I hate how as painfully stupid and naive for my age as I am, I've been able to understand things way more correctly than a much older, much more mature person with high intellect and tons more of life experience. I was right all along, but I hate being right sometimes. And I hate always being discarded as soon as people's lives improve. I hate always being just a placeholder. Apparently, no one whose life is good would ever want to burden themselves with me.

#/vent #personal #I should have left while he'd still delude himself that I was someone important for him #maybe that way he'd take a good look at how he treats people and why he loses them #on the other hand maybe he won't mistreat anyone now that he has money and mental stability #honestly I am just cursed with some sort of cosmic injustice #every single person that harms and mistreats me walks away their merry way thriving and happy #i sticked with the bastard through his worst times and not just when he got stable and nice #yet all I got is accusation of 'wasting his time' and having been ruining his life and getting- #-forgotten like a bad dream #us in Russia believe that true friends are known in times of pain and advercity #that true friend is the one who stays with you through your WORST and not just when you're good #i guess westerners have different ideals. maybe rightfully so. he hated me all along after all. #I guess me wanting to stay with him and help no matter the cost did not matter for him since- #-that was coming from someone that wasn't his taste in people (platonically but still) #if I had someone who stayed with me despite abusing them due to poor mental health and- #-trauma I'd never ever ever just discarded them simply after getting my mental state fixed #I guess I was just a waste of his time because I still showed pain and anger in responce to abuse. #this summer was a mess #he and A that backstabbed me and my friends were the biggest self-esteem wounds on me in years

[urlocalmentallyunstablegal]

long rant incoming, i’ll be talking abt therapy, ed relapse mainly (i may get side tracked lol) really just talking to myself publicly.

so, my therapist is taking a break and i haven’t seen her since last month. she told me to text her if i need support or if i’m in crisis but we all know i’m not gonna do it bc i don’t wanna bother her. last month i managed to reach 3 months without counting calories and stepping on the scale. honestly i was so proud of myself for this. ofc i gained weight but i was finally healthier, i was not just a shell of a human being. i was actually alive. but since i stopped restricting my anxiety become terrible to the point where i can’t go out by myself without headphones. i started getting more frequent panic attacks (which are honestly both physically and mentally draining). i feel like im trapped in a cycle - i manage my depression and anxiety, then i relapse in my ed, i work on my ed, my anxiety gets worse, i use all kinds of relief techniques, nothing helps, so i relapse again to numb my emotions. the day of my last therapy session i had to go to my hometown bc we had to do some renovations for the apartment we’re giving out for rent. we had to stay in a family friend’s house. i love her but she’s just so insensitive to me and my struggles. like she’d constantly say things like “oh your hygiene is terrible” “oh are you really eating this”. of course she had to make comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight, she also asked what happened with the diets i was doing. while we were there we met with my dad’s aunt and she also made comments about my body and how i’ve gained weight. and the thing is i was having pretty bad time with my body without all these comments from my relatives. i genuinely felt so uncomfortable about the weight gain. the day after we got back home i relapsed. i’m counting calories again, i’m avoiding high cal foods, fear foods start to appear again. i was in denial about my relapse but now i have to admit it - i’m relapsing and i hate myself even more. i genuinely feel like i’m such a failure. i’ve spent over 2 years in therapy and it’s all the same cycle over and over. i’m forever grateful for my current therapist bc she saved me from the darkest times of my life. i was actively suicidal and she was the only one who agreed to work with me despite my resistance to get better. i don’t remember much of this time period but she has told me that she was worrying about me in between sessions and every time i was 5 mins late she thought of the worse situation possible. anyways. now i just feel like i’m wasting my time and her time. what am i even doing? will things ever get better? and the thing is i want to recover at some point. this lifestyle is not sustainable. the health complications are not a joke. i’ve ruined so many relationships bc of my mental illness. i’m missing out on so many things. but i’m just terrified of letting it all go. i can’t deal with the weight gain. i can’t deal with all the emotions. what’s the point of even trying to recover when i’ll always end up in the exact same shitty situation?

[mrsmoonlightsblog]

Absolute rage consumes me as I write this piece

This essay will contain many topics: mentions of struggling mental health; first hand experience of sexual harassment; thoughts of murder and suicidal thoughts.

Absolute rage consumes me as I write this piece. I am utterly mortified at the realisation that has hit me of what it truly is to be a woman in today’s society. Yes, I have written essays about how disadvantaged women are in society and how badly they are treated. I have had a couple experiences of scary men but nothing that would amount to what I have experienced today.

I have to admit I don’t currently live for myself. For example, what I wear is dictated by the idea that I don’t want to be approached in a way where I’m belittled to just my body parts. Yet, I have just registered in my mind that no matter what you wear you will still be approached in ways you don’t like. Majority of the time, I wear clothes that are a bit bigger on me so my figure doesn’t show and at first I thought it was just my fashion choice but really it was just fear holding onto me from past experiences of being catcalled in leggings and dresses while being in just year 7.

Today, my parents sent me on a mission to find some ice - cream since shops close early on a sunday and we had just cooked horrible waffles, which could not be wasted. Originally, my sister was supposed to go but she didn’t want to because it was raining. So I went and she followed me. I’m walking through the street and someone ran past me. A black man -probably in his 20s. He wore dirty white joggers, a zipped hoodie and shoes. He turned around and started making hand gestures that I’m guessing was supposed to be a warning signal and was saying stuff that would most likely be curse words. I thought nothing of it because it’s just another day strolling through peckham. My little sister was still trudging behind while I walked into the first corner shop.There was no ice- cream so I walked back out to the street and waited for my sister at the crossing.

We crossed the road together and restarted our mission to the next corner shop. I saw the same man again; he stood near a bus stop signal. He walked right past me again and being honest I knew he was saying something to me but all I heard was gibberish. This time I started to pick up my pace cause I was getting anxious. He crossed the street but I still kept an eye on him. He looked at me as if I offended him terribly but I do not know who this man was. He walked off into another street or so I thought. I started picking my pace a bit faster and I looked back to see that he was once again on my tail. I started shaking and called my mother. I told her the situation I was in, she suggested I get into a bus and go to another corner shop a bit further.

The call was cut; I decided to call one of my friends to feel safer and then I walked into the last corner shop on the street. There was no ice- cream so I walked back out. As I walked out the shop, the man following me was clearly looking for me and I didnt realise that till too late. I bumped into him and walked away quickly. If I'm being honest, although I held my sister’s hand, I did not cross the road safely at all. At this point, I was shaking and crying out of fear, so I didn’t care. Fortunately, the bus came at that minute so I hopped on and went to the other corner shops.

The specific ice - cream I was looking for was not in any shops so I went back home. I got sent back out again by myself to just get any ice - cream. At this point, I just felt confused as to what I had just experienced. My phone died. I was walking back home with some random ice-cream in hand. The tears were finally starting to dry. Then all of a sudden, a black car slowed down. I looked over to see another black man, sucking in his teeth and whistling at me telling me to get into his car. Absolute rage consumed me and I was barking profanities at this guy. He finally drove off but he was laughing at me and flipping me off just like I flipped him off. Once again, water works left the windows of my soul but this time I wasn’t just upset. I was furious but I couldn't express it as having a tantrum by hitting the wall and stomping my feet. Instead, I was laughing. If anyone saw me at that moment you would’ve thought I was crazy and delusional. However I just couldn't help myself. 

I guess I’ve finally realised the meaning of being mature,living in this broken society. I can’t report what happened. Even my own parents can't do anything but tell me to get used to it and learn how to defend myself. It’s wicked how this uk government is by caring more about the physical injuries my attackers face through me defending myself, then me being the victim facing this traumatic situation. I googled what the only legal ‘weapon’ I could carry around with me was. I found the results shocking - a rape alarm. The law - makers of this country must be having a laugh. They must be finding some kind of sadistic joy in seeing women suffer. What would an alarm do, especially in a society today that likes to ignore people’s cry for help? I should wait for a strong man to come and help me while another strong man is abusing me - the irony.

 I can really see why they ban weapons though at the same time. If I had a knife in that moment of abosulte rage, I would’ve carved into the face of that stupid,smirking man. I would’ve stabbed him multiple times out of pure anger just to remove that laughing smile off his face. He would’ve looked prettier coated in his own blood, laying back in his car with the life drained out of his eyes. You may think what I’m thinking is absurd or an exaggeration to what happened. But to be honest, this interaction was more than just another catcall. It was the power imbalance expressed during those moments. In these moments, I felt weak and ashamed. I even took seconds to look at what I was wearing to see whether any curves were showing and nothing was. If this experience happened while I was in my suicidal ‘phase’, I would’ve certainly just unalive myself after that experience. I would've finally stabbed myself with a knife, jumped off the edge or walked into a busy road. It was more than just a few gestures expressed, it was just the fact I was a defenceless young woman who had nothing to give but fear. The smirk on both of their ugly faces said that they enjoyed the look of tears running down my face.

It’s easy for me to demand change in the legal aspects. There are already a few laws put in place to ‘protect’ victims but that's clearly not enough because society plays a huge role. For my parents to dismiss my experience as nothing but something I should just get used to is very heart - breaking but I can’t blame them because that’s how society is. Society normalises a lot of detrimental things to the point that people don’t even realise they are victims or abusers to one another. We are taught so many questionable things, that if we even try to question it we are ridiculed, hence the hate for feminism.  Sexual /street harrasment has become so normalised it’s part of society and its a thing every woman should expect happen to them. However, this should not be the case. I should not have to suffer because I am a woman. I should not have to feel that I need to dress a certain way so I wouldn't get the ‘wrong attention’. Even when I proceed to do that, I still get harassed because I’m a woman. A young black woman in a white man’s world. Its certainly revolting realising that i have to go through these experiences over and over again because I’m a woman and if im being very honest, I may go demented if I continue to be on the recieving end on this animalistic behaviour. 

I refuse to be on the receiving end. I refuse to carry on this heinous trend of teaching future generations to just deal with the misplaced anger they feel from these incidents. My anger is completely valid and I'm telling myself right now it was not my fault, it was the fault of the evil society I was born into. I refuse to continue to blame myself for things I did not do. I refuse to be a victim of my own excruciating thoughts letting my panic/anxiety attacks get in the way of living the best I could. I refuse to suffocate because that's what my body tells me to do in these traumatic situations. I want to be happy, what’s so wrong about that. Why has this world forced me into this deep end, just because I am a young, black Nigerian woman who looks and acts mature for my age. Don’t they realise children are growing up too fast because of how twisted society is. It’s not my fault at all and I will keep telling myself this. 

Yet, even at this moment, my thoughts are juxtaposing themselves. I want to tell myself it's not my fault but part of me is reducing myself to rubbish saying I'm the one who caused this to happen. It's not my fault they all say but whose fault is it. I say it's society but saying that seems so ridiculous and unacceptable. I'm second-guessing myself, but confusion litters my mind. However, who am I supposed to blame for these thoughts that dwell in my mind? The fact that the first thing that comes to my mind after experiencing this is murder is very concerning. I could be the next serial killer on an evil vendetta in the future for all I know. However, I pray society does not let us fall down that wicked path. I pray society does not let me carry on suffering from these insane thoughts. 

#feminist #feminism #harassment #essay writing #opinion #splurge #anger #important #mental health

[aro-culture-is]

hey im looking for advice here, dont feel obligated to answer this :)

im already in a romantic relationship and recently came out as ace to my gf and she was cool with it. but now im questioning if im aro aswell.

i dont think i want a romantic relationship with her anymore, but i still definatly want a close platonic one. my problem is that i cant tell if im aro or just dont love *her* romantically anymore. she's the only person ive really ever wanted a romantic relationship with, and even then im not sure if i was even romanticly attracted towards her. i already knew she had a "crush" on me, and looking back my feelings towards her and any past "crushes" felt fabricated or... dull? like i was *suposed* to feel something, or when i did im wondering now if it couldve just been craving close platonic affection.

im nd and out relationship has been extremely draining in the past, and also makes it hard to tell platonic vs romantic feelings in the past because i have a hard time describing past feelings

thank you for read :) i hope this isnt a bother to answer

hi,

i've been in a similar though different situation (same for everything except i also knew i was aro going into it and... thought we were on the same page on that too), and i'm mostly going to lean on my communication agenda and that experience to respond to you.

putting the facts into an order i think is important, based on your explicit statements: this relationship is draining for you. you don't think you want a romantic relationship with her, though you do want to maintain a close platonic relationship with her. you're nd and can have a hard time describing past feelings - and i wouldn't be surprised if that also occurs with current feelings.

(big mood, but 3 years ago)

I found that this ultimately meant I had to work on finding a way to safely express my feelings - that we should break up, and that I would like to remain close friends with my now-ex gf. for me, this was hard - I was balancing mental health for both of us, plus academic lives, and a long-distance situation. I ultimately decided that I had to initiate this conversation, and spent some time trying to take a step back and think of how she'd likely respond. Be cautious if you're prone to anxious thoughts - try to check in on what reactions you've seen them have and if this is actually similar. from there... honestly, you have to talk.

physical safety comes first: there is no universally wrong way to break up, imo. I don't know anything about your gf, so please don't be mad if i'm assuming the worst - my ex, while generally sweet, had severe problems with emotional regulation in situations like this, and in a disabled with trauma way. i recognized that she could, in a physical meeting where we were too close, respond with physical violence before she had time to process that urge. I chose to break up with her while at a physical distance, and near my car. For some people, physical safety is a necessary concern for their own self. i've also known a breakup where my concern was the physical safety of the other individual - in that case, follow a similar plan as to below, but for that individual.

emotional safety is next. if you can, let supportive others know beforehand that you're breaking up. friends, family, therapists, etc. it doesn't have to be the whole crowd, just whoever feels important and available. make sure you have some kind of set up that allows you to go to a safe place to feel your emotions, take a deep breath, and begin to move forwards afterwards. even if it's mutual, you probably will have some feelings to work through, and that's normal.

finally... I want to have a real moment. My ex and I talked so many times, for so long, about how we were going to remain friends if we broke up, and nothing would stop us from ensuring that happened. We haven't talked since I broke up with her. It happens sometimes. Try to have realistic expectations, and recognize that it might take a few weeks for emotions to return to a more baseline level between you - and if you haven't heard back, but haven't explicitly been told to fuck off, I'd say 2-3 weeks is an appropriate time to reach back out.

this is.... long. but i hope it helps to provide some perspective, address some scenarios that can be important to consider, and ultimately, provide a broad guideline for the process of breaking up with hopes of continuing friendship.

i hope this helps. more posts like this exist in the #advice tag.

mod kee

#Anonymous #not aro culture #not aro #like we're both aro or questioning #but honestly i don't think that's important to your immediate situation here #so i'm primarily filing this under #advice

[lettersforyoulettersforme]

May 29, 2022

It has been nearly two years since I have written anything on here. Two years since re-entering Tumblr Land, as I am dubbing it. I used to fucking live for Tumblr. I’m so thankful to be able to look back, because it reminds me of how creative, inspired, angsty, and sad I was. Like wow, I have so much more stability now. I think 22 year old would have thought my current life is boring. Maybe it is boring, but honestly, I think there’s something romantic about having a routine, having stability, having genuine safety that you don’t have to work for. Not that I really had “safety”- I think that my younger self (meaning my college and my DC self) felt that she had safety- but it was really just people pleasing and other forms of manipulation?

(I feel very meta as I write this, like one day semi soon, I’ll look back and feel silly and small, like my worries were nothing and I can’t believe I gave it so much time.)

By worries, I mean that I had a (minor) break down last night. I felt very frustrated that I don’t want kids, that I’ve never wanted kids, and I wish I did. It would be easier emotionally, though not physically, financially, or in really any other way. I feel like I’m being left behind when Hayley says things like “Well, whatever you decide is the right choice for you. You have plenty of time. If you don’t have kids, you will other child- free friends.” As if I’m no longer allowed to be friends with parents. As I would need to siphon myself away to other people who chose to forgo the social norm. I know that she wants children. Or that Weston really wants them, and I feel like she’s being kind of pushed into it, as to not disappoint him. Maybe that’s too harsh to say, but I say that because when we really talk about it, she seems to understand and agree with my fears. And then it always ends with “Well, I’m going to do it anyway.” Just so interesting... I don’t mean to blame Weston for that- it’s not blame per se- but I do wonder why she feels that she has to resign to doing it “anyway.”

I think she did make a great point though about not wasting my childless years worrying about whether or not I should do it. I have PLENTY, I repeat PLENTY of time- though I did look into egg freezing yesterday and WHO KNEW it cost about $20,000?! Not I, said the fly. 

I know there’s time. And so much will change and so much will remain the same (looking back on these Tumblr posts really reminds me of how true that it). I am, for what it’s worth, jealous of those people who have always known they wanted kids. Even if they were conditioned or guilted into it for some religious reason or what have you. I have always been so sure of what I want in a variety of areas of my life. It’s very foreign for me to NOT know. Or to know that I don’t want them, but be unable to resonate in that headspace. I keep thinking back to doing shrooms years ago, how I said that being a mother is my biggest fear, and my biggest desire. 

Sometimes I find myself just saying things because they sound right. Or they sound pretty/ poetic. I do struggle to trust myself, and to trust that I really felt that way. Maybe another drug induced afternoon is what I need to regain clarity (that was a serious suggestion). 

I think it may be worth exploring/ doing some journaling around what it would be like to have a child. In an ideal situation. I have swung so far away from romanticizing the notion that I can only see the bad, the ugly sides, the strain, the leaking breasts, the toddler screams, the food in my hair. Not to mention the health concerns, the mental health crises that I feel are inevitable in that future generation of which my child would be a part of.

Last night, I asked Stephen if we could spend the next few days just leaning into the idea of having children, of not shit talking it, and just maybe, for a little bit, even pretend (I think I used the word “pretend”) that we wanted children. Just to see how that would feel. That conversation was the beginning of the break down, ha, but I still think there’s some merit in that. 

I think it’s more of a breakdown around the fact that we’re here! My friends and I are here, we are at the point where we feel like we need to have serious conversations about our futures, and about children, or child free. And it’s hard because I know that there will be natural divisions. Hey, there already are (married vs single, engaged vs married, etc.). It’s just a part of life, and I appreciate and recognize that. AND I am scared. Scared of all the change and am such a planner that I can’t just BE. 

There needs to be a docuseries about pregnant and new mothers/parents. I’m sure such a thing already exists, but I need more opinions in my ears besides my own (and Hayley and Weston’s, which I love and value, but I need more). I want other perspectives to shake up my own. 

One other additional and rambling thought- I think that my parents, especially my mother, is too hands off. I wish that she shared her opinion about some things, or really, no, not shared her opinion unless I ask, but I wish she asked me what I thought or how I was feeling more. I feel like she just tells me about her day and asks about mine, and maybe that’s normal. But I would want more of a child, more for a child- parent relationship, if I were to walk down that road. 

It makes me think of Mana- Cyrus and Mazi’s Mom- and I have so many questions for her. And there’s this part of me, small but mighty, that really wants to share my pregnancy with Mana. I want to have that moment where I give her a phone call, where we both cry, where we can share in this moment together, where she can assure me that I’m doing the right thing, and that it will be hard, but so, so worthwhile. And that I’ll be happier and more fulfilled for doing so. That I won't know what I don’t know. That my life is only just beginning. For me to feel all of that and to not feel judged or boxed in. To just agree with her whole heartedly, leaving my doubts at the door, and plunging into this foreign terrain without any looking back. To change.